Hello Everyone!
I am using this page to help me solve a problem I have had — that the number of comments on my website’s welcome page were making my website so slow to open! So I am moving all comments older than a few months old here. It’s probably not the best solution, but it’s better than avoiding the problem, which I have been for too long!
Warm greetings to everyone who’s reading this!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I hope you’re well.
What do you think about the struggle of refilling one’s energy every day? I mean the daily participation in society while also trying to stay alive inside one’s self. I found that I have to refill my mind and soul daily, which isn’t ideal, or I just shut down and go autopilot.
Such a good and resonating point. The difficulties of living in a world that is contrary to one’s own inner values is immense.
Hi Daniel I was wondering what your thoughts are about bpd being the new hysteria. I was diagnosed with bpd traits after getting out of an abusive relationship and I disagreed with the diagnosis and therapist refused to give me ptsd or cptsd. Then he said personally traits are different than the disorder which I believe is all the same. Why would a male therapist push so hard to make me have this diagnosis when it’s hurtful and full of stigma. Does he want to keep me hooked in the system? Cause I’m not sure why he won’t get rid of the diagnosis I’ve asked him. He works in a public health system in a hospital. He isn’t mean to me other wise unless he is insincere and actually doesn’t care. I’m very confused. What’s your thoughts on bpd as being the new hysteria and it’s mostly women after an abusive relationship and they want the woman to do behaviour therapy and punish her for the abuse and make her out as a liar.
Hi! thanks for your comment. I think you can make a good argument that bpd is the new hysteria. I also made a video critiquing the concept of borderline personality disorder, if you’re interested: Critique of Borderline Personality Disorder by a Former Psychotherapist
https://youtu.be/Pk8PRAKBEaQ
All the best,
Daniel
Your video is very good and I agree with what you said. I also think that bpd is given to female patients that male therapists are attracted to keep them as patients and to keep coming back and it’s a way for the patient to not be believed if the therapist wants to have sex with patient and it’s given in case the patient tells but most patients don’t telll.
Hi Daniel, I want to request you make a video on drug addiction, and the stigma attached to it. Further I have a question: are the modern rehabilitation center good to quit drugs?
When I interned in at a lower end rehab, I saw a mix of amazing healing and growth and total stuckness. Either way treating people with addiction like human beings that deserve respect and trust was so important. However, the facility itself did not fulfill that. It was often dirty with a very cheap and lazy cleaning service, boundary violating behavioral workers, overwhelmed therapists, a joke of “discharge planning”, the worst parts of AA, and in the middle of the ghetto with a liquor store 2 blocks away and a trap house even closer. Once a client was discharged due to lack of insurance before I arrived and could say goodbye and in those 30 minutes they had already purchased. Society is not able to facilitate recovery, and society will infest itself into rehabs.
Daniel I want to thank you with all my heart. If it wasn’t for your videos I wouldn’t have caught on to what the mental health system really does to people. Most therapists really do just lie to gain a patient’s trust and act like they care so they can put them on meds or give them Behavior Therapy like dbt and cbt. So they fit into society’s norms. They will do whatever they can to break you down it’s sad cause you want to believe that they care and truth is most don’t. You are one of the truly caring therapists. I heard a quote and thought it is right on beware of therapists in fancy offices there loyal is to their landlord not you. The mental health system is designed to keep people hooked not to heal. With your videos you help people all around the world know the truth and your videos are right on about everything. You should should do a video warning about motivational interviewing or motivational enchantment therapy where the therapist agrees with the patient even if they don’t believe them to gain the patients trust and friendship to get the patient to take meds or do whatever the therapist wants it’s really sick. Why don’t they just be honest.
I like your comments. If therapists were honest the whole paradigm would fall apart. If one continues to connect the dots, one may find that it is ALL a lie and that is just too painful for the collective to absorb.
Hey Daniel, so today I was thinking about what it means to be adaptable in the world, and how that might relate or conflict with some of your ideas about the self. I work in construction shoveling, using power tools, etc. and I sort of figure that in order to be adaptable and use my body and these tools with the proper form, I need to not have a strong commitment to being any one thing, and to me this might mean considering less of oneself and instead conforming to what the world asks of me. I’m curious what you think about this, and if you think a healthy self often considers itself, or rather just lets itself be in the world. I feel that what makes people stiff and rigid in their ways is a lack of fluidity and unhealthy ego, which I imagine comes from a lack of healing. I think being adaptable is greatly important for all things to survive, and I’m curious what you think it means to be adaptable in a world that can be somewhat sick. I’d love to hear any and all of your thoughts on the matter, because you’re a voice I consider when debating these things.
Hello! I have been reading the drama of the gifted child on your recommendation. Alice miller has talked alot about mourning for healing the inner child. What actually is mourning?
Hey Daniel,
I’m beginning to realise that for many abusive families, there could be a child that has all the abuse and acting out offloaded onto them, known as the scapegoat nowadays. But then, there may be another that is bred and groomed and spoiled and treated entirely differently to the abused child. But this is to allow the abusive parents to have an ATM of mirroring, therapy, justification and normalisation of their abuse of the other child, almost as some sort of totem of redemption for the abusive parents. It’s like because the parents know that the abuse they are acting out is heinous but they can’t help it and they’re in denial, they NEED to have another child which they can treat as an object of false redemption. This child is usually on the sidelines of abuse, and that chaotic environment along with profound neglect of this child’s true needs, can be enough to terrorise this child enough to behave, and feel extra grateful for the special treatment they get, and thus unbeknownst to them, grant these abusive parents “company”, “redemption” and “mirroring” and JUSTIFICATION for the awful things they’ve done to the other child. They also need this “mirror” child because they know the abused child, the scapegoat, is a lost cause; the scapegoat has been so terribly abused, and so relentlessly, that the scapegoat KNOWS how awful the parents are as human beings no matter how much they posture, and how beyond change or redemption the parents truly are – the scapegoat has eyes clear as water. Hence, the parents know the scapegoat child will refuse to meet the parents’ needs. Thus the spoiled “mirror” child becomes a vending machine of validation and needs for the parents, a “last resort”, that the parents wants to try “fix” themselves and the family with, “salvation” for these unconsciously guilty and lonely and paranoid and fucked up and lost parents, and this child has been so twisted and confused that they can even feel guilty and neglected from not being abused, yet knowing deep down something has wronged them. The parents may literally serve this child as if they are god, they will heed to their every command and every boundary, and this is convenient for the parents as this incapacitates the child from meeting their own needs, getting to know themselves, and becoming independent or a self from the parents.
What happens is this polarisation: a scapegoat child who is so terribly abused but retains a self and a sensibility of truth as clear as water, who the parents have given up and is relieved to eventually send away after abusing them for so long like a dishrag. But then the other child, this spoiled child, is a redemptive projected object, that helps them unconsciously absolve their guilt. But they can only coerce that out of this child by first terrorising this child with fear as they watch on the sidelines, but then also ply them with special treatment that they feel grateful for. However, this process literally warps the child’s mind, making them dependent, acclimated, and normalised to this abusive family and their dynamics. Because it is only in this twistedness that any child is even capable of justifying and mirroring and normalising to these fucked up parents such fucked up abusive dynamics at all. They associate control and safety and hyper-responsibility with these abusive dynamics, but they literally have no self, and are unaware others do. They idealise these parents to some extent (at least, far more than the scapegoat ever will). They become crippled and conveniently, the parents can use this deluded, pampered, spoiled, warped, conditionally loved half-creature of a person as their caregiver in their old age, while absolving the parents of all guilt of how truly fucked up and terrible and deserving of PUNISHMENT rather than CARE they as parents are. Especially since this child has needed to mirror and justify and normalise their shitty parents, they grow up to be just as shitty, because they think it’s okay and what normal “loving” parents do. And thus this cripples them even more, while they unconsciously have starved needs they are unaware of and thus never meeting by themselves in secret. It can be crippling even if they have a little sense of self and sense of victimhood remaining in them, because this causes them to go down with vicious mental illness, of them unconsciously being battered by truth but also vacillating violently with the lies they were groomed and bred to think of as truth growing up.
It’s like this “scapegoat” child was overtly abused, but as a result they know to more of an extent that it was abuse. They retain a self and a future livelihood as a result. But the second child received such opposite treatment, their MINDS and SELVES were invaded and robbed before they even knew it. It’s like the parents were acting out their process of compartmentalising their acting out selves and their well behaved selves onto their children. They literally can’t help acting out because they’re so disconnected, but they feel like they can only compartmentalise it by concentrating their abuse onto one child and then being totally polar opposite with the other child.
The spoiled deluded conditionally loved secretly neglected child may grow up to function either poorly or very well in the world, but either way, they have no self, their true needs have been unmet and starved this entire time, and they have no idea they’re acting out. I see this dynamic in my own family, but I’m beginning to realise that it is VERY common, and it can be in the more mildly abusive family systems, all the way to the most heinous cases that you see in the news. I mean, literally think of Harry Potter and Dudley! But then, also, the sexual abuse cases that crop up. These dynamics twist children’s minds, profoundly.
Have you observed this dynamic in the world too?
Thank you,
Mary
Oh and often, the spoiled child feels a sense of responsibility to save and idealise these beyond saving parents because that is literally what their parents are begging them for! Therapy, salvation, good treatment after their acting out! And so this child faces a psychologically messed up dilemma of seeing the wounded lost children of their parents, and how can you on a primal level turn away lost guilty children? Yet, in the bigger picture, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE PARENTS ARE FUCKING WITH THE MIND OF THIS ACTUAL CHILD FOR – for false redemption, to psychologically cripple this child and rob them of a self, and to normalise the abusive bigger picture!
Also… just realised… I think I’ve just figured out a HUGE part of why religious institutions are so fucked. Perhaps they were little children who were treated as totems of redemption in incredibly abusive households and now they’re replicating it.
Oh and often, the spoiled child feels a sense of responsibility to save and idealise these beyond saving parents because that is literally what their parents are begging them for! Therapy, salvation, good treatment after their acting out! And so this child faces a psychologically messed up dilemma of seeing the wounded lost children of their parents, and how can you on a primal level turn away lost guilty children? Yet, in the bigger picture, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE PARENTS ARE SCREWING WITH THE MIND OF THIS ACTUAL CHILD FOR – for false redemption, to psychologically cripple this child and rob them of a self, and to normalise the abusive bigger picture!
Hi Daniel
How do i know if im grieving or im just re experiencing trauma?
Thanks for your content
Hi P,
I would suggest journaling about this question to explore it better.
Daniel
Hi where can i get help for UC medical and mental therapy in nyc?
Hi RS. Sorry, I don’t have any suggestions about this…
Daniel
Are u able to eat a full diet? how did u survive this? I am struggling to let go of a stressful job and create a new life. Any suggestions? Please?
Yes, I presently am able to eat a full diet, and have been able to do so for the past 12 or 13 years. Suggestions? I’m not sure, all I know is what worked for me. A lot less stress! I’m wishing you the best, Daniel
Dear DM,
Can you please do a utube video on how you handled UC. I am really struggling as I feel that my life is over and i am trapped in a medical system which is keeping me imprisoned. I have a lot of pain and can only eat a handful of items. No one can help me and i fear the future. please. I can be reacher through my email as well. ty rs
Hello Rama,
Did you see this video of mine?
How I Healed from Ulcerative Colitis — A Public Service Announcement
https://youtu.be/P9brVhmWr2M
Daniel
Yes I saw your video many times. I am really suffering and losing faith. I wanted to travel and now this will never happen. the doctor is terrible and I have no support from family. I feel life is over and i fear the future.
pl tell me that the body heals if given the right conditions and time. i fell life is over for me and isolated. drugs dont seem to work.
Hi RS,
I know that given the right conditions and time my body did heal from ulcerative colitis. I hope the same is true for you too!
Daniel
Hi P,
The only way I found out the answer to this was my journaling about it a lot.
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
My question to you is that why your music is not on sound cloud app?
Hmm, I haven’t thought of it. Thanks for the idea. Daniel
Hi Daniel,
i listen to you from a little fisher town in Peru. Your videos and your existance makes helps me feel not alone i feel like you are my friend (i know its wierd bc you dont know me). i studied psychology (a teacher showed me your documentary since then i listen to you) and gone to a “therapy” with a lot of “professionals” from 5 to 18 years old i’ve been labeled with depresion, ocd and bpd. I have always felt weird and extrange since i was a child, like there was something very wrong in me.
During my career (and life) i disagreed with many things… I thought maybe i was just full of hate against psychologists (and society) but thanks to you I reasure myself that i was never wrong.
I was born in Lima and moved to Lobitos 3 years ago (when i splited from my mother) and have never been this happy… but im grieving so i have never been this miserable hahaha
Just wanted to thank you and let you know that you reach a lot of weird people in remote weird places of the world
Thanks Valu — gracias Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I recently watched several videos of Robert Sapolsky discussing determinism and free will. I’d like to know your thoughts on his views, especially regarding accountability and blame.
For many years, I felt quite deterministic. I would easily come up with reasons for my or any abusers’ behaviors, think that it was nobody’s fault, feel pain for the abuse victims, and feel helpless and trapped in this suffering life and suffering world. Then I came across your videos, in one of which you said that holding one’s abusers accountable, blaming them, and feeling anger towards them are important processes in healing. I’ve been working on those and still struggling to steadfastly side with the wounded child in me instead of the abusers. Then I encountered Robert Sapolsky’s arguments that counter all of that. His arguments seem to be strong. I feel ambivalent and exhausted.
I’d appreciate it if you could make a video on this.
Thank you!
Hi Daniel,
Could you please share your thoughts on BPD recovery and the DBT techniques of Dr. Linehan? I was diagnosed with PTSD, and have a similar background to yours, but also experience cycling depression every few weeks. I wonder whether it’s not a consequence of environment and poverty rather than a personality disorder. DBT seems to teach acceptance, which is great for people who can afford therapy, but if I accept my circumstances I won’t be able to buy groceries next week.
Hi Boo Radley,
Well, I did make a video critiquing borderline personality disorder: https://youtu.be/Pk8PRAKBEaQ
As for DBT, I really don’t know that much about it. I’ve heard both good and bad about it, but it never really called out to me…
Daniel
Hi daniel, have you ever considered making a criticism of selp help and personal development? because they obviously avoid talking about trauma and childhood history that determines the person’s adulthood, but rather they are highly optimistic about everything as if present is the only variable we should be looking for, the acontext mindset of selp help pisses me off, for the reason of their exploiting and ignoring the very thing we should have to understand, your content literally differs from them because youre not giving people grandiosity and an almost balance and psychologically sound thing of looking, understanding, and doing things
Hi Ralph,
Well, I certainly feel that if any self-help work doesn’t in some key way look at childhood history and childhood trauma, then it’s not going to be worth very much. I certainly wouldn’t support it!
Daniel
I would confidently say almost all of them are.
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you have any specific thoughts about artificial intelligence?
Hi Isaac,
Hmm…I’m really not sure. I have used Chat GPT from time to time and found it useful, but in a bigger sense I don’t have much of an opinion on AI. I’ll have to think about it!
all the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for answering my question.
I only bring it up because as I watched your video on what would happen if the human race decided to stop having children, especially when you begin to talk about the pain and consequences that would erupt if this happened, I started thinking about two of my favourite science fiction stories. ‘Detroit: Become Human’ a videogame developed by the studio Quantic Dream and ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ the novel by Phillip K Dick.
Now I don’t know if you are familiar with either of these stories, but If we are addicted to having children as you say, then people in this hypothetical world of no kids for 20 years would still find some way to have “children”. As you have said addicts often replace addictions with other milder addictions.
Firstly (discounting Sci-Fi) I believe that there would be a surge in the popularity of pet ownership as people would own multiple pets and become addicted to grooming and “raising” them as a substitute to having human children.
Secondly, if AI evolved far enough and we stopped having kids, I think people would come up with a way to artificially create a child as a substitute to the real thing. This is what these stories prophesy.
Humans have a desire to procreate, to pass on, to leave a legacy of some kind. Depending on how far AI is able to evolve, forget build a bear! People will be able to build a ‘child’ in a workshop and make it exactly as they desired.
With gratitude
Isaac
Hello Daniel,
I found your videos around a year ago and they have helped me a lot. I struggle with severe social anxiety and I can barely talk to people. I’ve been in therapy off and on, but I deal with an considerable amount of regret for missing out on doing things as a younger person. I come from a small town where there are virtually no clubs or groups to join. I am nearly 27 now and I have spent most of my life in my room. Is there anything you can recommend for dealing with regret about missing out on things?
Once again, thank you so much for your videos,
Brittany
Hi Brittany,
Greetings! Well, back in 2019 I did make a video on dealing with regrets: https://youtu.be/I2R4IIJ2KBs
It’s short and I haven’t watched it since I put it up, but maybe it will be useful to you — I hope!
All the best,
Daniel
Hey man
Just wanted to say thank you for recording videos and uploading them on youtube. Your kindness can this way reach many people who are in a dark place (like me) and provide them guidance. Just listening to your thoughts on psychology points me in the right direction and it’s good to have you as a role model that got out of difficult place.
Things you said about distancing from your family and people who hurt you made me realise I’m in very similar positiion myself. Also comments about realising and admiting to yourself that you’re not truly psychologicaĺy grown are a really great first step on a long journey to heal yourself.
I hope life treats you well and that your days are now full of joy and peace.
All the best
Peter
Thank you Peter!
Daniel
Hi, can you recommend valid books on the topic of psychology/psychiatry , or perhaps authors
Hi Beatrice,
Here are some: https://wildtruth.net/some-book-recommendations-psychology-and-more/
All the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel I was wondering about your thoughts on dbt treatment ? I was wondering what your thoughts on or opinions of the withdrawal of warmth technique were ? I’m curious about your opinion on this cause of the wide use of this method and the therapist withdrawal of warmth technique to a patient who is suicidal or has self harmed? maybe you could even do a video on this I think it’s abuse by a therapist. I would love to hear your opinion on this it makes me angry that therapists use such a thing on victims of trauma.
Hi Judy,
I don’t have a strong opinion on DBT, though what I do know I feel mixed about, as I’ve heard mixed things from people who have gone through it. Some said they liked it, others didn’t. I never heard of warmth technique, though…
I send you greetings-
Daniel
Thank you Daniel so much. I have one very important question for you. What do you think about a therapist lieing to there patients? How would you end therapy if your therapist lied to you and you caught them? I’m glad that there are honest therapist like you and I love your videos you really get us and that’s hard to find. my fav is the psychiatrist in 10 min it’s so true. I’m from Canada and I’ve shared your videos so much with friends and family
Erg — when therapists lie it isn’t a good thing!!! I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with them…
Daniel
It’s called met therapyy or motivational enhancement therapy when a therapist goes along with the client or lies to them about agreeing with them to stay in therapy it’s pre cbt or dbt. The withdrawal of warmth technique makes me puke it’s when a therapist gives love and affection when a client is good and takes it away when they are bad it’s abuse i dont know how these are allowed and used in hospital settings. If someone is honest with me and actually listenis to what is bothering me they wouldn’t need these therapies I caught on to and confronted the therapist about and he admitted to using them and his response was your smarter than I thought . maybe you could make a video warning clients to watch out for therapy techniques that will hurt them like the people that abused them. why do they want to keep people hooked in the system? Im 45 and just entered the system it’s horrible in Canada they take away people’s clothes and underwear and leave them in a gown for two weeks or locked them in a room for up to a month with no privacy and give them meds is the United States like this?
Hi, any good books on internet addiction, consequences and treatment?
None that I know of… Maybe others know of some…
Daniel
Dopamine Nation by Ann Lemke might be helpful. There’s a documentary about technology, but I can’t remember the name at the moment. Jaron Lanier may be another good resource. I believe he’s written at least one book and he has done many, many interviews on the impact of social media on people’s lives.
Hello Daniel, I could really use some advice. I’ve been having a tough time lately after opening up about my trauma too soon, which made my addiction go through the roof. I was forced into pursuing a medicine program. I want to switch my major to architecture, which is my real passion, but my family is making it really difficult for me. and I’m trying to keep up with everything since I’m working on applying to a university abroad. But now I’m feeling totally burned out.
Hi Ali,
I’m not sure what to say. I hope, though, that you are able to follow your dreams. Maybe others have suggestions here…
Daniel
Hi Daniel, what do you think of veganism? I think it’s one of things that would influence the choice of a therapist, the diet has a lot to do on how you treat the vulnerable ones.
Hi Daniel,
Just wanted to say thank you for putting your truth out into the world. I am very glad it somehow found me. It is really helping me to become a psychotherapist and get much deeper into self-healing a living a full life. When I see to come across in a theme in life I am working through, there always happens to be a video you have made on the subject that gives that validates my thoughts and pushes me forward just that extra bit.
Regards,
Jonathan
You’re welcome!!
Hi Daniel,
I just discovered your YouTube Channel, and I am loving so many of the videos on psychotherapy. I was wondering, do you have any referrals for psychotherapists livingand working in the state of New Jersey?
Hi John,
Unfortunately I don’t have such a referral. I used to be in the loop in this world, but nowadays I’m out of the loop…
I’m wishing you the best, though!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
In your video “What Does It Mean to be an Adult”, you say that the best way to be an adult is to be the emotionally mature adult who continues to heal their own traumas, rather than simulating a functioning member of society. You mentioned signifiers of a functioning member of society in society’s eyes include having a formal job, having a partner, getting married, having children, having a car, having a house, etc.
However, in your video “Parents Who Disinherit Their Children — An Analysis and some Personal Experience”, you consider it neither disrespectful nor unfair for parents to disinherit their children, if the children don’t “do anything to actually behave like an adult or participate in adulthood” or are “dysfunctional member[s] of society”.
These two messages seem conflicting to me. In the second video, you seem to say, especially given your tone, that children deserve their parents’ love and money, if they act “like an adult”, i.e., simulate a functioning member of society, even if they are not doing any healing work. This appears to suggest that displaying societal signs of adulthood is necessary, which conflicts with your messages in the first video. There, you seem to say that conforming to societal norms of being an adult is not only unnecessary but “sometimes just plain wrong” and that it is more important to do inner healing which would then enable oneself to function better but not necessarily in a way that conforms to societal norms.
I could have misunderstood your messages. By “do anything to actually behave like an adult or participate in adulthood” in the second video, do you mean doing inner healing work and taking care of oneself, or displaying signs of being an adult in the eyes of society, or either of both?
Thank you.
Hi B.,
I’m not sure what to say. I haven’t watched those videos in a long time and can’t remember what I specifically said. Perhaps there were some inconsistencies — or perhaps not?
I’ve leave it for others to assess….
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I’m very happy to have found you about a year ago on YouTube. You’re one of the few genuinely authentic people on the internet. Some time ago, I rediscovered the topic of MBTI, which you’re probably familiar with. It is considered pseudoscience within the realm of conventional psychology, even though psychology itself is sometimes considered a pseudoscience within the realm of conventional medical sciences. Still, I looked into it again and researched it, and it gave me an “aha” moment that helped me understand myself better than ever.
Funnily enough, even after analyzing my childhood trauma through the childhood traumas of my parents, this very thing helped me to accept and understand myself more than other psychological information I’ve learned. It also helped me understand and accept my spouse.
Since my earliest childhood I constantly feel like I don’t belong in any group I’ve tried to be a part of. I tested as an INFJ many times, and this type is characterized as introverted and intuitive to the point of not fitting into society and constantly having to pretend to be someone else just to be somewhat accepted. After everything I’ve read about this type, and analyzing myself using this new knowledge, I then started to implement this information to analyze other people. I think you might be another genuine INFJ. I thought you might be interested in this topic, especially the aspect of intuition vs. sensing.
Best regards,
Kate
Hi Kate,
I know very little about psychological testing, including the MBTI. A lot of people over the years have commented that I might be an INFJ, but somehow I was never much called to look so deeply into psychological testing, because perhaps I’ve had so many negative experiences with testing in the school system when I was younger… But that’s not to say the MBTI is not valid. Maybe it really holds a lot of value! I just don’t know.
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
P.S. I did make a video on the subject of introversion vs. extroversion. Maybe you’ll find it relevant? https://youtu.be/elpanVfDQtg
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for sharing your insights with the world. Your videos have been a light in my life, helping me clarify my thoughts and heal from my traumas.
However, I recently came across several points in your earlier videos that I can’t stop thinking about. I wonder if you have had further thoughts on these subjects since posting those videos. Could you clarify and help me understand what you mean?
One point is that, in your video “What Do Children Owe Their Parents?”, you seemed to have said that parents give the gift of life to their children.
In my culture, and perhaps many cultures, a gift is never free and is always expected to be repaid to the gift giver in some way. So, if it were true that parents give the gift of life to their children, then why wouldn’t children owe their parents? That the gift/debt of life would be too great to ever be fully repaid by the children would not negate that the children owe their parents, if it were true that parents give the gift of life to their children, right?
But, how could life be a gift, if so many lives suffered and are suffering tremendously? For example, how is life a gift to children who suffer tremendously from physical illnesses and die before they could even begin to heal their traumas? How could life be a gift to children who were born in war zones and were horrified, tortured and murdered in wars? How is life a gift to non-human animals that are preyed upon, eaten alive, raped, sick, abandoned, ostracized, or tortured in the wild? Just because some people could be privileged enough to have certain biological, psychological, social, financial circumstances that allow them to live a life that they think is not too bad or even good, doesn’t mean that life itself is a gift, right?
I agree with everything else you said in the video, and I think every existing adult person has a responsibility to help the life, the mind and the body, that they’ve been forced into inhabiting to be the most healed and healthy that they can be with the circumstances that they are in.
But do you think that life is a gift and that parents give the gift of life to children by bringing them into existence? I’ve also seen a few comments against the beliefs that “life is a gift” and of “parents give the children the gift of life” in the comment section of your video “The Irrational Defenses of Bad Parents — And Sadly, They Are Common” and would really like to know your thoughts on this.
Thank you!
Hi B,
I have a few thoughts on what you wrote. You said: “In my culture, and perhaps many cultures, a gift is never free”
I think the gift of life — that is, a parent creating a child, is an absolutely free gift. The child owes the parent nothing. On the contrary, the parent owes the child a lot — many years of consistent nurturing.
And if the parents don’t or can’t give this nurturing in a consistent way for years (or decades), then they never should have created a life in the first place. They just weren’t ready — and that gift of life really can be a curse. The curse of a hellish existence-to-be…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I wrote a slightly longer comment, but during posting it was blocked and I was unable to recover the text.
More shortly, I have just seen your video “How Do I Get Out of an Impossible Situation,” and I have a friend who seems to be in one of those situations. However, due to intense trauma, with seemingly endless unconscious coping, and her proximity and dependence psychologically on her biggest abuser(s), she is unable maybe even to admit to herself how troubled her situation is, or if she gets to that, too hopeless, dismissive, or unwilling to even approach the possibility of liberation.
She can sometimes accept the process of “healing,” but may have a warped and belittled conception of what it is, its deeper power, with unfortunately such a traumatic upbringing with such troubled and abusive peers. There are things in her life she could be doing right now to help begin (like becoming more independent of her abusers), but she is unwilling or unable to really explore the subject. It is very troubling to see her in such a confused, helpless state, and to know that continually she may be squashed down by her overshadowing abuser, and also that the institutions that diagnosed and are “treating” her seem not to be helping her with overall direction in all of this.
It is considerably adding even to my own suffering/grief to be conscious of her “rolling back” to a more “dissociated” life. In some moments she desperately wants healing and can discuss it, but the next day whatever energy was there is simply not; she is back on “autopilot,” and sometimes totally rejects and distances it, saying things like “I feel fine, nothing’s wrong” (which may be due to pharmaceuticals or other drugs).
Do you have any thoughts or advice on offering support in the best way for a person in such a situation? I sense an incredibly strong and deep wish to help, but due to these various dynamics it’s difficult to find a right relationship to truly be a support which she is capable of accepting seriously.
It’s a busy world, and I appreciate you reading. If you can’t reply, or can only offer a short acknowledgement, that is fine. I appreciate any consideration of this. If you’d like to reply by email, for more privacy and depth, that is your choice and I hope you can see my address. I deeply appreciate your energy and outlook on things, and I am soberly curious what you would think of this situation.
There are more details not possible to convey here, if they will inform a response you want to make. You are a light to the world, thank you for doing what you do.
Serendipity wished for all,
Levi
HI Daniel,
I hope you are well.
I have recently discovered that I was my families scapegoat. I was wondering how much it would take for me to get over it. I was doing my best with counselling yet the local authorities got involved with them and put into horrible situations that I’m still recovering from.
If you would help me that would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards,
Joanne.
