Hello Everyone!
I am using this page to help me solve a problem I have had — that the number of comments on my website’s welcome page were making my website so slow to open! So I am moving all comments older than a few months old here. It’s probably not the best solution, but it’s better than avoiding the problem, which I have been for too long!
Warm greetings to everyone who’s reading this!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I hope you’re well.
What do you think about the struggle of refilling one’s energy every day? I mean the daily participation in society while also trying to stay alive inside one’s self. I found that I have to refill my mind and soul daily, which isn’t ideal, or I just shut down and go autopilot.
Such a good and resonating point. The difficulties of living in a world that is contrary to one’s own inner values is immense.
Hi Daniel I was wondering what your thoughts are about bpd being the new hysteria. I was diagnosed with bpd traits after getting out of an abusive relationship and I disagreed with the diagnosis and therapist refused to give me ptsd or cptsd. Then he said personally traits are different than the disorder which I believe is all the same. Why would a male therapist push so hard to make me have this diagnosis when it’s hurtful and full of stigma. Does he want to keep me hooked in the system? Cause I’m not sure why he won’t get rid of the diagnosis I’ve asked him. He works in a public health system in a hospital. He isn’t mean to me other wise unless he is insincere and actually doesn’t care. I’m very confused. What’s your thoughts on bpd as being the new hysteria and it’s mostly women after an abusive relationship and they want the woman to do behaviour therapy and punish her for the abuse and make her out as a liar.
Hi! thanks for your comment. I think you can make a good argument that bpd is the new hysteria. I also made a video critiquing the concept of borderline personality disorder, if you’re interested: Critique of Borderline Personality Disorder by a Former Psychotherapist
https://youtu.be/Pk8PRAKBEaQ
All the best,
Daniel
Your video is very good and I agree with what you said. I also think that bpd is given to female patients that male therapists are attracted to keep them as patients and to keep coming back and it’s a way for the patient to not be believed if the therapist wants to have sex with patient and it’s given in case the patient tells but most patients don’t telll.
Hi Daniel, I want to request you make a video on drug addiction, and the stigma attached to it. Further I have a question: are the modern rehabilitation center good to quit drugs?
When I interned in at a lower end rehab, I saw a mix of amazing healing and growth and total stuckness. Either way treating people with addiction like human beings that deserve respect and trust was so important. However, the facility itself did not fulfill that. It was often dirty with a very cheap and lazy cleaning service, boundary violating behavioral workers, overwhelmed therapists, a joke of “discharge planning”, the worst parts of AA, and in the middle of the ghetto with a liquor store 2 blocks away and a trap house even closer. Once a client was discharged due to lack of insurance before I arrived and could say goodbye and in those 30 minutes they had already purchased. Society is not able to facilitate recovery, and society will infest itself into rehabs.
Daniel I want to thank you with all my heart. If it wasn’t for your videos I wouldn’t have caught on to what the mental health system really does to people. Most therapists really do just lie to gain a patient’s trust and act like they care so they can put them on meds or give them Behavior Therapy like dbt and cbt. So they fit into society’s norms. They will do whatever they can to break you down it’s sad cause you want to believe that they care and truth is most don’t. You are one of the truly caring therapists. I heard a quote and thought it is right on beware of therapists in fancy offices there loyal is to their landlord not you. The mental health system is designed to keep people hooked not to heal. With your videos you help people all around the world know the truth and your videos are right on about everything. You should should do a video warning about motivational interviewing or motivational enchantment therapy where the therapist agrees with the patient even if they don’t believe them to gain the patients trust and friendship to get the patient to take meds or do whatever the therapist wants it’s really sick. Why don’t they just be honest.
I like your comments. If therapists were honest the whole paradigm would fall apart. If one continues to connect the dots, one may find that it is ALL a lie and that is just too painful for the collective to absorb.
Hey Daniel, so today I was thinking about what it means to be adaptable in the world, and how that might relate or conflict with some of your ideas about the self. I work in construction shoveling, using power tools, etc. and I sort of figure that in order to be adaptable and use my body and these tools with the proper form, I need to not have a strong commitment to being any one thing, and to me this might mean considering less of oneself and instead conforming to what the world asks of me. I’m curious what you think about this, and if you think a healthy self often considers itself, or rather just lets itself be in the world. I feel that what makes people stiff and rigid in their ways is a lack of fluidity and unhealthy ego, which I imagine comes from a lack of healing. I think being adaptable is greatly important for all things to survive, and I’m curious what you think it means to be adaptable in a world that can be somewhat sick. I’d love to hear any and all of your thoughts on the matter, because you’re a voice I consider when debating these things.
Hello! I have been reading the drama of the gifted child on your recommendation. Alice miller has talked alot about mourning for healing the inner child. What actually is mourning?
Hey Daniel,
I’m beginning to realise that for many abusive families, there could be a child that has all the abuse and acting out offloaded onto them, known as the scapegoat nowadays. But then, there may be another that is bred and groomed and spoiled and treated entirely differently to the abused child. But this is to allow the abusive parents to have an ATM of mirroring, therapy, justification and normalisation of their abuse of the other child, almost as some sort of totem of redemption for the abusive parents. It’s like because the parents know that the abuse they are acting out is heinous but they can’t help it and they’re in denial, they NEED to have another child which they can treat as an object of false redemption. This child is usually on the sidelines of abuse, and that chaotic environment along with profound neglect of this child’s true needs, can be enough to terrorise this child enough to behave, and feel extra grateful for the special treatment they get, and thus unbeknownst to them, grant these abusive parents “company”, “redemption” and “mirroring” and JUSTIFICATION for the awful things they’ve done to the other child. They also need this “mirror” child because they know the abused child, the scapegoat, is a lost cause; the scapegoat has been so terribly abused, and so relentlessly, that the scapegoat KNOWS how awful the parents are as human beings no matter how much they posture, and how beyond change or redemption the parents truly are – the scapegoat has eyes clear as water. Hence, the parents know the scapegoat child will refuse to meet the parents’ needs. Thus the spoiled “mirror” child becomes a vending machine of validation and needs for the parents, a “last resort”, that the parents wants to try “fix” themselves and the family with, “salvation” for these unconsciously guilty and lonely and paranoid and fucked up and lost parents, and this child has been so twisted and confused that they can even feel guilty and neglected from not being abused, yet knowing deep down something has wronged them. The parents may literally serve this child as if they are god, they will heed to their every command and every boundary, and this is convenient for the parents as this incapacitates the child from meeting their own needs, getting to know themselves, and becoming independent or a self from the parents.
What happens is this polarisation: a scapegoat child who is so terribly abused but retains a self and a sensibility of truth as clear as water, who the parents have given up and is relieved to eventually send away after abusing them for so long like a dishrag. But then the other child, this spoiled child, is a redemptive projected object, that helps them unconsciously absolve their guilt. But they can only coerce that out of this child by first terrorising this child with fear as they watch on the sidelines, but then also ply them with special treatment that they feel grateful for. However, this process literally warps the child’s mind, making them dependent, acclimated, and normalised to this abusive family and their dynamics. Because it is only in this twistedness that any child is even capable of justifying and mirroring and normalising to these fucked up parents such fucked up abusive dynamics at all. They associate control and safety and hyper-responsibility with these abusive dynamics, but they literally have no self, and are unaware others do. They idealise these parents to some extent (at least, far more than the scapegoat ever will). They become crippled and conveniently, the parents can use this deluded, pampered, spoiled, warped, conditionally loved half-creature of a person as their caregiver in their old age, while absolving the parents of all guilt of how truly fucked up and terrible and deserving of PUNISHMENT rather than CARE they as parents are. Especially since this child has needed to mirror and justify and normalise their shitty parents, they grow up to be just as shitty, because they think it’s okay and what normal “loving” parents do. And thus this cripples them even more, while they unconsciously have starved needs they are unaware of and thus never meeting by themselves in secret. It can be crippling even if they have a little sense of self and sense of victimhood remaining in them, because this causes them to go down with vicious mental illness, of them unconsciously being battered by truth but also vacillating violently with the lies they were groomed and bred to think of as truth growing up.
It’s like this “scapegoat” child was overtly abused, but as a result they know to more of an extent that it was abuse. They retain a self and a future livelihood as a result. But the second child received such opposite treatment, their MINDS and SELVES were invaded and robbed before they even knew it. It’s like the parents were acting out their process of compartmentalising their acting out selves and their well behaved selves onto their children. They literally can’t help acting out because they’re so disconnected, but they feel like they can only compartmentalise it by concentrating their abuse onto one child and then being totally polar opposite with the other child.
The spoiled deluded conditionally loved secretly neglected child may grow up to function either poorly or very well in the world, but either way, they have no self, their true needs have been unmet and starved this entire time, and they have no idea they’re acting out. I see this dynamic in my own family, but I’m beginning to realise that it is VERY common, and it can be in the more mildly abusive family systems, all the way to the most heinous cases that you see in the news. I mean, literally think of Harry Potter and Dudley! But then, also, the sexual abuse cases that crop up. These dynamics twist children’s minds, profoundly.
Have you observed this dynamic in the world too?
Thank you,
Mary
Oh and often, the spoiled child feels a sense of responsibility to save and idealise these beyond saving parents because that is literally what their parents are begging them for! Therapy, salvation, good treatment after their acting out! And so this child faces a psychologically messed up dilemma of seeing the wounded lost children of their parents, and how can you on a primal level turn away lost guilty children? Yet, in the bigger picture, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE PARENTS ARE FUCKING WITH THE MIND OF THIS ACTUAL CHILD FOR – for false redemption, to psychologically cripple this child and rob them of a self, and to normalise the abusive bigger picture!
Also… just realised… I think I’ve just figured out a HUGE part of why religious institutions are so fucked. Perhaps they were little children who were treated as totems of redemption in incredibly abusive households and now they’re replicating it.
Oh and often, the spoiled child feels a sense of responsibility to save and idealise these beyond saving parents because that is literally what their parents are begging them for! Therapy, salvation, good treatment after their acting out! And so this child faces a psychologically messed up dilemma of seeing the wounded lost children of their parents, and how can you on a primal level turn away lost guilty children? Yet, in the bigger picture, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE PARENTS ARE SCREWING WITH THE MIND OF THIS ACTUAL CHILD FOR – for false redemption, to psychologically cripple this child and rob them of a self, and to normalise the abusive bigger picture!
Hi Daniel
How do i know if im grieving or im just re experiencing trauma?
Thanks for your content
Hi P,
I would suggest journaling about this question to explore it better.
Daniel
Hi where can i get help for UC medical and mental therapy in nyc?
Hi RS. Sorry, I don’t have any suggestions about this…
Daniel
Are u able to eat a full diet? how did u survive this? I am struggling to let go of a stressful job and create a new life. Any suggestions? Please?
Yes, I presently am able to eat a full diet, and have been able to do so for the past 12 or 13 years. Suggestions? I’m not sure, all I know is what worked for me. A lot less stress! I’m wishing you the best, Daniel
Dear DM,
Can you please do a utube video on how you handled UC. I am really struggling as I feel that my life is over and i am trapped in a medical system which is keeping me imprisoned. I have a lot of pain and can only eat a handful of items. No one can help me and i fear the future. please. I can be reacher through my email as well. ty rs
Hello Rama,
Did you see this video of mine?
How I Healed from Ulcerative Colitis — A Public Service Announcement
https://youtu.be/P9brVhmWr2M
Daniel
Yes I saw your video many times. I am really suffering and losing faith. I wanted to travel and now this will never happen. the doctor is terrible and I have no support from family. I feel life is over and i fear the future.
pl tell me that the body heals if given the right conditions and time. i fell life is over for me and isolated. drugs dont seem to work.
Hi RS,
I know that given the right conditions and time my body did heal from ulcerative colitis. I hope the same is true for you too!
Daniel
Hi P,
The only way I found out the answer to this was my journaling about it a lot.
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
My question to you is that why your music is not on sound cloud app?
Hmm, I haven’t thought of it. Thanks for the idea. Daniel
Hi Daniel,
i listen to you from a little fisher town in Peru. Your videos and your existance makes helps me feel not alone i feel like you are my friend (i know its wierd bc you dont know me). i studied psychology (a teacher showed me your documentary since then i listen to you) and gone to a “therapy” with a lot of “professionals” from 5 to 18 years old i’ve been labeled with depresion, ocd and bpd. I have always felt weird and extrange since i was a child, like there was something very wrong in me.
During my career (and life) i disagreed with many things… I thought maybe i was just full of hate against psychologists (and society) but thanks to you I reasure myself that i was never wrong.
I was born in Lima and moved to Lobitos 3 years ago (when i splited from my mother) and have never been this happy… but im grieving so i have never been this miserable hahaha
Just wanted to thank you and let you know that you reach a lot of weird people in remote weird places of the world
Thanks Valu — gracias Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I recently watched several videos of Robert Sapolsky discussing determinism and free will. I’d like to know your thoughts on his views, especially regarding accountability and blame.
For many years, I felt quite deterministic. I would easily come up with reasons for my or any abusers’ behaviors, think that it was nobody’s fault, feel pain for the abuse victims, and feel helpless and trapped in this suffering life and suffering world. Then I came across your videos, in one of which you said that holding one’s abusers accountable, blaming them, and feeling anger towards them are important processes in healing. I’ve been working on those and still struggling to steadfastly side with the wounded child in me instead of the abusers. Then I encountered Robert Sapolsky’s arguments that counter all of that. His arguments seem to be strong. I feel ambivalent and exhausted.
I’d appreciate it if you could make a video on this.
Thank you!
Hi Daniel,
Could you please share your thoughts on BPD recovery and the DBT techniques of Dr. Linehan? I was diagnosed with PTSD, and have a similar background to yours, but also experience cycling depression every few weeks. I wonder whether it’s not a consequence of environment and poverty rather than a personality disorder. DBT seems to teach acceptance, which is great for people who can afford therapy, but if I accept my circumstances I won’t be able to buy groceries next week.
Hi Boo Radley,
Well, I did make a video critiquing borderline personality disorder: https://youtu.be/Pk8PRAKBEaQ
As for DBT, I really don’t know that much about it. I’ve heard both good and bad about it, but it never really called out to me…
Daniel
Hi daniel, have you ever considered making a criticism of selp help and personal development? because they obviously avoid talking about trauma and childhood history that determines the person’s adulthood, but rather they are highly optimistic about everything as if present is the only variable we should be looking for, the acontext mindset of selp help pisses me off, for the reason of their exploiting and ignoring the very thing we should have to understand, your content literally differs from them because youre not giving people grandiosity and an almost balance and psychologically sound thing of looking, understanding, and doing things
Hi Ralph,
Well, I certainly feel that if any self-help work doesn’t in some key way look at childhood history and childhood trauma, then it’s not going to be worth very much. I certainly wouldn’t support it!
Daniel
I would confidently say almost all of them are.
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you have any specific thoughts about artificial intelligence?
Hi Isaac,
Hmm…I’m really not sure. I have used Chat GPT from time to time and found it useful, but in a bigger sense I don’t have much of an opinion on AI. I’ll have to think about it!
all the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for answering my question.
I only bring it up because as I watched your video on what would happen if the human race decided to stop having children, especially when you begin to talk about the pain and consequences that would erupt if this happened, I started thinking about two of my favourite science fiction stories. ‘Detroit: Become Human’ a videogame developed by the studio Quantic Dream and ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ the novel by Phillip K Dick.
Now I don’t know if you are familiar with either of these stories, but If we are addicted to having children as you say, then people in this hypothetical world of no kids for 20 years would still find some way to have “children”. As you have said addicts often replace addictions with other milder addictions.
Firstly (discounting Sci-Fi) I believe that there would be a surge in the popularity of pet ownership as people would own multiple pets and become addicted to grooming and “raising” them as a substitute to having human children.
Secondly, if AI evolved far enough and we stopped having kids, I think people would come up with a way to artificially create a child as a substitute to the real thing. This is what these stories prophesy.
Humans have a desire to procreate, to pass on, to leave a legacy of some kind. Depending on how far AI is able to evolve, forget build a bear! People will be able to build a ‘child’ in a workshop and make it exactly as they desired.
With gratitude
Isaac
Hello Daniel,
I found your videos around a year ago and they have helped me a lot. I struggle with severe social anxiety and I can barely talk to people. I’ve been in therapy off and on, but I deal with an considerable amount of regret for missing out on doing things as a younger person. I come from a small town where there are virtually no clubs or groups to join. I am nearly 27 now and I have spent most of my life in my room. Is there anything you can recommend for dealing with regret about missing out on things?
Once again, thank you so much for your videos,
Brittany
Hi Brittany,
Greetings! Well, back in 2019 I did make a video on dealing with regrets: https://youtu.be/I2R4IIJ2KBs
It’s short and I haven’t watched it since I put it up, but maybe it will be useful to you — I hope!
All the best,
Daniel
Hey man
Just wanted to say thank you for recording videos and uploading them on youtube. Your kindness can this way reach many people who are in a dark place (like me) and provide them guidance. Just listening to your thoughts on psychology points me in the right direction and it’s good to have you as a role model that got out of difficult place.
Things you said about distancing from your family and people who hurt you made me realise I’m in very similar positiion myself. Also comments about realising and admiting to yourself that you’re not truly psychologicaĺy grown are a really great first step on a long journey to heal yourself.
I hope life treats you well and that your days are now full of joy and peace.
All the best
Peter
Thank you Peter!
Daniel
Hi, can you recommend valid books on the topic of psychology/psychiatry , or perhaps authors
Hi Beatrice,
Here are some: https://wildtruth.net/some-book-recommendations-psychology-and-more/
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel I was wondering about your thoughts on dbt treatment ? I was wondering what your thoughts on or opinions of the withdrawal of warmth technique were ? I’m curious about your opinion on this cause of the wide use of this method and the therapist withdrawal of warmth technique to a patient who is suicidal or has self harmed? maybe you could even do a video on this I think it’s abuse by a therapist. I would love to hear your opinion on this it makes me angry that therapists use such a thing on victims of trauma.
Hi Judy,
I don’t have a strong opinion on DBT, though what I do know I feel mixed about, as I’ve heard mixed things from people who have gone through it. Some said they liked it, others didn’t. I never heard of warmth technique, though…
I send you greetings-
Daniel
Thank you Daniel so much. I have one very important question for you. What do you think about a therapist lieing to there patients? How would you end therapy if your therapist lied to you and you caught them? I’m glad that there are honest therapist like you and I love your videos you really get us and that’s hard to find. my fav is the psychiatrist in 10 min it’s so true. I’m from Canada and I’ve shared your videos so much with friends and family
Erg — when therapists lie it isn’t a good thing!!! I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with them…
Daniel
It’s called met therapyy or motivational enhancement therapy when a therapist goes along with the client or lies to them about agreeing with them to stay in therapy it’s pre cbt or dbt. The withdrawal of warmth technique makes me puke it’s when a therapist gives love and affection when a client is good and takes it away when they are bad it’s abuse i dont know how these are allowed and used in hospital settings. If someone is honest with me and actually listenis to what is bothering me they wouldn’t need these therapies I caught on to and confronted the therapist about and he admitted to using them and his response was your smarter than I thought . maybe you could make a video warning clients to watch out for therapy techniques that will hurt them like the people that abused them. why do they want to keep people hooked in the system? Im 45 and just entered the system it’s horrible in Canada they take away people’s clothes and underwear and leave them in a gown for two weeks or locked them in a room for up to a month with no privacy and give them meds is the United States like this?
Hi, any good books on internet addiction, consequences and treatment?
None that I know of… Maybe others know of some…
Daniel
Dopamine Nation by Ann Lemke might be helpful. There’s a documentary about technology, but I can’t remember the name at the moment. Jaron Lanier may be another good resource. I believe he’s written at least one book and he has done many, many interviews on the impact of social media on people’s lives.
Hello Daniel, I could really use some advice. I’ve been having a tough time lately after opening up about my trauma too soon, which made my addiction go through the roof. I was forced into pursuing a medicine program. I want to switch my major to architecture, which is my real passion, but my family is making it really difficult for me. and I’m trying to keep up with everything since I’m working on applying to a university abroad. But now I’m feeling totally burned out.
Hi Ali,
I’m not sure what to say. I hope, though, that you are able to follow your dreams. Maybe others have suggestions here…
Daniel
Hi Daniel, what do you think of veganism? I think it’s one of things that would influence the choice of a therapist, the diet has a lot to do on how you treat the vulnerable ones.
Hi Daniel,
Just wanted to say thank you for putting your truth out into the world. I am very glad it somehow found me. It is really helping me to become a psychotherapist and get much deeper into self-healing a living a full life. When I see to come across in a theme in life I am working through, there always happens to be a video you have made on the subject that gives that validates my thoughts and pushes me forward just that extra bit.
Regards,
Jonathan
You’re welcome!!
Hi Daniel,
I just discovered your YouTube Channel, and I am loving so many of the videos on psychotherapy. I was wondering, do you have any referrals for psychotherapists livingand working in the state of New Jersey?
Hi John,
Unfortunately I don’t have such a referral. I used to be in the loop in this world, but nowadays I’m out of the loop…
I’m wishing you the best, though!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
In your video “What Does It Mean to be an Adult”, you say that the best way to be an adult is to be the emotionally mature adult who continues to heal their own traumas, rather than simulating a functioning member of society. You mentioned signifiers of a functioning member of society in society’s eyes include having a formal job, having a partner, getting married, having children, having a car, having a house, etc.
However, in your video “Parents Who Disinherit Their Children — An Analysis and some Personal Experience”, you consider it neither disrespectful nor unfair for parents to disinherit their children, if the children don’t “do anything to actually behave like an adult or participate in adulthood” or are “dysfunctional member[s] of society”.
These two messages seem conflicting to me. In the second video, you seem to say, especially given your tone, that children deserve their parents’ love and money, if they act “like an adult”, i.e., simulate a functioning member of society, even if they are not doing any healing work. This appears to suggest that displaying societal signs of adulthood is necessary, which conflicts with your messages in the first video. There, you seem to say that conforming to societal norms of being an adult is not only unnecessary but “sometimes just plain wrong” and that it is more important to do inner healing which would then enable oneself to function better but not necessarily in a way that conforms to societal norms.
I could have misunderstood your messages. By “do anything to actually behave like an adult or participate in adulthood” in the second video, do you mean doing inner healing work and taking care of oneself, or displaying signs of being an adult in the eyes of society, or either of both?
Thank you.
Hi B.,
I’m not sure what to say. I haven’t watched those videos in a long time and can’t remember what I specifically said. Perhaps there were some inconsistencies — or perhaps not?
I’ve leave it for others to assess….
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I’m very happy to have found you about a year ago on YouTube. You’re one of the few genuinely authentic people on the internet. Some time ago, I rediscovered the topic of MBTI, which you’re probably familiar with. It is considered pseudoscience within the realm of conventional psychology, even though psychology itself is sometimes considered a pseudoscience within the realm of conventional medical sciences. Still, I looked into it again and researched it, and it gave me an “aha” moment that helped me understand myself better than ever.
Funnily enough, even after analyzing my childhood trauma through the childhood traumas of my parents, this very thing helped me to accept and understand myself more than other psychological information I’ve learned. It also helped me understand and accept my spouse.
Since my earliest childhood I constantly feel like I don’t belong in any group I’ve tried to be a part of. I tested as an INFJ many times, and this type is characterized as introverted and intuitive to the point of not fitting into society and constantly having to pretend to be someone else just to be somewhat accepted. After everything I’ve read about this type, and analyzing myself using this new knowledge, I then started to implement this information to analyze other people. I think you might be another genuine INFJ. I thought you might be interested in this topic, especially the aspect of intuition vs. sensing.
Best regards,
Kate
Hi Kate,
I know very little about psychological testing, including the MBTI. A lot of people over the years have commented that I might be an INFJ, but somehow I was never much called to look so deeply into psychological testing, because perhaps I’ve had so many negative experiences with testing in the school system when I was younger… But that’s not to say the MBTI is not valid. Maybe it really holds a lot of value! I just don’t know.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
P.S. I did make a video on the subject of introversion vs. extroversion. Maybe you’ll find it relevant? https://youtu.be/elpanVfDQtg
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for sharing your insights with the world. Your videos have been a light in my life, helping me clarify my thoughts and heal from my traumas.
However, I recently came across several points in your earlier videos that I can’t stop thinking about. I wonder if you have had further thoughts on these subjects since posting those videos. Could you clarify and help me understand what you mean?
One point is that, in your video “What Do Children Owe Their Parents?”, you seemed to have said that parents give the gift of life to their children.
In my culture, and perhaps many cultures, a gift is never free and is always expected to be repaid to the gift giver in some way. So, if it were true that parents give the gift of life to their children, then why wouldn’t children owe their parents? That the gift/debt of life would be too great to ever be fully repaid by the children would not negate that the children owe their parents, if it were true that parents give the gift of life to their children, right?
But, how could life be a gift, if so many lives suffered and are suffering tremendously? For example, how is life a gift to children who suffer tremendously from physical illnesses and die before they could even begin to heal their traumas? How could life be a gift to children who were born in war zones and were horrified, tortured and murdered in wars? How is life a gift to non-human animals that are preyed upon, eaten alive, raped, sick, abandoned, ostracized, or tortured in the wild? Just because some people could be privileged enough to have certain biological, psychological, social, financial circumstances that allow them to live a life that they think is not too bad or even good, doesn’t mean that life itself is a gift, right?
I agree with everything else you said in the video, and I think every existing adult person has a responsibility to help the life, the mind and the body, that they’ve been forced into inhabiting to be the most healed and healthy that they can be with the circumstances that they are in.
But do you think that life is a gift and that parents give the gift of life to children by bringing them into existence? I’ve also seen a few comments against the beliefs that “life is a gift” and of “parents give the children the gift of life” in the comment section of your video “The Irrational Defenses of Bad Parents — And Sadly, They Are Common” and would really like to know your thoughts on this.
Thank you!
Hi B,
I have a few thoughts on what you wrote. You said: “In my culture, and perhaps many cultures, a gift is never free”
I think the gift of life — that is, a parent creating a child, is an absolutely free gift. The child owes the parent nothing. On the contrary, the parent owes the child a lot — many years of consistent nurturing.
And if the parents don’t or can’t give this nurturing in a consistent way for years (or decades), then they never should have created a life in the first place. They just weren’t ready — and that gift of life really can be a curse. The curse of a hellish existence-to-be…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I wrote a slightly longer comment, but during posting it was blocked and I was unable to recover the text.
More shortly, I have just seen your video “How Do I Get Out of an Impossible Situation,” and I have a friend who seems to be in one of those situations. However, due to intense trauma, with seemingly endless unconscious coping, and her proximity and dependence psychologically on her biggest abuser(s), she is unable maybe even to admit to herself how troubled her situation is, or if she gets to that, too hopeless, dismissive, or unwilling to even approach the possibility of liberation.
She can sometimes accept the process of “healing,” but may have a warped and belittled conception of what it is, its deeper power, with unfortunately such a traumatic upbringing with such troubled and abusive peers. There are things in her life she could be doing right now to help begin (like becoming more independent of her abusers), but she is unwilling or unable to really explore the subject. It is very troubling to see her in such a confused, helpless state, and to know that continually she may be squashed down by her overshadowing abuser, and also that the institutions that diagnosed and are “treating” her seem not to be helping her with overall direction in all of this.
It is considerably adding even to my own suffering/grief to be conscious of her “rolling back” to a more “dissociated” life. In some moments she desperately wants healing and can discuss it, but the next day whatever energy was there is simply not; she is back on “autopilot,” and sometimes totally rejects and distances it, saying things like “I feel fine, nothing’s wrong” (which may be due to pharmaceuticals or other drugs).
Do you have any thoughts or advice on offering support in the best way for a person in such a situation? I sense an incredibly strong and deep wish to help, but due to these various dynamics it’s difficult to find a right relationship to truly be a support which she is capable of accepting seriously.
It’s a busy world, and I appreciate you reading. If you can’t reply, or can only offer a short acknowledgement, that is fine. I appreciate any consideration of this. If you’d like to reply by email, for more privacy and depth, that is your choice and I hope you can see my address. I deeply appreciate your energy and outlook on things, and I am soberly curious what you would think of this situation.
There are more details not possible to convey here, if they will inform a response you want to make. You are a light to the world, thank you for doing what you do.
Serendipity wished for all,
Levi
HI Daniel,
I hope you are well.
I have recently discovered that I was my families scapegoat. I was wondering how much it would take for me to get over it. I was doing my best with counselling yet the local authorities got involved with them and put into horrible situations that I’m still recovering from.
If you would help me that would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards,
Joanne.
Hi Daniel,
I’m sensing that some therapists coddle their clients. I understand that we need to meet people where they are. At some point, though, gentle nudging helps. If I can be more specific, people who grew up coddled seem to coddle their clients. I am only basing this on the few therapists I know, and the limited things they mention about their practice. What training do therapists receive to ensure that their own limitations don’t get in the way of their clients’ healing?
hei daniel, could you a critique of Quantum Psychology? thank you and good night (19:40, Italy)
Hi Beatrice,
I really don’t know much about it! But I could look into it…
Daniel
Great new video Daniel!
Hi Daniel,
Would you be able to a deep dive into neglect/abandonment and healing from it? I feel like those with original childhood wounds of more overt neglect and those with original childhood wounds of more overt exploitation live life very differently, stuck in different cycles. It’s like those who deeply fear neglect the most would rather be exploited or engage in mutually exploitation rather than be neglected, which has all kinds of implications on what it means to be even able to grow. Meanwhile, those who deeply fear exploitation the most would rather be neglected or mutually ‘neglectful’ rather than be exploited, which has other implications… and seems like a healthier route towards growth. And of course, people likely have a mix of both dynamics. Perhaps I’m constructing a false dichotomy but it feels interesting and right to explore things like this for me currently.
Thank you so much.
— Mary
For example, grieving neglect/abandonment wounds can be life giving, but I find for me that often it accompanies absolute terror, and weird overwhelming bouts of paranoia, catastrophisation, and hypochondria. All due to the realisation that I am by myself now, and any out of the blue disaster can wipe me off the face of the earth as no one is a safety net. Can neglect truly be healed on one’s own?
One last thing. Neglect is clearly a problem in this sick world, and it’s not even seen as a severe problem.
Look at all the waste we create. Is that not creating something, not using it to its full potential, and throwing it away so it can destroy the environment? And how callous are we with all our waste? Often, it’s not seen as much of a problem. So much food thrown away. So many things we painstakingly created all just to be thrown away, for not much of a reason at all, into giant towers of garbage in the middle of the Pacific. We treat the children we painstakingly harboured in our wombs the same – as objects to be used and discarded and then off to float away as garbage that poisons the environment. No wonder humanity, as you say, is a sociopath. We do all the things that create sociopaths.
Hi Mary,
Thanks for bringing this up. I have made at least one video on neglect already, but I haven’t watched it in a while so I can’t remember if it exactly touches any of the points you bring up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsxdfJfLEgQ
I’d be curious to know what you think. Meanwhile, thank you for the new ideas!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I watched the video and I find that I really do resonate with pretty much all of it. Something that really rung true was the part where you said those who are neglected often lack empathy for children and are unable to grieve. That used to be me. I’m still chipping away at it. Please read all of the below, if you have the time or interest, as data! Not anything else! I think it might be really useful data.
In a way, my brother and I are polar opposites for neglect and exploitation – I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty long-winding details of it all, but essentially, my brother naturally embodies everything you talk about (and he has never been interested in all this stuff that I am interested in, he has never heard of you). He is a gentle soul who is finally spreading his wings nowadays beyond the family, after being so criticised and exploited by an abusive father. He seeks respite in “neglect”, because he has been exploited so much, and he prayed as a kid to be an orphan with no fear or guilt (we talk a lot about this stuff with my initiation) – he psychologically protected and loved his inner child from the start, but he developed sensory issues and such since he needed to block out the world and turn inwards into his rich inner life.
I am the second child, the youngest. Essentially, my mother had me due to her guilt and shame around failing my brother – she “cried when she saw how lonely my brother was playing all by himself, spaced out.” As a baby I was promptly neglected and terrified and stressed out and on the sidelines of a chaotic family that revolved around either abusing (my unemployed depressed deadbeat father) or defending/supporting (my sole breadwinner BUT ALSO child rearer and housewife mother) my brother. In all my catatonic fear of neglect, all my life I have presented myself for different manners of exploitation, mutual exploitation as well, so that I can prove that people need me and thus can love me. I find SAFETY and WORTH and even intoxicating power trips in being exploited and exploiting my parents in all manners of ways, in stabilising the chaotic family as a result. My brother finds safety in being neglected. Because we ultimately had originally been subject to the opposite. It’s like we have fundamentally different ORIENTATIONS of life, infused and entrenched into our core beings as if it’s so default we think everybody else is the same as us and we have no idea others are different at this level. It’s strange. I’ve even said to him, very brutally honest, that I can’t help but see myself and other people as all potential “meatshields” to me, so it doesn’t matter how shitty they are, at least they are there. I said that in response to him saying that he thinks that all people are “cubbyholes” – people you can potentially hide in, but no one is as trustworthy as the “cubbyhole” that is yourself, so you can only trust and hide in yourself. He is directed towards a goal of safety in a place I find to be neglect, and I am directed towards a goal of safety in a place he finds to be mutual exploitation and forever just a game of conflicts and control. Which is true. I’ll explain below.
To put it simply, fearing neglect and thus normalising exploitation transmogrified me. Sure, I was proud to be therapist, parent, mediator, regulator, manipulator, protector. But this hypervigilance, this total attunement with adults’ darkest truest intentions and NEEDS, and thus being able to manipulate them, totally opposite of my brother’s emotionally slow shut down styles, screwed me up majorly. I learned of dominance, control, weird sexual boundaries, the power of weaponising the role of being a little girl against my father, rage, sexual paranoias, darkness, hypervigilant monitoring and subtle moderation of everyone around me, essentially I was incapable of play or innocence as a kid. I still am. I was just very dissociated, and I wanted to be, because I was just so neglected. My brother ran from the fray to safety. I ran into the fray to safety. I am his opposite, in many ways. We grew into who we were so differently because that was who we had to become to equilibrate, stabilise, the family dynamic, to survive. We were all playing our parts. In fact, in some ways, my brother’s relationship with me is symbiotic.
Because funnily enough, my mother had me also to be my brother’s protector and social companion. My mother thought he needed one because he was not very sensitive to others’ emotional and social cues as a kid, he had sensory issues, because he blocked out the scary world, especially potentially scary people. We had a symbiotic relationship because I was his emotional protector – my mother praised me to be a “spiritual talisman” to my pride/confusion as a little kid, which is so fucked up, but from this standpoint I get why, even though it’s fucked up. Yet simultaneously I was incapable of play, daydreaming, I was empty and had no inner world. I literally still cannot daydream or ‘play’ for real without anticipation for an audience/others’ perception of me. It’s not cognitively possible for me because I am too mired in games of faithlessness and exposure to adult helplessness and dreamlessness… and neglect. So I loved my brother for being the only one who made me the second main character of all his games and stories, and he was my only safe person, he was the vicarious innocence and play I longed for but couldn’t do for myself. He was safe because he feared exploitation so much he would rather neglect me and himself if it came down to it – so I knew, unlike my parents, that he would never exploit me, and I could also escape neglect with him. And I protected him by regulating and being the only one capable of emotionally disarming my father (by using my role as daughter and little girl), and was his social companion and his social aid, though I didn’t know it then, because I just loved the gentle safe light that was my brother so much and I was so neglected I needed someone too.
I do think there is hope for severely neglected children. There has to be. There has to be. One clue for me, is that, after a wild inversion of our family roles, wherein my brother for the first time ever was TEXTING ME during a mental breakdown of mine (I had broken down because I was again relaying something between him and my father, and it was getting so stressful when he too dismissed me to protect himself and I genuinely had my abandonment wounds flare up in the most awful ruptured out of the blue ways, but INSTEAD I told myself no abandon everyone, leave the home, let everything you have built burn and fall apart like it should have always needed to). He texted verbatim – “Mary our mental health is linked both ways, don’t make me cry pls, if ur gonna leave randomly u can tell me and say hey don’t tell dad. You realise you are inextricably linked to me, as little kids you were my only companion – so don’t do this shit to me. If you wanna talk, I can tell you about a time in my life – when I was 18 I went thru something similar.” It was me “acting out”, but that made me learn something about myself and the family dynamics that essentially arrived me at all my realisations now – that what I thought I was doing to win love I thought I was undeserving of, since I needed to compensate and contribute for being so “unabused” and on the sidelines unlike my brother, was actually exactly what my parents were using me for. They set me up! They were never capable of loving me, and they HAD NEVER LOVED ME, EVER, IN THE FIRST PLACE, for “not abusing me”. They set me up. They groomed me to exploit me.
I see now that it was actually my inherent goodness and love and gentleness and smarts being squeezed out and twisted, wrung out and used for the worse, which twisted ME over time, as it had essentially robbed me of all innocence and true childhood and play, ever since I was a baby. Of which I need to heal now. My god, looking back, I was so narcissistic and selfish and fake and needy, and I had no idea. Sometimes dread would push onto me as various things began to put pressure on and crack my false self… until now where it’s me trying with exertion to break it all down myself. But I think what really helped me was this baseline spark of health and love and self-compassion that somehow remained alive as a throughline of truth within my fucked up family of origin – I think it came from my mother’s constant open admission of guilt and truth – that sure, she twisted and weaponised against me, but also… really helped and saved my brother’s sanity, and taught us (though to a limited extent) what is truly right and what is truly wrong. Do I forgive her? Hell no. She destroyed me. I had been destroyed by her absolute callousness and inability to love me and total bulldozing over all my boundaries. We should’ve never had those parents at all. They should’ve never had children. But I see the healthy fundamental thing that saved me – which was truth, and it doesn’t matter who shared it first, truth was there to guide me, when I had hid from it for my entire life and hadn’t known I was doing so.
I think maybe I can try to learn from how my brother was when he was a kid. To not necessarily seek safety in desperate mutual exploitation of others as ‘meatshields’, but to seek safety in the most trustworthy little ‘cubbyhole’ that is myself, that hides away from others when necessary. To finally begin to grow, and experiment, and feel safe there, to play for the first time and grow my own joy and light again. To learn that this is NOT unsafe, and exploitation is actually NOT safe. Because I’ve never really learnt that, psychologically/emotionally. I’ve always felt compelled to present everything to the world, to the public, to my parents, to be seen and heard and thus not neglected, like a hopeful little kid that shows a drawing to their parents. It’s funny too, I have always had this vague audience I perform to in my inner monologue. Now I think I know why. I’m just a hopeful neglected little kid trying to show off her drawings, her thoughts and feelings, in her own head, preparing it and synthesising it and filtering it in ways that she hopes one day will be digestible and likeable in the real world so nobody will leave her. It’s both helpful and just not very helpful at all. Neglect runs deep, even in the most fundamental premises of my inner voice. Maybe one day I’ll be able to find a dynamic stable balance between neglect and exploitation. But one day at a time. And I’m learning from myself, my own intuition, but also from other people, my brother, you, learning different ideas. And I think that’s beautiful as well. So thank you, thank you for your empathy that is infused in all your ideas and videos. Thank you for being you and loving yourself and being yourself and protecting yourself, especially from people who might otherwise be exactly like me. I find that that’s actually really helpful too to the person who you are protecting yourself from, because they actually learn what is and isn’t okay, and you’re modelling how to love oneself and not betray oneself, which is exactly what many of us need. It makes me realise things, especially about what I too can take on for myself to love myself better. A determined decision to not “save” people with neglect wounds is actually often the most empathetic, helpful thing you can do, because we need to learn how to be self-loving, self-reliant, and safe there, for which we directly learn from first off by realising that like you, it’s okay for us to no longer “save” people as well. So thank you. I’m sorry about the huge novel. I hope it gives you data though!
— Mary
Also – I think healing from neglect by learning to play and live and grow and hide and find safety within the small “cubbyhole” that is oneself, thus reversing what we originally found was dangerous/safe – will NATURALLY make one open up to people in more boundaried healthy ways. It will naturally make us seek better people to be friends with. It will naturally grow our independence, and appreciate the independence of others, and have good kind gentle friends! Opposite to what we knew before. But it’s all about removing and grieving all the obstructions to the psychological permission we give ourselves to just thrive in that “cubbyhole”. :)!!!!
And obviously I’m still working to get there – I still have paranoia and catastrophisation and all kinds of things when I grieve and really realise I’m on my own. But perhaps it’s a matter of balance? Of grieving, and then finally trying to feel safe in oneself, and thus seeing how the world and other people hold you in that vulnerability, which is that “external other/witness” which might be necessary. Perhaps healing is this slow vacillation between slowly feeling safer within oneself, and thus corresponding to that, slowly seeing the world at large in its real vulnerability mirroring you back and holding you. Because the more vulnerable you get, the more just in your day to day life, the special people you meet just out there with their radars on the same wavelength will agree to meet you at a more authentic level. This breaks the spikes of fears and limitations of just being by yourself against the chaos of the world, until it really feels safe to be back in oneself? I’m intellectualising right now. But maybe that’s really it. And it’s intuitive! So wait, it all makes sense now! Daniel, your ideas make sense. Of course they do.
Hey danial, I hope you’re doing okay. I like your album. My favorite one was how long can I deny my artistic side?
Keep being awesome
Thanks Rosie 🙂
Daniel
Hi,
I’m taking a class called Theories of Personality. We’re discussing observational learning proposed by Bandura. One of the questions we were asked is, “Where do our models begin and end”. Of course this got me thinking about self and individuality, which led me to think about you.
Do you think we have an essence or a self? Is the human experience just a shared collection of memories, ideas and beliefs? Is creativity just a recombination of these things? It feels like a double-edged sword. On one side we are relieved of the burden of individuality but on the other side it feels like a loss. Maybe it doesn’t even matter and i should just go back to distracting myself with something pleasant.
I’d be interested in knowing your thoughts and feelings on this, if you have time and care to share those.
I like your question and would like to hear Daniel’s point of view.. From my perspective it is both/and .
Hi Daniel,
Ever since i’ve started to study, and on occasion successfully grief, parts of my past, more and more bits and fragments of memories come up for me. i know this is expected but especially recently almost every day there are moments here and there where memory fragments “pop up”. many things remind me of past occasions or feelings. On the one hand it is nice to gain access to my memories but on the other i feel and almost worry that i’m living “too much in the past”. so many memory pieces, splinters and crumbs that i start to wonder if this will always be like that? or is it more the “novelty” for my core and consciousness of having my dam of dissociation slowly opening up the waters of my history?
is it normal?
Hello Daniel,
I hope you are doing well. I have a question about childhood trauma. But first, I would like to explain my situation a bit. I will have to cut this down unfortunately, it is pretty much my life story after all. So I am 19 and two and a half years I got really depressed. There was a straining event, but the depression was far too server, and I did not understand what was happening. This went on for half a year, and day by day it got worse and worse. It started as some very extreme mood swings, but after some time I was depressed the whole time. Some external factors made it worse, like final exams and bad treatment from the “friends” I had at the time. It got unbearable, and I was feeling that I was losing control and was going to die if I didn’t change anything, so I went to a psychiatrist and got put on meds. The meds were horrible, and I had every side effect, but it made me feel nothing so I had some peace. I still did not understand why I was feeling this way, until I talked with my mom, and she kind of reminded me that many bad things happened to me as a child. Leading up to that, it was completely blocked out of my mind, which is pretty crazy.
So now I knew what was happening, and also realized some time after that, that the meds would never solve the root of the problem. I started to really work on myself and thought a lot about me and my situation. I started to stop bad habits, like listening to sad music and being in self-pity and other bad stuff. I was also bullied at school and never was able to form any real friendships, and I also thought about that a lot. There was a lot of other stuff I did as well, but I’m afraid I cannot explain everything, as it would take too long. After one year of the depression, I realized that I was feeling better, more balanced and at peace. During that time the side effects of the meds were getting really bad, and I was in bad physical health, so I stopped taking them. After that, I was really happy. Even on the meds, I was feeling wonderful, but after a few months of that (I was still working on myself a lot) I realized that I never really worked through the problem of my childhood.
At that point, I decided to willingly confront my biggest problems, even though it meant that I was no longer going to feel so good and be so happy, because I was facing some serious stuff. That was almost a year ago now, and I am still on that path. Through dreams and other methods, I figured out a lot of problems that might stem from my childhood. For example, I struggle to form romantic relationships, because I don’t believe that someone would like me even if the signs are obvious. Or I do not like to be touched by my mother or anyone at all. I still have a lot of work to do, and it will take me my whole life I imagine, but I have a problem, and now FINALLY I would like to ask my question 😀
I do not remember anything that happened to me. I know my father was an alcoholic and that I was abused emotionally and physically, but I do not remember the events. The way I tackled my school bullying situation, is that I thought of the key moments and how they influenced my person over the years. But I cannot remember anything from my childhood, and I was wondering if you knew any methods to gain access to these lost memories. I am trying it through lucid dreaming, but wasn’t successful yet, even though I know that I will be in the future. But are there better ways? Or should I even try to relive my traumas?
As I said, I left a lot out, but I hope this is enough to kind of understand where I am coming from. Thank you for reading! 🙂
R
Great Album!!! Can’t stop listening it. Thank You for sharing it for free.
You’re welcome! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I would just like to state some of my “wild truth” here.
I am a 21 y/o second-generation Indian in the US, born to highly traumatized Indian parents. I have decided to break up with them, when it is financially safe for me to do so.
I just want to say- thank you. From the bottom of my heart- thank you. I made this decision a year ago, during which I decided to stay on campus at my college for the first time during a holiday break. But I’ve been making this decision in iterations since high school. Watching your videos offered me so much catharsis because it offered me one of the only sources of confirmation of my beliefs that I’ve ever received. Since discovering your videos, my shaky desire to distance myself from them became an increasingly firm choice.
I have just ordered your book, after an extremely difficult day. But I started reading a preview online. Already, I see parallels between your story and mine.
What is most difficult for me currently are 2 things.
First, just like you described, I am also dealing with physical health issues which are largely inexplicable. I am 21 years old and I have chronic fatigue, and it is extremely debilitating. I have seen two doctors now whose guidance I haven’t emotionally or mentally connected with, and after reading what you wrote about your headaches I believe my fatigue may be a result of how tired I feel emotionally after having been traumatized and how I continue to be traumatized and have to act and lie to my parents in order to survive.
Secondly, I have little issue with running back to my parents emotionally, although that does come up when I am with them sometimes because I’m human and still very unhealed, but for three years now I have a habit of running to my ex who I broke up with and want to stay broken up with consciously. I simply do not have the emotional resources to be an independent person, at the moment. I do not know how to be a consistent, loving parent toward myself. Today, after contacting my ex and contacting another man I consciously want to be no contact with, I have become horrifyingly aware that this behavior of mine is me looking for a parent. And how to take care of myself, how to integrate triggering situations, how to be emotionally consistent and dependable for myself- I do not know.
But for today, I have found some respite in your words and work, and one thing is for sure: I am on the right path. I don’t know how much healing I’ll be able to do in a lifetime, but I will keep fighting for my life every day, because I am worth it.
I want to be a therapist as well, and I am a musician too. One thing that does eat at me is the feeling of using my parents currently for their money, but I have reasoned that it is not immoral. My parents are paying for my life willingly, and if one day they decide not to, I will live with the consequences. But for now, they are giving, and I am taking, till I don’t need to take anymore. No one would blame the wife of an abusive husband for taking her time to work toward getting out of the situation till it is safe to do so. She is a victim of abuse, and the regular rules of morality don’t apply. She is fighting for her life, and I am doing the same. Additionally, she would probably have more support from family, friends, and society, in order to help her leave. At the moment, I am saving money from a part time job, but I do not have a strong support network and leaving my family system would leave me with nowhere to go.
But I would love to hear if you have any thoughts on being financially tied to abusive parents as an adult, and the moral implications of this. I feel like I have not fully resolved this for myself.
Thank your reading- will sleep now. Much love. I am sure your book will be a pillar on my journey to come. You did the right thing, and I am doing it as well.
Hello Daniel. I was wondering: as someone who is skeptic all about what passes for technological “progress” vs “disruption”, and as someone almost the same age as you, (in other words someone who grew up mostly pre-digital), would your words have reached as far, or less far? Does your voice become yet another amongst the masses? Just another YouTuber? How would/could you have proceeded if said technologies were not available? Is it a double edged sword or does a double edged sword make both sides more dull? Thanks again for your work. It has reached someone, yet, given said technological capabilities, does that mean more, less, or nothing at all!?
Hi Daniel, just passing by to say thank you for all the effort on healing people’s traumas, i’ve wish you were my therapist you do a great work on authentically caring about people and their pain.
I recently saw your video on autism and childhood trauma and it made me consider the idea that the link between being labeled as autistic and childhood trauma is very real, i was diagnosed with autism but because i was desperetely looking for a diagnosis because i didn’t know what was happening to me, i lacked a lot of cognitive and social abilities througout my life, like not comprehending a text and having to read again and again and just understanding a very little part of the text, or lacking empathy sometimes not because i don’t feel the other’s emotions but not knowing how to help or identify those emotions, and making sense of it, but most of this lacking i resonate better with is the lack of abstract thinking, i was always bad at math, history, lecture comprehension, and problem solving by myself, always felt like in a deep limbo where i didn’t even knew how other children thought and resolved things by themselves, my question is, i got a little bit better at math and mental calculation by training, but i still struggle with reading and understanding texts, understanding people, reading spaces and so on, i realised that sometimes i understand things too literal like spiritual ideas, metaphors or analogies, and sometimes i can’t even figure out what they mean, also have some sort of disorganized thinking.
My question is, do you believe it is possible to develop this cognitive abilities by healing childhood trauma? i had issues in my childhood with my mom and of being neglect and abusive about my own capacities and making me feel like i was a useless human being, would it be possible that by healing trauma i can be a “normal” thinker and resolve problems by myself? I feel like i’m in a spiral right now and even wanting to kill myself because of this, i want to study psychology to become a really good at understanding and helping people heal their traumas like you, i care about people’s suffering, but i’m afraid that i will never be able to do that because of my “dissabilities”, even sometimes i think that i’m going crazy or something, i don’t know, just want to know what are your thoughts about this situation, if there is hope for me to be the person i want.
Sorry for my bad English,
Once again, i love and admire your work, you’re an angel on this world of suffering.
-Oscar
Hi Oscar,
Greetings! You asked: “Do you believe it is possible to develop this cognitive abilities by healing childhood trauma?” I would have to say yes. I think healing childhood trauma can, at least in some cases I’ve seen, free the up the mind in all sorts of ways, making it much easier for at least some people to learn things where they were otherwise blocked. So in that way I would have hope in your situation. All the best, Daniel
What is the title of that youtube Oscar?
Daniel is indeed precious.
Suggest you read “Nobody Nowhere” by Donna Williams.
Thank you David for your wisdom and your brave honesty. You are a joy to listen to, as you are so on the freakin track of deep inner healing!!! There have been a few on line folks that have really helped me make my way through my lifetime of nightmarish inner trauma, Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk, Professor Sam Vaknin and yourself. Go David go!!!! Patriciax
Thank you
Hi Daniel, I have been watching your YouTube video on self therapy lately, they are really helping me to regulate myself and make sense of the world around. In the videos, you have emphasized a lot on doing journaling, I tried doing it, but I don’t know why I found it very hard to journal, especially writing everday. Is there any alternative to journaling or any how one make journaling their habit?
I am not Daniel, however reading your comment compelled me to respond. Journaling is a habit that I developed about 15 years ago. It really was extremely difficult to get into it. Now I can’t really begin my day until I’ve done some journaling. Highly recommend slogging through the initial phase of resistance.
When writing is difficult use pictures. Get old magazines, calendars, advertisements and books. Cut pictures that speak to you and make a collage. Cut cereal boxes. They are sturdy and hold images well. Make a world of feelings and past experiences. Also make a new world. The new world can be of good experiences, good people and good things. The new world can have inspirational quotes. You can Google them. Then hold these two and contemplate on them. Do this repeatedly. Have many of them. Go out and take pictures of beautiful places, flowers, water, people, etc. to glue on your new world. Always hold both and observe until eventually your mind will pick the new world. Keep repeating. Healing is within you.
Hello Daniel. I just realised I can comment on the welcome page. I’m a big fan of many of your videos. I very much liked your most recent video about trusting oneself, and how that can even be frightening, seeing things for what they are.
Thank you Aris
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I’ve written here before. I’ve watched almost all your videos, read your blog posts and I haven’t found anything on:
-Comparing yourself to others. Is this a human condition or result of a childhood trauma? Would be an interesting topic
-Feelings of inadequacy/insecurities, always feeling like you’re not good enough in some areas of life/relationship. In my experience feelings of inadequacies can completely overwhelem me to a point where I can’t sleep and stop thinking about different scenarios. I think it steems from fear actually, fear of abandonment. Bc we were not good enough as children to be accepted we fear being not good enough and abandoned again.
Maybe these two topics are also somehow related, we feel insecure and not good enough because we compare to others. I’ve heared people say its human to compare yourself to others and that we all do it but I don’t buy it. Would love to get your thoughts on this.
With love, Jean
Thank you Jean, I appreciate the ideas and I will add them to my list of possible new videos to make!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
Something that i thought about recently that feels almost impossible to talk about with people and i don’t think you have ever made a video about it explicitly, though did touch it a bit throughout some. A lot of people get pets and mainly cats or dogs. i start to feel and think that the vast majority of people get or adopt\save pets purely out of boredom or loneliness or lack of meaning. Similar to a good portion of parents and their children but maybe a bit more widespread(?).
Like to the level that if i’m not exercising enough some people suggest “get a dog: which will make me to walk him. if i’m depressed then i’m suggested to adopt a cat or a dog “to love” which will give some meaning to my life. And then so many people, out of necessity, go to work and their pet is stuck alone in an apartment or a house. Barely anyone actually thinks about pets as a commitment to love and care for a living creature that needs nourishment and love. Also, many people enjoy the power and control over their pets. Easily seen when hearing people command over their pets or rage at them when something doesn’t go their way.
i think it’s quite noticeable how much people are devoid of meaning and connection with how cities are accommodating for especially dogs. other than pet stores and veterinarians (who mostly deal with pets), there are many dog parks to try and correct that most dogs need open spaces to run unleased which is usually not the reality on cities. Also people need to vaccinate and sometimes have a license for their pets, which i guess wasn’t as widespread when there were less people with pets. Not to even mention the need to castrate pets “for their own good” and that they’ll be calmer. Like sure, they do become less aggressive around other and in general and it’s irresponsible to have too many stray animals endangering the ecosystem balance. But this just shows how everything is screwed up from the source.
As a somewhat related personal example: my downstairs neighbor has a dog that almost the moment she (the neighbor) leaves. the dog starts barking continuously till she comes back. from around 9 AM to 5 PM. Other than suffering from the constant barking, it’s so obvious to me that the dog is lonely or has a separation anxiety and tries through the barking to communicate with other dogs in the vicinity. But when i talk to other people about the dog being neglected, only very few agree or listen instead of brushing it of as “normal” or “fine”. Which kinda makes sense since many people are pet owners and probably view their pets similarly, like glorified toys that should give love unconditionally regardless of treatment.
And that is just pets, that on many occasions are treated better than children by their parents (a bit from personal experience). i’ve known the phrase (maybe originally from you?) that “[as a child] being treated as a pet”, but for me this is even more screwed up. the fact that we as a society use a term for an animal that is almost ubiquitous with “a thing for amusement” truly gives us a mirror image of who we are. While i don’t think the relationship between humans and animals (such as cats and dogs) is purely exploitative and there is something honest and pure, it’s hard to say the exploitation is negligible.
Hello Mr.Mackler. I just watched your video on psychosis and childhood trauma on YouTube. My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now. My older brother has experienced 3 very traumatic episodes of psychosis since the pandemic and it has really beaten him down. He is currently on medication and like you said it numbs all his emotions, he is not the same. I remember a little after his first episode, he vaguely mentioned something from his childhood. I so very much want him to be happy, his joyful self again. Please, can you recommend a resource that we could use online with him. We live on a small island and we do not have much capable phycologists. He is also very reluctant to go to one. I worry about him every single day. He is my best friend. Is there anything we can use. Is your book about childhood trauma helpful? Is there anything thing else that you think with be interactive and get him to open up. I would sincerely appreciate your help and advice. Thank you so much for that video again. It was like a light bulb went off. Thank you.
Hi Fleurette,
Greetings! My self therapy book probably would not be a good fit, as it wasn’t intended for people who are in psychosis, unless a workbook like this was something he was really really interested in. However, have you watched my three movies on healing from psychosis without medication? Here’s a link to them and all sorts of different languages: https://wildtruth.net/films-recovery-schizophrenia/
I think this would probably be a much better place to start, and if he’s willing to watch them he might be able to take the ball from there.
Daniel
I ve discovered your channel few months ago I liked your perspective in various topic . Keep going wishing to see more topic on your channel thank you
Thank you!
Daniel, what’s your take on schizoid personality disorder?
Hi Daniel!
I just want to say your videos are so genuine and honest. I found your channel two weeks ago, and since then, I have watched a lot of them.
A big hug to you from Rio!
Obrigado Guilherme!
Daniel
Happy to know another brazilian is here!
Hey Daniel! I hope you’re well and safe. I wanted to get your take on something. I was talking to a spiritual person about their experience being in bliss. I found out that I was also in bliss when I grieved for the first time. I think what we had in common was a found unconditional love to the self.
My unconditional love was based on knowing how I was wronged and how everything I do is influenced by that. Something woke up in me and I took my side for the first time in my life. But talking to him I found out that my unconditional love was based on a foundation. A foundation that claimed to understand everything and draw back every mistake in my life to childhood trauma. And so that feeling of bliss, the freedom to do anything my authentic self wants disappeared when I couldn’t draw back some mistakes or during the process of healing and understanding. And alot of traumas resurfaced.
The spiritual person I was talking to unconditionally loves themselves just because it exists. They said things about being infinite and therefore the unconditional love would be truly unconditional. Which baffles me. I was in that state accidentally and it was really good.
However I did make mistakes in that state. I was rude sometimes. I was reckless. I was critical of everyone in my inner dialog. And I was scared it wouldn’t last sometimes. But I was free. I could feel me talking and thinking on my feet. And I could see through people in ways I couldn’t at all before.
So Was the freedom real? Will I feel it again if i did the work? Is spirituality a short-cut? Am I torturing myself to earn something that I already have?
Hi Rosie — good questions…but I don’t know if I have any answers here… this sounds like a great opportunity to journal to help figure it out! That is at least what I would do if it were me
Daniel
I gave up hope for living until I saw your video on bpd. My psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis after my 10th suicide attempt. I’ve been in the icu and went missing on several occasions where I lost hope and overdosed in the bush. I got taken to a hospital in Orillia, Ontario where I was given meds and told to take them and told to take dbt. I read up on dbt and don’t think it’s a good idea and will only make me worse. I’ve been prescribed 10 different medications from Zoloft, Ativan, tranadone and amibilfy I’m getting no better I’m hanging on by a tread and my psychiatrist doesn’t believe me. What can I do Iim scared I can’t hold on much longer.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinion Christian. I need to get back to the habit of journaling again.
Hi Daniel, I found your YT channel and, like a lot of people I imagine, I then proceeded to binge watched as many videos as I could.
I was going to write a comment on one of your videos but decided against it. I wanted to ask you your thoughts on the pandemic. Isn’t it a classic case of denial? In this case mass denial. Encouraged from above, I believe. Like the climate crisis, we collectively decided (or have been encouraged to decide) that it was just too inconvenient, that we are sooo over it. No one has yet been able to explain to me how C19 just went away. So now kids face a future of reduced life expectancy and chronic illness. A recission in Germany has just been attributed to loss of productivity due “record sickness rates.” Doesn’t the idea that denial is a maladaptive coping mechanism apply even to this? Maybe it is just too hard to talk about publicly now. I even have a feeling of guilt for raising this with you (just like I do when I raise it with my family, even though 9 times out of 10 I keep my mouth shut.) I find it very interesting and extremely depressing.
All the best
Jason
Hi Jason — greetings. And thanks for your comment. I’m not sure what to say about the pandemic, except I traveled a lot throughout it, and I saw that basically every country’s leaders handled it in different ways, some diametrically opposed to other leaders… That was a wake-up call for me…. Definitely how leaders in at least many of the cases were led by something that wasn’t truth…
Daniel
Well expressed, Jason.
Denial has become such an entrenched coping mechanism. Even with the pandemic. When the reality is presented it is ignored. Fear was the weapon that beat the masses into submission and blindness.
Hi daniel!
I’m here after watching most of your videos ig enough to get the basic ideology and goal. I know this isn’t typical to the kind of videos you make but it would really be of great help if you could make a video or anything of help on HOW TO DEAL WITH THE TRAUMA OF LOSING A PARENT(who was exceptionally good for their kid). A close friend of mine lost her very loving father who she considered her best friend recently and is still very vulnerable to things and the after math of his death. I want to help her resolve it before she puts a lids over it and pushes it down and later in life gets a “diagnosis” for it. It would be of great help.
Thank you! Love your work.
Thanks for the idea!!
-Daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for your videos. Really, really helpful. I love you!
I won’t tell you my story except to say that to give out this real info on trauma and healing from it is AMAZING and so genuine. I’ve never had a better therapist than you!!!
From a fellow musician,
God bless you! You are beautiful.
Antonia
Awww, thank you Antonia!
Daniel
Appreciate your web site. would appreciate more utube video and writings about chronic disease such as what you delt with. ty
Hi Daniel, I had never heard of you before, but had been searching for videos on Alice Miller. Her book, The Drama of the Gifted Child had been recommended to me by an old colleague. I think Judith Herman had mentioned her in Trauma and Recovery, and I believe that Gabor Mate mentioned her in his most recent book, The Myth of Normal. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I have been a social worker for over 30 years in NYS and have been a therapist for many years. It’s only in the last 10 years or so that I have really looked into early trauma. I have come to believe that the number of adults of all ages that are walking around very much affected by early trauma and have no idea of the connection with challenges in their lives is beyond anything we could imagine. I know that former Vice President Al Gore has called climate change an Inconvenient Truth, but I personally feel that early trauma for many many people walking this earth is also an Inconvenient Truth. A few years ago, I viewed Gabor Mate’s brief course on his approach, “Compassionate Inquiry” and part of it consisted of a multiple day training he did in Vancouver, BC. The number of people there and those selected to come up from the audience and talk to Gabor appeared more like a pilgrimage of trauma survivors rather than a training, and the pain in the audience was palpable. I watched your video where you related why you are no longer a psychotherapist, and I identified with every reason! I think it is likely the rare psychotherapist that does not agree and identify with your reasons, and this is the reason why one must have the passion to remain in the field despite the challenges that you mentioned. It is not a bad thing to have one’s passion leave them, as we are human and sometimes we change over time. We grow and our priorities sometimes change. Perhaps that was true for you. But, perhaps you have found a better way to reach out to others and provide a compassionate voice. As a fellow social worker, I just wanted to say thank you, wish you all the best, and hope to learn some things from you! Take Care! Bob
Thanks Bob!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was watching one of your videos about people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness but often purported to have good childhoods. It got me reflecting. I’ve been thinking on a lot of my childhood, and reading a lot of my previous journal entries. Oftentimes in those entries I would be at such a mental rock bottom, but still I would say something along the lines of “I am an awful awful monstrous person who is incapable of love, my family were on the whole good people who loved me in ways that I could not receive because of who I am blah blah blah”. Really self-harming mindset that I can now see comes from, actually, a whole torrent of abuse in my life. In your videos, you say that a lot of your clients would only begin to realise how rough their childhoods were when they really began to review things in like the tenth session of therapy. I just wanted to leave a message to say that I really do agree with your point that actually so much stuff is from trauma rather than “biology”, just from a lot of personal experience that I have documented through the timeline of how my perspective has changed in my journal entries. From the previous really self-hating, self-harming mindset I had been in for practically my entire life, my most recent journal entry is the following, which is now, when I am in a much healthier place mentally:
Why did I think I had a good childhood? It wasn’t because I was actually safe or happy. It was because I perceived my parents and siblings as better than me in character, which made me equate that to having a good childhood, despite their flaws. It was me thinking that since everyone is flawed in character, the fact that I perceived them to at least have fewer flaws than me (with my rock-bottom abused self-esteem) made me wrongly equate that to having a good childhood.
Meanwhile, I had used a lot of defences and psychological dissociative strategies to MAKE MYSELF constantly safe. So it did feel like I was safe most of the time. What I mistook was the causes of that safety. My parents weren’t the ones making me finally perceive my childhood as safe, I MYSELF was the one who made those conditions safe for me, through various compensatory strategies/adaptations, in response to my unsafe parents’ dynamics and environments, to the point where it was so automated and reflexive I had forgotten that my parents were the source of my original dangers. And to have these strategies/adaptations constantly in the background and normalised – it was only then that I was constantly safe, as long as I had those defences in place.
But the fact that I needed to use these strategies constantly…. Does not mean that my childhood was safe and good. I thought it was NORMAL to have these strategies to survive, I thought it was a rite of passage, because I was a child who didn’t know better, who didn’t have a frame of reference on others who could be safe without them.
But these strategies that kept me safe were also not healthy for me in so many other ways, preventing me from being real, dynamic and spontaneous in other aspects of my life. And often, it harmed me and others when they weren’t in use for protecting me from what they were originally an adaptation towards in an unsafe childhood. In fact, I identified so much with those adaptations/protective strategies, they were fully a part of my self-concept, my identity, what I thought my personality just naturally was like. These defences to me are still so difficult to let go of – currently it feels like if I do, the change of my sense of self, the person I present to the world, would be so jarring and unsettling I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I think it’s because if I let go of these defences I call a huge chunk of my personality, it would be like a whole dam breaking, and I fear I would drown in those waters known as deep uncertainty. Like, who am I? What habits and frameworks am I supposed to rely on now to feel safe? Am I allowed to just be who I am in every moment, no matter how different or dynamic, instead? Is it safe? Do I trust and love my self and independence and individuation enough to feel safe there? There will be this huge dam breaking moment if I let go of those past adaptations and “personality traits”, where now I need to actually be responsible for my life and self in every waking moment, and everything is up to me. It’s like the most gigantic step up in terms of responsibility and self-reliance, self-regulation. I think that’s why talking about childhood trauma is only really safe and accepted by people when it’s done incrementally. Like the more you uncover and process and no longer need to act according to those traumas, the more responsibility for yourself that you need to take on. That is most effective… maybe incrementally, so it doesn’t feel like all safety is just pulled from under your feet?
In your opinion, and perhaps from your observations from how your clients do in therapy, would you say that for some people this is the case? Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on stuff like this in the first place, it’s really helped me so much.
– Mary
Mary, normally I wouldn’t reply to a long description of one’s difficulties with becoming more conscious of the reality of one’s situation, however, you have explained the challenges involved so articulately and succinctly that I just had to let you know that your understanding of the problem with, the terror of, facing the truth of trauma and hence the denial of it is right on! The only place one can locate support, comes from within. One just has to trust it. Hope you continue to journal your heart out and perhaps , you might have memoir material.
Thank you and blessings!
From a stranger, thank you for sharing this. It hits exactly on what I’m struggling with and why I’ve been refusing to let some big issues drop with my parents and my freedom seems to be on a collision course with my “parents”. Who don’t feel like parents, but tormentors for what they put me through. By a stroke of luck, being re-traumatized by my parents in the last year or two jolted my mind to remember more childhood trauma and abuse on multiple levels from my parents. Me confronting this as an adult feels like I either free myself by going my own way and leave my family behind or continue the cycle by being in the same old toxic family system that refuses to change and see any wrongdoing because there’s always an excuse (we had it worse, it wasn’t that bad, you’re not remembering it right, that didn’t happen/I don’t remember).
Anyway, wanted to say thanks again, reading your post resonated with me on a level where I felt utterly alone in the world. All the best.
Hello Daniel, first of all Thank you for your beautiful existence, work, engagement, art and brilliant mind.
Second, do you know the works of dr James Davies like “Cracked: Why psychiatry is doing more harm than good?”
And third I would like to ask you if you agree with what I have written below:
The naming issue – importance of language Psychology vs. psychiatry.
List of medical specialties by nomenclature: endings: gr. -logía, eng. -logy “study of”: Audiology and Phoniatrics – fields of Otolaryngology
Allergology
Anesthesiology
Cardiology
Dermatology
Venereology
Endocrinology
Gastroenterology
Gynecology
Microbiology
Neonatology
Oncology
Nephrology
Neurology
Ophthalomology
Traumatology
Pharmacology
Pneumology
Radiology
Rheumatology
Urology
Proctology
Immunology
Podology and Podiatry
Endings: gr. -iatreia eng. -iatry “treatment”
Geriatrics – from Greek gēras ‘old age’ + iatros ‘doctor’, on the pattern of paediatric . There is a distinction between geriatrics and gerontology. Gerontology is the multidisciplinary study of the aging process, defined as the decline in organ function over time in the absence of injury, illness, environmental risks or behavioral risk factors. However, geriatrics is sometimes called medical gerontology.
Pediatrics – Greek words: παῖς (pais “child”) and ἰατρός (iatros “doctor, healer”).
Obstetrics – From a Medical Latin obstetricus (“belonging to a midwife”), from Latin obstētrīx (“midwife”). Field combined with Gynecology
Phoniatrics – Phoniatrics and audiology is one specialty within otolaryngology. Psychiatry
Podiatry and podology – here is the same problem as with psychology and psychiatry
Other endings and file names, e.g.: Surgery Emergency medicine Internal diseases, internal medicine Infectious diseases Orthopedics
QUESTIONS:
1. Why has the name ‘psychology’ not been adopted by medicine as the name of the field? Why was another name invented for the field that deals with topics of the psyche?
2. Why don’t we have ‘otolaryngiatry’, ‘endocrinoiatry’, ‘oncoiatrics’, ‘uroiatrics’ and so on? If we create the name ‘socioiatry’, will we create a branch of medicine dealing with the treatment of society? If we add “iatry” to geology, will we create the profession of an earth doctor?
3. What would happen if all psychology were transferred to the medical field? Is full medicalization of the psychic world the right move? I don’t think so, so…
4. For the logic of naming maybe we just transform psychiatry into a clinical psychology? Quote from Wikipedia: clinical psychology – a branch of applied psychology dealing with the prevention, diagnosis and therapy of mental and behavioral disorders, i.e. disturbances in the regulation of human relations with their environment. What about disturbances in the regulation of relations between the environment and the individual? Does this already belong to sociology, or maybe ‘sociatry’?
5. Why can’t a psychologist or a psychotherapist write a sick leave from work? Why can’t they have the ability to write a sick leave and I have to rely on the insight, judgment and will of a group of people I don’t trust?
The conclusions of Allen Frances – “the lead editor of the fourth edition of nt the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (universally known as the DSM-IV), the guy who wrote the book on mental illness, confessing that ‘these concepts are virtually impossible to define precisely with bright lines at the boundaries.’ ‘There is no definition of a mental disorder. It’s bullshit. I mean, you just can’t define it.’ Frances argued (in Gary Greenburg’s 2013 book about the DSM-5, The Book of Woe) that these labels are still crucial to treatment, and he warned, ‘If you puncture that noble lie, you’ll be doing a disservice to our patients . . . . A lot of false beliefs help people cope with life.’ Have Allen Frances just said that you can treat delusions with delusions? …
https://www.wired.com/2010/12/ff-dsmv/ https://www.madinamerica.com/2023/01/acknowledge-psychiatry-religion/
In summary my main ideas are:
1. Transforming psychiatry into clinical psychology
2. Meeting of whole world’s Psychological Associations with Psychiatric Associations and Patients Associations to conduct joint conversations about Mental World and Mental Health.
Thanks Agnus,
Appreciated! I like your ideas — thank you. Sorry I don’t have the energy to comment more. Also, I don’t know the work of James Davies…
Wishing you well!
Daniel
You can watch some of his investigations here.
https://youtu.be/-Nd40Uy6tbQ?si=Tw_xhO6MM7oPr11u
Essentially the first part is the most important. We must understand that all “science” behind the psychiatry is based on voting. That’s how we create law not science.
Hey Daniel,
I think of you as my role model, at times where I feel disconnected from myself and not really hearing much of myself, and so I hear you. You’re the one person I’m likely to trust in this world. Because of your authenticity and honesty and your beautiful soul.
I’m longing for freedom. Total freedom of the baggage that’s occupying my mind and body. When and how does it get better for you? I know healing isn’t linear. Is it at least exponential? How do I assess my progress, and is it going to be okay one day?
Hi R — thanks. Hmm…how long does it take to heal and feel more free??? I really do not know — it’s so different for everyone…. I still have my bad and painful days — both so many more good ones than bad ones. Really wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’ve been following your videos for a month and wanted to reach out. I’m currently facing a challenging situation where my family consistently tries to draw me back into a toxic environment. They often use guilt, citing reasons like my mother’s illness or my parents’ age, to persuade me to return. However, their lack of attention when I speak (preferring TV or alcohol) has led to a build-up of repressed anger on my part.
My so-called ‘friends’ aren’t supportive either. They simply advise me to forgive and return to my family, possibly because they’re in similar situations. Even my sister and her boyfriend make me feel guilty for not caring for our parents, who ironically expect me to parent them. They dismiss my concerns about our age difference, insisting I should take care of them regardless. I find this expectation unreasonable.
I am 26 years old, presently attending my second university where I am studying medicine, a field I didn’t choose and find traumatizing. The sight of blood and injuries often triggers panic attacks in me.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for 10 months and have lived alone for three years. My therapist is understanding and offers a certain level of support without judgment. However, I often feel like my progress is slower than I’d like. Despite making some advancements, I’m at a stage where I desire to live on my own terms. I frequently find myself self-critical for not moving fast enough, a sentiment I think stems from my father’s habitual criticism of me.
I’m also contemplating getting a dog for companionship. My tendency to isolate myself, stemming from a pattern of choosing abusive relationships and a lack of attraction to healthy individuals, is something I’m trying to address. I apologize for unloading all this here; I’m seeking a different perspective to better understand and manage these emotions, especially the anger I’ve repressed so far.
I’m wishing you the best, Ciprian. I hope you find my videos helpful. Perhaps there are some new ideas in them…
Daniel
you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to with family, school, career, anything in life. but from perspective seems like you need to find a way to process these feelings. sitting w them, journaling, somatic movement, etc. you’ll find a way that resonates. you deserve to feel free, show the love you need to yourself. my heart is with you ciprian
Hello Daniel,
What do you think of Antinatalism? This idea seems to be gaining popularity and seems to align somewhat with your worldview. Very curious your thoughts!
Thank you,
Buck Kirtland
Hi Buck,
Thanks for the question. My basic point of view is that most people aren’t fit to have children. I’ve made some videos about that and also written about it here on this website. However, I don’t want humanity to go extinct. I love my life and love humanity. I just don’t want to see more children traumatized, and I think there are too many people on this planet. My ideal is that people heal their childhood traumas and grieve, and the more they do this the more fit they become as parents. My goal personally is to parent/heal myself. What’s your point of view? Daniel
Interesting. Thanks for your reply. I know for me Antinatalism doesn’t sit quite right. Theres a kind of nihilistic tinge to it that I think has dark implications. I think we should value human life and I believe it is sacred. But then again I do feel tension here. Because there is a lot of trauma and suffering in the world. And trauma and suffering seems to be an inevitable part of existence. Given that this is the case why do you think life should continue?
Thank you,
Buck Kirtland
Hey Daniel,
when a new video comes up I feel great that you’re out there doing your thing. Your videos inspire and comfort me so much. Forever grateful.
Can you consider talking about objectification of self and others? More specifically, the idea of finding safety in having sexual energy floating in relationships. Flirting with everyone even in platonic relationships. Or finding oneself always in these situations.
It’s so subtle it goes unnoticed, or deliberately not mentioned, only felt. Mentioning it would be setting a boundary and it would often lead to blame and accusations. i think it relates to your videos on sexual abuse of sons by mothers. And it can be related to pretty privilege as well. Would love to hear if you have more to say about it.
Hi R,
Thanks for the idea. I’ll have to think about it.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I viiewed on of your recent videos on your experience of parental neglect and fighting.
You mentioned your parents’ contrasting personalities.
Do you ever think about what kind of alternative partners (if any at all) would’ve been better suited to your mother and father instead of having chosen each other and made their own and your lives so painful?
Hi Robert,
My parents weren’t suited to be in a relationship with anyone. They were too immature to be healthy partners. They needed to work on themselves…
Daniel
Hi Daniel
I know my mother was a narcissist but a covert narcissist, so there were many distortions of love. There were moments in my childhood where she seemed loving, how would I know these moments came from a manipulative and controlling place of a narcissist and not a heart centred, genuine loving space?
I get confused with whether she was actually genuinely loving at times..
Thank you for your work!
You’re welcome, Lydia!
Daniel
Hello,
First and foremost, Happy New Year! I have questions to ask you. As a former therapist, which influential figure in modern psychology has inspired you the most in your personal life and practice? Freud? Jung? Next, what is the meaning of dreams? For instance, a recurring dream I have is falling in love with a man which makes sense because I’m a gay man myself. What is the meaning of these reoccurring dreams? And, what is the psychology of the ‘law of attraction’? Can we truly train the mind (and the subconscious) to enact our deepest desires? Thanks! Love your work!
Hi Rudy — well, I would say Alice Miller influences me most in the psychology field. If you search for her on my website and my Youtube channel I say a lot about her — her strengths and weaknesses… I also write a lot about dreams on this website and talk about them on my Youtube channel too — if you search for dreams here or there you’ll find a lot about that! About your other questions…I’m not sure…
All the best — and thank you.
Daniel
Hey Daniel, just wanted to say your videos have helped me a lot lately. Thank you.
What are your thoughts on third culture kids/growing up abroad? When I was 6, my control-freak parent dragged me to another country to both get me away from family/friends and spite them. The cultural isolation, bullying I received and questionable parenting seriously messed me up. I’ve spent my adult life trying to reclaim myself and understand the child I really was.
I’ve met other people who have similarly been dragged all over the place by their parents due to their careers/whims and while it can broaden cultural horizons, I’ve seen it do a lot of harm to young minds. Do you have any thoughts?
Best wishes, Owen
Hi Owen,
Sadly, I’ve seen some people get really messed up by their parents removing them from their cultural or social milieu and dragging them around the world — kids always having to start over in new cultures and with new friendships…and sometimes fail pretty miserably to do so…
I’m wishing you the best!
Daniel
The past six months have been a really turbulent period, in an overall good way. I’m nearly 19 now and the past year is the first I have spent properly present, after repressing all my feelings due to a childhood of emotional neglect. Although a there is a lack of healthy adult role models in my family, your videos have been a tremendous help in the procress of making sense of my past and beginning my healing journey. Thank you so much for the work that you do. Your authenticity is admirable and I hope to one day reach such a point in life as well. Godspeed!
Thanks Veronica!
Daniel
My name is Kai, and I’m from Pakistan. My therapist diagnosed me with psychosis, delusional type. I believe I have it, but the therapist did not help me recover. During our sessions, it felt like she was trying to get rid of me. After the fifth session, she claimed I was healed, though I still don’t feel okay. What should I do?
Hi Kai,
I’m really not sure what to do. If possible I would avoid taking psychiatric medications, or if you are taking them and don’t like them and wish to quit be very sure to taper quite slowly. The best thing I think is finding safe and respectful people to talk with. Often that is not easy, but I think it is very helpful — whether they are therapists or not. All the best, Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I wanted to ask what your opinion was on leaving home at a young age. For all my life I’ve wanted to adventure and see the world but the way my life is heading I’m doubtful that things will work out. My parents are somewhat conservative and to them, it’s obligatory that I be religious, go to school, and provide for them until they pass. I have siblings that I’ve watched grow older and I know that they’re not happy with how they live. I wanted to take things slow but as the days go by I feel more and more discontent with my life. I’ve been thinking about just running away from home, I feel that the environment I’m in is making it harder for me to move forward. But I also have the fear that I’m not thinking straight and I might just be desperate.
Hi S,
I’m not sure how old is “a young age.” I think under 18 is too young, personally — certainly for most people. But I think once a person is of majority age it can be very healthy and eye-opening to have some life adventure away from home — often far from home. The main thing is that the person does it in a safe and intelligent manner — have some money saved, avoid drugs and alcohol while traveling, maybe travel with a friend, or make sure to make some friends along the way!
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I first came across your work in 2015 via your interviews with Jake of The Voluntary Life, and then I read Breaking With Your Parents, which was one of main influences to confront my parents and move through the individuation process towards my Authentic Self. Have also read many of Alice Miller’s books (joelbein.com/books). Very grateful for your courage, self-expression, and impact on my journey. 🙂
I just released a 3-part podcast series Questioning Your Parents (https://open.spotify.com/episode/32pXWbMHvRTbBUZXjNSwQJ?si=oG91GvMGQamtta5o_U0zJw) for my new podcast. I deeply desire to create a healthy and wholesome world for humans, from the inside out and bottom up. I would love to interview you on the podcast to talk about these topics that nearly no one else is talking about on the planet.
Are you interested?
Joel
Hi Joel,
Thanks for the offer!! However, I must admit that I don’t have the mental energy for it at the moment. I haven’t been giving any interviews lately. Maybe at some point in the future, but not right now…
Meanwhile, thank you also for your kind words —
and wishing you the best!
Daniel
I see, thank you Daniel. Perhaps I’ll plan to reach out in a year or two and see how you are doing. Or if you are ever feeling eager to do interviews again, feel free to reach out to me at my email address.
And you are welcome. Forever grateful for your courage.
Joel
Hi!
Sorry so many leave you lengthy confessionals, leverage your site to self-promote and have missed the message you left therapizing behind and now pursue things that fill your tank, not empty it. I was wondering if you have elaborated more on the benefits of celibacy somewhere? I recently re-read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson; who is running as a Dem for president again, and she discusses the detriments to the soul of sex without love in our lives. I agree. No words describe this other than a form of self-rape we do to ourselves in this hook-up culture in 2024. Are we returning to apes as a culture?
Hi Daniel,
I’m writing this to ask about the process of becoming more mature. I’m 19, and feel a lot like a kid. I’m still dependent on my father in some ways, and for a long time have been out of school and a job, spending a lot of time at home. I feel very afraid of people, and have trouble really openly interacting with anyone, and always feel suspicious or mistrusting. I feel like I always just let things happen to me, and let the important things in life fall away, when maybe there was more I could do, but I just don’t trust myself either, and really don’t value myself. Is becoming mature something that happens through action? I think it is, but I just feel so inadequate, I can’t even message my friends or get a job. I don’t want to strive for the wrong things in life, and I hate that I’m falling behind many of my peers, and I recognize that the things that come out of my mouth are so often underdeveloped and childish, and I don’t know how to change that because I can barely think without being overwhelmed, running away from my issues, and wasting another day. I hope this isn’t a misuse of this platform. I know I could think on and on about this, and I assume you would recommend taking small forward steps, but I don’t know what to do, or what to let guide me in this life, and unfortunately I’m very afraid.
Hi D.
Yes, I would say it’s probably a good idea to take things slow — to try some new things as best you can, and to except that it will feel at least somewhat uncomfortable.
Here’s a self-therapy playlist I made: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL
Maybe something in this will be useful to you?
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hey Daniel, i donated some money, watched many of your youtube videos, today i confronted my parents and it went better than expected, they are much older than me 70/73y and i’m 33y, my mom gave me no privacy and castrated me sexually, she still acts in a sexual way when i have a girlfriend.. i have had many addictions.. most damaging one is paying for sex, i still am in the grips of this escaping behavior.
Some things i left unsaid not because i was afraid but because i didn’t found a proper way to communicate, first time i saw my father cry.
Sometimes i feel i’m overreacting, i feel bad now for listening to you and that they didnt traumatize me and you brainwashed me!
But maybe its my stockholm syndrome talking.
Wish you the best.
Wishing you the best, Francisco!
And thank you for your donation. Much appreciated!
Daniel
Hi Daniel! I just discovered your YouTube videos a few weeks ago, and really feel you are a Friend out there in the world. What you are doing is of such value that I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’d like to offer you something, however small, in return: I like the way you employ the little riff at the end of each of your videos, and was reminded of John Sayles’ movie “Passion Fish.” Have you seen it? “Crumb” and “Rosetta,” among others, have passed through my mind watching your content as well.
To Freedom!
Hey danial,
Hope you’re doing well.
I’m in a bit of an intellectualizing pickle. What do you think about intellectualizing as a way to escape true grief and pain?
Someone like Alice Miller, for example. She knew all the facts. She still had major blind spots in her life.
I read in her book prisoners of childhood, the sentence “reduced to mere intellectual insights” and it kind of spoke to me. After going through an awful event were I felt deep shame. Still do. I lost me again. I feel the connection to myself is kind of weak now. It’s confusing and awful to fall into this intellectualizing trap like I use my knowledge of things like repetition compulsion to ease my shame instead of feeling it. Cause it’s unbearable. But I’m kind of lost in thoughts like a loop. And I feel kind of lost from myself and retraumatized.
Hi Daniel,
I would like to wish you a wonderful New year and a happy birthday month for your child of inner beauty.
You have made a very big difference in this past year of mine. Knowing a kindred soul is out there who questions things and is walking this path too makes it feel less lonely. Your books have guided me and your songs soothed me.
I am on the path to grieving my childhood, where it’s “hell to be honest” and quite lonely for a time. But a journey I would not foresake for anything. My inner child, my true self is worth reaching for, embracing and knowing.
I am glad 2023 led me to your work.
This year I journey onwards toward truth.
And I wish you all the best on your path.
Kindly,
Natasha
Hello Mr Mackler,
I have found many of your talks both helpful and informative. I am wondering, time and interest permitting, if you could touch on what I believe is a bias against single people?
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re well and in good health.
What’s your take on “love” or romance?
I got my heart broken few months back, it’s what sparked my healing path. Although i found hope and peace and understanding through the small achievements of my healing journey, I’m still heartbroken and confused.
The wound was refreshed when my ex contacted me and I acted out in a way that really humbled me on my healing journey. I saw myself losing it. I saw traumas coming to the surface and I was a wounded child again.
It left me feeling hopeless, shameful and despair. Things I haven’t felt in a while since I starting healing. I felt misery in my healing journey but a hopeful kind of misery. One that doesn’t make me think I’m forever doomed.
What do you make of people who dwell on past relationships and rejections?
Hi Daniel,
Sorry for the VERY long post – don’t feel the need to reply immediately if you’re still exhausted !
First of all I would like to thank you for everything you did. I’ve had problems in my childhood that required interventions from professionals yet it was due to this psychiatrist I visited as a kid that I wanted to become a psychologist (and later when I started university and realized what it actually was, a psychotherapist – currently
on my own healing path for 2 years with a wonderful woman and who helps me financially with a discount so I can afford the required numbers of self-therapy before I graduate and start the formal training process – Kleinian psychodynamics if you’re interested).
I’ve found your channel through a friend who soon after had a tragedy in his life – his younger brother committed suicide, and after a year once we meet with mutual friends he commanded a person with Borderline PD to attack me the whole time. He later confessed to those mutual friends he did this, after 3+ hours of tormenting by this person, where I did the “gray rock method” of simply dismissing and giving irrelevant answers in a fruitless effort to neutralize his aggression. I’ve seen through his tricks and somehow survived a person who could have killed me if I was alone with him and I’ve lost a friend in progress. I could only watch as he became a hardcore narcotics junkie.
Problem is, now the rest of the friends are friends no more. One of the mutual friends from the above occasion went from being a young man that played physical sports to a 12 hour a day gamer on the phone, even getting a fungal infection in the groin due to laziness to shower – the other is a anxious-avoidant that after 4+ years of therapy has still gone nowhere, and so on. When I approached the former for a talk regarding what I will discuss below – he gaslighted me and said I always looked for problems and had to invent them if they didn’t exist. A year ago he said he would be with me when the moment comes that I grow strong enough to face the truth of my adoption – and now, a year later, he said quite plainly that the worst is that they could have put me near a garbage can and left me alone for pickup. I didn’t even get angry because of the comment, but because he changed and I was left with no-one whom I could trust. This happened quite recently.
After 2 years of therapy , i was tormented with dreams about reuniting with my biological parents. My whole life my adopted parents (who adopted me when I was maybe around 6 months old?) never gave me enough of a secure connection – I could never go to kindergarten until I was 6 due to extreme protests and anger/sadness when put there, I’ve tried to obtain that love through being worthy in doing many side activities at the same time which resulted in stress and a need for counseling when I was 13,14 – even smashed my fist in the wall because my parents were never able to help me understand my feelings and deal with frustration in a healthy way. As a early teen I spent over 12’+ hours combined – 8 for school, 4+ for music school, and 2 for marksmanship training a day, all as therapy showed, in a vain effort to deserve love. Such stress reached this pinnacle where my right hand is to this day thicker than the left, I have a line between my eyebrows due to constant frowning and dissociation from that period , and I’ve played the role of a parent in romantic relationships – last one with anohter BPD it seems – and it’s been also 2 years or more, and still, I can’t let myself enter a relationship in fear that I haven’t grown enough nor can I find someone who isn’t insane around me. I’ve also started to value children and feel sorry for all these young ones who will suffer much more than we did due to their brain not even developing properly because of technology such as video games on smartphones. There’s stories and stories about abuse at school by classmates but that would digress too much from the point.
Since starting university and looking at the insanity around me, I’ve developed chronic bloat, problems with my guts and they are all psychically induced (this was said by a gastro-enterologist, no less). Regardless, I’ve pushed forward with psychology because I see my meaning in life as helping others and regardless of the following :
1. A different psychiatrist who drugged me so hard that I couldn’t think for 3 days nor move (bradipsychia and bradilalia, abulia)
2. A councelor before this excellent therapist who made me go to this person above
3. And the first psychiatrist I mentioned in the beginning (the one who inspired me to do what I will do soon) – who hysterically threatened to call the police in an irrational fit of rage because she couldn’t believe me I didn’t hear her when it was my time to come through the line – and I only calmly tried to have a conversation with her. She remembered who I was and terminated the contract immediately. Even her colleague whom I visit now said (without context of what happened) that this was unprofessional.
4. Now 2 best friends – the one with the fungus infection and another one I haven’t talked about not being there for me while I was always there for them in harsh times
5. A person who surly has Narcissistic PD who put 6 people against me in lies in a effort to kick me from a Student writer organization – now they realized their mistake and tried to contact me, in vain. How do I know he conspired against me ? By being nice to the girl with BPD, whom I would later try to help heal. 2 years later, she thanked me and realized what I did – while I’m still picking up the pieces from everything that you read here.
All feel like betrayals one after another and it’s only now, waiting for a response for my request to learn about my birth and my biological parents – that I feel more isolated than ever. outside of only my therapist (who coincidentally also couldn’t be there for me – I suspect her mother either died or was again in serous issues – I trust my therapist enough not to burden her when she’s not available and thankfully, it’s because of her that I could find out all of this I’m writing ) and perhaps one remaining friend, I’ve lost over 4 people, including my parents , whom I’ve considered close enough that I can be with at this anxious moment that’s been plaguing me my whole life. I learned about my adoption when I was 9 and since then it was a constant burden on my soul.
I understand this letter is all over the place, but I guess I can summarize it with the following :
1. When you can’t find healthy people no matter where you search, what do you do ? Keep those around who are there only for the good times or go totally in isolation ? They are all dissociated in this or that way and sometimes they put me down when I point to them that they are escaping their problems. My parents are a prime example – my dad even smiled when talking about the beatings his father did to him, on an occasion where our neighbor (and also godmother) talked about her child experiences and neglect. They were so dissociated from this valuable moment of her actually opening up it was like they ignored her ! Scary… Also, I gave up on trying to help them change a good year ago. The moment my father was disgustingly telling me ” is that what you’re studiying ?” when talking about the traumas I inherited from them and they from their parents, was when I stopped seeing myself as their child. Now I’m stuck between a child with no parents (mentally) and an adult who wants to have a healthy family and heal and find a healthy person to NOT do the same to his kids. This is also the moment I started realizing the world is really messed up, much in the vain you were talking about in your videos. The more I’m going through this journey, the more I agree with you.
2. Is there any source of comfort or energy I can find that can help me with this feeling of betrayal by literally everyone ? I’ve been distant to Christianity as of late, as after reading Bowlby, Einsworth , watching your videos and personal experience I believe the consequences of morality are objective but I don’t see the bad punished – instead , dissociation in this life is hell on earth. A life unfufilled and wasted and the reflection and realization of the fact upon the death bed would be true torture for me – so I try to not waste a single moment , and healing is the precursor to this.
3. I realize my perspective and feeling of betrayal is the one manifested because I was betrayed by my parents (probably both biological and adoptive). But what do I do outside of trying to understand my feelings and let the grieving process go ? I’ve tried to cry multiple times in my therapy sessoins and sometimes in bed trying to fall asleep I feel this emptiness and loneliness, isolation that has been plaguing me my whole life, but to no avail have I managed to truly let the tears flow. Haven’t felt like journaling helped much or at all for the last year as well – all I feel consciously is the same as when I write, no insight. I still want to be a therapist even after years of these struggles, yet I fear I might never truly heal and help others get rid of the shackles imposed by life. My therapist said it is posssible to heal without crying , though she of course said that crying can be incredibly healthy. I’m often on the verge of tears of shedding a single one, feeling the brunt of the pain, but not losing it. Not even with what happened below.
Just last night my mother tried to see why I was in a bad mood – and somehow it spiraled into me losing control and asking her why she didn’t do anything when my piano teacher threw the book full force into my 9 year old face and tried to smash my hands with the wooden cover that’s above the place where the hands are held, or the fact that I’ve never learned anything about sex from there and was a confused teen struggling to even accept myself as a sexual being. And every time I confronted them, the gaslighted me and couldn’t accept their mistakes. I’ve watched your videos after that yet again, and I wonder , after going cold on them this past year and a half, how I can detach from their presence even more. Due to financial reasons I’m stuck with them at home right now, with no “friends” in this city (University is in a different place). I didn’t even want her to hug me and I’ve become physically distant to my parents over time as well.
I apologize if this letter is too long and you’re too tired to answer – even that’s OK. I just once again want to say THANK YOU, because if it wasn’t for you, my healing process would have been much slower. You’re the guy I look up when it’s difficult in my healing process and you’re one of the last motivators I have to finish college and start working on my therapy classes.
P.S. I sent a couple of your vids to my therapist and she agreed with you on the points you mentioned.
Hope you have a wonderful day,
Filip
Hello Daniel,
Thank you for the excellent work you do. You have been instrumental in my beginning to unpack, process, and heal the trauma I experienced growing up from how neglected and abandoned emotionally I was by my parents. I was hoping to ask you about your path on getting a career in psychotherapy and some career/life advice. I recall hearing in one of your videos you had done some schooling or training after your undergraduate studies that was specifically for preparing you to be a psychotherapist. I can’t seem to remember what this specific program (or something or the other) was called and was wondering if you could share details on what it was, the requirements and qualifications, pricing, what it entailed, etc.
With regards to my situation and where I’d like to ask for some advice and perspective: I’m a 23 year old man living with my parents in New York. I graduated earlier this year with an honestly pretty “useless” interdisciplinary bachelor’s degree from a public university. I was invested in the topic when I was younger but after COVID shattered my world, my interests and priorities changed massively; and really I wasn’t the type of self-starter that could use that type of education to doggedly pursue my own goals. I’ve had mood issues since as young as 5, but from the start of high school and throughout all of college I was massively depressed and occasionally suicidal. I’ve tried therapy and medication a few times to no avail, and I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Anyways, I managed to limp over the finish line with a decent enough GPA (3.6/4.0) and a transcript with many a failed classes that were retaken and replaced with an “A” in a following semester. I have for a long time mentally resigned myself to doing either work that doesn’t require education (which even now, I’m not against) or doing some menial “office job”. But I’ve found I can barely get myself to send out applications to these “office jobs” or look for work in restaurants/retail. As to what’s keeping me complacent, I believe it’s a few things:
1) I currently work part-time for my father getting paid around minimum wage and have been for many years, and honestly, I love how simple the job is. Work is one place where my mood rarely drops, and it’s simple enough that I can listen to audiobooks and podcasts while working. I would have no qualms continuing to work for him (I will likely start working full-time and managing for him next year), but the issue is that my family is extremely religious, and I am both gay and an atheist (sorta, I have a complicated relationship with religion). Oops! I have been mentally blocking out for as long as possible that eventually I will have to stop living on autopilot and move out and separate from my family. I love my parents and family to an extent and have forgiven them in my heart quite a lot, but… 2) My brain can’t conceptualize the idea of eventually making that “clean break” with my family. 3) I don’t believe I’ve given myself permission to be excited about living my life. I’ve been thinking about this lack of “motivation” and really, it’s that for as long as I can remember, I’ve signed myself up for a life of quiet desperation and suffering, continuing a pattern since early childhood. I don’t want that anymore, my body and mind reject it against the wishes of my “rational” conscious mind, and my conscious mind is only beginning to realize this. As it stands, my parents want me to find a “professional job” and continue to live at home until I’m old enough to be married off to a girl of their choice. They aren’t very strict, and very hands-off, but this is the expectation before me. I can’t, won’t, and am unable to fulfill it, and I can’t even do the first part (finding gainful, independent employment) since I haven’t brought myself to plan a path of independence through work. I am trying to overcome this mental block.
I want to move out, and would be fine with living with a roommate. I wouldn’t mind one bit just being a manager of some restaurant, fast food, or retail store. I also wouldn’t mind working in the federal government. My current “dream” is improving my language skills in Japanese and working through some of the channels the Japanese government has for English-speaking professionals, and/or eventually beginning to work as some type of translator, or language support in the government, etc. But beyond what I wouldn’t “mind” or have currently in mind, I have great personal interest in classic literature, philosophy and spirituality (specifically Eastern philosophy and continental philosophy) and really, what the afflictions of Generation Z and all modern people are psychologically, ideologically, and spiritually.
I’m allowing myself to move my interest beyond flights of fancy and dedicate time, attention, and effort to these pursuits. I’ve begun reading and writing and studying more diligently, I’m shedding the idea of that “I can’t” or that “the institutions are irreparably failed” (though they certainly are) with regards to writing online publicly, sending out feelers into things like journalism, academia, or professional writing, even if external failure and disappointment are the rule. One thing that came to mind was potentially working as a therapist. I understand that the system is broken in a myriad of ways, but I have a sort of hope that I could do some real, real good for people alongside developing my intellectual capabilities and bringing that into my spaces of work as best I can and doing something which I love to do despite my social anxiety, which is learning about the lives of others and having meaningful conversation. If I were to pursue study/accreditation towards these ends, my parents would be glad to financially support me if I were serious about it and had a solid enough plan in mind.
On reflection, my shaky experience in school was all due to issues of procrastination with outside of the classroom writing work only. I am an excellent “studier”, test-taker, and presenter. Honestly, I’ve always been extremely adept at getting high marks or the top of the class on any written exam that wasn’t to be worked on in my own time, or any type of “proctored” exam at all since the beginning of high school. And with regards to work outside the classroom, for example, even if I’d hand in an essay 2-3 weeks late, I can’t recall ever receiving anything lower than an “A” in the past 8 years, and occasionally high praise from my teachers and professors personally, alongside the rare lamentation of how late the work was turned in.
This is a lot… but I really would appreciate your perspective on my situation very much. And I’m buying your book Breaking From Your Parents right now!
Thank you dearly,
AM
Hi Daniel,
Just listening to your critique on therapy. I tried therapy for the first time since my childhood (decades ago) this year. I have a history of anxiety and depression and was involuntarily committed about five years back for sharing thoughts of self harm on Facebook to elicit sympathy. The police surrounded my house and shouted with their guns drawn that they would kick down the door. I said I was calm, and I went cooperatively. The doctor at the hospital apologized and said he could tell I wasn’t a danger to myself but that he had already signed the commitment papers after reading the Facebook messages.
In the years since, my cousin who lived next door developed schizophrenia and threatened me many times, ultimately trying to kick my door in. After I moved they continue to harass me. I’ve become very reclusive and scared. So, when I found a therapist with a PhD offering a sliding scale, I was excited that they accepted my request for treatment. I had high hopes, and saw the therapist as much wiser and better than me. They diagnosed me with PTSD and told me I was fine aside from the stress and depression caused by the circumstances. I explained that certain subjects triggered me and warned that I sometimes lost my temper about that subject. They offered to try EMDR treatment and were a bit astonished when I expressed reluctancy, but I decided it would be safe and agreed to proceed.
I was meeting the therapist remotely every two weeks, and on the third week, I explained that I’d been very sad and anxious about my financial problems. I only had a few hundred dollars in my bank account. I mentioned that I’d been crying and felt hopeless. The therapist asked if I was suicidal. I adamantly denied that and stated clearly multiple times, “I have no thoughts of self harm”. The therapist then changed the subject back to my finances and brought up the subject I’d asked them to approach delicately. I lost my temper and ended the session. I later emailed to apologize and said that I’d be looking for another therapist. They emailed back that they wished me well, and I presumed things were fine.
I was awoken the next day by a frantic relative calling to ask if I was ok. My thoughts raced and I presumed there had been a tragedy in the family. They informed me that my therapist had called the police for a wellness check, and the police called them to check on me. Needless to say my faith in humanity was hit hard. I was physically sick for two days with stomach cramps. I still worry a lot about stepping outside. Now if another incident occurs with my cousin, I don’t know where to turn. But I am learning to trust myself and I guess the therapist helped teach me self sufficiency in a sort of backwards way. All’s well that ends well. It helps a lot to hear your story and know that there are good people in the world, and most of them aren’t therapists.
Hi Philemon–
Wow! Your story is a great warning for people. I appreciate you sharing it. I have heard so many similar stories over the years — and it’s important for people to know what you have shared. Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hey Daniel,
first of all, thank you so much for your work! Take these broken wings is so important, your videos often address things that I have been thinking about and your book breaking from your parents has helped me a lot over the years and made me feel less alone on my own journey without family (but with myself). I also enjoy your songs and essays and just wanted to say I value your contributions so so so much. Thank you!
There is a subject I have been thinking about and I wondered what you would say about it.
What are your thoughts on estranged family members meeting in family counseling for the sole purpose of having someone else hear about the abusive dynamic and reasons for No-Contact for some form of closure. While I wouldn’t recommend going when you are seeking validation from your parents or wish that they suddenly understand the abuse (it won’t happen), people online have reported that it felt like a great gift to themselves. They report how healing it was to have someone witness and understand and agree, that a relationship is not possible that way. They report, that it gave them some sort of closure. In these cases no contact had been established for many years and it was clear, that a relationship would not be possible.
What is your opinion, have you heard of cases where a meeting like this was beneficial? I can imagine that the type of counselor and also ones own expectations play a huge role in this. But I was just wondering, if you had any thoughts on this.
I hope you are well 🙂
Mariah
Hi Mariah,
Hmm — I wouldn’t recommend it in most cases, for two reasons:
1) I wouldn’t trust most therapists to really side with the child. Often they side with the parents, and that can be awful and dangerous! If they were a great and insightful therapist, it could be good, but I’d have to be really confident in the therapist first.
2) you wrote “While I wouldn’t recommend going when you are seeking validation from your parents…” — that’s the problem. I think at some level everyone still holds some of these feelings a little bit…especially a type of person who would consider going into therapy with their parents. If they didn’t have these feelings, them I’m guessing they probably wouldn’t need to have an outside witness like a therapist support them in their relationship with their parents…
Just thoughts…
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re doing wonderful.
This is the long story comment but I hope you
read it too.
I’m in a similar situation to when you were in college. It’s a stressful environment. I don’t have true friends yet. My radar is working on everybody. I feel loneliness and it’s me against the world.
My family system is really corrupt. I still have some of that in me some pain that is still controlling me.
I try to take care of myself but it’s really really hard sometimes when my brain is just stuck at pain or when i recognize things in my behavior that are from my traumatic past.
I’m scared for my sanity. My brother is “schizophrenic” and they fucked up with his brain with medications and i don’t know what else :(. I completely understand why he was acting the way he was.
Do you have any advice for me? How can I survive this phase?
Hi Rosie,
I’m not sure I have advice — my brain is fried right now! But I do wish you the best, great strength on your journey. And I do just want to add for you (and for anyone reading this) that things like that diagnosis of so-called “schizophrenia” are not genetic!! But whatever your brother went through in childhood must not have been good…. Again, I’m wishing you the best — on your healing journey!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
Thank you I appreciate you. Are you okay? I’m assuming you mean your brain is fried from answering many comments but I don’t think you should exhust yourself if that’s the case.
All good — just tired!
Daniel
Okay i see. Rest well! Wish you the best at what you’re doing.
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re doing wonderful.
Do you think it’s okay to say that all pain in life comes from childhood trauma?
It’s a very hopeful statement. Do you think it’s true?
Hi Rosie,
No, I think there is pain that can come from adulthood too — but I do think even that pain is usually experienced through the lens of unresolved childhood trauma, and often amplified by it…
Daniel
Hi Daniel, you are a breath of fresh air on psychology YouTube, so grateful for your openness and authenticity that is so rare to find in this world, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing yourself.
I’m kind of in a sticky place and would love to hear your thoughts. I’m trying to heal but accepting the harm done to me also means accepting the harm I’ve caused to others, which is proving almost impossible. I was treated like an emotionless object in childhood, so subconsciously that’s how I’ve treated myself and others. I know I’ve had a pattern of causing a great deal of serious harm to others, especially when black-out drunk (I guess this is because our subconscious beliefs take over? idk), many of whom I’m no-longer in contact with and who I don’t think would benefit from/want to hear an apology from me. They are good people who didn’t deserve any of it. Whenever I think about it I get intense guilt/shame pangs which cause me to continue the dissociation and self-neglect, as I’m struggling to simultaneously believe that I chose to do those things and am still deserving of embarking on a healing journey, as it just feels like I’m minimising the harm, and when I look at it in the context of my own trauma I just feel like I’m making excuses. Yet, I also know if I continue to not accept the reality of the situation somehow as well as practice self-love for the first time I’ll inevitably continue to be dissociated and therefore cause harm in one way or another.
Do you recommend trying to unpack our own trauma before facing the trauma we’ve caused to others to try to get understanding of where our undesirable behaviour comes from? Or is that just attempting to excuse the inexcusable?
Do you think there’s any way to begin to build a healthy self-image and become pro-social if we’ve already so badly breached our own moral guidelines? Especially when society labels you as an abuser, how can I see myself in a different light, or should I even?
I know it’s heavy but there doesn’t seem to be much help out there for people like me and I don’t know how to move forwards in getting my life on track.
Sorry for the length of the message, yet to find a decent, nonjudgmental therapist that would get to the root of my issues instead of just labelling me with a personality disorder, thanks again
Hi MH,
Greetings. You asked: “Do you recommend trying to unpack our own trauma before facing the trauma we’ve caused to others to try to get understanding of where our undesirable behaviour comes from?”
Sorry for my short answer (I’m exhausted at the moment), but I would say yes. I mean, perhaps some things you have done might need to be faced first, but ideally it’s best to at least have a good handle on what happened to you first, so you can have some context for understanding your own acted-out behavior. I explored this to a degree in my self-therapy book “From Trauma to Enlightenment.” If you look at your acted-out behavior out of context there’s just the risk of seeing yourself as inherently bad, and not as a wounded child who was repeating some version of what was done to you.
I’m wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hey, Daniel.
How are you doing?
I am sorry but this is gonna be a long message and I hope you read it, and share your thoughts.
2 months ago I moved to a different country for education.
For last 20+ years of existence, I’ve been miserable. Always confused, anxious, suicidal at certain parts of my life, maybe depressed, and I don’t know what else. I always thought something was wrong, but couldn’t figured it out. So, about a month ago, I started reading more and more stuff to figure out what’s wrong.
Read a lot of self-help books. Came across “The Mountain is You”, it led me to reading more about childhood trauma, and healing the inner-child. Then I read “How to Heal Your Inner Child: Overcome Past Trauma and Childhood Emotional Neglect by Simon Chapple”
Reading that book, I realized some of the things that happened in my past, but they didn’t make complete sense. I was discussing all this stuff with my friend, who suffered from a lot of stuff at home as well.
I told him some of the stuff about my mother, and he said “it sounds like a case of narcissistic behavior, explore it a bit”
So, I read some more stuff, and came across a book about “Covert Narcissism.”
And holy sh-t. Everything in my life just made sense. It all connected.
I was always made to feel like I wasn’t enough. I was abused physically by her whenever I did anything which she didn’t like at all. She wanted me to “save her”. Everything was about her. My grades were basically how she presented herself in front of her peers. She was never proud of me. She never once told me she loved me. I was always so scared to disappoint her. My life had no meaning. Every choice I took was just so I could please her, get her approval in life, which I never did. She used religion as a tool to control me. She always used to say “Parents are like Gods, you should worship me”. Literally. I could never get close to her emotionally. She made me incapable of functioning without anxiety. Ever since I was a kid, she bombarded me with the negative world view, and how scary it was outside the house. I was always terrified of living. But even after all that I managed to somehow get away from my home, to a different country. I couldn’t never reason with her. She’d throw child-like tantrums. Give me silent treatment. There’s so much stuff that I could write a novel about it. She ticks EVERY point of the narcissistic personality disorder. She made put infinite pressure onto me to succeed. I could get 98% score, and she’d still say I’m not good enough. She manipulated my whole life in very clever ways, which I did not realize until last week. And I’m still discovering stuff. This is like the tip of the ice-berg. She made me hate my grandma because my grandma loved me and realized something was wrong with my mom. She made up lies about her. So also told me fake stories about dad, so I’d be on her side. There’s sooooooo much. I’m journaling about it.
I also realized that I had developed the “Parental Rescue Fantasy” because of your video.
Now, I have an older sister. And it turns out she’s a narcissist as well. My mother cut-off emotional connection with her when I was born.
My sister despised my existence. I thought about connecting with her multiple times…but there was nothing to connect with. She manipulated me my whole life to get the work done. She knew I wanted her approval, after all she was my sister. So, she’d provide me with approval only when she wanted to get work done. She made me hate myself. Destroyed my self-image. She constantly made me feel inferior and she makes sure that everyone knows how great she is (even though she has nothing to show for). Social media definitely feeds into her ego a lot. She doesn’t have any empathy. Whenever I tried to explain any tough situation I was in, she just laughed and shifted the topic to herself like “oh look at me, we have the same abusive mother, but I’m so happy in life, you should learn from me, I’m perfect.” I broke my ankle a few years ago, I was in pain, full of tears. She stood there, hysterically laughing at me. Who does that?! I don’t wanna speak too much about her, but she has like 7 out of 9 personality traits of NPD. She has a boyfriend, who is exactly like my dad (someone who can be easily manipulated…and I feel bad for him. I don’t want him to marry her. His life will be ruined. How do I save him?
So, both my sister and my mom. NPDs. Broke me for last 20+ years.
