My name is Daniel Mackler and I am a musician, filmmaker, Youtuber, and writer based in New York. I also worked for ten years as a psychotherapist in New York, though I ended my therapy practice in 2010. My creative work focuses on the destruction of our natural environment and the causes, consequences, and significance of childhood trauma. I see childhood trauma as r
anging from the extreme, which is common, to the mild, which is so much more common that few even notice it at all, much less call it by its proper name. I view the norm in our culture as being highly traumatized and I view the average, and even above-average, childhood as being extremely traumatic – and the average parent as lacking both awareness of this and deep empathy for the child.
I see our world growing more pathological, confused, polluted, overpopulated, and disturbed by the day – and I feel that to stand by and say nothing while we destroy our planet is, at the least, irresponsible. Yet I write with great hope – both for individual healing and for the collective healing of our world. I seek to offer a new perspective – on relationships, on manifesting the best of ourselves, on the potential value of celibacy, on parenting, on the pathology of the family system, and on the future of our species.
Of note: I recently made a page for older comments from this welcome page to my website, because the hundreds or perhaps thousands of comments were making this page terribly slow to open!! Also, if you do leave a comment, please consider this: 1) If you type in your full name, it will show up on search engines, so if that concerns you, please only use your first name or use a pseudonym. 2) I don’t always have the time or energy to reply to comments, especially if they are very long. I love your comments, I read them all, and I wish I had more time and energy than I do!! And I wish you all the best!!! Thank you, everyone!!! –Daniel
Have you ever had someone accuse you of not having a soul? It’s happened to me a few times in the last year or so, during the time I thought I was having MORE fidelity to the voice inside me. I’m kind of taken aback when it happens, confused. It’s like I keep provoking more superstitious reactions from people.
Thank you so much for the work you do and the amazing videos. I found your channel very recently and theyve motivated me to pull through hard times and work on healing myself + being more compassionate with my relationships with others.
I hope you have an amazing day! Keep up the great work =)
Thank you Ann.
Hi Daniel,
Do you think it’s possible to be 100% true self in our modern world in which 99.999% of people are not healing? Maybe we are social creatures, we want to follow others at some level..? And you said everyone is traumatized including you, even the healthiest person hasn’t resolved their deepest childhood trauma. So being 100% true self is only possible when majority of people start healing?
Thanks!
Hi Young Woo —
Well, I think it would be pretty hard to heal it all! But still maybe possible…
But definitely easier if more people were doing it!
I’m wishing you the best,
Daniel
One cannot be truly 100% healed from my p.o.v. because trauma is always happening and therefore one is always in a process of healing i.e. growth
Hello Daniel,
I hope this message finds you well.
I’m currently in a time of my life where I feel overwhelmed by everything going on around me. Lately, I’ve been feeling exhausted, socially withdrawn, and at times it feels like I’m stranded in an emotional void. I sometimes have thoughts where I wish to be engulfed in silence as the world disappears from my eyes– not necessarily to die but just to yearn for a button that would erase my existence from this world. It also doesn’t help that I’m a university students and these feelings interfere with my academic performances.
I’ve been watching your videos lately and I wanna say that they have provided me with comfort and clarity. I admire your wisdom, vulnerability, and validation of trauma, and I feel like I’m learning a lot from your videos. You’ve rekindled my interest in psychology as I see more as a discipline that helps us become more understanding and empathetic to not only other people but also to ourselves. For this reason, I think I want to study psychology and eventually have a career related to it.
I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this, and I have no expectations that you will. I just wanted to send you this message to inform you that you’re having a positive impact on someone’s life and hopefully you’ll use that reminder as encouragement to continue sharing your experiences with us.
Thank you.
Best regards,
– Vi.
Thank you Vi. I am wishing you the best!
Daniel
Subject: Question about Managing Anxiety after Hearing Your Perspective
Hi Daniel,
I recently watched your take on anxiety, and it really gave me a new perspective on something I’ve been struggling with. I’ve had a tool that helped me calm myself down when feeling anxious—I’d remind myself that anxiety often doesn’t serve me well in certain moments and could lead me to underperform. This approach has worked for a while, but after watching your video and hearing your perspective that anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I’ve found that my usual method doesn’t seem to work as well anymore. It’s left me feeling even more anxious, almost as though I’ve lost a helpful coping tool.
I’m wondering if you have any advice on how to reconcile my previous approach with your perspective. Is there a way to embrace the anxiety while still finding some way to manage it in those high-stress moments? I’d love to hear any thoughts you might have on this.
Thanks so much for your work—it’s been incredibly eye-opening for me.
Best regards,
Parth
Hey Daniel,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m currently in a time in my life where everything I knew about my family is in upheaval, and it’s like I’m only just realising my mind was in an upside down world for the first 21 years of my life. Slowly lifting the veil of denial, on both myself and my family, is TERRIFYING – and it’s so risky. Yet I wanted to share this with you and with whoever might be reading this because maybe my life experience so far might be helpful data for others when it comes to breaking away from your parents and knowing when and how.
As I’ve gotten even only SLIGHTLY more in touch with my independence, I’ve discovered my parents have been monitoring my emotional landscape, keeping me emotionally transparent, my whole entire life – and they’re always at the ready to catch me out. I had no idea I was so emotionally fragile and vulnerable before, letting others walk all over me – not only my parents but everybody else I’ve met in the world, as a result. I think what I really want to say is that from what I’ve learnt in my own experience, for people who were quite literally brainwashed from the get-go, there can be IMMENSE value in kind of testing your new-found emotional independence in the PRESENCE of your family, in addition to away from them. I’m learning that as I fumble through trying to protect myself a lot more, my parents are ramping up their attacks to demonically deranged levels, and it’s actually given me so much information on just how I had been treated my entire life. THEY LITERALLY GIVE THEMSELVES AWAY SO BADLY precisely BECAUSE they are trying to amp up their ridiculous, clownish, cruel and manipulative antics. They intimidate me by going through my closet when they think I’m asleep, reading my diaries, rummaging through my rubbish bins, going on insane tirades about Noah’s Ark and how the small animals on the Ark are going to be saved from the sinners who drown in the flood but how King Louis the IV or something made an offhand comment to let the peasants drown in the flood so they hanged the spoiled pampered French aristocrats (implying I will be punished if I say something out of line??), and they intimidate and infantilise me, offering me milk saying that little kids need to grow (I know what the hell this actually happened) while sneering, saying other terrible things to try to scare me back into their control. Like this stuff gives me so much evidence and insight on THEIR levels of disturbed, THEIR levels of denied paranoia and terror and guilt and insecurity, and how I myself became a reflection of that – that’s the reason why they dared to say all this stuff to my seemingly oblivious face at all – and it’s disturbing to me just who I was before, and it’s disturbing to me just how under their mental control I was and am in as I find myself distinctively chafing against it now. I feel like I am in danger, but this is worth it – because I had been DEAD, so so so ill before, and this is my only chance to have any chance at life anyways, so if I die amidst all this danger who cares I tried something REAL in my life. But anyways, I’ve grown a bit more now, and things are unfolding, and I’ve been entered into a world of so much subliminal communication that I was literally BLIND to before because I was that traumatised and crushed out, literally kept on a leash known as my infantile abandonment wounds. My family speaks in code – never knew this, but now I do – my scapegoat brother has always tried to warn me about my parents through shrouded metaphor in conversation, there is a power play from every damn subliminally weird creepy sentence my parents spew out, and it’s high time I fight for myself, not by turning a terrified blind eye and going back into the familiar comforts of my classical conditioning from them, or by being so spooked I scurry away, but to literally run screwed-up-head first into that hurricane.
