The Hypocrite’s Dictionary

[Written in 2007.  Note added, 12/27/13:  This is a humorous, ironic essay.  It was written tongue-in-cheek.  Sorry I didn’t note that earlier.]

Hypocrites use entirely specialized definitions of words to obscure the truth – and to destroy those who champion it.  Since part of their hypocrisy is that they never fess up – even to themselves – about what their definitions really are, I have taken the liberty of doing it for them.

  • Addiction:  The problem a person is considered to have when his addiction is not acceptable to the norm.
  • Arrogance:  Suggesting to an insane person that you are less insane than he.
  • Blame:  Having the nerve to hold your traumatizers accountable for their actions.
  • Boundaries:  The invisible line surrounding a person’s insanity which you are somehow supposed to respect.
  • Candidness:  A positive style of open communication in which I unbutton your collar and sink my fangs into your neck.
  • Censorship:  Loving my enemies to the degree that I prevent them from incriminating themselves with the truth.
  • Childhood:  A time in early life where I struggled at all costs to keep alive that part of myself that I now believe never even existed.
  • Circumcision:  Showing a male baby how much we love him, unlike some backward African tribes who actually genitally mutilate their female babies.
  • Compromise:  Successfully pawning a portion of my soul in exchange for increased intimacy with the pawnbroker.
  • Contentment:  Achieving the blissful state in which I forget just how miserable I actually am.
  • Controlling:  Insisting to an insane person that the conversation include viewpoints contrary to his denial.
  • Cult:  A mild-controlling, disturbed group of powerful, parasitic strangers who I can’t bring myself to admit act just like my family.
  • Dating:  Intimacy’s version of trying to find intelligent life on Mars.
  • Death:  A celebrated state of non-life that we are supposed to emulate while living.
  • Death Penalty:  Do unto murderers as my parents did unto my soul.
  • Defensiveness (emotional):  That strange, angry, and unwarranted boundary exhibited by someone healthier than me when I unexpectedly stick a dagger into his psychic guts.
  • Denial:  A refusal by the aforementioned defensive person to accept my exhortations that I only stabbed him out of love.
  • Depression:  The unforgivable admission that you have higher aspirations than a life of quiet desperation.
  • Enemy:  A thoroughly evil person who has the audacity to challenge my false beliefs about myself.
  • Enlightenment:  The ultimate state of dissociation in which I feel only bliss over my lack of contribution to humanity.
  • Erotica:  Pornography for people who wouldn’t dare steep so low as to use pornography.
  • Family:  A restaurant-like organization in which the parents are both the managers and the customers and the children are both the waiters and the food.
  • Feminism:  Making men pay double for the inferiority a woman can’t acknowledge her mother instilled in her soul.
  • Forgiveness:  Letting off the hook those whose pathology I’m still hooked into.
  • Friendship:  A relationship in which both members mutually unconsciously support and nurture one another’s self-deception.
  • Funeral:  A chance to finally idealize a person I avoided having lunch with for the last ten years because I found them so repulsive.
  • Gay:  Someone who openly acknowledges his or her homosexual side, unlike a hefty percentage of the other 90% of humanity.
  • Genetics:  Utter biological proof that my parents did not cause my demise.
  • Genius:  He who finds new, clever, and sophisticated ways to repackage the same old lies.
  • Grandparents:  Sweet, kindly, tottering old people with dentures and white hair whom I can’t hold directly responsible for my problems because they only perverted the people who perverted me.
  • Grieving:  A natural state of misery that begins when I misplace the cork that plugged up my bottle of denial and ends when I buy a new cork.
  • Growth:  The process of becoming more sophisticated, independent, and content at rationalizing the misery of my stunted life.
  • Hatred:  The pleasant and confident feeling of despising others who had nothing to do with causing my demise.
  • Healthy:  A state in which my pathology has finally become trained not to step outside the accepted box of the norm.
  • Heaven:  The reward I get after I die if I spend my life appeasing the parents who crushed my chances for truly living.
  • Hope:  A warm, future-oriented feeling in which I believe all will be okay in spite of the hidden, ticking nuclear bomb my family implanted into my unconscious.
  • Honesty:  When passionate dishonesty overlaps snugly with society’s denial.
  • Human Evolution:  The steady marching of humanity toward a globally collective dissociation that is driving us toward extinction.
  • Humility:  Mastering the art of faking open-mindedness about my flaws.
  • Hypocrite:  A person who confuses his false self with his true self and brands you a hypocrite if you call him on it.
  • Idiot:  An offensive term for someone so stupid or primitive as to lack my sophisticated ability to deny the truth.
  • Judgmental:  When you point out my depravity to my face.
  • Karma:  A complex belief system that says that although I behave like a wolf, if I dress like a sheep I won’t come back in the next life as a cockroach.
  • Lesbian:  A woman who most men hate because she does exactly what they want her to do but won’t let them watch.
  • Love:  Stealing from others what I pretend to be giving them.
  • Maturity:  Learning how to perform the above action repeatedly without getting caught.
  • Marriage:  A contract between two adults who detest each other to such a degree that they role model to their offspring the essence of compassion.
