My name is Daniel Mackler and I am a musician, filmmaker, Youtuber, and writer based in New York. I also worked for ten years as a psychotherapist in New York, though I ended my therapy practice in 2010. My creative work focuses on the destruction of our natural environment and the causes, consequences, and significance of childhood trauma. I see childhood trauma as r
anging from the extreme, which is common, to the mild, which is so much more common that few even notice it at all, much less call it by its proper name. I view the norm in our culture as being highly traumatized and I view the average, and even above-average, childhood as being extremely traumatic – and the average parent as lacking both awareness of this and deep empathy for the child.
I see our world growing more pathological, confused, polluted, overpopulated, and disturbed by the day – and I feel that to stand by and say nothing while we destroy our planet is, at the least, irresponsible. Yet I write with great hope – both for individual healing and for the collective healing of our world. I seek to offer a new perspective – on relationships, on manifesting the best of ourselves, on the potential value of celibacy, on parenting, on the pathology of the family system, and on the future of our species.
Of note: I recently made a page for older comments from this welcome page to my website, because the hundreds or perhaps thousands of comments were making this page terribly slow to open!!
Hello Daniel.
First of all I’d like to thank you for doing what you’re doing. In a time that becomes more focused on diagnosis, prescription drugs and CBT by the day (at least – here in Sweden) it’s nice to have a voice of reason to fall back on. I’ve recently gone through abusive therapy number 4 and I can’t express in words just how much your content has helped me. Even such a seemingly trivial thing as listening to your songs on repeat on Spotify while laughing at the absurdity of the mental health field with a friend has made a difference!
I have a question, regarding grief. It’s more of a personal one than a strict theoretical one, I hope you don’t mind; I went through my latest bout of traumatization in May this year. I’ve been living with more or less acute stress ever since and other things in my life has been affected as a result of this, which had led to even more stress. Initially, I tried to use my regular vagus nerve exercises that always worked like a charm on my poor nervous system, but for some reason it only managed to make it worse that time. I took a break from them and now, when my circumstances have mostly improved, I decided to try them again. After an hour or so of doing it I broke down crying. Longer than I’ve ever cried in my life (and I’ve begun my fourth decade on this Earth), with the help of a friend it managed to subside after about two and a half hours! I tried it again yesterday and the crying started again.
I sort of have a hunch that I’m on the right track, that grief is finally beginning to show itself? The problem is that it’s absolutely awful and painful, which I guess it’s supposed to be. But I don’t like it and it feels like I now have to choose between a hyperaroused nervous system and crying for hours and emotionally, I don’t know which I prefer. As a result, I’m now extremely reluctant to do my vagus exercises, at the same time, my very goal has been grieving! Is there a way to let it out more gently? Is there something I can do to ease the torment for myself? Is there a right and a wrong time to grieve?
Realized that was a lot of questions, pardon in advance. 🙂
Best regards,
Cat
Hi Cat,
Hmm, I’m not sure what to say!!! My gut vibe is that only you can have the answer to this — and that maybe taking a step back, or trying to find a way to take a step back, can give you some perspective on what is best for you. Maybe journaling about it??
My personal thought is this, from my own experience: yes, grieving and healing is good and has been good for me and has ultimately been the only thing that saves my life, but not at the cost of driving myself nuts or ruining my health!!! So– all things in moderation–
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Your video delving into the world of the highly gifted individual, Blind Tom, struck a profound chord with me. My venture into university at a tender age has brought about a peculiar sense of isolation, possibly rooted in severe past physical and emotional traumas from various people. Despite seeking solace through therapy and encountering adverse effects from psychiatry, I find myself drawn to exploring dissociation as a coping mechanism.
Approaching my 19th birthday while gearing up for a Ph.D., I can’t help but ponder how highly gifted individuals navigate burnout without resorting to dissociation. It prompts me to wonder if their exceptional output might be intertwined with elements of dissociation. Personally, I don’t know how long I can keep achieving things since, what’s the point? Doctors used to say I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Yet, I can no longer, unfortunately, trust mental health services. I am achieving things out of habit, but I can easily derail my life. Have you ever felt this way?
Moreover, I’m aware of the profound isolation stemming not just from personal battles but also from the broader struggle against societal injustices. I firmly believe that you, your subscribers, your advocates, and I stand united as allies in the journey of embracing our uniqueness and humanity. Your content has been instrumental in fostering this sense of camaraderie and understanding. Please don’t forget about all of your allies.
And take care of yourself, anyone who is reading this.
Sincerely,
just a European girl who trully appreciates your work
Thanks Violet,
I appreciate your words. Hmm…you wrote: “I am achieving things out of habit, but I can easily derail my life. Have you ever felt this way?” I’m not sure I feel I can easily derail my life — but I definitely feel on the border of overwhelmed from time to time!!! Those times, I need to find ways to relax more and not push myself so hard — take more breaks, spend more time with friends, get out in nature more… Sometimes I need to get off the internet more too…
I’m wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Daniel,
Excellent work you’ve done; I’ve been without contact from my folks for over four months, for the first time in 9 years. That was back when I believed in the soft “science” of clinical psychology, and was in therapy with a so-called professional. My mother first had me going to a shrink ~age 8-10; which now I look at doing that to children as something like, is abuse too strong a word?
Your work and Thomas Szasz’s, particularly “The Myth of Mental Illness”, have changed my perception of the whole industry. I also love Nietschze, and anything that disputes the latest version of the DSM haha
Hey daniel,
i noticed that i can no longer find your video “Mild Sexual Abuse of Daughters by Fathers” on youtube that you did a few years ago. did you delete it or made it private?
personally, as part of the other videos you made about incest, it was quite profound and a friend of mine found it quite eye opening in regards of her relationship with her father.
Hi Roman,
I took it down because I was getting overwhelmed with the negative comments, the attacks. I just didn’t have the energy for it — it was draining me. Part of me would really like to put it up, because I stand by what I said, but part of me just feels I have my limits 🙁 🙁
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I would be interested to watch this video, do you have a private link to it?
No, I don’t have a private link at this point…
Daniel
Hi daniel, i’m really sorry to hear that. This is an unfortunate downside of reaching so many people with a powerful message. A lot of YouTube creators deal with way too much negativity and some indeed stop because of attacks and threats (which are scary).
But what about disabling comments on this video? It’s not perfect but can work. Or maybe a blog post that summarizes the key ideas with no option of commenting? I’m suggesting these because I also stand by your ideas and think it applies also for mothers and sons (at least somewhat with my mother).
But obviously do what is best for you before anything else.
Thanks, roman.
Hi Roman,
Thanks for the idea. The only problem with disabling comments is that the people who would leave helpful and insightful comments don’t get to leave them, and the people who would leave the nasty comments just go to other videos and leave them them there… Basically, for now I just feel safer leaving the video down. But I will keep thinking about putting it back up!!! I recognize that it’s a shame to keep a video private if it has the possibility to help people… I wish I had more super-strength!!!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I am also very interested in the video. I have only discovered your work quite recently but have already read one of your books and watched a lot of your content. This video sounds like it could help me on my journey too. If you have an unlisted link, I would be very interested in viewing it.
Kind regards,
Natasha
Thanks Tash. I don’t have a private link at this point. I’m sorry about that…
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I’m hoping you will read this message so I’ll keep it as short as I can. I found you a few months ago and your work has helped me put things together. I had a first episode of psychosis and I’ve been through the mental health system, meds, diagnosis and everything. I have many bad things to say about it but I won’t do it here as you already point it out really well in your videos.
My main point of this comment is that I think my psychosis happened as a consequence of me not being emotionally independed from my mother. I am 28yo man and I think that what I experienced emotionally during what they label as psychosis was my first ever experience that did not involve my mother. Psychosis served a function for me to become an independed person emotionally as it pulled me away from her.
My mother is a nice person, really positive, nurturing, encouraging and knows how to listen but I think that she lives through her children. Not in a narcissistic way or not even rellying on her children on the surface but she helps us with life’s challenges by providing advice and emotional support. Little did I know that underneath this her helping us (oh and btw she is a therapist and she does therapy with her kids) is a dynamic of her needing to be in a position where she feels like she is the person helping us but unconciously she keeps us stuck to herself so she will never be alone. This dynamic is really challenging to unpack as the trauma is not that obvious but I can see I struggle with independence, money and relying too much on other people for approval and support.
I’ve watched almost all of your videos but I haven’t seen you mention emotional enmeshment or covert incest or anything like that. I read Alice Millers books but do you have any other suggestions on the dynamics where there is enmeshment and no clear boundries between family members.
Thanks in advance.
Hi Jean,
Greetings! Hmm, I guess I didn’t use the words “emotional enmeshment” or “covert incest,” but I would say I cover, or at least touch on, these topics in my videos on breaking from parents and also sexual abuse of sons by mothers… Also, one of the “slogans” in my book “from trauma to enlightenment” is “most incest never involves physical touch…” As for suggestions, I’m not sure exactly what to say, though some of things you described your mother doing don’t sound healthy or nice at all….especially doing therapy on her own children. Definitely a big no-no — can be VERY harmful… There’s a famous therapist who did that with her kids (I believed I referred to her in why book “Toward Truth”), and her name is Melanie Klein. If my memory is correct, her son ended up killing himself and her daughter publicly broke from her mother and excoriated her afterward. Yet Melanie Klein is still famous and revered today… What does that say about our world??? I’m wishing you the best! Daniel
Thank you for your answer Daniel, you are a treasure! 🙂
Hi Daniel! I’m 20, still pretty new to psychology, self exploration and meditation. I’ve been watching a few of your videos, and what you’re saying and talking about resonates with me a lot. I wanted to ask about something-
What do you define Trauma as?
Looking back at my childhood, I can say with confidence that I was never physically or sexually assaulted by anyone in any way. But, when I look at my current life, the depression I struggled with for a while, and just generally the relationships I’ve been in recently, I can get the feeling that something just isnt right. I feel like I am not very perceptive of my own emotions or good at journaling.
But, I also can’t think of any particular events growing up that may have shaped my worldview as it is now. I’ve never gone through anything that is super traumatic, so I’m not sure what to look for in my journaling process. How do I know what is and isn’t traumatic? Can something be emotionally traumatic so that part of your brain learns lessons that make it suffer more in life and never be able to really move on?
And, I know this is a bit long and I’m rambling, but what should I start with when journaling and learning to self reflect?
Hi Avery,
I have a video in which I define what I consider to be the eight types of psychological trauma: https://youtu.be/qD3PGGvASrI
Maybe you’d find this useful…
I also have a self-therapy book on this website that I sell for $5 — it’s sort of a journaling guide, if you’re interested… (It’s under the book section of this website.)
Also, on my Youtube channel, I have a few videos on journaling — you might find them useful if you search for “journal” or “journaling” there.
Wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Thank you so much! I honestly didnt even expect you to reply to me! I will check these out shortly
Hi, Daniel! Love all your videos 🙂 I was wondering if you are able to record more videos outside? I remember watching one and it was incredibly relaxing. Maybe this is hard now during winter, but I was hoping for something closer to summertime.
Hi Evan,
I wish I could record outside — but I am living in New York City now…and have no access to outside… I often barely even have a place to record inside!!! Daniel
hi. I just discovered you about three days ago on YouTube. I have been searching for you for 68-69 years (Sept 16, 70th BD). I am you. You are me (in so many, many, many ways.) I have never emailed anyone regarding how I was created as the person I was, and then finally became. I have WAY too much to say without writing a novel (or 3). Psychiatrists, therapists, case workers, psychologists and very close personal friends, I have had. However, I never found a person that could begin to understand the 24/7 fear, anxiety, guilt and manipulation that molded me into an alcohol and drug-abusing, self-loathing, self-destructive, relationship-destroying borderline sociopathic kid into an alcohol and drug-abusing, self-loathing, self-destructive, relationship-destroying borderline sociopathic adult. I’m fairly certain that we will never have a conversation that I have been looking for, and quite honestly, I no longer need to have. I always tried to find someone or something to fix me. I finally realized I needed to fix myself. I feel extremely lucky to have done this. I do not believe in religion or god thing but I have to say “thank god” I found out how, why, when and where I came from. None of the experts could know what it took 17 years of my childhood to create. Recalling Incidents or specific actions in therapy, although plentiful, was like reading a table of contents but not the book. It took 69 years to be content with myself and my life. I just wanted to tell somebody but until you, there was nobody to tell. I was happy as a clam and the favorite of my mother. I had two sisters and mom did not like girls. The men in our family did not like boys. Mom was put in a mental institution, paranoid schizophrenia, when I was 6 in second grade. To say my life changed, who and what it made me, could never be explained or understood until you. Both sisters taken to live with other people so I was left alone with daddy. 6’4″, 275 lbs. weightlifter, martial artist with background in psychological terror training in ww2, with narcissistic personality disorder. (how’s that) Next ten years I lived alone with dad. Im just healing at this late age and pleased to have not become a serial something. Bob
p.s. the entire story of my life is insane.
Thank you Robert! Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was just wondering, have you ever worked, or had experience with people with learning disabilities? What are your thoughts on this topic?
Best,
Greg
I just got a vasectomy today. Resting up nicely. I have no children and in 4 months will find out if I’m sterile. I think I would have made this decision without your influence, but you helped me go through with it with confidence. Thanks for that.
My question would be, what are your thoughts on adoption? I think this would be a great topic for a video as well.
Only a small percentage of men get a reversal of their vasectomy, and I will not be one of them, but I could see a very small possibility of adopting a child if I had the means and felt I was psychologically and emotionally healthy enough and with a healthy and loving partner. If that were true, in theory, wouldn’t that be preferable to a child being in foster care or maybe being assigned to unhealthy parents?
Interested in hearing your thoughts on the topic. Thanks.
Hi Brian,
Well, I did write an essay on adoption back in 2006: https://wildtruth.net/adoption-is-not-the-enlightened-way-to-have-children/
I think it covers some of my ideas on the subject, though I’d probably express them differently now…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thank you for this website and for sharing your journey and thoughts. They’ve helped me so much. I feel like I come from very different experiences compared to yours, but I think because of that, it’s actually helped me realise where I differ and where some of my denial and dissociation and distortions are in my thinking. I’m 20 and it’s come to my attention that uhhh I am very dissociated and in a lot of emotional pain that I have not quite resolved because I was and am still kind of a child BUT I NEVER REALISED IT my entire life. It’s in the zeitgeist nowadays, all the talk about the inner child. And I was diagnosed with OCD, so I was very desperate to heal and find the root of my issues, so I dutifully went about with trying to access and heal my inner child, but guess what – I couldn’t find one. It’s very difficult for me to access her. So I just want to preface with that, because I am very wounded still, and I think that can provide some context with an essay/rant I have written below, which I hope to get some of your thoughts on:
When do all animals have sex/reproduce?
When naturally the seasons are ideal and resources are plenty and there is safety and security – in their environment and in themselves (confidence in their adult abilities to survive and regulate, in order to pass these skills onto children). Experientially this comes in the form of a feeling of absolute certainty and safety (not actually true certainty, just a sense of it, which can be achieved perceptually). Plus (with bravery and the peeling away of denial) a recognition of truly feeling capable of self-regulating/maintaining life – the markings of adulthood, of being sexually mature also.
However in the modern world we have synthetic drugs (actual drugs, behavioural addictions, fancy houses, status, overabundant food, dissociative self-help books, social media ego boosters etc.) to emulate this condition in ourselves and our environments, even when the conditions are the opposite of what is ideal for reproduction. Therefore people have children in less than ideal conditions and these children are then promptly neglected by their parents who are still mentally children but don’t realise it because they are so drugged up by their perceived synthetic ‘ideal’ conditions, and so in these fake conditions they feel the need to reproduce. So these children end up sick and twisted and awful in adulthood, and it really isn’t their fault. So much of humanity has been due to this, and we therefore turn out to be exactly the same as macaques that have undergone ethically dubious, left-field, unnatural science experiments.
So no, most people are NOT their most natural selves by “being themselves” in modern society. Most of us are very much experimentally skewed macaques, because we are using our natural instincts to adapt to rapidly changing unnatural environments. We are natural in the sense that everything we do has logic and is reasonable and comes from naturally selected and evolved drives, but that does not mean, in the context of modern society, the OUTCOME is natural. What I’m saying is that it is not necessarily healthy when we reasonably, even organically, adapt to unnatural conditions. In order to revert to nature, we must seek an environment of true nature to adapt to, the order of nature to adapt to.
That’s why nature helps us orient ourselves to health and we can’t explain it but it just does. Because it revolutionises our environmental conditions, illuminates who we truly are as we now have a frame of reference in nature. And it gets rid of all the drugged up artifice of our synthetically ‘ideal’ conditions.
But the world population is plateau-ing, because not even the synthetic simulacra of reproductive conditions we have made for ourselves is truly enough to replace wholesale nature. Junk food vs whole food is both a metaphor and manifestation of this. Not even synthetic ideal conditions can sufficiently get enough people to feel the need to reproduce. This is corroborated by demographic transition theory.
Original Demographic Transition Theory (Four Stages):
Stage 1 – Pre-Industrial: In this stage, both birth rates and death rates are high. Populations tend to remain stable, with modest growth due to high birth rates compensating for high death rates.
Stage 2 – Transitional: As societies undergo industrialization, death rates begin to decline due to improved healthcare, sanitation, and food production. Birth rates, however, remain high, leading to rapid population growth.
Stage 3 – Industrial: In this stage, birth rates begin to decline as well. Economic and social changes, increased access to family planning, and greater urbanization contribute to smaller family sizes.
Stage 4 – Post-Industrial: Both birth and death rates are low, resulting in a stable or slowly growing population. Modern industrialized societies typically fall into this stage.
Stage 5: Some scholars have proposed the addition of a fifth stage in which birth rates fall below death rates, leading to population decline. This stage is often associated with advanced industrialized nations where fertility rates have dropped significantly.
So we are so dissociated, and we are so far away from nature. From Dao. I’m Chinese-Australian so maybe I just like drawing on my roots. But why does so much of our literature, philosophies, widespread core conceptions of the world, have these strange presuppositions of dichotomising humans and other animals? It’s least pronounced in science, but it still infiltrates most parts of it. But it’s most definitely in the humanities, in philosophy, in religion, in the ways that we truly make decisions as collectives. As if we aren’t motherfucking animals. Like what the fuck is truly special about us compared to other animals? We assign meaning to ourselves, and I think this reason is okay and healthy and good. But otherwise, any intellectualised or rationalised or actively argued reason to hold humans in higher esteem over any other life form is contrived and duplicitous. Because logically, nothing really makes us more special than other animals, but somehow that truth has become a taboo. And why has it become a taboo? Because we have changed our environment so much that we have literally become dissociated and amnesic to our natural homeostatic states in the natural environments we were evolved to be adapted to. So many of us are obese – a distinctly 21st Century epidemic that we’ve forgotten is the outcome of not protecting our primitive hard-wiring against overwhelmingly novel and absurd and strange environments. We are so naturally adapted to unnatural environments that we have forgotten what it was like to be adapted to natural environments, and how that original state would be very much congruent, homologous, with the states of other animals.
But we are in too deep. To try the conventional wisdom of truly returning collective society to “wilderness and nature” is foolish. Regressive primitivism is dangerous – it ignores why humans have a drive to transform our environment in the first place, how the unnatural is also ultimately natural. Primitivism hurts all of us. But also, the most natural thing is to finish up all this mess. To see this experiment through, to see self-annihilation through. To face death. We’ve had enough time playing and making in the sandbox of life. Maybe it’s time for us to finish our self-administered course of anti-human antibiotics. If we truly can’t stop climate change, even with the biggest efforts we can manage given the circumstances, then we truly can’t stop it. The culture has already caught on, right? It is what it is. We laugh about this shit. Laugh through the pain. That is natural. Then once again adaptive radiation can occur. Writing about this in a prescriptive tone is a fucking lie, because all of it is inevitable descriptively deterministic truth.
And I complain about these big issues, not because I truly fucking care. It’s because I’m suffering and so neurotic and plagued with so much guilt within my own personal life that I project that shit outwards. Because I am ultimately just another animal struggling to be healthy and homeostatic in the conditions I find myself to be in.
I would love to be optimistic. But that would be insane. I am 20 years old. My generation, all of us have tried optimism, way too young. That’s what we are taught. Because the teachers tell us about Al Gore and climate change and how it is up to us and it is our personal responsibility to change shit, since primary school. But I know all of us contend with this – this Sisyphian need to reach our ideals of optimism and effort and change and responsibility and accountability, but forever being drawn down by the gravity of nihilism and dystopia. That is my generation. Gen Z. So much anger at the older generations, at the boomers. I could write pages upon pages about why, about how the older generations essentially parentified us. To solve the issues that they created and have complexes and guilt and denial (see climate change denial like WTF) about. I know I’m generalising about people but I’m angry and I’m irrational and I’m letting myself be for now. Because these are the issues and the world we never chose to be born into, but have to accept responsibility for now, because we have no choice but to accept it, because we want to save ourselves, if not others. I am cynical. I am heartbroken. I am torn. I am isolated and separated and mentally ill. I am distracted. I am dissociated. That is normal but not natural. I don’t know what to do. I am barely able to stop myself from hurting others because I am so wounded myself. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to heal, but I’m at the very early stages, if I can even say that. I have OCD, I have anger issues. I don’t know what to do. But maybe secretly I do. So I’ll just keep going. I just need a little bit of hope.
So I guess my ideas are a bit all over the place, but… thoughts?
Thank you!
Mary
Hello Daniel Mackler,
In your video about Dementia, you mention people having a lifestyle of forgetting what happened to them. Now I don’t know, but I get the sense that you don’t mean actually forgetting the events of their life (although it could end up like that?), but more forgetting the experience, or the emotional truth of their life? Is there anyplace you’ve described this distinction more? I know in Alice Millers books she talks about people laughing off their traumas, or acting like they don’t matter, and almost congratulating themselves for that attitude. What’s the difference between remembering in a dispassionate way, and truly remembering? See, I have trouble finding the right words to even ask.
Hi Jack,
Hmm, good question. Perhaps people forget their childhood history of having been mistreated or neglected, and also forget the ways in which they acted out that mistreatment or neglect on others… Or perhaps people remember certain parts of it and forget others… But I think blocking out their emotions and their emotional history and their emotional responses is part of it.
Daniel
Good afternoon Daniel,
Thank for for your videos on YouTube. It is nice to hear someone talk as you do. I understand that you are very busy, but maybe if you have some videos that could pount me in the right direction I would appreciate it. I’m going to just say some stuff about myself and see if it rings any bells for you. I have been trying to figure out myself for over half of my life. I have about a handful of memories from when I was 6-7 years old and before that, none. I know this because I was almost 7 when we moved to California from new york, and I just go off my new york memories to tell my age. I noticed around 11 to 12 when my parents split up that I was becoming less engaged at school and with friends. I seldom hung out with friends outside of school although I wished I could have. I did not hang out with anyone outside of school after 7th grade when I switched schools to go to 8th. I had friends in school still, but I did continue to do poorly and got in trouble a couple times. I remember always trying to get out of going to school even in the 1st grade. I think I went to two different schools for 1st. One for 2nd, 3rd, 4th. Another for 5th, 6th, 7th and another for 8th. I went to three different highschools from 9th-10th and ended up just getting my GED because I never went pretty much. I tried college and stopped early on. Tried again when I moved to NY with my mom and stopped early on. Tried one last time four years later and did well with a 4.0 but found I didn’t want to be what I was going to college for so I stopped that after a couple semesters. That is my school history. My relationship(friends, gf’s) history is about as messed up as that. Supposedly when I was little maybe 2-5 I always pushed kids away and was mean. I wouldn’t share and would tell them to go away and would freak out if my brother invited neighbor kids over to play with our stuff or have our snacks etc. We grew up wealthy and had everything. Besides my one friend Matt who I rode dirtbikes with and I’d hang out on weekends sometimes with, I could probably count on two hands the total times I hung out with people outside of school. I just was not good at having friends outside of school but I had friends in school, I don’t know why. My dad was never really home growing up, he was always working doing his doctor thing. If I saw him it was at about 7pm and we went to bed a little bit after. He was not hard on me and I could do no wrong. He let me do and have everything I wanted. From what I can see now, he lies often, is full of pride and I think may have some sort of issue. He even bought famous painting reproductions and would sign them as his own work. Would talk about things he knows little about in a way that would have others believe him, even if I knew he was wrong. He has no reason to lie, he went to University of Pennsylvania and then Stanford for medical school. He came from nothing, dirt floors no running water in Mexico to the U.S. and only got his citizenship in 1983. Graduated medical school in 1985 and has been doing well since. He loves to spend money and have the best of anything. To me, he makes poor financial decisions but what do I know? My mother is an alcoholic and has been my entire life. I don’t think I have any memory of her growing up when she wasn’t drinking, puking and couldn’t take me to school, fighting and yelling with my dad, or where it seemed like I was having fun around her. I remember crying a lot not wanting to be around her and wanting to go to my dad’s. My dad coached us on what to say to the psychologist so that he would win custody of us in the divorce. If I go over to her house to visit nowadays, I am usually scolded atleast a couple times for doing silly things like not putting something back exactly where it goes or putting my shoes in the wrong spot etc. She freaks out a lot. She still drinks and does gummies all the time. As for friends, I haven’t had many except for one that has lasted. His name is nick and his mom and my mom have been friends for a long time. We are also the same age. He was my friend in NY when I left and would visit CA sometimes to see me. When I came back we were still friends so I am glad to have him. I have had some work friends if I was working at a place where there are other young people but I have lost contact with them over the years and after switching jobs. It seems like I am good at making friends if I am around people like at a job, but I don’t really have friends outside of work, just like how it was in school. I’m not shy either, I have taught myself to not be shy after highschool. Then comes the relationships with girls. I never really had any luck in highschool but a couple years after, I turned out to be attractive and athletic was blessed in other areas(sorry, but I am painting a picture). I taught myself to not be shy, to have confidence and to be funny. I never had a problem hanging out with girls and it seemed like they were the only “friends” I could make and hold for an extended period of time and hang out outside of work. I was good at flirting and I see that this is probably because they were attracted to me which gave me a foot in the door and I would take the opportunity because I of course wanted a friend. These would turn into relationships if at work or school, if it was an app it could have been a relationship or just a fling. Ot all depended what the girl wanted usually. I usually always would have hung out again. My first “relationship” was with my babysitter/cook/housesitter when my dad would travel away for the week and my brother and I were alone. She was ten years older than I but I really liked her and I hung out with her all the time because she was the only person around. We ended up fooling around a couple times but nothing crazy. I became very attached and when she eventually left I was devastated. I remember being sad constantly. I acted pretty crazy and threw fits and acted out when the fun part of hanging out went away, when she said she couldn’t hang out with me like that because she had a boyfriend. The second was a pretty short one, this very attractive girl named camryn was really into me at a family reunion/benefit, we were drinking and fooled around a bit. I went back to CA after and moved back to NY a month later to be with her. The entire time it was great talking to her, but we hung out twice and, being the naive kid I was, had no idea what I was doing or took any hints. I know she wanted one thing from me but I just wanted to hang out, and I didn’t get it and she broke my heart. Again, I was deeply saddened and I remember feeling so hopeless and my heart physically hurt in intense pain. It was horrible. The next was a longer term one, maybe 2.5 years on and off. I was in school and met this girl and we would hang out to study. Eventually we hung out not to study and it started into a relationship after that. I ran into problems when I freaked out over her going to hang out with her ex and I became pretty hurt after that. We broke up and got back together a couple months later and that lasted until I moved back to CA. She wasn’t for me though, it wasn’t a good fit. When I moved back to NY again I got a job at my old work and met a girl named Hannah. She was at first very fun, energetic and outgoing and I fell for her and wanted to be with her. We hooked up on the first time hanging out. That lasted for a couple months and then I found out she was also seeing some other guy bc he was going to school for something better than I was. I was hurt, spent 3 months rebuilding and it turns out with guy cheated on her and so she came back to me and was hanging out with me for the next 7ish months. I eventually found out she hung out with some guy in her dorm room and I freaked out. I told her to leave my house and go back to her dorm but she refused, we got in a verbal fight and then she got physical and I had a restraining order put on her. She saw me a couple times during that order and I felt bad for doing it. As a side note there were about 20 other girls I hung out with for a bit in between all of this but just hookups nothing significant. I always felt like everything was my fault with her and that I needed to make her feel better. In the meanwhile about 4 months after that, I met a girl named Kristie who was the realest friend of them all. I pretty much fell in love with her immediately because I felt I had found someone like me, a misfit. I couldn’t wait to hang out with her every day and fall asleep holding her every night. But Hannah kept in touch with me and kept pulling me back, I was very torn at the time. I developed a drinking problem during the first breakup with Hannah, and after the second breakup it became worse. When I met Kristie I was drinking maybe 300 to 400ml of vodka a night. The first time I took acid with her I stopped after that for I think 6 months. When I was with Hannah and happy there was almost no need to drink, the same goes for Kristie. Kristie was great but I would make her sad when I was sad about Hannah. I didn’t think about how it made her feel. Kristie and I went on for a couple years until the last year my alcohol use had skyrocketed and I became very mean and hard to be around constantly verbally hurting her and making her feel bad. I don’t remember but she told me. I now find myself sober for the first month ever, and after about a year of telling myself I will quit every day. Kristie moved out in early July and it is October. I find myself desperately missing her and thinking of her all the time. I have never been this sad in my life. When I was with her and things were good and I wasn’t drinking I had never felt so at home, comfortable, at peace. I never had someone in my corner like her, so unconditionally loving and loyal. I put her through everything and she stuck by me hoping for me to get better. Now I am here. Sober, working out again and eating better. I still was working during all of this and still have my job. I am trying to find my hobbies again and I would like to find friends again too. My greatest wish is to give Kristie the version of me she fell in love with, the sober me. I am so sorry to have fell off the horse like I did.
Do you have any idea what might be a good path to help me? I have issues with noises as someone with autism might have but I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I am a narcissist but I don’t do a lot of the things they do. I wonder if I have borderline personality but I am not sure. I wish to not have this trust issue anymore, I would like to learn more to control my emotions and figure out how to be more “normal” socially speaking. It is a lonely life full of pain when pretty much your best friend is only there for as long as the relationship. I would like to learn to make the relationship last, and if I can, do it right with Kristie again. She is just perfect in every way I can’t even begin to tell you. I thought I was in love with the others but Kristie is something else. Thank you for your help and sorry for the long read. I am 26 now and would like to get on with my life and start being happy.
John
Hi Daniel,
I have this one problem that’s been sucking out any enjoyment from my life since a long time time now.
How do you deal with envy and jealousy?
I’m currently working full time and study part time, and moved out of my hometown I lived at my whole life a bit over a year ago. I live now in another country and use my second language in day to day life. I’d say I’m doing something I never thought I would manage to do, as I come from a small countryside place and come from quite underprivileged family with many problems. I didn’t have a good parent figure in my life, or really anyone who achieved anything, so in comparison to them I’m doing quite well.
But my problem now is the envy. I envy everything people have, and especially I envy person that’s the closest to me. My boyfriend and I literally come from two completely different backgrounds. Long story short, he comes from a wealthy family and had every single thing imaginable provided. Like, he comes from a family that buys like 30+ items during Christmas for their family of 4. Me on the other hand, I come from a poorer family where buying one more costly object or even renovating the kitchen was a luxury (kitchen is still old and gross looking btw). I have to work for all of the things I want and… it’s just hard.
I don’t want to compare myself to him, I know I should be happy about his happiness, celebrate his new comfortable job, but I just can’t. I deeply can’t enjoy any of his happiness because I’m so envious of every little thing. I don’t want to feel this way, but on the other hand, how can I not? He’s able to buy anything without saving up for it, eats two takeaways daily when I gift myself one takeaway weekly as a special treat. Stuff like that. So, how can I not feel this way? It makes complete sense why I would feel the way I do.
Please anyone, not just you Daniel. How would you cope? What can I even do to make it less painful, because it feels like I tried everything.
Thanks,
KA
Hi KA—
greetings!!! I’m totally swamped with life, but I did want to share that I made two videos on jealousy some years back. Maybe something in them applies to your situation???
https://youtu.be/gfl_KgewPeE
https://youtu.be/4ERYVJM0csE
Maybe others can jump in and share here too!!
Wishing you good things!
Daniel
Hi KA,
I just wanted to let know that I am from a household like your boyfriend’s. And shockingly, I’m on the same website asking questions about why I’m not happy with my life. Money isn’t all it made out to be, and as long as you’re happy you’re rich. I wish I grew up with less; nowadays I live like a monk basically to avoid being anything like my money and worldly possession obsessed family. I wouldn’t be jealous of anyone or think about how others grew up, I’d just try to be happy as you can with him and enjoy him for who he is now. I had every toy but my mother was an alcoholic and my father was never home. And I’m still not very happy at 26. Just don’t worry about it is what I’m trying to say because he didn’t get to choose where he was born and you didn’t get to either. But you guys can go on to make whatever future you want for yourselves and kids someday.
Hi John,
Many thanks for your response! I know money isn’t everything and even with that you can still be miserable. My boyfriend also doesn’t have it perfect despite having a lot around him, his dad was as well absent while he was growing up and his mom is/was quite mentally unstable and narcissistic. But in his case he says he’s happy, so that’s the only difference I guess.
I completely understand that no one can choose where they’re born, but I still think that coming from money gives you quite the advantage. You know, crying in a beautiful family house is just different to crying in an awful rented apartment shared with strangers. Don’t take me wrong please, I appreciate your response, but I also hear that money doesn’t matter only from people who actually have it.
Maybe money gives me such a headache because I work hard to get it and in the end I don’t even have anything from it. Also I’m incredibly exhausted both mentally and physically as the result. I’m sure if that wasn’t the case then I’d feel much better, but there’s not much I can do in my circumstances right now. I’m starting a new job next week though, so fingers crossed.
I just appreciate your honesty. That is a beautiful quality. To be conscious of one’s flaws is rare. I think that by admitting envy and jealousy in and of itself gives them less power to control you.
I myself have had wealth and poverty at various points in my life. When one has had wealth one realizes that it really isn’t that big of a deal and when one is poor one realizes it was nice to have wealth. Life is just so filled with adversity and unpredictabilities that one has to count on something other than riches for security.
Presently, I am poor, well, money poor and house rich and it feels fine. There is so much to life than money and possessions.
Hi Christine,
Thanks for your response!
Maybe I expressed myself poorly but it’s not only about “he as a toy I don’t”. He has financial security I don’t and that’s the biggest thing I envy him. It’s not so much about comfortable part of money, but about whether I’ll be able to pay for my school/bills… Well, maybe it is about comfortable part too, because I do manage to afford my rent and school paymenys, but at the end of that I have roughly 400 euro left for anything else. So including food for a whole month, medical emergencies, any small whims I might have and just anything that isn’t school/rent.
