Based on my past experience both as a therapist and client in the mental health field, I have learned that when therapists or psychiatrists give you the following diagnoses all too often here is what they really mean:
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Your obsessive nature is thwarting my compulsion to reorganize your life.
Paranoid Personality Disorder: The way I perceive you staring at me when I ask you extremely personal questions about the most painful experiences in your life really makes me uncomfortable. Continue reading
[Written in 2008.]
NOTE: THIS IS A TONGUE-IN-CHEEK ESSAY…
“The schizophrenogenic mother” – a mother who creates schizophrenia in her child – is presently a hated, taboo topic in psychology because it blames mothers. The only modern articles that refer to the concept anymore label it as incorrect and disproven. But they invariably fail to say WHY it is incorrect. So I have taken the liberty of doing it for them.
[Note, with humor aside: I actually strongly dislike the term “schizophrenogenic mother” because it lets fathers, who bear half the responsibility for child-rearing, off the hook. Please keep this in mind as you’re reading this list!! Continue reading
[Written in June, 2011. Note added, 12/27/13: This essay, although serious in some ways, is written with a tongue-in-cheek quality, and I have it categorized under “humorous essays.” Sorry for having not noted that earlier.]
Christianity: Although we say we accept all religions, we believe that if you don’t accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, and don’t accept that He died for your sins, you’re on the fast track to hell…for all of eternity. But we love you anyway, because our Holy Book teaches us to love our enemies. But, as the actions of our followers quickly attest, we’ll love you a whole lot more if you see things our way. Continue reading
[Written around 2008.]
Despite being dramatically over-prescribed, children have long been the most popular antidepressant on the market. As a natural-born skeptic, I have undertaken a thorough study of the pros and cons of their antidepressant qualities, as follows, though I will leave the final analysis to you:
1. Children are easy to procure, long-lasting, and you don’t need a prescription to get one
2. If you’re willing to raise them generically, they can be relatively inexpensive
3. They often work well in (sibling) combinations of two, three, four or more (though be careful of toxic interactions) Continue reading
[Written in 2008.]
(Note: Although I am aware that this does not apply to all psychoanalysts, it sure does apply to a lot!)
Patient asks: What’s the difference between a psychoanalyst and an average therapist?
Psychoanalyst replies: I have studied the most modern, sophisticated theories of human dynamics, and thus have the tools to understand and unravel the motivating roots of human endeavor…
Translation: Don’t you know that I spent seventy thousand dollars going to psychoanalytic training after I got my Ph.D.? Do you deign to suggest that I wasted the money I struggled to earn spending thousands of hours not listening to mere mortals like you?! Continue reading
[Written in 2007. Note added, 12/27/13: This is a humorous, ironic essay. It was written tongue-in-cheek. Sorry I didn’t note that earlier.]
Hypocrites use entirely specialized definitions of words to obscure the truth – and to destroy those who champion it. Since part of their hypocrisy is that they never fess up – even to themselves – about what their definitions really are, I have taken the liberty of doing it for them.
- Addiction: The problem a person is considered to have when his addiction is not acceptable to the norm.
- Arrogance: Suggesting to an insane person that you are less insane than he.
- Blame: Having the nerve to hold your traumatizers accountable for their actions.
- Boundaries: The invisible line surrounding a person’s insanity which you are somehow supposed to respect. Continue reading
[Written in early 2007. Note added, 12/27/13: This is a humorous, ironic essay. It was written tongue-in-cheek. Sorry I didn’t note that earlier.]
- You give your son a gift by hardening him early on to life’s inevitable pain
- Circumcised boys never have to face teasing for having a filthy foreskin – and your bleeding, stunned, little infant will thank you for this later
- Moses and Jesus lived productive lives without foreskins – what, you think your kid is special? Continue reading