My dad…classic enabler. Wasn’t at home much. Focused too much at work. Always tried to keep things “peaceful”, which made it very easy for my mom and my sister to manipulate him. I saw it happening so much as a kid, but I never understood what was happening. Why he kept getting stepped over by both of them? I’d ask him, he’d just smile and say “it’s okay they’re family”. He justified my mom’s behavior my saying she’s broken because of her parents, and my sister is broken because of my mom. He tried to stop my mom at times, but it never really worked. He has suffered from a heart attacked and survived cancer. I see now, how badly my mom and my sister has fucked his life up. I see it every day. I remember every moment. It pains me to see how he is unable to free himself because of what the society will say if he tries to save himself.
My sister and my mother pretty much just fight for “power” at home nowadays. And somehow my sister comes on top. She’s more extroverted, and knows how to get work done.
They both just throw tantrums.
It’s so toxic.
They’re both parasites.
I NEVER felt comfortable at home. I was constantly anxious. All the fights. My dad and my mom, my sis and my mom. and I’d just be locking myself in my room. Feeling like crap.
I tried talking to my dad. He understands everything. But he can’t see through all the manipulations, and even if he does, he’s just too scared to do anything about it. He’s old now. I feel like it’s too late for him to confront all his traumas. He’s living in the fantasy that he can fix them. He wants me to compromise as well. But I don’t want to.
I haven’t talked to my mother ever since realizing all this.
I tried talking to my sister about our mom (before I realized she was just like her), and her reaction was pretty much “who cares about you? i’m happy, i have a ‘perfect’ life.’
Also, you know what she said? “Don’t commit suicide over all this.”
I have so much bottled up emotions. I am in a new country. Pretty much alone. I have university lectures to attend. I have exams. I am financially dependent upon my dad. My housing situation is a bit uncertain.
I cried a lot in past 1-2 weeks. Way more than I ever did before. My mom used to make me shut up by using violence whenever I cried as a kid. She’d say that if I cried, she’d hit me harder, which she did. 🙂
So I had stopped crying for 15+ years.
But, now I finally did.
I still feel like there’s so much more to come, I feel like choking sometimes from these emotions.
I have so much to say, there’s no one to listen. I can’t connect with anyone I know in real life.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t even know if you will read all this, but it feels like a relief just to get this off my chest.
Hi Justin,
I read it — and it’s public so I guess others will too. I’m really wishing you the best. I hope you take things slow — a lot of awareness about the horrors of our childhood can be overwhelming. Mostly I hope you really take good care of yourself — be a good parent for yourself. Very gentle!!
Yes, I’m wishing you the best, Daniel
I have at times, nowadays, trouble breathing.
You know how when you cry, your voice/breath kinda breaks? I’m not sure how to describe it. But usually when I try to take a deep breath, I can’t. It gets stuck. It’s the similar feeling to when we cry and try to breath. It’s like stutter breath whenever I try to deeply inhale. I felt the same when I was stuck at home for months with my mom.
I even went to a doctor, they gave me anti-allergies. But now I realize it’s not something physical. It’s related to all my emotions, and I don’t know what to do with it.
Can you suggest something?
Hi Justin,
Not sure what to say right now… I happen to be exhausted at the moment… I think it’s normal to have all sorts of unusual or unexpected physical reactions during the healing process… I’m really wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Hey,
I just wanted to know about the healing process. How do I know I’m making any progress? How do I get the self-destructive voices out of my head? How do I trust my instincts? How do I make sure I don’t fall back into the same pattern? How do I manage the emotions even though logically I know they’re because of a specific childhood thing?
I’m sorry for all these questions, but I don’t know I feel confused.
Like, there’s a girl I like but it’s not even attraction, I can feel I have feelings for her only because I want her to provide me with the missing motherly childhood emotional support. It’s a weird conflict between what I’ve known/wanted my whole life and what I logically know now because of all the things I’ve recently realized.
Any suggestions?
Thank you.
Hey Daniel,
I dont really want to talk about all of the interesting things i learned from your videos and how much i can relate to everything you are saying. I wanted to ask you regarding going to University for Psychology.
I always have had academic problems and I dont see myself doing anything with what i learned in school. (apart from music).
I just finished highschool and i didnt learn any biology or anything that has to do with psychology or psychotherapy. I saw the courses that the University offer and there is so much Biology and Neuroscience. Im not sure how all of that is connected to what I want to learn from all of this. I get how its important to learn the base of everything, but I have had trouble concetrating on those “base” things and always wanted to get to deeper into topics that I think are interesting and rellevant for me.
Do you have some tips for how i should approach this. I can be very concetrated in my work, but i will have to trade that with my social life. I tend to get very distracted and attached to people when i socialize a lot (caused by trauma probably).
Before i will start learning im thinking of going to a place completly disconnected from family or friends, where I go on hikes, read books, journal e.t.c and go through the grieving proccess that i so desperatly need. The only person who is stopping me from doing that is myself. A part of me doesnt want to leave Germany, but I know I have to…
Would love to hear your opinion on it and thanks for the stuff on youtube and your books
Dan
Hi Dan,
Well, I don’t see neuroscience and biology as being at the root of psychology. I see our true spirit and our unresolved traumas as being much more important. That’s probably why I would hate studying psychology in university — and why I hated the one psychology class I took.
I think your idea about going hiking and being alone and journaling, if that calls to you, sounds like a good idea. I know such things can be stressful, though, so I hope you go gently with yourself, and don’t push yourself too hard emotionally, whatever it is you choose to do. I wish you the best — Daniel. P.S. I made a video on Neuroscience, called: “A Critique of Neuroscience — As It Relates to Psychological Healing From Trauma”. Perhaps you already watched it though… https://youtu.be/JAl1f1ScJHE
Hello Daniel.
First of all I’d like to thank you for doing what you’re doing. In a time that becomes more focused on diagnosis, prescription drugs and CBT by the day (at least – here in Sweden) it’s nice to have a voice of reason to fall back on. I’ve recently gone through abusive therapy number 4 and I can’t express in words just how much your content has helped me. Even such a seemingly trivial thing as listening to your songs on repeat on Spotify while laughing at the absurdity of the mental health field with a friend has made a difference!
I have a question, regarding grief. It’s more of a personal one than a strict theoretical one, I hope you don’t mind; I went through my latest bout of traumatization in May this year. I’ve been living with more or less acute stress ever since and other things in my life has been affected as a result of this, which had led to even more stress. Initially, I tried to use my regular vagus nerve exercises that always worked like a charm on my poor nervous system, but for some reason it only managed to make it worse that time. I took a break from them and now, when my circumstances have mostly improved, I decided to try them again. After an hour or so of doing it I broke down crying. Longer than I’ve ever cried in my life (and I’ve begun my fourth decade on this Earth), with the help of a friend it managed to subside after about two and a half hours! I tried it again yesterday and the crying started again.
I sort of have a hunch that I’m on the right track, that grief is finally beginning to show itself? The problem is that it’s absolutely awful and painful, which I guess it’s supposed to be. But I don’t like it and it feels like I now have to choose between a hyperaroused nervous system and crying for hours and emotionally, I don’t know which I prefer. As a result, I’m now extremely reluctant to do my vagus exercises, at the same time, my very goal has been grieving! Is there a way to let it out more gently? Is there something I can do to ease the torment for myself? Is there a right and a wrong time to grieve?
Realized that was a lot of questions, pardon in advance. 🙂
Best regards,
Cat
Hi Cat,
Hmm, I’m not sure what to say!!! My gut vibe is that only you can have the answer to this — and that maybe taking a step back, or trying to find a way to take a step back, can give you some perspective on what is best for you. Maybe journaling about it??
My personal thought is this, from my own experience: yes, grieving and healing is good and has been good for me and has ultimately been the only thing that saves my life, but not at the cost of driving myself nuts or ruining my health!!! So– all things in moderation–
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Your video delving into the world of the highly gifted individual, Blind Tom, struck a profound chord with me. My venture into university at a tender age has brought about a peculiar sense of isolation, possibly rooted in severe past physical and emotional traumas from various people. Despite seeking solace through therapy and encountering adverse effects from psychiatry, I find myself drawn to exploring dissociation as a coping mechanism.
Approaching my 19th birthday while gearing up for a Ph.D., I can’t help but ponder how highly gifted individuals navigate burnout without resorting to dissociation. It prompts me to wonder if their exceptional output might be intertwined with elements of dissociation. Personally, I don’t know how long I can keep achieving things since, what’s the point? Doctors used to say I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Yet, I can no longer, unfortunately, trust mental health services. I am achieving things out of habit, but I can easily derail my life. Have you ever felt this way?
Moreover, I’m aware of the profound isolation stemming not just from personal battles but also from the broader struggle against societal injustices. I firmly believe that you, your subscribers, your advocates, and I stand united as allies in the journey of embracing our uniqueness and humanity. Your content has been instrumental in fostering this sense of camaraderie and understanding. Please don’t forget about all of your allies.
And take care of yourself, anyone who is reading this.
Sincerely,
just a European girl who trully appreciates your work
Thanks Violet,
I appreciate your words. Hmm…you wrote: “I am achieving things out of habit, but I can easily derail my life. Have you ever felt this way?” I’m not sure I feel I can easily derail my life — but I definitely feel on the border of overwhelmed from time to time!!! Those times, I need to find ways to relax more and not push myself so hard — take more breaks, spend more time with friends, get out in nature more… Sometimes I need to get off the internet more too…
I’m wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Daniel,
Excellent work you’ve done; I’ve been without contact from my folks for over four months, for the first time in 9 years. That was back when I believed in the soft “science” of clinical psychology, and was in therapy with a so-called professional. My mother first had me going to a shrink ~age 8-10; which now I look at doing that to children as something like, is abuse too strong a word?
Your work and Thomas Szasz’s, particularly “The Myth of Mental Illness”, have changed my perception of the whole industry. I also love Nietschze, and anything that disputes the latest version of the DSM haha
Hey daniel,
i noticed that i can no longer find your video “Mild Sexual Abuse of Daughters by Fathers” on youtube that you did a few years ago. did you delete it or made it private?
personally, as part of the other videos you made about incest, it was quite profound and a friend of mine found it quite eye opening in regards of her relationship with her father.
Hi Roman,
I took it down because I was getting overwhelmed with the negative comments, the attacks. I just didn’t have the energy for it — it was draining me. Part of me would really like to put it up, because I stand by what I said, but part of me just feels I have my limits 🙁 🙁
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I would be interested to watch this video, do you have a private link to it?
No, I don’t have a private link at this point…
Daniel
Hi daniel, i’m really sorry to hear that. This is an unfortunate downside of reaching so many people with a powerful message. A lot of YouTube creators deal with way too much negativity and some indeed stop because of attacks and threats (which are scary).
But what about disabling comments on this video? It’s not perfect but can work. Or maybe a blog post that summarizes the key ideas with no option of commenting? I’m suggesting these because I also stand by your ideas and think it applies also for mothers and sons (at least somewhat with my mother).
But obviously do what is best for you before anything else.
Thanks, roman.
Hi Roman,
Thanks for the idea. The only problem with disabling comments is that the people who would leave helpful and insightful comments don’t get to leave them, and the people who would leave the nasty comments just go to other videos and leave them them there… Basically, for now I just feel safer leaving the video down. But I will keep thinking about putting it back up!!! I recognize that it’s a shame to keep a video private if it has the possibility to help people… I wish I had more super-strength!!!
Daniel
haven’t thought about the perspective of reading the more useful comments and you are right since on almost every video i read a few good ones. indeed a downside. regarding the nasty comments, you are right people will go to other videos to write them but since it requires a bit more effort maybe it will be less. though going down from say 70 toxic comments to 15 while less are still jarring to the heart strings.
a bit off topic: out of all people, it’s almost funny that you wish for super strength while being probably one of the stronger willed and courageous people i know (through the internet at least). but i get where you are coming from. while personally i’m highly sensitive currently to almost anything, even for a highly healed person it’s hard not to react to hard or threatening things or words. i believe it’s part of being a real/full human. this brings me to think about the known phrase of “being thick skinned” or “having elephant skin”. i’ve been told this advice at least a few times during my life and i believe some emotional sensitivity and reactivity is indeed from unhealed trauma parts. but part of me doesn’t feel right with the notion that a human can or should be completely “stoic” and “cold” to every threat, terror, anger or toxic insult (though there are cultures like that). my guess is that people with “very thick skin” that don’t react to almost anything are simply dissociated because otherwise it is too painful. on the other hand, like in your video about the accident in Sumatra, i think there is a value in temporary dissociation for survival in the moment.
Roman.
Thanks for sharing this, Roman!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I am also very interested in the video. I have only discovered your work quite recently but have already read one of your books and watched a lot of your content. This video sounds like it could help me on my journey too. If you have an unlisted link, I would be very interested in viewing it.
Kind regards,
Natasha
Thanks Tash. I don’t have a private link at this point. I’m sorry about that…
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I’m hoping you will read this message so I’ll keep it as short as I can. I found you a few months ago and your work has helped me put things together. I had a first episode of psychosis and I’ve been through the mental health system, meds, diagnosis and everything. I have many bad things to say about it but I won’t do it here as you already point it out really well in your videos.
My main point of this comment is that I think my psychosis happened as a consequence of me not being emotionally independed from my mother. I am 28yo man and I think that what I experienced emotionally during what they label as psychosis was my first ever experience that did not involve my mother. Psychosis served a function for me to become an independed person emotionally as it pulled me away from her.
My mother is a nice person, really positive, nurturing, encouraging and knows how to listen but I think that she lives through her children. Not in a narcissistic way or not even rellying on her children on the surface but she helps us with life’s challenges by providing advice and emotional support. Little did I know that underneath this her helping us (oh and btw she is a therapist and she does therapy with her kids) is a dynamic of her needing to be in a position where she feels like she is the person helping us but unconciously she keeps us stuck to herself so she will never be alone. This dynamic is really challenging to unpack as the trauma is not that obvious but I can see I struggle with independence, money and relying too much on other people for approval and support.
I’ve watched almost all of your videos but I haven’t seen you mention emotional enmeshment or covert incest or anything like that. I read Alice Millers books but do you have any other suggestions on the dynamics where there is enmeshment and no clear boundries between family members.
Thanks in advance.
Hi Jean,
Greetings! Hmm, I guess I didn’t use the words “emotional enmeshment” or “covert incest,” but I would say I cover, or at least touch on, these topics in my videos on breaking from parents and also sexual abuse of sons by mothers… Also, one of the “slogans” in my book “from trauma to enlightenment” is “most incest never involves physical touch…” As for suggestions, I’m not sure exactly what to say, though some of things you described your mother doing don’t sound healthy or nice at all….especially doing therapy on her own children. Definitely a big no-no — can be VERY harmful… There’s a famous therapist who did that with her kids (I believed I referred to her in why book “Toward Truth”), and her name is Melanie Klein. If my memory is correct, her son ended up killing himself and her daughter publicly broke from her mother and excoriated her afterward. Yet Melanie Klein is still famous and revered today… What does that say about our world??? I’m wishing you the best! Daniel
Thank you for your answer Daniel, you are a treasure! 🙂
Hi Daniel! I’m 20, still pretty new to psychology, self exploration and meditation. I’ve been watching a few of your videos, and what you’re saying and talking about resonates with me a lot. I wanted to ask about something-
What do you define Trauma as?
Looking back at my childhood, I can say with confidence that I was never physically or sexually assaulted by anyone in any way. But, when I look at my current life, the depression I struggled with for a while, and just generally the relationships I’ve been in recently, I can get the feeling that something just isnt right. I feel like I am not very perceptive of my own emotions or good at journaling.
But, I also can’t think of any particular events growing up that may have shaped my worldview as it is now. I’ve never gone through anything that is super traumatic, so I’m not sure what to look for in my journaling process. How do I know what is and isn’t traumatic? Can something be emotionally traumatic so that part of your brain learns lessons that make it suffer more in life and never be able to really move on?
And, I know this is a bit long and I’m rambling, but what should I start with when journaling and learning to self reflect?
Hi Avery,
I have a video in which I define what I consider to be the eight types of psychological trauma: https://youtu.be/qD3PGGvASrI
Maybe you’d find this useful…
I also have a self-therapy book on this website that I sell for $5 — it’s sort of a journaling guide, if you’re interested… (It’s under the book section of this website.)
Also, on my Youtube channel, I have a few videos on journaling — you might find them useful if you search for “journal” or “journaling” there.
Wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Thank you so much! I honestly didnt even expect you to reply to me! I will check these out shortly
Hi, Daniel! Love all your videos 🙂 I was wondering if you are able to record more videos outside? I remember watching one and it was incredibly relaxing. Maybe this is hard now during winter, but I was hoping for something closer to summertime.
Hi Evan,
I wish I could record outside — but I am living in New York City now…and have no access to outside… I often barely even have a place to record inside!!! Daniel
hi. I just discovered you about three days ago on YouTube. I have been searching for you for 68-69 years (Sept 16, 70th BD). I am you. You are me (in so many, many, many ways.) I have never emailed anyone regarding how I was created as the person I was, and then finally became. I have WAY too much to say without writing a novel (or 3). Psychiatrists, therapists, case workers, psychologists and very close personal friends, I have had. However, I never found a person that could begin to understand the 24/7 fear, anxiety, guilt and manipulation that molded me into an alcohol and drug-abusing, self-loathing, self-destructive, relationship-destroying borderline sociopathic kid into an alcohol and drug-abusing, self-loathing, self-destructive, relationship-destroying borderline sociopathic adult. I’m fairly certain that we will never have a conversation that I have been looking for, and quite honestly, I no longer need to have. I always tried to find someone or something to fix me. I finally realized I needed to fix myself. I feel extremely lucky to have done this. I do not believe in religion or god thing but I have to say “thank god” I found out how, why, when and where I came from. None of the experts could know what it took 17 years of my childhood to create. Recalling Incidents or specific actions in therapy, although plentiful, was like reading a table of contents but not the book. It took 69 years to be content with myself and my life. I just wanted to tell somebody but until you, there was nobody to tell. I was happy as a clam and the favorite of my mother. I had two sisters and mom did not like girls. The men in our family did not like boys. Mom was put in a mental institution, paranoid schizophrenia, when I was 6 in second grade. To say my life changed, who and what it made me, could never be explained or understood until you. Both sisters taken to live with other people so I was left alone with daddy. 6’4″, 275 lbs. weightlifter, martial artist with background in psychological terror training in ww2, with narcissistic personality disorder. (how’s that) Next ten years I lived alone with dad. Im just healing at this late age and pleased to have not become a serial something. Bob
p.s. the entire story of my life is insane.
Thank you Robert! Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was just wondering, have you ever worked, or had experience with people with learning disabilities? What are your thoughts on this topic?
Best,
Greg
I just got a vasectomy today. Resting up nicely. I have no children and in 4 months will find out if I’m sterile. I think I would have made this decision without your influence, but you helped me go through with it with confidence. Thanks for that.
My question would be, what are your thoughts on adoption? I think this would be a great topic for a video as well.
Only a small percentage of men get a reversal of their vasectomy, and I will not be one of them, but I could see a very small possibility of adopting a child if I had the means and felt I was psychologically and emotionally healthy enough and with a healthy and loving partner. If that were true, in theory, wouldn’t that be preferable to a child being in foster care or maybe being assigned to unhealthy parents?
Interested in hearing your thoughts on the topic. Thanks.
Hi Brian,
Well, I did write an essay on adoption back in 2006: https://wildtruth.net/adoption-is-not-the-enlightened-way-to-have-children/
I think it covers some of my ideas on the subject, though I’d probably express them differently now…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thank you for this website and for sharing your journey and thoughts. They’ve helped me so much. I feel like I come from very different experiences compared to yours, but I think because of that, it’s actually helped me realise where I differ and where some of my denial and dissociation and distortions are in my thinking. I’m 20 and it’s come to my attention that uhhh I am very dissociated and in a lot of emotional pain that I have not quite resolved because I was and am still kind of a child BUT I NEVER REALISED IT my entire life. It’s in the zeitgeist nowadays, all the talk about the inner child. And I was diagnosed with OCD, so I was very desperate to heal and find the root of my issues, so I dutifully went about with trying to access and heal my inner child, but guess what – I couldn’t find one. It’s very difficult for me to access her. So I just want to preface with that, because I am very wounded still, and I think that can provide some context with an essay/rant I have written below, which I hope to get some of your thoughts on:
When do all animals have sex/reproduce?
When naturally the seasons are ideal and resources are plenty and there is safety and security – in their environment and in themselves (confidence in their adult abilities to survive and regulate, in order to pass these skills onto children). Experientially this comes in the form of a feeling of absolute certainty and safety (not actually true certainty, just a sense of it, which can be achieved perceptually). Plus (with bravery and the peeling away of denial) a recognition of truly feeling capable of self-regulating/maintaining life – the markings of adulthood, of being sexually mature also.
However in the modern world we have synthetic drugs (actual drugs, behavioural addictions, fancy houses, status, overabundant food, dissociative self-help books, social media ego boosters etc.) to emulate this condition in ourselves and our environments, even when the conditions are the opposite of what is ideal for reproduction. Therefore people have children in less than ideal conditions and these children are then promptly neglected by their parents who are still mentally children but don’t realise it because they are so drugged up by their perceived synthetic ‘ideal’ conditions, and so in these fake conditions they feel the need to reproduce. So these children end up sick and twisted and awful in adulthood, and it really isn’t their fault. So much of humanity has been due to this, and we therefore turn out to be exactly the same as macaques that have undergone ethically dubious, left-field, unnatural science experiments.
So no, most people are NOT their most natural selves by “being themselves” in modern society. Most of us are very much experimentally skewed macaques, because we are using our natural instincts to adapt to rapidly changing unnatural environments. We are natural in the sense that everything we do has logic and is reasonable and comes from naturally selected and evolved drives, but that does not mean, in the context of modern society, the OUTCOME is natural. What I’m saying is that it is not necessarily healthy when we reasonably, even organically, adapt to unnatural conditions. In order to revert to nature, we must seek an environment of true nature to adapt to, the order of nature to adapt to.
That’s why nature helps us orient ourselves to health and we can’t explain it but it just does. Because it revolutionises our environmental conditions, illuminates who we truly are as we now have a frame of reference in nature. And it gets rid of all the drugged up artifice of our synthetically ‘ideal’ conditions.
But the world population is plateau-ing, because not even the synthetic simulacra of reproductive conditions we have made for ourselves is truly enough to replace wholesale nature. Junk food vs whole food is both a metaphor and manifestation of this. Not even synthetic ideal conditions can sufficiently get enough people to feel the need to reproduce. This is corroborated by demographic transition theory.
Original Demographic Transition Theory (Four Stages):
Stage 1 – Pre-Industrial: In this stage, both birth rates and death rates are high. Populations tend to remain stable, with modest growth due to high birth rates compensating for high death rates.
Stage 2 – Transitional: As societies undergo industrialization, death rates begin to decline due to improved healthcare, sanitation, and food production. Birth rates, however, remain high, leading to rapid population growth.
Stage 3 – Industrial: In this stage, birth rates begin to decline as well. Economic and social changes, increased access to family planning, and greater urbanization contribute to smaller family sizes.
Stage 4 – Post-Industrial: Both birth and death rates are low, resulting in a stable or slowly growing population. Modern industrialized societies typically fall into this stage.
Stage 5: Some scholars have proposed the addition of a fifth stage in which birth rates fall below death rates, leading to population decline. This stage is often associated with advanced industrialized nations where fertility rates have dropped significantly.
So we are so dissociated, and we are so far away from nature. From Dao. I’m Chinese-Australian so maybe I just like drawing on my roots. But why does so much of our literature, philosophies, widespread core conceptions of the world, have these strange presuppositions of dichotomising humans and other animals? It’s least pronounced in science, but it still infiltrates most parts of it. But it’s most definitely in the humanities, in philosophy, in religion, in the ways that we truly make decisions as collectives. As if we aren’t motherfucking animals. Like what the fuck is truly special about us compared to other animals? We assign meaning to ourselves, and I think this reason is okay and healthy and good. But otherwise, any intellectualised or rationalised or actively argued reason to hold humans in higher esteem over any other life form is contrived and duplicitous. Because logically, nothing really makes us more special than other animals, but somehow that truth has become a taboo. And why has it become a taboo? Because we have changed our environment so much that we have literally become dissociated and amnesic to our natural homeostatic states in the natural environments we were evolved to be adapted to. So many of us are obese – a distinctly 21st Century epidemic that we’ve forgotten is the outcome of not protecting our primitive hard-wiring against overwhelmingly novel and absurd and strange environments. We are so naturally adapted to unnatural environments that we have forgotten what it was like to be adapted to natural environments, and how that original state would be very much congruent, homologous, with the states of other animals.
But we are in too deep. To try the conventional wisdom of truly returning collective society to “wilderness and nature” is foolish. Regressive primitivism is dangerous – it ignores why humans have a drive to transform our environment in the first place, how the unnatural is also ultimately natural. Primitivism hurts all of us. But also, the most natural thing is to finish up all this mess. To see this experiment through, to see self-annihilation through. To face death. We’ve had enough time playing and making in the sandbox of life. Maybe it’s time for us to finish our self-administered course of anti-human antibiotics. If we truly can’t stop climate change, even with the biggest efforts we can manage given the circumstances, then we truly can’t stop it. The culture has already caught on, right? It is what it is. We laugh about this shit. Laugh through the pain. That is natural. Then once again adaptive radiation can occur. Writing about this in a prescriptive tone is a fucking lie, because all of it is inevitable descriptively deterministic truth.
And I complain about these big issues, not because I truly fucking care. It’s because I’m suffering and so neurotic and plagued with so much guilt within my own personal life that I project that shit outwards. Because I am ultimately just another animal struggling to be healthy and homeostatic in the conditions I find myself to be in.
I would love to be optimistic. But that would be insane. I am 20 years old. My generation, all of us have tried optimism, way too young. That’s what we are taught. Because the teachers tell us about Al Gore and climate change and how it is up to us and it is our personal responsibility to change shit, since primary school. But I know all of us contend with this – this Sisyphian need to reach our ideals of optimism and effort and change and responsibility and accountability, but forever being drawn down by the gravity of nihilism and dystopia. That is my generation. Gen Z. So much anger at the older generations, at the boomers. I could write pages upon pages about why, about how the older generations essentially parentified us. To solve the issues that they created and have complexes and guilt and denial (see climate change denial like WTF) about. I know I’m generalising about people but I’m angry and I’m irrational and I’m letting myself be for now. Because these are the issues and the world we never chose to be born into, but have to accept responsibility for now, because we have no choice but to accept it, because we want to save ourselves, if not others. I am cynical. I am heartbroken. I am torn. I am isolated and separated and mentally ill. I am distracted. I am dissociated. That is normal but not natural. I don’t know what to do. I am barely able to stop myself from hurting others because I am so wounded myself. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to heal, but I’m at the very early stages, if I can even say that. I have OCD, I have anger issues. I don’t know what to do. But maybe secretly I do. So I’ll just keep going. I just need a little bit of hope.
So I guess my ideas are a bit all over the place, but… thoughts?
Thank you!
Mary
Hello Daniel Mackler,
In your video about Dementia, you mention people having a lifestyle of forgetting what happened to them. Now I don’t know, but I get the sense that you don’t mean actually forgetting the events of their life (although it could end up like that?), but more forgetting the experience, or the emotional truth of their life? Is there anyplace you’ve described this distinction more? I know in Alice Millers books she talks about people laughing off their traumas, or acting like they don’t matter, and almost congratulating themselves for that attitude. What’s the difference between remembering in a dispassionate way, and truly remembering? See, I have trouble finding the right words to even ask.
Hi Jack,
Hmm, good question. Perhaps people forget their childhood history of having been mistreated or neglected, and also forget the ways in which they acted out that mistreatment or neglect on others… Or perhaps people remember certain parts of it and forget others… But I think blocking out their emotions and their emotional history and their emotional responses is part of it.
Daniel
Good afternoon Daniel,
Thank for for your videos on YouTube. It is nice to hear someone talk as you do. I understand that you are very busy, but maybe if you have some videos that could pount me in the right direction I would appreciate it. I’m going to just say some stuff about myself and see if it rings any bells for you. I have been trying to figure out myself for over half of my life. I have about a handful of memories from when I was 6-7 years old and before that, none. I know this because I was almost 7 when we moved to California from new york, and I just go off my new york memories to tell my age. I noticed around 11 to 12 when my parents split up that I was becoming less engaged at school and with friends. I seldom hung out with friends outside of school although I wished I could have. I did not hang out with anyone outside of school after 7th grade when I switched schools to go to 8th. I had friends in school still, but I did continue to do poorly and got in trouble a couple times. I remember always trying to get out of going to school even in the 1st grade. I think I went to two different schools for 1st. One for 2nd, 3rd, 4th. Another for 5th, 6th, 7th and another for 8th. I went to three different highschools from 9th-10th and ended up just getting my GED because I never went pretty much. I tried college and stopped early on. Tried again when I moved to NY with my mom and stopped early on. Tried one last time four years later and did well with a 4.0 but found I didn’t want to be what I was going to college for so I stopped that after a couple semesters. That is my school history. My relationship(friends, gf’s) history is about as messed up as that. Supposedly when I was little maybe 2-5 I always pushed kids away and was mean. I wouldn’t share and would tell them to go away and would freak out if my brother invited neighbor kids over to play with our stuff or have our snacks etc. We grew up wealthy and had everything. Besides my one friend Matt who I rode dirtbikes with and I’d hang out on weekends sometimes with, I could probably count on two hands the total times I hung out with people outside of school. I just was not good at having friends outside of school but I had friends in school, I don’t know why. My dad was never really home growing up, he was always working doing his doctor thing. If I saw him it was at about 7pm and we went to bed a little bit after. He was not hard on me and I could do no wrong. He let me do and have everything I wanted. From what I can see now, he lies often, is full of pride and I think may have some sort of issue. He even bought famous painting reproductions and would sign them as his own work. Would talk about things he knows little about in a way that would have others believe him, even if I knew he was wrong. He has no reason to lie, he went to University of Pennsylvania and then Stanford for medical school. He came from nothing, dirt floors no running water in Mexico to the U.S. and only got his citizenship in 1983. Graduated medical school in 1985 and has been doing well since. He loves to spend money and have the best of anything. To me, he makes poor financial decisions but what do I know? My mother is an alcoholic and has been my entire life. I don’t think I have any memory of her growing up when she wasn’t drinking, puking and couldn’t take me to school, fighting and yelling with my dad, or where it seemed like I was having fun around her. I remember crying a lot not wanting to be around her and wanting to go to my dad’s. My dad coached us on what to say to the psychologist so that he would win custody of us in the divorce. If I go over to her house to visit nowadays, I am usually scolded atleast a couple times for doing silly things like not putting something back exactly where it goes or putting my shoes in the wrong spot etc. She freaks out a lot. She still drinks and does gummies all the time. As for friends, I haven’t had many except for one that has lasted. His name is nick and his mom and my mom have been friends for a long time. We are also the same age. He was my friend in NY when I left and would visit CA sometimes to see me. When I came back we were still friends so I am glad to have him. I have had some work friends if I was working at a place where there are other young people but I have lost contact with them over the years and after switching jobs. It seems like I am good at making friends if I am around people like at a job, but I don’t really have friends outside of work, just like how it was in school. I’m not shy either, I have taught myself to not be shy after highschool. Then comes the relationships with girls. I never really had any luck in highschool but a couple years after, I turned out to be attractive and athletic was blessed in other areas(sorry, but I am painting a picture). I taught myself to not be shy, to have confidence and to be funny. I never had a problem hanging out with girls and it seemed like they were the only “friends” I could make and hold for an extended period of time and hang out outside of work. I was good at flirting and I see that this is probably because they were attracted to me which gave me a foot in the door and I would take the opportunity because I of course wanted a friend. These would turn into relationships if at work or school, if it was an app it could have been a relationship or just a fling. Ot all depended what the girl wanted usually. I usually always would have hung out again. My first “relationship” was with my babysitter/cook/housesitter when my dad would travel away for the week and my brother and I were alone. She was ten years older than I but I really liked her and I hung out with her all the time because she was the only person around. We ended up fooling around a couple times but nothing crazy. I became very attached and when she eventually left I was devastated. I remember being sad constantly. I acted pretty crazy and threw fits and acted out when the fun part of hanging out went away, when she said she couldn’t hang out with me like that because she had a boyfriend. The second was a pretty short one, this very attractive girl named camryn was really into me at a family reunion/benefit, we were drinking and fooled around a bit. I went back to CA after and moved back to NY a month later to be with her. The entire time it was great talking to her, but we hung out twice and, being the naive kid I was, had no idea what I was doing or took any hints. I know she wanted one thing from me but I just wanted to hang out, and I didn’t get it and she broke my heart. Again, I was deeply saddened and I remember feeling so hopeless and my heart physically hurt in intense pain. It was horrible. The next was a longer term one, maybe 2.5 years on and off. I was in school and met this girl and we would hang out to study. Eventually we hung out not to study and it started into a relationship after that. I ran into problems when I freaked out over her going to hang out with her ex and I became pretty hurt after that. We broke up and got back together a couple months later and that lasted until I moved back to CA. She wasn’t for me though, it wasn’t a good fit. When I moved back to NY again I got a job at my old work and met a girl named Hannah. She was at first very fun, energetic and outgoing and I fell for her and wanted to be with her. We hooked up on the first time hanging out. That lasted for a couple months and then I found out she was also seeing some other guy bc he was going to school for something better than I was. I was hurt, spent 3 months rebuilding and it turns out with guy cheated on her and so she came back to me and was hanging out with me for the next 7ish months. I eventually found out she hung out with some guy in her dorm room and I freaked out. I told her to leave my house and go back to her dorm but she refused, we got in a verbal fight and then she got physical and I had a restraining order put on her. She saw me a couple times during that order and I felt bad for doing it. As a side note there were about 20 other girls I hung out with for a bit in between all of this but just hookups nothing significant. I always felt like everything was my fault with her and that I needed to make her feel better. In the meanwhile about 4 months after that, I met a girl named Kristie who was the realest friend of them all. I pretty much fell in love with her immediately because I felt I had found someone like me, a misfit. I couldn’t wait to hang out with her every day and fall asleep holding her every night. But Hannah kept in touch with me and kept pulling me back, I was very torn at the time. I developed a drinking problem during the first breakup with Hannah, and after the second breakup it became worse. When I met Kristie I was drinking maybe 300 to 400ml of vodka a night. The first time I took acid with her I stopped after that for I think 6 months. When I was with Hannah and happy there was almost no need to drink, the same goes for Kristie. Kristie was great but I would make her sad when I was sad about Hannah. I didn’t think about how it made her feel. Kristie and I went on for a couple years until the last year my alcohol use had skyrocketed and I became very mean and hard to be around constantly verbally hurting her and making her feel bad. I don’t remember but she told me. I now find myself sober for the first month ever, and after about a year of telling myself I will quit every day. Kristie moved out in early July and it is October. I find myself desperately missing her and thinking of her all the time. I have never been this sad in my life. When I was with her and things were good and I wasn’t drinking I had never felt so at home, comfortable, at peace. I never had someone in my corner like her, so unconditionally loving and loyal. I put her through everything and she stuck by me hoping for me to get better. Now I am here. Sober, working out again and eating better. I still was working during all of this and still have my job. I am trying to find my hobbies again and I would like to find friends again too. My greatest wish is to give Kristie the version of me she fell in love with, the sober me. I am so sorry to have fell off the horse like I did.
Do you have any idea what might be a good path to help me? I have issues with noises as someone with autism might have but I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I am a narcissist but I don’t do a lot of the things they do. I wonder if I have borderline personality but I am not sure. I wish to not have this trust issue anymore, I would like to learn more to control my emotions and figure out how to be more “normal” socially speaking. It is a lonely life full of pain when pretty much your best friend is only there for as long as the relationship. I would like to learn to make the relationship last, and if I can, do it right with Kristie again. She is just perfect in every way I can’t even begin to tell you. I thought I was in love with the others but Kristie is something else. Thank you for your help and sorry for the long read. I am 26 now and would like to get on with my life and start being happy.
John
Hi Daniel,
I have this one problem that’s been sucking out any enjoyment from my life since a long time time now.
How do you deal with envy and jealousy?
I’m currently working full time and study part time, and moved out of my hometown I lived at my whole life a bit over a year ago. I live now in another country and use my second language in day to day life. I’d say I’m doing something I never thought I would manage to do, as I come from a small countryside place and come from quite underprivileged family with many problems. I didn’t have a good parent figure in my life, or really anyone who achieved anything, so in comparison to them I’m doing quite well.
But my problem now is the envy. I envy everything people have, and especially I envy person that’s the closest to me. My boyfriend and I literally come from two completely different backgrounds. Long story short, he comes from a wealthy family and had every single thing imaginable provided. Like, he comes from a family that buys like 30+ items during Christmas for their family of 4. Me on the other hand, I come from a poorer family where buying one more costly object or even renovating the kitchen was a luxury (kitchen is still old and gross looking btw). I have to work for all of the things I want and… it’s just hard.
I don’t want to compare myself to him, I know I should be happy about his happiness, celebrate his new comfortable job, but I just can’t. I deeply can’t enjoy any of his happiness because I’m so envious of every little thing. I don’t want to feel this way, but on the other hand, how can I not? He’s able to buy anything without saving up for it, eats two takeaways daily when I gift myself one takeaway weekly as a special treat. Stuff like that. So, how can I not feel this way? It makes complete sense why I would feel the way I do.
Please anyone, not just you Daniel. How would you cope? What can I even do to make it less painful, because it feels like I tried everything.
Thanks,
KA
Hi KA—
greetings!!! I’m totally swamped with life, but I did want to share that I made two videos on jealousy some years back. Maybe something in them applies to your situation???
https://youtu.be/gfl_KgewPeE
https://youtu.be/4ERYVJM0csE
Maybe others can jump in and share here too!!
Wishing you good things!
Daniel
Hi KA,
I just wanted to let know that I am from a household like your boyfriend’s. And shockingly, I’m on the same website asking questions about why I’m not happy with my life. Money isn’t all it made out to be, and as long as you’re happy you’re rich. I wish I grew up with less; nowadays I live like a monk basically to avoid being anything like my money and worldly possession obsessed family. I wouldn’t be jealous of anyone or think about how others grew up, I’d just try to be happy as you can with him and enjoy him for who he is now. I had every toy but my mother was an alcoholic and my father was never home. And I’m still not very happy at 26. Just don’t worry about it is what I’m trying to say because he didn’t get to choose where he was born and you didn’t get to either. But you guys can go on to make whatever future you want for yourselves and kids someday.
Hi John,
Many thanks for your response! I know money isn’t everything and even with that you can still be miserable. My boyfriend also doesn’t have it perfect despite having a lot around him, his dad was as well absent while he was growing up and his mom is/was quite mentally unstable and narcissistic. But in his case he says he’s happy, so that’s the only difference I guess.
I completely understand that no one can choose where they’re born, but I still think that coming from money gives you quite the advantage. You know, crying in a beautiful family house is just different to crying in an awful rented apartment shared with strangers. Don’t take me wrong please, I appreciate your response, but I also hear that money doesn’t matter only from people who actually have it.
Maybe money gives me such a headache because I work hard to get it and in the end I don’t even have anything from it. Also I’m incredibly exhausted both mentally and physically as the result. I’m sure if that wasn’t the case then I’d feel much better, but there’s not much I can do in my circumstances right now. I’m starting a new job next week though, so fingers crossed.
I just appreciate your honesty. That is a beautiful quality. To be conscious of one’s flaws is rare. I think that by admitting envy and jealousy in and of itself gives them less power to control you.
I myself have had wealth and poverty at various points in my life. When one has had wealth one realizes that it really isn’t that big of a deal and when one is poor one realizes it was nice to have wealth. Life is just so filled with adversity and unpredictabilities that one has to count on something other than riches for security.
Presently, I am poor, well, money poor and house rich and it feels fine. There is so much to life than money and possessions.
Hi Christine,
Thanks for your response!
Maybe I expressed myself poorly but it’s not only about “he as a toy I don’t”. He has financial security I don’t and that’s the biggest thing I envy him. It’s not so much about comfortable part of money, but about whether I’ll be able to pay for my school/bills… Well, maybe it is about comfortable part too, because I do manage to afford my rent and school paymenys, but at the end of that I have roughly 400 euro left for anything else. So including food for a whole month, medical emergencies, any small whims I might have and just anything that isn’t school/rent.
I don’t earn the money in an easy way, because the job I have is completely the opposite of what I’m comfortable with and how I would want to contribute to “society”. I just hate my job in other words, and it’s hard to do something you hate 5-6 times a week. That’s another thing I envy my boyfriend, a comfortable and well paid job. He gets to sit in his apartment for a whole day in front of a computer and earns a bunch from that, meanwhile I work a fast paced fast food job I have to unnecessarily commute to and just waste my time. It’s an exhausting job both mentally and physicality, plus there’s my crazy boss who’s trying to pay us as little as possible.
I don’t know where I’m going with this and I guess it was just a small rant? But I guess I also realized I should have a different job, hah.
Life would just be more enjoyable if I didn’t have to work a mentally draining job, then come back and have classes until 10pm, and all of that just to not be able to afford anything I really want or to save up as much as I want. That, plus dread of spending my money in a wrong way plus dreading that landlord will suddenly kick me and myflatmates out just because.
If not those things, then I would be happier. I guess.
yeah, agree that working in fast food would be horrible and glad to hear you have found other employment. I didn’t mean to make light of your seriously challenging situation.
Apologies if my comments came across as such.
You know, poverty is such a massive condition worldwide.
Some of the stats that I have seen are absolutely unbelievable. For example: 800 million individuals go hungry everyday; over 2 billion people live on 2 or less dollars every day; according to UNICEF 30,000 children die each day from poverty related issues.
Yeah poverty is everywhere and to be honest one does anything about it… Ireland for example, if you lose your housing then if a) you’re not an addict b) don’t have a child or c) you’re not an alcoholic, then the government just won’t do anything to help you. Every week there are dinners for homeless happening nearby my workplace and there’s just so many normal looking people coming… We also have this GRANNY coming in to my restaurant to hang out for hours because she’s homeless. The worst part is that she’s not dirty looking or anything, like you’d usually imagine a homeless person. So that means she became homeless only recently…
If people cared enough about helping others then world would look more normal, but we’re greedy… and until the greed exists we just won’t change. Also not teaching people empathy plays a big role, but I don’t know. It’s all just so complicated it makes me only angry!
Yes, we’ve got to counteract our lower inclination towards greed with our higher inclination towards empathy.
Hi KA!
Daniel and many other folks have offered very useful insight, perspective, and wisdom.
I hope to add to this by offering some resources and tools, as well as a bit of pragmatism that you can use right away.
PART 1
First I preface my offerings with an apology that I can only share from my Western Society, US perspective (having been born and raised here). That said my lens has been shaped by my being a witness to and consequence of my immigrant parents’ experiences. They arrived from an impoverished country and struggled in various ways to achieve stability, and to eventually learn to thrive in their own ways. They are fiscally secure though not necessarily fiscally wealthy by mainstream standards. My hope tinged fear is that no major economic upheavals unfold across their final decades (they’re in their 70s) to dissolve this stability and security. Seeing as, if that were to occur their quality of life and care in during their peak elder years would evaporate, and unfortunately my own fiscal & professional reality offers none of the security and stability that they’ve created. Not for lack of trying, I’m still working at that for myself despite various twists and turns in my life circumstances (health, professional, personal challenges, surprises, and disappointments).
The reality is that my parents cannot pass on their own stability and security to myself or my siblings. One reason for this is that the geographic locations where they’ve been able to reap the fruits of their decades of labor are a total mismatch for my being able to make the most of my peak earning and working years in my line of work. (This might change slightly with remote work being more accepted, but I’ll always require strong stabile solid internet service and connectivity, and likely also a major airport hub nearby wouldn’t hurt. These pre-determine my choices of where to live and study though I know a rural environment would be ideal for my health and well being.) Another reason is the excruciating cost burdens and parameters for access to medical care in a “broken” national approach to health policies and the industries that lord over what is possible and what isn’t. The last of the major reasons is that though my parents “made it” compared to so many of their compatriots back home, and compared to many who immigrated alongside them, everyone who took on this adventure paid social-cultural , familial, & personal-developmental costs, plus mental health or physical health or both costs at some point. Those costs have consequences that play out across a lifetime. And this costs and its consequence is that though my parents figured out how to become fiscally savvy, responsible, and astute with what they’ve generated, yet they never learned how to create, manage, and grow wealth from that. So though they “made it” and it will hopefully cover their needs and basic desires to support and share in small one-off ways with extended family or those less fortunate back home across their remaining lifetimes, they haven’t “made it” in a way that is transformative. Their efforts will die with them.
I used to be a very very very angry teen, and twenty something, because I sensed and knew this even before I could articulate it, or understand all the reasons why and how. (Decades later, and only most recently now in my forties have I been able to begin reckoning with and validating this reality.) In any case this anger in part propelled me through my education and the professional chances that have advance me forward and poised me to begin to build something lasting for myself and that I hope unlike my parents I will be able to deliberately redirect wealth through (AND gather others to teach better than I ever could wealth creation, management, and transmission).
I share all this to say. You might be confusing your envy and jealousy with anger, or it could all be mixed up together in a lovely ménage a trios. :). Like anger often reveals other hurts and feelings beneath it, perhaps your envy and jealousy have secrets to tell you. Befriend yourself, be gentle and patient. Be willing to take on the role of re-parenting yourself as you now can in ways your elders were and maybe are still not able to now. In doing so you will find a wellspring of appreciation, gratitude, respect, and pride in and for your own experiences.
PART 2
One tool that might help, cultivating a mindfulness meditation practice. I study and practice this and am hoping to deepen my understanding of offering this as a tool from a trauma-informed and sensitive approach. Not enough teachers or programs are out there that provide this in my opinion. The power of being aware of what’s going on with you letting it pass and bring your attention back to where you wish to place it is powerful. You are not practicing this to change, suppress, or bypass, what you feel or what you are experiencing. You practice to bring curiosity and a willingness to simply notice, and be a witness to yourself. In witnessing your thoughts, your emotions, and everything about you with gentleness, precision, and a willingness to let go, you find that great compassion and kindness arises. And in being able to give this to yourself, you’ll find it easier and easier to extend it to those around you. Give yourself a few months of practicing this before taking on anything else that I offer below.
The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness https://a.co/d/7jVnUp0
How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind https://a.co/d/8aPsYRu
The next thing I’d like to offer, is that once you’re able to hopefully slow down and ease up or cease vilifying yourself for your envy and jealousy. And these emotions begin to fade, transform, shift, or reveal other things, consider the conversations you might want to have with yourself and with your boyfriend about the dynamics of your relationship. Make sure that while you are busy building your kingdom, the care and respect for your intelligence, work ethic, time, talents, and frugality in managing your finances and resources in ways that further your goals and yourself are consistently being respected. There are no hard and fast rules to this. Yet open and honest conversation is the most powerful tool between two humans who respect, trust, appreciate, and love each other. Here is something else to help with those conversations.
I share this having learned the hard way, that there are horrifying imbalances still codified into law that disadvantage women in marriage. Stuff from the 1800s or earlier that are still on the books in North East United States. I also share this because aside from this, there are things in couple dynamics that can erode the most powerful bonds in a strong duo & loving healthy relationship, that if never discussed will do their damage and take their toll. Create the life you want, intentionally, rather than living out the autopilot of both of your histories.
Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home https://a.co/d/eDhsgd2
Hello again KA!
The is the last bit of what I tried to share this morning. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to post everything all at once, and was lucky enough to not loose everything I typed…so here’s hoping that most of this reaches you & resonates. (Sorry for the typos, was fighting off pre-breakfast “hangries” while holding on to my trains of thought that was most relevant to share.)
PART 3
The last few things are my the pragmatic tools for navigating through your feelings, thoughts, and strategies around money. Where you are now (studying & building) is not where you’ll always be. You will be in a position to create from stability and security too. Yet you must define these for yourself (rather than from your boyfriend’s or any other wealthy person’s histories or present traps). And you may need to redefine these again for yourself at various points in your life as you change, grow and evolve.
This one has been my favorite since my teens – Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence: Fully Revised and Updated for 2018 https://a.co/d/ipRNkRh
Cashing Out: Win the Wealth Game by Walking Away https://a.co/d/jdgtp7Y
Last but not least, I just want to acknowledge that I see you. I see my own struggles in you even though they may not have manifested as jealousy for me, the did in other ways, and they did for one of my siblings.
The global scale game of impoverishing one group or region, that gets repeated on a local level is ages old. Had my parents been as savvy at speaking to us transparently about these things when we were quite young, and as we were growing up in the economically privileged environments they chose to raise us in for better opportunities, had they been attentive to the harms of these environments and had adequate capacity between them to truly care for us while they were reaching for the “US American Dream” our family would likely be closer, healthier, and stronger. Our priorities would be better aligned and more unified to ensure that what my parents did not learn about wealth, my siblings and I could and would.
Alas Yo-Yo Ma the cellist once jokingly commented in an interview that it takes 3 generations to make an artist, as he shared the plight of his grandparents, and then his parents who immigrated from China to Europe, which then allowed him to study and practice the cello, and how he eventually came to love and choose the cello for himself (not for his family) which then changed everything for him. Each of them had this artistry in them that life and circumstances did not allow expression of in their time. Yet he was the one with the choices and opportunities in his time and place. So too it is your time. And maybe for you and what you choose to become, it might only take 2 generations (your own elders and what they did right to allow you to take the giant leap into the new adventure you are living today.)
So live it well, live it as joyfully and imaginatively, and kindly as you can (and i don’t mean this through material things, though the small & big treats for yourself from time to time are fine. You’re stronger and healthier physically by the way from scratch cooking regular and eating takeaway every once in a while.)
You and I and many others are a consequence of this. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5t5qiKOwYBRSC7vNX4y8g6X544NtpYsb&si=y8JY2UfIJZ-cauGK
This game started in feudal times in Europe, and was taken to a whole new level by globalism & the American take on capitalism. The Chinese take on capitalism borrows from these playbooks. I’m curious about, and am now wondering what my personal expression of these playbooks will be across the second half of my life.
I don’t have solutions yet. However I do know that if we are “lucky” enough to find ourselves in the mixed blessing of living in Western/Northern societies, we have choices that others do not. That being the case, the above doesn’t need to fully define our trajectory or choices or destinies, and our choices can change.
The reality and consequences of deliberate campaigns of impoverishment will always be a valuable and influential lens of truth, but it is does not need to be our personal fate. My hope is that as more and more people are fully and truly educated on the reality and the necessary skills (both the uneducated and the educated folks) that this game also does not have to be our collective fate either.
I vacillate constantly between wanting to do more to shift this for massive amounts of people and communities I might be able to have an impact on, yet knowing I’m still struggling to provide that stable foundation for myself beyond rent, utilities, food, healthcare, and local transit to do so. And then there’s the challenge of navigating, creating, and honoring reasonable boundaries for helping my parents, extended family or friends (when I’m able to and sticking to my “no” when I’m not able to). If I can afford to gift a certain amount of cash or the time it will take to generate it, the I’m all in, but only for that amount. So, I don’t do “loans” with any expectation of receiving ever receiving it back. I just give what a can afford to when I can afford to and do my best to let go of the rest until I can do more.
If I create problems for myself by coming to someone’s rescue because I’ve overextended myself fiscally or physically, and i repeatedly do this then what’s the point? I must hold myself to that boundary or else everything I am doing, have done, and am aiming for to move myself and others forward is a waste, including my parent’s sacrifices.
Hope this all helps and that I didn’t ramble too much.
Be well & I wish you the best in your evolution & growth! ❤️
Hi Daniel,
I am a 18 year old currently in therapy for depression. I am looking for some advice on how to heal properly. I have made a biography of my live together with my therapist and have had a similar letting out by crying incident as you have described. However I still feel like there is way more emotional trauma buried in me. I am a was born with a cleft palate and have had around 17 operations from birth on. As I don’t remember much about them do you think it would be possible that I have buried them inside me as you have described in your healing video? Or could it be that I was too young to even remember them?
I would appreciate your advice.
Also off topic question:
I recently listened to a Joe Rogan experience episode with Jordan Peterson where the former talked about transgenderism being a psychosomatic disease similar to a mass hysteria (for reference: https://spotify.link/Wii0OSfd2Db). Do you have any thoughts on that?
Thank you for your time,
Valentin
Hi V.,
I would definitely think that the body remembers early operations…even if one is too young to remember consciously….
I’m totally swamped with my life to write much more now, but maybe others have things to share!!!
Meanwhile, wishing you only good things on your healing journey!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I remember in one of your videos where you gave your opinions about lending money. How does change when you are in a relationship? What happens when you realise in length of time that your partner is horrible at dealing with money and ends up in debt, and constantly needs financial support? Did you ever have a partner that was like that? What advice would you have to give to people who are involved in a relationship with a person they love, yet constantly puts them in financial stress?
Best,
Greg
good question, Greg…
Well, I haven’t been in that situation myself, but I certainly couldn’t see myself enjoying lending money repeatedly to a partner who’s in bad debt……. It certainly would be a relational turn-off to me — very sad! Maybe others have opinions here…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
So, there is a continuation of this story. I made it clear some time ago to my partner that I will not be able to continue to support her financially. Lately, she told me that she is seeing other men for money.
Now, I know that for many people seeing others is a deal breaker for a relationship, but I feel I have too many common things with her just to break up like this. I really don’t know what to do.
What would you do? What is your opinion about paid sex?
Hey Daniel,
I hope you are doing well and living your best life. I have 2 questions.
I was wondering if you have any advice on how to take care of yourself during the grief process? And how is one supposed to deal with therapeutic transference? Recently, I started seeing a licensed professional counselor, and he is an excellent listener, gentle, and asks me questions that promote self-growth. He is also an older man around my dad’s age. Problem is, I can’t help but wish I had grown up with him as my dad instead of the cold, uncaring, and emotionally distant alcoholic father that I got. I also happened to see my counselor with his daughter out in public, and this caused my longing for him to be my dad to intensify. I know this is transference and this occupies my thoughts so much I can’t focus on my daily tasks.
I also ask about grief, because I recognize that the reason for this transference is rooted in my longing for an emotionally available father. I never had an emotionally available father growing up, and although my dad has finally stopped drinking I still find it hard to connect with him. Logically I know this but I don’t think I have emotionally felt the grief from this yet, so I was wondering how can I best care for myself when the time comes? And again, how should I deal with transference?
Thanks for all you do!
– Sofia
I should also add that I did not seek out a counselor that reminds me of a dad, and I did not choose him specifically. I am able to access counseling services through my university’s health services, and when I signed up for counseling they just assigned me to the first counselor available, which happened to be him.
– Sofia
Hi Sofia
I find your questions both very interesting because I have experienced/struggled with both. Also, I did and do find it hard myself to understand how to find my way through these situations well.
I’ll start with your transference question. When I look back on a similar experience with a therapist as you describe here the first thing that I would do differently was to stop calling it a transference, that is, a complex psychological phenomenon. But I’d rather just call it a crush. Because that’s just what it is. I think that calling it by that mundane word makes it more simple to understand what it actually is.
I suggest this because I think that crushes are not necessarily romantic and sexual. I have a hetero sexuality (although now dormant) but I did have so called girls crushes either.
But what are they?
I think you describe it well. When that spell befalls us we get pretty obsessed with thinking about this person. And at the base of all this stirring up of thoughts, stories, and along with them emotions is a desire to be 100% and unconditionally loved and accepted by that person. And I think you also describe it just right when you say that you feel that this is the same desire that you had towards your father. Which is just a super natural child thing to feel.
My then therapist was a lot younger than yours and only a couple of years older than myself. Therefore, even when I didn’t had sexual desires towards him I was still very distressed when these feelings came up at first because I was afraid of falling in love with my therapist in a romantic way. And that I felt shouldn’t happen. But when I realised that it was actually not a problem to fall in love with my therapist because I could then just simply tell him and end the cooperation I could fully allow these feelings to emanate.
I then realised that I hadn’t done a mistake to feel this way towards my father even when he didn’t do anything to deserve a child’s love and trust. Because I understood that this is simply what children do. It’s a natural thing. Kids attach themselves to their parents emotionally because its their job. It’s nothing that kids chose and it’s nothing that they can stop themselves from doing. It is nothing personal.
The mishandling of the situation, the mistake, if you will, was on my father’s side. He wasn’t up to his parental responsibilities. He failed me.
I understood that what I had done, to attach myself emotionally to my father, was a very healthy, very natural and very normal thing. And it was not that I was unlovable and deserving of protection and care but that my father was simply not up to the task. Very simple.
But this is where kids get confused and then develop a false narrative of self-defamation because they are dependent on their parents and cannot do without.
As kids we are not able to allow ourselves to see the facts when our parents are not fit to love and care for us. Therefore we invent a story of our deficient selves that make up for that. When we get older we begin to think that something is wrong with us because we allowed ourselves to attach ourselves to someone who was neither loving nor trustworthy. And this enhances our impression that something is utterly wrong with us. But there we forget that as the small children that we were we just did what was our job, what was perfectly healthy and sweet.
To open up to someone unhinged and in a positive way.
I think that when we understand that there is nothing more to say or to do with a crush towards a therapist. The phenomena seems simply to be that we found ourselves again in a situation where we feel that we want to allow ourselves to love fully again.
What I learned from one of Daniel’s videos, is, that the fact that therapists open up barely about they’re personal lives makes it easier for us to fill our idea of who they are with our fantasy of what we want them to be. And it is actually this fantasy of ourselves that then attracts our intense loving feelings.
When I look back I did everything right. I accepted my feelings then went back to my therapist to let him know about these feelings. Still the therapy turned out in the end to be very detrimental for me. What happened?
He let me know that he had just the same feelings that is he had such a “parental” crush on me himself. And I know it’s true because I could feel that he had himself attached to me too.
And I think that next to other mistakes that he did this was also a mistake of him. He should have discussed his crush on me in his therapy and they should have decided that he should end the therapeutic relationship with me.
Because, after all, I was paying him to get help from him. But by being under the influence of his longing of healing for his childhood wounds himself he wasn’t fully capable anymore to have only my best interests in his mind.
Anyway, I dealt with these pretty extreme situtation graciously. Back then I didn’t understand that it wasn’t to my benefit that he had gotten involved with me emotionally as well. Now I see it clearly. He should have worked hard to find this level of mutual love, care and intimacy in his marriage in the first place but never in a therapeutic relationship.
I am very proud that despite all the attraction that I had towards him I never allowed myself to forget that this was therapy. And therefore I realised soon that something was off. I understood that it was not about me and what I needed. I began to fight for what I wanted to have out of this therapy and my therapist didn’t like it. I remember very well how he got into his defenses a lot to gaslight me about the truth of my assessement of the situation, that it was not helping me.
But I pushed stronger and stronger for what I wanted from this therapy. And in the end her turned against me and admitted that he had lied to me in the beginning about an important thing regarding my goals for this therapy.
I realised that he had abused my trust from the beginning by holding important information back that would have stopped me to even begin to work with him after only the first sessions.
I was devastated after our last session where I went once more to tell him that I would leave immediately because he had lied to me and that that amongst other things had compromised his capacity to help me.
At the same time I worked through this quickly because I understood that I was a grown up now. Extremely capable of caring for myself and not in need of a father anymore.
Thanks for allowing me the space to share my story with bringing up your question. How do you think about your crush on your therapist now? And what are you planning to do about it? Are you going to talk about your feelings with him?
You will understand by his reaction whether he is really the right therapist for you.
My profound transference was in hindsight very simple . I was “in love” with the sensation of feeling seen, not with the analyst. That feeling of someone finally seeming to attune to and resonate with me was intoxicating because it was mostly absent in my experience with anyone.
Dear Daniel,
I saw your YouTube video about children not owing their parents anything. I’m 27 and living with my parents, who demand me to pay 25% of my paycheck in “rent”. My dad has been on unemployment benefits for 9 years and my mother has been a housewife that hasn’t worked for 25 years.
In your video you mentioned children not being slaves to their parents. To me it feels like I’m their slave, they sabotage my ability to save up and move out of the parental home, especially since my wage isn’t very high to begin with and housing prices are very inflated. They also don’t treat me like a tenant, they are very controlling about where I go to and are “concerned” I’m not saving when I spend some of my own paycheck. Whenever I try to discuss this I get shamed for being obsessed with money, greedy and ungrateful. My parents are insulted by pointing out the fact that the reason they can’t get by is because they both don’t work. My sister and brother also give them about 25% of their paycheck but they don’t protest, so my parents also use that against me to make it seem like I’m the selfish one. My dad claims he can’t work anymore because he has diabetes so my mom acts like I’m a bad person for not “helping” my dad out financially.
Is it really normal for parents to charge their children “rent”? Or is this about parents leeching of their kids?
It clearly sounds like they’re using you. I don’t think diabetes is a valid excuse to not work since many people with the condition hold down jobs. And it doesn’t sound like your mom has anything preventing her from getting a job save for not working for the past 25 years. (Some potential employers won’t hire people with large gaps in their employment history.)
You mentioned that your siblings also pay their “share” of the rent. Is it possible for you guys to pool your money together until you all can move out and share an apartment away from your parents?
ssrr88’s idea is great. I also think you should move out. Parents should not charge their children for something like a warm home. It’s their responsibility to provide such basic need. If your father is not bedridden and doesn’t need constant attention, then your mother has no excuse to not look for a job. The fact she wasn’t even willing to find a part-time job is concerning as well, but maybe your father had that idea in his head that “a successful man should pay for his woman”, and that contributed to it.
How are your siblings feeling about it? Are they okay with what your parents are doing? Sometimes things happen and people struggle financially, but if that’s been going on for years and they did not do anything about it, then you and your siblings are not ones to blame. And especially to pay for it.
Help is help, but that is sadly not that. It’s just enabling them to do whatever they want. Talk to your siblings, just make sure to not be too emotional as that might be taken as acting out.
Hey Danial, thank you for saving my life. My mother is a narcissist. I took both the trauma and narcissistic behaviors from her. If it wasn’t for your videos, I would have never known that. Maybe I would but it would have taken me several more heartbreak and deep hopelessness. Thank you for your videos.they serve as reminders. They give me strength to face a troubled world knowing I’m not crazy or alone. My life has began and I’m so grateful for it. Living as a narcissist was hell. I always fear I would lose this progress. That’s something I would love for you to touch on. I always have this fear that I might forget again about how poorly I was treated as a child. I’m scared to lose this light inside me and live in the darkness again. Did you ever feel like that?
Hi Daniel. Love your work.
What’s your opinion on dating apps? And even paying for paid subscriptions on these apps?
I volunteer at a charity shop and study a degree with online university. I have a little amount of friends therefore there isn’t much opportunities to meet a potential partner. This means I have resorted to dating apps in the past to meet someone, and on occasion I have.
Just wanted to hear your take
Thanks
Hi Daniel, I hope you are having a lovely day today. I just had a quick question. After months now of looking deep within myself and going down this path of deep emotional healing, I’m starting to think back to how I actually feel about my parents growing up. And a question I just can’t find the answer to is: should we be grateful to our parents? We were all born without consent, and having loving parents in a stable environment I feel all fall under the responsibilities that come with having children in the first place. Should I be externally “indebted” or grateful to the people who’s job it was to take care of me to the best of their ability regardless?
Hi JB — sorry to be brief (I’m totally swamped with other stuff), but I actually made a video more or less on the topic you mention: https://youtu.be/B1SQtXLl7qQ
(What do children owe their parents?)
Hope you find this useful!!!
Daniel
Salutations, Mr. Mackler!
I stumbled upon your channel when I was looking for a therapist. Immediately, I subscribed. I love your channel and the videos that you make. I understand that you no longer practice psychotherapy but I want your advice. To put it simply, how can you live freely, especially when breaking away from family? I do not hate my family. However, as a Black homosexual who was raised in a religious upbringing, I understand the role religion plays in my family. James Baldwin said it best when describing the Church as a source of liberation and oppression. To some extent, I do indeed believe in God (my belief in God and in general my religious beliefs conflict with the religious ideologies I grew up with). But, as I’ve gotten older, the more comfortable I am with my sexuality, the more it conflicts with my family’s beliefs. My family is not a horrible person. They are humans like myself. Yet, in order to live freely as a homosexual, I have to break away from them. Despite my need to live freely, I am currently having a hard time. I have yet to find secure employment and due to rising rent costs, I have to live with my family. Because of my fear of being kicked out and living in the streets as a result, I am not “out” to them yet with the exception of my sibling. Do you have any advice? Thank you very much!
Hello BelovedJoy —
Hmm…it does sound like living with your family is not a very healthy situation for you!!!!! I think the key is figuring out a healthy exit strategy — one that is stable and allows you a live a healthier and more honest life. Definitely becoming homeless is a terrible option, so avoiding that, even if it means staying in the closet for a while, is probably a lot better!! Wishing you the best — and hoping you can find some gentle, stable employment — Daniel
Thank you!
Dear Daniel,
Just discovered you on YouTube and have had that experience of “meeting” a person that thinks like me! (for once)
Its great and rarely, if ever, have i experienced that. Its a fine reward for making it to age 72 and signals progress.
Thank You, young man, for being you. Just last week i remember thinking there are people like me somewhere…
Now i know more who i, a weirdo, according to my mom, am.
And i like me better now, after watching you.
sincerely,
patricia
Thank you Patricia!!
Very lovely!!! Wishing you the best, and sending you good vibes!!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I recently saw some news about a mother who apparently experienced post-partum psychosis and murdered her children and then attempted to take her own life. It made me think about post-partum depression and other mental health issues that occur to mothers after pregnancy… I’m sure a lot of it is genuinely hormonal after childbirth but an act this extreme really made me wonder if early childhood trauma in the mother plays a role in any way to result in such extreme acting out, but I’m rather ignorant of the biochemical aftermaths of childbirth and it’s always made me antsy about jumping to conclusions. I just remembered your video on psychosis being a product of extreme early childhood trauma and it makes me wonder if childbirth brings up post-traumatic memories and reactions in some mothers from their own infancy that could possibly lead to such acts? (I have heard of parents who become more aware of their own childhood trauma right after becoming parents themselves, which may or may not be related…) I do wonder what your thoughts would be on the subject!
Kind regards,
Kai
I’d say that “biochemical” has little, if anything, to do with murder after childbirth. It is much more likely that some major unresolved trauma is trying to surface and instead of allowing the trauma to become conscious, the individual murders the source of the threat of consciousness.
I’d say “biochemical” could actually have a lot to do with a murder after childbirth. As a person who experiences very bad symptoms of PMS before period I can only imagine how terrible postpartum depression could be. Especially for someone who already experienced other mental health issues before that. The thing in my opinion is that we never know what was exactly happening in someones’ life prior to pregnancy and even way before that. Unresolved trauma for sure could play a big factor in that, but what I mean is is that it could be a mix of really anything and we’ll never know for sure as outsiders. It’s easy to judge acts like that, and I am not trying to justify anything, but we need to remember that we just don’t know anything for sure and everything we say about the case are only “ifs”. Maybe the person didn’t want the kid to begin with? Maybe they were made by the society to follow the “typical” path that really didn’t lined up with that person’s soul. All we know for sure is that things weren’t exactly all happy and good for that person, hence the extreme act. So that, plus other issues could end up being a story like that. As I said again, it’s easy to judge and guess but we’ll never know for sure. It’s just more sad than anything that something like that happened and will happen in the future again.
Thank you for responding!
Yeah, there may be many factors involved in the execution of such a heinous act.
It is difficult to not be judgmental towards a system that pushes biochemical causes to make money and a society that encourages superficial solutions to deep structure challenges and thereby perpetuating a lack of consciousness and, ultimately the hopeless cycle just continues.
Hey Daniel,
I’ve been struggling on finding my why. After having gone through the realization of my trauma, the self-discovery journey, the cutting people out, living healthier and healing those old wounds, I feel aimless and I’m having trouble feeling the value of a lot of things in life. Though I see people extrapulating value from their interactions, things, contributions and jobs I can’t seem to feel the same way. I don’t want to diminish the value other people find in their lives, I just can’t seem to feel it myself.
I get that self-actualization is supposedly part of the journey, but I can’t really find the point in it. Lets say I can build a giant company worth millions..whats the point? I can’t take the money with me, it doesn’t actually fulfill me because I don’t need much. Using that money to help others often seems pointless because most of the services given to those less fortunate don’t seem to improve their lives, they’re often bandaid fixes. So, money is not motivating. Opportunities for status come around but feel completely hollow. I’ve sort of lost my desire to produce anything (though i am because I do have to eat) because the world seems to be filled with such excess, I don’t like the feeling of just creating more X. thought about moving out into the country and living raising animals and vegetables but something rings kind of pointless in that too. I’ve thought about just devoting all my work to others but I am worried that doing that will feel pointless too, for various reasons. This is all very alienating, self-centered and I’m sure toxic to those around me yet, I can’t shake it or find anyone that understands what I’m saying.
Have you had this experience before or know someone who has? How did you come out of it, what helped? Do you have a why, does it change and how did you find it? Have you found other people that feel this way, if so, where did you find them?
Thanks for your videos. I’m going to dive back into your book Trauma to Enlightenment though I might need to email your office for another link. I got it back in may.
Best,
Jen
Hi there,
I hope I’m not overstepping but It sounds too me like you’re depressed. The only advice I can give is, try to remember something you truly enjoyed or even loved as a child or young adult. A hobby, be it photography, art or something creative that you were good at and go for that. Go for the light, focus on the positive aspects of your life and all you have to be grateful for. That’s your “why”.
Sincerely,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
No, you’re not overstepping. Its a question published through an online medium, though I believe it’s dangerous to diagnose people based on a few sentences.
It could be possible I suffer from depression but, that depression might just be born out of the thought and feeling I don’t have a why.
I see you have good intentions however, if just telling someone they are living to do hobbies were enough to actually help people, the world wouldn’t have problems would it?
I do currently have hobbies; raising animals, gardening, semi self sufficient gardening, painting, drawing. I also hike in the mountains daily, run a business, practice charity, engage in religion and groups. As I mentioned before, though perhaps not as succinctly as I’d like, those do not fill me with any feeling of meaning. They are all short events of a larger life that seems to lack reason or meaning.
Thank you for the thoughts I do feel it was well intentioned.
Hi Jen,
Do you derive joy from your hobbies, or is it something you do just to fill your time? Are there experiences/things/people/events in this world that bring you joy or meaning? Is the business you run something you are passionate about?
I think life is meant to be lived to its fullest, make the most out of every day you have, share experiences with others. Even just simple things like conversing with a cashier. There are beautiful small moments (and sometimes big ones too) in every day. Not every day will be so beautiful, some days are incredibly hard, and periods of life that are filled with pain. But part of truly living is experiencing all the bad and all the good. One thing we all have in common is that we all die. When you are on your deathbed, and you look back at your life, what do you want to have been content with doing/experiencing? Traveling, building things, helping others, or something else entirely?
Personally, for me, meaning comes from helping other people. Helping others can cause a ripple effect, and create more positive change. You don’t even have to help people in big extravagant ways. Teaching, listening, volunteering, or just helping someone in any way spontaneously when life provides the opportunity are all ways of helping. For example, once I helped a stranger try to jumpstart her car, I had jumper cables and she approached me while I was driving asking for help. I had the cables, but I didn’t know how to use them at the time (I had just started driving), and this happened on a university campus and a campus employee overheard us trying to figure things out and taught us how to use the jumper cables. Her car ended up never starting, it had issues besides the battery, but it was a moment where I was able to offer support to someone I didn’t even know, and then we were supported by the campus employee who provided us with valuable knowledge.
Another time in college, a professor went out of her way to help me learn statistics (I’m terrible at math). Throughout the whole semester she helped me, despite her being a graduate student herself and having many other commitments, she helped me and nurtured my learning. I’ll never forget that and it’s meaningful to me that she cared so much.
Meaning can also be found in small things that bring you joy, like eating your favorite food.
All that to say, I think meaning comes from helping others and building connections/relationships with others. Because the material things in this world truly do not matter in the grand scheme of things, but our connections with others (and with ourselves) are more valuable because the impact others can have on you and vice versa can be profound. When someone we love dies, we carry their memory until we die. Also, I think learning and growing as much as possible before we die is meaningful. Another thing; creating art just for the sake of creating can also feel meaningful.
If you haven’t already, I recommend reflecting on your life and try to recall any profound experiences you’ve had, moments where you felt great joy, or moments where you found even an inkling of meaning in something, and explore that to see what you can do in the present to feel some meaning.
Depression can make everything feel meaningless, or cause you to feel a lack of joy, the things you once enjoyed don’t feel enjoyable anymore, and can cause a huge lack of motivation (I’m speaking from experience). Not saying you have depression, but you should just be aware if you notice these symptoms in yourself.
If you do feel like the things you once enjoyed are no longer enjoyable, you should explore that too.
If no one has told you, your life is valuable regardless of your income or contributions to this world. The feelings you have can be very isolating but remember you matter and you deserve to find your why.
I’m sorry I couldn’t offer better advice, I used to feel very similarly to you but so much has changed since then I’m not even sure how I stopped feeling that way. I do still struggle with loss of motivation and loss of joy (or any positive emotion) on some days but much much less than what it used to be.
I hope you discover your why.
Wishing you all the best,
Gabby
Hi gabby,
Between you and Brian (above) suggesting depression as a cause I decided to take some time to think on this before replying.
I definitely feel depressed. My life situation is unsatisfying. I’m not living a life that’s true to my core being. While I do enjoy my hobbies, learning, helping people, etc. Its my overall existence that needs to change.
Im trying to find the reality that feels true to myself. I haven’t found that yet. I have inklings that are riddled with uncertainty and the fear of making irreparable decisions. That’s life though, isn’t it.
I appreciate your comment and desire to help a stranger. That’s awesome. Thank you.
Jen, I love your determination to get at the truth of your existence.
I ask myself, “Do you want Easy St. or Hardship Hwy.?” when I feel the extreme tension of being completely truthful (at least as truth as I can be in that moment).
Such a poignant and perfect question.
We don’t encourage asking “WHY?” nearly enough.
“Why” is dangerous to status quo, to our own stability even.
However, if one want to grow then the “whys” must be asked.
For myself, it is all about spiritual reality/truth. I find this passage from the Baha’i Faith to be particularly compelling: “Turn thy sight unto thyself that thou mayest find Me standing within thee.”
Hey Jen,
I understand what you are going through because I am going through a similar experience myself.
I would suggest that you will probably need to create a job for yourself that:
1) Can give you enough to eat
2) Provides truthful, grounded value. (food, shelter, health)
3) Fits with society
4) Keeps you connected to yourself
It is really hard to fit all of them. When you mention “thought about moving out into the country and living raising animals and vegetables but something rings kind of pointless in that too. ” you feel that way because we do have inherent social needs that that sort of life will lack. When you say “I’ve thought about just devoting all my work to others but I am worried that doing that will feel pointless too, for various reasons. ” it is correct in you assumption that all should not be just about others. You must find something that keeps you truly in contact with yourself.
Since you seem to have an entrepreneurial mindset, i’d suggest thinking a lot on how would the organizations that provide important things (you should define those, like shelter and food. they should feel truly valuable) look like in an enlightened world. How would the business operate? How would employees relate between each other? How would the company treat its members and clients? I’d say the future of big corps is non-profit. In 100 years, big tech companies might be foundations, with many federated systems to avoid centralization, which brings many issues.
Our crisis is a great opportunity. Make sure to explore these things now because when the dark veil lifts the time of enlightenment will be mostly up.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank You Daniel.
I am finally able to understand the root cause of all my complex issues/ traumas, and more importantly now I understand the level of trauma I was inflicting on my kids and the immediate need to stop the harm. I would like to request that you create a video to guide parents such as myself on how to help repair the damage done thus far before it’s too late. What is the best way to help my kids ages 8-12 heal from the trauma I have unconsciously caused? Thank you
Hi Daniel,
I discovered your youtube channel just a few days ago and I’ve now watched several of your videos (which are excellent by the way) about trauma and the healing process, and how there are varioius barriers to that. It’s as if there are systems in place to prevent people from healing.
It seems to me that there is a parallel between the grieving/healing process and the “waking up” process. I am interested in what many people label “conspiracy theories” and from my point of view there are systems in place to give people a particular view of reality in all sorts of areas and in all sorts of ways. And when somebody questions a particular aspect of this worldview – whether it’s the narrative about a particular event or the received wisdom about a certain industry or whatever – often that person is mocked, ridiculed, ostracised or these days “cancelled”. In many cases it doesn’t even matter whether everything that person says is factual or that what they are arguing against is objectively false or morally wrong.
It seems like there is a widespread denial of reality going on, or denial of the falseness of the authorised narratives we are being spoonfed, in much the same way that there is a denial of trauma and the need for healing/grieving. And the actions that are the result of such denial are often similar too e.g. anger at the messenger or wayshower and/or some form of abuse of that person.
Anyway, I’d just like to hear what you think about that. Are these just similar dynamics or are they different manifestations of the same thing? Maybe you could make a video about it, or maybe you already have (in which case I’d appreciate it if you could post a link or a title or something.)
All the best
Matthew
Daniel please I need to talk to you. You’re past experiences perfectly mirror my current one. You can record the phone call/video chat and share it on your channel to help others. Ill pay for your time, whatever… Ill do anything to talk to you man.
just to summarize. Im autistic and your relationship with your parents perfectly mirrors the relationship with my girlfriend who has serious parental trauma issues. She is in complete denial of how she is responsible for my mental health decline and her fragile ego has created an impenetrable barrier that has completely closed her mind off to the possibility of having any accountability for anything. Her own family acknowledges this and her own sister understands and agrees with me but says that even she cant get through to her on anything either so even her own sister cant help change her perceptions of herself. Ive left about 4 times but the depression of not seeing my family is worse than staying. Every time Ive left, shes wanted me back but done everything spiteful in her power to make it as hard as possible on me so I will come back and I always have to. Its not even a choice, I just do it because I know I have to see be with my kids. I dont believe shes got a malicious bone in her body. She is a good person but shes diluted and in denial and isnt able to see when shes wrong or that what shes doing is so horrible.
her perception is that everything she does/says is 100% justified. That’s her reality. So no matter how horrible she acts, shes always right and anyone who says otherwise is wrong by default. If her behaviour is undeniably bad, she will perform mental gymnastics to fabricate (and believe 100%) that it is someone else’s fault that made her act that way. Then she only talks about these things with people that she knows will take her side and reinforce her denial and defend her behaviour which only strengthens these delusions. I have hope for her as long as I know shes not being intentionally malicious and doesnt know the wrong shes doing. Shes also agreed to counselling and has SLLOOOWWWLLLYY started to admit to some minor negative behaviour traits which is actually huge progress, but actually getting her there is basically impossible. I cant leave because I havent given up on her and I need to be near my kids every day or else I become suicidal. But this is a horribly unhealthy person to live with as an autistic person. Any time I tell her about my needs as an autistic person, she agrees and then makes no change whatsoever, then I ask harder and she agrees again but doesnt change anything, then I get angry and resentful and more aggressive and my requests have become demands and then she acts like “do you see how you talk to me? you are the problem” Im so lost and dont know what to do. You’ve already made it to the other side. I need to talk to you! I need help and nobody understand. you understand. please help me!!!!
Your videos have hit me so powerfully. I always knew something was askew in my family dynamic, but I always believed my shortcomings and failures were the reasons for it. I convinced myself that I was so crazy that I was obviously misinterpreting reality. My mother gaslit me constantly, invalidated my feelings for any reason (being too excited, talking to much/little, fidgeting, slouching, putting my hand on my hips, shifting my weight, etc. etc. etc.).
Ive been self harming as early as I remember. First it was food, then cigarettes, then for a year I was cutting my thighs, then for the last ten years or so Ive been shutting down my emotion with vape and weed. During the time of my cutting I remember breiefly going to a therapist and my mother warning me that I better not come out of their blaming the mother like all psychologist did. I did every mental gymnastic in my head to spare her that grief while I was slowly killing myself.
Ive only recently realized how much trauma I actually experienced on a daily basis. To this day she cannot stop her invalidating behavior. Unfortunately, due to the chaos of my mind, the intense shame I feel daily, I am back living under her roof. I am broke and have no motivation to do much. But Im working on getting a job and planning to be independent and try to heal.
Id like to know what can someone do to start feeling alive after years white knuckling life? Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster for all 29 years of my life. I dont know what “normal” is or how to live a life that is not comprised of coping mechanisms. Ive let all my friends fall to the wayside or pushed them away. I have no one to confide in.
How can I start building a life worth living? I know theres hope, but I feel like theres so many giant obstacles that I cant overcome on my own, but I have no clue how to get anyone to help.
Anyways, thank you for your wonderful videos, they are very informative.
Welcome Yael!!
And thank you.
I’m really wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi. You’re very brave and exactly right in having hope. There is hope. Is there a possibility that any of your old friends would be open to reconnect? People can do bad things to each other when they themselves are hurting, yet in my experience friends I pushed back when I was younger never judged me for it when I was able and willing to try again.
I’m not sure of where you live, but is there any kind of workshop or small community, maybe through social work, that you could have routine participation in? That was a key piece for me and for my healing process. Therapy never did too much but having a place to go and be myself and learn skills for self-acceptance, having people to confide in and vice-versa did wonders for my feeling of self-worth. Trying new things, learning new skills, creating art… I’m still working on stuff around this area of my life but the biggest lesson for me has been that loneliness and feelings of isolation, being trapped and not knowing how to get out while thinking you have to do it all by yourself can truly kill you. And in my experience when you can find people that listen and appreciate you for who you are, it can lead to a new perspective and seeing beauty where before you saw none. Lightening the load and being able to see new solutions is essential, toughing it out rarely works (though of course it does take a lot of work and in the words of Daniel; it can feel like hell).
I wish you the best and I’m rooting for you.
Moving away from a toxic environment is the only way forward in my experience.. If you have no money or qualitifcations, you can go to a kibbutz or do other voluntarily jobs that give you housing and food. Just google it: working abroad etc .This may be scary but there are ways out and forward. Please consider this .and I am with you in spirit .
I don’t know where to live either. You have to be in Israel to live on a Kibbutz and most people aren’t there. Then there’s WWOFF but most quarters in these places are marginal best and you are there to work. It not like being home. Moral of the story, find a home when you are young or your childhood home will be your last one. Not a good risk
Daniel, I would be very curious if you could give your thoughts someday about people who have clear memories going back to very early childhood and maybe the effects that has on our later lives. You spend enough time as a psychotherapist to have at least some sense of the differences between people with crisp memories of very early childhood and those that do not.
I am talking about memories going back to well before 1 year old. I know in my case I have clear memories of learning how to walk which my mother said was 9 months, of climbing out of my crib, I remember blowing out the candle on my first birthday cake and even what I saw outside the window my highchair was near. I even have a memory though not as clear, of my father’s stubbled cheek when I was perhaps only a month or so old, I am sure I was a swaddled infant at the time, and I am also pretty sure he dropped me that day.
Do you think there is a difference in people who retain such memories? I mean so much of very early child development is traumatic, just the frustrations of having crying as your only form of communication has to be akin to stroke victims that cannot communicate verbally any longer. Is forgetting a defense mechanism? Or, just humans wiping away “disc space” once things get interesting for them?
Hi Mark,
Well, the first thing is that probably my experience as a psychotherapist was less important to me in this regard than my own personal experiences of memories. I have some very early memories like yours that I just somehow trust deeply to be true. For example, I remember having my diapers changed by my father when I was probably around nine months old or less — a gentle expereince. I also remember a few other things like this. And then there are things that happened much later that I blocked out, and know I blocked out because I was later told they happened by credible people and I simply have no recall of them. To have more confidence in a memory, I think it’s just a question of trusting one’s own gut — and I think when others share their memories of early childhood all I can do is trust my gut — regarding their sincerity. Some people, when they talk about early memories, I just trust them… But others, well, no. For instance, I know one psychotherapist who used to very grandiosely (and with seeming total confidence) talk about remembering being born, and coming through the birth canal. Personally I think he didn’t remember it, and was just fantasizing having remembered it. (He also said a lot of other bullshit, even lies, so that added to the context for me.) I, meanwhile, have some relatively early childhood memories that I don’t totally trust — mostly because there are also photos of those memories, and maybe, perhaps, I’m just remembering the photos. But are all my memories still in there somewhere? Perhaps…. I would wager that they are…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
The photo’s may just jolt the memory. It doesn’t mean they are not valid memories but a reminder to the memory. Just because YOU don’t remember being born, doesn’t mean that others who do are lying. Many of my early life memories came forward while meditating. I remember being born and my thoughts around it. I remember being in the womb and I remember experiences before I was born in this body. You dismissing this comes across as being closed and having preconceived ideas. I had a NDE at 23 and since dream things that are going to happen. These are events in my own day to day life ( often in unfamiliar settings) but also from time to time about global events. I am not looking for recognition of these ( I have no website or youtube channel). However, I think it’s time people and especially professionals in psychology would benefit if they were open to things we can’t proof or explain. I understand that I know nothing much. but it seems that nor do you.
Hey Daniel, found you on YouTube a few days ago. A video I watched tonight led me here. Thanks for making your content. I hope you’re in a good place with your journey.
I spent the pandemic in various anti-psychiatry spaces online. Currently a codependent relationship with another psych survivor has me trapped in a horrific hospital stay. We’re in week 5 right now. He has about $4 or $5k of my money as well.
Sucks how there are imperfections in the activist movement too. Hurt people hurt people.
Cheers!
Hi Daniel and friends,
I saw a tweet the other day that I found interesting and wanted to know your perspective.
It was along the lines of “Why when u call out terrible people, they start crying. I thought they already knew they were terrible”
Many of the replies were saying that the crying was in an attempt to manipulate the person and gain sympathy.
I felt the tweet in general lacked understanding of said person. But I felt that maybe just stuff being brought up brings up a stress response and that release becomes needed. or just trauma and stuff being brought up that would make someone cry. Maybe it is an attempt to gather sympathy for past trauma. but would like to know y’alls perspectives 🙂
Hi M,
Interesting — well, I guess there could be different reasons for crying for different people. I have known some people who are manipulative to cry “crocodile tears” in situations like that, but I like your suggestion too!! I wonder what others think…
Daniel
Hi, your question struck a chord with me. I do not cry easily; in fact, I would like to at times when I cannot express myself. But if someone close to me (and this happened recently) brings up an emotional point, my tears are very genuine!
“Terrible” people can feel hurt too.
And maybe the behaviors we label as TERRIBLE are a cover for acute vulnerabilities. A defense mechanism, and the trick is to uncover what it is they are defending. Crying in adults, at least when it is not some narcissistic manipulative ploy for sympathy and to regain a lost upper hand, is in my experience what happens when they are forced to face things about themselves they don’t like, they have lost a battle of sorts that their terrible behaviors had been disguising. If you confront a terrible person and what you say is delivered calmly and truthfully then they can choose to be even more evil or they can break down. I mean you just ripped of their band aid. It is more interesting to me why your confrontation was so effective at that. Perhaps they felt you understood them. They like you and that made them trust you to a degree. Or, they just feel the futility of separation from other people. They may be lonely and angry about that but have no idea how to fix it.
But, nearly all the people I know that are just terrible to be around know it and do not care. Confronting them over it can be very dangerous. Very few people who turn out to be very dangerous are perceived in advance to be kind and positive and nice to be around. There are exceptions, Jeffrey Dahmer was often describes as great to be around, very likable. But it seems that was his lure. People who are terrible to be around (and I am a gay left liberal democrat in a deep red county in Florida so there is no shortage of those) I consider too unstable to attempt any personal interactions with beyond the minimum to be civil and polite when in public. I do not wear my politics on my sleeve, nor my sexuality for that matter, but I know some complete fascists who do here. I still manage to have some pleasant interactions with strangers, far more of those than the unpleasant type, but I also am wary. I think it is not good practice to challenge “terrible people” who may as well be a nest of murder hornets. They are terrible, but they also have a right to be who they are.
Hi Daniel. Thank You for defending that child. And yes! Being hit by a parent is worse than being hit by a stranger.
JM.
Agreed!
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you’re aware of John Calhoun’s experiment on rats Universe 25,would be cool if you have an analysis on it on your youtube.
Now from one side it’s very good that younger generations across the globe(especially koreans,chinese,europeans) like millenials and Gen-Z, they are realizing the core issues of this world and they consciously and subconsciously are reducing the fertility rate, they avoid having relationships that don’t fulfill them etc…
Do you agree that there might be another side effect, called the Behavioural Sink ? And that the loner rats trend is not about stabilization of society, but of inevitable decline of population and even with an abundance of food and medical care, the population goes to 0 because of lack of motivation to procreate, even during advanced stages of depopulation?
He also took those young rats with loner habits, he put them into a new environment(without other peers) and they refused to procreate because of the psychological burnout and damage which is permanent. Do you agree this same phenomenom might be happening with humanity these next couple decades? When 2020 lockdowns came, it has been a major acceleration point for depression,suicide,decline in fertility rates… and these trends continue to get worse even after lockdowns regimes, so I sense we have reached peak population earlier than expected and we’re heading into a demographic collapse due this phenomenom of behavioural sink being material in most developed countries. It’s not tangible now, but it will come as a wave hitting hard on societies(think of labour shortage or pension crisis).
I have my own weird theories about it. I believe that Universe 25 is real and happening now, because of the nature of the mind and how a train of thoughts or conditionings lead to a predictable path. So if we just tell all people worldwide to have less children, even for very well intended reasons, this might reinforce the behavioural sink effect. I have many good reasons to think that in the future governments will start to push on having more babies, because their real concern is about the behavioural sink(very material nowadays) will be irreversable.
I even expect fertility cults to emerge later on and being promoted by societies. I don’t know your knowledge of history, but fertility cults(like Mother Goddess/ Magna Mater) were introduced in ancient Rome to counterattack the depopulation pressure due to bad health from lead poisoning (from wine). Also these kind of cults have played out recurrently among ancient societies.
I know all this sounds crazy, but I’m sure there are very intelligent people leading the world (or elites or whatever you want to call them) and they were geniously concerned of the path of the oil age and consummerism during the 1960s that’s when they started to fund all those depopulation studies,because they knew that as population increases with EROI margins of oil are decreasing, that’s a mathematical recipe for disaster. But again, if you tell people to have less children, you would contribute to he behavioural sink among people’s psychology, also deflationary pressures in the economies(present since the 1970s, but the debt model was introduced and has masked the inefficiencies of decreasing EROI of oil until now, but we’ve now reached peak credit, so that’s why energy crisis and depopulation are the hot topic of this decade).
Sorry if I wrote it too long, I could talk for hours but all these topics are connected. I just want to know how would you deal avoiding that behavioural sink which is more and more prevalent among the global society. It’s true that the argument of reducing childhood trauma of bad relationships or having less kids, that partially helps having healthier and mature people in the future. But it’s too late or not enough of a solution, because depopulation/deflation act as a spiral(and this time globally,first time in human history due to the interconnectedness of societies since the oil age and mass urbanizations) and there will be needed some artificial or forced solution from governments in forcing people to have children(let’s say from the 2030s).
Hi Dominic,
Thanks for the idea. Someone else mentioned Universe 25 to be some months ago and suggested it for a video topic, and I looked into it and I found it interesting, but I have gotten waylaid with so many other things that I haven’t studied it enough yet to feel like I have something worthy to say… But I will study it — though probably not for a bit of time…still too busy with other things!!! But thank you for bringing it up again!!
All the best,
Daniel
This is all so interesting and new to me. Thank you so much for sharing along with your own thoughts! I totally agree.
i just read about Universe 25 for the first time after reading your post and i find that experiment to be very fascinating. i guess one could come to the conclusion that it is your duty to reproduce with the someone you find healthy love with. it’s possible that’s what nature intended for evolution.
I have a question about journaling. I would like to start, but I don’t know if I should be reading what I have wrote. How does that work? Do I read what I wrote yesterday, today? Do I need to read what I’ve written before at all? Thanks.
I think there are no rules for how to journal properly. I have some videos on journaling in general on my Youtube channel (if you go to my channel and search for “journaling” or “journal.” But I think the main thing is to follow your heart, to follow your gut, and to experiment. What works for you might not work for someone else, and what works for you today might not work for you tomorrow!!
Daniel
Hello! I bet you hear this all the time but what a miraculous synchronicity it’s been to stumble across your YouTube yesterday abs read this about journals. I have moved around a lot and the one thing that I drag with me everywhere are my journals that go back to the mid 70s. I’ve never, ever read them because I just felt uncomfortable about meeting my past self.
A couple weeks ago I had the strongest feeling that I needed to read them. I ignored that thought until it was overwhelming and I just had to go back and read them.
The jury is still out on what good will come of it, but one thing that stands out is how much I have blamed myself—page after page of “oh, it’s my fault, no wonder he was so mad at me” etc.
But guess what it was NOT my fault then (it’s so obvious!!!) Fifteen year old me was not at fault and I suspect that 61 year old me is probably not at fault today. I’m responsible for the choices but responsibility is different from fault/blame.
That’s what I’ve gotten so far. Thanks for the awesomeness ❤️
Welcome Carla!
I can relate !
Daniel,
Many people are saying that YouTube may be circling the drain due to a lot of their nickel and dime-ing business practices lately.
Do you have any ideas what you could do with your videos if YouTube were to shut down? It may be wise to consider alternatives soon!
Just thought I’d let you know,
– Brian
There’s so much I need to say, through videos. I wish I could say it completely unfiltered, completely bluntly, no matter how spiky the issue I’m talking about. I deleted the videos I had posted here. But I don’t think they were very blunt and to the point anyway. But there’s so much I don’t know about my own family system.
But I have a feeling the only thing that will free me from this feeling of going ABSOLULTELY INSANE recently is to speak completely bluntly about everything. The world is not used to people who speak as bluntly as you do about these topics,
but it’s our job to do it. We are in a unique position where we are standing on the edge between good and evil. We see both. It is our duty to speak out what goes ignored. Maybe I’ll make more videos some day.
‘Good afternoon Daniel,
My son was tested twice for speech impediment. The first time he was tested I believe he was about six in South Mississippi. The second time was in San Angelo, TX about nine. The counselor that tested him met with me in person with my son. I get scattered at times with my thoughts. Please bare with me. She told me that Nic did not have a speech impediment at all. Both sides of Nic’s family had numerous family that stuttered. What this counselor was about to tell me blew my mind and helped me realize a lot more about him. She said that is sounds like to all of us that he is indeed stuttering. However, like his mom at age four Nic’s thoughts race at an incredible speed that we cannot keep up with him. I was floored when she explained what was happening. I have done some research with ADHD and ADD that said the hyperactivity part is not your body alone running around at warp speed.
The counselor explained to me how to help Nic easily overcome what sounded like garble coming out in speaking. So, simple. I was to gently ask Nic to stop for a few seconds to help me communicate with him. Then, I asked him to think about and gather his thoughts slower and breath during this time.
It didn’t take maybe a month or two and his speech communication was so clear that you wouldn’t believe that he ever had speech impediment. I felt so blessed that this counselor was able to actually formulate what was really going on.
His warp speed mind found a different outlet growing up with playing video games and building state of the art computers.
P.S. I agree, My son is 21. And, I see day to day this gen and newbies struggling with talking to another human because most of their communication is via video games.
Thank you for sharing your lifestyle growing up and how it affected you. It helps me relate. I am a loner, introvert mostly, scapegoat, etc. It is very difficult for me to form relationships. I am different from others in many different ways,
Waves from the Mississippi Gulf Coast,
Andrea
Your message tells me that you are kind and intuitive You have a lot to offer this world! 😉
Thank you Pamela!
Daniel
As an experiment, I decided to talk to my mom about various places that we went to when I was growing up. We both remember the locations, but I think we remember different details based on what we value.
The most nostalgic and memorable moments for me was the time I spent with people – visiting family friends and playing with their kids – the coziness and magic of running around outside playing tag. The laughs we shared. Even the adults I remember gave a more cozy and nurturing vibe than my parents did.
My mom on the other hand, I don’t think she would remember those people at all if I didn’t mention their names and jog her memory. “Wow you still remember so and so’s name?” she said. Yeah, because they were amazing.
My mom said “New York is great, if you’re in the US everyone says you have to go to New York.” So for my parents, I get the sense that it’s kind of like crossing something off a bucket list, to show off that you went to a certain place. And my dad seems to place importance on things like museums (I know someone’s gonna come in here and say WOW LOOK AT YOU COMPLAINING THAT YOUR PARENTS TOOK YOU TO A MUSEUM – you’re missing the point.) I remember my mom yelling at me to look up at the fancy buildings in New York – she had her hand firmly around my wrist and I was staring down at the sidewalk. I guess the buildings are cool, but I couldn’t enjoy them for their own sake – I enjoyed the buildings best when I had a friend to run around and have adventures with. Ya feel me? It’s not the buildings, it’s getting to enjoy them with a fellow soul.
I also remember my dad complaining about me one time when we visited those family friends. Making fun of how I loved video games. So even the good moments that I had when we went to family friends seems to be poisoned by my parents.
I felt this hollowness after talking to my mom – a feeling that is very familiar from my childhood.
Well articulated. It is a difficult task to translate the abstract realm of profound feeling and insight (particularly when it is not an encouraged capacity) into concrete words.
Thank you poets!
Hello! First and foremost, thank you very much for your dedication. Congrats on having 100k subs on YouTube! Yay!
I saw your YouTube video. It was helpful to me because my therapist died while I was their patient. They didn’t expect the end to come when it did or as quickly as it did. Unfortunately for me I was kept in the dark till close to the very end. No time to say goodbye or tie up loose ends, or anything else.
They had professional trustees who for whatever reasons didn’t step in until I tracked them down many months later.
I think it’s very hard for a person who is dying to think straight and make the best decisions, and so arrangements should be made well in advance and open conversations need to be had. And also, someone needs to step in to protect the client when things are no longer going in a healthy direction.
I don’t think much consideration is given to the client, who is left to grieve alone, no chance to say goodbye, and their life and treatment is turned upside by a bereavement when they are neither friend or family.
This is a very tragic set of circumstances for all involved, and you can’t prevent a death, but I think you can prevent some of the pain and suffering a therapy client inevitably goes through in the aftermath.
I think it’s very unfortunate because of course a beloved therapist has died, and deep sympathy goes to their loved ones.
The therapy client is a person too..
Hi Daniel. Congrats on passing that 100k subs!
Hello Daniel,
Your insights have been very helpful in making me connect the dots that are needed to progress my own healing journey, so I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom and shared thoughts. I will make sure to donate to you in the near future to show my gratitude.
If you will spare some time for me, I wanted to ask for an advice about forgiveness. Specifically forgiving oneself. I have experienced a lot of childhood trauma and emotional neglect in my family. And I have acknowledged a lot of the roots and behaviors that I have been exhibiting. Now as I look back on my life, I realized that I have harmed a couple of people, by doing to them some of the exact things that have been done to me. Here I am mostly talking about abandonment and lack of commitment and care. I have started my introspective journey just about a year ago, so I know that I am not very far into It, but It has become very challenging for me to both show compassion for myself for what has happened AND to also come to terms that the way I ended up being, has also hurt others. I am not sure how to balance self acceptance with all of the added guilt of my past actions. I have been struggling with taking responsibility for myself and also for what I do to others, since I have very low self-esteem, I don’t trust myself – my judgement and my emotions (since I have learned early on that my emotions and thoughts are always wrong in some way) and I have a hard time believing sometimes that I will ever be able to treat myself and others well. But I still want to grow into a better person and to learn how to cope in healthier ways, without being destructive to myself or others close to me.
Thanks in advance for reading my comment, and I hope you are having an amazing day,
Best wishes,
Jovana
Hi Jovana,
I think the only way to forgive oneself is to keep growing and healing — to work out the root issues that caused one to do the things you feel bad about, and by working this out to no longer do those things… For me it’s been through self-therapy — exhuming my past and grieving my losses from it. I have a self-therapy playlist on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL Maybe there’s something good in there for you? Greetings and best wishes back to you! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a 35 y/o male, dealing with mild depression accompanied with feelings of deep self-loathing. The depression came about after a succession of setbacks in my life, and the self-loathing is primarily being triggered by my involuntary celibacy and the fact that I have never had sex or a girlfriend in my life. I grew up as a very introverted child with poor social skills, focusing on intellectual and creative solitary activities, spending lots of time in school and eventually building a career as a technology professional. I’ve only had a few encounters with women that had the potential to develop into romantic and/or sexual relationships, but none of them came to fruition for a variety of reasons (not the least of which my honesty, straightforwardness, reclusiveness, and lack of interest in shallow social interactions/events/activities). I never really knew how to go about getting laid or developing a romantic relationship, and in many instances I felt the women I was attracted to were not attracted to me. Bottom line, I still have these needs and desires that I don’t know how to satisfy, and it’s making me feel miserable. I hoped that by this age I would have had some experience and be at a point where I can start a family (or at least be able to decide whether I wanted to) but I’m so far behind on all of these fronts that I’m not sure if there’s any hope, i.e., anything positive to look forward to. I keep telling myself I’m an incompetent loser, and the negative self-talk is being exacerbated by other things I perceive as failures on a professional and personal level (when I’m unable to live up to my expectations and make progress towards things that matter to me). I have lots of pent-up frustration and anger, which combined with my general feeling of discontentment, makes it extremely difficult to remain sane and find the will to keep going.
Anyway, since you’re getting bombarded with messages here and there’s probably no other way for me to interact with you on a deeper level, would you consider making a video on this subject? I watched the videos where you talk about celibacy and your personal experiences with relationships, but could you address these topics from (or for) the point of view of someone who is alone against their will and desires?
Thank you for your time.
Best regards,
Parker
Hi Parker,
I would consider making a video on this subject — it might be useful to a lot of people, but I’d really have to think about it first. Sending greetings — and I’m wishing you the best,
Daniel
Thank you, Daniel.
A couple of things for context — I had a turbulent adolescence and often felt alienated, while experiencing pressure to conform to society and my parents’ expectations. They pushed me to be an overachiever, and I willingly took on the challenge, as it was the only thing I was able to derive my self-esteem from. My relationship with my parents sort of crumbled when I started to individuate and diverge from their idealized image of me, and then I went through a couple of traumatic events during my post-adolescence which made me feel and act in even more dissociative and socially isolating ways.
Regarding relationships, I have always valued deep bonds but often struggled to initiate and maintain them. I am very perceptive and attuned to people’s behaviors and personalities but can get easily overwhelmed by them. There is also the fear of getting hurt or taken advantage of if I allow myself to get very close to someone, which is why I sometimes withdraw or semi-consciously push people away by acting like a jerk in order to maintain a safe distance.
I don’t mind being self-sufficient, but it’s come to a point where I feel quite lonely and uncomfortable in my own skin. My inability to make progress on the “women” front is at the core of this. I’ve ignored it for years at a time, thinking (foolishly) that opportunities will spontaneously manifest and realize themselves. A few years back, I considered paying a friend of a friend to have sex with me (which my friend tried to arrange) but refrained from it due to shame and ethical considerations.
I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, but I have occasionally resorted to binge-eating and porn to alleviate stress and numb my feelings. I contemplated suicide recently, and my rationalization was that if it weren’t for the few people who care about me to one extent or another — and my feeling of responsibility towards them — I’d probably do it. I’m scared I might become truly suicidal if my life keeps moving in the “wrong” direction and I don’t do something radical to change its course, which almost seems like mission impossible at this point in time.
Excuse the lengthy message. Perhaps it will help you consolidate your thoughts to make a video, or help some reader(s) who might relate to my situation or realize they have it much easier in life.
Hi Daniel,
I’m currently finishing my Psychology master’s degree in Poland. I want to become a therapist, and I wonder what kind of therapy you think is best. My current interest is in Young’s Schema Therapy and other from third wave of cognitive-behavioral therapy. What are your thoughts?
Hi Ewa,
Hmm, I’m not sure what is best. I am (or was) most drawn to therapies that looked at the connection between unresolved childhood trauma and adult acting out behavior and other adult problems. But that is me… I think the key for a therapist is to follow their heart and their interests — and to go with their own strengths. Also, when I worked as a therapist I didn’t impose my point of view or my main interest on my clients. Some clients had no interest in looking at their childhoods, and preferred that I work with them in a more CBT-oriented way, so I did. So in that way I learned about a lot of different types of therapy and never had one strict one-size-fits-all approach — and my approach might change with a single client from session to session. I tried to meet their needs for therapy…not my own. Wishing you the best!!! Daniel
Hi Ewa. Where exactly in Poland do you study?
You are a God send to me, as you confirm what I experienced over 10 years with Air Canada, the WCB and the Airline division of CUPE after an extremely close call barely escaping to be blown out of the sky.
I wrote my first book, Broken Wings, in the middle of 10 years of perpetual traumatization by the sources above. I think it saved my sanity.
17 years later I picked up the pen again, knowing I had to, if I wanted to die happily.
My books are meticulously researched, professionally edited and available free on my website nattanya.ca in gratitude to my Creator for having survived relatively unscathed.
You confirmed what I experienced during those horrid years being purposely driven into suicide.
My heart goes out to you in gratitude.
Lots of love,
H. Nattanya Andersen, author
God-Man: The Word Made Flesh (1920 AD) by G.W. Carey and Ines Eudora Perry gives info on why your intestinal/stomach acted up.
Hi Daniel,
I have been struggling so so much. Living is very painful for me. My exterior life is great and I feel so much guilt for feeling the way I do. Antidepressants and psychotherapy have not helped. I am taking the summer to really focus on getting better. What would you recommend I do? I was thinking of an inpatient program, ayahuasca ceremony, or ketamine/MDMA/psilocybin therapy… Im running out of options. What do you suggest I do? I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Hi Nicole,
I’m not sure what to say. If it were me, I’d try things that were less intense and risky than ayahuasca before trying other things. For me, self-therapy was deeply helpful. Also, in my experience most therapists are not good, but some can be excellent…if you can find them.
Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel
I would be interested in getting in touch with some of the people who post on your blogs. Would you be able to help me out?
Hi Dee,
How might I do that easily? There are a few stumbling blocks in this. One is that I can’t give out people’s emails unless they expressly want me to. The other is that I have limited time and energy… The easiest would be if you leave your email or some written version of it (like “name at hotmail.com”) in a post and let them get in touch with you, but I totally understand if you don’t want to do that. Any other ideas? Maybe there’s a different website or forum that you can post where people can safely get in touch with each other in a protected way, with direct messages. Do you know of such a thing? If you could find a place like this I would post it on my website for people who wanted to get connected.
All the best,
Daniel
One idea would be to have a facebook group for instance, where followers of yours can connect and discuss. There is also reddit. It seems like there are really interesting and dynamic people drawn to your work and I think it would be really cool to connect.
Hi Astraea,
I like the ideas, but the problem for me is lack of energy and time. I’m too busy already — and I know what kind of a time commitment projects like these can require! If someone else wanted to do this I’d be curious to observe it unfold, but I definitely couldn’t lead it. But I do wish there were an easy way for people interested in these ideas could connect with one another…
All the best,
Daniel
I have mentioned this before, but I started a Discord server with the purpose of connecting people who are on a healing journey. I don’t know if posting a link will flag this as spam, but if there’s anyone that has a Discord account, here is the invite link:
https://discord.gg/FUSxZ4tS5T
It doesn’t have any members right now, but I’d definitely love to have some of the people in these comments in there.
Hi Daniel, setting up a group is easy, the real work would be in the moderation. For that, I think you’d need a trusted moderator, but that is all that you’d really need to make this happen. I hope one steps forward for you.
Hi Daniel
Thanks for getting back to me. I already tried what you suggested, but Youtube obviously is many steps ahead and their algorithms pick up immediately if you try to disguise contact details. I guess it’s for personal protection, and that is probably a very good thing. I am not comfortable posting on public forums. WHat you wrote about is what I am looking for, a safe place for like-minded people to meet online. Maybe, I should collaborate with you to start something like this? I joined a few forums a while, but they became places for victimized people to vent. I’m looking to start something for good vibrations only. Maybe you can contact me.
Hi Dee,
Ah, yes, youtube’s algorithms. But maybe the Discord option that someone else mentioned on this thread is a good idea. The problem is, I agree what you said — that most forums just turn into venting sessions — or even can become verbally abusive. A really good moderator is necessary, I believe, for a good forum. And that takes time and a lot of energy. Basically, it’s a job — and an intense one. And the problem is that I simply don’t have the time or energy. I wish I had a good solution. -Daniel
Like and agree!!
Hi Nicole, I am well-versed spiritual healing and self-therapy and I’d be happy to chat with you, astraea at starmaiden.tv is my address
Hey Nicole,
None of my business but I’m gonna drop my two internet cents.
I went to a lot of therapists, had horribly abusive relationships and remained in that weird trauma fog until my late 30s. I tried various meds, went into the nutter twice and found a few things that helped.
The first thing was a therapist that only dealt with CPTSD/childhood trauma. That’s all she did. I did some weird tapping thing and held some odd buzzers in my hand while talking about the garbage I experienced as a kid. I thought it was woo woo bullshit but, my patterns of thought started to change subsequently leading to behavioral changes.
I also decided I was going to change. This is the most important thing, I think, to really making a difference in your own life. If you are waking up and doing the exact same thing you’ve been doing for years life won’t change. Does that make sense? To change, you actually do have to do things differently. This means learning self discipline, which I found super f’n hard. But, I quit smoking, quit drinking, stopped all drugs and medications, quit my job, broke up with a toxic boyfriend, ditched crappy friends, moved, started a business, started exercising every other day, etc. NOT all at once. Motivation is a rolling ball. You start one thing and learn to stick to it, then you have more motivation, more momentum to change more things.
Anyways, that’s what helped me. I decided to not do things the way I’d been doing the, for 30+ years. I found a therapist that only worked with CPTSD and I started eating better, exercising, I started taking ownership of my life. Life was no longer something that just happened to me.
Hope that helps.
Daniel, what’s your opinion about the HSP trait? Have you heard something about it? Do you have something to share about it from all your years as a therapist? Regards
Hi Patricio,
Hmm, I’m not sure. I’ve read some about HSP, but I’m not sure what I think of it. So unfortunately I don’t think I have much to add. But feel free to share your point of view on it here! Daniel
I don’t know either, but my estimation is that is some made-up concept, full of shit. Pardon me for my french. My reason to think this way is that most therapist especialized in this trait are women, while most patients are women as well (90-10, 80-20). It’s a kind of sustitute to astrology (more so than psychotherapy itself, that is vaguely based on science, in my estimation).
On other things, I’m happy to have come across you, your videos have been extremely helpful. You made me come to my senses, and for that I am grateful (even though I feel more anxious tham before).
I wish you well
Hello Daniel,
I just recently watched your video on why you quit being a therapist. I am going to start college in a couple months as a psychology major. I’ve always been very interested in the human mind and helping other people so therapy and psychiatry have always been major points of interest for me. After watching your video however I’ve become hesitant in studying in that field. Do you believe theres still merrit into going into this field of work or is it something you wouldnt suggest?
Thank You for your time.
Hi Hassan,
I think psychology is a fascinating subject. The therapy field has its limits, for sure, and psychiatry is quite corrupt, so I think it’s important that if someone has a deep interest in the subject, then it helps if they go into it with more knowledge — with eyes wide open. I still think there’s value in studying it — and certainly the world needs more good clinicians…
Daniel
Hi Daniel. I was systematically bullied during college by hundreds and hundreds of people. Most of these trauma related people all live around my area, and areas near by. I suffer from severe OCD due to my trauma however I’m doing my best to self heal and potentially reduce my obsessions.
