My name is Daniel Mackler and I am a musician, filmmaker, Youtuber, and writer based in New York. I also worked for ten years as a psychotherapist in New York, though I ended my therapy practice in 2010. My creative work focuses on the destruction of our natural environment and the causes, consequences, and significance of childhood trauma. I see childhood trauma as r
anging from the extreme, which is common, to the mild, which is so much more common that few even notice it at all, much less call it by its proper name. I view the norm in our culture as being highly traumatized and I view the average, and even above-average, childhood as being extremely traumatic – and the average parent as lacking both awareness of this and deep empathy for the child.
I see our world growing more pathological, confused, polluted, overpopulated, and disturbed by the day – and I feel that to stand by and say nothing while we destroy our planet is, at the least, irresponsible. Yet I write with great hope – both for individual healing and for the collective healing of our world. I seek to offer a new perspective – on relationships, on manifesting the best of ourselves, on the potential value of celibacy, on parenting, on the pathology of the family system, and on the future of our species.
Of note: I recently made a page for older comments from this welcome page to my website, because the hundreds or perhaps thousands of comments were making this page terribly slow to open!! Also, if you do leave a comment, please consider this: 1) If you type in your full name, it will show up on search engines, so if that concerns you, please only use your first name or use a pseudonym. 2) I don’t always have the time or energy to reply to comments, especially if they are very long. I love your comments, I read them all, and I wish I had more time and energy than I do!! And I wish you all the best!!! Thank you, everyone!!! –Daniel
Dear sir Daniel.
I appreciate your work and especially how you hit the nail every time. Although sometimes I don’t agree with some of your points, I can see your honesty and deep concern on topics especially regarding to family issues. Thank you so much.
And with that, I just wanna open up here that I really wish I had broken away from my family back in 2018. Now, I’m regretting how I stayed and got stuck with no degree because I gave up on it, no job because I’m not qualified to high standards, and sadly no hope because of my degenerating sanity. Is it too late for me? Is “If you’re down on the bottom, the only way is up” true? I really hope that rock bottom points upwards. I wanna break away not only from my toxic family system and degenerate society system but also from my own darkness, my own nihilism, and my own self-destruction. I just don’t want to not only desire it anymore but also actualize it. I wanna unbecome “no longer human” and become fully human.
P.S. No Longer Human is a Japanese novel by Osamu Dazai, it actually means being disqualified as a human being. I actually relate to it a lot so I referenced it.
hey man,
been watching your videos for about a year to two years. I just want to say id love to be your friend (haha), and that if you’re ever in Austin you should hit me up to find something cool to do. im a 31 year old dude with a normal job and a few interesting past experiences myself. pretty basic beyond that, but I can’t help but have the thought that “I’d love to know this guy in real life” increasingly when I come across your videos these days. thats all. hope all is well dude.
josh
just wanna say that about half way through your vid titled “My Mother Liked Me Better When I Was Sick”, I realized you hit the nail on the head. I love the personal expose and accounting of the Oediaple complex.
I just want to day kudos for figuring this out. it can be one of the most difficult and monumental challenges in life to deeply understand our relationship with parents.
Hi Daniel,
I recently found your videos on YouTube and I appreciate your work. I have been in the mental health field for almost 10 years now, as a case manager and therapist, and I have wanted to leave the field for a few years. It really never felt genuine or helpful to work in the field as it is and community mental health has drained me. I feel I could be much more helpful to society by just being in community with people and nature. I’m still searching and reflecting on who I am outside the helping profession, as its been hard to get jobs in other careers fields. The state of the world sits on my shoulders and fills my mind constantly, though I know I am not alone in that. I feel stuck in every way, and am trying to draw inspiration from your path. Thank you for doing what you do.
Hello Daniel,
My son is 19 and has austism , he is high functioning, but after covid something happened , he was verbally abused in high school, he stopped going. He then just did not come out of his room, he isolated himself. Last year the docs recommened an antipsychotic med, 3 months into the med he began to talk to himself, i weaned him off the meds. He is with no meds since nov 2024. He is still in “psychosis” as his therapist says. He talks to himself and says many things that dont make any sense. He is not able to go out on his own or even to the store. I dont want to have him on meds and am just lost. I saw your video about how in Africa they cured psychosis naturally with community. I dont know how to help my son. I dont want to just give him meds. I dont know how to figure out whats wrong.
I am so sorry for jumping in. I know very little, but it sounds like a challenging situation. if he is isolating to the point of self-deterioration, and If he were my son, I might consider removing the door to his personal space…
I just read the desperation and actually thought for about 1 minute about what I might consider doing, and so please forgive me if this is out of bounds or unhelpful or even an unrespectful comment in regards to your son’s right to privacy and such.
I wanted to reach out to you because I don’t think I can come off psychiatric medication and live my life as myself. I feel like my whole life is being set up or constructed for somebody else including my educational path and whether I work or not or have any hobbies or interests or not, and I don’t know what to do. I wish you were my friend and that I had friends like you to reach out and talk to. No one can help me work through this.
Hi Sarah.
Here are two websites by people who both came off psychiatric drugs, and support others to do so. I think they both charge money, some money at least, but they’re both legitimate people. I am wishing you the best.
Daniel.
https://www.theinnercompass.org/people/laura-delano
https://www.angiepeacock.com
Do you know of the YouTuber named TheraminTrees? He’s a licensed therapist that makes animations (and the music in them) about abuse, trauma, (religious) dogma and similar subjects. I’ve found your videos and his to be similar in nature.
Thank you, genuinely, for doing what you do! It’s nice to know there’s people out there with an open ear and a big heart.
Makes you feel less alone.
Thanks for the recommendation about the YouTuber you mentioned. I haven’t heard of him before. Warm greetings to you, and to all who comment here!
Daniel.
Hey Daniel!
Hope you are doing great, and I have to say that your videos helped me a lot in growing as a person, understanding myself and breaking up from my parents.
In the last few weeks, I watched a comedy TV series about therapists getting involved in their patients’ lives. It’s called Shrinking. It made me remember of your critique to the therapy system in your video “why I quit being a therapist”.
I think this series could be a great subject for a video. Would love to hear your thoughts about it!
Your fan from Brazil,
Viny
Hi Daniel,
I randomly thought of a question I have for you so I thought I might leave it here in case you want to answer.
Here it is: If you could make the whole world watch one of your videos and truly understand it, which one would you choose?
Hi Naami,
Hmmm…maybe my video on parental rescue fantasy?
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’ve recently been enjoying your videos very much, I appreciate your perspective on many topics. I was wondering if you’d be interested in making a video about dissociation and its many forms, particularly the more physical sensations it can cause (e.g. numbness, feeling apart from your body, etc.).
I’ve been struggling with my mental health for as long as I can remember, but intense dissociation is something that is relatively new to me and it can be very alarming, especially as I find it difficult to understand.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and I am thankful for all the videos you share, they’ve been majorly helpful to me.
Victor
Hi Daniel, I just discovered your channel and I feel deeply seen and understood. I am 20 year old girl from a third world country and I am very much like you. I often feel’ and to be honest with myself, I KNOW, there is no hope for me and that I should take my own life. Do you ever feel that way? How do you deal with it? As a public figure I doubt you can answer this with complete honesty and I completely understand but do you think there is any value in living?
It is really hard having to constantly guide myself through life without any external support whatsoever and I am completely exhausted. Gen Z particularly has such unique and unfortunate challenges. Coming across your channel has provided a lot of much needed hope and comfort. Thank you so much for what you do.
Hi Rexx,
Greetings. Well, I certainly hope you don’t kill yourself!!!!!!
Me, I have been suicidal a couple times, but nothing that serious because for me it passed after a few days.
I do think there is great value in living — it is the basic value we have, our basic opportunity. Of course, life is awful and horrible sometimes, and sometimes for a long time, but I think then it is our job to find a way OUT of the horribleness, to figure out how to create something better. I know this can seem impossible, but I know in my case it has been possible. I was miserable for so long…… It is not an easy journey. I’ve seen this with so many people.
Also, in case you missed my videos on suicide, here are some links:
1) https://youtu.be/wxv47PhcKLQ
2) https://youtu.be/w3CV9GGcE3s
3) https://youtu.be/wkf7n0Wdy7k
Maybe these will be of use to you??
Meanwhile, I’m really wishing you the best!!! I believe that even though hope can seem VERY VERY far away, it is always there, somehow…
Daniel
I appreciate your honesty and HOPE that as you continue the journey within that you see that YOU are on the right path and “renounce the peoples of the earth” because one must trust in the Creator and not others.
Hello, Daniel! Would you please consider doing some videos on these topics?
– Over the long term, what life changes made the biggest impact on your healing process? For example, safety, support, health promotion, dedicating life-time, saving money.
– In the later years of your healing process, did you learn anything new about how to heal that enabled you to improve your healing process even at the later stages?
– As a result of many years of healing, were there life improvements that you became able to make which in turn benefited your healing process? For example, finding people who treat you even better and encourage you even more, re-reading the literature and discovering new material, finding employment that combines better with your healing process.
Thank you,
Ryan
Hi Daniel,
Recently I’ve been thinking about parentification. I think parentification is one of the polarised trauma responses to having really awful parents, with the opposing response being looking for parental replacements indiscriminately. This is a polarisation that I see everywhere. I think parentification creates private resentment, hatred and distrust of the people they have been shoehorned into looking after, and for good reason. Meanwhile those who search for parental figures everywhere act out a lot and take and take and take from others, searching for love everywhere.
I am the type to search for parental figures – I think a lot of your audience, deep down, are in such pain that we are like this. But I want to heal – and to do that is to reach out and grow enough to meet people like you in the middle, people who have shouldered so much responsibility, who have gone through so much pain to take care of people in their family, then society, then the world, to the point of dissociation (I have discovered that emotionally overwhelming parentification may often be the cause of a lot of dissociation, withdrawal even autism like symptoms and even disease after a rare weird role reversal with my brother in my family). I think perhaps then, as I grow, as I take less and less, and the burden on the shoulders of people like you lessens, this split can heal. My brother, parentified, hurts when he sees me hurt. I hurt when I see him hurt. I don’t want that anymore. It’s so difficult to heal and grow in this fucked up world, and I think that’s why so many families fall apart and people literally die. But we all can heal. EVERYONE can heal. If I can, even just a little and not fully, then I think EVERYONE can. It’s the only way to stop this hurt, I think. I have gifts and contributions from my end too, I can see a bit more of it now. To stop the parentification of some, and the perpetual infantilisation of others. Mirroring and trust between EVERYBODY can finally grow after the clouds of parentified horror lessens. So it’s so many people’s jobs to grow, and it’s no wonder everyone is spontaneously from such a visceral place urging others to grow. This split is unfair on both sides. It’s like a huge earthquake in the ground. I want to be able to heal. I have a long way to go. But people like you inspire me. People like you are like birds to me, and I too want to fly. I want to heal. I want to stop acting out. I want to heal. Maybe a part of me is reaching a bit too much with these words, and obviously things are day by day. But I will die trying. And I hope this can finally, from my end, lessen the burdens of people like you too, as I begin to trust my instincts and know how to regenerate from my wounds on my own.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all that you do. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t need to. I see people like you, healthier visionary people, going to drugs and being in such pain because they are so disappointed by the world, by needing to drag it forward with blood sweat tears patience and tons of dissociation in order to just hope and survive. My brother doesn’t do drugs but I know he hurts a lot. I want to reach people like you. I think lots of us are drawn to you, in all manners of ways, because despite what pain and traumas we are mired in, some little non-verbal, ancient, foundational, human part of us still has a longing for goodness and hope, to be healed and to be drawn to you to one day REACH people like you. That way, the cloud of the pain of having to shoulder so much responsibility and burden to heal those you care about… Humanity, in general…. Can lift. No one should shoulder so much on their own. Maybe that’s why those like me on some unconscious level can sense it, and we’re so desperate to heal. We sense it and our shame grows more because we know this is untenable and we hate ourselves. But we have to grow to reach across the divide, the void. I hope this makes sense. No one deserves to be mother or father that needs to be a meatshield against the gravity and bullets of this crazy world when they never wanted it. No one deserves to be a starved hungry deliriously wounded child. I think in all of us we have experienced both, leaning to one side or the other more. I am repeating myself.
But thank you. And I hope through this I can give back, finally, a little scintilla of hope the way you have given us hope in droves.
I know I’m still making a ton of mistakes in my healing journey. I’m still real fucked up. But the fact that I’ve gotten here to finally be a bit more responsive and giving to others, despite the backdrop of my still fucked up grieving painful struggling life, means I know something is working, some tiny tiny tiny part of me is working again. So thank you, thank you for people like you, for helping people like me. I hope you don’t think of this as too much projection and too much responsibility but you are the birds in the sky that give hope. You don’t need to actively do much, your existence is role modelling enough. I’ve also found distant allies in music, along with figures like you. I think many of us in your audience do. I’m gonna heal myself or die trying. I’m going to make amends or die trying. I think in my psyche I still look to you a little as a parental figure, I’d admit that, so perhaps that’s why I am telling you this, but also, I wish this gives you a little hope from a random commenter, even if it’s from a person who’s still very much trying to get her life together.
