[Written around 2004.]
Grieving is an intrinsic part of the healing process. Grieving is long, painful, and confusing, but richly rewarding. Life is not complete unless all traumas are unearthed, grieved, and thus resolved. Those who fail to complete this process live forever in a limbo of partial misery, stuck unconsciously in the past and unable to escape.
Everybody suffers loss, right from the beginning. The primary loss is the fact that no parent, at least no parent who is not fully enlightened, is perfect. Everyone deserves perfect parents, but no one gets them – not unless their parents have healed all the traumas from their own childhood. This is the basic radical unfairness of life, and just because it’s all but universal doesn’t make it okay.
Every child needs to be loved in gigantic quantities and with unbelievable quality. If people could feel and know just how much children actually needed in order to attain enlightenment – which is every child’s capacity, and every child’s unconscious goal – they wouldn’t be so quick to have them. This is why more enlightened people have fewer children, if any at all.
Some argue that all you need to do well in life is to have had a “good-enough mother.” This is false. It is a lie that allows subtle neglect and abuse to slip under the radar of societally acceptable, and alienates people from their natural desire to grieve.
Most believe that a healthy life feels no pain. This is why the majority are insane. Avoiding all pain is not healthy. Grieving is horribly painful, and totally necessary. Grieving is beautiful.
Another beautifully written, insight-nugget. And with such economy of words! The truth is simple — when you truly know what you’re talking about.
Another piece I’m excited to share with several friends on the path of self-healing.
Here here!
TC
Very happy to read this, because I think the same way, especially “Grieving is beautiful” part. Not often do I meet a person who says such a thing, may be I’ve never met one at all. When I say that people show polite “no reaction” or tell me I am depressive. I don’t seem to have the right words to explain why I feel happy when I am sad but I am. I am also cautious to say it because it has been taken as “just another proof” of that I “enjoy suffering” by people like my ex-boyfriend. Which is so off-topic, made me into a victim, took all responsibility off of his actions and I felt completely misunderstood. It also happened with friends ( who are ex-friends now as well). I never feared or was angry for a long time at a person who gave me grief because they left me or even betrayed me. What made me upset for a long time was realizing that I was or could be getting manipulated into continuing painful relationship instead of being left to grieve.
Parents. As long as they kept me under their heal “reminding me” what a difficult child I was and THAT is why they were as imperfect as they were, I could not even start grieving the loss of perfect parents. I was being manipulated to think it was all my fault, moreover I would feel ungrateful because of raising the issue.
It took me quite some time and therapy to learn and be able to see through others’ manipulations (even if people do not realize they are doing it) and that made the process of grieving so much lighter and faster.
good to hear what you share, Olya. thanks!! and wishing you all the best — on this journey through life!
—daniel
Olya,
Thank you for writing this part of your story:
“Parents. As long as they kept me under their heal “reminding me” what a difficult child I was and THAT is why they were as imperfect as they were, I could not even start grieving the loss of perfect parents. I was being manipulated to think it was all my fault, moreover I would feel ungrateful because of raising the issue.”
I’ve just seen myself in what you’ve written and it has already (by becoming conscious about what you’ve written) helped me move forward and it’ll definitely contribute to my healing process further.
Also,I am admiring people who can pluck up the courage to reveal themselves by placing their websites’ addresses here when those are not connected with a psychotheraphy field.I still don’t feel strong enough to do it but I definitely benefit from the examples of those who are:).Thank you for this and your above words Olya:).