I don’t earn the money in an easy way, because the job I have is completely the opposite of what I’m comfortable with and how I would want to contribute to “society”. I just hate my job in other words, and it’s hard to do something you hate 5-6 times a week. That’s another thing I envy my boyfriend, a comfortable and well paid job. He gets to sit in his apartment for a whole day in front of a computer and earns a bunch from that, meanwhile I work a fast paced fast food job I have to unnecessarily commute to and just waste my time. It’s an exhausting job both mentally and physicality, plus there’s my crazy boss who’s trying to pay us as little as possible.
I don’t know where I’m going with this and I guess it was just a small rant? But I guess I also realized I should have a different job, hah.
Life would just be more enjoyable if I didn’t have to work a mentally draining job, then come back and have classes until 10pm, and all of that just to not be able to afford anything I really want or to save up as much as I want. That, plus dread of spending my money in a wrong way plus dreading that landlord will suddenly kick me and myflatmates out just because.
If not those things, then I would be happier. I guess.
yeah, agree that working in fast food would be horrible and glad to hear you have found other employment. I didn’t mean to make light of your seriously challenging situation.
Apologies if my comments came across as such.
You know, poverty is such a massive condition worldwide.
Some of the stats that I have seen are absolutely unbelievable. For example: 800 million individuals go hungry everyday; over 2 billion people live on 2 or less dollars every day; according to UNICEF 30,000 children die each day from poverty related issues.
Yeah poverty is everywhere and to be honest one does anything about it… Ireland for example, if you lose your housing then if a) you’re not an addict b) don’t have a child or c) you’re not an alcoholic, then the government just won’t do anything to help you. Every week there are dinners for homeless happening nearby my workplace and there’s just so many normal looking people coming… We also have this GRANNY coming in to my restaurant to hang out for hours because she’s homeless. The worst part is that she’s not dirty looking or anything, like you’d usually imagine a homeless person. So that means she became homeless only recently…
If people cared enough about helping others then world would look more normal, but we’re greedy… and until the greed exists we just won’t change. Also not teaching people empathy plays a big role, but I don’t know. It’s all just so complicated it makes me only angry!
Yes, we’ve got to counteract our lower inclination towards greed with our higher inclination towards empathy.
Hi KA!
Daniel and many other folks have offered very useful insight, perspective, and wisdom.
I hope to add to this by offering some resources and tools, as well as a bit of pragmatism that you can use right away.
PART 1
First I preface my offerings with an apology that I can only share from my Western Society, US perspective (having been born and raised here). That said my lens has been shaped by my being a witness to and consequence of my immigrant parents’ experiences. They arrived from an impoverished country and struggled in various ways to achieve stability, and to eventually learn to thrive in their own ways. They are fiscally secure though not necessarily fiscally wealthy by mainstream standards. My hope tinged fear is that no major economic upheavals unfold across their final decades (they’re in their 70s) to dissolve this stability and security. Seeing as, if that were to occur their quality of life and care in during their peak elder years would evaporate, and unfortunately my own fiscal & professional reality offers none of the security and stability that they’ve created. Not for lack of trying, I’m still working at that for myself despite various twists and turns in my life circumstances (health, professional, personal challenges, surprises, and disappointments).
The reality is that my parents cannot pass on their own stability and security to myself or my siblings. One reason for this is that the geographic locations where they’ve been able to reap the fruits of their decades of labor are a total mismatch for my being able to make the most of my peak earning and working years in my line of work. (This might change slightly with remote work being more accepted, but I’ll always require strong stabile solid internet service and connectivity, and likely also a major airport hub nearby wouldn’t hurt. These pre-determine my choices of where to live and study though I know a rural environment would be ideal for my health and well being.) Another reason is the excruciating cost burdens and parameters for access to medical care in a “broken” national approach to health policies and the industries that lord over what is possible and what isn’t. The last of the major reasons is that though my parents “made it” compared to so many of their compatriots back home, and compared to many who immigrated alongside them, everyone who took on this adventure paid social-cultural , familial, & personal-developmental costs, plus mental health or physical health or both costs at some point. Those costs have consequences that play out across a lifetime. And this costs and its consequence is that though my parents figured out how to become fiscally savvy, responsible, and astute with what they’ve generated, yet they never learned how to create, manage, and grow wealth from that. So though they “made it” and it will hopefully cover their needs and basic desires to support and share in small one-off ways with extended family or those less fortunate back home across their remaining lifetimes, they haven’t “made it” in a way that is transformative. Their efforts will die with them.
I used to be a very very very angry teen, and twenty something, because I sensed and knew this even before I could articulate it, or understand all the reasons why and how. (Decades later, and only most recently now in my forties have I been able to begin reckoning with and validating this reality.) In any case this anger in part propelled me through my education and the professional chances that have advance me forward and poised me to begin to build something lasting for myself and that I hope unlike my parents I will be able to deliberately redirect wealth through (AND gather others to teach better than I ever could wealth creation, management, and transmission).
I share all this to say. You might be confusing your envy and jealousy with anger, or it could all be mixed up together in a lovely ménage a trios. :). Like anger often reveals other hurts and feelings beneath it, perhaps your envy and jealousy have secrets to tell you. Befriend yourself, be gentle and patient. Be willing to take on the role of re-parenting yourself as you now can in ways your elders were and maybe are still not able to now. In doing so you will find a wellspring of appreciation, gratitude, respect, and pride in and for your own experiences.
PART 2
One tool that might help, cultivating a mindfulness meditation practice. I study and practice this and am hoping to deepen my understanding of offering this as a tool from a trauma-informed and sensitive approach. Not enough teachers or programs are out there that provide this in my opinion. The power of being aware of what’s going on with you letting it pass and bring your attention back to where you wish to place it is powerful. You are not practicing this to change, suppress, or bypass, what you feel or what you are experiencing. You practice to bring curiosity and a willingness to simply notice, and be a witness to yourself. In witnessing your thoughts, your emotions, and everything about you with gentleness, precision, and a willingness to let go, you find that great compassion and kindness arises. And in being able to give this to yourself, you’ll find it easier and easier to extend it to those around you. Give yourself a few months of practicing this before taking on anything else that I offer below.
The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness https://a.co/d/7jVnUp0
How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind https://a.co/d/8aPsYRu
The next thing I’d like to offer, is that once you’re able to hopefully slow down and ease up or cease vilifying yourself for your envy and jealousy. And these emotions begin to fade, transform, shift, or reveal other things, consider the conversations you might want to have with yourself and with your boyfriend about the dynamics of your relationship. Make sure that while you are busy building your kingdom, the care and respect for your intelligence, work ethic, time, talents, and frugality in managing your finances and resources in ways that further your goals and yourself are consistently being respected. There are no hard and fast rules to this. Yet open and honest conversation is the most powerful tool between two humans who respect, trust, appreciate, and love each other. Here is something else to help with those conversations.
I share this having learned the hard way, that there are horrifying imbalances still codified into law that disadvantage women in marriage. Stuff from the 1800s or earlier that are still on the books in North East United States. I also share this because aside from this, there are things in couple dynamics that can erode the most powerful bonds in a strong duo & loving healthy relationship, that if never discussed will do their damage and take their toll. Create the life you want, intentionally, rather than living out the autopilot of both of your histories.
Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home https://a.co/d/eDhsgd2
Hello again KA!
The is the last bit of what I tried to share this morning. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to post everything all at once, and was lucky enough to not loose everything I typed…so here’s hoping that most of this reaches you & resonates. (Sorry for the typos, was fighting off pre-breakfast “hangries” while holding on to my trains of thought that was most relevant to share.)
PART 3
The last few things are my the pragmatic tools for navigating through your feelings, thoughts, and strategies around money. Where you are now (studying & building) is not where you’ll always be. You will be in a position to create from stability and security too. Yet you must define these for yourself (rather than from your boyfriend’s or any other wealthy person’s histories or present traps). And you may need to redefine these again for yourself at various points in your life as you change, grow and evolve.
This one has been my favorite since my teens – Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence: Fully Revised and Updated for 2018 https://a.co/d/ipRNkRh
Cashing Out: Win the Wealth Game by Walking Away https://a.co/d/jdgtp7Y
Last but not least, I just want to acknowledge that I see you. I see my own struggles in you even though they may not have manifested as jealousy for me, the did in other ways, and they did for one of my siblings.
The global scale game of impoverishing one group or region, that gets repeated on a local level is ages old. Had my parents been as savvy at speaking to us transparently about these things when we were quite young, and as we were growing up in the economically privileged environments they chose to raise us in for better opportunities, had they been attentive to the harms of these environments and had adequate capacity between them to truly care for us while they were reaching for the “US American Dream” our family would likely be closer, healthier, and stronger. Our priorities would be better aligned and more unified to ensure that what my parents did not learn about wealth, my siblings and I could and would.
Alas Yo-Yo Ma the cellist once jokingly commented in an interview that it takes 3 generations to make an artist, as he shared the plight of his grandparents, and then his parents who immigrated from China to Europe, which then allowed him to study and practice the cello, and how he eventually came to love and choose the cello for himself (not for his family) which then changed everything for him. Each of them had this artistry in them that life and circumstances did not allow expression of in their time. Yet he was the one with the choices and opportunities in his time and place. So too it is your time. And maybe for you and what you choose to become, it might only take 2 generations (your own elders and what they did right to allow you to take the giant leap into the new adventure you are living today.)
So live it well, live it as joyfully and imaginatively, and kindly as you can (and i don’t mean this through material things, though the small & big treats for yourself from time to time are fine. You’re stronger and healthier physically by the way from scratch cooking regular and eating takeaway every once in a while.)
You and I and many others are a consequence of this. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5t5qiKOwYBRSC7vNX4y8g6X544NtpYsb&si=y8JY2UfIJZ-cauGK
This game started in feudal times in Europe, and was taken to a whole new level by globalism & the American take on capitalism. The Chinese take on capitalism borrows from these playbooks. I’m curious about, and am now wondering what my personal expression of these playbooks will be across the second half of my life.
I don’t have solutions yet. However I do know that if we are “lucky” enough to find ourselves in the mixed blessing of living in Western/Northern societies, we have choices that others do not. That being the case, the above doesn’t need to fully define our trajectory or choices or destinies, and our choices can change.
The reality and consequences of deliberate campaigns of impoverishment will always be a valuable and influential lens of truth, but it is does not need to be our personal fate. My hope is that as more and more people are fully and truly educated on the reality and the necessary skills (both the uneducated and the educated folks) that this game also does not have to be our collective fate either.
I vacillate constantly between wanting to do more to shift this for massive amounts of people and communities I might be able to have an impact on, yet knowing I’m still struggling to provide that stable foundation for myself beyond rent, utilities, food, healthcare, and local transit to do so. And then there’s the challenge of navigating, creating, and honoring reasonable boundaries for helping my parents, extended family or friends (when I’m able to and sticking to my “no” when I’m not able to). If I can afford to gift a certain amount of cash or the time it will take to generate it, the I’m all in, but only for that amount. So, I don’t do “loans” with any expectation of receiving ever receiving it back. I just give what a can afford to when I can afford to and do my best to let go of the rest until I can do more.
If I create problems for myself by coming to someone’s rescue because I’ve overextended myself fiscally or physically, and i repeatedly do this then what’s the point? I must hold myself to that boundary or else everything I am doing, have done, and am aiming for to move myself and others forward is a waste, including my parent’s sacrifices.
Hope this all helps and that I didn’t ramble too much.
Be well & I wish you the best in your evolution & growth! ❤️
Hi Daniel,
I am a 18 year old currently in therapy for depression. I am looking for some advice on how to heal properly. I have made a biography of my live together with my therapist and have had a similar letting out by crying incident as you have described. However I still feel like there is way more emotional trauma buried in me. I am a was born with a cleft palate and have had around 17 operations from birth on. As I don’t remember much about them do you think it would be possible that I have buried them inside me as you have described in your healing video? Or could it be that I was too young to even remember them?
I would appreciate your advice.
Also off topic question:
I recently listened to a Joe Rogan experience episode with Jordan Peterson where the former talked about transgenderism being a psychosomatic disease similar to a mass hysteria (for reference: https://spotify.link/Wii0OSfd2Db). Do you have any thoughts on that?
Thank you for your time,
Valentin
Hi V.,
I would definitely think that the body remembers early operations…even if one is too young to remember consciously….
I’m totally swamped with my life to write much more now, but maybe others have things to share!!!
Meanwhile, wishing you only good things on your healing journey!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I remember in one of your videos where you gave your opinions about lending money. How does change when you are in a relationship? What happens when you realise in length of time that your partner is horrible at dealing with money and ends up in debt, and constantly needs financial support? Did you ever have a partner that was like that? What advice would you have to give to people who are involved in a relationship with a person they love, yet constantly puts them in financial stress?
Best,
Greg
good question, Greg…
Well, I haven’t been in that situation myself, but I certainly couldn’t see myself enjoying lending money repeatedly to a partner who’s in bad debt……. It certainly would be a relational turn-off to me — very sad! Maybe others have opinions here…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
So, there is a continuation of this story. I made it clear some time ago to my partner that I will not be able to continue to support her financially. Lately, she told me that she is seeing other men for money.
Now, I know that for many people seeing others is a deal breaker for a relationship, but I feel I have too many common things with her just to break up like this. I really don’t know what to do.
What would you do? What is your opinion about paid sex?
Hey Daniel,
I hope you are doing well and living your best life. I have 2 questions.
I was wondering if you have any advice on how to take care of yourself during the grief process? And how is one supposed to deal with therapeutic transference? Recently, I started seeing a licensed professional counselor, and he is an excellent listener, gentle, and asks me questions that promote self-growth. He is also an older man around my dad’s age. Problem is, I can’t help but wish I had grown up with him as my dad instead of the cold, uncaring, and emotionally distant alcoholic father that I got. I also happened to see my counselor with his daughter out in public, and this caused my longing for him to be my dad to intensify. I know this is transference and this occupies my thoughts so much I can’t focus on my daily tasks.
I also ask about grief, because I recognize that the reason for this transference is rooted in my longing for an emotionally available father. I never had an emotionally available father growing up, and although my dad has finally stopped drinking I still find it hard to connect with him. Logically I know this but I don’t think I have emotionally felt the grief from this yet, so I was wondering how can I best care for myself when the time comes? And again, how should I deal with transference?
Thanks for all you do!
– Sofia
I should also add that I did not seek out a counselor that reminds me of a dad, and I did not choose him specifically. I am able to access counseling services through my university’s health services, and when I signed up for counseling they just assigned me to the first counselor available, which happened to be him.
– Sofia
Hi Sofia
I find your questions both very interesting because I have experienced/struggled with both. Also, I did and do find it hard myself to understand how to find my way through these situations well.
I’ll start with your transference question. When I look back on a similar experience with a therapist as you describe here the first thing that I would do differently was to stop calling it a transference, that is, a complex psychological phenomenon. But I’d rather just call it a crush. Because that’s just what it is. I think that calling it by that mundane word makes it more simple to understand what it actually is.
I suggest this because I think that crushes are not necessarily romantic and sexual. I have a hetero sexuality (although now dormant) but I did have so called girls crushes either.
But what are they?
I think you describe it well. When that spell befalls us we get pretty obsessed with thinking about this person. And at the base of all this stirring up of thoughts, stories, and along with them emotions is a desire to be 100% and unconditionally loved and accepted by that person. And I think you also describe it just right when you say that you feel that this is the same desire that you had towards your father. Which is just a super natural child thing to feel.
My then therapist was a lot younger than yours and only a couple of years older than myself. Therefore, even when I didn’t had sexual desires towards him I was still very distressed when these feelings came up at first because I was afraid of falling in love with my therapist in a romantic way. And that I felt shouldn’t happen. But when I realised that it was actually not a problem to fall in love with my therapist because I could then just simply tell him and end the cooperation I could fully allow these feelings to emanate.
I then realised that I hadn’t done a mistake to feel this way towards my father even when he didn’t do anything to deserve a child’s love and trust. Because I understood that this is simply what children do. It’s a natural thing. Kids attach themselves to their parents emotionally because its their job. It’s nothing that kids chose and it’s nothing that they can stop themselves from doing. It is nothing personal.
The mishandling of the situation, the mistake, if you will, was on my father’s side. He wasn’t up to his parental responsibilities. He failed me.
I understood that what I had done, to attach myself emotionally to my father, was a very healthy, very natural and very normal thing. And it was not that I was unlovable and deserving of protection and care but that my father was simply not up to the task. Very simple.
But this is where kids get confused and then develop a false narrative of self-defamation because they are dependent on their parents and cannot do without.
As kids we are not able to allow ourselves to see the facts when our parents are not fit to love and care for us. Therefore we invent a story of our deficient selves that make up for that. When we get older we begin to think that something is wrong with us because we allowed ourselves to attach ourselves to someone who was neither loving nor trustworthy. And this enhances our impression that something is utterly wrong with us. But there we forget that as the small children that we were we just did what was our job, what was perfectly healthy and sweet.
To open up to someone unhinged and in a positive way.
I think that when we understand that there is nothing more to say or to do with a crush towards a therapist. The phenomena seems simply to be that we found ourselves again in a situation where we feel that we want to allow ourselves to love fully again.
What I learned from one of Daniel’s videos, is, that the fact that therapists open up barely about they’re personal lives makes it easier for us to fill our idea of who they are with our fantasy of what we want them to be. And it is actually this fantasy of ourselves that then attracts our intense loving feelings.
When I look back I did everything right. I accepted my feelings then went back to my therapist to let him know about these feelings. Still the therapy turned out in the end to be very detrimental for me. What happened?
He let me know that he had just the same feelings that is he had such a “parental” crush on me himself. And I know it’s true because I could feel that he had himself attached to me too.
And I think that next to other mistakes that he did this was also a mistake of him. He should have discussed his crush on me in his therapy and they should have decided that he should end the therapeutic relationship with me.
Because, after all, I was paying him to get help from him. But by being under the influence of his longing of healing for his childhood wounds himself he wasn’t fully capable anymore to have only my best interests in his mind.
Anyway, I dealt with these pretty extreme situtation graciously. Back then I didn’t understand that it wasn’t to my benefit that he had gotten involved with me emotionally as well. Now I see it clearly. He should have worked hard to find this level of mutual love, care and intimacy in his marriage in the first place but never in a therapeutic relationship.
I am very proud that despite all the attraction that I had towards him I never allowed myself to forget that this was therapy. And therefore I realised soon that something was off. I understood that it was not about me and what I needed. I began to fight for what I wanted to have out of this therapy and my therapist didn’t like it. I remember very well how he got into his defenses a lot to gaslight me about the truth of my assessement of the situation, that it was not helping me.
But I pushed stronger and stronger for what I wanted from this therapy. And in the end her turned against me and admitted that he had lied to me in the beginning about an important thing regarding my goals for this therapy.
I realised that he had abused my trust from the beginning by holding important information back that would have stopped me to even begin to work with him after only the first sessions.
I was devastated after our last session where I went once more to tell him that I would leave immediately because he had lied to me and that that amongst other things had compromised his capacity to help me.
At the same time I worked through this quickly because I understood that I was a grown up now. Extremely capable of caring for myself and not in need of a father anymore.
Thanks for allowing me the space to share my story with bringing up your question. How do you think about your crush on your therapist now? And what are you planning to do about it? Are you going to talk about your feelings with him?
You will understand by his reaction whether he is really the right therapist for you.
My profound transference was in hindsight very simple . I was “in love” with the sensation of feeling seen, not with the analyst. That feeling of someone finally seeming to attune to and resonate with me was intoxicating because it was mostly absent in my experience with anyone.
Dear Daniel,
I saw your YouTube video about children not owing their parents anything. I’m 27 and living with my parents, who demand me to pay 25% of my paycheck in “rent”. My dad has been on unemployment benefits for 9 years and my mother has been a housewife that hasn’t worked for 25 years.
In your video you mentioned children not being slaves to their parents. To me it feels like I’m their slave, they sabotage my ability to save up and move out of the parental home, especially since my wage isn’t very high to begin with and housing prices are very inflated. They also don’t treat me like a tenant, they are very controlling about where I go to and are “concerned” I’m not saving when I spend some of my own paycheck. Whenever I try to discuss this I get shamed for being obsessed with money, greedy and ungrateful. My parents are insulted by pointing out the fact that the reason they can’t get by is because they both don’t work. My sister and brother also give them about 25% of their paycheck but they don’t protest, so my parents also use that against me to make it seem like I’m the selfish one. My dad claims he can’t work anymore because he has diabetes so my mom acts like I’m a bad person for not “helping” my dad out financially.
Is it really normal for parents to charge their children “rent”? Or is this about parents leeching of their kids?
It clearly sounds like they’re using you. I don’t think diabetes is a valid excuse to not work since many people with the condition hold down jobs. And it doesn’t sound like your mom has anything preventing her from getting a job save for not working for the past 25 years. (Some potential employers won’t hire people with large gaps in their employment history.)
You mentioned that your siblings also pay their “share” of the rent. Is it possible for you guys to pool your money together until you all can move out and share an apartment away from your parents?
ssrr88’s idea is great. I also think you should move out. Parents should not charge their children for something like a warm home. It’s their responsibility to provide such basic need. If your father is not bedridden and doesn’t need constant attention, then your mother has no excuse to not look for a job. The fact she wasn’t even willing to find a part-time job is concerning as well, but maybe your father had that idea in his head that “a successful man should pay for his woman”, and that contributed to it.
How are your siblings feeling about it? Are they okay with what your parents are doing? Sometimes things happen and people struggle financially, but if that’s been going on for years and they did not do anything about it, then you and your siblings are not ones to blame. And especially to pay for it.
Help is help, but that is sadly not that. It’s just enabling them to do whatever they want. Talk to your siblings, just make sure to not be too emotional as that might be taken as acting out.
Hey Danial, thank you for saving my life. My mother is a narcissist. I took both the trauma and narcissistic behaviors from her. If it wasn’t for your videos, I would have never known that. Maybe I would but it would have taken me several more heartbreak and deep hopelessness. Thank you for your videos.they serve as reminders. They give me strength to face a troubled world knowing I’m not crazy or alone. My life has began and I’m so grateful for it. Living as a narcissist was hell. I always fear I would lose this progress. That’s something I would love for you to touch on. I always have this fear that I might forget again about how poorly I was treated as a child. I’m scared to lose this light inside me and live in the darkness again. Did you ever feel like that?
Hi Daniel. Love your work.
What’s your opinion on dating apps? And even paying for paid subscriptions on these apps?
I volunteer at a charity shop and study a degree with online university. I have a little amount of friends therefore there isn’t much opportunities to meet a potential partner. This means I have resorted to dating apps in the past to meet someone, and on occasion I have.
Just wanted to hear your take
Thanks
Hi Daniel, I hope you are having a lovely day today. I just had a quick question. After months now of looking deep within myself and going down this path of deep emotional healing, I’m starting to think back to how I actually feel about my parents growing up. And a question I just can’t find the answer to is: should we be grateful to our parents? We were all born without consent, and having loving parents in a stable environment I feel all fall under the responsibilities that come with having children in the first place. Should I be externally “indebted” or grateful to the people who’s job it was to take care of me to the best of their ability regardless?
Hi JB — sorry to be brief (I’m totally swamped with other stuff), but I actually made a video more or less on the topic you mention: https://youtu.be/B1SQtXLl7qQ
(What do children owe their parents?)
Hope you find this useful!!!
Daniel
Salutations, Mr. Mackler!
I stumbled upon your channel when I was looking for a therapist. Immediately, I subscribed. I love your channel and the videos that you make. I understand that you no longer practice psychotherapy but I want your advice. To put it simply, how can you live freely, especially when breaking away from family? I do not hate my family. However, as a Black homosexual who was raised in a religious upbringing, I understand the role religion plays in my family. James Baldwin said it best when describing the Church as a source of liberation and oppression. To some extent, I do indeed believe in God (my belief in God and in general my religious beliefs conflict with the religious ideologies I grew up with). But, as I’ve gotten older, the more comfortable I am with my sexuality, the more it conflicts with my family’s beliefs. My family is not a horrible person. They are humans like myself. Yet, in order to live freely as a homosexual, I have to break away from them. Despite my need to live freely, I am currently having a hard time. I have yet to find secure employment and due to rising rent costs, I have to live with my family. Because of my fear of being kicked out and living in the streets as a result, I am not “out” to them yet with the exception of my sibling. Do you have any advice? Thank you very much!
Hello BelovedJoy —
Hmm…it does sound like living with your family is not a very healthy situation for you!!!!! I think the key is figuring out a healthy exit strategy — one that is stable and allows you a live a healthier and more honest life. Definitely becoming homeless is a terrible option, so avoiding that, even if it means staying in the closet for a while, is probably a lot better!! Wishing you the best — and hoping you can find some gentle, stable employment — Daniel
Thank you!
Dear Daniel,
Just discovered you on YouTube and have had that experience of “meeting” a person that thinks like me! (for once)
Its great and rarely, if ever, have i experienced that. Its a fine reward for making it to age 72 and signals progress.
Thank You, young man, for being you. Just last week i remember thinking there are people like me somewhere…
Now i know more who i, a weirdo, according to my mom, am.
And i like me better now, after watching you.
sincerely,
patricia
Thank you Patricia!!
Very lovely!!! Wishing you the best, and sending you good vibes!!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I recently saw some news about a mother who apparently experienced post-partum psychosis and murdered her children and then attempted to take her own life. It made me think about post-partum depression and other mental health issues that occur to mothers after pregnancy… I’m sure a lot of it is genuinely hormonal after childbirth but an act this extreme really made me wonder if early childhood trauma in the mother plays a role in any way to result in such extreme acting out, but I’m rather ignorant of the biochemical aftermaths of childbirth and it’s always made me antsy about jumping to conclusions. I just remembered your video on psychosis being a product of extreme early childhood trauma and it makes me wonder if childbirth brings up post-traumatic memories and reactions in some mothers from their own infancy that could possibly lead to such acts? (I have heard of parents who become more aware of their own childhood trauma right after becoming parents themselves, which may or may not be related…) I do wonder what your thoughts would be on the subject!
Kind regards,
Kai
I’d say that “biochemical” has little, if anything, to do with murder after childbirth. It is much more likely that some major unresolved trauma is trying to surface and instead of allowing the trauma to become conscious, the individual murders the source of the threat of consciousness.
I’d say “biochemical” could actually have a lot to do with a murder after childbirth. As a person who experiences very bad symptoms of PMS before period I can only imagine how terrible postpartum depression could be. Especially for someone who already experienced other mental health issues before that. The thing in my opinion is that we never know what was exactly happening in someones’ life prior to pregnancy and even way before that. Unresolved trauma for sure could play a big factor in that, but what I mean is is that it could be a mix of really anything and we’ll never know for sure as outsiders. It’s easy to judge acts like that, and I am not trying to justify anything, but we need to remember that we just don’t know anything for sure and everything we say about the case are only “ifs”. Maybe the person didn’t want the kid to begin with? Maybe they were made by the society to follow the “typical” path that really didn’t lined up with that person’s soul. All we know for sure is that things weren’t exactly all happy and good for that person, hence the extreme act. So that, plus other issues could end up being a story like that. As I said again, it’s easy to judge and guess but we’ll never know for sure. It’s just more sad than anything that something like that happened and will happen in the future again.
Thank you for responding!
Yeah, there may be many factors involved in the execution of such a heinous act.
It is difficult to not be judgmental towards a system that pushes biochemical causes to make money and a society that encourages superficial solutions to deep structure challenges and thereby perpetuating a lack of consciousness and, ultimately the hopeless cycle just continues.
Hey Daniel,
I’ve been struggling on finding my why. After having gone through the realization of my trauma, the self-discovery journey, the cutting people out, living healthier and healing those old wounds, I feel aimless and I’m having trouble feeling the value of a lot of things in life. Though I see people extrapulating value from their interactions, things, contributions and jobs I can’t seem to feel the same way. I don’t want to diminish the value other people find in their lives, I just can’t seem to feel it myself.
I get that self-actualization is supposedly part of the journey, but I can’t really find the point in it. Lets say I can build a giant company worth millions..whats the point? I can’t take the money with me, it doesn’t actually fulfill me because I don’t need much. Using that money to help others often seems pointless because most of the services given to those less fortunate don’t seem to improve their lives, they’re often bandaid fixes. So, money is not motivating. Opportunities for status come around but feel completely hollow. I’ve sort of lost my desire to produce anything (though i am because I do have to eat) because the world seems to be filled with such excess, I don’t like the feeling of just creating more X. thought about moving out into the country and living raising animals and vegetables but something rings kind of pointless in that too. I’ve thought about just devoting all my work to others but I am worried that doing that will feel pointless too, for various reasons. This is all very alienating, self-centered and I’m sure toxic to those around me yet, I can’t shake it or find anyone that understands what I’m saying.
Have you had this experience before or know someone who has? How did you come out of it, what helped? Do you have a why, does it change and how did you find it? Have you found other people that feel this way, if so, where did you find them?
Thanks for your videos. I’m going to dive back into your book Trauma to Enlightenment though I might need to email your office for another link. I got it back in may.
Best,
Jen
Hi there,
I hope I’m not overstepping but It sounds too me like you’re depressed. The only advice I can give is, try to remember something you truly enjoyed or even loved as a child or young adult. A hobby, be it photography, art or something creative that you were good at and go for that. Go for the light, focus on the positive aspects of your life and all you have to be grateful for. That’s your “why”.
Sincerely,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
No, you’re not overstepping. Its a question published through an online medium, though I believe it’s dangerous to diagnose people based on a few sentences.
It could be possible I suffer from depression but, that depression might just be born out of the thought and feeling I don’t have a why.
I see you have good intentions however, if just telling someone they are living to do hobbies were enough to actually help people, the world wouldn’t have problems would it?
I do currently have hobbies; raising animals, gardening, semi self sufficient gardening, painting, drawing. I also hike in the mountains daily, run a business, practice charity, engage in religion and groups. As I mentioned before, though perhaps not as succinctly as I’d like, those do not fill me with any feeling of meaning. They are all short events of a larger life that seems to lack reason or meaning.
Thank you for the thoughts I do feel it was well intentioned.
Hi Jen,
Do you derive joy from your hobbies, or is it something you do just to fill your time? Are there experiences/things/people/events in this world that bring you joy or meaning? Is the business you run something you are passionate about?
I think life is meant to be lived to its fullest, make the most out of every day you have, share experiences with others. Even just simple things like conversing with a cashier. There are beautiful small moments (and sometimes big ones too) in every day. Not every day will be so beautiful, some days are incredibly hard, and periods of life that are filled with pain. But part of truly living is experiencing all the bad and all the good. One thing we all have in common is that we all die. When you are on your deathbed, and you look back at your life, what do you want to have been content with doing/experiencing? Traveling, building things, helping others, or something else entirely?
Personally, for me, meaning comes from helping other people. Helping others can cause a ripple effect, and create more positive change. You don’t even have to help people in big extravagant ways. Teaching, listening, volunteering, or just helping someone in any way spontaneously when life provides the opportunity are all ways of helping. For example, once I helped a stranger try to jumpstart her car, I had jumper cables and she approached me while I was driving asking for help. I had the cables, but I didn’t know how to use them at the time (I had just started driving), and this happened on a university campus and a campus employee overheard us trying to figure things out and taught us how to use the jumper cables. Her car ended up never starting, it had issues besides the battery, but it was a moment where I was able to offer support to someone I didn’t even know, and then we were supported by the campus employee who provided us with valuable knowledge.
Another time in college, a professor went out of her way to help me learn statistics (I’m terrible at math). Throughout the whole semester she helped me, despite her being a graduate student herself and having many other commitments, she helped me and nurtured my learning. I’ll never forget that and it’s meaningful to me that she cared so much.
Meaning can also be found in small things that bring you joy, like eating your favorite food.
All that to say, I think meaning comes from helping others and building connections/relationships with others. Because the material things in this world truly do not matter in the grand scheme of things, but our connections with others (and with ourselves) are more valuable because the impact others can have on you and vice versa can be profound. When someone we love dies, we carry their memory until we die. Also, I think learning and growing as much as possible before we die is meaningful. Another thing; creating art just for the sake of creating can also feel meaningful.
If you haven’t already, I recommend reflecting on your life and try to recall any profound experiences you’ve had, moments where you felt great joy, or moments where you found even an inkling of meaning in something, and explore that to see what you can do in the present to feel some meaning.
Depression can make everything feel meaningless, or cause you to feel a lack of joy, the things you once enjoyed don’t feel enjoyable anymore, and can cause a huge lack of motivation (I’m speaking from experience). Not saying you have depression, but you should just be aware if you notice these symptoms in yourself.
If you do feel like the things you once enjoyed are no longer enjoyable, you should explore that too.
If no one has told you, your life is valuable regardless of your income or contributions to this world. The feelings you have can be very isolating but remember you matter and you deserve to find your why.
I’m sorry I couldn’t offer better advice, I used to feel very similarly to you but so much has changed since then I’m not even sure how I stopped feeling that way. I do still struggle with loss of motivation and loss of joy (or any positive emotion) on some days but much much less than what it used to be.
I hope you discover your why.
Wishing you all the best,
Gabby
Hi gabby,
Between you and Brian (above) suggesting depression as a cause I decided to take some time to think on this before replying.
I definitely feel depressed. My life situation is unsatisfying. I’m not living a life that’s true to my core being. While I do enjoy my hobbies, learning, helping people, etc. Its my overall existence that needs to change.
Im trying to find the reality that feels true to myself. I haven’t found that yet. I have inklings that are riddled with uncertainty and the fear of making irreparable decisions. That’s life though, isn’t it.
I appreciate your comment and desire to help a stranger. That’s awesome. Thank you.
Jen, I love your determination to get at the truth of your existence.
I ask myself, “Do you want Easy St. or Hardship Hwy.?” when I feel the extreme tension of being completely truthful (at least as truth as I can be in that moment).
Such a poignant and perfect question.
We don’t encourage asking “WHY?” nearly enough.
“Why” is dangerous to status quo, to our own stability even.
However, if one want to grow then the “whys” must be asked.
For myself, it is all about spiritual reality/truth. I find this passage from the Baha’i Faith to be particularly compelling: “Turn thy sight unto thyself that thou mayest find Me standing within thee.”
Hey Jen,
I understand what you are going through because I am going through a similar experience myself.
I would suggest that you will probably need to create a job for yourself that:
1) Can give you enough to eat
2) Provides truthful, grounded value. (food, shelter, health)
3) Fits with society
4) Keeps you connected to yourself
It is really hard to fit all of them. When you mention “thought about moving out into the country and living raising animals and vegetables but something rings kind of pointless in that too. ” you feel that way because we do have inherent social needs that that sort of life will lack. When you say “I’ve thought about just devoting all my work to others but I am worried that doing that will feel pointless too, for various reasons. ” it is correct in you assumption that all should not be just about others. You must find something that keeps you truly in contact with yourself.
Since you seem to have an entrepreneurial mindset, i’d suggest thinking a lot on how would the organizations that provide important things (you should define those, like shelter and food. they should feel truly valuable) look like in an enlightened world. How would the business operate? How would employees relate between each other? How would the company treat its members and clients? I’d say the future of big corps is non-profit. In 100 years, big tech companies might be foundations, with many federated systems to avoid centralization, which brings many issues.