My question is, you got away from your situation and people who traumatized me, however in my case, there isn’t an option for this, and my previous therapists advised me and my parents stayed in the same area and I learned to deal with these people in a different way, learn to cope better around them, stand up for myself etc
It’s extremely tough though, I encounter hundreds of people each day that are all linked to heavy trauma I suffered
What do you recommend I do?
Thanks for the wonderful content!
Tom
Hi Tom —
I’m overwhelmed with messages right now, but maybe others have ideas for you?
Wishing you all the best!
Daniel
Tom, stay strong. Life is hard for sure. Sounds like you are doing all the work the difficulty is clear which makes you brave. Are you sure that you cant leave? I am fortunate enough to have the choice to be around who I choose but if I did not, I can’t imagine having the space I really need to fully heal and grieve. If my abuse or abusers were active it would be too much. In some way, even if not geographically, but somehow I would keep my self away. In the worst case scenario I would have to figure out a way to mentally separate if I truly had no other choice. But even then I don’t think we can find the strength to grieve without a community, do you have support outside your parents? Are there others who understand how your environment is another source of trauma? I think if you are going to let go much of this trauma and become more of your true self it’s going to take a network of support including those who are also part of the community.
Hi Paul, thanks so much for the empathetic response, it means a lot. Sadly I live with my parents and claim universal credit whilst volunteering for a charity, therefore I don’t have the financial capacity to be able to get away. My parents don’t want to move, and they don’t totally understand the sheer trauma I suffer/ed. it is very hard I must admit, because I face these people every day. I don’t want to disassociate however sometimes I feel I have to, to be able to get through
Many thanks,
tom
Hey Tom,
I was wondering what you’ve found your meaning of life to be?
Hey Tom,
I’m wondering if you’d be up for some exchange?
First, how is today going for you?
Yes definetely! I’m doing okay thank you
Hi Daniel, I recently saw your video on OCD and I agree with many of your conclusions. I am an expert in this topic and have come to the same realization that many of my compulsions and obsessions derive from childhood trauma. I would just like to emphasize that the gold standard for treatment is ERP for OCD, and I do not see this therapy and healing trauma as mutually exclusive. In fact, during the process of recovery I have found they work synergistically. I don’t believe that every compulsion is a product of trauma however.
It was a good video and I just wanted to add my personal experience and clarify that one distinction. Suffers are unlikely to recover without proper ERP intervention.
Thanks Alexander. I really don’t know so much about ERP. But I have noticed that a couple of folks on that OCD video I put up commented that they felt harmed by ERP. Is that common?
Greetings,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I wanted to start off by saying that I have come across your videos recently and I think that you are helping a lot of people with your insight on various mental health topics. I have pretty severe social anxiety. I have been struggling with it for most of my life (I’m now 25). I have a lot of difficulty working and making friends and I am very isolated and lonely. I was wondering if you had any tips or feedback for someone struggling with social anxiety or if you could potentially make a video about it.
Thanks!
Hi Julia,
I did make one video on the subject: https://youtu.be/_joc4rO17Ls
I wonder if it’s helpful… If not, maybe you have an idea for a better video??
Daniel
Like Daniel, I completely agree that the mental health ‘system’ has it wrong. The National Health Service in the UK works slightly differently than the insurance system in the US, but it is also surprisingly similar. I have been a front line mental health worker for the NHS for the last 5 years and can vouch for the fact that mental health support for some people is a 5 minute medication review with the psychiatrist every few months. Talking therapies are limited. Medication is pushed. I come across a lot of people who are struggling because of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, abuse etc; but these issues often go unaddressed. I was interested in becoming a mental health worker because I had my own mental health issues. I developed complex post traumatic stress disorder,(CPTSD) as a result of narcissistic parenting. I couldn’t find help in the NHS so I did my own research and discovered a therapy called Matrix Reimprinting. If anyone would like to know more about how this therapy can change a person’s life for the better, please read my book – The Lost Child – a story of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, available on Amazon. Free on Kindle Unlimited and £2.99 to download the e-book. – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BW9N8ZHL
Hi Charlie,
The system here in the US sounds very similar. Though, my experience is that the majority in the mental health field here care, or at one point cared, and had/have altruistic intentions. Only a small few I’ve run into seem to have malevolent intent.
I’ll put the book you mentioned on my reading list, which is really long at the moment. Seems like there is an overwhelming amount of self help books, philosophies, self help courses, meditations, etc. to guide us along the recovery path.
I’ve just started Macklers From Trauma to Enlightenment. The first few questions are pretty intense. Have you read it and worked through it? The next books on my list are The Body Keeps the Score and If You Meet The Buddha on The Road, Kill It by Sheldon Koop.
I’m curious about your journey. Along your path and out of everything you’ve read, watched or done, what has given you the biggest sense of peace?
Best,
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for considering reading my book. I think we’re in an age where the old paradigms of power are falling away. People are realising that people with credentials/experts in the field, do not necessarily know everything. I’ve just finished watching a show on Netflix called ‘Take Care of Maya’ – it really highlights how single minded those high up in the medical profession can be sometimes, with terrible consequences. Of course, it’s not just the medical profession. The same can be said for the justice system, the education system, child protection services etc etc.
I haven’t heard of ‘Macklers From Trauma to Enlightenment’, no. How are you finding it? ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ is a great book. So is ‘Healing the shame that binds you’ by John Bradshaw. But the book I would say that changed my life was ‘The Mythology of self-worth’ by Richard L Franklin. I did the CBT exercises in that book for about a year. The best thing I’ve ever done for my recovery was Matrix –Reimprinting – a trauma therapy that heals childhood trauma wounds. Hope that helps
I’ll see if I can find that documentary on amazon. You might enjoy the documentary The Strangest Village in Britain. It highlights how good care for disabled can be.
I agree the systems we have in place are flawed. However, societal norms change, information changes making it very hard for any nationwide system to keep up. I don’t think they are failures. In most areas we’ve improved. The mental health field used to be atrocious. We had no understanding of mental well being, no therapies or medications to help anyone and just locked people up and starved them. Aa victim of the shitty mental health machine I’m not necessarily advocating for how we do things now, but it does seem better than it was.
I like that people are more Leary of health professionals but there’s a major downside. For example, a cleaning client of mine (I’m a maid) has a swollen and painful cervical lymph node. It’s a classic sig of Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a treatable lymphatic cancer. She’s untrusting of western medicine so, has decided to go to a holistic practitioner which prescribed some vitamins, salt baths and bone broth. She still hasn’t had her blood tested, even at my urging. A lot of people in my town look for alternative care, most of it seemingly garbage and dangerously experimental. But, there is a balance somewhere with integrative care.
Daniel has published several books. You can find them under the books tab. I decided to try his “Trauma To Enlightenment” since my current state of existence has me at a loss for my “why”.
The books you mentioned have been added to the never-ending book list. I’ve been slowing working through Bradshaw “Homecoming”.
I’ve heard of matrix reimprinting but only in passing. Can you elaborate on how it changed you?
I just wish the system would be a little more open minded when they know they don’t have all the answers. For example I know that Matrix Reimprinting has changed my life, but the NHS wall is impenetrable. They say they are interested in movers and shakers and hold regular discussion sessions, but new information just seems to fall down a black hole never to be discussed again.
I think lots of people on the front line are amazing, but I think that the system works against us the whole time. In some ways, things have improved. For example adult social care for vulnerable adults with learning disabilities – has got much better. But children’s MH services much worse. When I was a teenager my GP sent me to a psychiatrist and the referral took days. Now they have to wait months, even if they are actively suicidal or violent.
You’re right. We do need to find a balance. The problem is when we swing from one extreme to the other. I really hope your client gets the treatment she needs quickly. Aggressive cancers are on the rise exponentially atm. Unfortunately, with anything that’s unregulated you’re going to get your charlatans. And with any line of work I think its healthy to assume at least a 1/3 are incompetent, either because they’re frauds or just because they’re lazy or not skilled enough to be charging the money they do. 1/3 are satisfactory, just hustling their way through life. Only a 1/3 are exceptional. But with 2/3 of crap to wade through, sorting the wheat from the chaff isn’t easy!
Matrix Reimprinting is essentially about reconnecting with our wounded inner child. It’s a strange very emotional sometimes crazy making experience. I had no awareness of my inner child until I started to do matrix reimprinting. Gradually I realised that she came out of the shadows a lot, and tried to hijack situations that I struggled to manage as an adult. I guess in a sense my inner child was trying to rescue the adult me. (I know, it sounds crazy right?!)
But of course, it always goes horribly wrong because the child part of us is even less competent than the adult, so it doesn’t feel like rescuing at all. It feels like self-sabotage. It’s just our inner child screaming to be noticed. My inner child was screaming for 40 years before I took any notice. When I finally realised what was really going on, I was no longer angry at her for shaming me and sabotaging me. I apologised to her for ignoring her all this time. First our mum ignored her all the time, then I did. She gradually grew to trust me because I was no longer scolding and insulting her. I was no longer shouting despicable things at her. I was no longer continuing the abuse of my mother, Instead, for the first time ever, I showed tolerance, compassion, patience, understanding, trust, and loyalty. I gradually showed up more as the adult, and reassured her that I got this. She doesn’t need to try to protect me any more. Gradually my inner child stopped hijacking adult situations. We finally merged. Which is what should have happened naturally as part of the maturing process, if I’d had an emotionally healthy upbringing.
I hope that doesn’t sound too whack a doodle do!
I laughed out loud about your 1/3 assessment. It seems a universal statistic. Haha.
What you said about matrix reimprinting makes sense and doesn’t sound whacky at all. It sounds like you were able to identify behaviors and patterns caused by old wounds and address them.
With all the healing you’ve been through, what brought you to Daniels videos and website?
What brought me to this site? Well, working for the NHS has been a frustrating process, to say the lease. I work with many people that are on anti-depressants and/anti-anxiety medication. Many say they don’t work. The talking therapy that is offered to those suffering from historical trauma is very limited both in time, and variety. They follow a protocol that can not be deviated from. So, almost no one knows about matrix-reimprinting, despite it’s high success rate, because the NHS will not endorse it.
I wrote my book to help guide those who have hit a brick wall with the NHS. (Some have even reported that the NHS has told them, ‘sorry, there’s nothing more we can do for you. You’re too traumatised!’ Or, ‘we can’t give you therapy at this stage because it would be too triggering for you’.
I came across a youtube video from Daniel, and just had to respond, because it was so refreshing to hear a MH professional speak so honestly about the flaws in the system. This kind of integrity is so rare! I guess I just wanted to reach out to someone who feels the same way I do.
I imagine it is frustrating. In regards to the frustration, is it the inability to reach more people, the therapies offiered? What do you see as a solution financially and practically?
Well first of all, the NHS would need to change their business practices. i.e be more open minded, and look for answers outside of the pharmaceutical model. However, because of how things are set up, they simply will not do this.
People in the UK need to stop thinking that the NHS is the gold standard, It isn’t. We have been conditioned to only follow the protocol laid out by the NHS because we pay for the NHS in our taxes. People understandably resent having to pay for private therapy, when they’ve already paid for the NHS through their taxes.
I imagine that people in the UK will only look outside of the NHS once it’s become clear that it’s collapsed.
That’s all very understandable. It doesn’t seem like most governments instigate sociocultural change and, one could argue that’s a good thing. It seems like having a the larger majority of populations decide what changes they want, then impose those on government to pass as rules/laws is a fairer way to ensure the changes are indeed wanted by the society as a whole. But, that’s just my opinion and in essence I agree government should adopt ways in which it makes change easier, particularly in the mental health field.
So, I’m curious. After your struggles and triumph over these struggles, what is your meaning in life? What drives you to get up in the morning?
Daniel,
My name is Michelle. I just discovered your YouTube channel a few weeks ago and feel like I am more loving to myself and others after watching each video. There is something about your compassionate, profound self-reflection that helps me feel at ease when working on my own internal shortcomings. May you be at peace and may positive things find their way to you.
Thanks Michelle!!
Hi Daniel,
I’m a 19 Vietnamese student and I first watch your videos a few months ago. Your videos helped me understand what I was and still am going through, I really appreciate them. In the mean time I myself also want to do some non-profit creative contents on the fields of healing from childhood traumas and personal growth and I want to mention a lot of your philosophy, maybe even translating some of your videos into Vietnamese, I’ll be sure to give credit. Is it OK for me to do so?
Hi Quynh,
Greetings. I was in Vietnam (in the north) last year — I loved it! Yes, feel free to use or translate my work however you wish.
All the best,
Daniel
Thank your so much, Daniel
Thank your so much, Daniel
Hello Daniel, I have think your videos are excellent and your philosophy around trauma resonate with me greatly. My question is a long shot, and I know you have criticised the mental health system, but I wondered if you could recommend a good therapist in the North of England?!
Hi Joe —
Alas, I don’t know anyone in the north of England who fits the bill. I’m not really recommending any therapists right now — I’m just rather out of the loop for that!
Daniel
Hi Joe, if it’s childhood trauma you’re looking to recover from, the best therapy I believe is called matrix reimprinting. It’s such a small,field that any matrix reimprinting therapist will most likely have been trained by the leader in the field mark dawson. I would recommend looking for a matrix reimprinting therapist in your area……so much better than what thre NHS have to offer. Good luck!
Hi, I finally put up some of my own videos that bounce off your ideas.
“Icky covert dynamic in my family” (https://youtu.be/TE0tAZOyklc)
“Physical abuse in my family system” (https://youtu.be/KI8QFrAYr_8)
There’s also a few more on my channel, about how school messed me up (very similar to your thoughts on school/teachers).. and also a video about screen addictions and how it stems from neglect.
Apologies for posting so frequently on here.
– Parik
Wishing you the best, Parik!
Hello!!
I just want to thank you a lot for your videos. You are one of the most honest people I have seen, and I had a lot of new insights atching your videos. I am struggling with a lot of things and losses lately, and I think it is because of many traumas I have endured and shut off. Your videos are helping me figure out myself! Thank you again!
RJ-
You’re welcome!
Daniel
Thank you. You are a brave and noble gentleman. I have learned from and appreciated your perspectives and videos. Bravo.
hello Daniel,
thank you for your videos. your philosophy has echoed the truth that i’ve been feeling for years. i’m currently forced to keep my family in my life for some more time as i become financially independent. watching your videos validates my emotions and is helping me get through this difficult time in my life.
love from Texas
Thanks!
Hi Dr. Mackler,
I love your content and can’t wait to read some of your books! I had some questions. If you feel up to responding great, if not, no worries.
Why do some people with CPTSD move so much? Me and many others move constantly and are unable to settle for long periods in one spot. Do you know why?
Is this why you have travelled so much and haven’t settled down? Just going off info from one video, that could no longer apply.
Lastly, how does one get out of this. I’ve been debating moving again (move no.17) and feel conflicted that this move is just a pattern repeat rather than fully conscious decision. Can’t find any literature on this. You seem like a smart guy, maybe you have more insight into these things than I do. ?
Best,
Jen
Hi Jen,
I’m not sure I have any good answers to your question about movement. Maybe other people who will read this message, however, will… As for how to move forward and heal, there are a lot of essays on this website and I have a lot of videos on healing from trauma, and on doing self-therapy. Maybe some will be useful…
Also, by the way — I’m not a doctor. When I was a therapist I wasn’t a doctor either, rather a licensed clinical social worker.
Sending greetings—
Daniel
I’m sorry, with all the books, content, your own practice, and how you speak I just assumed you had a doctorate.
Your content has thus far been very useful, thank you. I appreciate you, thank you.
Thanks Jen — and no need for an apology. The only reason I clarified that I don’t have a doctorate is that I don’t want to seem like I’m misrepresenting myself. I personally don’t put a lot of stock in degrees or qualifications or titles. I know a lot of people with doctorates who are nincompoops, and I know a lot of people who have no degrees who are brilliant and lovely. I care more about people with real life experience, a good heart, and an open mind.
Wishing you the best!!
Daniel
You aren’t misrepresenting. You just sound very intelligent and have a lot of accomplishments. Living in Boulder, the degree capital of the US, I try to be sensitive and acknowledge those achievements. It important to people around here.
While out to dinner with friends, meeting a woman for the first time I asked her, “what do you do”? She replied, “I have a PhD”. I don’t know if she PhD’d in the mornings or just on the weekends. Haha. Funny, but many of these people come from vey warped families which led them to over achieve or rely heavily on their resume as a source of self esteem.
One woman here, raised by an exceptionally wealthy and narcissistic family went on to become somewhat of a sociopath. She currently pays $300k a year of her own money to support 4 employees at a non profit she started 15 years ago. The interesting caveat is that the non profit has not helped one single person, ever. For 15 years the employees have showed up to a mostly empty building where they sit around for 8 hrs, then go home. She started the non profit to get adoration from people.
Anyways, thank you again. I look forward to more great content.
Thanks Jen — and I appreciate the stories!
Daniel
Do you ever do any free lance life coaching?
Hi Jen,
In the past I have done some freelance conversations for hire — I don’t call it life coaching, because I never really felt like I was coaching anyone….just having a conversation.
Maybe again I’ll do something like that in the future — if or when I have the energy!!
Greetings,
Daniel
Please, pretty please? I feel you have experiences and knowledge that will help me. I can pay in cash, homemade pickles, cheese and jellies. I’m not looking for definitive answers to anything, no one has them. But, I believe you have an awareness that I haven’t been able to find in coaching, therapy,psychiatry, church or among friends. Maybe something you say or an experience you’ve had might connect some of life’s puzzles.
Please, pretty please with a homemade pickle on top.
Jen, I would recommend the book “The body keeps the score”. It talks about movement and body and trauma healing. By Bessel Van Der Kolk.
Irena,
Thank you so much for the suggestion! I heard about this book through an emdr therapist and have seen in me tinned in a facebook group called healing from CPTSD. I didn’t know it touched on moving. With so many rec’s it’s now on my thriftbooks.com purchase list.
To return the kindness here are some resources you might like; Home Coming by Jihn Bradshaw. It’s good for finding your inner child, identifying its wounds and actual steps in protecting and comforting that child. Free Yourself from depression by Michael Yapko. This book is great for identifying maladaptive daily patterns of behavior which hinder physical and emotional healing and subsequently lead to a depressed soul/mind. The Bible, great for learning boundaries and finding internal self worth.
Man’s Search for meaning by Viktor Frankl.
An odd rec that I’m reading right now is Hitlers Biography by Toland. Dark but a great real life example of how a chaotic environment combined with neglect and abuse can lead to psychosis, psychopath, depression, etc.
Some YT channels: Tim fletcher has extensive talks on CPTSD.
Dr.yapko great for targeting behaviors.
Patrick Teahan. Great for validation of feelings and some dbt.
Out of everything I’ve read, watched and learned from others, I’ve found the most helpful things to be developing a healthy relationship with Jesus/God, validation and my current journey of self discovery. Validation meaning hearing others speak about their own emotions as a result of abuse and neglect. Self discovery meaning just that, who am I now as I heal and throw off those burdens I’ve been blanketed in for so long. Lastly, my old therapist who was able to lift me from the fog through validating my feelings. I had a Vaillancourt over my eyes until my late 30s.
Would you feel comfortable saying what you’ve found most helpful to you during your healing journey?
I recently watched your videos on Is My Therapist Good or Not?, On Anxiety, and Critique of BPD; and I was wondering if it is ever worth it to challenge a diagnosis in order to have a permanent record changed? Or, is it something to just let go of and move on from? Would it only be an issue if the record in question is something that might come up later?
Hi Jeff,
I can’t think of any time I’ve seen a patient challenge their diagnosis and get it changed as a result. (Perhaps it does happen, but I’ve just never seen it.). Instead, what I’ve seen (many times) is when patients challenge their diagnoses their therapists (present or past) dig in their heels and work harder to justify it. And often this makes more problems for the client — and maybe even gets the client labels with further diagnoses, usually not very nice ones. Often I think moving on is the best course, as awful as that might be. Wish I didn’t have to say that…
Daniel
Thank you so, so much for your videos. You have helped me give myself something I didn’t know I lost. I appreciate it deeply.
Hello Daniel,
I hope you’re doing great. I’m happy that I found your YT,
I have so much to say but I have no energy to do due to what I have been through.. I just want to thank for the work you do, I went recently to a “therpist” and he basically tried to shut me down.. he did exactly what you described in your videos on YT. Please take great care of yourself, I am proud of you and that I met you ..at least here .. in this virtual space.
May God belss you and protect you.
Majda AM.
I really can’t tell you how much your YouTube channel means to me. I won’t go down my own laundry list of traumas, but reading your video titles overwhelms me (in a good way) by hitting all the right notes. I’ll be devouring this content for some time, I believe. I’m already sharing it with my family, too. So, thank you!
For the past three decades, I have been very focused on stopping the transgenerational trauma that I know worked its way to me over a long, long time. But… I’ve done it more though force of will than through understanding. What do I mean? This has been an obstacle for me, because my energy has been more directed toward STOPPING the transference than being used for my own healing. This, of course, probably made my efforts less effective than they could have been. So now, as I stare 56 years in the face, I find that I am suffering in much the same way that I was suffering when I was 2… or at any point along the 54 years that followed.
So, today I am seeking true trauma therapy that will take me to and through the things I have experienced. The difference is that this time I will have help. Better late than never.
My parents are so toxic I am almost 60 and I need to stop
they comment on my hair my weight my house and there are other comments that aren’t said out loud
they “gave” us some money and now they, in particulate my father has some attitude that we owe them
My sister has been evil all her life and they keep funneling money to her
she had a child with invitro and that cemented my parents obligation to support her.
She has a six figure job but still takes money from them to pay for his school
She is clever, everybody was repelled by her but lo and behold a child was born.
My parents treat her with kid gloves
My mother has cancer now and my horrid sister says so many evil things to me, like I need help and I stole my mothers phone to keep her from talking to her. which is so not true I have no interest in doing that. If my mother wants to confide in my sister so be it. I saw some texts between them about me and it broke my heart
IDK if this is the best place to put this but thanks if anyone read 🙂
Hey there, Daniel. I just watched your video on YouTube “The Two Things That Change People.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyqcqjwHcis Your perspectives are so clear on this subject. And I’m seeing your post now from just two days ago, and man oh man! This hurts my heart. I’m just wondering of there’s something obliging you to continue knowing these people. When I read this post, (after having viewed your video on Greif vs. Trauma) I was surprised to discover that you haven’t cut these people out of your life completely. That’s what I’m hoping for as I “watch this movie.” (Run, Daniel, Run!) (Forgive me for being Captain Obvious here; but it seems like all signs are pointing to NO CONTACT. Am I missing something. P.S. My heart really goes out to you, and a protective feeling came over me, longing for you to seek shelter…for your own safety….once and for all.
Thanks for your share here. Powerful! Self realization is a gift that keeps giving. … you know you are worthy of the I Am way of life.
Sending you a huge hug. Pathological family dynamics like this are so toxic, draining, and heartbreaking.
I had to cut off all contact with my mother and siblings back in 2004, as my mother is a narcissist, older sister is a vulnerable narcissist and my oldest sister has borderline personality disorder (and is the most decent of all of them). My older brother, the family scapegoat, died recently of a heart attack (age 59).
I wouldn’t wish narcissistic parents on my worst enemy. It’s a very lonely life.
Just know that someone read your post, believes you, and understands.
Wishing the very best for you going forward~
Hello Daniel,
Here’s a therapist here—long in the tooth, so I knew the field of clinical social work when it was so much healthier and robust. Later, of course, I witnessed firsthand its tragic cooptation by business and behavioralism. (And I do mean tragic.)
I very much like your take on the source of much of our distress in a “system” of parenting where not only are children unsupported in their needs, but parents too are given short shrift. Evolution didn’t plan for daycare, daddy’s daytime disappearance, and the loss of community. In my second (unpaid) gig as, ahem, poet, I’ve penned some verses about the situation that you might like this brief sample of.
Wishing you the best,
Steve Advocate
New Haven
Here’s Looking at You, Kid
There’s two totalitarians who rule the land,
Down to secretions of the lachrymose gland.
On guard against rebellion’s semaphore,
Each shrug and sigh will be accounted for.
Relax! Release yourself to their control.
It’s in their bosom that you’ll find your soul.
The apprehensive shifting of your eyes
Exposes your evasions and white lies.
The twisting of the lip, how you perspire,
Is all they need—to know that you conspire
Against your father’s law and loving mother,
Who gave you breath and have the right to smother
You in cold blood in your warm bed tonight
Should they suspect your dreams don’t seem quite right.
So give a hug, you know we love you, dear.
With that sweet mug, why would you need to fear?
Congratulations!
Uncle Walter never snuck
Into your room to fuck.
You grew up in the glare of hope,
Misunderstandings weren’t settled with a hammer or a rope.
Your smile as passport, you were able
To cross the border to the cool kids’ table.
You aviated over every hurdle,
The milk of human kindness didn’t curdle.
You didn’t skulk at the back of the class
Like an ass,
Suitably suited and degreed,
Your university wasn’t the street,
The people who raised you
Didn’t disgrace you,
No one lost their job or worked too many hours,
On birthdays and other fine occasions there were flowers.
You learned your grammar and your history,
And if the hardships of this world remain a mystery,
The God of your invention
Who puts the bad boys in detention
Says we all get our deserving,
Including every prisoner and the term he’s serving.
No wonder you’ve grown confident, if not content,
Blinded by good fortune to the way the rules are bent.
If the car breaks down there’s plastic for another,
Or else you borrow from your dad or mother,
And will not lose the job and miss the mortgage payment,
You’ll keep your silverware, your holidays and fine raiment,
Pleased that from your up you can look down
To give the deadbeats a smug, reproachful frown,
Armed with an explanation that to all your friends rings true—
That the holy mess their life’s in
Is in the way of a confession
That they’re not as good as you.
Thanks Steve!
OMG! I’m a creative writer with a diagnosed “mood disorder” 30 years and still ticking. I consider my self a fairly skilled at my craft but for the love of God and all that benefits humankind, Steve Advocate deserves a freaking Nobel Prize or some kind of massive public recognition for his totally on point creative expression.
I could learn so much from people like you and him. I wish there were more folks like you around.
I would be thrilled at the chance to meet up with you guys sometime. Even if it’s just once for coffee at Starbucks! My goodness!
God BLESS your life dude!
May you keep shining your light of truth everywhere in this darkened world!
It’s mostly because of people like you
that I can still love life.
As human beings you ROCK!!✌️
Thanks for sharing your uplifting thoughts! It feels good in my soul.
Steve, I love your poem, particularly the last stanza (verse?).
When I started my healing journey, I really thought that I wanted to become a therapist. I went back to my alma mater and started an MED program. It was so horrible.
All they talked about was : when to force someone into a hospital for “their own good,” why you should live like a poor person and work for very little at a nonprofit instead of private(complete with professors complaining about their own finances!), and then finally one of the professors providing us with “information” about how she’ll provide discounts if anyone wants to use her for observation hours lmfao!!!!
That was my first and last semester. It was extremely disappointing, I assumed we’d be contemplating our feelings more, and learning about being healthy people. Instead it was just extremely toxic. I’ve met more self aware professors via random English classes!
Watching your video on Sexual Abuse of sons by mothers – because there is something I really think needs blowing the lid off. I saw it again only a few years ago and was in a position where I didn’t feel I could comment. I realised on seeing it that it was normal with my mother and brother too – mothers playing with their son’s scrotum – getting hold of it and wobbling it when they are babies and toddlers – when they are changing the nappy, when the toddler is naked and comes running to see them.
When I saw it a few years ago I was shocked because I was horrified having not been around mums and little boys in a long time – and realised what hadn’t registered when I was younger. How awful – and in full view, with absolutely NO thought that there might be anything wrong with them doing so.
That is definitely a thing, still, very much so (UK).
Here is an excerpt from page 62 of the drama of the gifted child by Pia who shares some of her experience which I connected with ;
The world has not changed. There is so much evil and meanness all around me, and I see it even more clearly than before. Nevertheless, for the first time I find life really worth living. Perhaps this is because, for the first time, I have the feeling that I am really living my own life. And that is an exciting adventure. On the other hand, I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth – when it seemed pointless to carry on – because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn’t mine, that I didn’t want, and that I was ready to throw away.
In my own words, I feel and think that a very large portion of the global population is just straight out DELUSIONAL and seriously misguided , and I have suffered from others projections , mainly my family of origin and they from there origins as well… However I can say that my life as I sit here at my keyboard writing this out – is good and I am not even close to being finished ! …and I am 58 years young ! I still have the physical body that I had when I was in my twenties… and teens too! The exterior features have not changed that dramatically…
Other peoples projections are like parasites or viruses , and it takes a healthy psychic immune system to hold them at bay and be un effected by them…
This is why I am starting to feel excited and strong from reading Miller’s book, because it is fostering an inner ( natural inner strength ) of being my authentic self – and the ways in which to do it seem very doable and conceivable from what she is saying and you so beautifully re iterate through your videos Daniel…
Anyway, just some more thoughts I wanted to share…
All my best to everyone here…
Hope every one is having a peaceful and pleasant Memorial Day…
I really like your “immune system ” comment. That’s a great way to put it!
Thank you…
I just wanted to say that Alice Miller’s book about Drama of the gifted child – is a really heavy and deep book ! Wow ! As I have been reading it I think to myself, how can she know all of this? As I have been reading – I feel that I need to takes breaks and go out side to smoke and try to allow this material to seep into my psyche… For years I have been so out of touch with some of my core feelings… As I have been sitting with this stuff that I am getting closer to, I feel a subtle opening – something trying to come up from with in me, but it still feels very faint … I have had some dreams which seem very interesting and revealing different contexts and what seems like dis associated scenarios… I also get a lot of snap shots of memories from my long ago past, however my feelings feel very faint and un effected by those memories… Having more of them as I write about it now… Ones which start to evoke feelings of being loved and appreciated by a teacher who caused me to feel loved in an honest way…
What motivates me to read and share here, is the hope and expectation of my individual/personal sense of vitality and autonomy and ability to rely on my own inner strength / resources to process my own unrequited feelings… Just by stating this, is giving me a feeling of strength and self confidence…
I can get a sense why it feels easy for me to read Guntrip’s book Daniel… Because it is very intellectual and dry – it becomes a merrily intellectual aerobic gyration for me… Alice’s book is striking deep emotional chords with in me which have been asleep and dormant – this is where my real stuff lays…
Anyway, just some thoughts of mine I wanted to offer and share to this community of people who write and visit this page…
Thank you again for your generosity of spirit Daniel…
I just finished watching this. Wow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPySDBkkfw
Is it Worth it to Try to Heal Our Traumas? — A Psychological Cost-Benefit Analysis. Ended up leaving a comment but also wanted to post here too.
Thank you so much Daniel. What a great talk. I’ve been in recovery for a long time and now am the director of my process. In recent years I’ve been gaslighted by therapists who can’t handle that I like to do a lot of different methods and have learned how to be with my childish dissociated parts in a loving compassionate way. The heavy-lifting therapy that put me on this path is called PSIP, using cannabis and psychotherapy, a full-body process where you experience life as a 3-6 year old self. Cannabis has this amazing property that it is very difficult to dissociate, so in a loving space, with a therapist who has done LOTS of their own work it takes you into the horrendous past – but you want to stay and KNOW. Now, daily, I sit with the relational triggers, typically from the work day, that lead me back to my traumatised selves. I sit, as much as possible WITH the dissociated child – my body locking up, frozen, sometimes can barely breathe, chocking and wanting to vomit. I have to and want to Be IN and WITH and hold gratitude for the vulnerable child telling me their physical truth, at an age where physiology and psychology are blended. BE-IN-NESS allows WITH-NESSING. So amazing, so inspired.
Hi
My name is Connie
I am a New Zealander – dont let the health care fool you. I was born and nreed here. I was wad bprm into an EXTREMELY exclusive xult called the Ligjt Of Christ Covent Community. I am oneof ten children.
I ran away from my arranged marriage and life at 19ys…into a pregnancy with mynow husband (love him unendingly, thpugh awate i was raised for it). I am. Now 35yrs, married, 2 boys….. And no. One in the world who wants to accept and acknowledge the 150 pax strong culti lived in
And the horrors. It was not okay. It was not legal. No one has ever been held. To account.
I Live with my trauma, im scared because my monsters have become my friends.
NZ apparently has free health care… But it has no one equipped for this shit (please pardon my manners).
I have gone through multiple therapists and…. Wow… Even with their desire to help … They can’t. And thwir systems are so rigid and dogmatic, its like being back in the said born cult.
Tjeu dont understand. Nor will they let you talk about things…. I have undergone decades of crimes against myself… Ans therapists kewp talking about ‘not retraumatising’… In themosy gaslighting way. As if i didnt know. And in a way that tbey never have to talk about it..
When…. I know i bee. Through a hell they will never know. For this I need help. Do t pussy foot me.
All this to say… I dont. Know to to get on your list.. I camt even afford you.
But I been watching your videos, and for the first time, i didntfeel crazy or completely alone.
Thank you.
Sorry for the ramble. I do t know where else to put it, bit thanj you for helping me in working out that ‘therapy’ was, forme, making thing worse.
Wosh we vouls speak.
CONNIE
Wishing you the best, Connie!!
Thanks for sharing this.
Daniel
Hello Daniel, I am new to your YT channel, and lately have been watching you 24/7. Just beautiful and love the ideas and thoughts you share. Are you doing any speaking engagements this summer? I would really like to see and hear you in person. Your insights and awareness are very enlightening to my new world of being awake. Very much enjoyed your opinion of Jordan Peterson and am in total agreement with you on his wrong idea of child raising. Really glad I came upon your channel and hope to hear more from you in the future.
Caro Spereman
La Vista, NE
Thanks Caro!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
since i confronted my mother about the nature of her business (prostitution and pimping) i have never been the same. I saw a few of your videos and could relate to a lot of things that you said. I have never had the courage to go to professional and tell them my story to seek insights. Like you, i too have been distancing myself from the world and all the people that tried to change me for worse. I write to you in my solitude at the gate of grief to tell you about myself because if felt i should since you shared yourself with me. Or perhaps, you telling me about your journey inspired me to become more vocal about myself. I neither had father to tell me rights and wrongs nor my mother. Through trial and error, and a lot of errors, i now have slowly started putting together all the hazy puzzle pieces of my life that i once overlooked. I dont know what i am today but i do remember a younger more purer confident full of life me which had so much to give to the world. After wronging so many people i now strive to become conscious of my actions and behaviour. I hope one day i can once again become a whole me.
Wishing you the best, Mohit!
Daniel
Dear god Daniel, you are right about everything.
I’m thinking about my mother’s childhood and all the ways her parents, older brothers, uncles must’ve destroyed her childhood, how they must’ve severed her childhood friendships. I suspect they forced my mother to move to a bigger city so she could bring home money.. Or tried to send her to a boarding school. I can only imagine how scheming and backstabbing and conniving my mother’s parents and uncles must’ve been. That poor child that she was, just wanting stability and to play with her friends. And now as an adult, she just watches TV all day – and lashes out whenever you try to talk about her past or childhood. I can see the inner child in her, even when she can’t. Dear god you are right about everything. All the betrayals and backstabbing we experienced as children never actually goes away when we’re adults. And in our modern world we just have so many technological distractions that prevent us from reconnecting with our childhood pain and rage. Dear god you are right about everything.
Thank you for sharing this… It was painful to read, but I am glad that I did… It just reminds me of how when some one lashes out at me, it is really not about me at all…
Hay Daniel, You are going to get a kick out of this one… I was looking for Alice Miller’s book of the drama of the gifted child… I bought it many years ago and it was some were in the large collection of books that I have accumulated through the years… Well I found it in the psychology self help section of my bookshelf in my bedroom… …and do you know what ? I had two others, of her books ; the body never lies, and thou shalt not be aware… Now you are really going to chuckle over this one, I have Harry Guntrip’s book… Yes it is dense and boring , but you want to know the funny thing though?, I have no problem reading it and can understand what he is saying…. I wonder what that is all about… Haha… O no…
Anyway, on a more serious note, I was having difficulty fathoming the idea of healing my trauma through my own inner self resources … But then it started to click based on what you said… Grieving … I have not really cried whole heartedly for many years now… I with held it from my Father when I was with him on his death bed well over twenty years ago… I felt that he did not deserve my massive amount of tears that I needed to give , so I with held them and forfeited the opportunity … That’s right I said no… I could have a shouting voice in my head telling me to do something, and I will do the exact opposite or be completely contrary – just to make a statement of who the boss is and what I will do or not do… I know, I love this about myself… However I do not hate my Daddy, I do have love for him, I just do not like hime that much, just in little doses… I did hold his hand through his death process though…
Back on the subject of crying though, I could really relate to how you said how you cried for years and how movies or reading things or other things would trigger it… I also was at a loss of how to find the events of my past that caused me so much pain and stunted my psychic development.. I do not remember that much at all like before the age of six or even closer to the age of about seven, however as I write about this stuff, I get snap shots of a lot of stuff… Our psyches are so amazing in how they work… I’ve been reading your book about towards truth and Alice miller’s book at the same time… I do have a strong hunch that there was adverse things which effected me while being in my mothers womb and other things when I was a new born which at the time I had not developed the brain at the time to recall those events consciously… so, anyway, such is life… we are all delt a hand of cards and I am playing my hand, and I have a whole lot to be very thankful for…
Nicely said, Thomas. And ha — you have Harry Guntrip’s book. I would be very curious to read it again after all these years. Who knows, maybe I’d really like it now…..
Sending greetings–
Daniel
Smiles… Thanks Daniel… I am occupied with Alice Millers book and your Book at this time – I do intend to get back into Guntrip’s book in a bit…
It felt good to hear back from you…
Thomas.
Hi Daniel,
in one of your videos, not sure which, you’ve mentioned something about people giving you their diaries when you were their therapist. Recently i’ve been thinking about this idea, especially whether i should share parts of my own diaries and it hit me that this is far from a simple decision on my part and there are a lot of considerations.
So, maybe this could be a subject for a video? Like when such a lending of the most intimate parts is appropriate with a therapist? Closer tot he beginning of the therapy relationship or after a more established period? What could be the motivation for a therapy client to do so? What is the “payoff” of this? What could be the hesitations or dangers both for the therapy client and the therapist? What does it require from the therapist? Obvious trust and privacy questions etc.
i know that in the end most boils down to listening to my gut \ intuition, but still it would be very interesting to hear your thoughts on this subject.
Thanks,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
I am well aware that your question is directed to Daniel , however you posted it on this public forum for others to see – which I might add, is very helpful for me , and I would feel safe to say, helpful for others who read.
Your question invokes a large in-depth response from me, although my response can be nothing else but my own personal experience/opinion and projections – I still have one though…
If you want to hear what I have to say, let me know…
My warm regards, Thomas.
Hi Thomas,
i would love to read your response.
Thanks,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Thank you…
At the time that I read your question to Daniel – I got all fired up with a righteous response, but now after a 24 hour period of time and really thinking about it, it feels much more difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings about what you said Roman… Because my response is derived from my direct experience – it reconnects me to so much that I have split my self off from and memories which are coming back to me which I forgot about do to dis associating myself from… However I feel compelled to be open and honest , because what Daniel has demonstrated has been of great help to me …
So first off, keep in mind that I am going to come off as being cynical and might be threatening your possible idealization of your therapist – if you have created one… Just keep in mind that I am not trying taint or bust your bubble sort o speak, even though it sound as if I am…
I have had a lot of experience with psychotherapists, and I strongly agree with all the reasons why Daniel stopped being a therapist…
Being a therapist with a practice in this society which we all co exist in, is a business which has a large overhead and liabilities… A therapist has a license that they have to protect in order to stay in business … That is their lively hood… When push comes to shove – they are going to protect their license and send you down the road with a referral before they stick their neck out for you … I Know this sounds harsh , but truth is painful, and I will not settle for anything less… This whole transference thing onto the therapist is a parent rescue fantasy which we project … There is no human being who is good enough to fulfill that for anyone… I picked this idea up from Daniel and this is exactly what I have been doing for years… Having a relationship with a therapist is a paid for professional relationship … It is paying to have a friend who you do not know who they truly are outside of what you are projecting onto them… I would feel that I was developing an interest in various woman who would give me attention and be sweet and kind to me and flirtatious who were either bank tellers, waitresses or yoga teachers or therapist or massage therapist or a dentist or optometrist etc. , and I would start projecting my need for love onto them, until I started to find out who they were and how their differences were way outside my personal scope of who I wanted them to be for me… Then all of the sudden I lost interest in them and literally forgot about them… They did not exist for me anymore… Can you imagine ? When I became aware of this and saw this dynamic alive inside myself, I really laughed and thought to myself… Wholly shit…
When you say that you are considering the idea of sharing parts of your diary with your therapist, make sure you re read the therapist client contract agreement documentation and that what ever it is that you feel you want to share does not give them leverage to pathologize you or put them in a position to report anything… I know this sounds extreme and I am making an assumption of a most extreme example, I just saying though… I remember when I was in therapy how the therapist would give the nuance of a frown in response to what I felt I needed to discuss … So this signaled me that it was not ok to broach the subject that I really needed to unpack… What a fucking joke… There was a power differential which really contaminated and corrupted what could of been an open honest exchange of truth between two human beings… The same thing that was perpetrated on me by my parents, although different reasons used to justify the power differential…
The stuff that you write in your diary Roman are your Jules and pearls and diamonds ! Protect them ! I am starting to cry because I gave mine away to people who were not worthy of mine, and they were taken and trampled on by my parents…
You know, it became apparent to me through my observation and a slight shift in my interpretation of my perception that what I think in my mind is projected out side of my physical self – and those thoughts are received or captured by others – either knowingly or usually unknowingly by most folks. As a result of this, it confused my sense of boundaries and gave me the sense that other people who I did not know already new things about me or were being told things about me by some one I had confided in… I always wanted to deconstruct this mental mechanism to understand how it worked . But it was a taboo subject to discuss..
I remember the story about Richard Alpert ( Ram Dass ) who when he first came into contact with his Guru Neem Chrolee Baba or Mah harrashee – I know that I am butchering the spelling here… Well after Ram Dass had came into contact with him and was fed by the temple servants / deciples , Ram Dass ‘s new guru told him about how he was thinking about his late mother when he was starring into the night sky filled with stars… Well this blew Ram Dass away completely … He could not fathom how this could be done or how could his guru know this… Ram Dass said that for the next few days at the ashram he was curled up in a fetal position crying with this heart reaching pain in his chest … It reminded me of when I was in community college taking Piano class and had a piano teacher who was old enough to be my mother too… Well it seemed that she knew stuff about me as well and knew about the stuff I kept very close to my chest and was off limits to every one, except for payed sex workers or phone sex operators… Well I had bumped into her at a woman’s shoe store and she was playfully teasing me in a friendly way before I knew who she was when I saw her in the class for the first time… Or the second time now… I saw this piano teacher in a woman’s shoe store a month or so before I started class… I was in the woman’s shoe store buying some hot looking shoes for a Portuguese lady that I would see on a regular bases who was an at home erotic masseuse who let me dress her up… Lol! Yah no shit… ! O, and to add to this, the piano teacher sounded like the same woman I had gotten off with on a phone sex service call a few months prior … Try to put that one together. Yah, completely illogical and impossible … Right?
Well, anyway, as I am in class with this woman and weeks are proceeding, she is reaching out to me and trying to connect with me… The attention she was giving me felt wonderful ! My parent rescue fantasy is growing fast and powerful ! To rephrase it, my new mother that I never had coming to rescue me wish… Haha… Well, anyway, it was a rough and rocky road for me and it did not feel good at all… Because I had a projection of her that she needed to adhere to and all the personal stuff about my sexual activities were off limits to her… I assigned the role of the good mother, any time she flirted to me or seemed to come on to me or seemed to give me a hint about my fetish, I would blow her off and reject her – and I did it quite purposely and abruptly… My ego development grew strong and out of balance for me in order to protect myself from acting on my core impulses which came out of my emotions or child hood needs. The fact that there seemed to be a kind of magical phenomena happening between me and the piano teacher really pulled at my heart and I wanted her desperately to be my new mother who could really love me in a healthy way that I always fantasied about being loved… But I was going to be in control of this situation and I was only going to be vulnerable provided I knew how the scenario looked before hand… The idea that she new about stuff that I had not told anyone was just creating a lot of pain in me… I really needed to vet and get a sense of some one before I let my emotions ingulf them with my unrequited needs… Based on Ram Dass’s experience and his fellow decibels – they dropped their defenses and opened up completely to Neem Krolee Baba … They assumed that if he already knew about their most highly personal secrets , then it was safe to assume that he knew everything … So what was the point of having personal boundaries… ? Well, I say , fuck that ! I choose to see through the B.S. of this natural mind phenomena … I want to know who you are as a person … Are you a stable person who lives a responsible life who has their personal affairs in order and who is organized and financially stable… Are you good enough for me to connect with… Do you meet my criteria … ? Yah, that’s right… But let us not forget, I can be fucked up though … Makes a lot of sense, yah? Hahaha…
So As I am thinking Roman, there is so so much more of my story and personal experience that has ensued over the years… Some people think that I am a sociopath because I do not seemed to be effected by the mind phenomena that the average person seems to so predictably be emotionally manipulated by… Some people frame this stuff as psychiatric problems, others in the spiritual movements frame it as magical and god like, from the human soul… I frame it as smoke and mirrors and a way to really throw some one off balance who does not have a strong sense of reality and how some people can lie and abuse their power for there own selfish needs or in the service of a different agenda which we are not aware of… I strongly agree with Daniel about being your own parent and helping our selves with our already gifted abilities to heel our selves and really learn to love our selves and respect our selves first… I also strongly agree and am on board with the idea of being in a relationship with another takes time to develop and to build trust and to respect the others boundaries and to get to know who some one really is is a timely process with no guarantees of what we think we want to get out of the relationship. As time goes on with some one who we are ok with , we naturally start to show our true selves and reveal our secrets little by little as we show in many continual baby steps how we are worthy and trust worthy to be able to hold that and be a container for one another…
Anyway Roman, that is some of the stuff that came up for me in regards to what you shared…
If any one has some input or wants to add to what I said or wants to critique my words and claims, please do … I am open to your comments and choose to be teachable…
Thank you again for being open to my opinions Roman, and thank you for creating this forum Daniel for all of us to share…
Hi Thomas,
sorry for the how late i’m replying to you, it took me a while to get to it.
So first, regarding what you’ve written and suggested about sharing the personal journal i can understand. it’s not cynical at all and comes from a place of self preservation and and protection. all of what you suggested are good and sound precautions which i’m going to try and implement. On the other hand, other than having a probably different mental health system that is somewhat beneficial to he patient (even the public one), i’m starting to really trust my current therapist. and i wasn’t that easy on her. We had a bit heated argument with anger and frustration that afterwards she and i grew from it. So now while i’m still interested in lending her a journal or two, i’m really in no rush and more careful, since it occurred to me that, as you said, these are my pearls and only after a very high degree of earned trust i’ll allow for someone else to peek and hold them.
Second, regarding the projection of needs onto others, i get it. it has also happened to me a lot and still does. Also it’s one of the things i’m very careful about and probably one of the first things i said in the beginning of therapy that i’m aware and fear of doing with the therapist. With her (the therapist)i believe it’s possible to really talk about it as it comes up and she’s for it and supportive so far. Heck, even with a very good friend i’ve discussed my projections onto her and since we have enough of trust and intimacy, not only did i feel safe with sharing but also learned from it and her response.
Thirdly, what you written about the subject of projecting outside of one selves thoughts and feelings that are captured and perceived (mostly unknowingly) by others is a very interesting and important topic. you should look more into it and find the people who are interested and not afraid of discussing it. i believe that people can sense stuff from others as an intuition and the more healed and connected you are the easier it is. not sure if this is exactly what you’ve described but at least similar. like feeling someone’s worry or anger just from their “aura”. But this shouldn’t undermine your boundaries so there’s something else going on there, which will be on you to discover.
Fourth, about the last paragraphs, i have nothing to add other than generally agreeing. you sound like someone who is building an internal mental “backbone”. i’m also skeptical of a lot of general values of society and people and especially in spirituality, where people there can be even more dissociated sometimes.
Thank you for getting back to me Roman…
I really appreciate what you have to say… I’m just reflecting on it and letting it sink in …
Much thanks for you in sharing you experience with me and others who read this…
My warm regards , Thomas…
P.s. I don’t have a lot of energy right now do to finishing a long days work in helping a friend move their Cafe, but I will say that I really resonated with your experience with your therapist – I hope I can experience this some day or at least with an other human being who I can feel real about and authentically healing with… Kudos to you Roman… Smiles…
Hay Daniel ! Hi…, smiles…
I just want to touch base with a few words…
First and fore most, thank you for the giving of your self through your work .
I’ve been watching and re – watching countless videos of yours in the last week, and they have been very helpful. Some of them create an impulse in me to get up and go out side to smoke a cigarette and come back to it, and others I feel the need to keep re – watching because the feelings that should be activated have been put down for so long – that my denial mechanism and numbness are in full force – most likely more than I am aware of. However your opinions and shared personal experiences of self therapy is something that I am on board with and have been doing in a partial degree for a long time … I arrived at some of this on my own form what it seems on the surface, however at a deeper level I think I just picked up on an emotional (energetic) influence that just resonated with my psyche …
Anyway, there is so much to say, and the similarities of your childhood compared to my own are so parallel … I was born in 1965 and will be 58 this coming July. I feel that I have so much to hear and listen to from others stories and personal traumas – which really bind me to the human condition and human story… Although I do not have an authentic sense of love for my remaining family and a lot of time I am just tolerating them… I do not mis my late father at all, however I do feel a sense of sadness for my mother who is 100 years old… My half sister who is almost 10 years older than me who’s life is threatened with cancer at this time…, well I am not real sure how or what to say or feel right now… I will say though , now I am much more willing to empathize and contemplate about the traumas my mother , father , and sister went through and how and why they were compelled to dis place their feelings and projections on to me… It’s not all about me, even though my life and psychic development has been significantly effected at the behest of my families mistakes and ignorances…
I have really come to a place of feeling very humbled by the experience of being human with a personal history – I can not honestly hate anybody or project a self righteous extreme judgmental stance onto others who do hurtful things to other people … All I can really do is look deeper and acknowledge how I am capable of doing the same thing…
It was suggested to me about 16 years ago to imagine my parents when they were little children – the thought of that still makes me cry just as it is now… Hmmm… wow. This human experience is very humbling…
I can really understand why it is so important to not fill my head with bullshit distractions, because it then becomes harder to recognize and to connect with what I truly hunger for… although the bullshit distractions of mine did not have that strong of a hold on me anyway, because it was supper easy to drop them at the way side when I recognized some one or something that speaks to the core of my being – such as what you are doing here Daniel …
Thank you again for what you are providing to all of us here Daniel….
Thomas S.
Thank you so much, Thomas.
Wishing you only the best!
Daniel
I just want to say that I just came across your YouTube video Daniel, and I am in the process of writing my own book on the very same topic. I read Alice Miller’s book Drama of the Gifted Child in college when I was in a severe depression and realized I had given up my self to take care of my parents. This assured me more safety. My mother was emotionally, sexually, verbally abusive and my dad was too weak and emasculated by his own mother to defend me.
I was a therapist myself. I hated taking people’s money to care about them. I quit and now volunteer my time to help others.
My experience with therapists are similar to others on this platform. They didn’t seem able to support me and develop my thoughts and feelings with me. It was like they were too scared, especially about sexual feelings or deep raw needs. I wonder if I was hitting too close to their traumas or if the profession made it too risky to go to those places. I had one psychiatrist who went out on a limb for me and sacred my life. Today, I am in my still developing full self! I found a partner who fully accepts me and validates me. In turn, I have finally felt able to be myself and choose supportive friends.
I hardly talk to anyone in my family. I am tired of everyone telling me I need to have a relationship with my mother. She is so abusive and condescending. I shrivel into a suicidal mess when I am around her.
If I could give one piece of advice to people on your platform, it is to not feel guilty of getting the toxic people out of your life, even if they are family. A toxic person is someone who makes you feel bad.
Get yourself financially secure, and go out in your own!
Thanks Daniel.
Sounds great, Stacy!
Daniel
@Irina
Hi, I couldn’t reply to your last comment, as I think the comment chain got too long.
You read my mind when you said “cultivate your own joy.” After visiting my home country and interacting with my niece and nephews.. I feel this profound passion for life, to try all the things I never got to try. I haven’t ridden a bike in forever, I haven’t swam in forever. And there’s so many things I’ve never tried. I want to do all these awesome amazing things all of a sudden, to fill myself with joy. It’s an overwhelmingly amazing feeling I’ve never felt before. I’m even amazed when I see buses on the street now – it’s like I’m seeing through the eyes of a child again.
And absolutely 100000% agree with avoiding cynical people at all costs. They might have their own traumas, but I hate it when they try spreading it to me (and they certainly have tried and even succeeded). I’ve had two people recommend me very violent movies (one being one of my older cousins). The past few years, I had been filling my head with all sorts of horrible, cynical things – there’s no shortage of that out there in the world, whether it’s movies or podcasts or otherwise. Ughh.
And yes, I have a way of communicating with my niece still. Her mom has facebook video chat. Though I love the idea of communicating with her via snail mail – fun idea!
Daniel,
It seems to me that the needs of a child are not only broad, but they are infinite. They never tire of playing – they would play 24/7 if they were allowed to. Whether it’s playing outdoors or playing on tech devices.. They never tire of it. Children are hyper-intelligent and seem to constantly need novel stimulation, and there’s no adult who can ever provide that. (Or maybe that’s just an issue with kids who are raised on video games and other technology?) There’s no adult who is creative enough to constantly provide new and interesting activities to keep a child entertained.. Nor does anyone have the time to do so, with the need to work and put food on the table. So it seems like no matter how hard a parent tries, it is inevitable that they will fail to meet a child’s needs, which are infinite and boundless.
It’s like we need humanity to enter a completely different paradigm, where play and creativity is placed above all else. All this considered, human existence seems like an impossibly gargantuan task to me.
You’ve done a great job trying to explain these things in words, but I think these childhood and babyhood traumas and pains go far, far deeper into territory that cannot be explained in words. Hence, I think no one can ever recover fully in this world – it would be far easier to go through the eye of a needle.
Parik, you say a child’s needs are infinite and boundless. I have to disagree with you. Children do have their limits, just like everyone with a body. The physicality has it’s limits. The mind has it’s limits. It is very important, as a parent, to teach children boundaries. There is time for play and there is time for rest. There is time to be loud and time to be quiet. Overactive nervous system is not a healthy thing. A child’s inability to rest is a symptom. All children have limits and understanding those limits is very important. When my kids were little I was teaching them self-regulation. Yes, sometimes they needed help identifying when it is time to rest. Parents teach the children healthy balances. Hopefully! If the parents themselves are aware of those. And of course, kids have a lot of energy and it’s wonderful! I stay healthy to keep up with them. Best wishes!
Irina,
Yours is a pragmatic and realistic approach for sure. I’ve wanted to have this discussion for a while now. Would you mind sharing how you taught your kids boundaries and self-regulation?
I also have a few additional questions for you if that’s alright..
1. Should rest time be dictated by the adult, according to the adult’s schedule?
2. Do children naturally have the same capacity to be quiet and reserved that adults do?
2. Do you believe certain physical locations are poorly suited to children, but better suited to adults (who can sit quietly without complaining)? E.g. airports, airplanes, big cities.
Cheers
Would you mind sharing how you taught your kids boundaries and self-regulation? – mostly by example and by providing that kind of atmosphere. It’s like with healthy eating – kids are not going to be eating junk food if there is no junk food at home. It’s important to establish a healthy routine at home for all, including adults. Take walks. Take naps (or quiet time). Screen free activities. Camping, being in nature, reading books together, having conversations together about things that interest you and the kids. Being curious about children, asking them questions, observing them, really caring about the things that they care about. Oh, and wearing them out physically. Kids are way more likely to take a nap if they had rigorous workout. And I don’t mean in the gym. I mean out there, in nature. Running, swimming, climbing trees, jumping rope, basketball hoops, whatever. Active lifestyle is a must for healthy kids!! No way around that!
1. Should rest time be dictated by the adult, according to the adult’s schedule? – everyone has to be accommodated as much as possible and flexibility is key. Yes, my schedule as an adult is very important, if I have to be up in the morning, I want the house to be quiet at night. I communicate my needs openly, I explain why it is so and I expect the rules to be followed. Reasonable rules. For all. I set my boundaries, first and foremost. I model to kids what a healthy lifestyle is.
2. Do children naturally have the same capacity to be quiet and reserved that adults do? – Absolutely not. Most kids are super active and that is to be taken into consideration. Public schools require way too much sitting and quiet time.
2. Do you believe certain physical locations are poorly suited to children, but better suited to adults (who can sit quietly without complaining)? Most places are poorly suited for children. Our society is poorly fitted for all, actually. We need to have more esthetically pleasing places, places where one can move their body. We are not robots, kids and adults alike. adults are just more trained to behave like robots. It is really sad. Kids are still true to their nature, but with time become more, as you call it “quiet and reserved” – I see it as a bad thing. We tame our nature, our curiosity, our desire for movement and we end up with chronic diseases. We live in an unhealthy set-up. The way life is set-up in the western world is not very good for anyone, children or adults. But I fight against it in small ways – I dance in airports and let my kids run around. Because I am not a robot. And neither are they. I homeschool my children too. Because public schools – don’t get me started!!! 🙂 Same with 40 hours a week in cubicles. Bad.
(Whoops, I wrote 2 twice ). We agree on a ton of things actually. I agree that kids are naturally very active and that school systems around the world are dreadful.. and even when I wrote my questions I was hinting that children turning into “quiet and reserved” adults is an awful thing. I see it as society breaking their true, wild nature. Adults just go along with all the boring, ugly places/spaces because they’re so disconnected from their childhood needs. So yeah, I totally agree with you that we need more aesthetically pleasing places, and places where we can move our bodies. I found a good quote on facebook: “Earth without art is just eh”
As for differences between the western lifestyle and lifestyles in other parts of the world.. I have a ton of thoughts on that subject after visiting my home country. Kids in the villages have lots of open space to play outdoors and climb trees.. But the caveat is, the adults are all so jaded and focused on work that even in the villages they destroy a child’s nature. In the villages, kids would get scolded and sometimes even hit for being too playful. Very strict. Even in villages, they have the same public school system that forces kids to sit at a desk all day. In the villages, the adults all want to move to bigger and (supposedly) better places because they can’t appreciate how wonderful it is to have outdoor spaces and trees for the kids to climb. They just don’t get it. So it seems adults are the same everywhere, whether it’s in New York or a village in Nepal. But kids in major cities (even in developing countries like my own) – their parents don’t let them go out much out of paranoia, so they end up developing screen addictions. “Just shut up and watch TV” the parents tell their kids. It’s a worldwide problem unfortunately.
My parents had zero interest in outdoor activities, camping, any of that sort of thing.. I actually would’ve loved to do those things as a kid, and it was only later I developed a screen addiction myself (my dad has always had a screen addiction too). That’s just one of many ways they screwed me up.
Yes, sad! Thanks for the info on life in small villages in India. That is so sad to hear. Most adults are fear driven and they instill that fear in their kids. The lack of the divine spark, the lack of joy for pure and simple living – that is depressing! I can only say that I will do what is in MY power to influence my life and the life of my children and those around me, even if a little bit. You can too – continue to talk about these issues, continue to make changes in YOUR life! The world will get better, eventually!! I believe! One person at a time! One step at a time.
I’m definitely trying to change things within my own family system. When I visited our village, I played with my niece using my imagination to the best of my ability.
She used a little fake syringe to play doctor with me and the adults got up in arms: “How dare you use a syringe on big brother like that!” I swear they’re nuts lol – that’s how uptight they are. She also used a flashlight to show me mangos growing in a mango tree. That might’ve been the first time an adult listened to and engaged with her like that (and it was also the first time I had had fun in a long time). I felt such joy from the simple act of her showing me the mangoes up in the tree.
I think I sparked her own imagination and she felt a sense of delight that she hadn’t felt before. I could see it in her face. The adults just sit around and talk about nothing all day, so she was probably going nuts. I think she even wanted me to be her parent. Let me explain: she wanted to play teacher/student with me, but she instructed me on what questions to ask her when I was the teacher.. She made me ask “do you have a mommy/daddy?” And when I asked her, she said no. And then she said “Now ask me if I want to come live with you.” And I asked her if she wanted to come live with me and she said “Really? Will you be my dad?” Heartbreaking. I didn’t want to leave. I don’t know when I’ll go back to visit my village.. If it’s too long, then she’ll become a completely different person.. a jaded teenager.
The adults there also like to scheme – arranged marriages are still a thing in my village and the adults like to scheme about marrying their kids off when they’re older, or sending them off to boarding schools. Depressing. Thank you so much for being different, Irina. People like you are proof that there ARE some good things about western culture.
(I was also extremely depressed at the start of my trip and I definitely wish I’d been able to engage with my niece even more than I did.. It wasn’t perfect but I did my best. I had to push through the depression in order to play with my niece.)
Oh, that story sounds beautiful, Parik! You playing with your niece! I am sure she will remember it forever! You planted a seed and it hopefully will grow! Is there a way you can communicate with her thru mail/email to keep up the connection? Sounds like she can use someone magical in her life to share her dreams and thoughts with! 🙂
Please cultivate your own joy whenever you can. Find ways to grow the wonder. I use simple things, like nature and animals. I marvel at flowers and birds. I try to avoid the big systems and cynical people as much as I am able! I like to spread the joy to those who are open to receiving! And it multiplies! I wish you all the best!
Irina,
That was beautifully said and I could not agree more. I am now watching my daughter raise her daughter to be curious, kind, and imaginative. She has direct access to nature and my granddaughter runs and plays outside everyday with one or both parents. They eat healthy and read stories every night. They share affection and laugh a lot. During a recent visit I told my daughter that I am very happy for the childhood my granddaughter is getting to experience, but that every child deserves the same. I believe trauma is the root of all the ills of this world whether it is intentionally or unintentionally inflicted. Anyway, kudos to you for sane, healthy parenting and for sharing your experience. To be validated by your caregivers, to be able to be yourself and to be
nurtured is a basic human need. One loved child at a time is the way to restore balance to our planet. It is at least one way. I am not saying this is an easy process; it’s not. But, it is worth the effort a million times over. I say this both as a parent, grandmother, and a mental health professional who worked with abused kids in adult bodies, often with addictions and hindsight is 20/20.
Warm regards
Well said, and I appreciate you P.O.V.!
I appreciate the exchange between you two—thank you.
🙂
Hi Daniel,
Have you read or head of the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk ?
I haven’t — yet!
HI Daniel,
I am delighted to make contact with you. I just watched your youtube video on “The human need for platonic touch”. I have found from my own experience there was a much unfulfilled need in me for human touch as an adult. I found my saviour in attending regular Vital Danza classes, were I nurtured my own movement to the music which also included connecting to other attendees through touch in a respectful way. God bless the good work. Peace, Peter
Thanks Peter!
Daniel
Hey Daniel.
Do You find any disatvantages of being very good-looking/handsome man. Could You maybe make video about this
Best Wishes!
JM.
Hi JM,
Thanks for the idea. I’ll think on it!
Daniel
Such a brilliant topic that would be great about women, too!
Daniel already made video about women. Chceck his youtube page.
Hi Daniel,
Not sure if that’s within your taste, but have you seen the Kung Fu Panda movies?
They have a very strong message about believing in yourself and the true meaning of “inner peace”, while overall crafted with a good amount of heart. i don’t want to spoil too much if you haven’t seen them (and wish to) but i recommend especially the second movie (which requires to see the first for the context).
Personally i cried while watching them at times, but i’m also very sensitive from my wounds that emerged within the healing journey.
With regards,
Roman.
Thank you Roman — will look into KFP movies
Animated movies are the best! Finding Dory is my favorite. Love anything with great humor.
Makes me sad , Daniel, that you are, presumably, unwilling to consider the homosexual condition in light of childhood trauma. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has shared some compelling insights about the origins and the underlying mechanisms that encourage acting out on same sex attraction. Please do not attack me here, as I realize this theme is HIGHLY inflammatory. Just sharing another p.o.v.
I haven’t read into what that lady has said about it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if homosexuality were a response to one’s childhood. But also I think romantic love in general is usually pretty motivated by childhood trauma. Ultimately romantic love is expecting someone to see you, fulfill your emotional needs, love you no matter what, support you, prioritize you above everything else, etc, all things that parents are supposed to do for a child, and if the parent actually did effectively, the child would learn to do for themselves. So romantic love in and of itself is a form of parental rescue fantasy, as Daniel calls it.
Homosexuality is just a different manifestation of that same childhood trauma response, except it’s looking to the same sex to fulfill those unmet childhood needs instead of the opposite sex. Perhaps heterosexuality is more accepted because that childhood trauma manifestation results in the continuation of the species (which they think is a good idea for some reason)
@Christine Badostain
I’ve never heard about Dr. Joseph Nicolosi and his work, but i’m gonna check his work out, if he’s right on. Here’s an artical that i think is right on:
https://restoringhopeprisonministry.wordpress.com/2023/01/30/homosexuality-understanding-root-causes/
Sounds good. I already listened/viewed the youtube video to which you are referring (if it is the same woman from another comment you posted). She has good insights.
This article was disgusting to read and i had to stop myself half way through.
It felt like a conversion therapy manifest through a twisted lens of trauma. As Brian above said, even if homosexuality is a response to how you were grown and parented in childhood, it is no different than any other romantic relationship attempt people try to unconsciously find a rescue fantasy.
I’ll even go further and paraphrase Fred Timm that anything that strays away from our societal conentions and heterosexual gender roles actually challnges it, which overall is good for our growth as individuals.
Back to the article, it is highly biased and it’s hard to miss. From the underlying assumption that homosexuality is wrong; the comparison with pedophilia which even if both are trauma responses, it’s a really bad taste to talk about both; the mentioning of god as the creator; the claim of what is natural to do with our bodies or “what they were not meant to do”; only the mentioning of gay men and whatever else is written in the second half.
Also, while talking about trauma, there is a contradictory shallow view of sexual desire as just a “physical thing” which missed the point or subtlety that was written in the same article about “wanting to be held” etc (which i agree with).
The whole aura of the article is “gay people don’t even understand what’s wrong with them” which is hidden under the layer of trauma talk. like covert smugness that deep down comes from the writer’s disgust or whatever unresolved things he/she has.
Most of us don’t know what “wrong” (root causes) with us; that is why some of us seek out therapy.
Thanks for sharing your p.o.v. Roman.
This article is absolutely dreadful. Homosexuality is an abnormality? Even oral sex is unnatural!
Is this nameless guy a psychologist? I pity his clients. His own biases are all too obvious.
Article is good, but written from the perspective of a religious person. it doesn’t convince me that much.
Please see my comment to Roman below.
You contribution to the conversation is appreciated. Let’s keep up our healthy desire to hear all of the p. o. v.’s
Hello Daniel
I was wondering if you heard of Dr. Ramani or Patrick Teahan, and if so, what are your thoughts and perspectives on them. I enjoy watching all your guy’s content and feel you have similar points of views in one way or another.
Hi Waqar,
I don’t really know about them. Maybe others here do, though…
Daniel
Hi Waqar,
I agree that Daniel and Teahan agree significantly on issues of trauma. I feel like there is a paradigm shift occurring in the world of mental health, shifting in the direction of Daniel and Alice Miller. It’s still a long way away, but more and more thinkers I’ve encountered are seeing the truth about trauma, attachment and healing. Psychiatry and the medical model of psychiatry is still pretty much dominant with insurance companies and stuff, but significantly more individuals are seeing how harmful psychiatry can be. I think Amanda Curtin’s 3 year trauma groups are in line with Daniel’s way of describing trauma.
Psychological trauma is a clinical psychological and psychiatric concept and it’s been working perfectly within the medical model framework of psychological diseases for decades. If you want to leave the medical model behind you have to unlearn to think of people as psychologically broken, defective, damaged because of violence. Buddhist theory of life, minds, and hearts is a great alternative. Although in the west it is rather the disease model moving into Buddhist thought than Buddhist theory clearing the many hundred years of white folks’ dreadful accounts of human nature and women’s, people of color, and victims of violence’s in particular.
There is an interview by Ayurdhi Dhar on Mad in America with the Harvard psychologist Joseph Gone where they speak about the advantages (insurance billing) and limits of the trauma concept (further vicimization of already marginalized communities). It will certainly not bring a paradigm shift to psychiatry or psychology. Why? – because the disease model is the foundation of Western medical thinking and the trauma concept changes nothing about that.
A must read on the subject of the history of the concept is David J. Morris’ The Evil Hours. A Biography of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Hello Daniel,
Have you ever heard of an Psychotherapist of the name Pete Gerlach? He made Youtube videos in whitch he explained that various mental health problems are originally caused by psychological wounding in the early life, i think he’s brilliant! He passed away seven and half years ago.
Here’s a link to his Youtube channel page:
https://youtube.com/@gercacn
Best regards
Marquis
Marquis,
I’m not entirely on board with the ideas of Internal Family Systems therapy, but I think Mr. Gerlach’s ideas of trauma and its effects are very much in line with Daniel’s thinking. Though, I think him being a parent himself kept him from taking his ideas to their logical conclusion. I believe holding parents accountable and expressly NOT forgiving them for the traumas they inflicted is a huge part of the healing process that many people never touch up on due to their trauma-motivated loyalty to their parents.
I’d say around 90% of Mr. Gerlach’s ideas are amazing and far ahead of their time. If anyone else loves Daniel’s work and wants to hear from people with similar ideas, Pete Gerlach is a great starting point.
What don’t you like about IFS, specifically?
@Brian
I called Pete Gerlach brilliant, i didn’t wanted to write that, instead i wanted to write: His YouTube channel is worth checking out.
Now as for Daniel Mackler, i don’t think he’s that brilliant as his followers believe, also, he never accepts critism.
I don’t think it’s fair to say he never takes criticism, one look at any of the comment section of any of his more controversial videos will show that he’s got plenty of people saying nasty things about him and those comments are all still there. Maybe he never directly addresses criticism, but with stuff like that, people have an emotional stake in their belief that they’re right, so I don’t blame him for deciding not to challenge that.
Agreed. I feel that Daniel is very wise to avoid commenting on his viewers comments in general. Hopefully we all want to learn the truth through sharing our insights and Daniel is extremely insightful in my opinion.
Had a dream this morning – probably the most important dream I’ve ever had. This dream made it crystal clear how I was so starved of love and affection and empathy.
I was a baby in this dream, and my father was annoyed at me and giving me this long lecture (as he often did in real life). This yelling and lecturing was probably over university/school.
Because I was a baby in the dream, all I could do was cry. I desperately wanted my dad to comfort me, to hold me and love me and say nice things to me. This dream made me realize I never had that. I felt like I was suffocating in the dream. I was thinking “can’t you see I’m hurting, can’t you see I’m suffering you idiot? Stop yelling at me and comfort me!!!” But my father was completely oblivious to my emotions as he angrily lectured me.
I often relate to Daniel’s videos on a theoretical level but it’s hard for me to connect with the idea that EVERYBODY is traumatized. But this dream really made it clear for me. I was so starved of love and affection that I literally felt like I was suffocating as a baby.
And the catch is, it felt like I was a baby in the dream (my inability to speak and how I could only cry), but I still had the body of an adult. I think this shines a light on what Daniel says about how we’re all just unloved, uncared for, hurt babies in the bodies of adults.
But don’t expect any of the mental health workers I’ve dealt with to understand this. Don’t expect them to care or ever go this deep. Don’t expect to find that warmth or nurturance in them. Never, not in a million years.
Thank you for sharing this seminal dream with us.
Hello Daniel,
I am an immense fan of your work. Your teachings have greatly influenced the way I view the world, and I couldn’t be more grateful that I found your channel when I did several years ago at the age of 20.
I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the contemporary trauma focused intellectuals other than Alice Miller. In particular, I was wondering if you had any opinions on Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor mate?
Also, what are your thoughts on EMDR therapy as it relates to healing from acute traumatic experiences.
Thank you again for all you do!
Hello Daniel, have you ever heard of an Psychologist named Anna Marr? She opposes the conventional psychiatric system and is passionate about it, i think she’s brilliant!
Here is a link to her website:
https://restoringhopeprisonministry.wordpress.com/about-restoring-hope-prison-ministry/
Best regards
Marquis
Hi Marquis,
I never heard of her before but I followed the link you provided and I really respect what she writes!! I agree!! The only part that is not for me is the God and religious stuff, but I find the rest of it right on. Thank you for sharing this, Daniel
Hi Daniel, I really resonate with your videos, I think they are among the very best regarding mental health. You’re on a par with Gabor Mathe in that respect. I clicked on the link provided here, and think there is a lot that I agree with. Clicking a bit further I get worried though. Homosexuality is seen as a similar affliction as pedophilia, having its roots in unconsciously flawed coping strategies. I am not a homosexual myself, but I think this approach can do a lot of harm. I really feel that homosexuality is probably something people are born with. It occurs in many social species, so it definitely plays an important role, I feel. I am befriended with two gay couples, men, who are about 80 years old now, and have both been living together for about 60 years. They both have very stable and loving relationships. I think this is very positive. Some people might feel offended and start feeling bad about themselves for something that, really, isn’t a problem at all, but just a way humankind expresses itself. I just wanted to share my feelings about this with you Daniel, and hope you will keep on sharing valuable you with us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Daniel. Greetings, Wim Timmerman, Holland.
Hi Wim,
Greetings! Thank you for your words. I think it’s terrible and incorrect if anyone equates homosexuality with pedophilia. I didn’t notice it in the link. When people do that it’s very troubling, and I really thank you for pointing this out!
Wishing you only the best,
Daniel
@dmackler58
I can’t find my comments that i posted, have you deleted them?
Yes, I deleted them. I cannot accept comments on this website that label homosexuality as being inherently pathological. Daniel
PS. I wanted to add a little more. It was also that I found your reply to someone else’s comment rude snd belittling. I do sometimes delete comments on this website when people are rude or belittling, regardless of whether or not I agree with their point of view.
@dmackler58
Wildtruht.net, huh? More like: My hypocritical
perception of the thruth.net.
And no, i haven’t label anything, i just pointed out the reality.
Look, i’m not sure what she meant with the religious topic, maybe she wants to welcome people who were rejected from Therapist, because of their religious belief(especially Christianity).
Daniel,
At 25 years old, I’m realizing that the western lifestyle really is crummy in many ways (which I realize is in contradiction to a post I made a while ago lauding what a good country America is).
It’s frustrating because I was born in Nepal but my parents immigrated to the US when I was 3, and later Canada.. I’ve lost so much of my Nepalese identity. I’m jealous of newer immigrants who aren’t as “whitewashed” as I am. I’m jealous of their uniqueness.
I know I’m supposed to be grateful for being in a western country.. People would call me all sorts of nasty things, like an ungrateful little whatever.. because so many refugees flee their countries to move here, etc etc.. But I really do think western countries are like a devil’s deal. Maybe when new immigrants move here, they’re in a honeymoon phase, allured by all the riches and comforts.. but maybe some day, they will begin to feel this sense of being crushed and overwhelmed that I’ve been feeling. I really am overwhelmed. Porn, drugs.. I feel like ADHD is inevitable living in the west. Truth be told, I don’t want to be like all those American kids I grew up around in school.. I’d rather get to be myself in my own country. But that’s not what happened.
And I think living in the west can make you lose your empathy. For example, you might lose your compassion for someone who is injured, because we’re expected to just keep working and not complain about injuries. It’s dehumanizing and really sad. I hate the rat race so much.
Whenever I bring up these points to my parents, they say “well other Nepalese families came here too.” I don’t care what poor decisions other families made, I want my cultural identity back. And my parents can’t understand that for the life of them. If it were up to me, I’d still be living in our village, growing my own vegetables.
Older people from western countries often move to countries like Nepal to escape the rat race, to live a simpler life closer to nature. It’s frustrating how older people would judge me for being addicted to technology, yada yada.. But it wasn’t my choice, it wasn’t my decision.
In lieu of all this, I totally understand why you travel to wonderful, interesting places like Africa, and I absolutely understand why you do it in an unorthodox way (hanging out with locals, staying with them) – as opposed to just staying at a hotel in Africa and drinking Starbucks. I really do admire this. You probably get excellent sleep while you’re travelling, breathing in fresh air and enjoying nature. We went back to visit our village in Nepal once.. the air there is really something else, the sound of the pigeons fluttering in the morning.
If I ever make those videos I said I wanted to make, I’ll be sure to talk about this.
Thanks for sharing this, Parik. Wishing you the best! I have a feeling others will be able to relate to this too.
Delano
Thank you.. Honestly I wish I could delete what I wrote, because it’s so tricky.. there’s a lot of cool people in the US and Canada who are so much more funny and real and alive and passionate than my parents, who have treated me with a lot more respect than my own parents and other people from my culture.. I find some things about western culture absolutely amazing. So I DO have a lot to be grateful for. But it’s tricky because there’s also so much meanness and nastiness in the west too – a lot of the meanness comes from authority figures like teachers, as you’ve talked about. So I don’t think the problem is “American kids” as I said earlier, it’s often the adults.
I think I’m turning into my dad – he always had a sour attitude towards the US despite living there. I always thought the sports culture of the US was absolutely amazing, and my dad hated that stuff. And there are many toxic elements of my own culture/parents which have hurt me and destroyed my self esteem.. I am certainly not blind to the toxicity of my culture (many people talk about the toxicity of Asian/south Asian cultures and they’re absolutely right). Like I said, it’s a tricky one and I do wish I could delete what I wrote earlier, because I do have a lot to be grateful for living here. But oh well, no point in hiding my thoughts I suppose. Whether or not what I wrote earlier was toxic, let it be out in the open haha.
“Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues”
And precisely what I think is missing in our world. I have to check myself sometimes.
Agreed—truth is usually bitter, at least for the ego. However, to avoid truth is to avoid oneself. Yikes , that is not how I want to live my life:in ignorance of my own true self.
I find humor is the best thing for that. Learning to laugh at oneself – wish I had the type of friends who could help with that.
Well, you’ll find meanness and toxicity anywhere. It’s not limited to certain cultures.
Hope the best for you.
Absolutely true. I’ve seen it in all cultures. I guess I forget that sometimes.
*and in myself. I couldn’t see it before, but I definitely see the meanness and nastiness in my own self. There have been several good people I’ve hurt.
I’m heard by the voice of a poet.
Hi Daniel,
i’m currently reading your book “Breaking from your Parents” and i just finished the chapter about friendships where i;d love to hear your advice:
almost a year ago i stumbled upon an old acquaintance at a social event and by just speaking my mind about childhood trauma, it clicked with her so strongly that we became very close friends till this day. there’s a great deal of honesty, respect, support and intimacy of the character for a true ally which i’m really glad to have. yet, while there are parts i’m healthier at and others that she is, i find myself emotionally developing neediness and internally repeating childhood dynamics and neglected feelings. for example neediness for a hug or feeling strong rejection after a cancelled hangout from life circumstance. i’m fully aware that things are off and come from my current processing and healing of wounds, but still this is frustrating. For example a “rejection” recently threw me back to the trauma of my mother’s silent treatment which was cruel and cold blooded. it’s not the first time and we have talked about these occurrences with great honesty and respect which helps me and gives healthy feedback, but on the other hand this is a really weird for me. it feels almost like an unhealthy romance in the making and i’m not attracted to her. also, to some extent this helps me to be more aware and find out of old emotional trauma wounds but i can’t shake the feeling that something in the dynamic is off on my part. That is, i want to feel wanted and respected but i don’t want to be needy and recreate my repressed emotions.
do you have any advice other than continuing my healing journey and communicating as clear as possible my struggles?
Thanks and with deep appreciation,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Warm greetings. And thanks for sharing. I’m actually off traveling rather intensely in a remote part of the world right now and I’m not quite in the headspace of giving advice… But maybe others are? But I’m really wishing you the best, and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I’d read your message! Daniel
Daniel, your work has been indispensable in my journey to save my life.
Thank you so much,
Dan
Thank you Dan!
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I am happy to make your acquaintance.
As someone who has always had the inclination to lead a rather unconventional lifestyle, being something of an outsider has caused me a great deal of trouble with the mental health system. I too have done my fair share of hitchhiking and spontaneous adventuring. Unfortunately, some adventurers are not as well-received as others. This lifestyle choice, as well as other rejections towards standard models living, has been deemed as ‘symptomatic of psychosis’. So my experience with the mental health system has been very difficult, to say the least.
I have had the misfortune of being involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital 22 (yes, 22) times in my 28 years of life. For the past 2 decades, it has been a living hell of forced drugging, beatings, mutilation, humiliation, incrimination, abuse, exploitation, manipulation, torture, mockery, isolation, civil rights violations, soul death, mind death, resistance, handcuffing, ‘guardianship’ battles, self-mutilation, drug overdoses, kidnapping, and perhaps, even worst of all, the mundane drudgery of enduring ‘group time’. So, coupled with the conditioning of therapists that is usually tailored to suit their maladaptivity-perpetuating business models, I have thus been molded into further incompetence.
While I don’t claim to be the victim of these circumstances, I still am much like an ex-con who has trouble adapting and assimilating to the newfound external world after a lengthy prison sentence. And frankly, this situation has become utterly laughable. I have been called every name in the book: ADD, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression, Bipolar, HPPD, Asperger’s, Personality Disorder, Schizoaffective, and for the grand finale, I have been slurred with what is commonly referred to these days as Schizophrenia. So I have begun to to take none of this seriously, which is not necessarily to my own detriment.
So now that I’ve established a brief outline of the deep shit I find myself in, I would like to ask you a few questions. How do I survive? How do I resist incurring any more permanent brain damage than I already have? How do I avoid further entrapment in psychiatric torture rings? And more importantly, how do I escape from my individual family unit which has been the sole contributing factor to prolongment of this mess? See, I have a ‘family’ of psychopaths that all gang up on me in a strive to scapegoat and triangulate me into further diagnosis and hospitalization. I have a very, very, very fucked up ‘family’. Unfortunately, at this time, I still rely upon them for my survival needs. Part of the reason why this is the case is because:
1. I have no social skills or life skills which makes it difficult to function in society.
2. I have been imprisoned to the point of incompetence.
3. I have a great deal of trouble assimilating into a standard employment setting because I cannot stand even the thought of having the soul beaten out of me at a 9-5 job.
4. Whoring oneself to a disability label can only take you so far if your aim is to not live in the ghetto.
5. I have no formal college education which limits my employment opportunities and this is in the pure awareness that college can lead me into a much darker place intellectually and medically than I find myself in currently.
6. The mistakes I have made have impaired my reputation and my abilities to gain and maintain independent housing, employment, and education.
I suppose I very well could get a job as a waiter, somebody in the IT field, or even as a plumber. I can try doing any of that, make the sacrifice of my creative spirit, risk failure, and gain maybe even a sliver of fulfillment in the preservation of my independence. That part of me seems to be warring with the vagabond in me that still wants to live on the edge. But sadly that life won’t work ever again for me.
Maybe pretending to see a psychiatrist and pretending to take medication for the time being is the most suitable option while I live with these people. I don’t know. I’m about as honest as a 5 year old on truth serum in front of someone with a physical deformity. So lying might be a difficult undertaking.
So with all of this being said, please give me any advice you may have on how to end this waking nightmare. I could really benefit from some motivation, input, and Chicago-based resources from someone with an intelligent mind. Your YouTube channel has been one of the only forces of reason I have been able to find when considering these matters. So I want to thank you from the core of my heart for all you have done. You really keep me going.
With honor and respect,
Anonymous
Hi! Oh— I’m not sure what advice to give, to be honest. I wish I had some good advice. It sounds just rotten! But I have seen people in situations like yours where things improve dramatically. Right now I am on the road and I have almost no Internet. My head is totally elsewhere, so I’m not sure quite what to say. But I just wanted to reply and say I am thinking of you and I am wishing you great strength. Daniel
Hello Peter,
Having had some common experiences with you, my break came with discovering spirituality and knowing unequivocally who I truly am. In that moment all my problems took a subordinate position even if they didn’t disappear, and I have been on a healing journey ever since. I quit the 9 to 5, leaving a lod of money on the table, and in any case had burned all bridges behind me anyways. Through the addictions, losing money, etc, that realization held me up through everything and I continue to work on myself. Thats the thing – healing from this is a daily task, almost the only task, and it can pay the bills itself. Somehow my bills get paid.
You come to learn that there’s really nothing wrong with being alone (This point is how I found Daniel’s channel and everything he said resonated on such a deep level) and that you really cant die from these problems unless you allow yourself to, and you also see that death is nothing but your own energy anyway, nothing wrong with dying, sexuality, being ‘bad’, even being crazy – all of these things are allowed to be. You learn how to accept- allow – things to be as they are and in so doing give yourself tremendous power to heal, i.e. *adopt a new state of being* the words in asterisks are what healing is about, its what some religions call ‘repentance’. Essentially, healing requires opening your mind really wide because the reason why life seems painful is because of massively nonsense beliefs we ‘ve accepted about among others good and bad, morality, how much money you should have, when, and progress you should make, who you should worship and even who you are etc. To really heal you cant subscribe to anything without question and have to let go of a lot. Life becomes about your inner world more than any job you can take – it becomes about what feels good, because thats what leads you to where you are or should be going. At some point, you stop caring what will happen because its all good here and it feels stable.
Some of the teachings that have majorly helped me were Advaita Vedanta and teachers like Bentinho Massaro, Abraham Hicks. Bentinho’s Trinfinity Academy (free) especially cuts to the chase and if you are looking for something, you will not be able to put it down, though the material made me really uncomfortable because of my limiting beliefs. But if you don’t find colid answers there, I don’t know where else you can find them.
When you do get to healing work itself, reading wasnt enough for me, and I almost gave up and lost in addictions (several!) unti I discovered a silly-looking method called EFT Tapping. Whats special about it is that our programming and social conditioning that makes us repeat self defeating patterns isnt in the mind but stored in our energy field, and EFT and other variants such as Matrix Reimprinting reach in there and neutralize ego-defenses to your True Being (but the right perspective is needed to bridge this process, hence the need for the proper spiritual mindset) There are hundreds of people like you and me on the journey who continue to write sequences that take you through a healing process and I have tapped to so many of them the last 1 year, and I am a remarkably different human being from the one who started.
What I’m saying is that this is an inner game. The outside circumstances only reflect that. I leave that here and if you’re prepared to hear it, you will, but if not it will sail right past you, and you will do nothing. And that’s perfectly okay, but always remember the option always exists. That was my experience anyways.
Love
Tony
Daniel, I’ve really wanted to upload my own videos where I bounce off your videos and share my own stories and experiences – to tell you HOW MUCH I RELATE to all your stories and experiences.. Hating the fakeness of university; having parents who were too cowardly to defend me from bullies, etc. You’ve asked for an ally, and I’ve wanted to be that ally through making my own videos for you to watch and listen to.
But I’m at such a horrible, awful place in my life right now. Before I had found your channel, I had tried to break from my parents in an extremely reckless and dangerous way (living in shelters). And on top of that, psychiatrists gave me meds which have screwed up my brain even more. I’m worried I might even have neurological damage from some of my coping mechanisms (self harm). I would love to make my own videos, to be that ally that you’re looking for. But I’m dealing with the most excruciatingly awful period in my life, due to the absolutely foolhardy and reckless way I tried to go about living on my own.
Wishing you the best, Pat — great strength. Life can be so difficult, but really can improve. Daniel
I can totally understand why I made the decision to move out. It’s similar to the reason you love travelling and hitchhiking. I was so tired of being addicted to the internet at my parents’ place, playing computer games all day.. They never taught me any cool, practical skills like building a house. I wanted to experience the world, I wanted to do all the things my parents never taught me.. To experience nature.. There was so much more to life than just sitting in front of the computer all day playing games. I didn’t want to go down the path of so many young people and be addicted to screens my whole life (like my dad).
I should mention I’ve been back living with my parents for the past couple years.. Sadly, when I was out living alone, my dreams did not come to fruition. I never learned to build a house, because I was so stuck in my comfort zone that I grew up with. I didn’t find anyone to mentor me like I wish I had, to teach me those skills. What happened was, I carried all my traumas and weaknesses with me and it held me back a lot.
I honestly don’t know if things will ever change. 🙁
I just called the cops on my child abusing dad and my siblings warned him and he destroyed all his ‘collections’, im watching ur stuff and everything u say is true, thank u, i feel crazy being alone, honestly my whole life i felt crazy acting out wo knowing why and feeling horrible not knowing why, telling the truth i feel the best of my life like slime is wiped off, even tho externally i have no one, i never had those traitors stuck in stockholm
Hope it all goes okay!
Is treating PTSD without medication possible? I don’t wanna take any meds. But what if a PTSD is severe?
For sure, Hopie, it is possible. I’ve seen it many times. It can be a difficult and painful journey, mostly is from what I’ve seen, but medications are definitely not necessary, and sometimes the medications make the situation worse. I’ve done a lot of healing from painful trauma without medications, and I know people with much worse trauma do it also.
Wishing you the best on your healing path.
Daniel
Hello Daniel OR anyone else,
do you know any therapist online who opposes psychiatry and also on using psychiatric drugs and who is honest, Caring, loving and supportive?
Because I would like to talk to him/her to discuss some of my things through his/her Email. So is she or he has there own website, it will be a lot helpful too.
Hi Anyo — I’m a little out of the loop with referrals these days, but I think the website madinamerica.com has a list of therapists who might fit the bill…
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel.
I just found your Youtube channel and I’ve found many of your videos to be helpful in my personal healing journey. I strongly suspect myself of being somewhere on the scale of traumatized, as you discuss in your “Everyone is Traumatized” video, and I am in the process of getting in touch with my inner self more. I am at a point where I feel like I’m misunderstood by all of the people around me, even professionals like therapists and psychiatrists who try to help me, and I’m looking forward to embracing my own agency in my healing process. As much as I think your videos have helped me and the people around you, I worry about your views towards medication and how they might be taken by people who are struggling. Admittedly, I am very young (just out of college) and I am NOT an expert in medicine or psychology aside from a few classes. However, I know many people in my personal life who have taken in the view that medications such as SSRIs are poisonous and damaging — people that are in dark points of their life, who lack the resources they need to better themselves in any other way.
To my understanding, the way that SSRIs SHOULD be used (although they very frequently are not) is that they should be taken to help get unhelpful or overwhelming feelings under control while the person goes through a guided healing process. For lots of people, SSRIs become a crutch to numb their emotions and disconnect with themselves, ultimately hindering that process. I think this is reflected in the fact that many people find that these medications help for the first many months of taking them, but they end up just as depressed as they were when they started after about a year of consistent use. I think this is terrible and is a major oversight in the way that psychiatry and therapy is practiced, when so many people are hurting due to trauma and not “brain imbalances.” However, many of the people in my life have taken in well-meaning messages that these medications are harmful and end up avoiding entirely what could be a helpful or necessary step in their healing journey.
My ex-boyfriend when we were both around 16 was a deeply depressed person, and had major issues with abandonment and isolation in his childhood that he was completely stunted by. He had dropped out of high school, wouldn’t brush his teeth or shower, and would stay up all night and sleep until the evening. He internalized the view that psychiatric medication was just a way to numb and underlying problem, but instead turned to hallucinogens like LSD to attempt to confront his feelings. Obviously, taking medication or not is an incredibly personal choice, and it wasn’t my place to force him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with. But, I can’t help but feel that if he had considered how the medication is supposed to be taken — as a temporary tool to help improve symptoms that are preventing healing, supplemented by rigorous mental work — he wouldn’t have felt the need to turn towards other substances. I am also a person who goes on and off SSRIs, and I think they’ve put a bandaid on a bigger issue that I still haven’t resolved. I am going through a deeply difficult time lately and do not have many support structures in place, and my feelings completely overwhelm me, and I sometimes injure myself as a way of processing them. I have started back on my medication temporarily, just because I believe that if I didn’t have something physically in place to help quell my emotions in the short-term I would physically be in danger, and I wouldn’t be able to start my path forward by how blinded I was by my overwhelming feelings.
So I agree with a lot about what you say about medication, but I also worry about how that rhetoric might harm people who don’t have many support structures in place. I hope this message doesn’t come off as overly critical, and I really do appreciate what you’re doing online and in the world. You probably have gotten other comments like this and have considered them, but I just worry about these things a little.
All the best,
Kate
Hi Kate,
Well, I certainly know some people who feel the medications helped them. I also know people who have killed themselves on psychiatric medications — even short-term doses. Also, I know a lot of people who start psychiatric drugs with the intention of being on them short and have a terribly difficult time gettin off them… And then there are also the side effects… Taking meds or not is definitely a personal choice. However, I think often people have a lot of healing resources within themselves that they don’t realize — and that I encourage — an inner exploration. Often things that people can do themselves (call is self-therapy or whatever) can help people deal with these feelings in a much healthier way than by taking any sort of drugs — and also do more than just deal with these feelings, but actually process them… A painful journey, yes, but one I have found to be worth it.
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hello Daniel!!!
Do You have any opinion on the subject of health anxiety (hypochondria)? What causes and what’s the cure for this specific mental condition?
Best Whishes,
J.M.
Hi JM,
I’ll have to think on it! It may be different things with different people… Maybe I’ll even make a video on it.
Sending you greetings-
Daniel
Hello Mr. Daniel Mackler, i would like to know your opinion on misandry and how common and unotice it is and how damaging it is for society.
Hi,
I know the question was for Daniel, but I know he has one video that briefly touches on the topic of misandry.
I think it’s the one titled “Society gives mothers a free pass to talk sexually about their sons.” (https://youtu.be/C8PQNEEPaLA)
He mentions how women get away with this because usually they’re the victims of being sexualized and men are often the perpetrators, therefore society gives women a free pass to do this to women (which IMO is not okay.)
I know this is not directly covering the topic of misandry, but I think that’s the closest video he has on the topic. I would be interested to hear Daniel’s thoughts on the topic as well.
Hi Marquis,
Yes, I think people in the world can redirect a lot of their rage and sadness and hurt and feelings of betrayal at their traumatizers from childhood onto one gender or another, and in so doing become quite prejudicial and sweeping in their attitudes. I think it’s fairly common.
Daniel
I totally agree with you on that Daniel, but that doesn’t explain why misandry goes unnoticed by the vast majority of society, while misogyny is very well known.
Incels are a living proof of modern misandry. Have you ever read about their philosophies? They have their ways of explaining this stuff.
How are Incels proof of modern misandry?Incels are a Product of the misandry in todays soceity.
That is what i meant by modern
In regards to “true joy versus fake joy”, I very much share your love for nature, which is by far the best example of feeling true joy. You’re right, being out there feels like connecting to your spirit – you feel as pure as the flowers, and as free as the cool river air. It feels like you don’t need anything else in this world – everything humans have built only detracts from this incredible majesty and purity. And the amazing thing is, nature costs absolutely nothing – you get to soak in this symphony for absolutely free. It’s truly an amazing, colorful gift, and it’s right under our noses.
Everytime I go out there, I’m awed at what I’ve been missing out on – I begin wondering why people don’t make more of an effort to tap into their spirit. And then I walk back home, where I have a TV and a microwave and other modern things, and I forget how magical I felt just an hour earlier. It’s amusing how drastically and quickly the magic fades, between the park and my apartment.
I can totally understand why you, Daniel, make such an effort to answer the question of why people are so disconnected from their spirit. That is to say, I can understand how nature inspired this pursuit you’ve embarked on. Like me, you want to live in a world where you can feel that incredible all the time, everywhere. In fact, I decided to write this because I’m missing that feeling right now as I sit in my apartment typing this.
(And modernity is not solely to blame. You see people doing all sorts of abusive, nasty things in the world and you wonder why the world has to be that way.)
Hi Daniel,
I recently came across one of your videos from some time ago, where you commented that animal activists are often wounded, traumatized people who are acting from a place of trauma. I found the topic to be incredibly interesting and I wanted to reach out to you to learn more about your views on this subject.
From my observations, I’ve noticed that many activists (not just animal activists) are angry people at their core and I am particularly interested in understanding how childhood trauma plays a role in becoming an activist. I used to be an animal activist myself, but since being on my healing journey, I’ve felt less compelled to go out and protest. I would like to know more about the link between childhood trauma and activism.
I would be extremely grateful if you could spare some time to share your thoughts on this subject with me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely
LT
Hi LT,
Yes, I’ve seen this to be true with a lot of activists — not all, though. It’s a displacement of otherwise healthy anger at one’s traumatizers from long ago, externalized onto a cause. And people also can project their feelings toward the victim they once were onto the victims in the cause in which they are active, and in so doing unconsciously seek justice for themselves by proxy. I wrote about this more, I believe, in my book Toward Truth…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
i’ve recently been thinking about the concept of growing pains. it is commonly said that children have pains because their bodies are growing, sometimes relatively fast. personally i remember how my legs hurt a lot at certain nights when i was about 10. But now that i’ve started to study my past (and grieve it)m i wonder how much of that pain is from my body’s growth and how much of it comes just from the shitty and emotionally abusive environment of my parents. Since this comes to the physical body, i will note that i’m not an expert or a doctor. Though, at least from my own experience the body and the emotional core are highly intertwined.
ideally, healthy growth i imagine as a wonderful thing and not a painful one. it’s as if the physical growth happens no matter what and the pain is from the emotional lack of growth from all the trauma around. like pushing through a barrier by force instead of just removing or opening it beforehand (or not even placing one).
What do you think?
Sincerely,
Roman
Makes sense
Roman, Dr John Sarno wrote physical pain (including growing pains) as subconcious emotional suffering. Highly recommend his work. And Steve Ozanich continues his work writing about this. All the best
Wow, Daniel! What a breath of fresh air you are! I am late to the game, as I just discovered your materials, but so grateful I did. It sure gives me hope that other real people with common sense not only exist, but they speak up and the information circulates. There is hope!! I finally want to make a leap into the counseling/therapy profession in the US, after many years of looking in from outside, but I am terrified of coming up against the system. Thank you for all the honest insights, together with like minded individuals I believe a significant change is possible.
Wishing you the best, Irina!
Daniel
I concur—-Daniel is precious, and you sound pretty precious yourself!
-Chris B.
Hi Daniel
Firstly I just want to appreciate your honesty that not many people possess, I am also honest about the way I am feeling a lot of the time and I find not many people appreciate it especially the psychologist I was seeing, she told me I have a social communication disorder then told me that she can no longer see me due to her being unwell, however she told me she was unwell a month ago and didn’t give me any notice whatsoever as to her dropping me so I feel like she dropped me because she didn’t like me I was given no explanation as to why I have this disorder and we didn’t even have another appointment to explain things over. Nonetheless I feel dismissed everytime I have been to therapists because they have not listened to me and what I have been through instead they all think I have a low iq of 69, this makes me feel powerless and hopeless like I can’t do anything to help myself. I just want someone to actually listen to me for once, my problems started when I my mum got sick from cancer when I was 9 and passed away two years later ever since that my dad has just been trying get into new relationships, he ended up physically assaulting one women for years and I saw this happen until he went to jail when I was 15 and I had to move to move in with my grandparents. I was bullied a lot at my new school by the teachers and students because i was labelled as being dumb, once my dad got out of jail I moved in back with him but couldn’t stay because he manipulated me into giving all my inheritance to him and he spent it on drugs, whole I was running out of money and I didn’t know how to help myself, I eventually moved back into my grandparents but I was kicked out last year due to not being able to hold a job while studying, I got too stressed and went to the gp almost everyday and they couldn’t help me. Now I am back at my dad’s but he is planning to kick me out in two months and I don’t know what to do, I want help but I feel like no one can help me. All I really I want is someone to listen to me and care about me, I actually feel stuipd because that’s all I am told by everyone around me I feel like I don’t even know who I am. Sorry for the long rant, I appreciate whoever reads my comment
I’m really wishing you the best, Hayley!
Daniel
Dear Hayley, thanks for sharing your story. It is heartbreaking and I am very sorry.
And I also feel sorry that you were not taken care of by this therapist. I don’t think that you have been properly diagnosed here, I not even have heard that such a psychiatric concept exists.
I think it’s great that you reach out to find help or rather to find out how to help yourself. I think you are asking the right question here. Because it’s true. With such an amount of violence, grief and loss that you describe you have experienced you have to learn to help yourself because others cannot do it for you.
The good thing is that there are many, many people that have walked that path and have found relief.
I’ll give you a couple of resources that I all know are safe and beneficial from my experience and that might be of help for you:
1. A book by Jack Kornfield “The Wise Heart. A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology” – It’s a very well written introduction to the Buddhist teachings by a meditation teacher and psychologist. I recommend it to you because he found himself in the same situation as you in his early twenties. He grew up with a father that abused his mother physically and found himself confused and in a lot of pain as a young man.
One of the most important messages that I got out of this book when I was also in a similarly difficult situation in my twenties was that at my core there was nothing wrong with me (I was sent to therapy when I was ten and it made me believe that I was wrong and broken at my core) – but quite the opposite, at my core I was just as every human being beautiful and resourceful and that I had everything to find my way through even overwhemlmingly diffcult things.
2. Once a month there is an online group organized by New York’s Eastside Institute. They do Social Therapy, an approach to psychotherapy and social activism that puts connection and mutual group support in a warm and compassionate atmosphere at its center. The monthly online group meeting is called Creating Our Mental Health and you can there connect with others who are struggling or have been through crises and difficulties and you will be very welcome to share about yourself and what you are going through with the group and the facilitators/therapists. I think that they also offer indiviudal online support if you should need it.
3. Also a wonderful opportunity to learn in a group setting about how you can learn to support yourself with your challenges is the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) Seminar I. run online by the Copeland Center. You can also find out about if a group that you could meet in person in your region exists. You can apply for a scolarship in case you cannot afford participation.
4. Last but not least: Try yoga that helps you to learn to support your body and mind reducing stress levels and bring them back to a good place. Try to do it once or twice a week for 20-40 minutes on Youtube during a couple of weeks (Kassandra is great for beginners) and I bet that you will find it extremely beneficial as a support in your struggles in no time and you will naturally want to do more. – Science has the evidence that for people who have experienced overwhelming amounts of grief, stress and loss as we have Yoga is the best starting point.
The famous book The Body Keeps the Scar by one of the leading psychiatrists and reasearchers into childhood adverse experience Bessel van der Kolk has a very funny message that is not very flattering to psychiatry and psychotherapy. It states that despite 40 years of research common psychotherapeutic interventions still have to prove its efficacy and in general doesn’t help people. But that there is one group that does exceedingly well. It is those who decide to take their life and healing journey into their own hands and do something with yoga.
I wish you many blessings on your path!
Thankyou so much for you kind message. I will try some of the things you suggested. Apparently social communication disorder is a actual diagnosis but it’s similar to what they thought I had before, which was autism, but I have always thought in my heart that it was wrong. I don’t like labels. My youth worker also ditched me yesterday so that was good of her, she said I was too much to handle and she couldn’t help me anymore and suggested I go to another therapist but I am scared of going back since I feel like they never listen to me and judge me. So now I pretty much have no one to talk to, I have no friends, can’t hold a job, going to be kicked out of the house in 2 months so it’s just too much for me at the moment it’s hard to have a clear mind. Now I am almost 23 and feel very far behind in life, I feel I need to fix this soon otherwise it will be too late.
Salutations!
My name is Sebastian Francois. I am studying Social Work (BSW). After reading some comments, I learned that you obtained your MSW from NYU. Hopefully, you understand what I am trying to convey to you. What was once an affinity and passion soon become something I despise. Each day in Social Work school becomes unbearable as I dislike Social Work—especially the kind of practice I’m currently using in my field placement.
Interestingly, I stumbled upon your video “Why I Quit Being a Therapist.” Your video resonated with me greatly because I’m in the final year of undergraduate studies where I have field placement. In my field placement, I work as an intern practitioner giving young children social-emotional support. It is emotionally taxing. I’m 21 years old and I’m lost in my life.
Any advice? Thank you very much!
Sincerely,
Sebastian Francois
Hi Sebastian,
Well, I guess for me the key was finding a place where I felt I fit in and where I didn’t hate the field — and then developing myself and my skills there… And then as quickly as possible heading into private practice — more privacy, less of the horrible system….. Wishing you the best! Daniel
Thank you very much for your advice! How do you find a place where you feel you fit in?
A lot of hard work and searching…
Hello David. It’s been a few years for me and im still liking your content and return to your old videos as it is still hard to find people like you on the subject of family dysfunction. I am almost ready to let this topic go at this point in my journey but there is this lingering resentment/anger I feel when I hear therapists talk about how because parents didn’t know what they didn’t know and everything can be traced back to it being capitalisms fault, that at the end of the day a child chooses to be angry with the parent because they have to be mad at someone.. I understand this thought process as being helpful for the parents to relieve their guilt and heal, but I have heard it being explained with such a dismissive attitude from mainly older generations that it seems like many say it to avoid taking responsibility or allow themselves to be held accountable. I’ve heard many older therapists say this in context to their relationships with their own children who have chosen no contact with them. Anyways, do you have any tips as to how I can move past this roadblock?
Hi Rebecca
Thank you for sharing what goes on for you about certain perspectives of psychotherapists. In the end you say that you experience this situation as a roadblock.
I won’t directly going into giving you advice. I rather have questions.
Why do you see that these opinions of psychotherapists are blocking your road? The image that comes to my mind is that you are on your path and then see some fire in the forest and you leave your path to go and see what’s going on. And there you meet this bunch of psychotherapists sitting around a bonfire, drinking too much and sharing their theretical perspectives on life inspired by bourgeois thinking of the 19th century (Freud, Marx) and that involves claims that people like you are on the wrong path. And now you sit down with them and begin to discuss with them with a certain motivation, and true, you are not anymore on your path.
When this happens often to you, it is worthwhile to have a closer look at this to find out what it is that keeps you emotionally stuck in inner discussions with these guys.
What is it that you hope to achieve here? And is it a realistic hope that you can achieve this?
My experience is that on my path there are a lot of challenges around cutting through the illusion that white older men (and their wives) have somehow all figured it out. I think here the fallacy is that not only we but also them themselves are prone to think that because they possess the most political power and privileged access to resources worldwide that they also have the best insights into life’s important questions. But it is not true.
It is not that they don’t have skills or knowledge but despite certain liberatory rhetorics that come with it I think that their direction is not one of freedom, justice, and love, but quite the opposite. They are simply a part of the ruling classes and the most important thing that these people have to do is to secure their positions and privileges. And on the left it is done through pseudo-liberatory theories and practices like Neo-Marxism and Psychotherapy. And this is what’s being discussed at this bonfire.
Rebecca, as far as I can see, with all the drinking and stuckness that is going on at that bonfire they are people who are not even able to take good care of themselves. There is nothing that you can learn from them.
What is it that you aspire to?
If you want to find true love and understanding I think you should definitely look out for wisdom and liberatory practices elsewhere and go and look for yourself what that could be for you.
Hi Daniel
I want to thank you a lot for sharing your insights around violence against children in families and how to get out of this hell and reclaim one’s life.
I bumped into your videos exactly at the time where I was preparing to not see my mother anymore because life with her had brought me to a burn-out in my thirties. I then immediately ordered your book Breaking Away from Your Parents.
I am writing to let you know that it has served me greatly over the last five years. I see that the process has come to a point where I am able to not allow anyone in my family anymore to drag me back into our old ways of relating.
The stories that you tell of yourself and other people were so helpful because I didn’t feel alone with my struggles and challenges. The insights you share on a more abstract psychological level about for example the guilt trips that are triggered inside spontaneously towards your parent when you begin to put your own healty needs and interests first were also incredibly helpful. In the beginnning I remember this kind of inner experience was very strong and painful. But then after one day the latest I could see through and connect my experience to what you had described in your videos and book.
I could give you many more examples of how helpful your work was for me.
What I was maybe the least prepared was the grief about breaking away. I found it extremely painful to lose these family connections. I already lost my father when I was a child and nobody acknowleged it or helped me understand my pain and I not only stopped seeing my mother but I also ended the relationships with my siblings and greater family afterwards because I found out that this was necessary too. Even though I knew exactly why I was ending these relationsships and that it was the only way to get my life and spirits back I sometimes found myself in the deepest pain of losing them as real people. Also breaking through the illusionary hopes of being loved and wanted someday by my family members that had kept me going within the familiy for a long time was painful.
I am very proud now that I made it to the other side. I feel like I have liberated myself from a millstone that was tied to my back since I was a little child of abusive parents figuratively and when I was suffering from episodic depression for almost twenty years before the break with my family I see my mental health now slowly and happily restored.
Sometimes I tell people about it all because they want to know why I am able to take such good care of myself and where they can learn some of it themselves. I then mention that beside other things like yoga, meditation and self-help group formats it was an ex-therapist with a channel on Youtube that was the greatest personal support from outside that I received.
Thank you!
Thank you Leah! I really appreciate hearing this.
Daniel
Yeah, detaching from all the things with which one is familiar and even comfortable, even if unhealthy or worse, is serious business.
-Chris B.
Hey Daniel, I’m the commenter whom initially brought up selective mutism and I just watched your video on it. I just wanted to express gratitude for your voiced thoughts on the subject – your observations on people sensing you can be trusted when you honour their silence is SPOT ON in my experience as to this day I remember the rare adults who were accepting of my silence because they left a good lasting impression on me. I sent the video to my older sister with whom I was unfortunately selectively mute with when I was younger (she never hurt me – likely a trauma projection) so she can perhaps understand herself better why our relationship was so strange in childhood even though she’s practically the only person in my family I trust! (And again, her respecting my silence when I had it is a reason why I love her and speak to her when I’m estranged from most of my family – very rare to have that respected)
I’m rambling, but honestly I really enjoyed the food for thought and I really appreciate some extra input regarding such a strange disorder and wanted you to know you’re spot on in your own experiences and observations of other selectively mute people. So many thanks and thanks for honouring the boundaries of us quieter folk! 🙂
Thanks Alex! Warm greetings 🙂
Daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for sharing your experiences on your YT channel. I found you during my research on why anyone would ever decide to have children in this chaotic world, which led me to your video “Why is it a bad idea to have kids?” and I have learned a lot from you since.
I believe I have parents that have the same psychological profile as yours and, thanks to you and others like you, I have understood what was done to me and I have done my best to break from them, internally and externally.
I am about to start reading “Breaking from Your Parents” (thank you for writing it and publishing it) and I have a question for you:
I’ve recently finished reading “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker and “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller. Have you read them and what are your thoughts on them?
Cheers, take care Mr. Mackler.
– Enlightened Witness
Hello!