Hi Daniel,
I’m sensing that some therapists coddle their clients. I understand that we need to meet people where they are. At some point, though, gentle nudging helps. If I can be more specific, people who grew up coddled seem to coddle their clients. I am only basing this on the few therapists I know, and the limited things they mention about their practice. What training do therapists receive to ensure that their own limitations don’t get in the way of their clients’ healing?
hei daniel, could you a critique of Quantum Psychology? thank you and good night (19:40, Italy)
Hi Beatrice,
I really don’t know much about it! But I could look into it…
Daniel
Great new video Daniel!
Hi Daniel,
Would you be able to a deep dive into neglect/abandonment and healing from it? I feel like those with original childhood wounds of more overt neglect and those with original childhood wounds of more overt exploitation live life very differently, stuck in different cycles. It’s like those who deeply fear neglect the most would rather be exploited or engage in mutually exploitation rather than be neglected, which has all kinds of implications on what it means to be even able to grow. Meanwhile, those who deeply fear exploitation the most would rather be neglected or mutually ‘neglectful’ rather than be exploited, which has other implications… and seems like a healthier route towards growth. And of course, people likely have a mix of both dynamics. Perhaps I’m constructing a false dichotomy but it feels interesting and right to explore things like this for me currently.
Thank you so much.
— Mary
For example, grieving neglect/abandonment wounds can be life giving, but I find for me that often it accompanies absolute terror, and weird overwhelming bouts of paranoia, catastrophisation, and hypochondria. All due to the realisation that I am by myself now, and any out of the blue disaster can wipe me off the face of the earth as no one is a safety net. Can neglect truly be healed on one’s own?
One last thing. Neglect is clearly a problem in this sick world, and it’s not even seen as a severe problem.
Look at all the waste we create. Is that not creating something, not using it to its full potential, and throwing it away so it can destroy the environment? And how callous are we with all our waste? Often, it’s not seen as much of a problem. So much food thrown away. So many things we painstakingly created all just to be thrown away, for not much of a reason at all, into giant towers of garbage in the middle of the Pacific. We treat the children we painstakingly harboured in our wombs the same – as objects to be used and discarded and then off to float away as garbage that poisons the environment. No wonder humanity, as you say, is a sociopath. We do all the things that create sociopaths.
Hi Mary,
Thanks for bringing this up. I have made at least one video on neglect already, but I haven’t watched it in a while so I can’t remember if it exactly touches any of the points you bring up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsxdfJfLEgQ
I’d be curious to know what you think. Meanwhile, thank you for the new ideas!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I watched the video and I find that I really do resonate with pretty much all of it. Something that really rung true was the part where you said those who are neglected often lack empathy for children and are unable to grieve. That used to be me. I’m still chipping away at it. Please read all of the below, if you have the time or interest, as data! Not anything else! I think it might be really useful data.
In a way, my brother and I are polar opposites for neglect and exploitation – I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty long-winding details of it all, but essentially, my brother naturally embodies everything you talk about (and he has never been interested in all this stuff that I am interested in, he has never heard of you). He is a gentle soul who is finally spreading his wings nowadays beyond the family, after being so criticised and exploited by an abusive father. He seeks respite in “neglect”, because he has been exploited so much, and he prayed as a kid to be an orphan with no fear or guilt (we talk a lot about this stuff with my initiation) – he psychologically protected and loved his inner child from the start, but he developed sensory issues and such since he needed to block out the world and turn inwards into his rich inner life.
I am the second child, the youngest. Essentially, my mother had me due to her guilt and shame around failing my brother – she “cried when she saw how lonely my brother was playing all by himself, spaced out.” As a baby I was promptly neglected and terrified and stressed out and on the sidelines of a chaotic family that revolved around either abusing (my unemployed depressed deadbeat father) or defending/supporting (my sole breadwinner BUT ALSO child rearer and housewife mother) my brother. In all my catatonic fear of neglect, all my life I have presented myself for different manners of exploitation, mutual exploitation as well, so that I can prove that people need me and thus can love me. I find SAFETY and WORTH and even intoxicating power trips in being exploited and exploiting my parents in all manners of ways, in stabilising the chaotic family as a result. My brother finds safety in being neglected. Because we ultimately had originally been subject to the opposite. It’s like we have fundamentally different ORIENTATIONS of life, infused and entrenched into our core beings as if it’s so default we think everybody else is the same as us and we have no idea others are different at this level. It’s strange. I’ve even said to him, very brutally honest, that I can’t help but see myself and other people as all potential “meatshields” to me, so it doesn’t matter how shitty they are, at least they are there. I said that in response to him saying that he thinks that all people are “cubbyholes” – people you can potentially hide in, but no one is as trustworthy as the “cubbyhole” that is yourself, so you can only trust and hide in yourself. He is directed towards a goal of safety in a place I find to be neglect, and I am directed towards a goal of safety in a place he finds to be mutual exploitation and forever just a game of conflicts and control. Which is true. I’ll explain below.
To put it simply, fearing neglect and thus normalising exploitation transmogrified me. Sure, I was proud to be therapist, parent, mediator, regulator, manipulator, protector. But this hypervigilance, this total attunement with adults’ darkest truest intentions and NEEDS, and thus being able to manipulate them, totally opposite of my brother’s emotionally slow shut down styles, screwed me up majorly. I learned of dominance, control, weird sexual boundaries, the power of weaponising the role of being a little girl against my father, rage, sexual paranoias, darkness, hypervigilant monitoring and subtle moderation of everyone around me, essentially I was incapable of play or innocence as a kid. I still am. I was just very dissociated, and I wanted to be, because I was just so neglected. My brother ran from the fray to safety. I ran into the fray to safety. I am his opposite, in many ways. We grew into who we were so differently because that was who we had to become to equilibrate, stabilise, the family dynamic, to survive. We were all playing our parts. In fact, in some ways, my brother’s relationship with me is symbiotic.
Because funnily enough, my mother had me also to be my brother’s protector and social companion. My mother thought he needed one because he was not very sensitive to others’ emotional and social cues as a kid, he had sensory issues, because he blocked out the scary world, especially potentially scary people. We had a symbiotic relationship because I was his emotional protector – my mother praised me to be a “spiritual talisman” to my pride/confusion as a little kid, which is so fucked up, but from this standpoint I get why, even though it’s fucked up. Yet simultaneously I was incapable of play, daydreaming, I was empty and had no inner world. I literally still cannot daydream or ‘play’ for real without anticipation for an audience/others’ perception of me. It’s not cognitively possible for me because I am too mired in games of faithlessness and exposure to adult helplessness and dreamlessness… and neglect. So I loved my brother for being the only one who made me the second main character of all his games and stories, and he was my only safe person, he was the vicarious innocence and play I longed for but couldn’t do for myself. He was safe because he feared exploitation so much he would rather neglect me and himself if it came down to it – so I knew, unlike my parents, that he would never exploit me, and I could also escape neglect with him. And I protected him by regulating and being the only one capable of emotionally disarming my father (by using my role as daughter and little girl), and was his social companion and his social aid, though I didn’t know it then, because I just loved the gentle safe light that was my brother so much and I was so neglected I needed someone too.
I do think there is hope for severely neglected children. There has to be. There has to be. One clue for me, is that, after a wild inversion of our family roles, wherein my brother for the first time ever was TEXTING ME during a mental breakdown of mine (I had broken down because I was again relaying something between him and my father, and it was getting so stressful when he too dismissed me to protect himself and I genuinely had my abandonment wounds flare up in the most awful ruptured out of the blue ways, but INSTEAD I told myself no abandon everyone, leave the home, let everything you have built burn and fall apart like it should have always needed to). He texted verbatim – “Mary our mental health is linked both ways, don’t make me cry pls, if ur gonna leave randomly u can tell me and say hey don’t tell dad. You realise you are inextricably linked to me, as little kids you were my only companion – so don’t do this shit to me. If you wanna talk, I can tell you about a time in my life – when I was 18 I went thru something similar.” It was me “acting out”, but that made me learn something about myself and the family dynamics that essentially arrived me at all my realisations now – that what I thought I was doing to win love I thought I was undeserving of, since I needed to compensate and contribute for being so “unabused” and on the sidelines unlike my brother, was actually exactly what my parents were using me for. They set me up! They were never capable of loving me, and they HAD NEVER LOVED ME, EVER, IN THE FIRST PLACE, for “not abusing me”. They set me up. They groomed me to exploit me.
I see now that it was actually my inherent goodness and love and gentleness and smarts being squeezed out and twisted, wrung out and used for the worse, which twisted ME over time, as it had essentially robbed me of all innocence and true childhood and play, ever since I was a baby. Of which I need to heal now. My god, looking back, I was so narcissistic and selfish and fake and needy, and I had no idea. Sometimes dread would push onto me as various things began to put pressure on and crack my false self… until now where it’s me trying with exertion to break it all down myself. But I think what really helped me was this baseline spark of health and love and self-compassion that somehow remained alive as a throughline of truth within my fucked up family of origin – I think it came from my mother’s constant open admission of guilt and truth – that sure, she twisted and weaponised against me, but also… really helped and saved my brother’s sanity, and taught us (though to a limited extent) what is truly right and what is truly wrong. Do I forgive her? Hell no. She destroyed me. I had been destroyed by her absolute callousness and inability to love me and total bulldozing over all my boundaries. We should’ve never had those parents at all. They should’ve never had children. But I see the healthy fundamental thing that saved me – which was truth, and it doesn’t matter who shared it first, truth was there to guide me, when I had hid from it for my entire life and hadn’t known I was doing so.
I think maybe I can try to learn from how my brother was when he was a kid. To not necessarily seek safety in desperate mutual exploitation of others as ‘meatshields’, but to seek safety in the most trustworthy little ‘cubbyhole’ that is myself, that hides away from others when necessary. To finally begin to grow, and experiment, and feel safe there, to play for the first time and grow my own joy and light again. To learn that this is NOT unsafe, and exploitation is actually NOT safe. Because I’ve never really learnt that, psychologically/emotionally. I’ve always felt compelled to present everything to the world, to the public, to my parents, to be seen and heard and thus not neglected, like a hopeful little kid that shows a drawing to their parents. It’s funny too, I have always had this vague audience I perform to in my inner monologue. Now I think I know why. I’m just a hopeful neglected little kid trying to show off her drawings, her thoughts and feelings, in her own head, preparing it and synthesising it and filtering it in ways that she hopes one day will be digestible and likeable in the real world so nobody will leave her. It’s both helpful and just not very helpful at all. Neglect runs deep, even in the most fundamental premises of my inner voice. Maybe one day I’ll be able to find a dynamic stable balance between neglect and exploitation. But one day at a time. And I’m learning from myself, my own intuition, but also from other people, my brother, you, learning different ideas. And I think that’s beautiful as well. So thank you, thank you for your empathy that is infused in all your ideas and videos. Thank you for being you and loving yourself and being yourself and protecting yourself, especially from people who might otherwise be exactly like me. I find that that’s actually really helpful too to the person who you are protecting yourself from, because they actually learn what is and isn’t okay, and you’re modelling how to love oneself and not betray oneself, which is exactly what many of us need. It makes me realise things, especially about what I too can take on for myself to love myself better. A determined decision to not “save” people with neglect wounds is actually often the most empathetic, helpful thing you can do, because we need to learn how to be self-loving, self-reliant, and safe there, for which we directly learn from first off by realising that like you, it’s okay for us to no longer “save” people as well. So thank you. I’m sorry about the huge novel. I hope it gives you data though!
— Mary
Also – I think healing from neglect by learning to play and live and grow and hide and find safety within the small “cubbyhole” that is oneself, thus reversing what we originally found was dangerous/safe – will NATURALLY make one open up to people in more boundaried healthy ways. It will naturally make us seek better people to be friends with. It will naturally grow our independence, and appreciate the independence of others, and have good kind gentle friends! Opposite to what we knew before. But it’s all about removing and grieving all the obstructions to the psychological permission we give ourselves to just thrive in that “cubbyhole”. :)!!!!
And obviously I’m still working to get there – I still have paranoia and catastrophisation and all kinds of things when I grieve and really realise I’m on my own. But perhaps it’s a matter of balance? Of grieving, and then finally trying to feel safe in oneself, and thus seeing how the world and other people hold you in that vulnerability, which is that “external other/witness” which might be necessary. Perhaps healing is this slow vacillation between slowly feeling safer within oneself, and thus corresponding to that, slowly seeing the world at large in its real vulnerability mirroring you back and holding you. Because the more vulnerable you get, the more just in your day to day life, the special people you meet just out there with their radars on the same wavelength will agree to meet you at a more authentic level. This breaks the spikes of fears and limitations of just being by yourself against the chaos of the world, until it really feels safe to be back in oneself? I’m intellectualising right now. But maybe that’s really it. And it’s intuitive! So wait, it all makes sense now! Daniel, your ideas make sense. Of course they do.
Hey danial, I hope you’re doing okay. I like your album. My favorite one was how long can I deny my artistic side?
Keep being awesome
Thanks Rosie 🙂
Daniel
Hi,
I’m taking a class called Theories of Personality. We’re discussing observational learning proposed by Bandura. One of the questions we were asked is, “Where do our models begin and end”. Of course this got me thinking about self and individuality, which led me to think about you.
Do you think we have an essence or a self? Is the human experience just a shared collection of memories, ideas and beliefs? Is creativity just a recombination of these things? It feels like a double-edged sword. On one side we are relieved of the burden of individuality but on the other side it feels like a loss. Maybe it doesn’t even matter and i should just go back to distracting myself with something pleasant.
I’d be interested in knowing your thoughts and feelings on this, if you have time and care to share those.
I like your question and would like to hear Daniel’s point of view.. From my perspective it is both/and .
Hi Daniel,
Ever since i’ve started to study, and on occasion successfully grief, parts of my past, more and more bits and fragments of memories come up for me. i know this is expected but especially recently almost every day there are moments here and there where memory fragments “pop up”. many things remind me of past occasions or feelings. On the one hand it is nice to gain access to my memories but on the other i feel and almost worry that i’m living “too much in the past”. so many memory pieces, splinters and crumbs that i start to wonder if this will always be like that? or is it more the “novelty” for my core and consciousness of having my dam of dissociation slowly opening up the waters of my history?
is it normal?
Hello Daniel,
I hope you are doing well. I have a question about childhood trauma. But first, I would like to explain my situation a bit. I will have to cut this down unfortunately, it is pretty much my life story after all. So I am 19 and two and a half years I got really depressed. There was a straining event, but the depression was far too server, and I did not understand what was happening. This went on for half a year, and day by day it got worse and worse. It started as some very extreme mood swings, but after some time I was depressed the whole time. Some external factors made it worse, like final exams and bad treatment from the “friends” I had at the time. It got unbearable, and I was feeling that I was losing control and was going to die if I didn’t change anything, so I went to a psychiatrist and got put on meds. The meds were horrible, and I had every side effect, but it made me feel nothing so I had some peace. I still did not understand why I was feeling this way, until I talked with my mom, and she kind of reminded me that many bad things happened to me as a child. Leading up to that, it was completely blocked out of my mind, which is pretty crazy.
So now I knew what was happening, and also realized some time after that, that the meds would never solve the root of the problem. I started to really work on myself and thought a lot about me and my situation. I started to stop bad habits, like listening to sad music and being in self-pity and other bad stuff. I was also bullied at school and never was able to form any real friendships, and I also thought about that a lot. There was a lot of other stuff I did as well, but I’m afraid I cannot explain everything, as it would take too long. After one year of the depression, I realized that I was feeling better, more balanced and at peace. During that time the side effects of the meds were getting really bad, and I was in bad physical health, so I stopped taking them. After that, I was really happy. Even on the meds, I was feeling wonderful, but after a few months of that (I was still working on myself a lot) I realized that I never really worked through the problem of my childhood.
At that point, I decided to willingly confront my biggest problems, even though it meant that I was no longer going to feel so good and be so happy, because I was facing some serious stuff. That was almost a year ago now, and I am still on that path. Through dreams and other methods, I figured out a lot of problems that might stem from my childhood. For example, I struggle to form romantic relationships, because I don’t believe that someone would like me even if the signs are obvious. Or I do not like to be touched by my mother or anyone at all. I still have a lot of work to do, and it will take me my whole life I imagine, but I have a problem, and now FINALLY I would like to ask my question 😀
I do not remember anything that happened to me. I know my father was an alcoholic and that I was abused emotionally and physically, but I do not remember the events. The way I tackled my school bullying situation, is that I thought of the key moments and how they influenced my person over the years. But I cannot remember anything from my childhood, and I was wondering if you knew any methods to gain access to these lost memories. I am trying it through lucid dreaming, but wasn’t successful yet, even though I know that I will be in the future. But are there better ways? Or should I even try to relive my traumas?
As I said, I left a lot out, but I hope this is enough to kind of understand where I am coming from. Thank you for reading! 🙂
R
Great Album!!! Can’t stop listening it. Thank You for sharing it for free.
You’re welcome! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I would just like to state some of my “wild truth” here.
I am a 21 y/o second-generation Indian in the US, born to highly traumatized Indian parents. I have decided to break up with them, when it is financially safe for me to do so.
I just want to say- thank you. From the bottom of my heart- thank you. I made this decision a year ago, during which I decided to stay on campus at my college for the first time during a holiday break. But I’ve been making this decision in iterations since high school. Watching your videos offered me so much catharsis because it offered me one of the only sources of confirmation of my beliefs that I’ve ever received. Since discovering your videos, my shaky desire to distance myself from them became an increasingly firm choice.
I have just ordered your book, after an extremely difficult day. But I started reading a preview online. Already, I see parallels between your story and mine.
What is most difficult for me currently are 2 things.
First, just like you described, I am also dealing with physical health issues which are largely inexplicable. I am 21 years old and I have chronic fatigue, and it is extremely debilitating. I have seen two doctors now whose guidance I haven’t emotionally or mentally connected with, and after reading what you wrote about your headaches I believe my fatigue may be a result of how tired I feel emotionally after having been traumatized and how I continue to be traumatized and have to act and lie to my parents in order to survive.
Secondly, I have little issue with running back to my parents emotionally, although that does come up when I am with them sometimes because I’m human and still very unhealed, but for three years now I have a habit of running to my ex who I broke up with and want to stay broken up with consciously. I simply do not have the emotional resources to be an independent person, at the moment. I do not know how to be a consistent, loving parent toward myself. Today, after contacting my ex and contacting another man I consciously want to be no contact with, I have become horrifyingly aware that this behavior of mine is me looking for a parent. And how to take care of myself, how to integrate triggering situations, how to be emotionally consistent and dependable for myself- I do not know.
But for today, I have found some respite in your words and work, and one thing is for sure: I am on the right path. I don’t know how much healing I’ll be able to do in a lifetime, but I will keep fighting for my life every day, because I am worth it.
I want to be a therapist as well, and I am a musician too. One thing that does eat at me is the feeling of using my parents currently for their money, but I have reasoned that it is not immoral. My parents are paying for my life willingly, and if one day they decide not to, I will live with the consequences. But for now, they are giving, and I am taking, till I don’t need to take anymore. No one would blame the wife of an abusive husband for taking her time to work toward getting out of the situation till it is safe to do so. She is a victim of abuse, and the regular rules of morality don’t apply. She is fighting for her life, and I am doing the same. Additionally, she would probably have more support from family, friends, and society, in order to help her leave. At the moment, I am saving money from a part time job, but I do not have a strong support network and leaving my family system would leave me with nowhere to go.
But I would love to hear if you have any thoughts on being financially tied to abusive parents as an adult, and the moral implications of this. I feel like I have not fully resolved this for myself.
Thank your reading- will sleep now. Much love. I am sure your book will be a pillar on my journey to come. You did the right thing, and I am doing it as well.
Hello Daniel. I was wondering: as someone who is skeptic all about what passes for technological “progress” vs “disruption”, and as someone almost the same age as you, (in other words someone who grew up mostly pre-digital), would your words have reached as far, or less far? Does your voice become yet another amongst the masses? Just another YouTuber? How would/could you have proceeded if said technologies were not available? Is it a double edged sword or does a double edged sword make both sides more dull? Thanks again for your work. It has reached someone, yet, given said technological capabilities, does that mean more, less, or nothing at all!?
Hi Daniel, just passing by to say thank you for all the effort on healing people’s traumas, i’ve wish you were my therapist you do a great work on authentically caring about people and their pain.
I recently saw your video on autism and childhood trauma and it made me consider the idea that the link between being labeled as autistic and childhood trauma is very real, i was diagnosed with autism but because i was desperetely looking for a diagnosis because i didn’t know what was happening to me, i lacked a lot of cognitive and social abilities througout my life, like not comprehending a text and having to read again and again and just understanding a very little part of the text, or lacking empathy sometimes not because i don’t feel the other’s emotions but not knowing how to help or identify those emotions, and making sense of it, but most of this lacking i resonate better with is the lack of abstract thinking, i was always bad at math, history, lecture comprehension, and problem solving by myself, always felt like in a deep limbo where i didn’t even knew how other children thought and resolved things by themselves, my question is, i got a little bit better at math and mental calculation by training, but i still struggle with reading and understanding texts, understanding people, reading spaces and so on, i realised that sometimes i understand things too literal like spiritual ideas, metaphors or analogies, and sometimes i can’t even figure out what they mean, also have some sort of disorganized thinking.
My question is, do you believe it is possible to develop this cognitive abilities by healing childhood trauma? i had issues in my childhood with my mom and of being neglect and abusive about my own capacities and making me feel like i was a useless human being, would it be possible that by healing trauma i can be a “normal” thinker and resolve problems by myself? I feel like i’m in a spiral right now and even wanting to kill myself because of this, i want to study psychology to become a really good at understanding and helping people heal their traumas like you, i care about people’s suffering, but i’m afraid that i will never be able to do that because of my “dissabilities”, even sometimes i think that i’m going crazy or something, i don’t know, just want to know what are your thoughts about this situation, if there is hope for me to be the person i want.
Sorry for my bad English,
Once again, i love and admire your work, you’re an angel on this world of suffering.
-Oscar
Hi Oscar,
Greetings! You asked: “Do you believe it is possible to develop this cognitive abilities by healing childhood trauma?” I would have to say yes. I think healing childhood trauma can, at least in some cases I’ve seen, free the up the mind in all sorts of ways, making it much easier for at least some people to learn things where they were otherwise blocked. So in that way I would have hope in your situation. All the best, Daniel
What is the title of that youtube Oscar?
Daniel is indeed precious.
Suggest you read “Nobody Nowhere” by Donna Williams.
Thank you David for your wisdom and your brave honesty. You are a joy to listen to, as you are so on the freakin track of deep inner healing!!! There have been a few on line folks that have really helped me make my way through my lifetime of nightmarish inner trauma, Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk, Professor Sam Vaknin and yourself. Go David go!!!! Patriciax
Thank you
Hi Daniel, I have been watching your YouTube video on self therapy lately, they are really helping me to regulate myself and make sense of the world around. In the videos, you have emphasized a lot on doing journaling, I tried doing it, but I don’t know why I found it very hard to journal, especially writing everday. Is there any alternative to journaling or any how one make journaling their habit?
I am not Daniel, however reading your comment compelled me to respond. Journaling is a habit that I developed about 15 years ago. It really was extremely difficult to get into it. Now I can’t really begin my day until I’ve done some journaling. Highly recommend slogging through the initial phase of resistance.
When writing is difficult use pictures. Get old magazines, calendars, advertisements and books. Cut pictures that speak to you and make a collage. Cut cereal boxes. They are sturdy and hold images well. Make a world of feelings and past experiences. Also make a new world. The new world can be of good experiences, good people and good things. The new world can have inspirational quotes. You can Google them. Then hold these two and contemplate on them. Do this repeatedly. Have many of them. Go out and take pictures of beautiful places, flowers, water, people, etc. to glue on your new world. Always hold both and observe until eventually your mind will pick the new world. Keep repeating. Healing is within you.
Hello Daniel. I just realised I can comment on the welcome page. I’m a big fan of many of your videos. I very much liked your most recent video about trusting oneself, and how that can even be frightening, seeing things for what they are.
Thank you Aris
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I’ve written here before. I’ve watched almost all your videos, read your blog posts and I haven’t found anything on:
-Comparing yourself to others. Is this a human condition or result of a childhood trauma? Would be an interesting topic
-Feelings of inadequacy/insecurities, always feeling like you’re not good enough in some areas of life/relationship. In my experience feelings of inadequacies can completely overwhelem me to a point where I can’t sleep and stop thinking about different scenarios. I think it steems from fear actually, fear of abandonment. Bc we were not good enough as children to be accepted we fear being not good enough and abandoned again.
Maybe these two topics are also somehow related, we feel insecure and not good enough because we compare to others. I’ve heared people say its human to compare yourself to others and that we all do it but I don’t buy it. Would love to get your thoughts on this.
With love, Jean
Thank you Jean, I appreciate the ideas and I will add them to my list of possible new videos to make!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
Something that i thought about recently that feels almost impossible to talk about with people and i don’t think you have ever made a video about it explicitly, though did touch it a bit throughout some. A lot of people get pets and mainly cats or dogs. i start to feel and think that the vast majority of people get or adopt\save pets purely out of boredom or loneliness or lack of meaning. Similar to a good portion of parents and their children but maybe a bit more widespread(?).
Like to the level that if i’m not exercising enough some people suggest “get a dog: which will make me to walk him. if i’m depressed then i’m suggested to adopt a cat or a dog “to love” which will give some meaning to my life. And then so many people, out of necessity, go to work and their pet is stuck alone in an apartment or a house. Barely anyone actually thinks about pets as a commitment to love and care for a living creature that needs nourishment and love. Also, many people enjoy the power and control over their pets. Easily seen when hearing people command over their pets or rage at them when something doesn’t go their way.
i think it’s quite noticeable how much people are devoid of meaning and connection with how cities are accommodating for especially dogs. other than pet stores and veterinarians (who mostly deal with pets), there are many dog parks to try and correct that most dogs need open spaces to run unleased which is usually not the reality on cities. Also people need to vaccinate and sometimes have a license for their pets, which i guess wasn’t as widespread when there were less people with pets. Not to even mention the need to castrate pets “for their own good” and that they’ll be calmer. Like sure, they do become less aggressive around other and in general and it’s irresponsible to have too many stray animals endangering the ecosystem balance. But this just shows how everything is screwed up from the source.
As a somewhat related personal example: my downstairs neighbor has a dog that almost the moment she (the neighbor) leaves. the dog starts barking continuously till she comes back. from around 9 AM to 5 PM. Other than suffering from the constant barking, it’s so obvious to me that the dog is lonely or has a separation anxiety and tries through the barking to communicate with other dogs in the vicinity. But when i talk to other people about the dog being neglected, only very few agree or listen instead of brushing it of as “normal” or “fine”. Which kinda makes sense since many people are pet owners and probably view their pets similarly, like glorified toys that should give love unconditionally regardless of treatment.
And that is just pets, that on many occasions are treated better than children by their parents (a bit from personal experience). i’ve known the phrase (maybe originally from you?) that “[as a child] being treated as a pet”, but for me this is even more screwed up. the fact that we as a society use a term for an animal that is almost ubiquitous with “a thing for amusement” truly gives us a mirror image of who we are. While i don’t think the relationship between humans and animals (such as cats and dogs) is purely exploitative and there is something honest and pure, it’s hard to say the exploitation is negligible.
Hello Mr.Mackler. I just watched your video on psychosis and childhood trauma on YouTube. My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now. My older brother has experienced 3 very traumatic episodes of psychosis since the pandemic and it has really beaten him down. He is currently on medication and like you said it numbs all his emotions, he is not the same. I remember a little after his first episode, he vaguely mentioned something from his childhood. I so very much want him to be happy, his joyful self again. Please, can you recommend a resource that we could use online with him. We live on a small island and we do not have much capable phycologists. He is also very reluctant to go to one. I worry about him every single day. He is my best friend. Is there anything we can use. Is your book about childhood trauma helpful? Is there anything thing else that you think with be interactive and get him to open up. I would sincerely appreciate your help and advice. Thank you so much for that video again. It was like a light bulb went off. Thank you.
Hi Fleurette,
Greetings! My self therapy book probably would not be a good fit, as it wasn’t intended for people who are in psychosis, unless a workbook like this was something he was really really interested in. However, have you watched my three movies on healing from psychosis without medication? Here’s a link to them and all sorts of different languages: https://wildtruth.net/films-recovery-schizophrenia/
I think this would probably be a much better place to start, and if he’s willing to watch them he might be able to take the ball from there.
Daniel
I ve discovered your channel few months ago I liked your perspective in various topic . Keep going wishing to see more topic on your channel thank you
Thank you!
Daniel, what’s your take on schizoid personality disorder?
Hi Daniel!