– Mary
Hmmm. Thinking back on this –
I think it’s best to mirror, relate, make a password, then keep it hush hush.
A lil shared pocket. No need to settle down and cut ourselves apart.
Then quiet fire, patting pockets as we go about our day.
– Mary
Hi Daniel,
I adore your perspectives on life. Why do you wear the same shirt in every video?
With love,
T
Hi T,
Thanks for your kind words. About that shirt… Well, my answer is more or less threefold:
1) laziness 🙂
2) it’s not really important to me (I’m not particularly promoting anything fashionable)
3) it’s a sort of uniform — that is, not particularly my focus
But one other thing (my more thought-out answer): I get into a real zone in the mornings when I start preparing to record my videos. It’s a mental zone of concentration on my ideas, so that I can make a cogent, focused, spontaneously expressed video that will require minimal or no editing. That’s my goal… And I don’t want anything that will distract me from that internal mission. So having a simple uniform-like wardrobe makes it easier for me to put my focus inward. Basically I’m removing an external variable.
Also, I like the way my clip-on camera mic attaches to my shirt’s collar…
Hopefully that answers your question. A little long-winded on my part, but it’s almost bedtime for me!!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I love your content. I was diagnosed ‘bipolar type 1’ two decades ago and have survived hospitals, doctors, poisonous pills etc. I withdrew from everything including Seroquel which was HELL. I am fully well and have not taken ANY meds for four years. I will NEVER take one again. Anyway, this ‘disorder’ is survivable and reversible and I just wanted to put that here to give people hope. It is so often the highly emotionally intelligent that suffer but it’s about turning emotional IQ into a gift through psychotherapy and deep introspection NOT pills!!!! I blog about my journey if anyone is interested it’s at http://www.dyingtostayalive.com one day I hope to produce a comprehensive guide ‘How to reverse and escape from bipolar disorder’ – Step 1 leave the system that is making you WORSE!! Ha. Thank you for your content! Tom
Hi Daniel,
I am a 21 year old from Australia, I just wanted to let you know I have been watching your videos religiously since I have been 14, and they have helped me understand myself and accept myself and my life so much. They have truly inspired me to think I have so much potential and strength ahead of me. You have given me a puzzle piece of how I wish to be in the future with your bravery and truth.
I just wanted to write and show you some support, please never be afraid to put out these videos, they are helping so many and healing the world one bit at a time.
Thank you Naomi.
I’m wishing you the best on this wild and difficult journey called life!!
Daniel
Thank you Daniel, I wish the same to you! 🙂
Hey Daniel,
Ever since I found your channel 1.5 years ago, you’ve been a great influence in my life. I used to watch your videos for comfort. Now I don’t do that but I still get excited every time you post a new video and rush to watch it.
I feel the emotional barrier I feel towards your videos that I developed overtime might be related to how I interpret your videos as a pursuit of perfection. You had a video on perfectionism and impossible standards and how they are rooted in childhood truama. Still I feel your videos foster in me a continuous pursuit of being a good person. Constantly looking out for patterns and things I might be doing wrong. I think maybe we’re not supposed to be 100% good. Like maybe being human is inherently flawed regardless of childhood truama. And maybe not every flaw in me is because of what I’ve been through. Maybe we’re not inherently good.
It’s scary how things shift. I find myself considering points of view that a while ago I absolutely despised. I feel like you don’t have that in your videos. Your videos are very consistent. Following the same trajectory. Which I don’t know is a good thing or not. I don’t know a lot of things.
I think it’s weird that you’re a famous guy on YouTube. To me you represent a force in my life. I guess that’s what being a fan means. I’m truly a fan.
I have had a very anxious existence lately. I remember your lyrics about finding yourself and also paying the bills. “If that’s not just the struggle of life then I don’t know what is”. Sometimes being in my head is exhausting. Like never ending discomfort. My sleep is anxious too sometimes. I dream every day. I wake up anxious trying to remember the dream and anxious when I write it. The passage of time is very anxiety inducing. Sometimes I feel like I’m not in control of my time. I don’t know who is in control but whoever is is also unhappy.
I think writing this is calming. It feels like talking to you. But let me also suggest a video idea. I find that the morning time is when I’m usually more anxious and confused about life and also just don’t want to wake up. What do you think about morning anxiety?
Hi Daniel,
From time to time i have a good memory of (mainly) one of my parents during my childhood, yet still it’s quite painful and i cry and grief. i’m not entirely sure why, since on the surface of it there isn’t anything bad or explicit trauma in that experience.
Do you have any insight on this? Like maybe it also brings up the contrast to the abuse? or maybe it’s intertwined with the rescue fantasies? which on their own also tied to grief of the abuse?
Best wishes,
Roman.
Hi Daniel.
I just wanted to show you my deepest appreciation for your YouTube uploads. I will be exploring your website and having a look over all you’ve got on here, it looks awesome!
There was one video that you uploaded where you spoke about your struggles with being open online, and I am incredibly grateful for you uploading and speaking on that, as I personally don’t feel safe enough to do that. Thank you for being so real and being a voice for me and so many others!
My kindest regards,
Josh 🙂
Hi Daniel. Hope you’re doing well. Watch all your videos and love your insights. I was wondering if you could make a video about the mental health exam and what certain things mean on it so people can see what the dr is saying about them. I was also wondering if drs hide thjngs or conditions from people on the mental health exam in case clients get a copy of their health records. Also if you could do a video on schizod and schizotypical. I don’t believe in personality disorders. I think that everything is from trauma in mental health and some traumas affect people differently and the severity and I agree with you that if someone says they didn’t have trauma than they are denying they did. If you ever get a chance a video on the effects of what being locked up alone in a room can do to someone on a mental health floor alone for days and the trauma of the hospital and how to recover a and the shunning of society on people who don’t fit in with the norms and standards it’s a form of torture. Thank you for all
Your videos I find them so helpful
Hi Daniel,
I’m currently listening to your videos “Sexual Abuse of Sons by Mothers.”
I’m dating and living with a 30 year old man, and in the past year of our relationship, events with his mother have transpired (her verbally abusing and threatening me, being incredibly jealous of our relationship, and continuously trying to break us up) that have caused him to go no contact with her, and reevaluate his too-close-for-comfort relationship with her since childhood.
He has realized that his mother was abusive, and their relationship was enmeshed. The majority of her abuse was of a sexual nature – physically/emotionally in his childhood, and verbally/emotionally in his adult life, and he is really struggling to accept that. His childhood is mostly repressed memories, but from what he has told me about what he can remember, there was overt physical and emotional sexual abuse over many years.
He has started therapy, but he struggles with being honest with his therapist about what actually happened in his childhood. I’m the only person he really talks to about it, but he quickly shuts down. He is normally a very loving, fun, and caring boyfriend, but he’s been having almost constant meltdowns where he gets incredibly angry, defensive of his mother, and even suicidal. He takes a LOT of this out on me.
How can I help him? I’ve been in therapy for 15 years and studied psychology, but I’m not even close to being equipped to deal with this. I want to help him find a path to healing, but he’s so deep in his trauma and I’m scared for him and myself.
What do I do?
Hi Elise,
Ah — this sounds very difficult. I’m not sure what to say — that is, I’m not sure what you can do…. (I’m also very hesitant to give advice.) I do know that it is basically impossible to get someone to grow and accept the realities of their childhood at a faster pace than they are ready…
Meanwhile, I send you best wishes!
Daniel
Hi Daniel! I so deeply value your work—there is no one out there telling the truth like you do. I resonate with so much of your story, and I was in very serious denial about it for even longer. Unlike you, I let that denial cloud my academic judgment and I spent many years not just denying my trauma but that of others as well. I deeply regret it and I’m trying to do my best to correct that now. I would love to invite you for a conversation on my (very small but mighty) podcast to talk about whatever you like and potentially reach people who wouldn’t otherwise necessarily encounter this kind of message. I’ll put my email in the form if you would be at all interested in connecting. In any case, thank you so much for what you do for the world.
Thanks Jen!!
-Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was recently turned down by a girl for whom I have immensely deep feelings. I have never felt so sad, frustrated, vulnerable, and unfulfilled in my life, and I am really struggling to cope with this situation.
I have been in love with this person for months, and I can’t stop thinking about her. She and I were somewhat close to each other, and I am incredibly hurt about her not reciprocating my feelings and about her not showing any meaningful reaction to an intimate love letter I wrote to ask her to reconsider her first rejection. The eleven days I spent trying to convince her to give me a chance were a roller coaster of crippling anxiety and sorrow.
My mind cannot process why I am not worthy of a chance, and a part of me does not want to accept the situation and is hanging onto the unrealizable hope that she change her mind, or that I, notwithstanding the need to respect her boundaries, could still make her change her mind. Also, I feel I cannot get rid of these feelings because doing so would feel like a negation of my true self, like Winston Smith after being brainwashed by the Ministry of Love.
Since many of your videos have prompted me to start much needed introspective reflection on different aspects of my emotional sphere, I was wondering: is there a chance that you might make one about rejection and unrequited love? Or that you could maybe just give me advice on how to deal with this incredibly hard situation? Thank you, M.C.
P.S. I tried to post this comment several times, I wonder why moderators were not approving it.
Hi M.C.,
Greetings! I’m just moderating comments now, because I was traveling largely off-grid. I appreciate the idea for a video. I’ll think on it!
Meanwhile, one things I’ve learned (from both sides of the coin) is that people can’t control who they have romantic feelings for — and no one can make anyone have romantic feelings for another…. It’s just one of those mysteries of life….
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hello daniel,
I just wanted to write a review here on the you’re book « breaking from your parents » because for some amazon rules couldn’t leave a comment but if i could 5 stars immediately and 5 stars for all your youtube videos honestly you are the few people on the internet who woke me up and validated how traumatized i was by my parents and family of origin i grew very isolated screwd up alone (still very lonely in a lot of ways ) but your ideas gave me hope I WASN’T crazy all this time i was a truth teller if you could call me that and thanks to you i managed to do my first grievings of my childhood wounds and guess you were right COMPLETELY healed my depression and so called « autism » i supposedly had i won’t go to long but thank you i watch and comment your videos and they give me strength hope to continue my journey heal and ofcourse thrive stay alive and have fun (when i can ofcourse)
Thank you daniel hopefully you see this
Elliott
Thank you Elliott!
Daniel
Thanks so much for replying i just wondered on something when i was a kid and through a lot of my teen years also (i’m 20 going on 21) i used to daydream a lot even to the point that it caused problems i was thinking that with what i know now that it was just a prime defense mechanism like dissociation to create a fantasy world in my mind and actually i never journaled it but i remember that a lot of my daydreaming was about having a perfect Loving family so my question is , does a child who daydreams a lot is a huge giving to whether he or she is being abbused and traumatized by his or hers family of origin ?
What are the things you did which help you to happen the grief crying?did you journal?
How long you had the depression?
How was your grieving experience?
How your life changed after your first grieving?
Do you have any social media accounts to connect?
Faisal
From India
Hi Mr. Mackler,
I would like to thank you for “Why I Don’t Recommend Forgiveness” video it’s what drawn me into your channel. It’s such an inspirational video that I play occasionally to remind myself that I shouldn’t forgive. This video was a wakeup call for me because I was planning to forget and let go because all that anger was driving me insane, but I should hold on to that anger and embrace it, it’s the only thing I have.
All and all, I’ll be seeing more of your videos and here’s a phrase from your video that I enjoy:
“When you’re not allowed to feel your own feelings. You have no choice but to push it down, to split off from yourself.”
Thank you Rem!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I want to ask if you have any thoughts about misophonia.
Certainly misophonia is tied to trauma: the sensory triggers I experienced, especially as a teenager, caused a particular kind of sensory trauma which accumulated over time making the disorder worse and worse. I believe this is typical of many people with severe misophonia. While I appreciate your insights about OCD (and many other disorders) stemming from childhood trauma rather than being neurological in origin, I do believe that misophonia is neurological in origin, and so despite making serious efforts to heal my traumas I don’t have much hope that I can heal this disorder entirely.
Wondering if you have any experience with this topic, thanks.
Hi Ben,
Hmm, I can’t say I’ve thought much about the subject of misophonia… So unfortunately I don’t have much to say!
But I am wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hey ben
I king of relate to what you say before healing any of my traumas i used to be very sensitive to certain sounds and was very hyperviligant whenever an ambulance would go by i didn’t know it had a names but thanks to you now i know àd it’s funny cause my personal grievings process did absolve a lot of this and i almost don’t get triggered by any sounds even lound surprising ones of course this is personal experience so might not get you enough value but hopefully grieving your wounds and traumas from childhood will help like it did for
Wishing you the best on your healing path
Elliott
Hi Daniel . Do you think you can do a video on abuse in relationships and how that stems from trauma . A lot of the time I find it hard to navigate healthy boundaries and over controlling partners. I’m a 18 year old woman and find myself on either side of the abuse. Between feeling controlled / held down, or now having a desire to control my (new and not guilty ) partner . I don’t know why I feel now the push to do this, after hating my life while controlled . But it’s as if all the anxieties of my past partner are now in my new relationship and I’m playing it out . Worries about old flames or desire outside of the relationship. That’s not who I am, who I was. I’ve changed into someone much more insecure than I was previously . I would just like some wisdom on how trauma may be causing this or what I’m missing. What is a healthy amount of control in this day and age of porn , social media , and promiscuity at large ? Is any amount of control healthy ? How do you communicate boundaries without forcing the other person? Is their room for sexual media in committed relationships ? What part of this desire to control is irrational? And most importantly how do I control myself from pushing away an entirely innocent party?