Our crisis is a great opportunity. Make sure to explore these things now because when the dark veil lifts the time of enlightenment will be mostly up.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank You Daniel.
I am finally able to understand the root cause of all my complex issues/ traumas, and more importantly now I understand the level of trauma I was inflicting on my kids and the immediate need to stop the harm. I would like to request that you create a video to guide parents such as myself on how to help repair the damage done thus far before it’s too late. What is the best way to help my kids ages 8-12 heal from the trauma I have unconsciously caused? Thank you
Hi Daniel,
I discovered your youtube channel just a few days ago and I’ve now watched several of your videos (which are excellent by the way) about trauma and the healing process, and how there are varioius barriers to that. It’s as if there are systems in place to prevent people from healing.
It seems to me that there is a parallel between the grieving/healing process and the “waking up” process. I am interested in what many people label “conspiracy theories” and from my point of view there are systems in place to give people a particular view of reality in all sorts of areas and in all sorts of ways. And when somebody questions a particular aspect of this worldview – whether it’s the narrative about a particular event or the received wisdom about a certain industry or whatever – often that person is mocked, ridiculed, ostracised or these days “cancelled”. In many cases it doesn’t even matter whether everything that person says is factual or that what they are arguing against is objectively false or morally wrong.
It seems like there is a widespread denial of reality going on, or denial of the falseness of the authorised narratives we are being spoonfed, in much the same way that there is a denial of trauma and the need for healing/grieving. And the actions that are the result of such denial are often similar too e.g. anger at the messenger or wayshower and/or some form of abuse of that person.
Anyway, I’d just like to hear what you think about that. Are these just similar dynamics or are they different manifestations of the same thing? Maybe you could make a video about it, or maybe you already have (in which case I’d appreciate it if you could post a link or a title or something.)
All the best
Matthew
Daniel please I need to talk to you. You’re past experiences perfectly mirror my current one. You can record the phone call/video chat and share it on your channel to help others. Ill pay for your time, whatever… Ill do anything to talk to you man.
just to summarize. Im autistic and your relationship with your parents perfectly mirrors the relationship with my girlfriend who has serious parental trauma issues. She is in complete denial of how she is responsible for my mental health decline and her fragile ego has created an impenetrable barrier that has completely closed her mind off to the possibility of having any accountability for anything. Her own family acknowledges this and her own sister understands and agrees with me but says that even she cant get through to her on anything either so even her own sister cant help change her perceptions of herself. Ive left about 4 times but the depression of not seeing my family is worse than staying. Every time Ive left, shes wanted me back but done everything spiteful in her power to make it as hard as possible on me so I will come back and I always have to. Its not even a choice, I just do it because I know I have to see be with my kids. I dont believe shes got a malicious bone in her body. She is a good person but shes diluted and in denial and isnt able to see when shes wrong or that what shes doing is so horrible.
her perception is that everything she does/says is 100% justified. That’s her reality. So no matter how horrible she acts, shes always right and anyone who says otherwise is wrong by default. If her behaviour is undeniably bad, she will perform mental gymnastics to fabricate (and believe 100%) that it is someone else’s fault that made her act that way. Then she only talks about these things with people that she knows will take her side and reinforce her denial and defend her behaviour which only strengthens these delusions. I have hope for her as long as I know shes not being intentionally malicious and doesnt know the wrong shes doing. Shes also agreed to counselling and has SLLOOOWWWLLLYY started to admit to some minor negative behaviour traits which is actually huge progress, but actually getting her there is basically impossible. I cant leave because I havent given up on her and I need to be near my kids every day or else I become suicidal. But this is a horribly unhealthy person to live with as an autistic person. Any time I tell her about my needs as an autistic person, she agrees and then makes no change whatsoever, then I ask harder and she agrees again but doesnt change anything, then I get angry and resentful and more aggressive and my requests have become demands and then she acts like “do you see how you talk to me? you are the problem” Im so lost and dont know what to do. You’ve already made it to the other side. I need to talk to you! I need help and nobody understand. you understand. please help me!!!!
Your videos have hit me so powerfully. I always knew something was askew in my family dynamic, but I always believed my shortcomings and failures were the reasons for it. I convinced myself that I was so crazy that I was obviously misinterpreting reality. My mother gaslit me constantly, invalidated my feelings for any reason (being too excited, talking to much/little, fidgeting, slouching, putting my hand on my hips, shifting my weight, etc. etc. etc.).
Ive been self harming as early as I remember. First it was food, then cigarettes, then for a year I was cutting my thighs, then for the last ten years or so Ive been shutting down my emotion with vape and weed. During the time of my cutting I remember breiefly going to a therapist and my mother warning me that I better not come out of their blaming the mother like all psychologist did. I did every mental gymnastic in my head to spare her that grief while I was slowly killing myself.
Ive only recently realized how much trauma I actually experienced on a daily basis. To this day she cannot stop her invalidating behavior. Unfortunately, due to the chaos of my mind, the intense shame I feel daily, I am back living under her roof. I am broke and have no motivation to do much. But Im working on getting a job and planning to be independent and try to heal.
Id like to know what can someone do to start feeling alive after years white knuckling life? Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster for all 29 years of my life. I dont know what “normal” is or how to live a life that is not comprised of coping mechanisms. Ive let all my friends fall to the wayside or pushed them away. I have no one to confide in.
How can I start building a life worth living? I know theres hope, but I feel like theres so many giant obstacles that I cant overcome on my own, but I have no clue how to get anyone to help.
Anyways, thank you for your wonderful videos, they are very informative.
Welcome Yael!!
And thank you.
I’m really wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi. You’re very brave and exactly right in having hope. There is hope. Is there a possibility that any of your old friends would be open to reconnect? People can do bad things to each other when they themselves are hurting, yet in my experience friends I pushed back when I was younger never judged me for it when I was able and willing to try again.
I’m not sure of where you live, but is there any kind of workshop or small community, maybe through social work, that you could have routine participation in? That was a key piece for me and for my healing process. Therapy never did too much but having a place to go and be myself and learn skills for self-acceptance, having people to confide in and vice-versa did wonders for my feeling of self-worth. Trying new things, learning new skills, creating art… I’m still working on stuff around this area of my life but the biggest lesson for me has been that loneliness and feelings of isolation, being trapped and not knowing how to get out while thinking you have to do it all by yourself can truly kill you. And in my experience when you can find people that listen and appreciate you for who you are, it can lead to a new perspective and seeing beauty where before you saw none. Lightening the load and being able to see new solutions is essential, toughing it out rarely works (though of course it does take a lot of work and in the words of Daniel; it can feel like hell).
I wish you the best and I’m rooting for you.
Moving away from a toxic environment is the only way forward in my experience.. If you have no money or qualitifcations, you can go to a kibbutz or do other voluntarily jobs that give you housing and food. Just google it: working abroad etc .This may be scary but there are ways out and forward. Please consider this .and I am with you in spirit .
I don’t know where to live either. You have to be in Israel to live on a Kibbutz and most people aren’t there. Then there’s WWOFF but most quarters in these places are marginal best and you are there to work. It not like being home. Moral of the story, find a home when you are young or your childhood home will be your last one. Not a good risk
Daniel, I would be very curious if you could give your thoughts someday about people who have clear memories going back to very early childhood and maybe the effects that has on our later lives. You spend enough time as a psychotherapist to have at least some sense of the differences between people with crisp memories of very early childhood and those that do not.
I am talking about memories going back to well before 1 year old. I know in my case I have clear memories of learning how to walk which my mother said was 9 months, of climbing out of my crib, I remember blowing out the candle on my first birthday cake and even what I saw outside the window my highchair was near. I even have a memory though not as clear, of my father’s stubbled cheek when I was perhaps only a month or so old, I am sure I was a swaddled infant at the time, and I am also pretty sure he dropped me that day.
Do you think there is a difference in people who retain such memories? I mean so much of very early child development is traumatic, just the frustrations of having crying as your only form of communication has to be akin to stroke victims that cannot communicate verbally any longer. Is forgetting a defense mechanism? Or, just humans wiping away “disc space” once things get interesting for them?
Hi Mark,
Well, the first thing is that probably my experience as a psychotherapist was less important to me in this regard than my own personal experiences of memories. I have some very early memories like yours that I just somehow trust deeply to be true. For example, I remember having my diapers changed by my father when I was probably around nine months old or less — a gentle expereince. I also remember a few other things like this. And then there are things that happened much later that I blocked out, and know I blocked out because I was later told they happened by credible people and I simply have no recall of them. To have more confidence in a memory, I think it’s just a question of trusting one’s own gut — and I think when others share their memories of early childhood all I can do is trust my gut — regarding their sincerity. Some people, when they talk about early memories, I just trust them… But others, well, no. For instance, I know one psychotherapist who used to very grandiosely (and with seeming total confidence) talk about remembering being born, and coming through the birth canal. Personally I think he didn’t remember it, and was just fantasizing having remembered it. (He also said a lot of other bullshit, even lies, so that added to the context for me.) I, meanwhile, have some relatively early childhood memories that I don’t totally trust — mostly because there are also photos of those memories, and maybe, perhaps, I’m just remembering the photos. But are all my memories still in there somewhere? Perhaps…. I would wager that they are…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
The photo’s may just jolt the memory. It doesn’t mean they are not valid memories but a reminder to the memory. Just because YOU don’t remember being born, doesn’t mean that others who do are lying. Many of my early life memories came forward while meditating. I remember being born and my thoughts around it. I remember being in the womb and I remember experiences before I was born in this body. You dismissing this comes across as being closed and having preconceived ideas. I had a NDE at 23 and since dream things that are going to happen. These are events in my own day to day life ( often in unfamiliar settings) but also from time to time about global events. I am not looking for recognition of these ( I have no website or youtube channel). However, I think it’s time people and especially professionals in psychology would benefit if they were open to things we can’t proof or explain. I understand that I know nothing much. but it seems that nor do you.
Hey Daniel, found you on YouTube a few days ago. A video I watched tonight led me here. Thanks for making your content. I hope you’re in a good place with your journey.
I spent the pandemic in various anti-psychiatry spaces online. Currently a codependent relationship with another psych survivor has me trapped in a horrific hospital stay. We’re in week 5 right now. He has about $4 or $5k of my money as well.
Sucks how there are imperfections in the activist movement too. Hurt people hurt people.
Cheers!
Hi Daniel and friends,
I saw a tweet the other day that I found interesting and wanted to know your perspective.
It was along the lines of “Why when u call out terrible people, they start crying. I thought they already knew they were terrible”
Many of the replies were saying that the crying was in an attempt to manipulate the person and gain sympathy.
I felt the tweet in general lacked understanding of said person. But I felt that maybe just stuff being brought up brings up a stress response and that release becomes needed. or just trauma and stuff being brought up that would make someone cry. Maybe it is an attempt to gather sympathy for past trauma. but would like to know y’alls perspectives 🙂
Hi M,
Interesting — well, I guess there could be different reasons for crying for different people. I have known some people who are manipulative to cry “crocodile tears” in situations like that, but I like your suggestion too!! I wonder what others think…
Daniel
Hi, your question struck a chord with me. I do not cry easily; in fact, I would like to at times when I cannot express myself. But if someone close to me (and this happened recently) brings up an emotional point, my tears are very genuine!
“Terrible” people can feel hurt too.
And maybe the behaviors we label as TERRIBLE are a cover for acute vulnerabilities. A defense mechanism, and the trick is to uncover what it is they are defending. Crying in adults, at least when it is not some narcissistic manipulative ploy for sympathy and to regain a lost upper hand, is in my experience what happens when they are forced to face things about themselves they don’t like, they have lost a battle of sorts that their terrible behaviors had been disguising. If you confront a terrible person and what you say is delivered calmly and truthfully then they can choose to be even more evil or they can break down. I mean you just ripped of their band aid. It is more interesting to me why your confrontation was so effective at that. Perhaps they felt you understood them. They like you and that made them trust you to a degree. Or, they just feel the futility of separation from other people. They may be lonely and angry about that but have no idea how to fix it.
But, nearly all the people I know that are just terrible to be around know it and do not care. Confronting them over it can be very dangerous. Very few people who turn out to be very dangerous are perceived in advance to be kind and positive and nice to be around. There are exceptions, Jeffrey Dahmer was often describes as great to be around, very likable. But it seems that was his lure. People who are terrible to be around (and I am a gay left liberal democrat in a deep red county in Florida so there is no shortage of those) I consider too unstable to attempt any personal interactions with beyond the minimum to be civil and polite when in public. I do not wear my politics on my sleeve, nor my sexuality for that matter, but I know some complete fascists who do here. I still manage to have some pleasant interactions with strangers, far more of those than the unpleasant type, but I also am wary. I think it is not good practice to challenge “terrible people” who may as well be a nest of murder hornets. They are terrible, but they also have a right to be who they are.
Hi Daniel. Thank You for defending that child. And yes! Being hit by a parent is worse than being hit by a stranger.
JM.
Agreed!
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you’re aware of John Calhoun’s experiment on rats Universe 25,would be cool if you have an analysis on it on your youtube.
Now from one side it’s very good that younger generations across the globe(especially koreans,chinese,europeans) like millenials and Gen-Z, they are realizing the core issues of this world and they consciously and subconsciously are reducing the fertility rate, they avoid having relationships that don’t fulfill them etc…
Do you agree that there might be another side effect, called the Behavioural Sink ? And that the loner rats trend is not about stabilization of society, but of inevitable decline of population and even with an abundance of food and medical care, the population goes to 0 because of lack of motivation to procreate, even during advanced stages of depopulation?
He also took those young rats with loner habits, he put them into a new environment(without other peers) and they refused to procreate because of the psychological burnout and damage which is permanent. Do you agree this same phenomenom might be happening with humanity these next couple decades? When 2020 lockdowns came, it has been a major acceleration point for depression,suicide,decline in fertility rates… and these trends continue to get worse even after lockdowns regimes, so I sense we have reached peak population earlier than expected and we’re heading into a demographic collapse due this phenomenom of behavioural sink being material in most developed countries. It’s not tangible now, but it will come as a wave hitting hard on societies(think of labour shortage or pension crisis).
I have my own weird theories about it. I believe that Universe 25 is real and happening now, because of the nature of the mind and how a train of thoughts or conditionings lead to a predictable path. So if we just tell all people worldwide to have less children, even for very well intended reasons, this might reinforce the behavioural sink effect. I have many good reasons to think that in the future governments will start to push on having more babies, because their real concern is about the behavioural sink(very material nowadays) will be irreversable.
I even expect fertility cults to emerge later on and being promoted by societies. I don’t know your knowledge of history, but fertility cults(like Mother Goddess/ Magna Mater) were introduced in ancient Rome to counterattack the depopulation pressure due to bad health from lead poisoning (from wine). Also these kind of cults have played out recurrently among ancient societies.
I know all this sounds crazy, but I’m sure there are very intelligent people leading the world (or elites or whatever you want to call them) and they were geniously concerned of the path of the oil age and consummerism during the 1960s that’s when they started to fund all those depopulation studies,because they knew that as population increases with EROI margins of oil are decreasing, that’s a mathematical recipe for disaster. But again, if you tell people to have less children, you would contribute to he behavioural sink among people’s psychology, also deflationary pressures in the economies(present since the 1970s, but the debt model was introduced and has masked the inefficiencies of decreasing EROI of oil until now, but we’ve now reached peak credit, so that’s why energy crisis and depopulation are the hot topic of this decade).
Sorry if I wrote it too long, I could talk for hours but all these topics are connected. I just want to know how would you deal avoiding that behavioural sink which is more and more prevalent among the global society. It’s true that the argument of reducing childhood trauma of bad relationships or having less kids, that partially helps having healthier and mature people in the future. But it’s too late or not enough of a solution, because depopulation/deflation act as a spiral(and this time globally,first time in human history due to the interconnectedness of societies since the oil age and mass urbanizations) and there will be needed some artificial or forced solution from governments in forcing people to have children(let’s say from the 2030s).
Hi Dominic,
Thanks for the idea. Someone else mentioned Universe 25 to be some months ago and suggested it for a video topic, and I looked into it and I found it interesting, but I have gotten waylaid with so many other things that I haven’t studied it enough yet to feel like I have something worthy to say… But I will study it — though probably not for a bit of time…still too busy with other things!!! But thank you for bringing it up again!!
All the best,
Daniel
This is all so interesting and new to me. Thank you so much for sharing along with your own thoughts! I totally agree.
i just read about Universe 25 for the first time after reading your post and i find that experiment to be very fascinating. i guess one could come to the conclusion that it is your duty to reproduce with the someone you find healthy love with. it’s possible that’s what nature intended for evolution.
I have a question about journaling. I would like to start, but I don’t know if I should be reading what I have wrote. How does that work? Do I read what I wrote yesterday, today? Do I need to read what I’ve written before at all? Thanks.
I think there are no rules for how to journal properly. I have some videos on journaling in general on my Youtube channel (if you go to my channel and search for “journaling” or “journal.” But I think the main thing is to follow your heart, to follow your gut, and to experiment. What works for you might not work for someone else, and what works for you today might not work for you tomorrow!!
Daniel
Hello! I bet you hear this all the time but what a miraculous synchronicity it’s been to stumble across your YouTube yesterday abs read this about journals. I have moved around a lot and the one thing that I drag with me everywhere are my journals that go back to the mid 70s. I’ve never, ever read them because I just felt uncomfortable about meeting my past self.
A couple weeks ago I had the strongest feeling that I needed to read them. I ignored that thought until it was overwhelming and I just had to go back and read them.
The jury is still out on what good will come of it, but one thing that stands out is how much I have blamed myself—page after page of “oh, it’s my fault, no wonder he was so mad at me” etc.
But guess what it was NOT my fault then (it’s so obvious!!!) Fifteen year old me was not at fault and I suspect that 61 year old me is probably not at fault today. I’m responsible for the choices but responsibility is different from fault/blame.
That’s what I’ve gotten so far. Thanks for the awesomeness ❤️
Welcome Carla!
I can relate !
Daniel,
Many people are saying that YouTube may be circling the drain due to a lot of their nickel and dime-ing business practices lately.
Do you have any ideas what you could do with your videos if YouTube were to shut down? It may be wise to consider alternatives soon!
Just thought I’d let you know,
– Brian
There’s so much I need to say, through videos. I wish I could say it completely unfiltered, completely bluntly, no matter how spiky the issue I’m talking about. I deleted the videos I had posted here. But I don’t think they were very blunt and to the point anyway. But there’s so much I don’t know about my own family system.
But I have a feeling the only thing that will free me from this feeling of going ABSOLULTELY INSANE recently is to speak completely bluntly about everything. The world is not used to people who speak as bluntly as you do about these topics,
but it’s our job to do it. We are in a unique position where we are standing on the edge between good and evil. We see both. It is our duty to speak out what goes ignored. Maybe I’ll make more videos some day.
‘Good afternoon Daniel,
My son was tested twice for speech impediment. The first time he was tested I believe he was about six in South Mississippi. The second time was in San Angelo, TX about nine. The counselor that tested him met with me in person with my son. I get scattered at times with my thoughts. Please bare with me. She told me that Nic did not have a speech impediment at all. Both sides of Nic’s family had numerous family that stuttered. What this counselor was about to tell me blew my mind and helped me realize a lot more about him. She said that is sounds like to all of us that he is indeed stuttering. However, like his mom at age four Nic’s thoughts race at an incredible speed that we cannot keep up with him. I was floored when she explained what was happening. I have done some research with ADHD and ADD that said the hyperactivity part is not your body alone running around at warp speed.
The counselor explained to me how to help Nic easily overcome what sounded like garble coming out in speaking. So, simple. I was to gently ask Nic to stop for a few seconds to help me communicate with him. Then, I asked him to think about and gather his thoughts slower and breath during this time.
It didn’t take maybe a month or two and his speech communication was so clear that you wouldn’t believe that he ever had speech impediment. I felt so blessed that this counselor was able to actually formulate what was really going on.
His warp speed mind found a different outlet growing up with playing video games and building state of the art computers.
P.S. I agree, My son is 21. And, I see day to day this gen and newbies struggling with talking to another human because most of their communication is via video games.
Thank you for sharing your lifestyle growing up and how it affected you. It helps me relate. I am a loner, introvert mostly, scapegoat, etc. It is very difficult for me to form relationships. I am different from others in many different ways,
Waves from the Mississippi Gulf Coast,
Andrea
Your message tells me that you are kind and intuitive You have a lot to offer this world! 😉
Thank you Pamela!
Daniel
As an experiment, I decided to talk to my mom about various places that we went to when I was growing up. We both remember the locations, but I think we remember different details based on what we value.
The most nostalgic and memorable moments for me was the time I spent with people – visiting family friends and playing with their kids – the coziness and magic of running around outside playing tag. The laughs we shared. Even the adults I remember gave a more cozy and nurturing vibe than my parents did.
My mom on the other hand, I don’t think she would remember those people at all if I didn’t mention their names and jog her memory. “Wow you still remember so and so’s name?” she said. Yeah, because they were amazing.
My mom said “New York is great, if you’re in the US everyone says you have to go to New York.” So for my parents, I get the sense that it’s kind of like crossing something off a bucket list, to show off that you went to a certain place. And my dad seems to place importance on things like museums (I know someone’s gonna come in here and say WOW LOOK AT YOU COMPLAINING THAT YOUR PARENTS TOOK YOU TO A MUSEUM – you’re missing the point.) I remember my mom yelling at me to look up at the fancy buildings in New York – she had her hand firmly around my wrist and I was staring down at the sidewalk. I guess the buildings are cool, but I couldn’t enjoy them for their own sake – I enjoyed the buildings best when I had a friend to run around and have adventures with. Ya feel me? It’s not the buildings, it’s getting to enjoy them with a fellow soul.
I also remember my dad complaining about me one time when we visited those family friends. Making fun of how I loved video games. So even the good moments that I had when we went to family friends seems to be poisoned by my parents.
I felt this hollowness after talking to my mom – a feeling that is very familiar from my childhood.
Well articulated. It is a difficult task to translate the abstract realm of profound feeling and insight (particularly when it is not an encouraged capacity) into concrete words.
Thank you poets!
Hello! First and foremost, thank you very much for your dedication. Congrats on having 100k subs on YouTube! Yay!
I saw your YouTube video. It was helpful to me because my therapist died while I was their patient. They didn’t expect the end to come when it did or as quickly as it did. Unfortunately for me I was kept in the dark till close to the very end. No time to say goodbye or tie up loose ends, or anything else.
They had professional trustees who for whatever reasons didn’t step in until I tracked them down many months later.
I think it’s very hard for a person who is dying to think straight and make the best decisions, and so arrangements should be made well in advance and open conversations need to be had. And also, someone needs to step in to protect the client when things are no longer going in a healthy direction.
I don’t think much consideration is given to the client, who is left to grieve alone, no chance to say goodbye, and their life and treatment is turned upside by a bereavement when they are neither friend or family.
This is a very tragic set of circumstances for all involved, and you can’t prevent a death, but I think you can prevent some of the pain and suffering a therapy client inevitably goes through in the aftermath.
I think it’s very unfortunate because of course a beloved therapist has died, and deep sympathy goes to their loved ones.
The therapy client is a person too..
Hi Daniel. Congrats on passing that 100k subs!
Hello Daniel,
Your insights have been very helpful in making me connect the dots that are needed to progress my own healing journey, so I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom and shared thoughts. I will make sure to donate to you in the near future to show my gratitude.
If you will spare some time for me, I wanted to ask for an advice about forgiveness. Specifically forgiving oneself. I have experienced a lot of childhood trauma and emotional neglect in my family. And I have acknowledged a lot of the roots and behaviors that I have been exhibiting. Now as I look back on my life, I realized that I have harmed a couple of people, by doing to them some of the exact things that have been done to me. Here I am mostly talking about abandonment and lack of commitment and care. I have started my introspective journey just about a year ago, so I know that I am not very far into It, but It has become very challenging for me to both show compassion for myself for what has happened AND to also come to terms that the way I ended up being, has also hurt others. I am not sure how to balance self acceptance with all of the added guilt of my past actions. I have been struggling with taking responsibility for myself and also for what I do to others, since I have very low self-esteem, I don’t trust myself – my judgement and my emotions (since I have learned early on that my emotions and thoughts are always wrong in some way) and I have a hard time believing sometimes that I will ever be able to treat myself and others well. But I still want to grow into a better person and to learn how to cope in healthier ways, without being destructive to myself or others close to me.
Thanks in advance for reading my comment, and I hope you are having an amazing day,
Best wishes,
Jovana
Hi Jovana,
I think the only way to forgive oneself is to keep growing and healing — to work out the root issues that caused one to do the things you feel bad about, and by working this out to no longer do those things… For me it’s been through self-therapy — exhuming my past and grieving my losses from it. I have a self-therapy playlist on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL Maybe there’s something good in there for you? Greetings and best wishes back to you! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a 35 y/o male, dealing with mild depression accompanied with feelings of deep self-loathing. The depression came about after a succession of setbacks in my life, and the self-loathing is primarily being triggered by my involuntary celibacy and the fact that I have never had sex or a girlfriend in my life. I grew up as a very introverted child with poor social skills, focusing on intellectual and creative solitary activities, spending lots of time in school and eventually building a career as a technology professional. I’ve only had a few encounters with women that had the potential to develop into romantic and/or sexual relationships, but none of them came to fruition for a variety of reasons (not the least of which my honesty, straightforwardness, reclusiveness, and lack of interest in shallow social interactions/events/activities). I never really knew how to go about getting laid or developing a romantic relationship, and in many instances I felt the women I was attracted to were not attracted to me. Bottom line, I still have these needs and desires that I don’t know how to satisfy, and it’s making me feel miserable. I hoped that by this age I would have had some experience and be at a point where I can start a family (or at least be able to decide whether I wanted to) but I’m so far behind on all of these fronts that I’m not sure if there’s any hope, i.e., anything positive to look forward to. I keep telling myself I’m an incompetent loser, and the negative self-talk is being exacerbated by other things I perceive as failures on a professional and personal level (when I’m unable to live up to my expectations and make progress towards things that matter to me). I have lots of pent-up frustration and anger, which combined with my general feeling of discontentment, makes it extremely difficult to remain sane and find the will to keep going.
Anyway, since you’re getting bombarded with messages here and there’s probably no other way for me to interact with you on a deeper level, would you consider making a video on this subject? I watched the videos where you talk about celibacy and your personal experiences with relationships, but could you address these topics from (or for) the point of view of someone who is alone against their will and desires?
Thank you for your time.
Best regards,
Parker
Hi Parker,
I would consider making a video on this subject — it might be useful to a lot of people, but I’d really have to think about it first. Sending greetings — and I’m wishing you the best,
Daniel
Thank you, Daniel.
A couple of things for context — I had a turbulent adolescence and often felt alienated, while experiencing pressure to conform to society and my parents’ expectations. They pushed me to be an overachiever, and I willingly took on the challenge, as it was the only thing I was able to derive my self-esteem from. My relationship with my parents sort of crumbled when I started to individuate and diverge from their idealized image of me, and then I went through a couple of traumatic events during my post-adolescence which made me feel and act in even more dissociative and socially isolating ways.
Regarding relationships, I have always valued deep bonds but often struggled to initiate and maintain them. I am very perceptive and attuned to people’s behaviors and personalities but can get easily overwhelmed by them. There is also the fear of getting hurt or taken advantage of if I allow myself to get very close to someone, which is why I sometimes withdraw or semi-consciously push people away by acting like a jerk in order to maintain a safe distance.
I don’t mind being self-sufficient, but it’s come to a point where I feel quite lonely and uncomfortable in my own skin. My inability to make progress on the “women” front is at the core of this. I’ve ignored it for years at a time, thinking (foolishly) that opportunities will spontaneously manifest and realize themselves. A few years back, I considered paying a friend of a friend to have sex with me (which my friend tried to arrange) but refrained from it due to shame and ethical considerations.
I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, but I have occasionally resorted to binge-eating and porn to alleviate stress and numb my feelings. I contemplated suicide recently, and my rationalization was that if it weren’t for the few people who care about me to one extent or another — and my feeling of responsibility towards them — I’d probably do it. I’m scared I might become truly suicidal if my life keeps moving in the “wrong” direction and I don’t do something radical to change its course, which almost seems like mission impossible at this point in time.
Excuse the lengthy message. Perhaps it will help you consolidate your thoughts to make a video, or help some reader(s) who might relate to my situation or realize they have it much easier in life.
Hi Daniel,
I’m currently finishing my Psychology master’s degree in Poland. I want to become a therapist, and I wonder what kind of therapy you think is best. My current interest is in Young’s Schema Therapy and other from third wave of cognitive-behavioral therapy. What are your thoughts?
Hi Ewa,
Hmm, I’m not sure what is best. I am (or was) most drawn to therapies that looked at the connection between unresolved childhood trauma and adult acting out behavior and other adult problems. But that is me… I think the key for a therapist is to follow their heart and their interests — and to go with their own strengths. Also, when I worked as a therapist I didn’t impose my point of view or my main interest on my clients. Some clients had no interest in looking at their childhoods, and preferred that I work with them in a more CBT-oriented way, so I did. So in that way I learned about a lot of different types of therapy and never had one strict one-size-fits-all approach — and my approach might change with a single client from session to session. I tried to meet their needs for therapy…not my own. Wishing you the best!!! Daniel
Hi Ewa. Where exactly in Poland do you study?
You are a God send to me, as you confirm what I experienced over 10 years with Air Canada, the WCB and the Airline division of CUPE after an extremely close call barely escaping to be blown out of the sky.
I wrote my first book, Broken Wings, in the middle of 10 years of perpetual traumatization by the sources above. I think it saved my sanity.
17 years later I picked up the pen again, knowing I had to, if I wanted to die happily.
My books are meticulously researched, professionally edited and available free on my website nattanya.ca in gratitude to my Creator for having survived relatively unscathed.
You confirmed what I experienced during those horrid years being purposely driven into suicide.
My heart goes out to you in gratitude.
Lots of love,
H. Nattanya Andersen, author
God-Man: The Word Made Flesh (1920 AD) by G.W. Carey and Ines Eudora Perry gives info on why your intestinal/stomach acted up.
Hi Daniel,
I have been struggling so so much. Living is very painful for me. My exterior life is great and I feel so much guilt for feeling the way I do. Antidepressants and psychotherapy have not helped. I am taking the summer to really focus on getting better. What would you recommend I do? I was thinking of an inpatient program, ayahuasca ceremony, or ketamine/MDMA/psilocybin therapy… Im running out of options. What do you suggest I do? I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Hi Nicole,
I’m not sure what to say. If it were me, I’d try things that were less intense and risky than ayahuasca before trying other things. For me, self-therapy was deeply helpful. Also, in my experience most therapists are not good, but some can be excellent…if you can find them.
Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel
I would be interested in getting in touch with some of the people who post on your blogs. Would you be able to help me out?
Hi Dee,
How might I do that easily? There are a few stumbling blocks in this. One is that I can’t give out people’s emails unless they expressly want me to. The other is that I have limited time and energy… The easiest would be if you leave your email or some written version of it (like “name at hotmail.com”) in a post and let them get in touch with you, but I totally understand if you don’t want to do that. Any other ideas? Maybe there’s a different website or forum that you can post where people can safely get in touch with each other in a protected way, with direct messages. Do you know of such a thing? If you could find a place like this I would post it on my website for people who wanted to get connected.
All the best,
Daniel
One idea would be to have a facebook group for instance, where followers of yours can connect and discuss. There is also reddit. It seems like there are really interesting and dynamic people drawn to your work and I think it would be really cool to connect.
Hi Astraea,
I like the ideas, but the problem for me is lack of energy and time. I’m too busy already — and I know what kind of a time commitment projects like these can require! If someone else wanted to do this I’d be curious to observe it unfold, but I definitely couldn’t lead it. But I do wish there were an easy way for people interested in these ideas could connect with one another…
All the best,
Daniel
I have mentioned this before, but I started a Discord server with the purpose of connecting people who are on a healing journey. I don’t know if posting a link will flag this as spam, but if there’s anyone that has a Discord account, here is the invite link:
https://discord.gg/FUSxZ4tS5T
It doesn’t have any members right now, but I’d definitely love to have some of the people in these comments in there.
Hi Daniel, setting up a group is easy, the real work would be in the moderation. For that, I think you’d need a trusted moderator, but that is all that you’d really need to make this happen. I hope one steps forward for you.
Hi Daniel
Thanks for getting back to me. I already tried what you suggested, but Youtube obviously is many steps ahead and their algorithms pick up immediately if you try to disguise contact details. I guess it’s for personal protection, and that is probably a very good thing. I am not comfortable posting on public forums. WHat you wrote about is what I am looking for, a safe place for like-minded people to meet online. Maybe, I should collaborate with you to start something like this? I joined a few forums a while, but they became places for victimized people to vent. I’m looking to start something for good vibrations only. Maybe you can contact me.
Hi Dee,
Ah, yes, youtube’s algorithms. But maybe the Discord option that someone else mentioned on this thread is a good idea. The problem is, I agree what you said — that most forums just turn into venting sessions — or even can become verbally abusive. A really good moderator is necessary, I believe, for a good forum. And that takes time and a lot of energy. Basically, it’s a job — and an intense one. And the problem is that I simply don’t have the time or energy. I wish I had a good solution. -Daniel
Like and agree!!
Hi Nicole, I am well-versed spiritual healing and self-therapy and I’d be happy to chat with you, astraea at starmaiden.tv is my address
Hey Nicole,
None of my business but I’m gonna drop my two internet cents.
I went to a lot of therapists, had horribly abusive relationships and remained in that weird trauma fog until my late 30s. I tried various meds, went into the nutter twice and found a few things that helped.
The first thing was a therapist that only dealt with CPTSD/childhood trauma. That’s all she did. I did some weird tapping thing and held some odd buzzers in my hand while talking about the garbage I experienced as a kid. I thought it was woo woo bullshit but, my patterns of thought started to change subsequently leading to behavioral changes.
I also decided I was going to change. This is the most important thing, I think, to really making a difference in your own life. If you are waking up and doing the exact same thing you’ve been doing for years life won’t change. Does that make sense? To change, you actually do have to do things differently. This means learning self discipline, which I found super f’n hard. But, I quit smoking, quit drinking, stopped all drugs and medications, quit my job, broke up with a toxic boyfriend, ditched crappy friends, moved, started a business, started exercising every other day, etc. NOT all at once. Motivation is a rolling ball. You start one thing and learn to stick to it, then you have more motivation, more momentum to change more things.
Anyways, that’s what helped me. I decided to not do things the way I’d been doing the, for 30+ years. I found a therapist that only worked with CPTSD and I started eating better, exercising, I started taking ownership of my life. Life was no longer something that just happened to me.
Hope that helps.