It’s like I’m trying to test my independence ON them, trying to see what reflexive feelings come up in me in their presence due to their conditioning as they respond, and what new-found independence I have that is pushing against that. Their mounting threats give them away, which builds my motivation more, somehow builds my SELF-ESTEEM more as I realise that who they are is weird and was downloaded into me and I’m a separate being, which urges me to build myself a home within myself even more, which builds my independence even more (hopefully), I make mistakes that they catch me out in, and that is feedback on how I can improve in protecting/hiding/guarding/building myself, and somehow it’s actually a positive cycle. My parents are both trauma AND adversity – they’re traumatising in the ways they bat me around like I’m some sort of disrespected inferior object, but that in and of itself as I’ve come more to that reality, is an adversity that can help me grow. I’m beginning to think that for some people, who were VERY brainwashed, like me, I NEED to stay in my family for a long time before breaking away, because not only do I need more information out of them, I also want to TRAIN MYSELF AGAINST THEM, become stronger to overcome their threats and intimidation and gossip by training my perceptions in catching it out… kind of like training my abilities to build emotional boundaries, to protect myself, AGAINST the threats and challenges they provide for me. I think THAT is how I will NATURALLY become more independent and not flounder in the real world, which has MORE challenges and threats. A huge part of me is telling me that breaking away too early is bad for me, because if I did, it’s like I bypassed a lower level in a game, which is my family, to enter a more difficult level, which is the gigantic real world FULL of different people just like my family, of whom I have even more of a disadvantage with when it comes to protecting myself, because the real world is just so much more complex to navigate. ESPECIALLY when I replicate my traumas unconsciously and attract people who are just like my family to me. It’s like something out there is URGING me to grow IN THE MIDST of the threat of my parents, because if I by-passed the challenge of not only butting heads with them constantly (covertly!) but also being able to coexist with them as an independent self, the threat and my fear of it, and not being able to overcome it, will continue to replicate with people who are copies of my parents coming to me from the real world that I venture out to. The lesson will continue to arise in my life if I do not resolve and overcome it when it first emerged.
I think the time when I will break away is when I get strong enough in my self that even they know they have no more use for me, and THEY want to get rid of me, and we literally become emotional strangers and we all know it. I’m not there yet – so that’s why I need to stay. Not just because I need to learn more about what they did and do to me, but also because they as people are ironically the only opportunity for me to get back what was mine, in the sense that they stole my growth and childhood, so I need to grow AGAINST their attacks and threats into a fuller person again. As a by-product I get truth – as a by-product of butting heads with them emotionally, I also have illuminated all the areas in myself I need desperately to grow and develop. I don’t want to leave just because I’m scared of them. If I did, I’d encounter them again in other people in the real world, and I’d be so unmoored on my own that I’d be too weak to fend them off, and I inevitably have no choice but to be walked all over again by these parental replications. I want to leave because I’ve grown so independent even while dealing with them, and motivated to become more independent BECAUSE I’ve been dealing with their mounting threats, that they no longer can use me, and I can no longer use the threat of them to grow. I want to leave with an ACCURATE snapshot of just who my family were as people, and I can only get there by prodding them with my independence, in real time, to show their CLOWNISH selves. Also… it’s because I CANNOT afford to continue to search for parental figures anymore, especially in my brother. He’s strong and he’s never needed our parents to know truth, he’s always had such a strong sense of self, instead his whole life he’s been traumatised and dragged down by all of us, so he will leave whenever he’s ready, and I don’t want to be another person dragging him down anymore. He literally tells me that our parents just want to try to pretend to have a relationship with him for the sake of ‘optics’. I want that too with my parents without using my brother as a crutch to get to that point. And the way to resolve that, for me, is to literally grow enough against my parents’ threats to the point where they are quite literally redundant to my growth as well. I haven’t even gotten there yet, so it’s DEFINITELY not time for me to break away.
I KNOW this is NOT possible for lots of people, especially with people stuck in families and situations that are literally going to try to IRREVOCABLY cripple/damage/even KILL them if they’re stuck in there any longer. I don’t know – maybe I’m blind to just how dangerous my parents can be, since they groomed ME to be their caregiver in old age, so maybe I’m stuck in a very dangerous situation too right now, but this is literally the only chance I have at life. I’m motivated to be a lot more careful now, seeing all the mistakes I made recently. Let’s just say my parents are SO terribly crafty and I was so careless before. But I need to grow and fight. I want to escape the chronic emptiness and mental illness and acting out and actually have a life. And I know defences can cripple who we are in the bigger world if we overly reinforce them in reaction to our families. But I think for some people, like me, I need to BUILD these HEALTHY defences, all of which were taken from me. So I need to stay.
I hope this can help anybody out there!!!! I’m only realising now that I’m only JUST at the starting point of healing – and I can see so much ahead of me – literally because I see my parents ahead of me.
— Mary
MARY,
PLEASE GET AWAY AS SOON AS YOU CAN…..YOU NEED KINDNESS, LOVE AND SUPPORT. YOU WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER GET THIS WHILST YOU STAY IN THIS TRAP.
FIND A C-PTSD TRAUMA THERAPIST… (RESEARCH CLOSELY-NOT ALL ARE EQUAL).
AND LOVE YOURSELF….. YOU HAVE BEEN SO TOTALLY ABUSED.
GET AWAY FROM THEM. THIS IS HORRIFIC ABUSE…
Sending STRENGTH and love. ❤️
Do you know if there’s a way to tell if I’m mourning a false self, or if its a true part of me im actually separated from. Sometimes I’ve dreamed that I could be a different kind of person. But I can’t tell if it’s a fantasy, maybe thinking i’d be rescued if I were more like that. Does that make sense, thank you
Your questions and concerns are compelling. Thank you for sharing them.
Hi Jack, Susan here. My experience has been when the false self, the one designed by parents, teachers, friends, society, culture, etc. is leaving, there is a deep sadness that comes with it. There is mourning for who we once were, who we thought we were. It’s like being told a parent. Isn’t yr parent. Who am I without what I know? It’s painful in all areas mental physical, emotional, As if something is being ripped from my soul. afterwards, there has been exhaustion, a need for rest. Take it. And then a void to fill with what I want. What ever left, what would I put in its place, something that is truly me? I’ve learned not to force it. Let it run its course. Eliminate distractions so I can sense it, feel it. Sometimes I sit quietly, take walks, whatever I sense I need to do, but it’s all about finding what works for me what I like what I want to do and it’s in stages, thank goodness for that. I wish you the best of becoming you. I hope this helped a little bit.
Love your response Susan.
Thank you, Chris.
Hi Daniel I’m interested in becoming a psychologist yet the journey seems hard and long and I don’t if I will work what jf I fail I keep hearing people saying how difficult it is and that I should rather settle for something else I’m lost confused and to be unfulfilled I’m 19 going to college next year possibly but yeah
Hi Maulana,
I became a therapist myself through becoming a social worker. I chose not to be a psychologist. I wasn’t interested in that much psychological academics. I did end up reading a huge amount of psychology, and learned a lot that way, but so much of the academic psychology curriculum was not interesting to me — and didn’t seem that it would be useful. There are many different paths to becoming a therapist, if that is what interests you. Being a psychologist is just one.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Have you heard about the work of Bruce Ecker who explains the underlying mechanism of why and when psychotherapies are effective? Independent of any therapy school.
I am very excited learning about this because it gives me understanding why I don’t like and trust some “evidence -based” psychotherapies and do others (like IFS).
Warmly
Hi Lukas,
Greetings. I don’t know the work of Bruce Ecker, but it almost sounds like you are describing the work of Bruce Wampold. Is that possible? If so, I do know Bruce Wampold and I have also followed his work on the subjects you describe. I actually made a video where I reference his work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqLILX0pZF4
I also have a separate video on evidence-based therapies: Why I Don’t Like Evidence-Based Psychotherapy — A Former Therapist Speaks: https://youtu.be/YRMVEONXbbo
Meanwhile, I’m going to look up Bruce Ecker now.