I haven’t read the Pete Walker book, but I’ve read all of Alice Miller’s work, and interviewed her son on my Youtube channel. I think she was brilliant and on-point in so many ways, but also very screwed up…
Here’s a webpage I have on her, linking to things I’ve written: https://wildtruth.net/on-alice-miller/
And here is a link to a playlist of my Youtube videos on her, including my interview with her son: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjA-1rT8xCYrjjI_y5aJrfw
Warm greetings—
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I have read the same book and I really liked it. In particular, it was probably the first place I encountered the concept of ’emotional flashback’. I have found it rather useful for putting my present-day relational difficulties, weird feelings and general suffering in their proper context as remnants of the crappy experiences of my childhood, not as responses to my actual reality. The book also helped me by showing that my screw-up-edness is a normal result of the conditions I was raised in, and not something ‘fundamentally’ wrong and evil about me, and that healing is possible.
I am now reading another one of his books, “The Tao of Fully Feeling”.
So, what I wanted to say is I would also love to hear your thoughts on this guy and his work, if you did decide to read his books!
Cheers,
Ignas
Hi Daniel,
Do you have any advice on how to keep being empathic but not too much? That is, how not to over empathies to the level that it negatively affects yourself? Personally the more i’m connected with myself and grieve my historic traumas, i feel more able to feel empathy for others and slowly also for myself. but sometimes i find it hard to “operate” in the world, especially when i hear horrible things of others’ pasts. Is it possible to be compassionate for other people and not “soak in” so much empathically?
Thanks.
Hi Roman
Since you haven’t got an answer from Daniel up to now I feel invited to say something.
I think what you experience is very common – both ways actually – either to not be moved at all by other’s stories or getting drawn into it so much that you are not really of good help to the other person.
Personally I have found the psychology of mindfulness and of compassion and self-compassion that heavily draws on Buddhist meditative insights of the workings of the mind most helpful.
Instantly there comes a resource to my mind, an online training that is offered by the Buddhist online magazine Tricyle with Sharon Salzberg to my mind that is called Real Love, a five weeks introduction to mindfulness and compassion meditation.
Sharon has tremendous knowledge here.
ok, i got part of the answer from the video “Feeling Other People’s Denied Feelings — Exploring Empathy and Projective Identification”
Hi Daniel.
I discovered you last week whilst I was looking at some of Alice’s Miller books. I’ve also discovered her recently (Gabor Mate recommended her first book, which I read and her views opened my eyes and made me realise some mistakes I have done to my own daughter). I decided to apologise to my daughter, despite the advice of everyone that slapping her was not anything major and she should learn not to swear which was what I also thought when I did it (it was for her own good…). But after reading her books (and 2 more after that), it was clear to me that I was just perpetuating the behaviour of my father (who was the good one of my parents – I had realised from a young age that my mother was very unstable and dangerous, but my dad was the good one, the one that was hitting us with control and was caring about us…). So, this had to stop and I should be the one to do it. When I said to my daughter what I have understood and that it was an abuse of my power to slap her and I shouldn’t have done it, it had such an impact on her that she started talking to me and telling me all the things she has suffered from her dad (with whom we are now divorcing) but till now she had kept it for herself, trying to protect him. It was shocking for me to see the effect of accepting the truth of being wrong had on her.
And then, I read your critique on Alice Miller and thought, hmmm… Maybe he is right. Maybe she is not so perfect as I thought. How was she with her own children? And I came across your interview of her son, that was an even deeper eye-opening experience… I have ordered his book too. I know I will not feel the same admiration towards her after reading that, but
I will always be grateful for what she has written and will recommend her books to parents/parents to be, because there is a chance that some of the harm we inflict in our children may be avoided… And if they can read her books, then I may even be braver and recommend your videos…
Hi Emmanuella. Yes, Alice Miller is brilliant and her ideas are largely excellent…but had a lot of unresolved issues…. I still recommend her books to people… Wishing you the best on your journey! Daniel
Surprising that you would recommend Miller’s books considering that she, apparently, was a major hypocrite.
Hi Christine,
I recommend her works, but with a caveat or asterisk… I put three of her books at the top of my list of recommended books: https://wildtruth.net/some-book-recommendations-psychology-and-more/
I feel her basic ideas (or most of them) are still excellent, in spite of her personal limitations and hypocrisy…
Daniel
Thank you for your response Daniel.
To have an excellent idea and not endeavor to practice it oneself indicates ego blindness. We need much less talk and way more walk.
Reminds of when I hear a certain pop star on the radio or at the grocery store and have LOVED most of his music since I was a little girl, but as it turns out and can really no long be refuted, was a blazing pedophile. Poor guy; so lost and degenerate .
Yes…I agree.
Thanks for your comment. I felt very sad when I first read Daniel’s ideas. But I’ve adjusted over time. My daughter is only 3 years old but like you’ve found, it’s amazing what a difference to your relationship and their well being when you change behaviour.
Sounds so good and am happy for you. Change can be brutal—I mean REAL, honest to goodness CHANGE!
Hi Daniel, why you are not replying to the comments on your website? Why is it taking too long? And In which day and time you replies the most?
Hello Nayigiri —
I do my best to reply to comments when I have time. Sometimes I’m extremely busy doing other things — traveling, trying to make money, etc… But I do my best here! It just takes a lot of mental energy for me…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Lately i’ve been thinking about children of parents from the USSR. As one myself, born in Ukraine and immigrated (with my parents) to israel at a very young age, i start to notice a recurring “theme” of sorts. from what i’ve gathered till now, and i feel only at the beginning of my journey and piecing of my history, i;ve experienced a lot of neglect, fright, mockery, distance of authority between me and my parnets, silent treatments and the “holy grail” of spanking. There was a general feeling of terror and coldness at home and the perception of more like a pet to be commended. Personally i’d even say that my spirit and true self were beaten down very early on.
And as i started my healing journey, i’ve noticed that i’m not alone in my experience. for example i’m taking quite a distance from my parents and barely speak with them and i heard of other people with soviet parents who are similar. it probably helps that i’m now in israel and not still in the soviet block because here people notice the stiffness and hardness of russian people, to the point that even a psychiatrist i went to once told me something similar.
So first i’d want to ask you (or anyone else that wants to respond), since you’ve been a therapist in New York, have you came across a similar phenomena? That there’s a similarity in the traumas of people from russian or soviet origin?
Secondly, unfortunately i have no real allies or people to talk and compare experiences with within my extended family. lately i’ve learnt that one of my cousins, who’s approximately 13 years old, decided on her own accord to go a boarding school and visits home only on holidays. When i integrate my memories from their (her parents, my uncle and aunt) house and add the way they treat their pets, it made complete sense to me she’d want to get away from them. one of my intuitive reactions was to call her to give some support for her decision. But, at the age of 13 when she’s still dependent on her parents, i fear i’ll “spill too much” about childhood trauma since this is a big chunk of what occupies me now. i don;t think it is a good time for that. On the other hand, i imagine that if someone came to support me at the age of 13 it would be almost like a miracle, even though i’d probably would have been too dissociated. and yes, i see the fantasy of what i wanted in this.
So what do you think? is there any benefit of talking with her even if just a little without going “all out” or is it too big of a risk for her life right now?
Either way, thank you.
Roman.
Interesting insightful post thank you for sharing and wondering what insights Daniel would provide
I submitted this earlier, but it never posted, so I’ll try again.
I’ve started a self-therapy peer support group on the chat app Discord. This group operates off of principles similar to those espoused on this website, and even uses resources lent to me by Daniel himself. If anyone would be interested in joining this self-therapy peer support group, you can use this link to join: https://discord.gg/FUSxZ4tS5T
I just ask that you read the rules and principles of the group in their entirety before participating.
Thanks!
Sounds excellent!
Hi daniel, i have seen in your videos that you say medications are bad. so my question is,
Are all mental illness treatable without medications ?
He has documentaries about recovering from schizophrenia without medication. Schizophrenia is usually considered to be the most extremely mental condition, so if that’s possible, any mental distress can be recovered from if approached properly.
Hi Joshua,
Well, I believe that psychological problems are healable, given the right set of emotional and social circumstances for healing. Sometimes it could take a long time, though. The problem is, a lot of what gets labeled as “mental” illness isn’t necessarily mental at all — for instance, brain damage from psychiatric drugs that were initially given to treat so-called “mental” illness. Later the effects of the psych drugs (or the effects of their withdrawal) gets also labeled as “mental” illness, where it’s actually neurological damage and often NOT so easy to heal… Social and emotional support can help, though… Wishing you the best, Daniel
Daniel,
I owe you an apology, which I realized after watching your video “Real consent versus fake consent”. I had made a criticism of your channel in the past, but I didn’t ask for your consent/permission to make the criticism first. I feel like a big jerk now in hindsight, and rightly so.
For reference, the criticism is when I left a comment here on wildtruth where I basically said “while I greatly appreciate and agree with the message behind your videos, they tend to be repetitive.”
I feel especially bad about that comment, considering your videos have been a beacon of light for me after a lifetime of interacting with fake, bitter adults in the fake, bitter society society they’ve created. This was a horrible way for me to say thank you, by giving you unsolicited criticism. I am so sorry. I understand that it must’ve felt terrible to you. Again, I feel like a jerk.
And the irony is, the more I come to realize how right you are about the enormous magnitude of a child’s emotional needs.. how spontaneous and creative children are, and how quickly adults crush that spark.. the more I realize that it’s OKAY that your vides are repetitive. The truth behind your videos can’t diminish.
Thank you for having such an enormous amount of empathy, courage, insight, wisdom and love for truth. I could never put out videos like yours, because I’m way too afraid to speak out in this fake society around me.
Very heart-warming, as heartfelt apologies usually are.
Hi Pat, this is very kind of you to say, but definitely no apology necessary! I appreciated that comment that you said, and actually I do repeat myself a lot, and sometimes it concerns me! Yet the thing that goes through my head again and again is that the message bears repeating, and that I try to tackle it from different angles. And by the way, no need to ask permission to criticize me or my point of view! Criticism is fair. Warm greetings! Daniel
Yeah, that is so true.And when one thinks about it many of our issues in life revolved around a central dilemma that one is “tackling from different angles.”
Well upon delving into your channel even deeper, I discovered that your videos are not as repetitive as I initially thought. You have many fresh insights that do indeed cover the topic from a wide variety of angles. So my criticism was spoken too soon.
Hi Daniel,
I am glad to hear your thoughts about having children and subtle forms of abuse that occur from parent to child.
As a mother of a 3-year-old it was hard to hear but I think I’ve known these things deep down but never found the words to describe. Although excruciating, I’m now in the process of examining myself, and starting to think and act in ways that I hope will help my daughter.
I do not think we should give up hope of being able to improve the experiences of children in our society.
Hi Daniel, my name is Nick and I recently came across your videos on YouTube. Pretty much everything you say resonates with me. I became a therapist after going to Rutgers grad school in 2013. I’m about to be ten years into this profession and a part of me wants to quit. I did do a lot of good in the last several years and I’m proud of it. I even earned a Humanism award from a foundation that funded the agency I worked at. I want to quit because I’m disgusted with some of the people I’ve worked with. I share your views on therapy and it was nice to know I’m not alone. And like yourself I desire to do other things. I’m also a musician. There was a time when I studied Percussion in college. I passed my juries at the end of the first year and I switched majors. I didn’t leave music and in fact I’ve been slowly making my way back into it. I play in a jazz band with some nice people which hopefully is just the beginning of my return to music. Thank you for the inspiration and thank you for being honest about yourself and honest about Psychotherapy.
Hi Daniel, you have been a therapist for 8 years right? So in those times do you have any clients who have Algophobia (fear of physical pain)?.
And Daniel, I have been going through Algophobia ever since my childhood. because when i was young, one day i was playing with my friends and suddenly i fell on the floor which broke my elbow and it was very painful. anyway it got healed after some months but from that time onwards i started fearing physical pain. So Daniel, I have some questions if you reply them one by one it will be very helpful for me;
1. I don’t wanna take any medication to treat my algophobia. Is medication important to treat this phobia? What if this is severe?
2. And as i am currently going through algophobia, now i also fear other things like electricity, fire etc as all of these causes pain and physical distress. So can a good psychologist be able to get me out of all of these?
3. Is there even any HOPE for me to get out from this without medication?
You REALLY should look into EFT and phobia or EMDR or phobias, primarily because you have a clear traumatic memory and psychogenesis of your symptoms.
These kinds of modalities help you re live that event and process the memory which in turn should heal that fear of pain. It these modalities tend to have long term results in comparison to things like CBT etc.
Hi Daniel,
You have just crossed my youtube path and to be honest I never reach out like this but I have just watched your Questioning Forgiveness video from 4 years ago and basically, YES YES YES to that message!!!
For a long time, I struggled with the concept of forgiveness and finally decided that some things are simply unforgiveable and all the bypassing that happens everywhere only deepens the trauma.
Firmly laying down the blame where it truly belonged (psychologically and emotionally) was such an act of self-love and left me feeling so free and so much lighter as I no longer carried that BS around.
Thank you for your videos. They are such an inspiration.
Best wishes from Scotland
Thank you Alison,
Much appreciated. I’m wishing you only the best! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I simply want to thank you for your bravery to put yourself out there and be a friend or a companion to so many of us. It’s so hard to find anyone who respects and fully empathizes with the child’s perspective. With your videos and your essays I feel less lonely and I’m so grateful to you.
All the best,
Simon
Thanks Simon,
Much appreciated!
Daniel
I agree. Daniel has been a resonating voice for those of us that struggle with the attitudes of the world around us.
Daniel, I’m watching this youtube channel that criticizes the government and politicians as being our slavemasters and oppressors. I think that person’s criticisms of the government are ultimately correct, but it’s still so boring to listen to!! Even people like that who criticize the government are still stuck in a loop where it’s all they can talk about.. and they still fail to express their true inner creativity. That’s just how most adults are I suppose – whether they support the government or oppose it, they’re still boring and cannot tap into their inner child. It feels like I’m stuck in history class again, bored out of my mind. For me, this reinforces what you say about how politics reflects our family dynamics, and how we should focus on our family dynamics instead. You couldn’t be more right on that IMO.
Hello Daniel,
I have watched most of your YouTube videos, and I believe that you have discovered something very big here! I applaud your courage for not diluting the message of your discovery!
As someone who very likely has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) due to childhood trauma, I am at a loss on how to proceed towards wellness. The usual approach is the therapeutic model, but as you know, finding a good therapist is very difficult. Do you have any advice for someone like me?
Hi Greg,
Hmm…perhaps some form of self-therapy would work? Journaling? Finding ways to get in touch with deeper feelings? I think most people have some form of Reactive Attachment Disorder (if you want to use that term), though some definitely more extreme than others… I think a lot of the tools I share about for self-therapy might be useful for this, it’s just a question of picking and choosing what works best for you. My self-therapy book might be useful too — perhaps? Or maybe you already have tried it?
Wishing you only the best!
Daniel
Hi David
I’m wondering what your thoughts are on ketamine assisted therapy. I used to see a therapist and she was big on talk therapy at first, then it was all about bioenergetics and now it’s this new ketamine assisted therapy. I don’t know anything about this type of treatment and would love to know your thoughts.. thanks!!
P.
Hi Polly,
I’ve never tried ketamine assisted therapy myself, but I would be quite skeptical. Ketamine is a very strong drug and I’ve known some people who have had pretty nasty reactions to it. I made a whole video about doing Ayahuasca for healing, and if you can find that, that pretty much sums up my point of view on using heavy drugs like ketamine and mushrooms and MDMA for therapeutic purposes. Perhaps they could help some people but I much prefer a natural healing path that uses no drugs at all. It’s less risky and also the person knows they’re doing the healing from within, versus needing to use some external drug to change their life. All the best to you, Daniel
Hi!
Thank you for your response. Honestly I was feeling pretty skeptical about it myself. I’m not in therapy and don’t feel a need to be. I was in therapy for almost six years with the same therapist. In the beginning we did a lot of psychodynamic talk therapy… it was a slow process but I felt the most comfortable going that route. About 6 months in she was strongly encouraging me to engage in bioenergetic therapy which I was super uncomfortable in… it was physically painful and made me feel uncomfortable emotionally as well. I have since stopped therapy as I felt secure and at peace with myself . So fast foreword a few years later to now and on her Instagram and FB she is big time advocating for Ketamine assisted therapy. I was given Ketamine after major surgery to help with pain while in the recovery room… it helped me with pain but I can not imagine using a psychedelic drug in therapy! I find it concerning how in 2013 my therapist really believed in psychodynamic therapy… then she leans towards bioenergetic therapy.. and now all she talks about is Ketamine assisted therapy. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Thanks again!!
Polly
Hey Daniel,
I have been watching your videos lately and they have helped me a lot. I have never seen someone else bring up the problems in psychiatry so well, so it feels good being able to relate to it all.
Recently i just left a clinic where i was treated horribly, and i was misdiagnosed as possibly psychotic, depressed and anxious, and with a body dysmorphic disorder. All my attempts to bring up developmental trauma were ignored or shut down. One doctor downright said that apparently years of being bullied and isolated by all my peers cannot traumatize a person.
I am now in the process and trying to get them to be responsible for what they did, and having my distorted diagnoses removed from my record. Confronting the people that i saw there is scary for me, and i am afraid that the shame and freeze response will kick in when i talk to them again like it always does. Do you have any advice for me on how to move on with this? I wish i never went to that place because they made my symptoms worse, and no one obviously believes me over any authority figure.
Hi Pineapple,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through. I’m also sorry to share that unfortunately it is very common. In terms of what you shared, about “having my distorted diagnoses removed from my record,” basically, from all that I’ve seen over the last 20 years, it unfortunately is just about impossible to get anyone to change your medical record. I have seen people try and try and try many many times and basically no one gets anywhere. They will almost never admit wrongdoing and the people who try to get them to change end up wasting a lot of energy and bringing themselves more pain. I know this news is not good, but this is what I have observed. Back when I was a therapist I also tried to help people get their records changed and even then I got nowhere. I talked about this in one or two videos but I can’t remember which ones. Maybe I should make a video specifically on this topic, because it’s a good topic. Wishing you only the best on your journey forward. Daniel
” One doctor downright said that apparently years of being bullied and isolated by all my peers cannot traumatize a person.”
Wow, as someone who’s no stranger to being bullied in K-12 as well as by family members, I know that couldn’t be further from the truth. Anyone who says something like that is in denial, hasn’t been bullied but has little empathy for those who experienced it, or is likely a bully themselves.
Sounds like so many clueless “doctors”
That doctor did show some other bad signs too. I sensed no empathy, and sometimes when i made a logical argument against her empty claims, she just remained silent for 2-3 seconds and then continued like i never said anything. She also had this weird subtle smirk/smile on her face often. I never figured out what that meant, but i have read that some narcissists do that.
I really understand what you are going through. I wanted to complain about my therapist who was an expert at retraumatising me, and did not really believe in childhood trauma. I found a lovely therapist who had wanted me to put in a complaint, but she warned me that I would meet a very defensive institution and that in itself would be re-traumatising. I decided to leave it, and focus on my own battle for self-acceptance. I did not have a registered diagnosis to fight, so I really feel angry on your behalf. I agree with Daniel (who is enlightening and such a gift to us) that you are probably best continuing your own healing journey, but make note of what has been said by people in support of you. That might be useful in the future.
Thanks, can we talk more about this on maybe facebook?
Jesus said forgive them for they know not what they are doing. when I started attributing god to my life I found grace and healing. without god you can do nothing. when there where one set of footprints in the sand that was god carrying me through the tough times in life.miracles happen all the time but if you don’t recognize the power of god in your life, and being thankful like the Bible describes there will BE GNASHING OF TEETH and suffering. I recommend the course in miracles and anything from Jidda Krishnamurti. these are not religious books or christian ideology. The only thing that can heal is the spirit. not therapy not people not yourself. GoD alone. good luck wish you all the best Daniel.
I really love your perspective. However, when you say that God alone heals, what does that mean? Are we not all potential instuments of healing in God’s great symphony. Will he not use any of His creation to promote healing? Does God bring into existence all kinds of herbs and plants (and human beings) for our healing? Surely, God alone is the Healer, and then how does that manifest in the realm of creation?
You say “Without God you can do nothing.” I would revise that as “Without God I can do nothing. Without God, Scott Sombers can do nothing.” If God has helped you, then that’s great. But you shouldn’t speak on behalf of other people – we are not all the same person. If God was so helpful, then why do we need to shove it down peoples’ throats?
Religion and spirituality are often used by abusers to let themselves off the hook for their actions. A kind person does not demand forgiveness, he takes responsibility for his actions. I recommend the youtube video “Narcissistic Pseudospirituality” by Dr. Ramani. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzD-GZBTQVI
Apologies—the “universal you” was intended. However, I agree that it is more succinct to think in terms of “I” or “one.” Thank you for your response.
Hi Pat. I do know that narcissists and abusers love the idea of being g forgiven but that’s ok. Im not saying to continue to allow people to abuse. However if we continue our lives in the past and identify as a victim of something. Then that is our destiny. To never move on. Once u can forgive and not the narcissist but the one before the narcissist became. If u know what I mean. Then u can be forgiven and live in the now and forget the past and future. Narcissus are extremely weak hurt and desperate individuals that are pitiful sad. Why fight with them. It’s a waiste of energy. Everyone is the same before they become conditioned therefore we r all one therefore if I cannot do anything without god then either can anyone. Because we r the same.
Hey, is there information somewhere about the damage that SSRIs or other psychiatric drugs can do? I have eaten some of them when i was still a teenager for a few months at a time at most, and i have been thinking if they somehow affected my physical development. I haven’t found much information on this anywhere. I don’t mean the temporary side effects, but the possible long term effects like hormonal problems etc.
Hi Curious! Hmm, maybe rxisk.org or madinamerica.com
I’m not sure about hormonal problems as a result of psychiatric drugs, but I definitely would not be surprised if it’s possible. Then again, I have known a lot of people who have had problems with their thyroids after lithium.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Thanks!
Hi Daniel,
Just want to thank you for your work. It’s helped me a lot. I broke with my parents about 2 years ago. I’ve struggled to find good resources that support me through the healing. I’ve got your book on the subject and I’ve found all your YouTube videos very helpful as well.
I think it’s brave of you to speak out so boldly about a topic many struggle or refuse to understand. Breaking with my parents has cost me other relationships. I’ve got a new perspective on my present life and my past. Some days I struggle with doubt and guilt about this new path, but your content has helped me stay focused on my truth.
I’ve got a long journey ahead, but it’s comforting and inspiring to know that someone else found a way and made it through.
Thank you for what you do.
Thanks for sharing this, Leslie. Wishing you all the best.
Daniel
Any comment on the notion that psychology/psychiatry were hijacked by a UK/U.S. project around the 1940s and 1950s?
Videos if you want to watch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHXGSMpgX5U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-HPZhGYQAE
There is quite a bit of evidence that the public information about MKUltra was meant to distract from its real purpose, hence the reason Richard Helms destroyed one group of documents but not another.
Weltanschauungskrieg is a German word for ‘world view war’, and this project was meant to globalize a psychiatry paradigm which would benefit Western Europe, or more specifically the UK worldview.
If you have not read, already, I highly recommend “Anatomy Of An Epidemic”
Walter,
Daniel has a video about conspiracy theories (I’m not saying that MKUltra is a conspiracy theory – merely that he has a video with his thoughts on conspiracy theories.) He doesn’t talk about MKUltra in that video, but I left a comment mentioning MKUltra, and Daniel replied saying he agrees that MKUltra is an example of a conspiracy theory that turned out to be true. Besides that, I don’t think he has a video where he talks about MKUltra specifically.
That being said, many of Daniel’s videos criticize psychiatry and psychiatric medications, as you’re probably already aware of.
(To be honest, I haven’t really done any proper research on MKUltra myself. It’s a topic that interests me, but I don’t know how to begin doing proper research and verifying the evidence. All I’ve done is watch a couple documentaries on it, which is of course not research.)
*Also, what you said about the official, public version of MKUltra being a cover for its real intention (to hijack the field of psychology/psychiatry) makes sense. If the official version was the true one, then we’d never have heard about it.
But if the goal was to hijack psychology/psychiatry, then my question is, what did the field of psychology/psychiatry look like before it was hijacked? Was it better than it is today, or was the field always one that was severely lacking in truthful insights into trauma and the human mind?
And also, how exactly would these secretive projects have gone about hijacking the field? Officially, we’re told that people were confined and experimented on with various drugs including LSD. Do you think there’s more to it than that to facilitate the hijacking of the field?
And it really is awful that a certain nation or empire would try to forcefully and cruelly shift a world view in their own favor – in favor of their own profits. It’s awful that they would try to change human psychology just for their own benefit. Daniel’s channel happens to be one that focuses on family dynamics, rather than exploring what’s going on in society at large that would lead to such abusive dynamics. The macroscopic view is something that Daniel’s channel doesn’t really address (and I’m not criticizing him for that, I’m just stating it how it is.)
And because of this, I think Daniel has a tendency to put 100% of the blame on the family system. But to be fair, it’s very hard to have an understanding of these corrupt social dynamics. These aren’t exactly mainstream topics, and you have to look in some unusual places to find this sort of information – things which might easily cross into the conspiracy theory threshold if you’re not extremely open minded.
Guys, I’ve had a few things happen today that released a lot of emotions. I feel amazing about myself for like the first time in my life. It made me realize how rarely I feel like this. DANIEL WAS RIGHT. I am a beautiful soul, and I want to connect other beautiful, intelligent, empathic, radiant souls.
It made me realize that I live with a monster of a father who will do anything to crush that beauty in me – physically and verbally. I lived for so long thinking I didn’t have any positive traits. But I am bursting with positive traits. They had just been suppressed for so long.
And like I said, this positive feeling is incredibly rare. First time in my life. Most of the time, I live with a lot of self-hatred.
Good on you Pat B
Daniel is a visionary, maybe in 50 or 100 hears he will get the recognition he deserves. His work informs my work.
As for fathers, mine is a covert narcissist so his abuse is far more subtle, he doesn’t mean to, but cant help himself and wont do any deeper work himself, as a holocaust survivor, hes just to damaged.
The children of holcaust survivors seem to be stuck with a lot of passed down unresolved trauma.
Yes for sure, my 3 sisters and I all struggle.
In my research, It is apparent, to me at least, that it is the grandchildren of the holocaust survivors that get hit the hardest. Any thoughts?
Thats an interesting theory, for sure my nieces and nephews are struggling. I have tried to stop the transmission by being in psychotherapy for years, then trained as one and also done loads of other self development work. Time will tell.
Christine, your theory is interesting because it takes into account our ancestry and history when factoring in trauma. However, as someone whose traumas have gone unheard and unnoticed my whole life, it does bother me when people try to claim there is a certain group that has “endured more” than another.
But again, what you propose is very interesting, because there could be all sorts of things that happened in history that could affect present day family dynamics and abuses. For instance, what if someone in the family committed murder, or was the victim of murder? Or what if they had committed a cruel act during a war, or were the victim of a cruel act in war? I have no doubt these things would have a huge impact – it’s just not a connection our society ever addresses.
Daniel,
I’ve been really enjoying your content on Youtube. You have a fascinating mind. I don’t mean to label you, but I’d be shocked if you weren’t an INFJ. Regardless,I sincerely thank you for your willingness to share your ideas.
I was hoping you’d be generous enough to impart wisdom on me regarding psychotherapy. I’m a new therapist who is struggling to find much value in the commonly taught modalities. I’m an incredulous person by nature, and I can’t bring myself to practice method on clients that I wouldn’t practice on myself. It all seems inauthentic and shallow at this point, but I do truly want to help people.
I gather you practiced eclectically, but would you be willing to share book recommendations, approaches, or other sources that you actually found credible? What positively impacted your practice? What informed you?
Many thanks,
– JW
Hi JW,
Greetings and thank you! I can’t reply much at the moment because I’m away from my computer and have almost no Internet. But I will reply in a few weeks! Warm hello,
Daniel
I pegged Daniel as an INFJ as well because INFJs tend to be people who possess introverted natures but are visionaries others can come to for counseling. I also happen to be a fan of Myers-Briggs and other personality typing systems.
Hi Daniel,
There’s something that I’m curious about and after watching your video about quitting therapy on YouTube, I thought that you would be the perfect person to ask.
Did you in your practice ever deal with people who had issues with a normal (i.e. non-extreme) religious upbringing? My feeling is that there is a ton of overlap between the aims and categories of spirituality and those of psychotherapy. My sense is that therapy is taking the place of religion and spirituality in the secular epoch, almost becoming a secular religion (people go to therapists seeking the same help that they would have sought in a priest/pastor/rabbi earlier). Perhaps this is fine for those who need such spiritual transformation, but it would also seem to imply the same problems of subjectivity and authority, and the potential for psycho-spiritual damage, inherent to religion.
I notice how it is always the same spiritual people who gradually replace (or integrate) their religious terminology with therapy terminology. Once religion comes to seem too authoritarian it is replaced with spirituality and once spirituality is discovered to contain an element of the arbitrary it is replaced by therapy. But the same operations, and the same arbitrary authority, remain present.
One might object that either way it is a personal choice, except that as psychotherapeutic language and categories become more popular, it becomes increasingly difficult to avoid those who would irresponsibly insist on having an influence on one’s mind.
How can one trust in the conceptual vocabulary of psychotherapy as it gains so much popular authority (thereby evading, say, social issues and recasting every issue as a personal one)? How can one be of a skeptical-critical mind without going crazy by the gaslighting normalized by those wishing to define what is and is not normal?
Regards,
Ronald
P. S. What is your favourite novel and why?
Hi Ronald,
Sorry for my short reply but I am presently in a place that has almost no Internet and I am without my computer. I will reply in a few weeks. Sending you a hello.
Daniel
Daniel,
I feel so overwhelmed when I imagine finally connecting with likeminded souls, overwhelmed at the idea of living in a world where our creativity is nurtured. I don’t know why it terrifies me, despite being something I’ve always longed for. I too wish the world would just hurry up and resolve its traumas already. But the idea of feeling all these feelings, of getting to express my inner beauty without having to hide it.. It gives me a knot in my stomach, as if I just ate something rotten. It is terrifying. I’d much rather just hide in my room all day.
Is this simply a defense mechanism where I’m afraid to be myself, because so many people crush us and hurt us for being ourselves? Or is there more to it?
Hi Daniel,
I’m glad of having discovered your YT channel. On a video where you’ve done 20 predictions for the next 20 years, you’ve said people who break from their parents will exit the parent cult and want to meet other folks. You know how society is, still the majority will treat you bad if you don’t agree to the family value system and it’s hard to find suitable peers without expressing publicly your views.
Do you have any channel like a Facebook page or a forum or some other way where your followers can gather and search for other peers, maybe more suited to their geographic area?
I’ve lived for 20 years(I’m 33) in chronic loneliness and it was coupled with many years of major depression and self doubt,thinking there was something wrong with me. In the last couple years I’ve come to the realization I was sane and intelligent but I was not lucky of having met the right people.
Thanks!
Hi Ned,
Alas, I don’t have any kind of forum like that. It’s a good idea, and it would be great if someone created it, but I don’t have the energy to do it myself.
I am wishing you the best!
Daniel
There is a website and forum called out of the fog for people that have personality disordered parents, siblings or partners. I found this to be quite supportive in my own journey of separating from my dysfunctional family of origin
The thought of meeting face-to-face with likeminded souls is a dream.. But also quite overwhelming. It’s so much easier to just sit in my room all day and avoid meeting anyone, even if they feel the same way I do.
@Pat B I’ve lived in loneliness for 20 years, but I can say I have the luck of having one very good friend that has been super good to me but also a lot older than me. She’s been more of a mother but very friendly and jokes a lot, in complete contrast with my biological mother who is very strict and suffering from (undiagnosed) schizoaffective disorder.
But contact with peers and society is very much needed and healthy, even for me that I enjoy my solitude I feel like I’m slowly dying by not having a richer connection with society. I don’t want to necessarily meet people with my same mindset, it’s more interesting to meet people with complementary traits than ourselves, but I need a common ground based on respect and to not be judged as insane given my perception of the world.
I think that’s the main issue with modern society, there is a lack of letting “weird” people express themselves.Ancient cultures had the figure of a shaman who was one of the most respected figures in society, he lived at the edge of the tribe/town. He wasn’t engaging much socially(apart from cerimonies) but people back then knew that life is not only about the material and for existential or crisis in their lives they went to see a shaman so to have a different perspective of their problems. Now I’m not sayiing me or most weirdos have the capabalities and knowledge of a shaman, but the way society treated them was by first considering they were either in contact with spirits or gifted with unconcentional wisdom, before they would had been judged automatically as strictly mentally sick or unrecoverable.
Come join Reddit raised by narcissists;
Cptsd; and narcissistic parents forums. This sounds like what your looking for. And sounds exactly like myself/everyone else on the forums. Many of us are NC from our family of origins. Understanding what happened helps tremendously with the loneliness/healing. Turns out…my story is almost identical to people on those forums and Daniel from his videos. And I met one of us in person…who was already a friend of mine for a year. Not a coincidence. We are finding each other.
Sounds good! I just hope that a “cult” of sorts is not formed around breaking with parents.
Hi Daniel,
I’ve recently picked up a book at the library called, “A Way of Being,” written by Carl Rogers. It’s a collection of essays and reflections on his life and career. I’ve also read some of his ideas in miscellaneous quotes online, and I think I really like his ideas and worldview. Could you tell me what you think of Carl Rogers?
Thanks,
Chris
Hi Chris,
I’ve read a few Carl Rogers book (none in the last 15 years, though). I feel mixed about him. He was actually one of the first psychologists I read. I remember reading “Counseling and Psychotherapy” and feeling like I couldn’t make sense of it, especially all the direct transcripts he put in of his conversations with clients. I did get a feeling that he was a gentle and caring man (and I feel this still), and I got the feeling that these were important qualities in a therapist, but past that it didn’t help me at all — and maybe it even made me feel insecure because I couldn’t follow his line of thought. A few of his other books I found more understandable (and again I liked his gentleness), but then I read part of his book on encounter groups and I felt like he’d gone weird… I wasn’t into that at all… It felt culty to me, from what I remember…
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I just watched something that proves your point about “what lies beneath our leathery hides.” (I’m sorry if this is too graphic for your website) – but I watched a video of a teenager getting stabbed by a store owner 7 times for an attempted robbery. It was absolutely brutal to watch. I don’t think the store owner had to go that far – it’s as if he was itching to hurt someone his whole life, and he finally got the opportunity to let out all that rage. I think this was about more than just whatever product the kid tried to steal. I saw the video on Reddit, a popular social media site – and I checked the comments.. Many people were defending the store owner, and throwing jeering comments at the teenager. I feel that these people are just as emotionally detached as the store owner. I think this shows how our society empowers cruel behavior from emotionally detached people – how our laws protect people like the store owner, and how emotionally detached people cover each others’ backs. I used to fear that raggedy person on the street – the teenager or the homeless person – but now I know who the real danger is, who has the leatheriest of hides: it’s probably the normal, well-adjusted, wealthy person who owns a business, runs a shop.
I also look at sports as another example of something that brings out peoples’ hidden rage and cruelty. There are probably lots of examples of violent acts committed in sports, by fans and players – I’ve even seen a famous soccer manager poke another soccer manager’s eyes! There’s lots and lots of money that goes into sports, which is a huge red flag to me. You just know it’s gonna be full of sleazy, cruel behavior.
Ugh, maybe I shouldn’t have shared this here. I know there are some sensitive souls here, just like me. I apologize.
Hi Pat,
I saw that video too online — it was very disturbing. You may well be right…
Daniel
Hi daniel, nice to meet you. (Also sorry for my bad english).
I know you are a therapist no more. But as you were a therapist 10 years ago and had some knowledge and experience in the field of psychological therapy, I want you to tell me If my condition Is treatable.
So sir my question is will my this condition be treatable and curable? I don’t want to take any medication so are there any other forms of treatments available for my this condition?
My story is,
I had an accident some months ago and got injured, bleeded a lot, my bones fractured and dislocated and yeah… it was very painful. From that i start Fearing pain. I fear that something painful may happen to me.
After that incident, I also started developing some phobias including Algophobia(fear of pain).
When I remember my accident incident I suddenly shock and cry a lot and now slowly going into a state of depression too.
Not only that, Now i fear other things too like, electric shocks, acids, poison, Vomiting, death without getting air or oxygen, choking and many other things. I fear after Even if I see or hear about these things because all of these things leads to physical pain and other physical troubles.
Another thing is that, When I see any disturbing news like murders, other things like death of people by electric shocks, chocking etc, I start fearing, get sad and get depressed when thinking about the pain and other physical troubles those people had experienced at that time and then i cry a lot. when I see them screaming in pain it also makes me sad, Fear and depressed. It also triggers me a lot.
I don’t wanna live anymore in this painful world.
Sometimes I wish I would have never even existed.
All these things are affecting my psychological and mental health very negatively.
Hi Andrew,
I’m sorry for my delay! Well, it certainly sounds like you were quite traumatized from the accident you experienced, and I see no reason why what you’re experiencing now is a post-traumatic reaction.
So with that in mind, I see no reason why you can’t heal from it and move on with your life in a healthier way. The question is how to heal from the trauma. There are many possibilities, and I hope you find one that works for you. I write some about self-therapy on this website, and I have videos on it. That might help you. Perhaps a good therapist would also, though sometimes they can be hard to find. I don’t recommend psychiatric drugs, just so you know.
I am really wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Andrew, I’m so sorry for your experiences. It may be helpful if you can find a therapist who specializes in trauma or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They may be able to help you through various treatment modalities, like exposure therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectal behavioral therapy (DBT).
There are also self-workbooks on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Retrain-Your-Brain-Behavioral-Depression) that help you walk yourself through treatments, but given your strong reactions, I think you could benefit from working through these issues with guidance from a provider/therapist/social worker/etc.
Your reactions since your accident sound completely reasonable to me, however, if you don’t seek treatment (therapy not medication), you may struggle your entire life. The sooner you find help, the better. Yes, finding a therapist is so difficult, so I would ask friends and family and maybe educational institutions where you live for recommendations.
Also – you MUST stop triggering yourself by allowing yourself to be exposed to the trauma’s of others. Don’t read sad stories or watch sad/difficult things on the Internet/where ever.
I limit my exposure to media intensely, because I’m very empathic and the pain of others becomes mine. I was hit by a train as a child and struggle with similar issues to you and these are my recommendations. Take them or leave them, but please seek help from a professional. I’m so sorry for your struggles & wish you the best. 🙂 Kat
Hey Daniel! If you have the time, out of curiosity I’d like to ask: had you ever had clients with selective mutism during your time as a psychotherapist? I ask because I had it as a child and it made for some traumatising interactions with my parents. I’ve read it’s not a disorder that is caused by trauma but I’ve grown rather skeptical of that claim, especially seeing as a lot of child abuse/neglect in society never even registers as trauma to people in the field. It’s incredibly rare to see this disorder mentioned at all anywhere so I couldn’t help but wonder if you have any thoughts on what could make a young child suddenly develop this disorder out of blue.
Regardless, thanks for your videos, as they’ve been very helpful in untangling my trauma and making me aware of a lot of the corruption in the psychiatry field I didn’t know about!
Hi Alex,
Yes, I had clients with it, and once a friend who had it intensely as a child, and also I had it a few times in my life as well. I don’t know about what caused my friend to have it (though his father did abandon him and his mother), but I did see in the case of my clients and in my own case that it was definitely trauma-based. It wasn’t safe to talk — to speak my mind — to express my feelings, to be me. Being me was dangerous and going silent, beyond conscious control, was safer for me. When I felt safer (by getting away from the awful people and also by healing my traumas) I could talk again, without a problem. I saw the same with clients. There is also a person in my film Take These Broken Wings (on youtube) who was selectively mute for a while. It seemed pretty clear it was trauma-based in her case too….
Greetings,
Daniel
Whoa, that is actually fascinating, because from my personal experience escaping my parents ‘cured’ my selective mutism too – and I definitely recall instances where I’d receive angry and rejecting confrontations from a parent about the fact I refused to talk about ‘why I’m like this’ which needless to say made me freeze and go nonverbal even more out of fear, because I was afraid speaking would escalate the situation even more. Many thanks for your response – I’ve been meaning to check out your documentary too, and this is gonna be an additional reason to do so now as it’s so hard to find people with similar early experiences and it can feel isolating at times. Very surprised to hear you struggled with this too!!
Hi Alex,
I think I should make a video on selective mutism. It’s a good topic and I think it’s more common than people realize. Also, the woman in the film of mine that was selectively mute was in the middle of a deep psychotic break, and, come to think of it, I’m not sure if she was actually selectively mute, but maybe mute all the time — for a period of years. But I think the film also makes it clear that her issue was trauma related. Meanwhile, sending you good vibes! Daniel
If making a video on the subject truly interests you then I think it’d be a fantastic idea – there are such little resources and info on selective mutism as it is, and I feel like there’s got to be a lot of people affected by it who would really appreciate the visibility of a more (in my experience at least) stigmatised anxiety disorder like it. Especially considering current data seems to be reluctant to consider trauma to be the cause of the condition!
Appreciate the vibes, take care. 🙂
Sounds good—I couldn’t talk at one point or a couple points in my adult life
I would love this video!
Hello Daniel,
I was hospitalized twice with psychosis. I was diagnosed bipolar. I take olanzapine now. I like what you say about trauma being part of it because I totally see connections to trauma in my psychosis. I know you are against pills. If I go off the pills, what is the alternative? What do you think I should do for recovery? Thanks
Hi Kaeli,
I would recommend The Withdrawal Project — they might have some good ideas for you!
Daniel
http://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org
Have you heard anything about psychedelics triggering a dramatic increase of intelligence? Experienced it after taking ayahuasca to say a Genius level even it eventually went away 3 months later but dont see much on it out there. Some say its kundalini but idk much about it.
I have never heard of that, Andrew. I’ve heard of people have very altered perceptions of themselves, though, after ayahuasca (and have experienced that myself). Meanwhile, what you’re describing sounds a bit like the book Flowers for Algernon — a classic book. In that case the main character was mentally retarded to begin with, though — different from your case. But still, it was a very interesting book — worth a read if you haven’t seen it.
Daniel
Hi Daniel, I always see things as simple and valueless. Like, if I eat my favourite ice cream while enjoying it and after a while I get thoughts like ”uh! It’s just ice cream”. If I see a beautiful starry night I would be very amazed while seeing it. But later I get thoughts like ”uh! it’s just a starry night.. Nothing else”. These type of thoughts also make me very sad and depressed as I see everything as simple and valueless. I get thoughts like ”uh! it’s just a ‘physical thing’ it will die over time.I don’t need to show love/interest towards that. It is just temporary”. Also I get thoughts like ”uh! All things are temporary. no need to show interest/love towards them”. So how do I deal with these?
Hmm, Tim…good question…. Off the top of my head (I’m fried right now, too much work) I’m not sure what to say. Maybe others can contribute here. Also, I really welcome others who read these comments to feel free to jump in and answer as best they can. I know there’s a lot of wisdom here!
Daniel
Thanks, Daniel, for inviting responses from your “Wild Truth” community!
Hello Tim, I feel that what you are expressing is very valuable. Without context the beauty of the starry night is just what you said . The sadness may originate from a place that needs, indeed requires aforementioned context. Don’t try to push away your insights or even try to stop feeling sad. Kierkegaard, who followed every idea to its “illogical final point,” loved his melancholy as he felt it was a genuine consequence of his stellar insights.
Hi Daniel, when you were psychotherapist have you ever trained in doing forms of therapy like EMDR, psychodynamic therapy, cbt etc?. And have you ever perform any of these therapy to any of your client at that time?
Hi Guiso,
Psychodynamic therapy, yes, and some CBT — though I more just followed my own path and not any prescribed method. EMDR, no. I tried EMDR myself a couple of times and didn’t like it — didn’t do anything for me. I’ve talked to some people who have said it’s helped then and others who said it overwhelmed them and made them feel worse — even to the point of psych hospitalization. Daniel
Hi Daniel, thank you for your video on why you ended up leaving your job as a therapist. Have you seen/experienced severe burnout, and do you have any suggestions on what to consider before stepping away from the field? Appreciate your time.
Hi Marty– severe burnout, no. I was heading in that direction, though, before I stopped. Suggestions — well, maybe fewer clients, more breaks. Or a big break… More fun things. More focus on one’s own needs and not just the needs and feelings of others…
Daniel
Hello I’m currently working on a research paper for an English class about certain questions that we have about the profession we want to enter. I chose psychology because to be honest with you I have a fascination about this field of study and I enjoyed having my lecture in class. My question to you is (and I hope this isn’t a bother) If our mental health is as important as your physical health shouldn’t health insurance providers cover therapy sessions for us? Why is therapy labeled “so expensive”? Is the salary of a therapist excused? should they make more, or should they make less?
Hi Daniel,
Hmm…perhaps I’m not such a big fan of therapy anymore… I often think therapy is too expensive, though I think if a therapist is really great then maybe it’s worth a high cost. But I think, and this is based on my experience, that most therapists are not very good and really are just running a racket. They really don’t have much to offer people for their mental health struggles and sometimes are just downright bad and hurtful. And so much of the mental health system nowadays, especially when it comes to people with more serious problems, is about putting people on drugs. And the people who fund the system use that very argument– “our mental health is as important as your physical health”– to get more people put on the meds. I think it’s awful… And a lot of times the therapists themselves are the conduits to get people stuck on the drugs. It’s part of their training and very hurtful…
But a good therapist who really knows how to help a wide variety of people — very rare and very wonderful. And often, from what I’ve seen, these people charge LESS money. It’s because they have more of a heart.
Daniel
Wow. Found your site looking up projective identification on YouTube. It’s very helpful to hear you say this, having been a therapist.
After a truly hellish time working with too many trauma therapists, including a very famous and very expensive one who forgot her own protocol because she was looking through the eyes of my mother introject, I have concluded psychotherapy (and particularly trauma therapy) is inherently flawed. It depends on one party to be unerring and experience no cognitive distortions. The profession encourages the narcissistic viewpoint that in the case of any relationship difficulties, the client is automatically wrong and the therapist is almost never projecting on the client. I believe this idea is totally false. I think therapists develop countertransference, aren’t humble enough to work through it, and terminate their clients for their own convenience all the time. ALL THE TIME.
I believe the therapists doing the particular protocol that harmed me are empathetic and begin “receiving baby’s transmissions” of how my abusive mother felt and thought about me when commencing the protocol. The therapist is very prone to confuse this information with their own perceptions of the client — and then the therapy is doomed. Worse yet, the therapy is harmful when performed in this state, so the clients are left destabilized and never knowing what hit them. Many times the therapist walks away feeling like they did something good for the client (must be something wrong with THEM that the therapy didn’t work!)
I’m doing my own art, music and dance therapy at home from now on. I will never trust a therapist again. I’ve been harmed so much more than helped. Most of the growth I’ve experienced has come from figuring out what the therapist should have on my own.
100%
Dear Daniel,
Thank you for your thoughtful work.
I am an ACSW who will have acquired the requisite 3,000 hours for licensure in a few months.
I wonder, when you were working as a psychotherapist, if you ever had days, one of which I had today, when you felt like an inept therapist?
Although you did list the (perhaps adjacent) enormous responsibility as a reason, you did not list occasions of feeling inept as being one of the 6 reasons you stopped being a psychotherapist; but it is certainly a reason that – when it happens – leads me to want to exit the profession. Mostly I feel as if I’m helpful – which is the whole point of the job – but when I feel the opposite of helpful, it feels horrible and discouraging.
Sincerely,
SSB
Hi Sara,
Yes, sometimes I surely felt inept — but that was more early on in my work. I think I shared about this in a few videos, but I can’t exactly remember where. Later in my work I did sometimes, perhaps even often, feel that I wasn’t necessarily helping people in a way I could clearly see, but that didn’t necessarily then translate in my mind to my being inept. Sometimes I felt instead that they were just very stuck — or perhaps that I just wasn’t a match for them. Or perhaps I felt that they just needed more time — or I needed more time to think out creative solutions. But early on I did often feel tormented at feeling inept — especially when I read books by grandiose therapist-healers of their “wow” successes, and also had supervisors who admitted no flaws or weaknesses…tiresome and sad… Anyway, wishing you the best! Daniel
Hey Daniel, have you heard of the work of Lloyd deMause?
https://psychohistory.com/articles/the-history-of-child-abuse/ is a speech from him, it seems he convincingly concluded that sadistic cruelty towards children has been the rule throughout history.
In particular, one idea of his is that children are used and abused as “poison containers” that parents can dump all their toxic waste into.
His observations perfectly match with what you talk about. It really is a pity that the entire topic is not discussed much, and parents are somehow thought to be naturally benevolent, which is not supported by history at all.
Thanks again for all that you do!!!
Hi Charles,
Yes, I do know his work and I read a couple of his books. I found them mostly excellent. I also exchanged some emails with him about fifteen years ago, before he died. But unfortunately I never met him, even though we both lived on the same island — Manhattan.
And thank you for your kind words–
Daniel
Hi Daniel, what type of therapist you were? Clinical psychologist? Childhood trauma therapist or just truama specialist? Also when you were therapist you also had clients who had problems like anxiety, depression, ocd, phobias, ptsd etc Instead of childhood trauma?
Hi Shriya,
My license was as an LCSW — a licensed clinical social worker. But that really told nothing about what type of therapist I was, as it was only a license. I worked differently with each client I had. I always thought about trauma with my clients, but some people didn’t want to talk about their traumas (or didn’t realize they had any) and I didn’t push the subject. I also worked with clients of all sorts of problems — pretty much everything imaginable. I also focused on working with adults.
Daniel
Hi Danial, I have been following your channel in YouTube for the past few days, it is quite interesting!
I actually knew your channel from a search on YouTube, about studying psychology, and I found out that you have the same background as me, I am a biologist also, but I have a huge interest in psychology. But my problem is that I cannot differentiate weather my interest is result of an actual interest or unresolved trauma, I am now deciding between a very good Phd position in my field, or studying psychology on my own, if you have an interest and time to advice me I really appreciate it.
Hi Salwa — Hmm, I’m really not sure what to say! Perhaps journal about it more to figure out what your motives are?
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
First of all’ i’m kinda surprised that you consistently reply to most people here which i guess it’s not always easy
Secondly, i have a few unrelated topics that i’d love to hear your response:
1. i’ve noticed that throughout a a few of your videos you mention that it is really stressful for you to sit and film your opinion and truth publicly for people to see. While i intuitively get that, as personally beginning my own healing journey just 2 years ago, there is a part i’m almost not ready to except. How are you, such a profound and strong person that talks so much about healing trauma and went through so many internal and external challenges, is still very stressful about talking his own truth?
2. you were born in 1972 and you’ve mentioned that you used to go a lot to nature around you. We’re you also “raised by TV” for a period in your childhood? or watched a lot of it at least? i’m mainly asking since i was born a lot later than you (1995) and for me TV and cartoons were a big chunk of my childhood, which mainly were like a continuation of the pacifier and a great distraction from the pains of trauma and neglect. Later also i slowly transitioned to the computer and internet as a main distraction which still lingers to this day. This force of convenient distraction is a one a still struggle with, but on the other hand i find that by remembering or stumbling across old shows and cartoons recently helps me a bit digging up the past. Did you ever experience anything similar?
3. Generally i’m noticing more and more that it is very hard to live in our modern world and society when trying to stop dissociating. Not just on the interpersonal level of interactions and honesty with other people around you, but also almost everything else. For example, i’ve watched a short video about the conditions of chickens in farms that produce (chicken) meat and farms for eggs. i’m already trying to be maximally vegan but just watching that was soul crushing, and the only way yo actually keep consuming these stuff is to completely dissociate. Together with the state of the world of collapsing climate and ecosystems, pointless wars, silly corruption and neglect of even basic infrastructure (in many countries) and so many other problems – is both depressing and anxious. i guess i mainly vented here but if you have any suggestions on how to deal with trying to learn and live your truth in such a background it would be helpful.
So thank you Daniel for being who you are,
with warm regards,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Sorry, I’ve hit that point where at the moment I don’t have the energy to reply… I did my best to reply to your other comments, though!
Thank you for your kind words, also!
Daniel
Daniel,
Hi there! I see how often and how quickly you reply to messages on your website, and I wanted to thank you for how much effort and energy you put into answering questions!
I just wanted to ask you what your opinion is on the phrase “it’s better to be alone than in bad company” in the context of having healthy friends? I ask because I moved to a new city at the beginning of the pandemic, where I didn’t know anyone. It was also around this time that I started my healing work, and I haven’t been able to find any friends in my new city that I feel are really healthy and on board with being honest and true. Is it better to hold out for people that are honest and true or are possibly unhealthy friends better than no friends?
Thanks for all you do!
-Ricky
Hi Ricky,
greetings! Yes, sometimes I have some extra energy and time to respond (and sometimes to respond quickly). Sometimes not… Hmm, I think I actually addressed that topic in a video on friendships. I know for myself I do spend a lot of time alone if I don’t have good friends, but at other times (especially when I’m traveling in foreign lands) I make friends that I might not otherwise have. Also the same when I was younger — some friends were better than no friends!! But I have some pretty bad friends at certain points, and when it comes to that, nowadays, I’d definitely rather be alone!!
Warm greetings,
Daniel
Hi,
I want to know resources on how to deal with Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I’ve been taking meds since 2007 and can’t afford to get an alternative psychiatrist. Are there any books specifically to deal with the disease (Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type)?
Thanks.
Hi Rocky,
I don’t know any such books. I would recommend looking at http://www.madinamerica.com and also https://www.theinnercompass.org These sites might be of some help to you.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel Nice to meet you, I have a problem.(also sorry for my bad english)
When I was young I slipped and fell on the floor. It fractured a bone in my finger and was very painful. After a few days it was cured. But I am now experiencing the following:
1: I feel anxious that something painful like this Or something more painful than this will happen to me in future. And if anything like that happens then after that I become so much sad and will go into a state of extreme depression for sure. I also become again anxious too. I get a sudden shock feeling when i remember about that physical pain i experienced that time.
AND from there on, I start feeling anxious towards “physical pain” And get sad and depressed whenever I think about other people’s huge physical pain they’ve experienced.
2. I also feel depressed whenever I think about the Physical pain I have experienced at that time. Whenever i see any disturbing scene in news or at tv i gets triggered and then i goes into a state of sadness and depression. somedays ago i saw a documentary of hiroshima bomb exploding in japan.were 6000°c of heat hits people and whenever i think about those peoples physical pain they’ve experienced at that time, i becomes so much sad and depressed. Sometimes these things also pop up in my mind in the form of images were those small babies and peoples screaming and crying in that physical pain. some weeks ago i saw a video titled “ancient brutal torturing methods” it made me even more triggering and my condition became even worse. i also gets triggered and become depressed and sad when not only think about physical pain instead, when i hear or saw other physical problems too like Vomiting,dying without getting oxygen etc etc…! i gets triggered whenever i hear or saw some words like “unbearable pain” or “unimaginable pain”.I feel sad and depressed whenever I think about the person who has experienced the biggest amount of physical pain in this world. I also get scared when I think about these kinds of things
If there is anything in this universe worse than physical pain,I feel anxious and depressed when I think about it.
These kinds of thoughts are unacceptable and unbearable for me.
I want to get treatment but I don’t wanna take any kind of medication. I hate that and I will never take that. no matter what ! . Anyway now I start feeling ”HOPELESS”.
I feel like there would be no treatments that will work for me. there will be no solution for my problem. I feel like therapists are bad. Forms of therapy are useless. my mind started saying something like “There will be solutions to only some problems, not for all”. I am really losing hope now. Now what will I do? Will there be any solution?
I’m really not sure what to say, Winer — maybe self-therapy? That’s all that ever worked for me. I have a lot on this website about it and also on my youtube channel, including a playlist ( https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL ). I’m wishing you the best, Daniel
Hello, I need urgent help. I took invenga sustenna for 6 months and it has destroyed my life, it took away all my dopamine and now I can’t sleep. Without sleeping I might get a heart attack or a seizure soon. My psychiatrist says it can’t be invenga but prior to get the injections I was fine and sleeping well. They should have never given me those injections. Can you help me?
Nina — well, Invega is an antipsychotic and lots of people coming off antipsychotics experience insomnia. If you google “Invega withdrawal side effects” you’ll see insomnia there, so I don’t know what your psychiatrist is talking about. It’s also possible you came off too fast. I’d recommend checking out the Withdrawal Project: http://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org
They might be able to be useful to you. Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi daniel, I have 11 questions about psychotherapy and so on… Please answer in detail each question wise if possible.
1: I often heard that many people say that therapy and meds don’t work. So what shall those people do?
2: Is there any evidence that Therapy ever does much for anyone ?
3: I heard that Therapy and psychology just gives a “positive effect” for people and it doesn’t solve any problem. Is that true? 4: psychology/therapy isn’t focused on diagnosing mental problems so that they can be solved. just talking about one’s daily life and the problems they experience on a day to day basis endlessly…!
one guy commented that ”it just enables people to have emotional issues by putting them under a magnifying glass without fixing them”..like ”talk therapy” where someone talks about their problems and the therapist mainly listens without helping figure the person out from any problem. So is it all true?
5: Most therapists have no idea what it is like to go through hardcore problems and to live a life full of pain and suffering and thus they cannot possibly even begin to help people. Is this true?
6: Are the effects of medication or therapy permanent? and why?
7: One article said that for some people some therapy can make things even worse. So what do they do?
8: If therapy is very effective then when is medication prescribed?
9: Do therapists ever felt like they don’t have a solution for someone’s problem? If yes, what to do in this case?
10: I watched your video ”why i quit being a therapist”. so as our mental health industry is so broken, it means therapists and forms of therapy are bad and useless?
11: Finally, how can we find a good therapist?
Hi AV,
I’ll answer your questions as best I can (briefly), but I also want you to know that I’ve answered a lot of these questions in my videos.
Here are two playlists of my videos that should be very helpful to you, or at least some of the videos on the list should be helpful:
a playlist about psychotherapy — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0Fi32LbXHA&list=PLRHLaIzKomTiyUtDGwvzc9YjcM3K9sdMG The first video in the playlist is the one you mentioned, so you can skip that one.
A playlist about doing self-therapy — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c95sfyv-M8M&list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL
And also a video of mine that goes into detail critiquing psychotherapy: https://youtu.be/G2-p4A7Bl6s
So now I’ll answer your specific questions briefly.
1: I often heard that many people say that therapy and meds don’t work. So what shall those people do?
My answer: Well, I think in terms of effecting permanent change in people, and in their outlook to life, and their personalities, medications never work. They sometimes help people cope a little better for a while, and sometimes a long while, but often have terrible side effects even in the people they “help.” Good therapy, on the other hand, can work to effect permanent change, but it’s just very hard to find a good therapy. What worked for me is self therapy, and I provided my playlist on that above. I also have a self-therapy book for sale on this website under the book tab.
2: Is there any evidence that Therapy ever does much for anyone ?
My answer: Yes, there are quite a few studies showing how it helps people, even people with really serious problems including psychosis. I made films about the people in psychosis helped by therapy: http://wildtruth.net/films-recovery-schizophrenia/
3: I heard that Therapy and psychology just gives a “positive effect” for people and it doesn’t solve any problem. Is that true?
My answer: This can definitely be true of bad therapy. And bad therapy, unfortunately, is very common.
4: psychology/therapy isn’t focused on diagnosing mental problems so that they can be solved. just talking about one’s daily life and the problems they experience on a day to day basis endlessly…!
one guy commented that ”it just enables people to have emotional issues by putting them under a magnifying glass without fixing them”..like ”talk therapy” where someone talks about their problems and the therapist mainly listens without helping figure the person out from any problem. So is it all true?
My answer: again, this can DEFINITELY be true of bad therapy, which is very common.
5: Most therapists have no idea what it is like to go through hardcore problems and to live a life full of pain and suffering and thus they cannot possibly even begin to help people. Is this true?
My answer: This is true of many therapists who have very little real life experience of their own. There are many of these therapists out there. There are also therapists who have suffered terribly in their life and are miserable people but have NOT learned to solve any of their own problems. These are therapists who are to be avoided. They have the experience of misery but not the experience of the solution. And there are many different varieties of solution, not just one.
6: Are the effects of medication or therapy permanent? and why?
My answer: I think this is just a rephrasing of questions 1, 2, and 3. But yes, the whole point of good therapy is that its effect is permanent — the person grows and changes and learns how to better deal with life’s problems. But also medications effects can sometimes, very depressingly, be VERY permanent— sometimes the NEGATIVE SIDE EFFECTS of medication are permanent. This is called neurological damage.
7: One article said that for some people some therapy can make things even worse. So what do they do?
My answer: Yes, sometimes therapy can makes things worse for people. I recommend self-therapy, or maybe trying to find a better therapist.
8: If therapy is very effective then when is medication prescribed?
My answer: Therapists and psychiatrists recommend medication when they have no other idea how to help people grow and change. When I was a therapist I myself never recommended medication. The dangers are too great and the act of recommending is a sign of failure of the mental health professional.
9: Do therapists ever felt like they don’t have a solution for someone’s problem? If yes, what to do in this case?
My answer: Yes, for sure this happens all the time, even with good therapists. They then either can keep trying to help the person, or they can try to recommend another therapist — or perhaps some completely different thing. Also, sometimes people are very stuck and are unable to implement changes in their lives. This requires more creativity on the part of the therapist.
10: I watched your video ”why i quit being a therapist”. so as our mental health industry is so broken, it means therapists and forms of therapy are bad and useless?
My answer: I would say most therapists are bad and useless, yes. And the mental health system is terribly flawed.
11: Finally, how can we find a good therapist?
My answer: That can be a real challenge. I never found one for myself, and I think I’ve tried maybe four or five therapists myself. But ultimately I think the best therapist for each of us is OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL SELF. That’s why I like self-therapy. However, I did make a video on 12 ways to find out if our therapist is good or not: https://youtu.be/xz3rsX63epE
I hope this helps a bit!
Daniel
Daniel, Thank you so much for your detailed explanation. it helped me a lot. Also thank you very much for fast reply.
Hello daniel, i was having some questions. so how i write them to you? can you please provide your email id?
Hi AV,
Maybe you could share your questions here? Your name is anonymous so no one would know who you are, myself included. And then others might also benefit from seeing your questions and my answers.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel, thank you so much for putting yourself out there, creating your videos and sharing your personal stories. That is so courageous of you.
I am so so aligned with you at all levels. Thank God that I found your channel because talking about parental abuse has so much stigma, everyone makes me feel guilty, forces me to forgive even the therapist and I am not able to.
So I can totally relate with your experiences and your thoughts on breaking up with your parents.
I am very much interested in learning counselling skills. Do you have any online course or any videos where you teach it? Would love to learn from you. I just want to learn as a life skills not to start any professional practice or anything but just for myself and whoever shares their traumatic stories I should be atleast able to listen and create a safe space for their emotions. After spending almost a decade of my life in finding answers to my suffering through all forms of spirituality, religion, meditations etc; it’s only now I found my answer in Psychology.
Hence, I want to learn these skills, is their anyway that you teach it?
Thank you once again from the deepest part of my heart. You have given me so much direction towards rest of my life and can see that I have found a role model in you. I resonate with your thoughts on being childless, intentionally single and celibate. They were going on my mind since many years but couldn’t share with anybody. Also it is received with much ridicule. I am in my early thirties and its only now I think I am becoming the adult grown up women.
Take care, kind regards
Kimaya, Dublin, Ireland.
Hi Kimaya,
Thank you! Alas, I don’t have any online counseling courses or anything like that. Just a lot of videos sharing my point of view… I’m also not sure how I would teach counseling, as mostly I learned how to do it through practice — and through listening to my clients and doing a lot of journaling and listening to my heart. I also did a lot of reading, though a lot of it was not very useful and just made me more insecure…
Well, I’m wishing you the best on your journey!!
Daniel
Hi Daniel, I have been watching your videos for years and i bought your book and i respect you a lot. I had to break away completely from my parents 10 yrs ago (both textbook narcissists) and this is the only way i feel mentally healthy but I have realised i am a bit of a loner – and i tend to attract low quality friends or none at all – i was looking for a therapist to help me change this but all i find are scammers or bad ones. I live in the UK – could you recommend me a good therapist? Can be located anywhere in the world – i am looking for online therapy. Many thanks, L
Hi L,
Hmm, unfortunately I don’t have any therapists to recommend! I used to years ago, but I no longer do.
I’m sorry about that, and I am wishing you only the best,
Daniel
Hi daniel, your videos are so great. i love your honesty. keep moving.!
Thank you!
Daniel
Hi! I’ m Sofia, I’ m 24 years old and I ‘ m from Italy. I suffer from extremely strong chronic anxiety (24h/7). 4 years ago, after a Trauma ( I lost control , I got in danger and I got super scared) I developed a very weird psychosomatic illness. I’ ve seen 30 doctors, neurologists , psychologists and psychiatrists. None helped me! I can’t “live” in this way anymore! I feel hopeless .. I can’t live anymore if there’s no cure for this!! I have also very strong anxious hunger.. I don’t sleep at night.. my psychosomatic issue affects mainly my brain.. and my head. It’ s a nightmare. What do you suggest me to do? Maybe Cognitive behavioural therapy?? Psychoanalysis was useless for me !! I don’t know what to do
Hi Sofia,
Hmm, I’m not sure what to suggest, but I can shared what worked and didn’t work for me. Therapy never worked in my case, though I have known quite a few others who were helped by therapists (and I was a therapist and did help some folks). The key is finding a therapist who is really good. Most are not. I think sometimes the school of therapy may be less important than the quality and personality of the therapist. What worked for me (as you may have gathered if you looked more at my website) is self-therapy — self-healing — studying my past, making sense of my history, and going LOTS of grieving (and taking distance from my traumatizes). It’s been a long process but has helped to liberate me significantly.
I am wishing you the best!
Daniel
Thank you very much for your reply Daniel!
I think I will meet a couple of people who treat their “patients” following the 5 biological laws of Dr. Hamer and following Quantic energy principles. The work on unsolved conflicts and traumas , in order to overcome psycho-physical issues. I think studying the past and our own history is very important. Thank you again!
Sofy
Hi again,
Many of your videos address the fact that we don’t live up to our full potential, that our potential is robbed from us by our parents and society at large. And I fully agree with you on that. Our world could be so much more interesting and colorful, so much more meaningful.
But I can’t help wonder: what would it actually LOOK like if someone lived up to their full potential? In a purely theoretical world where just one single child is allowed to fully blossom – intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually – how would that child spend its time? What would it do on a day to day basis? What would that child contribute to the world? Would it become an artist, a musician, a computer scientist?
And is there anyone who you look at and think, “this person is a lot more spontaneous and connected with their emotions, and just more real and honest than most of the population”? In other words, is there anyone alive today or in history who you believe is some kind of working template for how an authentic human being should be? Or do you believe we’re all way too imperfect? Of course, even such a model human being would be deeply flawed in reality.
My request, Daniel, is for you to start making videos addressing this hypothetical. And it really is a hypothetical – because I think there’s no way for us to really know. As you’ve talked about, we’re stuck in a world where children aren’t allowed to fully express their emotions, to fully act on their spontaneity. We’re trapped in a world where we’re disconnected from each other and from nature. So the best we can do is imagine. And I’m very interested to know what kind of world you imagine, what kind of evolved human being you imagine. Perhaps in your future videos, you could incorporate some more artwork and photos to give us an idea of your vision.
I ask the same of myself, by the way: If I were living at my full potential, what would l be doing right at this very moment? Should I live like a hedonist, drifting through life seeking pleasurable experiences? Or should I live like a romantic, seeking out adventure and art and music? Or alternatively, should I seek stability and practice discipline, by doing things like weightlifting? Should I strive for a rich social life involving many different people, or should I settle for solitude? The answer would depend on who I ask. It’s very confusing to be one person and have so many different ways of being to choose from. There are different parts of me that are drawn to each of those ideas – the hedonist, the romantic, the self-disciplined, the social butterfly, the solitary.
BP—
A good topic, thank you! I think I addressed this in my book Toward Truth, though I can’t fully remember!! Also, I sort of addressed it here as well in this video: https://studio.youtube.com/video/c2yUMkJKWWA/edit?o=U
But I will put this on my list for future videos! Thank you,
Daniel
Thanks for considering the idea for your future videos. Creating such videos would be akin to becoming a fantasy writer for a day – dreaming up a fantasy world. Anything goes, it’s totally up to the limits of your imagination, and I’m curious to see what you’d dream up, should you go down that route.
My criticism of the video you linked is that again, it has a heavy focus on the don’ts and wouldn’ts in our hypothetical enlightened world (drugs, alcohol, procreation), and while I do agree with many of those points, the video is a repetition of all the ideas already present on your channel. A bit of a change could be refreshing in my opinion.
Best wishes,
BP
Thanks!
Hi Daniel,
i really appreciate your work and piercing voice of truth, which since a friend sent me one of your videos a year and a half or so ago i truly feel different. i started piecing my troubled past and to grieve the pain and anguish, but there’s complication that i’d love you to give your advice or opinion:
Apparently, like some therapists you’ve mentioned in some of your videos, i went too hard and deep into my own traumas. it was and still is so exciting to actually see with my soul eye some authenticity, truth, creativity and so much growth potential. Alas, i haven’t done enough preparatory work of building self love, care and having a safe environment. i currently live in an almost perpetual anxiety and fight or flight and unfortunately a lot manifests for me physically in the body. mainly digestion problems and stomach poisoning like events.
i don’t regret anything but i am beginning to wonder if its okay to take an “emotional vacation” with prescription anxiety medication. my initial response to the idea was like yours that you mention a lot: psychiatric medication is just comfortable numbing dissociation. but lately it feels too much and it rips me apart. probably the “psychedelic self therapy” attempts a while ago were mostly disastrous in the short to mid term healing and lately i’ve hit a huge “trauma mine” that i know has to be dealt with, but again, i feel wholly unprepared. Also, i did think of taking a vacation abroad but currently it’s a bit hard given life circumstances and trying to save money so i’ll have some economic independence in a few months.
So what do you think? is it a decent temporary compromise? trading some inner progress to relax a bit and build some resiliency?
i hope you’ll respond and if you want to make a video about this topic \ question, i wouldn’t mind at all.
Thanks for being you,
with warm regards,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Thanks for your message. The problem with prescription anxiety medication, that is, benzodiazepines in the modern world, is that often they’re FAR from a “emotional vacation.” They have an extremely high risk for tolerance and dependency. So many people get hooked on them quickly, with devastating results. There are thousands of accounts of this on the internet, and even the drug labels themselves say they’re not to be taken for more than 2 weeks, and in many cases even that is FAR too long. So I wouldn’t risk it. From what I’ve seen in myself and others, much better to slow down the intensity of the healing process, exercise more, try meditation, mindfulness — anything before anti-anxiety meds!
Warm greetings,
Daniel
Thank you Daniel for the reply.
i had an intuition similar to yours but wasn’t aware of HOW bad the Benzo class drugs can be. i have 2 small follow-up questions if that’s okay:
1. after talking with a friend whose also going through a similar healing process (though with somewhat of a competent therapist) and she suggested maybe looking at SSRI or general anti-depressants. With those i’m even less comfortable, both by the aspect of calmness by dissociation, potentially terrible adjustment & withdrawls and potentially not applicable for my “vacation period”. i know it might sound a bit of a silly question but i’d prefer to be more thorough with my knowledge and concerns.
2. i think this is the more important one for me is should i continue journaling? i know this is highly personal and everyone is different, while for me it is almost integral to the healing journey itself. The “problem” with it is that often times i found myself writing stuff that not too slowly lead me, sometimes new places and other same ones, to the marshes surrounding the trauma’s and the dales of wounds. And like every journey in to those, there are a lot of uneasy thorns to say the least. On the other hand, journaling became slowly closer and closer to a habit for me and it kinda bums me to “let go” temporarily of this connection with my inner self.
So should i stop journaling in the meantime? reduce the frequency? or just try to veer less into the “deep waters”?
Thanks again,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
I personally would not want to take SSRIs– they’re associated with all sorts of nasty risks of their own…both for those on them and those trying to come off (and sometimes long after withdrawing). You can read about all that online… And journaling — only you can decide if it’s working for you. It certainly works and has worked for me. But not for everyone…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
It may seem like journaling is a pain and perhaps even a waste of time, but, I guarantee you that if you begin, you will feel the benefits over time.
Hallo Daniel,
Do you have any experiences with neurofeedback?
Maybe that would be something Roman could try?
I know, he has sent his question one year ago, but maybe he is still interested…
I am also interested in your answer, since I will try this anyway because of sleeping disorder.
But maybe there are some disadvantages with neurofeedback I didn’t hear about?
Thank you for your videos anyway and best wishes for your own journey!
Rosario
Hi Rosario,
I know very little about neurofeedback. But thanks for commenting!
Daniel
Hi Daniel and the wildtruth community,
Tonight I decided to do a little experiment: go on youtube and search “schizophrenia Nepal” (Nepal being my home country.) There are a handful of relevant videos that come up, and watching them is quite interesting. It shows these doctors/medical experts describing what to me sound like symptoms of a very frustrated, emotionally abused child.. The doctors will list symptoms of schizophrenia such as “loud verbal outbursts” and “child won’t listen to parents’ commands.” One video depicts a young man who hears voices of a fatherly figure, berating him in Nepalese that he’s too stupid, that his grades aren’t good enough.. I can relate to that very much, because IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!! Schizophrenia my ass!!!
What’s fascinating is how all of these videos are from the past 3 years – I can’t find a single “Nepal schizophrenia” or “Nepal mental health” video on youtube before 3 years ago. It seems like the great lie and scam that is conventional “mental health” and psychiatric medication has finally crept into my country of Nepal. I feel like I am the only one who can see this perspective, having watched Daniel’s videos first. Very very bizarre. It seems like some crazy luck that I discovered Daniel’s channel last year. This really puts into perspective how utterly fringe our ideas are here in this community.
Hi Daniel,
could you please make a video on that, in how many ways you felt abandoned from your parents?
I am experience these feelings in so many ways cause of their denial, not being available for any type of guidance, questions about a life, questions about their parenting, their emotional rigidness. They are so disconnected from reality, from introspection, from future. I just don’t know why is that.
Thanks
Hi,
Daniel, I used to watch this popular YouTuber named Vsauce, and he has a video on why human beings are morbidly curious – why we’re so drawn to things that are awful, grotesque, and terrifying. He basically thinks we’re “hardwired” to be drawn to the morbid. I don’t even want to watch the entire video, because I can already tell what his argument is: that humans are these innately screwed up, nasty creatures who have this horrible, violent side to us, for absolutely no reason that science can discern. That same old argument we get from mainstream psychology. Nowhere does he mention childhood trauma or the possibility that we might all be traumatized – those aren’t very flashy subjects that would get lots of views. His video has 7 million views and 178,000 likes. Most people in this world are in complete agreement with the idea that human beings are innately screwed up creatures.
Watching this made me quite appreciative of your videos and your taboo belief that we’re all traumatized in various ways that we don’t even know about, from a very early age. I’m inclined to agree with you that human beings are, innately, creatures who are incredibly empathic. I agree with you that our fascination with horror movies and crime dramas is likely a way for us to relive our traumas, a way for us to observe what happened to us in our histories. I think your view actually offers an explanation for our morbid curiosity, whereas Vsauce and mainstream psychology can only conclude that we’re all born to be monsters. This makes me realize how unique your view is, and how most of the world isn’t ready to take what you say seriously at all.
Here is Vsauce’s video in case you’re curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbdMMI6ty0o&ab_channel=Vsauce
The guy strikes me as one of those creepy, obsessive psychologist/researcher types who would go to any lengths to study people. And I spend a lot of time in various places on the internet – it’s like an echo chamber for views that are already mainstream. My advice is to not spend too much time on the internet – you’d probably lose hope in humanity’s future pretty quickly. Nobody seems quite ready for an era of mass grieving, except in your little niche community online.
Thanks BP!
Daniel
i like your thinking and concur with your conclusions. In my experience, we are all traumatised and yet few people want to hold their parents accountable and start addressing the core of the problem facing humanity.
Maybe its no bad think when we eventually wipe out the majority of the population to have a hard reset, a little like Daniel talks about in his license to procreate article. It does sadden me though my children’s children ( if they choose to have them, one has said she’s not interested) will be impacted.
I don’t think you are ostracized by your peers; I think you are peerless. I think you are a pariah: You are a pariah because you are a radical. Not only that, your ideas are extremist. You are radical in that your ideas strike the root: They cut deeply to the heart of the matter. Extremism would be the application of methods which will shock, awe, deviate, and demolish as a means to an end. To my view, radicalism and extremism are incomplete without each other. Extremism without radicalism is disruption for disruption’s sake; radicalism without extremism is impotent idealism.
I agree with you enthusiastically. In fact, I’ve thought some very similar things even well before I discovered your material.
Consider the logistic implications of a world wherein there is a mass movement of breaking away from the family system. It would not just help the world. It would fuck the world. It would rape the world right in its operationality.
The family system (very) effectively functions as a conditioning mechanism in service of what is broadly considered to be “the world,” but is in reality simply society. As such, the family system is a microcosm. A lot of talk about narcissism in your comment section. Traditional, conventional parenthood is the consummation of narcissism as it operates as a unilateral, self-perpetuating function of the ever-creeping, ever-escalating power dynamics of the ultimately only two separate classes of the socially integrated: the controllers and the acquiescent. The moneyed shot-callers inhabit a culture of determined psychopathology. The masses inhabit a culture of enabling. In social climbing, envy is embodied. Becoming a parent is the epitome of socially “making it,” because it is the ultimate “playing out” of entitlement (a hallmark of narcissism!) In wicked perversion, parents categorically eschew the reality of agency. They deny the reality of ownership. They own not any behavior, neither their own nor their children’s. Any and all efforts to condition their children’s minds and behaviors are excused without regard for harmfulness or severity. They are merely (pathetically, meagerly) doing what parents do in order to ensure that their children do what children do. Needs are not considered because needs are grossly mistaken. To parents, to controllers, needs are no more than obligations to acquiescence to ongoing operations.
Consider a group of radicals who has developed a literacy of needs. Consider the power of numbers. Consider the notions produced by radicals in concert: They are extremist.
What would they do? They would become satisfied with nothing less than the targeting of children. They would target children with a message of and an opportunity for agency. That’s what your idea of deep healing does, isn’t it? It restores agency via the restoration of True Selfhood. To recruit allies solely from the 18+ demographic could only ever be a Sisyphean labor. Once such a faction is healed and cohesive enough to be proactive, to preclude children from the recruiting pool would amount to a circle-jerk. Your own words attest to this: It is children who Love as True Selves. I won’t spell out those particular indications any further. I’ll just say that the dereliction of such a movement would amount to the same abandonment of real responsibility that so does parenthood.
You or anyone might disagree that a mass healing movement would necessarily have to enact a mission of extricating children from their family systems in order to actually live up to its responsibilities. That said, consider such a scenario:
As historical neglect and abuse trauma perpetually produce the psychopathological ills of society, which themselves produce the operational aspects of the global society, there is nothing else which could so disrupt society. Nothing. Not a collapse of the power grid, or a collapse of the food supply, or a collapse of governments, or a nuclear holocaust or any other genocide, not anything. In fact, such cataclysms could never produce an actual armageddion. All they could ever do is, in desperation, further entrench the pathological dynamics of leverage-based narcissistic entitlement, for violence and deprivation are the linchpins of our traditional, conventional, societal order.
What this says is that the masses would rather produce mass war than live up to the actual responsibilities they inherit as parents, as rightful stewards of new life. What that means is that any movement which aspires to heal the broken bonds of the family system would be met with a broad, vitriolic, violent hatred the likes of which recorded history has not seen. They would be targeted with violence from both independent actors and states.
Therefore, such a movement would need (need!) to be equipped with a capacity for every type of violence: physical, emotional, and psychic. You have said it yourself that your healing process has been profoundly painful. It has required your sacrifice and your distress. In your Work, you transform the world, you radical.
That’s what makes you a Hero! Please, please, PLEASE do not deny that fact, Daniel. I’m a connoisseur of radical ideas. I know what I’m talking about. You are like something out ov a Myth! You are an inspiration!
A personal note:
I get that I’m too intense; I really do. I embrace that. It’s how I’ve extricated myself from my family system in the face of severe, chronic illness and resulting disability, the kind which can result in dependence. I was deprived of each and every conventional opportunity. I’m not going to tell you my story. I’m saying that I did not just have my mind and heart stolen. I had my body ravaged. I know from experience how ugly it gets. And so do I impart ugliness. Sometimes I impose it. Sometimes I reveal it. Always I live in it. Always have.
You have hope for the world. I have hope for you.. I hope that you will dive deeply into the esoteric sciences. I hope that you will study astrology, tarot, and whatever else with scientific pursuit in the vein of hermetic asceticism. You’re already an ascetic, as am I. Don’t stop. You’ve already identified the follies of new age ideology. You’d have no problem sussing out the scientific from the fantastical.
Jah Bless!
Love,
Paracephorus
Thank you!
Daniel
Thank you, Daniel, always, you Light in the dark, you. May you be well and blessed all your days.
Your legacy is unlike any other that I have ever seen. As you say, it will live.
Thanks Ian!
Daniel
Hello,
If I may chip in here with my 2 cents, on the subject of removing children from their family systems: Ultimately yes, I do agree with you. Removing children from their family systems is, in the end, the logical consequence of our view that all family systems are screwed up, selfish microcosms that are designed to prepare children to fit into a screwed up, selfish society.
However, if one day people like us decide to remove children from their family systems, we have to really, really understand our earliest childhood traumas, and be absolutely certain we’ve healed from them. I’m talking traumas that go back all the way to babyhood. We have to figure out how to compensate for the fact that we didn’t have gentle, nurturing parents when we so desperately needed them as babies. How do we even go about doing that? We in our community would have to become better parents than the kids’ biological parents. Would we really be ready/willing to do that? What if people in our little community simply want to live and enjoy life, and don’t want to child rear? If we don’t take up this responsibility of A) healing our deepest, earliest traumas, and B) providing amazing parenting for these children, and we simply take the children away, then we are no better than the screwed up, selfish parents that we are removing the children from. We’d be traumatizing the children even more.
So in a nutshell, I agree with you, on a purely hypothetical level.
Daniel,
Ever notice how the most “progressive” people can be some of the most judgmental? And nobody gives a damn about men – everyone thinks we deserve to be in homeless shelters and work in sewers.
Hi, Daniel –
I’m hoping you might be able to guide me in the right direction on a topic. I’ve had really bad luck in psychotherapy, both CBT and psychoanalysis-based stuff. I recently figured out why: Alexythymia.
I have issues putting words to emotions, which makes it tough to talk about them, and oftentimes leads to therapists pathologizing me and projecting their own sh!t onto me. I literally could write a book (maybe more than one) about my off-the-wall experiences with ‘competent’ therapists.
I often get into weird situations where I become the therapist and my therapist becomes the client, sometimes willingly and sometimes not. With my last therapist, she wanted to use me as her therapist. As such, I received her vulnerable narcissitic transference when I was neither qualified nor prepared to receive it. Things got out of hand, and I had to escalate the matter to her therapist, who happens to be none other than Otto Kernberg! You can’t make this stuff up, even if you tried! 🙂
Anyway, I’m stuck and lost currently. There is minimal data out there on how to treat alexythymia. As I’m very sensitive to ‘overly emotional’ thinking, which seems to affect the vast majority of therapists, I think I may need a therapist who is ‘normal’ like me. Is this even possible? 🙂
To be clear, although I feel I am normal in the sense that I by and large lack pathological thinking because I am so logical, I’m also ‘not all there’ in the sense that I lack the basic drives, desires, and goals that most people have.
Any guidance on next steps would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Mike
Hi Michael,
Well, since I’m not a big fan of most therapists, by and large, as therapy never really helped me, I’m more a proponent of self-therapy. I have quite a few videos on the subject on my YouTube channel, and also a self-therapy book that I wrote with a friend. Not to self-promote, but maybe these could help you?
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hey I dealt with something similar after my drug induced symptoms, i felt like my emotions were very limited. I did however, feel a lot of somatic sensations (tightness in chest, numbness around me, tight shoulders, localized areas of somatic pain of an emotional nature, I just couldn’t easily name them. I did psychotherapy for a long time and had some successes, but still I dealt with that. I decided about 3 years ago to focus on trauma therapy modalities that focus on the body to release trauma, have you heard of somatic experiencing? I would highly suggest you look that up, it takes away the need of understanding your emotions and rather, creating a level of tolerance to what it is your feeling as a sensation or emotion so I can be released. Hope it helps. It’s a very powerful and even recognized therapy by modern psychology. Hope this helps.
Hello Daniel,
i have searched for an specific answer of my question. That quetion is: Are so called ,,pedophiles/hebephiles” made this way, rather than born this way, and i have never even found an interresed of other people in founding out, if so called ,,pedophiles/hebephiles” are made this way, all i found was ignorance, extreme hate and extreme anger against so called ,,pedophiles/hebephiles”. I wonder if so called ,,pedophiles/hebephiles” can heal. And yes, i watched your video on this subject, but you showed little to no interressed to go against the status quo, in finding out if so called ,,pedophiles/hebephiles are made this way, and if yes, how can they heal?
Hi Marquis,
Sorry for my delay in replying, as I’m presently traveling and mostly off the grid. My personal opinion is that pedophiles are not born that way, rather are shaped to become that way by their own childhood experiences. I think many if not all have had their own sexual boundaries violated as children, physically or emotionally or both, though from what I have gathered many are deeply dissociated from many or most of their own childhood experiences and emotions (and their feelings of powerlessness and betrayal from childhood) and part of their unhealthy sexual urges are an expression of unconsciously acting out their own childhood violations. I think I wrote about this some in my book “Toward truth.” I can’t remember if I’ve spoken about this in videos. As far as healing, yes, I do believe that people can heal from this, but it would require massive excavation of one’s childhood history and massive grieving. From what I have observed, most people, whether they’re pedophiles or not, are not very interested in doing this, as it is so protracted and difficult and painful, and in the case of pedophiles that’s probably why so few heal. But definitely I do believe that healing as possible. All the best, Daniel
Thank you for your replay Daniel,
My thoughts exatly Daniel, but given how biased sociaty is against pedohiles/hebephiles , it’s gonna be extra difficult for them to heal from their sexual deviation, because, pedophiles/hebephiles are more likely to sexually harm a child/teen, if sociaty drill this misinformation in them, that they are born this way. They give pseudoscientific ,,reasons” like: ,,uglyness”, ,,low IQ”, ,,shortness” and so on, basically saying they have an lowlife gene and therefore schould be looked with a scorn, but they never go against this status quo, because they are afraid of losing their hate object and are afraid of being proved wrong.
The video i was mentioning was: Intergenerational Sexual Abuse and Living with Perpetrators on your Youtube channel with the release date : 02.22.2019
Yesterday i couldn’t find my comment, therefore, i thought it was deleted, i then wrote another comment in wich i complain about the ,,deletion” of my comment, but the comment wasn’t deleted, so never mind the comment where i complain about the ,,deletion of my comment.
Best regard
Marquis
Hello Daniel,
I’ve been watching your videos for a while now and for the most part I largely agree with the things you have to say, specifically on the topic of family systems and parental abuse cycles. I realize you probably get so many people asking you to make a video about such and such or asking for your thoughts on such and such but I am particularly curious about your take on this subject – teen pregnancy and how this affects everyone involved, so I thought I would ask here.
As the child to a teen mom who did not plan for me but decided to keep me, I struggle with how much accountability to place on my mother. I know logically that she’s failed me in a lot of ways and I know logically that she needs to be held responsible, by me, for what happened to me as a child and what that shaped me into now. But it’s hard for me to look back at a 16 year old girl in a relationship with a 20 something year old man who got swept into the life that she did, and feel resentment towards that version of her. She was a child raising a child. How could that have ever ended in anything but failure? Not to say all teen moms are bad or incapable of being good mothers, but fundamentally, they are children. In so many ways they’re not ready to become responsible for raising a human being. They aren’t even finished growing themselves.
So in my mind there’s a disconnect between the version of her at 16 -25 and the version of her nearing her 40s. I wondered if you had any thoughts on the subject because to me it feels more complicated than a situation where 2 fully grown adults conceive a child. Thank you for reading if you do!
Hi Spencer,
I like the topic a lot! I’ll put it on my list and the next time I start recording a batch of videos I’ll see if I can come up with something that has some value!
Thank you for sharing the idea, and I send you warm greetings,
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I’ve been struggling my whole life with the impression of myself of being weak and weird. I never knew exactly why that was. So my narrative became: I’m a fraud, not good enough, useless. Well, having this ideas about myself I tried hard, really hard to generate some steadiness.
Okay, before I tell my whole life story, I’m gonna tell you where this is about to be going: Ultimately I want to comment about your book “breaking from your parents” and end with a small idea-apposition related to one of the last chapters, namely the chapter 20 and 21.
Alright, so I said already, how I felt experiencing my almost 29 year long life. I could go into more detail, but I guess I don’t need to, because to people it’s clear what that means. But it was hard and rough! There has not been any love I experienced and the romantic relationships I experienced in my youth and my marriage at the very beginning of my 20’s, which lasted 7 years, was more a sideshow of what happened at home, living with my single-parent mother, which was and is totally mad and sadistic (and I really do mean that just in an objective way).
After almost dying a few times per year from 15 y.o. to 26 y.o., cause of suicidal thoughts and actions and a hell of an alcohol use, besides cocaine later on in life, I somehow made it out. With 27 I moved to another city, I finally wanted to study – after working since I was 15 (besides school, then later full time in thousands jobs). I never understood how someone, who people described as smart, humorous, emphatic and open minded could not make any progress in life and struggle with drugs and alcohol, depression, anxiety and what not.
When everything fell apart two years ago and I realized, that something was not right with my wife and my whole family, I completely broke down. My wife, which also physically attacked me in our flat, she just left the key in the lock one evening I came back home after working. And she didn’t open anymore, besides that I found my clothes all over the hallway. So I collected it all and I had no other chance than going back to my mum, which lived back then about 30 miles away. I’ve had no friends anymore, because I believed my wife, that they were bad people and wanted just to use me. I was at a point, where really I could not tell anymore, if up was up and down was down. I had no sense of intuition anymore, I felt empty.
My mum led me in when I arrived there with garbage bags full of my clothes, but back then I already told my mum, that I believed, that something with her was wrong, because she acted sometimes – I can tell you – like a psychopath. But really. She mistrusted me and I did not talk to her just a few words.
The next 14 days was hell. I felt like I was falling apart. I felt like I was dying. I just lied there the whole days and nights at the couch at my mums flat and watched cartoons. When I felt, that I died inside, somewhat after 10 days of lying there, somehow I felt a force inside of me. Within 4 days I inscribed to a uni far off and talked with my mum about it, I knew how she was working to get her to pay me the flat. I had to make her the main hero in this act, so I did.
I moved, half a year later I filed for the divorce. Even though I had my own flat for the first time in my life, I was suffering extremely, because soon I started to try to change my mum and my sister. I tried to open their eyes, but they of course were in denial and blame-shifted me. I fought with them my e-mail-wars half a year. Then I decided to break from them, from everyone in my family, cause all of them are in this denial and in this almost psychotic condition of snow-white-queen-land.
Somehow my mum still pays for my rent and I’m happy for that. I figured out I’m an undiagnosed adult on the autism spectrum as well nowadays and got diagnosed. Well, nowadays my life is better.
But somehow I was never able to do something fun for me, to play a game, to read a good book, to paint or draw, but I was also unable to learn. It somehow didn’t work. Maybe for one day, then again it was impossible, I’ve had severe mood swings and emotional irritation. That was a mess, I felt still defective. So I started to work besides uni in a marketing company, with the money I bought myself food, but mainly I bought books. I’ve bought so many books, so many scientific and not scientific books about trauma, childhood trauma, narcissism, therapy models, addictions. Somehow I was not able to read a good novel like I used to read Victor Hugo, Fontane, Thomas Mann, Tolstoi and so on – but I was able to read books about trauma and psychological stuff. I spent a few salaries on books until now and my book-shelf looks like I’ve studied psychology. Recently I came across your book. I’ve been reading with time and at one point I made a two months break from it, because I felt I couldn’t handle it anymore.
Now im done with it and somehow this book really explained me the inner logic of this process very clear. I’ve read the same stuff in scientific books, with theories and what not, but I didn’t get the emotional response in myself. With your book I’ve got that.
It is a real treasure to have been reading it.
What I wanted to mention, just as a food for thought: In chapter 20 and 21 you deal with the possible change parents could go through and you discuss the question, if you’d go back to them, e.g. when they are dying. You concluded in, that you don’t know about that really, it felt like you were indecisive. After reading your book, I put it aside, and stared at my wall for a bit while I was processing it. And then I knew, that for me, I also had these thoughts, I asked myself the same question and I was not sure what to answer. So I went to my laptop and just started to answer this question by writing it down. I came to the conclusion, that I would not (of course you never know how stuff is going to be happening, but anyways you can have a rigid thinking about how you want to be) go back to them, well in my case it’s just one parent (and the rest of the family). When they die, then they die. They’ve had their chance to connect with me I guess 26 years, but because of my whole family I decided to believe what they’ve told me and that was, that I was useless, stupid and so forth. When I was 8 y.o. I wished in a period of time every morning on my way to school, that a car hopefully catches me when I cross the street, so I don’t have to come back home never again. Ther was violence and terror in my mum. I asked myself: What about the good things she did and does? She doesn’t do them for other people, she doesn’t pay me rent to support me, she is doing that, because she is in a quagmire. She has to do that, because otherwise she could not sustain her distorted view of herself and her world. She is not doing it for me, she is doing it, so she can continue living in snow white land. That means, that she doesn’t love me like the rest of my family. And the possibility that she wants to go out is zero. She doesn’t want to heal, she doesn’t want to live in reality (like all the rest of my family), because she lost it, she and everyone else in my family lost their identity and they don’t even know about it. I think there is no way at a point in life, that you can get it back, because in their eyes this is like walking into a sword, they just die then. They became what their parents forced them to be and created this fantasy world. There is no coming back.
I first thought, that it would be hard to really, in all honesty, until the deepest layer I’m possible to get down to in myself to admit that. But somehow it wasn’t. And all that happened just a day ago – all these thoughts, but I feel, that there is no inner voice anymore, which is not even a voice, but more of a voice, that is camouflaging in form of a feeling. There is no anger anymore. There is no thinking about all that. Of course right now, because I’m writing this comment, but it is not popping up on its own. I feel different. I’m still exploring this feeling slowly, because I don’t want it to go away again. What I know now, after reading your book, is that I really don’t think I need their love, not even on the deepest level inside of me. I don’t. And so they are irrelevant to me. All this topic is irrelevant, it feels. It feels like right now I’ve said enough, because otherwise it’s a waste of my time and outside I can see a beautiful sunny day and its Sunday, so I of course want to walk through the nature and enjoy this life. I don’t mind anymore. I do feel, that I really don’t. I feel like one of the dogs of the Pawlows experiment, which somehow walked over that line where they used to get shocked, but I don’t get a shock. I’m confused, but I think I realize, that that means, that I can go wherever I want to go and do whatever I want to do. Experiment is over. Dog walks out and enjoys running across the fields – towards my life.
That is what I wanted to add to these two chapters, that are my thoughts about it.
Thank you so much for writing your book. You gave a 28 year old guy from Germany the nudge to get it right! That is really something big!
I wish you the best and if you ever come across the very west of Germany, feel free to come around and have a conversation!
Thank you Julian!
Very intense — I appreciate what you’ve shared. Thank you for your kind words.
And I wish you only well.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’ve been watching your heartfelt videos for years now -all through my rocky college years and young adulthood. Thank you for sharing so much!
I know you feel that there aren’t many useful therapists out there, but perhaps you might know of one in NYC? (I wanted to contact you privately but couldn’t find your email address 🙂
Kind regards!
Hello Daniel, I wonder if you have an opinion about complicated situations when the family kind of loving you from their twisted perspective about the real you, all while you have awareness and knowledge about the family sickness
Hello Daniel,
Your videos have been very helpful. Could you create a video about racism, sexism, homophobia, and other position-based forms of hate/oppression? Something I learned from your videos is that people don’t allow themselves to feel their own feelings or think their own thoughts when they depend on abusive people or systems for survival. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what this means in terms of interpersonal family dynamics as well as dismantling oppression on a societal level. What do you have to say about dealing with family members who have harmful ideas? What if those ideas are harming members of the family in practice, such as sexist marriages, gendered expectations for children, racism in transnational adoptions, etc?
Thank you
Hello I need to talk to someone who can really help an ill man. A father and a person above all.
Hola pudo disculpas por la consulta que nada tiene que ver. Pero me gustaría saber si hay algúna abogada/o que pudiera informarme sobre una persona con esquizofrenia desde niño. Al que no se le da tratamiento correcto. Que hoy día está en Chile y por múltiples problemas y mal tratamiento. Negación de el mismo sabemos como es la salud en Chile hoy fue encarcelado a 3 años de prisión. Estuvo con prisión domiciliaria por meses. No se le permite ver más a su único hijo. Intentó suicidarme en múltiples ocasiones desde adolescente. No recibe y le niegan tratamiento correcto. La justicia negó su enfermedad cuando hay toneladas de informes médicos uruguayos y de allá. No tienen posibilidad economica de conseguir abogado allá. Y no tiene absolutamente nadie. Su madre vive acá y está de agregada viviendo no puede y no consigue un abogado que pueda guiarle por lo menos apta que sea tratado correctamente no se debe encarcelar a un enfermo mental crónico de toda su vida. Y practimanetne ponerlo allí a que se muera. Porque es lo que va a suceder. Cuando estaba fuera de allí. Se apor amdre, padre hermanos lo sacaban de su estado con apoyo etc. Ahora está empujado directamente a morir.
Disculpen pero como justo ingrese al link donde veo documental sobre esquizofrenia y no puedo escribir
Quizá alguien de aquí. Conozca sepa o pueda darme un contacto para jn abogado. La madre vive en mdeo. Tiene graves problemas de. Salud y no le permitieron ayudarlo. En Chile fue básicamente negado su estado con todas la s pruebas la abogada que lo defendió. Ni siquiera expuso todos los ar hivos médicos de años
Tiene 33y sufre desde los 7.
Perdonen se que no es para esto. Pero tmbn se que no está bien y quizá alguien sepa o me pueda contactar. Por lo menos que sea si encerrado pero en jn lugar acorde a un enfermo mental
Hola Antonella,
Saludos desde Nueva York. No se que yo puedo hacer para ayudar, pero hay un grupo en Chile que tiene muchas personas muy inteligente, y probablemente ellos tienes ideas para Ud. En facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Locospornuestrosderechos
Yo los visité en Santiago hace 6 años y ellos estaban fantásticos…
Espero que les puedan ser útiles.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I suffered a nervous breakdown/collapse response and was hospitalized in 2013. The collapse was disorienting and was the result of being in a constant flight mode from childhood (constantly staying busy, “achieving” etc). The symptoms of depersonalization and disconnection was disturbing to say the least and still lingers to this day. I feel like I’m interacting with the world behind a pane of glass. This was my entry point into figuring out what the hell happened to me and it wasn’t until I met a very rare therapist when I was able to slowly begin putting the pieces together and breaking the denial of my childhood (unfortunately she moved away before we could get to any integrative work). My dreams and other experiences have led me to suspect I was abused before I had language, approximately 2 (I do have a ton of adolescent and adult traumas, but I was well dissociated before they occurred so the impact wasn’t as intense). This is extremely frustrating in terms of finding a competent therapist, because most say “well the past is the past.” I’m aware the dissociative symptoms I experience are the result of unintegrated trauma, but trying to connect to those split off parts of myself is mind numbingly frustrating.
One day I had done some grounding work and was focusing on the sensations in my feet and legs. I did this for a few days straight and one morning after I woke up I felt this energy begin to travel up my left leg and I was terrified of it. It moved upwards and it wasn’t an ideal place to let it flow so I had to tense my body and curl up to shut it down and went unconscious. This made me aware that the trauma I’d experienced was split off in my body into my left leg/lower half.
My question to you is, do you have any knowledge of trauma getting split off into the body? There’s a part of me that’s scared to allow that energy to flow again, but I’m realizing it’s probably the only route in towards healing. A part of me would prefer to be with another person, but it’s not something I can make come up on command. Most therapists I’ve worked with focus on talking, but I sense it’s limited in this situation.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Alex
Hi Alex,
It sounds like your healing is right on track. Yes, trauma surely can get trapped in parts of the body, and I think it happens or has happened very commonly to lots of people (myself included), and most are quite unaware of it. Most therapists too, I believe… I’m not sure exactly what to say, though. I am definitely wishing you the best on your healing journey!! I hope you treat yourself very gently. Gentleness goes a long way!!
All the best,
Daniel
Hi, Daniel! I’m commenting for the second time here, and overall I still think that your videos and the essays on this website are very helpful and they immensely helped me grow and process my trauma (I will be forever grateful for that help). But I want to be a bit critical here and say that I am disappointed by the direction you are taking in some of your videos. For example, your video on joy left me mostly depressed and disappointed. I think emotional growth should be about appreciating little things even in ordinary life and not necessarily extraordinary things like travelling to remote locations which would be a joyful experience for most people (my very unhealthy father is very joyful during his trips to other countries). The video on joy felt like you are bragging about your travels – and I understand that that wasn’t your aim, but if you put yourself in the shoes of people who can’t really afford to travel than I think it’s easy to understand why it might have come across this way. The point is not that I think you should hide your love for travelling, not at all! But the fact that you focus so much on extraordinary experiences from your travels is deeply alienating to me, because like most people, I lead an ordinary life and try to find enjoyment in simple things, not fighting cangaroos in Australia (that’s a joke :)). I hope my criticism is fair – I’m scratching my head thinking about whether it is, and I think it at least partly is. I think it’s in a way connected to a broader criticism of your views I have developed, namely that on your channel you almost completely ignore the topics of capitalism and privilege, including your own privilege. It’s really weird that you talk about the ecological destruction of our planet without ever talking about capitalism which is the direct cause of the problem. It’s like talking about the invasion of Ukraine without ever mentioning the Russian army and Vladimir Putin.
Despite my criticisms I wish you all the best!
Mateusz
Hi Mateusz,
Thanks for your comments. I would say that I most definitely appreciate the little things in life too, and often find joy in them. But for the sake of making the point about joy in that video I just chose a particularly “high intensity” joy experience. And I don’t think I was bragging, just sharing.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
P.S. I think capitalism is a rotten system of human economic interchange, and is a reflection of our species’ overall lack of healing from trauma. Exploitation of self and others is normal and expectable for traumatized people, and until we heal our traumas more as a collective whole we’ll almost certainly continue to have economic systems that continue to reflect this… Sad…
While Mateusz makes a great point about enjoying the small things, I don’t blame you for wanting to take regular vacations away from the toxic, materialistic, capitalistic cesspit that America can be, in order to experience other cultures. Plus, unlike most tourists, you are courteous and frugal, and also impart your wisdom onto the people you meet. I say take as many vacations as you need to, whatever you gotta do for your mental health.
Hi,
I just wanted to say thank you for being such a keen observer, and speaking such profound yet simple truths, Daniel – truths that I wish were obvious to the rest of the world. This post is basically about how I agree with you on pretty much everything – from how we distract ourselves, to how we use politics as a way to vote for better parents. I do apologize for posting here again so soon, but I felt compelled to say thank you. I discovered your channel maybe 6 months ago, but I’ve been re-watching your videos and it really struck me just how much I’ve needed them to cope in this world which has very nearly driven me to insanity. Like you, a lot of what my parents do is considered normal, since we live in a world where people only recognize the most extreme forms of abuse and turn a blind eye to anything else. If you don’t have a diagnosis, then society expects you to just get a job and move along.
I’m amazed by how right you are on so many fronts – how your thoughts so closely match everything I’ve ever observed about people and their reluctance to examine their own childhoods and the way their parents treated them. As others have said before, it takes a lot of bravery to go on camera and talk about all these nasty, toxic family dynamics. I can only imagine how many haters you have, all of whom are caught up in or perpetrating these awful family dynamics themselves. I’m so grateful that you’re brave enough to not let them silence you, because I don’t think there’s anyone else talking about these things. If it wasn’t for your videos, I’d still feel alone and crazy.
It’s disturbing just how early the abuse can begin, from the moment the baby is in the womb. You mentioned this in your video on Mr. Peterson. A father can for example feel jealous of the baby, viewing it as competition for the mother’s attention. I’m absolutely certain my own father was like this, and sabotaged me even before I was born. I don’t even want to think about how common this must be in our world, across all cultures. And that’s just one example of the kind of abuse that’s overlooked by society. Quite frankly, most people in our world are too stupid to recognize the abuse for what it truly is. And what about parents who abandon their kids to go to work, and let technology (tablets, TV) raise their kids? I’m sure most parents do that in this day and age. Why does nobody see how awful that is? Why is that completely normal and acceptable?
It’s disturbing to me how eager people are to distract themselves. We’re supposed to go to work, we’re not supposed to mull on our feelings for too long. It’s considered normal to spend a whole weekend obsessively cleaning your car, power washing your driveway, trimming your front lawn, absentmindedly humming away the whole time. And it’s exactly these lawn-trimming, car-washing suburbanites that call people like us lazy. We do literally anything we can to distract ourselves, and it’s considered completely normal. I used to pour hours into this mind-numbing video game where you just click on a virtual tree all day to chop it down to level up your character. That game has millions of players who also pour hours into it. I’m talking thousands of hours that each person puts in, probably completely zoned out. I also used to distract myself by doing math competitions in high school – a huge distraction that everyone saw as productive. This phenomenon of people distracting themselves is by far the true epidemic that absolutely no one will talk about. From re-watching your videos, I realize just how often you hit the nail on the head.
And what about people’s fascination with politics and politicians? I think your views on politics are bang-on. People who go out there and vote for politicians do so without realizing they’re trying to vote for the mummies and daddies they never had. They talk about politicians like they’re trying to pick and choose traits they wish their parents had. Is that politician a good communicator? Is that politician open-minded? Because daddy sure wasn’t a good communicator. People are so quick to talk about tariffs and trade deals, but how come we don’t start from the bottom-up and take a good, hard look at how parents and society so often destroy the creativity and awesome potential of young human beings? And I do share your view on how wonderful our potential is – our empathy, thought processes, intelligence, creativity. If we had healthy family dynamics to begin with, maybe we’d be a sovereign species – maybe we wouldn’t even NEED to elect leaders to make decisions for us. Why the heck does nobody see this? Why are we in a state of such deep denial? I lose hope every time I think about how much people are in denial.
So thank you once again Daniel. It’s just uncanny how much we see eye-to-eye. I’ve gone my whole life without anybody who “sees” any of this. I wonder if those of us who watch your videos all share a similar personality type. It’s a miracle that I have access to your channel now, after an endless amount of distracting myself in countless ways. And you do such an excellent job at articulating everything, I can’t express that enough. Your channel is truly a gift. I saw the video where you address young human beings of the future, if we ever manage to get our act together. I truly can imagine people of the future looking back on that video in reverence. I really do wish we’d get our act together, because I see our denial-plagued species as being so incredibly irresponsible. I’m sick of humanity’s BS.
Thank you Pat!
Daniel
Is there a specific type of therapist who would specialize in treating sociopathy
Hi Eric,
I am really not sure, mostly because I didn’t even have a name for the “type” of therapy I was doing. I often think that the mental health field gets very focused on the “type” of therapy, and would probably do a lot better to focus instead on the quality of the specific therapist. In every type of therapy that I’ve seen, there are a some good therapists (usually very few) and some bad ones (usually quite a lot).
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I am living a life I don’t want to live. I’ve had childhood trauma plus I faced sexual harassment twice by fellow mates and experienced parental favoritism too. Friends took advantage of my low self-esteem and all that lead to major depression. Sometimes, I question myself that maybe I am a bad person that’s why I’m suffering, Come on how can so many people be that bad. it’s maybe me who is the evil. I never found a single person who said me that it was not my fault. Last year I had my first psychotic episode.
I want to ask you one question, What if all the mental illnesses on the planet are just symptoms of one illness? Bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, or any illness are just symptoms of one disorder that all the human race is suffering from? The war, killing each other or fighting for boundaries, etc are just symptoms of the same one disorder?
I’d love to hear your opinion.
Hi Pranami,
Sorry to hear this… My opinion is that the root of most mental and emotional problems (the ones that get labeled as mental diagnoses) lies in people’s childhood — the unresolved traumas, sometimes considered even normal and mild, that people suffered long ago…
I am wishing you only the best on your journey!
Daniel
BiPolar, Schizophrenia et c et c is not a MENTAL ILLNESS: it is a human mechanisme in order to heal PAST TRAUMA…
The Western Society a.k.a. The Pharmaceutical Industry and the SCIENCE has made IT a “mental illness” in order to enslave them further in more mental slavery, situation, stifling et c et c…
…
Thnx for sharing your trauma. Please do not kill yourself…even hoe hard you suffer…Please find the “KEY OF LIFE”, which is hidden somewhere INSIDE YOU
Hello again (commented here a few times in the past).
Daniel, I have lived an extremely chaotic and trauma filled life, to the point where it feels impossible to recover. I won’t go into details here, since it would take a whole novel anyway.
I would love to have a therapist who could grasp the full extent of how bad my situation is. I live in Canada, and the mental health system up here seems really basic and utterly clueless. They only care about things like addictions and would never take childhood trauma seriously. Nobody here talks as openly as you do – Canada has a culture of keeping up appearances of normality. I want to be able to go to a secluded forest and just scream my lungs out, as you once said. I want to be surrounded by people who want the same. Canada is the last place on Earth I need to be. I really think it’d be cool if you visited Canada and looked at some of the family dynamics here.
My dream would be to move to the US someday to find a great therapist. If not a therapist, then a community, or at least one person who gets it. I don’t know how that’s ever gonna happen, but I need to find SOMEBODY who can at least relate to the hell I’ve been going through my whole life. I know the US is mostly full of people who aren’t trying to heal, but paradoxically it seems to me that Americans are doing the most healing in online trauma-centered communities. It seems to me like it’s mostly Americans who are opening up online. Right now I have no money and probably no way of getting into the US.
Hi Pat — thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your perspective — I didn’t exactly think of America this way but you may be right! Wishing you only the best– Daniel
Thank you,
To be honest, maybe the reason America has a relatively high number of people trying to heal is that America is unfortunately the most screwed up, violent place to begin with. But then again, there are so many messed up family dynamics all over the world..
I would say that America is a 90-10 split. 90% of people are oblivious to their own traumas, 90% are trying to run from their traumas by making a lot of money for instance.. And some of that 90% are wandering around sensing something is wrong – the conspiracy types – but they never once examine their own childhoods.
That 10% however, seems to be far more than what any other country has. So in a world where everyone is clueless, America’s 10% comes out on top in my books. I feel like there wouldn’t be anyone noticing and saying the things that you say if they weren’t American.
Cheers 🙂
well said — your insights sound spot on to me — very good ananlysis
I think your figure of 90-10 when it comes to people healing definitely varies based on where you live. I live in Omaha, Nebraska and I’ve been fervently searching for allies in my healing for almost 3 years to absolutely no avail. So if are ever able to make the move to the States, areas with higher populations may give you a higher chance at finding allies.
This is true! Rural areas are appealing to me due to the calmness and greenery, but the payoff would be that no one’s interested in healing or having these sorts of conversations. My priority would be finding healing allies above all else – wherever they are is where I wanna be.