Daniel, what’s your opinion about the HSP trait? Have you heard something about it? Do you have something to share about it from all your years as a therapist? Regards
Hi Patricio,
Hmm, I’m not sure. I’ve read some about HSP, but I’m not sure what I think of it. So unfortunately I don’t think I have much to add. But feel free to share your point of view on it here! Daniel
I don’t know either, but my estimation is that is some made-up concept, full of shit. Pardon me for my french. My reason to think this way is that most therapist especialized in this trait are women, while most patients are women as well (90-10, 80-20). It’s a kind of sustitute to astrology (more so than psychotherapy itself, that is vaguely based on science, in my estimation).
On other things, I’m happy to have come across you, your videos have been extremely helpful. You made me come to my senses, and for that I am grateful (even though I feel more anxious tham before).
I wish you well
Hello Daniel,
I just recently watched your video on why you quit being a therapist. I am going to start college in a couple months as a psychology major. I’ve always been very interested in the human mind and helping other people so therapy and psychiatry have always been major points of interest for me. After watching your video however I’ve become hesitant in studying in that field. Do you believe theres still merrit into going into this field of work or is it something you wouldnt suggest?
Thank You for your time.
Hi Hassan,
I think psychology is a fascinating subject. The therapy field has its limits, for sure, and psychiatry is quite corrupt, so I think it’s important that if someone has a deep interest in the subject, then it helps if they go into it with more knowledge — with eyes wide open. I still think there’s value in studying it — and certainly the world needs more good clinicians…
Daniel
Hi Daniel. I was systematically bullied during college by hundreds and hundreds of people. Most of these trauma related people all live around my area, and areas near by. I suffer from severe OCD due to my trauma however I’m doing my best to self heal and potentially reduce my obsessions.
My question is, you got away from your situation and people who traumatized me, however in my case, there isn’t an option for this, and my previous therapists advised me and my parents stayed in the same area and I learned to deal with these people in a different way, learn to cope better around them, stand up for myself etc
It’s extremely tough though, I encounter hundreds of people each day that are all linked to heavy trauma I suffered
What do you recommend I do?
Thanks for the wonderful content!
Tom
Hi Tom —
I’m overwhelmed with messages right now, but maybe others have ideas for you?
Wishing you all the best!
Daniel
Tom, stay strong. Life is hard for sure. Sounds like you are doing all the work the difficulty is clear which makes you brave. Are you sure that you cant leave? I am fortunate enough to have the choice to be around who I choose but if I did not, I can’t imagine having the space I really need to fully heal and grieve. If my abuse or abusers were active it would be too much. In some way, even if not geographically, but somehow I would keep my self away. In the worst case scenario I would have to figure out a way to mentally separate if I truly had no other choice. But even then I don’t think we can find the strength to grieve without a community, do you have support outside your parents? Are there others who understand how your environment is another source of trauma? I think if you are going to let go much of this trauma and become more of your true self it’s going to take a network of support including those who are also part of the community.
Hi Paul, thanks so much for the empathetic response, it means a lot. Sadly I live with my parents and claim universal credit whilst volunteering for a charity, therefore I don’t have the financial capacity to be able to get away. My parents don’t want to move, and they don’t totally understand the sheer trauma I suffer/ed. it is very hard I must admit, because I face these people every day. I don’t want to disassociate however sometimes I feel I have to, to be able to get through
Many thanks,
tom
Hey Tom,
I was wondering what you’ve found your meaning of life to be?
Hey Tom,
I’m wondering if you’d be up for some exchange?
First, how is today going for you?
Yes definetely! I’m doing okay thank you
Hi Daniel, I recently saw your video on OCD and I agree with many of your conclusions. I am an expert in this topic and have come to the same realization that many of my compulsions and obsessions derive from childhood trauma. I would just like to emphasize that the gold standard for treatment is ERP for OCD, and I do not see this therapy and healing trauma as mutually exclusive. In fact, during the process of recovery I have found they work synergistically. I don’t believe that every compulsion is a product of trauma however.
It was a good video and I just wanted to add my personal experience and clarify that one distinction. Suffers are unlikely to recover without proper ERP intervention.
Thanks Alexander. I really don’t know so much about ERP. But I have noticed that a couple of folks on that OCD video I put up commented that they felt harmed by ERP. Is that common?
Greetings,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I wanted to start off by saying that I have come across your videos recently and I think that you are helping a lot of people with your insight on various mental health topics. I have pretty severe social anxiety. I have been struggling with it for most of my life (I’m now 25). I have a lot of difficulty working and making friends and I am very isolated and lonely. I was wondering if you had any tips or feedback for someone struggling with social anxiety or if you could potentially make a video about it.
Thanks!
Hi Julia,
I did make one video on the subject: https://youtu.be/_joc4rO17Ls
I wonder if it’s helpful… If not, maybe you have an idea for a better video??
Daniel
Like Daniel, I completely agree that the mental health ‘system’ has it wrong. The National Health Service in the UK works slightly differently than the insurance system in the US, but it is also surprisingly similar. I have been a front line mental health worker for the NHS for the last 5 years and can vouch for the fact that mental health support for some people is a 5 minute medication review with the psychiatrist every few months. Talking therapies are limited. Medication is pushed. I come across a lot of people who are struggling because of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, abuse etc; but these issues often go unaddressed. I was interested in becoming a mental health worker because I had my own mental health issues. I developed complex post traumatic stress disorder,(CPTSD) as a result of narcissistic parenting. I couldn’t find help in the NHS so I did my own research and discovered a therapy called Matrix Reimprinting. If anyone would like to know more about how this therapy can change a person’s life for the better, please read my book – The Lost Child – a story of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, available on Amazon. Free on Kindle Unlimited and £2.99 to download the e-book. – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BW9N8ZHL
Hi Charlie,
The system here in the US sounds very similar. Though, my experience is that the majority in the mental health field here care, or at one point cared, and had/have altruistic intentions. Only a small few I’ve run into seem to have malevolent intent.
I’ll put the book you mentioned on my reading list, which is really long at the moment. Seems like there is an overwhelming amount of self help books, philosophies, self help courses, meditations, etc. to guide us along the recovery path.
I’ve just started Macklers From Trauma to Enlightenment. The first few questions are pretty intense. Have you read it and worked through it? The next books on my list are The Body Keeps the Score and If You Meet The Buddha on The Road, Kill It by Sheldon Koop.
I’m curious about your journey. Along your path and out of everything you’ve read, watched or done, what has given you the biggest sense of peace?
Best,
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for considering reading my book. I think we’re in an age where the old paradigms of power are falling away. People are realising that people with credentials/experts in the field, do not necessarily know everything. I’ve just finished watching a show on Netflix called ‘Take Care of Maya’ – it really highlights how single minded those high up in the medical profession can be sometimes, with terrible consequences. Of course, it’s not just the medical profession. The same can be said for the justice system, the education system, child protection services etc etc.
I haven’t heard of ‘Macklers From Trauma to Enlightenment’, no. How are you finding it? ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ is a great book. So is ‘Healing the shame that binds you’ by John Bradshaw. But the book I would say that changed my life was ‘The Mythology of self-worth’ by Richard L Franklin. I did the CBT exercises in that book for about a year. The best thing I’ve ever done for my recovery was Matrix –Reimprinting – a trauma therapy that heals childhood trauma wounds. Hope that helps
I’ll see if I can find that documentary on amazon. You might enjoy the documentary The Strangest Village in Britain. It highlights how good care for disabled can be.
I agree the systems we have in place are flawed. However, societal norms change, information changes making it very hard for any nationwide system to keep up. I don’t think they are failures. In most areas we’ve improved. The mental health field used to be atrocious. We had no understanding of mental well being, no therapies or medications to help anyone and just locked people up and starved them. Aa victim of the shitty mental health machine I’m not necessarily advocating for how we do things now, but it does seem better than it was.
I like that people are more Leary of health professionals but there’s a major downside. For example, a cleaning client of mine (I’m a maid) has a swollen and painful cervical lymph node. It’s a classic sig of Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a treatable lymphatic cancer. She’s untrusting of western medicine so, has decided to go to a holistic practitioner which prescribed some vitamins, salt baths and bone broth. She still hasn’t had her blood tested, even at my urging. A lot of people in my town look for alternative care, most of it seemingly garbage and dangerously experimental. But, there is a balance somewhere with integrative care.
Daniel has published several books. You can find them under the books tab. I decided to try his “Trauma To Enlightenment” since my current state of existence has me at a loss for my “why”.
The books you mentioned have been added to the never-ending book list. I’ve been slowing working through Bradshaw “Homecoming”.
I’ve heard of matrix reimprinting but only in passing. Can you elaborate on how it changed you?
I just wish the system would be a little more open minded when they know they don’t have all the answers. For example I know that Matrix Reimprinting has changed my life, but the NHS wall is impenetrable. They say they are interested in movers and shakers and hold regular discussion sessions, but new information just seems to fall down a black hole never to be discussed again.
I think lots of people on the front line are amazing, but I think that the system works against us the whole time. In some ways, things have improved. For example adult social care for vulnerable adults with learning disabilities – has got much better. But children’s MH services much worse. When I was a teenager my GP sent me to a psychiatrist and the referral took days. Now they have to wait months, even if they are actively suicidal or violent.
You’re right. We do need to find a balance. The problem is when we swing from one extreme to the other. I really hope your client gets the treatment she needs quickly. Aggressive cancers are on the rise exponentially atm. Unfortunately, with anything that’s unregulated you’re going to get your charlatans. And with any line of work I think its healthy to assume at least a 1/3 are incompetent, either because they’re frauds or just because they’re lazy or not skilled enough to be charging the money they do. 1/3 are satisfactory, just hustling their way through life. Only a 1/3 are exceptional. But with 2/3 of crap to wade through, sorting the wheat from the chaff isn’t easy!
Matrix Reimprinting is essentially about reconnecting with our wounded inner child. It’s a strange very emotional sometimes crazy making experience. I had no awareness of my inner child until I started to do matrix reimprinting. Gradually I realised that she came out of the shadows a lot, and tried to hijack situations that I struggled to manage as an adult. I guess in a sense my inner child was trying to rescue the adult me. (I know, it sounds crazy right?!)
But of course, it always goes horribly wrong because the child part of us is even less competent than the adult, so it doesn’t feel like rescuing at all. It feels like self-sabotage. It’s just our inner child screaming to be noticed. My inner child was screaming for 40 years before I took any notice. When I finally realised what was really going on, I was no longer angry at her for shaming me and sabotaging me. I apologised to her for ignoring her all this time. First our mum ignored her all the time, then I did. She gradually grew to trust me because I was no longer scolding and insulting her. I was no longer shouting despicable things at her. I was no longer continuing the abuse of my mother, Instead, for the first time ever, I showed tolerance, compassion, patience, understanding, trust, and loyalty. I gradually showed up more as the adult, and reassured her that I got this. She doesn’t need to try to protect me any more. Gradually my inner child stopped hijacking adult situations. We finally merged. Which is what should have happened naturally as part of the maturing process, if I’d had an emotionally healthy upbringing.
I hope that doesn’t sound too whack a doodle do!
I laughed out loud about your 1/3 assessment. It seems a universal statistic. Haha.
What you said about matrix reimprinting makes sense and doesn’t sound whacky at all. It sounds like you were able to identify behaviors and patterns caused by old wounds and address them.
With all the healing you’ve been through, what brought you to Daniels videos and website?
What brought me to this site? Well, working for the NHS has been a frustrating process, to say the lease. I work with many people that are on anti-depressants and/anti-anxiety medication. Many say they don’t work. The talking therapy that is offered to those suffering from historical trauma is very limited both in time, and variety. They follow a protocol that can not be deviated from. So, almost no one knows about matrix-reimprinting, despite it’s high success rate, because the NHS will not endorse it.
I wrote my book to help guide those who have hit a brick wall with the NHS. (Some have even reported that the NHS has told them, ‘sorry, there’s nothing more we can do for you. You’re too traumatised!’ Or, ‘we can’t give you therapy at this stage because it would be too triggering for you’.
I came across a youtube video from Daniel, and just had to respond, because it was so refreshing to hear a MH professional speak so honestly about the flaws in the system. This kind of integrity is so rare! I guess I just wanted to reach out to someone who feels the same way I do.
I imagine it is frustrating. In regards to the frustration, is it the inability to reach more people, the therapies offiered? What do you see as a solution financially and practically?
Well first of all, the NHS would need to change their business practices. i.e be more open minded, and look for answers outside of the pharmaceutical model. However, because of how things are set up, they simply will not do this.
People in the UK need to stop thinking that the NHS is the gold standard, It isn’t. We have been conditioned to only follow the protocol laid out by the NHS because we pay for the NHS in our taxes. People understandably resent having to pay for private therapy, when they’ve already paid for the NHS through their taxes.
I imagine that people in the UK will only look outside of the NHS once it’s become clear that it’s collapsed.
That’s all very understandable. It doesn’t seem like most governments instigate sociocultural change and, one could argue that’s a good thing. It seems like having a the larger majority of populations decide what changes they want, then impose those on government to pass as rules/laws is a fairer way to ensure the changes are indeed wanted by the society as a whole. But, that’s just my opinion and in essence I agree government should adopt ways in which it makes change easier, particularly in the mental health field.
So, I’m curious. After your struggles and triumph over these struggles, what is your meaning in life? What drives you to get up in the morning?
Daniel,
My name is Michelle. I just discovered your YouTube channel a few weeks ago and feel like I am more loving to myself and others after watching each video. There is something about your compassionate, profound self-reflection that helps me feel at ease when working on my own internal shortcomings. May you be at peace and may positive things find their way to you.
Thanks Michelle!!
Hi Daniel,
I’m a 19 Vietnamese student and I first watch your videos a few months ago. Your videos helped me understand what I was and still am going through, I really appreciate them. In the mean time I myself also want to do some non-profit creative contents on the fields of healing from childhood traumas and personal growth and I want to mention a lot of your philosophy, maybe even translating some of your videos into Vietnamese, I’ll be sure to give credit. Is it OK for me to do so?
Hi Quynh,
Greetings. I was in Vietnam (in the north) last year — I loved it! Yes, feel free to use or translate my work however you wish.
All the best,
Daniel
Thank your so much, Daniel
Thank your so much, Daniel
Hello Daniel, I have think your videos are excellent and your philosophy around trauma resonate with me greatly. My question is a long shot, and I know you have criticised the mental health system, but I wondered if you could recommend a good therapist in the North of England?!
Hi Joe —
Alas, I don’t know anyone in the north of England who fits the bill. I’m not really recommending any therapists right now — I’m just rather out of the loop for that!
Daniel
Hi Joe, if it’s childhood trauma you’re looking to recover from, the best therapy I believe is called matrix reimprinting. It’s such a small,field that any matrix reimprinting therapist will most likely have been trained by the leader in the field mark dawson. I would recommend looking for a matrix reimprinting therapist in your area……so much better than what thre NHS have to offer. Good luck!
Hi, I finally put up some of my own videos that bounce off your ideas.
“Icky covert dynamic in my family” (https://youtu.be/TE0tAZOyklc)
“Physical abuse in my family system” (https://youtu.be/KI8QFrAYr_8)
There’s also a few more on my channel, about how school messed me up (very similar to your thoughts on school/teachers).. and also a video about screen addictions and how it stems from neglect.
Apologies for posting so frequently on here.
– Parik
Wishing you the best, Parik!
Hello!!
I just want to thank you a lot for your videos. You are one of the most honest people I have seen, and I had a lot of new insights atching your videos. I am struggling with a lot of things and losses lately, and I think it is because of many traumas I have endured and shut off. Your videos are helping me figure out myself! Thank you again!
RJ-
You’re welcome!
Daniel
Thank you. You are a brave and noble gentleman. I have learned from and appreciated your perspectives and videos. Bravo.
hello Daniel,
thank you for your videos. your philosophy has echoed the truth that i’ve been feeling for years. i’m currently forced to keep my family in my life for some more time as i become financially independent. watching your videos validates my emotions and is helping me get through this difficult time in my life.
love from Texas
Thanks!
Hi Dr. Mackler,
I love your content and can’t wait to read some of your books! I had some questions. If you feel up to responding great, if not, no worries.
Why do some people with CPTSD move so much? Me and many others move constantly and are unable to settle for long periods in one spot. Do you know why?
Is this why you have travelled so much and haven’t settled down? Just going off info from one video, that could no longer apply.
Lastly, how does one get out of this. I’ve been debating moving again (move no.17) and feel conflicted that this move is just a pattern repeat rather than fully conscious decision. Can’t find any literature on this. You seem like a smart guy, maybe you have more insight into these things than I do. ?
Best,
Jen
Hi Jen,
I’m not sure I have any good answers to your question about movement. Maybe other people who will read this message, however, will… As for how to move forward and heal, there are a lot of essays on this website and I have a lot of videos on healing from trauma, and on doing self-therapy. Maybe some will be useful…
Also, by the way — I’m not a doctor. When I was a therapist I wasn’t a doctor either, rather a licensed clinical social worker.
Sending greetings—
Daniel
I’m sorry, with all the books, content, your own practice, and how you speak I just assumed you had a doctorate.
Your content has thus far been very useful, thank you. I appreciate you, thank you.
Thanks Jen — and no need for an apology. The only reason I clarified that I don’t have a doctorate is that I don’t want to seem like I’m misrepresenting myself. I personally don’t put a lot of stock in degrees or qualifications or titles. I know a lot of people with doctorates who are nincompoops, and I know a lot of people who have no degrees who are brilliant and lovely. I care more about people with real life experience, a good heart, and an open mind.
Wishing you the best!!
Daniel
You aren’t misrepresenting. You just sound very intelligent and have a lot of accomplishments. Living in Boulder, the degree capital of the US, I try to be sensitive and acknowledge those achievements. It important to people around here.
While out to dinner with friends, meeting a woman for the first time I asked her, “what do you do”? She replied, “I have a PhD”. I don’t know if she PhD’d in the mornings or just on the weekends. Haha. Funny, but many of these people come from vey warped families which led them to over achieve or rely heavily on their resume as a source of self esteem.
One woman here, raised by an exceptionally wealthy and narcissistic family went on to become somewhat of a sociopath. She currently pays $300k a year of her own money to support 4 employees at a non profit she started 15 years ago. The interesting caveat is that the non profit has not helped one single person, ever. For 15 years the employees have showed up to a mostly empty building where they sit around for 8 hrs, then go home. She started the non profit to get adoration from people.
Anyways, thank you again. I look forward to more great content.
Thanks Jen — and I appreciate the stories!
Daniel
Do you ever do any free lance life coaching?
Hi Jen,
In the past I have done some freelance conversations for hire — I don’t call it life coaching, because I never really felt like I was coaching anyone….just having a conversation.
Maybe again I’ll do something like that in the future — if or when I have the energy!!
Greetings,
Daniel
Please, pretty please? I feel you have experiences and knowledge that will help me. I can pay in cash, homemade pickles, cheese and jellies. I’m not looking for definitive answers to anything, no one has them. But, I believe you have an awareness that I haven’t been able to find in coaching, therapy,psychiatry, church or among friends. Maybe something you say or an experience you’ve had might connect some of life’s puzzles.
Please, pretty please with a homemade pickle on top.
Jen, I would recommend the book “The body keeps the score”. It talks about movement and body and trauma healing. By Bessel Van Der Kolk.
Irena,
Thank you so much for the suggestion! I heard about this book through an emdr therapist and have seen in me tinned in a facebook group called healing from CPTSD. I didn’t know it touched on moving. With so many rec’s it’s now on my thriftbooks.com purchase list.
To return the kindness here are some resources you might like; Home Coming by Jihn Bradshaw. It’s good for finding your inner child, identifying its wounds and actual steps in protecting and comforting that child. Free Yourself from depression by Michael Yapko. This book is great for identifying maladaptive daily patterns of behavior which hinder physical and emotional healing and subsequently lead to a depressed soul/mind. The Bible, great for learning boundaries and finding internal self worth.
Man’s Search for meaning by Viktor Frankl.
An odd rec that I’m reading right now is Hitlers Biography by Toland. Dark but a great real life example of how a chaotic environment combined with neglect and abuse can lead to psychosis, psychopath, depression, etc.
Some YT channels: Tim fletcher has extensive talks on CPTSD.
Dr.yapko great for targeting behaviors.
Patrick Teahan. Great for validation of feelings and some dbt.
Out of everything I’ve read, watched and learned from others, I’ve found the most helpful things to be developing a healthy relationship with Jesus/God, validation and my current journey of self discovery. Validation meaning hearing others speak about their own emotions as a result of abuse and neglect. Self discovery meaning just that, who am I now as I heal and throw off those burdens I’ve been blanketed in for so long. Lastly, my old therapist who was able to lift me from the fog through validating my feelings. I had a Vaillancourt over my eyes until my late 30s.
Would you feel comfortable saying what you’ve found most helpful to you during your healing journey?
I recently watched your videos on Is My Therapist Good or Not?, On Anxiety, and Critique of BPD; and I was wondering if it is ever worth it to challenge a diagnosis in order to have a permanent record changed? Or, is it something to just let go of and move on from? Would it only be an issue if the record in question is something that might come up later?
Hi Jeff,
I can’t think of any time I’ve seen a patient challenge their diagnosis and get it changed as a result. (Perhaps it does happen, but I’ve just never seen it.). Instead, what I’ve seen (many times) is when patients challenge their diagnoses their therapists (present or past) dig in their heels and work harder to justify it. And often this makes more problems for the client — and maybe even gets the client labels with further diagnoses, usually not very nice ones. Often I think moving on is the best course, as awful as that might be. Wish I didn’t have to say that…
Daniel
Thank you so, so much for your videos. You have helped me give myself something I didn’t know I lost. I appreciate it deeply.
Hello Daniel,
I hope you’re doing great. I’m happy that I found your YT,
I have so much to say but I have no energy to do due to what I have been through.. I just want to thank for the work you do, I went recently to a “therpist” and he basically tried to shut me down.. he did exactly what you described in your videos on YT. Please take great care of yourself, I am proud of you and that I met you ..at least here .. in this virtual space.
May God belss you and protect you.
Majda AM.
I really can’t tell you how much your YouTube channel means to me. I won’t go down my own laundry list of traumas, but reading your video titles overwhelms me (in a good way) by hitting all the right notes. I’ll be devouring this content for some time, I believe. I’m already sharing it with my family, too. So, thank you!
For the past three decades, I have been very focused on stopping the transgenerational trauma that I know worked its way to me over a long, long time. But… I’ve done it more though force of will than through understanding. What do I mean? This has been an obstacle for me, because my energy has been more directed toward STOPPING the transference than being used for my own healing. This, of course, probably made my efforts less effective than they could have been. So now, as I stare 56 years in the face, I find that I am suffering in much the same way that I was suffering when I was 2… or at any point along the 54 years that followed.
So, today I am seeking true trauma therapy that will take me to and through the things I have experienced. The difference is that this time I will have help. Better late than never.
My parents are so toxic I am almost 60 and I need to stop
they comment on my hair my weight my house and there are other comments that aren’t said out loud
they “gave” us some money and now they, in particulate my father has some attitude that we owe them
My sister has been evil all her life and they keep funneling money to her
she had a child with invitro and that cemented my parents obligation to support her.
She has a six figure job but still takes money from them to pay for his school
She is clever, everybody was repelled by her but lo and behold a child was born.
My parents treat her with kid gloves
My mother has cancer now and my horrid sister says so many evil things to me, like I need help and I stole my mothers phone to keep her from talking to her. which is so not true I have no interest in doing that. If my mother wants to confide in my sister so be it. I saw some texts between them about me and it broke my heart
IDK if this is the best place to put this but thanks if anyone read 🙂
Hey there, Daniel. I just watched your video on YouTube “The Two Things That Change People.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyqcqjwHcis Your perspectives are so clear on this subject. And I’m seeing your post now from just two days ago, and man oh man! This hurts my heart. I’m just wondering of there’s something obliging you to continue knowing these people. When I read this post, (after having viewed your video on Greif vs. Trauma) I was surprised to discover that you haven’t cut these people out of your life completely. That’s what I’m hoping for as I “watch this movie.” (Run, Daniel, Run!) (Forgive me for being Captain Obvious here; but it seems like all signs are pointing to NO CONTACT. Am I missing something. P.S. My heart really goes out to you, and a protective feeling came over me, longing for you to seek shelter…for your own safety….once and for all.
Thanks for your share here. Powerful! Self realization is a gift that keeps giving. … you know you are worthy of the I Am way of life.
Sending you a huge hug. Pathological family dynamics like this are so toxic, draining, and heartbreaking.
I had to cut off all contact with my mother and siblings back in 2004, as my mother is a narcissist, older sister is a vulnerable narcissist and my oldest sister has borderline personality disorder (and is the most decent of all of them). My older brother, the family scapegoat, died recently of a heart attack (age 59).
I wouldn’t wish narcissistic parents on my worst enemy. It’s a very lonely life.
Just know that someone read your post, believes you, and understands.
Wishing the very best for you going forward~
Hello Daniel,
Here’s a therapist here—long in the tooth, so I knew the field of clinical social work when it was so much healthier and robust. Later, of course, I witnessed firsthand its tragic cooptation by business and behavioralism. (And I do mean tragic.)
I very much like your take on the source of much of our distress in a “system” of parenting where not only are children unsupported in their needs, but parents too are given short shrift. Evolution didn’t plan for daycare, daddy’s daytime disappearance, and the loss of community. In my second (unpaid) gig as, ahem, poet, I’ve penned some verses about the situation that you might like this brief sample of.
Wishing you the best,
Steve Advocate
New Haven
Here’s Looking at You, Kid
There’s two totalitarians who rule the land,
Down to secretions of the lachrymose gland.
On guard against rebellion’s semaphore,
Each shrug and sigh will be accounted for.
Relax! Release yourself to their control.
It’s in their bosom that you’ll find your soul.
The apprehensive shifting of your eyes
Exposes your evasions and white lies.
The twisting of the lip, how you perspire,
Is all they need—to know that you conspire
Against your father’s law and loving mother,
Who gave you breath and have the right to smother
You in cold blood in your warm bed tonight
Should they suspect your dreams don’t seem quite right.
So give a hug, you know we love you, dear.
With that sweet mug, why would you need to fear?
Congratulations!
Uncle Walter never snuck
Into your room to fuck.
You grew up in the glare of hope,
Misunderstandings weren’t settled with a hammer or a rope.
Your smile as passport, you were able
To cross the border to the cool kids’ table.
You aviated over every hurdle,
The milk of human kindness didn’t curdle.
You didn’t skulk at the back of the class
Like an ass,
Suitably suited and degreed,
Your university wasn’t the street,
The people who raised you
Didn’t disgrace you,
No one lost their job or worked too many hours,
On birthdays and other fine occasions there were flowers.
You learned your grammar and your history,
And if the hardships of this world remain a mystery,
The God of your invention
Who puts the bad boys in detention
Says we all get our deserving,
Including every prisoner and the term he’s serving.
No wonder you’ve grown confident, if not content,
Blinded by good fortune to the way the rules are bent.
If the car breaks down there’s plastic for another,
Or else you borrow from your dad or mother,
And will not lose the job and miss the mortgage payment,
You’ll keep your silverware, your holidays and fine raiment,
Pleased that from your up you can look down
To give the deadbeats a smug, reproachful frown,
Armed with an explanation that to all your friends rings true—
That the holy mess their life’s in
Is in the way of a confession
That they’re not as good as you.
Thanks Steve!
OMG! I’m a creative writer with a diagnosed “mood disorder” 30 years and still ticking. I consider my self a fairly skilled at my craft but for the love of God and all that benefits humankind, Steve Advocate deserves a freaking Nobel Prize or some kind of massive public recognition for his totally on point creative expression.
I could learn so much from people like you and him. I wish there were more folks like you around.
I would be thrilled at the chance to meet up with you guys sometime. Even if it’s just once for coffee at Starbucks! My goodness!
God BLESS your life dude!
May you keep shining your light of truth everywhere in this darkened world!
It’s mostly because of people like you
that I can still love life.
As human beings you ROCK!!✌️
Thanks for sharing your uplifting thoughts! It feels good in my soul.
Steve, I love your poem, particularly the last stanza (verse?).
When I started my healing journey, I really thought that I wanted to become a therapist. I went back to my alma mater and started an MED program. It was so horrible.
All they talked about was : when to force someone into a hospital for “their own good,” why you should live like a poor person and work for very little at a nonprofit instead of private(complete with professors complaining about their own finances!), and then finally one of the professors providing us with “information” about how she’ll provide discounts if anyone wants to use her for observation hours lmfao!!!!
That was my first and last semester. It was extremely disappointing, I assumed we’d be contemplating our feelings more, and learning about being healthy people. Instead it was just extremely toxic. I’ve met more self aware professors via random English classes!
Watching your video on Sexual Abuse of sons by mothers – because there is something I really think needs blowing the lid off. I saw it again only a few years ago and was in a position where I didn’t feel I could comment. I realised on seeing it that it was normal with my mother and brother too – mothers playing with their son’s scrotum – getting hold of it and wobbling it when they are babies and toddlers – when they are changing the nappy, when the toddler is naked and comes running to see them.
When I saw it a few years ago I was shocked because I was horrified having not been around mums and little boys in a long time – and realised what hadn’t registered when I was younger. How awful – and in full view, with absolutely NO thought that there might be anything wrong with them doing so.
That is definitely a thing, still, very much so (UK).
Here is an excerpt from page 62 of the drama of the gifted child by Pia who shares some of her experience which I connected with ;
The world has not changed. There is so much evil and meanness all around me, and I see it even more clearly than before. Nevertheless, for the first time I find life really worth living. Perhaps this is because, for the first time, I have the feeling that I am really living my own life. And that is an exciting adventure. On the other hand, I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth – when it seemed pointless to carry on – because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn’t mine, that I didn’t want, and that I was ready to throw away.
In my own words, I feel and think that a very large portion of the global population is just straight out DELUSIONAL and seriously misguided , and I have suffered from others projections , mainly my family of origin and they from there origins as well… However I can say that my life as I sit here at my keyboard writing this out – is good and I am not even close to being finished ! …and I am 58 years young ! I still have the physical body that I had when I was in my twenties… and teens too! The exterior features have not changed that dramatically…
Other peoples projections are like parasites or viruses , and it takes a healthy psychic immune system to hold them at bay and be un effected by them…
This is why I am starting to feel excited and strong from reading Miller’s book, because it is fostering an inner ( natural inner strength ) of being my authentic self – and the ways in which to do it seem very doable and conceivable from what she is saying and you so beautifully re iterate through your videos Daniel…
Anyway, just some more thoughts I wanted to share…
All my best to everyone here…
Hope every one is having a peaceful and pleasant Memorial Day…
I really like your “immune system ” comment. That’s a great way to put it!
Thank you…
I just wanted to say that Alice Miller’s book about Drama of the gifted child – is a really heavy and deep book ! Wow ! As I have been reading it I think to myself, how can she know all of this? As I have been reading – I feel that I need to takes breaks and go out side to smoke and try to allow this material to seep into my psyche… For years I have been so out of touch with some of my core feelings… As I have been sitting with this stuff that I am getting closer to, I feel a subtle opening – something trying to come up from with in me, but it still feels very faint … I have had some dreams which seem very interesting and revealing different contexts and what seems like dis associated scenarios… I also get a lot of snap shots of memories from my long ago past, however my feelings feel very faint and un effected by those memories… Having more of them as I write about it now… Ones which start to evoke feelings of being loved and appreciated by a teacher who caused me to feel loved in an honest way…
What motivates me to read and share here, is the hope and expectation of my individual/personal sense of vitality and autonomy and ability to rely on my own inner strength / resources to process my own unrequited feelings… Just by stating this, is giving me a feeling of strength and self confidence…
I can get a sense why it feels easy for me to read Guntrip’s book Daniel… Because it is very intellectual and dry – it becomes a merrily intellectual aerobic gyration for me… Alice’s book is striking deep emotional chords with in me which have been asleep and dormant – this is where my real stuff lays…
Anyway, just some thoughts of mine I wanted to offer and share to this community of people who write and visit this page…
Thank you again for your generosity of spirit Daniel…
I just finished watching this. Wow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPySDBkkfw
Is it Worth it to Try to Heal Our Traumas? — A Psychological Cost-Benefit Analysis. Ended up leaving a comment but also wanted to post here too.
Thank you so much Daniel. What a great talk. I’ve been in recovery for a long time and now am the director of my process. In recent years I’ve been gaslighted by therapists who can’t handle that I like to do a lot of different methods and have learned how to be with my childish dissociated parts in a loving compassionate way. The heavy-lifting therapy that put me on this path is called PSIP, using cannabis and psychotherapy, a full-body process where you experience life as a 3-6 year old self. Cannabis has this amazing property that it is very difficult to dissociate, so in a loving space, with a therapist who has done LOTS of their own work it takes you into the horrendous past – but you want to stay and KNOW. Now, daily, I sit with the relational triggers, typically from the work day, that lead me back to my traumatised selves. I sit, as much as possible WITH the dissociated child – my body locking up, frozen, sometimes can barely breathe, chocking and wanting to vomit. I have to and want to Be IN and WITH and hold gratitude for the vulnerable child telling me their physical truth, at an age where physiology and psychology are blended. BE-IN-NESS allows WITH-NESSING. So amazing, so inspired.
Hi
My name is Connie
I am a New Zealander – dont let the health care fool you. I was born and nreed here. I was wad bprm into an EXTREMELY exclusive xult called the Ligjt Of Christ Covent Community. I am oneof ten children.
I ran away from my arranged marriage and life at 19ys…into a pregnancy with mynow husband (love him unendingly, thpugh awate i was raised for it). I am. Now 35yrs, married, 2 boys….. And no. One in the world who wants to accept and acknowledge the 150 pax strong culti lived in
And the horrors. It was not okay. It was not legal. No one has ever been held. To account.
I Live with my trauma, im scared because my monsters have become my friends.
NZ apparently has free health care… But it has no one equipped for this shit (please pardon my manners).
I have gone through multiple therapists and…. Wow… Even with their desire to help … They can’t. And thwir systems are so rigid and dogmatic, its like being back in the said born cult.
Tjeu dont understand. Nor will they let you talk about things…. I have undergone decades of crimes against myself… Ans therapists kewp talking about ‘not retraumatising’… In themosy gaslighting way. As if i didnt know. And in a way that tbey never have to talk about it..
When…. I know i bee. Through a hell they will never know. For this I need help. Do t pussy foot me.
All this to say… I dont. Know to to get on your list.. I camt even afford you.
But I been watching your videos, and for the first time, i didntfeel crazy or completely alone.
Thank you.
Sorry for the ramble. I do t know where else to put it, bit thanj you for helping me in working out that ‘therapy’ was, forme, making thing worse.
Wosh we vouls speak.
CONNIE
Wishing you the best, Connie!!
Thanks for sharing this.
Daniel
Hello Daniel, I am new to your YT channel, and lately have been watching you 24/7. Just beautiful and love the ideas and thoughts you share. Are you doing any speaking engagements this summer? I would really like to see and hear you in person. Your insights and awareness are very enlightening to my new world of being awake. Very much enjoyed your opinion of Jordan Peterson and am in total agreement with you on his wrong idea of child raising. Really glad I came upon your channel and hope to hear more from you in the future.