I just want to say your videos are so genuine and honest. I found your channel two weeks ago, and since then, I have watched a lot of them.
A big hug to you from Rio!
Obrigado Guilherme!
Daniel
Happy to know another brazilian is here!
Hey Daniel! I hope you’re well and safe. I wanted to get your take on something. I was talking to a spiritual person about their experience being in bliss. I found out that I was also in bliss when I grieved for the first time. I think what we had in common was a found unconditional love to the self.
My unconditional love was based on knowing how I was wronged and how everything I do is influenced by that. Something woke up in me and I took my side for the first time in my life. But talking to him I found out that my unconditional love was based on a foundation. A foundation that claimed to understand everything and draw back every mistake in my life to childhood trauma. And so that feeling of bliss, the freedom to do anything my authentic self wants disappeared when I couldn’t draw back some mistakes or during the process of healing and understanding. And alot of traumas resurfaced.
The spiritual person I was talking to unconditionally loves themselves just because it exists. They said things about being infinite and therefore the unconditional love would be truly unconditional. Which baffles me. I was in that state accidentally and it was really good.
However I did make mistakes in that state. I was rude sometimes. I was reckless. I was critical of everyone in my inner dialog. And I was scared it wouldn’t last sometimes. But I was free. I could feel me talking and thinking on my feet. And I could see through people in ways I couldn’t at all before.
So Was the freedom real? Will I feel it again if i did the work? Is spirituality a short-cut? Am I torturing myself to earn something that I already have?
Hi Rosie — good questions…but I don’t know if I have any answers here… this sounds like a great opportunity to journal to help figure it out! That is at least what I would do if it were me
Daniel
I gave up hope for living until I saw your video on bpd. My psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis after my 10th suicide attempt. I’ve been in the icu and went missing on several occasions where I lost hope and overdosed in the bush. I got taken to a hospital in Orillia, Ontario where I was given meds and told to take them and told to take dbt. I read up on dbt and don’t think it’s a good idea and will only make me worse. I’ve been prescribed 10 different medications from Zoloft, Ativan, tranadone and amibilfy I’m getting no better I’m hanging on by a tread and my psychiatrist doesn’t believe me. What can I do Iim scared I can’t hold on much longer.
Thank you so much for sharing your opinion Christian. I need to get back to the habit of journaling again.
Hi Daniel, I found your YT channel and, like a lot of people I imagine, I then proceeded to binge watched as many videos as I could.
I was going to write a comment on one of your videos but decided against it. I wanted to ask you your thoughts on the pandemic. Isn’t it a classic case of denial? In this case mass denial. Encouraged from above, I believe. Like the climate crisis, we collectively decided (or have been encouraged to decide) that it was just too inconvenient, that we are sooo over it. No one has yet been able to explain to me how C19 just went away. So now kids face a future of reduced life expectancy and chronic illness. A recission in Germany has just been attributed to loss of productivity due “record sickness rates.” Doesn’t the idea that denial is a maladaptive coping mechanism apply even to this? Maybe it is just too hard to talk about publicly now. I even have a feeling of guilt for raising this with you (just like I do when I raise it with my family, even though 9 times out of 10 I keep my mouth shut.) I find it very interesting and extremely depressing.
All the best
Jason
Hi Jason — greetings. And thanks for your comment. I’m not sure what to say about the pandemic, except I traveled a lot throughout it, and I saw that basically every country’s leaders handled it in different ways, some diametrically opposed to other leaders… That was a wake-up call for me…. Definitely how leaders in at least many of the cases were led by something that wasn’t truth…
Daniel
Well expressed, Jason.
Denial has become such an entrenched coping mechanism. Even with the pandemic. When the reality is presented it is ignored. Fear was the weapon that beat the masses into submission and blindness.
Hi daniel!
I’m here after watching most of your videos ig enough to get the basic ideology and goal. I know this isn’t typical to the kind of videos you make but it would really be of great help if you could make a video or anything of help on HOW TO DEAL WITH THE TRAUMA OF LOSING A PARENT(who was exceptionally good for their kid). A close friend of mine lost her very loving father who she considered her best friend recently and is still very vulnerable to things and the after math of his death. I want to help her resolve it before she puts a lids over it and pushes it down and later in life gets a “diagnosis” for it. It would be of great help.
Thank you! Love your work.
Thanks for the idea!!
-Daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for your videos. Really, really helpful. I love you!
I won’t tell you my story except to say that to give out this real info on trauma and healing from it is AMAZING and so genuine. I’ve never had a better therapist than you!!!
From a fellow musician,
God bless you! You are beautiful.
Antonia
Awww, thank you Antonia!
Daniel
Appreciate your web site. would appreciate more utube video and writings about chronic disease such as what you delt with. ty
Hi Daniel, I had never heard of you before, but had been searching for videos on Alice Miller. Her book, The Drama of the Gifted Child had been recommended to me by an old colleague. I think Judith Herman had mentioned her in Trauma and Recovery, and I believe that Gabor Mate mentioned her in his most recent book, The Myth of Normal. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I have been a social worker for over 30 years in NYS and have been a therapist for many years. It’s only in the last 10 years or so that I have really looked into early trauma. I have come to believe that the number of adults of all ages that are walking around very much affected by early trauma and have no idea of the connection with challenges in their lives is beyond anything we could imagine. I know that former Vice President Al Gore has called climate change an Inconvenient Truth, but I personally feel that early trauma for many many people walking this earth is also an Inconvenient Truth. A few years ago, I viewed Gabor Mate’s brief course on his approach, “Compassionate Inquiry” and part of it consisted of a multiple day training he did in Vancouver, BC. The number of people there and those selected to come up from the audience and talk to Gabor appeared more like a pilgrimage of trauma survivors rather than a training, and the pain in the audience was palpable. I watched your video where you related why you are no longer a psychotherapist, and I identified with every reason! I think it is likely the rare psychotherapist that does not agree and identify with your reasons, and this is the reason why one must have the passion to remain in the field despite the challenges that you mentioned. It is not a bad thing to have one’s passion leave them, as we are human and sometimes we change over time. We grow and our priorities sometimes change. Perhaps that was true for you. But, perhaps you have found a better way to reach out to others and provide a compassionate voice. As a fellow social worker, I just wanted to say thank you, wish you all the best, and hope to learn some things from you! Take Care! Bob
Thanks Bob!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was watching one of your videos about people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness but often purported to have good childhoods. It got me reflecting. I’ve been thinking on a lot of my childhood, and reading a lot of my previous journal entries. Oftentimes in those entries I would be at such a mental rock bottom, but still I would say something along the lines of “I am an awful awful monstrous person who is incapable of love, my family were on the whole good people who loved me in ways that I could not receive because of who I am blah blah blah”. Really self-harming mindset that I can now see comes from, actually, a whole torrent of abuse in my life. In your videos, you say that a lot of your clients would only begin to realise how rough their childhoods were when they really began to review things in like the tenth session of therapy. I just wanted to leave a message to say that I really do agree with your point that actually so much stuff is from trauma rather than “biology”, just from a lot of personal experience that I have documented through the timeline of how my perspective has changed in my journal entries. From the previous really self-hating, self-harming mindset I had been in for practically my entire life, my most recent journal entry is the following, which is now, when I am in a much healthier place mentally:
Why did I think I had a good childhood? It wasn’t because I was actually safe or happy. It was because I perceived my parents and siblings as better than me in character, which made me equate that to having a good childhood, despite their flaws. It was me thinking that since everyone is flawed in character, the fact that I perceived them to at least have fewer flaws than me (with my rock-bottom abused self-esteem) made me wrongly equate that to having a good childhood.
Meanwhile, I had used a lot of defences and psychological dissociative strategies to MAKE MYSELF constantly safe. So it did feel like I was safe most of the time. What I mistook was the causes of that safety. My parents weren’t the ones making me finally perceive my childhood as safe, I MYSELF was the one who made those conditions safe for me, through various compensatory strategies/adaptations, in response to my unsafe parents’ dynamics and environments, to the point where it was so automated and reflexive I had forgotten that my parents were the source of my original dangers. And to have these strategies/adaptations constantly in the background and normalised – it was only then that I was constantly safe, as long as I had those defences in place.
But the fact that I needed to use these strategies constantly…. Does not mean that my childhood was safe and good. I thought it was NORMAL to have these strategies to survive, I thought it was a rite of passage, because I was a child who didn’t know better, who didn’t have a frame of reference on others who could be safe without them.
But these strategies that kept me safe were also not healthy for me in so many other ways, preventing me from being real, dynamic and spontaneous in other aspects of my life. And often, it harmed me and others when they weren’t in use for protecting me from what they were originally an adaptation towards in an unsafe childhood. In fact, I identified so much with those adaptations/protective strategies, they were fully a part of my self-concept, my identity, what I thought my personality just naturally was like. These defences to me are still so difficult to let go of – currently it feels like if I do, the change of my sense of self, the person I present to the world, would be so jarring and unsettling I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I think it’s because if I let go of these defences I call a huge chunk of my personality, it would be like a whole dam breaking, and I fear I would drown in those waters known as deep uncertainty. Like, who am I? What habits and frameworks am I supposed to rely on now to feel safe? Am I allowed to just be who I am in every moment, no matter how different or dynamic, instead? Is it safe? Do I trust and love my self and independence and individuation enough to feel safe there? There will be this huge dam breaking moment if I let go of those past adaptations and “personality traits”, where now I need to actually be responsible for my life and self in every waking moment, and everything is up to me. It’s like the most gigantic step up in terms of responsibility and self-reliance, self-regulation. I think that’s why talking about childhood trauma is only really safe and accepted by people when it’s done incrementally. Like the more you uncover and process and no longer need to act according to those traumas, the more responsibility for yourself that you need to take on. That is most effective… maybe incrementally, so it doesn’t feel like all safety is just pulled from under your feet?
In your opinion, and perhaps from your observations from how your clients do in therapy, would you say that for some people this is the case? Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on stuff like this in the first place, it’s really helped me so much.
– Mary
Mary, normally I wouldn’t reply to a long description of one’s difficulties with becoming more conscious of the reality of one’s situation, however, you have explained the challenges involved so articulately and succinctly that I just had to let you know that your understanding of the problem with, the terror of, facing the truth of trauma and hence the denial of it is right on! The only place one can locate support, comes from within. One just has to trust it. Hope you continue to journal your heart out and perhaps , you might have memoir material.
Thank you and blessings!
From a stranger, thank you for sharing this. It hits exactly on what I’m struggling with and why I’ve been refusing to let some big issues drop with my parents and my freedom seems to be on a collision course with my “parents”. Who don’t feel like parents, but tormentors for what they put me through. By a stroke of luck, being re-traumatized by my parents in the last year or two jolted my mind to remember more childhood trauma and abuse on multiple levels from my parents. Me confronting this as an adult feels like I either free myself by going my own way and leave my family behind or continue the cycle by being in the same old toxic family system that refuses to change and see any wrongdoing because there’s always an excuse (we had it worse, it wasn’t that bad, you’re not remembering it right, that didn’t happen/I don’t remember).
Anyway, wanted to say thanks again, reading your post resonated with me on a level where I felt utterly alone in the world. All the best.
Hello Daniel, first of all Thank you for your beautiful existence, work, engagement, art and brilliant mind.
Second, do you know the works of dr James Davies like “Cracked: Why psychiatry is doing more harm than good?”
And third I would like to ask you if you agree with what I have written below:
The naming issue – importance of language Psychology vs. psychiatry.
List of medical specialties by nomenclature: endings: gr. -logía, eng. -logy “study of”: Audiology and Phoniatrics – fields of Otolaryngology
Allergology
Anesthesiology
Cardiology
Dermatology
Venereology
Endocrinology
Gastroenterology
Gynecology
Microbiology
Neonatology
Oncology
Nephrology
Neurology
Ophthalomology
Traumatology
Pharmacology
Pneumology
Radiology
Rheumatology
Urology
Proctology
Immunology
Podology and Podiatry
Endings: gr. -iatreia eng. -iatry “treatment”
Geriatrics – from Greek gēras ‘old age’ + iatros ‘doctor’, on the pattern of paediatric . There is a distinction between geriatrics and gerontology. Gerontology is the multidisciplinary study of the aging process, defined as the decline in organ function over time in the absence of injury, illness, environmental risks or behavioral risk factors. However, geriatrics is sometimes called medical gerontology.
Pediatrics – Greek words: παῖς (pais “child”) and ἰατρός (iatros “doctor, healer”).
Obstetrics – From a Medical Latin obstetricus (“belonging to a midwife”), from Latin obstētrīx (“midwife”). Field combined with Gynecology
Phoniatrics – Phoniatrics and audiology is one specialty within otolaryngology. Psychiatry
Podiatry and podology – here is the same problem as with psychology and psychiatry
Other endings and file names, e.g.: Surgery Emergency medicine Internal diseases, internal medicine Infectious diseases Orthopedics
QUESTIONS:
1. Why has the name ‘psychology’ not been adopted by medicine as the name of the field? Why was another name invented for the field that deals with topics of the psyche?
2. Why don’t we have ‘otolaryngiatry’, ‘endocrinoiatry’, ‘oncoiatrics’, ‘uroiatrics’ and so on? If we create the name ‘socioiatry’, will we create a branch of medicine dealing with the treatment of society? If we add “iatry” to geology, will we create the profession of an earth doctor?
3. What would happen if all psychology were transferred to the medical field? Is full medicalization of the psychic world the right move? I don’t think so, so…
4. For the logic of naming maybe we just transform psychiatry into a clinical psychology? Quote from Wikipedia: clinical psychology – a branch of applied psychology dealing with the prevention, diagnosis and therapy of mental and behavioral disorders, i.e. disturbances in the regulation of human relations with their environment. What about disturbances in the regulation of relations between the environment and the individual? Does this already belong to sociology, or maybe ‘sociatry’?
5. Why can’t a psychologist or a psychotherapist write a sick leave from work? Why can’t they have the ability to write a sick leave and I have to rely on the insight, judgment and will of a group of people I don’t trust?
The conclusions of Allen Frances – “the lead editor of the fourth edition of nt the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (universally known as the DSM-IV), the guy who wrote the book on mental illness, confessing that ‘these concepts are virtually impossible to define precisely with bright lines at the boundaries.’ ‘There is no definition of a mental disorder. It’s bullshit. I mean, you just can’t define it.’ Frances argued (in Gary Greenburg’s 2013 book about the DSM-5, The Book of Woe) that these labels are still crucial to treatment, and he warned, ‘If you puncture that noble lie, you’ll be doing a disservice to our patients . . . . A lot of false beliefs help people cope with life.’ Have Allen Frances just said that you can treat delusions with delusions? …
https://www.wired.com/2010/12/ff-dsmv/ https://www.madinamerica.com/2023/01/acknowledge-psychiatry-religion/
In summary my main ideas are:
1. Transforming psychiatry into clinical psychology
2. Meeting of whole world’s Psychological Associations with Psychiatric Associations and Patients Associations to conduct joint conversations about Mental World and Mental Health.
Thanks Agnus,
Appreciated! I like your ideas — thank you. Sorry I don’t have the energy to comment more. Also, I don’t know the work of James Davies…
Wishing you well!
Daniel
You can watch some of his investigations here.
https://youtu.be/-Nd40Uy6tbQ?si=Tw_xhO6MM7oPr11u
Essentially the first part is the most important. We must understand that all “science” behind the psychiatry is based on voting. That’s how we create law not science.
Hey Daniel,
I think of you as my role model, at times where I feel disconnected from myself and not really hearing much of myself, and so I hear you. You’re the one person I’m likely to trust in this world. Because of your authenticity and honesty and your beautiful soul.
I’m longing for freedom. Total freedom of the baggage that’s occupying my mind and body. When and how does it get better for you? I know healing isn’t linear. Is it at least exponential? How do I assess my progress, and is it going to be okay one day?
Hi R — thanks. Hmm…how long does it take to heal and feel more free??? I really do not know — it’s so different for everyone…. I still have my bad and painful days — both so many more good ones than bad ones. Really wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’ve been following your videos for a month and wanted to reach out. I’m currently facing a challenging situation where my family consistently tries to draw me back into a toxic environment. They often use guilt, citing reasons like my mother’s illness or my parents’ age, to persuade me to return. However, their lack of attention when I speak (preferring TV or alcohol) has led to a build-up of repressed anger on my part.
My so-called ‘friends’ aren’t supportive either. They simply advise me to forgive and return to my family, possibly because they’re in similar situations. Even my sister and her boyfriend make me feel guilty for not caring for our parents, who ironically expect me to parent them. They dismiss my concerns about our age difference, insisting I should take care of them regardless. I find this expectation unreasonable.
I am 26 years old, presently attending my second university where I am studying medicine, a field I didn’t choose and find traumatizing. The sight of blood and injuries often triggers panic attacks in me.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for 10 months and have lived alone for three years. My therapist is understanding and offers a certain level of support without judgment. However, I often feel like my progress is slower than I’d like. Despite making some advancements, I’m at a stage where I desire to live on my own terms. I frequently find myself self-critical for not moving fast enough, a sentiment I think stems from my father’s habitual criticism of me.
I’m also contemplating getting a dog for companionship. My tendency to isolate myself, stemming from a pattern of choosing abusive relationships and a lack of attraction to healthy individuals, is something I’m trying to address. I apologize for unloading all this here; I’m seeking a different perspective to better understand and manage these emotions, especially the anger I’ve repressed so far.
I’m wishing you the best, Ciprian. I hope you find my videos helpful. Perhaps there are some new ideas in them…
Daniel
you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to with family, school, career, anything in life. but from perspective seems like you need to find a way to process these feelings. sitting w them, journaling, somatic movement, etc. you’ll find a way that resonates. you deserve to feel free, show the love you need to yourself. my heart is with you ciprian
Hello Daniel,
What do you think of Antinatalism? This idea seems to be gaining popularity and seems to align somewhat with your worldview. Very curious your thoughts!
Thank you,
Buck Kirtland
Hi Buck,
Thanks for the question. My basic point of view is that most people aren’t fit to have children. I’ve made some videos about that and also written about it here on this website. However, I don’t want humanity to go extinct. I love my life and love humanity. I just don’t want to see more children traumatized, and I think there are too many people on this planet. My ideal is that people heal their childhood traumas and grieve, and the more they do this the more fit they become as parents. My goal personally is to parent/heal myself. What’s your point of view? Daniel
Interesting. Thanks for your reply. I know for me Antinatalism doesn’t sit quite right. Theres a kind of nihilistic tinge to it that I think has dark implications. I think we should value human life and I believe it is sacred. But then again I do feel tension here. Because there is a lot of trauma and suffering in the world. And trauma and suffering seems to be an inevitable part of existence. Given that this is the case why do you think life should continue?
Thank you,
Buck Kirtland
Hey Daniel,
when a new video comes up I feel great that you’re out there doing your thing. Your videos inspire and comfort me so much. Forever grateful.
Can you consider talking about objectification of self and others? More specifically, the idea of finding safety in having sexual energy floating in relationships. Flirting with everyone even in platonic relationships. Or finding oneself always in these situations.
It’s so subtle it goes unnoticed, or deliberately not mentioned, only felt. Mentioning it would be setting a boundary and it would often lead to blame and accusations. i think it relates to your videos on sexual abuse of sons by mothers. And it can be related to pretty privilege as well. Would love to hear if you have more to say about it.
Hi R,
Thanks for the idea. I’ll have to think about it.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I viiewed on of your recent videos on your experience of parental neglect and fighting.
You mentioned your parents’ contrasting personalities.
Do you ever think about what kind of alternative partners (if any at all) would’ve been better suited to your mother and father instead of having chosen each other and made their own and your lives so painful?
Hi Robert,
My parents weren’t suited to be in a relationship with anyone. They were too immature to be healthy partners. They needed to work on themselves…
Daniel
Hi Daniel
I know my mother was a narcissist but a covert narcissist, so there were many distortions of love. There were moments in my childhood where she seemed loving, how would I know these moments came from a manipulative and controlling place of a narcissist and not a heart centred, genuine loving space?
I get confused with whether she was actually genuinely loving at times..
Thank you for your work!
You’re welcome, Lydia!
Daniel
Hello,
First and foremost, Happy New Year! I have questions to ask you. As a former therapist, which influential figure in modern psychology has inspired you the most in your personal life and practice? Freud? Jung? Next, what is the meaning of dreams? For instance, a recurring dream I have is falling in love with a man which makes sense because I’m a gay man myself. What is the meaning of these reoccurring dreams? And, what is the psychology of the ‘law of attraction’? Can we truly train the mind (and the subconscious) to enact our deepest desires? Thanks! Love your work!
Hi Rudy — well, I would say Alice Miller influences me most in the psychology field. If you search for her on my website and my Youtube channel I say a lot about her — her strengths and weaknesses… I also write a lot about dreams on this website and talk about them on my Youtube channel too — if you search for dreams here or there you’ll find a lot about that! About your other questions…I’m not sure…
All the best — and thank you.
Daniel
Hey Daniel, just wanted to say your videos have helped me a lot lately. Thank you.
What are your thoughts on third culture kids/growing up abroad? When I was 6, my control-freak parent dragged me to another country to both get me away from family/friends and spite them. The cultural isolation, bullying I received and questionable parenting seriously messed me up. I’ve spent my adult life trying to reclaim myself and understand the child I really was.
I’ve met other people who have similarly been dragged all over the place by their parents due to their careers/whims and while it can broaden cultural horizons, I’ve seen it do a lot of harm to young minds. Do you have any thoughts?
Best wishes, Owen
Hi Owen,
Sadly, I’ve seen some people get really messed up by their parents removing them from their cultural or social milieu and dragging them around the world — kids always having to start over in new cultures and with new friendships…and sometimes fail pretty miserably to do so…
I’m wishing you the best!
Daniel
The past six months have been a really turbulent period, in an overall good way. I’m nearly 19 now and the past year is the first I have spent properly present, after repressing all my feelings due to a childhood of emotional neglect. Although a there is a lack of healthy adult role models in my family, your videos have been a tremendous help in the procress of making sense of my past and beginning my healing journey. Thank you so much for the work that you do. Your authenticity is admirable and I hope to one day reach such a point in life as well. Godspeed!
Thanks Veronica!
Daniel
My name is Kai, and I’m from Pakistan. My therapist diagnosed me with psychosis, delusional type. I believe I have it, but the therapist did not help me recover. During our sessions, it felt like she was trying to get rid of me. After the fifth session, she claimed I was healed, though I still don’t feel okay. What should I do?
Hi Kai,
I’m really not sure what to do. If possible I would avoid taking psychiatric medications, or if you are taking them and don’t like them and wish to quit be very sure to taper quite slowly. The best thing I think is finding safe and respectful people to talk with. Often that is not easy, but I think it is very helpful — whether they are therapists or not. All the best, Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I wanted to ask what your opinion was on leaving home at a young age. For all my life I’ve wanted to adventure and see the world but the way my life is heading I’m doubtful that things will work out. My parents are somewhat conservative and to them, it’s obligatory that I be religious, go to school, and provide for them until they pass. I have siblings that I’ve watched grow older and I know that they’re not happy with how they live. I wanted to take things slow but as the days go by I feel more and more discontent with my life. I’ve been thinking about just running away from home, I feel that the environment I’m in is making it harder for me to move forward. But I also have the fear that I’m not thinking straight and I might just be desperate.
Hi S,
I’m not sure how old is “a young age.” I think under 18 is too young, personally — certainly for most people. But I think once a person is of majority age it can be very healthy and eye-opening to have some life adventure away from home — often far from home. The main thing is that the person does it in a safe and intelligent manner — have some money saved, avoid drugs and alcohol while traveling, maybe travel with a friend, or make sure to make some friends along the way!
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I first came across your work in 2015 via your interviews with Jake of The Voluntary Life, and then I read Breaking With Your Parents, which was one of main influences to confront my parents and move through the individuation process towards my Authentic Self. Have also read many of Alice Miller’s books (joelbein.com/books). Very grateful for your courage, self-expression, and impact on my journey. 🙂
I just released a 3-part podcast series Questioning Your Parents (https://open.spotify.com/episode/32pXWbMHvRTbBUZXjNSwQJ?si=oG91GvMGQamtta5o_U0zJw) for my new podcast. I deeply desire to create a healthy and wholesome world for humans, from the inside out and bottom up. I would love to interview you on the podcast to talk about these topics that nearly no one else is talking about on the planet.
Are you interested?
Joel
Hi Joel,
Thanks for the offer!! However, I must admit that I don’t have the mental energy for it at the moment. I haven’t been giving any interviews lately. Maybe at some point in the future, but not right now…
Meanwhile, thank you also for your kind words —
and wishing you the best!
Daniel
I see, thank you Daniel. Perhaps I’ll plan to reach out in a year or two and see how you are doing. Or if you are ever feeling eager to do interviews again, feel free to reach out to me at my email address.
And you are welcome. Forever grateful for your courage.
Joel
Hi!
Sorry so many leave you lengthy confessionals, leverage your site to self-promote and have missed the message you left therapizing behind and now pursue things that fill your tank, not empty it. I was wondering if you have elaborated more on the benefits of celibacy somewhere? I recently re-read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson; who is running as a Dem for president again, and she discusses the detriments to the soul of sex without love in our lives. I agree. No words describe this other than a form of self-rape we do to ourselves in this hook-up culture in 2024. Are we returning to apes as a culture?
Hi Daniel,
I’m writing this to ask about the process of becoming more mature. I’m 19, and feel a lot like a kid. I’m still dependent on my father in some ways, and for a long time have been out of school and a job, spending a lot of time at home. I feel very afraid of people, and have trouble really openly interacting with anyone, and always feel suspicious or mistrusting. I feel like I always just let things happen to me, and let the important things in life fall away, when maybe there was more I could do, but I just don’t trust myself either, and really don’t value myself. Is becoming mature something that happens through action? I think it is, but I just feel so inadequate, I can’t even message my friends or get a job. I don’t want to strive for the wrong things in life, and I hate that I’m falling behind many of my peers, and I recognize that the things that come out of my mouth are so often underdeveloped and childish, and I don’t know how to change that because I can barely think without being overwhelmed, running away from my issues, and wasting another day. I hope this isn’t a misuse of this platform. I know I could think on and on about this, and I assume you would recommend taking small forward steps, but I don’t know what to do, or what to let guide me in this life, and unfortunately I’m very afraid.
Hi D.
Yes, I would say it’s probably a good idea to take things slow — to try some new things as best you can, and to except that it will feel at least somewhat uncomfortable.
Here’s a self-therapy playlist I made: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL
Maybe something in this will be useful to you?
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hey Daniel, i donated some money, watched many of your youtube videos, today i confronted my parents and it went better than expected, they are much older than me 70/73y and i’m 33y, my mom gave me no privacy and castrated me sexually, she still acts in a sexual way when i have a girlfriend.. i have had many addictions.. most damaging one is paying for sex, i still am in the grips of this escaping behavior.
Some things i left unsaid not because i was afraid but because i didn’t found a proper way to communicate, first time i saw my father cry.
Sometimes i feel i’m overreacting, i feel bad now for listening to you and that they didnt traumatize me and you brainwashed me!
But maybe its my stockholm syndrome talking.
Wish you the best.
Wishing you the best, Francisco!
And thank you for your donation. Much appreciated!
Daniel
Hi Daniel! I just discovered your YouTube videos a few weeks ago, and really feel you are a Friend out there in the world. What you are doing is of such value that I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’d like to offer you something, however small, in return: I like the way you employ the little riff at the end of each of your videos, and was reminded of John Sayles’ movie “Passion Fish.” Have you seen it? “Crumb” and “Rosetta,” among others, have passed through my mind watching your content as well.
To Freedom!
Hey danial,
Hope you’re doing well.
I’m in a bit of an intellectualizing pickle. What do you think about intellectualizing as a way to escape true grief and pain?
Someone like Alice Miller, for example. She knew all the facts. She still had major blind spots in her life.
I read in her book prisoners of childhood, the sentence “reduced to mere intellectual insights” and it kind of spoke to me. After going through an awful event were I felt deep shame. Still do. I lost me again. I feel the connection to myself is kind of weak now. It’s confusing and awful to fall into this intellectualizing trap like I use my knowledge of things like repetition compulsion to ease my shame instead of feeling it. Cause it’s unbearable. But I’m kind of lost in thoughts like a loop. And I feel kind of lost from myself and retraumatized.
Hi Daniel,
I would like to wish you a wonderful New year and a happy birthday month for your child of inner beauty.
You have made a very big difference in this past year of mine. Knowing a kindred soul is out there who questions things and is walking this path too makes it feel less lonely. Your books have guided me and your songs soothed me.