I recently watched your video in the three types of anger and it reminded me of myself a lot . And how it’s hard for me to express anger without letting out my past onto the person. As someone new to life it’s hard to navigate
Thank you for the idea Maddelyn.
I appreciate it.
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Excellent analysis of the “sex positive” movement Daniel. I agree with your points about accurate sex ed as well as exploring the underlying reasons for certain sexual behaviors and wishes.
There’s a rather cultish energy around the sex positive movement which in itself is disconcerting: zero tolerance for questions or nuance.
Les Carter posted about healthy/unhealthy sexuality. https://youtu.be/FcNjo2mfgkU?si=Hmvxv0bAx3TzRAha He mentioned narcissists specifically but I believe most adults have never experienced safe loving sex with good boundaries from a kind loyal partner.
Another problem I’ve noted is a current fixation on the legality of sexual behaviors. Yes, we should not engage in sexual crimes but men and women *also* need to ask is this the right thing to do…is this safe and healthy?
A disturbing number of adults defend choking during sex including many in the Psych field: “no kink shaming!” I read that the prevalence of choking scenes in porn has led many teen boys to assume it is normal to choke their gfs during sex.
Extreme notions seem to dominate the discussion. OnlyFans culture and religious dogma re: sex are equally harmful and deranged. There is a huge space between the two which appears largely ignored.
Thanks again for addressing this topic Daniel!
Hey Daniel, im fully aware that psychiatric medication is poison, but i was forced on it for a year and was afraid to leave the state and afraid to come off of the drug cold turkey.
I’m not on the medication anymore, but i wonder what you might say to someone who’s had to suffer the consequences of this.
What do i need to greive?
And i still truly capable of love and happiness?
Hi Eleanor,
I made a whole film called “Coming off psych drugs.” https://youtu.be/Q5EpnVdLvkU
I’m not sure if you saw it, but it touches on the things you bring up.
Basically, in my opinion a lot about being on psych drugs and coming off them is actually chemical, not so much emotional, though emotional is a component of some of it at times, for sure!!
I think healing from psych drugs can take a LONG time — and everyone is different. There’s a lot of good info on the web about healing from psych drug harm. Angela Peacock is someone who’s work on coming off psych drugs I respect a lot: https://www.angiepeacock.com
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
How are you? Regarding the latest video on curiousity, can you share your questions about religions that religious people were threatened by or unwilling to give an answer?
Respectfully,
Curious Soul
Hi Daniel,
I’ve started going to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families) and recently re-watched your video about how you became a therapist and i feel a lot of similarities. ACA seems quite similar to Al-Anon as you’ve described, mainly, and the most interesting part, that people share from their experiences and struggles.
i found myself so fascinated listening to other people’s sharing of problems and touching of trauma’s and how their life’s affected. People from such different backgrounds yet emotionally so similar at times. This experience got me wondering if i should consider becoming a therapist myself. Which is why i decided to rewatch your video and i feel similarly about being an active listener.
also, i started to wonder what qualities and strengths a therapist should really have to be a good one. Other than being a good listener, what comes up for me is really caring for and loving the people that i’d try to help, having some internal strength and life experience, and in general emotional growth on a decent enough level. and this last bit is the first thing that makes me doubt myself since i have more problems and traumas to resolve and grieve.
But the bigger thing that concerns me, which is the main reason i’m writing this, is the fear i’m approaching the idea from not the healthiest path. i fear that i might be more interested in getting into and helping other people emotionally from a place of kinda avoiding my own problems. to go on the rollercoaster of others emotional journey so i won’t have to move my own. though i do see it as a very meaningful and rewarding work, from a healthy view, and it seems very challenging and reflecting, i’m not sure to which extent it might become more of an escape like a any other workaholism.
What do you think? is it something that happens to even potentially good therapists? do you have any advice or maybe a self inquiry that can help?
Thanks and Best wishes
Roman.
Dear Mr. Mackler,
Happy New Year! I hope this message finds you well. I’m an avid admirer of your channel. I understand that you are not a practicing therapist. However, I have questions to ask you. How do you cultivate love for yourself from a therapist perspective? What advice would you give to someone on how to cultivate love for themselves? Thank you very much!
Hi Sebastian.
I would work on healing my traumas — knowing my history and, as an adult, doing my best to resolve the problems that arose then.
Happy New Year to you too!
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I enjoy your videos and have found them helpful. I’m in my early 20s, and have dealt with DPDR (depersonalization derealization) for about ten years now. In my experience, it was triggered by a stressful event(with prior traumatic experiences in childhood), but has continued until the present day. The event made me feel overwhelming shame. It’s tough communicating that I haven’t felt real or connected to myself for ten straight years. People don’t understand. Mental health professionals have not been helpful in treating it, and never understand it either- I was even put on an anti-psychotic after telling a psychiatrist about it.
During the past decade I’ve seen internet discussion of DPDR increase, and I believe that it has become more common. It would be great to hear your thoughts about it.
Best,
A
hey daniel; just was reflecting in life. i have a few topics maybe you could give your thoughts on?
1. guilt is inevitable for all people finding truth of themself
2. knowing you are traumatized and saying it is entirely different from actually making progress and getting treatment for traumatization (effective treatment )
sorry if i worded wrong, english is not my native language.
Thanks for the ideas, Michael.
Daniel
Happy New Year Daniel! Thanks for all your content 🙂
Happy New Year to you too, Jane!
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I’ve been watching your video for a while now after having tried CBT for my debilitating social anxiety, I’ve also tried IFS and different medication and nothing seemed to work. I’m at a point where I wonder if my social anxiety cannot be healed and if it’s just my natural temperament to be extremely shy. I have had extreme difficulty with work and making friendships. Frankly I have failed at those things and am extremely isolated. There doesn’t seem to have been any trauma in my life, I’ve searched for it but there really is nothing. Are you sure that every mental health disorder stems from childhood trauma ? Also do you have advice on what I should do for my social anxiety ?
Hi Lisa,
Hmm… I can’t comment on your specific case. But speaking in general, I’ve never seen anyone where there’s no history of trauma in their life… That’s just my opinion… I made a video on it. Not sure if it resonates with you, though!
https://youtu.be/qRyWxmwqerc
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Lisa
I recently watched a youtube video about gifted (IQ) individuals and high anxiety was discussed, a little, as a facet of such a “gift” . It makes sense in that intellectual capacity is likely to also include a heightened capacity for insight in many areas of life which can cause profound consternation: “she sees, she suffers because she sees . . .”
Hi Lisa, I’m not Daniel. Is it okay to offer a few thoughts? 🙂
I’ve worked with many people who live with depression and anxiety. Think of anxiety as a signal that you do not feel safe. Why would that be? At some point in life, did your environment feel unsafe? Environment really comes down to the people closest to you.
A few Qs you need not answer here but may reflect on:
What were your primary caregivers like? Calm, open and balanced, chaotic, inconsistent, cold and distant?
Did you feel safe every day at home when you were growing up?
How did your primary c/g(s) respond when you made a mistake?
Who did you go to when you were troubled or confused?
What did home/school look like for you at ages 5 and 14? Do you remember how you felt then, especially about yourself?
Did you grow up in a sexually safe home with zero exposure to adult material, inappropriate comments, adult oversharing etc?
Did you feel cherished and deeply valued just for being yourself, not for what you attained or helped with?
If you became a mother tomorrow, would you feel 100% okay with your child experiencing the exact same childhood you had…with nothing altered?
I’ve never met an adult with chronic anxiety who did not experience some level of trauma early in life. Remember trauma does not always involve severe forms of abuse. It can often center around an absence of unconditional regard, emotional safety, and feeling understood and wanted exactly as you are.
As for social anxiety, your best bet is to desensitize yourself. For example, try going to a coffee shop alone with a 2-minute timer or whatever duration feels tolerable to begin. Gradually increase your stays in small increments. You can train your nervous system to relax over time.
Medication doesn’t work long term because it simply masks the anxiety. Whatever emotions we mask/bury tend to magnify over time. Try reading about Eastern approaches to anxiety…yogis, TCM etc. They’re much more rational and realistic than the Western medical model.
Above all, try your best to start reducing your isolation. Think *proximity.* If you don’t have close friends to hang out with and connect, set a goal to at least *be near other people regularly.* Practice wishing a neighbor good morning in the hallway, ask the coffee barista how her day is going, thank the mailman for delivering your packages.
The fastest way to positively connect with others is giving compliments 🙂 “Cool glasses!” “You have great style.” “That hat really suits you!”
Small steps will help you to break the loop. I’ve taught people to do this. All it requires is willingness and time. You are clearly willing based on the info you’ve shared above. I believe you can and will find peace with some new strategies.
Very best wishes! One moment at a time 🙂
Jane
Hi Daniel,
Have you watched the documentary “In Utero” (2015) by Kathleen Man Gyllenhaal?
It is my absolute favorite documentary of all time on the psychology of trauma.
Hi Scott,
Thanks for the recommendation. I’ve never heard of this movie…
Warm hello—
Daniel
Hi daniel,
Do you like Billy Joel’s song My Life? I think the lyrics help for those who are breaking from parents.
Hi Young Woo —
I do like that song!! Or did many years ago when I last heard it!
Daniel
Hi Daniel, are you okay with suggestions for videos? I’d like to request one for folks alone on the holidays please. I’ve been very isolated for a long time. Combination of needing to step away from harmful individuals as well as a heavy tendency to self-isolate. I am both lonely and distrustful of humans at this point. You are likely very busy but if you have time to spare in the next couple of weeks to post a video to support folks like me, that would be so lovely 🙂 I have strategies, I’ll be fine. It just really hurts. Watched your video about realizing you’re “not normal.” That was so comforting.
Wishing you a joyful holiday season surrounded by great people! 🙂
Jane
Hi Jane,
I sort of made a video on this subject a few years ago: https://youtu.be/_8IHTrNIcHE
“Surviving the Holidays After Breaking From Your Parents — Not Easy, But Possible!”
All the best — in this holiday season!
Daniel
Thank you very much! I haven’t seen that one yet 🙂
Hey Daniel,
Have you ever heard of Psychodrama? a method of therapy by trying to recreate scenes of the past through play with other people playing parts for someone.
i came across the idea at first through a chapter in the book “the body keeps the score”. got me kinda excited and i tried to recreate something myself with a few pillows and a bit of imaginations, and in that moment, i was surprisingly powerful at recreating a certain atmosphere that i had with my parents. haven’t tried since (about a year ago) but my impression that it can be a interesting and a powerful healing tool (with the right support probably).
Thanks for your reply Daniel. If you ever change your mind, the documentary becomes very poignant and authentic as it progresses…especially at the end. I agree it’s a very disturbing topic. I study such issues and the people involved because I worked with abuse victims for many years and our society seems to be finding novel and increasingly disturbing ways to exploit them. I’m from Gen X. We certainly had our problems growing up but young people today seem to struggle emotionally on a much more fundamental level. Society has swung from “sexuality is inherently wicked and shameful” to “sex means absolutely nothing unless you make money from it.”
I wish you the best also. I’ve learned a lot from your videos. When I feel particularly alien in this bizarre human world, I often go to your videos for solace. Thank you!
Happy Holidays 🙂
Jane
Thanks Jane. Well, I hear you! Also, I very recently recorded a video critiquing the sex positivity movement, but I’m not sure I’m ready to make it public. I’ll have to look it over and see. But I think what this young woman in the video doing is very much in line with all this sex positivity stuff — basically, that “anything goes as long as there’s consent,” yet an almost complete disdain for looking at the psychological underpinnings of the sexual behavior. Especially any traumatic emotional underpinnings… And I’ve met a lot of people who get bent out of shape when I do start talking about (and heaven forbid analyzing) the emotional underpinnings… Anyway, to be continued. THANKS for opening up this topic. Daniel
Hi Daniel,
‘hijacking’ this reply chain, personally i would love if you’d publish eventually this video you have described. Other than sounding exactly like a “you” video of speaking your truth regardless the backlash, though highly understand the concern on such a topic, personally i quite feel it.
i.e. i really see the beginnings of trauma and emotional needs through sexual desires and fantasies (though with years of porn there’s a lot of twisting and confusion). it’s a great topic and can be very touchy for many. so even if you’ll remove the video a week after posting it will be good enough for me.
i wonder if you thought or mentioned (in the video) the area of healing through various sexualities that some attempt, which from my understanding essentially boils down to recreating situations in a safer and more controlled space. i can see the appeal and maybe there is some healing that happens there, but at the very least i’m not sure this is the healthiest and clearest approach since you go through an “obscure metaphor” for a lack of a better term. overall i think psychodrama is a much better way.