Caro Spereman
La Vista, NE
Thanks Caro!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
since i confronted my mother about the nature of her business (prostitution and pimping) i have never been the same. I saw a few of your videos and could relate to a lot of things that you said. I have never had the courage to go to professional and tell them my story to seek insights. Like you, i too have been distancing myself from the world and all the people that tried to change me for worse. I write to you in my solitude at the gate of grief to tell you about myself because if felt i should since you shared yourself with me. Or perhaps, you telling me about your journey inspired me to become more vocal about myself. I neither had father to tell me rights and wrongs nor my mother. Through trial and error, and a lot of errors, i now have slowly started putting together all the hazy puzzle pieces of my life that i once overlooked. I dont know what i am today but i do remember a younger more purer confident full of life me which had so much to give to the world. After wronging so many people i now strive to become conscious of my actions and behaviour. I hope one day i can once again become a whole me.
Wishing you the best, Mohit!
Daniel
Dear god Daniel, you are right about everything.
I’m thinking about my mother’s childhood and all the ways her parents, older brothers, uncles must’ve destroyed her childhood, how they must’ve severed her childhood friendships. I suspect they forced my mother to move to a bigger city so she could bring home money.. Or tried to send her to a boarding school. I can only imagine how scheming and backstabbing and conniving my mother’s parents and uncles must’ve been. That poor child that she was, just wanting stability and to play with her friends. And now as an adult, she just watches TV all day – and lashes out whenever you try to talk about her past or childhood. I can see the inner child in her, even when she can’t. Dear god you are right about everything. All the betrayals and backstabbing we experienced as children never actually goes away when we’re adults. And in our modern world we just have so many technological distractions that prevent us from reconnecting with our childhood pain and rage. Dear god you are right about everything.
Thank you for sharing this… It was painful to read, but I am glad that I did… It just reminds me of how when some one lashes out at me, it is really not about me at all…
Hay Daniel, You are going to get a kick out of this one… I was looking for Alice Miller’s book of the drama of the gifted child… I bought it many years ago and it was some were in the large collection of books that I have accumulated through the years… Well I found it in the psychology self help section of my bookshelf in my bedroom… …and do you know what ? I had two others, of her books ; the body never lies, and thou shalt not be aware… Now you are really going to chuckle over this one, I have Harry Guntrip’s book… Yes it is dense and boring , but you want to know the funny thing though?, I have no problem reading it and can understand what he is saying…. I wonder what that is all about… Haha… O no…
Anyway, on a more serious note, I was having difficulty fathoming the idea of healing my trauma through my own inner self resources … But then it started to click based on what you said… Grieving … I have not really cried whole heartedly for many years now… I with held it from my Father when I was with him on his death bed well over twenty years ago… I felt that he did not deserve my massive amount of tears that I needed to give , so I with held them and forfeited the opportunity … That’s right I said no… I could have a shouting voice in my head telling me to do something, and I will do the exact opposite or be completely contrary – just to make a statement of who the boss is and what I will do or not do… I know, I love this about myself… However I do not hate my Daddy, I do have love for him, I just do not like hime that much, just in little doses… I did hold his hand through his death process though…
Back on the subject of crying though, I could really relate to how you said how you cried for years and how movies or reading things or other things would trigger it… I also was at a loss of how to find the events of my past that caused me so much pain and stunted my psychic development.. I do not remember that much at all like before the age of six or even closer to the age of about seven, however as I write about this stuff, I get snap shots of a lot of stuff… Our psyches are so amazing in how they work… I’ve been reading your book about towards truth and Alice miller’s book at the same time… I do have a strong hunch that there was adverse things which effected me while being in my mothers womb and other things when I was a new born which at the time I had not developed the brain at the time to recall those events consciously… so, anyway, such is life… we are all delt a hand of cards and I am playing my hand, and I have a whole lot to be very thankful for…
Nicely said, Thomas. And ha — you have Harry Guntrip’s book. I would be very curious to read it again after all these years. Who knows, maybe I’d really like it now…..
Sending greetings–
Daniel
Smiles… Thanks Daniel… I am occupied with Alice Millers book and your Book at this time – I do intend to get back into Guntrip’s book in a bit…
It felt good to hear back from you…
Thomas.
Hi Daniel,
in one of your videos, not sure which, you’ve mentioned something about people giving you their diaries when you were their therapist. Recently i’ve been thinking about this idea, especially whether i should share parts of my own diaries and it hit me that this is far from a simple decision on my part and there are a lot of considerations.
So, maybe this could be a subject for a video? Like when such a lending of the most intimate parts is appropriate with a therapist? Closer tot he beginning of the therapy relationship or after a more established period? What could be the motivation for a therapy client to do so? What is the “payoff” of this? What could be the hesitations or dangers both for the therapy client and the therapist? What does it require from the therapist? Obvious trust and privacy questions etc.
i know that in the end most boils down to listening to my gut \ intuition, but still it would be very interesting to hear your thoughts on this subject.
Thanks,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
I am well aware that your question is directed to Daniel , however you posted it on this public forum for others to see – which I might add, is very helpful for me , and I would feel safe to say, helpful for others who read.
Your question invokes a large in-depth response from me, although my response can be nothing else but my own personal experience/opinion and projections – I still have one though…
If you want to hear what I have to say, let me know…
My warm regards, Thomas.
Hi Thomas,
i would love to read your response.
Thanks,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Thank you…
At the time that I read your question to Daniel – I got all fired up with a righteous response, but now after a 24 hour period of time and really thinking about it, it feels much more difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings about what you said Roman… Because my response is derived from my direct experience – it reconnects me to so much that I have split my self off from and memories which are coming back to me which I forgot about do to dis associating myself from… However I feel compelled to be open and honest , because what Daniel has demonstrated has been of great help to me …
So first off, keep in mind that I am going to come off as being cynical and might be threatening your possible idealization of your therapist – if you have created one… Just keep in mind that I am not trying taint or bust your bubble sort o speak, even though it sound as if I am…
I have had a lot of experience with psychotherapists, and I strongly agree with all the reasons why Daniel stopped being a therapist…
Being a therapist with a practice in this society which we all co exist in, is a business which has a large overhead and liabilities… A therapist has a license that they have to protect in order to stay in business … That is their lively hood… When push comes to shove – they are going to protect their license and send you down the road with a referral before they stick their neck out for you … I Know this sounds harsh , but truth is painful, and I will not settle for anything less… This whole transference thing onto the therapist is a parent rescue fantasy which we project … There is no human being who is good enough to fulfill that for anyone… I picked this idea up from Daniel and this is exactly what I have been doing for years… Having a relationship with a therapist is a paid for professional relationship … It is paying to have a friend who you do not know who they truly are outside of what you are projecting onto them… I would feel that I was developing an interest in various woman who would give me attention and be sweet and kind to me and flirtatious who were either bank tellers, waitresses or yoga teachers or therapist or massage therapist or a dentist or optometrist etc. , and I would start projecting my need for love onto them, until I started to find out who they were and how their differences were way outside my personal scope of who I wanted them to be for me… Then all of the sudden I lost interest in them and literally forgot about them… They did not exist for me anymore… Can you imagine ? When I became aware of this and saw this dynamic alive inside myself, I really laughed and thought to myself… Wholly shit…
When you say that you are considering the idea of sharing parts of your diary with your therapist, make sure you re read the therapist client contract agreement documentation and that what ever it is that you feel you want to share does not give them leverage to pathologize you or put them in a position to report anything… I know this sounds extreme and I am making an assumption of a most extreme example, I just saying though… I remember when I was in therapy how the therapist would give the nuance of a frown in response to what I felt I needed to discuss … So this signaled me that it was not ok to broach the subject that I really needed to unpack… What a fucking joke… There was a power differential which really contaminated and corrupted what could of been an open honest exchange of truth between two human beings… The same thing that was perpetrated on me by my parents, although different reasons used to justify the power differential…
The stuff that you write in your diary Roman are your Jules and pearls and diamonds ! Protect them ! I am starting to cry because I gave mine away to people who were not worthy of mine, and they were taken and trampled on by my parents…
You know, it became apparent to me through my observation and a slight shift in my interpretation of my perception that what I think in my mind is projected out side of my physical self – and those thoughts are received or captured by others – either knowingly or usually unknowingly by most folks. As a result of this, it confused my sense of boundaries and gave me the sense that other people who I did not know already new things about me or were being told things about me by some one I had confided in… I always wanted to deconstruct this mental mechanism to understand how it worked . But it was a taboo subject to discuss..
I remember the story about Richard Alpert ( Ram Dass ) who when he first came into contact with his Guru Neem Chrolee Baba or Mah harrashee – I know that I am butchering the spelling here… Well after Ram Dass had came into contact with him and was fed by the temple servants / deciples , Ram Dass ‘s new guru told him about how he was thinking about his late mother when he was starring into the night sky filled with stars… Well this blew Ram Dass away completely … He could not fathom how this could be done or how could his guru know this… Ram Dass said that for the next few days at the ashram he was curled up in a fetal position crying with this heart reaching pain in his chest … It reminded me of when I was in community college taking Piano class and had a piano teacher who was old enough to be my mother too… Well it seemed that she knew stuff about me as well and knew about the stuff I kept very close to my chest and was off limits to every one, except for payed sex workers or phone sex operators… Well I had bumped into her at a woman’s shoe store and she was playfully teasing me in a friendly way before I knew who she was when I saw her in the class for the first time… Or the second time now… I saw this piano teacher in a woman’s shoe store a month or so before I started class… I was in the woman’s shoe store buying some hot looking shoes for a Portuguese lady that I would see on a regular bases who was an at home erotic masseuse who let me dress her up… Lol! Yah no shit… ! O, and to add to this, the piano teacher sounded like the same woman I had gotten off with on a phone sex service call a few months prior … Try to put that one together. Yah, completely illogical and impossible … Right?
Well, anyway, as I am in class with this woman and weeks are proceeding, she is reaching out to me and trying to connect with me… The attention she was giving me felt wonderful ! My parent rescue fantasy is growing fast and powerful ! To rephrase it, my new mother that I never had coming to rescue me wish… Haha… Well, anyway, it was a rough and rocky road for me and it did not feel good at all… Because I had a projection of her that she needed to adhere to and all the personal stuff about my sexual activities were off limits to her… I assigned the role of the good mother, any time she flirted to me or seemed to come on to me or seemed to give me a hint about my fetish, I would blow her off and reject her – and I did it quite purposely and abruptly… My ego development grew strong and out of balance for me in order to protect myself from acting on my core impulses which came out of my emotions or child hood needs. The fact that there seemed to be a kind of magical phenomena happening between me and the piano teacher really pulled at my heart and I wanted her desperately to be my new mother who could really love me in a healthy way that I always fantasied about being loved… But I was going to be in control of this situation and I was only going to be vulnerable provided I knew how the scenario looked before hand… The idea that she new about stuff that I had not told anyone was just creating a lot of pain in me… I really needed to vet and get a sense of some one before I let my emotions ingulf them with my unrequited needs… Based on Ram Dass’s experience and his fellow decibels – they dropped their defenses and opened up completely to Neem Krolee Baba … They assumed that if he already knew about their most highly personal secrets , then it was safe to assume that he knew everything … So what was the point of having personal boundaries… ? Well, I say , fuck that ! I choose to see through the B.S. of this natural mind phenomena … I want to know who you are as a person … Are you a stable person who lives a responsible life who has their personal affairs in order and who is organized and financially stable… Are you good enough for me to connect with… Do you meet my criteria … ? Yah, that’s right… But let us not forget, I can be fucked up though … Makes a lot of sense, yah? Hahaha…
So As I am thinking Roman, there is so so much more of my story and personal experience that has ensued over the years… Some people think that I am a sociopath because I do not seemed to be effected by the mind phenomena that the average person seems to so predictably be emotionally manipulated by… Some people frame this stuff as psychiatric problems, others in the spiritual movements frame it as magical and god like, from the human soul… I frame it as smoke and mirrors and a way to really throw some one off balance who does not have a strong sense of reality and how some people can lie and abuse their power for there own selfish needs or in the service of a different agenda which we are not aware of… I strongly agree with Daniel about being your own parent and helping our selves with our already gifted abilities to heel our selves and really learn to love our selves and respect our selves first… I also strongly agree and am on board with the idea of being in a relationship with another takes time to develop and to build trust and to respect the others boundaries and to get to know who some one really is is a timely process with no guarantees of what we think we want to get out of the relationship. As time goes on with some one who we are ok with , we naturally start to show our true selves and reveal our secrets little by little as we show in many continual baby steps how we are worthy and trust worthy to be able to hold that and be a container for one another…
Anyway Roman, that is some of the stuff that came up for me in regards to what you shared…
If any one has some input or wants to add to what I said or wants to critique my words and claims, please do … I am open to your comments and choose to be teachable…
Thank you again for being open to my opinions Roman, and thank you for creating this forum Daniel for all of us to share…
Hi Thomas,
sorry for the how late i’m replying to you, it took me a while to get to it.
So first, regarding what you’ve written and suggested about sharing the personal journal i can understand. it’s not cynical at all and comes from a place of self preservation and and protection. all of what you suggested are good and sound precautions which i’m going to try and implement. On the other hand, other than having a probably different mental health system that is somewhat beneficial to he patient (even the public one), i’m starting to really trust my current therapist. and i wasn’t that easy on her. We had a bit heated argument with anger and frustration that afterwards she and i grew from it. So now while i’m still interested in lending her a journal or two, i’m really in no rush and more careful, since it occurred to me that, as you said, these are my pearls and only after a very high degree of earned trust i’ll allow for someone else to peek and hold them.
Second, regarding the projection of needs onto others, i get it. it has also happened to me a lot and still does. Also it’s one of the things i’m very careful about and probably one of the first things i said in the beginning of therapy that i’m aware and fear of doing with the therapist. With her (the therapist)i believe it’s possible to really talk about it as it comes up and she’s for it and supportive so far. Heck, even with a very good friend i’ve discussed my projections onto her and since we have enough of trust and intimacy, not only did i feel safe with sharing but also learned from it and her response.
Thirdly, what you written about the subject of projecting outside of one selves thoughts and feelings that are captured and perceived (mostly unknowingly) by others is a very interesting and important topic. you should look more into it and find the people who are interested and not afraid of discussing it. i believe that people can sense stuff from others as an intuition and the more healed and connected you are the easier it is. not sure if this is exactly what you’ve described but at least similar. like feeling someone’s worry or anger just from their “aura”. But this shouldn’t undermine your boundaries so there’s something else going on there, which will be on you to discover.
Fourth, about the last paragraphs, i have nothing to add other than generally agreeing. you sound like someone who is building an internal mental “backbone”. i’m also skeptical of a lot of general values of society and people and especially in spirituality, where people there can be even more dissociated sometimes.
Thank you for getting back to me Roman…
I really appreciate what you have to say… I’m just reflecting on it and letting it sink in …
Much thanks for you in sharing you experience with me and others who read this…
My warm regards , Thomas…
P.s. I don’t have a lot of energy right now do to finishing a long days work in helping a friend move their Cafe, but I will say that I really resonated with your experience with your therapist – I hope I can experience this some day or at least with an other human being who I can feel real about and authentically healing with… Kudos to you Roman… Smiles…
Hay Daniel ! Hi…, smiles…
I just want to touch base with a few words…
First and fore most, thank you for the giving of your self through your work .
I’ve been watching and re – watching countless videos of yours in the last week, and they have been very helpful. Some of them create an impulse in me to get up and go out side to smoke a cigarette and come back to it, and others I feel the need to keep re – watching because the feelings that should be activated have been put down for so long – that my denial mechanism and numbness are in full force – most likely more than I am aware of. However your opinions and shared personal experiences of self therapy is something that I am on board with and have been doing in a partial degree for a long time … I arrived at some of this on my own form what it seems on the surface, however at a deeper level I think I just picked up on an emotional (energetic) influence that just resonated with my psyche …
Anyway, there is so much to say, and the similarities of your childhood compared to my own are so parallel … I was born in 1965 and will be 58 this coming July. I feel that I have so much to hear and listen to from others stories and personal traumas – which really bind me to the human condition and human story… Although I do not have an authentic sense of love for my remaining family and a lot of time I am just tolerating them… I do not mis my late father at all, however I do feel a sense of sadness for my mother who is 100 years old… My half sister who is almost 10 years older than me who’s life is threatened with cancer at this time…, well I am not real sure how or what to say or feel right now… I will say though , now I am much more willing to empathize and contemplate about the traumas my mother , father , and sister went through and how and why they were compelled to dis place their feelings and projections on to me… It’s not all about me, even though my life and psychic development has been significantly effected at the behest of my families mistakes and ignorances…
I have really come to a place of feeling very humbled by the experience of being human with a personal history – I can not honestly hate anybody or project a self righteous extreme judgmental stance onto others who do hurtful things to other people … All I can really do is look deeper and acknowledge how I am capable of doing the same thing…
It was suggested to me about 16 years ago to imagine my parents when they were little children – the thought of that still makes me cry just as it is now… Hmmm… wow. This human experience is very humbling…
I can really understand why it is so important to not fill my head with bullshit distractions, because it then becomes harder to recognize and to connect with what I truly hunger for… although the bullshit distractions of mine did not have that strong of a hold on me anyway, because it was supper easy to drop them at the way side when I recognized some one or something that speaks to the core of my being – such as what you are doing here Daniel …
Thank you again for what you are providing to all of us here Daniel….
Thomas S.
Thank you so much, Thomas.
Wishing you only the best!
Daniel
I just want to say that I just came across your YouTube video Daniel, and I am in the process of writing my own book on the very same topic. I read Alice Miller’s book Drama of the Gifted Child in college when I was in a severe depression and realized I had given up my self to take care of my parents. This assured me more safety. My mother was emotionally, sexually, verbally abusive and my dad was too weak and emasculated by his own mother to defend me.
I was a therapist myself. I hated taking people’s money to care about them. I quit and now volunteer my time to help others.
My experience with therapists are similar to others on this platform. They didn’t seem able to support me and develop my thoughts and feelings with me. It was like they were too scared, especially about sexual feelings or deep raw needs. I wonder if I was hitting too close to their traumas or if the profession made it too risky to go to those places. I had one psychiatrist who went out on a limb for me and sacred my life. Today, I am in my still developing full self! I found a partner who fully accepts me and validates me. In turn, I have finally felt able to be myself and choose supportive friends.
I hardly talk to anyone in my family. I am tired of everyone telling me I need to have a relationship with my mother. She is so abusive and condescending. I shrivel into a suicidal mess when I am around her.
If I could give one piece of advice to people on your platform, it is to not feel guilty of getting the toxic people out of your life, even if they are family. A toxic person is someone who makes you feel bad.
Get yourself financially secure, and go out in your own!
Thanks Daniel.
Sounds great, Stacy!
Daniel
@Irina
Hi, I couldn’t reply to your last comment, as I think the comment chain got too long.
You read my mind when you said “cultivate your own joy.” After visiting my home country and interacting with my niece and nephews.. I feel this profound passion for life, to try all the things I never got to try. I haven’t ridden a bike in forever, I haven’t swam in forever. And there’s so many things I’ve never tried. I want to do all these awesome amazing things all of a sudden, to fill myself with joy. It’s an overwhelmingly amazing feeling I’ve never felt before. I’m even amazed when I see buses on the street now – it’s like I’m seeing through the eyes of a child again.
And absolutely 100000% agree with avoiding cynical people at all costs. They might have their own traumas, but I hate it when they try spreading it to me (and they certainly have tried and even succeeded). I’ve had two people recommend me very violent movies (one being one of my older cousins). The past few years, I had been filling my head with all sorts of horrible, cynical things – there’s no shortage of that out there in the world, whether it’s movies or podcasts or otherwise. Ughh.
And yes, I have a way of communicating with my niece still. Her mom has facebook video chat. Though I love the idea of communicating with her via snail mail – fun idea!
Daniel,
It seems to me that the needs of a child are not only broad, but they are infinite. They never tire of playing – they would play 24/7 if they were allowed to. Whether it’s playing outdoors or playing on tech devices.. They never tire of it. Children are hyper-intelligent and seem to constantly need novel stimulation, and there’s no adult who can ever provide that. (Or maybe that’s just an issue with kids who are raised on video games and other technology?) There’s no adult who is creative enough to constantly provide new and interesting activities to keep a child entertained.. Nor does anyone have the time to do so, with the need to work and put food on the table. So it seems like no matter how hard a parent tries, it is inevitable that they will fail to meet a child’s needs, which are infinite and boundless.
It’s like we need humanity to enter a completely different paradigm, where play and creativity is placed above all else. All this considered, human existence seems like an impossibly gargantuan task to me.
You’ve done a great job trying to explain these things in words, but I think these childhood and babyhood traumas and pains go far, far deeper into territory that cannot be explained in words. Hence, I think no one can ever recover fully in this world – it would be far easier to go through the eye of a needle.
Parik, you say a child’s needs are infinite and boundless. I have to disagree with you. Children do have their limits, just like everyone with a body. The physicality has it’s limits. The mind has it’s limits. It is very important, as a parent, to teach children boundaries. There is time for play and there is time for rest. There is time to be loud and time to be quiet. Overactive nervous system is not a healthy thing. A child’s inability to rest is a symptom. All children have limits and understanding those limits is very important. When my kids were little I was teaching them self-regulation. Yes, sometimes they needed help identifying when it is time to rest. Parents teach the children healthy balances. Hopefully! If the parents themselves are aware of those. And of course, kids have a lot of energy and it’s wonderful! I stay healthy to keep up with them. Best wishes!
Irina,
Yours is a pragmatic and realistic approach for sure. I’ve wanted to have this discussion for a while now. Would you mind sharing how you taught your kids boundaries and self-regulation?
I also have a few additional questions for you if that’s alright..
1. Should rest time be dictated by the adult, according to the adult’s schedule?
2. Do children naturally have the same capacity to be quiet and reserved that adults do?
2. Do you believe certain physical locations are poorly suited to children, but better suited to adults (who can sit quietly without complaining)? E.g. airports, airplanes, big cities.
Cheers
Would you mind sharing how you taught your kids boundaries and self-regulation? – mostly by example and by providing that kind of atmosphere. It’s like with healthy eating – kids are not going to be eating junk food if there is no junk food at home. It’s important to establish a healthy routine at home for all, including adults. Take walks. Take naps (or quiet time). Screen free activities. Camping, being in nature, reading books together, having conversations together about things that interest you and the kids. Being curious about children, asking them questions, observing them, really caring about the things that they care about. Oh, and wearing them out physically. Kids are way more likely to take a nap if they had rigorous workout. And I don’t mean in the gym. I mean out there, in nature. Running, swimming, climbing trees, jumping rope, basketball hoops, whatever. Active lifestyle is a must for healthy kids!! No way around that!
1. Should rest time be dictated by the adult, according to the adult’s schedule? – everyone has to be accommodated as much as possible and flexibility is key. Yes, my schedule as an adult is very important, if I have to be up in the morning, I want the house to be quiet at night. I communicate my needs openly, I explain why it is so and I expect the rules to be followed. Reasonable rules. For all. I set my boundaries, first and foremost. I model to kids what a healthy lifestyle is.
2. Do children naturally have the same capacity to be quiet and reserved that adults do? – Absolutely not. Most kids are super active and that is to be taken into consideration. Public schools require way too much sitting and quiet time.
2. Do you believe certain physical locations are poorly suited to children, but better suited to adults (who can sit quietly without complaining)? Most places are poorly suited for children. Our society is poorly fitted for all, actually. We need to have more esthetically pleasing places, places where one can move their body. We are not robots, kids and adults alike. adults are just more trained to behave like robots. It is really sad. Kids are still true to their nature, but with time become more, as you call it “quiet and reserved” – I see it as a bad thing. We tame our nature, our curiosity, our desire for movement and we end up with chronic diseases. We live in an unhealthy set-up. The way life is set-up in the western world is not very good for anyone, children or adults. But I fight against it in small ways – I dance in airports and let my kids run around. Because I am not a robot. And neither are they. I homeschool my children too. Because public schools – don’t get me started!!! 🙂 Same with 40 hours a week in cubicles. Bad.
(Whoops, I wrote 2 twice ). We agree on a ton of things actually. I agree that kids are naturally very active and that school systems around the world are dreadful.. and even when I wrote my questions I was hinting that children turning into “quiet and reserved” adults is an awful thing. I see it as society breaking their true, wild nature. Adults just go along with all the boring, ugly places/spaces because they’re so disconnected from their childhood needs. So yeah, I totally agree with you that we need more aesthetically pleasing places, and places where we can move our bodies. I found a good quote on facebook: “Earth without art is just eh”
As for differences between the western lifestyle and lifestyles in other parts of the world.. I have a ton of thoughts on that subject after visiting my home country. Kids in the villages have lots of open space to play outdoors and climb trees.. But the caveat is, the adults are all so jaded and focused on work that even in the villages they destroy a child’s nature. In the villages, kids would get scolded and sometimes even hit for being too playful. Very strict. Even in villages, they have the same public school system that forces kids to sit at a desk all day. In the villages, the adults all want to move to bigger and (supposedly) better places because they can’t appreciate how wonderful it is to have outdoor spaces and trees for the kids to climb. They just don’t get it. So it seems adults are the same everywhere, whether it’s in New York or a village in Nepal. But kids in major cities (even in developing countries like my own) – their parents don’t let them go out much out of paranoia, so they end up developing screen addictions. “Just shut up and watch TV” the parents tell their kids. It’s a worldwide problem unfortunately.
My parents had zero interest in outdoor activities, camping, any of that sort of thing.. I actually would’ve loved to do those things as a kid, and it was only later I developed a screen addiction myself (my dad has always had a screen addiction too). That’s just one of many ways they screwed me up.
Yes, sad! Thanks for the info on life in small villages in India. That is so sad to hear. Most adults are fear driven and they instill that fear in their kids. The lack of the divine spark, the lack of joy for pure and simple living – that is depressing! I can only say that I will do what is in MY power to influence my life and the life of my children and those around me, even if a little bit. You can too – continue to talk about these issues, continue to make changes in YOUR life! The world will get better, eventually!! I believe! One person at a time! One step at a time.
I’m definitely trying to change things within my own family system. When I visited our village, I played with my niece using my imagination to the best of my ability.
She used a little fake syringe to play doctor with me and the adults got up in arms: “How dare you use a syringe on big brother like that!” I swear they’re nuts lol – that’s how uptight they are. She also used a flashlight to show me mangos growing in a mango tree. That might’ve been the first time an adult listened to and engaged with her like that (and it was also the first time I had had fun in a long time). I felt such joy from the simple act of her showing me the mangoes up in the tree.
I think I sparked her own imagination and she felt a sense of delight that she hadn’t felt before. I could see it in her face. The adults just sit around and talk about nothing all day, so she was probably going nuts. I think she even wanted me to be her parent. Let me explain: she wanted to play teacher/student with me, but she instructed me on what questions to ask her when I was the teacher.. She made me ask “do you have a mommy/daddy?” And when I asked her, she said no. And then she said “Now ask me if I want to come live with you.” And I asked her if she wanted to come live with me and she said “Really? Will you be my dad?” Heartbreaking. I didn’t want to leave. I don’t know when I’ll go back to visit my village.. If it’s too long, then she’ll become a completely different person.. a jaded teenager.
The adults there also like to scheme – arranged marriages are still a thing in my village and the adults like to scheme about marrying their kids off when they’re older, or sending them off to boarding schools. Depressing. Thank you so much for being different, Irina. People like you are proof that there ARE some good things about western culture.
(I was also extremely depressed at the start of my trip and I definitely wish I’d been able to engage with my niece even more than I did.. It wasn’t perfect but I did my best. I had to push through the depression in order to play with my niece.)
Oh, that story sounds beautiful, Parik! You playing with your niece! I am sure she will remember it forever! You planted a seed and it hopefully will grow! Is there a way you can communicate with her thru mail/email to keep up the connection? Sounds like she can use someone magical in her life to share her dreams and thoughts with! 🙂
Please cultivate your own joy whenever you can. Find ways to grow the wonder. I use simple things, like nature and animals. I marvel at flowers and birds. I try to avoid the big systems and cynical people as much as I am able! I like to spread the joy to those who are open to receiving! And it multiplies! I wish you all the best!
Irina,
That was beautifully said and I could not agree more. I am now watching my daughter raise her daughter to be curious, kind, and imaginative. She has direct access to nature and my granddaughter runs and plays outside everyday with one or both parents. They eat healthy and read stories every night. They share affection and laugh a lot. During a recent visit I told my daughter that I am very happy for the childhood my granddaughter is getting to experience, but that every child deserves the same. I believe trauma is the root of all the ills of this world whether it is intentionally or unintentionally inflicted. Anyway, kudos to you for sane, healthy parenting and for sharing your experience. To be validated by your caregivers, to be able to be yourself and to be
nurtured is a basic human need. One loved child at a time is the way to restore balance to our planet. It is at least one way. I am not saying this is an easy process; it’s not. But, it is worth the effort a million times over. I say this both as a parent, grandmother, and a mental health professional who worked with abused kids in adult bodies, often with addictions and hindsight is 20/20.
Warm regards
Well said, and I appreciate you P.O.V.!
I appreciate the exchange between you two—thank you.
🙂
Hi Daniel,
Have you read or head of the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk ?
I haven’t — yet!
HI Daniel,
I am delighted to make contact with you. I just watched your youtube video on “The human need for platonic touch”. I have found from my own experience there was a much unfulfilled need in me for human touch as an adult. I found my saviour in attending regular Vital Danza classes, were I nurtured my own movement to the music which also included connecting to other attendees through touch in a respectful way. God bless the good work. Peace, Peter
Thanks Peter!
Daniel
Hey Daniel.
Do You find any disatvantages of being very good-looking/handsome man. Could You maybe make video about this
Best Wishes!
JM.
Hi JM,
Thanks for the idea. I’ll think on it!
Daniel
Such a brilliant topic that would be great about women, too!
Daniel already made video about women. Chceck his youtube page.
Hi Daniel,
Not sure if that’s within your taste, but have you seen the Kung Fu Panda movies?
They have a very strong message about believing in yourself and the true meaning of “inner peace”, while overall crafted with a good amount of heart. i don’t want to spoil too much if you haven’t seen them (and wish to) but i recommend especially the second movie (which requires to see the first for the context).
Personally i cried while watching them at times, but i’m also very sensitive from my wounds that emerged within the healing journey.
With regards,
Roman.
Thank you Roman — will look into KFP movies
Animated movies are the best! Finding Dory is my favorite. Love anything with great humor.
Makes me sad , Daniel, that you are, presumably, unwilling to consider the homosexual condition in light of childhood trauma. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has shared some compelling insights about the origins and the underlying mechanisms that encourage acting out on same sex attraction. Please do not attack me here, as I realize this theme is HIGHLY inflammatory. Just sharing another p.o.v.
I haven’t read into what that lady has said about it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if homosexuality were a response to one’s childhood. But also I think romantic love in general is usually pretty motivated by childhood trauma. Ultimately romantic love is expecting someone to see you, fulfill your emotional needs, love you no matter what, support you, prioritize you above everything else, etc, all things that parents are supposed to do for a child, and if the parent actually did effectively, the child would learn to do for themselves. So romantic love in and of itself is a form of parental rescue fantasy, as Daniel calls it.
Homosexuality is just a different manifestation of that same childhood trauma response, except it’s looking to the same sex to fulfill those unmet childhood needs instead of the opposite sex. Perhaps heterosexuality is more accepted because that childhood trauma manifestation results in the continuation of the species (which they think is a good idea for some reason)
@Christine Badostain
I’ve never heard about Dr. Joseph Nicolosi and his work, but i’m gonna check his work out, if he’s right on. Here’s an artical that i think is right on:
https://restoringhopeprisonministry.wordpress.com/2023/01/30/homosexuality-understanding-root-causes/
Sounds good. I already listened/viewed the youtube video to which you are referring (if it is the same woman from another comment you posted). She has good insights.
This article was disgusting to read and i had to stop myself half way through.
It felt like a conversion therapy manifest through a twisted lens of trauma. As Brian above said, even if homosexuality is a response to how you were grown and parented in childhood, it is no different than any other romantic relationship attempt people try to unconsciously find a rescue fantasy.
I’ll even go further and paraphrase Fred Timm that anything that strays away from our societal conentions and heterosexual gender roles actually challnges it, which overall is good for our growth as individuals.
Back to the article, it is highly biased and it’s hard to miss. From the underlying assumption that homosexuality is wrong; the comparison with pedophilia which even if both are trauma responses, it’s a really bad taste to talk about both; the mentioning of god as the creator; the claim of what is natural to do with our bodies or “what they were not meant to do”; only the mentioning of gay men and whatever else is written in the second half.
Also, while talking about trauma, there is a contradictory shallow view of sexual desire as just a “physical thing” which missed the point or subtlety that was written in the same article about “wanting to be held” etc (which i agree with).
The whole aura of the article is “gay people don’t even understand what’s wrong with them” which is hidden under the layer of trauma talk. like covert smugness that deep down comes from the writer’s disgust or whatever unresolved things he/she has.
Most of us don’t know what “wrong” (root causes) with us; that is why some of us seek out therapy.
Thanks for sharing your p.o.v. Roman.
This article is absolutely dreadful. Homosexuality is an abnormality? Even oral sex is unnatural!
Is this nameless guy a psychologist? I pity his clients. His own biases are all too obvious.
Article is good, but written from the perspective of a religious person. it doesn’t convince me that much.
Please see my comment to Roman below.
You contribution to the conversation is appreciated. Let’s keep up our healthy desire to hear all of the p. o. v.’s
Hello Daniel
I was wondering if you heard of Dr. Ramani or Patrick Teahan, and if so, what are your thoughts and perspectives on them. I enjoy watching all your guy’s content and feel you have similar points of views in one way or another.
Hi Waqar,
I don’t really know about them. Maybe others here do, though…
Daniel
Hi Waqar,
I agree that Daniel and Teahan agree significantly on issues of trauma. I feel like there is a paradigm shift occurring in the world of mental health, shifting in the direction of Daniel and Alice Miller. It’s still a long way away, but more and more thinkers I’ve encountered are seeing the truth about trauma, attachment and healing. Psychiatry and the medical model of psychiatry is still pretty much dominant with insurance companies and stuff, but significantly more individuals are seeing how harmful psychiatry can be. I think Amanda Curtin’s 3 year trauma groups are in line with Daniel’s way of describing trauma.
Psychological trauma is a clinical psychological and psychiatric concept and it’s been working perfectly within the medical model framework of psychological diseases for decades. If you want to leave the medical model behind you have to unlearn to think of people as psychologically broken, defective, damaged because of violence. Buddhist theory of life, minds, and hearts is a great alternative. Although in the west it is rather the disease model moving into Buddhist thought than Buddhist theory clearing the many hundred years of white folks’ dreadful accounts of human nature and women’s, people of color, and victims of violence’s in particular.