All the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you have ever experienced sexuality confusion or if you have worked with people who have experienced sexuality confusion. I (female) am currently somewhat attracted to a man due to his emotional maturity (it is hard to find this quality in young men my age), however, I struggle to feel physically attracted to him and therefore do not know if I should try to pursue some kind of romantic relationship. It’d be nice to have a partner who is emotionally mature and responsible, but the thing is, I struggle to feel any kind of physical attraction to men. I am more physically attracted to women and feel like I notice women much more than I notice men, so I am confused about my ‘crush.’ The other thing is, although I feel more physically attracted to women, I can’t see myself in a long term relationship with a woman, and have never been in a relationship with a woman. I also feel like even if I did tell this man about my ‘crush’ on him, he wouldn’t like me because I think (but don’t know for sure) he prefers women who have a more feminine appearance. I don’t feel like I have a feminine appearance, and while I am ok with that, it kind of hurts when I think about how he (probably) doesn’t feel the same way about me due to that. Also, this is very strange for me because I hardly ever feel attracted to anyone. So I don’t know what to do with myself now that I feel attracted to someone for the first time in years. I guess when I think of him, I mainly crave emotional intimacy, not a sexual relationship (though maybe I will be interested in that after building emotional intimacy?). For example, I really just want to talk to him for hours and get to know him better and spend time with him.
I do wonder if any of this confusion (or the attraction itself) is due to my relationship with my dad, because as a child my dad was emotionally neglectful and an alcoholic. My dad always provided financially (although the alcoholism worsened our financial situation), but he was never really supportive of me, never encouraged me, we hardly ever even talked despite living in the same house.
So, I guess my question is, how do I cope with having this weight of sexuality confusion? What do I do about it to have some certainty? I’ve felt confused about my sexuality since puberty, but now that I’m 22 I feel like I really need to figure myself out somehow.
Any responses are welcome, being a young adult I feel like I need the perspective of someone with more life experience to help me with this please.
Hi Ximena,
I respect your ponderings! I do know a number of people who have taken a good long while to sort out their sexual and romantic (and attraction) feelings toward others, and I also have noted that these feelings can change over time. One thing I regret in my past was a pressure, first imposed by others and then self-imposed, to make a relationship overtly romantic or sexual rather quickly. That ruined many a good potential friendships for me… I think it’s better to go slow, develop the friendship more, get to know the person better. I think if a romantic relationship is meant to be, that will become more clear over time — and if it’s not meant to be, that will become more clear too. Also, I have seen how unresolved issues with our parents (and other authority figures) can influence our romantic and attraction feelings… Speaking from personal experience, I feel so much more secure and healthy in the romance/attraction area of my life after having done a lot of healing from my childhood issues related to my parents… What a process it’s been…and continues to be (I’m 52). Wishing you the best on your journey!! Daniel
P.S. I did make a video sort of about this (“Advice to My Former Teenage Self About Sex and Romance”), though maybe you already saw it (and I do acknowledge that you’re 22, not a teenager!!!): https://youtu.be/zGtzdhsrVCM
I liked how you talked about stockholm syndrome being the norm. I was wondering.. would you say in a way, everybody is blackmailed? That there’s a sort of… glass houses stalemate? It’s been interesting (disturbing) to read in the news, about people not going public about the bad things they’ve seen at certain powerful peoples parties… because they’re also implicated.
Recently my parents took in a stray dog. I know this may sound unrelated, but there was something I felt from them. She (the stray) got into a fight with our other dog so now they have to be kept apart. She’s been living in the bathroom, and everyday whines and tries to open the door. One of my first memories is pounding on my parents door when I knew they were in there, and acting like they couldn’t hear me. So it’s been strange for me to have the job of walking her, and going in there and feeding her and so on, but also, to be on the other side, of that cry of someone who knows you’re there. They say they can’t find a home for her, and that this is still better than being on the street. For all I know it is. She’s almost like my baby and I go in there a lot, to pet her and play with her, and take her on long walks. But it’s strange, some part of me thinks it gives my parents a secure feeling for me to be in on it, in a way. It makes me wonder about those sleazy partners in crime that I see in the headlines. What do they talk about with each other? Do they ever bring up doubts, or share their justifications? Are we all initiated ?
Idk if this is making sense. Or obvious. Thank you Daniel for your videos, I want to have a lifestyle one day of fidelity to myself, not being disconnected. Even living with my parents I think I can achieve a bubble of truth
Good day Daniel,
Let’s imagine more people are doing healing / grieving process, becoming aware of their true selves, honest and respectful to each other. No more trauma and humilation. That’s be a great world to live in! A lot of problems would be solved. But what’s next? To live in harmony with yourself and others, enjoy life and eventually die? Dying isn’t a bad thing, but some people may think: “Oh I’m gonna die anyway, I wanna try all the pleasures of life (drugs, alcohol) and if I hurt someone, it’s fine, noone will hold me accountable.”
Hello Daniel,
I have OCD, and was reminded yesterday of a traumatic event that happened to me in the past where someone assaulted me and sexually harassed me, and I can’t even meet them to verbally, or physically confront them. My OCD theme is fear of getting stuck thinking about something, so have you published anything related? Because I don’t know how to handle it.
Hi D.,
Hmm, I don’t know that I’ve published anything specifically on that. I do have some Youtube videos on confronting parents…sort of a related topic. However, regardless, I wouldn’t recommend physically confronting anyone, especially years later. I’m not sure if that could accomplish anything positive, and could certainly result in many potential negative consequences…
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a big fan of your channel and find your videos incredibly informative. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
I was wondering if you could consider doing a video on somatization. It’s a topic that not many people have discussed from a psychoanalytical perspective.
Thanks again.
Best regards,
Ali
Hi Ali,
It’s a good topic, I agree. (I would to say, however, that I come from what is considered a “psychoanalytic” perspective, though I do like to psychologically analyze things!) Meanwhile, I did make a video that is on a certain aspect of somatization — on my own personal healing from ulcerative colitis. https://youtu.be/P9brVhmWr2M
I wonder what you would think of it…
All the best to you,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
What do you think of creating a platform where traumatized people can gather and share their pains as well as listen to each other, sort of a pshychological session.? It can also help people make friends and connect with each other from different parts of the world.
Hi Veracious,
I used to have such a platform, connected to my website… But it was so exhausting!!! I actually made a video about this some time back: https://youtu.be/ysEGj50JSEc
But I definitely think it’s a great idea to have such a platform…but I’ve learned that at least at this point in my life, I’m not the person to create or manage it… I just don’t think I could handle it emotionally!!!
But I’d love it if someone else did it…..
Daniel
I felt like sharing a recent journal of mine to you Daniel. I am a 19 yo subscriber.
“This whole acting. This whole show I am trying to put on. Where I hide all my insecurities and issues and convincing my mind that I am strong. It’s getting to me. It is getting harder and harder. I can’t keep it inside me.
I don’t like hiding. I’m hiding things from myself. I don’t want to realize certain things about me. So I can’t really find me out. Find who I am. Therefore others won’t either. Nomatter how nice they approach me. It’s not there.
I feel like I have a valuable gem inside me and it’s hidden even from myself. I can’t access it. And that way. I am staying low in life. I’m staying rested.”
Hi Daniel,
This is something that has happened in my adult years so far with how dismissive and trigger happy most people seem to be on the internet these days to just ban people for a rush of a quick unjustifiable powertrip.
How do you deal with idiots and mean negative jerks always punishing you for daring to speak your inner truth of who you are and be creative? I don’t mean sketchy stuff. I mean things like making your own art. Anything from miniatures to articulated figures to drawing and learning how to make those with great success actually. I always feel like “I DID IT!” and my artpieces are a part of me.
It feels like they’re rejecting the very essence of “me” whenever they gang up on me for making whatever fictional SFW works I want and assassinate my character with their petty bullshit and they just want to go on a power trip to ostracize a random person who cares about the source material of the fandom by telling everyone to ignore me at best or ban me at worst. While reinforcing this narrative that all fan created content MUST be stupid immature jokes and shitposts.