Thank you so much for mentioning “sex positivity” Daniel! I agree with you and I’ve had similar reactions when I try to discuss it. It’s actually really a sex-negative movement and thoroughly bizarre that people claiming to be feminists describe porn creation and prostitution as “empowering.” I believe this nonsense partly stems from luxury beliefs. Upper middle class women like to virtue-signal about the “positivity” of “sex work” whilst so far removed from it and the inherent harm. Some of my former patients were strippers and prostitutes. I don’t need to tell you how asinine it is for any adult to suggest that those women were doing well in life. Suffice it to say, I sat with many broken hearts and wounded souls. Our society is upside-down and I’ve never seen things decline so much in my lifetime as ~ the last 5-10 years. I’m struggling with not falling into pessimism. Perhaps there’s a video idea there too…how to maintain a grasp on reality while also keeping hope alive! Anyway, I look forward to your video on “sex positivity” when you feel comfortable posting it. I wish you lived in my neighborhood so I could invite you for coffee to discuss our world. Where on earth are we going next?? Yikes!
Hi Daniel,
I would love to hear your thoughts on the whole sex positivity thing as I’ve been thinking about it a lot as well. It seems like you have some hot takes though honestly likely sensible for those who try to see it from a wider lense. Anyway, if you do release that video, I will gladly watch it!
Hello Daniel, I continue to appreciate your insightful and honest content. Will you please produce a video in response to the Lily Philips event. An ‘OnlyFans’ porn creator who recently organized a stunt where she had sex with 100 strangers in one day. She now plans to up her next event to 1000 men in 24 hrs. Documentary: https://youtu.be/mFySAh0g-MI?si=kxQWbG94uhgVhDYL Lily is clearly deeply traumatized and doubling down on rationalizing and maladaptive coping. Being dragged by callous judges on the internet will surely drive her further into despair. As a man and healer, would you please share your thoughts about Lily, the men who participated, and the current regression of our society? Where do we go from here? How can we help so many confused and traumatized men and women to avoid what is basically self-immolation? If Lily would be willing to discuss the event and her childhood with you, I think you could really help. I am so weary of the current war between men and women: each “side” blaming the other instead of uniting to support each other and establish healthy sexuality with boundaries. Lily’s parents sound like abusive narcissists. Rather than condemn them, most people are calling Lily a selfish money-hungry demon. I have too many thoughts to include here but I believe the Only Fans site should be shut down. Do you agree? Thank you Daniel.
Ohhhh — I find this so disturbing, Jane. I watched a minute or two of the video… This young woman seems so mixed-up me, and the guys participating are so lost too…or worse. I don’t think I can make a video about it. It’s just too troubling… But what a world we live in… Something has gone very wrong in this woman’s life, and the men’s lives, and the documentary-maker too. To me, all of this is a reflection of some bigger ugly things in society…
I am wishing you the best,
Daniel
Thanks for your reply Daniel. If you ever change your mind, the documentary becomes very poignant and authentic as it progresses…especially at the end. I agree it is a very disturbing topic. I study such issues and the people involved because I worked with abuse victims for many years and our society seems to be finding novel and increasingly disturbing ways to exploit them. I’m from Gen X. We certainly had our problems growing up but young people today seem to struggle emotionally on a much more fundamental level. Society has swung from “sexuality is inherently wicked and shameful” to “sex means absolutely nothing unless you make money from it.”
I wish you the best also. I’ve learned a lot from your videos. When I feel particularly alien in this bizarre human world, I often go to your videos for solace. Thank you!
Happy Holidays 🙂
Jane
Have you ever had someone accuse you of not having a soul? It’s happened to me a few times in the last year or so, during the time I thought I was having MORE fidelity to the voice inside me. I’m kind of taken aback when it happens, confused. It’s like I keep provoking more superstitious reactions from people.
Hi Jack,
I’m not sure I’ve been accused of this. Maybe — but I can’t remember. People have accused me of a lot of stuff, and definitely tend to get more threatened by me the healthier I’ve become. That is a fact!
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
I think the “threat” is similar to how many people feel about wealthy people. They have something I want. Unconsciously, people want what you have: inner health or evolving into ever-increasing health. People “know” that it takes too much work to achieve outer riches or the most essential inner riches so they project their own failings onto “you”!
Thank you so much for the work you do and the amazing videos. I found your channel very recently and theyve motivated me to pull through hard times and work on healing myself + being more compassionate with my relationships with others.
I hope you have an amazing day! Keep up the great work =)
Thank you Ann.
Hi Daniel,
Do you think it’s possible to be 100% true self in our modern world in which 99.999% of people are not healing? Maybe we are social creatures, we want to follow others at some level..? And you said everyone is traumatized including you, even the healthiest person hasn’t resolved their deepest childhood trauma. So being 100% true self is only possible when majority of people start healing?
Thanks!
Hi Young Woo —
Well, I think it would be pretty hard to heal it all! But still maybe possible…
But definitely easier if more people were doing it!
I’m wishing you the best,
Daniel
One cannot be truly 100% healed from my p.o.v. because trauma is always happening and therefore one is always in a process of healing i.e. growth
Hello Daniel,
I hope this message finds you well.
I’m currently in a time of my life where I feel overwhelmed by everything going on around me. Lately, I’ve been feeling exhausted, socially withdrawn, and at times it feels like I’m stranded in an emotional void. I sometimes have thoughts where I wish to be engulfed in silence as the world disappears from my eyes– not necessarily to die but just to yearn for a button that would erase my existence from this world. It also doesn’t help that I’m a university students and these feelings interfere with my academic performances.
I’ve been watching your videos lately and I wanna say that they have provided me with comfort and clarity. I admire your wisdom, vulnerability, and validation of trauma, and I feel like I’m learning a lot from your videos. You’ve rekindled my interest in psychology as I see more as a discipline that helps us become more understanding and empathetic to not only other people but also to ourselves. For this reason, I think I want to study psychology and eventually have a career related to it.
I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this, and I have no expectations that you will. I just wanted to send you this message to inform you that you’re having a positive impact on someone’s life and hopefully you’ll use that reminder as encouragement to continue sharing your experiences with us.
Thank you.
Best regards,
– Vi.
Thank you Vi. I am wishing you the best!
Daniel
Subject: Question about Managing Anxiety after Hearing Your Perspective
Hi Daniel,
I recently watched your take on anxiety, and it really gave me a new perspective on something I’ve been struggling with. I’ve had a tool that helped me calm myself down when feeling anxious—I’d remind myself that anxiety often doesn’t serve me well in certain moments and could lead me to underperform. This approach has worked for a while, but after watching your video and hearing your perspective that anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I’ve found that my usual method doesn’t seem to work as well anymore. It’s left me feeling even more anxious, almost as though I’ve lost a helpful coping tool.
I’m wondering if you have any advice on how to reconcile my previous approach with your perspective. Is there a way to embrace the anxiety while still finding some way to manage it in those high-stress moments? I’d love to hear any thoughts you might have on this.
Thanks so much for your work—it’s been incredibly eye-opening for me.
Best regards,
Parth
Hey Daniel,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m currently in a time in my life where everything I knew about my family is in upheaval, and it’s like I’m only just realising my mind was in an upside down world for the first 21 years of my life. Slowly lifting the veil of denial, on both myself and my family, is TERRIFYING – and it’s so risky. Yet I wanted to share this with you and with whoever might be reading this because maybe my life experience so far might be helpful data for others when it comes to breaking away from your parents and knowing when and how.
As I’ve gotten even only SLIGHTLY more in touch with my independence, I’ve discovered my parents have been monitoring my emotional landscape, keeping me emotionally transparent, my whole entire life – and they’re always at the ready to catch me out. I had no idea I was so emotionally fragile and vulnerable before, letting others walk all over me – not only my parents but everybody else I’ve met in the world, as a result. I think what I really want to say is that from what I’ve learnt in my own experience, for people who were quite literally brainwashed from the get-go, there can be IMMENSE value in kind of testing your new-found emotional independence in the PRESENCE of your family, in addition to away from them. I’m learning that as I fumble through trying to protect myself a lot more, my parents are ramping up their attacks to demonically deranged levels, and it’s actually given me so much information on just how I had been treated my entire life. THEY LITERALLY GIVE THEMSELVES AWAY SO BADLY precisely BECAUSE they are trying to amp up their ridiculous, clownish, cruel and manipulative antics. They intimidate me by going through my closet when they think I’m asleep, reading my diaries, rummaging through my rubbish bins, going on insane tirades about Noah’s Ark and how the small animals on the Ark are going to be saved from the sinners who drown in the flood but how King Louis the IV or something made an offhand comment to let the peasants drown in the flood so they hanged the spoiled pampered French aristocrats (implying I will be punished if I say something out of line??), and they intimidate and infantilise me, offering me milk saying that little kids need to grow (I know what the hell this actually happened) while sneering, saying other terrible things to try to scare me back into their control. Like this stuff gives me so much evidence and insight on THEIR levels of disturbed, THEIR levels of denied paranoia and terror and guilt and insecurity, and how I myself became a reflection of that – that’s the reason why they dared to say all this stuff to my seemingly oblivious face at all – and it’s disturbing to me just who I was before, and it’s disturbing to me just how under their mental control I was and am in as I find myself distinctively chafing against it now. I feel like I am in danger, but this is worth it – because I had been DEAD, so so so ill before, and this is my only chance to have any chance at life anyways, so if I die amidst all this danger who cares I tried something REAL in my life. But anyways, I’ve grown a bit more now, and things are unfolding, and I’ve been entered into a world of so much subliminal communication that I was literally BLIND to before because I was that traumatised and crushed out, literally kept on a leash known as my infantile abandonment wounds. My family speaks in code – never knew this, but now I do – my scapegoat brother has always tried to warn me about my parents through shrouded metaphor in conversation, there is a power play from every damn subliminally weird creepy sentence my parents spew out, and it’s high time I fight for myself, not by turning a terrified blind eye and going back into the familiar comforts of my classical conditioning from them, or by being so spooked I scurry away, but to literally run screwed-up-head first into that hurricane.
It’s like I’m trying to test my independence ON them, trying to see what reflexive feelings come up in me in their presence due to their conditioning as they respond, and what new-found independence I have that is pushing against that. Their mounting threats give them away, which builds my motivation more, somehow builds my SELF-ESTEEM more as I realise that who they are is weird and was downloaded into me and I’m a separate being, which urges me to build myself a home within myself even more, which builds my independence even more (hopefully), I make mistakes that they catch me out in, and that is feedback on how I can improve in protecting/hiding/guarding/building myself, and somehow it’s actually a positive cycle. My parents are both trauma AND adversity – they’re traumatising in the ways they bat me around like I’m some sort of disrespected inferior object, but that in and of itself as I’ve come more to that reality, is an adversity that can help me grow. I’m beginning to think that for some people, who were VERY brainwashed, like me, I NEED to stay in my family for a long time before breaking away, because not only do I need more information out of them, I also want to TRAIN MYSELF AGAINST THEM, become stronger to overcome their threats and intimidation and gossip by training my perceptions in catching it out… kind of like training my abilities to build emotional boundaries, to protect myself, AGAINST the threats and challenges they provide for me. I think THAT is how I will NATURALLY become more independent and not flounder in the real world, which has MORE challenges and threats. A huge part of me is telling me that breaking away too early is bad for me, because if I did, it’s like I bypassed a lower level in a game, which is my family, to enter a more difficult level, which is the gigantic real world FULL of different people just like my family, of whom I have even more of a disadvantage with when it comes to protecting myself, because the real world is just so much more complex to navigate. ESPECIALLY when I replicate my traumas unconsciously and attract people who are just like my family to me. It’s like something out there is URGING me to grow IN THE MIDST of the threat of my parents, because if I by-passed the challenge of not only butting heads with them constantly (covertly!) but also being able to coexist with them as an independent self, the threat and my fear of it, and not being able to overcome it, will continue to replicate with people who are copies of my parents coming to me from the real world that I venture out to. The lesson will continue to arise in my life if I do not resolve and overcome it when it first emerged.
I think the time when I will break away is when I get strong enough in my self that even they know they have no more use for me, and THEY want to get rid of me, and we literally become emotional strangers and we all know it. I’m not there yet – so that’s why I need to stay. Not just because I need to learn more about what they did and do to me, but also because they as people are ironically the only opportunity for me to get back what was mine, in the sense that they stole my growth and childhood, so I need to grow AGAINST their attacks and threats into a fuller person again. As a by-product I get truth – as a by-product of butting heads with them emotionally, I also have illuminated all the areas in myself I need desperately to grow and develop. I don’t want to leave just because I’m scared of them. If I did, I’d encounter them again in other people in the real world, and I’d be so unmoored on my own that I’d be too weak to fend them off, and I inevitably have no choice but to be walked all over again by these parental replications. I want to leave because I’ve grown so independent even while dealing with them, and motivated to become more independent BECAUSE I’ve been dealing with their mounting threats, that they no longer can use me, and I can no longer use the threat of them to grow. I want to leave with an ACCURATE snapshot of just who my family were as people, and I can only get there by prodding them with my independence, in real time, to show their CLOWNISH selves. Also… it’s because I CANNOT afford to continue to search for parental figures anymore, especially in my brother. He’s strong and he’s never needed our parents to know truth, he’s always had such a strong sense of self, instead his whole life he’s been traumatised and dragged down by all of us, so he will leave whenever he’s ready, and I don’t want to be another person dragging him down anymore. He literally tells me that our parents just want to try to pretend to have a relationship with him for the sake of ‘optics’. I want that too with my parents without using my brother as a crutch to get to that point. And the way to resolve that, for me, is to literally grow enough against my parents’ threats to the point where they are quite literally redundant to my growth as well. I haven’t even gotten there yet, so it’s DEFINITELY not time for me to break away.