I am on the path to grieving my childhood, where it’s “hell to be honest” and quite lonely for a time. But a journey I would not foresake for anything. My inner child, my true self is worth reaching for, embracing and knowing.
I am glad 2023 led me to your work.
This year I journey onwards toward truth.
And I wish you all the best on your path.
Kindly,
Natasha
Hello Mr Mackler,
I have found many of your talks both helpful and informative. I am wondering, time and interest permitting, if you could touch on what I believe is a bias against single people?
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re well and in good health.
What’s your take on “love” or romance?
I got my heart broken few months back, it’s what sparked my healing path. Although i found hope and peace and understanding through the small achievements of my healing journey, I’m still heartbroken and confused.
The wound was refreshed when my ex contacted me and I acted out in a way that really humbled me on my healing journey. I saw myself losing it. I saw traumas coming to the surface and I was a wounded child again.
It left me feeling hopeless, shameful and despair. Things I haven’t felt in a while since I starting healing. I felt misery in my healing journey but a hopeful kind of misery. One that doesn’t make me think I’m forever doomed.
What do you make of people who dwell on past relationships and rejections?
Hi Daniel,
Sorry for the VERY long post – don’t feel the need to reply immediately if you’re still exhausted !
First of all I would like to thank you for everything you did. I’ve had problems in my childhood that required interventions from professionals yet it was due to this psychiatrist I visited as a kid that I wanted to become a psychologist (and later when I started university and realized what it actually was, a psychotherapist – currently
on my own healing path for 2 years with a wonderful woman and who helps me financially with a discount so I can afford the required numbers of self-therapy before I graduate and start the formal training process – Kleinian psychodynamics if you’re interested).
I’ve found your channel through a friend who soon after had a tragedy in his life – his younger brother committed suicide, and after a year once we meet with mutual friends he commanded a person with Borderline PD to attack me the whole time. He later confessed to those mutual friends he did this, after 3+ hours of tormenting by this person, where I did the “gray rock method” of simply dismissing and giving irrelevant answers in a fruitless effort to neutralize his aggression. I’ve seen through his tricks and somehow survived a person who could have killed me if I was alone with him and I’ve lost a friend in progress. I could only watch as he became a hardcore narcotics junkie.
Problem is, now the rest of the friends are friends no more. One of the mutual friends from the above occasion went from being a young man that played physical sports to a 12 hour a day gamer on the phone, even getting a fungal infection in the groin due to laziness to shower – the other is a anxious-avoidant that after 4+ years of therapy has still gone nowhere, and so on. When I approached the former for a talk regarding what I will discuss below – he gaslighted me and said I always looked for problems and had to invent them if they didn’t exist. A year ago he said he would be with me when the moment comes that I grow strong enough to face the truth of my adoption – and now, a year later, he said quite plainly that the worst is that they could have put me near a garbage can and left me alone for pickup. I didn’t even get angry because of the comment, but because he changed and I was left with no-one whom I could trust. This happened quite recently.
After 2 years of therapy , i was tormented with dreams about reuniting with my biological parents. My whole life my adopted parents (who adopted me when I was maybe around 6 months old?) never gave me enough of a secure connection – I could never go to kindergarten until I was 6 due to extreme protests and anger/sadness when put there, I’ve tried to obtain that love through being worthy in doing many side activities at the same time which resulted in stress and a need for counseling when I was 13,14 – even smashed my fist in the wall because my parents were never able to help me understand my feelings and deal with frustration in a healthy way. As a early teen I spent over 12’+ hours combined – 8 for school, 4+ for music school, and 2 for marksmanship training a day, all as therapy showed, in a vain effort to deserve love. Such stress reached this pinnacle where my right hand is to this day thicker than the left, I have a line between my eyebrows due to constant frowning and dissociation from that period , and I’ve played the role of a parent in romantic relationships – last one with anohter BPD it seems – and it’s been also 2 years or more, and still, I can’t let myself enter a relationship in fear that I haven’t grown enough nor can I find someone who isn’t insane around me. I’ve also started to value children and feel sorry for all these young ones who will suffer much more than we did due to their brain not even developing properly because of technology such as video games on smartphones. There’s stories and stories about abuse at school by classmates but that would digress too much from the point.
Since starting university and looking at the insanity around me, I’ve developed chronic bloat, problems with my guts and they are all psychically induced (this was said by a gastro-enterologist, no less). Regardless, I’ve pushed forward with psychology because I see my meaning in life as helping others and regardless of the following :
1. A different psychiatrist who drugged me so hard that I couldn’t think for 3 days nor move (bradipsychia and bradilalia, abulia)
2. A councelor before this excellent therapist who made me go to this person above
3. And the first psychiatrist I mentioned in the beginning (the one who inspired me to do what I will do soon) – who hysterically threatened to call the police in an irrational fit of rage because she couldn’t believe me I didn’t hear her when it was my time to come through the line – and I only calmly tried to have a conversation with her. She remembered who I was and terminated the contract immediately. Even her colleague whom I visit now said (without context of what happened) that this was unprofessional.
4. Now 2 best friends – the one with the fungus infection and another one I haven’t talked about not being there for me while I was always there for them in harsh times
5. A person who surly has Narcissistic PD who put 6 people against me in lies in a effort to kick me from a Student writer organization – now they realized their mistake and tried to contact me, in vain. How do I know he conspired against me ? By being nice to the girl with BPD, whom I would later try to help heal. 2 years later, she thanked me and realized what I did – while I’m still picking up the pieces from everything that you read here.
All feel like betrayals one after another and it’s only now, waiting for a response for my request to learn about my birth and my biological parents – that I feel more isolated than ever. outside of only my therapist (who coincidentally also couldn’t be there for me – I suspect her mother either died or was again in serous issues – I trust my therapist enough not to burden her when she’s not available and thankfully, it’s because of her that I could find out all of this I’m writing ) and perhaps one remaining friend, I’ve lost over 4 people, including my parents , whom I’ve considered close enough that I can be with at this anxious moment that’s been plaguing me my whole life. I learned about my adoption when I was 9 and since then it was a constant burden on my soul.
I understand this letter is all over the place, but I guess I can summarize it with the following :
1. When you can’t find healthy people no matter where you search, what do you do ? Keep those around who are there only for the good times or go totally in isolation ? They are all dissociated in this or that way and sometimes they put me down when I point to them that they are escaping their problems. My parents are a prime example – my dad even smiled when talking about the beatings his father did to him, on an occasion where our neighbor (and also godmother) talked about her child experiences and neglect. They were so dissociated from this valuable moment of her actually opening up it was like they ignored her ! Scary… Also, I gave up on trying to help them change a good year ago. The moment my father was disgustingly telling me ” is that what you’re studiying ?” when talking about the traumas I inherited from them and they from their parents, was when I stopped seeing myself as their child. Now I’m stuck between a child with no parents (mentally) and an adult who wants to have a healthy family and heal and find a healthy person to NOT do the same to his kids. This is also the moment I started realizing the world is really messed up, much in the vain you were talking about in your videos. The more I’m going through this journey, the more I agree with you.
2. Is there any source of comfort or energy I can find that can help me with this feeling of betrayal by literally everyone ? I’ve been distant to Christianity as of late, as after reading Bowlby, Einsworth , watching your videos and personal experience I believe the consequences of morality are objective but I don’t see the bad punished – instead , dissociation in this life is hell on earth. A life unfufilled and wasted and the reflection and realization of the fact upon the death bed would be true torture for me – so I try to not waste a single moment , and healing is the precursor to this.
3. I realize my perspective and feeling of betrayal is the one manifested because I was betrayed by my parents (probably both biological and adoptive). But what do I do outside of trying to understand my feelings and let the grieving process go ? I’ve tried to cry multiple times in my therapy sessoins and sometimes in bed trying to fall asleep I feel this emptiness and loneliness, isolation that has been plaguing me my whole life, but to no avail have I managed to truly let the tears flow. Haven’t felt like journaling helped much or at all for the last year as well – all I feel consciously is the same as when I write, no insight. I still want to be a therapist even after years of these struggles, yet I fear I might never truly heal and help others get rid of the shackles imposed by life. My therapist said it is posssible to heal without crying , though she of course said that crying can be incredibly healthy. I’m often on the verge of tears of shedding a single one, feeling the brunt of the pain, but not losing it. Not even with what happened below.
Just last night my mother tried to see why I was in a bad mood – and somehow it spiraled into me losing control and asking her why she didn’t do anything when my piano teacher threw the book full force into my 9 year old face and tried to smash my hands with the wooden cover that’s above the place where the hands are held, or the fact that I’ve never learned anything about sex from there and was a confused teen struggling to even accept myself as a sexual being. And every time I confronted them, the gaslighted me and couldn’t accept their mistakes. I’ve watched your videos after that yet again, and I wonder , after going cold on them this past year and a half, how I can detach from their presence even more. Due to financial reasons I’m stuck with them at home right now, with no “friends” in this city (University is in a different place). I didn’t even want her to hug me and I’ve become physically distant to my parents over time as well.
I apologize if this letter is too long and you’re too tired to answer – even that’s OK. I just once again want to say THANK YOU, because if it wasn’t for you, my healing process would have been much slower. You’re the guy I look up when it’s difficult in my healing process and you’re one of the last motivators I have to finish college and start working on my therapy classes.
P.S. I sent a couple of your vids to my therapist and she agreed with you on the points you mentioned.
Hope you have a wonderful day,
Filip
Hello Daniel,
Thank you for the excellent work you do. You have been instrumental in my beginning to unpack, process, and heal the trauma I experienced growing up from how neglected and abandoned emotionally I was by my parents. I was hoping to ask you about your path on getting a career in psychotherapy and some career/life advice. I recall hearing in one of your videos you had done some schooling or training after your undergraduate studies that was specifically for preparing you to be a psychotherapist. I can’t seem to remember what this specific program (or something or the other) was called and was wondering if you could share details on what it was, the requirements and qualifications, pricing, what it entailed, etc.
With regards to my situation and where I’d like to ask for some advice and perspective: I’m a 23 year old man living with my parents in New York. I graduated earlier this year with an honestly pretty “useless” interdisciplinary bachelor’s degree from a public university. I was invested in the topic when I was younger but after COVID shattered my world, my interests and priorities changed massively; and really I wasn’t the type of self-starter that could use that type of education to doggedly pursue my own goals. I’ve had mood issues since as young as 5, but from the start of high school and throughout all of college I was massively depressed and occasionally suicidal. I’ve tried therapy and medication a few times to no avail, and I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Anyways, I managed to limp over the finish line with a decent enough GPA (3.6/4.0) and a transcript with many a failed classes that were retaken and replaced with an “A” in a following semester. I have for a long time mentally resigned myself to doing either work that doesn’t require education (which even now, I’m not against) or doing some menial “office job”. But I’ve found I can barely get myself to send out applications to these “office jobs” or look for work in restaurants/retail. As to what’s keeping me complacent, I believe it’s a few things:
1) I currently work part-time for my father getting paid around minimum wage and have been for many years, and honestly, I love how simple the job is. Work is one place where my mood rarely drops, and it’s simple enough that I can listen to audiobooks and podcasts while working. I would have no qualms continuing to work for him (I will likely start working full-time and managing for him next year), but the issue is that my family is extremely religious, and I am both gay and an atheist (sorta, I have a complicated relationship with religion). Oops! I have been mentally blocking out for as long as possible that eventually I will have to stop living on autopilot and move out and separate from my family. I love my parents and family to an extent and have forgiven them in my heart quite a lot, but… 2) My brain can’t conceptualize the idea of eventually making that “clean break” with my family. 3) I don’t believe I’ve given myself permission to be excited about living my life. I’ve been thinking about this lack of “motivation” and really, it’s that for as long as I can remember, I’ve signed myself up for a life of quiet desperation and suffering, continuing a pattern since early childhood. I don’t want that anymore, my body and mind reject it against the wishes of my “rational” conscious mind, and my conscious mind is only beginning to realize this. As it stands, my parents want me to find a “professional job” and continue to live at home until I’m old enough to be married off to a girl of their choice. They aren’t very strict, and very hands-off, but this is the expectation before me. I can’t, won’t, and am unable to fulfill it, and I can’t even do the first part (finding gainful, independent employment) since I haven’t brought myself to plan a path of independence through work. I am trying to overcome this mental block.
I want to move out, and would be fine with living with a roommate. I wouldn’t mind one bit just being a manager of some restaurant, fast food, or retail store. I also wouldn’t mind working in the federal government. My current “dream” is improving my language skills in Japanese and working through some of the channels the Japanese government has for English-speaking professionals, and/or eventually beginning to work as some type of translator, or language support in the government, etc. But beyond what I wouldn’t “mind” or have currently in mind, I have great personal interest in classic literature, philosophy and spirituality (specifically Eastern philosophy and continental philosophy) and really, what the afflictions of Generation Z and all modern people are psychologically, ideologically, and spiritually.
I’m allowing myself to move my interest beyond flights of fancy and dedicate time, attention, and effort to these pursuits. I’ve begun reading and writing and studying more diligently, I’m shedding the idea of that “I can’t” or that “the institutions are irreparably failed” (though they certainly are) with regards to writing online publicly, sending out feelers into things like journalism, academia, or professional writing, even if external failure and disappointment are the rule. One thing that came to mind was potentially working as a therapist. I understand that the system is broken in a myriad of ways, but I have a sort of hope that I could do some real, real good for people alongside developing my intellectual capabilities and bringing that into my spaces of work as best I can and doing something which I love to do despite my social anxiety, which is learning about the lives of others and having meaningful conversation. If I were to pursue study/accreditation towards these ends, my parents would be glad to financially support me if I were serious about it and had a solid enough plan in mind.
On reflection, my shaky experience in school was all due to issues of procrastination with outside of the classroom writing work only. I am an excellent “studier”, test-taker, and presenter. Honestly, I’ve always been extremely adept at getting high marks or the top of the class on any written exam that wasn’t to be worked on in my own time, or any type of “proctored” exam at all since the beginning of high school. And with regards to work outside the classroom, for example, even if I’d hand in an essay 2-3 weeks late, I can’t recall ever receiving anything lower than an “A” in the past 8 years, and occasionally high praise from my teachers and professors personally, alongside the rare lamentation of how late the work was turned in.
This is a lot… but I really would appreciate your perspective on my situation very much. And I’m buying your book Breaking From Your Parents right now!
Thank you dearly,
AM
Hi Daniel,
Just listening to your critique on therapy. I tried therapy for the first time since my childhood (decades ago) this year. I have a history of anxiety and depression and was involuntarily committed about five years back for sharing thoughts of self harm on Facebook to elicit sympathy. The police surrounded my house and shouted with their guns drawn that they would kick down the door. I said I was calm, and I went cooperatively. The doctor at the hospital apologized and said he could tell I wasn’t a danger to myself but that he had already signed the commitment papers after reading the Facebook messages.
In the years since, my cousin who lived next door developed schizophrenia and threatened me many times, ultimately trying to kick my door in. After I moved they continue to harass me. I’ve become very reclusive and scared. So, when I found a therapist with a PhD offering a sliding scale, I was excited that they accepted my request for treatment. I had high hopes, and saw the therapist as much wiser and better than me. They diagnosed me with PTSD and told me I was fine aside from the stress and depression caused by the circumstances. I explained that certain subjects triggered me and warned that I sometimes lost my temper about that subject. They offered to try EMDR treatment and were a bit astonished when I expressed reluctancy, but I decided it would be safe and agreed to proceed.
I was meeting the therapist remotely every two weeks, and on the third week, I explained that I’d been very sad and anxious about my financial problems. I only had a few hundred dollars in my bank account. I mentioned that I’d been crying and felt hopeless. The therapist asked if I was suicidal. I adamantly denied that and stated clearly multiple times, “I have no thoughts of self harm”. The therapist then changed the subject back to my finances and brought up the subject I’d asked them to approach delicately. I lost my temper and ended the session. I later emailed to apologize and said that I’d be looking for another therapist. They emailed back that they wished me well, and I presumed things were fine.
I was awoken the next day by a frantic relative calling to ask if I was ok. My thoughts raced and I presumed there had been a tragedy in the family. They informed me that my therapist had called the police for a wellness check, and the police called them to check on me. Needless to say my faith in humanity was hit hard. I was physically sick for two days with stomach cramps. I still worry a lot about stepping outside. Now if another incident occurs with my cousin, I don’t know where to turn. But I am learning to trust myself and I guess the therapist helped teach me self sufficiency in a sort of backwards way. All’s well that ends well. It helps a lot to hear your story and know that there are good people in the world, and most of them aren’t therapists.
Hi Philemon–
Wow! Your story is a great warning for people. I appreciate you sharing it. I have heard so many similar stories over the years — and it’s important for people to know what you have shared. Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hey Daniel,
first of all, thank you so much for your work! Take these broken wings is so important, your videos often address things that I have been thinking about and your book breaking from your parents has helped me a lot over the years and made me feel less alone on my own journey without family (but with myself). I also enjoy your songs and essays and just wanted to say I value your contributions so so so much. Thank you!
There is a subject I have been thinking about and I wondered what you would say about it.
What are your thoughts on estranged family members meeting in family counseling for the sole purpose of having someone else hear about the abusive dynamic and reasons for No-Contact for some form of closure. While I wouldn’t recommend going when you are seeking validation from your parents or wish that they suddenly understand the abuse (it won’t happen), people online have reported that it felt like a great gift to themselves. They report how healing it was to have someone witness and understand and agree, that a relationship is not possible that way. They report, that it gave them some sort of closure. In these cases no contact had been established for many years and it was clear, that a relationship would not be possible.
What is your opinion, have you heard of cases where a meeting like this was beneficial? I can imagine that the type of counselor and also ones own expectations play a huge role in this. But I was just wondering, if you had any thoughts on this.
I hope you are well 🙂
Mariah
Hi Mariah,
Hmm — I wouldn’t recommend it in most cases, for two reasons:
1) I wouldn’t trust most therapists to really side with the child. Often they side with the parents, and that can be awful and dangerous! If they were a great and insightful therapist, it could be good, but I’d have to be really confident in the therapist first.
2) you wrote “While I wouldn’t recommend going when you are seeking validation from your parents…” — that’s the problem. I think at some level everyone still holds some of these feelings a little bit…especially a type of person who would consider going into therapy with their parents. If they didn’t have these feelings, them I’m guessing they probably wouldn’t need to have an outside witness like a therapist support them in their relationship with their parents…
Just thoughts…
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re doing wonderful.
This is the long story comment but I hope you
read it too.
I’m in a similar situation to when you were in college. It’s a stressful environment. I don’t have true friends yet. My radar is working on everybody. I feel loneliness and it’s me against the world.
My family system is really corrupt. I still have some of that in me some pain that is still controlling me.
I try to take care of myself but it’s really really hard sometimes when my brain is just stuck at pain or when i recognize things in my behavior that are from my traumatic past.
I’m scared for my sanity. My brother is “schizophrenic” and they fucked up with his brain with medications and i don’t know what else :(. I completely understand why he was acting the way he was.
Do you have any advice for me? How can I survive this phase?
Hi Rosie,
I’m not sure I have advice — my brain is fried right now! But I do wish you the best, great strength on your journey. And I do just want to add for you (and for anyone reading this) that things like that diagnosis of so-called “schizophrenia” are not genetic!! But whatever your brother went through in childhood must not have been good…. Again, I’m wishing you the best — on your healing journey!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
Thank you I appreciate you. Are you okay? I’m assuming you mean your brain is fried from answering many comments but I don’t think you should exhust yourself if that’s the case.
All good — just tired!
Daniel
Okay i see. Rest well! Wish you the best at what you’re doing.
Hey Daniel,
Hope you’re doing wonderful.
Do you think it’s okay to say that all pain in life comes from childhood trauma?
It’s a very hopeful statement. Do you think it’s true?
Hi Rosie,
No, I think there is pain that can come from adulthood too — but I do think even that pain is usually experienced through the lens of unresolved childhood trauma, and often amplified by it…
Daniel
Hi Daniel, you are a breath of fresh air on psychology YouTube, so grateful for your openness and authenticity that is so rare to find in this world, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing yourself.
I’m kind of in a sticky place and would love to hear your thoughts. I’m trying to heal but accepting the harm done to me also means accepting the harm I’ve caused to others, which is proving almost impossible. I was treated like an emotionless object in childhood, so subconsciously that’s how I’ve treated myself and others. I know I’ve had a pattern of causing a great deal of serious harm to others, especially when black-out drunk (I guess this is because our subconscious beliefs take over? idk), many of whom I’m no-longer in contact with and who I don’t think would benefit from/want to hear an apology from me. They are good people who didn’t deserve any of it. Whenever I think about it I get intense guilt/shame pangs which cause me to continue the dissociation and self-neglect, as I’m struggling to simultaneously believe that I chose to do those things and am still deserving of embarking on a healing journey, as it just feels like I’m minimising the harm, and when I look at it in the context of my own trauma I just feel like I’m making excuses. Yet, I also know if I continue to not accept the reality of the situation somehow as well as practice self-love for the first time I’ll inevitably continue to be dissociated and therefore cause harm in one way or another.
Do you recommend trying to unpack our own trauma before facing the trauma we’ve caused to others to try to get understanding of where our undesirable behaviour comes from? Or is that just attempting to excuse the inexcusable?
Do you think there’s any way to begin to build a healthy self-image and become pro-social if we’ve already so badly breached our own moral guidelines? Especially when society labels you as an abuser, how can I see myself in a different light, or should I even?
I know it’s heavy but there doesn’t seem to be much help out there for people like me and I don’t know how to move forwards in getting my life on track.
Sorry for the length of the message, yet to find a decent, nonjudgmental therapist that would get to the root of my issues instead of just labelling me with a personality disorder, thanks again
Hi MH,
Greetings. You asked: “Do you recommend trying to unpack our own trauma before facing the trauma we’ve caused to others to try to get understanding of where our undesirable behaviour comes from?”
Sorry for my short answer (I’m exhausted at the moment), but I would say yes. I mean, perhaps some things you have done might need to be faced first, but ideally it’s best to at least have a good handle on what happened to you first, so you can have some context for understanding your own acted-out behavior. I explored this to a degree in my self-therapy book “From Trauma to Enlightenment.” If you look at your acted-out behavior out of context there’s just the risk of seeing yourself as inherently bad, and not as a wounded child who was repeating some version of what was done to you.
I’m wishing you the best!
Daniel
Hey, Daniel.
How are you doing?
I am sorry but this is gonna be a long message and I hope you read it, and share your thoughts.
2 months ago I moved to a different country for education.
For last 20+ years of existence, I’ve been miserable. Always confused, anxious, suicidal at certain parts of my life, maybe depressed, and I don’t know what else. I always thought something was wrong, but couldn’t figured it out. So, about a month ago, I started reading more and more stuff to figure out what’s wrong.
Read a lot of self-help books. Came across “The Mountain is You”, it led me to reading more about childhood trauma, and healing the inner-child. Then I read “How to Heal Your Inner Child: Overcome Past Trauma and Childhood Emotional Neglect by Simon Chapple”
Reading that book, I realized some of the things that happened in my past, but they didn’t make complete sense. I was discussing all this stuff with my friend, who suffered from a lot of stuff at home as well.
I told him some of the stuff about my mother, and he said “it sounds like a case of narcissistic behavior, explore it a bit”
So, I read some more stuff, and came across a book about “Covert Narcissism.”
And holy sh-t. Everything in my life just made sense. It all connected.
I was always made to feel like I wasn’t enough. I was abused physically by her whenever I did anything which she didn’t like at all. She wanted me to “save her”. Everything was about her. My grades were basically how she presented herself in front of her peers. She was never proud of me. She never once told me she loved me. I was always so scared to disappoint her. My life had no meaning. Every choice I took was just so I could please her, get her approval in life, which I never did. She used religion as a tool to control me. She always used to say “Parents are like Gods, you should worship me”. Literally. I could never get close to her emotionally. She made me incapable of functioning without anxiety. Ever since I was a kid, she bombarded me with the negative world view, and how scary it was outside the house. I was always terrified of living. But even after all that I managed to somehow get away from my home, to a different country. I couldn’t never reason with her. She’d throw child-like tantrums. Give me silent treatment. There’s so much stuff that I could write a novel about it. She ticks EVERY point of the narcissistic personality disorder. She made put infinite pressure onto me to succeed. I could get 98% score, and she’d still say I’m not good enough. She manipulated my whole life in very clever ways, which I did not realize until last week. And I’m still discovering stuff. This is like the tip of the ice-berg. She made me hate my grandma because my grandma loved me and realized something was wrong with my mom. She made up lies about her. So also told me fake stories about dad, so I’d be on her side. There’s sooooooo much. I’m journaling about it.
I also realized that I had developed the “Parental Rescue Fantasy” because of your video.
Now, I have an older sister. And it turns out she’s a narcissist as well. My mother cut-off emotional connection with her when I was born.
My sister despised my existence. I thought about connecting with her multiple times…but there was nothing to connect with. She manipulated me my whole life to get the work done. She knew I wanted her approval, after all she was my sister. So, she’d provide me with approval only when she wanted to get work done. She made me hate myself. Destroyed my self-image. She constantly made me feel inferior and she makes sure that everyone knows how great she is (even though she has nothing to show for). Social media definitely feeds into her ego a lot. She doesn’t have any empathy. Whenever I tried to explain any tough situation I was in, she just laughed and shifted the topic to herself like “oh look at me, we have the same abusive mother, but I’m so happy in life, you should learn from me, I’m perfect.” I broke my ankle a few years ago, I was in pain, full of tears. She stood there, hysterically laughing at me. Who does that?! I don’t wanna speak too much about her, but she has like 7 out of 9 personality traits of NPD. She has a boyfriend, who is exactly like my dad (someone who can be easily manipulated…and I feel bad for him. I don’t want him to marry her. His life will be ruined. How do I save him?
So, both my sister and my mom. NPDs. Broke me for last 20+ years.
My dad…classic enabler. Wasn’t at home much. Focused too much at work. Always tried to keep things “peaceful”, which made it very easy for my mom and my sister to manipulate him. I saw it happening so much as a kid, but I never understood what was happening. Why he kept getting stepped over by both of them? I’d ask him, he’d just smile and say “it’s okay they’re family”. He justified my mom’s behavior my saying she’s broken because of her parents, and my sister is broken because of my mom. He tried to stop my mom at times, but it never really worked. He has suffered from a heart attacked and survived cancer. I see now, how badly my mom and my sister has fucked his life up. I see it every day. I remember every moment. It pains me to see how he is unable to free himself because of what the society will say if he tries to save himself.
My sister and my mother pretty much just fight for “power” at home nowadays. And somehow my sister comes on top. She’s more extroverted, and knows how to get work done.
They both just throw tantrums.
It’s so toxic.
They’re both parasites.
I NEVER felt comfortable at home. I was constantly anxious. All the fights. My dad and my mom, my sis and my mom. and I’d just be locking myself in my room. Feeling like crap.
I tried talking to my dad. He understands everything. But he can’t see through all the manipulations, and even if he does, he’s just too scared to do anything about it. He’s old now. I feel like it’s too late for him to confront all his traumas. He’s living in the fantasy that he can fix them. He wants me to compromise as well. But I don’t want to.
I haven’t talked to my mother ever since realizing all this.
I tried talking to my sister about our mom (before I realized she was just like her), and her reaction was pretty much “who cares about you? i’m happy, i have a ‘perfect’ life.’
Also, you know what she said? “Don’t commit suicide over all this.”
I have so much bottled up emotions. I am in a new country. Pretty much alone. I have university lectures to attend. I have exams. I am financially dependent upon my dad. My housing situation is a bit uncertain.
I cried a lot in past 1-2 weeks. Way more than I ever did before. My mom used to make me shut up by using violence whenever I cried as a kid. She’d say that if I cried, she’d hit me harder, which she did. 🙂
So I had stopped crying for 15+ years.
But, now I finally did.
I still feel like there’s so much more to come, I feel like choking sometimes from these emotions.
I have so much to say, there’s no one to listen. I can’t connect with anyone I know in real life.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t even know if you will read all this, but it feels like a relief just to get this off my chest.
Hi Justin,
I read it — and it’s public so I guess others will too. I’m really wishing you the best. I hope you take things slow — a lot of awareness about the horrors of our childhood can be overwhelming. Mostly I hope you really take good care of yourself — be a good parent for yourself. Very gentle!!
Yes, I’m wishing you the best, Daniel
I have at times, nowadays, trouble breathing.
You know how when you cry, your voice/breath kinda breaks? I’m not sure how to describe it. But usually when I try to take a deep breath, I can’t. It gets stuck. It’s the similar feeling to when we cry and try to breath. It’s like stutter breath whenever I try to deeply inhale. I felt the same when I was stuck at home for months with my mom.