Then its demoralizing when I see the same hypocrites supporting porn and other nasty stuff on social media.
How do we get back the joy we once had for our hobbies? After the last 5 or so years of this bullshit online I feel like I can’t bring myself to open up an art program on my computer or take a pen to paper most days.
Thank you in advance,
-A Concerned Citizen
Hello, Daniel,
Your insights have greatly shaped my journey, and I’m deeply grateful. You helped me through a tough time.
Having once explored secular Eastern spirituality, I often found that many in these circles seemed strangely disconnected from their emotions. Worse, they would use their ideologies to justify inflicting pain on others, as if their beliefs absolved them of responsibility and criticism. Phrases like ‘Nothing matters,’ ‘There is no self,’ or ‘Thoughts create problems—ignore them’ seemed to free them from accountability.
What I found most troubling, though, was the frequent refrain: ‘You are suffering because of your bad karma, if not from this life, then from a past one.’ As if a little child, sexually abused and helpless, could be blamed for some karmic debt. It was a notion that never sat right with me.
I recently watched your video, ‘The Reality of Spirituality—A Critique,’ and it left me with more questions. I would love to hear your further thoughts on this.
A fellow survivor of our messed up system gave me your name. I’m a former psych nurse who ended up getting caught up in the system as a patient at age 55 (now 60). I’m recently free after 4 psychiatric admissions in the past two months (1 voluntary, the rest involuntary/coerced).
I’m so psyched to find a fellow former practitioner / survivor who is doing well. I’m still a mess from all the trauma but eventually want to do advocacy work. Any chance you can point me to trustworthy organization to find allies? I’m aware of MadInAmerica, Rob Wipond, Mind Freedom…
I have no secrets and am trying to have no shame.
Tara
Hi Tara,
Well, if you’ve found MadInAmerica and Rob Wipond and MindFreedom I’d say you’ve already pretty much found the best connections!!! So I’m not sure I have any other good ones to offer!!
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Could you make a video on DID (dissociative identify disorders)? Any tips how to recover from that. I’m 41 years old, I felt weird all my life, at age 32 I started digging in why I feel so, as the internal pain was huge. Apart from what I remember from my childhood (I was growing up in very abusive house), I was started discovering a nightmare I went through, started when I was two till around six, seven years old ( I sexual abused by my father and other friend of my parents, but lately what I was discovering that my mother sold me and my siblings few times to pedofilic network, we were used in childpornograpy). I have zero memories, just lots of somatic flashbacks. I confronted my parents and they reaction said a lot too. However, as terrible that sounds, I’m happy to at least know why I’m so disconnected from my body, knowing the truth about the past is so important.
Thank you
Can you make a video analyzing sibling abuse in the dysfunctional household and relative topics pertaining to unhealthy sibling relationships siblings such as siblings who become both the abuser and victim?
It would be interesting to see a focus on analyzing dynamics that extend outside of the child/parent.
Hi Daniel,
Hope you are doing. I wonder if you had any thoughts on common childhood diseases and their relation to childhood trauma. Specifically, I have in mind childhood asthma, whose cause is unknown and speculative. I personally was diagnosed with it, although it disappeared way before adulthood, I am wondering if it did connect to my childhood experiences. Asthma being the pathways of breathing being closed off suddenly and feeling severely stuck and in panic, it connects closely to what being terrified as a child by parents felt like. However, I had not heard of anyone else considering asthma being a result of childhood trauma.
Regards,
Jonathan
I have wondered, and honestly have believed, that asthma is connected with psychological difficulties, usually in the extreme—would love to hear Daniel’s perspective!
Jonathan,
Thank you for this post — very thought-provoking. I really like what you’ve written — make sense to me.
I would like to consider making a video on this.
all the best,
Daniel
Pediatric turned psychiatric nurse turned abused psychiatric patient here…
Asthma and stress/trauma (same thing) are 100% linked (as are many other childhood illnesses – (eczema, bowel issues, eating issue, acne…).
Some of these go away in adulthood, some are replaced by more serious issues (addiction, IBS, Chrons, Type 2 Diabetes, obesity), and some just continue to get worse as we age.
You’re lucky your asthma went away. My guess is you have other stress-related issued, both physical and psychological. It’s part of THEIR game.
We are the pawns in an ugly game where they keep us “sick” and dependent so they can make more money off of us. It’s abusive.
It’s not always our families that are the problem. It’s primarily society and a messed up mental healthcare system from cradle to grave.
Hi Daniel and everyone that is in the journey of healing!!
Any tips, advice, or light in how to heal from hypocondria? Ive been strugling with this for years but it has intensified last months
That question resonates for me because I have a friend who is a hypochondriac and would like for him to recognize it.
Hey Daniel. What are your views on self forgiveness? I’ve seen previous videos about how you view the conventional concept of forgiveness and that it halts the healing progress. Self forgiveness refers to the releasing oneself of anger bitterness and other negative emotions in response to be traumatized, wrongly and profoundly transgressed, or poorly treated in some way or form and coming at a place of experiencing or feeling peace.
I enjoy your videos as a lot of them resonate with me. Hope things have been treating you well as of lately. Thank you for taking the time in reading my question.
Hi Marcus,
Thanks for your comment. I actually recorded a video on this subject a couple of months ago and just released it yesterday.
I wonder what you’d think of it…
https://youtu.be/WKbeDLDsaiI
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to post your videos, they’ve been very inspiring and insightful. You have spoken often of the importance of sharing our stories of trauma. Like you, I lived with an abusive family, but only certain members were abusive. I’ve told friends my story, and even spoke with a therapist, but I find myself still wanting to recount it; wanting to air my grievances the way you have. Yet, I don’t want to shame anyone, and unlike you I chose to stay well into adulthood when I could (and should) have left. So, my question is, do you think there is benefit in working with active imagination, abstraction, or fictionalizing the narrative? I’ve caught myself writing my entire life story in emails to relative strangers, then deleting them unsent. I’m realizing that I’m not seeking anything from anyone, and just the process of writing the experience is enough to neutralize it. The subject of active imagination would make a great topic for one of your videos! Keep up the good work.
Hello Daniel and everyone,
I need urgent help! I need counselling. Is there anyone who can help me find my way out so Slovenian or European Psychiatry-systems. I get the wrong treatment! I need sunlight, detox, human relationships not just medications. It is really odd. I would like to say more but for now I whink it is better to stay with these basic calls for help.
Thank You,
James
Hey Daniel,
gonna keep this short!
Ive ibeen following your channel since a few years. Thank you for all your help. It gives me great strenght knowing that I am not alone in my beliefs.
Much love and peace from Nepal
Hi Karsim,
Thank you and greetings. And I hope to be coming to Nepal at some point in the next year or so…
All the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel, hope this finds you well.
I request that you make a video on the topic of bullying, and specifically its causes, effects, and how we can heal from it.
I have seen you touch on it briefly in some other videos of yours (I can’t remember specifically which ones) but I think this is a big enough topic that it warrants its own. I believe one could begin their childhood trauma healing work by looking at bullying experiences they have had and start there, be it being the victim of or participating in it, so it would be helpful to me and others.
Thank you and best wishes,
Isaac
Hi , I am a 25 year old female I am having a lot of problems with understanding what my problem is from the past year. I went on a trip with my friend and her boyfriend , I was the third wheel she treated me badly and I felt every minute in that trip was torture. I called the friendship quits and I decided never to talk to her again.
Then I went on another trip with other group of friends there one of friends said ” You know what , whatever happens in this life , you should not succeed more than us” Then one of my friends used my depression as a reason to take a trip. I pointed it out and they left me now in all this I was also insecure because I am the only one who does not earn .
From the very start I felt like I did not deserve to go on the trip. That carried on and these comments aggravated my frustration . Who is to be blamed for a broken friendship here? I don’t want to play the victim. Also I my brain has convinced me that I am really old at 25 and that I should start earning. I want to study but this is causing lot of disorientation and indecisive. I feel like the comments , the way I compare my life and everything has affected me alot.
