Hey Daniel. I have come across a video, The two things that deeply psychologically change a person, this afternoon on YouTube. It was suggested to me because of algorithms of course. My "therapy" has been done alone, never any professional help with the exception of a brief sitting with a counselor because of domestic violence. I have cried nonstop. You have given me the first resource that I truly understand or feel checks most of the boxes in my life. I feel like I am forever apologizing for how I am, for being wrong, for hurting others and myself, and disappointing, for leaving, for running, for overreacting, or not reacting at all. My "symptoms" are and have always been all across the board, one extreme to another. I have always done this and for most of that time, I had no clue why and I was just stupid, ignorant of facts. I did not know how what was done to me and what happened to me and my family, what LIFELONG sad consequences were in store for me. I will be 51 years old in two days, I too was born in 1972. I have only begun to learn all of this cause-and-effect stuff deeply damaged me. My story, what I am about to tell you, I never said to anyone until I was in my mid 40's except to my best friend. She and I have been friends since we were 10 years old and I told her only "I was molested by my Papaw" with no other details. That is the extent of my sharing and acknowledging anything that had happened to me. When I was 7 years old my Dad come in after my Mom caught him cheating, he was on something and drinking. She was packing to go to Granny's. He started a fight, got a gun, and waved it around carelessly. My Mom had my 5 years old little sister in her arms, asleep. He shot my sister in the head and killed her. My sister was dead, my Dad went to prison and my Mom, well she survived the best she could. She worked two jobs to raise me and she was not emotionally available anymore. We never spoke of this again. From this point on, at 7 years old my Dad's Dad, my Papaw started molesting me. He did this until he died, I was 15 years old. The next things I am gonna tell you all happened before I turned 18 years old. Following the 8 years of being molested, my first boyfriend I had was that same year at 15, just turning 16. He hit me for the first time just before I turned 16, breaking my nose. He did this many times. I did and said nothing. He terrorized me once I did break from him after he kidnapped me. He and his cousin strangled me, puncturing three holes through my neck causing me to hemorrhage. Thinking I was dead they were planning to throw me out and leave the state. He broke into another car before this final incident and had a gun and two bullets for himself and me. He rigged my car to blow up in the courthouse parking lot that malfunctioned and did not burn me and my Momma. He drug me through a department store, and forced me to buy the shotgun shells he said he was gonna blow my brains out with. There is more but you get the point. This went on until I was 17, and he went to prison finally. Then at 18, I went to a party with my bf and I was raped. I never said anything again. I have been abused by most of the men I have been with. Looking back now, I can see how I created a "fake" Angie, She was in survival mode and everything was ok. I never spoke up or wanted to stand out, Never knew who I really was, and still don't, I can honestly say, even when I was little and this is often asked at school, I couldn't see the answer. What do you want to be when you grow up? I have never been able to see my future, where, or what I want to be. When I broke, I broke. My family doctor who tried for years and knew my life and knew the women in my family all of their lives, predicted what would happen in my late 30's or 40's. He told me I will not be able to "handle it" being my traumas without help. He nailed it. I wish I had believed him and trusted him enough to get some help in my late teens. I have major trust issues and in both extremes, I have issues with trust. I give trust and love easily and without caution and I shut it down and stay closed off. After 18 I have had some life-altering things happen that have messed with me majorly. Being short about one of those, at 42 a kid pulled in front of me and changed my life in a devastating manner that not only broke me physically but played a huge part in the breaking in my mind and life. I was internally decapitated, my head severed from my body, C1 & Odontiod shattered at the base of my skull, and my back broken in two places. The independence I held on to fiercely was gone in the blink of an eye, 97% of the people with my injury, die. 2% survive and are paralyzed, 1% survive and walk again. I am in that 1% and I am walking. Being told by NC State medical people "I would never be a contributing factor to society again" after "surviving" all I have, I started a downward spiral. You mentioned having a closed circle that you allow to see the real you. I have only done this for myself in the past five years. I have all but 100% isolated myself at this point. No one deserves to or should want to put up with my bs. I get that and I stop it now. Im sorry for rambeling on. I just want to say thank you for making me feel somewhat understood and not so crazy. I feel having both of you factors that deeply change someone happen at the same time for me and at a critical developmental young age, I have many more layers I am not looking forward to revealing but maybe I can do it. Your talk about trauma and when being continuously violated and not feeling noticed or heard affects a child is something I will be learning more about. This feels like what "split" that 7-year-old little girl that I was into the many I had to become. This gives me hope. I have resided my heart and mind. I will never be ok, this is just who I am. I can't be fixed and I will be alone. Leaving little room for hope but maybe I see a glimpse of some tonight. Thank you, Angie B.