There is an interview by Ayurdhi Dhar on Mad in America with the Harvard psychologist Joseph Gone where they speak about the advantages (insurance billing) and limits of the trauma concept (further vicimization of already marginalized communities). It will certainly not bring a paradigm shift to psychiatry or psychology. Why? – because the disease model is the foundation of Western medical thinking and the trauma concept changes nothing about that.
A must read on the subject of the history of the concept is David J. Morris’ The Evil Hours. A Biography of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Hello Daniel,
Have you ever heard of an Psychotherapist of the name Pete Gerlach? He made Youtube videos in whitch he explained that various mental health problems are originally caused by psychological wounding in the early life, i think he’s brilliant! He passed away seven and half years ago.
Here’s a link to his Youtube channel page:
https://youtube.com/@gercacn
Best regards
Marquis
Marquis,
I’m not entirely on board with the ideas of Internal Family Systems therapy, but I think Mr. Gerlach’s ideas of trauma and its effects are very much in line with Daniel’s thinking. Though, I think him being a parent himself kept him from taking his ideas to their logical conclusion. I believe holding parents accountable and expressly NOT forgiving them for the traumas they inflicted is a huge part of the healing process that many people never touch up on due to their trauma-motivated loyalty to their parents.
I’d say around 90% of Mr. Gerlach’s ideas are amazing and far ahead of their time. If anyone else loves Daniel’s work and wants to hear from people with similar ideas, Pete Gerlach is a great starting point.
What don’t you like about IFS, specifically?
@Brian
I called Pete Gerlach brilliant, i didn’t wanted to write that, instead i wanted to write: His YouTube channel is worth checking out.
Now as for Daniel Mackler, i don’t think he’s that brilliant as his followers believe, also, he never accepts critism.
I don’t think it’s fair to say he never takes criticism, one look at any of the comment section of any of his more controversial videos will show that he’s got plenty of people saying nasty things about him and those comments are all still there. Maybe he never directly addresses criticism, but with stuff like that, people have an emotional stake in their belief that they’re right, so I don’t blame him for deciding not to challenge that.
Agreed. I feel that Daniel is very wise to avoid commenting on his viewers comments in general. Hopefully we all want to learn the truth through sharing our insights and Daniel is extremely insightful in my opinion.
Had a dream this morning – probably the most important dream I’ve ever had. This dream made it crystal clear how I was so starved of love and affection and empathy.
I was a baby in this dream, and my father was annoyed at me and giving me this long lecture (as he often did in real life). This yelling and lecturing was probably over university/school.
Because I was a baby in the dream, all I could do was cry. I desperately wanted my dad to comfort me, to hold me and love me and say nice things to me. This dream made me realize I never had that. I felt like I was suffocating in the dream. I was thinking “can’t you see I’m hurting, can’t you see I’m suffering you idiot? Stop yelling at me and comfort me!!!” But my father was completely oblivious to my emotions as he angrily lectured me.
I often relate to Daniel’s videos on a theoretical level but it’s hard for me to connect with the idea that EVERYBODY is traumatized. But this dream really made it clear for me. I was so starved of love and affection that I literally felt like I was suffocating as a baby.
And the catch is, it felt like I was a baby in the dream (my inability to speak and how I could only cry), but I still had the body of an adult. I think this shines a light on what Daniel says about how we’re all just unloved, uncared for, hurt babies in the bodies of adults.
But don’t expect any of the mental health workers I’ve dealt with to understand this. Don’t expect them to care or ever go this deep. Don’t expect to find that warmth or nurturance in them. Never, not in a million years.
Thank you for sharing this seminal dream with us.
Hello Daniel,
I am an immense fan of your work. Your teachings have greatly influenced the way I view the world, and I couldn’t be more grateful that I found your channel when I did several years ago at the age of 20.
I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the contemporary trauma focused intellectuals other than Alice Miller. In particular, I was wondering if you had any opinions on Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor mate?
Also, what are your thoughts on EMDR therapy as it relates to healing from acute traumatic experiences.
Thank you again for all you do!
Hello Daniel, have you ever heard of an Psychologist named Anna Marr? She opposes the conventional psychiatric system and is passionate about it, i think she’s brilliant!
Here is a link to her website:
https://restoringhopeprisonministry.wordpress.com/about-restoring-hope-prison-ministry/
Best regards
Marquis
Hi Marquis,
I never heard of her before but I followed the link you provided and I really respect what she writes!! I agree!! The only part that is not for me is the God and religious stuff, but I find the rest of it right on. Thank you for sharing this, Daniel
Hi Daniel, I really resonate with your videos, I think they are among the very best regarding mental health. You’re on a par with Gabor Mathe in that respect. I clicked on the link provided here, and think there is a lot that I agree with. Clicking a bit further I get worried though. Homosexuality is seen as a similar affliction as pedophilia, having its roots in unconsciously flawed coping strategies. I am not a homosexual myself, but I think this approach can do a lot of harm. I really feel that homosexuality is probably something people are born with. It occurs in many social species, so it definitely plays an important role, I feel. I am befriended with two gay couples, men, who are about 80 years old now, and have both been living together for about 60 years. They both have very stable and loving relationships. I think this is very positive. Some people might feel offended and start feeling bad about themselves for something that, really, isn’t a problem at all, but just a way humankind expresses itself. I just wanted to share my feelings about this with you Daniel, and hope you will keep on sharing valuable you with us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Daniel. Greetings, Wim Timmerman, Holland.
Hi Wim,
Greetings! Thank you for your words. I think it’s terrible and incorrect if anyone equates homosexuality with pedophilia. I didn’t notice it in the link. When people do that it’s very troubling, and I really thank you for pointing this out!
Wishing you only the best,
Daniel
@dmackler58
I can’t find my comments that i posted, have you deleted them?
Yes, I deleted them. I cannot accept comments on this website that label homosexuality as being inherently pathological. Daniel
PS. I wanted to add a little more. It was also that I found your reply to someone else’s comment rude snd belittling. I do sometimes delete comments on this website when people are rude or belittling, regardless of whether or not I agree with their point of view.
@dmackler58
Wildtruht.net, huh? More like: My hypocritical
perception of the thruth.net.
And no, i haven’t label anything, i just pointed out the reality.
Look, i’m not sure what she meant with the religious topic, maybe she wants to welcome people who were rejected from Therapist, because of their religious belief(especially Christianity).
Daniel,
At 25 years old, I’m realizing that the western lifestyle really is crummy in many ways (which I realize is in contradiction to a post I made a while ago lauding what a good country America is).
It’s frustrating because I was born in Nepal but my parents immigrated to the US when I was 3, and later Canada.. I’ve lost so much of my Nepalese identity. I’m jealous of newer immigrants who aren’t as “whitewashed” as I am. I’m jealous of their uniqueness.
I know I’m supposed to be grateful for being in a western country.. People would call me all sorts of nasty things, like an ungrateful little whatever.. because so many refugees flee their countries to move here, etc etc.. But I really do think western countries are like a devil’s deal. Maybe when new immigrants move here, they’re in a honeymoon phase, allured by all the riches and comforts.. but maybe some day, they will begin to feel this sense of being crushed and overwhelmed that I’ve been feeling. I really am overwhelmed. Porn, drugs.. I feel like ADHD is inevitable living in the west. Truth be told, I don’t want to be like all those American kids I grew up around in school.. I’d rather get to be myself in my own country. But that’s not what happened.
And I think living in the west can make you lose your empathy. For example, you might lose your compassion for someone who is injured, because we’re expected to just keep working and not complain about injuries. It’s dehumanizing and really sad. I hate the rat race so much.
Whenever I bring up these points to my parents, they say “well other Nepalese families came here too.” I don’t care what poor decisions other families made, I want my cultural identity back. And my parents can’t understand that for the life of them. If it were up to me, I’d still be living in our village, growing my own vegetables.
Older people from western countries often move to countries like Nepal to escape the rat race, to live a simpler life closer to nature. It’s frustrating how older people would judge me for being addicted to technology, yada yada.. But it wasn’t my choice, it wasn’t my decision.
In lieu of all this, I totally understand why you travel to wonderful, interesting places like Africa, and I absolutely understand why you do it in an unorthodox way (hanging out with locals, staying with them) – as opposed to just staying at a hotel in Africa and drinking Starbucks. I really do admire this. You probably get excellent sleep while you’re travelling, breathing in fresh air and enjoying nature. We went back to visit our village in Nepal once.. the air there is really something else, the sound of the pigeons fluttering in the morning.
If I ever make those videos I said I wanted to make, I’ll be sure to talk about this.
Thanks for sharing this, Parik. Wishing you the best! I have a feeling others will be able to relate to this too.
Delano
Thank you.. Honestly I wish I could delete what I wrote, because it’s so tricky.. there’s a lot of cool people in the US and Canada who are so much more funny and real and alive and passionate than my parents, who have treated me with a lot more respect than my own parents and other people from my culture.. I find some things about western culture absolutely amazing. So I DO have a lot to be grateful for. But it’s tricky because there’s also so much meanness and nastiness in the west too – a lot of the meanness comes from authority figures like teachers, as you’ve talked about. So I don’t think the problem is “American kids” as I said earlier, it’s often the adults.
I think I’m turning into my dad – he always had a sour attitude towards the US despite living there. I always thought the sports culture of the US was absolutely amazing, and my dad hated that stuff. And there are many toxic elements of my own culture/parents which have hurt me and destroyed my self esteem.. I am certainly not blind to the toxicity of my culture (many people talk about the toxicity of Asian/south Asian cultures and they’re absolutely right). Like I said, it’s a tricky one and I do wish I could delete what I wrote earlier, because I do have a lot to be grateful for living here. But oh well, no point in hiding my thoughts I suppose. Whether or not what I wrote earlier was toxic, let it be out in the open haha.
“Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues”
And precisely what I think is missing in our world. I have to check myself sometimes.
Agreed—truth is usually bitter, at least for the ego. However, to avoid truth is to avoid oneself. Yikes , that is not how I want to live my life:in ignorance of my own true self.
I find humor is the best thing for that. Learning to laugh at oneself – wish I had the type of friends who could help with that.
Well, you’ll find meanness and toxicity anywhere. It’s not limited to certain cultures.
Hope the best for you.
Absolutely true. I’ve seen it in all cultures. I guess I forget that sometimes.
*and in myself. I couldn’t see it before, but I definitely see the meanness and nastiness in my own self. There have been several good people I’ve hurt.
I’m heard by the voice of a poet.
Hi Daniel,
i’m currently reading your book “Breaking from your Parents” and i just finished the chapter about friendships where i;d love to hear your advice:
almost a year ago i stumbled upon an old acquaintance at a social event and by just speaking my mind about childhood trauma, it clicked with her so strongly that we became very close friends till this day. there’s a great deal of honesty, respect, support and intimacy of the character for a true ally which i’m really glad to have. yet, while there are parts i’m healthier at and others that she is, i find myself emotionally developing neediness and internally repeating childhood dynamics and neglected feelings. for example neediness for a hug or feeling strong rejection after a cancelled hangout from life circumstance. i’m fully aware that things are off and come from my current processing and healing of wounds, but still this is frustrating. For example a “rejection” recently threw me back to the trauma of my mother’s silent treatment which was cruel and cold blooded. it’s not the first time and we have talked about these occurrences with great honesty and respect which helps me and gives healthy feedback, but on the other hand this is a really weird for me. it feels almost like an unhealthy romance in the making and i’m not attracted to her. also, to some extent this helps me to be more aware and find out of old emotional trauma wounds but i can’t shake the feeling that something in the dynamic is off on my part. That is, i want to feel wanted and respected but i don’t want to be needy and recreate my repressed emotions.
do you have any advice other than continuing my healing journey and communicating as clear as possible my struggles?
Thanks and with deep appreciation,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Warm greetings. And thanks for sharing. I’m actually off traveling rather intensely in a remote part of the world right now and I’m not quite in the headspace of giving advice… But maybe others are? But I’m really wishing you the best, and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I’d read your message! Daniel
Daniel, your work has been indispensable in my journey to save my life.
Thank you so much,
Dan
Thank you Dan!
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I am happy to make your acquaintance.
As someone who has always had the inclination to lead a rather unconventional lifestyle, being something of an outsider has caused me a great deal of trouble with the mental health system. I too have done my fair share of hitchhiking and spontaneous adventuring. Unfortunately, some adventurers are not as well-received as others. This lifestyle choice, as well as other rejections towards standard models living, has been deemed as ‘symptomatic of psychosis’. So my experience with the mental health system has been very difficult, to say the least.
I have had the misfortune of being involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital 22 (yes, 22) times in my 28 years of life. For the past 2 decades, it has been a living hell of forced drugging, beatings, mutilation, humiliation, incrimination, abuse, exploitation, manipulation, torture, mockery, isolation, civil rights violations, soul death, mind death, resistance, handcuffing, ‘guardianship’ battles, self-mutilation, drug overdoses, kidnapping, and perhaps, even worst of all, the mundane drudgery of enduring ‘group time’. So, coupled with the conditioning of therapists that is usually tailored to suit their maladaptivity-perpetuating business models, I have thus been molded into further incompetence.
While I don’t claim to be the victim of these circumstances, I still am much like an ex-con who has trouble adapting and assimilating to the newfound external world after a lengthy prison sentence. And frankly, this situation has become utterly laughable. I have been called every name in the book: ADD, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression, Bipolar, HPPD, Asperger’s, Personality Disorder, Schizoaffective, and for the grand finale, I have been slurred with what is commonly referred to these days as Schizophrenia. So I have begun to to take none of this seriously, which is not necessarily to my own detriment.
So now that I’ve established a brief outline of the deep shit I find myself in, I would like to ask you a few questions. How do I survive? How do I resist incurring any more permanent brain damage than I already have? How do I avoid further entrapment in psychiatric torture rings? And more importantly, how do I escape from my individual family unit which has been the sole contributing factor to prolongment of this mess? See, I have a ‘family’ of psychopaths that all gang up on me in a strive to scapegoat and triangulate me into further diagnosis and hospitalization. I have a very, very, very fucked up ‘family’. Unfortunately, at this time, I still rely upon them for my survival needs. Part of the reason why this is the case is because:
1. I have no social skills or life skills which makes it difficult to function in society.
2. I have been imprisoned to the point of incompetence.
3. I have a great deal of trouble assimilating into a standard employment setting because I cannot stand even the thought of having the soul beaten out of me at a 9-5 job.
4. Whoring oneself to a disability label can only take you so far if your aim is to not live in the ghetto.
5. I have no formal college education which limits my employment opportunities and this is in the pure awareness that college can lead me into a much darker place intellectually and medically than I find myself in currently.
6. The mistakes I have made have impaired my reputation and my abilities to gain and maintain independent housing, employment, and education.
I suppose I very well could get a job as a waiter, somebody in the IT field, or even as a plumber. I can try doing any of that, make the sacrifice of my creative spirit, risk failure, and gain maybe even a sliver of fulfillment in the preservation of my independence. That part of me seems to be warring with the vagabond in me that still wants to live on the edge. But sadly that life won’t work ever again for me.
Maybe pretending to see a psychiatrist and pretending to take medication for the time being is the most suitable option while I live with these people. I don’t know. I’m about as honest as a 5 year old on truth serum in front of someone with a physical deformity. So lying might be a difficult undertaking.
So with all of this being said, please give me any advice you may have on how to end this waking nightmare. I could really benefit from some motivation, input, and Chicago-based resources from someone with an intelligent mind. Your YouTube channel has been one of the only forces of reason I have been able to find when considering these matters. So I want to thank you from the core of my heart for all you have done. You really keep me going.
With honor and respect,
Anonymous
Hi! Oh— I’m not sure what advice to give, to be honest. I wish I had some good advice. It sounds just rotten! But I have seen people in situations like yours where things improve dramatically. Right now I am on the road and I have almost no Internet. My head is totally elsewhere, so I’m not sure quite what to say. But I just wanted to reply and say I am thinking of you and I am wishing you great strength. Daniel
Hello Peter,
Having had some common experiences with you, my break came with discovering spirituality and knowing unequivocally who I truly am. In that moment all my problems took a subordinate position even if they didn’t disappear, and I have been on a healing journey ever since. I quit the 9 to 5, leaving a lod of money on the table, and in any case had burned all bridges behind me anyways. Through the addictions, losing money, etc, that realization held me up through everything and I continue to work on myself. Thats the thing – healing from this is a daily task, almost the only task, and it can pay the bills itself. Somehow my bills get paid.
You come to learn that there’s really nothing wrong with being alone (This point is how I found Daniel’s channel and everything he said resonated on such a deep level) and that you really cant die from these problems unless you allow yourself to, and you also see that death is nothing but your own energy anyway, nothing wrong with dying, sexuality, being ‘bad’, even being crazy – all of these things are allowed to be. You learn how to accept- allow – things to be as they are and in so doing give yourself tremendous power to heal, i.e. *adopt a new state of being* the words in asterisks are what healing is about, its what some religions call ‘repentance’. Essentially, healing requires opening your mind really wide because the reason why life seems painful is because of massively nonsense beliefs we ‘ve accepted about among others good and bad, morality, how much money you should have, when, and progress you should make, who you should worship and even who you are etc. To really heal you cant subscribe to anything without question and have to let go of a lot. Life becomes about your inner world more than any job you can take – it becomes about what feels good, because thats what leads you to where you are or should be going. At some point, you stop caring what will happen because its all good here and it feels stable.
Some of the teachings that have majorly helped me were Advaita Vedanta and teachers like Bentinho Massaro, Abraham Hicks. Bentinho’s Trinfinity Academy (free) especially cuts to the chase and if you are looking for something, you will not be able to put it down, though the material made me really uncomfortable because of my limiting beliefs. But if you don’t find colid answers there, I don’t know where else you can find them.
When you do get to healing work itself, reading wasnt enough for me, and I almost gave up and lost in addictions (several!) unti I discovered a silly-looking method called EFT Tapping. Whats special about it is that our programming and social conditioning that makes us repeat self defeating patterns isnt in the mind but stored in our energy field, and EFT and other variants such as Matrix Reimprinting reach in there and neutralize ego-defenses to your True Being (but the right perspective is needed to bridge this process, hence the need for the proper spiritual mindset) There are hundreds of people like you and me on the journey who continue to write sequences that take you through a healing process and I have tapped to so many of them the last 1 year, and I am a remarkably different human being from the one who started.
What I’m saying is that this is an inner game. The outside circumstances only reflect that. I leave that here and if you’re prepared to hear it, you will, but if not it will sail right past you, and you will do nothing. And that’s perfectly okay, but always remember the option always exists. That was my experience anyways.
Love
Tony
Daniel, I’ve really wanted to upload my own videos where I bounce off your videos and share my own stories and experiences – to tell you HOW MUCH I RELATE to all your stories and experiences.. Hating the fakeness of university; having parents who were too cowardly to defend me from bullies, etc. You’ve asked for an ally, and I’ve wanted to be that ally through making my own videos for you to watch and listen to.
But I’m at such a horrible, awful place in my life right now. Before I had found your channel, I had tried to break from my parents in an extremely reckless and dangerous way (living in shelters). And on top of that, psychiatrists gave me meds which have screwed up my brain even more. I’m worried I might even have neurological damage from some of my coping mechanisms (self harm). I would love to make my own videos, to be that ally that you’re looking for. But I’m dealing with the most excruciatingly awful period in my life, due to the absolutely foolhardy and reckless way I tried to go about living on my own.
Wishing you the best, Pat — great strength. Life can be so difficult, but really can improve. Daniel
I can totally understand why I made the decision to move out. It’s similar to the reason you love travelling and hitchhiking. I was so tired of being addicted to the internet at my parents’ place, playing computer games all day.. They never taught me any cool, practical skills like building a house. I wanted to experience the world, I wanted to do all the things my parents never taught me.. To experience nature.. There was so much more to life than just sitting in front of the computer all day playing games. I didn’t want to go down the path of so many young people and be addicted to screens my whole life (like my dad).
I should mention I’ve been back living with my parents for the past couple years.. Sadly, when I was out living alone, my dreams did not come to fruition. I never learned to build a house, because I was so stuck in my comfort zone that I grew up with. I didn’t find anyone to mentor me like I wish I had, to teach me those skills. What happened was, I carried all my traumas and weaknesses with me and it held me back a lot.
I honestly don’t know if things will ever change. 🙁
I just called the cops on my child abusing dad and my siblings warned him and he destroyed all his ‘collections’, im watching ur stuff and everything u say is true, thank u, i feel crazy being alone, honestly my whole life i felt crazy acting out wo knowing why and feeling horrible not knowing why, telling the truth i feel the best of my life like slime is wiped off, even tho externally i have no one, i never had those traitors stuck in stockholm
Hope it all goes okay!
Is treating PTSD without medication possible? I don’t wanna take any meds. But what if a PTSD is severe?
For sure, Hopie, it is possible. I’ve seen it many times. It can be a difficult and painful journey, mostly is from what I’ve seen, but medications are definitely not necessary, and sometimes the medications make the situation worse. I’ve done a lot of healing from painful trauma without medications, and I know people with much worse trauma do it also.
Wishing you the best on your healing path.
Daniel
Hello Daniel OR anyone else,
do you know any therapist online who opposes psychiatry and also on using psychiatric drugs and who is honest, Caring, loving and supportive?
Because I would like to talk to him/her to discuss some of my things through his/her Email. So is she or he has there own website, it will be a lot helpful too.
Hi Anyo — I’m a little out of the loop with referrals these days, but I think the website madinamerica.com has a list of therapists who might fit the bill…
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel.
I just found your Youtube channel and I’ve found many of your videos to be helpful in my personal healing journey. I strongly suspect myself of being somewhere on the scale of traumatized, as you discuss in your “Everyone is Traumatized” video, and I am in the process of getting in touch with my inner self more. I am at a point where I feel like I’m misunderstood by all of the people around me, even professionals like therapists and psychiatrists who try to help me, and I’m looking forward to embracing my own agency in my healing process. As much as I think your videos have helped me and the people around you, I worry about your views towards medication and how they might be taken by people who are struggling. Admittedly, I am very young (just out of college) and I am NOT an expert in medicine or psychology aside from a few classes. However, I know many people in my personal life who have taken in the view that medications such as SSRIs are poisonous and damaging — people that are in dark points of their life, who lack the resources they need to better themselves in any other way.
To my understanding, the way that SSRIs SHOULD be used (although they very frequently are not) is that they should be taken to help get unhelpful or overwhelming feelings under control while the person goes through a guided healing process. For lots of people, SSRIs become a crutch to numb their emotions and disconnect with themselves, ultimately hindering that process. I think this is reflected in the fact that many people find that these medications help for the first many months of taking them, but they end up just as depressed as they were when they started after about a year of consistent use. I think this is terrible and is a major oversight in the way that psychiatry and therapy is practiced, when so many people are hurting due to trauma and not “brain imbalances.” However, many of the people in my life have taken in well-meaning messages that these medications are harmful and end up avoiding entirely what could be a helpful or necessary step in their healing journey.
My ex-boyfriend when we were both around 16 was a deeply depressed person, and had major issues with abandonment and isolation in his childhood that he was completely stunted by. He had dropped out of high school, wouldn’t brush his teeth or shower, and would stay up all night and sleep until the evening. He internalized the view that psychiatric medication was just a way to numb and underlying problem, but instead turned to hallucinogens like LSD to attempt to confront his feelings. Obviously, taking medication or not is an incredibly personal choice, and it wasn’t my place to force him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with. But, I can’t help but feel that if he had considered how the medication is supposed to be taken — as a temporary tool to help improve symptoms that are preventing healing, supplemented by rigorous mental work — he wouldn’t have felt the need to turn towards other substances. I am also a person who goes on and off SSRIs, and I think they’ve put a bandaid on a bigger issue that I still haven’t resolved. I am going through a deeply difficult time lately and do not have many support structures in place, and my feelings completely overwhelm me, and I sometimes injure myself as a way of processing them. I have started back on my medication temporarily, just because I believe that if I didn’t have something physically in place to help quell my emotions in the short-term I would physically be in danger, and I wouldn’t be able to start my path forward by how blinded I was by my overwhelming feelings.
So I agree with a lot about what you say about medication, but I also worry about how that rhetoric might harm people who don’t have many support structures in place. I hope this message doesn’t come off as overly critical, and I really do appreciate what you’re doing online and in the world. You probably have gotten other comments like this and have considered them, but I just worry about these things a little.
All the best,
Kate
Hi Kate,
Well, I certainly know some people who feel the medications helped them. I also know people who have killed themselves on psychiatric medications — even short-term doses. Also, I know a lot of people who start psychiatric drugs with the intention of being on them short and have a terribly difficult time gettin off them… And then there are also the side effects… Taking meds or not is definitely a personal choice. However, I think often people have a lot of healing resources within themselves that they don’t realize — and that I encourage — an inner exploration. Often things that people can do themselves (call is self-therapy or whatever) can help people deal with these feelings in a much healthier way than by taking any sort of drugs — and also do more than just deal with these feelings, but actually process them… A painful journey, yes, but one I have found to be worth it.
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hello Daniel!!!
Do You have any opinion on the subject of health anxiety (hypochondria)? What causes and what’s the cure for this specific mental condition?
Best Whishes,
J.M.
Hi JM,
I’ll have to think on it! It may be different things with different people… Maybe I’ll even make a video on it.
Sending you greetings-
Daniel
Hello Mr. Daniel Mackler, i would like to know your opinion on misandry and how common and unotice it is and how damaging it is for society.
Hi,
I know the question was for Daniel, but I know he has one video that briefly touches on the topic of misandry.
I think it’s the one titled “Society gives mothers a free pass to talk sexually about their sons.” (https://youtu.be/C8PQNEEPaLA)
He mentions how women get away with this because usually they’re the victims of being sexualized and men are often the perpetrators, therefore society gives women a free pass to do this to women (which IMO is not okay.)
I know this is not directly covering the topic of misandry, but I think that’s the closest video he has on the topic. I would be interested to hear Daniel’s thoughts on the topic as well.
Hi Marquis,
Yes, I think people in the world can redirect a lot of their rage and sadness and hurt and feelings of betrayal at their traumatizers from childhood onto one gender or another, and in so doing become quite prejudicial and sweeping in their attitudes. I think it’s fairly common.
Daniel
I totally agree with you on that Daniel, but that doesn’t explain why misandry goes unnoticed by the vast majority of society, while misogyny is very well known.
Incels are a living proof of modern misandry. Have you ever read about their philosophies? They have their ways of explaining this stuff.
How are Incels proof of modern misandry?Incels are a Product of the misandry in todays soceity.
That is what i meant by modern
In regards to “true joy versus fake joy”, I very much share your love for nature, which is by far the best example of feeling true joy. You’re right, being out there feels like connecting to your spirit – you feel as pure as the flowers, and as free as the cool river air. It feels like you don’t need anything else in this world – everything humans have built only detracts from this incredible majesty and purity. And the amazing thing is, nature costs absolutely nothing – you get to soak in this symphony for absolutely free. It’s truly an amazing, colorful gift, and it’s right under our noses.
Everytime I go out there, I’m awed at what I’ve been missing out on – I begin wondering why people don’t make more of an effort to tap into their spirit. And then I walk back home, where I have a TV and a microwave and other modern things, and I forget how magical I felt just an hour earlier. It’s amusing how drastically and quickly the magic fades, between the park and my apartment.
I can totally understand why you, Daniel, make such an effort to answer the question of why people are so disconnected from their spirit. That is to say, I can understand how nature inspired this pursuit you’ve embarked on. Like me, you want to live in a world where you can feel that incredible all the time, everywhere. In fact, I decided to write this because I’m missing that feeling right now as I sit in my apartment typing this.
(And modernity is not solely to blame. You see people doing all sorts of abusive, nasty things in the world and you wonder why the world has to be that way.)
Hi Daniel,
I recently came across one of your videos from some time ago, where you commented that animal activists are often wounded, traumatized people who are acting from a place of trauma. I found the topic to be incredibly interesting and I wanted to reach out to you to learn more about your views on this subject.
From my observations, I’ve noticed that many activists (not just animal activists) are angry people at their core and I am particularly interested in understanding how childhood trauma plays a role in becoming an activist. I used to be an animal activist myself, but since being on my healing journey, I’ve felt less compelled to go out and protest. I would like to know more about the link between childhood trauma and activism.
I would be extremely grateful if you could spare some time to share your thoughts on this subject with me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely
LT
Hi LT,
Yes, I’ve seen this to be true with a lot of activists — not all, though. It’s a displacement of otherwise healthy anger at one’s traumatizers from long ago, externalized onto a cause. And people also can project their feelings toward the victim they once were onto the victims in the cause in which they are active, and in so doing unconsciously seek justice for themselves by proxy. I wrote about this more, I believe, in my book Toward Truth…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
i’ve recently been thinking about the concept of growing pains. it is commonly said that children have pains because their bodies are growing, sometimes relatively fast. personally i remember how my legs hurt a lot at certain nights when i was about 10. But now that i’ve started to study my past (and grieve it)m i wonder how much of that pain is from my body’s growth and how much of it comes just from the shitty and emotionally abusive environment of my parents. Since this comes to the physical body, i will note that i’m not an expert or a doctor. Though, at least from my own experience the body and the emotional core are highly intertwined.
ideally, healthy growth i imagine as a wonderful thing and not a painful one. it’s as if the physical growth happens no matter what and the pain is from the emotional lack of growth from all the trauma around. like pushing through a barrier by force instead of just removing or opening it beforehand (or not even placing one).
What do you think?
Sincerely,
Roman
Makes sense
Roman, Dr John Sarno wrote physical pain (including growing pains) as subconcious emotional suffering. Highly recommend his work. And Steve Ozanich continues his work writing about this. All the best
Wow, Daniel! What a breath of fresh air you are! I am late to the game, as I just discovered your materials, but so grateful I did. It sure gives me hope that other real people with common sense not only exist, but they speak up and the information circulates. There is hope!! I finally want to make a leap into the counseling/therapy profession in the US, after many years of looking in from outside, but I am terrified of coming up against the system. Thank you for all the honest insights, together with like minded individuals I believe a significant change is possible.
Wishing you the best, Irina!
Daniel
I concur—-Daniel is precious, and you sound pretty precious yourself!
-Chris B.
Hi Daniel
Firstly I just want to appreciate your honesty that not many people possess, I am also honest about the way I am feeling a lot of the time and I find not many people appreciate it especially the psychologist I was seeing, she told me I have a social communication disorder then told me that she can no longer see me due to her being unwell, however she told me she was unwell a month ago and didn’t give me any notice whatsoever as to her dropping me so I feel like she dropped me because she didn’t like me I was given no explanation as to why I have this disorder and we didn’t even have another appointment to explain things over. Nonetheless I feel dismissed everytime I have been to therapists because they have not listened to me and what I have been through instead they all think I have a low iq of 69, this makes me feel powerless and hopeless like I can’t do anything to help myself. I just want someone to actually listen to me for once, my problems started when I my mum got sick from cancer when I was 9 and passed away two years later ever since that my dad has just been trying get into new relationships, he ended up physically assaulting one women for years and I saw this happen until he went to jail when I was 15 and I had to move to move in with my grandparents. I was bullied a lot at my new school by the teachers and students because i was labelled as being dumb, once my dad got out of jail I moved in back with him but couldn’t stay because he manipulated me into giving all my inheritance to him and he spent it on drugs, whole I was running out of money and I didn’t know how to help myself, I eventually moved back into my grandparents but I was kicked out last year due to not being able to hold a job while studying, I got too stressed and went to the gp almost everyday and they couldn’t help me. Now I am back at my dad’s but he is planning to kick me out in two months and I don’t know what to do, I want help but I feel like no one can help me. All I really I want is someone to listen to me and care about me, I actually feel stuipd because that’s all I am told by everyone around me I feel like I don’t even know who I am. Sorry for the long rant, I appreciate whoever reads my comment
I’m really wishing you the best, Hayley!
Daniel
Dear Hayley, thanks for sharing your story. It is heartbreaking and I am very sorry.
And I also feel sorry that you were not taken care of by this therapist. I don’t think that you have been properly diagnosed here, I not even have heard that such a psychiatric concept exists.
I think it’s great that you reach out to find help or rather to find out how to help yourself. I think you are asking the right question here. Because it’s true. With such an amount of violence, grief and loss that you describe you have experienced you have to learn to help yourself because others cannot do it for you.
The good thing is that there are many, many people that have walked that path and have found relief.
I’ll give you a couple of resources that I all know are safe and beneficial from my experience and that might be of help for you:
1. A book by Jack Kornfield “The Wise Heart. A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology” – It’s a very well written introduction to the Buddhist teachings by a meditation teacher and psychologist. I recommend it to you because he found himself in the same situation as you in his early twenties. He grew up with a father that abused his mother physically and found himself confused and in a lot of pain as a young man.
One of the most important messages that I got out of this book when I was also in a similarly difficult situation in my twenties was that at my core there was nothing wrong with me (I was sent to therapy when I was ten and it made me believe that I was wrong and broken at my core) – but quite the opposite, at my core I was just as every human being beautiful and resourceful and that I had everything to find my way through even overwhemlmingly diffcult things.
2. Once a month there is an online group organized by New York’s Eastside Institute. They do Social Therapy, an approach to psychotherapy and social activism that puts connection and mutual group support in a warm and compassionate atmosphere at its center. The monthly online group meeting is called Creating Our Mental Health and you can there connect with others who are struggling or have been through crises and difficulties and you will be very welcome to share about yourself and what you are going through with the group and the facilitators/therapists. I think that they also offer indiviudal online support if you should need it.
3. Also a wonderful opportunity to learn in a group setting about how you can learn to support yourself with your challenges is the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) Seminar I. run online by the Copeland Center. You can also find out about if a group that you could meet in person in your region exists. You can apply for a scolarship in case you cannot afford participation.
4. Last but not least: Try yoga that helps you to learn to support your body and mind reducing stress levels and bring them back to a good place. Try to do it once or twice a week for 20-40 minutes on Youtube during a couple of weeks (Kassandra is great for beginners) and I bet that you will find it extremely beneficial as a support in your struggles in no time and you will naturally want to do more. – Science has the evidence that for people who have experienced overwhelming amounts of grief, stress and loss as we have Yoga is the best starting point.
The famous book The Body Keeps the Scar by one of the leading psychiatrists and reasearchers into childhood adverse experience Bessel van der Kolk has a very funny message that is not very flattering to psychiatry and psychotherapy. It states that despite 40 years of research common psychotherapeutic interventions still have to prove its efficacy and in general doesn’t help people. But that there is one group that does exceedingly well. It is those who decide to take their life and healing journey into their own hands and do something with yoga.
I wish you many blessings on your path!
Thankyou so much for you kind message. I will try some of the things you suggested. Apparently social communication disorder is a actual diagnosis but it’s similar to what they thought I had before, which was autism, but I have always thought in my heart that it was wrong. I don’t like labels. My youth worker also ditched me yesterday so that was good of her, she said I was too much to handle and she couldn’t help me anymore and suggested I go to another therapist but I am scared of going back since I feel like they never listen to me and judge me. So now I pretty much have no one to talk to, I have no friends, can’t hold a job, going to be kicked out of the house in 2 months so it’s just too much for me at the moment it’s hard to have a clear mind. Now I am almost 23 and feel very far behind in life, I feel I need to fix this soon otherwise it will be too late.