I highly recommend the following online forum:
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD
It’s an online community for anyone with childhood trauma. I think anyone who watches Daniel’s stuff would benefit from that forum. It’s how I’ve been coping due to not having anyone like me here in Canada.
Hi, Daniel!!!
Do You have any thoughts on Herrman Hesse’s book “Steppenwolf”.
Whish You all the best,
JM
Hi JM — hmm, I read Steppenwolf about thirty years ago and maybe should try again. I read most of Hermann Hesse’s books, but the only two that I really loved were Siddartha and Narcissus and Goldmund, and I’m no longer sure I would like Narcissus and Goldmund too much anymore. But when I was twenty I really loved it. Wishing you all the best too!
Daniel
Hi Daniel, after about a year I came back again to a documentary called “A Beautiful Madness (2002)” about John Nash, an American mathematician, a Nobel Prize winner, who also suffered from schizophrenia.
I’ve searched your website on this documentary (or a movie “Beautiful Mind (2001)”) in hope of finding your thoughts on it, but without luck.
If you find some time for a few words, it would be great!
The thought that John Nash in one point decided to stop listening the voices inside of his head is for me questionable.
Personally, my interest on this topic is provoked by personal events on my workplace 8 years ago, after which followed a few weeks of paranoia.
Also, I’m also fan of a movie “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden (1977)”.
Thanks a lot for your work, I’m not missing one YT video of yours, but here I’m not very often.
Please keep your good work and please stay around.
Greetings from Germany
Oh sorry, the name of documentary is “American Experience” A Brilliant Madness (2002)
Hello Daniel, I only just discovered your Youtube channel in the past week, but I am enjoying them immensely. Listening to you and reading your blog and information, we share some common interests and similar upbringing. I was intrigued by your opinions on psychotherapy and found your views very refreshing. I am currently raising a 14 yr old troubled teenager, and have been searching for answers on how to raise her better. My oldest daughter is 18, with autism and other developmental difficulties, but for the most part, she has recovered from autism and is on her way to a happy, creative life. She is a lot like Temple Grandin. My focus now is on the 14 yr old. She suffers from extreme depression, cuts herself when upset, likes to look goth, and portrays herself as tough, but she is actually very fragile emotionally. My opinion of her, in order to help clarify my difficulties with her, is she acts very narcissistic at times, and she reacts in a narcissistic way to any parental discipline, no matter how gentle, she is easily offended and always seeks revenge or justice in some way. I know this is partly due to her age, but she has been difficult to raise since she was school age. She is my biological niece, and we adopted her at age 2 and have had custody of her since age 2. The past few months have been difficult with her. She basically has learned she can “tattle” on us whenever she is angry at us for any perceived ‘offense.’ She has gotten CPS called on us 3 times because she tells her angry stories to new, young teachers and her (in-training) therapist over how mistreated she thinks she is. Its very hard for us to cope with and embarrassing when we have to explain ourselves and defend our innocence since there isn’t any truth to her stories, but she makes us sound horrible when she goes to school and complains and then she complains to her ‘new’ therapist who doesn’t even know us at all. Our solution was to stop allowing her to be alone with these adults and now we go to family therapy where we can all talk and be heard. Now she is angry and says she won’t talk in family therapy and she wants to be able to ‘go one on one,’ with her own personal therapist. We cannot trust her at this point and we are just trying to listen, and show empathy towards her. She always has negative viewpoints and complaints about everything. Anger seems to be her default emotion, or else she’s crying over how depressed she is. She’s been hospitalized briefly last fall and it helped somewhat, but her mental issues are hard to treat and she is very resistant to a lot of my ideas and suggestions. She often acts happy around other people, like her school friends, teachers, guidance counselor etc. and she acts very sweet and polite to the world, but at home, she treats us badly, including her sister. Anyway, your videos have been helpful and I can relate to a good bit of it. I once wanted to be an ‘Art Therapist,” but there are no college programs in the south that teach it. I used to live in New York and there were art therapy clinics in various places. But I mainly stay home and help my kids, take care of pets, and do painting. Both my kids are into art. I live in Florida and mental health services here are very poor. I also live in a small town in a poor county, so the people that live here are generally uneducated types of blue collar workers. This area is known for cattle ranching and the beef industry. Any Dr. or therapist here is not the best quality in my opinion. You have to seek help in a big city in order to find better. This place is very redneck. My daughter calls it, “Yee-haw Florida.” We are ‘misfits’ in this part of the US. (educated, better income etc) My background was I grew up in a home with a lot of trauma. I have 3 sisters who had various mental issues and 2 were diagnosed with schizophrenia, bi-polar, etc. I noticed you have a documentary about that as well. My sisters today would be diagnosed differently, probably with autism, cognitive disabilities, etc. Anyway, glad to have run across your videos and web site. I needed something like that because few people have lived with mentally ill family members, (or at least fess up to it) so your story is one that is familiar to me.
Wishing you the best, Carol!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Havent been to your pg in a bit, so glad youre still sharing in YT w/ us! Thank you so much for the work that you do, and all the support you offer, being so brave, and helping us process!
I have a question, but its hard for me to formulate it, or be concise..I feel like there are altered states, spaced out states etc, and there are drug withdrawal induced states that appear very similar, not sure if they are or not, but…Do you have any comments about how they may or may not be different (helpful hints +). Do you have any advice in how to be supportive in the latter, especially if someone does not tend to taper off? Am i out of bounds here?
Forgive me if my question is rude pls. Thank you again.
PS: i love Mr Pig! OmG))) …Thank You! Thanks for making him adorable, being that hes so terrifying!
Sincerely grateful
Hi Veronica,
Hmm, I’ll have to think about it. While I have in the past helped some folks get through drug withdrawal (I’m assuming you mean psych drug withdrawal), I’m not sure if I have a good answer to your question…. Have you seen, meanwhile, the website The Withdrawal Project — I think they’re pretty good! But I think the altered states with psych drug withdrawal just sometimes last, for some people, a lot longer than more regular altered states… Meanwhile, I’m glad you like Dr. Pig. It was fun for me to make those videos — though he did make a lot of folks angry and uncomfortable!!
Warm greetings-
Daniel
Thank you Daniel, for taking the time. Wonderful link! Whoa…Pricelesss. Thanks a million.
We all need and deserve the truth in palatable way))) And not filthy lies that perpetuate calamity. Thank You again. Wishing you the best always, V
Love how you don’t mince words and do speak truth without qualifiers!
-Chris B.
Hey Daniel!! Been a huge fan of your vids since 2013. You have such clear thinking and analytical perspective, not including your vast experience as a psychotherapist once upon a time. I actually had the chance to work with a therapist from your documentary ‘take these broken wings’ for many years, and she helped me a ton until I reached the point where there was nothing more she could could do. In the past 3 years I’ve experimented with holotropic breathwork, emdr, somatic experiencing, and right now I do a form of generational trauma healing with eft and the institute for the study of peak states. I know a lot of this work is at the fringes of what’s evidence based and accepted, but I keep meeting more and more people who said enough to psychotherapy and began using trauma therapies and healed by leaps and bounds. I’m wondering if you’re ever going to document your thoughts through the new avenues beyond ‘chemical imbalance’ and the thesis that trauma is stuck in the body which eventually resonates in our behaviors, thoughts and feelings. I have been hoping for that since you have such a strong following. I highly recommend the textbook emdr for schizophrenia and other psychoses. I’m certain you would be glued to that book, a lot of the same things you documented are there, plus some incredible trauma healing techniques for proper in extreme states of consciousness. Be well man, and thanks for your voice and existence.
To clarify, I’m not sayin you follow the chemical imbalance theory, that would be dumb, I’m saying we’re finally seeing more accepted evidence based theories and models that say that’s a flawed model and the new trauma healing, theory and models through evidence based practices su as emdr and somatic experiencing are helping that become the norm
Great to hear, Sergio — thank you for sharing this!
Warm greetings,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Just wanted to stop by and express continued gratitude for the work you do and share with us all. Hope you are doing well and staying warm!
Best wishes,
— Nicholas
Thanks Nicholas!
Hi Daniel,
I became aware of your “Roll On, Big Pharma” song just a day ago and have listened to some others by now (good stuff). I’ve also found your YT channel and watched some of the vids (good stuff again).
Are you aware what your family name relates to? It’s obviously of German origin and the word “Macke” means quirk/mar in German (at least when it comes to behaviour/psychology). Not that I think you’ve one but I thought it’s a bit funny considering your relation to the topic and just wanted to let you know in case you don’t already.
Keep up the great work you’re doing, please!
Hi Marsch — thanks!! And I didn’t know that about the name Macke. Interesting!
Daniel
Hello,
i have a question related to something that you mentioned in one of your videos. I don`t know if i got it right, but as far as i understood you said somethink like 99% of children are beeing traumatized in some way by their parents.
I read some books of Arno Gruen and he wrote something differently, he was talking about a 1/3 rule, but it was related to obedience, which is for me a big symptom of trauma. From what i understood he said 1/3 of people are very bad off and very bad traumatized by their parents, another 1/3 of people is more mixed, so they have some traumas but they also have resources and 1/3 is usually quite good off, they get raised with a lot of love and empathy. I don`t know if thats true. But i wouldn`t agree thats its really 99% as you say, or even if thats true, i never worked as a therapist, sorry, i would say there is also a percenteage of people which only have smaler wounds, which don`t have such a huge impact on their life, like others and therefore i wouldn`t really count them.
I don`t know if you have time between all the questions you get to answer to this. I mean i see this, the more i heal, i see wounds or unresolved issues in other people, but i wouldn`t say its almost everyone.
Hi Jens,
I think certainly some people are raised better than others, and some a lot better, but from what I’ve observed no one escapes trauma, and certainly not a third of people. I think the issue I’ve seen is that a lot of people aren’t so sensitive to what actually constitutes trauma — literal trauma — in a child. From what I’ve observed a huge amount of trauma goes right under most adults’ radar… Daniel
For me its like the question is where you draw the line. I mean life is not only about healing traumas for many people. Sometimes things just have to be done no matter how horrible you feel. Do you know what i mean? Also it would be better if everyone would heal their traumas but i made the expierence that especially the people that are really bad of don`t even know they have some or they don`t want to know. Sometimes their ego doesn`t even allow it to look into these traumas. I don`t know. You also mentioned that in some religion there is also circumcision which will cause traumes in babys, i would totally agree with that. But its just the way everyone is raised, you know its so normal. Is there anything we can do about it?
I am sorry i didn`t wanted to bother you with this too much, i am just trying to make sense what happend to me in my childhood and what i have been going thru in the last 12 years of my life which was basicly a lot of griefing traumas but finding out that i still somehow had to make a living and it was horrible for me to have to do both at the same time. And now i can see many people arround me where i think they have serious issues going on, but they refuse to go seek a therapist probably because they don`t suffer enough.
Hey Daniel. I hope you read these comments you keep seeing how many people you are helping. I am 32 female a transracial international adoptee from the 70/80s craze of Americans adopting abroad. Because i am here we can all guess it did not go well lol. You are the first person i have encountered who has the same passion as me about speaking out about family dysfunction and critism of the family cult systems that exsist. You are brave and full of courage and those of us who appreciate that authenticity you talk about, are giving you a standing ovation. Thank you sooo much for using your life to try and educate us!!
Thanks Becca!
Hi Daniel,
Do you think chronic traumatic encephalopathy is a real disease ?? Or is it a new labeling to the sports person’s who too suffer from depression, anxiety etc … as the rest of the population ??
Is cte complete bullshit or do we need to stop playing contact sports ?? Most of the people has occasional head collisions or hits to head …….. does that mean they will develop cte in future ??
What do you think?? Please do reply …
Thanks daniel
Shanmukh,
Hmm, I always assumed it was real, but I’m no expert for sure! I generally think, though, they getting smashed in the head repeatedly for any reason is probably not a good idea! Daniel
amazing how they do this mindf*ckery, sometimes hard to decide online it is kinda AI or some psychopath horde droid, but obviously the “science” and the billionaires put a lot of effort and money in it….
really worth to laugh only these surveillance, manipulation, blocking, mess-around, stalker etc. maniac, king complex psychos….
Hi Daniel (and everyone else reading this).
First of all,I want to thank you for being who you are and for opening my eyes to what my family actually has done to me,especially since I started feeling that something was wrong about the way I perceived my parents even back when I was little and was never able to put my finger on it,so thank you for giving me new tools to improve myself.
Secondly,I have around 60 pages left of your book “Breaking from your parents” (which,to my shame,am reading illegaly for free,hope I’ll get it in physical form someday) and I’m considering presenting it in front of my class (since I’m first year in college,so I believe there may still be some hope here),although I’m not too sure if it will really help/interest someone and if I’m ready for possible consequnces.While I think I’ll probably go through with this regardless of your opinion(s),I’d still like some inputs or even anectodes from anyone willing to share or give their thoughts on this.
Wish you all the best!
Hi Daniel,
I’m in the midst of a breakup with my partner. Luckily, it doesn’t feel like a crisis. I feel that a normal grieving process lay ahead. However, there’s a thorn in it that has me very unsure about myself. A part of the breakup involves my partner feeling like they are a “caretaker” to what they’ve identified as their BPD boyfriend (me). In fact, her therapist (who uses CPT approach, worksheets, etc.), is the one who suggested BPD without having met me. My partner approached me about this since we’ve been having issues seeing eye to eye in the relationship. In an effort to be responsive I forwarded the topic to my own therapist who uses an IFS approach. My therapist strongly disagreed with that assessment and added that it was a little strange to have a diagnosis like that so leisurely plopped into my lap, especially without any one-on-one contact with my partners therapist. I told my partner my therapists opinion but my she seems to be at least somewhat still convinced anyways. She finshed a book on partners of BPD rapidly and showed up saying, “I have to move on.” Now, of course there are many other parts/reasons for calling it quits. Some of them have been present for a while. They make sense and the breakup certainly isn’t out of left field. But again, it’s this BPD thing that has me feeling confused.
I saw your video on “A Critique of Borderline Personality Disorder” and appreciated your perspective. I personally think diagnoses aren’t helpful for me. Especially in this day and age it feels less like a lense of validation and more like a weapon, “Oh you have this? Well I have that too! or I have this other disorder which is worse!” In my experience, most of the time, talk of diagnoses or disorders is a non-starter for any real discussion about childhood trauma. It feels like it quickly turns into some weird contest of who’s hurt more and who’s supposed to talk and who’s supposed to listen. I leave going thinking, “What the heck was that conversation???”
I guess my question would be, “What to make of all this?” I go online and look at the traits of BPD and think, “Well I can certainly relate to most of these.” Exceptions would be self-harm, suicial ideation of threats, and violent or aggressive behavior (including verbal) But if it’s such a “difficult” disorder to diagnose then how am I to know? Should I trust my inner voice that rejects labeling everything? Or should I squeeze more out of this? I suppose the most unsettling part of all of this is the recurring detail I’ve read that BPD is apparently “incurable.”
Anyways, thank you for your time. I appreciate any thoughts you might have.
If anything, I continue looking forward to your next topics on YouTube!
Best,
Nicholas
Hi Nicholas,
I reject that label of borderline personality disorder also! And I think it’s terrible when a therapist tells someone that their partner might have this diagnosis. A really rotten thing to say, as far as I’m concerned. Very insensitive. I know it’s easy for me to say, but I hope you can just figure out how to disregard what that therapist said. I’ve had some similar things happen to me, and I admit that I found them very unsettling and painful. Wishing you only the best, Daniel
I to have been diagnosed with BPD and reject that personality disorder. Because of trauma from family members who are dramatic it makes sense that people would diagnose me with BPD. Have you looked into your family history?
I’ve been reading an Allen Carr book on internet addiction, trying to make sense of how Allen’s ideas fit into the broader pitcure of healing from childhood trauma. I had the idea to make it into a little speech, like the ones that you have been uploading on YouTube! Here’s the script so far:
~~~
If you’ve ever read an Allen Carr book, you’ll have heard that an empty feeling, a void inside can be what tips a person into addiction.
Another author who talks about voids and addictions is Daniel Mackler, although with different vocabulary. Here the void is called childhood trauma, and the addiction is called dissociating.
It is Mackler’s view that the first step to healing from childhood trauma, is to let go of the denial that you had a good childhood, and to stop all forms of dissociation. This is a very broad view of addiction that includes things like work, romance, and having children, just anything that will stop you from thinking about your inner sense of loss.
Allen Carr’s method to curing an addiction asks clients to “start with a feeling of elation.” This feeling of elation that is so crucial in Allen Carr’s method, could it be just another veil of dissociation?
After quitting smoking, Allen Carr worked nonstop to rid the world of smoking. Even after being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, the final few months were spent working nonstop to finish a new book, leaving no time for loved ones. [There is an interview clip by Allen’s widow talking about the dissapointment that they didn’t get any time to spend together, somewhere on YouTube.]
Where did Allen’s void go? Is it enough to be a happy non-smoker if you live your life running away from your inner void?
Yes, it is much better to no longer have the addiction, but it would be even better to direct the extra energy towards looking into the void (or, working to heal the trauma), which will become very difficult to access in a state of elated dissociation.
After all, the void does not fill itself. If it did, nobody would fall into addiction in the first place.
~~~
This was pretty fun to think about. Thank you for all the wisdom that you spread!
Cool! Thanks Yasmi!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
This is just an appreciation post. I’m in my mid-30s and have only recently come to understand that I’m not who my parents (and family) have always told me I am, at all- and to start to pick apart years of trauma. I’ve been working with young women trying to help them overcome trauma specific to (or aka) female socialisation for years, but somehow never really turned the lens inward until now. I’ve found your videos and writing extremely helpful, moving and quietly radical. It takes courage to critique the sacred institutions of parents, family, therapy practice- and even if I disagree with some conclusions, I think you’re doing something really valuable.
Thanks Marianne! Wishing you only the best!
Daniel
Watch some of your videos and bought your book Toward Truth. Love your stuff. Thank you for the effort. Keep it up and stay safe!
Cool! Thanks Kingston!
Daniel
Dear Daniel, Thank you for all that you so generously share. You are my number one favourite Youtuber. And I have tons of faves. Your number one fan.
Awww thanks Rachel!
Daniel
Keep up the great job, Daniel Mackler. The need for us all to break out and away to heal together, as a society, from parental abuse and neglect to restart with proper families, is there. It is clear for us who have been through the suffering of the crazyness and carelessness of those who were supposed to love us the most. I am unsure about to what extent is us, the ones who have and are suffering this kind of situation, or everyone because the sickness is widespread and systemic. But you are right, if only we were listened, if the shame were on the abusers and unloving, sick ones, everyone, including them, would benefit. Be all right, you are not alone in this. I am through the process too, with kids of my own, so with even more responsibility to do it as perfect as humanly possible.
Thanks Hank!
Daniel
Please sorry, my main interest is to share knowledge about meaning of life in order to prevent suffering and self-destruction of people. Author is a biologist from Saints Petersburg: Vladimir Antonov. He is researching Spirituality for decades and discovered amazing stuff, also psychical self regulation which is healthy to do for everyone. We, as he says, have not only physical heart but spiritual. If you’re skeptical, google hearthmath institute. My task is to inform you, after that do as you feel right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NLCaKttTrk&t=0s
https://www.facebook.com/Mikera11/
https://consciousnesscalibrations.com/tag/people/
Hey,
I’ve written about how dreadful and parent-oriented Canada is. I’ve found a video where they use modern MRI equipment to effectively lobotomize this woman to “treat depression”. Notice how the comments are turned off. They just casually assert that they know the exact area of the brain that causes depression, as if it’s that simple – and that it can just simply be nuked with an MRI. So yeah, a modern day lobotomy. I only see the insanity of this because I grew up in the US. I’m getting more and more terrified of Canada.
Whoops, I forgot to link the video. Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaZTnlFJGMY&ab_channel=CBCNews%3ATheNational
Hey, Daniel.
I’ve been watching your videos for a couple of weeks now, and it’s been fascinating and scary, to say the least. I struggle with anger a lot, like I can lose my temper in an instant, and by the time I realize I’m angry I’ve already hurt myself and others. Since I started journaling, I’ve realized that it’s mainly because of the abuse I endured from my father when I was a kid. He wasn’t physically abusive, since my mom didn’t allow that, but the emotional abuse I was subjected to was, to me, very traumatic. So much so, that I really hate myself, and feel like I’m worthless. And since I didn’t have the space to actually feel and express my anger appropriately, I forced myself to repress it in order to avoid rejection. As a result, I have a really hard time recognizing healthy, appropriate anger.
I wanted to know if you could perhaps give me some advice on how to deal with and embrace anger. I feel like I’m stuck.
Greetings!
PD: English isn’t my mother tongue, so hopefully I was able to convey my thoughts in an understandable manner.
Hi Paola, I did make a video on anger, but now exactly on how to deal with it… I think your question might be a good topic for a future video, though at the moment I’m swamped in my life. I do have a self therapy book available for a lot price (hopefully!!) through this website. Maybe that would help some??? Sorry to be so brief now!! Daniel
Thank you, Daniel! It’d be great if you made a video on how to deal with anger. And I’ll check what you’ve shared on your website. Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.
Best wishes,
Paola
hi Daniel,
I have also broken from my parents/ they have broken from me, and watch your videos on the subject. I have a wife and baby boy of 6 months and don’t believe they have a right to see my child.
Can you do a video on this topic. It seems to me that grandparents think they have an automatic right to see grandkids. At this point they are not going to see my son unless they change and make things right
with me. Is this a fair attitude. I feel that my father stole cheated lied and manipulated me over and over and im just sick of it and don’t think that is a good influence on me or my Childs life. My mother also partakes in his
lies and takes his side so she is out also. I think that if one of your parents is out they both should be in general if of course they agree on it. My dad is 80 my mom 76. My sister has also had enough and I believe is not communicating with
them any longer. she has two kids and has just recently cut them off from the grandparents also. They are 13 and 10yoa and have had been exposed to the abuse from grand parents in the past. No sexual or physical abuse. Just emotional and controlling with money mostly. They have a significant amount of money of think they can control us all with their promises of money.
thanks in advance
Scott
HI Daniel,
I’m a huge fan of your work and philosophy. Thank you for making those YouTube videos, books and blog entries, they’ve all really helped me.
Anyways, I’m currently experiencing transference with my current psychologist, who i’m being forced by my parents to go to. I’m just wondering if you have any advice on dealing with transference as it is really intense, and my dissociated and insecure psychologist refuses to honestly talk about these things with me, leaving me alone in the dark.
I’ve started meditating, journaling, reading, stopping porn, improving my diet, and getting some exercise in but as a 18 year old NEET with social anxiety, jealousy, confusion, anger and depression, breaking away from my unhelpful parents and having true financial freedom isn’t that easy to have, and is even harder when my psychologist is in my head 24/7.
Thanks for any suggestions and taking the time out of your day to read this.
NSP— Sorry for my long delay— life! I don’t have the best advice specifically for you, except maybe talk about it with the therapist and if they are not helpful perhaps take some distance from them? Or Journal more about it? Engage in more self therapy? I don’t know if any of this will help. But maybe. Maybe this is a good topic for a future video for me to do! Warm greetings,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I first encountered your name long long time ago, just when I was researching stuff on Alice Miller. As I have never found a therapist that could help me, I was wondering if there are any that you could recommend as I know you do not practise psychotheraphy anymore yourself.
Hi Paulina,
Greetings! I’m sorry to say that I don’t have any therapists to recommend right now. I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. But I am wishing you the best on your healing journey. Daniel
Hey Daniel, I agree with much of what you say in your new video “A pre-recorded message to the children of 2100”. I like how you mention that technology won’t help heal our traumas, even though we are constantly sold the idea that technology is the cure-all, by people like Elon Musk for example. In my opinion, Elon is the type of fake, corporate person who represents the modern era.
But my question for you is this: what gives you so much hope that the people of 2100 will wake up and suddenly be kind to nature, suddenly have the awareness to try healing their traumas, when people before them have failed to do so for thousands of years? I’ll use our current era as an example: As a young-ish person myself, in my early 20s, I personally feel that people who grow up in 2021 are just as likely, if not more likely than their parents, to not care about the destruction we’re doing to nature.
(In what I’m about to write, I don’t mean to invalidate your negative experiences with your own generation, or your parents’ generation. Your lived experiences are valid and I won’t write them off just because I haven’t experienced them.)
I worry that the future will be the opposite from what you predict. From my perception, kids today don’t have many honest figures in their lives who communicate the things that you do. Instead, we live in a world filled with people who only care about money. As you mentioned, technology is so pervasive, and it has in my opinion jeopardized our ability to connect with nature, and it’s even dulled down our language – our ability to communicate the nuances of our traumas using sentences and paragraphs. Nowadays, it’s all about writing short, snappy twitter posts, and that’s not a good system for communicating traumas in my opinion. I feel as though people are getting more judgmental. For instance, I would be much more comfortable opening up to someone from an older generation, because of my feelings that younger people today are more judgmental.
So yeah, I am curious to know why you feel as though the future generations, who will inevitably be more technological, will be the point where humanity finally wakes up and finally cares about nature. I want to hope the same as well, but from my experiences around people my age and even younger, I just don’t see it.
Actually I’m starting to see it.. Just getting a glimpse at my own lost potential as a young person, and how terrifying that glimpse was. Being blind to others displaying their brilliance as a way to defend myself from the awful sadness of me not getting to live up to my own potential.
Maybe you’re right Daniel, we may have a future of geniuses like one couldn’t even imagine coming from our mere, silly 3 dimensions. I just hope that when that day comes, empathy won’t be a thing of the past – that I won’t be left in the dirt anymore like I have been for my entire life.
This is in German Sorry
Leider mußte in Schweden das Healing Home Konzept geändert werden
Nun sind Einige hier in Planung eines Healing Homes ähnlichen Lebens
Omg…I believe this is me. (See video “treatment of attachment-based parental alienation”) I am the targeted parent. I can honestly say “I really don’t understand why this is happening to me” please watch this video. I know for a fact my ex used at least some of these tactics: https://youtu.be/ezBJ3954mKw. I’m not saying that I didn’t make mistakes, i did. But I was never abusive and have been accused of abuse, without any specific examples showing abuse.
Hi Daniel.
I have been a longtime viewer of your youtube channel, and I have spent the past 6 months abstaining from smoking marijuana, where I often found your videos to be a place of solace and comfort. When I was having a really rough time, I would worry that I was going crazy and that I was all alone in the world and nobody understood me. Then I would watch one of your videos, and be instantly calmed down. Probably because in my sober state, I totally agree with your perspective on the state of the world, healing, and the issues that come with medications (dulling the grief and healing process).
Although I did manage to abstain from smoking weed for 6 months, for the most part I had a terrible quality of life. I was often being knocked around by extreme emotional highs and extreme lows. As time went on, these states grew stronger and stronger, leading me to become quite dangerously close to committing suicide. I went off the rails – jeopardised the security of my job, lost a lot of money by being painfully indecisive, didn’t want to socialise with anyone, felt distrustful towards many, and generally saw the world as a dark and gloomy place. I recall you mentioned this phenomenon in one of your videos: the healing process leading someone to a state where they can’t function in society anymore – that is exactly what happened. And hearing you talk about that saved my life at one point also.
As this state of dysfunction grew more erratic over time, I simply had to smoke weed for my survival. It was either that, or commit suicide. And alas, the weed worked, all of my emotions dulled down, and the voice of reason sprung forth into my consciousness to save my life. I have decided to occupy this ‘dissociated state’ by smoking a small amount every 2-3 days at night. It is true that my healing process has been paused for now, but having this distance from my state of being enveloped in my traumas, I can think a little more objectively without my own biases.
Which leads me to want to you ask you questions, ones I have wanted to ask for awhile, but my sober emotional state would not dare to ask:
‘Do you think there is more merit to a healed person than somebody who voluntarily chooses to bypass the healing process?’
I held onto dear life that going through with the healing process would amount to a greater quality of life, but it was a living hell for me that almost led to my self-destruction. I tried many things to make the process smoother: daily self-journaling, clean diet, exercise, early wake ups, plenty of sunshine, no distractions. These things made it all a bit easier, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s also okay just to say: screw it! nobody cares about what we do anyway.. so why not just live a non-courageous/ un-healed/ easy/ dissociated life.
‘Are there any examples of people who have adopted the process of healing and come out ‘better’ than everybody else? ‘
I know the word ‘better’ is vague, but you know what I mean. I would assume that you would think of others differently who choose to avoid the process of healing. In my current dissociated state, I am guarded by the horrors of the world and my history, living a fiction perhaps, but I am also not harming anybody either. I don’t take advantage of others, or live in a way that poses any harm onto myself or others. If anything, the sober shackles of my trauma would put me in a position of being more harmful to others: I would literally drive a car more poorly, and would be awfully forgetful about important things.. because I was way too.. present? present in how I was feeling all the time, it really did make my behaviours more physically dangerous to myself and others.
‘Do you think you are really healed or more healed than when you were a child?’
I am sorry if this question is triggering, but I have to ask. I have noticed that in almost all of your videos, you talk about how your parents betrayed you. Or how the healing process has made you become someone who is much more emotionally volatile to events that happen in the external world. Are these the behaviours of somebody who is at least 90% healed? Again, I am sorry if this question is thorny to answer. While I recognise my questions are quite personal and maybe aggressive in nature, I really am more curious than anything. I want to believe that healing is the right way to go.
Take care Daniel, you have been a great source of support for me and many others. I commend you for sitting through all those uncomfortable feelings to make your videos be published for the world to see. Cheers mate
Hi Nath,
Thank you for sharing all this, and your questions are good. The problem for me is that I’m almost entirely off the grid right now and simply don’t have the time to give your questions in the proper time to reply. The main thing that jumped out to me though, in my moment to reply, is that the first most important thing is to survive and not die! Also, when we take away something that might be a bit of a crutch, like weed or something like that, if we don’t replace it with something better and healthier then life can get really awful, and often life can get really awful even in spite of this. In my case I have spent a lot of time in my journal and also on working and also on having friends. I’m really wishing you the best! Daniel
Hi Daniel
Wow, I just found out about your You Tube channel and I am totally hooked. I appreciate you candid and sincere expression of your thoughts. I think you are a gift to so many people. You’re one of those “who would you wanna sit down and have a beer with” and hope (honestly) I could meet you in person. I am partly NY based too. I have been through therapy. as well. I had no complaints about any one of them but I do sense the “heaviness” in their demeanor. Half of the time, I sense they were not really “with me”. I did not take it against them and in fact I was secretly empathizing with them in real time during my sessions. I do that by trying to be an “easy patient” whatever that means. I can completely relate because I’m also in the medical field (I treat cancer) so I am always in front of people who needs help. I know how difficult it is to be in a position of strength when deep inside, you have demons hounding you. Thankfully, I handle my emotions pretty well in front of patients and it has not compromised the care I give. Looking forward to more videos.
Hi Daniel,
I’m sad to say I was assaulted about two weeks ago by a homeless man, maybe 50 years old who appeared to be in some kind of psychosis. When I had walked past him 20 seconds prior he claimed I “shot him with a gun”, and in retaliation had followed behind and blindsided me with a blunt object. In reality I hadn’t acknowledged him at all; he was shouting in a disorganised way and I blanked him as to not invite further interaction (which I remember felt callous at the time!).
I was very lucky to be in a public place; a witness immediately called the police, and in amidst the chaos I managed to get a clear picture of the guy. The police were quick to arrive but the man had fled the scene. My interaction with them was mostly positive; I gave them my details/ statement + the photo and they gave me a lift to the hospital which I’m grateful for, though as with your story I found it quite surreal to overhear being referred to as ‘the victim’.
While waiting in A&E I found myself thinking about your mugging story and deeply empathising with it. In particular I was profoundly struck by how much empathy you showed the men who robbed you; I’m not sure I could have been so charitable given their apparent agency in the matter. In my case though, it was clear to me within the first 10 seconds or so of being assaulted that this guy needed more help than I did.
I’m at a crossroads right now; the police have gotten back to me asking if I want to proceed with a prosecution and I genuinely don’t know. I’ve since recovered emotionally (I think (: ) and physically minus a scar in my eyebrow that required a bit of glue. I don’t think someone who is prone to random violent outbursts should be out on the streets, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of setting off a chain of events if it leads to him getting lost in a system without the help he needs. This happened in the UK so I appreciate that the protocols might be different, but any insight you might have, moral or otherwise would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards, Michael
Michael, I’m so sorry to hear this! But I thank you very much for sharing it. Yes, unfortunately, I relate to it very much. At least I am grateful that I was not physically assaulted in my case. I am not sure what insights I have right now, as I am thinking about these things all the time and have not come up with a good conclusion. Someday I hope to make some more videos on the subject, when my case is resolved at least. Sending you the warmest greetings. Daniel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7wpoDvFsXY&t=248s&ab_channel=DanielMackler
“Everyone has the right to work.” Really, united nations? As beings here on Earth, one of the things we fundamentally deserve is to do labor? These people who call themselves world leaders, and the ordinary people who support them are the most uncool, boring things the world has ever churned out. This proves how backwards the world is, that we don’t even question “the right to work”. We are told we should be grateful for the opportunity to work 9-5 jobs, because people in poorer countries don’t have this fundamental “human right”.
I love your ideas for what our rights should really be, and how you believe children should be the main recipients of these rights. If society actually cared about us as human beings, the fundamental rights for children that you’ve named would be our commandments. Those children would go on to create an awesome world where we not only appreciate and enjoy nature, but also where we don’t hinder our own creativity and potential to be kind, loving beings. This could be an amazing world to live in.. But clearly, adults and institutions like the UN have always had other plans, since the beginning of time. They are not our guardians, but rather our rulers.
Hello Pat,
I have a slightly different interpretation of the “right to work”, but maybe I am wrong. The way I see it is that in order to live, we all have to make a living, we all need money in order to survive, unless of course you are born to a family of means and everything is taken care of. I would assume that even those who absolutely love and enjoy their jobs still would want and need to be paid. Unfortunately, there are instances when someone who needs a job in order to live are “prevented” (not sure if that is the right word) by others who have something against that individual. For example, you got fired for something you did, you’ve already been punished by losing the job, and yet someone wants to punish you more by ruining your reputation so no one will hire you. I believe that’s where that right comes in. The person who is doing that to you is therefore violating your right to have a job. If that person doesn’t get a job, there will be consequences…he may be evicted or lose his home and become homeless, he loses health insurance and a family member may suffer and even die because there is no money to buy medicines. I can go on and on…but you get the idea. Perhaps you put yourself in that situation…. someone violating your right to have a job and you become jobless and your savings run out and there is no one to help you, not a friend, not a relative. What would happen to you? Anyone of us can be in that situation.
Hey again Daniel!
Just saw your video “A Critique of Jordan Peterson”. I’m not super familiar with him (I have a tendency to gloss over the antics of the really famous folk, and prefer to let everyone else obsess over them).
I live in Canada myself, but I grew up in the US. I had the following thought after watching your video: if the world sees Donald Trump as the face of the US (and therefore holds the US up to all the same scrutiny), then maybe we should look at Jordan Peterson as the face of Canada.
I’ve noticed that parents here in Canada love putting their own kids last. I see parents who drag their bored, exasperated kids around on the bus to complete their own agendas; parents who dump their kid in daycares run by nannies who are completely aloof and see it as just any other job; parents who scold their kids for showing any sign of a facial expression that would indicate disagreement. I see parents who are kinder to strangers than they are to their own children, right in front of their own children. You’re probably thinking that none of these examples are all that different from what you’ve no doubt seen countless times in the US, but to me it really does feel like Canada has a nation-wide culture of lame, pathetic, lousy parenting.
And I find that this is reflected in the adults I’ve interacted with in my 11 years here in Canada. When I think back to my childhood in the US, and when I observe Americans on youtube and even people from other countries like the UK, I notice that you people on the outside have this bizarre ability to smile genuine smiles and laugh genuine laughs. You guys tend to be more spontaneous, less afraid of expressing yourselves, less dull, more creative. You guys seem to be more connected to your own playfulness; more empathic. But I suppose things have been changing for many years, even in other countries – cellphones are taking over the world and turning everyone into Canadians- I mean drones. Nevertheless, I find myself dreaming every day of visiting the US again, and perhaps a new country as well. I’d better do it before it’s too late, and all the things and people I love in this world get replaced by walmarts and cellphones and condos and fancy cars.
So that sums up why I think JP should be the “face” of Canada. Intelligent, professional, calculating, sure. Just like Canada prides itself as being, especially in contrast to its slightly rambunctious neighbor. But as for me, I would rather hang out with a country who’s kind, genuine, capable of being fun and playful.
Pat—
Thank you for sharing this!
Daniel
Pat,
Thank you for sharing this. Very interesting thoughts.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how music is, or can be, integrated into a traumatized musicians journey.
I entered college as a piano performance major in 2010. Just before that I won a competition playing a movement of a Rachmaninoff piano concerto. To this day, it has remained my crowning achievement. But everything started to drift after that. I became unfocused on my studies and craft, not to mention important responsibilities by the end. I was instead fixed on finding that “one true love.” None of them worked out. Also, since school is usually only a 4 year go people would graduate and move on. I somehow took this personally. “They left me. I’m not valuable enough, etc.” Then I began coping using marijuana and alcohol. I eventually saw that I had totally lost track of my life. This is when some self examination unearthed the realization that I started playing the piano when my parents stopped paying attention to me. They drifted into their room with their own substances. I would play that they would come out. And when they did and I had some legitimate complaint about what was going on they would contest, “You’re wrong. You’re so ungrateful. Just be productive.” Family and others only listened if my mouth was shut but my hands were on the keys. “He’s so smart. He’s so talented.” they would say. Then later in college I spent many a night “practicing” and waiting for a familiar face to show in the practice room window. If it was a friend I’d be happily distracted for a while. If it was blonde hair I felt I was saved.
Now, I’ve worked through some 12-step material. I’ve been doing therapy consistently. I journal on occasion. I play on occasion but I listen endlessly. Rachmaninoff continues to be my favorite composer. And sometimes I feel when I play that things are in harmony, that I’m grounded, that I can cultivate this relationship with my instrument again. But it only lasts so long. I get tripped up with these questions: Do I have to heal all of my trauma before I can move forward with my music? Can they be done simultaneously? How can I untangle the part of music that is wrapped up to that lonely child who needed it to cope, to get at least some form of attention? How can I take the part that was genuinely in awe at the sounds and the feelings I was hearing coming through the music of Beethoven, Chopin, Mozart, John Williams, Pink Floyd, etc, etc.?
I watch your videos all the time. I’m deeply appreciative of what you have to say as it often seems to tap into what I’ve always known yet suppressed. You mentioned “action” in your last video. I hear ya.
Sincerely,
Nicholas
Hi Nicholas,
I’m not sure I have a clear answer for you. My own experience of playing music (folk music, guitar, singing), while not remotely at the level you did it, has been healing for me, in that it is a chance for me to explore my feelings and thoughts and also just to relax and have fun. I considered having fun to be a key tool of the self-healing process. I wrote about that in my book on my self-therapy. That has been something that has been important for me with music: to enjoy it. To just work to find the joy in it, and not to use it for any other great purpose, except perhaps as a way to express myself more. I see music, at least for me, as an adjust to my healing process. But nothing, not even music, is more important to me than just figuring out my history, retrieving my buried feelings, grieving, getting away from the toxic people in my past… But what I have found is that the more I have healed the more I feel more inspired, especially in a healthy way, to create music. To just play for the joy of it, and for no other reason. Sending you greetings on your journey! Daniel
Hi Nicholas,
If you are able or willing, I would love to talk to you. I come from a family of performance artists in classical music, my grandparents especially, had large careers which is part of my family dysfunction. Please let me know.
Hi Natasha. That sounds good. How do we connect?
Nicholas
Hello Natasha and Nicholas,
If you want I can connect you both backchannel via email.
Daniel
Thanks Daniel!
Count me in! 😀
—Nicholas
Hi Nicholas,
I’ll wait for Natasha’s approval and then proceed…
Daniel
Hey Daniel I have a question I enjoy your videos from 6 years ago about not having children you make very valid points I feel the same way honestly can you go deeper into that subject in terms of growing as an individual because I know a lot of people are having children in there early 20s and beyond .
Thanks Alex!
Reddit’s Antinatalist sub would be a good page to check out. Here’s the link:
https://www.reddit.com/r/antinatalism/
Hello again. I’ve commented here before, and this time I want to thank you for making the video titled “Why I don’t recommend ayahuasca for healing psychological trauma”. I think it was quite responsible of you to make that video, considering there are some youtubers out there who are really pushing drugs like ayahuasca and DMT, such as a certain podcast host whose name I won’t mention. In that podcast, the host mentions all sorts of psychedelics, but especially ayahuasca and DMT quite frequently in a highly glorifying way, and maybe a few times I’ve heard him add in a couple words of caution as an afterthought. He’s probably talked in detail about those substances hundreds of times in his videos, but I don’t recall him ever recommending that anyone should try building a foundation of safety and good mental health in your life first.
I know I have a lot of trauma, much of which was recent trauma mixed in with all my childhood trauma. I would love to deal with all that trauma in as healthy a way as possible, if only I had the right people in my life and a good therapist. I have suspected that drugs like ayahuasca can really put you through a very awful hell, like you mentioned that guy you had to comfort was going through. That’s exactly what I picture would happen to me, perhaps a thousand times scarier. I can’t even imagine what it was like in his mind.
I can’t help but be curious about these drugs – I’m mainly interested in the visuals, but I sure hope I never use them with the state my mental wellbeing is in. Thanks again Daniel for showing a lot of compassion and responsibility and making that video.
You’re welcome Pat — and thank you for sharing this. I am wishing you only the best! Daniel
P.S. For those who might read this, here is a link to my video about ayahuasca: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuJ7562OyRY
Daniel, hi. I first saw your work when my daughter was experiencing psychosis and I was researching OD. I have watched that video multiple times and forwarded it to countless people. Thank you for that. Today I saw your video on bipolar disorder. It was uploaded to the lithium withdrawal group on Facebook, which I participate in while stopping lithium, 21 years after being given a bipolar diagnosis. I found it excellent, and have forwarded it to my daughter who has also been given that diagnosis.
I am writing now because I have recently finished a draft of a book on how I recovered from so called bipolar disorder. It is based on my conversations with a psychiatrist (who also works as a psychotherapist) over the last 10 years, and is drawn from his comprehensive notes of our sessions. I was startled at how many of the issues that you raised chimed with my own experience, and would like to invite you to read my book and to provide a testimony. Is that something you would consider doing? My email is below. If that is something you would be happy to do please drop me a note.
With gratitude for what you create.
Jim
Hi Jim/Daniel:
My attention span is somehow “damaged” and my eyesight is less. After watching some videos about C-PTSD Daniel’s first video popped up: “my 6 reasons why I quit bei g a therapist”…
After watching a few of Daniel’s other videos I chose to click on his site and here I am. I only want to cry and at the other side I am also happy.
That first video of Daniel told me for the first time that there are people who cares and understands APA is BeeAs and the Pharmaceutical Industry is multi dollar Company “killing” people by keeping them in a “Zombie Pose” even Kaye Jamison in the Hopkins Hospital being BP diagnosed (Kaye no offense please).
My mom became catatonic in the rice field in Spring 1968. I am 7 years old then! When the ambulance came my mom punched my father in his face. My mom was then tie wrapped in the ambulance and I did not see her for 9 months. When she was released she was mute (year 1969).
During my childhood until my 12th years there different kind of sexual abuse.
At age 14 I become a Jehovah’s Witness (year 1975) and a year later I was in Europe.
In 1999 I am 38 and “dying”, if I do not speak out now I will be dead man. I have 3 children (14f, 12m, 8f). On Saturday 5th I spoke for the 1st about the sexual abuse. Two male elder JEHOVAH’S Witnesses and the mother of the children.
During this there is “button switch on sound” between my 2 ears and started crying and laughing simultaneously (is that possible?)
instantly I became Bipolar…other would say not my words…
Other things happened too. During this time I become a man of 105: I couldn’t stand up straight and my body was aching.
I requested for a follow up, but elders refused. Jehovah’s Witnesses are encouraged not to seek help through therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists. All is of Satan and from the world.
My view point was in 1999: God will heal me. He is the only One who know my past life.
There is was no help at all. My past had overhauled me and could not concentrate at my job anymore.
The 4 things what was ruling me were: GUILT, FEAR SHAME, AND DOUBT…
On Sunday 6th June i could joke about “x” Jehovah’s witness would frown upon.
After a clash on Sunday 12 September 1999 in the conference room with the fellow elders I burst out crying, ran out the room fetched a younger fellow chinese brother and dived in the library a nd closed the door and started singing song number 13, while crying through…It is about the jews, Egypt, river Jordan life and death.
After arriving home that day Sunday afternoon I packed some little stuff and went off. I sat in the car and a bunch of good bye notes for the 3 children and their mother. With lots of instructions, such as never look for me. I am happy where I am going. The instructions were in different envelopes which they had to open at certain time. All put in one envelope I dropped it in the mail box.
…
Preaching and crying and singing (Composed my own lyrics Satan is an oppressor who causes depression).
Some hours later I was still singing and singing at the door of an CIRCUIT OVERSEER. After singing half an hour the door went open and they invited…they did not ask why I behaved like this, but returned me home the same night.
September 15th 1999 I was forced to swallow HALDOL. Within 24 hours me being BiPolar was gone.
My manic disappeared. And my Depression was -100.
The HALDOL was crippling my mind, my thinking, et c et c….
Is this what doctors and psychiatrists have studied for? Is this what Pharmaceutical Industry is developing and making chemical pills?
The only place where I was happy, was work place. And was also now “stolen” from me as I stopped working from September 13th.
Happily there was a man which I trusted and I had appointed with him in his office room on Friday the 17th September at 15.00pm.
He was a psychologist and a social worker. His name is Theos. I was not afraid of this man. This is the only man that cannot harm me.
Theos had scheduled 1,30 hours for me: 15.00pm-17.00pm: I cried 1 1/2 hours while talking about the sexual abuse. Only with this man I could talk that my legal wedded wife was not my wife, but a kind of stepmom, an older sister who had a mother role with whom I was married.It was an incestuous relationship in a religious context where divorce was prohibited…
The next week September 24, i had my 2nd appointment with Theos. I asked Theos how his next appointment was on the 17th of September as he had a get to gather with colleagues after my appointment. Theos told me the following, I quote: ” I was so tired of listening to you, that did not go to my next appointment, but went straight home to have a rest.
Jim/Daniel…for the first I heard someone can get tired from listening. But Theos listened. Woow.
will be continued
Jai
My Ludditism will be the end of me. Thank you for your book on separating from family, and your online lectures. Besides you, the process of suffering, to some extent even with the few good therapists I’ve seen, has not really been understood or wisely advised. It’s been a final step in the grieving process–and discovering I’d just naturally been spirited enough so as to weather the entire storm, which included psychosis. I only wish I could share family photos on here, as well other images. Thank you.
I’m hoping to soon launch a Youtube channel, with my spouse, a Registered Nurse, The Professional Patient. I’ll be doing psych. coercion etc. he’ll be advising on patient rights and medical stuff, where relevant. I hope to include your material some way.
The parallels of our lives and reasons for separating with family, are profound, to me. I’m also a no-circ. activist trying to get circumcision of boys declared pathological, by the system (I’ve appealed to people like Sam Vaknin, high tenure in abuse dynamics) . I know you like childhood photos–so here’s one of mine . https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=u4phrv8G&id=99B8693C41FEA1F19459E5DB7C3B5CA3B2055827&thid=OIP.u4phrv8G0bfK7FZmAeZqXwHaLX&mediaurl=https%3a%2f%2fth.bing.com%2fth%2fid%2fRbb8a61aeff06d1b7caec566601e66a5f%3frik%3dJ1gFsqNcO3zb5Q%26riu%3dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.circumcisionquotes.com%252fimages%252fcirchidtrauma.jpg%26ehk%3dNi%252fLShW0qwFXitCqcrNfWGxQmJdYn35YGObWaSdgsPI%253d%26risl%3d%26pid%3dImgRaw&exph=767&expw=500&q=book%3a+circumcision%2c+the+trauma+within&simid=607988565446123222&ck=1D26F0DF3A8887F35435ABD415E661A4&selectedIndex=1&FORM=IRPRST&ajaxhist=0&ajaxserp=0
Daniel, is there a guide out there, book or video, that helps people like me who have lived in cities for over a decade, finally just escape and start being closer to nature, in a world that doesn’t seem to really care about nature anymore? I have no money, no survival skills; all I have to my name is a fear of not fitting in with people who HAVE been fortunate enough to grow up around nature. I’ve never had the exposure to nature I’ve always craved ever since I was a kid. I didn’t have parents who cared about nature, but only cared about money (I’m sure you can relate to this). How the heck do I get out of the city, after years of letting the city life corrupt my passion for the outdoors?
Good question… Hmm, I don’t know of such a guide book. If you find one could you share it her??
Greetings–Daniel
Hi,
Maybe it’s uncharted territory and I’ll have to end up writing one myself.
It seems that having a good chunk of money saved up is essential, to purchase land in the woods to build a cabin on. For someone like me who has no experience constructing anything, I’d need even more money to buy the cabin itself, already built.
It seems a little ironic to me that to escape society, which is centered around money, you need money.
Maybe one possibility is to try meeting other people who also want to abandon the urban life and we can all pitch in towards building something. But I dunno, I value my solitude and that’s part of the reason why I’d do it anyway – to be alone.
Another roadblock is the comfort I’m used to, of course. I need to convince myself really deep down that I really do want to live out in the woods, and probably have no internet access or very limited internet access. It’s hard for me to do that when much of my life is centered around using the internet. I don’t like to admit it, but I can barely go walk in the small bit of woods in the park for 1 hour without having my mind on going back home and being on the internet.
There are many who have volunteered at animal sanctuaries and such….many near woodland. Organic farms take people on who are willing to learn and work part-time… It’s a start..
Thank you, yes those farm stays seem to be very trendy. I’ve thought of giving that a try. I suppose a good way to get experience, but hopefully one day I could have a peaceful little home of my own. I have to be honest, I see myself more as a tree and plant lover than someone who could constantly be helping animals. Each to their own right?
Hi Daniel!
Thank you for the documentary (Open Dialogue). It’s was fun watching it.
This is where I found the video:
https://offenerdialog-ev.de/krisenbegleitung/
(The website (link) belongs to a NGO here based in Leipzig, Germany, which offers Open Dialogue for people (like me) to survive psycho.-social crisis .)
Wishing you the best. Good luck.
Daniel. Hi. I know you arent big on labels but i have one im ok with. It describes my experience that many therapists havent been able to realate to. Dissociation. Outside of self. As if im watching a two dimensional movie. Detached from feelings and cognitive abilities throttled to zero. Result of a trauma and a subsequent issue with a therapist for which she lost license. So im looking for a new therapist. What modality would be best? Somatic experiencing?? Idk. Any direction appreciated.
Hi Wa Jaur,
I never recommended therapy much based on modality. I think what’s more important (this is just my personal opinion) is the quality of the therapist. I wish I had good referrals but I don’t. But I think the quality of the therapist, the humanity of the therapist, is much more important than the modality. A bad therapist with a “great” modality is still a bad therapist! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I have been labeled with schizophrenia and I would like to know what my options are in getting weened off meds.
Who can I trust?
I would try here: http://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org
-Daniel
hello daniel
maybe you can make a video of school traumas? what i have heard from people there is a lot of traumas caused by the times in schools, and a lot of people carried unresolved traumas from there, for entire life
Many thanks
Hi Adi,
Good subject, for sure. I did mention school at least twice in videos, once here specifically related to a specific school trauma I experienced: https://youtu.be/xVjLbyMYLfE
And once here more in general, though I can’t remember if I talked about traumas here: https://youtu.be/5o-dPKDIJNk
But I am thinking of making more videos about this…
Thanks for the idea.
Wishing you the best, Daniel
Thank you very much! Will watch it
Perhaps you could write a blog post about school trauma as well? I’m more of a reader than a video watcher.
Hi Daniel,
Just to say a big THANK YOU for The great film about open dialogue in Finland, which I’ve just watched, excellent work, beautifully put together, great contribution, keep it up!
Gratefully, Gordon Barclay (exUK NHS consultant psychiatrist, now private trauma therapist)
Thanks!
Hello, I’m not sure where to start but my son needs help. He is 20 and was diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis four years ago after three very traumatic experiences within the month or so before he did acid and didn’t come out of his “trip”. When he didn’t improve from that, they diagnosed him with schizophrenia. There was some trauma as a baby at the hospital, he had a couple of experiences in elementary with his peers, and his dad was verbally abusive which translates in to mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. I’ve begged him for these four years to seek help for all of this trauma but I have also been wrong and sent him to hospitals and forced him to comply with meds. After seeing one of your videos I’m left feeling absolutely terrible for him and how I’ve handled things. He is convinced he’s just fine but he isn’t and he is in desperate need of help; the right help. Please guide me in finding him the help he needs.
Hi Melisa,
I’m very sorry to hear this. Hmm, it sounds like he and you may have very different ideas on what he thinks he needs, even now. It’s always different for me when a parent reaches out to help their child. Of course I feel for you and for him, but at the same time I’ve seen repeatedly and learned repeatedly that unless someone wants help for himself or herself, someone else’s idea of the “best” help (including my idea too) doesn’t really mean all that much. It’s always much better if someone does the reaching out himself or herself — in this case, if your son reaches out. That makes things a lot easier — and yet, still, in this modern mental health climate, it’s still very hard to find good, respectful help. However, he might be interested in such websites as http://www.madinamerica.com and https://mindfreedom.org, or perhaps even he’d like my antipsychiatry video playlist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiC-8suDDaI&list=PLRHLaIzKomTgmKD0F9TZOaDuqxzBpItuN But if he’s not interested in it, then I really don’t know what to say, because at that point things coming from a parent, or from anyone, when he’s not specifically asking for it or for help, might well just come across as another violation… I am really wishing you both the best, though!! Daniel
Thank you for your reply. That’s definitely the situation and so the cycle continues. I will share the info you shared with me with him. I’m trying to give him info in hopes that he figures it out; that said, he does not want my help at all so in turn it is a violation. It’s never ending it seems but hopefully he comes around to getting help. I will do my best to not push it or even speak of it too much.. I just miss him terribly and want him to be ok. Thank you again for your reply. Take care.
Cool — again, wishing you both the best!!
Daniel
Melissa!
I went through the same thing at age 21.
I’m 28 and I’ve healed quite significantly. Psychotherapy and trauma therapy were crucial. Send me an email at s.leal@utexas.edu. I’d love to be a resource to help
Thank you. I’ll email you.
Hello, Daniel:
I find your videos to be enlightening, your discourse very intelligent, clever, deep, authentic, unique. Listen, I want your feedback, please, if you don;t mind. I graduated from college with a master degree in counseling psychology in 2007. I never used my degree to get employment. My experiences in college with hypocrites, backstabbing professors, and also my horrific experiences with evil, psycho “therapists” I met seeking help for my clinical depression, made me hate that profession. I was told the most horrible things by those people. I was great at providing therapy during my short-term internship, but I was so traumatized with the stuff I was told by wicked counselors and psychology professors that I never ever wanted to be a counselor. What do you think, Daniel: was I right when I refused to work as a counselor? I’d appreciate your opinion. Wish you peace. Thank you !
Hi Melissa, It sounds like you probably made a good decision. I think it’s possible for someone to be a good therapist in the mental health profession, but it requires a lot of different factors to help. I think it’s probably easier in some places than others. I myself much preferred working in private practice, also, but it took a lot of years of working in some stressful and awful places to build up to that. I feel lucky I didn’t lose myself along the way. I think it’s easy for many therapists to lose themselves — often, I think, the kindest people can lose themselves the quickest. Sending you warm greetings–Daniel
Hello, Daniel:
Thank you for your kind response. I found many counselors sold their souls to the Devil, figuratively speaking, they lack compassion, empathy, treat people who desperately need help as second-class citizens. I endured a lot of emotional abuse by those “healers”, and that fact made hate the profession. It’s true I could have been different kind of therapist in private practice, but at what price? First I had to work for the system for 3 years and see all the corruption, hypocrisy, experience the burnout. I think that subconsciously I wanted to become a mental health counselor to “empower” myself, lol: I didn’t need it. I believe I made the right decision.
Many blessings to you.
I saw your “take” on Jordan Peterson and personally I think he’s a psychological fraud who ONLY wants to confirm the supposed virtuousness of his own psychological repressions. Some people can’t clean their rooms because they are so effed up with dependency needs or existential emptiness (hoarding). Ordering them around won’t help but its sooo easy to pontificte and get people to love u through mass hypnosis and never ever get any true feedback. I ACCUSE this Peterson guy of being like that. And the idea of obeying your parents without comment is medieval and horrifying. But its no wonder people eat this stuff up, they are the newest generation of ABUSIVE PARENTS. This creep should be locked up. Ever notice he can’t seem to CHILL or even smile??
https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/policing-the-police/
this is a great documentary I think you could enjoy!
Hello Daniel,
I’ve been following your material since mid-February when my father fell victim to a violent crime himself. It put him in critical condition for a week. Thankfully he has been recovering well. Now, we’ll see how he moves through the psychological trauma of the event. That said, I’m deeply sorry to hear about your recent experience. As I’ve felt increasingly validated and connected absorbing your material it made my chest clench to hear your story. I wish you the very best moving forward. Your vulnerability is inspirational.
Thank you Nicholas. I very much appreciate your message. And I wish you and your father only the best!
Daniel
I noticed while watching your latest video on the mugging how anxious you were. I have a friend who suffered from depersonalization after smoking fake marijuana. I wonder if there is anything you know about depersonalization, its intensity, similarity or connection to anxiety and depression, if it is real. Any thoughts?
Also, you posted the first video the same night I got broken up with by my girlfriend, and the things you feel (confusion, anxiety, anger, depression) are like what I have been feeling. Though our situations are very different, I feel comfort in going through this with you. Thank you for your transparency throughout this process and for facing your insecurity/fear.
Thanks for sharing Alexander. Hmm, I think there probably a connection between depersonalization and dissociation and shock. I’ll have to think about it more. I definitely felt somewhat depersonalized after my mugging — almost like I was floating outside my body. I was in shock… I think I am still partially in shock now… Greetings to you, Daniel
Hi Daniel. Im curious. We have tons of mental health people come in store. Mft phd psyd etc. They all claim they are forgoing traditional methods in practice to treat people with tarot astrology and crystals yet touting mft phd or lcsw. Somehow crystals bypass the work. Have you noticed? Isnt that disturbing??…as a psychologist
hi Warren,
ah — very strange! I don’t know very much about this…
Warm greetings-
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
My interests, channeled through the algorithm(s) of YouTube, recently revealed your videos to me.
I grew up Catholic, the religion of my parents, but now live my life on terms that make more sense to me than Catholicism does. As a result, I can sometimes see more clearly not only the bad but also some good aspects of the religion now that I am no longer bound by it, at least not bound in the way that I was as a child, teenager, and young adult.
One good aspect can be found, I think, in the Prayer of St. Francis (who to some extent broke with his parents to become a friar), particularly as sung by Sinead O’Connor (who like me has “broken away” from Catholicism). That is, the idea of being “a channel of … peace,” I think is a good one, notwithstanding the song’s imperfect way of communicating this idea (i.e., in the patriarchal language of Catholic theology).
I mention all of this because I just listened to your very peaceful song “I Wanna Find a House” wherein you sing of being a “channel of sincerity to all.”
Do you feel, as I do, sincerity in O’Connors’ rendition (link posted below)? Or do you find its insincere of her to sing the prayer of a religion that she has on some level left (which I think is a risk that she has taken)?
With the above in mind, is there a place in the house that you want to find for imperfect language/belief, if it can fuel a critical but friendly form (such as a prayer fueling a singer’s performance as its content)? Or would the house only function with a certain quality of input?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJVeXC2JmDU
Peace and sincerity, H.
Hey Daniel,
I watched your video on going to prison, the video where you drank from the cup.
At the start you said prison can be a complex place for some people, well I was one of those and after being falsely imprisoned with the intention of defamation by the ‘victim’ and police.
Do you know of a resource library I can see to filter in some of my experience in the right terms as right now it’s just a jumbled mess of thoughts and experiences.
Sincerely,
Cameron.
Hi Cameron,
Sorry to hear this. Hmm, unfortunately I don’t know of any resources like this — it’s not really my area of expertise. I just looked at a few websites and they didn’t seem quite right to me… Either very religious or very technical, or rather harsh… I wish you good fortune on your search — I wish I had more to offer. And I hope my video was of some value. Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I’m wondering if you have any thoughts on Soteria houses? I know you did that documentary in Finland, right? Was that a Soteria house? Any thoughts on the one in Vermont or others in the U.S.?
Thank you!!
Sarah
I wrote an article about this some years back:
https://www.madinamerica.com/2012/09/some-observations-of-soteria-alaska/
Also, Soteria-Vermont was forming right around them and some of the folks building that organization consulted with me on it.
all the best,
Daniel
Wow! Many thoughts I see!
You mentioned that at Soteria-San Jose there might be “disruptions”/disruptive behavior from the residents, but usually would last days or weeks, as opposed to Alaska where it would might last much longer. I wonder if you noticed any pattern there with the amount of sunlight, if the darker months seemed more difficult or the opposite or whatever.
I hope that Soteria-Vermont were able to apply some of what you’d learned in Alaska. I think I’d like to work for them or another Soteria house or somewhere like that someday. Maybe even try to start something new, who knows!
Thank you, I now have many ideas in response to your writing!
I don’t know if it was light-related. I think more likely it was because so many people were going through heavy psych drug withdrawal at Soteria-Alaska.
Yesyes, that makes sense, and your work in Scandinavia would probably give you some idea as to whether that seemed to be “a thing” or not. It’s probably just my bias as someone born and raised a little closer to the equator!
Hi Sarah,
Rethinking Psychiatry recently invited Voyce Hendrix of the original Soteria House to talk, and the recording of this excellent presentation is at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDLCAeReWEKv8zMaKwACUtQ. Our next talk with be with the Soteria Vermont folks (a Sunday in April, I believe–sign up for our occasional newsletter at RethinkingPsychiatry.org to be notified about our talks), and we plan to have Susan Musante (of the now no-longer Soteria Alaska, and where Daniel and I met) and folks from Soteria Israel talk at some point after.
What’s your interest in Soteria Houses?
Grace
Grace,
Thanks so much for your reply!
I’m about to graduate a masters in counseling program, and I am looking for work!! I think my dream has been for a few years to work at something like a Soteria house. I’m acquainted with some of the GIFRIC folks and had a fantasy of moving to Quebec City and working at the 388. I thought I should probably know French for that though, and I do not know French..hah. I stumbled upon Soteria-Vermont in my googling fantasy of living in Vermont and just searching for jobs in the field there. It looked perfect! I only found out about a month ago from my mentor that Soteria is a whole international network. I am in Chicago and will probably have to stay here for a couple of years, but I will watch the video you’ve shared, sign up for the newsletter, and attend the next talk you all are giving. Thank you again so much for sharing it all!!!
Sarah
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for your website and videos.
There’s one mystery I can’t quite figure out and that’s how to experience my true self. I have experienced it a few times over the last couple years. As for grieving, I find it near impossible to grieve. Is there any other way you can help us understand how to shed our false self and experience our true self on a more permanent basis?
Many thanks for any suggestions.
Hi Richard,
Greetings and thank you. I actually recently recorded a video on this very subject. It’ll probably take me a while to edit and feel comfortable enough to put up in public, and maybe I’ll have to re-record it, but I very much like your question!! Sending warm greetings — Daniel. P.S. in the meantime all I can suggest, potentially, is more journaling…more self-investigation…
Hi Daniel,
I have known your essays and videos for a long time and there is a question I’ve been wanting to ask you. If I understand you correctly, a key part of your philosophy is remembering childhood traumas and grieving them, and yet you hardly ever talk about how it – the remembering – is to be done. I don’t remember almost anything of my life before around the age 12. I have tried journaling but so far it hasn’t been very effective. I have brought back a few (very few!) memories, but I still don’t know all that much about my relationship with my parents, aside from the very general stuff. I could ask them, but they are dishonest and I wouldn’t count on getting to know the truth from what they tell me. I think my lack of knowledge about my childhood is preventing me from grieving properly, and yet I have no idea how to go about remembering more. Is there any advice you could give me?
PS Thank you for your videos and essays, they have been very helpful to me despite my lack of memory.
Hi Mateusz,
Hmm, I’m not sure what to say. A few thoughts: perhaps continuing to journal might help. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time, years even… Also, if stuff is blocked from memory, often, from what I’ve seen, that suggests that there are a lot of painful feelings attached to it. Sometimes forgetting keeps the pain away. So that’s another reason that it can take a lot of time — time to build up inner resources, a stronger, more stable inner world. I think I’ve talked about this in various videos over the past few months, and I recently made a couple that addressed it more, but it might take me a while to edit them!! But I’ll keep thinking about it. Warm greetings! Daniel
Hi Daniel, I want to you to hear my story. I know that you are not a therapist anymore. But as you were therapist 10 years ago and had some knowledge on the field of therapy and other areas, I want you to hear my story and tell me if my condition is treatable. (Also sorry for my bad english).
My story is when I was young one day, I was playing with my friends and at that time I suddenly slipped and fell on the floor which led one of my finger in my right arm to break. And that pain was very severe. After somedays it healed. But after that incident I started Fearing ‘physical pain’ upto now. I start feeling fear that something painful like this or something more painful than this will happen to me in future. Whenever I go outside I starts feeling anxious that some painful accident may happen to me. Whenever I remember about my that bone broken incident I suddenly gets scared and I cry a lot and even feel depressed. I sleep with fear at night. Because I always gets anxious that something physically painful may happen to me.
As iam going through this kind of situation and when I watch any brutal murdering scenes at news my condition gets even worse and I suddenly gets sad and scared I get anxious that that same thing may happen to me in future.
So what are treatments available for this? I don’t wanna take any Medication. Are there any other effective treatments options available for this?
Hi Ena,
Hmm, I’m not sure exactly what to recommend. But I would guess — and this is just speculation — that your injury might be connected to earlier things in your life, earlier painful things that happened, probably emotional. That is the way I view situations like yours. Earlier things get re-experienced through a more recent experience like the breaking of your finger. All the emotions come out and get put on the experience of the broken finger. It’s possible therapy could help — though often therapists are not very good and don’t offer much help. Self-therapy might help as well. I have some info on this on this website and also in my videos. I really do wish you the best! And I also agree that avoiding medications is probably VERY wise. Of course, many mental health professionals would be quick to give them to you, and give you alls sorts of reasons and diagnoses and other things “proving” why the meds will help. I do not think they would, and could also cause terrible side effects. Daniel
Daniel, it is just so refreshing to “know” someone who just flat out rejects the treat symptoms with meds paradigm.
Hi Daniel,
I am currently studying psychoanalysis (it is a part of the college degree in my country with clinical psychology) and I was wondering if there was a time in your life where theories stripped the “life” out of you. When studying a concept, like the Imaginary, Symbolic and Real from Lacan or some defense mechanisms like projection, I start noticing patterns in my daily life that make me very uncomfortable. I used to be extremely emphatic, but now I seem to see things from a “mathematical and rational” perspective, taking the “humanity” away from daily life. It is not a black and white thing, but a good part of it is being blocked.
Hi Daniel,
Well, I have no problem studying theories if I feel they are connected to reality and are useful to me, but so often what I’ve seen with psychoanalytic theories is that they don’t qualify as that!! Sometimes they just strike me as downright wrong. And I have found Lacan undecipherable, and I felt stripped of life after reading about five minutes of him, so I can hardly imagine being forced to take him seriously in an academic program where I’m being graded!! Wishing you the best!! Daniel
Hi Daniel, thank you for your work. I wonder if you have produced anything regarding professional oppression (or workplace bullying) in mental healthcare, be it video or article?
Also, I wonder what is your thoughts on advocacy on non-diagnostic approach. How do we go about this as professional in a biomedically-oriented workplace?
Would you please create video/article on these? Thank you for considering!
Jan,
Hmm, I can’t think that I created anything specifically on that subject, though I did make a video on dealing with jerks…which sort of encompasses the issue…
Wishing you the best, and thanks for the ideas!
Daniel
Hello, can you express your opinion about free will discussion?
I did sort of address it here: https://youtu.be/bXDycq_QBtE
all the best, Daniel.
Hola Daniel, hace tiempo te escribí porque vi el documental “Curando en casa”…leí que tenías información sobre enfoque parecido en Argentina o información al respecto…mi hijo ahora está en Argentina, en una clínica psiquiátrica y te agradecería si me pudieras mandar información de ese otro enfoque…Mi hijo ha pasado un año en Argentina intentando dejar la medicación y ha recaído, por eso ahora está en la clínica, muy medicado y yo en España desesperada…agradecería qualquier ayuda…gracias!
Hello Daniel,
Johnny Frem Dixon here.
I’m a 65-year-old writer who dropped out of college 48 years ago because, away from home and the identity I’d thought was my own, I was suddenly aware of how little I wanted to become the person my parents thought would be “nice.” At the same time I had some enlightening insights into so much of the bullshit that we think is real. These insights were so shocking. An analogy would be to compare it to realizing that there is no Santa Claus. Unfortunately the rest of the world insisted and want to keep insisting that Santa Claus was real. I spent four years thinking I was crazy. After suicide attempts, a year of hospitalization, and three more years of short-order cooking while continuing to have delusions of grandeur, paranoia, and hallucinations, I stumbled upon a retreat on an island in the Pacific Northwest. The approach there reminds me a lot of what the Finns in Western Lapland call open dialogue. I’ve been working and productive ever since. I’ve had my own cooking business, worked as a carpenter, contracted painting and drywall, and spent twenty years as a roofing contractor.
Now I’ve returned to college and am now in my third year of a B.F.A. in Creative Writing. I’m nearly finished a long memoir of those four years of finding my way back to “sanity.” I would very much like to communicate with you–by email, phone, Zoom video or whatever else might occur to you.
P.S. I’m a musician and playwright and a rooftop circus clown as well.
HI Johnny from Chris B. Good to hear your story. Humanity is insane and pretending it is sane
Hi Christine B.,
I am pleased to have any response, but it is Daniel Mackler, with whom I’m interested in talking. Any possibility of showing him my previous email.
Thanks,
Johnny Frem Dixon
Thank you and I hope you hear from Daniel—he’s the best
Hello Johnny Frem Dixon.
Can you tell me the name of the Pacific Northwest island retreat you attended. I have a 28 year-old son diagnosed bipolar 1 approximately 5 years ago. We have been searching and trying alternative methods other than medication for him, but he can’t seem to get stable enough to deal with life and participate in some type of recovery. Won’t stay on meds, which we get, and goes off cold turkey. Then of course he is right back in mania/psychosis and in the hospital. We have tried helping him taper off, but he has no patience. We found Will Halls website where I found, bought and read Daniel Mackler’s book-A Way Out of Madness. My son refuses or (maybe can’t) read anything on bipolar to help himself recover. He chooses to self medicate with marijuana, which never helps in the long run.
My husband I feel like our son needs to go to rehab or retreat that specifically deals with mental health, as we have tried to keep him safe at home but he walks away on foot When in mania and gets himself picked up by the police and eventually is in the hospital. So, if you could please tell me the name of the retreat, I would appreciate it, and I would love to research it.
Thank you,
Gabriella Paschall{
Please call me on my cell. 604-254-0355
Also check out http://www.theconnectionproject.ca
regarding an upcoming livestream event of several supposedly crazy people telling stories onstage here on Vancouver Island of their experiences.
The name of the retreat WAS Cold Mountain Institute on Cortez Island, that retreat is now called Hollyhock. However the program that helped me has moved and it is now held regularly at a place called “Haven-by-the-sea” on Gabriola Island, BC
Johnny Frem
Hello Gabriella, I am not sure you received notice of my reply to you. Yes, I would love to talk to you (and to your son, if you’d like.) The retreat I went to was called Cold Mountain Institute for Learning. It was located on Cortez Island and was not specifically dedicated to healing of mental health issues. That, in fact, had a lot to do with its success. It was simply a place where a 3-month gathering of humans go together to take workshops on a number of subjects, ranging from yoga to anger management to massage to dream therapy to self-hypnosis to psychic healing to gestalt therapy to tarot reading to re-birthing — a whole range of explorations into what was then known as the human potential movement. Cold Mountain Institute had begun operations about four years before I arrived there. It continued to operate for about another seven (?) years. Then as the founder had died and his wife no longer wanted to continue (that’s an over-simplified explanation) she sold the property and it continues as a retreat, but with not nearly the same types of workshops. It is known as Hollyhock Farm now. The people who operated the 3-month residency program in which I was involved in moved their program to Gabriola Island. That retreat is called Haven-by-the-Sea. My daughter recently received her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology. For a graduation present I bought her the one-week introductory course there called “Come Alive.” I suggest your son would benefit tremendously from that too.
I believe that many different principles working together are the reasons Cold Mountain worked so well for me (and my brother as well, who was having his own problems of a different nature at that time in 1976.) Cold Mountain was, and always had been, drug-and-alcohol-free. Haven-by-the-Sea is that way as well. Both are on Gulf Islands far from any large city. People go there to look at themselves. They are there to explore new ways of seeing their lives. They are curious, loving, nurturing, and caring. That spirit is encouraged. We were encouraged not to be judgmental and to accept people honesty and openness as an effort to be helped by each other, rather than as a way to cure or label or look down on each other from any place of superiority.
We just wanted to grow and help each other grow. I had some pretty wild ideas about what was going on in my life. I was paranoid and thought the TV was talking to me. Or perhaps aliens had taken over the world. Or that my thoughts were broadcast by radio-waves into my brain through the fillings in my teeth. Most of my theories were pretty far-fetched. They were just the frantic effects of a kid lost and trying to find some way of explaining the sudden changes in identity I’d experienced on leaving the safe world of my home town to go off to first-year college. I hadn’t spoken to many people. At least not people who weren’t just judging me and analyzing me and trying to cure me or put me on medications that kept me tranquilized. I had eventually managed to cope and fake normal. I held steady jobs as a short-order cook and even as a sous-chef in a hotel. Meanwhile my interior thoughts were always all over the map.
Cold Mountain allowed me a place to open up. And you know what. Craziness actually has some merits. Some of my thoughts were not that unusual. No, nobody can really read my mind — not my word-by-word, thought-by-thought, image-by-image private thoughts, but sometimes people do inexplicably “know” in a general sense what’s on my mind. And perhaps we are all connected to a collective unconscious. I learned at Cold Mountain that perhaps some aspects of my wild theorizing were perhaps a little bit possible, though probably not verifiable.
My point is this: I’d never felt able to talk about it without being judged. I had seldom been listened to as simply another human being with a valid opinion. About a month and a half into the 3-month residency program, we had an event called Fantasy Day. Each of the 26 residents had an opportunity to act out a fantasy. We helped each other to realize those fantasies. One woman, who was working on a degree toward becoming a counselor, had a fantasy of handing out psychiatric advice, much like Lucy in the “Peanuts” comic strip. She set up a booth along one of the wood-side trails: “Psychiatric Help, 5 cents!”
My fantasy was to be a guru. I set up a throne of pillows in the dining room and put up posters around the retreat: “Guru Om Dixon gives a speech in the main lodge, The Seven Myths of Life.” To a crowd of twenty or more listeners I gave a long lecture explaining many of my wild theories. By that point in the program I had already had discussions well into the late hours of many evenings after our day-long workshops. I had sifted through all of these ideas and come up with seven nuggets of truth. After my speech I got feed back from one of the workshop leaders, someone who I looked up to almost like a guru. “You know,” he said, “I have to agree with almost everything you said. Six of your seven myths, are probably myths, that people like to hold onto. The only one I’d disagree with is your seventh myth, the myth of free will. I don’t think it’s myth. You do have free will.
Well I’ve had to accept that I do have agency in my life. I’ve had forty years of great health since then.
Before I left Cold Mountain a month and a half later, Bennett Wong, one of the co-leaders of our program, sat peacefully in the center of the Raven, one our group workshop spaces before all of us, with an individual goodbye for each of us. Ben was near tears as he explained that he was so happy to have been able to witness my recovery and return to a state of critical thinking. He said he had seen many other troubled youth find their way back, but it would not be simple to hold onto my health. He worried that I might relapse. So many others had. Then Ben cried. “Please, take care of yourself, John. Get 8 hours sleep every night. Eat a healthy diet. Get plenty of exercise. Keep mentally active. Exercise your spirit too. I love you.”
I’ve never missed a night’s sleep since then. I seldom drink and when I do it’s only one drink as a social convention, a toast perhaps as a celebration. I don’t smoke. I did smoke pot for quite a while, but I honestly don’t think it is much good at all for much of anything and I don’t smoke it at all anymore. I’m much more creative and ambitious without it.
I don’t take any medication and haven’t taken any since Cold Mountain. I could never say what is good for someone else. Perhaps mood and anxiety disorders can be helped. But not delusions. Delusions are self-delusions. They often stem from stress, lack of sleep and unhealthy living habits. They are faulty reasoning, leaps of logic. It seems obvious to me that a drug cannot make me think differently. But I have free will. I can will myself to think critically.
Okay, Gabriella, I hope some of what I’ve written here can be of some help to your son. He can email me. Or you can. My email is: johnny4em@gmail
Hello Gabriella,
Did you receive either of my two replies above?
Johnny Frem
Hi Johnny Frem,
I’m hoping you heard from Daniel directly already, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your powerful story, and being so encouraging of others. You’ve put out a lot. I know I’m not Daniel, but wanted to join in with Christine to give some back.
Peace and gratitude,
Grace
Hey Daniel,
My name is Daniel as well and I stumbled upon your video relating to sociopath on YouTube. The way I ended up here is from a long toad of counseling and after my ex and I had a mast split where I ended up going to court. I don’t feel that comfortable sharing here because I’m not proud of my past and it bugs me for what I did and capable of. Anyway. My ex called me a narcissist and my counselor told me that o have sociopathic tendencies. Ive been in counseling for about two years and also attending church and AA. I don’t feel like I’m getting to the root of my problem. More of just a mask to wear. I do struggle with discipline but I am learning and watching my mouth and thoughts and no I don’t get the thoughts of hurting people like people believe. I’m stuck living with my parents at almost 30 and have a daughter. I only read things about staying away from sociopaths and nothing towards helping sociopaths heal. Any input or direction that you can help me with? I don’t want to wear the mask of religion and not get to the root of all my issues.
First step in addressing issues is acknowledging them 🙂 others can help you see and outsider perspective but in the end you gotta look within and deal with the things only you can.
While it is important in taking responsibility in anyone you hurt the best thing is to improve your actions for today.
Maybe the best thing is not to over think the sociopath issue rather look at the things that make you act how you do trauma, patterns of behaviour etc
Hi Daniel – I really enjoy your content and your perspectives. I was wondering if you could answer a general question here, or via video. This could apply to many people. I am considering being a therapist and I have even been accepted into graduate schools. It is hard to make a decision as I am concerned about the “vicarious traumatization” that may occur, as you have described. If I already have these concerns, is it worth it to pursue this route?
i don’t have an answer but i am having the same thoughts, having just started a counselling skills course. at my age, do i really want to get into this line of helping? And yet I’ve not be extending myself for some years so this maybe where the growth is for me.
Come on Rich, Mark.
I believe that you can both be helpful as counsellors to others, simply by being curious to hear what others have to say about their lives and by being fellow humans on life’s journey. If you have similar experiences to tell your fellow humans, then they might not feel so all alone, and thereby be inspired to open up, sort things out, and enjoy this journey.
Sincerely,
Johnny Frem Dixon
If that’s how you feel guys, why not focus on a trauma centered route to counseling. Focus on EMDR, EFT, TAT. There’s a lot of work being doing on trauma and regression techniques not just for what we view as PTsD but also childhood trauma!
Hello Daniel,
I want to say a big thank you for sharing your healing process with the world. I struggle with depression as a result of psychological abuse, and three things have helped me in my process of self-therapy: psychotherapy, journaling, and your videos. (Psychiatric drugs only made me worse! Ha.) Without your content, I honestly wouldn’t have made it this far.
I aspire to become a psychotherapist, but am concerned that I might not be able to sufficiently heal my traumas before helping others. Do you have any advice for wounded healers? Thank you once again, and may you have a great day.
Hello Daniel,
I want to say a big thank you for sharing your healing process with the world. I struggle with depression as a result of psychological abuse, and three things have helped me in my process of self-therapy: psychotherapy, journalling, and your videos. (Psychiatric drugs only made me worse! Ha.) Without your content, I honestly wouldn’t have made it this far.
I aspire to become a psychotherapist, but am concerned that I might not be able to sufficiently heal my traumas before helping others. Do you have any advice for wounded healers? Thank you once again, and may you have a great day.
Hey Daniel,
I really appreciate all the time and energy you put into your videos. I find them very useful! I’m planning to become a therapist and I found your videos on the mental health field quite enlightening. I’ve been really feeling a hesitance to journal for quite some time, but I have finally committed to it due to your discussions about it.
One thing that I keep stumbling upon over and over again is the concept of “playful” insults. It’s something that’s been weighing on my mind for quite some time. I partially understand the appeal of it, but ultimately I don’t really get it. These “playful” insults often (at least at some point) hurt other people. And I would guess that oftentimes it’s unknown when it does. What’re your thoughts on the matter? I keep questioning myself because of the number of people that think this “playful” banter is both fun and fine.
Thanks again for being so open on your channel. I wish you well during this time of quarantine.
Hi Eli,
Thanks for your message., Playful insults, I’ll have to think about that. Maybe I can make a video about it in the future too. I actually have a video about humor that I already filmed and edited, and I’m planning to release it in a couple of months. Perhaps it actually already addresses the subject you’re talking about, at least to a degree! Meanwhile, warm greetings, Daniel
I saw this in the Marine Corps, and then my first boss in the civilian sector did this blatantly. I thought it was funny and amusing at first. The more I matured, the more I found it to be passive aggressive.
Dear Daniel, can you please talk on your youtube channel about the topic of ambivalence?
-How important (if at all) is ambivalence?
-Is it possible to develop this trait later in life?
-any other thoughts you have on the topic
Hi Jessie, that sounds like a good topic! I’ll keep it in mind when I make my next round of videos. Warm greetings, Daniel
Hi Daniel-
I came across your YouTube channel and was immediately drawn to your videos. All I can say is WOW! Watching them has been extremely eye-opening for me and quite relieving to hear honestly. The first video I came across was: 8 reasons I quit being a therapist. (I originally was looking at MFT program reviews). I can 100% see why you made the decision to stop. I have always worked in the helping profession and it for sure can be draining. This led me to your channel and right away I was hooked. Something that really caught my eye was your video: Breaking from your parents. I also am about to order the book!
I am a 27 year old female and have suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I feel the root of this is from childhood psychological trauma and being raised in a very controlling, religious household. Aka colt. Not only were my four siblings and I forced to follow a strict Mormon lifestyle, but my mother can be a very manipulative, controlling, and I believe mentally unstable parent. My father just sits quiet by her side. I am not sure if you are familiar with the Mormon religion but there is quite a bit of pressure from your family, the church, and Mormon community that my parents raised me around to live up to their standards in order to be accepted, trusted, apart of the family, etc. If not, you are pretty much forgotten, shamed, and shunned. My dear younger sister recently came out to my parents and she did not get the reaction she was hoping for. Well..we kind of knew where my mom stood on this but of course my sister was just looking for acceptance as most children do. Side note- The Mormon church is not supportive of LGBTQ and my sister has had the most horrifying experience dealing with this at a BYU college. After my sister came out to my mother, my mother wrote a letter to her stating “How could you do this to our family! This will be so embarrassing to tell your Grandma, other relatives, etc.” After hearing this I immediately was sick to my stomach and felt an incredible amount of anger towards my mother. Like really?! How could you turn people away like that (your own daughter!) and be so prejudice, judgmental, and just hurtful towards someone. And she claims to be a true follower of Christ. My siblings and I have wasted enough energy trying to get her to accept my sister but she continues to be close-minded and tell her how it’s Satan trying to control her. It is exhausting looking for my mom’s acceptance and I’m finally realizing that my siblings and I will never be good enough for her unless we live the Mormon way. Conditional love, not unconditional. My sister has been in counseling for some time now and is still suffering. I feel really sad for people in the world who don’t realize what they are doing to others, even after you try to explain it to them. I understand that my mother may have had an abusive childhood herself but that does not give any one parent the right to take it out on your children, especially after 16 years. How is it not obvious to people by now that life is about love, service, friendship, acceptance, individuality, respecting one another, and so much more! People would actually be able to grow and live life to the fullest, love and be loved, live in a community free of fear and just be who you really are.
It started about middle school for me when my relationship with my mother really went down hill, when I started to become my own person and make my own decisions. I have also always been a very free spirited, independent, curious, driven individual and this was the opposite of the molds my mother was trying to make of her children. I have gone in waves of trying to forgive my mother and look for acceptance for over 10 years now but then I question myself why? Every time I visit her and talk with her over the phone to this day, it’s nothing but tears, extreme anxiety (even panic attacks), hurt, and resentment. She will constantly bring up that Anxiety / Depression runs in my dad and her family and I need to see a doctor and get on medication (She is a full-time nurse by the way). She also will say things like, “you’re having a hard time because you strayed away from the church.” My mother has never approved of my not Mormon lifestyle, therefore I am living my life in sin. My mother pretty much shunning me since middle school for not wanting to be apart of her colt has led me to put up a huge brick wall between me and her.
So yes this is where I stand with my mother right now. I’m exhausted looking for acceptance in her. I am not sure if I can forgive her. Obviously there was a lot more psychological trauma than what I am writing you..but I have never related to something so much until I came across: Breaking away from your parents.
I am so relieved to have found your YouTube channel. Thank you for helping me heal.
Dear Jacie,
Thank you for sharing this! Painful to read, but important for people to see. I actually have had quite a lot of experiences with Mormons in my life, for starters growing up in western New York state somewhat near Palmyra. But also in my travels I did a few film screenings of a couple of my films and I spent a good amount of time with quite a few Mormon folks, some of whom actually were “Jack Mormons,” I guess they are called. I myself am not religious, but certainly when I hear about some of the exclusionary practices of Mormons and other religious folks I am deeply troubled. I am wishing you all the best! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Your videos have helped me so much, I can’t begin to describe. I’ve been sober for 3 years and have learned so much in that time. I came from an alcoholic and codependent family. I am the only one that looks honestly at this truth. I have 3 younger brothers and they are all in denial. They actually identify as white-nationalists.
My question to you is, will you ever have a relationship with your parents? I realize you may not get what you want out of them, total honesty and understanding. But can’t they have some sympathy for you or at least some regret for how they treated you?
I am very conflicted in how to deal with my parents. My father was a vile racist and so arrogant, never expressed love. But deep down extremely insecure – he’s an uneducated railroad worker from Beaumont, Texas. He’ll never apologize and see how much pain he’s caused or take any responsibility. But his frailty and weakness is so obvious – he plays the ‘nice guy’ like he’s perfectly innocent. But he has taken a more gentle tone as he gets older and i have some sympathy for him because he’s so pathetic. He’s also very supportive of me in a distant kind of way. I went to court to legally change my name. A part of me is disgusted by him and feels liberated by cutting him out of my life like a cancerous tumor. On the other hand, I see that he is basically at an adolescent stage of development and he looks up to me. I am very educated and worldly. My parents weren’t monsters, they were just deeply troubled authoritarians in a toxic relationship. It would hurt my father for me to cut him out completely – I don’t know if i can do that. Is there a mathematical equation that can help me figure this out?
Hi Daniel, do you think it is still possible to heal from schizophrenia, when the initial episode coincided with (i.e. appears to be catalyzed by) drug abuse? Thank you for your message of hope, and take care.
Yes, Val, it is possible, for sure. I have known people in the situation you describe who have healed. Daniel
Hi Val! Someone with personal experience in this – yes it’s very much possible. Unfortunately there’s not much on the mainstream trauma literature in terms of a solid connection, however there are many many many cases of people with the same story as yours, from dissociation to bipolar disorder and a schziophrenia being the more severe crises. The few trauma specialists who have seen the connections say the same thing I’ve always thought – these drugs serve as a ego barrier dropper and/ or activate very early traumas and serve as a catalyst from triggering these old wounds and awakening these traumas very quickly. It’s very painful. There’s a book called rethinking madness that talks a bit about these ideas, same with the two trigger delayed ptsd mechanism that dr Clancy McKenzie that’s about in his model. When you say schizophrenia what is the symptomatology you talk about specifically in your case if you don’t mind me asking?
Thank you Daniel and Sergio for your encouraging responses. Sergio, I am not sure I understand the question, but mostly I had delusional thinking about my family, believing I could heal my family members, and also beliefs about synchronicities that I experienced which still scare me. I was prescribed amphetamine salts beginning in November, and towards the end of January I began to experience a “spiritual awakening” that culminated in a car crash in early March. Now I am on the Invega shot (Paliperidone) and I am experiencing a lot of difficult with focus and concentration, and spiraling thoughts. I have difficulty reading and worry I cannot learn much. I don’t know what is the drug and what is me. Thank you again for your interest and for sharing your research and knowledge.
thank you for sharing. I don’t know much about spiritual awakenings, however I do know of people who know about this stuff. Send me an email to s.leal@utexas.edu and I can help a bit more. Until then take care!!
i would not be surprised if your problems were caused by drugs given to you. you can get more info and help here https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/
Hi Daniel, I just wanted to thank you for your posts over the years! …. they have been eye opening, both brave and bold, but also l comforting as I could relate to your story with my own painful journey of looking at the devastation of my past and leaving my parents behind. X
Hey Daniel,
I’ve been watching your videos for a couple of years now and have been incredibly inspired by your work. I’m currently enrolled in a counseling program at the Institute for Clinical Social Work in Chicago. I’m interning at a CMHC called the Kedzie Center which is a clinic funded through property taxes and is able to provide mental health services for free for folks in the neighborhood. At the clinic, one of our psychiatrists is Dr. Charles Turk. He works closely with GIFRIC and the 388, a psychoanalytic treatment center for psychotic youth in Quebec City. I have some experience in making videos and proposed to Dr. Turk that we make a documentary about the practices at the 388, citing your work for reference. He was familiar with your work and said that you had even met once. So, I want to ask… What are your thoughts on the 388, if you are aware of it? And, would you ever consider making a documentary about it?
Thanks so much, hope all is well,
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Greetings! I actually wanted to film Le 388 ten years ago but they said it was a bad time for them — I think financial and maybe political problems. I was in touch with Danielle Bergeron and I believe Willy appalon. From all I gather their work is excellent. Meanwhile, please pass on a hello to Charles Turk from me- I admire him! Yes, I remember well when we met! Meanwhile, I’m not sure about making any more films for me. Maybe someday! My life is off on its own odd trajectory. All the best to you! Daniel
Hi Daniel
I’ve been wondering what your thoughts are on childhood trauma as a factor in addiction. I’m especially interested in alcoholism though I guess the pattern might be quite universal as far as most addictions go. How about a video on that? 🙂 I’d be greatly interested and appreciative.
Have a look into some of Dr Gabor Mate’s work on addiction. 🙂
I was gonna say the same thing!
I think a good one is the interview on YouTube with russell brand on his podcast
I also viewed some of the interview on Brand’s podcast. Mate’s penetrating insights are so refreshing, if brutal at times
Russall Brand is a ‘Stepper’ who promotes the insidious and disempowering ‘disease’ dogma of addiction. This has led millions to a form of learn helplessness (‘powerlessness’ in 12 cult speak) and a reliance on outside ‘miracle’ mubbo jumbo (‘Higher Power’).
For scientific, evidence based alternatives look to;
The Freedom Model
or
SMART Recovery (REBT based).
Addiction is a form of compulsion not a disease. It is learnt behaviour (see Marc Lewis).
Compulsions are symptoms of underlying issues that need to be addresses – often (childhood) Trauma (CPTSD). Gabor Mate is excellent on the link between trauma and compulsive behaviour (addiction).
Agreed! Most of Mate’s insights are stellar
If you want an amazing example of Gabor and his adult son Daniel trying to work through family dynamics, watch:
Dr. Gabor Maté & Daniel Maté: “Hello Again: A Fresh Start for Parents and Their Adult Children” on youtube.
I am not suggesting this in opposition to Daniel Mackler’s work, but to show that if family members do the work individually then collaboratively in the family (often with help and I don’t advocate any one modality but foundational respect and trust) there is the possibility of meeting each other where they are at which in turn holds the potential for functional and well relationships. It is not easy and takes dedication and effort but with willing, grounded and loving family members the possibility exists.
That being said, in many families such fruitful, mutually validating relationships simply cannot take place because of one or many incapable members. And really that means that grieving is necessary, but that doesn’t mean that one cannot find healthful validation among others (and we should nonetheless).
The video is an eye opener and cuts tot he heart of family dysfunction and toxic patterns, even among members who claim to be ‘enlightened’. It is simply amazing to see in real time how, whatever our degree of awareness and presence, that wellness truly demands our vigilance and utmost dedication.
Yes Mark! I viewed “Hello Again” and then later “again” So refreshing to observe the prestigious “enlightened” author-lecturer, Gabor Mate, being put in his place by his insightful, “vigilant” son . . . and taking it!
The institute of Peak states works on addiction through trauma and uses trauma techniques – what people call power therapies (Emdr, etc) to help people heal from the underlying causes for the need of symptomology. I urge you to look at the it’d if you want deeper insight
UNHEALED “Early Childhood Trauma” (neurosis) is the main cause of most socalled “disorders” / “diseases”.
“Neurose ist heilbar” (neurosis is healable) wrote Prof. H. J. Eysenck.
The problem is, that most people affected by neurosis don’t know / realize it.
(Collective) Neurosis is the “Disease of Society” and will cause doom of civilized society in case of (further) inactivity for basical healing.
Agreed Wolfgang—however, as I observe, reflect, and have written about “mental illness”, sadly, I have come to the conclusion that it is not so much that individuals “don’t know” but it is actually that they don’t WANT to know.
T.S. Eliot’s insight comes to mind: “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.”
Daniel,
Will you not respond to my previous post?
I thought you were not afraid to butt heads with the system. Will you too, let it of the hook so easily? If so, then maybe you are not so progressive as you’d like to think yourself to be. Capitalist system that no one dares to question produces anxiety and depression on a mass scale and it leaves people deeply traumatized, it’s inherently exploitative and demeaning, it’s dehumanizing and alienating. Everything is commodified, and has no value other than the market value, is this the world you want to live in, how does that fit into your mental health ideas for the future? What’s good for capitalism isn’t synonymous with what’s ethical or right.
Can we really be healthy living in this sick system?
Has capitalism nothing to do with poor mental health worldwide?
I ask you kindly,
It is up to you to show if you truly have heart and integrity.
SPEAK UP – make a vid
Denis H.
Croatia
P.S.
I found a video of you being a guest at Kresimir Misak’s – “At the Edge of Science”, you said a lot of good things there. My mom likes you too.
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
-J.krisnamurti
Beautiful!
His was a fascinating life. Chosen and groomed to be the spiritual leader, he revealed (both consciously and unconsciously) how spurious the notion of guru and contemporary, classists, bourgeois materialism are.
Noam Chomsky, Arundhati Roy, Chris Hedges, Naomi Klein, Gabor Mate, there are those integrated teachers who are truly working for equity (poverty and competition are the sources of toxic patterns) and wellness.
Agreed . . . and I love Mate. He is in touch with the “new era in human existence” t
Hi there Daniel,
Is psychotherapy nonsense ?
What evidence is it that it even heals trauma ?
What evidence does it increase self awareness?
I’ve read something about its positive effects on depression (a paper by schelling). I’m jobless at the moment, without many friends or a girlfriend. Kind of confused with life, hoping psychotherapy will be the answer.
I’ve started psychotherapy with a counselling psychologist and I like her to be honest. However I feel she charges a bit much, and I’ve got some slight romantic attraction to her already (second session in).
Hi Megasuperman —
well, I think if the therapist is really good and the client feels a good connection with the therapist then there can be real healing value in it. if not…then…probably the therapy won’t be so helpful…maybe even harmful. that’s been my experience at least!!
wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel! I love your content and would love to have a conversation with you. My channel on YouTube is out there for those struggling with invisible chronic illnesses, one of them being fibromyalgia now, although there isn’t cause set in stone, many doctors believe that childhood trauma brings it on and honestly, it makes a lot of sense to me, as so many have had childhood trauma in one way or another, so with that being said I would be honored to connect with you. I believe it could help SO many. I would be absolutely thrilled if we could set something up, thanks for your time. -Ev
Hi Evie and Daniel , it is well known that childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.
Just watch the TED Talķ of nadine-burk- harris and you will be convinced .
Hi Megasuperman,
Wish you all the best in your journey of healing.
Developing feelings towards ones therapist is common it even has a term “erotic transference”
Perhaps you should tell your therapist about this, supposedly therapists know how to address it in a healthy manner.
Hi All,
Since I have been thinking about what my my own “transference” was REALLY about while in analysis some years back, I will say this: it has become crystal clear that the deep feelings of deep love are rooted in the intoxicating feeling of being seen and aren’t really about loving the “other” at all.
-Chris
detailed PROOF in few mins – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvZFEjUkaJM
i heared about your health problems. look into carnivore diet. functioning on optimal parameters gives you a ton of resources and leeway to work with.
Dear Daniel Mackler,
Thanks for your videos, please could you still make available this your video link on youtube that says call 911 or 112 in case you want to lose your freedom? That is the best video ever. I had a whole full laughter of the truth with some other people from it. I want to save that video permanently as it is very revolutionary.
Hannah
Hi Hannah–
here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEdNMILac2c&feature=youtu.be
I guess it’s buried somewhere in my Youtube channel!
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I’m from Upstate NY and a huge fan of your Youtube videos and your insights into the current state of therapy. I’ve been admitted to psychiatric hospitals on and off since the early two-thousands with symptoms related to bi-polar disorder but never diagnosed. Yesterday I attempted to admit an elderly Bosnian neighbor in trouble to some local hospitals but was promptly turned away and treated with much hostility. At this point I’ve decided I need to do something to pursue some sort of mental health reform in my city/region but am concerned as to what if any impact a person with a high school education could have. My first thought is to tap some of my local documentary/filmmaker friends to work on a project, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts. Any tips or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for everything, take care.
Hi Daniel,
I wish to thank you for your insightful videos, I think talking to a people like you would be much more helpful than drugging everybody with dangerous mind altering poisons. I have a thing that has been bothering me for quite a while now, and I absolutely have to share it with you, because I think you might help shedding some light on this. This is extremely important and very rarely discussed in any sort of mental health themed conversation, and that is: painting the mental problems entirely as an individual’s self induced problem. What psychiatry does is it takes the individual out of the context of society and then it observes the individual with a looking glass, completely ignoring societal and cultural influences on a person’s well-being. What I’m getting at is that psychiatry will try to protect (by design) any socioeconomic and political system that happens to be in power. For example, the global system in which we live in now is mostly neoliberal capitalism which is nested in this fake democracy which in reality is a plutocracy. If you come to a psychiatrist, or even to a psychologist and say that the world in which 60 people own half of the world’s wealth depresses you, if you tell them that selling your labor to another man for profit feels dehumanizing to you, if you tell them that it makes you lose all hope in humanity to see this commodification of human beings and consistent trashing of things that make us human (empathy, compassion, kindness) and celebration of our lowest impulses as if they were virtues (materialism, narcissism ), if you tell them all that – they will tell you that the problem is You. YOU have to adapt, YOU are too negative, YOU need to change your view, it is always YOU who is the single cause of your own misery. Should we perhaps change the socioeconomic system that causes depression and anxiety on a global scale and create a system which wouldn’t make people so neurotic and traumatized?? Oh, No. No,no,no – We can’t do that – we cant politicize mental health. The System is always right. The maladapted individulal is the problem. Drapetomania, anyone?
Please, Daniel, make a video on this. Please.
Being “Mad” (insert any DSM disorder) simply means that you are not getting along with what’s been prescribed to you by the rulers of this sad little planet. Let me be blunt, if an Indonesian woman who works in a Nike or Adidas factory in Jakarta gets paid a couple of dollars per day, if that woman comes to a psychiatrist and says she’s depressed because she’s being brutally exploited, no psychiatrist will tell her that it is normal for her to feel this way in her kind of circumstance, and that the unjust system need to be changed as an only way to truly relieve her of depression. What the shrink will tell her instead is: “Here take this, it will help.” if they say anything at all, you bet your a* they won’t dare to touch the oppressive system.
Individualization of mental problems removes any sort of political responsibility for the mental state of global population, population ruled by a small percentage of the super-rich, who make all the relevant calls, who decide everything (everything that counts, anyway).
Your comment makes sense, but ultimately in any political system that has ever existed on this earth people have struggled with mental difficulties in some way or another. I don’t think it will ever be possible to create a society that gives every last person mental peace and therefore to some degree it is up to the individual to take some responsibility in coping with their circumstances. The issue is that none of us exist in a vacuum. There will always be other humans whose prime motivations are creating new shit to sell, gaining power, competing, deceiving, etc…. and I don’t see how we can ever change that. Every large society ever created leads to the same authoritarian nonsense. As a result it seems like an important aspect of psychiatry should be about helping those who are more emotionally in-tune exist in a world where a large portion of the population are not. I personally wish I could run around hunting and gathering in a world devoid of people, but I know that will never be an option for me. I’d definitely be much happier in such a world — nobody telling me what to do or how to act, but my ideal world will never come to fruition and so the best I can do is learn how to cope with being around 7 billion other people who all have their own desires and agendas. I totally agree with you that most mental problems are a result of modern society, but the societies we were intended to live in (hunter gatherer societies) are a thing of the past. Any existence we can etch out on our crowded planet will be so far removed from how humans are intended to live that it’s just laughable at this point.
In my opinion why Daniel is so helpful in this regard is that he really pushes everyone to break free of that competitive and lying mindset that is bestowed upon all of us. It has allowed me to be much happier and get satisfaction out of life, even while in less than ideal situations. All I can realistically do as one person is be nice to those around me and be truthful and open. In my opinion, one of the biggest problems in the modern world is the proliferation of the “ego”. Everything now is about how am “I” supposed to become important in this world, how am “I” going to get this or that — I feel as though this mindset is extremely toxic and yet this is the new norm that pretty much all humans have accepted. Even science has shown us that this mindset is ridiculous — nothing any of us do has any meaning or value whatsoever in the grand scheme of things, yet we are all so attached to our own self-importance.
Another thing — with 10 billion people packed onto this planet, is it even possible to not feel like a cog in a machine? Any person with even a moderate amount of intelligence would develop mental trauma from this alone, yet there is nothing any of us can do about it.
Watch this video on youtube (not mine):
1. Capitalist Realism, Mental Illness and Societies of Control
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPeBEcsmWTY
Absolving the inherently corrupt system and those who perpetuate it of any responsibility for our mental health is dishonest. Every facet of our lives is influenced negatively by this dehumanizing system. When you privatize mental health, you sweep all the problems under the rug, and prescribe a pill. You don’t have to change the corrupt socioeconomic system that directly causes mental ills, instead a healthy individual has to adapt to the system that makes him sick.
Anyone who turns a blind eye to this is a charlatan, not a psychotherapist.
Amen brother, you hit the nail on the head with this one! Would be great to hear Daniel’s thoughts…
Dear Daniel,
thank you very much for your work. I am very interested in the three films concerning (anti)psychiatry in German. I would like to buy them because I will show parts of them in informal meetings about this subject.
I am member of the Parlament of hessian state parliament. So I can use this for our efforts for a human psychiatry. Could you please tell me, where I can get your films? Thanks a lot.
Hi Christiane,
Greetings! Did you receive my reply I sent you? I didn’t hear back from you so I am replying here.
all the best,
Daniel
Dear Daniel Mackler,
first of all i want to apologize for my bad english because i am not a native english speaker, but i`ll try my best. I have been following your videos for a long time and in the beginning i could`t tell much about it, but after like 8 years of psychotherapy and griefing my lost childhood i would like 90 to 95 agree with you. You are very smart person and its a shame that so few people watch your videos because i think many peaple could learn so much from you. I have been labeled with all kinds of mental illnisses from personality disorder over sozial fear disturbtion to shizophrenia and made alsmost all the experiences you decribe in your videos. And its so commen, most people arround me have like no empathy for the child i was because they are in denial themselfs and haven`t gone through that process of griefing and instead they call me crazy and label me as mental ill, its horrbile. And if you are forced for some reason to go to the hospital usually the nurses try to make you “normal” and functioning again even though the things you say are so much more healthy then average. Its such a shame that empathy and compassion have so little room in western society. Its as Erik Fromm said in a sick society the ill person is the healthy one and the normal person, that has no symptons, is the sick one.
But i also wanted to tell you there is like one guy that was talking similar stuff like you called Peter Gerlach, he has an hompage http://www.sfhelp.org/ maybe you haven`t heard about him, but he told very interesing stuff, until he died.
so my best wishes from Germany please keep on going.
Hello German Friend,
It was good to read of your honest experience on Daniel’s page. I live in the east of England and also found Peter Gerlach on the internet several years ago. I watched his videos and downloaded pages from SF Help. Just like Daniel, Peter had his life experience to draw from, his good heart and his intelligence. Peter lived to a good age and attained wisdom. Wisdom he was called to share with us. Daniel sings from the same place and speaks about what many people like us never hear during our growing up time, in our education and working environments; global society brutalises every being and the Earth itself! Children, women, dark skinned people, nonconforming people, wild, pet and farm animals… we are expected to fit into a narrative that some materialist long ago, and far away decided on. Because it was profitable to him then and there. It’s not the 1880s. Where has it got us? More pollution, more noise, confusion, misunderstandings, black or white, an all or nothing approach to Life and this World. I have Hope too, I need to keep Hope alive in me. I am sickened every day to see how competitive, self-centered, petty and vindictive people are towards their own families, “friends”, work colleagues, co-religionists and political allies. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”? Truly there’s a lot of self hatred in this world. I say these things now, but when I go to the shops in this city, I ignore the able bodied (but probably alcoholic) beggars who sit close by the doors. I used to listen to their stories and give a little money sometimes, but now I’m sick of being manipulated out of my hard earned money by guys who stay down for years, being given and losing housing, who’ve become addicts because of this stupid, competitive material culture which engineers-in inequality, just to ramp up the tension. The message: work hard at school and in your jobs citizens, pay your taxes, borrow to keep up with your fooled neighbours. You don’t want to end up like the addict beggar who has little recourse but to get by, by asking the public to keep him or her exactly where he or she is: down and out. It is an offence to my soul to have to see and pass these poor beings on my way into and out of shops etc. But I do pass them by 95% of the time now. As a foreigner, and a woman, alone in this city, I need to be selfish to survive. Of course I’m not happy! I vote, I work, I pay my rent and expenses, I hardly drink, don’t smoke, don’t sleep around, don’t like loud places, don’t and can’t follow the crowd. Like Daniel I tried some of the “normal” (programmed) behaviours when I was younger so as to “fit it”. Even before I tried being a good, outgoing girl, I knew some of the hobbies and behaviours did not, could not, would not ever be for me. ( namely: Collecting pretty papers, talking about boys or bands I actually hated, just doing as the other girls did.) These pursuits gave me no joy, but the social pressure are immense. It was my birthday today, 40 something. I have a couple of friends, many useless acquaintances and family in another country. I do go on!!! Carl Jung, Peter Gerlach, Daniel Mackler… thank God for wise and courageous people like them to shine some light into our shadow places and who let us know that we can use this light for ourselves 🙂
I agree! I also am aware of ONE ‘psychiatrist’ who is Dr. Peter Breggin who speaks truth & writes & speaks about NOT taking psychotropic drugs & SSRI’s & helps people to learn how to get off of them the right way!
I agree with you, Donna. I found Peter Breggin’s wise words to be absolutely fantastic. At the risk of sounding reductive, I would suggest his uplifting and rather unique approach is characterized by loving validation, non-judgmental empathy and gentle encouragement.
Yes, I agree. I had Peter’s book on empathy…very beautiful & I hear his soul coming thru his voice as well!
Dear Dan I have had a lot of grief in life. I am glad I am not a therapist. My grief is a learning disability.
Daniel Mackler, it’s a double whammy when we’ve grown up in a dysfunctional/abusive childhood then further traumatized when seeking answers and/or help from the Mental Health field. I am a psychiatric drug survivor who was falsely diagnosed at 22, and psychiatrically drugged for 35 years, including ECT’s to treat the psychiatric drug induced depressions. But when my mental health licensed alcohol & drug counselor and therapist from my mental health office informed me it was ‘just fine’ to cold-turkey off Klonopin (after being prescribed it for 10 years) was when I truly experienced what it’s like to experience the worst terror filled psychosis (with seizures) and endless mental torture I’ve ever experienced in all my 63 years on this planet and then ‘not believed’ by every one of my mental health care workers that I experienced what I did. My Lithium, Trazone & Effexor cold-turkey withdrawals (again with OK from my therapist) drove me into such a homicidal rage for 5 excruciating months I had to admit myself into yet another God for saken Psychiatric Hospital. Another licensed Addictions Specialist told me it was just fine to abruptly stop Neurontin and became so suicidal I was back inside another hospital, but it would be my last after more than at least 15 hospitalizations through out my life due to side effects, adverse effects & constant withdrawal symptoms. After barely surviving my K-pin withdrawal and all the rest of them I am FREE from the Mental Healthcare system. How they have the audacity to even use the word ‘care’ is mindboggling to me. I’ve had to give up everything in life while they tried fixing my ‘chemically imbalanced’ brain they said I had. I’ve had to give up my entire life, my authentic self, loss of self, my children, my soul, and it eventually took my house leaving me homeless. But after 35 years I walked away owning my own thoughts, feelings & behaviors. And that is Freedom! I wrote a book describing what it’s like being drugged for a lifetime detailing my withdrawals knowing I’ll never have the money to publish, but it was therapeutic writing it. Thank you for your video’s. You’re quite an amazing man.
Hey, what an odysee you have gone through. Glad to her you speaking, that you are free now. It s because these psychiatric so called professionals are dissociated from their own feelings. So they can t empathize ….. they can only perpetuate their mental disability by abusing their patients.
I was very impressed by your story. I can not even imagine the horror you have been through and I am surprised because we, in Europe, look up to the US for progress and knowledge in all fields including mental health. I hope you are better now and I am sending my best wishes to you from Transilvania!
HI I’m Simone 🙂 I love your content! I think it’s very honest. I have a master’s in psychology, and I aspire to get my license to practice therapy in Texas. I’ve learned so much from what you’ve shared with us. Keep being awesome.
Take Care
Looking for an escape route. Currently in detention. Need to get away from drug administrators. Transfer possible if transferee same semi secure facility as present. Did you visit any inpatient mental clinics in Lithuania or elsewhere? Private rooms or dormitories? Will they allow OD treatment while in detention? Will they allow day visits? Any Placement Specialists for Lithuania?
Thank You!