Also in the panic that I would end up alone I took the friend from my First friendship back.
Just gonna say…it is Your life..but..if you want some advice from a person who has seen this happen to others before..i suggest..you take a break from those friends & life style. Do something completely Different. Unplug. Live a simple quiet life for a while until you are Healed. Then..see how you Feel. Instincts serve us well if we let them.
Hey everyone out there healing, a question for you.
As I’ve going through the healing journey and making major changes in my life, I still can’t say I feel a strong sense of self. I’m getting rid of the toxic people, journaling, exercising, earing better, quit smoking and drinking, joined healing communities, getting therapy, etc. Basically, I feel I’m doing all the right stuff. Or at least all the stuff everyone says is right.
However, I still don’t have a strong sense of self. I still don’t feel a sense of purpose or meaning in life. I can’t say I feel hopeless because there always hope to make money, have a job, buy all the garbage to make my life physically more comfortable and there’s always people to be friendly with. But, life just feels meaningless. I kind of wish I could turn back the clock and go back to the place I was before..in a fog, unaware, oblivious to everything.
What’s your experience with this? Did you move past this? How? What did you gain or learn from this? Are you stuck in it now? What are your thoughts?
Thanks yall.
I’m sorta going through this too. Would love to see more people discuss this part of healing.
Ive been saving money and working my ass off to create a safer more independent situation in my life and I can feel the emotions inching closer the surface but it would be so much nicer to talk to people who have actually gone through the process and not just have a pie in the sky hope for something I’m not even sure exists.
It’s definitely something not talked about much which makes me question if it’s common. Apparently not. While I’m not happy you are also going thru the same thing, it’s nice to know someone else has these feelings.
I’ve mentioned this many times in different places and still have yet to find anyone that says they’ve been there and got thru. I can find plenty of material which speaks about having a dark night of the soul, loss of sense of self, anhedonia, etc but no actual humans which can attest to having been here and made it thru. It makes me feel truly lost.
I hope you and I find some greater meaning, some purpose, a reason. We need to feel our lives have meaning and make sense.
When we are still at the outskirts of old patterns, we may find ourselves still immersed in a fog of unknowing, a lack of clarity. However, you can take comfort in the knowledge that beyond this outer fringe of the fog, there IS a clearing and there you will discover a new meaning to, and in, your life.
As you do the many good things you are already doing, you ARE engaged in purpose. However, moving away from the toxicity of past experience is really only the beginning of a healing journey. You must still sort through and thoroughly PROCESS all the memories and all the associated feelings to the toxic people and the damaging habits of the past, so that you may discover a new meaning, a new value, and a new significance to all you’ve been through.
As you process the mental and emotional levels, you must ALSO be releasing the associated energy distortions at the physical body level as well. Therefore, make sure to actively engage in some enjoyable form of physical exercise every single day so that the energetics of all past experiences, which are presently armored in your physicality, can rise to the surface and be release from the body.
Aside from all your good works already in the works, engage your physical body in the process, and have faith in your inevitable success.
Thanks for the pep talk.
I’m looking for people who’ve experienced this. Have you experienced prolonged period of physical and financial stability but still experienced what I wrote? If so, do share.
Everything I wrote comes from personal experience. The foggy place is the outskirts of a clearing where I spend more time in now. There is physical and financial stability as well. I went through a period of buying stuff and treating myself well in that regard, because I needed to do that. But I eventually began to feel weighed down by the “stuff” so stuff doesn’t really make me happy anymore. These days I feel like I am treating myself better when I engage in creative activities like writing and artwork. But more important than even the creative activities is exerting myself physically in some form of daily exercise — like dancing and hiking. If I don’t move my body actively I may find myself in a slump — in that negative place where “life is meaningless”. But even when that occurs I don’t worry about it anymore — I don’t worry that I’ll get stuck there — I allow it to happen and when I’m done processing, I pop back to my new normal state of mind which, for the most part is to be actively engaged in living my life in ways that gives me pleasure. I am still working on connecting more openly with others — it doesn’t come easy for me yet, especially with strangers, hence the ‘pep talk’. I hope this is more in line with what you were looking for.
As a truth-seeker and lover, I find this to be the most meaningful and most painful journey towards my purpose in life which is to know and love
God.
I couldn’t agree more.
Hi Jen….yes…i’ve done the dark night of the soul…several times. We Do have meaning…though we may not always feel like we do, we do.
Once you get all the way through it you will know this too.
Truth is, it can take years, i wish i could say otherwise..but..depending on our circumstances,,yes..it can happen quickly, or, it take years. and…we can go through it more than once. Especially if we are highly sensitive…this world is not exactly kind to people like us…we have to find our feet & learn how to walk in an alien world…
& since life keeps throwing crap around willy nilly..we will get hit by some of it every so often…& there we are..back in it again.
BUT..take heart..there is always a way out of that darkness..you will find it once you are healed enough to recognize that path…Just determine you Want to, therefore you are Going to, & half the battle is already won.
You Will make it out into the bright light of day, again. As many times as it takes..because..You Are Worth it.
I remember Daniel mentioned the importance of sobriety in one of his videos, and that’s been my experience, too. That fog and nostalgic feeling of contentment has always been drugs and alcohol for me. It took at least two years to really over come the worst of it, and after seven years the desire for escape is almost completely gone. For many of my generation (millennials) the drugs are videogames, casual dating, consumerism, vapid nostalgia, etc. And none of those things are wrong. Some people can even use drugs and alcohol in moderation, but the key is sobriety. Sobriety means (in it’s original sense), seriousness, being somber. We often trivialize our problems, and dismiss them with gallows humor. We try to numb the pain with drugs or sugary foods. That’s like the fog you describe, and that’s why sobriety is important. It lets us see clearly. We can still laugh, still eat ice cream, and still play videogames, but if we keep in touch with our emotions we will no longer need those things to feel meaning in our lives. Just being mindful, aware, and accepting of your emotions. Above all, get plenty of sleep and stay hydrated! 🙂 …and listen to Daniel, he knows his stuff!
Hi Jen, i’ve also been on this journey for over 3 years, and i still haven’t found my purpose in life. I despair sometimes, life is hard here in Greece. But i have hope. I think we need more time and more healing, and maybe we need to try out different things in life, to see if they work. Good luck and patience with your journey!
Going through the same thing word for word!
Down to potentially make a friend who gets it? honestly, It feels like I’m surrounded by those who aren’t goal-oriented or authentically within themselves just disinterested and seeking distractions and don’t want to dig in and make something beautiful? I feel adds to existential fog. No one knows what’s going on and could care less about answers, not explorative, just existing? I don’t want to simply exist.
When you’re the only one who feels like you’re reconstructing things amongst those you know family/friends it feels alienating and you don’t realize it.
Hi Daniel,
I wonder if you have any thoughts on the topic of not crying? As someone in this camp, I find difficulties in relating to my strong inner feelings of sadness towards myself and others, but with no tears coming out. I feel that I’m currently near the end of the process of trusting in the truth of my feelings and not filtering my emotions for unsafe others.
Regards,
Jonathan
I like your question Jonathan. I’ve noticed that it is difficult for me to cry as I have grown older. Thankfully, a good movie scene can bring on the tears big time still!
Hey Daniel, hope you’re alright
What are your thoughts on the Hikikomori phenomenon? People who withdraw from society, don’t work, don’t study, for years or decades. I saw your video on social anxiety and selective mutism, I struggled with both of those things as a kid which followed me into adulthood. Now, I shut myself away from the world, not leaving my house for months.
I would appreciate if you made a video on this phenomenon affecting millions of people around the world.