I KNOW this is NOT possible for lots of people, especially with people stuck in families and situations that are literally going to try to IRREVOCABLY cripple/damage/even KILL them if they’re stuck in there any longer. I don’t know – maybe I’m blind to just how dangerous my parents can be, since they groomed ME to be their caregiver in old age, so maybe I’m stuck in a very dangerous situation too right now, but this is literally the only chance I have at life. I’m motivated to be a lot more careful now, seeing all the mistakes I made recently. Let’s just say my parents are SO terribly crafty and I was so careless before. But I need to grow and fight. I want to escape the chronic emptiness and mental illness and acting out and actually have a life. And I know defences can cripple who we are in the bigger world if we overly reinforce them in reaction to our families. But I think for some people, like me, I need to BUILD these HEALTHY defences, all of which were taken from me. So I need to stay.
I hope this can help anybody out there!!!! I’m only realising now that I’m only JUST at the starting point of healing – and I can see so much ahead of me – literally because I see my parents ahead of me.
— Mary
MARY,
PLEASE GET AWAY AS SOON AS YOU CAN…..YOU NEED KINDNESS, LOVE AND SUPPORT. YOU WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER GET THIS WHILST YOU STAY IN THIS TRAP.
FIND A C-PTSD TRAUMA THERAPIST… (RESEARCH CLOSELY-NOT ALL ARE EQUAL).
AND LOVE YOURSELF….. YOU HAVE BEEN SO TOTALLY ABUSED.
GET AWAY FROM THEM. THIS IS HORRIFIC ABUSE…
Sending STRENGTH and love. ❤️
Do you know if there’s a way to tell if I’m mourning a false self, or if its a true part of me im actually separated from. Sometimes I’ve dreamed that I could be a different kind of person. But I can’t tell if it’s a fantasy, maybe thinking i’d be rescued if I were more like that. Does that make sense, thank you
Your questions and concerns are compelling. Thank you for sharing them.
Hi Jack, Susan here. My experience has been when the false self, the one designed by parents, teachers, friends, society, culture, etc. is leaving, there is a deep sadness that comes with it. There is mourning for who we once were, who we thought we were. It’s like being told a parent. Isn’t yr parent. Who am I without what I know? It’s painful in all areas mental physical, emotional, As if something is being ripped from my soul. afterwards, there has been exhaustion, a need for rest. Take it. And then a void to fill with what I want. What ever left, what would I put in its place, something that is truly me? I’ve learned not to force it. Let it run its course. Eliminate distractions so I can sense it, feel it. Sometimes I sit quietly, take walks, whatever I sense I need to do, but it’s all about finding what works for me what I like what I want to do and it’s in stages, thank goodness for that. I wish you the best of becoming you. I hope this helped a little bit.
Love your response Susan.
Thank you, Chris.
Agreed
Hi Daniel I’m interested in becoming a psychologist yet the journey seems hard and long and I don’t if I will work what jf I fail I keep hearing people saying how difficult it is and that I should rather settle for something else I’m lost confused and to be unfulfilled I’m 19 going to college next year possibly but yeah
Hi Maulana,
I became a therapist myself through becoming a social worker. I chose not to be a psychologist. I wasn’t interested in that much psychological academics. I did end up reading a huge amount of psychology, and learned a lot that way, but so much of the academic psychology curriculum was not interesting to me — and didn’t seem that it would be useful. There are many different paths to becoming a therapist, if that is what interests you. Being a psychologist is just one.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Which were the psychology books that you red at time of becoming a psychotherapist, which really helped you to learn psychotherapy
Hi Faisal,
I read Alice Miller books — they were useful to me.
Here’s a list of books I recommend, including some by her…
Daniel
https://wildtruth.net/some-book-recommendations-psychology-and-more/
Hi Daniel,
Have you heard about the work of Bruce Ecker who explains the underlying mechanism of why and when psychotherapies are effective? Independent of any therapy school.
I am very excited learning about this because it gives me understanding why I don’t like and trust some “evidence -based” psychotherapies and do others (like IFS).
Warmly
Hi Lukas,
Greetings. I don’t know the work of Bruce Ecker, but it almost sounds like you are describing the work of Bruce Wampold. Is that possible? If so, I do know Bruce Wampold and I have also followed his work on the subjects you describe. I actually made a video where I reference his work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqLILX0pZF4
I also have a separate video on evidence-based therapies: Why I Don’t Like Evidence-Based Psychotherapy — A Former Therapist Speaks: https://youtu.be/YRMVEONXbbo
Meanwhile, I’m going to look up Bruce Ecker now.
All the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you have ever experienced sexuality confusion or if you have worked with people who have experienced sexuality confusion. I (female) am currently somewhat attracted to a man due to his emotional maturity (it is hard to find this quality in young men my age), however, I struggle to feel physically attracted to him and therefore do not know if I should try to pursue some kind of romantic relationship. It’d be nice to have a partner who is emotionally mature and responsible, but the thing is, I struggle to feel any kind of physical attraction to men. I am more physically attracted to women and feel like I notice women much more than I notice men, so I am confused about my ‘crush.’ The other thing is, although I feel more physically attracted to women, I can’t see myself in a long term relationship with a woman, and have never been in a relationship with a woman. I also feel like even if I did tell this man about my ‘crush’ on him, he wouldn’t like me because I think (but don’t know for sure) he prefers women who have a more feminine appearance. I don’t feel like I have a feminine appearance, and while I am ok with that, it kind of hurts when I think about how he (probably) doesn’t feel the same way about me due to that. Also, this is very strange for me because I hardly ever feel attracted to anyone. So I don’t know what to do with myself now that I feel attracted to someone for the first time in years. I guess when I think of him, I mainly crave emotional intimacy, not a sexual relationship (though maybe I will be interested in that after building emotional intimacy?). For example, I really just want to talk to him for hours and get to know him better and spend time with him.
I do wonder if any of this confusion (or the attraction itself) is due to my relationship with my dad, because as a child my dad was emotionally neglectful and an alcoholic. My dad always provided financially (although the alcoholism worsened our financial situation), but he was never really supportive of me, never encouraged me, we hardly ever even talked despite living in the same house.
So, I guess my question is, how do I cope with having this weight of sexuality confusion? What do I do about it to have some certainty? I’ve felt confused about my sexuality since puberty, but now that I’m 22 I feel like I really need to figure myself out somehow.
Any responses are welcome, being a young adult I feel like I need the perspective of someone with more life experience to help me with this please.
Hi Ximena,
I respect your ponderings! I do know a number of people who have taken a good long while to sort out their sexual and romantic (and attraction) feelings toward others, and I also have noted that these feelings can change over time. One thing I regret in my past was a pressure, first imposed by others and then self-imposed, to make a relationship overtly romantic or sexual rather quickly. That ruined many a good potential friendships for me… I think it’s better to go slow, develop the friendship more, get to know the person better. I think if a romantic relationship is meant to be, that will become more clear over time — and if it’s not meant to be, that will become more clear too. Also, I have seen how unresolved issues with our parents (and other authority figures) can influence our romantic and attraction feelings… Speaking from personal experience, I feel so much more secure and healthy in the romance/attraction area of my life after having done a lot of healing from my childhood issues related to my parents… What a process it’s been…and continues to be (I’m 52). Wishing you the best on your journey!! Daniel
P.S. I did make a video sort of about this (“Advice to My Former Teenage Self About Sex and Romance”), though maybe you already saw it (and I do acknowledge that you’re 22, not a teenager!!!): https://youtu.be/zGtzdhsrVCM
I liked how you talked about stockholm syndrome being the norm. I was wondering.. would you say in a way, everybody is blackmailed? That there’s a sort of… glass houses stalemate? It’s been interesting (disturbing) to read in the news, about people not going public about the bad things they’ve seen at certain powerful peoples parties… because they’re also implicated.
Recently my parents took in a stray dog. I know this may sound unrelated, but there was something I felt from them. She (the stray) got into a fight with our other dog so now they have to be kept apart. She’s been living in the bathroom, and everyday whines and tries to open the door. One of my first memories is pounding on my parents door when I knew they were in there, and acting like they couldn’t hear me. So it’s been strange for me to have the job of walking her, and going in there and feeding her and so on, but also, to be on the other side, of that cry of someone who knows you’re there. They say they can’t find a home for her, and that this is still better than being on the street. For all I know it is. She’s almost like my baby and I go in there a lot, to pet her and play with her, and take her on long walks. But it’s strange, some part of me thinks it gives my parents a secure feeling for me to be in on it, in a way. It makes me wonder about those sleazy partners in crime that I see in the headlines. What do they talk about with each other? Do they ever bring up doubts, or share their justifications? Are we all initiated ?
Idk if this is making sense. Or obvious. Thank you Daniel for your videos, I want to have a lifestyle one day of fidelity to myself, not being disconnected. Even living with my parents I think I can achieve a bubble of truth
Good day Daniel,
Let’s imagine more people are doing healing / grieving process, becoming aware of their true selves, honest and respectful to each other. No more trauma and humilation. That’s be a great world to live in! A lot of problems would be solved. But what’s next? To live in harmony with yourself and others, enjoy life and eventually die? Dying isn’t a bad thing, but some people may think: “Oh I’m gonna die anyway, I wanna try all the pleasures of life (drugs, alcohol) and if I hurt someone, it’s fine, noone will hold me accountable.”
Hello Daniel,
I have OCD, and was reminded yesterday of a traumatic event that happened to me in the past where someone assaulted me and sexually harassed me, and I can’t even meet them to verbally, or physically confront them. My OCD theme is fear of getting stuck thinking about something, so have you published anything related? Because I don’t know how to handle it.
Hi D.,
Hmm, I don’t know that I’ve published anything specifically on that. I do have some Youtube videos on confronting parents…sort of a related topic. However, regardless, I wouldn’t recommend physically confronting anyone, especially years later. I’m not sure if that could accomplish anything positive, and could certainly result in many potential negative consequences…
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a big fan of your channel and find your videos incredibly informative. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
I was wondering if you could consider doing a video on somatization. It’s a topic that not many people have discussed from a psychoanalytical perspective.
Thanks again.
Best regards,
Ali
Hi Ali,
It’s a good topic, I agree. (I would to say, however, that I come from what is considered a “psychoanalytic” perspective, though I do like to psychologically analyze things!) Meanwhile, I did make a video that is on a certain aspect of somatization — on my own personal healing from ulcerative colitis. https://youtu.be/P9brVhmWr2M
I wonder what you would think of it…
All the best to you,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
What do you think of creating a platform where traumatized people can gather and share their pains as well as listen to each other, sort of a pshychological session.? It can also help people make friends and connect with each other from different parts of the world.
Hi Veracious,
I used to have such a platform, connected to my website… But it was so exhausting!!! I actually made a video about this some time back: https://youtu.be/ysEGj50JSEc
But I definitely think it’s a great idea to have such a platform…but I’ve learned that at least at this point in my life, I’m not the person to create or manage it… I just don’t think I could handle it emotionally!!!
But I’d love it if someone else did it…..
Daniel
I felt like sharing a recent journal of mine to you Daniel. I am a 19 yo subscriber.
“This whole acting. This whole show I am trying to put on. Where I hide all my insecurities and issues and convincing my mind that I am strong. It’s getting to me. It is getting harder and harder. I can’t keep it inside me.
I don’t like hiding. I’m hiding things from myself. I don’t want to realize certain things about me. So I can’t really find me out. Find who I am. Therefore others won’t either. Nomatter how nice they approach me. It’s not there.
I feel like I have a valuable gem inside me and it’s hidden even from myself. I can’t access it. And that way. I am staying low in life. I’m staying rested.”
Hi Daniel,
This is something that has happened in my adult years so far with how dismissive and trigger happy most people seem to be on the internet these days to just ban people for a rush of a quick unjustifiable powertrip.
How do you deal with idiots and mean negative jerks always punishing you for daring to speak your inner truth of who you are and be creative? I don’t mean sketchy stuff. I mean things like making your own art. Anything from miniatures to articulated figures to drawing and learning how to make those with great success actually. I always feel like “I DID IT!” and my artpieces are a part of me.
