Category Archives: humor / irony

Deconstructing Psychiatric Diagnoses

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Based on my past experience both as a therapist and client in the mental health field, I have learned that when therapists or psychiatrists give you the following diagnoses all too often here is what they really mean: 

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:  Your obsessive nature is thwarting my compulsion to reorganize your life.

Paranoid Personality Disorder:  The way I perceive you staring at me when I ask you extremely personal questions about the most painful experiences in your life really makes me uncomfortable. Continue reading →

32 Reasons Why The “Schizophrenogenic Mother” Concept Is Incorrect

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[Written in 2008.]

NOTE:  THIS IS A TONGUE-IN-CHEEK ESSAY…

“The schizophrenogenic mother” – a mother who creates schizophrenia in her child – is presently a hated, taboo topic in psychology because it blames mothers.  The only modern articles that refer to the concept anymore label it as incorrect and disproven.  But they invariably fail to say WHY it is incorrect.  So I have taken the liberty of doing it for them. 

[Note, with humor aside:  I actually strongly dislike the term “schizophrenogenic mother” because it lets fathers, who bear half the responsibility for child-rearing, off the hook.  Please keep this in mind as you’re reading this list!! Continue reading →

Children as Antidepressants: 17 Pros and 21 Cons

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[Written around 2008.]

Despite being dramatically over-prescribed, children have long been the most popular antidepressant on the market.  As a natural-born skeptic, I have undertaken a thorough study of the pros and cons of their antidepressant qualities, as follows, though I will leave the final analysis to you:

Pros:

1. Children are easy to procure, long-lasting, and you don’t need a prescription to get one

2. If you’re willing to raise them generically, they can be relatively inexpensive

3. They often work well in (sibling) combinations of two, three, four or more (though be careful of toxic interactions) Continue reading →

What Makes a Psychoanalyst? — A Dialogue Between Patient and Analyst

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[Written in 2008.]

(Note:  Although I am aware that this does not apply to all psychoanalysts, it sure does apply to a lot!)

Patient asks:  What’s the difference between a psychoanalyst and an average therapist?

Psychoanalyst replies:  I have studied the most modern, sophisticated theories of human dynamics, and thus have the tools to understand and unravel the motivating roots of human endeavor…

Translation:  Don’t you know that I spent seventy thousand dollars going to psychoanalytic training after I got my Ph.D.?  Do you deign to suggest that I wasted the money I struggled to earn spending thousands of hours not listening to mere mortals like you?! Continue reading →

How To Use 15 Different Defense Mechanisms To Avoid Reading This Website

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[Written around 2008.]

  1. Denial:  This is all completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with me.
  2. Projection:  Daniel Mackler is crazy, and I do not want to indulge in his sick point of view.
  3. Sublimation:  Why would I want to waste my time reading this junk; in fact, I just feel like going out, getting drunk, and having sex! Continue reading →

The Hypocrite’s Dictionary

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[Written in 2007.  Note added, 12/27/13:  This is a humorous, ironic essay.  It was written tongue-in-cheek.  Sorry I didn’t note that earlier.]

Hypocrites use entirely specialized definitions of words to obscure the truth – and to destroy those who champion it.  Since part of their hypocrisy is that they never fess up – even to themselves – about what their definitions really are, I have taken the liberty of doing it for them.

  • Addiction:  The problem a person is considered to have when his addiction is not acceptable to the norm.
  • Arrogance:  Suggesting to an insane person that you are less insane than he.
  • Blame:  Having the nerve to hold your traumatizers accountable for their actions.
  • Boundaries:  The invisible line surrounding a person’s insanity which you are somehow supposed to respect. Continue reading →

Ten Ways To Be A Vague (Psychology) Writer

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[Written in 2006.]

  1. Use big, complex, technical words. Making sure everyone knows just how smart you are is a great way to hide just how insecure you feel. And who knows, if you use ten or more huge and indecipherable words per page you might just be able to convince yourself!
  2. Beat around the bush. When an octopus is under attack he squirts black ink to throw off his predators, and when writers take forever to get to the point they’re doing the same. Camouflaged writing doesn’t get torn to shreds – but on the other hand no one important reads it. Continue reading →

Thirty-Four Reasons To Circumcise Your Beloved Newborn Baby Boy

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[Written in early 2007.  Note added, 12/27/13:  This is a humorous, ironic essay.  It was written tongue-in-cheek.  Sorry I didn’t note that earlier.]

  1. You give your son a gift by hardening him early on to life’s inevitable pain
  2. Circumcised boys never have to face teasing for having a filthy foreskin – and your bleeding, stunned, little infant will thank you for this later
  3. Moses and Jesus lived productive lives without foreskins – what, you think your kid is special? Continue reading →