Hi K,
I started reading about Hikikomori when I was in Japan in 2023. I also had a long conversation with Professor Tamaki Saitō, who is one of Japan’s leading experts on hikikomori, when I was there. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamaki_Saitō ) He also happens to have a keen interest in Finnish Open Dialogue, and he and I were both speaking at an Open Dialogue event in Tokyo. But I was more interested in hikikomori than Open Dialogue! I’m not sure I yet have any original thoughts on hikikomori, or maybe I do. I think it would probably be worth making a video on the subject. So I’ll need time to think about it and study it more… But I will say this: for a lot of people, the world — the social world, the work world, the educational world — is hellish and terrifying and ridden with pressure, so I can understand why some people would withdraw from it….
I send you best wishes!
Daniel
I didn’t know that it is a phenomenon and has a name. Thanks, K! I wonder if it has other names in other cultures. Now I’m really looking forward to Daniel’s video on it.
Hi Daniel. Just want to thank you again for being one of the few voices of reason left amidst the pain and delusion. In more than one instances of despair, , your videos provided some hope. Many thanks.
You’re welcome Aris. Wishing you the best. Daniel
Hi Daniel, my heart just doesn’t know how to thank you enough, for sharing your knowledge so kindly, and in a very lucid way. Actually, I found your videos by “accident”. You seem such an elocuent soul, and it’s a real pleasure to hear you talk. I’ve been watching your content and I am really grateful it came across, so much that I wished you could know. Felt like someone heard me for the first time, like an old good friend. Today, I remembered my voice, because of you. Might seem odd from a stranger, but I haven’t seen a gem in a long long time, and without a doubt you are one of them. I hope life gives you back everything you’re sharing. Agustina
Thank you Agustina!
Daniel
Hi! Three people I know are interested in your book “breaking from your parents” but aren’t with English. Can I translate it for them?
Hi Beatrice,
Which language are they interested in? It is already translated into Italian, in case they are Italian speakers: https://www.amazon.com/Staccarsi-dai-propri-genitori-precedente-ebook/dp/B081B564SK
But it’s not presently translated into any other languages…
Daniel
Thank you so much!
Hi Daniel.
I love your videos and i willl make this quick, my brother has schizophrenia and I want to help him get off his medicine. What should I do? Thank you
Hi Bashir,
I did make a film on the subject: https://youtu.be/Q5EpnVdLvkU
But the main thing is that it all really has to be under the control of your brother. Does he want to come off his eds? Basically, I think he should do a lot of reading and studying of the subject himself. It’s good that you’re studying it too, but more important that he learns a LOT about it himself.
Here are two good resources for him/you: https://willhall.net/comingoffmeds/
https://www.theinnercompass.org/
Wishing you both the best!
Daniel
Hi, Could you leave a list of good etichal services and therapists available?
Hi Beatrice,
Unfortunately I don’t have such a list. I’m pretty much out of the loop in terms of good psychology or healing services available… Pretty much I advocate for self-therapy….
All the best to you!
Daniel
I have searched but cannot find anywhere you talk about repressed memories. I do believe I have some.
My doctor believes I have PTSD and wants me to go back to therapy. I don’t necessarily think I need to dredge every memory out of myself, but I am not getting better on my own. I feel a huge amount of something being held back like a volcano.
Can you provide links to any of your content in context of memory?
Hi Elizabeth,
How’s this? : https://youtu.be/BT3EnBODeUw
all the best,
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I’d like to think I’m becoming conscious. I’m learning how to heal my traumas and really feel my feelings, and it’s great, I feel great, I feel more of my self. But there’s an issue: I’m pretty young, in my first few years of college, and it’s difficult to get away from “abusers”, however mild they may be. It is extremely overwhelming at times. In addition, when I attempt to drift away or set boundaries, I am met with a lot of push back, and eventually being violated becomes the norm again, and I have to try all over again to gain that mutual respect. (I almost wish I had woken up a few years later than I did)
I wish to ask if you have any advice or wisdom in this subject. More specifically, how do I “surrender” to their game without breaking my own self respect? Or, do I just need to accept the suffering until I can become fully independent?
Hi Sean,
I’m not sure if I have specific advice, but maybe one or more of my self-therapy videos will resonate with you?
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a therapist early in my career and already questioning my career for many reasons. I have watched your “Why I Quit Being a Therapist” video many times, as I find your thoughts to be so validating.
I’m wondering if you have any advice to young therapists? What therapeutic approaches would you recommend training in?
I’m also wondering specifically what you think about Internal Family Systems and the whole idea of our minds being made of multiple parts.
Any of your thoughts would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi JV,
I created a playlist on my YouTube channel about my videos on psychotherapy, and I think a number of them might be quite useful to newer psychotherapists…
Here’s a link to it: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTiyUtDGwvzc9YjcM3K9sdMG
About IFS specifically, I’m copying this from a reply I write elsewhere about IFS:
I’ve been asked about IFS a lot and I just searched through comments on my Youtube channel and found three times I replied about it.
Here’s what I wrote:
1) IFS (from what I’ve seen) has a lot of overlap with my point of view, but I’m still not a fan of any school of therapy. But IFS certainly seems better than most!! Daniel
2) I know some things about IFS and I’ve met Dick Schwartz. I think there’s a lot of overlap between the IFS point of view and my own. I just am not a big fan of giving a new therapy school a label and a name. I was never much into the labels of any therapy schools.
3) From the bits and pieces I know I’d say IFS is pretty good. But I know some pretty bad (even disturbed) IFS therapists! In my experience, I focus less on the therapy school than the inner quality of the therapist.
All the best!
Daniel
Hi,
I was watching your video about the psychology of acting out, and you claimed that every form of acting out, such as bullying or any other behavior that can be traumatic, is a compensation for one’s past traumatic experiences.
Therefore, my question is: do you have any theory about how it all started? If everyone acts out because they were traumatized before, who started it? Does it naturally stem from evolution and the animal family system and was then spread?
Hi Gosia,
Well…I’d say it began with emotionally neglectful parenting, somewhere along the way…
But this subject is definitely worth a lot of thinking.
Maybe I’ll make a video about it.
Thanks!
Daniel
I would like to see you make a video or write a blogpost where you flesh out and try to explain concepts such as the different defense mechanisms (projection, projective identification, reaction formation, etc.), the repetition compulsion, what it means to be violated or abused as a child, etc. from your own perspective.
Alternatively, if you know of any other sources that explain these concepts to your satisfaction, I would like you to link them here.
Thanks a lot for your work !
Hi Prakash,
Hope this video I made helps: https://youtu.be/1HsBW1V5a48
And I talk a lot about the repetition compulsion in various videos…but I just can’t remember quite where…
Daniel
Hey Danial, Hope you’re doing well you lovely human.
I’ve been thinking about internal family systems (IFS). I’m not sure if you heard of it. I’d love to hear your take on it.
I would also love to hear your take on IFS Daniel!
Hi Julianna,
I’ve been asked about IFS a lot and I just searched through comments on my Youtube channel and found three times I replied about it.
Here’s what I wrote:
1). IFS (from what I’ve seen) has a lot of overlap with my point of view, but I’m still not a fan of any school of therapy. But IFS certainly seems better than most!! Daniel
2) I know some things about IFS and I’ve met Dick Schwartz. I think there’s a lot of overlap between the IFS point of view and my own. I just am not a big fan of giving a new therapy school a label and a name. I was never much into the labels of any therapy schools.
3) From the bits and pieces I know I’d say IFS is pretty good. But I know some pretty bad (even disturbed) IFS therapists! In my experience, I focus less on the therapy school than the inner quality of the therapist.
All the best!
Daniel
I would also love to hear your thoughts about IFS and the popularity it has gained in recent years.
Thanks!
Hello Daniel. Your videos really helping me. Make me awake about my past. Thank you so much for them.They are really life saving.Make me feel understood. But I have really big adult traumas.Big part of them are results of childhood traumas. Sometimes I get stuck with them and everything gets so messy. Everything gets so hard and complicated. Do you have any thoughts on this subject? Can you make an episode about traumas happened adultdhood result of the childhood traumas? Again thank you so much for your sharing and caring approach.Wish you the best.