I even went to a doctor, they gave me anti-allergies. But now I realize it’s not something physical. It’s related to all my emotions, and I don’t know what to do with it.
Can you suggest something?
Hi Justin,
Not sure what to say right now… I happen to be exhausted at the moment… I think it’s normal to have all sorts of unusual or unexpected physical reactions during the healing process… I’m really wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Hey,
I just wanted to know about the healing process. How do I know I’m making any progress? How do I get the self-destructive voices out of my head? How do I trust my instincts? How do I make sure I don’t fall back into the same pattern? How do I manage the emotions even though logically I know they’re because of a specific childhood thing?
I’m sorry for all these questions, but I don’t know I feel confused.
Like, there’s a girl I like but it’s not even attraction, I can feel I have feelings for her only because I want her to provide me with the missing motherly childhood emotional support. It’s a weird conflict between what I’ve known/wanted my whole life and what I logically know now because of all the things I’ve recently realized.
Any suggestions?
Thank you.
Hey Daniel,
I dont really want to talk about all of the interesting things i learned from your videos and how much i can relate to everything you are saying. I wanted to ask you regarding going to University for Psychology.
I always have had academic problems and I dont see myself doing anything with what i learned in school. (apart from music).
I just finished highschool and i didnt learn any biology or anything that has to do with psychology or psychotherapy. I saw the courses that the University offer and there is so much Biology and Neuroscience. Im not sure how all of that is connected to what I want to learn from all of this. I get how its important to learn the base of everything, but I have had trouble concetrating on those “base” things and always wanted to get to deeper into topics that I think are interesting and rellevant for me.
Do you have some tips for how i should approach this. I can be very concetrated in my work, but i will have to trade that with my social life. I tend to get very distracted and attached to people when i socialize a lot (caused by trauma probably).
Before i will start learning im thinking of going to a place completly disconnected from family or friends, where I go on hikes, read books, journal e.t.c and go through the grieving proccess that i so desperatly need. The only person who is stopping me from doing that is myself. A part of me doesnt want to leave Germany, but I know I have to…
Would love to hear your opinion on it and thanks for the stuff on youtube and your books
Dan
Hi Dan,
Well, I don’t see neuroscience and biology as being at the root of psychology. I see our true spirit and our unresolved traumas as being much more important. That’s probably why I would hate studying psychology in university — and why I hated the one psychology class I took.
I think your idea about going hiking and being alone and journaling, if that calls to you, sounds like a good idea. I know such things can be stressful, though, so I hope you go gently with yourself, and don’t push yourself too hard emotionally, whatever it is you choose to do. I wish you the best — Daniel. P.S. I made a video on Neuroscience, called: “A Critique of Neuroscience — As It Relates to Psychological Healing From Trauma”. Perhaps you already watched it though… https://youtu.be/JAl1f1ScJHE
Hello Daniel.
First of all I’d like to thank you for doing what you’re doing. In a time that becomes more focused on diagnosis, prescription drugs and CBT by the day (at least – here in Sweden) it’s nice to have a voice of reason to fall back on. I’ve recently gone through abusive therapy number 4 and I can’t express in words just how much your content has helped me. Even such a seemingly trivial thing as listening to your songs on repeat on Spotify while laughing at the absurdity of the mental health field with a friend has made a difference!
I have a question, regarding grief. It’s more of a personal one than a strict theoretical one, I hope you don’t mind; I went through my latest bout of traumatization in May this year. I’ve been living with more or less acute stress ever since and other things in my life has been affected as a result of this, which had led to even more stress. Initially, I tried to use my regular vagus nerve exercises that always worked like a charm on my poor nervous system, but for some reason it only managed to make it worse that time. I took a break from them and now, when my circumstances have mostly improved, I decided to try them again. After an hour or so of doing it I broke down crying. Longer than I’ve ever cried in my life (and I’ve begun my fourth decade on this Earth), with the help of a friend it managed to subside after about two and a half hours! I tried it again yesterday and the crying started again.
I sort of have a hunch that I’m on the right track, that grief is finally beginning to show itself? The problem is that it’s absolutely awful and painful, which I guess it’s supposed to be. But I don’t like it and it feels like I now have to choose between a hyperaroused nervous system and crying for hours and emotionally, I don’t know which I prefer. As a result, I’m now extremely reluctant to do my vagus exercises, at the same time, my very goal has been grieving! Is there a way to let it out more gently? Is there something I can do to ease the torment for myself? Is there a right and a wrong time to grieve?
Realized that was a lot of questions, pardon in advance. 🙂
Best regards,
Cat
Hi Cat,
Hmm, I’m not sure what to say!!! My gut vibe is that only you can have the answer to this — and that maybe taking a step back, or trying to find a way to take a step back, can give you some perspective on what is best for you. Maybe journaling about it??
My personal thought is this, from my own experience: yes, grieving and healing is good and has been good for me and has ultimately been the only thing that saves my life, but not at the cost of driving myself nuts or ruining my health!!! So– all things in moderation–
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Your video delving into the world of the highly gifted individual, Blind Tom, struck a profound chord with me. My venture into university at a tender age has brought about a peculiar sense of isolation, possibly rooted in severe past physical and emotional traumas from various people. Despite seeking solace through therapy and encountering adverse effects from psychiatry, I find myself drawn to exploring dissociation as a coping mechanism.
Approaching my 19th birthday while gearing up for a Ph.D., I can’t help but ponder how highly gifted individuals navigate burnout without resorting to dissociation. It prompts me to wonder if their exceptional output might be intertwined with elements of dissociation. Personally, I don’t know how long I can keep achieving things since, what’s the point? Doctors used to say I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Yet, I can no longer, unfortunately, trust mental health services. I am achieving things out of habit, but I can easily derail my life. Have you ever felt this way?
Moreover, I’m aware of the profound isolation stemming not just from personal battles but also from the broader struggle against societal injustices. I firmly believe that you, your subscribers, your advocates, and I stand united as allies in the journey of embracing our uniqueness and humanity. Your content has been instrumental in fostering this sense of camaraderie and understanding. Please don’t forget about all of your allies.
And take care of yourself, anyone who is reading this.
Sincerely,
just a European girl who trully appreciates your work
Thanks Violet,
I appreciate your words. Hmm…you wrote: “I am achieving things out of habit, but I can easily derail my life. Have you ever felt this way?” I’m not sure I feel I can easily derail my life — but I definitely feel on the border of overwhelmed from time to time!!! Those times, I need to find ways to relax more and not push myself so hard — take more breaks, spend more time with friends, get out in nature more… Sometimes I need to get off the internet more too…
I’m wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Daniel,
Excellent work you’ve done; I’ve been without contact from my folks for over four months, for the first time in 9 years. That was back when I believed in the soft “science” of clinical psychology, and was in therapy with a so-called professional. My mother first had me going to a shrink ~age 8-10; which now I look at doing that to children as something like, is abuse too strong a word?
Your work and Thomas Szasz’s, particularly “The Myth of Mental Illness”, have changed my perception of the whole industry. I also love Nietschze, and anything that disputes the latest version of the DSM haha
Hey daniel,
i noticed that i can no longer find your video “Mild Sexual Abuse of Daughters by Fathers” on youtube that you did a few years ago. did you delete it or made it private?
personally, as part of the other videos you made about incest, it was quite profound and a friend of mine found it quite eye opening in regards of her relationship with her father.
Hi Roman,
I took it down because I was getting overwhelmed with the negative comments, the attacks. I just didn’t have the energy for it — it was draining me. Part of me would really like to put it up, because I stand by what I said, but part of me just feels I have my limits 🙁 🙁
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I would be interested to watch this video, do you have a private link to it?
No, I don’t have a private link at this point…
Daniel
Hi daniel, i’m really sorry to hear that. This is an unfortunate downside of reaching so many people with a powerful message. A lot of YouTube creators deal with way too much negativity and some indeed stop because of attacks and threats (which are scary).
But what about disabling comments on this video? It’s not perfect but can work. Or maybe a blog post that summarizes the key ideas with no option of commenting? I’m suggesting these because I also stand by your ideas and think it applies also for mothers and sons (at least somewhat with my mother).
But obviously do what is best for you before anything else.
Thanks, roman.
Hi Roman,
Thanks for the idea. The only problem with disabling comments is that the people who would leave helpful and insightful comments don’t get to leave them, and the people who would leave the nasty comments just go to other videos and leave them them there… Basically, for now I just feel safer leaving the video down. But I will keep thinking about putting it back up!!! I recognize that it’s a shame to keep a video private if it has the possibility to help people… I wish I had more super-strength!!!
Daniel
haven’t thought about the perspective of reading the more useful comments and you are right since on almost every video i read a few good ones. indeed a downside. regarding the nasty comments, you are right people will go to other videos to write them but since it requires a bit more effort maybe it will be less. though going down from say 70 toxic comments to 15 while less are still jarring to the heart strings.
a bit off topic: out of all people, it’s almost funny that you wish for super strength while being probably one of the stronger willed and courageous people i know (through the internet at least). but i get where you are coming from. while personally i’m highly sensitive currently to almost anything, even for a highly healed person it’s hard not to react to hard or threatening things or words. i believe it’s part of being a real/full human. this brings me to think about the known phrase of “being thick skinned” or “having elephant skin”. i’ve been told this advice at least a few times during my life and i believe some emotional sensitivity and reactivity is indeed from unhealed trauma parts. but part of me doesn’t feel right with the notion that a human can or should be completely “stoic” and “cold” to every threat, terror, anger or toxic insult (though there are cultures like that). my guess is that people with “very thick skin” that don’t react to almost anything are simply dissociated because otherwise it is too painful. on the other hand, like in your video about the accident in Sumatra, i think there is a value in temporary dissociation for survival in the moment.
Roman.
Thanks for sharing this, Roman!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I am also very interested in the video. I have only discovered your work quite recently but have already read one of your books and watched a lot of your content. This video sounds like it could help me on my journey too. If you have an unlisted link, I would be very interested in viewing it.
Kind regards,
Natasha
Thanks Tash. I don’t have a private link at this point. I’m sorry about that…
Daniel
Hey Daniel, I’m hoping you will read this message so I’ll keep it as short as I can. I found you a few months ago and your work has helped me put things together. I had a first episode of psychosis and I’ve been through the mental health system, meds, diagnosis and everything. I have many bad things to say about it but I won’t do it here as you already point it out really well in your videos.
My main point of this comment is that I think my psychosis happened as a consequence of me not being emotionally independed from my mother. I am 28yo man and I think that what I experienced emotionally during what they label as psychosis was my first ever experience that did not involve my mother. Psychosis served a function for me to become an independed person emotionally as it pulled me away from her.
My mother is a nice person, really positive, nurturing, encouraging and knows how to listen but I think that she lives through her children. Not in a narcissistic way or not even rellying on her children on the surface but she helps us with life’s challenges by providing advice and emotional support. Little did I know that underneath this her helping us (oh and btw she is a therapist and she does therapy with her kids) is a dynamic of her needing to be in a position where she feels like she is the person helping us but unconciously she keeps us stuck to herself so she will never be alone. This dynamic is really challenging to unpack as the trauma is not that obvious but I can see I struggle with independence, money and relying too much on other people for approval and support.
I’ve watched almost all of your videos but I haven’t seen you mention emotional enmeshment or covert incest or anything like that. I read Alice Millers books but do you have any other suggestions on the dynamics where there is enmeshment and no clear boundries between family members.
Thanks in advance.
Hi Jean,
Greetings! Hmm, I guess I didn’t use the words “emotional enmeshment” or “covert incest,” but I would say I cover, or at least touch on, these topics in my videos on breaking from parents and also sexual abuse of sons by mothers… Also, one of the “slogans” in my book “from trauma to enlightenment” is “most incest never involves physical touch…” As for suggestions, I’m not sure exactly what to say, though some of things you described your mother doing don’t sound healthy or nice at all….especially doing therapy on her own children. Definitely a big no-no — can be VERY harmful… There’s a famous therapist who did that with her kids (I believed I referred to her in why book “Toward Truth”), and her name is Melanie Klein. If my memory is correct, her son ended up killing himself and her daughter publicly broke from her mother and excoriated her afterward. Yet Melanie Klein is still famous and revered today… What does that say about our world??? I’m wishing you the best! Daniel
Thank you for your answer Daniel, you are a treasure! 🙂
Hi Daniel! I’m 20, still pretty new to psychology, self exploration and meditation. I’ve been watching a few of your videos, and what you’re saying and talking about resonates with me a lot. I wanted to ask about something-
What do you define Trauma as?
Looking back at my childhood, I can say with confidence that I was never physically or sexually assaulted by anyone in any way. But, when I look at my current life, the depression I struggled with for a while, and just generally the relationships I’ve been in recently, I can get the feeling that something just isnt right. I feel like I am not very perceptive of my own emotions or good at journaling.
But, I also can’t think of any particular events growing up that may have shaped my worldview as it is now. I’ve never gone through anything that is super traumatic, so I’m not sure what to look for in my journaling process. How do I know what is and isn’t traumatic? Can something be emotionally traumatic so that part of your brain learns lessons that make it suffer more in life and never be able to really move on?
And, I know this is a bit long and I’m rambling, but what should I start with when journaling and learning to self reflect?
Hi Avery,
I have a video in which I define what I consider to be the eight types of psychological trauma: https://youtu.be/qD3PGGvASrI
Maybe you’d find this useful…
I also have a self-therapy book on this website that I sell for $5 — it’s sort of a journaling guide, if you’re interested… (It’s under the book section of this website.)
Also, on my Youtube channel, I have a few videos on journaling — you might find them useful if you search for “journal” or “journaling” there.
Wishing you the best!!
Daniel
Thank you so much! I honestly didnt even expect you to reply to me! I will check these out shortly
Hi, Daniel! Love all your videos 🙂 I was wondering if you are able to record more videos outside? I remember watching one and it was incredibly relaxing. Maybe this is hard now during winter, but I was hoping for something closer to summertime.
Hi Evan,
I wish I could record outside — but I am living in New York City now…and have no access to outside… I often barely even have a place to record inside!!! Daniel
hi. I just discovered you about three days ago on YouTube. I have been searching for you for 68-69 years (Sept 16, 70th BD). I am you. You are me (in so many, many, many ways.) I have never emailed anyone regarding how I was created as the person I was, and then finally became. I have WAY too much to say without writing a novel (or 3). Psychiatrists, therapists, case workers, psychologists and very close personal friends, I have had. However, I never found a person that could begin to understand the 24/7 fear, anxiety, guilt and manipulation that molded me into an alcohol and drug-abusing, self-loathing, self-destructive, relationship-destroying borderline sociopathic kid into an alcohol and drug-abusing, self-loathing, self-destructive, relationship-destroying borderline sociopathic adult. I’m fairly certain that we will never have a conversation that I have been looking for, and quite honestly, I no longer need to have. I always tried to find someone or something to fix me. I finally realized I needed to fix myself. I feel extremely lucky to have done this. I do not believe in religion or god thing but I have to say “thank god” I found out how, why, when and where I came from. None of the experts could know what it took 17 years of my childhood to create. Recalling Incidents or specific actions in therapy, although plentiful, was like reading a table of contents but not the book. It took 69 years to be content with myself and my life. I just wanted to tell somebody but until you, there was nobody to tell. I was happy as a clam and the favorite of my mother. I had two sisters and mom did not like girls. The men in our family did not like boys. Mom was put in a mental institution, paranoid schizophrenia, when I was 6 in second grade. To say my life changed, who and what it made me, could never be explained or understood until you. Both sisters taken to live with other people so I was left alone with daddy. 6’4″, 275 lbs. weightlifter, martial artist with background in psychological terror training in ww2, with narcissistic personality disorder. (how’s that) Next ten years I lived alone with dad. Im just healing at this late age and pleased to have not become a serial something. Bob
p.s. the entire story of my life is insane.
Thank you Robert! Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I was just wondering, have you ever worked, or had experience with people with learning disabilities? What are your thoughts on this topic?
Best,
Greg
I just got a vasectomy today. Resting up nicely. I have no children and in 4 months will find out if I’m sterile. I think I would have made this decision without your influence, but you helped me go through with it with confidence. Thanks for that.
My question would be, what are your thoughts on adoption? I think this would be a great topic for a video as well.
Only a small percentage of men get a reversal of their vasectomy, and I will not be one of them, but I could see a very small possibility of adopting a child if I had the means and felt I was psychologically and emotionally healthy enough and with a healthy and loving partner. If that were true, in theory, wouldn’t that be preferable to a child being in foster care or maybe being assigned to unhealthy parents?
Interested in hearing your thoughts on the topic. Thanks.
Hi Brian,
Well, I did write an essay on adoption back in 2006: https://wildtruth.net/adoption-is-not-the-enlightened-way-to-have-children/
I think it covers some of my ideas on the subject, though I’d probably express them differently now…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thank you for this website and for sharing your journey and thoughts. They’ve helped me so much. I feel like I come from very different experiences compared to yours, but I think because of that, it’s actually helped me realise where I differ and where some of my denial and dissociation and distortions are in my thinking. I’m 20 and it’s come to my attention that uhhh I am very dissociated and in a lot of emotional pain that I have not quite resolved because I was and am still kind of a child BUT I NEVER REALISED IT my entire life. It’s in the zeitgeist nowadays, all the talk about the inner child. And I was diagnosed with OCD, so I was very desperate to heal and find the root of my issues, so I dutifully went about with trying to access and heal my inner child, but guess what – I couldn’t find one. It’s very difficult for me to access her. So I just want to preface with that, because I am very wounded still, and I think that can provide some context with an essay/rant I have written below, which I hope to get some of your thoughts on:
When do all animals have sex/reproduce?
When naturally the seasons are ideal and resources are plenty and there is safety and security – in their environment and in themselves (confidence in their adult abilities to survive and regulate, in order to pass these skills onto children). Experientially this comes in the form of a feeling of absolute certainty and safety (not actually true certainty, just a sense of it, which can be achieved perceptually). Plus (with bravery and the peeling away of denial) a recognition of truly feeling capable of self-regulating/maintaining life – the markings of adulthood, of being sexually mature also.
However in the modern world we have synthetic drugs (actual drugs, behavioural addictions, fancy houses, status, overabundant food, dissociative self-help books, social media ego boosters etc.) to emulate this condition in ourselves and our environments, even when the conditions are the opposite of what is ideal for reproduction. Therefore people have children in less than ideal conditions and these children are then promptly neglected by their parents who are still mentally children but don’t realise it because they are so drugged up by their perceived synthetic ‘ideal’ conditions, and so in these fake conditions they feel the need to reproduce. So these children end up sick and twisted and awful in adulthood, and it really isn’t their fault. So much of humanity has been due to this, and we therefore turn out to be exactly the same as macaques that have undergone ethically dubious, left-field, unnatural science experiments.
So no, most people are NOT their most natural selves by “being themselves” in modern society. Most of us are very much experimentally skewed macaques, because we are using our natural instincts to adapt to rapidly changing unnatural environments. We are natural in the sense that everything we do has logic and is reasonable and comes from naturally selected and evolved drives, but that does not mean, in the context of modern society, the OUTCOME is natural. What I’m saying is that it is not necessarily healthy when we reasonably, even organically, adapt to unnatural conditions. In order to revert to nature, we must seek an environment of true nature to adapt to, the order of nature to adapt to.
That’s why nature helps us orient ourselves to health and we can’t explain it but it just does. Because it revolutionises our environmental conditions, illuminates who we truly are as we now have a frame of reference in nature. And it gets rid of all the drugged up artifice of our synthetically ‘ideal’ conditions.
But the world population is plateau-ing, because not even the synthetic simulacra of reproductive conditions we have made for ourselves is truly enough to replace wholesale nature. Junk food vs whole food is both a metaphor and manifestation of this. Not even synthetic ideal conditions can sufficiently get enough people to feel the need to reproduce. This is corroborated by demographic transition theory.
Original Demographic Transition Theory (Four Stages):
Stage 1 – Pre-Industrial: In this stage, both birth rates and death rates are high. Populations tend to remain stable, with modest growth due to high birth rates compensating for high death rates.
Stage 2 – Transitional: As societies undergo industrialization, death rates begin to decline due to improved healthcare, sanitation, and food production. Birth rates, however, remain high, leading to rapid population growth.
Stage 3 – Industrial: In this stage, birth rates begin to decline as well. Economic and social changes, increased access to family planning, and greater urbanization contribute to smaller family sizes.
Stage 4 – Post-Industrial: Both birth and death rates are low, resulting in a stable or slowly growing population. Modern industrialized societies typically fall into this stage.
Stage 5: Some scholars have proposed the addition of a fifth stage in which birth rates fall below death rates, leading to population decline. This stage is often associated with advanced industrialized nations where fertility rates have dropped significantly.
So we are so dissociated, and we are so far away from nature. From Dao. I’m Chinese-Australian so maybe I just like drawing on my roots. But why does so much of our literature, philosophies, widespread core conceptions of the world, have these strange presuppositions of dichotomising humans and other animals? It’s least pronounced in science, but it still infiltrates most parts of it. But it’s most definitely in the humanities, in philosophy, in religion, in the ways that we truly make decisions as collectives. As if we aren’t motherfucking animals. Like what the fuck is truly special about us compared to other animals? We assign meaning to ourselves, and I think this reason is okay and healthy and good. But otherwise, any intellectualised or rationalised or actively argued reason to hold humans in higher esteem over any other life form is contrived and duplicitous. Because logically, nothing really makes us more special than other animals, but somehow that truth has become a taboo. And why has it become a taboo? Because we have changed our environment so much that we have literally become dissociated and amnesic to our natural homeostatic states in the natural environments we were evolved to be adapted to. So many of us are obese – a distinctly 21st Century epidemic that we’ve forgotten is the outcome of not protecting our primitive hard-wiring against overwhelmingly novel and absurd and strange environments. We are so naturally adapted to unnatural environments that we have forgotten what it was like to be adapted to natural environments, and how that original state would be very much congruent, homologous, with the states of other animals.
But we are in too deep. To try the conventional wisdom of truly returning collective society to “wilderness and nature” is foolish. Regressive primitivism is dangerous – it ignores why humans have a drive to transform our environment in the first place, how the unnatural is also ultimately natural. Primitivism hurts all of us. But also, the most natural thing is to finish up all this mess. To see this experiment through, to see self-annihilation through. To face death. We’ve had enough time playing and making in the sandbox of life. Maybe it’s time for us to finish our self-administered course of anti-human antibiotics. If we truly can’t stop climate change, even with the biggest efforts we can manage given the circumstances, then we truly can’t stop it. The culture has already caught on, right? It is what it is. We laugh about this shit. Laugh through the pain. That is natural. Then once again adaptive radiation can occur. Writing about this in a prescriptive tone is a fucking lie, because all of it is inevitable descriptively deterministic truth.
And I complain about these big issues, not because I truly fucking care. It’s because I’m suffering and so neurotic and plagued with so much guilt within my own personal life that I project that shit outwards. Because I am ultimately just another animal struggling to be healthy and homeostatic in the conditions I find myself to be in.
I would love to be optimistic. But that would be insane. I am 20 years old. My generation, all of us have tried optimism, way too young. That’s what we are taught. Because the teachers tell us about Al Gore and climate change and how it is up to us and it is our personal responsibility to change shit, since primary school. But I know all of us contend with this – this Sisyphian need to reach our ideals of optimism and effort and change and responsibility and accountability, but forever being drawn down by the gravity of nihilism and dystopia. That is my generation. Gen Z. So much anger at the older generations, at the boomers. I could write pages upon pages about why, about how the older generations essentially parentified us. To solve the issues that they created and have complexes and guilt and denial (see climate change denial like WTF) about. I know I’m generalising about people but I’m angry and I’m irrational and I’m letting myself be for now. Because these are the issues and the world we never chose to be born into, but have to accept responsibility for now, because we have no choice but to accept it, because we want to save ourselves, if not others. I am cynical. I am heartbroken. I am torn. I am isolated and separated and mentally ill. I am distracted. I am dissociated. That is normal but not natural. I don’t know what to do. I am barely able to stop myself from hurting others because I am so wounded myself. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to heal, but I’m at the very early stages, if I can even say that. I have OCD, I have anger issues. I don’t know what to do. But maybe secretly I do. So I’ll just keep going. I just need a little bit of hope.
So I guess my ideas are a bit all over the place, but… thoughts?
Thank you!
Mary
Hello Daniel Mackler,
In your video about Dementia, you mention people having a lifestyle of forgetting what happened to them. Now I don’t know, but I get the sense that you don’t mean actually forgetting the events of their life (although it could end up like that?), but more forgetting the experience, or the emotional truth of their life? Is there anyplace you’ve described this distinction more? I know in Alice Millers books she talks about people laughing off their traumas, or acting like they don’t matter, and almost congratulating themselves for that attitude. What’s the difference between remembering in a dispassionate way, and truly remembering? See, I have trouble finding the right words to even ask.
Hi Jack,
Hmm, good question. Perhaps people forget their childhood history of having been mistreated or neglected, and also forget the ways in which they acted out that mistreatment or neglect on others… Or perhaps people remember certain parts of it and forget others… But I think blocking out their emotions and their emotional history and their emotional responses is part of it.
