Thirty-Four Reasons To Circumcise Your Beloved Newborn Baby Boy

[Written in early 2007.  Note added, 12/27/13:  This is a humorous, ironic essay.  It was written tongue-in-cheek.  Sorry I didn’t note that earlier.]

  1. You give your son a gift by hardening him early on to life’s inevitable pain
  2. Circumcised boys never have to face teasing for having a filthy foreskin – and your bleeding, stunned, little infant will thank you for this later
  3. Moses and Jesus lived productive lives without foreskins – what, you think your kid is special?
  4. Nazis hated circumcised penises, therefore circumcision must be a good thing
  5. If God intended males to keep their foreskins He never would have put the idea of circumcision into people’s minds
  6. Mommies secretly like the look of circumcised penises
  7. You’re a pervert for thinking about a boy’s penis so much – for Christ’s sake, just let the good doctor do his job
  8. It is uncomfortable and rude to say “no” to a doctor
  9. The ancient Greeks practiced circumcision, and everyone knows they had the greatest respect for little boys
  10. What, you think that a needy, sniveling, whining, ungrateful, hours-old brat has any right to experience bliss on his first day on earth?
  11. Ritual religious circumcisions are a great chance to bring family together for a grand celebration – and you’re a killjoy for thinking otherwise
  12. Circumcised men are less likely to spread the AIDS virus; but in all fairness, men whose entire penises are removed are even less likely to spread HIV
  13. Traumatized boys are easier to manage; they know who’s boss from the get-go
  14. Don’t stress, everyone knows that circumcised foreskins grow back in time
  15. I can give you a list of a hundred circumcised men who make six-figure incomes, which proves that circumcision is financially beneficial
  16. Adult human penises wreak a lot of damage on this earth, so causing an infant’s penis a little pain is a justified form of preemptive revenge
  17. The Dalai Lama said that we all choose the families into which we are born in order to work through the wrongs of our past lives, therefore baby boys born into pro-circumcision families are responsible for having chosen this karma for themselves
  18. You give your baby boy something he can obsess about in therapy later in his life
  19. Baby boys love having knife-wielding strangers fondle their genitals
  20. Since girls have to get their ears pierced it’s only fair that boys should get the tips of their penises cut off
  21. Botched circumcisions add variety and spice to life
  22. Uncircumcised penises get very dirty, which requires a lot of extra work for busy moms – which is why I’m all for clipping off babies’ ears and nostrils as well
  23. Nip the problem in the bud: there’s less cutting involved in circumcising a tiny baby boy than there is in circumcising an adult man
  24. Doing unto your sons what your parents did unto you helps maintain continuity between the generations
  25. The ideal would be to circumcise baby boys in the womb – before they’re even alive!
  26. Mere mortal, what right have you to question ancient religious texts that were handed down by God Himself
  27. Genitals are evil; the less of them the better
  28. Michelangelo’s David was circumcised, and he is the greatest work of art ever [1/31/2007: A credible (anonymous) reader who recently traveled to Florence emailed me that “David” is in fact uncircumcised. Therefore, I hereby apologize for having stated that David was “the greatest work of art ever,” as clearly he is not. I am deeply sorry for any harm or trauma I may have unknowingly caused readers. -Daniel Mackler, LCSW-R]
  29. Scientific PROOF: Some (flawed) studies show there to be a slight decrease in urinary tract infections among circumcised male babies (P.S. Be sure to read the commentary at the end of the study!)
  30. Since doctors vow to “do no harm,” circumcision cannot possibly be harmful
  31. It’s not like mutilation of a baby’s genitals is sexual abuse!
  32. He’ll forget it all anyway
  33. It takes a lot of hard work and practice to become a good circumciser, and you want to put a hard-working professional out of business?
  34. This discussion is irrelevant, because everyone knows that babies don’t feel pain

In conclusion, if your mind is still not made up, watch this short video of a routine hospital circumcision.  But be forewarned: it’s graphic and violent.  [3/30/13:  Hmm…the original linked video was removed — but I went to Youtube and within fifteen seconds found another similar video, but it made me sick so I had to stop it when I heard the baby screaming.  But it gets the point across loud and clear.]

14 thoughts on “Thirty-Four Reasons To Circumcise Your Beloved Newborn Baby Boy

  1. This entire article is a Straw Man argument. These are not the reasons circumcision is so popular. It’s cleaner, safer and an uncircumcised penis looks and is nasty. Cleary, more people agree with me than you, or you wouldn’t have written this childish and intellectually stunted article.

  2. I know it’s been a while. And that this post is a bit older.

    What I will never get:
    “He should match Daddy” – that’s not for the babies sake but the fathers so he don’t have to admit that he is the victim of genital mutilation. Because let’s face it: That is circumcision without medical necessity.

    And:

    People get told: “You don’t have to hurt your baby. You can keep him the way he is born”

    And the answer is not an immediate: “YAAAAY. I don’t have to hurt him? He is normal? Oh WONDERFUL. Thank you” but a kind of namecalling which is plain stupid. *shakes head*

  3. As a victim with no recourse primarily due to my age (retired) I have to wonder if I could sue the hospital over my extreme anger issues. I am enraged over the number (endless) of stories where parents who made it perfectly clear that there was to be NO circumcision including not signing any permission paperwork still took home a circimcised son. if that had been my child, I’d have burned the hospital to the ground. I wonder if they occassionally take out somebodies heart when they’re not done using it? Circumcision is NO less important – damned fools.

  4. I almost popped a blood vessel when I read this. Then I saw that it was a mockery.
    My brain has just cooled down from the (intentional) idiocy on this post.
    Good work, sir.

      • Btw – I think david was circumcised but he was cut the way they use to do it until they decided to permanently expose the glans. The original circumcision was just a sliver from the tip so men who were cut back then still had most of their foreskin and looked intact. They use to tie their foreskins forward with leather tethers during Greek games because exposing the glans was considered rude. Then some Jewish elders decided that they needed to cut off more to prevent them from doing that and looking like intact men. Thus the full foreskin amputation was born.

  5. I got the satire. Only thing is #9 is demonstrably false. The ancient Greeks and Romans NEVER practiced circumcision. That barbarity was practiced only by some scattered African and aboriginal tribes and a few cultures in the Middle East, notably the Jews, who imposed that practice on other religions/cultures.

    • bub–
      i just a did a little online research and it seems you are quite correct!! i have no idea why i wrote that about the ancient romans and greeks. thanks!!
      —daniel
      p.s. in the spirit of satire: now at least i can sleep well knowing the ancient greeks and romans really did treat their children horribly. i guess i had an over-inflated positive regard for their treatment of young boys.

  6. You are such an ignorant asshole. All you said was shit nonsense at all but what my favorite part was “genitals are evil the less of them the better” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

    People out there, don’t be stupid don’t cut your babies foreskin, that’s genital mutilation, it’s HIS foreskin not yours, a lot of circumcised guys wish they have a foreskin. An uncut penis is a lot more sensitive, give your child the right to have a future COMPLETE sexual experience he deserves it. If your kid wants to get rid of it fine, but let HIM take the decision as an adult.

    • it’s an ironic essay. if i were not being ironic i would agree with your assessment of me and of this essay. to be blunt, and not ironic: circumcision is torture.
      –daniel

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