Salutations!
My name is Sebastian Francois. I am studying Social Work (BSW). After reading some comments, I learned that you obtained your MSW from NYU. Hopefully, you understand what I am trying to convey to you. What was once an affinity and passion soon become something I despise. Each day in Social Work school becomes unbearable as I dislike Social Work—especially the kind of practice I’m currently using in my field placement.
Interestingly, I stumbled upon your video “Why I Quit Being a Therapist.” Your video resonated with me greatly because I’m in the final year of undergraduate studies where I have field placement. In my field placement, I work as an intern practitioner giving young children social-emotional support. It is emotionally taxing. I’m 21 years old and I’m lost in my life.
Any advice? Thank you very much!
Sincerely,
Sebastian Francois
Hi Sebastian,
Well, I guess for me the key was finding a place where I felt I fit in and where I didn’t hate the field — and then developing myself and my skills there… And then as quickly as possible heading into private practice — more privacy, less of the horrible system….. Wishing you the best! Daniel
Thank you very much for your advice! How do you find a place where you feel you fit in?
A lot of hard work and searching…
Hello David. It’s been a few years for me and im still liking your content and return to your old videos as it is still hard to find people like you on the subject of family dysfunction. I am almost ready to let this topic go at this point in my journey but there is this lingering resentment/anger I feel when I hear therapists talk about how because parents didn’t know what they didn’t know and everything can be traced back to it being capitalisms fault, that at the end of the day a child chooses to be angry with the parent because they have to be mad at someone.. I understand this thought process as being helpful for the parents to relieve their guilt and heal, but I have heard it being explained with such a dismissive attitude from mainly older generations that it seems like many say it to avoid taking responsibility or allow themselves to be held accountable. I’ve heard many older therapists say this in context to their relationships with their own children who have chosen no contact with them. Anyways, do you have any tips as to how I can move past this roadblock?
Hi Rebecca
Thank you for sharing what goes on for you about certain perspectives of psychotherapists. In the end you say that you experience this situation as a roadblock.
I won’t directly going into giving you advice. I rather have questions.
Why do you see that these opinions of psychotherapists are blocking your road? The image that comes to my mind is that you are on your path and then see some fire in the forest and you leave your path to go and see what’s going on. And there you meet this bunch of psychotherapists sitting around a bonfire, drinking too much and sharing their theretical perspectives on life inspired by bourgeois thinking of the 19th century (Freud, Marx) and that involves claims that people like you are on the wrong path. And now you sit down with them and begin to discuss with them with a certain motivation, and true, you are not anymore on your path.
When this happens often to you, it is worthwhile to have a closer look at this to find out what it is that keeps you emotionally stuck in inner discussions with these guys.
What is it that you hope to achieve here? And is it a realistic hope that you can achieve this?
My experience is that on my path there are a lot of challenges around cutting through the illusion that white older men (and their wives) have somehow all figured it out. I think here the fallacy is that not only we but also them themselves are prone to think that because they possess the most political power and privileged access to resources worldwide that they also have the best insights into life’s important questions. But it is not true.
It is not that they don’t have skills or knowledge but despite certain liberatory rhetorics that come with it I think that their direction is not one of freedom, justice, and love, but quite the opposite. They are simply a part of the ruling classes and the most important thing that these people have to do is to secure their positions and privileges. And on the left it is done through pseudo-liberatory theories and practices like Neo-Marxism and Psychotherapy. And this is what’s being discussed at this bonfire.
Rebecca, as far as I can see, with all the drinking and stuckness that is going on at that bonfire they are people who are not even able to take good care of themselves. There is nothing that you can learn from them.
What is it that you aspire to?
If you want to find true love and understanding I think you should definitely look out for wisdom and liberatory practices elsewhere and go and look for yourself what that could be for you.
Hi Daniel
I want to thank you a lot for sharing your insights around violence against children in families and how to get out of this hell and reclaim one’s life.
I bumped into your videos exactly at the time where I was preparing to not see my mother anymore because life with her had brought me to a burn-out in my thirties. I then immediately ordered your book Breaking Away from Your Parents.
I am writing to let you know that it has served me greatly over the last five years. I see that the process has come to a point where I am able to not allow anyone in my family anymore to drag me back into our old ways of relating.
The stories that you tell of yourself and other people were so helpful because I didn’t feel alone with my struggles and challenges. The insights you share on a more abstract psychological level about for example the guilt trips that are triggered inside spontaneously towards your parent when you begin to put your own healty needs and interests first were also incredibly helpful. In the beginnning I remember this kind of inner experience was very strong and painful. But then after one day the latest I could see through and connect my experience to what you had described in your videos and book.
I could give you many more examples of how helpful your work was for me.
What I was maybe the least prepared was the grief about breaking away. I found it extremely painful to lose these family connections. I already lost my father when I was a child and nobody acknowleged it or helped me understand my pain and I not only stopped seeing my mother but I also ended the relationships with my siblings and greater family afterwards because I found out that this was necessary too. Even though I knew exactly why I was ending these relationsships and that it was the only way to get my life and spirits back I sometimes found myself in the deepest pain of losing them as real people. Also breaking through the illusionary hopes of being loved and wanted someday by my family members that had kept me going within the familiy for a long time was painful.
I am very proud now that I made it to the other side. I feel like I have liberated myself from a millstone that was tied to my back since I was a little child of abusive parents figuratively and when I was suffering from episodic depression for almost twenty years before the break with my family I see my mental health now slowly and happily restored.
Sometimes I tell people about it all because they want to know why I am able to take such good care of myself and where they can learn some of it themselves. I then mention that beside other things like yoga, meditation and self-help group formats it was an ex-therapist with a channel on Youtube that was the greatest personal support from outside that I received.
Thank you!
Thank you Leah! I really appreciate hearing this.
Daniel
Yeah, detaching from all the things with which one is familiar and even comfortable, even if unhealthy or worse, is serious business.
-Chris B.
Hey Daniel, I’m the commenter whom initially brought up selective mutism and I just watched your video on it. I just wanted to express gratitude for your voiced thoughts on the subject – your observations on people sensing you can be trusted when you honour their silence is SPOT ON in my experience as to this day I remember the rare adults who were accepting of my silence because they left a good lasting impression on me. I sent the video to my older sister with whom I was unfortunately selectively mute with when I was younger (she never hurt me – likely a trauma projection) so she can perhaps understand herself better why our relationship was so strange in childhood even though she’s practically the only person in my family I trust! (And again, her respecting my silence when I had it is a reason why I love her and speak to her when I’m estranged from most of my family – very rare to have that respected)
I’m rambling, but honestly I really enjoyed the food for thought and I really appreciate some extra input regarding such a strange disorder and wanted you to know you’re spot on in your own experiences and observations of other selectively mute people. So many thanks and thanks for honouring the boundaries of us quieter folk! 🙂
Thanks Alex! Warm greetings 🙂
Daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for sharing your experiences on your YT channel. I found you during my research on why anyone would ever decide to have children in this chaotic world, which led me to your video “Why is it a bad idea to have kids?” and I have learned a lot from you since.
I believe I have parents that have the same psychological profile as yours and, thanks to you and others like you, I have understood what was done to me and I have done my best to break from them, internally and externally.
I am about to start reading “Breaking from Your Parents” (thank you for writing it and publishing it) and I have a question for you:
I’ve recently finished reading “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker and “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller. Have you read them and what are your thoughts on them?
Cheers, take care Mr. Mackler.
– Enlightened Witness
Hello!
I haven’t read the Pete Walker book, but I’ve read all of Alice Miller’s work, and interviewed her son on my Youtube channel. I think she was brilliant and on-point in so many ways, but also very screwed up…
Here’s a webpage I have on her, linking to things I’ve written: https://wildtruth.net/on-alice-miller/
And here is a link to a playlist of my Youtube videos on her, including my interview with her son: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjA-1rT8xCYrjjI_y5aJrfw
Warm greetings—
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I have read the same book and I really liked it. In particular, it was probably the first place I encountered the concept of ’emotional flashback’. I have found it rather useful for putting my present-day relational difficulties, weird feelings and general suffering in their proper context as remnants of the crappy experiences of my childhood, not as responses to my actual reality. The book also helped me by showing that my screw-up-edness is a normal result of the conditions I was raised in, and not something ‘fundamentally’ wrong and evil about me, and that healing is possible.
I am now reading another one of his books, “The Tao of Fully Feeling”.
So, what I wanted to say is I would also love to hear your thoughts on this guy and his work, if you did decide to read his books!
Cheers,
Ignas
Hi Daniel,
Do you have any advice on how to keep being empathic but not too much? That is, how not to over empathies to the level that it negatively affects yourself? Personally the more i’m connected with myself and grieve my historic traumas, i feel more able to feel empathy for others and slowly also for myself. but sometimes i find it hard to “operate” in the world, especially when i hear horrible things of others’ pasts. Is it possible to be compassionate for other people and not “soak in” so much empathically?
Thanks.
Hi Roman
Since you haven’t got an answer from Daniel up to now I feel invited to say something.
I think what you experience is very common – both ways actually – either to not be moved at all by other’s stories or getting drawn into it so much that you are not really of good help to the other person.
Personally I have found the psychology of mindfulness and of compassion and self-compassion that heavily draws on Buddhist meditative insights of the workings of the mind most helpful.
Instantly there comes a resource to my mind, an online training that is offered by the Buddhist online magazine Tricyle with Sharon Salzberg to my mind that is called Real Love, a five weeks introduction to mindfulness and compassion meditation.
Sharon has tremendous knowledge here.
ok, i got part of the answer from the video “Feeling Other People’s Denied Feelings — Exploring Empathy and Projective Identification”
Hi Daniel.
I discovered you last week whilst I was looking at some of Alice’s Miller books. I’ve also discovered her recently (Gabor Mate recommended her first book, which I read and her views opened my eyes and made me realise some mistakes I have done to my own daughter). I decided to apologise to my daughter, despite the advice of everyone that slapping her was not anything major and she should learn not to swear which was what I also thought when I did it (it was for her own good…). But after reading her books (and 2 more after that), it was clear to me that I was just perpetuating the behaviour of my father (who was the good one of my parents – I had realised from a young age that my mother was very unstable and dangerous, but my dad was the good one, the one that was hitting us with control and was caring about us…). So, this had to stop and I should be the one to do it. When I said to my daughter what I have understood and that it was an abuse of my power to slap her and I shouldn’t have done it, it had such an impact on her that she started talking to me and telling me all the things she has suffered from her dad (with whom we are now divorcing) but till now she had kept it for herself, trying to protect him. It was shocking for me to see the effect of accepting the truth of being wrong had on her.
And then, I read your critique on Alice Miller and thought, hmmm… Maybe he is right. Maybe she is not so perfect as I thought. How was she with her own children? And I came across your interview of her son, that was an even deeper eye-opening experience… I have ordered his book too. I know I will not feel the same admiration towards her after reading that, but
I will always be grateful for what she has written and will recommend her books to parents/parents to be, because there is a chance that some of the harm we inflict in our children may be avoided… And if they can read her books, then I may even be braver and recommend your videos…
Hi Emmanuella. Yes, Alice Miller is brilliant and her ideas are largely excellent…but had a lot of unresolved issues…. I still recommend her books to people… Wishing you the best on your journey! Daniel
Surprising that you would recommend Miller’s books considering that she, apparently, was a major hypocrite.
Hi Christine,
I recommend her works, but with a caveat or asterisk… I put three of her books at the top of my list of recommended books: https://wildtruth.net/some-book-recommendations-psychology-and-more/
I feel her basic ideas (or most of them) are still excellent, in spite of her personal limitations and hypocrisy…
Daniel
Thank you for your response Daniel.
To have an excellent idea and not endeavor to practice it oneself indicates ego blindness. We need much less talk and way more walk.
Reminds of when I hear a certain pop star on the radio or at the grocery store and have LOVED most of his music since I was a little girl, but as it turns out and can really no long be refuted, was a blazing pedophile. Poor guy; so lost and degenerate .
Yes…I agree.
Thanks for your comment. I felt very sad when I first read Daniel’s ideas. But I’ve adjusted over time. My daughter is only 3 years old but like you’ve found, it’s amazing what a difference to your relationship and their well being when you change behaviour.
Sounds so good and am happy for you. Change can be brutal—I mean REAL, honest to goodness CHANGE!
Hi Daniel, why you are not replying to the comments on your website? Why is it taking too long? And In which day and time you replies the most?
Hello Nayigiri —
I do my best to reply to comments when I have time. Sometimes I’m extremely busy doing other things — traveling, trying to make money, etc… But I do my best here! It just takes a lot of mental energy for me…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Lately i’ve been thinking about children of parents from the USSR. As one myself, born in Ukraine and immigrated (with my parents) to israel at a very young age, i start to notice a recurring “theme” of sorts. from what i’ve gathered till now, and i feel only at the beginning of my journey and piecing of my history, i;ve experienced a lot of neglect, fright, mockery, distance of authority between me and my parnets, silent treatments and the “holy grail” of spanking. There was a general feeling of terror and coldness at home and the perception of more like a pet to be commended. Personally i’d even say that my spirit and true self were beaten down very early on.
And as i started my healing journey, i’ve noticed that i’m not alone in my experience. for example i’m taking quite a distance from my parents and barely speak with them and i heard of other people with soviet parents who are similar. it probably helps that i’m now in israel and not still in the soviet block because here people notice the stiffness and hardness of russian people, to the point that even a psychiatrist i went to once told me something similar.
So first i’d want to ask you (or anyone else that wants to respond), since you’ve been a therapist in New York, have you came across a similar phenomena? That there’s a similarity in the traumas of people from russian or soviet origin?
Secondly, unfortunately i have no real allies or people to talk and compare experiences with within my extended family. lately i’ve learnt that one of my cousins, who’s approximately 13 years old, decided on her own accord to go a boarding school and visits home only on holidays. When i integrate my memories from their (her parents, my uncle and aunt) house and add the way they treat their pets, it made complete sense to me she’d want to get away from them. one of my intuitive reactions was to call her to give some support for her decision. But, at the age of 13 when she’s still dependent on her parents, i fear i’ll “spill too much” about childhood trauma since this is a big chunk of what occupies me now. i don;t think it is a good time for that. On the other hand, i imagine that if someone came to support me at the age of 13 it would be almost like a miracle, even though i’d probably would have been too dissociated. and yes, i see the fantasy of what i wanted in this.
So what do you think? is there any benefit of talking with her even if just a little without going “all out” or is it too big of a risk for her life right now?
Either way, thank you.
Roman.
Interesting insightful post thank you for sharing and wondering what insights Daniel would provide
I submitted this earlier, but it never posted, so I’ll try again.
I’ve started a self-therapy peer support group on the chat app Discord. This group operates off of principles similar to those espoused on this website, and even uses resources lent to me by Daniel himself. If anyone would be interested in joining this self-therapy peer support group, you can use this link to join: https://discord.gg/FUSxZ4tS5T
I just ask that you read the rules and principles of the group in their entirety before participating.
Thanks!
Sounds excellent!
Hi daniel, i have seen in your videos that you say medications are bad. so my question is,
Are all mental illness treatable without medications ?
He has documentaries about recovering from schizophrenia without medication. Schizophrenia is usually considered to be the most extremely mental condition, so if that’s possible, any mental distress can be recovered from if approached properly.
Hi Joshua,
Well, I believe that psychological problems are healable, given the right set of emotional and social circumstances for healing. Sometimes it could take a long time, though. The problem is, a lot of what gets labeled as “mental” illness isn’t necessarily mental at all — for instance, brain damage from psychiatric drugs that were initially given to treat so-called “mental” illness. Later the effects of the psych drugs (or the effects of their withdrawal) gets also labeled as “mental” illness, where it’s actually neurological damage and often NOT so easy to heal… Social and emotional support can help, though… Wishing you the best, Daniel
Daniel,
I owe you an apology, which I realized after watching your video “Real consent versus fake consent”. I had made a criticism of your channel in the past, but I didn’t ask for your consent/permission to make the criticism first. I feel like a big jerk now in hindsight, and rightly so.
For reference, the criticism is when I left a comment here on wildtruth where I basically said “while I greatly appreciate and agree with the message behind your videos, they tend to be repetitive.”
I feel especially bad about that comment, considering your videos have been a beacon of light for me after a lifetime of interacting with fake, bitter adults in the fake, bitter society society they’ve created. This was a horrible way for me to say thank you, by giving you unsolicited criticism. I am so sorry. I understand that it must’ve felt terrible to you. Again, I feel like a jerk.
And the irony is, the more I come to realize how right you are about the enormous magnitude of a child’s emotional needs.. how spontaneous and creative children are, and how quickly adults crush that spark.. the more I realize that it’s OKAY that your vides are repetitive. The truth behind your videos can’t diminish.
Thank you for having such an enormous amount of empathy, courage, insight, wisdom and love for truth. I could never put out videos like yours, because I’m way too afraid to speak out in this fake society around me.
Very heart-warming, as heartfelt apologies usually are.
Hi Pat, this is very kind of you to say, but definitely no apology necessary! I appreciated that comment that you said, and actually I do repeat myself a lot, and sometimes it concerns me! Yet the thing that goes through my head again and again is that the message bears repeating, and that I try to tackle it from different angles. And by the way, no need to ask permission to criticize me or my point of view! Criticism is fair. Warm greetings! Daniel
Yeah, that is so true.And when one thinks about it many of our issues in life revolved around a central dilemma that one is “tackling from different angles.”
Well upon delving into your channel even deeper, I discovered that your videos are not as repetitive as I initially thought. You have many fresh insights that do indeed cover the topic from a wide variety of angles. So my criticism was spoken too soon.
Hi Daniel,
I am glad to hear your thoughts about having children and subtle forms of abuse that occur from parent to child.
As a mother of a 3-year-old it was hard to hear but I think I’ve known these things deep down but never found the words to describe. Although excruciating, I’m now in the process of examining myself, and starting to think and act in ways that I hope will help my daughter.
I do not think we should give up hope of being able to improve the experiences of children in our society.
Hi Daniel, my name is Nick and I recently came across your videos on YouTube. Pretty much everything you say resonates with me. I became a therapist after going to Rutgers grad school in 2013. I’m about to be ten years into this profession and a part of me wants to quit. I did do a lot of good in the last several years and I’m proud of it. I even earned a Humanism award from a foundation that funded the agency I worked at. I want to quit because I’m disgusted with some of the people I’ve worked with. I share your views on therapy and it was nice to know I’m not alone. And like yourself I desire to do other things. I’m also a musician. There was a time when I studied Percussion in college. I passed my juries at the end of the first year and I switched majors. I didn’t leave music and in fact I’ve been slowly making my way back into it. I play in a jazz band with some nice people which hopefully is just the beginning of my return to music. Thank you for the inspiration and thank you for being honest about yourself and honest about Psychotherapy.
Hi Daniel, you have been a therapist for 8 years right? So in those times do you have any clients who have Algophobia (fear of physical pain)?.
And Daniel, I have been going through Algophobia ever since my childhood. because when i was young, one day i was playing with my friends and suddenly i fell on the floor which broke my elbow and it was very painful. anyway it got healed after some months but from that time onwards i started fearing physical pain. So Daniel, I have some questions if you reply them one by one it will be very helpful for me;
1. I don’t wanna take any medication to treat my algophobia. Is medication important to treat this phobia? What if this is severe?
2. And as i am currently going through algophobia, now i also fear other things like electricity, fire etc as all of these causes pain and physical distress. So can a good psychologist be able to get me out of all of these?
3. Is there even any HOPE for me to get out from this without medication?
You REALLY should look into EFT and phobia or EMDR or phobias, primarily because you have a clear traumatic memory and psychogenesis of your symptoms.
These kinds of modalities help you re live that event and process the memory which in turn should heal that fear of pain. It these modalities tend to have long term results in comparison to things like CBT etc.
Hi Daniel,
You have just crossed my youtube path and to be honest I never reach out like this but I have just watched your Questioning Forgiveness video from 4 years ago and basically, YES YES YES to that message!!!
For a long time, I struggled with the concept of forgiveness and finally decided that some things are simply unforgiveable and all the bypassing that happens everywhere only deepens the trauma.
Firmly laying down the blame where it truly belonged (psychologically and emotionally) was such an act of self-love and left me feeling so free and so much lighter as I no longer carried that BS around.
Thank you for your videos. They are such an inspiration.
Best wishes from Scotland
Thank you Alison,
Much appreciated. I’m wishing you only the best! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I simply want to thank you for your bravery to put yourself out there and be a friend or a companion to so many of us. It’s so hard to find anyone who respects and fully empathizes with the child’s perspective. With your videos and your essays I feel less lonely and I’m so grateful to you.
All the best,
Simon
Thanks Simon,
Much appreciated!
Daniel
I agree. Daniel has been a resonating voice for those of us that struggle with the attitudes of the world around us.
Daniel, I’m watching this youtube channel that criticizes the government and politicians as being our slavemasters and oppressors. I think that person’s criticisms of the government are ultimately correct, but it’s still so boring to listen to!! Even people like that who criticize the government are still stuck in a loop where it’s all they can talk about.. and they still fail to express their true inner creativity. That’s just how most adults are I suppose – whether they support the government or oppose it, they’re still boring and cannot tap into their inner child. It feels like I’m stuck in history class again, bored out of my mind. For me, this reinforces what you say about how politics reflects our family dynamics, and how we should focus on our family dynamics instead. You couldn’t be more right on that IMO.
Hello Daniel,
I have watched most of your YouTube videos, and I believe that you have discovered something very big here! I applaud your courage for not diluting the message of your discovery!
As someone who very likely has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) due to childhood trauma, I am at a loss on how to proceed towards wellness. The usual approach is the therapeutic model, but as you know, finding a good therapist is very difficult. Do you have any advice for someone like me?
Hi Greg,
Hmm…perhaps some form of self-therapy would work? Journaling? Finding ways to get in touch with deeper feelings? I think most people have some form of Reactive Attachment Disorder (if you want to use that term), though some definitely more extreme than others… I think a lot of the tools I share about for self-therapy might be useful for this, it’s just a question of picking and choosing what works best for you. My self-therapy book might be useful too — perhaps? Or maybe you already have tried it?
Wishing you only the best!
Daniel
Hi David
I’m wondering what your thoughts are on ketamine assisted therapy. I used to see a therapist and she was big on talk therapy at first, then it was all about bioenergetics and now it’s this new ketamine assisted therapy. I don’t know anything about this type of treatment and would love to know your thoughts.. thanks!!
P.
Hi Polly,
I’ve never tried ketamine assisted therapy myself, but I would be quite skeptical. Ketamine is a very strong drug and I’ve known some people who have had pretty nasty reactions to it. I made a whole video about doing Ayahuasca for healing, and if you can find that, that pretty much sums up my point of view on using heavy drugs like ketamine and mushrooms and MDMA for therapeutic purposes. Perhaps they could help some people but I much prefer a natural healing path that uses no drugs at all. It’s less risky and also the person knows they’re doing the healing from within, versus needing to use some external drug to change their life. All the best to you, Daniel
Hi!
Thank you for your response. Honestly I was feeling pretty skeptical about it myself. I’m not in therapy and don’t feel a need to be. I was in therapy for almost six years with the same therapist. In the beginning we did a lot of psychodynamic talk therapy… it was a slow process but I felt the most comfortable going that route. About 6 months in she was strongly encouraging me to engage in bioenergetic therapy which I was super uncomfortable in… it was physically painful and made me feel uncomfortable emotionally as well. I have since stopped therapy as I felt secure and at peace with myself . So fast foreword a few years later to now and on her Instagram and FB she is big time advocating for Ketamine assisted therapy. I was given Ketamine after major surgery to help with pain while in the recovery room… it helped me with pain but I can not imagine using a psychedelic drug in therapy! I find it concerning how in 2013 my therapist really believed in psychodynamic therapy… then she leans towards bioenergetic therapy.. and now all she talks about is Ketamine assisted therapy. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Thanks again!!
Polly
Hey Daniel,
I have been watching your videos lately and they have helped me a lot. I have never seen someone else bring up the problems in psychiatry so well, so it feels good being able to relate to it all.
Recently i just left a clinic where i was treated horribly, and i was misdiagnosed as possibly psychotic, depressed and anxious, and with a body dysmorphic disorder. All my attempts to bring up developmental trauma were ignored or shut down. One doctor downright said that apparently years of being bullied and isolated by all my peers cannot traumatize a person.
I am now in the process and trying to get them to be responsible for what they did, and having my distorted diagnoses removed from my record. Confronting the people that i saw there is scary for me, and i am afraid that the shame and freeze response will kick in when i talk to them again like it always does. Do you have any advice for me on how to move on with this? I wish i never went to that place because they made my symptoms worse, and no one obviously believes me over any authority figure.
Hi Pineapple,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through. I’m also sorry to share that unfortunately it is very common. In terms of what you shared, about “having my distorted diagnoses removed from my record,” basically, from all that I’ve seen over the last 20 years, it unfortunately is just about impossible to get anyone to change your medical record. I have seen people try and try and try many many times and basically no one gets anywhere. They will almost never admit wrongdoing and the people who try to get them to change end up wasting a lot of energy and bringing themselves more pain. I know this news is not good, but this is what I have observed. Back when I was a therapist I also tried to help people get their records changed and even then I got nowhere. I talked about this in one or two videos but I can’t remember which ones. Maybe I should make a video specifically on this topic, because it’s a good topic. Wishing you only the best on your journey forward. Daniel
” One doctor downright said that apparently years of being bullied and isolated by all my peers cannot traumatize a person.”
Wow, as someone who’s no stranger to being bullied in K-12 as well as by family members, I know that couldn’t be further from the truth. Anyone who says something like that is in denial, hasn’t been bullied but has little empathy for those who experienced it, or is likely a bully themselves.
Sounds like so many clueless “doctors”
That doctor did show some other bad signs too. I sensed no empathy, and sometimes when i made a logical argument against her empty claims, she just remained silent for 2-3 seconds and then continued like i never said anything. She also had this weird subtle smirk/smile on her face often. I never figured out what that meant, but i have read that some narcissists do that.
I really understand what you are going through. I wanted to complain about my therapist who was an expert at retraumatising me, and did not really believe in childhood trauma. I found a lovely therapist who had wanted me to put in a complaint, but she warned me that I would meet a very defensive institution and that in itself would be re-traumatising. I decided to leave it, and focus on my own battle for self-acceptance. I did not have a registered diagnosis to fight, so I really feel angry on your behalf. I agree with Daniel (who is enlightening and such a gift to us) that you are probably best continuing your own healing journey, but make note of what has been said by people in support of you. That might be useful in the future.
Thanks, can we talk more about this on maybe facebook?
Jesus said forgive them for they know not what they are doing. when I started attributing god to my life I found grace and healing. without god you can do nothing. when there where one set of footprints in the sand that was god carrying me through the tough times in life.miracles happen all the time but if you don’t recognize the power of god in your life, and being thankful like the Bible describes there will BE GNASHING OF TEETH and suffering. I recommend the course in miracles and anything from Jidda Krishnamurti. these are not religious books or christian ideology. The only thing that can heal is the spirit. not therapy not people not yourself. GoD alone. good luck wish you all the best Daniel.
I really love your perspective. However, when you say that God alone heals, what does that mean? Are we not all potential instuments of healing in God’s great symphony. Will he not use any of His creation to promote healing? Does God bring into existence all kinds of herbs and plants (and human beings) for our healing? Surely, God alone is the Healer, and then how does that manifest in the realm of creation?
You say “Without God you can do nothing.” I would revise that as “Without God I can do nothing. Without God, Scott Sombers can do nothing.” If God has helped you, then that’s great. But you shouldn’t speak on behalf of other people – we are not all the same person. If God was so helpful, then why do we need to shove it down peoples’ throats?
Religion and spirituality are often used by abusers to let themselves off the hook for their actions. A kind person does not demand forgiveness, he takes responsibility for his actions. I recommend the youtube video “Narcissistic Pseudospirituality” by Dr. Ramani. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzD-GZBTQVI
Apologies—the “universal you” was intended. However, I agree that it is more succinct to think in terms of “I” or “one.” Thank you for your response.
Hi Pat. I do know that narcissists and abusers love the idea of being g forgiven but that’s ok. Im not saying to continue to allow people to abuse. However if we continue our lives in the past and identify as a victim of something. Then that is our destiny. To never move on. Once u can forgive and not the narcissist but the one before the narcissist became. If u know what I mean. Then u can be forgiven and live in the now and forget the past and future. Narcissus are extremely weak hurt and desperate individuals that are pitiful sad. Why fight with them. It’s a waiste of energy. Everyone is the same before they become conditioned therefore we r all one therefore if I cannot do anything without god then either can anyone. Because we r the same.
Hey, is there information somewhere about the damage that SSRIs or other psychiatric drugs can do? I have eaten some of them when i was still a teenager for a few months at a time at most, and i have been thinking if they somehow affected my physical development. I haven’t found much information on this anywhere. I don’t mean the temporary side effects, but the possible long term effects like hormonal problems etc.
Hi Curious! Hmm, maybe rxisk.org or madinamerica.com
I’m not sure about hormonal problems as a result of psychiatric drugs, but I definitely would not be surprised if it’s possible. Then again, I have known a lot of people who have had problems with their thyroids after lithium.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Thanks!
Hi Daniel,
Just want to thank you for your work. It’s helped me a lot. I broke with my parents about 2 years ago. I’ve struggled to find good resources that support me through the healing. I’ve got your book on the subject and I’ve found all your YouTube videos very helpful as well.
I think it’s brave of you to speak out so boldly about a topic many struggle or refuse to understand. Breaking with my parents has cost me other relationships. I’ve got a new perspective on my present life and my past. Some days I struggle with doubt and guilt about this new path, but your content has helped me stay focused on my truth.
I’ve got a long journey ahead, but it’s comforting and inspiring to know that someone else found a way and made it through.
Thank you for what you do.
Thanks for sharing this, Leslie. Wishing you all the best.
Daniel
Any comment on the notion that psychology/psychiatry were hijacked by a UK/U.S. project around the 1940s and 1950s?
Videos if you want to watch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHXGSMpgX5U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-HPZhGYQAE
There is quite a bit of evidence that the public information about MKUltra was meant to distract from its real purpose, hence the reason Richard Helms destroyed one group of documents but not another.
Weltanschauungskrieg is a German word for ‘world view war’, and this project was meant to globalize a psychiatry paradigm which would benefit Western Europe, or more specifically the UK worldview.
If you have not read, already, I highly recommend “Anatomy Of An Epidemic”
Walter,
Daniel has a video about conspiracy theories (I’m not saying that MKUltra is a conspiracy theory – merely that he has a video with his thoughts on conspiracy theories.) He doesn’t talk about MKUltra in that video, but I left a comment mentioning MKUltra, and Daniel replied saying he agrees that MKUltra is an example of a conspiracy theory that turned out to be true. Besides that, I don’t think he has a video where he talks about MKUltra specifically.
That being said, many of Daniel’s videos criticize psychiatry and psychiatric medications, as you’re probably already aware of.
(To be honest, I haven’t really done any proper research on MKUltra myself. It’s a topic that interests me, but I don’t know how to begin doing proper research and verifying the evidence. All I’ve done is watch a couple documentaries on it, which is of course not research.)
*Also, what you said about the official, public version of MKUltra being a cover for its real intention (to hijack the field of psychology/psychiatry) makes sense. If the official version was the true one, then we’d never have heard about it.
But if the goal was to hijack psychology/psychiatry, then my question is, what did the field of psychology/psychiatry look like before it was hijacked? Was it better than it is today, or was the field always one that was severely lacking in truthful insights into trauma and the human mind?
And also, how exactly would these secretive projects have gone about hijacking the field? Officially, we’re told that people were confined and experimented on with various drugs including LSD. Do you think there’s more to it than that to facilitate the hijacking of the field?
And it really is awful that a certain nation or empire would try to forcefully and cruelly shift a world view in their own favor – in favor of their own profits. It’s awful that they would try to change human psychology just for their own benefit. Daniel’s channel happens to be one that focuses on family dynamics, rather than exploring what’s going on in society at large that would lead to such abusive dynamics. The macroscopic view is something that Daniel’s channel doesn’t really address (and I’m not criticizing him for that, I’m just stating it how it is.)
And because of this, I think Daniel has a tendency to put 100% of the blame on the family system. But to be fair, it’s very hard to have an understanding of these corrupt social dynamics. These aren’t exactly mainstream topics, and you have to look in some unusual places to find this sort of information – things which might easily cross into the conspiracy theory threshold if you’re not extremely open minded.
Guys, I’ve had a few things happen today that released a lot of emotions. I feel amazing about myself for like the first time in my life. It made me realize how rarely I feel like this. DANIEL WAS RIGHT. I am a beautiful soul, and I want to connect other beautiful, intelligent, empathic, radiant souls.
It made me realize that I live with a monster of a father who will do anything to crush that beauty in me – physically and verbally. I lived for so long thinking I didn’t have any positive traits. But I am bursting with positive traits. They had just been suppressed for so long.
And like I said, this positive feeling is incredibly rare. First time in my life. Most of the time, I live with a lot of self-hatred.
Good on you Pat B
Daniel is a visionary, maybe in 50 or 100 hears he will get the recognition he deserves. His work informs my work.
As for fathers, mine is a covert narcissist so his abuse is far more subtle, he doesn’t mean to, but cant help himself and wont do any deeper work himself, as a holocaust survivor, hes just to damaged.
The children of holcaust survivors seem to be stuck with a lot of passed down unresolved trauma.
Yes for sure, my 3 sisters and I all struggle.
In my research, It is apparent, to me at least, that it is the grandchildren of the holocaust survivors that get hit the hardest. Any thoughts?
Thats an interesting theory, for sure my nieces and nephews are struggling. I have tried to stop the transmission by being in psychotherapy for years, then trained as one and also done loads of other self development work. Time will tell.
Christine, your theory is interesting because it takes into account our ancestry and history when factoring in trauma. However, as someone whose traumas have gone unheard and unnoticed my whole life, it does bother me when people try to claim there is a certain group that has “endured more” than another.
But again, what you propose is very interesting, because there could be all sorts of things that happened in history that could affect present day family dynamics and abuses. For instance, what if someone in the family committed murder, or was the victim of murder? Or what if they had committed a cruel act during a war, or were the victim of a cruel act in war? I have no doubt these things would have a huge impact – it’s just not a connection our society ever addresses.
Daniel,
I’ve been really enjoying your content on Youtube. You have a fascinating mind. I don’t mean to label you, but I’d be shocked if you weren’t an INFJ. Regardless,I sincerely thank you for your willingness to share your ideas.
I was hoping you’d be generous enough to impart wisdom on me regarding psychotherapy. I’m a new therapist who is struggling to find much value in the commonly taught modalities. I’m an incredulous person by nature, and I can’t bring myself to practice method on clients that I wouldn’t practice on myself. It all seems inauthentic and shallow at this point, but I do truly want to help people.
