Six World Religions: What They Say Versus What They Believe

[Written in June, 2011.  Note added, 12/27/13:  This essay, although serious in some ways, is written with a tongue-in-cheek quality, and I have it categorized under “humorous essays.”  Sorry for having not noted that earlier.]

Christianity:  Although we say we accept all religions, we believe that if you don’t accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, and don’t accept that He died for your sins, you’re on the fast track to hell…for all of eternity.  But we love you anyway, because our Holy Book teaches us to love our enemies.  But, as the actions of our followers quickly attest, we’ll love you a whole lot more if you see things our way.

Islam:  Although we preach respect for other religions, we believe all others to be misguided, because God told this to His final prophet, Muhammed, blessed be His name, and Mohammed, blessed be His name, passed it along to us.  But we remain a tolerant people, and even let our male followers marry non-Muslim women, as long as the women believe in just one god and agree to raise their offspring Muslim. Sadly, though, we know that non-Muslims are making a catastrophic error that will reap nothing but misery now and in the Hereafter, but the good news here is that this gives the Muslim child from a mixed religious background the perfect incentive to convert his twisted, backward, deluded, heathen, non-Muslim mommy to the true faith.

Judaism:  As a tiny, generally-despised minority, we’re smart enough to realize we can’t get away with proselytizing, even though it pains us to know that this leaves you, the un-Chosen, royally spiritually screwed.  As survivors of countless millennia of persecution, we’re experts at putting on a happy public face and pretending to love other religions almost as much as they don’t love us.  But oy vey, wouldn’t you do the same if your Holy Land, the hub of all you held sacred, not to mention the homeland of a sizable percentage of your adherents, was small enough to be taken out with a few nuclear warheads?  Meanwhile, in our defense, we evolve with the times: some of our softer sects even let gay people become rabbis, despite the fact that our holiest texts make it explicitly clear that death is what those perverts really deserve.

Buddhism:  We’ve got the edge on the religious market of cleverness, because we let you be both a Buddhist and a member of another religion simultaneously!  Deep down, of course, we pity you for being fool enough to buy the line that you can belong to two mutually exclusive religions simultaneously, but we do let you believe it for the greater good, knowing that your other religion is merely part of the delusion you will shed as you sink deeper into our fold.  But we won’t tell you that upfront, because no one likes having the reality of his delusion smeared in his face.  Also, we snooker you into joining us by telling you that you don’t even have to believe in God to play in our sandbox, though of course we subliminally let you know that God does exist: God, after all, is the Dalai Lama!  And, in case you didn’t notice, His Holiness the Dalai Lama is purely Buddhist, not a pompous Jew-Buddhist or sniveling Christian-Buddhist.  And the Dalai Lama, in his infinite compassion, hopes you’ll become a Buddhist now and not recycle your soul throughout the coming ages in perpetual misery, though of course he compassionately respects your right to return in a future life as a mutated cockroach if you so wish.  But if you do want enlightenment, and want it now, just remember, we’re always here for you…waiting…smiling.

Scientology:  Who the hell knows what we actually believe, or if we actually even believe it, but the fact is, we want you to believe it.  And we have advanced psychological tests, verified by some of America’s most famous actors, to prove that you need it!  And, if you’re willing to plunk down cash, we’ll gladly guide your path in the right direction, pronto.  But let’s not talk money now.  Put that out of your mind.  Come, sit down, have a free cup of coffee.  Please, there’s no obligation.  Milk and sugar?  Take the test.  It’s free too!  We’ll even help you analyze it afterward, for free!  (Mackler’s admission:  I added the Scientologists to this list firstly because I liked their point of view on psych meds, and secondly because I needed a segue into the next religion…)

Psychiatry:  Are you dissatisfied with your life?  Confused about your path?  Feeling some anxiety?  Discomfort?  Did you have a bad night’s sleep last night?  A relationship problem?  A work issue?  A nagging fear?  Come, let us help you!  Consult with one of our High Priests, whom we call Psychiatrists, and accept His or Her recommendation for a pill specifically designed to compensate for your particular constellation of chemical deficits, as outlined in our Holy Book, the DSM-V.  Meanwhile, we, like the Buddhists, don’t ask that you drop your primary religion in order to join us, but we do admit that if you take your primary religion a little too seriously we have pills for that too.  After all, you may not be a sinner, but you are mentally ill.

4 thoughts on “Six World Religions: What They Say Versus What They Believe

  1. Haha. I like the way you write. Came across your YouTube videos last night and really relieved to find a pov that makes a lot of sense. I’ve studied five years worth of psychology and theology (christian), but beneath all the theories, I have a very very strong view (and experience) that the ultimate truth is allowing oneself to be themselves. It’s always there, underlying everything. Many of our religious/spiritual goals and ideas give a very strong sense of moving “beyond” or away from the intuitive sense of our authentic self. Even if the teaching or practice seems right, so much of it disregards that conscious, joyful, peaceful, freeing experience of allowing the person to shed the shell and be themselves again. Perhaps my biggest guide in this understanding is an experience, spontaneously about 10 years ago, where everything dropped away and it was just myself totally free, clear snd exhilarated. Anyway, I have a keen interest in interpreting this goal/experience via christian theology. It is so often overlooked (or never considered to begin with because the people interpreting the text have no point of reference/personal experience to understand it by). So far, some if the scriptures I’ve found that allude to the process of healing, growth, consciousness, becoming oneself authentically include 40 days alone in the desert, “let you yes be yes, and your no be no” (I.e not being jumbled my inner trauma/confusion), reflections on nature parables, kingdom of God within you, no one enter unless as a child, “fall” myth as interpreted as open/innocent child wounded very early in life and sets the stage for latter disconnection and a cosmic/mighty struggle to be made whole again, etc. etc. I was just wondering if you have any input/thoughts? You may very well not have an interest or belief in this, but I watched your vid on interpretation of Jesus advising to break away from family and thought you may have some views. The reason i am interested is because I plan to write a masters research thesis on the topic (psychological healing, being authentic self, and scripture interpretation). I am also hoping to take a course in counselling (possibly transpersonal therapy, although still unsure about this approach) and would like a solid foundation to work from when assisting others to take their own healing path. I think a lot of christian counselling takes an approach that gears towards dogmatic principles rather than allowing the client to risk following a path towards authentic self. For example, very often this path will involve the end of a marriage, something a christian counsellor wouldn’t be too comfortable encouraging. Sorry for the long post. Overall, just some thoughts on main goal of becoming oneself and how therapists can assist the client with this, and whether you have any thoughts in Christian theology in this area. Secondly, the conscious hub you are working on…any plans to bring to Australia?

  2. Your comment on Islam is actually misguided, though its not your fault as sadly these notions are often perpetuated by Muslims who don’t have proper understanding of scripture themselves. Islam does not say all non-Muslims will go to hell. Also, the Quran did instruct believers to marry those with monotheistic beliefs. Islam believes there is no compulsion in religion. A lot of the scripture is not understood properly, or taken out of context.

    • hi aime. first, it’s a humorous, tongue-in-cheek essay. it’s not intended as a serious discussion on the scriptural tenets of these world religions — though it is intended as a serious commentary on what a lot of “religious” people say. (and that includes psychiatry as a religion.)
      all the best,
      daniel

    • reply part 2: Aime, i just re-read this essay (after several years) and then your comment and i realized you were correct, so i changed the essay. my last comment, in hindsight, was not a very good one. all the best, daniel

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