Daniel
Good afternoon Daniel,
Thank for for your videos on YouTube. It is nice to hear someone talk as you do. I understand that you are very busy, but maybe if you have some videos that could pount me in the right direction I would appreciate it. I’m going to just say some stuff about myself and see if it rings any bells for you. I have been trying to figure out myself for over half of my life. I have about a handful of memories from when I was 6-7 years old and before that, none. I know this because I was almost 7 when we moved to California from new york, and I just go off my new york memories to tell my age. I noticed around 11 to 12 when my parents split up that I was becoming less engaged at school and with friends. I seldom hung out with friends outside of school although I wished I could have. I did not hang out with anyone outside of school after 7th grade when I switched schools to go to 8th. I had friends in school still, but I did continue to do poorly and got in trouble a couple times. I remember always trying to get out of going to school even in the 1st grade. I think I went to two different schools for 1st. One for 2nd, 3rd, 4th. Another for 5th, 6th, 7th and another for 8th. I went to three different highschools from 9th-10th and ended up just getting my GED because I never went pretty much. I tried college and stopped early on. Tried again when I moved to NY with my mom and stopped early on. Tried one last time four years later and did well with a 4.0 but found I didn’t want to be what I was going to college for so I stopped that after a couple semesters. That is my school history. My relationship(friends, gf’s) history is about as messed up as that. Supposedly when I was little maybe 2-5 I always pushed kids away and was mean. I wouldn’t share and would tell them to go away and would freak out if my brother invited neighbor kids over to play with our stuff or have our snacks etc. We grew up wealthy and had everything. Besides my one friend Matt who I rode dirtbikes with and I’d hang out on weekends sometimes with, I could probably count on two hands the total times I hung out with people outside of school. I just was not good at having friends outside of school but I had friends in school, I don’t know why. My dad was never really home growing up, he was always working doing his doctor thing. If I saw him it was at about 7pm and we went to bed a little bit after. He was not hard on me and I could do no wrong. He let me do and have everything I wanted. From what I can see now, he lies often, is full of pride and I think may have some sort of issue. He even bought famous painting reproductions and would sign them as his own work. Would talk about things he knows little about in a way that would have others believe him, even if I knew he was wrong. He has no reason to lie, he went to University of Pennsylvania and then Stanford for medical school. He came from nothing, dirt floors no running water in Mexico to the U.S. and only got his citizenship in 1983. Graduated medical school in 1985 and has been doing well since. He loves to spend money and have the best of anything. To me, he makes poor financial decisions but what do I know? My mother is an alcoholic and has been my entire life. I don’t think I have any memory of her growing up when she wasn’t drinking, puking and couldn’t take me to school, fighting and yelling with my dad, or where it seemed like I was having fun around her. I remember crying a lot not wanting to be around her and wanting to go to my dad’s. My dad coached us on what to say to the psychologist so that he would win custody of us in the divorce. If I go over to her house to visit nowadays, I am usually scolded atleast a couple times for doing silly things like not putting something back exactly where it goes or putting my shoes in the wrong spot etc. She freaks out a lot. She still drinks and does gummies all the time. As for friends, I haven’t had many except for one that has lasted. His name is nick and his mom and my mom have been friends for a long time. We are also the same age. He was my friend in NY when I left and would visit CA sometimes to see me. When I came back we were still friends so I am glad to have him. I have had some work friends if I was working at a place where there are other young people but I have lost contact with them over the years and after switching jobs. It seems like I am good at making friends if I am around people like at a job, but I don’t really have friends outside of work, just like how it was in school. I’m not shy either, I have taught myself to not be shy after highschool. Then comes the relationships with girls. I never really had any luck in highschool but a couple years after, I turned out to be attractive and athletic was blessed in other areas(sorry, but I am painting a picture). I taught myself to not be shy, to have confidence and to be funny. I never had a problem hanging out with girls and it seemed like they were the only “friends” I could make and hold for an extended period of time and hang out outside of work. I was good at flirting and I see that this is probably because they were attracted to me which gave me a foot in the door and I would take the opportunity because I of course wanted a friend. These would turn into relationships if at work or school, if it was an app it could have been a relationship or just a fling. Ot all depended what the girl wanted usually. I usually always would have hung out again. My first “relationship” was with my babysitter/cook/housesitter when my dad would travel away for the week and my brother and I were alone. She was ten years older than I but I really liked her and I hung out with her all the time because she was the only person around. We ended up fooling around a couple times but nothing crazy. I became very attached and when she eventually left I was devastated. I remember being sad constantly. I acted pretty crazy and threw fits and acted out when the fun part of hanging out went away, when she said she couldn’t hang out with me like that because she had a boyfriend. The second was a pretty short one, this very attractive girl named camryn was really into me at a family reunion/benefit, we were drinking and fooled around a bit. I went back to CA after and moved back to NY a month later to be with her. The entire time it was great talking to her, but we hung out twice and, being the naive kid I was, had no idea what I was doing or took any hints. I know she wanted one thing from me but I just wanted to hang out, and I didn’t get it and she broke my heart. Again, I was deeply saddened and I remember feeling so hopeless and my heart physically hurt in intense pain. It was horrible. The next was a longer term one, maybe 2.5 years on and off. I was in school and met this girl and we would hang out to study. Eventually we hung out not to study and it started into a relationship after that. I ran into problems when I freaked out over her going to hang out with her ex and I became pretty hurt after that. We broke up and got back together a couple months later and that lasted until I moved back to CA. She wasn’t for me though, it wasn’t a good fit. When I moved back to NY again I got a job at my old work and met a girl named Hannah. She was at first very fun, energetic and outgoing and I fell for her and wanted to be with her. We hooked up on the first time hanging out. That lasted for a couple months and then I found out she was also seeing some other guy bc he was going to school for something better than I was. I was hurt, spent 3 months rebuilding and it turns out with guy cheated on her and so she came back to me and was hanging out with me for the next 7ish months. I eventually found out she hung out with some guy in her dorm room and I freaked out. I told her to leave my house and go back to her dorm but she refused, we got in a verbal fight and then she got physical and I had a restraining order put on her. She saw me a couple times during that order and I felt bad for doing it. As a side note there were about 20 other girls I hung out with for a bit in between all of this but just hookups nothing significant. I always felt like everything was my fault with her and that I needed to make her feel better. In the meanwhile about 4 months after that, I met a girl named Kristie who was the realest friend of them all. I pretty much fell in love with her immediately because I felt I had found someone like me, a misfit. I couldn’t wait to hang out with her every day and fall asleep holding her every night. But Hannah kept in touch with me and kept pulling me back, I was very torn at the time. I developed a drinking problem during the first breakup with Hannah, and after the second breakup it became worse. When I met Kristie I was drinking maybe 300 to 400ml of vodka a night. The first time I took acid with her I stopped after that for I think 6 months. When I was with Hannah and happy there was almost no need to drink, the same goes for Kristie. Kristie was great but I would make her sad when I was sad about Hannah. I didn’t think about how it made her feel. Kristie and I went on for a couple years until the last year my alcohol use had skyrocketed and I became very mean and hard to be around constantly verbally hurting her and making her feel bad. I don’t remember but she told me. I now find myself sober for the first month ever, and after about a year of telling myself I will quit every day. Kristie moved out in early July and it is October. I find myself desperately missing her and thinking of her all the time. I have never been this sad in my life. When I was with her and things were good and I wasn’t drinking I had never felt so at home, comfortable, at peace. I never had someone in my corner like her, so unconditionally loving and loyal. I put her through everything and she stuck by me hoping for me to get better. Now I am here. Sober, working out again and eating better. I still was working during all of this and still have my job. I am trying to find my hobbies again and I would like to find friends again too. My greatest wish is to give Kristie the version of me she fell in love with, the sober me. I am so sorry to have fell off the horse like I did.
Do you have any idea what might be a good path to help me? I have issues with noises as someone with autism might have but I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I am a narcissist but I don’t do a lot of the things they do. I wonder if I have borderline personality but I am not sure. I wish to not have this trust issue anymore, I would like to learn more to control my emotions and figure out how to be more “normal” socially speaking. It is a lonely life full of pain when pretty much your best friend is only there for as long as the relationship. I would like to learn to make the relationship last, and if I can, do it right with Kristie again. She is just perfect in every way I can’t even begin to tell you. I thought I was in love with the others but Kristie is something else. Thank you for your help and sorry for the long read. I am 26 now and would like to get on with my life and start being happy.
John
Hi Daniel,
I have this one problem that’s been sucking out any enjoyment from my life since a long time time now.
How do you deal with envy and jealousy?
I’m currently working full time and study part time, and moved out of my hometown I lived at my whole life a bit over a year ago. I live now in another country and use my second language in day to day life. I’d say I’m doing something I never thought I would manage to do, as I come from a small countryside place and come from quite underprivileged family with many problems. I didn’t have a good parent figure in my life, or really anyone who achieved anything, so in comparison to them I’m doing quite well.
But my problem now is the envy. I envy everything people have, and especially I envy person that’s the closest to me. My boyfriend and I literally come from two completely different backgrounds. Long story short, he comes from a wealthy family and had every single thing imaginable provided. Like, he comes from a family that buys like 30+ items during Christmas for their family of 4. Me on the other hand, I come from a poorer family where buying one more costly object or even renovating the kitchen was a luxury (kitchen is still old and gross looking btw). I have to work for all of the things I want and… it’s just hard.
I don’t want to compare myself to him, I know I should be happy about his happiness, celebrate his new comfortable job, but I just can’t. I deeply can’t enjoy any of his happiness because I’m so envious of every little thing. I don’t want to feel this way, but on the other hand, how can I not? He’s able to buy anything without saving up for it, eats two takeaways daily when I gift myself one takeaway weekly as a special treat. Stuff like that. So, how can I not feel this way? It makes complete sense why I would feel the way I do.
Please anyone, not just you Daniel. How would you cope? What can I even do to make it less painful, because it feels like I tried everything.
Thanks,
KA
Hi KA—
greetings!!! I’m totally swamped with life, but I did want to share that I made two videos on jealousy some years back. Maybe something in them applies to your situation???
https://youtu.be/gfl_KgewPeE
https://youtu.be/4ERYVJM0csE
Maybe others can jump in and share here too!!
Wishing you good things!
Daniel
Hi KA,
I just wanted to let know that I am from a household like your boyfriend’s. And shockingly, I’m on the same website asking questions about why I’m not happy with my life. Money isn’t all it made out to be, and as long as you’re happy you’re rich. I wish I grew up with less; nowadays I live like a monk basically to avoid being anything like my money and worldly possession obsessed family. I wouldn’t be jealous of anyone or think about how others grew up, I’d just try to be happy as you can with him and enjoy him for who he is now. I had every toy but my mother was an alcoholic and my father was never home. And I’m still not very happy at 26. Just don’t worry about it is what I’m trying to say because he didn’t get to choose where he was born and you didn’t get to either. But you guys can go on to make whatever future you want for yourselves and kids someday.
Hi John,
Many thanks for your response! I know money isn’t everything and even with that you can still be miserable. My boyfriend also doesn’t have it perfect despite having a lot around him, his dad was as well absent while he was growing up and his mom is/was quite mentally unstable and narcissistic. But in his case he says he’s happy, so that’s the only difference I guess.
I completely understand that no one can choose where they’re born, but I still think that coming from money gives you quite the advantage. You know, crying in a beautiful family house is just different to crying in an awful rented apartment shared with strangers. Don’t take me wrong please, I appreciate your response, but I also hear that money doesn’t matter only from people who actually have it.
Maybe money gives me such a headache because I work hard to get it and in the end I don’t even have anything from it. Also I’m incredibly exhausted both mentally and physically as the result. I’m sure if that wasn’t the case then I’d feel much better, but there’s not much I can do in my circumstances right now. I’m starting a new job next week though, so fingers crossed.
I just appreciate your honesty. That is a beautiful quality. To be conscious of one’s flaws is rare. I think that by admitting envy and jealousy in and of itself gives them less power to control you.
I myself have had wealth and poverty at various points in my life. When one has had wealth one realizes that it really isn’t that big of a deal and when one is poor one realizes it was nice to have wealth. Life is just so filled with adversity and unpredictabilities that one has to count on something other than riches for security.
Presently, I am poor, well, money poor and house rich and it feels fine. There is so much to life than money and possessions.
Hi Christine,
Thanks for your response!
Maybe I expressed myself poorly but it’s not only about “he as a toy I don’t”. He has financial security I don’t and that’s the biggest thing I envy him. It’s not so much about comfortable part of money, but about whether I’ll be able to pay for my school/bills… Well, maybe it is about comfortable part too, because I do manage to afford my rent and school paymenys, but at the end of that I have roughly 400 euro left for anything else. So including food for a whole month, medical emergencies, any small whims I might have and just anything that isn’t school/rent.
I don’t earn the money in an easy way, because the job I have is completely the opposite of what I’m comfortable with and how I would want to contribute to “society”. I just hate my job in other words, and it’s hard to do something you hate 5-6 times a week. That’s another thing I envy my boyfriend, a comfortable and well paid job. He gets to sit in his apartment for a whole day in front of a computer and earns a bunch from that, meanwhile I work a fast paced fast food job I have to unnecessarily commute to and just waste my time. It’s an exhausting job both mentally and physicality, plus there’s my crazy boss who’s trying to pay us as little as possible.
I don’t know where I’m going with this and I guess it was just a small rant? But I guess I also realized I should have a different job, hah.
Life would just be more enjoyable if I didn’t have to work a mentally draining job, then come back and have classes until 10pm, and all of that just to not be able to afford anything I really want or to save up as much as I want. That, plus dread of spending my money in a wrong way plus dreading that landlord will suddenly kick me and myflatmates out just because.
If not those things, then I would be happier. I guess.
yeah, agree that working in fast food would be horrible and glad to hear you have found other employment. I didn’t mean to make light of your seriously challenging situation.
Apologies if my comments came across as such.
You know, poverty is such a massive condition worldwide.
Some of the stats that I have seen are absolutely unbelievable. For example: 800 million individuals go hungry everyday; over 2 billion people live on 2 or less dollars every day; according to UNICEF 30,000 children die each day from poverty related issues.
Yeah poverty is everywhere and to be honest one does anything about it… Ireland for example, if you lose your housing then if a) you’re not an addict b) don’t have a child or c) you’re not an alcoholic, then the government just won’t do anything to help you. Every week there are dinners for homeless happening nearby my workplace and there’s just so many normal looking people coming… We also have this GRANNY coming in to my restaurant to hang out for hours because she’s homeless. The worst part is that she’s not dirty looking or anything, like you’d usually imagine a homeless person. So that means she became homeless only recently…
If people cared enough about helping others then world would look more normal, but we’re greedy… and until the greed exists we just won’t change. Also not teaching people empathy plays a big role, but I don’t know. It’s all just so complicated it makes me only angry!
Yes, we’ve got to counteract our lower inclination towards greed with our higher inclination towards empathy.
Hi KA!
Daniel and many other folks have offered very useful insight, perspective, and wisdom.
I hope to add to this by offering some resources and tools, as well as a bit of pragmatism that you can use right away.
PART 1
First I preface my offerings with an apology that I can only share from my Western Society, US perspective (having been born and raised here). That said my lens has been shaped by my being a witness to and consequence of my immigrant parents’ experiences. They arrived from an impoverished country and struggled in various ways to achieve stability, and to eventually learn to thrive in their own ways. They are fiscally secure though not necessarily fiscally wealthy by mainstream standards. My hope tinged fear is that no major economic upheavals unfold across their final decades (they’re in their 70s) to dissolve this stability and security. Seeing as, if that were to occur their quality of life and care in during their peak elder years would evaporate, and unfortunately my own fiscal & professional reality offers none of the security and stability that they’ve created. Not for lack of trying, I’m still working at that for myself despite various twists and turns in my life circumstances (health, professional, personal challenges, surprises, and disappointments).
The reality is that my parents cannot pass on their own stability and security to myself or my siblings. One reason for this is that the geographic locations where they’ve been able to reap the fruits of their decades of labor are a total mismatch for my being able to make the most of my peak earning and working years in my line of work. (This might change slightly with remote work being more accepted, but I’ll always require strong stabile solid internet service and connectivity, and likely also a major airport hub nearby wouldn’t hurt. These pre-determine my choices of where to live and study though I know a rural environment would be ideal for my health and well being.) Another reason is the excruciating cost burdens and parameters for access to medical care in a “broken” national approach to health policies and the industries that lord over what is possible and what isn’t. The last of the major reasons is that though my parents “made it” compared to so many of their compatriots back home, and compared to many who immigrated alongside them, everyone who took on this adventure paid social-cultural , familial, & personal-developmental costs, plus mental health or physical health or both costs at some point. Those costs have consequences that play out across a lifetime. And this costs and its consequence is that though my parents figured out how to become fiscally savvy, responsible, and astute with what they’ve generated, yet they never learned how to create, manage, and grow wealth from that. So though they “made it” and it will hopefully cover their needs and basic desires to support and share in small one-off ways with extended family or those less fortunate back home across their remaining lifetimes, they haven’t “made it” in a way that is transformative. Their efforts will die with them.
I used to be a very very very angry teen, and twenty something, because I sensed and knew this even before I could articulate it, or understand all the reasons why and how. (Decades later, and only most recently now in my forties have I been able to begin reckoning with and validating this reality.) In any case this anger in part propelled me through my education and the professional chances that have advance me forward and poised me to begin to build something lasting for myself and that I hope unlike my parents I will be able to deliberately redirect wealth through (AND gather others to teach better than I ever could wealth creation, management, and transmission).
I share all this to say. You might be confusing your envy and jealousy with anger, or it could all be mixed up together in a lovely ménage a trios. :). Like anger often reveals other hurts and feelings beneath it, perhaps your envy and jealousy have secrets to tell you. Befriend yourself, be gentle and patient. Be willing to take on the role of re-parenting yourself as you now can in ways your elders were and maybe are still not able to now. In doing so you will find a wellspring of appreciation, gratitude, respect, and pride in and for your own experiences.
PART 2
One tool that might help, cultivating a mindfulness meditation practice. I study and practice this and am hoping to deepen my understanding of offering this as a tool from a trauma-informed and sensitive approach. Not enough teachers or programs are out there that provide this in my opinion. The power of being aware of what’s going on with you letting it pass and bring your attention back to where you wish to place it is powerful. You are not practicing this to change, suppress, or bypass, what you feel or what you are experiencing. You practice to bring curiosity and a willingness to simply notice, and be a witness to yourself. In witnessing your thoughts, your emotions, and everything about you with gentleness, precision, and a willingness to let go, you find that great compassion and kindness arises. And in being able to give this to yourself, you’ll find it easier and easier to extend it to those around you. Give yourself a few months of practicing this before taking on anything else that I offer below.
The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness https://a.co/d/7jVnUp0
How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind https://a.co/d/8aPsYRu
The next thing I’d like to offer, is that once you’re able to hopefully slow down and ease up or cease vilifying yourself for your envy and jealousy. And these emotions begin to fade, transform, shift, or reveal other things, consider the conversations you might want to have with yourself and with your boyfriend about the dynamics of your relationship. Make sure that while you are busy building your kingdom, the care and respect for your intelligence, work ethic, time, talents, and frugality in managing your finances and resources in ways that further your goals and yourself are consistently being respected. There are no hard and fast rules to this. Yet open and honest conversation is the most powerful tool between two humans who respect, trust, appreciate, and love each other. Here is something else to help with those conversations.
I share this having learned the hard way, that there are horrifying imbalances still codified into law that disadvantage women in marriage. Stuff from the 1800s or earlier that are still on the books in North East United States. I also share this because aside from this, there are things in couple dynamics that can erode the most powerful bonds in a strong duo & loving healthy relationship, that if never discussed will do their damage and take their toll. Create the life you want, intentionally, rather than living out the autopilot of both of your histories.
Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home https://a.co/d/eDhsgd2
Hello again KA!
The is the last bit of what I tried to share this morning. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to post everything all at once, and was lucky enough to not loose everything I typed…so here’s hoping that most of this reaches you & resonates. (Sorry for the typos, was fighting off pre-breakfast “hangries” while holding on to my trains of thought that was most relevant to share.)
PART 3
The last few things are my the pragmatic tools for navigating through your feelings, thoughts, and strategies around money. Where you are now (studying & building) is not where you’ll always be. You will be in a position to create from stability and security too. Yet you must define these for yourself (rather than from your boyfriend’s or any other wealthy person’s histories or present traps). And you may need to redefine these again for yourself at various points in your life as you change, grow and evolve.
This one has been my favorite since my teens – Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence: Fully Revised and Updated for 2018 https://a.co/d/ipRNkRh
Cashing Out: Win the Wealth Game by Walking Away https://a.co/d/jdgtp7Y
Last but not least, I just want to acknowledge that I see you. I see my own struggles in you even though they may not have manifested as jealousy for me, the did in other ways, and they did for one of my siblings.
The global scale game of impoverishing one group or region, that gets repeated on a local level is ages old. Had my parents been as savvy at speaking to us transparently about these things when we were quite young, and as we were growing up in the economically privileged environments they chose to raise us in for better opportunities, had they been attentive to the harms of these environments and had adequate capacity between them to truly care for us while they were reaching for the “US American Dream” our family would likely be closer, healthier, and stronger. Our priorities would be better aligned and more unified to ensure that what my parents did not learn about wealth, my siblings and I could and would.
Alas Yo-Yo Ma the cellist once jokingly commented in an interview that it takes 3 generations to make an artist, as he shared the plight of his grandparents, and then his parents who immigrated from China to Europe, which then allowed him to study and practice the cello, and how he eventually came to love and choose the cello for himself (not for his family) which then changed everything for him. Each of them had this artistry in them that life and circumstances did not allow expression of in their time. Yet he was the one with the choices and opportunities in his time and place. So too it is your time. And maybe for you and what you choose to become, it might only take 2 generations (your own elders and what they did right to allow you to take the giant leap into the new adventure you are living today.)
So live it well, live it as joyfully and imaginatively, and kindly as you can (and i don’t mean this through material things, though the small & big treats for yourself from time to time are fine. You’re stronger and healthier physically by the way from scratch cooking regular and eating takeaway every once in a while.)
You and I and many others are a consequence of this. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5t5qiKOwYBRSC7vNX4y8g6X544NtpYsb&si=y8JY2UfIJZ-cauGK
This game started in feudal times in Europe, and was taken to a whole new level by globalism & the American take on capitalism. The Chinese take on capitalism borrows from these playbooks. I’m curious about, and am now wondering what my personal expression of these playbooks will be across the second half of my life.
I don’t have solutions yet. However I do know that if we are “lucky” enough to find ourselves in the mixed blessing of living in Western/Northern societies, we have choices that others do not. That being the case, the above doesn’t need to fully define our trajectory or choices or destinies, and our choices can change.
The reality and consequences of deliberate campaigns of impoverishment will always be a valuable and influential lens of truth, but it is does not need to be our personal fate. My hope is that as more and more people are fully and truly educated on the reality and the necessary skills (both the uneducated and the educated folks) that this game also does not have to be our collective fate either.
I vacillate constantly between wanting to do more to shift this for massive amounts of people and communities I might be able to have an impact on, yet knowing I’m still struggling to provide that stable foundation for myself beyond rent, utilities, food, healthcare, and local transit to do so. And then there’s the challenge of navigating, creating, and honoring reasonable boundaries for helping my parents, extended family or friends (when I’m able to and sticking to my “no” when I’m not able to). If I can afford to gift a certain amount of cash or the time it will take to generate it, the I’m all in, but only for that amount. So, I don’t do “loans” with any expectation of receiving ever receiving it back. I just give what a can afford to when I can afford to and do my best to let go of the rest until I can do more.
If I create problems for myself by coming to someone’s rescue because I’ve overextended myself fiscally or physically, and i repeatedly do this then what’s the point? I must hold myself to that boundary or else everything I am doing, have done, and am aiming for to move myself and others forward is a waste, including my parent’s sacrifices.
Hope this all helps and that I didn’t ramble too much.
Be well & I wish you the best in your evolution & growth! ❤️
Hi Daniel,
I am a 18 year old currently in therapy for depression. I am looking for some advice on how to heal properly. I have made a biography of my live together with my therapist and have had a similar letting out by crying incident as you have described. However I still feel like there is way more emotional trauma buried in me. I am a was born with a cleft palate and have had around 17 operations from birth on. As I don’t remember much about them do you think it would be possible that I have buried them inside me as you have described in your healing video? Or could it be that I was too young to even remember them?
I would appreciate your advice.
Also off topic question:
I recently listened to a Joe Rogan experience episode with Jordan Peterson where the former talked about transgenderism being a psychosomatic disease similar to a mass hysteria (for reference: https://spotify.link/Wii0OSfd2Db). Do you have any thoughts on that?
Thank you for your time,
Valentin
Hi V.,
I would definitely think that the body remembers early operations…even if one is too young to remember consciously….
I’m totally swamped with my life to write much more now, but maybe others have things to share!!!
Meanwhile, wishing you only good things on your healing journey!
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I remember in one of your videos where you gave your opinions about lending money. How does change when you are in a relationship? What happens when you realise in length of time that your partner is horrible at dealing with money and ends up in debt, and constantly needs financial support? Did you ever have a partner that was like that? What advice would you have to give to people who are involved in a relationship with a person they love, yet constantly puts them in financial stress?
Best,
Greg
good question, Greg…
Well, I haven’t been in that situation myself, but I certainly couldn’t see myself enjoying lending money repeatedly to a partner who’s in bad debt……. It certainly would be a relational turn-off to me — very sad! Maybe others have opinions here…
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
So, there is a continuation of this story. I made it clear some time ago to my partner that I will not be able to continue to support her financially. Lately, she told me that she is seeing other men for money.
Now, I know that for many people seeing others is a deal breaker for a relationship, but I feel I have too many common things with her just to break up like this. I really don’t know what to do.
What would you do? What is your opinion about paid sex?
Hey Daniel,
I hope you are doing well and living your best life. I have 2 questions.
I was wondering if you have any advice on how to take care of yourself during the grief process? And how is one supposed to deal with therapeutic transference? Recently, I started seeing a licensed professional counselor, and he is an excellent listener, gentle, and asks me questions that promote self-growth. He is also an older man around my dad’s age. Problem is, I can’t help but wish I had grown up with him as my dad instead of the cold, uncaring, and emotionally distant alcoholic father that I got. I also happened to see my counselor with his daughter out in public, and this caused my longing for him to be my dad to intensify. I know this is transference and this occupies my thoughts so much I can’t focus on my daily tasks.
I also ask about grief, because I recognize that the reason for this transference is rooted in my longing for an emotionally available father. I never had an emotionally available father growing up, and although my dad has finally stopped drinking I still find it hard to connect with him. Logically I know this but I don’t think I have emotionally felt the grief from this yet, so I was wondering how can I best care for myself when the time comes? And again, how should I deal with transference?
Thanks for all you do!
– Sofia
I should also add that I did not seek out a counselor that reminds me of a dad, and I did not choose him specifically. I am able to access counseling services through my university’s health services, and when I signed up for counseling they just assigned me to the first counselor available, which happened to be him.
– Sofia
Hi Sofia
I find your questions both very interesting because I have experienced/struggled with both. Also, I did and do find it hard myself to understand how to find my way through these situations well.
I’ll start with your transference question. When I look back on a similar experience with a therapist as you describe here the first thing that I would do differently was to stop calling it a transference, that is, a complex psychological phenomenon. But I’d rather just call it a crush. Because that’s just what it is. I think that calling it by that mundane word makes it more simple to understand what it actually is.
I suggest this because I think that crushes are not necessarily romantic and sexual. I have a hetero sexuality (although now dormant) but I did have so called girls crushes either.
But what are they?
I think you describe it well. When that spell befalls us we get pretty obsessed with thinking about this person. And at the base of all this stirring up of thoughts, stories, and along with them emotions is a desire to be 100% and unconditionally loved and accepted by that person. And I think you also describe it just right when you say that you feel that this is the same desire that you had towards your father. Which is just a super natural child thing to feel.
My then therapist was a lot younger than yours and only a couple of years older than myself. Therefore, even when I didn’t had sexual desires towards him I was still very distressed when these feelings came up at first because I was afraid of falling in love with my therapist in a romantic way. And that I felt shouldn’t happen. But when I realised that it was actually not a problem to fall in love with my therapist because I could then just simply tell him and end the cooperation I could fully allow these feelings to emanate.
I then realised that I hadn’t done a mistake to feel this way towards my father even when he didn’t do anything to deserve a child’s love and trust. Because I understood that this is simply what children do. It’s a natural thing. Kids attach themselves to their parents emotionally because its their job. It’s nothing that kids chose and it’s nothing that they can stop themselves from doing. It is nothing personal.
The mishandling of the situation, the mistake, if you will, was on my father’s side. He wasn’t up to his parental responsibilities. He failed me.
I understood that what I had done, to attach myself emotionally to my father, was a very healthy, very natural and very normal thing. And it was not that I was unlovable and deserving of protection and care but that my father was simply not up to the task. Very simple.
But this is where kids get confused and then develop a false narrative of self-defamation because they are dependent on their parents and cannot do without.
As kids we are not able to allow ourselves to see the facts when our parents are not fit to love and care for us. Therefore we invent a story of our deficient selves that make up for that. When we get older we begin to think that something is wrong with us because we allowed ourselves to attach ourselves to someone who was neither loving nor trustworthy. And this enhances our impression that something is utterly wrong with us. But there we forget that as the small children that we were we just did what was our job, what was perfectly healthy and sweet.
To open up to someone unhinged and in a positive way.
I think that when we understand that there is nothing more to say or to do with a crush towards a therapist. The phenomena seems simply to be that we found ourselves again in a situation where we feel that we want to allow ourselves to love fully again.
What I learned from one of Daniel’s videos, is, that the fact that therapists open up barely about they’re personal lives makes it easier for us to fill our idea of who they are with our fantasy of what we want them to be. And it is actually this fantasy of ourselves that then attracts our intense loving feelings.
When I look back I did everything right. I accepted my feelings then went back to my therapist to let him know about these feelings. Still the therapy turned out in the end to be very detrimental for me. What happened?
He let me know that he had just the same feelings that is he had such a “parental” crush on me himself. And I know it’s true because I could feel that he had himself attached to me too.
And I think that next to other mistakes that he did this was also a mistake of him. He should have discussed his crush on me in his therapy and they should have decided that he should end the therapeutic relationship with me.
Because, after all, I was paying him to get help from him. But by being under the influence of his longing of healing for his childhood wounds himself he wasn’t fully capable anymore to have only my best interests in his mind.
Anyway, I dealt with these pretty extreme situtation graciously. Back then I didn’t understand that it wasn’t to my benefit that he had gotten involved with me emotionally as well. Now I see it clearly. He should have worked hard to find this level of mutual love, care and intimacy in his marriage in the first place but never in a therapeutic relationship.
I am very proud that despite all the attraction that I had towards him I never allowed myself to forget that this was therapy. And therefore I realised soon that something was off. I understood that it was not about me and what I needed. I began to fight for what I wanted to have out of this therapy and my therapist didn’t like it. I remember very well how he got into his defenses a lot to gaslight me about the truth of my assessement of the situation, that it was not helping me.
But I pushed stronger and stronger for what I wanted from this therapy. And in the end her turned against me and admitted that he had lied to me in the beginning about an important thing regarding my goals for this therapy.
I realised that he had abused my trust from the beginning by holding important information back that would have stopped me to even begin to work with him after only the first sessions.
I was devastated after our last session where I went once more to tell him that I would leave immediately because he had lied to me and that that amongst other things had compromised his capacity to help me.
At the same time I worked through this quickly because I understood that I was a grown up now. Extremely capable of caring for myself and not in need of a father anymore.
Thanks for allowing me the space to share my story with bringing up your question. How do you think about your crush on your therapist now? And what are you planning to do about it? Are you going to talk about your feelings with him?
You will understand by his reaction whether he is really the right therapist for you.
My profound transference was in hindsight very simple . I was “in love” with the sensation of feeling seen, not with the analyst. That feeling of someone finally seeming to attune to and resonate with me was intoxicating because it was mostly absent in my experience with anyone.