It feels like they’re rejecting the very essence of “me” whenever they gang up on me for making whatever fictional SFW works I want and assassinate my character with their petty bullshit and they just want to go on a power trip to ostracize a random person who cares about the source material of the fandom by telling everyone to ignore me at best or ban me at worst. While reinforcing this narrative that all fan created content MUST be stupid immature jokes and shitposts.
Then its demoralizing when I see the same hypocrites supporting porn and other nasty stuff on social media.
How do we get back the joy we once had for our hobbies? After the last 5 or so years of this bullshit online I feel like I can’t bring myself to open up an art program on my computer or take a pen to paper most days.
Thank you in advance,
-A Concerned Citizen
Hello, Daniel,
Your insights have greatly shaped my journey, and I’m deeply grateful. You helped me through a tough time.
Having once explored secular Eastern spirituality, I often found that many in these circles seemed strangely disconnected from their emotions. Worse, they would use their ideologies to justify inflicting pain on others, as if their beliefs absolved them of responsibility and criticism. Phrases like ‘Nothing matters,’ ‘There is no self,’ or ‘Thoughts create problems—ignore them’ seemed to free them from accountability.
What I found most troubling, though, was the frequent refrain: ‘You are suffering because of your bad karma, if not from this life, then from a past one.’ As if a little child, sexually abused and helpless, could be blamed for some karmic debt. It was a notion that never sat right with me.
I recently watched your video, ‘The Reality of Spirituality—A Critique,’ and it left me with more questions. I would love to hear your further thoughts on this.
A fellow survivor of our messed up system gave me your name. I’m a former psych nurse who ended up getting caught up in the system as a patient at age 55 (now 60). I’m recently free after 4 psychiatric admissions in the past two months (1 voluntary, the rest involuntary/coerced).
I’m so psyched to find a fellow former practitioner / survivor who is doing well. I’m still a mess from all the trauma but eventually want to do advocacy work. Any chance you can point me to trustworthy organization to find allies? I’m aware of MadInAmerica, Rob Wipond, Mind Freedom…
I have no secrets and am trying to have no shame.
Tara
Hi Tara,
Well, if you’ve found MadInAmerica and Rob Wipond and MindFreedom I’d say you’ve already pretty much found the best connections!!! So I’m not sure I have any other good ones to offer!!
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Could you make a video on DID (dissociative identify disorders)? Any tips how to recover from that. I’m 41 years old, I felt weird all my life, at age 32 I started digging in why I feel so, as the internal pain was huge. Apart from what I remember from my childhood (I was growing up in very abusive house), I was started discovering a nightmare I went through, started when I was two till around six, seven years old ( I sexual abused by my father and other friend of my parents, but lately what I was discovering that my mother sold me and my siblings few times to pedofilic network, we were used in childpornograpy). I have zero memories, just lots of somatic flashbacks. I confronted my parents and they reaction said a lot too. However, as terrible that sounds, I’m happy to at least know why I’m so disconnected from my body, knowing the truth about the past is so important.
Thank you
Can you make a video analyzing sibling abuse in the dysfunctional household and relative topics pertaining to unhealthy sibling relationships siblings such as siblings who become both the abuser and victim?
It would be interesting to see a focus on analyzing dynamics that extend outside of the child/parent.
Hi Daniel,
Hope you are doing. I wonder if you had any thoughts on common childhood diseases and their relation to childhood trauma. Specifically, I have in mind childhood asthma, whose cause is unknown and speculative. I personally was diagnosed with it, although it disappeared way before adulthood, I am wondering if it did connect to my childhood experiences. Asthma being the pathways of breathing being closed off suddenly and feeling severely stuck and in panic, it connects closely to what being terrified as a child by parents felt like. However, I had not heard of anyone else considering asthma being a result of childhood trauma.
Regards,
Jonathan
I have wondered, and honestly have believed, that asthma is connected with psychological difficulties, usually in the extreme—would love to hear Daniel’s perspective!
Jonathan,
Thank you for this post — very thought-provoking. I really like what you’ve written — make sense to me.
I would like to consider making a video on this.
all the best,
Daniel
Pediatric turned psychiatric nurse turned abused psychiatric patient here…
Asthma and stress/trauma (same thing) are 100% linked (as are many other childhood illnesses – (eczema, bowel issues, eating issue, acne…).
Some of these go away in adulthood, some are replaced by more serious issues (addiction, IBS, Chrons, Type 2 Diabetes, obesity), and some just continue to get worse as we age.
You’re lucky your asthma went away. My guess is you have other stress-related issued, both physical and psychological. It’s part of THEIR game.
We are the pawns in an ugly game where they keep us “sick” and dependent so they can make more money off of us. It’s abusive.
It’s not always our families that are the problem. It’s primarily society and a messed up mental healthcare system from cradle to grave.
Hi Daniel and everyone that is in the journey of healing!!
Any tips, advice, or light in how to heal from hypocondria? Ive been strugling with this for years but it has intensified last months
That question resonates for me because I have a friend who is a hypochondriac and would like for him to recognize it.
Hey Daniel. What are your views on self forgiveness? I’ve seen previous videos about how you view the conventional concept of forgiveness and that it halts the healing progress. Self forgiveness refers to the releasing oneself of anger bitterness and other negative emotions in response to be traumatized, wrongly and profoundly transgressed, or poorly treated in some way or form and coming at a place of experiencing or feeling peace.
I enjoy your videos as a lot of them resonate with me. Hope things have been treating you well as of lately. Thank you for taking the time in reading my question.
Hi Marcus,
Thanks for your comment. I actually recorded a video on this subject a couple of months ago and just released it yesterday.
I wonder what you’d think of it…
https://youtu.be/WKbeDLDsaiI
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to post your videos, they’ve been very inspiring and insightful. You have spoken often of the importance of sharing our stories of trauma. Like you, I lived with an abusive family, but only certain members were abusive. I’ve told friends my story, and even spoke with a therapist, but I find myself still wanting to recount it; wanting to air my grievances the way you have. Yet, I don’t want to shame anyone, and unlike you I chose to stay well into adulthood when I could (and should) have left. So, my question is, do you think there is benefit in working with active imagination, abstraction, or fictionalizing the narrative? I’ve caught myself writing my entire life story in emails to relative strangers, then deleting them unsent. I’m realizing that I’m not seeking anything from anyone, and just the process of writing the experience is enough to neutralize it. The subject of active imagination would make a great topic for one of your videos! Keep up the good work.
Hello Daniel and everyone,
I need urgent help! I need counselling. Is there anyone who can help me find my way out so Slovenian or European Psychiatry-systems. I get the wrong treatment! I need sunlight, detox, human relationships not just medications. It is really odd. I would like to say more but for now I whink it is better to stay with these basic calls for help.
Thank You,
James
Hey Daniel,
gonna keep this short!
Ive ibeen following your channel since a few years. Thank you for all your help. It gives me great strenght knowing that I am not alone in my beliefs.
Much love and peace from Nepal
Hi Karsim,
Thank you and greetings. And I hope to be coming to Nepal at some point in the next year or so…
All the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel, hope this finds you well.
I request that you make a video on the topic of bullying, and specifically its causes, effects, and how we can heal from it.
I have seen you touch on it briefly in some other videos of yours (I can’t remember specifically which ones) but I think this is a big enough topic that it warrants its own. I believe one could begin their childhood trauma healing work by looking at bullying experiences they have had and start there, be it being the victim of or participating in it, so it would be helpful to me and others.
Thank you and best wishes,
Isaac
Hi , I am a 25 year old female I am having a lot of problems with understanding what my problem is from the past year. I went on a trip with my friend and her boyfriend , I was the third wheel she treated me badly and I felt every minute in that trip was torture. I called the friendship quits and I decided never to talk to her again.
Then I went on another trip with other group of friends there one of friends said ” You know what , whatever happens in this life , you should not succeed more than us” Then one of my friends used my depression as a reason to take a trip. I pointed it out and they left me now in all this I was also insecure because I am the only one who does not earn .
From the very start I felt like I did not deserve to go on the trip. That carried on and these comments aggravated my frustration . Who is to be blamed for a broken friendship here? I don’t want to play the victim. Also I my brain has convinced me that I am really old at 25 and that I should start earning. I want to study but this is causing lot of disorientation and indecisive. I feel like the comments , the way I compare my life and everything has affected me alot.
Also in the panic that I would end up alone I took the friend from my First friendship back.
Just gonna say…it is Your life..but..if you want some advice from a person who has seen this happen to others before..i suggest..you take a break from those friends & life style. Do something completely Different. Unplug. Live a simple quiet life for a while until you are Healed. Then..see how you Feel. Instincts serve us well if we let them.
Hey everyone out there healing, a question for you.
As I’ve going through the healing journey and making major changes in my life, I still can’t say I feel a strong sense of self. I’m getting rid of the toxic people, journaling, exercising, earing better, quit smoking and drinking, joined healing communities, getting therapy, etc. Basically, I feel I’m doing all the right stuff. Or at least all the stuff everyone says is right.
However, I still don’t have a strong sense of self. I still don’t feel a sense of purpose or meaning in life. I can’t say I feel hopeless because there always hope to make money, have a job, buy all the garbage to make my life physically more comfortable and there’s always people to be friendly with. But, life just feels meaningless. I kind of wish I could turn back the clock and go back to the place I was before..in a fog, unaware, oblivious to everything.
What’s your experience with this? Did you move past this? How? What did you gain or learn from this? Are you stuck in it now? What are your thoughts?
Thanks yall.
I’m sorta going through this too. Would love to see more people discuss this part of healing.
Ive been saving money and working my ass off to create a safer more independent situation in my life and I can feel the emotions inching closer the surface but it would be so much nicer to talk to people who have actually gone through the process and not just have a pie in the sky hope for something I’m not even sure exists.
It’s definitely something not talked about much which makes me question if it’s common. Apparently not. While I’m not happy you are also going thru the same thing, it’s nice to know someone else has these feelings.
I’ve mentioned this many times in different places and still have yet to find anyone that says they’ve been there and got thru. I can find plenty of material which speaks about having a dark night of the soul, loss of sense of self, anhedonia, etc but no actual humans which can attest to having been here and made it thru. It makes me feel truly lost.
I hope you and I find some greater meaning, some purpose, a reason. We need to feel our lives have meaning and make sense.
When we are still at the outskirts of old patterns, we may find ourselves still immersed in a fog of unknowing, a lack of clarity. However, you can take comfort in the knowledge that beyond this outer fringe of the fog, there IS a clearing and there you will discover a new meaning to, and in, your life.
As you do the many good things you are already doing, you ARE engaged in purpose. However, moving away from the toxicity of past experience is really only the beginning of a healing journey. You must still sort through and thoroughly PROCESS all the memories and all the associated feelings to the toxic people and the damaging habits of the past, so that you may discover a new meaning, a new value, and a new significance to all you’ve been through.
As you process the mental and emotional levels, you must ALSO be releasing the associated energy distortions at the physical body level as well. Therefore, make sure to actively engage in some enjoyable form of physical exercise every single day so that the energetics of all past experiences, which are presently armored in your physicality, can rise to the surface and be release from the body.
Aside from all your good works already in the works, engage your physical body in the process, and have faith in your inevitable success.
Thanks for the pep talk.
I’m looking for people who’ve experienced this. Have you experienced prolonged period of physical and financial stability but still experienced what I wrote? If so, do share.
Everything I wrote comes from personal experience. The foggy place is the outskirts of a clearing where I spend more time in now. There is physical and financial stability as well. I went through a period of buying stuff and treating myself well in that regard, because I needed to do that. But I eventually began to feel weighed down by the “stuff” so stuff doesn’t really make me happy anymore. These days I feel like I am treating myself better when I engage in creative activities like writing and artwork. But more important than even the creative activities is exerting myself physically in some form of daily exercise — like dancing and hiking. If I don’t move my body actively I may find myself in a slump — in that negative place where “life is meaningless”. But even when that occurs I don’t worry about it anymore — I don’t worry that I’ll get stuck there — I allow it to happen and when I’m done processing, I pop back to my new normal state of mind which, for the most part is to be actively engaged in living my life in ways that gives me pleasure. I am still working on connecting more openly with others — it doesn’t come easy for me yet, especially with strangers, hence the ‘pep talk’. I hope this is more in line with what you were looking for.
As a truth-seeker and lover, I find this to be the most meaningful and most painful journey towards my purpose in life which is to know and love
God.
I couldn’t agree more.
Hi Jen….yes…i’ve done the dark night of the soul…several times. We Do have meaning…though we may not always feel like we do, we do.
Once you get all the way through it you will know this too.
Truth is, it can take years, i wish i could say otherwise..but..depending on our circumstances,,yes..it can happen quickly, or, it take years. and…we can go through it more than once. Especially if we are highly sensitive…this world is not exactly kind to people like us…we have to find our feet & learn how to walk in an alien world…
& since life keeps throwing crap around willy nilly..we will get hit by some of it every so often…& there we are..back in it again.
BUT..take heart..there is always a way out of that darkness..you will find it once you are healed enough to recognize that path…Just determine you Want to, therefore you are Going to, & half the battle is already won.
You Will make it out into the bright light of day, again. As many times as it takes..because..You Are Worth it.