  • Meditation:  A set of techniques that allows me to avoid having to meditate on what’s really going on in my life.
  • Misery:  An unpleasant, unwanted feeling in which the true self escapes its stranglehold and takes a quick, gasping breath of air.
  • Money:  Universally accepted proof that I have succeeded in spite of my failure.
  • Mother:  The woman who loves me most in the world despite the fact that she created me to drink my psychic blood.
  • Narcissistic:  What you are when your healthy needs demand more of me than my narcissism is willing to give.
  • Never: Sometimes, often, or always, as in, “I never abuse my children, except when they deserve it, just as I deserved the abuse that I never got.”
  • Nightmare:  A disturbing dream which sheds no light on a part of myself that doesn’t exist anyway.
  • Nonjudgmental:  Turning a blind eye toward my depravity.
  • Nostalgia:  What happens to a traumatic memory after it takes a trip to the plastic surgeon.
  • Obesity:  A physical state in which the unadulterated food addictions of so many Americans have now rendered it beautiful to be fat.
  • Overpopulation:  Irrefutable scientific proof that humans are more biologically evolved than lemmings.
  • Parents:  Two irresponsible, delusional strangers who shared the single basic idea that creating you would teach them the meaning of love.
  • Perfection:  An idealized state of being able to smile in spite of the painful tortures that I don’t believe I even experienced anyway.
  • Pervert:  One who actually does what most just masturbate about.
  • Political Correctness:  A polite, upbeat way of speaking that protects the denial of minority groups that I secretly detest.
  • Procreation:  The irony that the least creative people retain the ability to create the greatest art.
  • Propaganda:  The disgustingly disturbing trick of twisted megalomaniacs who have the self-righteous gall to spew the honest truth.
  • Psychiatric Medication:  For those too healthy to dissociate spontaneously, a little chemical push in the right direction.
  • (Bad) Psychotherapy:  A frustrating, misery-inducing process in which a smug, condescending professional charges me money to get me to feel and integrate the deepest pain of my childhood abandonment for the sake of my growth toward enlightenment.
  • (Good) Psychotherapy:  A valuable, instructive process in which a loving, caring emissary of truth manipulates me into burying my honest pain, misery, abandonment, and rejection of childhood deep into my unconscious so I can thereby experience the bliss of dissociation.
  • Queer:  A pejorative term by which self-hating people of alternate sexual orientations refer to themselves in a disguised attempt to win love from their homophobic parents.
  • Rational:  Using seemingly logical thoughts to completely disprove emotional reality.
  • Romantic Relationships:  An excellent form of human camouflage that functions to protect denial-oriented souls from the truth of their arrested development.
  • Saint:  One who selflessly shares the best of himself with others yet is completely disconnected from his own self.
  • Science:  The art of using statistics, mathematics, emotionally disconnected logic, and persuasive, sophisticated arguments to prove unreality to be true.
  • Self:  That odd and uncomfortable inner twitch that reminds me that I might just exist – and might be totally off track in my life.
  • Self-Esteem:  The positive feeling resulting from the popularity that comes because I derive the most comfort from the least connection with myself.
  • Selfish:  What I label you when you nurture your true self instead of capitulate to my false self.
  • Sexuality: The part of myself that compulsively seeks out others who unconsciously remind me of the worst of my parents and then tricks me into symbolically recreating the worst of my childhood with them.
  • Spirituality:  An advanced state of being in which I have completely lost contact with my spirit and thus am convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that I now have all the answers.
  • Suicide:  An act in which a person murders his physical body following the example of how his parents murdered his soul, except that in suicide his parents feel bad about it.
  • Truth:  A murky, all-encompassing, unprovable, relative, shifting concept of what reality is not, and which, like the unconscious, is better left undefined because it just makes troubled people feel uncomfortable.
  • Unconditional Love:  Loving someone in a way that prevents either of us from figuring out that all I expect in return is your filleted soul.
  • Unconscious (Noun):  The part of myself that doesn’t exist and that I don’t want pointed out to me.
  • Viciousness:  The unforgivable behavior of a healthier person who pierces my denial and thus causes me some healthy pain.
  • Violence:  My warranted response to the above-mentioned offender.
  • War:  An attempt by society to purge its collective rage at its parents by vomiting it onto a different society.
  • X-Husband/X-Wife:  A safe personal receptacle for my unacknowledged rage at my parents, which is why I once picked him/her in the first place.
  • Youth:  That strange stage of life when a person is not fully mature enough to have blocked off his connection with the truth and thus cannot possibly be wise enough to be taken seriously.
  • 

Zygote:  The cell formed by the joining of sperm and egg which signals the beginning of the arm-wrestling competition between the core of internal perfection and the perversion of external denial.

 

3 thoughts on “The Hypocrite’s Dictionary

  1. i must read this to remind myself of all the hipocricy that exist in the world around me. Thank you for collecting this list.

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