Dear Mr. Mackler,
For nearly 40 years now, I have been mentoring troubled youth, the ones who have gotten in trouble with the law, and more recently, ones who have just been in trouble with life. As a volunteer mentor, I obviously don’t get paid-and I don’t want to. First of all, I would never take money for what I do. I believe this is a calling for me. Secondly, I love what I do so much that if I could afford it, I would pay to do it. And thirdly, most of these kids don’t have any money anyway!
I don’t have a non-profit organizationot a licensed therapist of any kind, but I am confident that some level of psychology seems to have been “bestowed”upon me as a gift. I have learned the value and effectiveC and I don’t want one. Even though my approach with each young man is mostly the same, I need the freedom to do what I think I need to do at that time, with that person. I was fascinated to hear your story, and much of it I can relate to. I am not a licensed therapist of any kind, but I am confident that some level of psychology seems to have been “bestowed”upon me as a gift. I have learned the value and effectiveness of being a good listener and in many cases being able to help people figure out why they do what they do, and how to get off that path. ( I have also learned that often it is perhaps more important to try and hear what they “don’t” say).
Because of the stories I hear, I can truly relate to the emotional burden that comes with listening to their trauma. And as you know, getting suicide calls at 3 in the morning is not fun.
I learned very quickly that the first order of business is to establish a relationship of trust with each young man. That leads to the next, and most important job, getting them to talk about and face the ugly, embarrassing, or shameful trauma they’ve endured. Since I’m not a licensed therapist, I obviously don’t prescribe any medicine, and probably wouldn’t if I could. It has been my experience that missing, or dysfunctional primary relationships, is the elephant in the living room. And, of course, that is usually played out in physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Now, I would never discourage a person from seeking “professional” help if that’s what they want to do. However, I detest putting people on drugs in general. While I believe that some drugs have a useful and rightful place, my belief is that in most cases, the drugs only treat the symptom, and rarely get to the root of the problem. Though I don’t consider myself as anyone special, it seems that I have established quite a reputation as a mentor, and it is something I cherish deeply. I’ll end with this: there is no greater feeling than to believe that you have helped someone, to whatever degree you can, to live a better life. Maybe someday you’ll find a way to do that again, in a more fulfilling capacity. May God bless.
A caring, considered approach.
Mr. Hil,
Thank you for this incredible response, I would love to know more about how to build the trusting relationship you describe.
Thanks
Steve
FINALLY someone who is been thru really bad abuse and love your grieving the key of healing video because you finally nailed and explained your own to gives us a sense of empathy knowing what it is like being abuse. THANK YOU
Hi! I recently came across your YouTube on grieving trauma. I’ve recently gone no contact with my abusive family. I’ve left a toxic work environment at the same time of going no contact. I recently out of the blue just bawled for three days straight. On and off long spurts of grief. What do you recommend I do to get myself to where I heal from the trauma and stop the cycle of “loving” the way my parents programmed in me at a young age. I want to be a healthy loving spouse and parent one day.
Hello Daniel
I’ve been watching your videos since this spring and they’ve helped me lot understanting problems about family system. I’d like to ask, what do you think about depersonalization dissorder, what causes it and what it takes to cure it. It’s so hard when it seems that not many therapists understant what depersonalization is.
Teemu
Hi DANIEL,
Do you have any thoughts on Derealisation or Depersonalisation? Perhaps a video?
Struggling at this time.
Thank you
Hi Teemu, I have had dealt with depersonalisation and would like to compare notes with you.
River
I also have troubled with that, I think it’s that. Ibsonetimes lose mins or hours or maybe I just don’t Remeber. But I do know sometimes I can feel myself drifting away and into get to far I panic and literally feel myself pulling back in.
Hey Daniel!
I recently found your YouTube channel and your insight on therapy and the self-healing process is extremely engaging. I usually throw a lecture video on in the background while I work, but I always avoid your videos until I can sit down with them and give them my full attention. Absolutely fantastic work!
I’m a 25 year old cartoonist and writer. About a year ago, I started a little comic series about a 14 year old girl with an abusive mother. In writing this story, I quickly found myself looking introspectively into my childhood trauma and my relationship with my parents, and with that, I managed to identify the manipulative behavior my parents have been showing for years that I had accepted as normal. Your video about breaking from your parents nearly matched, beat-for-beat, my experience doing the same.
Over a year later, my story has become a full-on study into the effects of childhood trauma caused by one’s parents. Every character is, in some way, coping with trauma brought on by how they were raised. I remember you once said that writing an autobiography is extremely useful in self-therapy, and I believe writing this series has had a very similar affect on me. I feel like I’m more in-tuned with my own emotions and more aware of how to grieve for my own unresolved traumas having written this story. And I’ve heard from much of my audience that my story is helping them to do the same.
My story is called Problem Child, and I’ve included it as my website in this email. I don’t at all expect you to have the time or inclination to read 250+ pages of a comic, but in the off-chance that you do, I’d be honored if you would take a look at my story and give me your thoughts. I’m not asking for a public shout-out or anything like that, but I very much respect and admire your insight, and would be extremely honored to hear your opinion on my work, as a former therapist and as a teacher. If people are telling me that my story is teaching them, I’d love to have a better idea whether or not it’s teaching them the right stuff.
Keep up the great work, I’m eagerly looking forward to your next video.
-Brian
Hi Brian — greetings, and thank you. I looked at your comic and I think it’s excellent. I read several different episodes and I found it brave and honest. I hope you are reaching a lot of people — your work deserves it. I’m working on some new videos now. Stressful — but hopefully it’ll be worth it!! Warm hello from New York——Daniel
Hello
I’ve just finished binge-reading your story.
I think it’s very insightful and shows, in a very approachable way, the complexity of behaviors and relations influenced by traumas.
To my mind, the biggest advantage of the story is that through it you portray very well the simple (but not so readily obvious to all in everyday situations) fact that there’s always a reason (usually coming from the past) behind someone’s “misbehavior, acting out, recalcitrance, etc”. And that in crisis situations, more than anything else, an expression of love and understanding is needed.
I’m glad to have found out about your work and look forward to reading further episodes
Best
Maciek
The algorythms brought me your video of why you left therapy. I thought this was so great that I passed it on to my 18-year old child. The phenomena are similar in other professional spheres. I have not yet read or watched other things you do.
Hi Daniel,
I’m about your age, living in Sweden, and I have been watching like twenty of your youtube videos. I like them a lot and they really moved me. You are a brave man. Kind. And I have kind of the same story as you have. Been to therapists three rounds (three years totally), with three different approaches which has been really great for me. Read hundreds of self healing books and spent thousands of hours at youtube watching self helping videos. And of cause thinking a lot about my own life. I’m not enlightend. But I’m feeling okay with my life. So..
I got curious about your approach to life. I’m curious why you aren’t able to let go? Is it me that’s missing something here!? For fifteen years I have returned to Eckhart Tolle and his teaching. I truly belive that identification with the ego is the problem of nearly everything. I really do. The ego with it’s history. The ego and the dissociation. When I’m really conscious I don’t have these problems. No worry and no struggling or suffering. That strong ego is now gone. I’m not always in that place, but it’s getting better and better. So my question. How come your not talking about this simple and core truth. To me this is the core foundation to let it go. Not necessarily to forgive. But to let go. How many hours do we need spend to keep on investigating every little detail and corners of our childhood. What good will that do for us. Will it be enough for you some time, some day?
Love,
Anders
Hello Anders,
Just feel compelled to respond to your very pertinent inquiry about letting go. I am going to try be succinct: I believe that mostly what passes for “letting go” is actually dissociating. True detachment is extremely difficult to achieve and requires a transcendent agent, so to speak.
Sometimes I feel quite bummed that I cannot just be done with it and “forgive” my parents for their lack of emotional attunement over my life, but it is not static, it is an organic process. And ironically, I find the more I am honest about feeling angry with them for whatever, the more I CAN forgive them also—they also had it tough.
Dear Anders,
It appears that your reply is well intentioned and I hope it is.
A useful, proven approach to PTS is found in ‘meeting others where they are at,’ rather than pulling (or pushing) them to where we feel they should be. And indeed, if we are being honest, we would be better served by asking why we feel the need to impose our standards upon them.
For many survivors, the words “let it go’ are precisely those used by their abusers. It aids dissociation and triggers splitting off of past pain, neither of which can bring healing, a fact abusers are already familiar with and which is complicit in their own pattern of pain and in furthering that poisonous pedagogy.
What can bring healing, as Alice Miller wrote in “The Body Never Lies” is when, “ we need [and gain] one special experience: the experience of love for the child we once were.” This is why as adult survivors of abuse we require trusting, enlightened witnesses to provide nonjudgmental mirroring and in that the growing capaciousness for healthful processing strategies. More than that, do we offer wise counsel, let alone the validation of an enlightened witness, when we simply instruct others to ‘let go’ of their trauma, as if doing so was in any way healing? I do not believe so.
Similarly, reducing the effects of trauma to attachments of the ego is overly reductive and wholly ignores the reality of a very sick world filled with abusive systems. Since we do live in an old Earth filled with Ibsen’s ghosts from our past (and a rather toxic present), a world defined in so many corners by predation by humans of nature and of each other, it is virtually impossible for all but hermits and ascetics or perhaps those living in remote, naturally self-sustaining indigenous communities, to find safe, accepting, nonjudgmental environments conducive to self-actualization.
Safety is needed for healing and our world as organized presently is rather lacking in that critical necessity. While edenic communities were a myth, I doubt our social organization was always as marked by such incomprehensible inequity, such dysfunction and universal despair as it is today.
So instead of counseling ’letting go’ let us stand by one another on our journeys to healing. We can give ourselves and others the safety, patience, curiosity, self-care and deep validation necessary for a non-dissociated chance at authenticity and the recovery of each of our true selves. In a society such as this, safety can facilitate wellness individually and collectively.
Hi,
I watched your youtube videos and I have to agree what a childhood trauma can bring to relationships in real life. My husband was too emotionally abusive, passive agressive, cold, mean and he even had an affair. I am so emotionally drained and devalued by his actions. I asked him to move out but I am helping him now recover because he was a victim of childhood neglect and abuse by his parents.
Hello Anders,
Just feel compelled to respond to your very pertinent inquiry about letting go. I am going to try be succinct: I believe that mostly what passes for “letting go” is actually dissociating. True detachment is extremely difficult to achieve and requires a transcendent agent, so to speak.
Sometimes I feel quite bummed that I cannot just be done with it and “forgive” my parents for their lack of emotional attunement over my life, but it is not static, it is an organic process. And ironically, I find the more I am honest about feeling angry with them for whatever, the more I CAN forgive them also—they also had it tough.
I would like to offer another perspective on “letting it go / forgiveness/ dissociation.”
For the past year I have been working with a therapist who combines traditional talk therapy with energy psychology modalities: EFT, Logosynthesis, Ask and Receive, Zensight, bilateral brain stimulation, and Tapas Acupressure Technique.
Using these methods, I have released much of the trauma I have been holding on to for most of my 57 years. Not easy or quick, but definitely possible!
Dear Mr. Mackler,
I found your video about the reasons for quitting being a therapist quite convincing and agreeable.
I’m a German artist/designer, now 70 years old. At the age of 35 I had a heavy drinking & depression problem and underwent a psychotherapy with more than 400 (!) sessions which took 8 years before I felt self-secure enough to function without the therapist. At age 50 I opened a gallery but fell into an even more heavy depression which led almost to suicide because I couldn’t handle the business side of being a gallerist/artist. I had to take another therapy of 25 sessions to get back into balance. From what I experienced the therapies were helpful but the cost/outcome relation of Freudian based therapy is quite unappropriate. I have read many books from Freud to Alice Miller (you mentioned her in the video), Jeffrey Masson, Carl Rogers and so forth.
Via Bateson et al., Palazzoli & the Milano group, de Shazer, Watzlawick and Erickson I learned about the “systemic” or “hypnosystemic” approach which I now think makes a lot of, if not THE most sense.
The German therapist Gunther Schmidt has developped a post-Ericksonian Hypno-systemic approach. His position towards the (German) mental health system mirrors your experience. Return to common sense as well as the exchange on eye level between “therapist” and “patient” or client, finding solutions for the clients’ future instead of labelling them to “be” something (an alcoholic, bipolaror etc.) or to “have” something (paranoia, a disorder etc.). This is the official policy in his clinic). If you can read or understand German I recommend his books & audio seminars which also deal with many of the topics you are describing, such as responsibility and the overwhelming trauma input by clients. Here’s a video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxYeQR7VbaU&list=PL1cDruhm0yALi3Tg_GGO8FBtxgW5rf03t
Greetings from Germany
Berthold Bell
Hi Daniel, just a quick word on the “Why don’t you smile in your videos”-comment: Thank you so much for not doing that. Thank you for insisting on real communication rather than the opting for the shameful branding and fakeness and likability hunting that is taking place all over YouTube and elsewhere. Please keep doing what you do and keeping it real. Real is under attack. Let’s all do our part in warding it off in order to get back to the business of real life.
Also, thank you for the awesome videos that you have put out. They are of tremendous help.
All the best,
Michael
Hi Daniel,
I’ve been following your research and am so impressed by the work you have done to promote the medication free model of mental illness recovery. As I’m sure you’re aware, many people, including those in the field are still convinced that the only way to “treat” (more like control) people is by forcing toxic drugs into their systems without really even looking deeper into their core issues…so it’s really refreshing to see a professional support a natural approach. Please continue your documentaries, as they are fascinating and informative!
Best,
Rachel
Daniel, been listening to stuff for several years now. Thank you so much for all the content you produce and post; it really is insightful.
I think of you every time I hear this Macklemore song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71SSexoXRiA
I feel he captures the painful, human side effects of the prescription model most of the medical field follows. Check it out!
owoow!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0Fi32LbXHA
How amazing that you had the courage, to be honest!!!!!
Is an honor to listen to your youtube video!
I agree with your welcome statement Daniel! On a slightly different note, I am a therapist still in residency and I already started to observe, noticed, and sense things in the field and about myself that you confirmed in your videos. On top of that I have come across other information and/or research that has also changed my views in a similar fashion. I plan not to worry about getting my license and, instead, decided to switch careers when the time is right. Thanks for being you!
Warm Regards,
T
Hi T,
interesting comments! I am a therapist in training and trying to decide whether to continue. They are teaching us telemarketing skills and diversity rather than true psychology, the way it used to be for people like Carl Jung. I am considering to switching to be a life coach because there are less restrictions and programming. If you have any thoughts on this, I’d appreciate them.
Hello Daniel
After having watched most of your videos on YouTube and having read one third of one of your books, I started wondering what, if any, is your opinion on HSP (hihgly sensitive person) concept.
It’s just that your insights are so accurate and so unheard-of in the mainstream discourse that my almost immediate association was with HSP.
I’m not a great fan of labels but I’ve been delving into this one quite a bit recently and it’s shed light on many ‘whys’ as far as our reactions, behaviors are concerned.
Anyway, above all, thank you for pushing forward the idea of finding our true self as (the more I think about it) it seems to be more and more necessary in any form of relation with the world.
Sincerely
Maciek
thanks Maciek — hmm, i have heard of HSP but i haven’t read much about it. of the little bit i’ve read, it seems i probably qualify for some of the qualities, but probably not others…. warm greetings! daniel
Of course, there are different levels of sensitivity and everybody is unique in their nature. Also, even though there’s a sensitivity test designed by Elaine Aron, I’m pretty convinced she herself would be the first person to agree that it’s not like it’s hard science where you can easily classify people in either group.
To my mind, very good point about it is that she’s eager to stress it’s not a diagnosis in any way but a human trait. And rather than trying to treat it, we should all realize that it just requires a bit different lifestyle (both those who consider themselves HSPs and those who don’t).
Sadly, when I Googled it (I’m from Poland) there were quite a few results in my language which said something to the effect of “diagnose yourself”…
According to E. Aron, there are about 15-20% of HSPs in any society but the level of those who actually manifest themselves, that is, act openly in line with their nature, depends on whether sensitivity is treated as something good or not. If not, the majority of HSPs are likely to acquire a kind of veneer of ‘normality’, a certain facade of toughness that is a sort of survival mode.
If you are interested, here’s the test
http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
There’s also a movie on high sensitivity which I personally found a bit too idyllic and a little too recklessly encouraging those who consider themselves HSPs to inform everyone around about their sensitivity, without any mention of the importance of a support structure.
Anyway, I hope I haven’t bored you with the subject 🙂
Thanks for the response
Best
Maciek
PS. To be fair, Elaine Aron does talk a lot about seeking out other HSPs and keeping in touch with them on a regular basis, it’s just the movie that left me with the impression I mentioned at the end of the previous message. Her books and talks (which can be watched from that site as well) by no means give that impression and I find them very insightful, informative and serving a great purpose to people who consider themselves HSPs.
I’ve been thinking about the concept of HSP also in the context of your main focus, that is, dealing with childhood trauma.
The question I’ve been pondering is whether it’s not easier for HSPs to carry out such an analysis since their typical features are a very rich, complex inner world and a heightened perception of details, subtleties, moods. Analogously, could it be that for non-HSPs a self-inquiry of this sort might be more difficult or even seem outlandish as it does not (as it does for HSPs) constitute an integral part of their daily realities?
I know you ascribe not dealing with those past events to something that you call splitting off. What I’m asking is, is it possible that, since the majority of people are non-HSPs, only for the HS minority an analysis of that sort comes naturally and even if they live split off from the actual state of things for some time, all the time they’re actually drawn to the core by their constantly-processing-deeply brain? What follows, can it be possible that since non-HSPs are not, in a way, biologically predisposed to carrying out such a deep analysis, for most people it seems like needles overthinking and that’s why so many of us split off easily?
These are of course mere questions, by no means attempts at statement of facts.
Cheers
Hello to you both,
I read the conversation thread and I wanted to mentioned that there is also fascinating information about the differences between HSPs and empaths. I would say looking up information by Judith Orloff and from the youtube channel, Vital Mind Psychology, would be good starting places. I have more questions about the subject than I do affirmative opinions, but that is who I am as a person. I just wanted to pass on the information I encountered so far. It may or may not answer some the questions both of you have.
Warm Regards,
T
Hi there
After a cursory look, it seems to me like it is actually the same, only ‘an empath’ is supposed to mean a person high on sensitivity spectrum or it’s an HSP that is capable of empathizing even more than most other HSPs, also the vocabulary is different as there’s talk of spirit and energy in case of ’empaths’ . However, the stuff that Abdul Saad and Judith Orloff talk about can already be found in HSP research. Especially the part where HSPs ‘feel’ other people’s emotions, moods, states easily.
HSPs are different, just like A. Saad’s ’empath types’.
J. Orloff’s definition (‘An empath is an emotional sponge. They absorb emotions, physical symptoms, and energy of others into their own bodies.’) sounds like a large element of what an HSP definition says.
Personally, I’m not sure what the label is for since aspects like narcissist attraction or codependency have been researched in a similar way in the realm of HSP, but I guess it’s helpful for some people and also everybody who wants to improve their life follows the message that appeals to their particular sensibilities.
Although, I think it could be a little misleading as to the meaning of the verb ‘to empathize’. By that I mean that the ability to actively show empathy doesn’t most likely depend on the level of sensitivity (or being an ’empath’ or not for that matter) as many sensitive people are too overwhelmed by their sense of empathy to actually do something for the other person and non-HSPs may show high levels of empathy propelled by their strong inner sense of right and wrong, for example.
However, at the end of the day, they are both labels associated with a particular jargon and maybe approach as well, that describe more or less the same feature.
If you prefer to talk about sensing spirits, energy, soul, you are more drawn to one.
If you prefer to talk about heightened perception, fine-tuned nervous system, increased awareness of the surrounding and higher sensitivity to stimuli, you’re more drawn to the other.
You’ve pointed to some materials worth looking up in your opinion .
However, maybe you have your own views or comments on my thoughts from the previous messages (especially the latter part of the last one)?
Sincerely
Maciek
Hi Daniel. Your video today about smiling reminded me of this video which is mind blowing. Smiling is quite important to the little girl in the video. I did a little research into who this gal is and what was the circumstances around this video. Apparently she was talking to her mother who was in the midst of a divorce from the girl’s father. I’d love to know your take on the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BrSCiFo5Wc
Just watched your video about why you stopped being a therapist. Fantastic stuff
Daniel I was wondering what role you think the modern education system plays in all of this childhood trauma
Hi David,
My main question is do you know of any health professionals I could turn to for help on beating psychosis without meds? I live in Ireland and the best case scenario would be to source professional help in Ireland. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 in 2011. I can explain my story further I just don’t know if I should put it all in a blog post. Thank you for your work. The questions you have raised about psychiatry are so underrepresented.
It does not matter which type of ‘Mental Disorder’ yours was Colm – BiPolar II (I understand) – the Treatment is ALWAYS THE SAME!! The problem sources from the SUB-conscious Mind and this is what’s needed to be addressed. I found Therapists to be troublesome and I just Journalled my Dreams, and tried to interpret them (mostly successfully) for about 5 years. The HypnoTherapist, my first Therapist, was conducting a FireWalk after quite a break from him and he asked three times over the cousrse of the night – “What have you been doing John?”, and I gave him the same answer every time – “DREAMS!” I think that he altered his Therapy due to my comment – I have only ever heard of similar once from a fprmer Mental Health Sufferer – a person who the Sufferer hadn’t met for years gave a similar comment.
The first thing I know about you Colm is that you’re gifted. You’ll have considerable achievements already and once you teme the SUB-conscious Mind you’ll be even more powerful!! That’s something to look forward to!! P.S. Meditation, SandPlay and Art Therapy are also good for raising issues from the SUM-conscious. http://letsassist.biz/benefits-of-mental-illness-html/
Hi! I saw your great video on why you quit being a therapist, I just wonder what you work with instead? I am very interested in psychology and thinking about getting a bachelor. But don’t know what I should do because I am a free spirit and dont want to work in their corrupt way? Do you have a private clinic instead?
Thank you
Hey, I am thinking of starting therapy, and I am wondering how to tell them that I am completely unwilling to take meds? Are there certain things/reasons that I should say or maybe even shouldnt say.
I’m seeing this kind of late but wanted to comment anyway. I have seen many therapists and simply made it clear that I am not willing to take meds.
Therapists can’t prescribe them anyway so usually they don’t say much.
I did have a psychiatrist get angry and frustrated with me because I wouldn’t take any meds though. That was a day program during a time I was in really bad shape from an ongoing traumatic event.
But I was way too aware of the side effects to stuck to my boundaries. They can’t force you, particularly if you are outpatient.
I’ll take this one. If this is a boundary issue, you can set limits within a psycho therepuetic framework and say, as an example, thanks but no thanks to say, melatonin used for jet lag or to reset the circadian rhythm.
I too am a former psychotherapist who practiced in Michigan for about 15 years. I totally agree with most of what Daniel had to say. I opted to only see patients who had commercial insurance (I know that Daniel knows what that means). My practice was strong until people lost their jobs around 2009-2010 due to economic crisis of our Country. Nobody bailed me out LOL. So I bailed instead. I am still a practicing Social Worker and I am very happy doing what I do. However, it is a struggle. I think I work in the most misunderstood profession on the planet. A BA degree in SW will not get you very far. You will need to agree to take on an enormous amount of student loan debt to get a Masters Degree to be a psychotherapist and pray that you can make enough money to pay it back. Just so you know, prayer will not pay your bills LOL
Hi Daniel,
I really love your videos about trauma recovery! My question to you is what are some signs that you may have preverbal trauma that you’ve dissociated from? What are some ways that you can see this out and recover from it?
Thanks!
hi diane — thanks for your words. well, the first thing that comes to my mind is that a person has relationship problems, attachment problems — any sort of problems being himself or herself in relationships, forming healthy attachments, unconsciously choosing unhealthy people to be close with (friends, romance), or perhaps being unable to form more healthy attachments…also deep feelings of insecurity…lack of love for self…. all stuff that can come from very early trauma…. of course it can come from later trauma too, so it may not be easy to sort out… i should make a video on this. a good subject. i’ll think about it more. greetings — daniel
I 2nd that. I feel that I just meant a fantastic person I would have most relationships in my life has been very tough the last one especially but this new one it’s almost been a year spend the greatest most honest and filling relationship I’ve had and just when everything is going right I think a lot of my past traumas have come out in the form of 3 Rage episodes for for Ray’s episodes and problematic thinking that lead to looking for setups and abandonment in the end. I’ve even noticed myself setting up my own abandonment making impossible tasks or missions for my partner and then punishing her for not falling through on what I thought was expecting from somebody that love me. I saw that this is destructive I was craving lots of stress and making poor decisions because of that not following through his goals or even seeing her making goals exist my only thankfulness out of this whole situation is it showing me how deep how strong and how the me that she saw and loved was good enough and strong enough to deserve her deep love she showed me steadfast and true through this terrible time which put her on the street twice. My hats off to the caretakers of us and please make a movie about how to deal with these traumas and melt them away and had to accept more so I guess how to accept good people into a life we’re only mostly bad people and takers were
Hello. I watched your video on exploring unconditional love. I have a similar situation but the parent is needy rather than distant. Have you reached a point of forgiveness with your father? I’m trying to get there but I don’t really know what that looks like.
David
I have a question. What do you think about pickup, I think there is some controversy behind it. I wonder what do you think about it?
hi victor — i’m not sure what “pickup” is…. could you let me know? daniel
As in ‘pick up seduction community’
Hi Daniel,
Thank you so much for all your videos! They are great help and encouragement to me. Especially videos on childhood trauma.
I wanted to share your videos with my friends who are struggling with similar problems, but they speak only limited English. Is there a way to add subs for your videos on YT? I could translate them into Polish.
hi Barbara — greetings. hmm….it’s a bit complex to add subtitles. the document first has to be time-coded and then the subtitles inserted in according to the time codes. it also helps if first there is a transcription of the document in English (also time-coded), and then that document is translated. it’s time consuming. is there a specific video you wanted to translate? meanwhile, one of my films is already translated into polish — http://wildtruth.net/dvdsub/pl/ hello from nyc—-daniel
Thanks for the link, gonna share this one!
I was thinking about translating, for example, the newest one about forgiveness.
What is your experience with built-in YT’s own subtitles system? It seems like the program is time-coding the video on its own and adds (not perfect but somewhat accurate) automatic generated English translation of the video.
Doing it manually would be, as you’ve mentioned, really time-consuming. But adding the translation over these generated time-coded frames would be easier.
At least this is what I gathered from the YT tutorials…
hi barbara — yes, i could definitely download youtube’s automatically generated time codes. they save a LOT of time but are inaccurate in many ways and often start and finish the subtitles in strange places and so have to be adjusted…so it still involves work, though much less than starting from nothing. if you want i can download the automatically generated subtitles from the “forgiveness” video and send them to you — and if you want to translate the subtitles into polish i can insert them into the video — and you can see how they look and see if they work or if they need adjustment… all the best! daniel
We could definitely try it!
I would feel bad taking too much of your time for this, so if this whole process ends up being too time-consuming, it seems there is one more way. I’ve read that it’s possible as a video creator to enable adding of subtitles directly by the viewers and then, if happy with the outcome, approve them.
I am open to both. Whatever is more convenient for you 🙂
Hi Daniel,
I would be more than happy to have someone from my team do the subtitles for you. I used to work in broadcast video and my new company is closer to therapy so we could definitely help. 🙂
Let me know if you want me to, we could just generate the time coded caption file and send it to you.
–Andrew
hi Andrew — that sounds great! is there anything i can do to help you, anything you need from me to make this possible? daniel
In the western world we have a far better health system but there are quite a few peoblems. Its easy for me to make a comment(s) because I’m nt at the coal-face – it must be really draining to see the same mistskes repeated.
Hi Daniel! i’m Lina, i’m colombian but i live in France. I’m physician but i quitted my job in 2012 because a lot of interesting reasons and now i live in a permaculture farm where we try to live in the simplest and beautiful way, contemplating autonomy in all levels, lookinf for harmonie with the planet.
Like you, there are two things i’m interested now, more and more: emotionnal development and pollution in our planet…
I had suffered depression for 15 years and i used antidepressants until they had not positives effets but negatives effets, so i looked for another treatments and i did a lot of differents therapy. Finally i found meditation (The processus of the presence and Vipassana) and it helped me a lot. I have a sister and a cousin with a diagnosis of schizophrenia…
Lately i started to feel a vocation for helping people in self-managing emotions and i was thinking in doing an specialization in psychiatry and i was wondering if there are psychiatrist who do not use medication…. i found your video about Open dialogue….
it’s quite amazing, and i want to go there. But for the moment i would like to thank you and i would like to do a traduction tto spanish of you video
thanks a lot!
hola lina — gracias!!! y merci 🙂 thank you for what you’ve shared. meanwhile, good news: my films are already subtitled in spanish and french: http://wildtruth.net/dvdsub/es/ and http://wildtruth.net/dvdsub/fr/ — tambien, yo estaba en colombia hace 2 años por casi 2 meses. un pais fantastico!! llegué de brasil en barco… wishing you the best. daniel
oh!!! 🙂 🙂 y qué hacias en Colombia?
Gracias de nuevo a ti, voy a compartir tus videos!
Cuando quieras venir a Francia, eres bienvenido, el sitio en el que vivo vale la pena conocerlo!
gracias lina — tengo amigos colombianos, y estaba viviendo con ellos. pero llegue a letecia — estaba viajando en sudamerica por 6 meses. una experienca fantastica. aprendí mucho!!! daniel
I am residency trained primary care physician who just quit practicing abruptly on August 2, 2012. I now consider this my ‘get out of jail’ anniversary. I quit for similar reasons as you find yourself in now. I was only 52 years old at the time! For 2 years it was very hard for me to adjust to not working as my career had been my whole life since I had graduated medical school at 26… The reason for this response: My life is far better than it ever has been now. I’ve invested in me: personal work, extensive reading, working through the traumas I experienced while working, journaling, etc., etc., etc….. I’m investing in me! I hope you find your way. I did. I have no regrets for quitting.
Hello David — yes, makes sense to me! Thanks for sharing this. warm greetings—Daniel
I just saw your vid. I was a front line worker in the inner city in Can. Vicarious T, understood. Working with people with the same background as I, opened the box of Pandora. You are so on the button, I wish I had you working with me. Keep going brother.
Do you know IFS from Doctor Richard Schwartz? I want to encourage you to investigate it at the Center of Self Leadership online. This very effective therapy form brings relief for therapists while it is the best way I know to help the clients…
I watched your video about leaving the mental health field and cried. I’ve only been licensed for a few years but started in the field in direct care when I was 19. I have experienced so much abuse at the hands of the system. At one point, my physical health deteriorated due to stress from an agency to the point of losing significant amounts of weight and nearly being hospitalized. I came away from that experience with an autoimmune disorder. I’ve been physically attacked by clients who were not in their right mind, requiring hospital care, and told by the agency “well, you get paid don’t you?” I made $11 an hour. Every experience seems to be worse than the last.
I’ve tried private practice and even though I’ve been successful in building up my caseload and financially being a little more sound, I’m burned out. Can’t talk to colleagues about it…they all just herald the boundaries comments. I tried taking time off for self care but returning from that, I’m just as burned out as before. I feel guilty leaving this quickly after being licensed but I’m not sure how to keep going. I’m curious how you transitioned out of being a therapist? I’m feeling a little lost on how to get out–all of my experience and skills are related to mental health. It doesn’t seem like there are any “natural” roles to transition to :/
I am a social worker who works at a place where a therapist hung herself in her office, committing suicide. I was also personal friends with her outside of work and was calling 911 when she was found. My co-worker who offices directly across the hall from me found her. This has triggered a lot of guilt for me and has made it harder to go to work. I feel traumatized and afraid. It’s only been three weeks, but I thought I would get better, but am finding things harder to do. Work is no longer a safe place. I am getting therapy but feel isolated. People think that I should be moving on emotionally. I am trying. Any suggestions are welcome. I feel a bit de-skilled right now in helping myself.
Tia and Ann, I’m so sorry for what both of you have been through.
I’m not a professional, but a client who at 57 years old and dozens of therapists, finally found one who is able to help me.
What has made the difference is that combined with traditional talk therapy, he uses nontraditional methods – energy psychology modalities: Emotional Freedom Technique, Logosynthesis, and a couple of others. This has helped to cut through alot of the crap without the unending cycle of abreaction that could never seem to be healed.
My therapist has shared with me that he uses the techniques himself to deal with his own issues.
I urge you both to check out ACEP, the national national membership organization for practitioners: energypsych.org
Gary Craig, the founder of EFT, has a comprehensive web site, emofree.com – I highly recommend his highly detailed Gold Standard tutorials.
Willem Lammers, the founder of Logosynthesis, has a wonderful facebook group, several outstanding self-help books for practitioners and laypeople, and his web site is https://www.logosynthesis.net/
I hope this is helpful. I send healing energy to both of you.
As a graduate counseling student, I have discovered that giving advice is not allowed in our profession. This mystified me. I thought that was the whole point of being a counselor especially when dealing with a severely depressed, panicked, etc. person who does not know where else to turn for empathy and … advice. Why is the counseling industry so adamantly against advice giving even in cases when a client explicitly asks for advice?
Meanwhile, every counselor I went to gave me advice–and very obviously and directly too. Does the whole profession consist of pretending like one follows the rules but whatever is done behind the closed doors is actually more real and human, its just that no one wants to speak against the “regulations”?
I think that empathy is the essential element—really does advice stick?Perhaps it is helpful when proferred judiciously—otherwise it just feels like projection.
Even when the “client” asks for advice I wonder what is it that is actually being asked?
I did not know that counsellors were not allowed to give advice, but it makes sense in that there is so much caution about imposing one’s personal views upon the vulnerable—still it sounds like the profession has taken a rather rigid stance.
I once studied clinical psychology, and hence counseling.
Well, as I understood it, some ‘schools’ are against giving advice (like the Rogerian school), others do promote giving advice (like in behaviorial modification etc.).
But there are over 300 forms of psychotherapy/counseling. I think the most important thing here is respect for the client and that the client feels respected. That alone might be very healing.
That said, I had my portion of bad therapists as well. The arrogance in the field is staggering and sometimes I wonder if the whole field isn”t filled with narcissist and even psychopaths?
just a thought, just a thought.
I am laughing out loud—psychopathic elements in all of us—right?
well, I don’t know exactly what you mean by this. Why this reaction?
I just mean there are, I think, a lot and I mean a lot of narcs and psychopaths attracted to this field. Is that so strange? Look at the power they can have! I am not saying they all are. BUT, the top of this field is certainly psychopathic. No question in my mind about that.
Namaste!
Galacar
well, I was laughing, of course, because of the irony—then my thought was (if you look up the definition of psychopath or narcissist) we all are have some of these traits, just at various points on the continuum—I apologize if I have offended
No, you haven’t offended me at all! don’t worry. And yes we all have some of the traits, but I was really talking about full blown narcs and psychopats. A psychopath is not someone with some trace of a psychopath of course.I have for sure spot them in the field. And at many posts you are recruited to be a psychopath! But how they do it I need a lot of time to explain. Suffice to say for now that I take it for granted that most key-posts in medical establishments are occupied by psychopaths.
I agree, there are a lot of narcs in the field of psychotherapy… and, I have had the unfortunate experience of meeting them. They seem to love the vulnerability of their patients, which puts them in the position of being able to traumatize them, while appearing to be a sympathetic ear. I am done with psychotherapist! They didn’t validate the reality of the situation that I was living in; the reality of the family that I was living in. They acted like it was my responsibility to ‘know’ what it was that I was describing and to ‘know’ what to do about it. If I had known what it was that I was experiencing, I wouldn’t have needed a therapist to define it for me. And, if I had known what to do about it, I wouldn’t have needed help… would I? It is a sick field of stupid predators as far as I am concerned. I hope that they burn in hell!
Hi Daniel,
I felt inspired watching some of your video’s and checking out you films. You’re doing what I really want to be doing!!! I’ve been a psychotherapist for 28 years and a reconnective healing practitioner for the last 5 years. But for the last few years I’ve feel bored with everything …except thoughts of doing a podcast, which I’ve started, and thoughts of doing something with film. My interests are somewhat different but somewhat the same as yours (but everything about healing and helping people and other therapists). Have you heard of a course in miracles?
Hi Trey. My name is David and I read your post. I am currently reading A Course In Miracles. It’s a real life shifter. It’s really redirected my focus of reality that feels right to me. How far along are you in it?
David
Galacar, I would love to chat with you. I’m in a grad program in Counseling and I agree with lots of what you said! My email is river261 at hotmail.
River
Sorry for my late reply!
Thanks for sharing. I will send you an e-mail tonight!
Looking forward to ‘talking to you. Thank you!
Namaste
Galacar
Hi Daniel! Could we use your plastic in the sea song for a compilation album about plastic pollution? All of the money will go to saving our oceans!
Dear Daniel .
Thanks for your very insightfull video’s! Love watching and listening to you.
For what’s it worth, I see you as a very beautifull being!!
I once studied clinical psychology and I had to
do a half year internship and it was jaw dropping. First, I walked along with a shrink, and he did see patients on a 10 minutes basis and that was all he needed to subscribe his, sorry but I say it how it is, SHIT!. Furthermore, I hadn’t made the internship. and if there is a good reason that was ok by me, but you know what the reason was? I knew too much!!! Really! It is true that I probably had read more books then anyone who worked there, and that was because I loved this profession! Even in my spare time I read hundreds of books!.
But I don’t regret that I haven’t made it, simply because I have discovered how many really powerfull alternative healing methods are out there!. I have seen with my own eyes how someone with severe trauma was cured in less then 10 minutes!! Never seen that by a psychiater or psychologist.
And I don’t want to even start with the horrible, horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible,horrible, things psychiatry has done to my S.O. (I am starting to cry now).
But, have you ever wondered about this.There is a lot of resistance against the psychiatry field and righty so, And by really scientific people ( I won’t start here but ‘science’ isn’t what you think it is.). But despite all this, nothing changes! Why? Because the whole filed is purposely designed NOT to cure people! It really is all by design. If you want to know where the ‘great”( ugh ugh) ‘psychiatrist and even psychologists really came from, you have to study the “Tavistock Institute” in London and it’s satellite organisations! Did you know that there is even a statue of Freud in front of the Tavistock Building. And what is Tavistock all about then? warfare! That’s right there is war going on against ‘ordinary’ people ( I really don’t think there are ‘ordinary’ people.)
It is, as you have said in your videos all about control! Also, if you understand that the top of the psychiatric field is psychopathic, that might give some insight in why psychiatry is the way it is. It was never ment to cure people. Au contraire.
So much more to say about this topic alone, but I will leave it for now.
But if you have any questions feel free to ask. Not that I have all the answers, of course I don’t but I have studied this sort of thing fro more then 16 years now.
Daniel/, thanks for your beautifull videos and let them coming in!
Namste!
Galacar
.
Dear Daniel, your videos are such a healing light in this crazy time and space we’re living in. I cannot thank you enough.
I teach yoga and have been a meditator for some years. I started law school last year to establish better tools to advocate for people in a meaningful way. Your video on anxiety (and being true to yourself) has been especially insightful and so very helpful. Thank you so much, beautiful soul. Thank you.
thanks Regina. greetings to you! daniel
hi, okay…so it sounds like you know what you are talking about….maybe you could give me a little advice then. My 16 yr old son is experienceing pshychosis or whatever you call it. His mom has really fkd him up over the years and I am constantly feeling like i am picking up the peices. I am a really strange person too, so I kinda add to the weirdness of it all…but I am good at heart and don’t mess with him at all…im trying to save him from his own mind. His mother is one of those munchousen bi-proxy people. She has faked leukemia 3 times….to my family…her next boyfriends family which my son considered his step father…and even lied about it to some doctors….She dosn’t seem content unless someone is in the hospital, or having at least 2 medical appointments per week. My son lived with her when young and she had him in psychiatric correction facilities. I took him at around 10 years old when she got interested in something else {marrage} and moved to nova scotia abandoning him for a year and a half. I got full custody at that time…He lived with me for five years and was pretty much normal, and we took him off the garbage the shrinks were giving him, and literally got them out of our lives for a while. She came back, and took me to court for custody, and only got visitation….cuz we totally proved she is an evil centered lunatic…but they wouldnt do anything about it….as he visited her more….she lured him at 15 saying she would buy him a 2 million dollar house {well, them all} because her mom just got a 2 mil settlement with her ex…and she did. She promised him cars, and a trade with his new step dad etc…and he decided to kinda move back with her…well, at least half the week. So i’m not sure if she is messing with his food or whatever….but we caught her messing with mine on a dinner visit…i have crohns disease…and she put hot hot peppers in my peice of the lasangna…and said there was zero spices…lol…anywya i didnt trust that peice, cuz its the peice i took last time we had it there…and she knew i would go fo the one right next to hers….anyway i took a different peice and she freaked out and yelled at me….then her husband came in and took the peice that was supposed to be mine and literally dropped his fork and yelled what the hell is in this…my toungue is on fire…and no…was not heat hot…the food had been out of the oven for 30 min at that point. So my son saw this and kicked her out of his life….for now….He is on 1mg respiridone….okay i forgot to tell you that he was hallucinating a year ago about demons and angels living in his stomach….and recently demons coming to take him away….Both times it seems to be drug induced psychosiss….but i’m thinking his mom was involved somehow…i just cant prove it…i’ve had him for a month now..and hes doing alot better….but i could use some advice….this whole situation is beyond complicated…theree is SOOO much more to tell…and ive got things prety well under control…but i could use some help. He is no longer hallucinating….but he faked taking his meds for a bit and was hearing voices…he’s not now…but the respiridone is covering it up….also he has heightened awaremenss like hearing and seeing…and to tell you the truh…alot of wierd shit happens around both of us…so we are very spiritual people….and both quite powerfull….although i know some of his thought power is delusional…and i dont want to oust spiriutality from his life…because i feel that without it he won’t get better….my name is chris by the way….so much more to tell…but maybe you could shed a bit of light on the situation….i do think im doing the right things so far though
Hi Chris from Chris—although I presume that you are looking for a response from Mr. Mackler, I just thought I’d make quick mention of my concern that it sounds like the deep problems (coping mechanisms) with which you son is beset is in response to the way in which he is being parented—honestly by both mom and dad
Hi Chris.
I read your piece but in all honesty I don’t know what you are asking me. I am no doctor or whatever (praise god! lol). But I do hope you find the help yo need.
The only thing I can say that if I was in the same situation I would look outside the mainstream.
(Maybe eft or tat, there is a lot, and i mean a lot of good stuff out there!)
Namaste!
Galacar
Galacar, I would love to chat with you. I’m in a grad program in Counseling and I agree with lots of what you said! My email is river261 at hotmail.
River
I just saw your YouTube video about the Mental Health Industry. You would do so many oppressed, discriminated people out here who are a product of this stigmatized Mental Health Industry’s control over our society a good deal of support.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0Fi32LbXHA
We need you to stand up and speak out. Call Marsha Linehan and go out on a speaking tour all over the country and stand up for the oppressed clients of this social ill control of that which is called: The Mental Health Field.
I was never able to really talk in therapy. I need someone that I feel equal to and a therapy session is not an equal ground. The therapist holds all the power and legal protection. I find it absolutely disgusting.
We need you to speak out all over the country about what is going on. When the creator of Dialetic Behavior Therapy (Marsha Linehan) is out on YouTube stating and warning the population if you are a Borderline Personality NEVER to tell anyone especially if you are in a hospital setting—-this is very alarming.
I had just written a scenario of how the world would look to a Cancer patient if they were treated like these MH patients are treated for having cancer. They are treated like dregs of the Earth.
As well, these therapists, psychotherapists, etc. should have to take the medication they prescribe their clients. Then they would understand how one is not able to function on a day to day basis.
Daniel
You honor your creator by holding to that which was created and live as yourself…no more…no less. Long live Daniel!
I couldn’t have said it any better. Daniel thank you for being you. You inspire me on my own personal journey of being who I was really created to be.
Hello Daniel, I, like many, just discovered your channel a few days ago. I have watched all of your videos and have become interested in all the topics you have talked about. I always thought that maybe all of our traumas are created during childhood, which tends to show in adulthood. You really helped me see things with a better perspective in those topics. I appreciate people that can analyze the way you do about one’s self. I am also a person who has “anxious reactions,” many of them, which had lead me to create my own self therapy to heal from my traumas (still in the process as well). Thank you for sharing your perspectives in many different ways, you are really helping people and making a difference.
I googled your name because someone on a Richard Grannon video recommended you. After reading your introduction I am chilled. I could have written it about myself. Once I “figured things out”, linking childhood trauma and my attachment issues, I created boundaries, removed NPD’s from my life, educated myself, attended a local support group (Reclaiming Your Identity), stayed single and celibate. I understand that I need to be alone, and only when I am complete within myself will I be ready for a partner. I don’t believe in casual dating because it always leads to casual sex. Sex is not casual for me. I have focused my energy on ecological restoration in combination with the restoration of my soul. Mindfulness, meditation, exercise, school, work: routines that fill my day. I am a botanist, a natural resource land manager, a forester, an ecologist, a GIS analyst, and a water quality specialist. I restore ecosystems for a living. I hike. I continuously recommend people reconnect with Nature, and am on the Board of Directors of a local, nationally accredited forest preschool. Life is finally good. I look forward to listening to your videos in the coming days.
“a water quality specialist. I restore ecosystems for a living.”
Beautifull! Are you aware of the works of Victor Schauberger?
Daniel,
I just discovered your Youtube channel. Thank you for posting your video on why you quit being a therapist. I went as far as to receive my Master’s Degree in Counseling and have been licensed as a therapist intern in California, but I haven’t pursued my internship hours and full licensure. There were things I experienced as a therapist during my practicum and internship that caused me to question the direction I was going. I too did not like the “rules” I had to live by as a therapist. There were things that were not quite right about them. To an extent I have felt like I wasted my time and money pursuing something that I didn’t want to finish, but your video made me feel so much better about my decision to stop. The points you brought out were spot-on. I have more peace just knowing that someone else understood and felt the same way I did regarding the therapy world.
Hi Daniel,
My name is Eddie and at age 69 I feel ready to journal about childhood trauma. Better late than never, i say. i have written things down sporadically over the years, including some dreams, but would like to make a more concentrated effort. One thing I’m wondering about: do you see an advantage to writing on paper with pen as opposed to using MS Word and writing on my PC? If you have any opinion at all about this, i’d like to hear it.
Thanks so much for your answer and I want you to know that i get a lot out of your videos and i appreciate the vulnerability i see in them, as well as the honesty.
Eddie
eddie—-i mostly write by computer now, but originally i wrote by hand in a journal. i still like both…. worth experimenting to see what feels more comfortable to you! greetings—-daniel
EDDIE,
If computers were around when I was Recovering from my Nervous Breakdown 35 years ago and I’d recorded my Dreams on computer I’D STILL BE MINING THESE DREAMS FOR INFORMATION!!
Daniel’s spot on in his recommendation!
Hi Daniel,
I Just found your youtube channel and glad I did. You remind me of me as far as wanting to be myself and then when I am I then worry what people think ughhhh. I too see those people who are the “ships” that break through the ice and don’t seem to care what anyone thinks (good for them). Just hearing you talk about it helps me feel a little more relaxed. Thank you for being honest.
Dear Daniel,
Firstly I originally wrote to you June 6, 2016 here and asked you about your influences, whereupon you generously cited some as well as noting the importance of writers. Could you illuminate which authors of fiction and even fimmakers inspired you?
Secondly, I would like to echo the support and validation of so many here who have found in your candid and illuminating self discovery inspiration for their own healing. You will surely have heard from many who are responding to your ground-breaking work, but I would suspect that there are a great many more from whom you will never hear from but who you’ve profoundly touched.
Finally, in a recent video you spoke of criticisms regarding your notion that parents need healing before having children. The criticism suggested that human beings would die off if they followed your suggestion. In my opinion that criticism is spurious nonsense. In fact responsible and sensible approaches to authentic parenting would perhaps point to adoption of parent-less children and building sustainable wellness-focused societies BEFORE narcissistically engaging in irresponsible reproduction, especially in light of the environmental impact that 8 billion people has for the earth.
I also your recent predictions found here to be relevatory:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoMH5mE9COQ
Keep up the great work.
Mark
Hello Mark,
I also find Daniel’s insight’s profoundly confirming. Still, I just wanted to mention that although some people should definitely not have children, birthing more people onto this illusory planet is really not going to hurt anything. Are you not glad that your parent’s birthed you, even if you were contaminated by their unresolved trauma?
We humans have been created with an innate ability to absorb trauma—not to say this is a “good” thing, but rather to say that our Creator knows that we will have to suffer while in this dimension of existence and has instilled in us the capacity to do so.
In terms of population growth, too many bodies is really not the underlying problem. It is, firstly, a lack of respect for the earth’s limited resources, which is merely a reflection of the lack of respect for our deepest self, and secondly, because the worldview has become ridiculously materially-oriented it has lost its spiritual compass, has become morally unbalanced, and has consequently become terrified of death. In my view (perhaps erroneous) this insidious fear of death prevents people from surrendering to whatever illness has come upon them and saying no thank you to the host of expensive and not very effective medical interventions that might prolong every second of one’s life for as long as possible when it just might be in the “world’s” best interest to get off, so to speak, and make room for the next person to get on
In many cases of cancer chemotherapy drugs kill the person much faster than if they did nothing but the patient can’t face their death and want any hope at all of Healing. Doctors prescribe even though they know there is no chance let’s say as in pancreatic or liver cancer. Patients don’t know better or can’t face the facts. They die sooner than if they had faced facts and decided to live as well as possible what they have left.
yes—I hope that if my demise is through cancer (I’ve always felt that melanoma would be the most likely disease to get me), that I have enough faith to just let nature take its course and forgo all of the mostly fear-placating “remedies”
—thank you, Harriet, for your reciprocal feelings
May the holy Spirit be with you, to comfort you and gift you with strength according to the empowerment you gave to others already.
Blessings
Ben
Yes! Ben! I pray fervently that the Holy Spirit assist and empower me as well–thank you for your lovely response
Dear Christine.
There’s a book about Pablo Neruda with the title: „with frevently endurance“. I always loved that expression….
Fervently!, sorry, my English is still in development
I totally agree—livng a truth-filled life requires fervent endurance!
So much to say here, but I won’t,
But are people aware that the 3rd cause of death in
hospitals is, wait for it,… medical treatment!
That;’s right. ‘medicine’ is a death machine.
sorry, but I say it how it is.
view the web-site – http://www.NaturalHumanDevelopment.com
DANIEL,
There is nothing so powerful as a person that cares about others! CONGRATULATIONS.
You might imagine that you are weak because you quit being a therapist – I SEE THE OPPOSITE AND I CONGRATULATE YOU FOR YOUR ATTAINMENT!!
Send me an E-mail and I’ll send you some info.
Hello
I am now a student in a Master program in europe for clinical psychology – on my way to be a therapist. My current dilemma is that on the one hand I feel a desire to create all kinds of stuff (recorded songs, drawings and even video skits) and put them out there (facebook, soundcloud etc), with their content not always being very agreeable or mainstream. On the other hand, I don’t feel I can be out there like that as I need to have a therapist persona, meaning that if clients see my stuff they will see me acting stupid, or expressing in ways which might seem not so soft, or accepting. Its a big issue and I find it hard to even verbalize what is the problem. But it is essential the feeling that i cannot simply put my art out there because I need to maintain a more sterile public persona, as to give my clients a feeling of safety.
I might have lots of false beliefs here about the world and about the field of therapy, and I am aware that it is changing and that therapists are not the aloof, mysterious figures they tried to present themselves as, like it was in the past. And yet, there IS some real dilemma here.
Any perspective will be appreciated – even one that only strengthens my concern.
Thank you
Iftah
i’m curious what others have to say about this. me, i started putting stuff out publicly (unconventional essays, then later videos) after i’d been a therapist for five years. it was freeing to be able to be my creative self, but very stressful many times. and sometimes i lost clients over it….. and sometimes colleagues were very critical. i didn’t like that. but mostly, many clients i had appreciated the fact that i was a real person — even some who strongly did not agree with what i was saying. at least they knew who they were dealing with, and it raised my credibility in their eyes, because they knew i was much less likely to lie to them and be a fake person….. daniel
Hi Daniel, I have been viewing some of your more recent YouTube videos – Why I quit Being a Therapist, Breaking from Your Parents, Healthy Versus Unhealthy Love, 20 Predictions, On Anxiety. It takes a lot of courage to speak out so forthrightly and truthfully about your experience, and I have to say I totally agree with “everything” you share on all of these topics. I have been on a healing journey for over 25 years, and have been in therapy for at least 15 years. I recently participated in a Trauma Program at a hospital that focuses on Women’s Needs, and I have to say, I almost got re-traumatized by the experience. They really do not know what they are doing, and lack any substantial understanding on how to heal trauma. I have cultivated a lot of awareness and understanding through my own research and self-education, and self-understanding of my own experience and feelings, and I have to say, what you share is completely true in all of these videos, and as a result feel validated and legitimized in mine, which makes me feel sane and that I can trust myself. As a result, I feel that I am becoming clearer of what has happened to me, and clearer about what I need to do to help myself. I experienced a lot of what you share about the therapeutic relationship, and I understand that what is needed is the kind of presence and support that you say you provided to your clients. I feel like you are a trailblazer, and that your speaking out and sharing what you have learned honestly without censoring really helps those of us who have had similar experiences and feel so unsupported, invalidated and pathological zed by the medical system, and many people in mainstream society who are still in denial of their own trauma. This has caused me to feel helpless, powerless and not in my right mind (insane). I turn to your videos often for ongoing support and validation. Please continue as you are. Of course, a lot of people who are still in denial in the psychological system are not going to like it. But you already know this. I hope to be such an advocate as I reclaim my own personal power, and ability to assert my truth, and become more of an activist for the Truth.
I can echo Francesca’s sentiments. Thanks Francesca for putting your thoughts on paper. And Daniel, keep up the good work. I frequently go back to your youtube videos. They have been, and continue being, extremely helpful.
thanks bas and francesca 🙂 –daniel
I only read the very last sentence of the above comment and I love it—but I must add Truth has a “razored-jaw.” I think we need to converse about this aspect more—Daniel Mackler has conveyed some quite incisive (no pun intended) ideas about the “discomfort” of truth on youtube—
Hi Daniel,
I’m in a similar predicament as Iftah. I got my master’s not too long ago in counseling and am currently looking for work. However, I do comedy on the side and am concerned about posting anything related to it on social media for fear of not having boundaries and for being seen as a fake. I would like to work on my license, but fear that it’ll be difficult for me to pull off comedy and counseling at once. I love doing it, but I don’t know. I’m concerned that I may eventually burnout. I give you credit for doing what you do. 🙂 Any advice would be appreciated.
hi M.
you know, i think the world needs just as many good comedians as it does good therapists. and maybe more of the former than the latter…hmm….. i have actually put up some humorous videos and essays — perhaps not exactly “comedy,” but in the realm of it — and i’m so glad i have. they leaven the bread, as it were. the thing is, i felt much more free to share other sides of myself publicly after i quit working in clinics with colleague and went into private practice..away from their judgmental and stuffy eyes. and in my early years of putting stuff on the web i did for a while use a pseudonym on my website so i could feel safer putting stuff up. it did help, though eventually i said “screw it” and i just used my name. meanwhile, i don’t know what kind of comedy you do — but maybe something of what i said applies…. sending greetings–daniel
It is so refreshing to hear these concerns! I am a therapist and my colleagues have discussed this a great deal. I usually say, come on-can’t our clients accept that we are humans and have personalities and lives (and other talents we really need to foster as part of self care?) to which they all replied – “no! They want us to be (insert who here…mom, dad, etc). I have decided to leave the field as well and have been returning to my creativity after taking a year to recover from intense and scary burnout. A quote that has helped me make my decision by Anne Wilson Schaef: “therapy helps people adjust to living in a sick system. It is destructive to humans and the planet.”
I’m grateful to be in all of your company and encourage you to keep exploring and trust yourselves to find your way.
Hi Daniel,
I am not sure how to start a new thread on the blog, so I reply to your latest entry.
I have watched your youtube videos about divorcing your family, choosing your therapist, why I am not a therapist anymore.
I agree with pretty much all of it.
I think therapy can be used initially as a way to resolve big psychological problems, then can became a way to help you grow, analyze and think.
Though paying for one way therapy can be expensive and can make clients egocentric, by getting accustomed to obtain attention and not give it back and it can drain the therapist after a while.
I had some free one way therapy when a was 20 (I am 52) at a LGBTQ center in London, but I did notice that the therapist had most of the knowledge and the client was vulnerable to damage from the therapist. I also did not like the fact that I was the only one really opening up and that I knew very little about the therapist, as a person.
So I enrolled on a counseling course, to learn at least the basic, so I could better judge the work of the therapist and more actively participate in the process.
The following year a decided to join another counseling class, as I love the subject and found it helpful in understanding myself, others and life.
The course tuned up to be a Co-Counseling course. (CCI, co-counseling international) http://www.co-counseling.org.uk. Run by a CCI teacher. The counseling was base on Carl Rogers ideas and Humanist philosophy, especially client centered, and run without leaders, and based on finding a consensus.
It was similar to the standard counseling, at the end you could join a co-co community of counselors, exchange free therapy sessions, by taking turn as client and counselor, join groups, and events.
I repeated the fundamental course the following year, but this time it was with a Re-evaluation Co-co teacher (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Re-evaluation_Counseling_(organization), this was a leadership run co-co community. I also joined this community. I preferred it cos having a leaderships, it was running more efficiently,
For the following 29 years I carried on doing co-co session with a variety of co-counselors.
The community though it is better suited to people with lighter issues. For deeper issues like psychosis ect, it is best finding a standard therapist, and then later when better do Co-co.
Most of the ideas and practices are ok, but as it happens with most institutions, it got eventually infiltrated by Cluster B personalities, so the community has problems of authoritarianism from leaders ect. I advise to avoid counseling with leaders, getting too involved with the leadership or community and take the theory and practices with a pinch of salt. Co cousel with regular co-counselors, not too enthusiastic about RC.
So Daniel if you are interested, or anyone else reading my message, we could exchange some sessions over phone, Skype, Hangout, Messanger, Snapchat, IMO, Whatsapp, Viber, ect and see how it goes.
I can send you a fundamental course literature, so you can get acquainted with it.
I find it a great way to make “a sort of co-co friends” too, mind you we have to respect the confidentiality rule, to keep it safe and not messy, and not socialize outside sessions.
Adrian
hi adrian — thanks for your comment. to start a new comment thread…unfortunately you have to scroll down to the bottom of the page…ah! meanwhile, good to hear what you share. i actually know a bit about co-counseling. i’ve had a few friends involved in it over the years. also, in one of my books (“a way out of madness”) one of the chapters is written by a longtime co-counseling person, janet foner. she actually co-founded the mental patient advocacy group MindFreedom International — and from what i understand from her co-counseling could be very useful for psychiatric survivors… i’ve actually never met her in person, though — she was closer with the book’s other editor, who was also more involved in Mindfreedom. meanwhile, thanks for the offer. i’m in a different headspace than that right now, but maybe others will be interested. sending greetings! daniel
Hallo Daniel,
Just reading Dr Irving Yalom’s book ‘The Gift of Therapy’, and he is squarely on your side regarding such output the way I understand him.
Do you have a reading list you recommend? I saw Irv was one of the others you recommended in your youtube video critiquing the psychotherapy profession.
Much thanks for your work, slowly going through everything, and finding it very insightful and fascinating.
Kind regards,
Philipp, Zurich/Switzerland
hi phillip — cool. i read the book about 15 years ago, and i liked it, though if my memory holds he said you needed medication or hospitalization for mania…and i don’t agree with that. is my memory right?! just curious. greetings! daniel
Yalom takes a pragmatic stance, with a leaning towards therapy over medicatiins. However I think he does not not prescribe medication, and may not even treat such patients.
Hi Daniel. I’m a trained psychotherapist and faced a similar dilemma of how public to be with my own struggles with life and limerence (addictive romantic infatuation) after setting up a self help forum and making some videos for suffers of this condition. The forum has grown in 3 years to 1500 members plus a lot of lurkers. I felt my initial resistance was partly due to the shame of my addictive behaviour. I had also been taught in my training to hide behind my credentials so I could be a blank screen for the projections. I then decided there was value in others seeing that even a trained therapist grapples with these very human dilemmas and no one has all their stuff sorted. I prefer a relationship with my clients that is more equal, although continually grapple with when is it appropriate to disclose something of my own struggle and ensuring its always in the client’s benefit whenever I do disclose something relevant and personal.
I admire and respect the courage you have shown with the openness around your own story. I regularly link to your videos and blogs on our site as I feel the origins of limerence lay in the early life attachment trauma and poor parenting.
Hi David, I suggest you check out Pia Mellody’s work. As I understand, addictions like yours are indeed the result of childhood trauma, which often leave people dependent on external resources rather than internal ones, for emotional balance. Maybe you’ll also be interested in my videos.
This is one of my major gripes with the training of psychotherapists, that so many, despite all the proper diplomas and licenses, do not even know about the basics, and thus end up continuing to suffer for years themselves, along with not having the tools to be able to effectively help the people they want to help.
All the best.
FYI Iftah I replied to your question in another thread. Best wishes.
Hey Iftah, Daniel, and all,
If you want to have a professional looking persona, yet show your creative works, then do both! It is clear you have thought carefully about the benefits/advantages and disadvantages/potential negatives of all options you feel open to you. What I do recommend is to have a professional persona with your registered/licensed name either in full or your initials and surname, for example A. N. Other (relevant qualifications, education levels, accreditations etc). This can be your smart, clean, professional, knowledgable, clinical, sterile, and ‘paper/document name’/birth name, ‘work’ self. You then can have a ‘creative works’ self. If you pick something that is special to you, or a nickname, or something you feel much better fits you, then have that as your expressive, eccentric, eclectic, contradictory, artistic, outspoken, bold, seemingly unafraid, controversial ‘creative’ self. Sadly, ‘Phoenix’ is not my paper name, but I feel much better and comfortable showing my authentic self when referred to by (or modified/similar versions) of that name. This is because to me it is a symbol of several things, and therefore helps me to resist some negative/maladaptive practices as well as at times being less avoidant and more outgoing. I am also less afraid of repercussions regarding providing an honest but moderate comment about something, or showing my creative ventures in the forum of public critiquing otherwise known as the internet! Those people I know in person, knows it’s me that has written/drawn/sung/made/felt etc what they’ve seen, and people seem to see a great difference between the two types of people. I have issues to work on with regarding my name and past trauma, but I would caution you to the potential of becoming compartmentalised in a way similar to disassociation, and thus starting your journey and/or self-therapy over again. I am unsure how to make sure that there is one persona but wearing different hats, as opposed to two personas who might or might not know each other. However, my option would give you two clear spaces and a response of either ‘that is [describe name of creative persona]. How can that be connected to me?’ or ‘Yes, that is something I indulge in when not in an appointment, supervision, training, doing personal research to keep my knowledge up. According to what research I have read, professionals and people in general are more productive, have less sick time, and make far less errors when they maintain their health in a holistic way’. As someone who has been both sides of the fence, I prefer having a therapist who I know is a human rather than this sterile science thing. I find that I can express more of value to them in a shorter time. I tend to use the term ‘teflon coated’ for that distance between therapist/doctor and patient. However, should you watch the movie ‘Patch Adams’, then you might understand why I prefer the relationship of human to human, without the teflon coating. Infact, they both are experts. The therapist has the knowledge of various options and methodologies to assist the patient but limited knowledge as to what is best and how to apply them to this individual. The patient has the knowledge of themselves and their conditions but they don’t know what options there are to help themselves heal, or what best one to use, and how to do the methodologies. Please note this applies in most cases, not all (with people, mental health, and the human brain being involved, there is a great big huge dollop of ‘it depends’ mixed with ‘hmmm’!!).
Hope that might assist you! I wish you luck, and to take care,
P.
REAL people are the most beautifull people to me.
If a therapist dances akwardly , but he does tt, I have the utmost respect.
And how you can learn people to ‘open up’ if you are ‘closed’ and hence ‘not seen’ yourself?
Being yourself is an invitation to another person to be his or her self.
well, my two cents. Hope it is worth something. 😉
Hi, Iftah,
I am of two minds about this. As a veteran of therapy, I am at middle-age now seeing someone who practices non-traditional (energy) psychology in combination with traditional talk therapy.
Although his boundaries are sometimes looser than I am comfortable with, I have come to feel that in the beginning of our therapy, I did not have sufficient ego strength to withstand what felt like an intrusive/traumatic experience.
However, now that I have healed somewhat, I feel that I have the ability to work through my feelings over these perceived boundary crossings/violations, and that this is a part of being in the world where people often don’t behave as I would prefer. 🙂
My initial reaction was, simply use a pseudonym. But as an artist, that would be antithetical to my purpose for making my art.
I’m sorry for your dilemma, and I hope my perspective has helped you in some way.
Dear Daniel,
I have seen your documentaries about open dialogue and “take these broken wings” and I am absolutely fascinated. It’s full of hope and good sense.
I have a brother who’s paranoid schizophrenic, he is 32. I would like to find someone sharing the kind of ideas Open Dialogue or Dr Breggin team does. He doesn’t want to take his drugs anymore, and I understand that, but it’s very hard for us to find therapists that are ok to follow him without the first condition of being medicated.
Thanks to your work and your sharing with the therapeutic community, would you have some places or people to advice in Belgium or France ?
I thank you for your work and your help,
All the best,
Stephanie
hi stephanie. i would suggest reaching out to luc de bry. he’s belgian (though flemish) and knows the local scene there much better than i do!! his contact info is public at the bottom of the following article. if you reach out to him feel free to give him a greetings from me — daniel https://emergingproud.com/2016/12/26/dr-luc-de-bry-from-belgium-talks-openly-about-his-personal-story-an-introduction-to-further-discussion-about-the-links-between-biology-nutrition-a-return-to-our-roots-and-open-dialogue/
You are wonderful ! It seems very promising
Thank you so much Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I just saw your critique of Alice Miller on YouTube and thought it was brilliant. There are a few questions I would like to ask you.
Which is the best book of Alice Miller’s to read regarding her criticism of psychoanalysis?
Why do you no longer practise psychotherapy?
How do you know if you are seeing the right/wrong therapist?
I would really appreciate your views on these queries. Thank you for your time. Keep up the great work.
All the best,
Kap
hi kap — thanks. i haven’t read any alice miller books in several years so i don’t remember where she mentions her critiques of psychoanalysis. maybe “drama of the gifted child”?
for question #2, i have this essay i wrote: https://www.madinamerica.com/2013/09/reflections-therapist/
and #3: https://www.madinamerica.com/2015/05/is-my-therapist-good-or-not/
all the best!
daniel
Thank you, those blogs look pretty spot on. Take care.
kap,la crìtica al psicoanàlisis-igualmente la considero psicoanalista porque comparte lo escencial del mismo,esto es,la idea de lo inconsciente,y la crucial importancia de la infancia para la determinaciòn de las marcas traumàticas que ejerceràn su efecto a lo largo de la vida y de las generaciones subsiguientes.lo que ella no compartìa-como muchos psicoanalistas hoy-era la visiòn freudiana del Edipo,y la idea de un niño cargado de impulsos incestuosos,egoìstas y agresivos.te recomiendo ” Thu shall not be aware “
Hey Danny,
Thanks for sharing the post. Keep up the great work. ” All The Best”.
cool! back at you! daniel
Beautiful mark and healing words for us, thank you.
Hi, Daniel! I need a book recommendation.
I’m currently doing self-therapy for my mental health problems and what I need to work through is my childhood. What I’m doing now is reading different books about trauma and abuse and trying to find what would resonate inside me so I could remember. However there are many books concentrated on spanking and sexual abuse. And I believe that my abuse were mostly emotional (with sparks of sexual and emotional) so I need to be pulled into right direction.
My context:
Dad – weak man, alcoholic, with split off anger concerning his wife, submissive, passive-agressive
Mom – major abuser and tyrant histrionic features, neediness, insecurity, severe anxiety, domination, manipulation, grandeur stuff.
So if anybody remember cases like that described somewhere – it would be a great help for me.
Just my two cents, you might want to read Transforming Yourself: Becoming who you want to be, by Steve Andreas. Focusing on the trauma only cements it, as we recently learned from neuroplasticity, start focusing on who you want to become, and build new paths.
“the BENEFITS of Mental illness” – a PHENOMENAL Transfotmation!
http://www.black-op.org/benefitsofmentalillness.html
I think the word “focus” should be explored. The trauma that one sustains in one’s life usually unfortunately, gets repressed and over time this can cause too much splitting! It is not about “focus” to me, it is about just letting it exist consciously so that we do not project it onto innocent “others.”
Does it not make perfect sense that if we feel like it is OK and even healthy to look back and cherish fond life experiences, that we should likewise honor and not dissociate from the traumatic experiences also? One cannot truly learn from the vicissitudes that one will face in life if one is dissociating from them.
I regard experiences I’ve had in my life as just training. I won’t say that I didn’t suffer during my Nervous Breakdown BUT GEES I FOUND OUT A LOT!!
I have heard other people talk about their childhood experiences and I get the impression that they regret their experience. I don’t – I realise that it was difficult but I also understand that I PASSED THIS TEST WITH FLYING COLOURS Humans are really good at solving problems and I understand that everyone has their own unique way of managing the situation. In my particular case I’ve learnt that I can withstand lots of PUNISHMENT with no need to defend myself and I actually do very little.
I still remember the incident which indicated that I should DO DREAMS. I was in Art Therapy Class and the Jungian psychologist interpreted a fellow-patient’s Dream. I understood the links between the fellow-Patient’s Dream , the Interpretation of that Dream by the Jungian psychologist AND how I took this fellow-Patient to be.
20 years later I was talking to this fellow-Patient and he told me that he’d been in a coma for 5 days. I WENT STRAIGHT HOME AND GOOGLED Near-Death Experiences!
OUR EXISTENCE IS FASCINATING!
right on! John Pink
Maybe it is too far out for you, but I certainly recommend EFT and TAT has healing modalities. I have personal witnessed trauma healing within 10 minutes. It doesn’t always work that fast, but a way faster then traditional psychotherapy.And about ‘cementing’. If you use these healing techniques the ‘edge’ or the ‘pain’ goes away from the trauma, hence you can see more clearly at the trauma and there won’t be any ‘cementing’. As an example look up EFT for VETS (war veterans). and see how fast their trauma’s healed! Good luck with everything.
Namaste!
Galacar
Before I proceed with my question, I would like to express my gratitude for all the great work you’ve done for the children of the world, and the child within myself. I would consider myself a childrens right’s activist and I’m also a big fan of Stefan Molyneux, and Steven Fransenn/Summerstone was my therapist for a time.
I seem to be stuck in a dilemna of whether to go hitchiking and explore more of the world whilst I’m still young, or get some consistency and qualification, achieve my musical/theatre/acivism career ambitions and maybe go hitchiking later once I’ve got some savings, mental stability and health. My parts are stuck in a heavy dilemna about this, and I am stuck in a state of indecision, unable to commit to ether extreme, moving from place to place with lots of stuff in my car. different parts are attached to different visions for my life…
I currently have very little money, but I have a car and music gear, which if I sold could get me close to 3000 AUD.
Then with just a bag of clothes, and an acoustic guitar. I could then hitchhike around australia wwoofing on organic farms in exchange for food and accomodation. or I could go out and busk and try and make some money with just an acoustic. Seeing more of australia could inspire my songwriting, help reduce my OCD over hygene and my attatchment to my music gear, health suppliments, essential oils, which at times can be a hassle since I tend to float around unable to commit to anything at the moment. I often lose things and it sucks living half out of my car.
I’m still pretty minimalist by conventional standard. I can fit all my possessions in a station wagon. I’ve already explored the countryside and done some wwoofing, I’ve even flown to melbourne twice, lived off busking etc. have I explored enough for now? I’ve always had my music gear with me, which is both my biggest love but also a massive hindrance to lug around… it may feel good to let go for a while, But I’m quite attached to my music gear and dreams. If I hitchike, I might feel like I’m floating around achieving nothing, even if it might be theraputic for a time…
I always end up coming back from my travel adventures running out of money, and have to rely back on my traumatic family or hippie drug using friends.
My main concern with hitching is that I have allergies, and I need a good night sleep.
Staying in hostels, dirty bugalows, and random peoples houses may not be good for my health. I’m also super traumatized, I have an ACE of 10. I tend to be very suggestible to the habits of others… So if I’m hitching with someone who smokes, I’ll probably smoke too.
I will be relying on potentially traumatized people who may bring me into their world, and due to lack of finances, I may have to stay and live with people who I may want to simply run away from…
My teeth are in need of fixing, and I have gut problems and I need to stay away from certain foods. I’ll just have acoustic,no music gear or band. so the songwriting will be limited by the lack of layers in the sound.
If get a consistent job, study for a few months to become a sleep technician (piss easy overnight job where I have plenty of free time to write, produce music, play videogames and do some yoga.
I can get my own super flat up in the hills away from traffic and noise. establish a home recording studio. have all my health supplements and dietary needs in place. get a good doctor and therapist. Get all my indigo velvet suits made (I will only wear my custom made suits), start an 80s night and get an awesome band together, play at jungle love. My Studio, The Perfect Zen healing space.
Then once I have decent savings, some recordings and have done a lot of self work. Then I can hitchike around the world. Only staying in clean, pristine hotel rooms alone. I can find a beautiful part of the world that I think is “perfect”. I can start my own self therapy/healing retreat and invite young soul searchers like myself to come stay and detox from all the trauma of the world.
What do you think? there’s so many more factors and possibilities, parts and considerations that I haven’t yet gone into, but I don’t want to write 100 pages.
Thanks again Daniel,
William Wyatt
Just like you I had fear of contamination, along with many other problems. And I also used to admire Molyneux. Have a look at my YouTube channel (click on my name), the videos from 2017 go into exactly what was causing my problems, along with what helped resolve them. Basically, the work of Peter Levine, Pia Mellody, Stephen Porges, and a few others, and then support from friends and family. I hope this helps you too!
hi william,
i resonate with some of what you write here. i am a 24 year old with musical/activist/art aspirations as well. i am also quite traumatized. i travelled/explored for the past few years since i graduated from college and from my experience i will tell you that for myself, it was something i was making myself do because i thought it was interesting, “the right thing” “good for me” etc… whereas i did not actually enjoy it at all. the only thing i got out of it was the knowledge that it was a bad idea which has now led me to therapy where i am trying to get in touch with the emotions and bodily self i’ve disconnected from my entire life due to my relationships with my parents.
i don’t know you, but i have the sense that you might be in a similar situation. the way you talk about your future plans in such exact detail tells me that you might be planning your life in a kind of ego-oriented way without considering what your body wants and needs.
i would recommend staying in one place and doing self-therapy work. however, i don’t know you and i could be wrong. also, no one can give you advice on these matters. you need to figure out which of your ideas and desires are yours and which came from outside sources and will not actually benefit who you are.
i hope this helps
-seth
Hi Daniel,
Found your youtube videos very insightful. My journey of truth seeking and maturity has been very similar to your own . I looked up your name and it did not surprise me to learn of it’s Hebrew Meaning: The meaning of the name Daniel is: God is my Judge.
I have no idea if you consider yourself “Christian” but it doesn’t really matter because you are a disciple of truth and therefore you *ARE* a disciple of Christ. One does not have to participate in modern Christian institutions to be a follower of Christ . The true body of Christ is found in people who are committed to living a life of growth and truth.
I reside in LI New York and it’s nice to make your acquaintance through YouTube. I appreciate your virtuous nature as a fellow human being so I just thought I’d say hello and send you a high five!
May God continue to guide and bless you.
Warm regards:-)
This sound really good to me. I also like the line ´Create your own religion´. Be free and open to new concepts of living with the Divine. And put them into practise and see how it works out…
Dear Daniel,
I am a mother of a Son diagnosed with substance induced psychosis…….was clean for a year and relapsed once again in MARCH, 2017… We live in Mumbai city in INDIA…….i happen to see your video and looking for therapy for my son in Mumbai…….Can you guide me… he is already under a psychiatrist who insists on conventional therapy…..in fact i had to institutionalize him…..where can i find help in mumbai…who do i go to…..is there someway you can help……..
Hi Daniel, long time fan here, particularly of your films to raise awareness of the far better treatment options than psych meds. I’ve been an occasional critic of some of your views as well.
Here is a mini-series detailing what I learned in healing my childhood trauma:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWbG8BmPWH0
I hope you’ll enjoy it, and I’m interested in any comments you have!
hello i keep been repercented with the same pattern. i suffer from abandant unloved and unwonted. now i am 24 and has happed so many times in y life., i need this childhood trauma healed or its going to keep replaying in my reality now. it has happed again n now in same situation> its bringing this up so i can b healed. now i hasve the conscious awarness what is going on,. but i feel like i dont no what to do next. i am so connfussed. what are my next steps in changing this so i can create a reality with is alined to my higher self ?
Hi Daniel,
What a fresh of air to find your videos by a complete happenstance.
You seem incredibly a gifted human being even with your extreme views of not having children until people healed.
I find you fascinating.
I also came out of one of the worst childhood trauma: spitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, yelling, name calling, brute physical beating…you name it , I had it but yet with a long, honest, deep self-therapy of 20 plus years, I can honestly say I am grounded on planet earth. My spirit was not broken or as you said, I had extremely strong motivation to heal…so strong that being brutally honest with myself did not freak me out…if anything, I love knowing my dark side…and I revel of course on my light side.
You mentioned you live in NYC. I live in Toronto. I was born in Africa. I am visiting NYC with my husband the Easter weekend (Apr 14 to 16)….I am gonna throw it out there…but I would love to meet you…I am free the whole weekend except Sat (April 14, 2017) we have tickets for Sleep No More. I do not know why I need to meet you…but I think just talking to you will be amazing. I do not do this sort of thing. I am not into gurus or crazy retreats. I am a normal person who saw your message and thought wow! If I could just meet this man once …and I already planning of visiting NYC and was surprised you may live there…
I am considering of going to Psychotherapy school…midlife career change (I am 46). I found your videos while I was researching. I have not been to therapy much at all but I feel I like to reach out to people to teach (if I can) how to self-therapy…how to mirror and get out of the loop.
You touched my life…I watched a lot of your videos on YouTube and read a lot of your blogs over the years…I am such in awe of you. All the best to you Daniel. You are gifted and I am not saying that as compliment…just a plain statement.
wow! thanks! wishing you only the best! daniel
Hi Daniel,
I want to thank you for the work you have done with regards to your understanding of childhood trauma and what is required to heal it. I often listen to you video on Denial of the Family System when I need support and reassurance that what I am going through (i.e. pain and grieving) is necessary for me to go through in order to heal. It provides me with the courage I need to continue, and reminds of how to approach my healing process with greater understanding, kindness, patience and opportunities of goodness by practising good self care. Lately, I have been experiencing a lot of pain associated with the neglect that I experienced growing up. I am trying to refrain from medicating myself through the use of sugar and coffee (which seems to take the edge off my pain). I have been well for quite awhile but today the pain was unbearable. It’s incredible to know that this pain has been lying submerged in my unconsciousness for my whole life, and that there was no way I could have endured it as a child. So here I am surrendering tot he fact that I need to grieve my losses of not having my childhood needs met, and also needing for learn how to have these needs meet through myself and other healthy relationships. Would really love to be part of a network associated with your work so that we can support each other through this sometimes gruelling process. Kindest regards….
thank you Frencesca 🙂 wishing you the best. daniel
Hi Daniel, I saw you on a Youtube video and I was profoundly touched to see how caring and courageous you are. Persons like you give me hope that one day all of humanity will be awake and empowered. The conventional behavioral health system is broken by design. As long as Big Pharma and Big Agra (it’s really just one big industry) continue to be allowed by our governments to further their self-interest agenda, we shall have little hope for a free healthy world. But you are right, the change must come from the people, not the professionals. If more professionals provide testimonials, the balance scale will inevitably tip towards justice as the majority (We The People) will rise in true freedom. Keep up the great work and may God always keep you safe and happy!
Hi Daniel, I saw one of your videos in which you said that nobody who is ever truly healing commits suicide a while ago and I have found it helpful through my journey and I thought it was a brave statement to make and probably very accurate, I drew a diagram that I wanted to post but don’t seem to be able of a human trauma cycle and what I think creates suicide….ill see if I can explain it, it’s like a triangle and so bottom left being birth labelled happiness and truth > (going up) parental trauma and false lessons > sadness and depression > dissociation > (at the top) the appearance of ‘happiness’ (then back down) > getting real > sadness and depression > processing of trauma and unlearning of false lessons > happiness and truth. Then arrows diverting as the medical model from the second sadness and depression back to dissociation…Pretty simplistic I know and you may have already something similar in your book I shamefully have yet to read but it’s clear to me that the desperation and confusion of repeating that top section of the cycle is the cause of suicide…I doubt that anyone truly following through with the feelings of sadness and depression to their cause and conclusion ends up this way….anyway hope that made some sense, keep on being awesome, much respect and I hope our paths do cross some day 🙂
Hi Daniel,
I’m hoping you can confirm something for me.
After several years of essentially devoting my life to healing and growth, I’ve come to the realization that many people in the world (who haven’t committed to healing) are operating primarily as false selves/masks, while their authentic selves are completely buried in the unconscious (along with lots of emotional pain from childhood and possibly adolescence).
I’ve also come to realise that in order to reclaim our authentic selves and begin the lifelong journey of growing into who we really, the main thing required is finding ways to feel and process our unconscious pain.
Do you agree?
Jay
I’m doing something similar to what you describe Jay, in terms of devoting myself to healing fully from emotional trauma and growth. I have also come to the similar conclusion as you in that most people are still trapped in various degrees of unconsious emotional pain cycles/patterns. I say this as someone who was also one of those people for many years! I agree 100% with your post and it resonated deeply with me.
Hi Natasha. Thanks for your reply to my comment and for sharing your thoughts and experience. I actually find a lot of solidarity from reading your comment! Knowing that you have reached the same conclusion with regard to people is very affirming for me. So is knowing that you too are walking the path of healing and growth. It’s quite rare that I meet or interact with anyone who has this awareness. Nice to make your acquaintance! 🙂
Thanks for the reply Jay and good to meet you too! Yes it can be a lonely path to tread at times and I’m also glad to interact with someone else on a similar path. I would be interested to disuss in more detail with you what methods you are using etc. I will not put my email address on here due to the nature of it being completely public, but I am happy for it to be passed on to you, if possible, for future correspondence.
Sounds good Natasha. I’d be glad to connect by email. My email is jaysanchezforever@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you! 🙂
Sounds good Natasha. I’d be glad to connect by email. My email is jaysanchezforever@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you! 🙂
Hi Jay, I sent you an email a few weeks ago to this address. If you do not wish to reply that is absolutely fine. I wasn’t sure whether the email got through as I didn’t get a response. I simply wanted to know whether you got the email or not.
My best wishes.
Natasha
Natasha! Thanks for this message. I didn’t see an email from you in my inbox so I assumed you didn’t send one. I’ve just checked my spam and there’s your email!!! I’ll read it and reply asap. Thanks again for this follow-up. Talk soon! 🙂
Happy new year,
I am sharing with joy and hope a new law in France.
Finally, parental educative violence physical and psychological is forbidden by law.
Some scandinavian countries took the lead in 1979…
I am aware about the huge work requested now to apply this law especially for parents. In fact, I witness too often cruelty from parents toward their children.
The book 12 steps from trauma to enlightment is a good way to heal for me. I wonder how to share this with the most french parents as possible?
Cheers,
Arnaud
more details of french about the law link https://www.oveo.org/
good to hear, Arnaud. thank you for sharing this. hmm, i also wonder how to get the message out more — to french people…hmm….i’m not sure. greetings from new york! daniel
I guess Arnaud is a “colleague” of my husband at OVEO, Charles, who also helped on passing this law :-). But I must say, France is really bad among the developed countries in respecting the kids, at the same time, worse than under-developed countries where there are still some good traditions left. Most of the French kids experience severe abandonment at 3-4 months old in their child-care system, as a life starter. It’s quite a nutcase to work on as a population.
I am sharing the update about this law against educative violence, which triger sadness, anger and despair of the little child within me expecting to be rescued by laws and please the autority. In fact the article was censored because state lawyers in charge thought it was not relevant with the main goal of the law which very briefly was to reduce fanatism, terorism temptations of french youngs. Obviously, people in charge are unconscious of the origin of violence. From my experience, the roots of violence are deep in the family, all cruelties from parents to their children.
Anyway, deep change olny come from within…
more details see
https://www.oveo.org/censure-de-larticle-222-de-la-loi-egalite-et-citoyennete-par-le-conseil-constitutionnel/
Daniel,
I recently finished watching all four of your films. Marvelous and beautiful. Thank you so much for creating and sharing them! I have some questions, though.
1) How did you train the ducks to swim just so? ; )
2) How did you have my fluffy orange cat without me missing him? (I notice he wasn’t in Take These Broken Wings, so I imagine you miss him and I’m sorry for that.)
And, most importantly,
3) Where is MY healing home? I have been trying for years to find a residential place in the States that does good trauma healing work and found crap. Any ideas?
Thanks again so much, love!
–Eddy
greetings eddy—-ah, the ducks were wild…but i quacked nicely at them and hope they swim in a good way for the camera. the orange fluffy cat is franklin — and he went to cat heaven five years ago. he was a great cat!!! warm greetings — and i wish i knew where your healing home is…. i am searching for mine too!!! daniel
Thanks so much, dear! I’ll let you know if I do find something. ; )
–Eddy
Hi Daniel,
I just stumbled on your video about psychotherapy. Your insights were so on point, and you immediately struck me as a gifted observer of the human condition. As a survivor of multiple severe childhood traumas, I agree with your thesis that the world is awash in trauma and the echoes of it reverberate through people’s lives and is usually unnamed, unanalyzed, and misunderstood. I also see the pathologies in our culture that perpetuate this cycle of trauma.
Anyway I look forward to exploring your work, but I have one question for you:
What is your take on the rise of the SJW, safe-space, trigger-warning, victim olympics culture among Millennials? I am deeply troubled by the way the left is eating itself and simultaneously committing intellectual mass-suicide. My guess is that this phenomena is directly related to your thesis about trauma; it seems that a lot of middle-class Millennials were raised in such micro-managed environments that they never learned to cope with ego-blows or conflict, as there was always an authority figure nearby to come to their aid. The way they are trampling freedom of speech and thought with the PC speech codes and other more troubling behavior is mind-boggling. The Yale Halloween incident apparently was only a prelude of what was to come…. Anyway I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Best,
Mark
Richmond, Va
hi mark — glad to read your post. hmm, i am not sure what to make of the super politically-correct modern world. personally i am not so called by it, though in some circumstances i can be polite if i fear offending people. for example, i just came back from traveling pretty much off-the-grid for six months in south america, and made my share of faux pas — in ways i never expected. i tried to be careful, though — though sometimes it was just hard, especially in another language…… i think the sentiment behind political correctness can often be good, though i think sometimes it can get blown all out of proportion, especially if it’s mixed up with people’s unconscious hurts from childhood. i didn’t hear about the yale halloween incident, but having gone to a very politically correct college (swarthmore) i got very tired of having my thoughts and speech monitored by people whom i thought were pretty stupid much of the time!!! interestingly, i was in colombia for halloween and went to a halloween party where a light-skinned colombian woman (white? mestizo?) was dressed in blackface. it was the first time in my life i had seen someone go in blackface and i was horrified — even scared. people were taking group photos and i did NOT want my picture taken with her. (my background and history have influenced me…) however, i had friends who are very socially conscious who were with me there — people who fight for the rights of indigenous people, are part indigenous, etc. — and they said dressing in blackface for costume parties is pretty normal in colombia and not considered offensive. also, they said that there are parties and festivals where lots of light-skinned people dress in blackface and where black colombians dress in whiteface — and it’s fun for everyone. that was a surprise. big world we live in, lots of diversity and unique perspective. for me, i think it’s good to get out of the little box and see the world, live in it, learn new languages, make friends out there!! greetings—–daniel
Hi again Daniel,
Thanks for your interesting reply! That’s a fascinating story. I think it goes to show that the so-called regressive left’s constant hyper-sensitivity ought to expand its awareness beyond the confines of the narrow evil western colonialism and American slavery narrative that dominates the conversation.
I will be sure to share this interesting story as proof that blackface isn’t inherently racist. (Recently a law professor was censured for hosting a Halloween party in blackface (btw, that’s such an emotionally loaded term) as an esteemed black medical doctor that was a personal hero of hers. The outrage over this incident was so misdirected and confused as usual.
Anyway, I’d ask that you keep an eye out for this SJW phenomena as a form of collective Munchausen syndrome or M.S. by proxy. The virtue-signalling, the constant outrage, and victim-narratives seem to be an expression of a diseased mentality that’s got to be reflective of some deeper problem with the way we are raising our kids.
Another voice in the battle is Jordan Peterson, who is resisting University of Toronto’s forced use of trans pronouns. I think he stands on the side of free expression and freedom of thought. His assertion that the trans-rights movement is riddled with radical Marxists seems on point to me also.
Anyway, I find it interesting that psychopathology seems to be so prevalent that it creates entire political movements!
Hi Daniel,
I’m a producer for BBC World Service radio’s flagship news programme Newshour (website below)
We are talking to Susie Orbach on Monday, because she has just published the series of short radio plays she made for the BBC (which you can listen to here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b071c4cy) and I’m trying to find another person to come on with her in discussion. So I’m looking for someone with interestingly different, well-informed views on psychotherapy.
I would be very interested in hearing your point of view – but two things could rule this out immediately: 1. you’re not interested and/or 2. you’re in the western hemisphere on Monday, as the only time we can do this is 10:00 GMT.
Is there any chance?
Best wishes,
Lucy
Hello,
I came across a nice song that I think shows perfectly a relationship with a narcissistic mother. I thought I would give the link here, maybe you will enjoy it. It’s from the Disney’s Tangled movie.
Hi Daniel,
i,ve just recive your DVD with your handwriting wishes. I’m happy about it. Thank you very much 🙂
I would like to inform you that you are good known person in Poland. A lot of people watch your movi. I’m psychiatrist and i.ve got a link to your website from my patients and family of them. First i’ve seen was “Open Dialog”. My team (Community Mental Health Team) have gone through a course of it and then we use to practice.
Take those broken wings i bought in purpose to show it during our event concerning The World Mental Health Day. I hope that you will not be against this idea because I found note on your web that: UWAGA: Zdecydowałem się umieścić wszystkie moje filmy na Youtube bezpłatnie, ponieważ chcę się nimi podzielić z ludźmi na całym świecie. W dalszym ciągu można je kupić na DVD, nie chcę jednak, aby pieniądze przeszkodziły komukolwiek w odebraniu przesłania. Niech się upowszechnia rewolucja w sektorze zdrowia psychicznego!.
The show i would like to organize, I would imagine in way like a workshop: with emission and discussion to inspire to reflection. It would be obviously free, no for business.
Would you like to send a few words for participants? I could translate and read them as a letter from you.
😉
Ewa
hi ewa — sorry for my delayed reply!!! (i was just traveling in south america for a while!!) very happy to hear all that you write!! warm greetings from new york city. dziękuję, daniel
Hey i just found a little part of an interview you did 6 years ago with Joanne Greenberg on your Youtube channel. Right now im writing a seminar paper about her book “I never promised you a rosegarden” and wanted to ask if you have more video material of this interview.
I would be very grateful if you could reply.
hi lisa — alas, i just have that little snippet and my movie ´take these broken wings´—-joanne greenberg is a big part of that. if you go to youtube you can find it — it is free there! wishing you the best, and p.s. joanne greenberg is super-cool!! she also has a website http://www.mountaintopauthor.com i think you can send her a message there — though i dont know if she gets them, hmm….. greetings—daniel
Thank you for your answer. Your movie helped me a lot. By the way it was pretty awesome you did a great job producing it. -Lisa
Love your music. So f** true and I can relate so much to it. Thanks for it!
Hello Daniel!! thanks for all your works!!!
Do you think it is normal that I get soo angry when I hear someone talking about psychiatry, or calling the psychological problems as “medical conditions”, or when people label everyone who has a psychological problem as a “sick person” or when people talk about the relation between genetics and depression, even the idea of “diagnosis” make me all very angry when I hear about them. Do you think it is normal for a person who is in a journey inside himself, to feel angry about these stuff?? don’t you think these that these thoughts are totally wrong and totally unhumane and totally different from what the reality of the psyche is, and that it is normal to get angry towards them?? I feel like these thoughts want to make people crazy, take their feelings and humanity from them, they are just like convincing a monkey that they have to eat meat and that mopnkeys don’t have the natural urge to eat bananas, it makes the monkey crazy and lose himself, especially when all the other monkeys are against him!!! I always feel a loooots of peace when I come to your page or read your books, or read anything “real” and humane and not labeling the human psyche as a “scientific matter” and pretend that we understand it by understanding its chemistry!!
well I would like to hear your opinion, and thank you very much!!!
Hi Daniel,
Its really refreshing to see someone with such insight speaking out on these issues, it is an incredibly difficult thing to go deep inside and find truth and begin to flow against the current of family systems and society and an incredibly lonely and arduous process and I commend your bravery. I have personally broken free from my family system and been working inwardly for some years but have found on a larger scale the ‘cult’ of society and mass belief is something I equally need to break from though this is proving to be a little more difficult, I want to break from all these mass concepts that feel so terribly life limiting from money, ownership, religion, all the ideas of relationships, breeding and sex, a multitude of idealizations, mass dissociations and denial, and ultimately I would hope to practice a reversal of the minds desperate need to translate all sensory experience into verbal language, I feel that this desperate translation process stems back most probably to our deepest original trauma of being born to ‘foreigners’, people that do not understand our sensory and emotional native language through deep disconnection of their own child selves and who make no attempt to learn and so begins the process of translation, we forget our own natural language in favor of communication with those whom we are reliant for survival and this I think leaves us very out of touch with ourselves on some deeply profound levels and this perpetual translation driven by such deep sense of desperation is a state in which we live out entire lives. I find it amazing that even within my own mind I communicate in a made up language imposed on me at my earliest life stage rather than my native sensory, emotional language. In practicing letting go of thoughts formulated in this secondary language I feel I can touch the surface of some much more meaningful life experience. I’m studying bush-craft and foraging skills and hoping to locate someone with claim to some land who feels a sense of validity to this type of work. I would love to get enough distance between myself and society to really see the truth of it just as I had to with the family system. Have you on your travels met others distancing themselves from society for these purposes? I feel like there must be groups of people out there working inwardly, have you come across any communities of people dedicated to this kind of work? I would be very interested to hear any thoughts you had on these mass concepts, do you personally struggle with them or have you found a way to make some peace living in these systems and concepts? Do you feel a need to break from society as much as from family systems or do you view them differently? sorry quite a few questions.
Thanks again for your bravery Daniel, not only doing the incredible work you are in your personal life but for putting yourself out there and speaking the truth to a larger audience.
thank YOU gaz 🙂 hmm, breaking from society — well, to be honest society and its damages make me feel sick and sad so often… but…i live in it, and keep exploring it. a tough journey….sometimes i think my job is just to witness how it all unfolds….painfully… daniel
Hello Daniel,
Thanks for your work that gives us some hope.
I also have a son diagnosed wiyth psychosis and would need your support to contact in Bs As, Argentina, someone who knows or is appliyng this type of therapy.
I really appreciate your answer in this sense.
Best regards and thanks.
Hello Mariana, I am from Brazil, can you please tell me if in Argentina you know of a program like the one in Sweden? If not, let’s form one?
Hello Daniel
I am glad to have found your site. I must say that your perspectives are helping me a lot and I find them very useful, but of course I have too much work to do in order to recover from my childhood trauma and growing spiritually. Unfortunately, I am at this very moment stuck in a difficult situation, regarding the oppression of the family and society system, and I hope to come out of it someday. Of course I may be wrong, but sometimes I think that my country (specifically, Spain) is very conservative and family-oriented, and thus makes it harder for someone to identify children abuse and to make difficult decisions such as burning bridges. Never been to the US or Canada, so obviously I cannot speak empirically, but I assume that confronting “toxic” families (and even calling them by this name; could it even be a quasi-pleonasm?) is never an easy decision in any society of the world, whether it is, generally-speaking, more individualistic or collectivist.
Best regards and keep on the good work (by the way, excuse my English grammar mistakes).
After reading: Therapy Without Force: A Treatment Model for Severe Psychiatric Problems it is clear that you have no idea how inpatient psych really works and the risk involved. I see that article as a tremendous disservice to the people we treat.
I am glad to see that you are working on trauma issues, and I look forward to familiarizing myself with that work.
Just saying.
Brooke Cooper LICSW
hmm, cant say i agree, especially considering the people who published it originally—mindfreedom.org—have quite a little bit of experience inside of mental hospitals themselves…and know what theyre talking about. but thats an aside. i hope we can just agree to disagree. hope you find some value in the rest of my work—daniel
Hola Daniel,
Soy Alejandra, vivo en Buenos Aires, Argentina. Me gustaría saber si venís a nuestro país para dar tus charlas. Yo también deje las pastillas psiquiátricas porque me hacían sentir mucho peor, lo hice sola fue muy duro, ademas de sufrir abuso por parte de mi ex psiquiatra. Espero tu respuesta. Saludos.
Dear Dan,
I am a Social Worker from an Early Intervention in Psychosis Service based in Wandsworth, London (UK).
I have seen your documentary regarding Open Dialogue and I was very impressed. It really helps to shed light on this wonderful new approach!
As you may be aware we in the UK are trying to promote the Open Dialogue approach as much as possible. And many of my colleauges would love to see this approach implimented in our services. As part of trying to raise the profile of Open Dialogue and promote the approach amongst people in our area, we would like to have an Open Dialogue evening, part of this will include people speaking about Open Dialogue who are already attempting to impliment it here. We would also like to show the doucmentary that you made, but we wanted to get your permision before doing so. Would that be okay with you? And also do you think it would be best to use the film as it is on Youtube? Or for a larger screening would it be better to use a version with higher digital quality.
Thanks for any help your able to give.
Kind Regards,
Joe Jackson
Hi Daniel,
Some time ago I bought and read your book on separating from your parents, and found it really interesting.
I’ve become critical of psychotherapy over the years, and befuddled by the fact that so many people cling to the notion that therapy is effective, rarely, if ever admit that it can be damaging, and state that if it doesn’t work for someone, it must be because the client doesn’t have the right attitude. I’ve also been befuddled by how people can be stuck in therapy for decades and yet proclaim loudly how independent they are and how well therapy is serving them, when to me they seem to have been broken down to the status of children.
I returned to your book a little while ago, and that’s when the light bulb went on for me. Reverence for the psychotherapeutic profession is like a widespread case of transference occurring at the societal level. People identify with the ‘parent’ (therapist) and blame the ‘child’ (client) for failed therapy. People believe in the power of therapy much like they want to believe in their parents. This is how therapy persists in spite of a glaring evidence gap for it being of much use in so many cases.
It seems to me that almost any relationship which replicates a parental one, or, as in the case of therapy, fetishises and elevates it, will be met with support because it taps into that deep seated need in every human creature to find a safe mother or father figure.
Thanks for the writing and videos you’ve done. They’re awesome. I hope you do more.
Hello likeminded person. My mind is a little blown finding your works and your philosophies as I am a practicing clinical supervisor and licensed professional counselor who has recently ‘come out’ as a survivor of complex, compound trauma. I’ll be speaking at a conference this Fall on resilience-as myself.
Currently I’m writing anonymously due to agency policies-I’m still happy to be doing the work, despite all the faults in our service delivery, but there is so much opportunity for growth and change. I’ve been advocating for trauma-informed care within my organization while simultaneously writing my own big, bold truths-and then I found your work.
I loved reading all the comments of people who thank you for being a fresh and honest voice-it validates the need for transparency from mental health care providers. We are a nation in need of an emotional education. Maybe I’ll see you in the teacher’s lounge 🙂
greetings!! thanks for your comment ruth-anne—–daniel
Dear Daniel,
when I told my husband about your website today, his thrilling comment was: “And he is alive, man!” We’re so glad to know that we’re not the only ones sharing and living the exact same beliefs you unfold on your website. Your work is impressive. But most of all: It is important.
Last week, I went window-shopping. I headed for my favorite book store downtown and made an unbelievable discovery. Alice Miller’s works had appeared in the psychology section right at eye level! Highlighted even! It totally made my day. I wish I had come to know her sooner. It was not until September last year that I could find my deepest feelings printed in black and white. And it was not until today that I found you.
To me the whole desaster is not about blame at all. I do understand my parents and just because I do, I can’t be with them anymore. Actually, I never wanted to. I don’t love them. But I don’t hate them, either. I don’t even believe it’s their responsibility to make a change themselves because they can’t. They can’t process this and even if they could, they wouldn’t want to. And they wouldn’t want to because they couldn’t understand why they should. They are irreversibly shattered ever since they had been children. The happy childhood they were able to imagine for me included a “happy” that could never be enough for me in order to become a healthy adult.
They did the best they could which wasn’t best for me, but they will never understand. It’s just so sad and pisses me off at the same time. I’m sorry for them in a way, but most of all I’m sorry for myself. I was the one to suffer from a severe psychosis, I was the one to go through a personalized hell of painful feelings, I was the one to face and bear the thruth. I was the one to walk away. Even though they were the ones who abandoned me as a child in the first place. This is the sickest part of all.
Nevertheless, I am grateful. I can see. And I really want to make this world a better place. Just like you do.
KeppKeep up the great work!
Love from Germany
thank you!!! and greetings from patagonia in argentina!! i am down here hitchhiking in the winter. cold but lovely… daniel
Wow I really connected with what you wrote here, sounds like our stories are very similar. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing this and I know how it feels so hang in there!
Dear Daniel,
Your candid words balm the soul and your explanations of how you have learned to heal lift the spirit.
You have cited in your videos the importance of the singularly unique and eye- and heart-opening work of Alice Miller (with caveats) and perhaps Carl Rogers and D.W. Winnicott. (I know it’s not about the individual theorists but their contributions to wellness that is of the greatest import, as few clear-sighted folk would discount all the contributions of Freud though he was, in addition to other things, a startling misogynist and regrettable classist). However finding those shining humanist lights (like the pioneer Alice Miller and the more recent work of Gabor Mate) who have or are in the main embodying wellness does prove inspirational and accessible for those yearning for healing.
Could you provide other wellness writers who have both influenced you in the past (on your journey to healing from abuse/neglect/abandonment) or the present and who you see as perhaps moving into positive directions (i.e. nature therapy/narrative therapy)?
Deepest thanks for your contributions to wellness, wishes of sustained growth on your journey of self-exploration and in your recovery of the true self and kindest regards to you.
hi mark
greetings and thank you. hmm, i think fred timm has probably influenced me the most next to alice miller. he has a lot of good writings and is also a friend, so that helps!!! his website is http://www.visionaryman.net aside from that i have been helped along the way by a lot of novels. i have read a ton in my life…probably none are so direct as alice miller, but in there own little ways many and many have inspired me…to travel, seek, explore, get to know the world, strive…. sending you warm greetings from south america, where i presently am—daniel
Where in South América?
Hi Daniel,
Wondering if you can help with any contacts for psychiatrist or good programs in Australia? My husband is having delusions, refusing medication or anything at the moment but he is definately not into medication but it seems urgent I get him help.
Any suggestions would be welcome.
Thanks so much. Sam
Gabor Mate is wonderful, his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is an incredibly compassionate exploration of the way childhood trauma leads to addiction. There’s a lot of great podcasts with him out there as well. I also recently read Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery, it’s a classic and I suspect much of it would be in line with the kind of ideas on this website. Also, a while ago I really got into Stefan Molyneux, his libertarian stuff turns me off but he’s got some fascinating podcasts on the effects of childhood trauma and the ways people become trapped by corrupt family dynamics.
Hi Daniel,
I make it short, don’t know if you want to answer this: My therapist tends to get sleepy during the session. All in all, she’s not bad, and things were developing in a right direction, I feel, but her regular sleepiness makes me question if I should look for another therapist?! She says it’s because of my suppressed anger (she writes that in her book too!), but I’m not sure about it. She gets sleepy almost every session….
Best wishes
hmm….i would trust your instincts on this on, and not trust hers!! sorry to be so direct, but i dont like it that she gets sleepy and then blames you for it. i mean, everyone has repressed anger, and it’s normal to be annoyed at a therapist who gets sleepy a lot during sessions… i would be bothered by that. but maybe you can talk about all this more directly with you. if she’s getting sleepy in session with you i would guess there’s a fair amount she’s not saying. i mean, i dont really know what is going on, but its just a hunch… all the best, daniel
Hi Daniel!
I hope you’re keeping well.
I have a question for you if that’s okay:
What are your thoughts on the subject “blame” when it comes to healing from trauma?
I seem to recall you discussing it either in your videos, articles, or books – but I can’t remember which.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
Regards,
Conor
I was really impressed with your youtube video you describe the issues very well. I also sent a copy to my ex he probably won’t listen to it but hey, worth trying…anyhow well said about the childhood issues most people don’t want to face due to the fact basically they are brainwashed by the desire of the parent not allowing them to have a voice. It is very deep. Like with my ex, he thinks his mother’s opinion is his opinion, but it might not be. It is a good way to do things to look at it as the original child. We create the false self in order to survive. I agree that dreams are very important. I def. never say ‘this was just a dream-meaningless, it always has meanings and messages in it. Great what you do!
I am wondering if anyone or if YOU replied to the last comment I posted. If yes, HOW do I retrieve those responses, because I haven’t gotten any.
I need to know if there is a Healing Home place/places -preferably in southern CA, that take into account both childhood trauma and ethnicity of individual, diagnosed with Schiz., who has been only on Risperdal Consta for last 11 years. Reason, adamantly refusing to take any other meds, says “they are ALL bad and don’t like what they do to my memory.” Person also has been experiencing severe unusual sensory experiences -bed being shaken at night, walls being banged, eyes being pressed into mattress when trying to fall asleep; negative & mean people saying things -“They” KNOW where ever I go and whatever I do, “They” use it against me. States difficulties in the following: “Can’t breath at night -but no obvious signs of breathing difficulty; Clothing, sheets, towels, etc, “replaced; being poisoned by staff; filtered water has laxative in it & gave me severe stomach cramps and caused swollen stomach”;
People are saying “you will die tonight”; Insomnia; “Can’t move hands and arms at times, especially at night” -fears death while sleeping; Shadow of right hand is a major problem in the sun; etc “Staff at facility are all in collusion -can’t talk to them. Reason: “Unable to defend myself due to chemical castration, at last faciitly” etc.
For the most part “not comfortable ANYWHERE in the place of residence -stays in room -which is devoid of anything, anywhere,..Refuses to accept anything, like radio for comfort. (However DID accept a plant, which “will help with my breathing”)
FEARS SEEING DOCTOR,..”can’t stand the word. They just want to give me more medication.. and make me even worse!!”.
Daniel,
A place is needed WHERE ONE CAN GET THE HELP NEEDED TO HEAL.
Where might such a place be? . Note: Individua age, only 31, highly intelligent, wants desperately to have have a bright and happy future, but all he can think about now is being “raptured”, and going to heaven where he can “get away from the torment here on earth”. I want him on earth…not in heaven. He is my son. I love him dearly and want him to be happy -on earth NOW. Twelve years of torment is enough for anyone.
Thanks for your consideration in replying and for letting me KNOW your response or anyone that has a positive reply,
i actually replied to your other post. the link is here: http://wildtruth.net/dvd/brokenwings/#comment-3020
–daniel
I wish we could talk to each other I’m trying to get some great people together you would be very important to this group maybe you could email me if this is getting through thank you
Hi Daniel,
I found your film Coming Off Psych Drugs (doing a search related to my own “coming off”) and it is amazing. I have watched it several times; it is comforting and motivating and inspiring. I am fortunate to have good support, but if I didn’t (and even though I do) the film almost makes me feel part of this retreat, this community.
I once put together a one-minute video and it took an hour!! So I can only imagine how much work went into making this amazing film. I will either buy the DVD or more likely make a donation to your site and keep watching the film on YouTube. Thank you so much.
thanks 🙂 and greetings——-daniel
Hi Daniel,
I stumbled across your work through the wormhole of the Interwebs – the closest link being Will Hall. I have begun the process of tapering down the meds and have begun a journal. I’m nervous but I have a good support network and shit loads of hope 😉
Thanks for all the work you do. It resonates with me greatly.
More essays and videos please :)))
Cecilia
–wishing you the best!!
daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for making your experience and understanding available. I appreciate the time and effort you have lent as a contribution to our collective.
I am especially grateful to have found another voice echoing the concerns I have carried yet didn’t have my own words for. As I began my journey to becoming a therapist a strong urging grew withing me that I might be more effective in helping others heal if I abandoned formal training and embraced a more sincere and less hard science approach.
After going through the majority of your material, I have a few questions for you. I’ve been encouraged by your journeys and am myself inspired to manifest the same in my own life. I’m curious, have you considered offering your talent for communication with clients to those who wish to participate in therapeutic relationships from a different approach than is available in the traditional setting?
We have established that there is a problem with our current form of popular clinical therapy, yet I know deeply, within my core, that the need for therapy-related services are relent now more than ever. Have you entertained any solutions that you can participate in as an educator? How do you feel about stepping beyond presenting the issues to participating in lending towards solution?
I’m moving forward and would love to learn from you in the aspects that you appreciated and found value within your years as a therapist.
Thank you,
Alisa Burnham
hi alisa,
greetings and thank you for your comment. i definitely like the idea of contributing ideas of value…. hmm, although i did work “in” the system in some ways, in many ways i did not — especially when i was in private practice. that’s where i found my work to be of the most value in being useful to others. i also have made some films about alternate forms of the therapy that were/are/have been useful to others……mostly others going through that thing called psychosis. not sure if you’ve seen them, but they’re less a critique of the present system and more an offering of healthy viable alternatives, some that are pretty different. (open dialogue and healing homes are two of those films) as for returning to being a therapist…..i don’t think it’s for me…..though in some ways i still retain some aspects in my life of being a healer….it’s just part of who i am. however, i’m all for self-healing, self-therapy……i think it’s so under-explored and under-utilized……just takes a lot of work. i’m curious what kind of work you do. wishing you the best——–daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for your generous response. I regret that I didn’t see this sooner, my lack of Internet skills has caught up with me.
Yes, I am very familiar with the majority of your work. I have watched your films, read your written word, watched your various YouTube videos and listened to your music. After “hanging out” with you and making myself familiar with the work you’ve shared I felt compelled to contact you. Your approach towards the sensitivity of others has resonated with me. I feel as though you have a gift of speaking to others in a way that allows them to feel safe enough to share.
My work as a freelance research/writer along with my unique individual life experience has carried me on a colorful path. My current research work involves metaphysics and spirituality (understanding the dynamic between the divine feminine and masculine) as an intuitive.
I stay grounded and relevant by constantly making myself familiar with the works of other great minds in the field of psychology and therapy as well as spirituality.
Through my work I have become convinced that I don’t know anything. Actually I do know one thing, that we all desperately need each other. Meanwhile, our capability to communicate and be available to others is fading at a time when we need it most.