Hi Daniel,
In some of your videos, you discuss in your role of as a therapist that you made sure to help your clients see what is happening in the relationship that is helpful and render yourself obsolete. I was wondering if you could make a video discussing on how you talk about and prepare your clients for self-therapy during therapy. Or just what you provide as guidelines for good therapeutic work with what you know now in your healing journey.
Regards,
Jonathan
Hello,
I have watched a lot of your videos and found yourideas interesting, though I wonder if they apply to me and my life. I would like to hear your thoughts on this, and advice you may have for me.
I do believe I have been harmed to some extent by my parents, especially by my mother, especially in childhood, but leading all the way up to right now (I am currently in my early, twenties).
This harm may have lead to me developing lying (to others and to myself; about things that happened to me or things that I did, typically to make myself ‘look better’/’seem like an innocent victim’, etc.), cheating, stealing, addictions(pornography, food bingeing, sleeping to avoid things, watching YouTube videos, including your own) and suicidality (pervasive and persistent suicidal ideation and some flimsy attempts since at least when I was in 11th grade and preparing for college entrance exams, but which began in around 9th grade)
but to say that I have been an entirely innocent little child is far from true. Today, I understand all the above vices in me as some or the other kind of defense, ‘protecting’ me from some other real or perceived threat, but harming me and others more in the process. But there have indeed been times when I realize I am doing the wrong thing (even if I don’t think there is some very serious threat I am defending myself from…. openly admitting to my parents that I spent excessive amounts of their money on buying 2 pizzas to binge on in a day will not kill me. if nothing, their anger upon hearing this is reasonable and ‘should help me be more accountable to myself and to them about the behaviors I engage in)
I am far from innocent. Sometimes I do feel that my parents really didn’t harm me as much as other people’s parents harmed them, because I still seem to keep some power in me, I still manipulate my parents (who, no matter how much I may dislike them, I have to respect, least because they are the ones supporting me financially at this point) and other people a lot….
I have committed crimes of my own (not going into details on this, except that i have never been convicted of anything but I do believe I have done some very wrong things to other people). I do paint myself innocent to myself by ignoring that I am not studying in suniversity, already have delayed my graduation by a year and am sending days addicted to youtube and food bingeing, and not applying for jobs and studying, all while fantasizing about committing suicide in various ways.
how do I reconcile these two things (I developed addiction as a dissociation tactic, to numb myself from intense negative emotions and I now don’t do any work at all, I just want to lie down and rot and keep eating pizzas or chocolates until my teeth rot, watch youtube until my brain is fried, all the while not thinking about who has to pay for this)
How do I moderate negative feelings, not go entirely on on end of ‘you are a manipulative, selfish, indulgent, degenerate, waste of a youth, do the world a favour and kill yourself, you deserve a life sentence or a death sentence’ followed by immersing back into the same addictions in the sense of ‘My name is Prakash and I am an alcoholic, so I shall drink till I black out tonight’, a kind of being harsh on myself but also keeping myself stuck in the addiction/dissociation (self-cruelty) and ‘you were harmed and have been stuck in a chronic giving up cycle that you didn’t realise for a while, and are still at a loss over how to break from it, you didn’t really realise why you were doing some of the things you were doing, and deep down you aren’t someone who wants to hurt others’ followed by immersing back into the same addictions (self complacency)…. how do I balance this complacency and this cruelty, both of which I believe are true….
How do I do all this while studying, applying for a job and learning the relevant skills ? related question, how do I grieve while working, studying, etc. ?
I think I am generally asking about how to be accountable to myself after years of lying to myself, generally being ‘shameless’ and not taking any responsibility….
——————————————-
I appreciate your advice and thank you for reading this far.
Regards,
Prakash
Hi Prakash,
I am in my early 20’s and also still financially dependent on my abusive parents (they pay for my college expenses, medical expenses, insurance, all of the “big” things- but i have started working this semester to slowly change this)
I could offer a few words of advice:
First, on addiction: Have you tried any 12 step fellowships? These are free, online and in-person communities for addictions, and they exist for technology, food, alcohol, and many other things. I was in a 12 step community for technology, and it really helped me move up in life. However, I think 12 step communities are also very close-minded and unwelcoming of individual thought, so be careful. They helped me break out of major addiction and isolation, but they will push the idea that you need to stay in the community forever in order to stay sober, but I disagree. All this beind said, they are an invaluable resource. There is also Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Parents, but I found it more frustrating than helpful. However, these things exist and are out there.
Second, you may have spent their money frivously, and avoided responsibility for your life in major ways. But that isn’t the same as suffering abuse at the hands of parents, who are people in power. You’ve caused harm to yourself and others, but that doesn’t make you worthless, evil, or hopeless. It doesn’t make you a bad person or an anomoly- It is normal. You are hurt, so you hurt others. However, you’re doing a miraculous thing by deciding to break out of these unhealthy patterns and learned behaviors and want more for yourself. That is admirable.
Trauma and suffering from abusive parents, in the past and present, naturally makes us self destructive and impairs our ability to handle life. I have struggled to regulate my emotions and not act out in various ways- I am just now becoming a relatively emotionally stable person, that doesn’t go crying to my ex or to the Internet in destructive ways when things are not going well. It takes time, you’re not alone, and you’re worth it- life is worth it.
Hi Riya,
Thanks for your reply. I take it you’re living in India too ?
honestly, I don’t even know if I want to or am trying to get better. I am simply avoiding doing work, sleeping on deadlines, and not studying, and I want to to die then because what else to do…. otherwise im watching youtube for 20hours a day and bingeing on junk poison food.
i havent tried 12 step programs. part of me does wonder if they will help. because no one can come to my room and make me do things, and without the healthier thing of study and applying for jobs to distract me, this idle mind will turn into a devils workshop of addictions. But I am avoiding doing work so ..
sometimes it even feels wrong to say my parent were abusive, because I too was oppositional, and rebellious, aggressive in my own right since childhood. maybe I harmed them just as much as they harmed me ?
even looking at daniel mackler’s youtube videos, Ifear that if he, in spite of all of his journey, is only partially healed from his traumas and has a job that not everyone can have (like this interesting mix of therapist, filmmaker, idk what he does now for living), then will I ever be able to work in this life ? you ether ave to be the first or the best to be successful. daniel and many others are already the first to talk about childhoood trauma and healing. i am sure I am not very likely to be the best.
what do I do.
idk. really feels like I should just .
this will ever be solved. how do I do it ? how do I keep in control, not avoid my feelings, etc?
Hey Daniel. I was wondering if you could do a video in regards to Trauma healing with Lyrics creation / Poetry? I’ve talked with my psychologist and she said that writing lyrics can help with recovery. I have been writing lyrics for a while for myself to have a place to ”complain” but when I started to write about my issues in regards to porn addiction after repeatedly doing the same mistake I broke down. It seems like putting things on paper / words does something to you.
Thanks for the idea! Wishing you the best.
Daniel
Daniel could you make a video about euthanasia for mental health conditions in places like canada? Best wishes.
Hi DJ,
Thanks for the idea!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Thank you for your generosity for making available your wonderful and extremely helpful website and youtube channel. There are few resources available of this high quality. Please keep going!!!
There are more resources for beginning and continuing for a while in healing than there are for persevering for 20-40 years and, hopefully, even finishing. Would you please consider making some videos or writing some writings specifically about subjects relating to advancing as far as possible or even finishing the self-therapy process?
You are now in the 25th year of your self-therapy process, is that correct? What are you doing now to heal more? Internally, is there anything you can share about what is happening in your self-therapy process during this year? Are you recovering more traumas? What are you feeling? What would a check-in be like for you? Is there anything different for you now than 5, 10, 15, or 20 years ago?