I remember Daniel mentioned the importance of sobriety in one of his videos, and that’s been my experience, too. That fog and nostalgic feeling of contentment has always been drugs and alcohol for me. It took at least two years to really over come the worst of it, and after seven years the desire for escape is almost completely gone. For many of my generation (millennials) the drugs are videogames, casual dating, consumerism, vapid nostalgia, etc. And none of those things are wrong. Some people can even use drugs and alcohol in moderation, but the key is sobriety. Sobriety means (in it’s original sense), seriousness, being somber. We often trivialize our problems, and dismiss them with gallows humor. We try to numb the pain with drugs or sugary foods. That’s like the fog you describe, and that’s why sobriety is important. It lets us see clearly. We can still laugh, still eat ice cream, and still play videogames, but if we keep in touch with our emotions we will no longer need those things to feel meaning in our lives. Just being mindful, aware, and accepting of your emotions. Above all, get plenty of sleep and stay hydrated! 🙂 …and listen to Daniel, he knows his stuff!
Hi Jen, i’ve also been on this journey for over 3 years, and i still haven’t found my purpose in life. I despair sometimes, life is hard here in Greece. But i have hope. I think we need more time and more healing, and maybe we need to try out different things in life, to see if they work. Good luck and patience with your journey!
Going through the same thing word for word!
Down to potentially make a friend who gets it? honestly, It feels like I’m surrounded by those who aren’t goal-oriented or authentically within themselves just disinterested and seeking distractions and don’t want to dig in and make something beautiful? I feel adds to existential fog. No one knows what’s going on and could care less about answers, not explorative, just existing? I don’t want to simply exist.
When you’re the only one who feels like you’re reconstructing things amongst those you know family/friends it feels alienating and you don’t realize it.
Hi Daniel,
I wonder if you have any thoughts on the topic of not crying? As someone in this camp, I find difficulties in relating to my strong inner feelings of sadness towards myself and others, but with no tears coming out. I feel that I’m currently near the end of the process of trusting in the truth of my feelings and not filtering my emotions for unsafe others.
Regards,
Jonathan
I like your question Jonathan. I’ve noticed that it is difficult for me to cry as I have grown older. Thankfully, a good movie scene can bring on the tears big time still!
Hey Daniel, hope you’re alright
What are your thoughts on the Hikikomori phenomenon? People who withdraw from society, don’t work, don’t study, for years or decades. I saw your video on social anxiety and selective mutism, I struggled with both of those things as a kid which followed me into adulthood. Now, I shut myself away from the world, not leaving my house for months.
I would appreciate if you made a video on this phenomenon affecting millions of people around the world.
Hi K,
I started reading about Hikikomori when I was in Japan in 2023. I also had a long conversation with Professor Tamaki Saitō, who is one of Japan’s leading experts on hikikomori, when I was there. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamaki_Saitō ) He also happens to have a keen interest in Finnish Open Dialogue, and he and I were both speaking at an Open Dialogue event in Tokyo. But I was more interested in hikikomori than Open Dialogue! I’m not sure I yet have any original thoughts on hikikomori, or maybe I do. I think it would probably be worth making a video on the subject. So I’ll need time to think about it and study it more… But I will say this: for a lot of people, the world — the social world, the work world, the educational world — is hellish and terrifying and ridden with pressure, so I can understand why some people would withdraw from it….
I send you best wishes!
Daniel
I didn’t know that it is a phenomenon and has a name. Thanks, K! I wonder if it has other names in other cultures. Now I’m really looking forward to Daniel’s video on it.
Hi Daniel. Just want to thank you again for being one of the few voices of reason left amidst the pain and delusion. In more than one instances of despair, , your videos provided some hope. Many thanks.
You’re welcome Aris. Wishing you the best. Daniel
Hi Daniel, my heart just doesn’t know how to thank you enough, for sharing your knowledge so kindly, and in a very lucid way. Actually, I found your videos by “accident”. You seem such an elocuent soul, and it’s a real pleasure to hear you talk. I’ve been watching your content and I am really grateful it came across, so much that I wished you could know. Felt like someone heard me for the first time, like an old good friend. Today, I remembered my voice, because of you. Might seem odd from a stranger, but I haven’t seen a gem in a long long time, and without a doubt you are one of them. I hope life gives you back everything you’re sharing. Agustina
Thank you Agustina!
Daniel
Hi! Three people I know are interested in your book “breaking from your parents” but aren’t with English. Can I translate it for them?
Hi Beatrice,
Which language are they interested in? It is already translated into Italian, in case they are Italian speakers: https://www.amazon.com/Staccarsi-dai-propri-genitori-precedente-ebook/dp/B081B564SK
But it’s not presently translated into any other languages…
Daniel
Thank you so much!
Hi Daniel.
I love your videos and i willl make this quick, my brother has schizophrenia and I want to help him get off his medicine. What should I do? Thank you
Hi Bashir,
I did make a film on the subject: https://youtu.be/Q5EpnVdLvkU
But the main thing is that it all really has to be under the control of your brother. Does he want to come off his eds? Basically, I think he should do a lot of reading and studying of the subject himself. It’s good that you’re studying it too, but more important that he learns a LOT about it himself.
Here are two good resources for him/you: https://willhall.net/comingoffmeds/
https://www.theinnercompass.org/
Wishing you both the best!
Daniel
Hi, Could you leave a list of good etichal services and therapists available?
Hi Beatrice,
Unfortunately I don’t have such a list. I’m pretty much out of the loop in terms of good psychology or healing services available… Pretty much I advocate for self-therapy….
All the best to you!
Daniel
I have searched but cannot find anywhere you talk about repressed memories. I do believe I have some.
My doctor believes I have PTSD and wants me to go back to therapy. I don’t necessarily think I need to dredge every memory out of myself, but I am not getting better on my own. I feel a huge amount of something being held back like a volcano.
Can you provide links to any of your content in context of memory?
Hi Elizabeth,
How’s this? : https://youtu.be/BT3EnBODeUw
all the best,
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I’d like to think I’m becoming conscious. I’m learning how to heal my traumas and really feel my feelings, and it’s great, I feel great, I feel more of my self. But there’s an issue: I’m pretty young, in my first few years of college, and it’s difficult to get away from “abusers”, however mild they may be. It is extremely overwhelming at times. In addition, when I attempt to drift away or set boundaries, I am met with a lot of push back, and eventually being violated becomes the norm again, and I have to try all over again to gain that mutual respect. (I almost wish I had woken up a few years later than I did)
I wish to ask if you have any advice or wisdom in this subject. More specifically, how do I “surrender” to their game without breaking my own self respect? Or, do I just need to accept the suffering until I can become fully independent?
Hi Sean,
I’m not sure if I have specific advice, but maybe one or more of my self-therapy videos will resonate with you?
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a therapist early in my career and already questioning my career for many reasons. I have watched your “Why I Quit Being a Therapist” video many times, as I find your thoughts to be so validating.
I’m wondering if you have any advice to young therapists? What therapeutic approaches would you recommend training in?
I’m also wondering specifically what you think about Internal Family Systems and the whole idea of our minds being made of multiple parts.
Any of your thoughts would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi JV,
I created a playlist on my YouTube channel about my videos on psychotherapy, and I think a number of them might be quite useful to newer psychotherapists…
Here’s a link to it: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTiyUtDGwvzc9YjcM3K9sdMG
About IFS specifically, I’m copying this from a reply I write elsewhere about IFS:
I’ve been asked about IFS a lot and I just searched through comments on my Youtube channel and found three times I replied about it.
Here’s what I wrote:
1) IFS (from what I’ve seen) has a lot of overlap with my point of view, but I’m still not a fan of any school of therapy. But IFS certainly seems better than most!! Daniel
2) I know some things about IFS and I’ve met Dick Schwartz. I think there’s a lot of overlap between the IFS point of view and my own. I just am not a big fan of giving a new therapy school a label and a name. I was never much into the labels of any therapy schools.
3) From the bits and pieces I know I’d say IFS is pretty good. But I know some pretty bad (even disturbed) IFS therapists! In my experience, I focus less on the therapy school than the inner quality of the therapist.
All the best!
Daniel
Hi,
I was watching your video about the psychology of acting out, and you claimed that every form of acting out, such as bullying or any other behavior that can be traumatic, is a compensation for one’s past traumatic experiences.
Therefore, my question is: do you have any theory about how it all started? If everyone acts out because they were traumatized before, who started it? Does it naturally stem from evolution and the animal family system and was then spread?
Hi Gosia,
Well…I’d say it began with emotionally neglectful parenting, somewhere along the way…
But this subject is definitely worth a lot of thinking.
Maybe I’ll make a video about it.
Thanks!
Daniel
I would like to see you make a video or write a blogpost where you flesh out and try to explain concepts such as the different defense mechanisms (projection, projective identification, reaction formation, etc.), the repetition compulsion, what it means to be violated or abused as a child, etc. from your own perspective.
Alternatively, if you know of any other sources that explain these concepts to your satisfaction, I would like you to link them here.
Thanks a lot for your work !
Hi Prakash,
Hope this video I made helps: https://youtu.be/1HsBW1V5a48
And I talk a lot about the repetition compulsion in various videos…but I just can’t remember quite where…
Daniel
Hey Danial, Hope you’re doing well you lovely human.
I’ve been thinking about internal family systems (IFS). I’m not sure if you heard of it. I’d love to hear your take on it.
I would also love to hear your take on IFS Daniel!
Hi Julianna,
I’ve been asked about IFS a lot and I just searched through comments on my Youtube channel and found three times I replied about it.
Here’s what I wrote:
1). IFS (from what I’ve seen) has a lot of overlap with my point of view, but I’m still not a fan of any school of therapy. But IFS certainly seems better than most!! Daniel
2) I know some things about IFS and I’ve met Dick Schwartz. I think there’s a lot of overlap between the IFS point of view and my own. I just am not a big fan of giving a new therapy school a label and a name. I was never much into the labels of any therapy schools.
3) From the bits and pieces I know I’d say IFS is pretty good. But I know some pretty bad (even disturbed) IFS therapists! In my experience, I focus less on the therapy school than the inner quality of the therapist.
All the best!
Daniel
I would also love to hear your thoughts about IFS and the popularity it has gained in recent years.
Thanks!
Hello Daniel. Your videos really helping me. Make me awake about my past. Thank you so much for them.They are really life saving.Make me feel understood. But I have really big adult traumas.Big part of them are results of childhood traumas. Sometimes I get stuck with them and everything gets so messy. Everything gets so hard and complicated. Do you have any thoughts on this subject? Can you make an episode about traumas happened adultdhood result of the childhood traumas? Again thank you so much for your sharing and caring approach.Wish you the best.
Hi Daniel,
In some of your videos, you discuss in your role of as a therapist that you made sure to help your clients see what is happening in the relationship that is helpful and render yourself obsolete. I was wondering if you could make a video discussing on how you talk about and prepare your clients for self-therapy during therapy. Or just what you provide as guidelines for good therapeutic work with what you know now in your healing journey.
Regards,
Jonathan
Hello,
I have watched a lot of your videos and found yourideas interesting, though I wonder if they apply to me and my life. I would like to hear your thoughts on this, and advice you may have for me.
I do believe I have been harmed to some extent by my parents, especially by my mother, especially in childhood, but leading all the way up to right now (I am currently in my early, twenties).
This harm may have lead to me developing lying (to others and to myself; about things that happened to me or things that I did, typically to make myself ‘look better’/’seem like an innocent victim’, etc.), cheating, stealing, addictions(pornography, food bingeing, sleeping to avoid things, watching YouTube videos, including your own) and suicidality (pervasive and persistent suicidal ideation and some flimsy attempts since at least when I was in 11th grade and preparing for college entrance exams, but which began in around 9th grade)
but to say that I have been an entirely innocent little child is far from true. Today, I understand all the above vices in me as some or the other kind of defense, ‘protecting’ me from some other real or perceived threat, but harming me and others more in the process. But there have indeed been times when I realize I am doing the wrong thing (even if I don’t think there is some very serious threat I am defending myself from…. openly admitting to my parents that I spent excessive amounts of their money on buying 2 pizzas to binge on in a day will not kill me. if nothing, their anger upon hearing this is reasonable and ‘should help me be more accountable to myself and to them about the behaviors I engage in)
I am far from innocent. Sometimes I do feel that my parents really didn’t harm me as much as other people’s parents harmed them, because I still seem to keep some power in me, I still manipulate my parents (who, no matter how much I may dislike them, I have to respect, least because they are the ones supporting me financially at this point) and other people a lot….