Dear Daniel,
I saw your YouTube video about children not owing their parents anything. I’m 27 and living with my parents, who demand me to pay 25% of my paycheck in “rent”. My dad has been on unemployment benefits for 9 years and my mother has been a housewife that hasn’t worked for 25 years.
In your video you mentioned children not being slaves to their parents. To me it feels like I’m their slave, they sabotage my ability to save up and move out of the parental home, especially since my wage isn’t very high to begin with and housing prices are very inflated. They also don’t treat me like a tenant, they are very controlling about where I go to and are “concerned” I’m not saving when I spend some of my own paycheck. Whenever I try to discuss this I get shamed for being obsessed with money, greedy and ungrateful. My parents are insulted by pointing out the fact that the reason they can’t get by is because they both don’t work. My sister and brother also give them about 25% of their paycheck but they don’t protest, so my parents also use that against me to make it seem like I’m the selfish one. My dad claims he can’t work anymore because he has diabetes so my mom acts like I’m a bad person for not “helping” my dad out financially.
Is it really normal for parents to charge their children “rent”? Or is this about parents leeching of their kids?
It clearly sounds like they’re using you. I don’t think diabetes is a valid excuse to not work since many people with the condition hold down jobs. And it doesn’t sound like your mom has anything preventing her from getting a job save for not working for the past 25 years. (Some potential employers won’t hire people with large gaps in their employment history.)
You mentioned that your siblings also pay their “share” of the rent. Is it possible for you guys to pool your money together until you all can move out and share an apartment away from your parents?
ssrr88’s idea is great. I also think you should move out. Parents should not charge their children for something like a warm home. It’s their responsibility to provide such basic need. If your father is not bedridden and doesn’t need constant attention, then your mother has no excuse to not look for a job. The fact she wasn’t even willing to find a part-time job is concerning as well, but maybe your father had that idea in his head that “a successful man should pay for his woman”, and that contributed to it.
How are your siblings feeling about it? Are they okay with what your parents are doing? Sometimes things happen and people struggle financially, but if that’s been going on for years and they did not do anything about it, then you and your siblings are not ones to blame. And especially to pay for it.
Help is help, but that is sadly not that. It’s just enabling them to do whatever they want. Talk to your siblings, just make sure to not be too emotional as that might be taken as acting out.
Hey Danial, thank you for saving my life. My mother is a narcissist. I took both the trauma and narcissistic behaviors from her. If it wasn’t for your videos, I would have never known that. Maybe I would but it would have taken me several more heartbreak and deep hopelessness. Thank you for your videos.they serve as reminders. They give me strength to face a troubled world knowing I’m not crazy or alone. My life has began and I’m so grateful for it. Living as a narcissist was hell. I always fear I would lose this progress. That’s something I would love for you to touch on. I always have this fear that I might forget again about how poorly I was treated as a child. I’m scared to lose this light inside me and live in the darkness again. Did you ever feel like that?
Hi Daniel. Love your work.
What’s your opinion on dating apps? And even paying for paid subscriptions on these apps?
I volunteer at a charity shop and study a degree with online university. I have a little amount of friends therefore there isn’t much opportunities to meet a potential partner. This means I have resorted to dating apps in the past to meet someone, and on occasion I have.
Just wanted to hear your take
Thanks
Hi Daniel, I hope you are having a lovely day today. I just had a quick question. After months now of looking deep within myself and going down this path of deep emotional healing, I’m starting to think back to how I actually feel about my parents growing up. And a question I just can’t find the answer to is: should we be grateful to our parents? We were all born without consent, and having loving parents in a stable environment I feel all fall under the responsibilities that come with having children in the first place. Should I be externally “indebted” or grateful to the people who’s job it was to take care of me to the best of their ability regardless?
Hi JB — sorry to be brief (I’m totally swamped with other stuff), but I actually made a video more or less on the topic you mention: https://youtu.be/B1SQtXLl7qQ
(What do children owe their parents?)
Hope you find this useful!!!
Daniel
Salutations, Mr. Mackler!
I stumbled upon your channel when I was looking for a therapist. Immediately, I subscribed. I love your channel and the videos that you make. I understand that you no longer practice psychotherapy but I want your advice. To put it simply, how can you live freely, especially when breaking away from family? I do not hate my family. However, as a Black homosexual who was raised in a religious upbringing, I understand the role religion plays in my family. James Baldwin said it best when describing the Church as a source of liberation and oppression. To some extent, I do indeed believe in God (my belief in God and in general my religious beliefs conflict with the religious ideologies I grew up with). But, as I’ve gotten older, the more comfortable I am with my sexuality, the more it conflicts with my family’s beliefs. My family is not a horrible person. They are humans like myself. Yet, in order to live freely as a homosexual, I have to break away from them. Despite my need to live freely, I am currently having a hard time. I have yet to find secure employment and due to rising rent costs, I have to live with my family. Because of my fear of being kicked out and living in the streets as a result, I am not “out” to them yet with the exception of my sibling. Do you have any advice? Thank you very much!
Hello BelovedJoy —
Hmm…it does sound like living with your family is not a very healthy situation for you!!!!! I think the key is figuring out a healthy exit strategy — one that is stable and allows you a live a healthier and more honest life. Definitely becoming homeless is a terrible option, so avoiding that, even if it means staying in the closet for a while, is probably a lot better!! Wishing you the best — and hoping you can find some gentle, stable employment — Daniel
Thank you!
Dear Daniel,
Just discovered you on YouTube and have had that experience of “meeting” a person that thinks like me! (for once)
Its great and rarely, if ever, have i experienced that. Its a fine reward for making it to age 72 and signals progress.
Thank You, young man, for being you. Just last week i remember thinking there are people like me somewhere…
Now i know more who i, a weirdo, according to my mom, am.
And i like me better now, after watching you.
sincerely,
patricia
Thank you Patricia!!
Very lovely!!! Wishing you the best, and sending you good vibes!!!
Daniel
Hey Daniel,
I recently saw some news about a mother who apparently experienced post-partum psychosis and murdered her children and then attempted to take her own life. It made me think about post-partum depression and other mental health issues that occur to mothers after pregnancy… I’m sure a lot of it is genuinely hormonal after childbirth but an act this extreme really made me wonder if early childhood trauma in the mother plays a role in any way to result in such extreme acting out, but I’m rather ignorant of the biochemical aftermaths of childbirth and it’s always made me antsy about jumping to conclusions. I just remembered your video on psychosis being a product of extreme early childhood trauma and it makes me wonder if childbirth brings up post-traumatic memories and reactions in some mothers from their own infancy that could possibly lead to such acts? (I have heard of parents who become more aware of their own childhood trauma right after becoming parents themselves, which may or may not be related…) I do wonder what your thoughts would be on the subject!
Kind regards,
Kai
I’d say that “biochemical” has little, if anything, to do with murder after childbirth. It is much more likely that some major unresolved trauma is trying to surface and instead of allowing the trauma to become conscious, the individual murders the source of the threat of consciousness.
I’d say “biochemical” could actually have a lot to do with a murder after childbirth. As a person who experiences very bad symptoms of PMS before period I can only imagine how terrible postpartum depression could be. Especially for someone who already experienced other mental health issues before that. The thing in my opinion is that we never know what was exactly happening in someones’ life prior to pregnancy and even way before that. Unresolved trauma for sure could play a big factor in that, but what I mean is is that it could be a mix of really anything and we’ll never know for sure as outsiders. It’s easy to judge acts like that, and I am not trying to justify anything, but we need to remember that we just don’t know anything for sure and everything we say about the case are only “ifs”. Maybe the person didn’t want the kid to begin with? Maybe they were made by the society to follow the “typical” path that really didn’t lined up with that person’s soul. All we know for sure is that things weren’t exactly all happy and good for that person, hence the extreme act. So that, plus other issues could end up being a story like that. As I said again, it’s easy to judge and guess but we’ll never know for sure. It’s just more sad than anything that something like that happened and will happen in the future again.
Thank you for responding!
Yeah, there may be many factors involved in the execution of such a heinous act.
It is difficult to not be judgmental towards a system that pushes biochemical causes to make money and a society that encourages superficial solutions to deep structure challenges and thereby perpetuating a lack of consciousness and, ultimately the hopeless cycle just continues.
Hey Daniel,
I’ve been struggling on finding my why. After having gone through the realization of my trauma, the self-discovery journey, the cutting people out, living healthier and healing those old wounds, I feel aimless and I’m having trouble feeling the value of a lot of things in life. Though I see people extrapulating value from their interactions, things, contributions and jobs I can’t seem to feel the same way. I don’t want to diminish the value other people find in their lives, I just can’t seem to feel it myself.
I get that self-actualization is supposedly part of the journey, but I can’t really find the point in it. Lets say I can build a giant company worth millions..whats the point? I can’t take the money with me, it doesn’t actually fulfill me because I don’t need much. Using that money to help others often seems pointless because most of the services given to those less fortunate don’t seem to improve their lives, they’re often bandaid fixes. So, money is not motivating. Opportunities for status come around but feel completely hollow. I’ve sort of lost my desire to produce anything (though i am because I do have to eat) because the world seems to be filled with such excess, I don’t like the feeling of just creating more X. thought about moving out into the country and living raising animals and vegetables but something rings kind of pointless in that too. I’ve thought about just devoting all my work to others but I am worried that doing that will feel pointless too, for various reasons. This is all very alienating, self-centered and I’m sure toxic to those around me yet, I can’t shake it or find anyone that understands what I’m saying.
Have you had this experience before or know someone who has? How did you come out of it, what helped? Do you have a why, does it change and how did you find it? Have you found other people that feel this way, if so, where did you find them?
Thanks for your videos. I’m going to dive back into your book Trauma to Enlightenment though I might need to email your office for another link. I got it back in may.
Best,
Jen
Hi there,
I hope I’m not overstepping but It sounds too me like you’re depressed. The only advice I can give is, try to remember something you truly enjoyed or even loved as a child or young adult. A hobby, be it photography, art or something creative that you were good at and go for that. Go for the light, focus on the positive aspects of your life and all you have to be grateful for. That’s your “why”.
Sincerely,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
No, you’re not overstepping. Its a question published through an online medium, though I believe it’s dangerous to diagnose people based on a few sentences.
It could be possible I suffer from depression but, that depression might just be born out of the thought and feeling I don’t have a why.
I see you have good intentions however, if just telling someone they are living to do hobbies were enough to actually help people, the world wouldn’t have problems would it?
I do currently have hobbies; raising animals, gardening, semi self sufficient gardening, painting, drawing. I also hike in the mountains daily, run a business, practice charity, engage in religion and groups. As I mentioned before, though perhaps not as succinctly as I’d like, those do not fill me with any feeling of meaning. They are all short events of a larger life that seems to lack reason or meaning.
Thank you for the thoughts I do feel it was well intentioned.
Hi Jen,
Do you derive joy from your hobbies, or is it something you do just to fill your time? Are there experiences/things/people/events in this world that bring you joy or meaning? Is the business you run something you are passionate about?
I think life is meant to be lived to its fullest, make the most out of every day you have, share experiences with others. Even just simple things like conversing with a cashier. There are beautiful small moments (and sometimes big ones too) in every day. Not every day will be so beautiful, some days are incredibly hard, and periods of life that are filled with pain. But part of truly living is experiencing all the bad and all the good. One thing we all have in common is that we all die. When you are on your deathbed, and you look back at your life, what do you want to have been content with doing/experiencing? Traveling, building things, helping others, or something else entirely?
Personally, for me, meaning comes from helping other people. Helping others can cause a ripple effect, and create more positive change. You don’t even have to help people in big extravagant ways. Teaching, listening, volunteering, or just helping someone in any way spontaneously when life provides the opportunity are all ways of helping. For example, once I helped a stranger try to jumpstart her car, I had jumper cables and she approached me while I was driving asking for help. I had the cables, but I didn’t know how to use them at the time (I had just started driving), and this happened on a university campus and a campus employee overheard us trying to figure things out and taught us how to use the jumper cables. Her car ended up never starting, it had issues besides the battery, but it was a moment where I was able to offer support to someone I didn’t even know, and then we were supported by the campus employee who provided us with valuable knowledge.
Another time in college, a professor went out of her way to help me learn statistics (I’m terrible at math). Throughout the whole semester she helped me, despite her being a graduate student herself and having many other commitments, she helped me and nurtured my learning. I’ll never forget that and it’s meaningful to me that she cared so much.
Meaning can also be found in small things that bring you joy, like eating your favorite food.
All that to say, I think meaning comes from helping others and building connections/relationships with others. Because the material things in this world truly do not matter in the grand scheme of things, but our connections with others (and with ourselves) are more valuable because the impact others can have on you and vice versa can be profound. When someone we love dies, we carry their memory until we die. Also, I think learning and growing as much as possible before we die is meaningful. Another thing; creating art just for the sake of creating can also feel meaningful.
If you haven’t already, I recommend reflecting on your life and try to recall any profound experiences you’ve had, moments where you felt great joy, or moments where you found even an inkling of meaning in something, and explore that to see what you can do in the present to feel some meaning.
Depression can make everything feel meaningless, or cause you to feel a lack of joy, the things you once enjoyed don’t feel enjoyable anymore, and can cause a huge lack of motivation (I’m speaking from experience). Not saying you have depression, but you should just be aware if you notice these symptoms in yourself.
If you do feel like the things you once enjoyed are no longer enjoyable, you should explore that too.
If no one has told you, your life is valuable regardless of your income or contributions to this world. The feelings you have can be very isolating but remember you matter and you deserve to find your why.
I’m sorry I couldn’t offer better advice, I used to feel very similarly to you but so much has changed since then I’m not even sure how I stopped feeling that way. I do still struggle with loss of motivation and loss of joy (or any positive emotion) on some days but much much less than what it used to be.
I hope you discover your why.
Wishing you all the best,
Gabby
Hi gabby,
Between you and Brian (above) suggesting depression as a cause I decided to take some time to think on this before replying.
I definitely feel depressed. My life situation is unsatisfying. I’m not living a life that’s true to my core being. While I do enjoy my hobbies, learning, helping people, etc. Its my overall existence that needs to change.
Im trying to find the reality that feels true to myself. I haven’t found that yet. I have inklings that are riddled with uncertainty and the fear of making irreparable decisions. That’s life though, isn’t it.
I appreciate your comment and desire to help a stranger. That’s awesome. Thank you.
Jen, I love your determination to get at the truth of your existence.
I ask myself, “Do you want Easy St. or Hardship Hwy.?” when I feel the extreme tension of being completely truthful (at least as truth as I can be in that moment).
Such a poignant and perfect question.
We don’t encourage asking “WHY?” nearly enough.
“Why” is dangerous to status quo, to our own stability even.
However, if one want to grow then the “whys” must be asked.
For myself, it is all about spiritual reality/truth. I find this passage from the Baha’i Faith to be particularly compelling: “Turn thy sight unto thyself that thou mayest find Me standing within thee.”
Hey Jen,
I understand what you are going through because I am going through a similar experience myself.
I would suggest that you will probably need to create a job for yourself that:
1) Can give you enough to eat
2) Provides truthful, grounded value. (food, shelter, health)
3) Fits with society
4) Keeps you connected to yourself
It is really hard to fit all of them. When you mention “thought about moving out into the country and living raising animals and vegetables but something rings kind of pointless in that too. ” you feel that way because we do have inherent social needs that that sort of life will lack. When you say “I’ve thought about just devoting all my work to others but I am worried that doing that will feel pointless too, for various reasons. ” it is correct in you assumption that all should not be just about others. You must find something that keeps you truly in contact with yourself.
Since you seem to have an entrepreneurial mindset, i’d suggest thinking a lot on how would the organizations that provide important things (you should define those, like shelter and food. they should feel truly valuable) look like in an enlightened world. How would the business operate? How would employees relate between each other? How would the company treat its members and clients? I’d say the future of big corps is non-profit. In 100 years, big tech companies might be foundations, with many federated systems to avoid centralization, which brings many issues.
Our crisis is a great opportunity. Make sure to explore these things now because when the dark veil lifts the time of enlightenment will be mostly up.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank You Daniel.
I am finally able to understand the root cause of all my complex issues/ traumas, and more importantly now I understand the level of trauma I was inflicting on my kids and the immediate need to stop the harm. I would like to request that you create a video to guide parents such as myself on how to help repair the damage done thus far before it’s too late. What is the best way to help my kids ages 8-12 heal from the trauma I have unconsciously caused? Thank you
Hi Daniel,
I discovered your youtube channel just a few days ago and I’ve now watched several of your videos (which are excellent by the way) about trauma and the healing process, and how there are varioius barriers to that. It’s as if there are systems in place to prevent people from healing.
It seems to me that there is a parallel between the grieving/healing process and the “waking up” process. I am interested in what many people label “conspiracy theories” and from my point of view there are systems in place to give people a particular view of reality in all sorts of areas and in all sorts of ways. And when somebody questions a particular aspect of this worldview – whether it’s the narrative about a particular event or the received wisdom about a certain industry or whatever – often that person is mocked, ridiculed, ostracised or these days “cancelled”. In many cases it doesn’t even matter whether everything that person says is factual or that what they are arguing against is objectively false or morally wrong.
It seems like there is a widespread denial of reality going on, or denial of the falseness of the authorised narratives we are being spoonfed, in much the same way that there is a denial of trauma and the need for healing/grieving. And the actions that are the result of such denial are often similar too e.g. anger at the messenger or wayshower and/or some form of abuse of that person.
Anyway, I’d just like to hear what you think about that. Are these just similar dynamics or are they different manifestations of the same thing? Maybe you could make a video about it, or maybe you already have (in which case I’d appreciate it if you could post a link or a title or something.)
All the best
Matthew
Daniel please I need to talk to you. You’re past experiences perfectly mirror my current one. You can record the phone call/video chat and share it on your channel to help others. Ill pay for your time, whatever… Ill do anything to talk to you man.
just to summarize. Im autistic and your relationship with your parents perfectly mirrors the relationship with my girlfriend who has serious parental trauma issues. She is in complete denial of how she is responsible for my mental health decline and her fragile ego has created an impenetrable barrier that has completely closed her mind off to the possibility of having any accountability for anything. Her own family acknowledges this and her own sister understands and agrees with me but says that even she cant get through to her on anything either so even her own sister cant help change her perceptions of herself. Ive left about 4 times but the depression of not seeing my family is worse than staying. Every time Ive left, shes wanted me back but done everything spiteful in her power to make it as hard as possible on me so I will come back and I always have to. Its not even a choice, I just do it because I know I have to see be with my kids. I dont believe shes got a malicious bone in her body. She is a good person but shes diluted and in denial and isnt able to see when shes wrong or that what shes doing is so horrible.
her perception is that everything she does/says is 100% justified. That’s her reality. So no matter how horrible she acts, shes always right and anyone who says otherwise is wrong by default. If her behaviour is undeniably bad, she will perform mental gymnastics to fabricate (and believe 100%) that it is someone else’s fault that made her act that way. Then she only talks about these things with people that she knows will take her side and reinforce her denial and defend her behaviour which only strengthens these delusions. I have hope for her as long as I know shes not being intentionally malicious and doesnt know the wrong shes doing. Shes also agreed to counselling and has SLLOOOWWWLLLYY started to admit to some minor negative behaviour traits which is actually huge progress, but actually getting her there is basically impossible. I cant leave because I havent given up on her and I need to be near my kids every day or else I become suicidal. But this is a horribly unhealthy person to live with as an autistic person. Any time I tell her about my needs as an autistic person, she agrees and then makes no change whatsoever, then I ask harder and she agrees again but doesnt change anything, then I get angry and resentful and more aggressive and my requests have become demands and then she acts like “do you see how you talk to me? you are the problem” Im so lost and dont know what to do. You’ve already made it to the other side. I need to talk to you! I need help and nobody understand. you understand. please help me!!!!
Your videos have hit me so powerfully. I always knew something was askew in my family dynamic, but I always believed my shortcomings and failures were the reasons for it. I convinced myself that I was so crazy that I was obviously misinterpreting reality. My mother gaslit me constantly, invalidated my feelings for any reason (being too excited, talking to much/little, fidgeting, slouching, putting my hand on my hips, shifting my weight, etc. etc. etc.).
Ive been self harming as early as I remember. First it was food, then cigarettes, then for a year I was cutting my thighs, then for the last ten years or so Ive been shutting down my emotion with vape and weed. During the time of my cutting I remember breiefly going to a therapist and my mother warning me that I better not come out of their blaming the mother like all psychologist did. I did every mental gymnastic in my head to spare her that grief while I was slowly killing myself.
Ive only recently realized how much trauma I actually experienced on a daily basis. To this day she cannot stop her invalidating behavior. Unfortunately, due to the chaos of my mind, the intense shame I feel daily, I am back living under her roof. I am broke and have no motivation to do much. But Im working on getting a job and planning to be independent and try to heal.
Id like to know what can someone do to start feeling alive after years white knuckling life? Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster for all 29 years of my life. I dont know what “normal” is or how to live a life that is not comprised of coping mechanisms. Ive let all my friends fall to the wayside or pushed them away. I have no one to confide in.
How can I start building a life worth living? I know theres hope, but I feel like theres so many giant obstacles that I cant overcome on my own, but I have no clue how to get anyone to help.
Anyways, thank you for your wonderful videos, they are very informative.
Welcome Yael!!
And thank you.
I’m really wishing you the best,
Daniel
Hi. You’re very brave and exactly right in having hope. There is hope. Is there a possibility that any of your old friends would be open to reconnect? People can do bad things to each other when they themselves are hurting, yet in my experience friends I pushed back when I was younger never judged me for it when I was able and willing to try again.
I’m not sure of where you live, but is there any kind of workshop or small community, maybe through social work, that you could have routine participation in? That was a key piece for me and for my healing process. Therapy never did too much but having a place to go and be myself and learn skills for self-acceptance, having people to confide in and vice-versa did wonders for my feeling of self-worth. Trying new things, learning new skills, creating art… I’m still working on stuff around this area of my life but the biggest lesson for me has been that loneliness and feelings of isolation, being trapped and not knowing how to get out while thinking you have to do it all by yourself can truly kill you. And in my experience when you can find people that listen and appreciate you for who you are, it can lead to a new perspective and seeing beauty where before you saw none. Lightening the load and being able to see new solutions is essential, toughing it out rarely works (though of course it does take a lot of work and in the words of Daniel; it can feel like hell).
I wish you the best and I’m rooting for you.
Moving away from a toxic environment is the only way forward in my experience.. If you have no money or qualitifcations, you can go to a kibbutz or do other voluntarily jobs that give you housing and food. Just google it: working abroad etc .This may be scary but there are ways out and forward. Please consider this .and I am with you in spirit .
I don’t know where to live either. You have to be in Israel to live on a Kibbutz and most people aren’t there. Then there’s WWOFF but most quarters in these places are marginal best and you are there to work. It not like being home. Moral of the story, find a home when you are young or your childhood home will be your last one. Not a good risk
Daniel, I would be very curious if you could give your thoughts someday about people who have clear memories going back to very early childhood and maybe the effects that has on our later lives. You spend enough time as a psychotherapist to have at least some sense of the differences between people with crisp memories of very early childhood and those that do not.
I am talking about memories going back to well before 1 year old. I know in my case I have clear memories of learning how to walk which my mother said was 9 months, of climbing out of my crib, I remember blowing out the candle on my first birthday cake and even what I saw outside the window my highchair was near. I even have a memory though not as clear, of my father’s stubbled cheek when I was perhaps only a month or so old, I am sure I was a swaddled infant at the time, and I am also pretty sure he dropped me that day.
Do you think there is a difference in people who retain such memories? I mean so much of very early child development is traumatic, just the frustrations of having crying as your only form of communication has to be akin to stroke victims that cannot communicate verbally any longer. Is forgetting a defense mechanism? Or, just humans wiping away “disc space” once things get interesting for them?
Hi Mark,
Well, the first thing is that probably my experience as a psychotherapist was less important to me in this regard than my own personal experiences of memories. I have some very early memories like yours that I just somehow trust deeply to be true. For example, I remember having my diapers changed by my father when I was probably around nine months old or less — a gentle expereince. I also remember a few other things like this. And then there are things that happened much later that I blocked out, and know I blocked out because I was later told they happened by credible people and I simply have no recall of them. To have more confidence in a memory, I think it’s just a question of trusting one’s own gut — and I think when others share their memories of early childhood all I can do is trust my gut — regarding their sincerity. Some people, when they talk about early memories, I just trust them… But others, well, no. For instance, I know one psychotherapist who used to very grandiosely (and with seeming total confidence) talk about remembering being born, and coming through the birth canal. Personally I think he didn’t remember it, and was just fantasizing having remembered it. (He also said a lot of other bullshit, even lies, so that added to the context for me.) I, meanwhile, have some relatively early childhood memories that I don’t totally trust — mostly because there are also photos of those memories, and maybe, perhaps, I’m just remembering the photos. But are all my memories still in there somewhere? Perhaps…. I would wager that they are…
Wishing you the best,
Daniel
The photo’s may just jolt the memory. It doesn’t mean they are not valid memories but a reminder to the memory. Just because YOU don’t remember being born, doesn’t mean that others who do are lying. Many of my early life memories came forward while meditating. I remember being born and my thoughts around it. I remember being in the womb and I remember experiences before I was born in this body. You dismissing this comes across as being closed and having preconceived ideas. I had a NDE at 23 and since dream things that are going to happen. These are events in my own day to day life ( often in unfamiliar settings) but also from time to time about global events. I am not looking for recognition of these ( I have no website or youtube channel). However, I think it’s time people and especially professionals in psychology would benefit if they were open to things we can’t proof or explain. I understand that I know nothing much. but it seems that nor do you.
Hey Daniel, found you on YouTube a few days ago. A video I watched tonight led me here. Thanks for making your content. I hope you’re in a good place with your journey.
I spent the pandemic in various anti-psychiatry spaces online. Currently a codependent relationship with another psych survivor has me trapped in a horrific hospital stay. We’re in week 5 right now. He has about $4 or $5k of my money as well.
Sucks how there are imperfections in the activist movement too. Hurt people hurt people.
Cheers!
Hi Daniel and friends,
I saw a tweet the other day that I found interesting and wanted to know your perspective.
It was along the lines of “Why when u call out terrible people, they start crying. I thought they already knew they were terrible”
Many of the replies were saying that the crying was in an attempt to manipulate the person and gain sympathy.
I felt the tweet in general lacked understanding of said person. But I felt that maybe just stuff being brought up brings up a stress response and that release becomes needed. or just trauma and stuff being brought up that would make someone cry. Maybe it is an attempt to gather sympathy for past trauma. but would like to know y’alls perspectives 🙂
Hi M,
Interesting — well, I guess there could be different reasons for crying for different people. I have known some people who are manipulative to cry “crocodile tears” in situations like that, but I like your suggestion too!! I wonder what others think…
Daniel
Hi, your question struck a chord with me. I do not cry easily; in fact, I would like to at times when I cannot express myself. But if someone close to me (and this happened recently) brings up an emotional point, my tears are very genuine!
“Terrible” people can feel hurt too.
And maybe the behaviors we label as TERRIBLE are a cover for acute vulnerabilities. A defense mechanism, and the trick is to uncover what it is they are defending. Crying in adults, at least when it is not some narcissistic manipulative ploy for sympathy and to regain a lost upper hand, is in my experience what happens when they are forced to face things about themselves they don’t like, they have lost a battle of sorts that their terrible behaviors had been disguising. If you confront a terrible person and what you say is delivered calmly and truthfully then they can choose to be even more evil or they can break down. I mean you just ripped of their band aid. It is more interesting to me why your confrontation was so effective at that. Perhaps they felt you understood them. They like you and that made them trust you to a degree. Or, they just feel the futility of separation from other people. They may be lonely and angry about that but have no idea how to fix it.
But, nearly all the people I know that are just terrible to be around know it and do not care. Confronting them over it can be very dangerous. Very few people who turn out to be very dangerous are perceived in advance to be kind and positive and nice to be around. There are exceptions, Jeffrey Dahmer was often describes as great to be around, very likable. But it seems that was his lure. People who are terrible to be around (and I am a gay left liberal democrat in a deep red county in Florida so there is no shortage of those) I consider too unstable to attempt any personal interactions with beyond the minimum to be civil and polite when in public. I do not wear my politics on my sleeve, nor my sexuality for that matter, but I know some complete fascists who do here. I still manage to have some pleasant interactions with strangers, far more of those than the unpleasant type, but I also am wary. I think it is not good practice to challenge “terrible people” who may as well be a nest of murder hornets. They are terrible, but they also have a right to be who they are.
Hi Daniel. Thank You for defending that child. And yes! Being hit by a parent is worse than being hit by a stranger.