Would it be useful to make videos about these any of these subjects:
weekly, monthly, annual, decennial check-ins going forward
decennial recaps retrospectively:
1st decade
2nd decade
3rd decade so far
independent of such arbitrary time periods as years and decades, were there disctint phases for you, eg, first discovering healing? How would you characterize your current phase?
Do you know any people who are in their 4th decade of active self-therapy? This is possible now because the helpful resources began to be published in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Without revealing any confidential information, is there anything you can share about what they are doing to continue to heal? Are they (re-)discovering new old traumas [sic] still?
What are your thoughts looking forward, persevering until you finish self-therapy? What do you now think the rest of your process will be like?
Thank you,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for the ideas! I appreciate it and I’ll put it in my list of potential videos to make. Sending you warm greetings
Daniel
2 more occurred to me:
Do you find it helpful, in your current stage of healing, to periodically re-read Alice Miller’s books or any other books, articles, videos, etc.?
Do you know anybody whom you truly think has completed their self-therapy process? Is there anything that you could share about them that would be helpful to others?
Looking forward to your future videos!
Thank you, again.
Something about hearingof the self-therapy process as going for decades long spans of time makes me happy. Like life only getting better as we age. Thanks for bringing up the topic Ryan.
Hi Daniel,
In one of your videos from years ago, I remember you wanted to start a therapy school named “Institute for the Rare Soul”, but could not find people who really connected to their own healing process. As an intern clinician who shares many perspectives about healing and is critical about many aspects of psychiatry and psychotherapy with you, I wanted to know how you today relate to that name and the idea of such a school.
With the recent paradigm shift from transpersonal psychology, psychedelic therapy, and modern perspectives on healing trauma, focused on assisting people through their own individual healing journeys rather than being an expert, do you think such developments fit in to your school of therapy? I rather think so, as I see things such as Holotropic Breathwork, art therapy, and carefully used psychedelic therapy have the ability to help individuals understand who they really are, what they’ve been through, and who they would like to be, and start/further engage them in their own healing journeys.
BTW, your ahayausca video was immensly insightful. I have seen the parental rescue fantasy take the form of trying to take psychedelics as a cure. But, I think in a really healthy therapuetic relationship, when one is already engaging with their healing process, I see it as a powerful adjunct to one’s healing journey, as its really a representative of your psychological processes, experiences, and beliefs. What comes up can be faced without dissociation and processed, with some amazingly good results from research. Its in that context that I ask the above question.
Warm Regards,
Jonathan
Hello Daniel,
Thank you for being brave and giving others the power to be. I would like to bring the subject of domestic violence and why it is so common for women? It actually happened to me and is still happening. How do we forgive ourselves for letting someone treat us like that?
I know you are getting a lot of questions but I would greatly appreciate your answer,
Take care ❤️
I am not Daniel, but I thought to reply to you here as a person who knows what you are talking about (and a woman). I have also been in abusive relationships – and have recently been discharged / let go / discarded by my abuser. I think it is a repetition compulsion – trying to understand childhood trauma. I was not physically abused as a child, but I was raised by two fairly narcissistic parents, and I basically had no emotional connection to my father, who was emotionally shut down. So I think I am attracted to abusers because they mirror the dynamic from my childhood – I am trying to get close to a messed up person, a person who’s not really emotionally available. I keep on banging on his window but he’s so traumatised by his own childhood trauma that it’s like he’s not even there. And when my banging starts getting too much he starts becoming abusive to protect himself from my attempts to break down his defensive walls.
Because that’s the emotional patterning I had for 20 years in my family of origin, I believe that’s the reason why I am attracted to abusers, and when they start abusing me, I don’t leave, I try and fix them through my love. Which doesn’t work. I think the only the that can work for us is healing ourselves so we are no longer attracted to this kind of relational dynamic.
So, that’s my understanding.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the book “Why does he do that? In the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft, but I think it answers those questions fairly well. Spoiler alert: it has to do with societal norms and lack of acknowledgment of abuse and the entitlement that stands behind it. (Instead, society largely excuses abuse, so do therapists.) Another great book is “The gift of fear” by Gavin de Becker. It is not about abuse but it illustrates how we, especially women, have been conditioned to not trust our gut and instead give people the benefit of the doubt, basically gaslight ourselves. But this book doesn’t even use the term “gaslight”, I believe, as it’s too old. (Meaning it has nothing to do with the current trend of labelling everyone narcissistic.)
Hi Daniel,
I just wanted to quickly thank you for what you do. I stumbled upon your youtube channel in a moment when I really needed it.
I have been in an uphill battle for as long as I remember and I’m still trying to figure out myself. But this is the first time anything could help me connect the dots that I have so far. Gave me new questions to ask myself to find answers I didn’t know were within me.
Journaling always confused me before, but I might try my hand at it again with a different perspective.
Anyway, thank you very much for sharing your points of view. Really helped me to figure out some things and pay attention to the real-me that had been buried for a very very long time.
Hi Daniel, I’ve been following your work over the pandemic and your channel is in alignment with my values. I wanted to let you know that my mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a decade ago, which turned my life upside down for the ten years and led me to my passion for mental health and healing work. Today, she’s healed herself holistically with my support and not big pharma. It was her soul journey that I had to detach from, the co-dependency. I read somewhere that schizophrenia is just unresolved childhood memories and it feels as if her soul knew what it needed to do, without the help of the community mental health system which does not cure people. Thank you for all of your videos, your channel gave me hope in very dark times.
Thank you!
Hello Daniel.
A year ago you made a video on politics and how it relates to unresolved childhood trauma. You analyzed this relation using two examples of actual politicians, and I couldn’t agree more with this analysis. But I think this goes beyond the people in position of some kind of political power, this also strongly relates to regular people, who are obsessed with politics, which to be honest – are a big chunk of population now.
Politics is an amazing tool for immature people to not look within self and to delegate any problem or discomfort they have to external factors. They might say that their life is miserable due to the fact that the politician X is in power right now, instead of their preferred politician Y.
This may be anecdotal, but each and every time I conversed with people that were deeply invested in following politics, they seemed reaaaally uncomfortable when I mentioned anything that may touch the subject of the importance of understanding own feelings, emotions and studying own family system. The path of the discussion pretty much always was quickly steered into a shallow political issue.
This observation is interesting to me, since it almost checks out every time, and the fact that the world has been infested with a plague of politics, meaning pretty much every thing is forcefully attached to politics in some way, this is a good indicator of how screwed the whole society might be.
Greetings from Poland,
Bartosz
Thank you!
Hello Daniel,
I was wondering if you have ever heard of the term “the identified patient”? It’s like a psychological scapegoat within a family system. It would be great to hear your insight on this.
Hi Aris,
I also think it is a good concept. I think I’ve mentioned it in some of my videos over the years, though I can’t remember. I definitely used that term and that concept in my work as a therapist. I think it is very relevant. Daniel
Thank you Daniel!
Hi Daniel,
What are your thoughts on bipolar disorder?
Best,
K
I actually made a video on the subject:
Critique of Bipolar Disorder — Thoughts from a Former Psychotherapist
https://youtu.be/KmnncunImXc
Hey Daniel,
Have you ever read “The Art of Loving” by Eric Fromm?
(Personally it’s the book that in retrospect jumpstarted my healing journey)
haven’t read it in a long while but i remember that there are some good things in it
Also, as a little bit of trivia, the author married Frieda Reichmann who was a therapist of one of your interviewees in your movie “Take these broken wings”.
Hi Roman,
I did read it years ago. I found it interesting. I also wrote a long article about Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, almost 20 years ago, and it’s on this website: https://wildtruth.net/frieda-fromm-reichmann/
The sad thing that I found is it actually she was Erich Fromm’s therapist, so basically she molested her own patient… Very sad.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Finally got around to reading the whole article and it was eye opening to say the least.
Not just the abuse of power and molestation of Erich Fromm, but that in general i found many similarities between her and my mother. On its own the comparison gives some hope and clarity for healing grief.
So thank you.
Roman.