I gather you practiced eclectically, but would you be willing to share book recommendations, approaches, or other sources that you actually found credible? What positively impacted your practice? What informed you?
Many thanks,
– JW
Hi JW,
Greetings and thank you! I can’t reply much at the moment because I’m away from my computer and have almost no Internet. But I will reply in a few weeks! Warm hello,
Daniel
I pegged Daniel as an INFJ as well because INFJs tend to be people who possess introverted natures but are visionaries others can come to for counseling. I also happen to be a fan of Myers-Briggs and other personality typing systems.
Hi Daniel,
There’s something that I’m curious about and after watching your video about quitting therapy on YouTube, I thought that you would be the perfect person to ask.
Did you in your practice ever deal with people who had issues with a normal (i.e. non-extreme) religious upbringing? My feeling is that there is a ton of overlap between the aims and categories of spirituality and those of psychotherapy. My sense is that therapy is taking the place of religion and spirituality in the secular epoch, almost becoming a secular religion (people go to therapists seeking the same help that they would have sought in a priest/pastor/rabbi earlier). Perhaps this is fine for those who need such spiritual transformation, but it would also seem to imply the same problems of subjectivity and authority, and the potential for psycho-spiritual damage, inherent to religion.
I notice how it is always the same spiritual people who gradually replace (or integrate) their religious terminology with therapy terminology. Once religion comes to seem too authoritarian it is replaced with spirituality and once spirituality is discovered to contain an element of the arbitrary it is replaced by therapy. But the same operations, and the same arbitrary authority, remain present.
One might object that either way it is a personal choice, except that as psychotherapeutic language and categories become more popular, it becomes increasingly difficult to avoid those who would irresponsibly insist on having an influence on one’s mind.
How can one trust in the conceptual vocabulary of psychotherapy as it gains so much popular authority (thereby evading, say, social issues and recasting every issue as a personal one)? How can one be of a skeptical-critical mind without going crazy by the gaslighting normalized by those wishing to define what is and is not normal?
Regards,
Ronald
P. S. What is your favourite novel and why?
Hi Ronald,
Sorry for my short reply but I am presently in a place that has almost no Internet and I am without my computer. I will reply in a few weeks. Sending you a hello.
Daniel
Daniel,
I feel so overwhelmed when I imagine finally connecting with likeminded souls, overwhelmed at the idea of living in a world where our creativity is nurtured. I don’t know why it terrifies me, despite being something I’ve always longed for. I too wish the world would just hurry up and resolve its traumas already. But the idea of feeling all these feelings, of getting to express my inner beauty without having to hide it.. It gives me a knot in my stomach, as if I just ate something rotten. It is terrifying. I’d much rather just hide in my room all day.
Is this simply a defense mechanism where I’m afraid to be myself, because so many people crush us and hurt us for being ourselves? Or is there more to it?
Hi Daniel,
I’m glad of having discovered your YT channel. On a video where you’ve done 20 predictions for the next 20 years, you’ve said people who break from their parents will exit the parent cult and want to meet other folks. You know how society is, still the majority will treat you bad if you don’t agree to the family value system and it’s hard to find suitable peers without expressing publicly your views.
Do you have any channel like a Facebook page or a forum or some other way where your followers can gather and search for other peers, maybe more suited to their geographic area?
I’ve lived for 20 years(I’m 33) in chronic loneliness and it was coupled with many years of major depression and self doubt,thinking there was something wrong with me. In the last couple years I’ve come to the realization I was sane and intelligent but I was not lucky of having met the right people.
Thanks!
Hi Ned,
Alas, I don’t have any kind of forum like that. It’s a good idea, and it would be great if someone created it, but I don’t have the energy to do it myself.
I am wishing you the best!
Daniel
There is a website and forum called out of the fog for people that have personality disordered parents, siblings or partners. I found this to be quite supportive in my own journey of separating from my dysfunctional family of origin
The thought of meeting face-to-face with likeminded souls is a dream.. But also quite overwhelming. It’s so much easier to just sit in my room all day and avoid meeting anyone, even if they feel the same way I do.
@Pat B I’ve lived in loneliness for 20 years, but I can say I have the luck of having one very good friend that has been super good to me but also a lot older than me. She’s been more of a mother but very friendly and jokes a lot, in complete contrast with my biological mother who is very strict and suffering from (undiagnosed) schizoaffective disorder.
But contact with peers and society is very much needed and healthy, even for me that I enjoy my solitude I feel like I’m slowly dying by not having a richer connection with society. I don’t want to necessarily meet people with my same mindset, it’s more interesting to meet people with complementary traits than ourselves, but I need a common ground based on respect and to not be judged as insane given my perception of the world.
I think that’s the main issue with modern society, there is a lack of letting “weird” people express themselves.Ancient cultures had the figure of a shaman who was one of the most respected figures in society, he lived at the edge of the tribe/town. He wasn’t engaging much socially(apart from cerimonies) but people back then knew that life is not only about the material and for existential or crisis in their lives they went to see a shaman so to have a different perspective of their problems. Now I’m not sayiing me or most weirdos have the capabalities and knowledge of a shaman, but the way society treated them was by first considering they were either in contact with spirits or gifted with unconcentional wisdom, before they would had been judged automatically as strictly mentally sick or unrecoverable.
Come join Reddit raised by narcissists;
Cptsd; and narcissistic parents forums. This sounds like what your looking for. And sounds exactly like myself/everyone else on the forums. Many of us are NC from our family of origins. Understanding what happened helps tremendously with the loneliness/healing. Turns out…my story is almost identical to people on those forums and Daniel from his videos. And I met one of us in person…who was already a friend of mine for a year. Not a coincidence. We are finding each other.
Sounds good! I just hope that a “cult” of sorts is not formed around breaking with parents.
Hi Daniel,
I’ve recently picked up a book at the library called, “A Way of Being,” written by Carl Rogers. It’s a collection of essays and reflections on his life and career. I’ve also read some of his ideas in miscellaneous quotes online, and I think I really like his ideas and worldview. Could you tell me what you think of Carl Rogers?
Thanks,
Chris
Hi Chris,
I’ve read a few Carl Rogers book (none in the last 15 years, though). I feel mixed about him. He was actually one of the first psychologists I read. I remember reading “Counseling and Psychotherapy” and feeling like I couldn’t make sense of it, especially all the direct transcripts he put in of his conversations with clients. I did get a feeling that he was a gentle and caring man (and I feel this still), and I got the feeling that these were important qualities in a therapist, but past that it didn’t help me at all — and maybe it even made me feel insecure because I couldn’t follow his line of thought. A few of his other books I found more understandable (and again I liked his gentleness), but then I read part of his book on encounter groups and I felt like he’d gone weird… I wasn’t into that at all… It felt culty to me, from what I remember…
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I just watched something that proves your point about “what lies beneath our leathery hides.” (I’m sorry if this is too graphic for your website) – but I watched a video of a teenager getting stabbed by a store owner 7 times for an attempted robbery. It was absolutely brutal to watch. I don’t think the store owner had to go that far – it’s as if he was itching to hurt someone his whole life, and he finally got the opportunity to let out all that rage. I think this was about more than just whatever product the kid tried to steal. I saw the video on Reddit, a popular social media site – and I checked the comments.. Many people were defending the store owner, and throwing jeering comments at the teenager. I feel that these people are just as emotionally detached as the store owner. I think this shows how our society empowers cruel behavior from emotionally detached people – how our laws protect people like the store owner, and how emotionally detached people cover each others’ backs. I used to fear that raggedy person on the street – the teenager or the homeless person – but now I know who the real danger is, who has the leatheriest of hides: it’s probably the normal, well-adjusted, wealthy person who owns a business, runs a shop.
I also look at sports as another example of something that brings out peoples’ hidden rage and cruelty. There are probably lots of examples of violent acts committed in sports, by fans and players – I’ve even seen a famous soccer manager poke another soccer manager’s eyes! There’s lots and lots of money that goes into sports, which is a huge red flag to me. You just know it’s gonna be full of sleazy, cruel behavior.
Ugh, maybe I shouldn’t have shared this here. I know there are some sensitive souls here, just like me. I apologize.
Hi Pat,
I saw that video too online — it was very disturbing. You may well be right…
Daniel
Hi daniel, nice to meet you. (Also sorry for my bad english).
I know you are a therapist no more. But as you were a therapist 10 years ago and had some knowledge and experience in the field of psychological therapy, I want you to tell me If my condition Is treatable.
So sir my question is will my this condition be treatable and curable? I don’t want to take any medication so are there any other forms of treatments available for my this condition?
My story is,
I had an accident some months ago and got injured, bleeded a lot, my bones fractured and dislocated and yeah… it was very painful. From that i start Fearing pain. I fear that something painful may happen to me.
After that incident, I also started developing some phobias including Algophobia(fear of pain).
When I remember my accident incident I suddenly shock and cry a lot and now slowly going into a state of depression too.
Not only that, Now i fear other things too like, electric shocks, acids, poison, Vomiting, death without getting air or oxygen, choking and many other things. I fear after Even if I see or hear about these things because all of these things leads to physical pain and other physical troubles.
Another thing is that, When I see any disturbing news like murders, other things like death of people by electric shocks, chocking etc, I start fearing, get sad and get depressed when thinking about the pain and other physical troubles those people had experienced at that time and then i cry a lot. when I see them screaming in pain it also makes me sad, Fear and depressed. It also triggers me a lot.
I don’t wanna live anymore in this painful world.
Sometimes I wish I would have never even existed.
All these things are affecting my psychological and mental health very negatively.
Hi Andrew,
I’m sorry for my delay! Well, it certainly sounds like you were quite traumatized from the accident you experienced, and I see no reason why what you’re experiencing now is a post-traumatic reaction.
So with that in mind, I see no reason why you can’t heal from it and move on with your life in a healthier way. The question is how to heal from the trauma. There are many possibilities, and I hope you find one that works for you. I write some about self-therapy on this website, and I have videos on it. That might help you. Perhaps a good therapist would also, though sometimes they can be hard to find. I don’t recommend psychiatric drugs, just so you know.
I am really wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Andrew, I’m so sorry for your experiences. It may be helpful if you can find a therapist who specializes in trauma or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They may be able to help you through various treatment modalities, like exposure therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectal behavioral therapy (DBT).
There are also self-workbooks on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Retrain-Your-Brain-Behavioral-Depression) that help you walk yourself through treatments, but given your strong reactions, I think you could benefit from working through these issues with guidance from a provider/therapist/social worker/etc.
Your reactions since your accident sound completely reasonable to me, however, if you don’t seek treatment (therapy not medication), you may struggle your entire life. The sooner you find help, the better. Yes, finding a therapist is so difficult, so I would ask friends and family and maybe educational institutions where you live for recommendations.
Also – you MUST stop triggering yourself by allowing yourself to be exposed to the trauma’s of others. Don’t read sad stories or watch sad/difficult things on the Internet/where ever.
I limit my exposure to media intensely, because I’m very empathic and the pain of others becomes mine. I was hit by a train as a child and struggle with similar issues to you and these are my recommendations. Take them or leave them, but please seek help from a professional. I’m so sorry for your struggles & wish you the best. 🙂 Kat
Hey Daniel! If you have the time, out of curiosity I’d like to ask: had you ever had clients with selective mutism during your time as a psychotherapist? I ask because I had it as a child and it made for some traumatising interactions with my parents. I’ve read it’s not a disorder that is caused by trauma but I’ve grown rather skeptical of that claim, especially seeing as a lot of child abuse/neglect in society never even registers as trauma to people in the field. It’s incredibly rare to see this disorder mentioned at all anywhere so I couldn’t help but wonder if you have any thoughts on what could make a young child suddenly develop this disorder out of blue.
Regardless, thanks for your videos, as they’ve been very helpful in untangling my trauma and making me aware of a lot of the corruption in the psychiatry field I didn’t know about!
Hi Alex,
Yes, I had clients with it, and once a friend who had it intensely as a child, and also I had it a few times in my life as well. I don’t know about what caused my friend to have it (though his father did abandon him and his mother), but I did see in the case of my clients and in my own case that it was definitely trauma-based. It wasn’t safe to talk — to speak my mind — to express my feelings, to be me. Being me was dangerous and going silent, beyond conscious control, was safer for me. When I felt safer (by getting away from the awful people and also by healing my traumas) I could talk again, without a problem. I saw the same with clients. There is also a person in my film Take These Broken Wings (on youtube) who was selectively mute for a while. It seemed pretty clear it was trauma-based in her case too….
Greetings,
Daniel
Whoa, that is actually fascinating, because from my personal experience escaping my parents ‘cured’ my selective mutism too – and I definitely recall instances where I’d receive angry and rejecting confrontations from a parent about the fact I refused to talk about ‘why I’m like this’ which needless to say made me freeze and go nonverbal even more out of fear, because I was afraid speaking would escalate the situation even more. Many thanks for your response – I’ve been meaning to check out your documentary too, and this is gonna be an additional reason to do so now as it’s so hard to find people with similar early experiences and it can feel isolating at times. Very surprised to hear you struggled with this too!!
Hi Alex,
I think I should make a video on selective mutism. It’s a good topic and I think it’s more common than people realize. Also, the woman in the film of mine that was selectively mute was in the middle of a deep psychotic break, and, come to think of it, I’m not sure if she was actually selectively mute, but maybe mute all the time — for a period of years. But I think the film also makes it clear that her issue was trauma related. Meanwhile, sending you good vibes! Daniel
If making a video on the subject truly interests you then I think it’d be a fantastic idea – there are such little resources and info on selective mutism as it is, and I feel like there’s got to be a lot of people affected by it who would really appreciate the visibility of a more (in my experience at least) stigmatised anxiety disorder like it. Especially considering current data seems to be reluctant to consider trauma to be the cause of the condition!
Appreciate the vibes, take care. 🙂
Sounds good—I couldn’t talk at one point or a couple points in my adult life
I would love this video!
Hello Daniel,
I was hospitalized twice with psychosis. I was diagnosed bipolar. I take olanzapine now. I like what you say about trauma being part of it because I totally see connections to trauma in my psychosis. I know you are against pills. If I go off the pills, what is the alternative? What do you think I should do for recovery? Thanks
Hi Kaeli,
I would recommend The Withdrawal Project — they might have some good ideas for you!
Daniel
http://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org
Have you heard anything about psychedelics triggering a dramatic increase of intelligence? Experienced it after taking ayahuasca to say a Genius level even it eventually went away 3 months later but dont see much on it out there. Some say its kundalini but idk much about it.
I have never heard of that, Andrew. I’ve heard of people have very altered perceptions of themselves, though, after ayahuasca (and have experienced that myself). Meanwhile, what you’re describing sounds a bit like the book Flowers for Algernon — a classic book. In that case the main character was mentally retarded to begin with, though — different from your case. But still, it was a very interesting book — worth a read if you haven’t seen it.
Daniel
Hi Daniel, I always see things as simple and valueless. Like, if I eat my favourite ice cream while enjoying it and after a while I get thoughts like ”uh! It’s just ice cream”. If I see a beautiful starry night I would be very amazed while seeing it. But later I get thoughts like ”uh! it’s just a starry night.. Nothing else”. These type of thoughts also make me very sad and depressed as I see everything as simple and valueless. I get thoughts like ”uh! it’s just a ‘physical thing’ it will die over time.I don’t need to show love/interest towards that. It is just temporary”. Also I get thoughts like ”uh! All things are temporary. no need to show interest/love towards them”. So how do I deal with these?
Hmm, Tim…good question…. Off the top of my head (I’m fried right now, too much work) I’m not sure what to say. Maybe others can contribute here. Also, I really welcome others who read these comments to feel free to jump in and answer as best they can. I know there’s a lot of wisdom here!
Daniel
Thanks, Daniel, for inviting responses from your “Wild Truth” community!
Hello Tim, I feel that what you are expressing is very valuable. Without context the beauty of the starry night is just what you said . The sadness may originate from a place that needs, indeed requires aforementioned context. Don’t try to push away your insights or even try to stop feeling sad. Kierkegaard, who followed every idea to its “illogical final point,” loved his melancholy as he felt it was a genuine consequence of his stellar insights.
Hi Daniel, when you were psychotherapist have you ever trained in doing forms of therapy like EMDR, psychodynamic therapy, cbt etc?. And have you ever perform any of these therapy to any of your client at that time?
Hi Guiso,
Psychodynamic therapy, yes, and some CBT — though I more just followed my own path and not any prescribed method. EMDR, no. I tried EMDR myself a couple of times and didn’t like it — didn’t do anything for me. I’ve talked to some people who have said it’s helped then and others who said it overwhelmed them and made them feel worse — even to the point of psych hospitalization. Daniel
Hi Daniel, thank you for your video on why you ended up leaving your job as a therapist. Have you seen/experienced severe burnout, and do you have any suggestions on what to consider before stepping away from the field? Appreciate your time.
Hi Marty– severe burnout, no. I was heading in that direction, though, before I stopped. Suggestions — well, maybe fewer clients, more breaks. Or a big break… More fun things. More focus on one’s own needs and not just the needs and feelings of others…
Daniel
Hello I’m currently working on a research paper for an English class about certain questions that we have about the profession we want to enter. I chose psychology because to be honest with you I have a fascination about this field of study and I enjoyed having my lecture in class. My question to you is (and I hope this isn’t a bother) If our mental health is as important as your physical health shouldn’t health insurance providers cover therapy sessions for us? Why is therapy labeled “so expensive”? Is the salary of a therapist excused? should they make more, or should they make less?
Hi Daniel,
Hmm…perhaps I’m not such a big fan of therapy anymore… I often think therapy is too expensive, though I think if a therapist is really great then maybe it’s worth a high cost. But I think, and this is based on my experience, that most therapists are not very good and really are just running a racket. They really don’t have much to offer people for their mental health struggles and sometimes are just downright bad and hurtful. And so much of the mental health system nowadays, especially when it comes to people with more serious problems, is about putting people on drugs. And the people who fund the system use that very argument– “our mental health is as important as your physical health”– to get more people put on the meds. I think it’s awful… And a lot of times the therapists themselves are the conduits to get people stuck on the drugs. It’s part of their training and very hurtful…
But a good therapist who really knows how to help a wide variety of people — very rare and very wonderful. And often, from what I’ve seen, these people charge LESS money. It’s because they have more of a heart.
Daniel
Wow. Found your site looking up projective identification on YouTube. It’s very helpful to hear you say this, having been a therapist.
After a truly hellish time working with too many trauma therapists, including a very famous and very expensive one who forgot her own protocol because she was looking through the eyes of my mother introject, I have concluded psychotherapy (and particularly trauma therapy) is inherently flawed. It depends on one party to be unerring and experience no cognitive distortions. The profession encourages the narcissistic viewpoint that in the case of any relationship difficulties, the client is automatically wrong and the therapist is almost never projecting on the client. I believe this idea is totally false. I think therapists develop countertransference, aren’t humble enough to work through it, and terminate their clients for their own convenience all the time. ALL THE TIME.
I believe the therapists doing the particular protocol that harmed me are empathetic and begin “receiving baby’s transmissions” of how my abusive mother felt and thought about me when commencing the protocol. The therapist is very prone to confuse this information with their own perceptions of the client — and then the therapy is doomed. Worse yet, the therapy is harmful when performed in this state, so the clients are left destabilized and never knowing what hit them. Many times the therapist walks away feeling like they did something good for the client (must be something wrong with THEM that the therapy didn’t work!)
I’m doing my own art, music and dance therapy at home from now on. I will never trust a therapist again. I’ve been harmed so much more than helped. Most of the growth I’ve experienced has come from figuring out what the therapist should have on my own.
100%
Dear Daniel,
Thank you for your thoughtful work.
I am an ACSW who will have acquired the requisite 3,000 hours for licensure in a few months.
I wonder, when you were working as a psychotherapist, if you ever had days, one of which I had today, when you felt like an inept therapist?
Although you did list the (perhaps adjacent) enormous responsibility as a reason, you did not list occasions of feeling inept as being one of the 6 reasons you stopped being a psychotherapist; but it is certainly a reason that – when it happens – leads me to want to exit the profession. Mostly I feel as if I’m helpful – which is the whole point of the job – but when I feel the opposite of helpful, it feels horrible and discouraging.
Sincerely,
SSB
Hi Sara,
Yes, sometimes I surely felt inept — but that was more early on in my work. I think I shared about this in a few videos, but I can’t exactly remember where. Later in my work I did sometimes, perhaps even often, feel that I wasn’t necessarily helping people in a way I could clearly see, but that didn’t necessarily then translate in my mind to my being inept. Sometimes I felt instead that they were just very stuck — or perhaps that I just wasn’t a match for them. Or perhaps I felt that they just needed more time — or I needed more time to think out creative solutions. But early on I did often feel tormented at feeling inept — especially when I read books by grandiose therapist-healers of their “wow” successes, and also had supervisors who admitted no flaws or weaknesses…tiresome and sad… Anyway, wishing you the best! Daniel
Hey Daniel, have you heard of the work of Lloyd deMause?
https://psychohistory.com/articles/the-history-of-child-abuse/ is a speech from him, it seems he convincingly concluded that sadistic cruelty towards children has been the rule throughout history.
In particular, one idea of his is that children are used and abused as “poison containers” that parents can dump all their toxic waste into.
His observations perfectly match with what you talk about. It really is a pity that the entire topic is not discussed much, and parents are somehow thought to be naturally benevolent, which is not supported by history at all.
Thanks again for all that you do!!!
Hi Charles,
Yes, I do know his work and I read a couple of his books. I found them mostly excellent. I also exchanged some emails with him about fifteen years ago, before he died. But unfortunately I never met him, even though we both lived on the same island — Manhattan.
And thank you for your kind words–
Daniel
Hi Daniel, what type of therapist you were? Clinical psychologist? Childhood trauma therapist or just truama specialist? Also when you were therapist you also had clients who had problems like anxiety, depression, ocd, phobias, ptsd etc Instead of childhood trauma?
Hi Shriya,
My license was as an LCSW — a licensed clinical social worker. But that really told nothing about what type of therapist I was, as it was only a license. I worked differently with each client I had. I always thought about trauma with my clients, but some people didn’t want to talk about their traumas (or didn’t realize they had any) and I didn’t push the subject. I also worked with clients of all sorts of problems — pretty much everything imaginable. I also focused on working with adults.
Daniel
Hi Danial, I have been following your channel in YouTube for the past few days, it is quite interesting!
I actually knew your channel from a search on YouTube, about studying psychology, and I found out that you have the same background as me, I am a biologist also, but I have a huge interest in psychology. But my problem is that I cannot differentiate weather my interest is result of an actual interest or unresolved trauma, I am now deciding between a very good Phd position in my field, or studying psychology on my own, if you have an interest and time to advice me I really appreciate it.
Hi Salwa — Hmm, I’m really not sure what to say! Perhaps journal about it more to figure out what your motives are?
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
First of all’ i’m kinda surprised that you consistently reply to most people here which i guess it’s not always easy
Secondly, i have a few unrelated topics that i’d love to hear your response:
1. i’ve noticed that throughout a a few of your videos you mention that it is really stressful for you to sit and film your opinion and truth publicly for people to see. While i intuitively get that, as personally beginning my own healing journey just 2 years ago, there is a part i’m almost not ready to except. How are you, such a profound and strong person that talks so much about healing trauma and went through so many internal and external challenges, is still very stressful about talking his own truth?
2. you were born in 1972 and you’ve mentioned that you used to go a lot to nature around you. We’re you also “raised by TV” for a period in your childhood? or watched a lot of it at least? i’m mainly asking since i was born a lot later than you (1995) and for me TV and cartoons were a big chunk of my childhood, which mainly were like a continuation of the pacifier and a great distraction from the pains of trauma and neglect. Later also i slowly transitioned to the computer and internet as a main distraction which still lingers to this day. This force of convenient distraction is a one a still struggle with, but on the other hand i find that by remembering or stumbling across old shows and cartoons recently helps me a bit digging up the past. Did you ever experience anything similar?
3. Generally i’m noticing more and more that it is very hard to live in our modern world and society when trying to stop dissociating. Not just on the interpersonal level of interactions and honesty with other people around you, but also almost everything else. For example, i’ve watched a short video about the conditions of chickens in farms that produce (chicken) meat and farms for eggs. i’m already trying to be maximally vegan but just watching that was soul crushing, and the only way yo actually keep consuming these stuff is to completely dissociate. Together with the state of the world of collapsing climate and ecosystems, pointless wars, silly corruption and neglect of even basic infrastructure (in many countries) and so many other problems – is both depressing and anxious. i guess i mainly vented here but if you have any suggestions on how to deal with trying to learn and live your truth in such a background it would be helpful.
So thank you Daniel for being who you are,
with warm regards,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Sorry, I’ve hit that point where at the moment I don’t have the energy to reply… I did my best to reply to your other comments, though!
Thank you for your kind words, also!
Daniel
Daniel,
Hi there! I see how often and how quickly you reply to messages on your website, and I wanted to thank you for how much effort and energy you put into answering questions!
I just wanted to ask you what your opinion is on the phrase “it’s better to be alone than in bad company” in the context of having healthy friends? I ask because I moved to a new city at the beginning of the pandemic, where I didn’t know anyone. It was also around this time that I started my healing work, and I haven’t been able to find any friends in my new city that I feel are really healthy and on board with being honest and true. Is it better to hold out for people that are honest and true or are possibly unhealthy friends better than no friends?
Thanks for all you do!
-Ricky
Hi Ricky,
greetings! Yes, sometimes I have some extra energy and time to respond (and sometimes to respond quickly). Sometimes not… Hmm, I think I actually addressed that topic in a video on friendships. I know for myself I do spend a lot of time alone if I don’t have good friends, but at other times (especially when I’m traveling in foreign lands) I make friends that I might not otherwise have. Also the same when I was younger — some friends were better than no friends!! But I have some pretty bad friends at certain points, and when it comes to that, nowadays, I’d definitely rather be alone!!
Warm greetings,
Daniel
Hi,
I want to know resources on how to deal with Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I’ve been taking meds since 2007 and can’t afford to get an alternative psychiatrist. Are there any books specifically to deal with the disease (Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type)?
Thanks.
Hi Rocky,
I don’t know any such books. I would recommend looking at http://www.madinamerica.com and also https://www.theinnercompass.org These sites might be of some help to you.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel Nice to meet you, I have a problem.(also sorry for my bad english)
When I was young I slipped and fell on the floor. It fractured a bone in my finger and was very painful. After a few days it was cured. But I am now experiencing the following:
1: I feel anxious that something painful like this Or something more painful than this will happen to me in future. And if anything like that happens then after that I become so much sad and will go into a state of extreme depression for sure. I also become again anxious too. I get a sudden shock feeling when i remember about that physical pain i experienced that time.
AND from there on, I start feeling anxious towards “physical pain” And get sad and depressed whenever I think about other people’s huge physical pain they’ve experienced.
2. I also feel depressed whenever I think about the Physical pain I have experienced at that time. Whenever i see any disturbing scene in news or at tv i gets triggered and then i goes into a state of sadness and depression. somedays ago i saw a documentary of hiroshima bomb exploding in japan.were 6000°c of heat hits people and whenever i think about those peoples physical pain they’ve experienced at that time, i becomes so much sad and depressed. Sometimes these things also pop up in my mind in the form of images were those small babies and peoples screaming and crying in that physical pain. some weeks ago i saw a video titled “ancient brutal torturing methods” it made me even more triggering and my condition became even worse. i also gets triggered and become depressed and sad when not only think about physical pain instead, when i hear or saw other physical problems too like Vomiting,dying without getting oxygen etc etc…! i gets triggered whenever i hear or saw some words like “unbearable pain” or “unimaginable pain”.I feel sad and depressed whenever I think about the person who has experienced the biggest amount of physical pain in this world. I also get scared when I think about these kinds of things
If there is anything in this universe worse than physical pain,I feel anxious and depressed when I think about it.
These kinds of thoughts are unacceptable and unbearable for me.
I want to get treatment but I don’t wanna take any kind of medication. I hate that and I will never take that. no matter what ! . Anyway now I start feeling ”HOPELESS”.
I feel like there would be no treatments that will work for me. there will be no solution for my problem. I feel like therapists are bad. Forms of therapy are useless. my mind started saying something like “There will be solutions to only some problems, not for all”. I am really losing hope now. Now what will I do? Will there be any solution?
I’m really not sure what to say, Winer — maybe self-therapy? That’s all that ever worked for me. I have a lot on this website about it and also on my youtube channel, including a playlist ( https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL ). I’m wishing you the best, Daniel
Hello, I need urgent help. I took invenga sustenna for 6 months and it has destroyed my life, it took away all my dopamine and now I can’t sleep. Without sleeping I might get a heart attack or a seizure soon. My psychiatrist says it can’t be invenga but prior to get the injections I was fine and sleeping well. They should have never given me those injections. Can you help me?
Nina — well, Invega is an antipsychotic and lots of people coming off antipsychotics experience insomnia. If you google “Invega withdrawal side effects” you’ll see insomnia there, so I don’t know what your psychiatrist is talking about. It’s also possible you came off too fast. I’d recommend checking out the Withdrawal Project: http://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org
They might be able to be useful to you. Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi daniel, I have 11 questions about psychotherapy and so on… Please answer in detail each question wise if possible.
1: I often heard that many people say that therapy and meds don’t work. So what shall those people do?
2: Is there any evidence that Therapy ever does much for anyone ?
3: I heard that Therapy and psychology just gives a “positive effect” for people and it doesn’t solve any problem. Is that true? 4: psychology/therapy isn’t focused on diagnosing mental problems so that they can be solved. just talking about one’s daily life and the problems they experience on a day to day basis endlessly…!
one guy commented that ”it just enables people to have emotional issues by putting them under a magnifying glass without fixing them”..like ”talk therapy” where someone talks about their problems and the therapist mainly listens without helping figure the person out from any problem. So is it all true?
5: Most therapists have no idea what it is like to go through hardcore problems and to live a life full of pain and suffering and thus they cannot possibly even begin to help people. Is this true?
6: Are the effects of medication or therapy permanent? and why?
7: One article said that for some people some therapy can make things even worse. So what do they do?
8: If therapy is very effective then when is medication prescribed?
9: Do therapists ever felt like they don’t have a solution for someone’s problem? If yes, what to do in this case?
10: I watched your video ”why i quit being a therapist”. so as our mental health industry is so broken, it means therapists and forms of therapy are bad and useless?
11: Finally, how can we find a good therapist?
Hi AV,
I’ll answer your questions as best I can (briefly), but I also want you to know that I’ve answered a lot of these questions in my videos.
Here are two playlists of my videos that should be very helpful to you, or at least some of the videos on the list should be helpful:
a playlist about psychotherapy — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0Fi32LbXHA&list=PLRHLaIzKomTiyUtDGwvzc9YjcM3K9sdMG The first video in the playlist is the one you mentioned, so you can skip that one.
A playlist about doing self-therapy — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c95sfyv-M8M&list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL
And also a video of mine that goes into detail critiquing psychotherapy: https://youtu.be/G2-p4A7Bl6s
So now I’ll answer your specific questions briefly.
1: I often heard that many people say that therapy and meds don’t work. So what shall those people do?
My answer: Well, I think in terms of effecting permanent change in people, and in their outlook to life, and their personalities, medications never work. They sometimes help people cope a little better for a while, and sometimes a long while, but often have terrible side effects even in the people they “help.” Good therapy, on the other hand, can work to effect permanent change, but it’s just very hard to find a good therapy. What worked for me is self therapy, and I provided my playlist on that above. I also have a self-therapy book for sale on this website under the book tab.
2: Is there any evidence that Therapy ever does much for anyone ?
My answer: Yes, there are quite a few studies showing how it helps people, even people with really serious problems including psychosis. I made films about the people in psychosis helped by therapy: http://wildtruth.net/films-recovery-schizophrenia/
3: I heard that Therapy and psychology just gives a “positive effect” for people and it doesn’t solve any problem. Is that true?
My answer: This can definitely be true of bad therapy. And bad therapy, unfortunately, is very common.
4: psychology/therapy isn’t focused on diagnosing mental problems so that they can be solved. just talking about one’s daily life and the problems they experience on a day to day basis endlessly…!
one guy commented that ”it just enables people to have emotional issues by putting them under a magnifying glass without fixing them”..like ”talk therapy” where someone talks about their problems and the therapist mainly listens without helping figure the person out from any problem. So is it all true?
My answer: again, this can DEFINITELY be true of bad therapy, which is very common.
5: Most therapists have no idea what it is like to go through hardcore problems and to live a life full of pain and suffering and thus they cannot possibly even begin to help people. Is this true?
My answer: This is true of many therapists who have very little real life experience of their own. There are many of these therapists out there. There are also therapists who have suffered terribly in their life and are miserable people but have NOT learned to solve any of their own problems. These are therapists who are to be avoided. They have the experience of misery but not the experience of the solution. And there are many different varieties of solution, not just one.
6: Are the effects of medication or therapy permanent? and why?
My answer: I think this is just a rephrasing of questions 1, 2, and 3. But yes, the whole point of good therapy is that its effect is permanent — the person grows and changes and learns how to better deal with life’s problems. But also medications effects can sometimes, very depressingly, be VERY permanent— sometimes the NEGATIVE SIDE EFFECTS of medication are permanent. This is called neurological damage.
7: One article said that for some people some therapy can make things even worse. So what do they do?
My answer: Yes, sometimes therapy can makes things worse for people. I recommend self-therapy, or maybe trying to find a better therapist.
8: If therapy is very effective then when is medication prescribed?
My answer: Therapists and psychiatrists recommend medication when they have no other idea how to help people grow and change. When I was a therapist I myself never recommended medication. The dangers are too great and the act of recommending is a sign of failure of the mental health professional.
9: Do therapists ever felt like they don’t have a solution for someone’s problem? If yes, what to do in this case?
My answer: Yes, for sure this happens all the time, even with good therapists. They then either can keep trying to help the person, or they can try to recommend another therapist — or perhaps some completely different thing. Also, sometimes people are very stuck and are unable to implement changes in their lives. This requires more creativity on the part of the therapist.
10: I watched your video ”why i quit being a therapist”. so as our mental health industry is so broken, it means therapists and forms of therapy are bad and useless?
My answer: I would say most therapists are bad and useless, yes. And the mental health system is terribly flawed.
11: Finally, how can we find a good therapist?
My answer: That can be a real challenge. I never found one for myself, and I think I’ve tried maybe four or five therapists myself. But ultimately I think the best therapist for each of us is OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL SELF. That’s why I like self-therapy. However, I did make a video on 12 ways to find out if our therapist is good or not: https://youtu.be/xz3rsX63epE
I hope this helps a bit!
Daniel
Daniel, Thank you so much for your detailed explanation. it helped me a lot. Also thank you very much for fast reply.
Hello daniel, i was having some questions. so how i write them to you? can you please provide your email id?
Hi AV,
Maybe you could share your questions here? Your name is anonymous so no one would know who you are, myself included. And then others might also benefit from seeing your questions and my answers.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel