[Written around 2004.]
People who are not fully enlightened have sex because they are on a misplaced search for the nurturance that only deep emotional healing provides. They may dress their motives for sex with societally acceptable terms such as “pleasure” and “biological drive” and “experimentation” and “need for release” and “love of intimacy” and even “recreation” and “physical exercise,” but no one who ventures deeply below the emotional surface is fooled long by these façades. Healing is the deepest human hope, and in sex we cannot help but fantasize its possibility.
But sex doesn’t heal anyone. Sex lacks the boundaries necessary for healing, and instead breeds the volatile and dangerous defense of projection. People project the potential healer onto their partners, who in turn project the same onto them. This may work for a time, but ultimately it causes more damage than it undoes. Sex is like tofu: it soaks up the flavor of whatever you cook it in. And if you cook with toxic ingredients, which everyone has percolating in their beings until you fully resolve your unconscious traumas of childhood, you’ll end up in a toxic stew of anti-healing.
A rare few – and no one I’ve ever heard of or met – are ready to fully handle the emotional side of sex. As the saying goes, “sex is simple, you’re not.” As long as people hold onto fantasies about who they are, and primarily who their parents are, they’re going to unconsciously want their partner to rescue them, and this can never happen. People must heal from within, and sex, even masturbation with the mildest of fantasies, is attempting healing from without.
So what then should people do with their sex drives? The only answer is that people must heal at their deepest core levels. They must become enlightened, through and through. Until they do they will have no choice but to act out through sex – act out unconscious childhood dramas of every variety. Their other option is to repress their sex drive, but this is equally as dangerous as acting out, because repressed drives act themselves out in other destructive ways.
But healing is hell. It’s much easier to act out – at least for a time. But acting out always catches up with the actor. Acting out is nothing more than a replication of unhealed childhood traumas – and a step toward death. Healing on the other hand expresses life. It is painful, it is heart-wrenching, and it is full of doubt. It is lonely, it is solitary, and it is tormenting. But it is honest. And it leads in the right direction. Although you have to sleep alone at night, at least you open the doors to the potential of having a real relationship with yourself.