I sense that people like me, those of us who currently work with clients (performing therapy as an art form) could benefit from a gift I believe you have. I appreciate your consideration of others and your delivery of information. I respect the role clinical, scientific therapy plays in our society today, but I know it can also be performed as an art form, as an alternative. There is a lack of educators willing to travel down this creative and possibly controversial path. But I believe we are desperate for a more satisfying drink. Specifically, I’m curious if you’d be interested in teaching effective communication to other practitioners as an art form?
Thank you for making yourself available to others.
Alisa Burnham Foy
foyalisa@gmail.com
hi alisa — hmm……teaching others. i guess i’d be into it, but it would be a question of context. i wonder what context i might work in…. i have trouble imagining a school hiring me (i’ve never had any luck with a grad school offering me work), and freelance….hmm…….i’m not sure. but maybe someday. it would interest me, yes…. greetings, and thanks for this nice message——-daniel
Hi Daniel! I thank you for your wonderful website which provides me a sence of hope and clearence of my life journey. I have 2 questions:1-Are meditation, music(peaceful one) and spending time with nature helpful for healing our psyche?(I mean when we focus them on our selves and emotions, not onto delusional spiritual feelings)?….2-Do you know anything I can refer to, to heal my body from the results of extreme psychiatric medication for 4 continuous years? I wish you the best and hope that we all of us meet someday when we become better creatures
nice to hear, ali, thank you. well, meditation, music, and being in nature have all helped me. probably music and nature more, but i do meditate some…..though i think it can be misused (to dissociate). about healing from psych meds, well, i would check out http://www.madinamerica.com and also http://www.recoveryfrompsychiatry.com, also, http://www.beyondmeds.com all the best——daniel
thank you very much!! and there is something VERY VERY IMPORTANT that you made me realise after I thought deepely of all what you wrote, wich is the difference between the peace of healing, and the fake peace of dissociation and the fantasies that I create when I imagine a fake and peaceful world which is full of love and delusional stuff and I dissociate my traumas in them, and live in it that world(especially after listening to emotional music which I decided to stop listening to it, because it is really delusional), and the same idea applies to meditation. I think meditation should be used to think deepely about our traumas and imagine we’re holding them in our hands and becoming the master of them who chooses to control them and consciously make them become “true”. You don’t know how much you’re helping me, I wish to show it to you someday. Thank you!!
Hey Daniel,
I am planning on getting off my medicine (abilify, fluoxetin and valporat-‘accid’), and I was researching a lot coming across your youtube video ‘healing psychosis.
I would really be grateful if you could give me some tipps or anything of information or further books i can read in preperal of my further process.
thanks so much for putting up information, furthermore, it’s nice seeing that there are people being so truthful to themselves making you be able to get to such conclusions 🙂
Lieben Gruß!
Annette
hello annette — greetings! here are some links for you to check out. the first is in german: http://www.willhall.net/files/HarmReductionLeitfadenzumrisikoarmenAbsetzenvonPsychopharmaka2EdOnline.pdf
then: http://www.madinamerica.com
then: http://comingoff.com/
and: http://recoveryfrompsychiatry.com/
and if you want to watch my film on coming off psych drugs it’s here, though not subtitled in german yet: http://wildtruth.net/dvd/psychdrugs/
one theme i’m sure you’ll find in these links is coming off SLOWLY, and going one drug at a time. depending on how long you’ve been on the drugs it might take a while…. wishing you great strength!!
daniel
thanks so much!
o
Hi Annette,
If you unterstand german, you could find some usefull Davies on the Website of the German Society of Social psychiatry:
http://www.dgsp-ev.de/neuroleptikadebatte.html
They are working a lot in this field. I am part of the work group Psychopharmaka. You can contact me too, If you want…
Yours
Andrea
Hm. Sorry. Autocorrection. Informations – Not “Davies”…
thank you!! and yes i also understand german 🙂
Hi Daniel. I read a post on here for finding support for med withdrawal in Melbourne, Australia. I am in a similar boat and would be very grateful if you know anyone who can help in this part of the world.
Kind regards, John
hi john — i don’t know anyone specific in melbourne, but i noticed on that post (it’s under the page on my film “coming off psych drugs”) someone who does help with tapering in sydney replied. here’s the thread: http://wildtruth.net/dvd/psychdrugs/#comment-2027
wishing you the best!!
daniel
and i would suggest replying on that thread — and maybe you can also connect with the folks in melbourne. they might have more info now that they’ve been searching a while. helps to not have to reinvent the wheel!! –daniel
Good thinking! thanks mate.
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re keeping well.
I’ve just published a video titled “how keeping a journal can change your life” on my YouTube channel. Perhaps you or anyone who reads this might like to check it out.
My reason for posting it here (apart from raising awareness of my video/channel!) is that you have been one of the main people who influenced me to keep a journal for personal growth. Through your videos and books (and the handful of messages we’ve exchanged) I see you as a mentor. My study and observations of you also helped inform several of the points I make in the video.
Here’s a link if you or anyone else would like to watch it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUg-JyAbDtI
Thanks!
Conor
Thank you for your comprehensive reply. I feel responsible for vetting false/weak ideas that produce false hope and your points are well heard.
I think my next step is to tell him about the video and let him read this set of messages. If he is not ready to consider the implications made in the video or he wants to do his own research that would be understandable and your reply provides much information which will benefit his personal, targeted research.
Thank you again.
Warm regards,
Beck
cool beck — all the best to you both—–daniel
Hi Daniel , here Jeremy, a careful reader and viewer of your publications , I am 24 years old and I was diagnosed schizophrenic for two years , I am followed by a good psychiatrist who has prescribed me of Abilify , but for me it is a solution in the medium term . I am interested in the progress of psychiatric medicine , you talk about structure in Lapland , which has trained staff to this new therapy , the Open Dialogue . Is there similar structures closer to France, and if not, is it possible to make a stay in this hospital , In order to stop this medicine too heavy which is the abilify ?
Thank you and keep up the blog, many people listen to you
Best regards
Jérémy
hello jeremy — hmm, unfortunately i don’t know any really good stuff going on in france. i wish i did!! and as for visiting finland to stay in their hospital, unfortunately their services are only for finnish citizens who happen to live in their local area….. wishing you strength on your journey — and thank you for your comment. daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thank you for your answer on Jeremys very good question. It helped me. It is also a fine documentary I hope to watch completely tonight, with my parents. I can see therapy of Open dialoge is one solution in my case as a brother
(im 27), to a younger sister with the condition, much alike Jeremys. We live in Sweden though. The system of healthcare is depends much on three entities, the Landsting, Municipality, and State. However, the system has its flaws, partly because of bureacracy with the Landsting and cost-mindset without funds from the state. Having said that, my sister suffers from schizofrenia and psycosis according to the doctors here. Therefore, have been thoughts that my sister should attend the open dialogue, maybe during the summer in Finland, somehow. I understand from this, that we cannot, but I will look into this therapy more now.
Forgive me my english is poor sometimes… Kind and many regards,
Sven
dear sven, greetings. i am not sure where you are in sweden, but i made a documentary in gothenburg — and actually have it (and two of my other films) subtitled in swedish if you want. but the program i filmed in sweden is in many ways better than open dialogue in finland. here’s the film about it: http://wildtruth.net/dvdsub/sv/homes/ if you like the film and want me to put you in contact with them i could do that. they do fantastic work and are simply good people too. (they also know people all around sweden, not just gothenburg.) i’ve spent quite a bit of time in sweden, actually. (and when i’m there i start speaking swedish, though not very well 🙂 ). anyway — greetings. daniel
Hi Daniel! I emailed you a while ago about therapy issues. I’ve decided to hang in with my therapist. I just found out my liver is end stage and I need that support.
I’ll continue reading and watching your videos as they have opened my eyes to where I know what I need and want from therapy.
I thought being cured from Hep C four years ago was a done deal. Truth is it destroyed my liver over 25 years.
It has given me an urgency to find peace like never before. Isn’t it strange that it would take a terminal disease to realize how precious time is.
I’m very grateful to have found your website.
It brings me comfort. Please keep inspiring other folks as you have done me.
In gratitude…
Diane Conklin
Diane,
wow — that’s intense. life sure throws some real curve balls…… thank you for your message, and i’m wishing you STRENGTH AND VISION on your journey forward. i sense your journey is an inspired one. gratitude back to you, daniel
Thanks on your quick answer! Y es I believe my family enables him, me too maybe, only I don’t live with him and my parents, I’m being the bad guy lately, my mom gets stressed and sad, my dad doesn’t want to see… It is complicated, sometimes I want to punch him in the face, sometimes I get really scare when thinking about his future, sometimes I’m just as sad as my mom, but lately I’m mad, and I don’t have enough energy…then I feel really guilty… He’s a very sweet guy, and loves my children , I try to be here for him as much as I can, but maybe it’s not my role… I would like to understand him, to see things From his point of view… I’m too structured maybe…
Thanks so much for reading and for helping so much…. I think yoga could help… I may turn him to it…
Thanks!!!
Hi Daniel;
It’s been a while since I wrote to you, but follow the posts here, and still feel like we are at square one, muy brother had a good yeat, but as the end came, he started again feeling …not good, the problemas is he doesn’t want help, he’s convinced he is not ill, and the truth is he gets everyone really tired, mad sad … My mom is always down… That makes me really sad/angry, and also tired, what to do? i know you can’t give me a magical solution, I want him to be happy, I want him to finish studying, or to decide he wants to work, but DO something!
Any advice? Maybe there are some strategies to help him… Here there is no open dialogue…. Only drugs… And traditional psychiatry….and he’s not going to take Any…
What do you think about yoga? Or mindfulness?? I’m starting to loose it….
Thanks
hi Mar,
well, if he doesn’t want help then that kiboshes most of the best ideas anyone might have…. all the ideas in the world might be great, and are to many people (mindfulness, yoga, open dialogue, therapy, whatever), but if a person isn’t interested in them then no one can force them to do them…. these situations are always so complex. a few things i might challenge you with (in the spirit of hopefully being useful): that he’s ill….and that he doesn’t recognize that he has an illness. i wonder what he thinks he’s going through, or how he conceptualizes it. maybe he conceptualizes his experience in a way that is more useful to him (and perhaps more realistic) than illness. illness….can be such a demoralizing way to look at a situation….maybe a different way of looking at it (whatever it is) might be more helpful? also: sometimes parents/families enable people. i’m not saying you’re enabling him, but maybe he’s not in a position where he has to make any changes — or maybe making changes is scarier than just doing whatever he’s already doing (or not doing). but i do often see families who enable their family members who get labeled with the problem. also, maybe others in the family can seek help for themselves if he’s not interested in it. sometimes one person in the system changing can change the whole system in unexpected ways. perhaps you’ve already considered all this….but i figured i’d just chime in a little….. daniel
Hi. We’re from Mexico and we’re doing a project for cultural and arts sector and is a project of antipsychiatry theme. In April we will start with a permanent exhibition of antipsychiatry. The exhibition is called: “Analectics release.” We begin with a performance of art utilitarian object (Souvenirs) And in turn, give talks and lectures in the history of antipsychiatry, development, growth, today’s antipsychiatry and how is, of those thoughts that gave the initiation and training in their movement, thoughts: postmodernist and poststructuralist twentieth century.
We’re dedicated to the visual arts, but we’re in the antipsychiatry 20 years ago (Biomnémica) Know the dark side of psychoactive drugs, the marketing of psychopathology, etc.
do you have a link to post?
your ideas are refreshing and affirming.
we are all on the one planet, love and compassion and hope can bring great change.
thanks!
el me puedes indicar un contacto, correo electrónico para comunicarme con un Psiquiatra de filandia programa diálogo abierto. Es para un familiar que vive en Noruega. gracias.
hola gloria,
voy a escribirte un email privado — pero no pienso que las personas en finland peuden leer español…
daniel
….oh yes, unfortunately he can not take a plane = fly (gets panic attacks, is just too unwell) otherwise i would send him to Finland for the Open Dialog program…
barbara
Hi Daniel
sooo refreshing listening to your youtube talks and short films you made !! they confirm what i have been thinking all along. i am so glad i found you.
I have been put under so much pressure to act against my intuition and put my son (24) into hospital, who is suffering from ‘schizophrenia’ as a result from childhood traumas. he has been very very unwell for quite a few years and has been hospitalised a few times without any positive results, more the opposite – it traumatised him even more and he refuses ‘professional’ help/ medication since these admissions (i would too) do they think ‘popping the magic pill’ is a solution ???
do you know anything or anyone in australia/sydney who does ‘alternative’ treatments for psychosis??? i am very desperate to help my son. i have been looking after him for years but need help from someone. thank you so much.
barbara
hi barbara — off the top of my head….i can’t think of anyone specific in sydney, but you might start with ISPS in australia — http://www.isps.org.au. also the hearing voices network australia: http://hvna.net.au/ the people in those groups, if you can connect with them, would know local folks (both professional and so-called peer) who might be helpful. also, i think staying local is usually best. going halfway around the world usually isn’t a great idea anyway, in my experience…. wishing you the best!! daniel p.s. i went to melbourne uni for a semester in 1993, studied zoology and traveled all around australia then…
Barbara,
Check out Paris Williams at Mad in America. He’s From Australia, but more importantly think about the fact that Skype is an excellent tool to communicate with psychologist nowadays. you can have a lot of sessions through that medium.
Hey Daniel,
Happy New Year my friend. I hope you’re keeping well (same goes for everyone who reads this comment!) I’m just writing to let you know that I recently published a video on my YouTube channel titled “What is Personal Growth?” In it, I give a pretty comprehensive breakdown of what the term “personal growth” means to me. Perhaps you or some of your readers might like to check it out. Here’s a link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SD4TcdmyQ_s
Best wishes,
Conor
Hi Daniel,
I am very interested in your writings since I discovered it 2 days ago. 🙂 I also bought your book and red it all to have an idea of it, and find more ideas to go on with my own process. (I’m not really a step by step following person). And I would like to talk to you about it.
I would prefer to contact you in private, but I couldn’t find any contact link, so I share it here.
All your theories are making sense with what I have experienced myself. The text of what is a good shrink, the video “broken wings” and many articles of you, it touched me, cause it goes were I’m going, and it’s very hard to find people that are real adventurers of the Self on that earth.
I am in a process of finding myself in a conscious way for 5 years now.
Before, in a way, I was searching for it too…But I didn’t know I was searching for my inner truth, I was just hoping to cure of my depressions and intrusives flashbacks and thoughts, I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, despite many therapies and psychologics and spiritual readings.
I have tried everything, even going to a jungle to take ayahuasca, a powerful drug that breaks all your defenses and makes you access to your trauma in the hard way. But then, again, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I just wanted to get rid off my horrible state.
Then, I discovered Alice Miller and she changed my life forever. I can say she saved me. In fact, only a sentence that I found on a website was like an electroshok.
She said: “This is not a homecoming, since this home has never before existed. It is the creation of home.”
I could describe it like a powerful wave of some healing water on my brain, and I my heart was beating so hard, I was thinking “That’s it, that’s it!”
Then I started to cry and grieve for 10 days without stopping. Staying in my bed and grieving. I lived experiences of my childhood that didn’t even remember, like it was happening right now.
Then, I went on reading more and more, and discovered that what I was doing was primal, as Arthur Janov describe it very well.
I have made the decision to go farer and farer in that direction. Going for my truth. I was allready not talking to my family on my father’s side (included my father), and then I decided to break with my mother, and little by little, with the whole family, in order to follow what was the best for me.
Taking distance with all of them was the best decision ever. I was scared at first that I would regret it. But it was the opposite. I discovered that their toxicity was poisoning my blood for years, and the result was like for a desintoxication: I was feeling better and better, more joyful, allowed to act like they would never agree, and also allowed to feel everything, free to feel, free to be.
For me the cure process doesn’t follow at all the steps you are advising in your book, despite I understand it.
It helps me with the questions, so I an go deeper.
But there are things that I want to say, cause I don’t think it’s possible to really cure with the behaviors advises.
For example:
“It is easy to revert to old attitudes and
behavior. Often we do this in subtle and
insidious ways. For this reason we continue
to monitor the events of our day…”
I don’t agree with that. As my experience teached me, the old attitudes are naturally desappearing as you don’t need to use it. The attitudes that you talk about, are defenses of your body against the old trauma imprinted in our body cells. Once we grieved the trauma, it’s gone. THe body doesn’t need to act like this anymore. We don’t have to be careful of not having the behaviors, we just don’t feel like doing it.
For example, before, I was smoking a lot. I could empty a packet of cigarettes in a party night. Not mentioning the fact that I was drinking a lot. To relieve the pressure of the traumas inside me.
But now that I have grieved this traumas, I just don’t like to drink or smoke. I don’t have to make any effort not to do it.
So I am not at all in thoses theories of “going out comfort zones”, cause comfort is the zone I was when I was drinking and smoking, comfort is still the zone I am now without doing it.
I think that self-therapy can be a good help, or a good start, but the thing is that the repressed feelings and traumas doesn’t go out by deciding it. It has to be lived completely, deeply, in order to free the body of it. And the problem of defenses, is that they foil the process, by making you believe that you are grieving, while you are going in a more comforting place in your brain, to cry instead of be scared, and relieve a pressure like a masturbation of the brain, instead of really going deep.
And even today, whereas my process is advanced, and that I am very able to know when I don’t go in the right direction, I need from time to time, someone to push me in it, cause my body just don’t want to go there, never ever.
Also, you are talking about “finding someone that is enlightened enough” to understand you and your process. For me, that’s called a shrink…Cause no friend can be enlightened enough so he or she wants to follow you in your own process. Everyone has to deal with it’s own traumas, and even people that want to be helpful cannot play the free shrink for you.
Also, you are aware that there are people without any friend, absolutely isolated, and doing a self-therapy could harm them more than helping them? There are people who access to some very painful feelings and without help, they are suffering so much that they better want to kill themselves, than having to stand it.
I think this document is more for stable people, who are not isolated, knowing something about the process, so they won’t jump out the window when they will access to a memory of rape or murder.
I was thinking for a long time to write a self-therapy book, as I thought I cured myself alone.
But I have to recognize that even if Alice Miller gave me the key to finally open an allready very used door, I had many therapists and “helping witnesses” that supported me for years.
Even after, while I was grieving most of time by myself, I regularly ask to differents therapists to help me go when I have a difficult recovery that happens.
I would really, really enjoy to meet you and to talk with you. Too bad, I was in New York or the first and only time in my life just 2 months ago. 😀 If you travel to France, I would be glad to be in touch with you.
Have a nice time!
Hi Daniel
I have had psychosis for the past year and now on medication. I have seen you uploaded videos on people who were recovered from schizophrenia without medication. My question is how are they dealing with relapses by taken off their meds? I’m from Australia and am looking support group that help me recover without medication. I wonder if you have any information i could follow.
greetings Manus. hmm — some people have no relapses. others have really intense ones — though often it is drug withdrawal. you’d probably like my film “coming off psych drugs” — you can find it on my website. it’s on youtube for free. also, i would recommend the website http://www.madinamerica.com — and maybe through there you can get connected with some like-minded folks in australia…. wishing you the best! daniel
Hi Manus,
I commented on Daniel’s thread a very long time ago so I am always “dinged” when someone else makes a comment. I hope you don’t mind that I chime in here.
There are two communities of think that I’m aware of that offer non-medicating assistance (and are both voice affirming if that’s something you feel would be helpful to you): Hearing Voices and Internal Family Systems.
Hearing Voices has support group chapters in many different countries.
Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic model, their website will allow you to search for qualified therapists by region.
http://www.hearing-voices.org/
http://www.selfleadership.org/
I hope this is helpful…and I hope Daniel can offer some more guidance.
Peace,
Jen
hi jen — good to see you here. both good suggestions! daniel
Hi Daniel,
This week I completed the Intentional Peer Support training, and on the last day, today, we each had to do a 5 minute project. I sang the song “I Went to a Shrink” along with you on your CD. I explained that I think this song explains why IPS is so needed, and I shared that the song is basically my story. It was very well received, and many people in the class now want to get a hold of the CD. I enjoyed doing it. It was nice to perform it for people instead of simply sing along with you when I’m in the car. I just want you to know that I feel very connected to you and I am very grateful for all of your work. What are you up to these days?
Hi Daniel,
I just want you to know that today I completed the Intentional Peer Support Training with Steve Morgan and Eva Dech. Today, we had to do a 5 minute project, and for my project I sang along to your song “I Went to a Shrink”. It was very well received, and people want to get a hold of your CD now to hear more. I just want you to know I feel such a connection with you, and I am so grateful for all of your work. What are you up to these days?
hey daniel! im avi and diagnosed with schizophrenia. your movies changed my all prespective about mental health sysmtem and opened up new horizons really got me thinking.
i only had one psychotic episode that ended 10 yrs ago.obviously was hospitalized and on meds through all this time.
i was in therapy with a clinical psychologist for 4 yrs and it really helped me to understand the root of my illness and how to change the destructive path i was walking in so i could regain my health again.
my question for you is how am i supposed to get off meds cuz there isnt much knowledge about it here in israel… could you adress me to some place where i can get good advice?
btw i got to think that there is a similarity between weed and psychiatric drugs.
what i mean is that for me weed was the trigger for the eruption of my illness and i thought that maybe the meds or drugs were the trigger for my recovery….
maybe my recovery was supposed to begun anyways without meds.
and society is just built like that when a mentaly ill person would have to end up in a mental hospital at least the majority of us.
hi avi — you might try http://www.madinamerica.com — i think there might be some israeli writers there. also, try http://www.isps.org — they have an israeli branch and have shown my films in israel (and helped translate them). they might be kind of conservative, though — not sure. but at least it’s a start! daniel
Hi Daniel.
I´m shure, I´m telling you not new news about childhood. Alice Miller give me a thanks in 2008 to my «concern» about NeuroScience (Danke, dass Sie sich darum kümmern) … you remember .. and you can smile … Miller held Shonkoff as a failure.
German is far away from USA (NewYork) – ok 7 hours 🙂 but I found a cool video on the Internet with SHAKIRA / SHONKOFF from the UNESCO in NewYork: Meeting the Minds. Really good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haml6Vkf1Q0
Other VIDs available. Shonkoff speaks right words. Childhood is a old story but new is NeuroScience in the contect. Shakira speaks NeuroScience at the point … with the advantage – Shakira is singing better than Shonkoff 🙂
I hope you going well. Best wishes from Germany, the land of Herman Hesse 🙂
Mr Mackler
Almost all “new” psychology is based on an unobserved century old paradigm. Please look at the site anewpsychology dot com. If you like it I will send you a copy of the book. You can start at chapter 8. You will know within a few minutes if it holds interest.
Regards John David Klein
Hi Daniel,
I recently read two of your books – “Breaking from Your Parents” and “Toward Truth”. I really enjoyed them both. The engaging content and fluid writing style made them very easy to read in my opinion. I read both in less than a week and have posted a positive review on Amazon.
I think what resonates with me the most about your work is the warrior spirit you advocate when it comes to one’s healing and growth. The discipline, dedication and “whatever it takes” attitude you’ve applied to your own growth really comes across in the books and I find this very inspirational. I’ve been dedicated to my own healing and growth for just over a year now and I completely agree with the perspective that it takes a LOT of space, time, focus and life force energy to truly heal and grow.
Ultimately, I see you as leader in the realm of healing and growth. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and say many of the things you say and do many of the things you have done. And so I just want to send some acknowledgement and appreciation your way for being somewhat of a trail blazer and for helping guide and inspire folks such as myself along our journeys of healing and growth.
A question that springs to mind as I write this post is in relation to the term “true self”. While it’s clear from your books, videos and website that you see “growth” as the process of becoming one’s true self, I’m curious – how would you define the term “true self”?
In gratitude and respect,
Conor
hi conor,
thanks for your words. appreciated!! i’m going through a complex period right now — lots of growth. i find it gets easier in some ways, and yet not in others. always a new challenge. funnily enough, i was wondering how to define the true self the other, and wondered if i had defined it in the index of “toward truth.” i thought i might have but couldn’t remember. i just looked it up and see that i did. i always defined the false self, so i’ll paste both here:
The True Self: The best of who we really are, based on an enlightened self-awareness of our core of inner truth and our connection with it.
The False Self: 1) The mistaken identity by which an unenlightened person defines himself; 2) The part of us so lost in unresolved traumas that it does not know who we really are and what really motivates us—and yet lacks awareness of our internal confusion or mistaken identity; 3) A person’s identity based not on an enlightened connection with himself but on an identification with his unresolved, traumatized sides and with his traumatizers; 4) The persona, not the person.
all the best,
daniel
Good to hear you’re going through a period of growth! It would be great if you lived near me. I’d love to meet you for a cuppa tea and talk all about it!
Isn’t it so special when you can actually feel yourself healing and growing? I’ve been going through a few growth spurts as well recently. So empowering. More and more I’m looking at life as a hero’s journey. I now see all of these challenges and struggles, both internal and external, as an inherent part of the process in discovering and expressing the True Self – and ultimately becoming the heros of our own stories.
Thanks for those definitions. I love that definition of the True Self you shared. Reminds me of the idea that we each have an essential nature – just like a tree or an animal – and when properly nourished and supported we will grow into the full expression of our essential nature – the deepest truth of who we are in full blossom. And because many of us didn’t receive that nourishment and support as children, it’s now our job as adults to give it to ourselves.
I also find it very helpful to look at the definition of the False Self you shared. It reminds of me of the idea that living as a False Self is similar to being in a hypnotic trance. All of that unconscious pain drives a person to behave in a way that is totally out of alignment with their essential nature – the truth of who they really are.
I’m curious to hear your thoughts on something else actually. I recently heard a guy (who has also been big into healing and growth for a long time) say that as children, it’s not so much what happened to us that causes the wounding, but it’s actually more to do with our perception at the time of what happened to us that caused the pain, e.g. “Dad criticizes me, which means there’s something wrong with me”. The guy makes the point that taking responsibility for the fact that it was our perception which created the wounding is ultimately the most empowering approach to healing it because we are then in a better position to change the story we created at the time. Hopefully I’ve explained the point clearly enough.
Do you have any thoughts on that, and if so, what are they? Is it something you’ve considered before?
hi conor,
i enjoyed reading this. i like the idea of this being a hero’s journey. i agree — and see it as a great but very difficult journey. i also like what you wrote about the false self being a sort of hypnotic state. as for the guy who says that our perceptions of what happened to us are more important than what happened to us, i don’t agree. i think that is an argument that too easily leads into dissociation. first, i’ve seen people that hold to this argument, and it hasn’t panned out in their personal lives. also, i don’t see it as making sense theoretically. there are some things that are simply harmful to us no matter what our perceptions of them, especially things that happened to us when we were kids. we were too powerless then, too vulnerable. alternate perceptions weren’t going to save us, though they did certainly save some people some pain. lots of traumatized people dissociate in order to spare themselves pain. also, there are many things that happened to us when we were very young that we don’t remember — and thus don’t even have a perception of. for instance, circumcision. it was a horrible thing, yet most men who had it don’t remember it at all. does that mean they’re more empowered over this? also, in the example you gave, the statement “Dad criticizes me, which means there’s something wrong with me” is itself a false story — a protection against an even more painful reality — that….”my father, the most important male role model in the world, the man who created me and whose job it was to love me and provide me the model for male love in my life, doesn’t love me and in fact rejects me.” that is an even more painful reality for children, i believe…easier to believe that i’m the problem…. that protects dad and thus keeps me feeling safe… also, what about a child who got raped? why should they take responsibility for this in any way, and how could taking responsibility for this in any way empower them? better just to know the reality of what happened and work to grieve the loss and not replicate it. hope this makes sense, all the best,
daniel
It certainly does make sense Daniel. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I suspected you might have some strong opinions on it! And I’m inclined to agree with you. I especially like your point about the child believing that they are the problem as opposed to the father, in order to protect the father and keep themselves safe. I hadn’t thought of that before.
An example from my own journalling work this morning even supports your point. It occurred to me that as a young child (younger than 5), there would have been many incidences that my parents would have been furiously angry with me. I now realize that I would not only have been absolutely terrified by this but would also have believed that I was defective in some way – to make mom or dad so livid like that. And I think it’s fair to say that reaction of absolute terror in a child (to furious anger from an adult) would be more of an automatic and instinctual response, rather than a result of a perception. And, similar to what you said, I can now see that the resulting belief of “I am defective, I need to change” is likely a protective / survival mechanism.
Having said all that, the guy who made the point (about our perception playing a key part in our wounding) is pretty knowledgable and open-minded and I’m sure there is much more flexibility in his way of seeing all of this than I could do justice for. I reckon he might even agree with the points we made as well. I may end up speaking with him in person actually and now, thanks to your message and my own reflections, I’ll be able to have a more informed opinion and conversation about the matter.
Thanks again Daniel. It’s really good to connect with you 🙂 It seems our heros journeys, deeply challenging as they can be, have led us both to a similar passion – healing from the pas, growing into the best of who we really are and sharing our lessons with others along the way. It’s likely I’ll post another message in the near future if that’s ok!!!
Talk soon,
Conor
Thank you so much both of you for this dialogue, it helps me tremendously!
Good to hear that Cindy! Thanks for letting us know! 🙂
Interesting reading and yet sinc e I applied to Criminal Injuries compensation adn this means that I have exposed the horrendous truth that my life was utterly derailed by a ‘dark night” of sexual assault,I have been flung too far into the misery and housebound with a broken arm at the same time!!!I fell that I need human comfort and presence so much right now and no one come s to visit.I cannot do this on my own.The years of trying to live with “no support” has caught up with me.I live in Canada.
Hi Daniel,
I am writing to you from India, and how lucky I am to chance upon your YouTube video. It was simply BRILLIANT. The smug fraternity of psychotherapists deserves to be called out on their ineptness, it was high time. You are very articulate and I applaud you for calling a spade a spade, without mincing your words. You seem to have a very deep grasp of human nature, and I appreciate your incisive understanding of the attributes that must necessarily be present in anyone who wants to call himself or herself a “healer” (and charge money for it). It was uncanny watching your video, as it seemed you were vocalizing verbatim, every thought I have had about therapists for the past few years.
I have been at the receiving end of countless such incompetent therapist, which has been very damaging to my self esteem and trust, not to forget, financially draining. In my personal experience I do not know of a single therapist that is good. Apart from not being good, frustratingly, they even lack common sense. I have met more ‘regular’ people without psychology degrees, such as, friends, strangers, bloggers, other clients, who are more empathetic, have a better understanding of problems and offer some practicable solutions- minus the arrogance and heavy fees one has to endure for trying out these self proclaimed ‘experienced’ therapists.
I must add, that in countries like India, the quest for finding a therapist who is reasonable enough (not good, but even slightly reasonable) is way more difficult, as our culture teaches us to unconditionally respect and bow down to authority (doctors, therapists etc). So much so that even asking them any question is considered effrontery. This undue privilege given to them by Indian society makes them even more arrogant, and they feel no need to be open to learning, let alone admitting their mistakes (‘because they are the ones with all the answers, how could they deign to learn from us’). The bar for therapists in India is very low, and it boils down to a simple case of demand and supply; since beggars can’t be choosers, we are forced to endure the least shitty therapist, with all her flagrant flaws in thinking, just because others are even worse. The emotional and financial cost of searching for a new therapist every time are just too high.
Mental health services in general are dismal all over the world. Since you are in a country where the system is slightly better than in India, I urge you to show your video to authorities in hospitals who are in charge of hiring psychotherapists. There should be ways of testing people for empathy and common sense, apart from looking at their degrees. Secondly, since the fees are so high, and majority of therapist so inept and irresponsible, there must be a way to hold them accountable for the emotional damage they inevitable cause their clients when a relationship is severed. I am not saying that one must go on a suing spree, but these irresponsible psychotherapist who directly harm their clients with their behavior, MUST be held accountable. The least that can be done is, the clients must write a written memo of why he or she decided to leave a therapist, and submit that memo to the higher ups in that hospital. At least, this way, data points can be collected on that therapist, and some reality check can be done showing that he or she is not as great as he or the hospital think them to be.
Unless they go out of their way to help someone, I consider doctors and therapists no different from a service provider like Comcast or Verizon, hence there should be a ‘yelp’ for rating therapists, where clients can rate and review the bad therapists (I am not sure if such a portal already exists?) These measures will force them to pull up their socks and get their act together. Mental health services need to be jolted out of their complacency…this is the first step, I know a lot more work needs to be done. Thanks again for posting this video.
Hello Daniel, I’ve saw your video about open dialogue of Finland.
I would like to ask you a favor, can you please give me an email of any member of that open dialogue team. I have my brother who suffers from the same problem and he’s tired of psychiatres and their medicines we want to try this. I’m currently living in Finland, I searched on the internet but I cant seem to find any contact infos of those people please help me out it is very very important to us as my brothers situation is getting worse.
yes, i’ll send you a contact person by email,
daniel
Hello everyone.
I wish everyone a great day.
I am glad to have a place to write.
For me from my nurturing family experience, I feel personality splitting is a primary function of society. Thank you.
Denis
Okay…I’m curious. Can you provide a short explanation of your last sentence?
Best wishes, Steve
Hello.
I was born with a learned inadequate response to life (gwc/sfhelp.com) .
There are no facts just opinions and perceptions.
On a daily basis, to the best of my ability, I choose wholeness, to harm none and to abstain from the psychosis of the collective mind. Psychosis is to make insane through the hypnosis of social conditioning.
In my opinion from my perception, society does not have a mission statement on wholeness nor provide an accessible path to it.
In my opinion from my perception, society does permit and provide many many paths to maintain and enlarge personality splitting.
Thank you Alice Miller, Daniel Macker and eveyone else.
Denis
I’m in the somewhat unique position of having been told by my mother what happened to me, “There was one night when you were an infant when Daddy nearly scared you to death, and you were never the same.” She told me this on the night he died, and later denied it, so I could never get the details. After years of self-therapy and primal therapy in L.A., some of the details have emerged but the trauma is still unresolved. This is what has come up – crying for her brought him instead, and he stopped the crying by yelling, “Stop it, stop it, stop it…” and putting his hand over my nose and mouth, smothering the crying (me), a mortal threat. The key to accessing this event is through needing her again, but that need equals death for me so it’s extremely well defended. I’ve recently begun practicing total celibacy in an attempt to coalesce that energy and make it palpable. You mentioned “the potential value of celibacy” above. Could you expand on that please?
hi dave
i write about celibacy more here, i believe: http://wildtruth.net/on-sex-and-relationships/
and also i believe i write about it in my books “toward truth” and “breaking from your parents.”
all the best
daniel
Daniel,
So, the only good therapists are the ones you like – hmmm.
In a decade or so, when you have had time to grow a bit more, please reexamine that sentiment, and see if you can figure out the error in your thinking.
Be well,
Licensed Psychologist
hi george,
yes, i continue to reexamine, though i can’t say i’m that drawn to your belittling (and anonymous) style.
daniel
It is certainly easy to understand that individuals see the world from their own perspective, and often assume this is the way everyone else sees things. But, there are many, many different styles, and many, many types of people and therapists. Seems you are assuming that your perspective is the best or RIGHT one. For instance, I have every right to communicate anonymously, but you have some judgement about that.
Sorry if you find my critique belittling! I’ll be more direct: It may help if you took things less personally, less from such a strong, egocentric viewpoint.
You are not drawn to my style – so, I guess I have been eliminated by the judge, from the pool of GOOD therapists! That is very funny.
Your anti-therapy rant is not helpful to people who need help!
Signed, Anonymous
I’d suspect anyone that chooses to remain anonymous, even more so a therapist. What is it in your shadow you are hiding or are afraid of?
So, another judge of what makes a good therapist arises! Ayyy!
i think everyone who has anything to do with therapy — that is, therapists and clients alike — judges what makes a good therapist. it’s human to judge — that is, to make assessments and come up with conclusions. i would assume that you do too — but just that in some way you don’t agree with me. though again, i’m not sure exactly what “rant” of mine you’re commenting on — so, frankly, i don’t even know what specifically to reply to here… –daniel
p.s. about me quitting therapy. well….i gave my clients at least a year’s notice….not that it made it much easier for them (or for me). it wasn’t a fun process, that was for sure. it was very painful. meanwhile, are you really troubled by the fact that i quit being a therapist, or are your just arguing for a sake of arguing? i ask this question genuinely. meanwhile, i never claimed that my blog was a more powerful tool for change than individual therapy. that said, it’s reached a LOT more people — and so have my films — for what that’s worth.
Daniel,
If you really are a good therapist, why did you abandon those who need you. If you know how to be helpful, it would appear that you did a mis-service to humanity to stop your practice! The concept of quitting on your clients troubles me. One-on-one therapeutic contact is far more powerful and potentially life-changing than blogs.
Anonymous
PS You can tell I am not pleased with your rant about therapy. We should probably communicate off line. Feel free use my email address, if you so wish.
I would disagree that someone who is so convinced that homosexuality is a fantastic thing could ever be a good therapist.Also he has problems asserting himself in a mature way with women.Not indicative of a functional adult is it….
hi george and david,
i have mixed feelings about the anonymity thing. sometimes i feel it can be cowardly to remain anonymous, other times not. i actually kept myself anonymous on this website for a while, about nine or so years back, because i was afraid of getting in trouble somehow for being too real. that lasted about a year. i now much prefer to just stand behind my point of view with my real name, though i defend your right, george, to be anonymous. i just am not drawn to the anonymous critique that puts your title out front. that is, i (and others) cannot see what you stand for as a therapist past the little bit you’ve written here. i also am not drawn to your teaching style, as if you’re here to instruct me on the right way. of course, others might say the same thing about me — i recognize that. but one difference is what i perceive (i think correctly) to be your sarcasm in “teaching” me — that is, that you enjoy it, find it funny. meanwhile, i’m not sure exactly what you’re talking about in terms of an anti-therapy rant. perhaps a video i made? i do have one critiquing therapy. if that’s the one, i have a few things to say about it. first, it seems a lot more people find it helpful than don’t — as least as far as the youtube voting goes… and the second thing, i challenge the idea that anyone “needs” therapy. i find that insulting to people. i grant that a lot of people do find therapy useful, but i don’t see that they actually need it. there are so many other things that might help just as well — or better! so i definitely challenge a therapist who says that people “need” therapy. that can be very self-serving. all the best, daniel
p.s. george, i’m not sure if you’ve poked around my website and looked at other stuff i’ve written or made videos about….. some of it happens to be pretty pro-therapy. maybe you’d even like it…?
Daniel,
I am going to bow out now. Yes, I was referring to the YouTube video about what is wrong with therapy that you made.
Yes, I really think that therapy can help a lot of people in very profound ways; so I am bothered a bit by your video–but not too much. People will find what is right for them, in any case.
I personally try to live in the moment, as much as possible, and don’t read much anymore, including blogs. It is all way to black and white for me, in a world that is so full of shades of grey!
Good Luck, as the years then decades roll by. I hope, you will find it interesting to see how there is less and less judgement and more acceptance as the decades pass.
Yours,
Dr George A Aiken
georgeaiken.com
hi George,
okay. i don’t know about more acceptance for me, though. the older i get it seems the more screwed up the world is….and is becoming.
meanwhile, i see you went to saybrook. i know some good folks who went there. do you know tom greening?
all the best to you,
Daniel
Tom was my mentor at Say rook for 6 years and was the chair of my Masters Thesis. He is still a great friend!
Do you get his emailed poetry? You might want to get on his email list. BTW: Tom is a master of acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve, just that you do not have any attachment or aversion. Then you can be more effective.
All best,
George
Hi Daniel, me too. Am so lost at the mo.
Hi Daniel
I know that you are right about childhood trauma. I was a drug and alcoholic for years and it took me nearly 10 years to find the source of my pain because therapists and other “healers” misled me . When I found my truth, I wrote a letter to my mother. I would like to share the content of this letter with you, but I don’t want to post it on you website.
Dear Mr. Mackler,
I came across your your you tube about psychotherapy when I was (and am) in the process of stopping being a psychotherapist. As you know, it is a struggle. I have been at it a long time and it seems none of my friends have any intention of retiring and have little patience for listening to me. Your voice is so welcome and helpful.
We share many opinions about psychotherapy. I few years ago I wrote a loving critique of the field which I believe you would find interesting. I would be happy to send you a copy if you give me an address or if you prefer you can get it on Amazon: “In Praise of Psychotherapists – how change occurs despite baffling theory and bureau”
All best wishes,
James McMahon
Hey Daniel,
I’ve been working on recovering from Childhood Trauma seriously for about a year and a half since I found a legit therapist who sides with the child. Her practice puts 98% of the work into my hands with individual therapy that I tend to nightly through journaling and dream interpretation. I’m starting to pick up the fragments of my life following a complete collapse, doing a career I now realize wasn’t authentic. As you portrayed in your YouTube video, this shit isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination.
I sat in my room trying to feel my brothers death, and hop back into reality. Helpless to feel genuine feelings, but I now realize that the later trauma of my brothers death that happened when I was 21 wasn’t the root trauma that occurred. I split his death off and powered on with ease, disguised as mental toughness and false courage. I feel the burning sensation and heat rising from my abdomen from time to time, but in small increments. From what you explain, it comes up at once. I know I’m close to feeling that hell, knowing that truth and genuine healing is on the other side.
On a scale from 100 being dissociated and 0 being not, I feel like I’m at about 10%. This last stretch is hell and feels like the mountain I’ve climbed for the past 3 years has this final vertical cliff I have to get up.
How did the process of healing the trauma through the body unfold for you. Were you expecting it as it came up? Or did the process unfold on it’s own naturally.
Thanks for everything you’ve published.
Alex
hi alex — it’s been a long process for me, and is DEFINITELY still ongoing………… long and slow, but things have shifted….and continue to. not sure exactly where i’m at now…..but growing i suppose……..
greetings ——
daniel
We need to talk I need your help… Thank you ahh Wonky sage
Hello.
Hello,
I am writing to thank you for you writings on Alice Miller. I am almost 66 years old. In 2013, I decided through my inner guide, did not know that at that time, to stop everything and find my true self. I had no idea how. I had all kinds of problems all my life. I came to realize that I was the problem. I did not know the problem. I did not know the solution. I was one lost broken person and still am, when I am left to my own desires.
I was presented with all kind of information. I am familiar with all self-help groups, religions, social groups, etc. Some how things that were hard to grasp was easier. I saw that I am a grown wounded child (sfhellp.org), dancing a dance of a wounded soul (Robert Burney), co-dependent(Mellodie Beattie), living an illusion(The Four Agreements). I went to page 118 of the Four Agreements and knew that was my path. The more I wanted to be whole and healthy, the more I was put upon and most of the good things that I wanted and thought needed to be part of were unavailable to me always. I realized that as I reached out I was not helped. I realized that I had to reach into myself, find out how to use the mind rightly, find my true self and love and live it to the best of my ability.
I read your critique of Alice Miller and I was validated that I have to walk my path to wholeness alone for now but to keep moving forward. Thank you.
Hi Daniel (and all), I am wondering if someone out there can give me a couple tools to help me process what I’m going through. I first became interested in self-therapy a couple years ago, and had been doing a lot of introspection but not really getting anywhere until a few weeks ago. I then had a serious breakthrough, and will never feel the same again. My emotional life has been a real roller coaster of crazy highs and lows since. I spend a lot of time working alone, probably 60 hours a week, during which time I can make a lot of progress and have profound insights into my past and present life. Along with that comes a tremendous amount of grief, pain, as well as positive emotions happiness, even ecstasy. I just feel like a damn broke and I’m really having a hard time processing all the emotions I’m feeling. I do have a yoga practice and do some meditation, but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Last yoga class I attended I broke down into tears several times. I’m wondering if anyone can point me towards any useful tools, techniques, anything really (other than drugs) that can help me process what’s happening without being overwhelmed. Thanks for all the work you’ve done on trauma Daniel, I really appreciate it.
hi pat
greetings. hmm. i’m not sure what to say. it all sounds good as long as you’re not overwhelming yourself. i find that when i’m more emotional in a way i think you’re describing it can help to interact more with others — get others’ feedback, participate in their lives. if i’m too alone i can get overwhelmed. but i’m not sure in your situation. walking is also good for me. and being in nature. but being around friends is really important. all the best, daniel
The breaking down in tears in yoga practice should be viewed positively, your body is releasing the pain that we hold in our bodies. Have you tried a yoga practice that includes Kirtan, my yoga teacher gave me mala beads and I do these every day. Having someone to talk with is essential, be it a friend, etc..
toby , since i don´t believe nuch in the positive benefits of haldol at least i get the 50mg depot injection every 60 days because my behaviour and work performance have been stable , i would be dying if I got every 30 days like the interval it is supposed to be used. i plan to continue with the cbt therapy and hopefully find an alternative to psych drugs which make life a complete hell and in my point of view only cause cognitive damage and terrible side ( or main) effects. bye
thanks toby, still one day I would like to stop the psych drugs and substitute it maybe for cbt, thea haldol causes me such terrible akathisia and I have been getting involuntary body movements of diskinesia , it causes me terrible anxiety the whole day and I don`t see it brings any benefit other than having me drowsy and dizzy the whole day. thanks for your advise. I will talk to my psychiatrist about seroquel. Bye
Watch out for the (tardive) dyskinesia Fernando. I am sorry you got this (relatively) uncommon side-effect. I hope your psychiatrist is understanding and good with meds. Cheers T
Thanks Daniel….been away for awhile. I’ll take you’re advice and break message up. Cheers T
My original message was too long so I am re-posting it in bits. Sorry I have not replied to people I have been away from computer!……………………….
Hi there. I came across your website/blog by accident and was impressed by the ‘more-than averagely’ thoughful things said here (whether I agree a lot or a little in their content!?!).
I wish to say some stuff really overall to say – >JOLLY GOOD< – in a umbrella sort of way to most of what people are trying to do here.
Having been myself a psychiatrist (psychotherapist sort of) for the NHS for 20 years and seen a lot of really good 'therapists' and some really crappy ones, I do believe that 'childhood trauma' is not very well dealt with – and as budget-lead reconfigurations, and faddy trends are latched onto, that things only seem to get worse – at least here in the UK.
Therapists (psychotherapists, counsellors – whatever) are only as good as their ability is to understand, guide, and sometimes – yes – even treat their patients – with compassion (sorry I am not going to call them ‘clients’ or ‘service users’ or other trendy terms). CBT – though seemingly effective in already well-motivated, ’thinking’, ‘middle-class’, worried-well’ types, is almost useless in helping deep-seated problems (of which ‘childhood trauma’ is a part) – it just adds another coat of paint of ‘got to be better’ – ‘follow a programme’ cracks of whatever negative feelings a patient has for themselves. Though some people have sworn bu it – I have never met someone who has actually got better (dealt with stuff) with it – and I was trained in it! It helped be to understand some processes and stuff, but I only occasionally using bits of it in a more ‘ecletic’ style of therapy, when people wanted a ‘programme’. CBT therapist sometimes seems to enjoy being a surrogate ‘school’teacher’ and enjoy the control, homework etc in me right (teacher) you wrong (pupil) sort of way? – or is that just me!?
Because of my job I met a very large number of folk who had been referred because they were ’depressed’ and pills did not work – or they were out of control ‘crazy’ fucked up (professional diagnosis – rubbish though it is – is Borderline Personality Disorder). I would say that a very large proportion turned out to be having problems with relationships – parents, partners or lack of them – or what I term ‘shit-life-syndrome’ – by what I mean is ‘misery’ – whether imposed from outside or from within. Of course anti-depressants weren’t going to work to change that (or rarerly). – nor was CBT! UInderneath it all though (and their behaviour often lead people to run a mile) was rather nicem caring, sensitive souls who had just got to the end of their tethers and felt helpless (exactly what their ‘clinicians’ felt too, and resented them for making them feel useless!),
Preceeding ‘where they are now’ problem was so often a ‘devalued’ experience – not receiving enough care emotionally – in their upbringing. Emotional abuse or childhood trauma so often emotes images of physical or sexual abuse or being locked in a cupboard or whatever. What I found really sad is that frequently the patient had not got a shocking childhood history of ‘ab’use – just chronic neglect driven by busy parents, not enough time, etc. who replaced parenting quality/quantity activity with ‘stuff’. An overall feeling of being deprived and somehow responsible for their deprived expoeriences and having spent a lot of their childhood trying to parent their parents! Typically the ‘you have a roof over your head, what’s your problem’-style put-down from behind the newspaper. This progressed into their adult relationships, and lead to real ‘ab’use from demanding unreasonable partners pretending to be the ‘knight in shinind armour’ (or female equivalent) parent fix-all’ needs person, but actually a child demanding you to be a parent ( AGAIN!) and a skilled liar (even to themselves sometimes). The patient had ‘mug…abuse me…I’ll be nice’ written in big letters across their foreheads!
At best the patient would go from inadequate relationship to inadequate relationship in a rather unsatisfactory way; at worst they would stay in one being controlled and mistreated until they were discarded for someone else.
Mainly this was women being ‘ab’used by men, but not the vast majority – and only in the extreme situation of a psychiatrist office where they were deemed ‘ill’ (as in diseased’ – not just ‘a bit fucked up’).
…..(continued)…….
Widely simplifying it – women turn in on themselves when damaged (hence their over-representation in depressive-style mental health situations) and men outward (aggression, alcohol, crime). I saw many ‘well’ men (and women) behaving as they were ‘expected’ and being controlled by damaged women/men in their need for acceptance, unable to trust and enjoy intimacy, love or whatever except by control.
Less inaccurately some men are rather feminine in their ‘reaction’ to life and DON’T ‘chase women’, turn to aggression or whatever….ditto some women are mpore ‘man-like’ in their behaviour when emotionally damaged. They REALLY struggled because they didn’t fit the moulds of behaviour imposed by society – the ‘stereotypes’ if you like.
I am the first to admit that I felt dumped on – as the most senior ‘clinician’ (doctors are slagged off but when the chips are down the problems are always passed to you!) I had either to try to care for these folk myself or discharge them (which having met them I felt really bad about doing – GUILT!). Worst still I could label them as ‘treatment resistant depression’ (or other misery label)and give them larger and more interesting combination of drugs or refer to psychotherapists who would often refuse to see them because they were ‘too risky’ (suicidal behaviour – overdoses etc) or didn’t have a ‘goal of treatment’. All rather rejecting and convenient for the therapist.
Not that pills sometimes were helpful (and one occasionally diagnosed something really weird like a missed endocrine problem, sleep apnoea etc), but generally I and others had to deal with it. Discharge was relatively pointless anyway because they would just be re-referred back ! That’s the NHS for you!
Necessity being as it was – and a certain amount of compassion and trying to be ‘good enough’ myself when presented with misery, rather than blaming the patient for failing to ‘comply’…..what to do – after a lot of mainly fruitless research into ‘what to do’ (this was the early 1990’s – no computers, blogs, etc!) – all pretty rubbish – no one seemed to have a clue, but all sorts of ‘claims’. Nothing much scientific (by which I mean provable/evidence-based NOT anecdotal) and a load of charlatan crap about crystals and auras and guru-abuse type abuser culty nonsense – e.g. the DREADFUL Dialenics – the mental health cure-all from Scientology – and less worrying more well-meaning stuff like Primal Scream Arthur Janov stuff.
So – common-sense set in………
The patients were given boundaries that were reasonable, and their aberrant end-stage’ behaviour of overdosing and threatening and fury and rage (or the opposite – coquettishness) were accepted but not rewarded (or punished) as their way to cope now. Several furiousness activities later – no one died etc….
I started asking the patient the simply question – ‘what do you want’, in the context of relationships/happiness etc. These were very needy but usually decent, caring people who just kept on falling into traps laid by abusers (also desperate for a controllable love). They all felt empty and devalued entering adulthood – even if they appeared successful/pretty/handsome/clever/nice to others.
What I found most shocking 9but so boringly sad and boringly obvious) was the common trend that these patients (and far more apparently well people I met ‘out there in the ‘normal’ world) could not cope with being alone. They would be straight into another relationship within weeks or months of another ending.. They could not be alone. Having ‘loved’ someone’, they would have a brief ‘crisis’ and then be straight into another with someone who said all the right things (lied) …for awhile and ‘loved them’ too. I would often joke that they must have gone to a shop for a new relationship.
Without further babbling….the biggest things I found to help these folk:
Obviously developing a trusting therapeutic relationship (not that easy if I was seen as the abusive ‘man’) – unsurprisingly they had VERY low expectations of what a trusting relationship was– basically I just had to be consistent, nice, obviously not cross any ‘love’ boundaries despite a regular flirtatious tendancy (– not towards me per se me – I was just a parent figure!), and tell the truth, kindly, and be available within reason when they asked. To point out that just because I wasn’t always available I did care. Often the partners could not cope with their over-demanding need for attention. Caring for someone is not the same as always being there. So handing back their feelings of rejection projected onto me – in a kind fashion….etc etc etc.
………
………..continued )…..last bit!..
Firstly – to suggest to them that they don’t go out with anyone for at least 6 months (or longer) and just do stuff with friends or family for its own sake.
Secondly – during this time they were just to observe as best they could their ‘alone time’ and see what it felt like.
Thirdly – I asked them to consider how they could be ’in love’ with one person and then after such a short time be ‘in love’ with someone else. Those that could manage these things became REALLY aware of their search for someone ‘NOW’ who would fix the ‘THEN’ – and how unlikely that was as they would ACTUALLY end up with someone LEAST likely to be capable of that.
This was no easy fix, but it started them on a road to notice their attempt to fill an unbearable hole of ‘something’ (neediness, lack of love, self-loathing, unlovability) that they struggled to confront – instead to paper over the ‘cracks’ (gapping hole!) with frantic avoidance of being alone – what they called ‘being in love’ temporarily seemed to work……. ditto addictions, workaholics, exercise freaks, fame-seekers, etc (though I rarely met these more hidden damaged folk at work – I met them frequently ‘out there’ and even failed to help a girlfriend I was deeply in love with who was trapped in her neediness and went on into a ‘status’ relationship – I wasn’t ‘cool’ enough!
What was really amazing and heart-warming was that these very damaged people started to fix themselves….sometimes…..and many went on to happy and kind lives (so often they were nicer than ‘normal’ people) and certainly did not need so much ‘therapy’ thereafter.
You may ask why I talk in so much detail. I too came from a ‘traumatic’ childhood without really understanding it all (or wanting to fix it – despite my training!), but more by luck than judgement (unwittingly – maybe subconsciously) tried to use my bad experiences for the good of others. I did a pretty good job, so I have been told, but I too fell into the trap that others who had a crappy childhood. In my case my abuser was my employers – my relationship – the NHS. I tried TOO hard to prove my worthiness and allowed myself to be treated pretty awfully by those who professed to ‘care’. It lead to my own profound depression and rejection by my ‘partner’ (employer) when I no longer ‘did what they wanted’. Certainly it contributed to my ‘not entirely successful’ sense of worth in the girlfriend department too. I so much wanted to distance myself from what I call ‘hunter-killer-shag-king’ male predatory stereotypes (what I saw aa abusers0 and sold myself short.
Depression (and shit life syndrome as I call the misery that sometimes seems to occur in life) is a wake-up call. I have spent 5 years beginning to do stuff differently – I am not fixed, and I am still the same reasonably nice caring guy (like most of the abused patients I saw) but am much better able to notice and distance myself from ‘takers’. Whether they be obvious criminals, bosses, prospective girlfriends, friends or clients.
I am much happier, and don’t care that I no longer earn £100k+ ( I never really did – but it DID help to pay off my mortgage thank goodness!). It is more important to still care for my ‘community’ independent of a abusive ‘institution’ (whether it be a relationship or work-environment or family), and able to choose who I have to ‘look after’ – and feel less urge to do so TOO!.
I do odd jobs to supplement my income as an artist, still do some ‘gratis’ ‘life coaching’ and give advice to doctors/chums unofficially who are pissed off with the crap advice they get elsewhere. I CHOSE who I deal with whether personally, or professionally.
—– > And that is the point…when a person has be starved of the ‘appropriate’ care (and that is really difficult to define – what is ‘appropriate’/good enough?) they will go out into life and be more vulnerable to NOT get what they deserve because they exude a ‘desperation’ (often well hidden) that others – predators (even if very needy themselves) spot as easy ‘care-givers’, to be abused in turn. OR alternatively don’t ask for care when they deserve it because they feel undeserving, so are handicapped in expressing love or whatever, Double whammy! <—————
I certainly don’t(nor did I ever) have all the answers…..
Whatever the ‘therapy’ – the road to recovery from ‘childhood trauma’ (or whatever it is called) – involves an individual being helped to recognise they need to first stop what they are doing – retreat to a ‘safe place’, think about stuff, accept the ‘hole of need’ (or whatever it is called), learn how to be with oneself first (love oneself – whatever). Only then will one be able to trust the RIGHT people – not the best at telling one what one wants to hear – and thus recognise appropriate love from others and give and take appropriately – ‘innate sociality’ I think were the words Jean Liedhoff used (mentioned elsewhere – which is in her Continuity Concept book) to talk about accepting and being within a community of respect and stuff . ‘Give and Take Appropriately’ is often talked about in the ‘Human Givens’ movement (can’t nb authors), which I don’t necessarily agree with as a theory or a ‘cure-all’, but has it’s sensible ideas in amongst the ‘we are REALLY right more than anyone else’ silliness.
What is so irritating about these ‘pop psychology’ guru types ( and more scary Scientologists etc) is they get rather over-excited about how amazing they are and get all cult-ish and otherwise absolutist. Then end up shagging a load of people (girls usually) or getting really rich and generally take advantage of the vulnerable and gullible – which is rather NOT the point of ‘therapy’ – enlightened ways etc.
Good therapist are good enough (though imperfect)– bad ones are bad, but are SO good at appearing amazing! – the first hurdle for the abused is to tell the difference – OUCH!
Hope this has been helpful to you …It has been helpful to me to think about it all again! and Regards
(originally cropped post – a week or so ago!)
Toby, this is a truly excellent piece of writing. Your thoughts will strike a chord with so many. Keep them coming.
As one in the Psych field, I am wondering if you or anyone else know of any Therapists in the Central California Coast area that share your thoughts and ideology in working with clients? I would love to have one that is caring and a bit sensitive to the unique challenges faced by ethnic minority individuals with mental health issues.
As I am over here in the UK – I am sorry I can’t be of help – knowing no one in California – though a couple of my pictures are near San Francisco!. Having worked in a city (Gloucester, UK) with a large South Asian, ‘black’ (British/African/Caribean) and Eastern European populations – sorry there are so manyconflicting and confusing ‘PC’ terms I have fallen back on census terminology (that makes me ‘white British’ instead of the old ‘caucasian’ – I am ‘pinkish’ and ‘blacks’ are multitudinous shades of ‘brown’ and aubergine-ish – but there you go) – you are right that people of different cultures need to be sensitive to each other in mental health. Even the terms ‘client/patient/service-user’ causes upset, but no one quite knows what anyone should call each other anymore – or rather are told what to feel outraged about. I was discriminated against as well for being white and ‘posh’, male, heterosexual, single slim…etc. SO I gave up being PC and concentrated on trying to get people better. Unfortunately my ‘PC’ bosses did not agree! Hence me doing something else now outside big organisations – who quite frankly and generally awful. I DO hope EOB that you find a therapist who is effective, whether they are an ‘expert’ on you culture or is (more importantly) willing and able to see you as an individual by nature of who YOU are and also how you were nutured – within the culture of family, community and wider ‘tribe’/race. I think this is more important. Though I came from a ‘posh’ white background, I did not fulfil the stereotypes of those that saw me, beyond the shallow stuff. I certainly didn’t sit around drinking sherry and listening to opera, which is what I kept on having to say! Discrimination – and understanding and respect – goes both ways. BEST OF LUCK EOB. I would imagine that your tapping into sites like Daniel’s means that you will have the confidence to find the ‘right’ therapist for you – looking beyond the certificates and the superficial. 🙂
Hi Toby, could you help me? I was diagnosed with many different things- have been on ‘anti-psychotics’ for many years, 13 in total. Aged 31 I am now suffering muscle spasms- I was diagnosed with indifferent schizophrenia- abroad- that was my latest diagnosis abroad in 2007- 23 years old..at the time I remember them saying to me that it was organic, was that their way of saying I had suffered brain damage which was impossible to cure.. that I was retarded.?..I had been on olanzapine, quetiapine, clozapine, haloperidol, etc.before this. I was born perfectly healthy, no brain damage whatsoever…..or any accidents, I was bilingual, spoke 2 languages from a very early age….. I enjoyed music, playing the piano since the age of 6, violin, guitar. Looking back I was shy at school… was studious, never took drugs, enjoyed my music, and studying….I have been tapering off since 2013 from these psychotropics.. they have not been monitored since 2007 because quite frankly I did not want to see anyone..and just saw someone briefly in 2013 so that I could be prescribed the lower doses of drugs…since I would say 2014 I have felt paralysed from the neck upwards,, my neck seems to twist to one side…and having gone various times to my GP since 2014 without any help, I decided to do my own research…and heard about dystonia…do you know of any therapists apart from mind charity rethink, sane etc… who would be able to help… I am based in London..in the UK.. and am really desperate for help..
Hi Samantha, Sorry to hear of the many difficulties you have experienced, and the lack of clarity. Your brief story is depressively common….multiple drugs, side-effects, inevitable discrepancies as you seek help from different sources. It SOUNDS as if you have developed a quite rare side-effect. Tardive dystonia. I never saw a case in 20 years of psychiatry. It can happen bizarrely when you REDUCE antipsychotic medication. If you get it in the neck (a more common site for it) it resembles torticollis – a spasm of the sterno-cleido-mastoid muscle ( I think), causing twisting of your neck to the opposite side and upwards and restriction of movement …etc. THAT used be treated with botulinum toxin injections (botox – used long before its use now for wrinkles removal), though I am not sure whether it works for tardive dystonia or whether there are now more modern treatments. It is really unlikely that GPs would know about it as it is REALLY rare and specialist knowledge stuff. I am actually surprised that I remember it! I will go and look it up to check I remember correctly! You do the same. ‘Indifferent schizophrenia’ is probably something that losses something in translation from a foreign language. I SUSPECT it is – or sounds like – ‘undifferentiated schizophrenia’ OR ‘schizophrenia – not otherwise specified’ (different disease classifications (DSM 4 (USA) or ICD10 (UK) have a ‘specifically vague’ way or saying – “….well it sounds like schizophrenia (or depression or anxiety disorder etc) but it is NOT a ‘classic case’ that easily fits into the other types we’ve just listed…..so we’ll call it…’undifferentiated’, ‘atypical’, or ‘not otherwise specified’…….”. ‘Organic’ is another ‘specifically vague’ confusing word (whether you are buying foods or the medical use of the word for a mental illness!). ‘Organic’ suggests that there is a ‘physical’ abnormality. I have never used the term as far as I remember for a mental illness UNLESS there is a clear history of a physical trauma (such as head injury etc) and even better an MRI/CT scan evidence of a lesion to back up the ‘physical trauma’ – that precipitated the mental illness or ‘personality change’. I didn’t use the term because it just causes confusion as the patient goes and looks it up (as you have done) and understandably gets the impression that their doctors think they are ‘brain damaged’ or ‘retarded’ – as you have done. Jargon can be used for good but also can be VERY confusing and lazily used. Unless you have forgotten something you clearly were not born with nor acquired brain damage. No wonder you are confused! Though you have probably got sick of psychiatrists and understandably want to avoid them, I think it would be sensible to ask to be seen again – via your GP – I’m a little surprised they have not suggested it. I would have been concerned if a patient of mine had not been reviewed at least once a year and had access to a team of mental health workers, who could answer the questions you clearly have. It is imperative that you discuss this (sounds like) tardive dystonia with someone really on the ball about it. I am no longer practicing as I got sick of being told I was a trouble-maker for highlighting bad practice and laziness, while being wildly overworked. I have on occasions been happy to review someone’s medical notes for free, but only for people I know (e.g. a friend’s girlfriend’s son who I suspected had side-effects – akathisia – and got them changed to a better drug) as both they and I felt comfortable with it – and it has to be documented in the nhs or other official records that I have done so. IF you can be courageous enough to go and get reviewed but a psychiatrist and you are still unhappy….do get back to me. However before you do that….for your own peace of mind – check me out via google/GMC to make sure I am (or was kosher!)…..also tell the psychiatrist/GP that you are unhappy and want a ‘second opinion’. I could probably find a still practicing psychiatrist who you could check out to do that too….but I would suspect that they would reasonably want to charge for the several hours it would take to read through your medical notes and make suggestions. If you have a relative or trusted friend do talk to them about your frustrations and concerns. I really hope you get some answers and don’t feel desperate enough having taken further action to have to contact someone like me to get what you really should deserve to get from the nhs. Really best wishes for the future.
Toby
hi, toby,
thank you for your response. I have been a victim of psychiatric malpractice.. A bit of my medical history: In my medical notes it stated from one psychiatric consultant that his intention was to harm my brain and give me brain damage.. but this I read after he had told me one of the many myths that schizophrenia causes brain damage..to justify giving me psychiatric drugs I suppose..that sent me into a fit of tears and sobs. All this happened in 2005. I ran all the way to the hospital the following day…When I went to confront him, he then spoke to me like a nonentity and shouted at me.This sent me into a panic attack in front of him. Next thing I know is I am accused of kicking him and punching him, and he tried hard to institutionalise me. One consultant then writes back on my behalf and supports me. I was very underweight, and being forced to take drugs 20 mg of olanzapine by crisis teams. I refused, was told that it was my right to stop and suffered withdrawal effects. I lost my memory, did not know where I was and went to A&E in my pyjamas I would spend days on end sitting not knowing where I was..what time of day it was etc. Anyway I was sectioned for 28 days against my will and is an experience I will never forget for all the wrong reasons… horrible.. prior to this I had a wonderful memory which I miss and healthy brain… my teachers always commented that I learnt quickly and I would say I could remember many things.. I could sing.. I could compose,,,I look fine once you see me but this has debilitated me so much… my parents tried to write letters to consultants.. these were ignored..they were practically barred from any information…. . I don’t know…..I went abroad to a clinic and they said that I had suffered from the zyprexa.. quetiapine…etc etc and the many other drugs which I cannot remember had been very potent.. I was diagnosed parkinsonism… headaches.. and I had a brain scan MRI… anyway I was just thinking that maybe the abilify that I was prescribed may have even been a worse offender than the olanzapine, Seroquel etc..as I have been on it for over 7 years now.. they probably thought that I had brain damage from the drugs.. I could hardly vocalise anything… it is after 10 years that I am having to ask my self questions: why? why did they bear a grudge on me so much as to cause such harm..i internalised this grudge and hated myself…. now that I am confronting these questions. However the older I am the more I suffer and the more it hurts….I was relieved by your response, would you happen to know if dystonia is permanent.. I think it resembles what is called cerebral palsy.. .yet I was born perfectly healthy, and there are no genetic illnesses in my brain or in my family…how could they justify this I do not know.. anyway I will try to see a psychiatrist via my GP. I really need help.. and am quite desperate for answers. I would be prepared to see anyon e if they could give me any indication of hope.. I cannot change what happened but I would like a good quality of life…given my circumstances… thank you for responding to me once again..I can see you are one of the few, psychiatrists like you are in short supply…thanks Toby..
Hi there. I came across your website/blog by accident and was impressed by the ‘more-than averagely’ thoughful things said here (whether I agree a lot or a little in their content!?!).
I wish to say some stuff really overall to say – >JOLLY GOOD And that is the point…when a person has be starved of the ‘appropriate’ care (and that is really difficult to define – what is ‘appropriate’/good enough?) they will go out into life and be more vulnerable to NOT get what they deserve because they exude a ‘desperation’ (often well hidden) that others – predators (even if very needy themselves) spot as easy ‘care-givers’, to be abused in turn. OR alternatively don’t ask for care when they deserve it because they feel undeserving, so are handicapped in expressing love or whatever, Double whammy! <—————
I certainly don’t(nor did I ever) have all the answers…..
Whatever the ‘therapy’ – the road to recovery from ‘childhood trauma’ (or whatever it is called) – involves an individual being helped to recognise they need to first stop what they are doing – retreat to a ‘safe place’, think about stuff, accept the ‘hole of need’ (or whatever it is called), learn how to be with oneself first (love oneself – whatever). Only then will one be able to trust the RIGHT people – not the best at telling one what one wants to hear – and thus recognise appropriate love from others and give and take appropriately – ‘innate sociality’ I think were the words Jean Liedhoff used (mentioned elsewhere – which is in her Continuity Concept book) to talk about accepting and being within a community of respect and stuff . ‘Give and Take Appropriately’ is often talked about in the ‘Human Givens’ movement (can’t nb authors), which I don’t necessarily agree with as a theory or a ‘cure-all’, but has it’s sensible ideas in amongst the ‘we are REALLY right more than anyone else’ silliness.
What is so irritating about these ‘pop psychology’ guru types ( and more scary Scientologists etc) is they get rather over-excited about how amazing they are and get all cult-ish and otherwise absolutist. Then end up shagging a load of people (girls usually) or getting really rich and generally take advantage of the vulnerable and gullible – which is rather NOT the point of ‘therapy’ – enlightened ways etc.
Good therapist are good enough (though imperfect)– bad ones are bad, but are SO good at appearing amazing! – the first hurdle for the abused is to tell the difference – OUCH!
Hope this has been helpful to you …It has been helpful to me to think about it all again! and Regards
greetings!
–daniel
Hi Daniel – I left a rather TOO long post – and it got shortened (maybe understandably) by about 2/3. Did you receive the whole thing and cut it down? That’s okay I suppose. The result though is the post is a bit disjointed and rather misses the point of me writing. I copied and pasted so have the original…..await instructions. 🙂
hi toby
no, i didn’t cut it down. probably there’s some built-in limit to word length, but i don’t know. maybe you can break it up into parts and re-post?
daniel
Hi,
I really became puled towards your post, and I wanted to ask you, what do you think makes a bad therapist so bad, AND gives them what quality of being so good, and likewise with the good psychologists? Where have you learned and what gave you this type of understanding?
Cheers,
Sergio
Oops – Hi Sergio – I wrote a VERY long post and it was shortened by about 2/3! I wrote quite a lot about my experiences and personal stuff. Maybe Daniel would allow me to place the whole post (in sections if necessary – I spent a couple of hours writing!) that might go some way to answer your query? It’s ‘a little late’ (UK time 2.30 a.m.) and I just got up for a snack and noticed I got a response as forgot to turn off computer – but will return tomorrow, when brain in full order! ::
Hi Sergio – sorry It has taken so long to reply….life sometimes gets complicated (fortunately this time – mostly GOOD)…
I could be criticised for making the destuinctionbetween ‘god’ and bad’ therapist too black and white, when of course they are on a spectrum – and I do not believe that any therapist is ‘perfect’.
By the way my post of the 11th was too long for the site programme to cope with…..and I have now reposted it in full following advice from Daniel (thanks)
A ‘bad’ therapist is someone who could EG – blame the patient/client for not ‘ fitting’ the type of therapy that the therapist is using (a common one for purists which can be a trait of e.g. rigid CBT-ers) – whether consciously or otherwise….so when the therapy doesn’t work – it is the patient’s fault – thus perpetuating the ‘it’s my fault’ mind-stet that is so often part of the abused person’s ‘problem’.
The other issue is that therpists bang on about keeping a therapeutic distance and non-self-disclosure etc, which CAN be an excuse (and is certainly easier) for not getting ‘involved’ in the emotions of the patient.
I have found that the therapist has to MEET the patient/client ‘in the middle’ and engage them in a safe healthy therapeutic alliance where the patient (child) experiences how ‘it should have been’ with the ‘parent’ (therapist) and is de-sensitised from ‘good/bad’ shunting, that so plagues their adult lives. All meaningful relationships (and people) are actually somewhere between perfect and 100% awful…..
…..(continued)
The patient experiences the ‘intimacy’ of the therapist withpout the therapist crossing a line into ‘abuse’. Id you think about it most abusers have to groom their victims. The victims fear the grey of intimacy and affection…but paradoxically the only people they end up trusting as adults are the people most able to persuade them that they are ‘believable’ -ie the best liars…..who tell them what the want to hear….
SO the role of a therapist is to allow the cclient.patient tolearn that ‘care’, love’ etc is also about telling the truth, being able to be angry without being rejected (or worse), and NOT big dramas, emotional extremes, or trying harder and harder to be nice so the abuser will love them….
Sorry if I have waffled on….I did have to deal with people who were really traumatised and were self-harming, threatening and being rejected by mental health services as ‘untreatable’.
Hope that’s helpful in a specifically vague sort of way.
🙂
It was, and I’m just seeing it now. Thank you. It makes me think I have an excellent psychologist at the moment. I work with Dr. Ann Louise Silver, and it wouldn’t have been possible without Mr Mackler. So thank you for your response and thank you Mr. Mackler for showing me the door towards my recovery.
sergio—you’re welcome. and i’m glad to hear you’ve connected with ann silver. i like her very much. she’s been very helpful to me over the years, and i am grateful to her. daniel
Daniel, how has she helped you exactly, if you don’t mind me asking?
sergio,
it all started in 2005, when i wrote a paper critiquing gail hornstein’s book on the german psychiatrist frieda fromm-reichmann. it’s here, actually: http://wildtruth.net/frieda-fromm-reichmann ann silver was one of the first to read it, and was the first to see its value. i actually wrote about ann here on this website, and on how she helped me: http://wildtruth.net/commentary-on-fromm-reichmann-essay/
but even beyond this little essay, ann has been someone who is very generous of spirit with me. she saw my value in ways that almost no one in the mental health profession did up to that point. she became a sort of mentor to me in my growth in the field, especially around my writing and filmmaking about that thing labeled as psychosis. she was one of the first people whom i told i wanted to make a film on psychosis (back when i knew nothing about filmmaking), and she was very supportive of the idea (and many people were not — many thought i couldn’t make a worthwhile film that would reach a lot of people). she also was instrumental in getting me connected with david garfield, a psychiatrist with whom i wrote my first book, which got published by routledge: http://wildtruth.net/beyond-medication/ it was on her recommendation that he took me on as co-writer. and she was very helpful in getting another of my books published: http://wildtruth.net/a-way-out-of-madness/ ann also gave the main blurb for my film “coming off psych drugs”. you can see it here, at the top of the image: http://wildtruth.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/psychdrugs_image_larger.jpg basically, i like ann silver very much. she’s a kind, generous woman whom i respect highly and whose heart is in the right place. she’s also willing to take brave stands — publicly. i admire that. if more people in the mental health field thought like her it would be a totally different mental health system………… all the best!! daniel
I have been writing a series critiquing the psychology industry for Psychotherapy Australia and enjoyed your rationale for quiting therapy. One critic uses the lovely term ‘the psychological industrial complex’ and warns against the excesses of of over-pathologising individuals to create demand for therapy. Create demand increase profit. Have you come accross the work of Tana Dineen Canadian psychologist who wrote Manufacturing Victims. Very succinct analysis of the psychology industry.
Hi Maurice – sorry it took awhile to reply – got side-tracked with life! I have not read Tana Dineen’s work but I will certainly look it up. Though I am no longer work (salary anyway!) in mental health/psychotherapy I still am interested in it all! Thank you for the suggestion. I thoroughly agree (loosely) with the ‘manufacturing illness’ concerns. It certainly is going on now in the NHS – now that it is being morphed into a ‘business-model’ type outfit of generating demand. That’s why I had no option but to leave my job and do something a little more morally coherent! Cheers T
Hi Daniel!
Just finishing to read “Into the wild truth”, author: Carine McCandless: starting from the title, i think it’s a perfect example of the fact that there is just one truth, and people, before or after (or never), converge to it.
Hi Daniel , I am your fan Fernando, I am receiving an Haldol 50mg/ml depot injection every 60 days which gives me terrible negative effects. My glucose blood level is very high at 130, I`ve gained a lot of weight and my general health is terrible. With my psychologista we have been doing CBT and I have been having very good progress and I am in therapy with him for four months. I like cbt a lot . The psychologist sent me to a psychiatrist so I can be changed to some softer or milder tablets. I am going to talk with the psychiatrist about it so what can I suggest to him or if you could give me a suggestion of what the medications with the least negative side effects are. The haldol gives me terrible anxiety and nervousness the whole day and I can`t concentrate and work well. Are benzos, antidepressants, SSRI`s, antianxiolitics, mood stabilizers, typical antipsychotics or atipycal antipsychotics more recomendable? Which type of medication is the least potent and powerful and won´t cause me so much anxiety and will let me be alert and concentrated so I work well and cause the least long term damage? Maybe you know a drug or type of that is soft or mild and is used at the end of the process of tapering off drugs? My father forces me to take psych drugs and they cause me a lot of problems and are a terrible burden. He and the doctors have forced me to take medications and given me ect and have never asked me for an informed consent. He is abusing my human rights. Thank you Daniel
Hi Fernando, Though I have given up my medical practice within the NHS, and it sounds as if you are American (?) and so things are a ‘little different’ there…could I make a few suggestions? Please feel free to reject them all as it is not brilliant practice to comment based on limited information. These comments are about medication generally rather than you – the individual’ who is taking medicine……
It sounds as if someone has decided that you have to take medicine as you weren’t ‘very good’ at taking pills. This restricts the types of medicine you can take and unfortunately the depot meds CAN give people lots of side-effects – sounds as if you have akathisia, which is a deeply unpleasant restless feeling that drive people crazy. It is a little strange that you are on the injection only every 60 days, which means you are likely to experience variations in your levels (and thus the effectiveness) of the medicine… Why?
Because we don’t know the exact reason for you being on the Haldol (it can be used to ‘calm emotions’ as well as for schizophrenia or other psychoses) it is a little difficult to give specifics about alternatives…however – again writing about drugs in general…..each individual and the drug that suits them varies enormously (in the same why as one person might love marzipan and someone else hate it – I am the latter!). I would hope that the psychiatrist you see would at least consider a drug such as Quetiapine (also called Seroquel in the UK). Though it comes in slo release form the vast majority of my patients did not like this version and preferred the ‘normal tables. The good thing about them (among others) is that though it is recommended to take twice a day, it can of course just be taken at night. It has a calming effect (it can even be taken to help anxiety and sleep in depression in lower doses of 100-200mg at night). Though it TOO can cause side-effects (including the blood-sugar problems you have) it seems lesslikely to cause the restlessness (akathisia) that you have mentioned. It can (in the UK at least) be given WITH Haldol, and if it suits you, then the Haldol can just be left to fadeout of your blood-stream (takes about 2-3 months). The problem you have is that your father will be suspicious of you changing to a pill as it seems you don’t (or at least didn’t) want to take medicines in the past….so there might be a lot of negotiations to have with them! Another point…..IF you are taking Haldol( or ANY anti-psychotic) for a psychosis – then it is REALLY unlikely that you will be able to come off medication entirely. As a trained CBT therapist (too) for psychosis (and other conditions) I would be really careful to stop medications – certainly not after 4 months of therapy. I would like to add at this point that NHS doctors have no motivation to prescribe medications as we our salaries are unrelated to what, when, how much, we prescribe. Of course there are some dubious people in every profession who get bribed to peddle stuff, and the same is probably true of doctors (I went on a couple of nice conferences paid for by drug-companies in the past – but was not swayed by their ‘optimistic’ stories of how amazing their drugs were!). SO I am not saying that because I like it – or benefit from it – it is just the reality.
If however you are being prescribed Haldol for other reasons (such as for ’emotional dysregulation’ – jargon for – being all over the place with your feelings – a common consequence of childhood trauma or part of the diagnosis of ‘borderline personality disorder’ – then that is another matter. alsorts of medicines can (or cannot) be helpful, but it is rather hit or miss – so I can’t add anything more useful.
Best of luck Fernando. You really need to communicate really well about your fears and concerns, which is likely to be difficult.
Thanks for sharing all your work. I’m so encouraged by your idea of self therapy. I had to recently terminate my therapy with an amazing analyst due to overwhelming feelings for them. Oh well…So now instead of feeling distraught I’m feeling empowered!! Will be checking back often during my times of weakness.
I do feel bad for all the therapists out there though having to deal with people like me falling in love with them left and right!! 🙂
you’re welcome — and thanks for commenting. daniel
Ive sometimes wondered if erotc transference occurs when a therapist hasn’t done enough of their own healing and are still projecting unconscious needs of wanting to be liked or even loved. Then again, repairing our attachment wounds feels like a lifetime’s work and perhaps there is no such thing as a therapist that is so clear, he/she does not attract any projections. Just a hunch of mine.
insightful thought, david. i think that in a lot of cases you’re probably right on the money. i think therapists can induce ALL SORTS of things in their clients because of the therapists’ own unresolved and unacknowledged needs…..
-daniel
Absolutely…..the REALLY important thing is for the therapist to be aware of what they are feeling/experiencing and don’t get the wrong idea – or appallingly – take advantage (despite what some tosser therapists thinks – it is NEVER appropriate to have a sex relationship with a patient/client) – if the patient (client) starts ‘flirting’. This is VERY common in abused people and should ALMOST be expected. If the flirting is recognised (it does not even have to be addressed ‘head-on’) and used to convert into a trusting professional emotionally ‘intimate’ alliance, the patient will hopefully learn that they do not have to flirt (or conversely – reject) to get a response of ‘being cared for’ (loved) as they learnt very confusingly and form care-givers who used ‘love’ (‘grooming’) to get their evil ways. Sorry I have honed in on sexual abuse, but the same sort of thing applies to neglect, physical abuse etc too)
love your work Daniel – you’re way ahead of the curve and maybe in a few centuries/millennia people will laugh at how defended and resistant folk were to your concepts. Sadly, i think it will take that long for humanity to wake up and get more conscious. Like you I am plagued by somatic symptoms as i break away from my father – a holocaust survivor, and heal my attachment traumas. If you ever come to the UK id love to meet up and talk more.
dig it! thanks david. warm greetings to you 🙂
daniel
We do have a lot to learn. Agree with you 100%.
Dear Daniel,
are you going to be at the 20th International Meeting on the Treatment of Psychosis 2015 in Solingen, Germany?
Cheers!
Kristina
hi kristina,
alas, no…. in spirit, perhaps, though 🙂
daniel
Dear Daniel,
I would appreciate your take on my therapy situation.
I have been working with my therapist for almost a year and a half. This has included regular email contact. He is a fairly new therapist and not yet licensed although working towards it.
We finally uncovered that all my emails will be held as part of my permanent therapy record. He says he has to hold onto all emails with clinical content. I was unaware of this when I wrote all those emails.
The content of the emails is very raw and vulnerable and the idea of a court being able to subpoena those emails makes me feel sick to my stomach. My therapist says his hands are tied and he cannot delete the emails.
Is it legitimate for me to be worried about this? I am really mad that I didn’t get a warning that my emails would be part of my record. I would have been much more cautious about what I wrote if I knew this was the case.
Thanks
hi angela,
hmm, that is something i hadn’t thought about before. when i was a therapist people (clients) emailed me sometimes and i never told them those emails were part of their permanent record. but i guess it would depend if you emailed him at a private clinic email address, or part of a sort of encrypted email system that is connected to your medical records. for instance, i go to a regular doctor (for my physical health) and i communicate with him via a private encrypted messaging system where all our messages are retained as part of my record. i knew that going into it and i have no problem with it. however, if you are just sending him emails to his gmail or hotmail account i don’t see why he can’t just delete them….unless he really is very new and naive and is following every rule that he has heard to the “T”. also, if he’s still a student or intern he is probably being supervised by someone, and maybe somehow the supervisor is tying his hands. but it still sounds strange. but it does sound like your confidentiality is at risk, and when i was in situations like that (as a client) it didn’t make me want to engage much more in therapy. but i don’t know your situation. it may not be serious at all. all the best, daniel
The emails were through his therapy website where he has a blog and advertises himself as a therapist. I don’t know if that is a private encrypted messaging system or not. I do know that the emails are redirected to his Gmail account because sometimes he answers me from that.
He says he has to follow the law. He didn’t even know about the law until a few weeks ago when I was wanting to quit therapy. I was at a really low point of trusting him and said I wanted to see my notes which he put up a fight about. I still never got to see my notes.
I then asked him to delete all our emails and he said “I don’t know if I can do that.”
He asked his supervisor and then found out that in fact he could not delete the emails because the law says any emails with clinical content are part of the record.
Neither of us knew about this law but now he says it applies retroactively to our work. That hurts a lot.
I have been flip flopping for a while about whether to stay in therapy with him. There are a lot of really positive aspects of our relationship but a lot of hurtful things have happened too. It is my understanding that if things go well I will be getting angry and challenging him which is the point I am at now, so I am not sure if it necessarily means I need to quit.
well……that sounds like no fun. i wish i had a good answer for you. best thing i’d say is that i hope you can trust your gut and follow your heart…… daniel
Apologies for reading and adding something here. First I agree with Daniel (as a therapist – ex one – myself, and psychiatrist in the NHS – ex), that ti doesn’t all make COMPLETE sense. That said, the general rule (good practice) here is that any correspondence is better to be recorded. Based on such law as tarasoff (sorry for the spelling – where a client disclosed his murderous intent to the therapist and nothing was done and the client went on to attack (?kill) the victim) – the therapist also has to act if the disclosure might put others at risk. The same rule also ap[plies to the therapist’s emails (or other correspondence),which protects the client/patient. That said it is a shame that the therapist was not explicit about the records – especially if emails are a normal part of ‘therapy’. It was a occasional exception in what I and others did – but maybe that is a sign of ‘pre-technology explosion practice’ (I’m getting on a bit at 51!).
Another thing – you are ‘right’ to expect some pretty unpleasant feelings to come out in therapy and often anger, hatred (and more positive feelings too) can end up being directed towards them (and felt FROM them too!). It is hopefully a sign that you are processing the feelings that you were ‘not allowed to have’ in the past and have not been able to ‘use’ effectively in your more recent relationships (which may have lead to you getting therapy).
Honest communication with your therapist is important and might be difficult. I would hope that if is he is as ‘good’ as you hope him to be, then he will accept his part in the ‘miscommunication’ and you will both gather benefit from the adult’ ‘row’ that you have had (if you get my drift) and been able to get through as a sign of a mature, development in the therapeutic alliance.
If he gets all defensive and – ‘well of course I had to do that….’ type ‘parent talking to a child’ (but actually the opposite) way, then you may have to think again. Trusting someone involves the possibility of loosing trust with them, and ‘crises’ of confidence like these either strengthens the ‘trust’ – by revealing the willness to say ‘sorry I was not perfect but you can trust me’ or or reveals the lack thereof – i.e. you must trust =be because I am perfect and you are the one who is wrong’ (abuse relationship)!
Wild generalisations here, but I hope some use…:)
Best of luck
Hi Toby,
It is many months later and I just saw your response to what i wrote here. It has been a few months since I have taken a “break” from therapy.
I am feeling really grossed out by the fact that I spent thousands of dollars for treatment that was supposed to be for me, and it turns out part of what was happening was against my wishes.
I had no desire for my personal emails to be part of my record and I had no warning that they would be.
My therapist finally claims to have printed off the emails and is keeping them as a hard copy rather than in email “as a memory aid of all the topics we have discussed.”
Part of me thinks he is lying and they are still part of my record. I feel really gross about it. I didn’t sign up for this. There are hundreds of personal emails and I’m not sure why he wanted to waste so much ink and paper printing it out unless he is doing it for legal purposes.
Thanks for giving me your take on it though.
@ Daniel
Alice Miller: “She has never seen their mistakes”
http://www.taz.de/!127332/
german text !
Martin Miller about his mother Alice.
Lieber Wolfgang,
dank Dir für diesen Text. Intergenerationelle Traumtas sind auch für meine eigene Geschichte ein grosses Thema.
I don’t know, wether Daniel is able to read german 😉
but for this article about alice Miller I think he should try to…
Liebe Andrea,
ich vermute du sprichst perfekt Deutsch und hast nicht google translate benutzt:-)
Daniel kann einigermassem Deutsch. Leider gibt es das Buch von Millers Sohn nur in Deutsch. Daniel kenne ich seit zig Jahren, leider noch nicht bei ihm in USA gewesen. Miller kennt uns beide ! Ein längere Geschichte, letztendlich zum schmunzeln.
Bei mir bedankte Sie sich öfters, Hammer Texte. Hier einer davon. Miller 2008: „Sehr geehrter Herr Krapf Sie haben recht, es wird sich nichts ändern, wenn die Fachleute, die Hirnforscher, Vorträge vor ihren Kollegen halten, aber die breite Öffentlichkeit nichts darüber erfährt, wie die Kinder unter dem hochgeachteten Vorwand der Erziehung in den ersten vier Jahren zu Monstern oder / und Schwachköpfen zugerichtet werden. Es ist gut, das Sie sich darum kümmern wollen. Ich kopiere Ihnen einen Artikel den ich neulich in diesem Zusammenhang geschrieben habe…“
In dem Artikel macht sie Shonkoff (Harvard) nieder. Zwischen Ihren 13 Büchern und ihrem Privatleben (mit ihrem Sohn), liegen Welten. Deswegen heisst der Artikel: Sie hat ihre Fehler nie eingesehen. Leider kann ich nicht perfekt englisch, aber vielleicht kannst du dieses obige « grausige « Zitat von ihr übersetzen. Letztendlich gab ihr NeuroScience recht, denn der prefrontale Kortex hat normalerweise « Affekte » etc. im Griff, respektive das Kontrollzentrum, das auch für Decision Makings zuständig ist, weist seit frühester Kindheit ein neuronales Desaster auf: cell pruning.
okidoki. Will Daniels Blog nicht ellenlang mit Deutsch vollmüllen 🙂
liebe grüsse.
First time I heard about you was when I watch croatian TV show and you were guest there. I was very interested in your work and view on mental health.
What is your opinion about institutional education because you don’t think that (even) parents are capable for raising children without any form of abuse?
I’m writing a book about educational system in Croatia. I work as a kindergarden teacher and I don’t like situation in which I am. I expect to get fired after publication and some of my colleagues have the same opinion.
I watched several videos on your youtube channel, you are very radical, but I like it. It is a blasphemy in Croatia to tell someone that he or she is incapable to be a parent. Having children is like breathing – normal, almost compulsory. There is some kind of saying here about having children, I try to translate it to you. Almost exclusively, women are rationalizing motherhood. They say that women are giving birth to a child to themselves. It is normal to say ’She birthed a child to herself’. This is regarded as a success, especially if mother is in late thirties or in forties. Even single mother, even mental health patient, ex addict, no matter what.
Hello Bojan,
greetings — and thank you for your message. i enjoyed reading it. my experience on the educational system — not good!!! i think it’s in general a terrible system. i see it as preparing people more work factory work and prison than for a creative adult life. i was very good in school but i hated it. i also tried for a few months to teach music for pre-kindergarteners. that was in 1999. i loved the kids but found so many of the rules of the school idiotic and also many of the parents were totally backward. and many of the teachers were good people but burned out — and they would never speak up. they were making good money and had accepted the misery of their situation. i never returned to that job, and became a therapist instead. at least i could work independently as a therapist! wishing you all the best on your journey. to speak the truth is not easy!! daniel
I am a primary school teacher in Italy, i understand so well these words!
I think school is in a strategical position for help parents and sons, but fails daily because is an expression of the insane social system, the same that Bojan describes.
Me, too, i’m fighting every day for trying to protect kids, at least at school, but i am lonely and don’t know how long i can resist. Helps reading that others are passing by that right now, Bojan, thank you.
I don’t know much about you, but saying you are comfortable with the radicality of Daniel makes me think our stories are similar.
Kind regards
Hi Luigi!
You can contact me via email:
bradasinovic (at) yahoo.com
Hello Daniel,
By way of “spreading the word,” do you (ever) do book endorsements? If so, how might I entice you to (even) consider endorsing mine?
hi Dan,
well, no….i don’t do book endorsements, or never have. i get asked from time to time but it’s not really for me. but out of curiosity, what is your book about? all the best to you!! daniel
Sorry to hear that. As for what my book is about, “it’s” actually a series of five books. As they are full of new material, controversial, and are pre-publication, I’m reluctant to elaborate to any degree here. That said, the five go under the “constellation” title of,
“The Unutterable Theft—the Histories, Horrors, Parenting, Politics, and Religion of Frankenstein.”
1. Revolution
2. Prisoners
3. Escape
4. Stealth, and
5. The Suburbs of Utopia.
—which in themselves tell something of the run of the series. Suffice it to say that in discussing concepts like the “War between the Generations”—between the “Pandemonizing Parent” and the “Pandemonized Child,” the series augments the work of Alice Miller. Roundly, “Theft” is, “about power—how it used, abused, and (where necessary) overcome.”
The second book in the series (“2. Prisoners,”) focuses on the conflict between Zeus and Prometheus. One beta reader, on foot of a string of “OMG”‘s described it as “beyond eloquent.”
Are you by any chance a member of Goodreads.com? If so and given that your question hints at a possible reconsideration, then and if your further interested I can PM you there and tell you more.
ATB,
Dan
Hello Daniel
I am a fan of your films, music and your ideas. I am 45 years old and I am from Quito Ecuador in South america My father in an attempt to abuse me in his interests has followed me and persecuted with psychiatry in an exagerated way. He forces me to have Haldol depot injections which cause me terrible effects and harm not with the intention of helping me but to control my life and to to tke advantage of me and keep me drugged wit psych meds like a moron or an idiot . He has even forced me to have aproximately 25 ECT treaments. My father thinks he is the person that knows the most about mental health in the world. He wants to use exagerated diagnostics and tells exagerated stories and lies to the doctors. We had a coaching session with Chaya Grossberg and he never wnted to talk to her again and said she was crazy. He immediately says any body that doesn´t believe in psych drugs is crazy I ´ve made him watch your films and he gets very angry. He is a firm believer of psychiatry and and psychaitric drugs. I wanted to know if you know of doctors that treat with psychotherapy and not psych drugs here in Quito,Ecuador like in your films. I also wanted to know if you know of any antipsychiatric a or human rigths groups here in Quito, Ecuador to contact if they could help me. Do you have an idea what I cuuld do against my fathers iron grip over my rights and my life even though I am an adult.
Congratulations on your compasionate , progressive and efffective opinions and concepts of mental health.
Thank you for your help
Hernan Quito Ecuador
hola Hernan. greetings from new york! Yo tengo un contacto en Quito. El es un hombre que estudiando psicoterapia hace unos años y el ha comprado unos de mis peliculas… es posible que el puede hablar con tigo y tambien posiblemente ayudarte.
i will send you his email backchannel. all the best,
daniel
Dear Daniel, landed on the ward, with the full package of your song of pills … Haldol, Amisulprid, Akineton…..
BUT I’m still on the way! Believe me.Watch on, think of me!
…
Hey Daniel,
I’ve recent been watching your documentaries and listening to your thoughts and ideas on psychosis, and it has given me some hope on my struggle that I hadn’t have before. I was wondering if you could give me some advice, I recently talked to Mr. Bob Whitaker, and I feel you could perhaps know a bit more about this. My mild psychosis was brought about after a panic attack on marijuana. I had done some drugs prior, (LDS, shrooms) a few times, and had been smoking marijuana for a whole before this. I quit and for 2 months I had terrible ocd thoughts of harming others, sexual stuff, etc, and then I began having very paranoid thoughts about my family and just more and more delusions differing in theme, its been 20 months since all this started, and somehow, I have always been able to retain my insight about all this. It’s very scary not knowing what is exactly wrong with me, who to go to, or even if I’ll recover. I have taken no drugs since then, and I was one a neuroleptic one day and things were exacerbated. I know it was drug induced, all of this, but I don’t know which way to go about it. Is there any way I could hear your thoughts on this? It might give me some idea into what I should do next.
Thanks Daniel.
Sergio
hi sergio,
greetings. well — it’s hard for me to tell from a distance what’s going on, but sometimes i have seen with people that some really wild stuff (the stuff called “psychosis”) can come out when people take drugs. but it’s stuff that was in there — i think the drugs just lubricate its appearance. also, all that stuff is usually metaphors for other stuff — so it’s a question, if i’m on the right track here, to figure out what that stuff means and where it is coming from. i personally tend to focus in my own life on the childhood trauma stuff. sometimes a therapist can help — if they’re good — but also self-therapy might help too. and support from others who have gone through similar wild experiences can be very helpful. but that all depends on where you are located and if you are able to find others. some people are able to connect with others online — as there are a lot of people who go through similar things and have come through them fairly successfully or very successfully. i write a lot about self-therapy — not sure if it would be helpful to you, but you can feel free to check it out if you wish. http://wildtruth.net/on-self-therapy/
you might also like this site, though perhaps you’ve already seen it: http://beyondmeds.com/
however, with stuff of the intensity you’re describing it can be overwhelming for some people to face it alone in self-therapy. it’s just a question of finding one or more good people for support. not always easy — but perhaps quite possible. wishing you the best on your journey! daniel
Thank you so much for your response Daniel. I majored i psychology from University here in the U.S in Austin, Texas, and I think that I studied it because I wanted to fix myself and all my problems in my family, I guess I have been failing quite miserably at that lately then. I have a question for you about what you said in regards to recovery and that its something that its already there. I watched your open dialogue documentary twice, and your healing childhood traumas video. I eel as if you believe that psychosis can be fully healed, but you also seemed to say that people ave come out through them quite successfully or very successfully. Do you mean to say that they fully recovered? I try really hard to uncover why this is happening to me but I feel like I don’t have huge traumas anymore, and at the same time I do. Its hard to explain. One thing that has been impossible for me has been to find people who have gone through what Ive been going through and have recovered. Drug induced, etc. I haven’t found anyone really. Some people say im not suffering from delusions and its obsessions, etc. Idk whta to think. I live in San Antonio, Texas and I’ll be moving to Colombia for 6 months quite soon. I truly and deeply appreciate your help.
Sincerely,
Sergio
hi sergio,
i think there are tons of people everywhere who have gone through psychosis and come out the other side — but they just don’t talk about it so people don’t know. in my past i’ve had some pretty paranoid times on drugs (marijuana) and came out of it. but mine weren’t too intense and didn’t last long, thankfully. i’ve known others for whom the intense times lasted a lot longer. i think some people also pass through psychosis and come out the other side without really healing their traumas. others can heal them. sometimes i think healing the traumas can make the journey more intense. perhaps some people bury the traumas in some ways — and that makes it easier to heal. these are just my ideas — i think it can be really different for everyone. but healing traumas is hell, that i have seen. i don’t personally know anyone in san antonio who’s gone through it, but have you looked up john breeding? he’s a psychologist who talks about healing psychosis, i believe, and i think he’s somewhere in texas. all the best to you — y buen viaje a colombia. no he ido a sudamerica y quiero ir…. i guess you saw colombia mentioned in “open dialogue.” it also gets a mention in “take these broken wings” (another of my films, which i think you would really like) — better recovery rates there in colombia than in the united states 🙂 daniel
Daniel,
I really want to know what you mean by “come out the other side” and “recovery”? For me, I mean fully healed, no paranoia,no crazy thoughts, no fighting for my sanity, just waking up and not being afraid of how the Day is gonna go anymore. Yeah I saw that, that’s what gave me hope. I’m going to find John breeding and ask him what he thinks. I’ve been dealing with a lot of traumas since all this started happening.. You think that’s why it might be taking so much longer for me to recover? I hope you go sometime, esta hermoso!
well, to be honest i’m not really even sure what i mean!! what you write sounds so much more clear and real. for me sometimes it’s just words to cover so many different experiences of so many people. i don’t know why i even use the word recovery. i don’t like it myself. yours words are more clear.
anyway, i’m exhausted — bedtime. gracias 🙂
daniel
Hello Sergio:
You are not alone. There are other people in the world going through something similar. I see from what you write that you want a solution, but from my own experience I learnt to live day by day, and make the best of it. Faith is very important in healing, so never lose hope. Things that have helped me are exercise, meditation, proper nutrition, vitamins, sunlight. If you want to read about other people’s experiences there are facebook groups you can join. I like The Icarus Group in particular. From what You wrote I understood you were not medicated and that it’s been only 20 months. I am no expert but there should be hope. The other thing is you mentioned the word “Recovery” many times. What do you mean by recovery? Going back to the old You before the psychosis? Being free of psychosis? Or being able to function and work in Society despite the psychosis? ……..i am from South América. Daniel, should really consider visiting South América!! Wish you the best. A.
Adriana,
thanks for the support. By recovery I mean fully healed, not having these thoughts and needing,to discern fact from fiction In my head.ita so painful, especially thinking I’m losing my mind,more and more rather than heading towards the light of sanity. I wish I knew. Thanks for taking the time to write about this. I function relatively well in this world, its just that I feel sad and in despair a lot because of what goes on my head. It impedes ne from,moving forward and making decisions to live a fully realized life.
Hi Sergio,
I’m currently living in San Antonio, Texas. What treatment options have you found here? I’m wondering if you’ve had any luck.
All the best,
Linda
Hey i was wondering if you want to team up to help fight against Spiritual People being forced into Psychewards ……..Thats Bullshit hahah let me know! I was forced atleast 5 times and I have had enough! Have a great day! Bless!
Best Wishes,
Adam
Looking back more then a year now, Daniel…it’s kind of odd and strange…your music helped me very much opening up to a deity (and later deities)………………while………….you are an atheist ! ….. or I am wrong here?
i don’t know. i don’t worry too much about labels. i guess you could say that i’m an atheist, though i don’t really use that term for myself. i have faith in a lot of things that are rather unusual, based on my experience.
well, though occasionally in some contexts i use the term atheist. but often i don’t.
Daniel, on your beautiful website, I want to share my honest and true love for you as a hero, a beacon of light, somebody who has a beautiful most splendid place in my heart and in my soul, who is a keyfigure of spreading love on this beautiful planet. And through you I want to say thank you very much to Peter Breggin. I’m not exagurating and asking for a rescue-call. Through theses words I want to express my honest and deep eternal love to you both…thank you very much.
Dear Daniel,
I just broke from My parents – or better: started to do so. Thursday. Three days ago.
I had help from my Shiatsu therapist and friend – teaching me a Ritual, which now has to be repeated till the boundaries are Finally Cut.
It Feels Like it will take time, But it Is working! Strongly. And I am ready to go. Finally after Years of Schizophrenia diagnosis and escapimg into Madness…..
Just thought it would be good to let you know – I’m on the way!!!! Watch me!
Thanks for being who you are – and sharing that gift
Andrea
Hello Daniel. I wonder what is your opinion/point of view about diet/veganism. What is your perspective on strict veganism, do you consider it ethical choice not to eat animals? Are childhood trauma and disconnection from your feelings contribution to being meat eater, or opposite, you project your inprisoned child onto animals and try to protect them from what you experienced.
hmm, well — i eat meat. i can’t say i feel it’s 100% ethical (cruelty to animals), but i’ve noticed that my body feels better when i eat some meat — though not too much. i used to hunt when i was a teenager (small game — rabbits, things like that) and i felt in a way that was more ethical, more honest, than just buying factory meat. but now i really don’t think i have the heart to shoot animals anymore. but maybe i’m a bit of a hypocrite by buying meat, hmm… daniel
It seems to me the same. Hunting is more honest. But what is happening in factory production is horrible. I eat meat from time to time too, but I struggle with it. Thanks for your response.
Hi Daniel. I enjoyed your video on psychotherapy a lot and I share a lot of your views. Would you be able to recommend a good therapist in the Santa Monica/Los Angeles area or somebody who does online sessions? I would appreciate that.
hi carrie — off the top of my head i don’t know anyone in that area. but maybe i have some other ideas. i’ll send you a backchannel email.
daniel
Hello Daniel~
I luckily fell upon your blog madinamerica- really appreciate your story. I am a therapist working towards my LCSW and relate on many levels- already. It frightens me how draining our work can be. It frightens me more that my body reacts to it as it has and I wonder just how much I can absorb. Your story inspires me to think bigger as far as how I may be able to do such rewarding work in a more flexible and creative way.
Felicia
hi felicia. thanks for your comment — and i hear you! daniel
hi Daniel! I am interested in the work in Finland, for my son. I couldn’t get their address, though. Would you kindly pass it on to me? It is quite urgent now… thanks very much, & congratulations for being at the front of this struggle! it is such a poignant need, and there are just so few people that we can ask for help! nice to count on you! I just would not be able to live in NY!
hi sonya,
unfortunately, i don’t think they can do much, if anything, for you in finland. their program only accepts local people–from that part of finland. even if you have a lot of money you can’t take someone for treatment there. also, i read of your situation earlier on this blog and i didn’t have any easy answers. that’s probably why i didn’t post anything until now. so, one important question regarding your situation is about how much money you have. it’s a sad reality i see in the world. if you have more money you have more options. but regardless, lots of money or not, i think it is best to try to stay local if you can, find local support and local help. the question is, what is available in brazil near you……i am not sure. i might know some therapists there, though, who have ideas. all the best, daniel
dear Daniel
schizofrenia, for me, relates to a main loss of faith, of trusting in ourselves & others & the world. And I have been strugglin’ all these years for keeping the flamme on. It may be part of the game. Brasil now is very chaotic, we’re undergoing a big crisis on politics, social attitude, water, rainforest, and so on. I have spent, I guess, all resources available. Mental care is downhole, and I am/ will still bel struglin for my son… if he does not recover completely, I am sure that he still can lead a simple but more meaningful life. It is not easy. I need to find help. If you do know any therapists down here who can do it, please let me know. I can work and pay for his treatment, as I always did. So, please give me your hand, if you can. Have you ever heard of Dr. Nise da Silveira?(Jung) Dr. Eliezer Mendes (Psychotranse). Bispo do Rosario? They’re very special people, from Brasil, they dedicated their lives to deal with this stygma… and did a good job. I guess I will be giving my contribution, as simple as it may be, before I die. That’s all I can do, and, as you know well, it’s a hard job. Give me a hand, and I will do the best from it, I promise you. Thanks a lot, all the best
hi sonya
i have not heard of those doctors in brasil. what is their opinion on what will help your son? and what does your son want?
daniel
sonya — here’s another option. this fellow, sean blackwell, lives in brazil. i haven’t met him personally, but i’ve had some contact with him and i wonder if he could be useful to you. daniel
http://www.bipolarORwakingUP.com
Hi Sonya,
I heard via the spiritual crisis network UK about Emma Bragdon. She dös regulär Trips To Brazil and recommends the work there warmly. Maybe She Can help…
Heres her Website http://emmabragdon.com/brazil-trips/
Greetings from Switzerland
Andrea
Hey Daniel.
You know what would say Alice Miller to the following text: Spiritual practices such as meditation, prayer, yoga, as well as finding meaning and purpose in life are considered vital to optimal wellness, etc.
I always say. If it works, everything is OK:-) But overall: The best therapy is a safe bond.
Dear Daniel,
I watched all of your documentations, and watched all the youtube-videos from Sean Blackwell.
In my very humble opinion they are the best about psychosis, that I’ve watched so far. I’m only missing a documentation made by you about the actual work, that Sean and friends do with their clients. Such a documentation would be a great addendum to your Open Dialogue/Soteria/Healing Homes-Series … 🙂
Best regards! And thanks a lot for your work
I really enjoyed your video about schizofrenia/depression featuring the Icelandic woman and man. I would like to help a friend of mine and I’m wondering if you have any info about healing bipolar disease without medication? Thank you very much!
hi marisa — you’re welcome. hmm, healing bipolar. well, most of my films are technically about that thing called schizophrenia, but really i think a lot of things that help in distress apply to lots of people, regardless of diagnosis. my other films are here if you want: http://wildtruth.net/dvd/ my film “coming off psych drugs” has a couple or more people with a history of the bipolar diagnosis. meanwhile, some of these essays might be useful to you: http://wildtruth.net/on-self-therapy/ also, check out the website madinamerica.com — might be good stuff there. all the best, daniel
Hanna Lundblad-Edling is not on Facebook. I have sent a message to Karina, already. Thanks, I am chasing The Caring Home in Finland, now, & want to know if there’s more of them, & where they are… thanks, anyway
ok, thanks for all of you kind people, who helped me out… I will get there!
Check out the family care foundation sweden internet website for contact information…good luck
Hi Daniel,
I have read your books and watched your videos and i am well aware of the wounds parents can inflict on their children and that got me doubting and questioning whether my parents really loved me. but what if some accident happened and my body gets paralysed, in such a situtation i cant even imagine then anyone in this world would look after me and take care of me other than my parents. does that mean that my parents really love me? is this an unconditional love?
hi ravi — good questions. hmm, i want to try to answer as best i can. i think parents can love their children but often some part of the love is sick. sometimes part of it is not sick. for instance, i think my parents loved me in some ways and really did not love me, or love me properly, in others. they were wounded people and they acted out their wounds on me. and they also shared some gifts with me. as for whether or not your parents “really love you”, i do not know, because i do not know your situation. sometimes i am not even sure how much my parents love or loved me. and was their love to me unconditional? my experience, unfortunately, showed me in many ways over many years that it was not. all the best, daniel
sono in Italia, in Basilicata.Due figli psicotici che vorrei smettessero i farmaci fossero seguiti dallo staff di dialogo aperto. Posso farli curare in Finlandia con spese a carico del sistema sanitario italiano? grazie
Hi Daniel:
Your youtube video in which you critiqued the modern practice of psychotherapy helped me so much. I am about to complete doctoral studies in spirituality and psychotherapy and I do love counseling as a profession, though I haven’t formally practiced yet. I’m at a cross-roads, not sure where to find my fit in the field. I perceive that with all my training, I may find my destiny doing something completely different but always having the heart of a Counselor – being able to invest myself in that which exalts life – at an individual and system level – because that is what I think our work is about.
I was so inspired by your magnanimous sharing and your humble, creative, masterful approach. Wishing you God’s choicest blessings as you continue on your journey, in your work and in all that you do.
Love
Dionne
Dear Daniel,
I’m not sure if you remember me – Renata from Split, Croatia. I hope you’re doing well.
Please , if possible, give us your permission to put all of your work (films etc.) translated to Croatian on you tube. I urge you to realize that Croatia is a backward Balkan country deeply corrupted and it’s vital for us – activists – to make pressure using every possibility we have to promote mental health in our really backwards country where people are treated in our mental institutions worse than animals. This is very serious and please think and help us any way you can.
I have one very important question for you, as I’m in the midst of Ludruga falling apart – 6 persons left and there are some serious accusations about Ksenija Kapelj coming to me from translator Ema Dražić. The reason I have serious doubts about Ksenija – the sole and only reason is the fact that she lied to me that she was an architect after I hosted her in my home. Ema Dražić, translator, informed me that Ksenija presented your coming to Croatian TV as her idea and not mine. I was the one who made the initial contact with Krešimir Mišak. Did Ksenija tell you that she was an architect ? She told me she lied to me about her qualifications – and now I’m very confused. That’s the sole and only reason why I’m asking you if Ksenija presented to you your appearance on TV as her idea. The fact that 6 persons left Ludruga is quite an ugly situation, a step back and a serious blow.
I’m also on couchsurfing and as I told you, you are always welcome to come to my home as a very dear friend, as your work was a revolution for me. Also, please feel free to tell any of your friends and contacts that they can contact me if they come to Split and whenever possible I’ll do my best to let them use my guest room.
Thanks again and greetings from Split.