I have committed crimes of my own (not going into details on this, except that i have never been convicted of anything but I do believe I have done some very wrong things to other people). I do paint myself innocent to myself by ignoring that I am not studying in suniversity, already have delayed my graduation by a year and am sending days addicted to youtube and food bingeing, and not applying for jobs and studying, all while fantasizing about committing suicide in various ways.
how do I reconcile these two things (I developed addiction as a dissociation tactic, to numb myself from intense negative emotions and I now don’t do any work at all, I just want to lie down and rot and keep eating pizzas or chocolates until my teeth rot, watch youtube until my brain is fried, all the while not thinking about who has to pay for this)
How do I moderate negative feelings, not go entirely on on end of ‘you are a manipulative, selfish, indulgent, degenerate, waste of a youth, do the world a favour and kill yourself, you deserve a life sentence or a death sentence’ followed by immersing back into the same addictions in the sense of ‘My name is Prakash and I am an alcoholic, so I shall drink till I black out tonight’, a kind of being harsh on myself but also keeping myself stuck in the addiction/dissociation (self-cruelty) and ‘you were harmed and have been stuck in a chronic giving up cycle that you didn’t realise for a while, and are still at a loss over how to break from it, you didn’t really realise why you were doing some of the things you were doing, and deep down you aren’t someone who wants to hurt others’ followed by immersing back into the same addictions (self complacency)…. how do I balance this complacency and this cruelty, both of which I believe are true….
How do I do all this while studying, applying for a job and learning the relevant skills ? related question, how do I grieve while working, studying, etc. ?
I think I am generally asking about how to be accountable to myself after years of lying to myself, generally being ‘shameless’ and not taking any responsibility….
——————————————-
I appreciate your advice and thank you for reading this far.
Regards,
Prakash
Hi Prakash,
I am in my early 20’s and also still financially dependent on my abusive parents (they pay for my college expenses, medical expenses, insurance, all of the “big” things- but i have started working this semester to slowly change this)
I could offer a few words of advice:
First, on addiction: Have you tried any 12 step fellowships? These are free, online and in-person communities for addictions, and they exist for technology, food, alcohol, and many other things. I was in a 12 step community for technology, and it really helped me move up in life. However, I think 12 step communities are also very close-minded and unwelcoming of individual thought, so be careful. They helped me break out of major addiction and isolation, but they will push the idea that you need to stay in the community forever in order to stay sober, but I disagree. All this beind said, they are an invaluable resource. There is also Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Parents, but I found it more frustrating than helpful. However, these things exist and are out there.
Second, you may have spent their money frivously, and avoided responsibility for your life in major ways. But that isn’t the same as suffering abuse at the hands of parents, who are people in power. You’ve caused harm to yourself and others, but that doesn’t make you worthless, evil, or hopeless. It doesn’t make you a bad person or an anomoly- It is normal. You are hurt, so you hurt others. However, you’re doing a miraculous thing by deciding to break out of these unhealthy patterns and learned behaviors and want more for yourself. That is admirable.
Trauma and suffering from abusive parents, in the past and present, naturally makes us self destructive and impairs our ability to handle life. I have struggled to regulate my emotions and not act out in various ways- I am just now becoming a relatively emotionally stable person, that doesn’t go crying to my ex or to the Internet in destructive ways when things are not going well. It takes time, you’re not alone, and you’re worth it- life is worth it.
Hi Riya,
Thanks for your reply. I take it you’re living in India too ?
honestly, I don’t even know if I want to or am trying to get better. I am simply avoiding doing work, sleeping on deadlines, and not studying, and I want to to die then because what else to do…. otherwise im watching youtube for 20hours a day and bingeing on junk poison food.
i havent tried 12 step programs. part of me does wonder if they will help. because no one can come to my room and make me do things, and without the healthier thing of study and applying for jobs to distract me, this idle mind will turn into a devils workshop of addictions. But I am avoiding doing work so ..
sometimes it even feels wrong to say my parent were abusive, because I too was oppositional, and rebellious, aggressive in my own right since childhood. maybe I harmed them just as much as they harmed me ?
even looking at daniel mackler’s youtube videos, Ifear that if he, in spite of all of his journey, is only partially healed from his traumas and has a job that not everyone can have (like this interesting mix of therapist, filmmaker, idk what he does now for living), then will I ever be able to work in this life ? you ether ave to be the first or the best to be successful. daniel and many others are already the first to talk about childhoood trauma and healing. i am sure I am not very likely to be the best.
what do I do.
idk. really feels like I should just .
this will ever be solved. how do I do it ? how do I keep in control, not avoid my feelings, etc?
Hey Daniel. I was wondering if you could do a video in regards to Trauma healing with Lyrics creation / Poetry? I’ve talked with my psychologist and she said that writing lyrics can help with recovery. I have been writing lyrics for a while for myself to have a place to ”complain” but when I started to write about my issues in regards to porn addiction after repeatedly doing the same mistake I broke down. It seems like putting things on paper / words does something to you.
Thanks for the idea! Wishing you the best.
Daniel
Daniel could you make a video about euthanasia for mental health conditions in places like canada? Best wishes.
Hi DJ,
Thanks for the idea!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Thank you for your generosity for making available your wonderful and extremely helpful website and youtube channel. There are few resources available of this high quality. Please keep going!!!
There are more resources for beginning and continuing for a while in healing than there are for persevering for 20-40 years and, hopefully, even finishing. Would you please consider making some videos or writing some writings specifically about subjects relating to advancing as far as possible or even finishing the self-therapy process?
You are now in the 25th year of your self-therapy process, is that correct? What are you doing now to heal more? Internally, is there anything you can share about what is happening in your self-therapy process during this year? Are you recovering more traumas? What are you feeling? What would a check-in be like for you? Is there anything different for you now than 5, 10, 15, or 20 years ago?
Would it be useful to make videos about these any of these subjects:
weekly, monthly, annual, decennial check-ins going forward
decennial recaps retrospectively:
1st decade
2nd decade
3rd decade so far
independent of such arbitrary time periods as years and decades, were there disctint phases for you, eg, first discovering healing? How would you characterize your current phase?
Do you know any people who are in their 4th decade of active self-therapy? This is possible now because the helpful resources began to be published in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Without revealing any confidential information, is there anything you can share about what they are doing to continue to heal? Are they (re-)discovering new old traumas [sic] still?
What are your thoughts looking forward, persevering until you finish self-therapy? What do you now think the rest of your process will be like?
Thank you,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
Thanks for the ideas! I appreciate it and I’ll put it in my list of potential videos to make. Sending you warm greetings
Daniel
2 more occurred to me:
Do you find it helpful, in your current stage of healing, to periodically re-read Alice Miller’s books or any other books, articles, videos, etc.?
Do you know anybody whom you truly think has completed their self-therapy process? Is there anything that you could share about them that would be helpful to others?
Looking forward to your future videos!
Thank you, again.
Something about hearingof the self-therapy process as going for decades long spans of time makes me happy. Like life only getting better as we age. Thanks for bringing up the topic Ryan.
Hi Daniel,
In one of your videos from years ago, I remember you wanted to start a therapy school named “Institute for the Rare Soul”, but could not find people who really connected to their own healing process. As an intern clinician who shares many perspectives about healing and is critical about many aspects of psychiatry and psychotherapy with you, I wanted to know how you today relate to that name and the idea of such a school.
With the recent paradigm shift from transpersonal psychology, psychedelic therapy, and modern perspectives on healing trauma, focused on assisting people through their own individual healing journeys rather than being an expert, do you think such developments fit in to your school of therapy? I rather think so, as I see things such as Holotropic Breathwork, art therapy, and carefully used psychedelic therapy have the ability to help individuals understand who they really are, what they’ve been through, and who they would like to be, and start/further engage them in their own healing journeys.
BTW, your ahayausca video was immensly insightful. I have seen the parental rescue fantasy take the form of trying to take psychedelics as a cure. But, I think in a really healthy therapuetic relationship, when one is already engaging with their healing process, I see it as a powerful adjunct to one’s healing journey, as its really a representative of your psychological processes, experiences, and beliefs. What comes up can be faced without dissociation and processed, with some amazingly good results from research. Its in that context that I ask the above question.
Warm Regards,
Jonathan
Hello Daniel,
Thank you for being brave and giving others the power to be. I would like to bring the subject of domestic violence and why it is so common for women? It actually happened to me and is still happening. How do we forgive ourselves for letting someone treat us like that?
I know you are getting a lot of questions but I would greatly appreciate your answer,
Take care ❤️
I am not Daniel, but I thought to reply to you here as a person who knows what you are talking about (and a woman). I have also been in abusive relationships – and have recently been discharged / let go / discarded by my abuser. I think it is a repetition compulsion – trying to understand childhood trauma. I was not physically abused as a child, but I was raised by two fairly narcissistic parents, and I basically had no emotional connection to my father, who was emotionally shut down. So I think I am attracted to abusers because they mirror the dynamic from my childhood – I am trying to get close to a messed up person, a person who’s not really emotionally available. I keep on banging on his window but he’s so traumatised by his own childhood trauma that it’s like he’s not even there. And when my banging starts getting too much he starts becoming abusive to protect himself from my attempts to break down his defensive walls.
Because that’s the emotional patterning I had for 20 years in my family of origin, I believe that’s the reason why I am attracted to abusers, and when they start abusing me, I don’t leave, I try and fix them through my love. Which doesn’t work. I think the only the that can work for us is healing ourselves so we are no longer attracted to this kind of relational dynamic.
So, that’s my understanding.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the book “Why does he do that? In the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft, but I think it answers those questions fairly well. Spoiler alert: it has to do with societal norms and lack of acknowledgment of abuse and the entitlement that stands behind it. (Instead, society largely excuses abuse, so do therapists.) Another great book is “The gift of fear” by Gavin de Becker. It is not about abuse but it illustrates how we, especially women, have been conditioned to not trust our gut and instead give people the benefit of the doubt, basically gaslight ourselves. But this book doesn’t even use the term “gaslight”, I believe, as it’s too old. (Meaning it has nothing to do with the current trend of labelling everyone narcissistic.)
Hi Daniel,
I just wanted to quickly thank you for what you do. I stumbled upon your youtube channel in a moment when I really needed it.
I have been in an uphill battle for as long as I remember and I’m still trying to figure out myself. But this is the first time anything could help me connect the dots that I have so far. Gave me new questions to ask myself to find answers I didn’t know were within me.
Journaling always confused me before, but I might try my hand at it again with a different perspective.
Anyway, thank you very much for sharing your points of view. Really helped me to figure out some things and pay attention to the real-me that had been buried for a very very long time.
Hi Daniel, I’ve been following your work over the pandemic and your channel is in alignment with my values. I wanted to let you know that my mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a decade ago, which turned my life upside down for the ten years and led me to my passion for mental health and healing work. Today, she’s healed herself holistically with my support and not big pharma. It was her soul journey that I had to detach from, the co-dependency. I read somewhere that schizophrenia is just unresolved childhood memories and it feels as if her soul knew what it needed to do, without the help of the community mental health system which does not cure people. Thank you for all of your videos, your channel gave me hope in very dark times.
Thank you!
Hello Daniel.
A year ago you made a video on politics and how it relates to unresolved childhood trauma. You analyzed this relation using two examples of actual politicians, and I couldn’t agree more with this analysis. But I think this goes beyond the people in position of some kind of political power, this also strongly relates to regular people, who are obsessed with politics, which to be honest – are a big chunk of population now.
Politics is an amazing tool for immature people to not look within self and to delegate any problem or discomfort they have to external factors. They might say that their life is miserable due to the fact that the politician X is in power right now, instead of their preferred politician Y.
This may be anecdotal, but each and every time I conversed with people that were deeply invested in following politics, they seemed reaaaally uncomfortable when I mentioned anything that may touch the subject of the importance of understanding own feelings, emotions and studying own family system. The path of the discussion pretty much always was quickly steered into a shallow political issue.
This observation is interesting to me, since it almost checks out every time, and the fact that the world has been infested with a plague of politics, meaning pretty much every thing is forcefully attached to politics in some way, this is a good indicator of how screwed the whole society might be.
Greetings from Poland,
Bartosz
Thank you!
Hello Daniel,
I was wondering if you have ever heard of the term “the identified patient”? It’s like a psychological scapegoat within a family system. It would be great to hear your insight on this.
Hi Aris,
I also think it is a good concept. I think I’ve mentioned it in some of my videos over the years, though I can’t remember. I definitely used that term and that concept in my work as a therapist. I think it is very relevant. Daniel
Thank you Daniel!
Hi Daniel,
What are your thoughts on bipolar disorder?
Best,
K
I actually made a video on the subject:
Critique of Bipolar Disorder — Thoughts from a Former Psychotherapist
https://youtu.be/KmnncunImXc
Hey Daniel,
Have you ever read “The Art of Loving” by Eric Fromm?
(Personally it’s the book that in retrospect jumpstarted my healing journey)
haven’t read it in a long while but i remember that there are some good things in it
Also, as a little bit of trivia, the author married Frieda Reichmann who was a therapist of one of your interviewees in your movie “Take these broken wings”.
Hi Roman,
I did read it years ago. I found it interesting. I also wrote a long article about Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, almost 20 years ago, and it’s on this website: https://wildtruth.net/frieda-fromm-reichmann/
The sad thing that I found is it actually she was Erich Fromm’s therapist, so basically she molested her own patient… Very sad.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Finally got around to reading the whole article and it was eye opening to say the least.
Not just the abuse of power and molestation of Erich Fromm, but that in general i found many similarities between her and my mother. On its own the comparison gives some hope and clarity for healing grief.
So thank you.
Roman.