Renata
Hi Daniel
Thank you for sharing your work – I got to see your documentary on Open Dialogue last year in Melbourne and it was very inspiring.
I’m an Australian mental health worker in a community run organisation (MI Fellowship Victoria). We have a big focus on peer support, peer-to-peer education, family support and anti stigma work in the community. In March this year a colleague and I will be attending the International Society for Psychological and Social Approaches to Psychosis in New York, are hoping to visit and learn from some East Coast colleagues. I wondered if you might be attending the conference and would like to catch up for a chat – or if you might have any recommendations for places or people we could visit that are doing:
– partnership work between consumers and clinicians, especially in creating alternatives to hospital or crisis services
– good peer support initiatives that are making a difference
– anti stigma or Mad Pride work that is helping build connection and belonging in communities
– whole of family work to support recovery in the long term
I understand that you are very busy, and I hope this request isn’t an inconvenience – feel free to ignore if so!
Hello Daniel,
How are you doing! I am learning about your ideas and also read your book “BFTP”. This is sort of personal question for advice but if you know something about it please respond.
I live in Finland I have been in talk therapy for about 10 sessions but that did not work so i have been to psychiatrist now. I just visited psychiatrist yesterday who prescribed me a drug named “VENLAFAXIN”. He said this drug works best if you combine it with with discussion therapy, exercises, etc. and he said don’t be afraid by internet horror stories and trust me and use exactly how i tell you (very low doses to high steadily) this is be very helpful for your depression (which i got 24 in Beck’s depression inventory questions).
What do you think about this? Can you suggest me something, i would be very grateful.
Regards
I’ve just seen the new film by the mexican Alejandro Iñarritu, Birdman, and I think that the ideas behind the movie are very similar to Alice Miller books and the content of this website and the ideas of Daniel. I am pretty sure about the director has read something related with. For me it is a very good film and I want to recomend it. This is the link about the film in wikipedia: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birdman_(film)
Hello Daniel, I’ve been watching your vídeos and reading your articles on this website. Great job you are doing!! I find all the information very useful and inspiring. You are a great communicator when you speak and when you write. Your message is reaching other countries (I am from Latín America). It must be great to work in something meaninful and help others. Hasta luego.
Hi Daniel. I would like to say thank you for all your work as well as all the work you’ve done on and within yourself to be able to produce your work! You’re a true and rare inspiration. I’ve watched most of your YouTube clips and just recently read Breaking Free from your parents – which I’ve done – physically and I’m still seperating And integrating the psyche part of it. I feel safer and more solid, more myself each day. It’s also increasing my self compassion as I look back with new eyes on the gravity of what I’ve survived.
When I watch your YouTube clips I feel grateful to be taking in information from a radical, free thinker who has deprogrammed himself from the dominant paradigm to a degree that you just flow with insight, wit and stuff that I find really interesting. So thanks. Love having a few chuckles even when listening to such multifaceted deep topics.
I’m not sure what your situation is but I feel you’d be an amazing and wonderful father if you ever met the right woman and had the desire. I recently was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I have a daughter and a partner. I’ve been through hell. If I had of known before I gave birth I wouldn’t have had a baby but I didn’t undertand despite 15 years of healing and 200 hours of therapy. My psyche was split at age 5 years. Now we have a family and we know the value of true love. Our daughter is a delight and I believe we are to her and each other too. We have a good vibe in our home. Something I never had.
Thanks again for everything – for being you!
hi jane
good to hear from you. hmm…..yes, i probably would be a better-than-average father — and i’ve been told that a lot over the years (especially because i get on well with kids, too). but…..it’s just not my calling…… too many other things i want in life, and i just feel the world is better if a lot of us don’t have kids and instead focus on growing from within (but i guess you know my point of view by now!!!). meanwhile, thanks for the comment – wishing you the best — daniel
Hello,
I`m from Croatia and today I have watched you on a local TV. I liked verry much some of the things you said. Some, not all…well probably about 98% ;)….so u have a new fan! Yea! But I just had to respond to this post. I really do think that you should have children and then try to analise parenting. You probably would be a good father….but…you can`t know untill u have a child and that child is grown and then starts sharing all the trauma you put him or her thru….yes…no matter how hard you try tere is always something! Life always get`s to us. Life is not a book. Now I’m talking about things I saw and experienced whit my family and friends. My son is 11 years old and hasn`t start sharing his trauma whit me yet…I always hope that one day he`l say my parenting was great …I can dream untill he hits puberty;) You said that a good parent has to take care of himself to be able to take care of a child and I agree 100%. That`s it. A stable person is the best support for a child…for everyone axually. But we don`t take care of urselfs, we are not used to. I dream of a world where everyone looks inside themselfs to find answers to problems and not at others. People always concentrates on the outside world to find exuses, to find someone and something that is responsable of all the trouble. But we all have to find answers in our selfs. Ohhh I could write for days…but that`s your job.
I`m a nurse,I like to observe people, think about why they do the things they do, so it was verry interesting to listen to your conclusions. Your`e energy is contageus!
And I do wish you a child of your own;) There is no greater love.
Sorry for my spelling.
I wish you all the best.
Stefan Molyneux listened in on wife’s therapy sessions with clients. Just putting it out there since I don’t think you had this information when you were on his show. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/controversial-podcaster-listened-in-on-therapist-wife-and-clients-lawsuit-alleges/article22158708/ http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x24eeb1_molyneux-harasses-his-wife-s-patients-breaches-confidentiality_new
intense! i had no idea about this. i actually don’t follow stefan’s work much. i wonder what happened. certainly he angered some parents in the past by suggesting that kids break from their parents. i’m not sure how much he pushed people to break from parents. i think pushing is not a good idea — people need to do whatever they’re going to do in their own good time. as for his listening in on his wife’s therapy sessions and commenting through the air vents, if that did happen as he supposedly claimed it’s pretty weird — for both him and his wife — and certainly not something to boast about, rather, to be ashamed about. i wonder what will come of all this.
thanks for sharing it, mike,
daniel
Hi Daniel
I think Stefan Molyneux is a truthful and decent person. I actually first discovered you through Stefan’s channel and I’m so glad I did. I’ve been following your work with enthusiasm and immense gratitude for a relatively short but very meaningful period of time.
Regarding the scenario above, I believe Stefan was trying to be ironic and humorous when he said those things. I know that Stefan is a huge advocate of therapy as a result of his own positive experiences so I really doubt he’d behave in such a disrespectful way. It certainly does come across as being offensive and I believe ultimately did get both him and his wife into quite a lot of trouble. However, the 1min 20sec snippet was taken out of the original context and probably deliberately presented in a sinister light. Sadly, it would appear that some people who have nasty things to say about Stefan also have nasty things about you too Daniel. Have a look at this twisted article http://www.fdrliberated.com/daniel-mackler-stefan-molyneux-evil-fraternity-parents/
There’s usually no shortage of people trying to tear down the truth tellers and I really feel that you and Stefan are somewhat kindred spirits on a very similar mission and it would be awesome to see the two of you collaborating and sharing ideas together again in the future! 🙂
Caroline
thanks caroline — ha, yes, i did read that nasty thing about me. someone sent it sometime back. people can be silly and mean. and i have heard from some others that he was just joking about that thing about listening and commenting through the air vents. certainly there are some out there who don’t like him and search for ways to destroy him, whether they take what he says in context (which is ethical) or not (which isn’t). however, i still have mixed feelings about him. one thing, though, that i do respect him for, is that he has helped a lot of people. i know several people who don’t follow him any more and criticize his limits but still say he was vitally important to them on their journey to grow and know themselves better. so for that, regardless of all else, good for him! thanks for your comment, and greetings 🙂 daniel
Thanks for your reply Daniel. Just out of curiosity, is there anything in particular you could pin point that gives you those mixed feelings about Stefan?
I’ve noticed that he does tend to talk about his growth process mainly in terms of the past tense these days and he rarely reveals any hint of what could be perceived as vulnerability or weakness. I personally enjoy the more gradual and continuous growth process that you model with an emphasis on the journey (healing) not just the destination (being fully healed).
I think Stefan has helped a lot of people too and he continues reach out to new people and expose them to new concepts that may be life-changing to them so for that, I agree, he’s doing a fantastic job! 🙂
Caroline
well, i agree with what you wrote about him seeming “done” with his growth process. also i found him grandiose. and though i haven’t listened to his show much i sampled a few where he talked with some vulnerable callers and i didn’t like some of his advice and thought it quite hasty and potentially hurtful. and i read two of his books (one on real-time relationships and the other on universally preferable behavior) and didn’t like them, which surprised me because they came so well-recommended. i found them long-winded, illogical at times, and not particularly original. all this together caused the mixed feelings. all the best — daniel
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response Daniel.
All the best
Caroline
Caroline, what do you think of the perspective on Stephan I describe in this mini-series of videos?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWbG8BmPWH0
All the best,
Marc
After nearly forty years of academic study I find it strange that if I start to examine anything to do with the bible it still sparks in me the same as others prejudices. For myself I must ask where they originate and Daniel Macker offers a number of explanations some of which I have been so prejudiced against that I have found myself altering them.I like most other people failed to read the text or give it a chance because it attacked some of my deeply entrenched belief systems it named names, told me about old enemies and gave me stark warnings, things I did not want to face or feared, old memories, recollections ,coping strategies and behaviours.I do not classify myself as religious, but I am able to challenge myself and my belief systems.Because I believe THE truth will set me free ,please note this is not MY version of the truth. I after a lot of thought published here to enter into an open debate not on the sermon on the mount but on an interesting discourse on marriage,relationships on the pathology of our current lives.
Hi Daniel,
A friend of mine forwarded,your site to me. I like your integrity and yor pursuit of your highest self.
I write to you specifically because of the relationship between parents and child you discussed. Specifically your own and mine. My mother was an addict of various substances throughout her life, she was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive towards me. My brother having that model of behaviour as superior was much the same. My father was away a lot and shut downed emotionally when things get bad.
I left home when I was fifteen. Travelled, partied, experimented, learned along the way. I recognised at 12 that my home situation was untenable. To save myself, I left 3 years later when things got out of hand. That was in 1991.
My mother suffered a brain aneurysm in 2003. I had a family and felt pretty steady for a long while by then. But my mother’s aneurysm and meeting with death unleashed a lot of what I thought I had worked through. With 3 children now, while I am not much like my mother, there are traits always that I could link very closely to attachment theories.
I am a yoga practitioner of 15 years, ad the journey inwards has been such a blessing and a teacher. My perspective is one of cyclical, karmic cycle if you will. Certainly, I am more compassionate with myself when I find that internal object that is my parents, and in that, I am much more harmonious with myself and my folks. The dynamics hasn’t change, as they say, it takes two. But because I have, I love and forgive them and so am free, and found my lightness of being.
A monk can find the stillness and peace wandering through the glorious nature, and if he can maintain the same mien standing in the middle of time square, he is truly free.
Thank you for your courage and sharing. May your journey forth bring more fruitful insight into,your way of being
thank you Maureen. sending warm greetings to you, daniel
Dear Daniel,
I thank Allah that I found something honest in the healthcare industry – as usually called. I believe the true speach reflects correct thoughts that will bring back true mankind.
Thanks
you’re welcome Ayoub!
Hello Daniel,
please click. You are on board with a VID. Miller too, with a old mail to me, about HELLINGER.
http://martindeeg.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/erklarungsansatze-ohne-feindselige-motivationskomponente-ist-gleichgultigkeit-feindselig/comment-page-1/#comment-1849
Practice your German skills 🙂 I embrace you. The Blog Content PAS.
your old friend wolfgang.
ooops.
the video of you – in the blog – see link – is from April 20. My daughter has birthday on the day. Did you forget to congratulate her 🙂 I hate you! Miller, too. You know 🙂 Mr. X !!!
Mackler. Thanks for your web site. I am glad to have found it after reading AM for a # of yrs now. Your site is so extensive that I need more time to digest it and then will re-contact you. Nevertheless, BRAVO and such good work you have done…
It is so ‘funny’, I contact profs at 2 u. near me and none of them know about AM -astonishing. What does that say about their educaton? or curiosity?
In the future I would like to combine her work with P.E.T. and of J. Venema’s ‘PresentChild’ work.
Blessings,
jay
(pls email me)
@ Jay. @ Daniel
… and none of them know about AM.
Hi Daniel, can we believe that? That‘s not curiosity, that‘s crazy – in germany the same thing. Wishes…
Hello Daniel:
Just saw your video on “Healing Psychosis”, really liked it. I went through a Psychotic break 8 years ago and was put on psychiatric meds against my will, have been on them since then. Have seen little improvement, lots of side effects (weight gain, pre diabetes, hipothyroidism), new symptoms appeared which I didnt have prior to the medication. You mentioned you have seen people recover from severe “disorders” without medication, but is there hope for people like me who have taken medications for years? Is it possible to quit meds completely without suffering or at least decrease the dose? So glad I found your videos. Great Job you are doing!!!! Thank you. Adriana
Dear Mr. Daniel Mackler I have a psychologist that has put a missdiaggnoses on me how due I find another psychologist in the Washington state area that takes medicare insurance and can help me with my emotional needs.
Daniel, my 17 -teen year old son is admitted to the hospital 05/09/2014 because of psychoses . This is very first time that is happening to him as well to me as parent. He lived many trauma as child from abusive father. I protected him as much as I could as his mother , but I was verbally as well physically abused by the same person which is my ex-husband. now.
Finally I found courage to divorce but me and my children are still exposed to the violence.
My son is still in hospital , still in psychoses and heavily medicated ( they experiment with medications ) plus they forbid me to come to visit him . I am despaired . Still I try to do the best and try to find way how to help and give courage to help my dear child. Finding you open dialogue documentary film gave me all hope and so much strength to keep going. God bless you and you loving sole. I am living in Canada in Montreal . If you have any clinic , psychiatrist to who I can referee and bring my child I beg you do it. You or anybody else on these forum. I wish you all the best ..keep doing you amazing loving work……Zorica
hi zorica. greetings from nyc.
here is my best idea for eastern canada: http://www.gifric.com/388.htm
it’s supposed to be an excellent place for psychosis — best in canada, from what i hear. but french-speaking. i don’t know if you or your son speak french. if not, maybe at least they have some ideas.
all the best — hope this is a lead in the right direction.
daniel
Hi Daniel!
I hope you don’t mind me chiming in, I’m in a similar situation as zorica with my daughter. I’m wondering if you can assist me in finding, or would know of any treatment centers with if not the same, a similar concept as open dialogue, dealing with psychosis in North america (Traveling from London) also, are you familiar with earth house in NJ?
What do you think of their approach?
What would you consider to be the best approach in dealing with psychosis?
well, in london there is the arbours and also philadelphia houses, and definitely the hearing voices network (my highest recommendation). i wouldn’t recommend traveling to the USA for treatment…..i think it’s much better to stay local. i don’t know earth house (or don’t think it do). for the best approaches — i made movies about them — open dialogue in finland and healing homes (on the family care foundation) in sweden — but neither accept people from outside their local area. both films are free on youtube, and you can find them via the “films” tab on this website. they give a good idea of good help offered!
daniel
I looked up “Earth House” Apparently it was founded by a woman who was successfully treated by Dr. Carl C. Pfeiffer’ who was both an MD & Pharmacologist, Pfeiffer was interested in trace element and mineral metabolism in schizophrenia and what is now known as bipolar disorder[5] and investigated the therapeutic uses of amino acids in various illnesses.
Earth House has been “retired” which I assume means closed, according to this article..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Pfeiffer_%28pharmacologist%29
Dear Daniel ,
I am screaming out loud. I am leaving presently horrible injustice and Philippe is paying that injustice.
Since Philippe is admitted in hospital Dr.Steiner which is Philippe’s psychiatrist met us (parents )ONLY ONCE on family meeting to ” confirm” that Philippe has bipolar .He met us today after one month heavy medicating Philippe to tell us that he is not sure that is bipolar but he suggests strongly ETC ..and he will do it. Tell me what to do , PLEASE DANIEL
i really wish i knew what to do. it sounds utterly HORRIBLE. hmm………. i am in croatia…..and honestly i am almost totally emotionally exhausted, and not on the web much. i really wish i knew what to do…… erg…… daniel
Dear Daniel,
Thank you so much to send me a word despise you tiredness. I deeply appreciate you humanity. I wish you to find strength, to have good rest and to enjoy in my country ( actually I am coming from Hercegovina which is part of Bosnia). Be good WE NEED YOU ..you give us so much hope ..Take care dear Daniel
actually i am in croatia right now — screening films in croatia (with croatian subtitles). you can see the organization: http://www.ludruga.hr
i wish i could help you more. psychiatric practices are so often TORTURE. it is terrible.
you might like this also: http://familieshealingtogether.com/focus/recovering-our-families/ i don’t know how expensive it is, though.
all the best — sretno
daniel
Hvala ti mnogo ..thank you very much Daniel..Zivio …Cheers
Daniel, I would like that you come in Montreal to be my guest of honor and to spread news here about OPEN DIALOGUE and about all that you have to share.
I hope you will decided to accept my offer.
Hi Daniel,
I’m 33 years old and have been taking psychiatric medication since I was 18. I am in school for holistic nutrition. I’m hoping I’ll learn how to safely go off medications holistically. My issue is all the books I read about food being the cure over meds I don’t read anything about people having bipolar going off meds. I know it’s possible to live a healthy stable lifestyle and I started the holistic path changing my diet. Are there any books on psychiatric patients and the process of going off medication completely? I’m trying to educate myself as much as possible before I take the leap of being going off my medication completely.
hi julia — have you seen my film “coming off psych drugs”? http://wildtruth.net/dvd/psychdrugs/
there are people in there who were diagnosed with bipolar who got off their meds. and some reference books listed in there too…
all the best
daniel
Dear Daniel ,
Thank you so so much .
God bless you and you beautiful soul.
All the best Zorica
Hello Daniel, i love your ideas, im from Argentina, i translate the baby manifesto to spanish to share with my family, i send you when i have done more, thank you!
Sergio
Manifiesto del bebé
Publicado el 30 de marzo 2013
[Escrito alrededor de 2007]
Traducido al Inglés adulto por la mirada en los ojos del bebé …
Necesito padres que me amen plenamente. Necesito padres que me entiendan completamente. Necesito los padres que puedan traducir de manera adecuada las necesidades detrás de mis gritos … y mi tos … y mis silencios.
Necesito padres que estén abiertos a aprender todo lo que puedan aprender de mí.
(picture:foto)
Necesito padres que reconozcan que una vez que me hayan traído a este mundo, deben dedicarme sus vidas, en cuerpo y alma. Necesito padres que se den cuenta de que el propósito de su existencia, debe basarse en dilucidar la mejor forma de ayudarme a crecer, ayudarme a madurar y ayudarme para que prospere.
Necesito padres que hayan pasado años preparándose para mi creación – años antes de que el esperma y el óvulo que me creo se hayan encontrado. Necesito padres que dedicaron sus vidas a la mejora de sí mismos en la mente, cuerpo y espíritu. Necesito padres que entraron en las profundidades más profundas y oscuras de sí mismos, pudiendo resolver los traumas más dolorosos de su propio pasado. Necesito padres que no vivan arrastrados por las heridas infligidas por sus propios padres. Necesito padres que estén completamente iluminados y no almacenen partes ocultas de su devastado ser en su inconsciente.
Necesito padres que no sigan deseando que sus propios padres lo rescaten, y esperen secretamente que yo, su futuro hijo, tome la antorcha donde sus padres la dejaron. Necesito padres que puedan dedicar toda la suma de sus seres hacia mi mejoramiento.
Necesito padres que me hayan concebido para poder darme, y no tomar, de mí. Necesito padres que tengan hijos sin ningún otro motivo que su deseo de dar vuelta a la tierra. Necesito la clase de padres que se dan cuenta plenamente de cuán inherentemente egoísta es tener los niños. Necesito la clase de padres que normalmente nunca tendrían hijos …
Necesito los padres que no me mientan – ni se mientan ellos mismos. Necesito padres que pueden ser sinceros conmigo. Necesito padres que pueden ser sinceros entre sí, y no tengan agendas ocultas para mí. Necesito los padres que no me utilicen como un peón en sus juegos (relacionales) con los demás, y sobre todo entre ellos.
Necesito padres que me puedan dejar ser quien soy – y no alardear sobre mí. Necesito padres que no me vean como una extensión de sí mismos, y por lo tanto no decir “gracias” cuando alguien complementa mi belleza. Necesito padres que en vez de eso digan: “Sí, tienes razón,” y no sentirse en secreto una auto-satisfacción por mi maravilloso ser.
Necesito padres que no vivan con el miedo de sus propias muertes. Necesito los padres que vivan en el momento, porque han integrado las verdades de su pasado.
Necesito padres que sean jóvenes en espíritu y saludables en cuerpo, y que no me abandonen a la muerte antes de que este listo para pararme por mi cuenta como un adulto autónomo.
Necesito padres que me críen en un ambiente seguro, confortable y enriquecedor – no en el medio de una guerra civil o de una tierra devastada por el hambre o una habitación silenciosa con una televisión.
Necesito padres que, si soy un chico o una chica, no se atreverían a circuncidar a mis órganos genitales. Necesito padres que se dediquen a mi buena salud. Necesito padres que no beban alcohol o consuman drogas o tomen medicamentos innecesarios. Necesito padres que estén sobrios en todos los niveles de su ser. Necesito padres que nunca me hagan daño físico, por ninguna razón.
Necesito padres que amen los niños, y puede relacionarse fácilmente con ellos – y no que, en cambio, me fuercen a relacionarme con ellos. Necesito padres que me dejen crecer a mi propio ritmo, y me dejen ser un niño cuando necesito ser un niño. Necesito padres que no esperen de mi una responsabilidad adulta antes de que sea un adulto.
Necesito padres que se maravillen de lo precioso de mi existencia y se den cuenta de que soy el epitome del espíritu sin límites. Necesito padres que se rían porque sienten el goce en la vida. Necesito los padres que sepan cómo divertirse honestamente, y me quieran incluir.
Necesito padres que han resuelto sus adicciones. Necesito padres que no estén evitando la verdadera luz del día por ser adicto a mí.
Necesito padres que no proyecten su bloqueado pasado a mí, sino que me puedan ver exactamente por lo que soy.
Necesito padres que no esperen que yo los ame. Necesito padres que conozcan la diferencia entre el amor y la necesidad. Necesito padres que sean expertos en la auto-crianza (self-nurturance), y por extensión sepan cómo nutrirme a mi.
Necesito padres que sean emocionalmente adultos hasta la médula – y necesito dos de estos padres.
Y necesito que estos dos padres se amen uno al otro. Necesito que mi padre y madre estén plenamente de acuerdo con su divino papel, como el guardián de mi crecimiento. Necesito que los dos estén dispuestos a ir a todas las longitudes para dar lo mejor de mí. Necesito que estén dispuestos a morir por mí.
Necesito padres que puedan dejarme ir a medida que progresivamente vaya madurando. Necesito padres que puedan seguirme (my lead) y escuchar mis revisiones del plan. Necesito padres que no se ausenten emocionalmente (withdrawal) cuando yo no los amo.
Necesito padres que me dejen enojarme cuando cometen errores o hacen cosas inapropiadas conmigo – y necesito padres que cambien su comportamiento para no repetir los mismos errores.
Necesito padres que no me castiguen por mis reacciones honestas y saludables, y me amen de todos modos.
Necesito padres que entiendan el significado de una sexualidad saludable. Necesito padres que de ninguna manera me utilicen para satisfacer sus propias necesidades sexuales o necesidades emocionales sin resolver. Necesito padres que me protejan de la mayor parte de impurezas infernales del mundo, como humanamente sean capaces. Necesito padres que estén dispuestos a sacrificar todas sus propias comodidades personales para crear un ambiente nutritivo-rico (nourishing) para mí.
Necesito padres que no tomen crédito personal cuando el trabajo este hecho.
Necesito padres quienes puedan ser mi ejemplo a seguir.
muy bien!! fantastico! good to connect with you — and thank you. all the best, daniel
Hello Daniel, I’m a retired lorry driver aged 63. I was beaten for jesus and middle class values throughout my childhood and adolescence. Many people, including professionals, would spitefully and angrily insist that its my own stubborn refusal to ‘move on’ that prevents me from ‘healing’. You don’t mention your own experience as an abused child in the above introduction. You say you are a writer, musician and filmmaker, though, which are all strong positives. So it doesn’t seem to have done you any harm, being abused. Is that true?
hi jack. well, i’ve had my own fair share of abuse — rotten stuff. i write about it a bit in the “about me” part of the website, and also some more in my “breaking from your parents” book. yes, i’ve had a lot of harm done to me — that’s a bit part of why i’ve put so much focus into healing from childhood trauma.
all the best
daniel
Hi Daniel.
Medication. Alice Miller wrote me the following message in 2009 and in the same mail, the desaster of »Kindergarten«“ Actuell this is the theme in germany: »Bonding (at home) and not toxis stress in Kindergarten.« Recommended „Bonding with parents“ that the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system become a NO of a – so called (neuronal) Disorder.
http://www.alice-miller.com/leserpost_de.php?lang=de&nid=2532&grp=0309
The german full version (W.K. is my name) and forgive me, the google translation, from the important parts.
Miller: The gunman of Virginia has reportedly received antidepressants to suppress his feelings, but that did not prevent him from performing the deed. The never articulated anger can remain immune to drugs seems to cause much harm, if any squeeze the ears and no one wants to know something.
Miller in Kontext Kindergarten: As for the desire for more and less attachment cribs, I am also your opinion. But when you consider that the small child at home can have a mother, the abuse from his own childhood reacted to him, because you can never talk about it, then the nice idea of the good bonding at home may be just an illusion.
Brand new and previously unreleased are the long-term studies of Heidelberger prevention physician Professor Ronald Grossarth Maticek. His results are dramatic: For a man there is nothing better than an uninterrupted mother-child relationship in the first years of life. In concrete terms this means: Of 1,000 children who was able to experience this healthy relationship, later only smoke 48, 34 may be addicted to alcohol, 13 develop cancer before age 60. If the relationship with the mother, however interrupted traumatic – if only by a multi-day hospital stay – look at the numbers themselves at a later made healthy detachment from the mother quite different: Of 1,000 children will be 330 smokers, 212 alcohol-addicted and 117 before the 60 . the age ill with cancer.
Wishes to NewYork.
Wolfgang
PS: The Hesse places wait for you in germany 🙂
Dear Mr. Daniel I have had a hard time with the mental health system I have ideation of suicide but going to the hospital is not the place for me I have had a bad time with the hospital in the past I just don’t like my thoughts but I know that they are just thoughts this has been a tough time for me I am a underserved adult who cant get her needs met I work with two professionals now and they are good and supportive but this has been hard I will try and keep strong but I due have these thoughts that are not pleasant for me it is rough for me . I wish we had a better mental health system in this country.
Hello Daniel,
I wanted to tell you how much hope your film provided my husband and I about the type of treatment for those undergoing psychosis in Finland. He has been dealing with this for about 8 years now and he has always been medicated. I wanted to reach out to you because we are determined to see him well and off medication. We are even discussing the possibility of moving to the Tornio area to seek such treatment as we also have friends that live semi-close in Olso, Norway. I wanted to ask for your help. Maybe through providing direction or helping connect us to those involved in Open Dialogue.
Many thanks,
Abbie
hi daniel…i’ve worked in mental health for over 25 years. i’ve worked in various psychiatric hospitals, mostly psychiatric emergency stuff…over the years conservatively ive done assessments on about 10,000 people who said they wanted to die. Also I am in private practice and have been for a long time. I am currently supervising several social workers for their clinical license and I asked them to watch your video on your critique of psychotherapy. I agree with a greater portion of what you say and I wanted my supervisees to see that I wasn’t the only one in the world who says those types of things. Just wanted to say thanks for the film…greg
thank you greg. much appreciated! daniel
Hi Daniel,
So refreshing to watch your video on psychotherapy and why you don’t think there are many who are much good! I have had much therapy of different kinds, a lot of hands on healing combined with therapy and the like most of which was extremely beneficial but the psychotherapy was absolutely useless! But that’s not why I am writing.
You spoke in the video about those who have grown through experience. To me all experiences, the good the bad as well as the mediocre are all opportunities for growth.
Although I have only watched that one video so far, I am inspired by the way you speak and love what you say about the self therapy (self -enquiry) as this is what I have been doing for some 25 years. It’s what has helped me survive and get through some diabolical shit. I’ve reached the ripe ol age of 57 but don’t have a single grey hair on my head and feel I am just getting younger and lighter by the day, I sincerely hope that I never get stuffy or staid in my attitude, I am here to learn and learn….
I’ve been hungry to share what I have gleaned for a while now and have many notes, diaries and so forth to put together a book where I hope to record the insights, understandings, etc I have gleaned over the years, it will be frank self effacing and extremely honest. It will not lecture or tell anyone what to do: I will talk mainly about my experiences, the importance of standing back and going within to understanding oneself especially at times of difficulties in relationships and how we become drawn to certain people and situations so that we can learn what it is we need to. How empathy for others, learning to see things from their perspectives is so important as is setting personal boundaries etc etc……I completely agree that our childhood experiences mold us which give us different perspectives: there is no getting away from it.
Before the book gets written I need an occupation….Without telling ‘my story’ so to speak as it would take a long long time, I would like to ask you what you think about the possibility of someone becoming a counsellor with no formal qualifications whatsoever in that field other than her own life experiences to go by…and a couple of short courses in healing Theta and Reiki. I am talking about yours truly of course!
I do feel I could do this, I have a burning fire within me to help people….to help themselves. At 57 I am starting again, alcoholic husband of 28 years gone (took everything with him) last child finally gone now too so now hopefully I can earn a bit of money to keep myself and the growth process can continue in earnest.
Very briefly my philosophy if I was able to do some counselling, is one of listening (from the heart) empathizing, stepping into other people’s shoes, but not going down there with them if you know what I mean but enabling the person to find a way out of their dark space by realizing they have a choice in the matter and then offering differing perspectives whilst also sharing some of what I have been through and any other offerings as appropriate. The most important first step that I see is that the other person simply needs to recognize that there are alternative ways of being and be willing to work towards them.
I find it so easy to relate to other people’s difficulties, probably because I have had so many! It seems I came into this life having asked to experience a huge variety of things…. great wealth, break up of family, loss of father (to a woman younger than me and my sister), absent sickly mother, sexual abuse from parent, I’ve been raped, been married and divorced, lived in other countries, travelled a great deal when in early twenties, lived in a Bhuddist monastery, practice meditation, had three kids, experienced abuse (from alcoholic husband), moved house thirty times, been homeless, had a spiritual awakening, lived in abject poverty, experienced abandonment, betrayal, theft, had a child with a cocaine addiction (recovered), death of parent, unemployment, had life threatening illness and so on and on!….(it will be a pretty full on book).
I now live in a tiny little house on a hill in Southern Spain, just me and the dog…Hopefully there will be a period of relative calm now,
But back to the question: would it be wrong to set up as a counsellor without formal qualifications? What do you feel about that?
Hope to hear from you soon. Jane
hi jane
greetings. thank you. i actually have written an essay about people becoming therapists without “formal training” — i just haven’t published it yet. you give me some motivation!! i think it can be fine to be a therapist without all the schooling — as long as people have done some great degree of the inner work themselves. similarly, i think it’s awful when people avoid the inner work and do all the schooling and become therapists — it’s a perversion of being a real healer. that’s my two cents!! wishing you the best! daniel
Hey, thanks for the quick reply. My message was so long! You have helped allay my concerns. It’s interesting just flying through some of the posts here I see a mention of a book on leaving your parents (can’t find the title). Yes we must do this, there is a quote from someone, ‘If you think you are enlightened? Go spend a week with your parents’. I love that, says so much.
After I lost lost everything material the offer of help was dangled by one of my parents for me, entirely conditional on me going there to get it as I always knew it would be. But I wasn’t going to fall into that trap again, ever.
Our power (love) comes from within, until we get to grips with that truth we forever remain like children, dependent on others and utterly powerless.
Thanks for your time, I’ll send you a link to my blog when it is up. Keep up the good work.
Take care and all the best.
Jane
And DO PLEASE publish that essay! Then send it to me too PLEASE…to my email if you can. Many, many thanks. xx
Daniel,
Yeah, I would also encourage you to publish that essay (if it’s not already up).
We need hundreds of thousands of people to join in listening and empathy, at the least.
Heard Advocates, Inc. at the NAMI Convention (Sept ’14) talk about their pilot testing and sustaining of an Open Dialogue practice. (And, they were soliciting, as their grant expired.) You can’t get there financially and the scale up is very difficult because of labor intensity. (You know already.)
Recently spoke with a college graduate student, getting her degree in counseling … hearing about her loans, the requirements for a license. Yikes! There is no way!
Your interview with Madness Radio was excellent. You make many good points and it could be self-therapy … is the uniquely American approach we take. (Could be part mobile technology … coach in a pocket.) But, in life, a coach or mentor are tremendously helpful people. They are not necessarily trained by anything but the most valuable thing. Experience.
Best,
Corey
hi corey,
okay — i’ll take your advice and start looking over that essay and probably publish it (assuming i still like it). i’ve been lazy with my essays — i have many written but they are languishing on my computer. my head has been elsewhere for a while. but this is a push in the right direction — thanks! daniel
Beside hearing of Dr Breggin, MD – are you thinking of a therapist who was in the system, knowing how ‘work the system’ or look for an outsider, willing to try and learn. Thanks again for answering and caring.
Thank you so much.
Can you tell us how family members can have a patient brought from a hospital — unmedicated — to a psychotherapist who knows how to help without medication? How does one get from one situation to the next?
i think first you have to find a good, appropriate, willing therapist — and then the therapist would help you coordinate that. the hardest part, i think, is to find a good therapist who can actually help and knows what they’re doing……. again, wishing you the best!! daniel
Is there a location in Israel where a religious Jewish man, who has mental illness, can live — and receive 24-hour care?
So far, the places that we heard about, require administration of chemical pharmaceuticals. Not everyone does well with pharmaceuticals. We wonder whether there is an organization which helps such people. It is possible to take care of a person who has mental illness using psychological methods, without pharmaceuticals.
Thank you very much for considering our question!
hi zalman — oh, i’m sorry!! i don’t know. i have actually never been to israel. i think i need to start a web forum where there is an easier way to post your questions so people can help. i wish you the best!! daniel
…not a bad idea, i think!
http://freedomainradio.com/ is a great community of people and they have chat, a forum, and meetups in the big cities. Daniel hosted the show once and they share the same ideas.
Hello Landon!
Thank you very much for your suggestion! I know Freedomainradio and like it also very much. The problem is, I don’t speak very fluidly English and I need enough time to write in it. So I was looking for somebody speaking my language (German or Italian). Also many of the topics are not easy to discuss because I don’t have that much of a philosophical knowledge. So I like more to listen.- Do you partecipate in the discussions in the forum and the chat?
Few of the listeners know anything about philosophy when they start listening. It’s basically a libertarian anarchist peaceful parenting self-therapy show. I have met some FDR people in person and have had good and bad experiences. I only used forum and chat a little bit.
Your English is great, keep reading, writing, speaking, listening through FDR or other sources and soon enough you can be literate and engaged as anyone. Maybe call in to the show, right away! I haven’t yet.
Hello Daniel!
What do you think about making a list accessible with the e-mail-adresses of people interested in connecting with other people following your work?
Thank you again very much for your courage and honesty!
Greetings from Switzerland,
Franco
hi Franco,
greetings and thank you! i think it’s a very good idea, but i wonder how i would go about doing it. my problem is that i’m not on the web all that much and thus don’t, at the present time, have a lot of time to organize things. so if there were a simple way, i’d do it. but i used to manage a web forum through my website and it was a lot of work. but i was geographically stable then and had regular web access. nowadays….i’m pretty much a wanderer… but still, there might be a simple way. wishing you the best — daniel
Hello Daniel!
thank you very much for your quick answer. I know you’re often “on the road” and following your new projects; I’m always eager to watch your new documentaries on youtube.-
Unluckily, I myself am not at all an internet freak and don’t really know much about it and how such a list could be integrated the best way on your website.-
But do you mind me leaving my adresse here in the meanwhile in case anybody in Switzerland would like to make contact with me?- Here it is : fsartori@hotmail.com
Thank you very much , Daniel, and also best wishes to you!
Franco
Dear Daniel, I don’t know wether it is a good Solution, but what about starting a closed Facebook group for that purpose?
Hi Daniel,
it’s unbelievable. Since ma post yesterday I already got in contact with somebody who’s following you and lives not very far from me…I just wanted to let you know how quick things can go!
Take care!
Franco
Hey Franco,
you are in Switzerland! Me too. Any possibility to get in contact?
Yours Andrea
Ah, you already posted your Adress. I will mail….
OSECOUR = HELP HELP HELP
je suis schizophréne je suis suivi hopitale les marronnier tournai Belgique je suis très mal suivi j ai 48 ans je suis schizophréne depuis 1987 que pouvez vous faire pour moi ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Osecours philippe merci
Peut-être il ya des gens qui parlent français qui peuvent vous aider, il pourrait être mieux si vous écrivez dans cette section, ici: http://wildtruth.net/dvdsub/fr/
Mon français n’est pas si bon. J’utilise google translate pour ça!
Salutations de USA – Daniel
Open Dialogue. Well done and thought-provoking. Thank you. Have a son who is very concerned about drugs as a requirement for the cure. His brother and I made “A Fortunate Son”; we are investigating our next project in mental health. In truth, I am a new NAMI Williamsburg, VA Board Member. Have gone to NAMI Support group since February and finished Family-to-Family. I am in a learning mode. Have an open mind, settled on no answer, but considering alternative approaches that make for low stress living, learning, caring, on-site work communities. Couple of years ago I looked into the cohousing world and met with Charles Durrett and Katie McCammant. Their story would make a good documentary. Will explore your site more. Thanks again for your work.
Hi,
Wonderful work here… I’m a writer and musician myself and have been tackling these topics regarding my own childhood traumas for the first time in my music and writing. I went and did a search on google looking for to see if there were others doing something similar that might help in getting through the kind of honesty required to put these subjects to song and writing and came across this site. I’ll be catching up on your films and music the next few days and wanted to say thanks for all your work here. I’ve included my site in the website section of this comment box and would love to share it with you if you have the time to take a look, it would mean a lot.
Thank you for this website and for the honesty. There is a new documentary called Crazywise that might be of interest. It looks at mental illness and compares it with shamanism.Here is the link. http://crazywisefilm.com
Hi Daniel
Your voice is filled with shock and anger at and heartfelt empathy for the horrific, unbearable suffering of very child.
This sweet song has affected my deeply during the horrors of my deeper recovery. The mirroring and validation flowing through your soothing words has provided me with vital succour and holding during the moment-by-moment torment of many suicidal episodes and helped me pull through.
To show my deep gratitude, let me invite to be open to a highly effective healing process I have been successfully and safely practicing on my own.
My cruel family murdered my soul so mercilessly that the blossoming of my unique, wondrous humanity stalled abruptly in early childhood. A few years ago these buried traumas violently erupted into incessant emotional anguish, psychosis and incapacitating bodily illness.
The Whole Human Protocol has been a life line for me.
This straightforward process has enabled me to integrate a massive amount of deep-seated trauma within two years.
I now experience far less emotional and physical pain. Every day I feel more solid as a person, balanced, calm, confident and present. This means I get my needs met much more effectively than in the past, when I was too terrified and confused to stand up for myself.
So how does it work?
Step 1 – Identify toxic childhood beliefs
Parental neglect and abuse engenders many self-denigrating, unconscious beliefs for children that run and ruin their adult lives.
Step 1 uncovers these debilitating unconscious beliefs, common ones being ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I do not exist’ and ‘I am worthless’.
I know that you are aware that traumatic childhood events produce strong emotional responses such as terror, fury and grief that the child quickly learns are too life threatening to express without fear of deadly parental rejection or harmful reprisal. To safeguard immediate survival these feelings pass into the child’s unconscious and remain trapped, circulating around the nervous system.
In adulthood, whenever someone feels a present day stimuli such as noises, voices, smells and sights that are evenly minutely similar to those experienced in the childhood environment where the trauma happened, these intense feelings from childhood are immediately re-experienced through flashbacks and the person mistakenly believes it is a response to the present. This is why people constantly have such enormous emotional overreactions to most life experiences – violence, greed, paranoia and submission – because it is always a reaction to the chaos, agony and danger in childhood and not related to the present.
For step 1, one senses where in the body the intense feelings from a childhood flashback in the present are located. Then one uses the Eugene Gendlin body focusing technique to uncover the exact words for the unconscious belief that generates a pronounced bodily release of tension once identified.
Step 2 – Connecting with unconscious beliefs using self empathy
One sits with the unconscious belief so one’s present consciousness can connect with it.
This involves realising the huge impact this belief about self has had on the course and quality of one’s life.
For example a belief that ‘I do not exist’ can bring shock and grief at how a complete lack of self, assertiveness and having no boundaries has meant one’s needs have never been met and interests not protected. For one’s present awareness is consumed by the childhood feeling one is going to die if one asserts one needs and normally immobilisation and submission is experienced as protection against the past.
Self empathy in the present is the key to really getting the enormity of what happened in childhood, it’s devastating effects and facilitating the grieving required for healing. One normally feels deep shock and devastation at this stage as well as anger that one’s nurturing should have been so much better and really getting that it is not a reflection on oneself but the callous parental treatment received in childhood that is responsible for their mental and physical symptoms.
Step 3 – Releasing the frozen traumatic feelings
One imagines being back in a childhood scene (at home or school) with the unconscious belief and re-experiencing the feelings that came up in this past situation. The autonomic nervous system will think that the feelings are happening now and start to metabolise them to be felt in the present as it cannot differentiate between one’s imagination and the now.
Over the next couple of days one feels these frozen childhood feelings coming into one’s present consciousness and the limbic/emotional brain can start to continue its development as the emotional blockage from childhood is finally cleared.
For example, I have experienced lying on the hall floor of my childhood home as a toddler, where my mother threw me when I was ‘difficult’. To keep me routed in the past and focused on feeling the appropriate childhood emotions I imagine feeling the coarse green fibres of the carpet and my woollen shawl against my child body as I thrash around in fury or lie rigid and motionless in hopeless despair.
One also provides plenty of self-empathy from the child in the past to the child in the past over the chaos, pain and terror the child feels. This is vitally important to help one connect deeply with oneself a precursor to connecting with others and our precious planet, and helps dissolve the self-hatred engendered by parents.
Step 4 – Evolving into a brighter future
One then imagines what life would be like if one did not have these unconscious beliefs.
One might feel much calmer, grounded, courageous and connected. This step helps with building new pathways in the emotional brain for expanded consciousness, in order to access the levels of awareness (blocked and distorted by trauma) such as intuition, creativity, body connection, feelings, energetic system and soul consciousness, that will lead to better decision-making, learning to give and receive true unconditional love and deep, purposeful connection with oneself, others and the natural world.
The speed and depth of healing will depend on the amount of trauma one is carrying, the proficiency with which one learns and applies the protocol steps effectively and the frequency of practice.
Two years ago my awareness was so consumed with incessant, multiple flashbacks with associated feelings of terror, fury and despair/suicidality that I could not leave the house or communicate properly with people. By conscientiously processing at least two flashbacks a week, I cleared a huge swath of trauma and never thought I could publicly tell you some of my story with my extremely high levels of anxiety gone!
The Whole Human Protocol has been distilled from over 35 years of neuro-biological research and psycho-therapeutic experience by Andina Seers, an amazing, courageous, and highly intelligent woman. I believe that Andina has been in your network of allies over the years.
Coaching is recommended to learn the protocol process and accelerate proficiency in the early stages.
I have been very fortunate to have had Andina as my coach and am eternally grateful for her exceptional mentoring.
I do not have much contact with her now as I am forging my own path, but her website link is:
http://www.andinaseers.com/the-whole-human-protocol
I will provide my second gift for you shortly.
With warm wishes
Philip
London, United Kingdom
Hi Daniel,
One of your essays asks ‘where is the proof for my point of view?’
My second gift is to offer living, verified proof that rich, caring, loving child rearing is our evolutionary blueprint and nurtures humanity’s true nature to be totally loving, peaceful, calm, balanced and respectful.
Jean Leidloff spent some years living amongst the Yek’uana Indians in Venezuela during the 1960s and set out her observations in her book ‘The Continuum Concept’.
She describes a society at total peace with itself, where there is no violence or major disagreements.
Each individual is fiercely independent and all leadership roles are consensual and people are free to follow their leaders’ decisions or not at they see fit. However everyone is innately social and instinctively realise that everyone’s welfare and the balance and harmony of the community rests in respecting each other, being honest and peaceful co-operation and sharing of resources so all are looked after.
The Yek’uana play games for the social connection, fun and physical exercise and competition is just not in their vocabulary as they have such a strong sense of self there is nothing to prove!
The children are well behaved and live harmoniously with their parents and siblings.
Why are the Yek’uana so different to our sick species in the industrialised world?
The reason is because the Yek’uana INSTINCTLY and NATURALLY fulfil each and every of the growing child’s developmental needs required by our evolution.
The adults have such a strong sense of self and love for themselves and others, that they truly see and accept every child as a unique and special miracle.
During their first year, the infant never leaves the mother’s side and experiences his people’s life cradled snugly to his mother, which helps him discharge his energy.
The human infant is naturally very robust and has an internal compass to navigate his new world safely. From the earliest age, the child is encouraged to explore and adapt to the world at his own pace and with great freedom to grow his sense of independence.
The parents are always and constantly available PASSIVELY to the child to console him and give the loving attention required. The child learns from the start that if he requires parental support, he can initiate contact at any time and the parent will immediately and affectionately respond to meet his needs without question.
The parents always respect the child’s uniqueness and understand that learning is best done by the individual under non-intrusive and helpful guidance. Children are never ever shamed or rejected for erroneous behaviour but just calmly shown the correct way. The children feel deep love and respect and are therefore keen to be social and follow parental examples. Siblings behave lovingly towards each other as everyone gets their childhood needs met, so there is no reason to be jealous.
Older children love looking after the younger ones which produces a virtuous learning schedule to prepare them for parenthood.
The Yek’uana have been very fortunate in having had nearly no contact with and not corrupted by westernised cultural ‘family’ trauma imported to the Americas by Spanish, Portuguese and other European colonial powers to South America since 1500s due to their isolation deep in the Amazon jungle.
One of Jean’s observations shows the Yek’uana’s evolutionary advancement. When visitors from another village arrive, they sit peaceful on the ground for an hour before being served refreshments. They are taking that time to start to feel, bath in and attune to the rich consciousness of the village, so they can deeply connect lovingly and respectfully with their fellow man!
The Yek’uana symbolise the rich, caring, loving nurturance we should all have received in childhood. I grieve every day over the loss of this birth right and the Yek’uana help me mourn deeply over this.
Sending my warmest wishes
Philip
PS – You may be interested in Jean’s YouTube video where she describes her time with the Yek’uana and a link to her website
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zA4HGXeMgCU
http://www.continuum-concept.org/
PPS – See the British Nature Documentary on You tube about the Yek’uana, I was struck by how open, friendly, calm, balanced and present the Indians were against the traumatised, reacting, fidgety/nervous westerners.
I have considered you to be a kindred spirit ever since I listened to Songs of the Locked Ward.
Daniel – Hi! I would like to get some information from you about a problem I am facing about whether I should become a BFRB coach. I have had trichotillomania for over three decades. I am currently writing a book. I will need someone to help me edit my book because I don’t have much experience in writing, but I think my book can help a lot of people like me. Also I am considering becoming a holistic coach for people like me. I have mastered this disorder and I know what it takes to heal from it. I use many different methods that are more alternatively based. I have started a local support group in my area because Trich is not well heard of. I don’t want to waist 9 years before I can help another, I really need to be able to make a living as well. I know these people. I understand them better than any clinical physician would. Maybe you could be my coach? I want my book to be a hit. It’s going to be more of a short story about my experience and how I healed myself. I want to self publish. You are so great! Please e-mail me back. I am thinking of going to Institute for Integrative Health to learn to coach others and become more marketing savvy. What do you think?
I just finish seeing your Outer Dialog documentary film.. GREAT !! question, i there a list of ‘Outer Dialog ‘ practitioners in the US…Also, can a US citizen travel to or contact the therapist over at Western Lapland Finland, for help??
Your help in this is GREATLY appreciated…
Hi-Daniel,
I feel so fortunate to have discovered your films and musings on Youtube. I am a counselor who is vehemently opposed to the medical model of mental illness who wishes to engage with people who are challenging the mental health system.
You are helping others with your passion and thoughtfulness,
Regards,
maureen
Hi Daniel,
I am currently in my first year of Mental Health nursing at university and I have had a growing interest in your work.
Whilst most of my facilitated work is based on care plans and medication ect.. my real interest shines when I watch or read about helping and healing psychosis through alternative therapy and without the use of drugs.
The University talks about being a nurse and wanting to make changes for the better and this is where I want to improve the system. I want the future to be about people and not about drugs.
We have an elective placement coming up in our second year, and I would really appreciate your help and guidance in where would be a good place for me to look for my placement?
I want to be where I can gain knowledge and experience from people like yourself who have similar goals abut the future of treating people with psychosis. I can travel anywhere in the world.
If there are any recommendations from you, that would make my year 🙂
Thank you for being an inspiration in my studies.
good for you, Kryssy! Hmm….a second-year placement. I can’t think of anywhere off the top of my head except Western Lapland in Finland, and it MIGHT be possible to do some placement there–I really don’t know–plus a placement there without a knowledge of Finnish, which I’m assuming (hopefully wrongly!) that you don’t speak. I don’t know if you’ve seen my film Open Dialogue — free here: http://wildtruth.net/dvd/opendialogue/
Perhaps you’ve seen it already. Several of the characters in it are mental health nurses — they are key workers in that program….which gets the best results for first-episode psychosis in world. But this is the best place I can think of, though again, I don’t know how they deal with things like foreign placements.
Meanwhile, I’ll email you backchannel as well.
Daniel
HI Kryssy,
So good to hear of your search. I wonder myself what is out there that is neither fully ‘the medical model system’ or fully ‘peer run and operated’ – and would be interested to hear what you find.
Afiya (http://www.westernmassrlc.org/afiya) is one of 13 peer respite centers in the USA and perhaps you could be helped along in your search via that network? Their category of ‘peer’ is very broad, so depending on your life experience you might qualify on those grounds.
Open-Dialogue now has a USA group institute of Dialogic practice (spokesperson Mary Olson) with some places operating already – New York?
Also, I am subscribed to the Australian and New Zealand branch of ISPS – the international Society for Psychological and Social Interventions in Psychosis. Through the branch in your area of the world, you may find some help.
All support to you,
Ela Linwood
Hi all. Perhaps we could network a bit. Most of us coming here have a lot of experience and insight into the current mental health system, and are critical of it. We could benefit from exchanging ideas.
Daniel, everything you said in that you tube video entitled ‘ Childhood Trauma and the Process of Healing’ is correct and I’m very grateful you made it.
I’ve been on a journey for 18 months now after a very long period of denial. Things fell apart for me – it was like a stack of dominoes one by one falling. When certain life events occurred it was like a match had been lit and dropped on a petrol soaked floor.
Having the belief that you can fix yourself is proving to be challenging. I suffer from anxiety and complex trauma based symptoms. I want to be like my friends who were raised in supportive and loving environments. They are successful and doing well and a part of me feels I can never be like them. My past means I can’t have a relationship and I struggle in public speaking at work. I’ve bought your book – hopefully this will help.
Could SSRIs cause brain damage, or is it all in my head?
If so, is there any way you could direct me to reports/documents of SSRIs (possibly specifically Celexa/Citalopram) that show evidence of brain damage?
I took Celexa for only 3 days, and immediately had a major crisis (could I have had a mini stroke or something?). I’ve been having major complications from this drug ever since, it seems as though I’ve been deteriorating. I’ve seen many doctors, and they don’t seem to believe that this is a real issue. It may be psychological, but it seems as though something very real and physically damaging has happened.
I’ve been having complications such as cognitive impairment, motor function impairment, severe memory problems, other physical issues etc., and all the psychiatric drugs that I’ve been on since the incident have not helped the problem.
Is this purely psychological? Or is there a chance that something very real and damaging has happened? Should I get CT Scans, MRIs, EEGs, etc.???
Thanks much
Chris
Chris,
You are not crazy! Your symptoms are real and true side effects of psych drug withdrawal. The iatrogenic effects of psychotropic detox can be nasty. I am copying a link for you to use as a good reference point for your research into this process…somewhere within the website is a free, downloadable, e-book. In that book you will find extensive lists of (not so often discussed) side effects of a myriad of psych drugs…and the side effects of withdrawal from the drug. Mad In America is a non-profit, advocacy organization funded by donors and spearheaded by “traditional med” non-conformists. Best wishes to you on your healing journey.
https://www.madinamerica.com
I really appreciate your taking the proverbial ball of love and running with it. I understand that many might see your viewpoint as too radical. Quit populating the planet? Slander!
I love and agree so profoundly with the essence of your argument. When we bring a little soul to this planet we owe them their birthright. But how can we give what we really do not have?
Deep and loving respect for ourselves that bubbles up like a well spring to nourish and cherish.
We all deserve it.
I did get a lot out of J. Konrad Stettbacher’s ideas about the primal reality and found it helpful.
To be honest I never tried the therapy. I no longer take someone else’s opinion more seriously than my own, so am safe from too much influence.
Thanks so much for all you do.
Hi Daniel,
is your book in print? Eric Berne moved his first book in a porno publisher house, because no psychology-publisher wanted to print it 🙂 I love Berne! Maybe I’ll write a book in Germany where I feel the following content.
Schore: „Positive affects are key to early development, they’re key to growth, they’re also key to not only positive psychological states but physical health. So now as much of my work is now not only swinging around trauma and negative but also the positive emotions of interest, excitement and enjoyment. Joy has something to do with the quality of life and the pole or opposite of joy would go to shame.“
http://www.thinkbody.co.uk/papers/interview-with-allan-s.htm
That’s the first thing (!) in context: „Cells that fire together, wire togetehr!“ JOY and FUN, not only on christmas. I do not mean directly the gifts, I mean the „Gleam in the Mother eyes“, also about a third object!
I think that’s the „next level“ of books respectively Childhood „synchronous excitation“ mother / child and not only Attention and Affectregulation! Üeter Fonagy: „The creativity of the mother is in demand!“
Example?
I sprayed my daughter every night a different perfume on the pillow. She was really “wild” to go to bed. I was of course until she fell asleep. At age 4, she was perfume product professional. It’s called synergy 🙂
okidiko. wishes to New York.
Thanks John for the reference to the British Medical journal article ” in the Shadow of the Ancestor”. Was able to read the first page on-line and it is highly relevant to the info I’m looking for. Old school mind-set and assumptions around ” mental illness” though ( eg having other people in a family with a pattern-description of schizophrenia = a genetic link… ( which to my knowledge has never been found and neither has it for people with a bi-polar pattern description, despite ample research $ and decades spent on it). But hey! I ‘ll take what I can get at this point on the subject. If you would be wiling to email me the rest of the article I would appreciate that. . If you don’t have it or not willing to send, I will check out the online payment procedure.
Wolfgang thanks for the Peter Fonagy reference – inter-generational transfer of trauma from grandparents and further back is a big subject and I couldn’t find direct references to this as related to psychosis from this source.
I just did a quick web search and found what I gave you.
I remember Dorothy Rowe quoting a Fonagy lecture in a book she wrote, but I can’t remember which one. Basically it was on the subject of refugees who put pressure on their children to be successful and make money as that is the only way they know of keeping safe. This creates trauma in the children that could be then expressed in the grandchildren. Sometimes the distress is quite large.
Sorry I cannot find the book ref or the original lecture. You could try contacting Fonagy if you can find a contact for him on the web.
Hi Daniel,
Super news from Denmark. In a two week period there were 640 negative reports in the media about psychiatry … and of course drugs.
http://www.meinungsverbrechen.de/etwas-ist-faul-im-staate-daenemark/
„Meinungsverbrechen“ is a friend of me – wishes to Normen. Stuttgart. The place of Porsche and Mercedes 🙂
@ daniel. off topic.
If you write your book with apple – I think you do it vs. „pages“ – warning – do not upload the newest version. Many „features“ are no more available!
okidiko.
your old friend. embrace you.
I just wanted to let you know that we mentioned your YouTube video on Childhood Trauma and the Process of Healing on our Facebook page today: http://www.facebook.com/PDAN
Personality Disorder Awareness Network (PDAN) is a non-profit organization is dedicated to helping children and families affected by personality disorders. As you might know, one of the risk factors for children to develop PDs is to have experienced childhood traumas.
PDAN offers a children book to help children recover from traumatic experiences: In My Corner On The Moon, see http://www.pdan.org/bookstore/
I’m not sure if you knew about our group. We’d be happy to have a
conversation with you or just email additional information. We find
your work very helpful and important, and would like to quote your
work from time to time, as well as mention any live presentations.
Thank you,
Frederic Bien
http://www.PDAN.org
Hey — very cool, Frederic.
Thanks for sharing this! I look forward to keeping in touch. And thanks for the links.
Daniel
Thanks Daniel -would appreciate your keeping an eye out for research on the inter-generational trauma aspect vis a vis psychosis.
Jen thanks for your suggestion – though couldn’t find anything on the inter-generational issue on that link.
Ela
In regards to the query regarding intergenerational trauma memories/ psychosis etc.: Dick Schwartz talks about this phenomenon in his Internal Family Systems model. Good stuff/ Excellent therapy!
http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html
I will make this short:
Have some kids and after that you can teach and preach. Yes is hard, yes is difficult and you cannot expect any rewards. Nothing is or should be more important than your kids. Sorry for your childhood…
You learned soooo much. Your can have smart, healthy, happy children if you try; teach us a lesson, write a book about your kids….are you afraid to make mistakes? Easy to judge when you on the other side of the wall…
hello. (feels weird to write “hello Mom.”)
Well, i’ve replied to this criticism before — that i don’t have a right to say what i say until i become a parent. but i don’t agree… first, and most importantly i was a kid — and i had parents. also, i was and still am friends with a lot of children. i relate to their lives — often more than their parents do. also, i have a lot of friends who are parents. i’ve spent a lot of time with them, seeing what they go through, and also seeing their difficulties — and their frailties…their weaknesses….the things they do that hurt their children.
also, am i judging…..or just using my judgment?
all the best,
daniel
also…..i forgot to add: i’ve spent a lot of years raising a child — the child that my parents rejected in many ways. i’ve put in a lot of work — and learned a lot about child-rearing through that.
as for my childhood being bad, it was in many ways, but was better than most people’s. most people just deny the deeper realities of their childhoods.
Hi Daniel,
I’m writing to ask what you know about intergenerational family trauma, (especially as related to psychosis), and could point me in the direction of resources on this subject?
I have heard that children express the Secondary or marginalised/shadow aspects of their parents. Supposing a parent internalised the trauma of their own parents and didn’t actively traumatise their child… what are the chances that child would at some point experience the intensity of extreme distress as occurred in their Grandparent’s generation?
If there is such research to confirm this, then I think that it would be helpful to know about it, as with a degree of focus returning to the issue of family trauma in psychosis, parents have again become targets for blame.
As well as what went on in the grand-parent’s generation, there is also the social dimension of trauma, such as war, racism, homelessness, poverty, the dispossession of First People’s, etc. (For example, new immigrants have a higher rate of psychosis than the people in either their home country or their new country).
This is not to gloss over the impacts that abusive and neglectful parents have had on their children – rather I am seeing benefits in diffusing the trauma-based ‘causation’ factor. Not only to help the peace of mind of quite good enough/average parents, but because as the perfect defence to their innocence, so many parents become firm believers in the biologically-based illness of their off-spring and ardent supporters of the psychiatric-pharmaceutical industry.
good to be in touch with you again,
Ela Linwood (NZ & Aust.)
Hi Ela,
greetings! good to connect again. hmm………good literature on intergenerational transmission of trauma as it relates to psychosis? i’m not really sure. john read of course writes about trauma, but not really in this way, as far as i remember. alice miller? she doesn’t really write about psychosis too much — nor judith herman, from what i recall. i really don’t know…. most of what i’ve gathered and learned is from listening to people’s stories — and i’ve heard the same things over and over…….the intergenerational stuff…….so intense, real and present. lots of heavy stuff — and often so denied by families — and by the mental health field….. not politically correct, for a variety of reasons…..
anyway…..i’ll keep thinking on it, and if i come up with some stuff i’ll send you a message!
all the best,
daniel
What about R.D. Laing?
In regards to the query regarding intergenerational trauma memories/ psychosis etc.: Dick Schwartz talks about this phenomenon in his Internal Family Systems model. Good stuff/ Excellent therapy!
http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html
here is a paper on something like the subject you are interested in. I hope it is useful. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.2044-8341.1969.tb02053.x/abstract
I also read something about inter-generational trauma passed down the generations in refugee families. If i find the paper I’ll post it.
I think Peter Fonagy wrote something on this but I cant’ find the reference at the moment
Search Peter Fonagy and the Adult Attachment Interview AAI with Parents before the Child is born! It’s recommended to understand that the Generation Desaster is a lack of empathy !!! See Fonagys Reflexion Scale too. Or Kohut: Reflexion in empaty. 80 % of the genes are unpacked after birth. Lack of Empathy prevents the synaptic connections too. VID … Schore …
Hi. I’m a psychotherapist here in Encinitas, California. I am a musician, recording artist and composer. I believe in the healing power of music and nature as well. My album is The Music Of Yosemite and has done well worldwide, solo piano. it seems very difficult to stop being a therapist and just earn money as being a musician for me even with a very successful album. I’d like to figure out this transition you seem to have successfully made. I’m ready for a change. I’ve been a therapist for 35 years. Please check out my music if you like. Hope to hear from you. Thanks a lot.
Good to connect, Rick. I went to your website and read about you and listened to your music. It is fantastic. I have never been to Yosemite myself, but I felt it through your music. And now…I have an urge to go.
Switching careers for me has been a journey. I actually worked more as a musician before I was a therapist — and now work (or make my living) more as a filmmaker. (I do the music for my own films, though.)
But I myself am in transition — not quite sure what’s next. I have no new film in mind.
all the best,
Daniel
No new film in mind???
As said Louis Leakey, the famous anthropologist: “the key to our future lies in our past!”
So Daniel, come to Belgium to film about the past, at Geel.
And I will be delighted to be your translator between Flemish and English.
Have a look at this insight into the History, the time of pre-Open Dialogue, pre-Healing Homes:
http://aeon.co/magazine/living-together/the-town-where-the-mentally-ill-get-a-warm-welcome/
Geel is a town a few miles North of my home and Brussels, on the East of Antwerp.
Think about it.
Kind regards,
Luc
very interesting offer, Luc. thank you!! i hope i will be in europe for a bit this late-spring and summer, and if i am near belgium then, at the least, i would like to meet you! all the best — and thanks for the link about geel. daniel
What was that song,” I’d like to say a word for the farmer”.. Well my version is ” I’d like to say a word for the parent”…..
Have no idea Daniel, what you went thru with your parents… Going from your photo though.. You look clean/ healthy/ non psychotic…
Not sure if you really have much of a notion what effort it takes to have a child.. The pregnancy, the birth( painful as hell)… The yrs of a little persons total dependency.. School yrs.. Issues with adolescence..
Have you really looked at the structural issues, re the nuclear family? A closed system .. So little support from the community in the raising of our young..
Ok. You’ve decided not to have children. Understand your reasons. Accept your rational…
Maybe your parents are closed off.. Stuck in old ways. But they did put the yards in.. Didn’t they? You are a healthy young man. That didnt happen from your side…
Hi, Daniel. Do you ever do speaking engagements? How could I get in touch with you to get some more information and talk with you about my event? Thank you!
hi becca,
greetings from san diego. yes, i do speaking engagements sometimes. i just did a series in australia for a month, and florida before that, and i was in europe doing all sorts of speaking stuff and film screenings from a few months before that. right now i’m more or less off the grid, just traveling — and having some fun and doing a lot of introspection. i’ll send you a backchannel email. wishing you the best!
daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for the reply!!!
I’m currently in Chch, NZ but am planning to move to Melbourne in about a year or two. So any of these places is good for me if you have any ideas
😀
Thanks so much Daniel!!
hi RHN,
i don’t know where Chch is exactly — i assume that’s christchurch?? i’m not too sure of stuff going on there, but i know more people in auckland. i’ll email you backchannel. i might have an idea or two….
daniel
I like what you have to say and I believe what you say as well as agree with it and have been attacked because I have told my story of childhood trauma and my dad and his side of the family very angry with me.
I would like to speak more with you!
Thanks a million, Jewelee
Cool Jewelee — thanks for posting here!
Daniel
HI, Daniel
I would like to buy your book ‘Toward Truth’ but I need a credit card to pay for it via amazon…and I don’t have that. Can I purchase it directly from you?
grtz Jim
hi Jim,
greetings! Alas, I don’t have copies myself — they’re only at Amazon, I believe. So I don’t know how else to pay for it….. Hmm…….I’m sorry.
If you can’t figure out another way just post here and I’m try to help you… There must be a way!!
Yours,
Daniel
Found a way! Purchased it on ebay…and could pay with PayPal.
grtz.Jim
cool! i hope you find value in it. daniel
hi Daniel thanks for the info. just an additional comment on the potential backslash consequences of dealing or confronting your parents…. mine are ..the father schizophrenic aggressor. my mother …..my protector….so I tought …until this week ..and more after your youtube..she is a 6 years old narcissic child…and I realized that my two of talking to her was in emptiness…so my today comment is; to confront parents denial may have an overall effect on the victim overall sense of reality . to confront disconnected persons may disconnect you of your overall life. (sorry for my English . ) please send me your post address so I can send you a cheque donation for your youtube .
thanks Paul. I appreciate what you say. It sounds…..quite difficult. I often think to myself that I wish life were simply easier — but it just so often is not…… I am of course wishing you the best!! And I will email you backchannel.
Greetings from Portland, Oregon.
Yours,
Daniel
Hi Daniel, I have seen trailers for yours movies and been thinking about writing you before – I’m glad you’re on the Soteria/Diabasis idea. Do you know anywhere in Scandinavia where they have such houses?
I’m currently in a place where they don’t have that understanding, and have been put through electric chock therapy – it sounds like I’m on my way out in the near future, but I would like to know if there are soteria-like houses or places in Denmark, Sweden, Norway or Finland – or perhaps a country on the European Mainland. OR – is it possible to obtain more than a months’ visum for the United States? Then I’m going to go.
At the place I’m at right now they are sweet but they view psychosis as an ilness, a mental ilness that should go away, while I say it’s more like soul/mind journey to the core or a meeting with the grand existantial – God, life, love – forces.
Thanks I hope you see this. If not, I hope it doesn’t bother you too much that I write you an email.
Anywway have a good time.
Christian Wei
hi Christian,
Greetings from Portland, Oregon. Good to hear from you. My reply will be short because i’m on the road right now!!
I’m glad to read your message — thank you. I have heard of a house in Norway that might be like Soteria. The woman who runs it (i think she runs it) emailed me some time ago. It’s non-medical, from what she said, and is focused I believe on art therapy. I really don’t know a lot about it, though, having never visited.
apparently it’s “a small house in the countryside 7 Norwegian miles north of Oslo in a small community called Hurdal.”
the website is: http://www.livil.no
and it’s in norwegian… but it might be worth checking out…..
wishing you the best!
daniel
Hi Daniel , I share the same views you do. I work in the Emergency Room full time and two part time fire dept jobs. I see a moral decline along with a demise in our society. What makes it so hard is I have to raise my daughter in it. I also suffered a traumatic childhood and wrote a book about it. Here is my press release if your interested. Thank you. James R Marrelli http://www.prweb.com/releases/2013/10/prweb11213767.htm
Hi Daniel, the world of open dialogue was brought to my attention through the film that you made and your blog. Thank you! I am currently training to be a clinical psychologist in the UK and am considering writing my thesis in this area. I was wondering how you made contact with the centre and what your links were? I have tried to find people’s email addresses online but I’m not sure if they are up to date etc and just wondered who to contact to enquire about conducting research over there. Any info would be greatly appreciated! Kind regards, Sarah.
hi Sarah,
I have some contacts over there and I’ll reply to you backchannel. All the best,
Daniel
you don’t seem to have a way to send an email to you so I’ll skip leaving my email address as I am required to post in public. I would like to ask where your privacy policy is since we can’t watch this streaming in iTunes or on netflix and have to receive a DVD – can’t tell if this means we will receive more paper mail later. I would prefer to stream it and get only email marketing or followups and not paper mail (because if paper mail is involved in marketing, i have to update you every time i move). So I’m interested to see your video but I only see this physical disk method. Maybe sometime you might get it into iTunes or Netflix or some streaming way or tell us the privacy policy on our postal addresses so we know what happens if we buy it through you. If you have it on amazon.com I don’t have to worry about that too much because they never send me marketing. I do see a book by a similar title on amazon but not the video.
Hi M.,
greetings. People’s emails don’t show up publicly on my website if they post — only I see them, as I am the sole administrator of the site.
Also, I’m sorry I don’t yet have my movies available for streaming. Soon, I hope — I am slowly working on it, because it is important, including for the reasons you mention.
Meanwhile, if someone buys a DVD or DVDs from my website, I post the DVDs — which is the only reason I need a physical mailing address — and I do no marketing. I never promote anything and I don’t use people’s addresses or emails for anything else, and of course I don’t share people’s private information with anyone.
And a big part of the reason that I don’t make my email public is that I was getting so many emails it was becoming a lot of work for me. Although I really like replying to people, I was finding that I simply didn’t have the time. But sometimes there is good reason to exchange emails with people, so I often do reply backchannel to people who post here. But many things that people were asking in private emails were things that I think they could ask in public here — and other people could see the correspondence and thus the messages (be they complimentary or critical of this site) could reach more people, and be useful to others.
That was my reasoning for switching my website to a blog format.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Mr. Mackler,
I don’t even know where to begin or really even what to say.
I am thirty years old and just now realizing that I have endured childhood trauma, thanks my husband who is trying so hard to heal himself from his childhood traumas with the help of yourself, Stefan Molyneux, et al. I always thought I had a great childhood, but now that I think about it I don’t remember much of anything before adolescence. I know that most of my decisions stems from what happened in my childhood even though it is locked away, buried beneath the glass house. I just read the book, “The Drama of the Gifted Child, The Search for the True Self”, by Alice Miller and I realized that I have repressed so many feelings in my childhood that I do not have any actual real feelings from my true self. I have been living in this false self for as long as I can remember. I do not how to love, be happy, sad, angry, or even rage. I am living with grandiosity by trying to excel in everything I do to mask the true feelings of my true self. I am always meeting the demands of others and not the ones of myself. I am a caregiver or think so, but do I even know how to appropriately care for others when I am leading a false life. I have two young children ages, 7 and 4, I feel like I have already passed my traumas onto them. Not letting them be who they are, not letting them have emotion because I do not have any of my own. I hope that it is not to late to reverse the trauma. I know that I need to heal myself first and find my true self, but how? I am scared to death to see a therapist that will only use my experiences to make them feel better or one that will not allow me to fully find those repressed feelings because they are scared themselves. I want help, but not if it is going to make me worse than I already am. Do you have any tips or advice that you can give me as I begin my journey to finding my true self. Thank you for your time and consideration.
hi Jessica,
very intense posting. hmm……i guess if i were to give tips or advice to you, which i’m hesitant to do because this is such personal stuff, i would suggest being very very gentle with yourself. this stuff can easily become overwhelming, and as far as i see it pushing oneself usually doesn’t help at all. i think trusting one’s own feelings and respecting one’s own level of anxiety and one’s own comfort level is very important. going to therapy was not a helpful part of my journey, so even though i was a therapist myself i am hesitant to recommend therapy, unless you can find someone you deeply trust — someone who respects you deeply and honors your feelings and your process. so……i don’t know if this is helpful, but i wish you the best on your journey.
–daniel
Dear Mr. Daniel this has been a very hard time for me the mental health system has abused me we have a broken mental health system and I a underserved young adult cant get her needs met I am a adult who cant get her needs met this has been very hard for me I am a person who society ahs thrown away and I am a person with depression and a person who the mental health care system has failed this has been so very hard for me we need a better system in this country I cant get my needs met as a underserved young adult I have tried to advocate for my needs on many levels but I am my only advocate I need some supportive people to help me to get my needs met so I can be a successful person in are society I have been left behind as a person with vast needs. Jessica thank you for your time
dear Jessica—-
thank you for writing. your words are intense — it sounds very difficult and painful. i am wishing you the best — and i will send you a backchannel email. i’m not sure where you live, but maybe i have some contacts of good people in your area (such kind people who have also been through the mental health system — psychiatric survivors) who you might want to connect with, if, of course, that interests you. yours, daniel
Daniel, I want to thank you for your efforts and honesty. You’re an example for me. Your videos, website and your book Toward Truth have given me a larger outlook on life and what is possible. Thanks to you I know it’s possible for me to be healed. Again, thank you for your work and please keep it up!
thanks Emanuel!! much appreciated————Daniel
I feel like it is only appropriate to share this with you, because it was your recent essay on being lost that reinforced aspects that struck me as similar to what I have been going through.
I’m in a very similar phase. I guess I’m still lost but still young, maybe how you were in your second stage of growth. But nonetheless, I am currently lost, but also gaining clarity about my family of origin, and the horrible things my brother and I have to go through, the manipulation and the screaming, in their household.
I guess I’m more scared, and a fear, a fear that I just can’t shake off, of shame I believe. Of not being able to just leave and actually start my life. Freedom is still just a fog for me, not sure how to attain it for myself.
And when I read that you have been biking and hitchhiking, I really felt scared as almost that I wanted to do same to find myself, but in that moment I also felt like a copy, like I was trying to copy what you did to find my path. Shame, it just reoccurs.
It’s been on my mind though, these sort of adventures, where I am free and I don’t seek the security; the false security that it is. I wonder if you have any words of advice, about the need for security? I’d be all ears.
I’m really glad that you exist Daniel, because sometimes without having the openness that I have experienced from you and a few others on the internet I would not be able to strive for my freedom.
Thank you, Thank you
hi alexandru—
i have no advice to give, except maybe to keep trying to be true to yourself!! it’s a hard and often lonely road — that’s what i’ve found. and i don’t know anyone who does it perfectly. i haven’t, that’s for sure. lots of mistakes — and i keep trying to learn from them.
i am wishing you the best on your journey through life!!
and greetings from australia-
daniel
Hi Daniel, just read you are currently in Australia.. Hope you enjoy our country…
Hi Dolma,
Yes, I’m in Alice Springs. Having a wild time!! Going off into the bush today….now that my presentations are done and I have a little free time. Wishing you the best! Daniel
Hi Daniel, I read your article on psychiatric treatment without force. Can you please suggest to me how to about treating my wife who has not had bath for over 100 days now! She does not change her clothes for several days. I have been trying to convince her to come to a psychiatric unsuccessfully. Is there any method other than force in this case?
hmm………..Greetings Resh. I can’t say I know what to suggest. It’s very hard to suggest things from a distance… There are so many possibilities. Psychiatrists generally just prescribe drugs and that has many dangers. Maybe a therapist is better? Or maybe someone else who has been through serious troubles and has come through them could talk with her? Maybe there is something that she wants or requests that might be helpful to her? Maybe a friend? But I think force usually has many negative consequences…especially in the long-run. Maybe somehow there is a way to engage her in dialogue… Wishing you the best—-Daniel
Hi Daniel, I am Mindaugas, I am from Lithuania. Schizophrenia became ill 2010. July is already sick 3 years. I hear voices who asks to suicide, I felt as if someone harassed. I am very scared, I watch at night, plagued by stress. I take medication for schizophrenia, as well as allows the anticipated medication Xeplion. Highly desirable for help because they are conscious of what to do, it seems at once the head explodes. Even experienced post-traumatic stress syndrome, now I feel like I would be empty head, I should not news. I graduated from the computer science master’s degree. Thanks for your understanding. Wait for an answer.
Greetings Mindaugas — I am wishing you the best. It sounds very, very difficult — what you are experiencing.
Daniel
hey daniel,
My name is KB and i find myself over thinking my past and now that i see it, it is more for the help of me. I am a 15 year old kid that seeks help for my traumatized life. i write my story over and over in my journal that has continuous stories about my life. i mean i think it helps, but is it enough…? How can you help me please contact me form my email…
hi KB — i’ll reply to your email backchannel. all the best to you——daniel
p.s. tough to be 15. not the most fun time in my life, i can assure you of that!!
THE DRAMA of the gifted child.
Hi Daniel.
Alice Miller hates YOU and love ME. roll on the floor. okidoki. Her son Martin Miller wrote in germany a book about her mother. See my site.
http://citisite.wordpress.com/alice-miller-das-wahre-drama-des-begabten-kindes/
Translated in english: „The real drama of the gifted child.“ Not available in english, but I know that you speak german. BUY IT!
One message, too. On my citisite wordpress site I publihed some VIDs (own production) about Early Childhood and NeuroScience. If your readers (from your site) are interest, please click …
http://citisite.wordpress.com/citisite-vids-cells-that-fire-together-wire-together/
embrace you.
wolfgang
PS. Yesterday I was at a place where Hermann Hesse wrote some ideas. In Würzburg, Hofgarten 🙂 nice place.
greetings Wolfgang!!
I have heard about Alice Miller’s son’s new book. I wish I could read German. I hope it comes out in English soon—-
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I googled child trauma and found your site today. First of all, thank you for your transparency, sense of openness, and your focus on important subjects. I’m happy I found your supportive community.
I experience my relationships right now as mirrors most of the time. As triggers of healed loving places of peace within myself or unhealed places in need of validation, self-love, and forgiveness. And I can also see now when I am the mirror for someone else. For instance, I can stay calm if someone feels afraid and angry and starts projecting. That happened last night and I felt like a child. I admitted to feeling shaky and experiencing the projection of fear & shame, but was also aware enough to say to this trusted person, “I am calm, you are projecting.” Own your emotions.
John Bradshaw introduced me to the idea of carried rage. That’s what he called projection of emotions: “Carried”. He also helped me understand the reason why adult projection of emotion onto a child is so harmful. The emotional body of an adult is so mature, developed, and strong that it literally overwhelms the child’s underdeveloped, immature and weaker emotional body.
So, for instance, in a situation where a child is being molested, raged on, or physically hit, the emotions of the adult are imprinted onto the child’s invisible emotional “body”. That imprint must be released in some way. If not, it could possibly result in the child repeating the pattern onto someone else in the future in order to “get gotten” on the experience. I have seen this over and over and have experienced this phenomenon firsthand. The child can become a perpetrator as an adult- or even right away- unwillingly in an unconscious attempt to rid him/herself of the overwhelming overlay of the carried emotions of shame, anger, fear, and all that was projected during the act of boundary-breaking non-love.
Thanks again for your forum here. I am committed to healing and appreciate the ability to write about it.
hi OpenHearted—-
thank you for sharing! I find what you write interesting and useful. I haven’t read too much John Bradshaw but I have heard a lot about him over the years.
Wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hi Daniel, i am Erminia Colucci, a researcher in the Centre for International Mental Health at The University of Melbourne and also an ethnographic film-maker and psychologist. One of my colleague informed me about your work and I would like to get in touch with you, please write me when you can. thanks and congratulations for your interesting work!
ciao
Erminia
cool Erminia,
I’ll reply to you backchannel. Sending you best wishes from Florida, where I am now. Now that I think about it, if you superimposed Australia over the United States where I am in the USA is more or less the same as where Melbourne is in Australia….. Just my brain’s thought for the moment….
Daniel
Daniel,
I discovered your blog after marathoning videos on the Open Paradigm Project website. I am a therapist who spends my days at an “alternative” high school (society sees my students as “castaways” I see them as survivors). I resonate so strongly to your questioning of the efficacy of psychotherapy (I stopped believing in psychopharm long ago [actually the biomedical model never resonated with me] so that’s not even an issue of evaluation) and find myself questioning it also. There is no “technique” I could use with my kids that would ever prove of greater benefit than my being present for them, my serving as witness to their suffering, my validating their experience of childhood trauma, my depathologizing those experiences for them and my loving them. Which is what I do, in spite of what my field expects and trained me to do…I love my kids. My point is….thank you. Thank you for your work. Thank you for your voice in the field. Thank you for advocating for wounded kids and thank you for allowing me to know that there are others out there who see childhood traumatization as I do.
Humbly,
Jennifer Aleksic
Dig it Jennifer — thanks!! It’s nice to get good feedback. I appreciate it — Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I have a question about the Open Dialogue documentary you made and wondered if you could drop me a quick e-mail?
Thanks very much,
Corrine
sure — i’ll send you a backchannel email — daniel
Hi Daniel, how you doing? Have just read your ” lost”, post.at 62, I still feel like I’m connecting to the wounded and unheard child within.
Guess also, I’m in a slightly
” lost” phase of my life. Given, I still have a 16 yr old in school, and other family connects.. But my inner self is dancing thru and around a lot of stories. Maybe this time of life, reflection/ solitude is called for.
Had my marriage/ children..
Now. Finding a purposeful direction for my energies… Is my aim. But
Taking my time, relaxing in the quiet… Take care, Daniel
Hello Mr. Mackler, I’m writing from İstanbul, Turkey -near Taksim exaclty :)- and very glad to learn from the comments that you were recently been here, shared with us the great days of protest. I’ve studied political sciences and in the light of your work, I can see a parallelism between the individual healing from the childhood parental trauma and what we are collectively experiencing right now in social level; let’s call it healing from social trauma caused by the state, the existing political system. Everyone says “nothing will be the same”, “now the fear has changed its place, it is no longer in our side but in their” etc. We once broke free from the lies, abuses and manipulations of the government, ‘we don’t talk to them’ and we know it is impossible for us to be fooled anymore. Likewise, maybe don’t know where to go exactly or how but we deeply feel the charm and the confidence of social enlightenment on our road, our hearts are now wide open to each other, we are nurturing each other, we finally feel truly free and united, cherishing resistance, uprising, sharing, altruism and solidarity. I used to know the saying like “every moment you resist, every moment you uprise you live truly and every moment you comply, every moment you give way you die truly” but now we are really experiencing what it means. And this social healing process is largely expressing itself in boosted collective humor and creativity.
Well, I came here to thank you personally, indeed. I’m right now reading your book, Toward Truth – I’m at page 97 exactly- and it is saving my life. I am also a victim of a narcissistic and alcoholic mother, suffered long from many sorts of self-sabotages, self-deceptions, addictions, you know… And unfortunately I also reproduced helplessly while I was unenlightened. But in my case it was thanks to the relation I’m trying to form with my child that I first faced with my own dissociation. And started my journey toward healing with deep grieving and all the stages you know. Now that I’m away from my mother –despite her serious illness and all criticisms I receive- and feel the true inner peace and happiness of being on my journey toward enlightenment, two things saddens me: First, have made a child; as when I woke up and started to truly love him and becoming able to truly nurture him I also paradoxically started to really regret for given birth to him. I don’t know how much pain and damage I caused him till now and how much I will maybe cause further, despite all my presently conscious efforts and real desires to be the parent he deserves and I feel very sorry for him. And my second sadness is, as far as I go toward enlightenment I feel lonelier. As you describe very well in your book, there is very few people who surpassed their dissociation. I have good friends, real comrades to die for but unfortunately they are far from understanding… Well, I’m also writing my own history — and maybe one day I can also have the chance to be interviewed by you, as you expressed your intention to interview people about their childhood traumas
Sorry for being too long and sorry for my bad English but lastly: When I’ve read on the comments the interesting questions about the origin of the parental abuses over generations I thought that two stages of human history can be more deeply investigated: The period of passage to modernity, as modernity is also defined by the creation of the what is private (private sphere), dissociated from what is public (public sphere). Also by the creation of the ‘modern atomic family ‘ (mother+ father+ child) instead of traditional communities and bigger memberships. And also by the individuality. Or maybe this is more ancient; this is started at Neolithic’s, when matriarchy ceded its place to patriarchy? Anyhow, this question also intrigued me, I will also think and research about it.
Dear Mr. Mackler, I’ve read Alice Miller, Joanne Greenberg and others before I come across your work and I can appreciate its value in the light of these readings. But I can much appreciate it with the genuine inner feeling and cognitive conviction about what is correct, true and well said. You are giving a great service to humanity; I would like to express my sincere gratitude and wish you all the best in your journey. Thank you.
wow!! Refika — thank you!! lovely message. very powerful. especially in light of my time in turkey, which was……to be frank…….EXTREMELY powerful for me. i got so much out of it. i have always avoided collective protests. i’ve seen a lot of them and somehow they never called to me. what happened in turkey (i was in izmir) was different. i was CALLED to be there, and to be part of it. it was extremely special to me, and i felt changed by it. people were also utterly welcoming to me. all that you write about the protests and post-protests is what i felt there. i knew something deep and profound was happening, and while i was in the middle of the protests i cried every day — it touched something so deep in me. and when my new turkish friends (whom i met at the protests) saw me cry they understood, and they hugged me and cried too. it was amazing. it was on a group level very similar to what i am writing about on this website and in my book “toward truth.” a little different, but still……quite parallel in some ways.
i like what you write about the shift to modernity. i agree and i think it needs more research. most of my life experience is in very modern cultures. it is a limitation of my point of view. thankfully i have traveled enough, though, to know that all the world is not (and certainly WAS not) just like it is in our modern ultra-tech cities…… and i also grew up a lot in the woods…….sometimes without running water or toilets. so that helps………
i am glad to connect with you, and i thank you for coming here and writing this, and also for sharing about your life. i wish you the best and i hope to keep in touch,
daniel
Hey Daniel,
I just read your newest article “In a Lost Stage of My Life” and I must say it’s rather incredible!
I was always wondering what you where up to in daily life. Giving up stability, comfort and structure for uncertainty and freedom must be nerve wrecking.
But I really salute that kind of decision. And I kind of wish for a life like that full of experience and freedom, but I am just too scared of the consequences.
I am kind of concerned for you though, will you always be living like this, or are you planning on going back to a more structured life? What if you run out of money etc.?
Isn’t it just enough to live according to your true self? Wherever the location or whatever situation in life?
And what are your thoughts about trying to enlighten other people, I sometimes get discouraged when people still keep denying, I explained to myself that the truth is a matter of choice. People will only truly change once they deep inside want to and decide to, regardless of anything or anyone external, and I think depression forces people to look inwardly at their true feelings.
So I think the world will keep being like this for a long long time. I thought to myself that this could just be a new stage of human evolution you know, maybe in the future we become more evolved to become more conscious of ourselves and our feelings. As you could see with more and more people getting into depression and having to make a choice whether to live according to their truth and stop the self denial in almost every country.
Thank you Daniel.
hello john doe,
greetings from new york. aaaah — no need to be concerned about me. i put a lot of energy and preparation into taking care of myself. and i can always work a regular job if i need to. also, i am confident of my life path — that it is taking me in the right direction. just a bit lost now!! but lost in a healthy way, i feel — having the confidence to let myself be lost and not forcing myself to choose the “right” (or “right now”) path. just to be where i am…….
about trying to enlighten others: well…i don’t really try that. i just share my point of view, mostly in writing, and if others are drawn to it then that’s great. and if they’re not……well………..there’s not much i can do about it. i don’t try to force my point of view or opinions on anyone. half because i don’t like people forcing stuff on me and half because it doesn’t work anyway!!!
wishing you the best,
daniel
Thank you for replying Daniel, much appreciated!
Do you know of any good therapists around Seattle? I very much look forward to if you are starting the show you talked about when you hosted on freedomainradio.
Hi Landon,
I don’t know anyone off the top of my head, but I have some contacts and I’ll send you a backchannel email.
all the best,
Daniel
Hello. I am a registered nurse at a residential treatment facility and I recently started a blog called drugthechildrennurseblog.com. I wanted to know if you would check out the site and maybe post a link if you like it. Thanks
hi joe,
greetings. i’ll check out the link. thanks. greetings to you! daniel
Daniel,
Your website is provocative, compelling, and thought-provoking. Even in places where I disagree with you I must admit you’ve made me think.
I invite you to check out my blog, The James Bulger Murder Revisited, at this address:
http://www.jamesbulger.net
If you don’t remember, James Bulger was the toddler tragically murdered by two ten-year-old boys in Liverpool England, 20 years ago. I recently became fascinated by the case and after doing a bit of research, I became increasingly disgusted and finally infuriated by the misrepresentation and sensationalization of the facts by the disgraceful British tabloids.
If ever there was a violent crime committed by juveniles that had clear causes in the abuse and neglect of the perpetrators by their own parents – as well as neglect by various other adult authority figures (school teachers, school administrators) – it was this one.
Rather than look at the clear roots of this tragedy in ADULT neglect, abuse, and indifference, the British tabloid media chose to demonize these boys as bad seeds and “freaks of nature” (an exact headline phrase) and seem bound and determined to this very day to instigate vigilante violence against them. A scenario straight out of Alice Miller has instead been turned into a freak show. None of the lessons about childhood trauma and parental abuse that should have been learned, were learned.
I invite you to read my blog entries and leave comments – I really value your point of view – and I hope to add new entries as frequently as possible.
thanks Pariah Dog. I was recently in England for a bit and was reading about the James Bulger case when I was there. Intense stuff. Wishing you the best, and thanks for posting. Daniel
Hey Daniel,
What is your impression of it http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/pub-res/pdf/childhood_stress.pdf
Is there a Positive or Tolerable stress ? I do not think so…
Thanks
Mike
The investigative report on this site concerns a Tulane University student attacked by a Tulane psychiatrist during the period when Tulane was actively participating in the CIA project MKUltra. The student was tortured for seven years. This historical; record should be of value to investigators seeking information on Louisiana hospitals during this period.
louisianastatehospitals.com
All documents are free
Hello Daniel: I am called Carolina am from Chile. To they diagnosed Theirs Esquizoafectividad, and I want to cure myself and since I cannot travel for there I would like to know the web direction of the documentary recovering in house for some day to take this therapy and to leave this crutch. Very grateful. Carolina
Hola Carolina!! Tengo tres documentarios en Español — aqui — http://wildtruth.net/dvdsub/es/
Le deseo buena suerte en su recuperación. Saludos desde Nueva York!
Daniel
Hi, I was just wondering if you are going to be releasing your new movie “Coming off of Psych drugs” or are you just going to be doing screenings? Just because I don’t think I can make the screenings but I am very interested in seeing this movie and having others with mental illness see it as well.
hi Jessica,
greetings! well…the DVD for the movie is for sale on this website (i mail it out): http://wildtruth.net/dvd/psychdrugs/
it’s a bit expensive…..i’m sorry about that……..but that’s one way to see it. but it would be cool if you could come to a screening – those are always fun!
all the best to you,
daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was hoping you might still be available for correspondence by email. I am interested in meeting with Jaakku Seikkula in Jyvaskyla and wanted to ask you a bit more about your films and interviews with him.
Thanks so much,
Maria
hi maria,
i’ll send you a message backchannel.
all the best
daniel
Hi Daniel,
Sorry to tag in on this reply but I did not know how else to ask you this question;
Is there Open Dialogue in New Zealand? or Australia?
Would like to know as I am currently on abilify and i want off, maybe open dialogue may help me?
hi RHN — well, there’s no open dialogue in australia at present. i doubt it in new zealand. some of the open dialogue folks from finland are giving a presentation in australia — brisbane, i believe — in february. but open dialogue is not really geared for helping people come off medication, though i’m sure it could help in some cases. maybe there are other local resources that would be more useful……. if you reply here — maybe your location? — i might have some more ideas. of if you prefer a backchannel email just note that and i’ll email you.
all the best,
daniel
Hi Daniel, Just got directed to your site whilst looking up Alice Miller… Just my sort of content. But,
I’ll read thru some blogs before
Joining the conversation. Hi from
Queensland, Australia…
If I post you a comment, will you answer it then? Or do you prefer mail?
hi sofus,
i’ll certainly try to answer your comment. and i find value in writing my answers publicly — then i feel i can share my thoughts more publicly — not always so privately.
all the best,
daniel
Hi Daniel,
“wild truth” is a good “positioning!” My Marketing-soul answers you 🙂 See Steve JOBs: “stay hungry, stay foolish!”
Your critic of Alice Miller is right, and in my communication with A.M. I notified: “of course, Miller split some things”, but over all … Miller is unmatched, and NeuroScience gives Miller right!
This all is starting to make perfect sense now, the denial in the family system is extended into the world through society. I think ‘narcissists’ are the perfect example, they need people to take care of them and their unresolved needs to maintain the fantasy of who they are, to maintain the denial of their internal pain.
And I am trying to be careful to use the term ‘narcissists’ hence the quotation marks. Because my belief used to be that it is about ‘normal’ people vs ‘narcissists’ out in the world, but now I after reading your articles and watching your videos I agree that we are all born with a narcissistic need to be taken care of. And that ‘narcissists’ and also ‘normal’ people simply haven’t got their needs met. Basically this is your theory, that it is not about ‘normal vs narcissists’.
But that everyone is born this way and has intense internal need from their parents. So in a way you could argue that ‘narcissists’ and ‘normal’ people are one and the same, children who have had to deny their true self to survive in the family unit.
I kinda feel stupid now because there are a lot of blogs out there that are so anti-narcissism and antagonize them, that I deep down felt that it only distracts you from the real problem, and that problem is of your unresolved internal needs and traumas.
I used to be very much like this, absolutely blaming narcissists for all the evil going on, and not going any further or deeper than that. But after reading your articles and watching your videos on youtube, you kind of opened my eyes now.
And if I may, can I ask you what your opinions are about psychopaths and malignant narcissists, I mean these people can do very nasty things and I felt that this started my journey to get to know what is really going on with myself. As I felts used and manipulated by these type of people in a very one sided relationship. My role was for me to meet their needs, and to keep things short I know that this stems from my childhood role, safety etc.
But I want to stop harassing you know and I want to admit that I am asking about your view about narcissism, psychopathy etc. Because I am at a crossroads now, I absolutely relate to and believe your theory, but because I have read tonnes and tonnes about narcissism, I want to see which side of the story holds more truth, so that I can pick a side and make sense of it all sort of.
And as you hold some really valid points of view, I want to see how what your views are about this subject. And as a side note I have already read your article “So what the hell is narcissism anyway?” , but I felt that because it wasn’t specific to my experience that I kind of wanted to know more about what you think about both malignant narcissism and psychopathy, basically these two bad guys, the bad guys of society.
And what do you think about these blogs that antogonize narcissists and psychopaths so much? Is it just easy to scapegoat narcissists and psychopaths and view yourself as normal and not narcissistic? I feel like it is some sort of cop out, to say that you are normal and these people are sick.
I’m sorry if I am bothering you and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t really want to.
Hi Daniel,
Yay, I can’t ask for more than that! Thanks.
Over and out,
Ela
Hey, I feel like I have discovered a gold mine with your blog here, excellent articles, you have no idea how much I need this. I decided to be on the path to healing and I need reaffirming articles to remind me that Im not alone and that my feelings are true indeed. Thank you very very much Daniel Mackler, if only todays media was filled with more spiritualy valuable content like this, I was on a witch hunt on google to find content related to my problem. Again thank you very much, we might not know each other, but as a fellow human being I am very thankful!!
cool JohnDoe — thanks for sharing this. i really do hope it proves useful to you. —Daniel
John Doe,
I am in the process of reading a book by Alice Miller, called “The Drama of the Gifted Child”. It has a lot to say to help one understand childhood (and adult) “narcissism”. I recommend it. – Ramacita
Hey I already have that book.
But thank you for recommending though, very much appreciated.
It’s a wonderful book and made me tear about 8 times, very intense and sometimes I had to stop when reading because it was too overwhelming and I had to digest what I read.
Hello, Daniel. Are you still available for contact via e-mail? I couldn’t find a contact link on your new site here. I wrote to you a couple of years ago but have since lost your address. I just have a few questions for you about your opinions on therapy for a specific form of childhood trauma: extreme social isolation in childhood. If you have the time, you can reach me at the e-mail address I submitted. Thanks!
greetings “c”. yes, i’ll send you a private email. wishing you the best
daniel
I finally feel like someone really understands the childhood and human psych. You are very very wise and knowledgeable. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety from childhood sexual abuse. It has taken my unconscious and has blurred my views of my fully conscious mind. It’s very difficult to try and keep my conscious in reality because I get so anxious and scared of things I can still consciously see are not anything to be scared of, but are reminding me of my past. I am a dancer and I realized the only was I can dance, and express everything I feel is if I only allow myself to deal with every single part of my traumatized childhood. I completely blocked out my entire childhood as I was to afraid to look at it. But like you have said in your videos, your unconscious deals with it and makes our conscious mind in ways deal with it as well. For some people in a more or less drastic way. In my case it completely paralyses me. Sometimes I can’t understand why I feel like I can’t breathe, or speak, or move. My childhood unconscious is intertwining with my everyday world. It’s a very frustrating and debilitating thing to go through. I love dancing so much, and want to express my story so much that I want to heal and will do anything to heal. Even uncover those dark truths I never wanted to look at. It’s sometimes very overwhelming to do it on my own. If there is anyway I can have some more insight and help from you, it would help a lot. I feel like you are the only one that understands.
hi peleg,
thank you for sharing — and i’m wishing you the best on your journey. right now i am traveling around the world, and not on the internet that much. i used to be a therapist — and devoted to that, but now my energies are elsewhere. i’m still engaged in my own healing process, though its external form has in some ways changed from what it was a few years back. well, i hope my writings and videos continue to provide some use to you. i wish i could provide more, and hope to do more writing and videos and other things in the future. meanwhile, i really am wishing you the best!! daniel
Dear Daniel,
Writing to introduce myself and our company virtually for now. I am founder and CEO of a boutique production and distribution company based in Toronto, Canada with sales offices and production partners in New York City and Los Angeles.
Currently writing you while on holiday to find out if your films are available for television distribution. Are rights free in English-speaking countries and other international global territories? Please let me know what rights are available and if you have an agent.
I came across your website while doing research for one of our television series in development. Your films are vitally important and have made a profound impact on viewers, myself included.
Our distribution division has licensed programs in over 140 territories and we represent third party and original content in all major markets worldwide. Our most recent factual docudrama production, HERO DOGS OF 9/11 will be airing on Discovery/ Animal Planet USA this September. The program previously aired in Canada, Italy, France and Spain to highest ratings since 2011-2012.
In addition, I would like to find out more about your upcoming projects and to find out if you have any interest in hearing about one of our internal projects that covers some of the sensitive mental health issues you are exploring in new ways as a series concept. We are currently gearing up to pitch Discovery Fit & Health Channel in early June. Hope you are checking posts here.
Would be delighted to connect and look forward to hearing from you within your earliest convenience.
I am checking emails twice a day and I will be in the office on Tuesday after the long weekend holiday. Hope you are enjoying your weekend too!
Kind regards,
Tanya Kelen
hi Tanya — I’ll reply backchannel via email! all the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I greatly appreciated your long-ago and astute review of the work of fiction called Roots, on amazon.com, and that is what led me to your interesting website. Your comment about Haley not condemning people having children just to have them is quite important; that is something of course done far more in other societies such as in India where parents want more hands for work. And in fact, for all their problems, Americans are rather mildly traumatized when COMPARED with people in many other countries…
So here are my experiences in Mali, West Africa (since you mentioned someone’s notes on the San in East Africa- seemingly a glowing portrayal). I’m married to a Malian and have spent many months living with his family which now consists of his elderly mother, his brother, wife and 6-7 kids. The average number of children in Mali is 7 so they are right on average, with an age span of 24 years between the oldest and youngest…anyway, the interesting aspect of this culture is that the kids are almost totally ignored.
Just how traumatizing this is by itself, I don’t know, since kids are “free” to run around (and there must be some value in that), but being ignored, coupled with the fact that often the households comprise one husband and his 3-4 wives makes for real trauma.
There is no warm-fuzzy aspect of this life, as Westerners who have only a superficial visit may think (“all the wives cooperate to share the chores”). Malians worry about who will think what and will go to great lengths to fake happiness or a semblance of cooperation…These co-wives really hate each other, and will do most anything to make their own children look better to the father. There is ferocious jealousy between wives, even more so when a new younger wife joins the courtyard.
Oh I forgot to say, they usually all live in the same compound so everyone knows where the mutual husband is spending his nights…The co-wives regularly put ‘bad spells’ on each others’ children, and sometimes the children die, perhaps from meningitis or malaria, but people definitely believe the spell is what made the child die. Naturally this creates more discord. Nothing is analyzed in the psychological sense, everything is glossed over. (My husband talks about all this often; he was severely traumatized by his father marrying three more wives after his mother, the first wife.)
Children wake up on their own, show up when called for a meal, go off to school on their own, with perhaps an older sibling in charge (depriving that one of his/her carefree childhood). At night, they fall asleep in place, in the clothes they have worn all day, and when the adults go to bed, kids are carried off to their sleeping mats.
All day, the toddlers and the pre-school kids wander around the courtyard, out into the street, and around to neighbors, with nothing to play with. Poverty is only one small part of the problem. Nobody rigs up a simple swing in a tree, or plays ball or a game with them. It is a rare child who is held on a lap, is ever read to, or told stories to, despite our Western myth of everyone in “Africa” sitting around cozily together in the evening telling stories–about anything, let alone about their ancestral heritage or geneology!
Instead they ALL sit around at night and watch crummy programs -French news or Malian politicians arguing on TV. Teachers are forbidden to teach French in the elementary schools, yet the Bambara being taught is about as useful for later education or a job as Cherokee would be for American kids.
When I bring toys for them, the parents put them up on a high shelf, saying they fight over them–instead of instilling some sharing lessons.
Yes, mothers carry babies on their backs which we in our ignorance think is “bonding,” but it is really to get the kid out of the way. Babies have very little contact with the mother; she swings them around a few times a day to nurse and tosses them backwards again, out of the way. Furthermore these women pound millet in big wooden mortars, thumping hard with those tiny heads bobbing and whacking against their backs….talk about shaking the baby! Yes it “Takes a Village!” — because it takes the whole village to give any one Malian child the same amount of attention that one of our kids gets in a day.
So traumatized Americans, with all their unused possibilities, their lack of self-control and their many bad choices….just seem spoiled.
wow — thank you for your comment! i just read it with great interest. thank you for sharing this, though it was painful for me to read. i have never been to west africa…only north africa…a very different experience. i wish you all the best, Cindy Lou.
Daniel
I was just thinking the other day how lucky I was to be born in Switzerland, and to just ‘get over it’, but whilst reframing has its use as does putting things into perrspective, it’s (unfortunately) not as easy as that…..
Hi Daniel,
I greatly appreciated your long-ago and astute review of the work of fiction called Roots, on amazon.com, and that is what led me to your interesting website. Your comment about Haley not condemning people having children just to have them is quite important; that is something of course done far more in other societies such as in India where parents want more hands for work. And in fact, for all their problems, Americans are rather mildly traumatized when COMPARED with people in many other countries…
So here are my experiences in Mali, West Africa (since you mentioned someone’s notes on the San in East Africa), seemingly a glowing portrayal. I’m married to a Malian and have spent many months living with his family which now consists of his elderly mother, his brother, wife and 6-7 kids. The average number of children in Mali is 7 so they are right on average, with an age span of 24 years between the oldest and youngest…anyway, the interesting aspect of this culture is that the kids are almost totally ignored.
Just how traumatizing this is by itself, I don’t know, since kids are “free” to run around (and there must be some value in that), but being ignored, coupled with the fact that often the households comprise one husband and his 3-4 wives makes for real trauma.
There is no warm-fuzzy aspect of this life, as Westerners who have only a superficial visit may think (“all the wives cooperate to share the chores”). Malians worry about who will think what and will go to great lengths to fake happiness or a semblance of cooperation…These co-wives really hate each other, and will do most anything to make their own children look better to the father. There is ferocious jealousy between wives, even more so when a new younger wife joins the courtyard.
Oh I forgot to say, they usually all live in the same compound so everyone knows where the mutual husband is spending his nights…The co-wives regularly put ‘bad spells’ on each others’ children, and sometimes the children die, perhaps from meningitis or malaria, but people definitely believe the spell is what made the child die. Naturally this creates more discord. Nothing is analyzed in the psychological sense, everything is glossed over. (My husband talks about all this often; he was severely traumatized by his father marrying three more wives after his mother, the first wife.)
Children wake up on their own, show up when called for a meal, go off to school on their own, with perhaps an older sibling in charge (depriving that one of his/her carefree childhood). At night, they fall asleep in place, in the clothes they have worn all day, and when the adults go to bed, kids are carried off to their sleeping mats.
All day, the toddlers and the pre-school kids wander around the courtyard, out into the street, and around to neighbors, with nothing to play with. Poverty is only one small part of the problem. Nobody rigs up a simple swing in a tree, or plays ball or a game with them. It is a rare child who is held on a lap, is ever read to, or told stories to, despite our Western myth of everyone in “Africa” sitting around cozily together in the evening telling stories–about anything, let alone about their ancestral heritage or geneology!
Instead they ALL sit around at night and watch crummy programs -French news or Malian politicians arguing on TV. Teachers are forbidden to teach French in the elementary schools, yet the Bambara being taught is about as useful for later education or a job as Cherokee would be for American kids.
When I bring toys for them, the parents put them up on a high shelf, saying they fight over them–instead of instilling some sharing lessons.
Yes, mothers carry babies on their backs which we in our ignorance think is “bonding,” but it is really to get the kid out of the way. Babies have very little contact with the mother; she swings them around a few times a day to nurse and tosses them backwards again, out of the way. Furthermore these women pound millet in big wooden mortars, thumping hard with those tiny heads bobbing and whacking against their backs….talk about shaking the baby! Yes it “Takes a Village!” — because it takes the whole village to give any one Malian child the same amount of attention that one of our kids gets in a day.
So traumatized Americans, with all their unused possibilities, their lack of self-control and their many bad choices….just seem spoiled.
I’ve watched your talkes with great intrest and thank you for doing this. It moved a lot of things in me, I’m trying to write but it’s difficult.
There was one thing you said that hit me pretty hard, that if you had to take meds in your life, you cannot have children. I still believe even after through (self) therapy one can heal & be a “good” parent. What are your thoughts on this matter nowdays?
els from belgium
hi els,
greetings. good to hear from you. hmm….i think i wrote that it would be inappropriate for people who take meds to create children….but in the bigger picture i think that it’s basically inappropriate for everyone i’ve ever met, meds or not, to have children. i feel it would be inappropriate for me to have children… about the meds part in specific….i do know some parents who take psych drugs who are much better parents than other people who take no psych drugs.
all the best
daniel
Hi Daniel,
If everyone would follow this philosophy, don’t you think the human race would become extinct? I mean, how many people are there in this world that would qualify as “perfect parents”? Maybe extinction of the human race wouldn’t be the worst thing for this planet :), but since it is very unlikely that people will stop reproducing voluntarily, don’t you think it is important that people who are at least partially healed and aware of their trauma and are truly working hard on themselves have children, since otherwise the children of the ignorant masses will take over?
hi cori,
greetings!! i read your comment and realized that i wrote an essay about it some years ago and put it on the website: http://wildtruth.net/if-the-healthiest-people-remain-celibate-then-what-happens-to-the-future-of-our-species/
i think it expresses my point of view pretty well. i hope it’s not too snarky in tone!!! i didn’t write it as a specific reply to anyone…so i hope it doesn’t bug you!!!
meanwhile, if you have more questions feel free to ask!! all the best to you, from Greece (where i happen to be right now…)
daniel
Great website…I am wondering about one thing…if people pass on trauma to their children from generation to generation, it must have started somewhere? At what point did humans start to abuse and traumatize their children? I cannot imagine the first human beings who were on this planet beating up their children and misusing them? Where did this all start? What are your thoughts on this?
great question Cori…. hmmm…………..I have thought about that question some, and maybe I’ve even written about it before…… I think it deserves some good thought…….. I want to write more about it……… Yesterday I heard a talk about the San people (Kalahari Bushmen) from a Swedish filmmaker who lived with them for some time, and he spoke about them in the most glowing terms (no traumatizing kids, etc.). But was he just idealizing them? Perhaps…..I don’t know. I really do not know the answer to this. I think a lot of gorilla mothers are much less traumatizing to their infants and children than human parents are…. But I also wonder the historical origins of trauma…… Hmm………
Hello Daniel,
my name is Tim, we met in Lithuania, together with my girlfriend. Remember? I was (am) the “toy” developer. Hey, me and my girl got into a real painfull situation, and I truly need advice. Can not speak in public about this…Would you please contact me, if you would have the time? The questions that I have, and the need for it, are unfortunatly on the level of your proffession…Thanks in advance. Hope to be able to communicate with you as soon as possible.
Greetings,
Tim
I am the former director of NAMI Montgomery Co Ohio,I also served 4 years on the board of directors of a large mental health center. I am also suffer from PTSD. So far I have got off 90% of my meds the last 1 is Klonopin. The only help we have here is to lock you up for 3 days and pray you heal,I no lol. Well anyway Im here and Im well informed. glad to be a part of this page.
Glad to hear you’re doing fine Daniel…all the best to you too!
Hello Daniel –
Just had to share that I’m very concerned for you. I also worked as a therapist for many years and spent 20 years working through childhood trauma and what I hear in your videos, bio, essays and blog are strong underlying threads of fear….of the past? of not being “normal”? Or of the deeper pain that still hasn’t found it’s way out yet? Often we see clients intellectualize their pain (and past) away or rationalize to finally see themselves in that “I’m normal now” perspective. Reality check – no one is “normal” and we will never have perfection in this life – we will always be perfectly imperfect and there is joy, peace and freedom in that. Is that hard for you to sit still with in your life? I know its been a tough one for me yet freedom has come with that truth. I hope that comes for you too. Also, I’m concerned with your rigid views and critique of Alice Miller. Her balance of wisdom (from mistakes), education and grace in spite of the poor parenting in the world has reached so many that may not be able to hear her if they felt condemned. Remember that abusive parents are hurt children inside…would they be able to receive the message YOU have for them in a book?? Would they feel shamed?? Is that the answer? No. The heart has to speak to the heart if it’s going to be healed. Lastly, I wonder if you understand the pre-verbal shame development in many traumatized adult children and how it impacts the whole life span…this is something you appear to have no connection to and that makes your words seem harmful to those who are working through that trauma – as I did for many years. Teachers must always be teachable too.
I wish you all the best in your continued healing and growth and peace…just where you are.
God bless you.
hi Steffanie,
hmmm…….i think i’m doing fine, no need to be concerned for me. as for the “reality check” — i think this website by and large is a reality check. yet i was never under the impression that everyone would be able to absorb its message. it quite realistically can kick up a lot of unpleasant feelings in people, including, as you note, shame.
all the best,
Daniel
I experience your evolving…into Wild truth. As always the vibration of truth emanates from your writing, DVD’s and presence.
Hey Danny,
Keep up the great work! Your name is slowly growing here in Vancouver BC 🙂
Sometimes words resonate… sometimes they don’t… reading yours… they did! Thank you.
What a damn nice surprise !! AND it’s Spring , too . Inspiring , as usual. -Thanks, J.Joslin