JM.
Agreed!
Hi Daniel,
I was wondering if you’re aware of John Calhoun’s experiment on rats Universe 25,would be cool if you have an analysis on it on your youtube.
Now from one side it’s very good that younger generations across the globe(especially koreans,chinese,europeans) like millenials and Gen-Z, they are realizing the core issues of this world and they consciously and subconsciously are reducing the fertility rate, they avoid having relationships that don’t fulfill them etc…
Do you agree that there might be another side effect, called the Behavioural Sink ? And that the loner rats trend is not about stabilization of society, but of inevitable decline of population and even with an abundance of food and medical care, the population goes to 0 because of lack of motivation to procreate, even during advanced stages of depopulation?
He also took those young rats with loner habits, he put them into a new environment(without other peers) and they refused to procreate because of the psychological burnout and damage which is permanent. Do you agree this same phenomenom might be happening with humanity these next couple decades? When 2020 lockdowns came, it has been a major acceleration point for depression,suicide,decline in fertility rates… and these trends continue to get worse even after lockdowns regimes, so I sense we have reached peak population earlier than expected and we’re heading into a demographic collapse due this phenomenom of behavioural sink being material in most developed countries. It’s not tangible now, but it will come as a wave hitting hard on societies(think of labour shortage or pension crisis).
I have my own weird theories about it. I believe that Universe 25 is real and happening now, because of the nature of the mind and how a train of thoughts or conditionings lead to a predictable path. So if we just tell all people worldwide to have less children, even for very well intended reasons, this might reinforce the behavioural sink effect. I have many good reasons to think that in the future governments will start to push on having more babies, because their real concern is about the behavioural sink(very material nowadays) will be irreversable.
I even expect fertility cults to emerge later on and being promoted by societies. I don’t know your knowledge of history, but fertility cults(like Mother Goddess/ Magna Mater) were introduced in ancient Rome to counterattack the depopulation pressure due to bad health from lead poisoning (from wine). Also these kind of cults have played out recurrently among ancient societies.
I know all this sounds crazy, but I’m sure there are very intelligent people leading the world (or elites or whatever you want to call them) and they were geniously concerned of the path of the oil age and consummerism during the 1960s that’s when they started to fund all those depopulation studies,because they knew that as population increases with EROI margins of oil are decreasing, that’s a mathematical recipe for disaster. But again, if you tell people to have less children, you would contribute to he behavioural sink among people’s psychology, also deflationary pressures in the economies(present since the 1970s, but the debt model was introduced and has masked the inefficiencies of decreasing EROI of oil until now, but we’ve now reached peak credit, so that’s why energy crisis and depopulation are the hot topic of this decade).
Sorry if I wrote it too long, I could talk for hours but all these topics are connected. I just want to know how would you deal avoiding that behavioural sink which is more and more prevalent among the global society. It’s true that the argument of reducing childhood trauma of bad relationships or having less kids, that partially helps having healthier and mature people in the future. But it’s too late or not enough of a solution, because depopulation/deflation act as a spiral(and this time globally,first time in human history due to the interconnectedness of societies since the oil age and mass urbanizations) and there will be needed some artificial or forced solution from governments in forcing people to have children(let’s say from the 2030s).
Hi Dominic,
Thanks for the idea. Someone else mentioned Universe 25 to be some months ago and suggested it for a video topic, and I looked into it and I found it interesting, but I have gotten waylaid with so many other things that I haven’t studied it enough yet to feel like I have something worthy to say… But I will study it — though probably not for a bit of time…still too busy with other things!!! But thank you for bringing it up again!!
All the best,
Daniel
This is all so interesting and new to me. Thank you so much for sharing along with your own thoughts! I totally agree.
i just read about Universe 25 for the first time after reading your post and i find that experiment to be very fascinating. i guess one could come to the conclusion that it is your duty to reproduce with the someone you find healthy love with. it’s possible that’s what nature intended for evolution.
I have a question about journaling. I would like to start, but I don’t know if I should be reading what I have wrote. How does that work? Do I read what I wrote yesterday, today? Do I need to read what I’ve written before at all? Thanks.
I think there are no rules for how to journal properly. I have some videos on journaling in general on my Youtube channel (if you go to my channel and search for “journaling” or “journal.” But I think the main thing is to follow your heart, to follow your gut, and to experiment. What works for you might not work for someone else, and what works for you today might not work for you tomorrow!!
Daniel
Hello! I bet you hear this all the time but what a miraculous synchronicity it’s been to stumble across your YouTube yesterday abs read this about journals. I have moved around a lot and the one thing that I drag with me everywhere are my journals that go back to the mid 70s. I’ve never, ever read them because I just felt uncomfortable about meeting my past self.
A couple weeks ago I had the strongest feeling that I needed to read them. I ignored that thought until it was overwhelming and I just had to go back and read them.
The jury is still out on what good will come of it, but one thing that stands out is how much I have blamed myself—page after page of “oh, it’s my fault, no wonder he was so mad at me” etc.
But guess what it was NOT my fault then (it’s so obvious!!!) Fifteen year old me was not at fault and I suspect that 61 year old me is probably not at fault today. I’m responsible for the choices but responsibility is different from fault/blame.
That’s what I’ve gotten so far. Thanks for the awesomeness ❤️
Welcome Carla!
I can relate !
Daniel,
Many people are saying that YouTube may be circling the drain due to a lot of their nickel and dime-ing business practices lately.
Do you have any ideas what you could do with your videos if YouTube were to shut down? It may be wise to consider alternatives soon!
Just thought I’d let you know,
– Brian
There’s so much I need to say, through videos. I wish I could say it completely unfiltered, completely bluntly, no matter how spiky the issue I’m talking about. I deleted the videos I had posted here. But I don’t think they were very blunt and to the point anyway. But there’s so much I don’t know about my own family system.
But I have a feeling the only thing that will free me from this feeling of going ABSOLULTELY INSANE recently is to speak completely bluntly about everything. The world is not used to people who speak as bluntly as you do about these topics,
but it’s our job to do it. We are in a unique position where we are standing on the edge between good and evil. We see both. It is our duty to speak out what goes ignored. Maybe I’ll make more videos some day.
‘Good afternoon Daniel,
My son was tested twice for speech impediment. The first time he was tested I believe he was about six in South Mississippi. The second time was in San Angelo, TX about nine. The counselor that tested him met with me in person with my son. I get scattered at times with my thoughts. Please bare with me. She told me that Nic did not have a speech impediment at all. Both sides of Nic’s family had numerous family that stuttered. What this counselor was about to tell me blew my mind and helped me realize a lot more about him. She said that is sounds like to all of us that he is indeed stuttering. However, like his mom at age four Nic’s thoughts race at an incredible speed that we cannot keep up with him. I was floored when she explained what was happening. I have done some research with ADHD and ADD that said the hyperactivity part is not your body alone running around at warp speed.
The counselor explained to me how to help Nic easily overcome what sounded like garble coming out in speaking. So, simple. I was to gently ask Nic to stop for a few seconds to help me communicate with him. Then, I asked him to think about and gather his thoughts slower and breath during this time.
It didn’t take maybe a month or two and his speech communication was so clear that you wouldn’t believe that he ever had speech impediment. I felt so blessed that this counselor was able to actually formulate what was really going on.
His warp speed mind found a different outlet growing up with playing video games and building state of the art computers.
P.S. I agree, My son is 21. And, I see day to day this gen and newbies struggling with talking to another human because most of their communication is via video games.
Thank you for sharing your lifestyle growing up and how it affected you. It helps me relate. I am a loner, introvert mostly, scapegoat, etc. It is very difficult for me to form relationships. I am different from others in many different ways,
Waves from the Mississippi Gulf Coast,
Andrea
Your message tells me that you are kind and intuitive You have a lot to offer this world! 😉
Thank you Pamela!
Daniel
As an experiment, I decided to talk to my mom about various places that we went to when I was growing up. We both remember the locations, but I think we remember different details based on what we value.
The most nostalgic and memorable moments for me was the time I spent with people – visiting family friends and playing with their kids – the coziness and magic of running around outside playing tag. The laughs we shared. Even the adults I remember gave a more cozy and nurturing vibe than my parents did.
My mom on the other hand, I don’t think she would remember those people at all if I didn’t mention their names and jog her memory. “Wow you still remember so and so’s name?” she said. Yeah, because they were amazing.
My mom said “New York is great, if you’re in the US everyone says you have to go to New York.” So for my parents, I get the sense that it’s kind of like crossing something off a bucket list, to show off that you went to a certain place. And my dad seems to place importance on things like museums (I know someone’s gonna come in here and say WOW LOOK AT YOU COMPLAINING THAT YOUR PARENTS TOOK YOU TO A MUSEUM – you’re missing the point.) I remember my mom yelling at me to look up at the fancy buildings in New York – she had her hand firmly around my wrist and I was staring down at the sidewalk. I guess the buildings are cool, but I couldn’t enjoy them for their own sake – I enjoyed the buildings best when I had a friend to run around and have adventures with. Ya feel me? It’s not the buildings, it’s getting to enjoy them with a fellow soul.
I also remember my dad complaining about me one time when we visited those family friends. Making fun of how I loved video games. So even the good moments that I had when we went to family friends seems to be poisoned by my parents.
I felt this hollowness after talking to my mom – a feeling that is very familiar from my childhood.
Well articulated. It is a difficult task to translate the abstract realm of profound feeling and insight (particularly when it is not an encouraged capacity) into concrete words.
Thank you poets!
Hello! First and foremost, thank you very much for your dedication. Congrats on having 100k subs on YouTube! Yay!
I saw your YouTube video. It was helpful to me because my therapist died while I was their patient. They didn’t expect the end to come when it did or as quickly as it did. Unfortunately for me I was kept in the dark till close to the very end. No time to say goodbye or tie up loose ends, or anything else.
They had professional trustees who for whatever reasons didn’t step in until I tracked them down many months later.
I think it’s very hard for a person who is dying to think straight and make the best decisions, and so arrangements should be made well in advance and open conversations need to be had. And also, someone needs to step in to protect the client when things are no longer going in a healthy direction.
I don’t think much consideration is given to the client, who is left to grieve alone, no chance to say goodbye, and their life and treatment is turned upside by a bereavement when they are neither friend or family.
This is a very tragic set of circumstances for all involved, and you can’t prevent a death, but I think you can prevent some of the pain and suffering a therapy client inevitably goes through in the aftermath.
I think it’s very unfortunate because of course a beloved therapist has died, and deep sympathy goes to their loved ones.
The therapy client is a person too..
Hi Daniel. Congrats on passing that 100k subs!
Hello Daniel,
Your insights have been very helpful in making me connect the dots that are needed to progress my own healing journey, so I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom and shared thoughts. I will make sure to donate to you in the near future to show my gratitude.
If you will spare some time for me, I wanted to ask for an advice about forgiveness. Specifically forgiving oneself. I have experienced a lot of childhood trauma and emotional neglect in my family. And I have acknowledged a lot of the roots and behaviors that I have been exhibiting. Now as I look back on my life, I realized that I have harmed a couple of people, by doing to them some of the exact things that have been done to me. Here I am mostly talking about abandonment and lack of commitment and care. I have started my introspective journey just about a year ago, so I know that I am not very far into It, but It has become very challenging for me to both show compassion for myself for what has happened AND to also come to terms that the way I ended up being, has also hurt others. I am not sure how to balance self acceptance with all of the added guilt of my past actions. I have been struggling with taking responsibility for myself and also for what I do to others, since I have very low self-esteem, I don’t trust myself – my judgement and my emotions (since I have learned early on that my emotions and thoughts are always wrong in some way) and I have a hard time believing sometimes that I will ever be able to treat myself and others well. But I still want to grow into a better person and to learn how to cope in healthier ways, without being destructive to myself or others close to me.
Thanks in advance for reading my comment, and I hope you are having an amazing day,
Best wishes,
Jovana
Hi Jovana,
I think the only way to forgive oneself is to keep growing and healing — to work out the root issues that caused one to do the things you feel bad about, and by working this out to no longer do those things… For me it’s been through self-therapy — exhuming my past and grieving my losses from it. I have a self-therapy playlist on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRHLaIzKomTjZpFsYI0NPnHUteoRHLTiL Maybe there’s something good in there for you? Greetings and best wishes back to you! Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I’m a 35 y/o male, dealing with mild depression accompanied with feelings of deep self-loathing. The depression came about after a succession of setbacks in my life, and the self-loathing is primarily being triggered by my involuntary celibacy and the fact that I have never had sex or a girlfriend in my life. I grew up as a very introverted child with poor social skills, focusing on intellectual and creative solitary activities, spending lots of time in school and eventually building a career as a technology professional. I’ve only had a few encounters with women that had the potential to develop into romantic and/or sexual relationships, but none of them came to fruition for a variety of reasons (not the least of which my honesty, straightforwardness, reclusiveness, and lack of interest in shallow social interactions/events/activities). I never really knew how to go about getting laid or developing a romantic relationship, and in many instances I felt the women I was attracted to were not attracted to me. Bottom line, I still have these needs and desires that I don’t know how to satisfy, and it’s making me feel miserable. I hoped that by this age I would have had some experience and be at a point where I can start a family (or at least be able to decide whether I wanted to) but I’m so far behind on all of these fronts that I’m not sure if there’s any hope, i.e., anything positive to look forward to. I keep telling myself I’m an incompetent loser, and the negative self-talk is being exacerbated by other things I perceive as failures on a professional and personal level (when I’m unable to live up to my expectations and make progress towards things that matter to me). I have lots of pent-up frustration and anger, which combined with my general feeling of discontentment, makes it extremely difficult to remain sane and find the will to keep going.
Anyway, since you’re getting bombarded with messages here and there’s probably no other way for me to interact with you on a deeper level, would you consider making a video on this subject? I watched the videos where you talk about celibacy and your personal experiences with relationships, but could you address these topics from (or for) the point of view of someone who is alone against their will and desires?
Thank you for your time.
Best regards,
Parker
Hi Parker,
I would consider making a video on this subject — it might be useful to a lot of people, but I’d really have to think about it first. Sending greetings — and I’m wishing you the best,
Daniel
Thank you, Daniel.
A couple of things for context — I had a turbulent adolescence and often felt alienated, while experiencing pressure to conform to society and my parents’ expectations. They pushed me to be an overachiever, and I willingly took on the challenge, as it was the only thing I was able to derive my self-esteem from. My relationship with my parents sort of crumbled when I started to individuate and diverge from their idealized image of me, and then I went through a couple of traumatic events during my post-adolescence which made me feel and act in even more dissociative and socially isolating ways.
Regarding relationships, I have always valued deep bonds but often struggled to initiate and maintain them. I am very perceptive and attuned to people’s behaviors and personalities but can get easily overwhelmed by them. There is also the fear of getting hurt or taken advantage of if I allow myself to get very close to someone, which is why I sometimes withdraw or semi-consciously push people away by acting like a jerk in order to maintain a safe distance.
I don’t mind being self-sufficient, but it’s come to a point where I feel quite lonely and uncomfortable in my own skin. My inability to make progress on the “women” front is at the core of this. I’ve ignored it for years at a time, thinking (foolishly) that opportunities will spontaneously manifest and realize themselves. A few years back, I considered paying a friend of a friend to have sex with me (which my friend tried to arrange) but refrained from it due to shame and ethical considerations.
I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, but I have occasionally resorted to binge-eating and porn to alleviate stress and numb my feelings. I contemplated suicide recently, and my rationalization was that if it weren’t for the few people who care about me to one extent or another — and my feeling of responsibility towards them — I’d probably do it. I’m scared I might become truly suicidal if my life keeps moving in the “wrong” direction and I don’t do something radical to change its course, which almost seems like mission impossible at this point in time.
Excuse the lengthy message. Perhaps it will help you consolidate your thoughts to make a video, or help some reader(s) who might relate to my situation or realize they have it much easier in life.
Hi Daniel,
I’m currently finishing my Psychology master’s degree in Poland. I want to become a therapist, and I wonder what kind of therapy you think is best. My current interest is in Young’s Schema Therapy and other from third wave of cognitive-behavioral therapy. What are your thoughts?
Hi Ewa,
Hmm, I’m not sure what is best. I am (or was) most drawn to therapies that looked at the connection between unresolved childhood trauma and adult acting out behavior and other adult problems. But that is me… I think the key for a therapist is to follow their heart and their interests — and to go with their own strengths. Also, when I worked as a therapist I didn’t impose my point of view or my main interest on my clients. Some clients had no interest in looking at their childhoods, and preferred that I work with them in a more CBT-oriented way, so I did. So in that way I learned about a lot of different types of therapy and never had one strict one-size-fits-all approach — and my approach might change with a single client from session to session. I tried to meet their needs for therapy…not my own. Wishing you the best!!! Daniel
Hi Ewa. Where exactly in Poland do you study?
You are a God send to me, as you confirm what I experienced over 10 years with Air Canada, the WCB and the Airline division of CUPE after an extremely close call barely escaping to be blown out of the sky.
I wrote my first book, Broken Wings, in the middle of 10 years of perpetual traumatization by the sources above. I think it saved my sanity.
17 years later I picked up the pen again, knowing I had to, if I wanted to die happily.
My books are meticulously researched, professionally edited and available free on my website nattanya.ca in gratitude to my Creator for having survived relatively unscathed.
You confirmed what I experienced during those horrid years being purposely driven into suicide.
My heart goes out to you in gratitude.
Lots of love,
H. Nattanya Andersen, author
God-Man: The Word Made Flesh (1920 AD) by G.W. Carey and Ines Eudora Perry gives info on why your intestinal/stomach acted up.
Hi Daniel,
I have been struggling so so much. Living is very painful for me. My exterior life is great and I feel so much guilt for feeling the way I do. Antidepressants and psychotherapy have not helped. I am taking the summer to really focus on getting better. What would you recommend I do? I was thinking of an inpatient program, ayahuasca ceremony, or ketamine/MDMA/psilocybin therapy… Im running out of options. What do you suggest I do? I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Hi Nicole,
I’m not sure what to say. If it were me, I’d try things that were less intense and risky than ayahuasca before trying other things. For me, self-therapy was deeply helpful. Also, in my experience most therapists are not good, but some can be excellent…if you can find them.
Wishing you the best, Daniel
Hi Daniel
I would be interested in getting in touch with some of the people who post on your blogs. Would you be able to help me out?
Hi Dee,
How might I do that easily? There are a few stumbling blocks in this. One is that I can’t give out people’s emails unless they expressly want me to. The other is that I have limited time and energy… The easiest would be if you leave your email or some written version of it (like “name at hotmail.com”) in a post and let them get in touch with you, but I totally understand if you don’t want to do that. Any other ideas? Maybe there’s a different website or forum that you can post where people can safely get in touch with each other in a protected way, with direct messages. Do you know of such a thing? If you could find a place like this I would post it on my website for people who wanted to get connected.
All the best,
Daniel
One idea would be to have a facebook group for instance, where followers of yours can connect and discuss. There is also reddit. It seems like there are really interesting and dynamic people drawn to your work and I think it would be really cool to connect.
Hi Astraea,
I like the ideas, but the problem for me is lack of energy and time. I’m too busy already — and I know what kind of a time commitment projects like these can require! If someone else wanted to do this I’d be curious to observe it unfold, but I definitely couldn’t lead it. But I do wish there were an easy way for people interested in these ideas could connect with one another…
All the best,
Daniel
I have mentioned this before, but I started a Discord server with the purpose of connecting people who are on a healing journey. I don’t know if posting a link will flag this as spam, but if there’s anyone that has a Discord account, here is the invite link:
https://discord.gg/FUSxZ4tS5T
It doesn’t have any members right now, but I’d definitely love to have some of the people in these comments in there.
Hi Daniel, setting up a group is easy, the real work would be in the moderation. For that, I think you’d need a trusted moderator, but that is all that you’d really need to make this happen. I hope one steps forward for you.
Hi Daniel
Thanks for getting back to me. I already tried what you suggested, but Youtube obviously is many steps ahead and their algorithms pick up immediately if you try to disguise contact details. I guess it’s for personal protection, and that is probably a very good thing. I am not comfortable posting on public forums. WHat you wrote about is what I am looking for, a safe place for like-minded people to meet online. Maybe, I should collaborate with you to start something like this? I joined a few forums a while, but they became places for victimized people to vent. I’m looking to start something for good vibrations only. Maybe you can contact me.
Hi Dee,
Ah, yes, youtube’s algorithms. But maybe the Discord option that someone else mentioned on this thread is a good idea. The problem is, I agree what you said — that most forums just turn into venting sessions — or even can become verbally abusive. A really good moderator is necessary, I believe, for a good forum. And that takes time and a lot of energy. Basically, it’s a job — and an intense one. And the problem is that I simply don’t have the time or energy. I wish I had a good solution. -Daniel
Like and agree!!
Hi Nicole, I am well-versed spiritual healing and self-therapy and I’d be happy to chat with you, astraea at starmaiden.tv is my address
Hey Nicole,
None of my business but I’m gonna drop my two internet cents.
I went to a lot of therapists, had horribly abusive relationships and remained in that weird trauma fog until my late 30s. I tried various meds, went into the nutter twice and found a few things that helped.
The first thing was a therapist that only dealt with CPTSD/childhood trauma. That’s all she did. I did some weird tapping thing and held some odd buzzers in my hand while talking about the garbage I experienced as a kid. I thought it was woo woo bullshit but, my patterns of thought started to change subsequently leading to behavioral changes.
I also decided I was going to change. This is the most important thing, I think, to really making a difference in your own life. If you are waking up and doing the exact same thing you’ve been doing for years life won’t change. Does that make sense? To change, you actually do have to do things differently. This means learning self discipline, which I found super f’n hard. But, I quit smoking, quit drinking, stopped all drugs and medications, quit my job, broke up with a toxic boyfriend, ditched crappy friends, moved, started a business, started exercising every other day, etc. NOT all at once. Motivation is a rolling ball. You start one thing and learn to stick to it, then you have more motivation, more momentum to change more things.
Anyways, that’s what helped me. I decided to not do things the way I’d been doing the, for 30+ years. I found a therapist that only worked with CPTSD and I started eating better, exercising, I started taking ownership of my life. Life was no longer something that just happened to me.
Hope that helps.
Daniel, what’s your opinion about the HSP trait? Have you heard something about it? Do you have something to share about it from all your years as a therapist? Regards
Hi Patricio,
Hmm, I’m not sure. I’ve read some about HSP, but I’m not sure what I think of it. So unfortunately I don’t think I have much to add. But feel free to share your point of view on it here! Daniel
I don’t know either, but my estimation is that is some made-up concept, full of shit. Pardon me for my french. My reason to think this way is that most therapist especialized in this trait are women, while most patients are women as well (90-10, 80-20). It’s a kind of sustitute to astrology (more so than psychotherapy itself, that is vaguely based on science, in my estimation).
On other things, I’m happy to have come across you, your videos have been extremely helpful. You made me come to my senses, and for that I am grateful (even though I feel more anxious tham before).
I wish you well
Hello Daniel,
I just recently watched your video on why you quit being a therapist. I am going to start college in a couple months as a psychology major. I’ve always been very interested in the human mind and helping other people so therapy and psychiatry have always been major points of interest for me. After watching your video however I’ve become hesitant in studying in that field. Do you believe theres still merrit into going into this field of work or is it something you wouldnt suggest?
Thank You for your time.
Hi Hassan,
I think psychology is a fascinating subject. The therapy field has its limits, for sure, and psychiatry is quite corrupt, so I think it’s important that if someone has a deep interest in the subject, then it helps if they go into it with more knowledge — with eyes wide open. I still think there’s value in studying it — and certainly the world needs more good clinicians…
Daniel
Hi Daniel. I was systematically bullied during college by hundreds and hundreds of people. Most of these trauma related people all live around my area, and areas near by. I suffer from severe OCD due to my trauma however I’m doing my best to self heal and potentially reduce my obsessions.
My question is, you got away from your situation and people who traumatized me, however in my case, there isn’t an option for this, and my previous therapists advised me and my parents stayed in the same area and I learned to deal with these people in a different way, learn to cope better around them, stand up for myself etc
It’s extremely tough though, I encounter hundreds of people each day that are all linked to heavy trauma I suffered
What do you recommend I do?
Thanks for the wonderful content!
Tom
Hi Tom —
I’m overwhelmed with messages right now, but maybe others have ideas for you?
Wishing you all the best!
Daniel
Tom, stay strong. Life is hard for sure. Sounds like you are doing all the work the difficulty is clear which makes you brave. Are you sure that you cant leave? I am fortunate enough to have the choice to be around who I choose but if I did not, I can’t imagine having the space I really need to fully heal and grieve. If my abuse or abusers were active it would be too much. In some way, even if not geographically, but somehow I would keep my self away. In the worst case scenario I would have to figure out a way to mentally separate if I truly had no other choice. But even then I don’t think we can find the strength to grieve without a community, do you have support outside your parents? Are there others who understand how your environment is another source of trauma? I think if you are going to let go much of this trauma and become more of your true self it’s going to take a network of support including those who are also part of the community.
Hi Paul, thanks so much for the empathetic response, it means a lot. Sadly I live with my parents and claim universal credit whilst volunteering for a charity, therefore I don’t have the financial capacity to be able to get away. My parents don’t want to move, and they don’t totally understand the sheer trauma I suffer/ed. it is very hard I must admit, because I face these people every day. I don’t want to disassociate however sometimes I feel I have to, to be able to get through
Many thanks,
tom
Hey Tom,
I was wondering what you’ve found your meaning of life to be?
Hey Tom,
I’m wondering if you’d be up for some exchange?
First, how is today going for you?
Yes definetely! I’m doing okay thank you
Hi Daniel, I recently saw your video on OCD and I agree with many of your conclusions. I am an expert in this topic and have come to the same realization that many of my compulsions and obsessions derive from childhood trauma. I would just like to emphasize that the gold standard for treatment is ERP for OCD, and I do not see this therapy and healing trauma as mutually exclusive. In fact, during the process of recovery I have found they work synergistically. I don’t believe that every compulsion is a product of trauma however.
It was a good video and I just wanted to add my personal experience and clarify that one distinction. Suffers are unlikely to recover without proper ERP intervention.
Thanks Alexander. I really don’t know so much about ERP. But I have noticed that a couple of folks on that OCD video I put up commented that they felt harmed by ERP. Is that common?
Greetings,
Daniel
Hello Daniel,
I wanted to start off by saying that I have come across your videos recently and I think that you are helping a lot of people with your insight on various mental health topics. I have pretty severe social anxiety. I have been struggling with it for most of my life (I’m now 25). I have a lot of difficulty working and making friends and I am very isolated and lonely. I was wondering if you had any tips or feedback for someone struggling with social anxiety or if you could potentially make a video about it.
Thanks!
Hi Julia,
I did make one video on the subject: https://youtu.be/_joc4rO17Ls
I wonder if it’s helpful… If not, maybe you have an idea for a better video??
Daniel
Like Daniel, I completely agree that the mental health ‘system’ has it wrong. The National Health Service in the UK works slightly differently than the insurance system in the US, but it is also surprisingly similar. I have been a front line mental health worker for the NHS for the last 5 years and can vouch for the fact that mental health support for some people is a 5 minute medication review with the psychiatrist every few months. Talking therapies are limited. Medication is pushed. I come across a lot of people who are struggling because of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, abuse etc; but these issues often go unaddressed. I was interested in becoming a mental health worker because I had my own mental health issues. I developed complex post traumatic stress disorder,(CPTSD) as a result of narcissistic parenting. I couldn’t find help in the NHS so I did my own research and discovered a therapy called Matrix Reimprinting. If anyone would like to know more about how this therapy can change a person’s life for the better, please read my book – The Lost Child – a story of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, available on Amazon. Free on Kindle Unlimited and £2.99 to download the e-book. – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BW9N8ZHL
Hi Charlie,
The system here in the US sounds very similar. Though, my experience is that the majority in the mental health field here care, or at one point cared, and had/have altruistic intentions. Only a small few I’ve run into seem to have malevolent intent.
I’ll put the book you mentioned on my reading list, which is really long at the moment. Seems like there is an overwhelming amount of self help books, philosophies, self help courses, meditations, etc. to guide us along the recovery path.
I’ve just started Macklers From Trauma to Enlightenment. The first few questions are pretty intense. Have you read it and worked through it? The next books on my list are The Body Keeps the Score and If You Meet The Buddha on The Road, Kill It by Sheldon Koop.
I’m curious about your journey. Along your path and out of everything you’ve read, watched or done, what has given you the biggest sense of peace?
Best,
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for considering reading my book. I think we’re in an age where the old paradigms of power are falling away. People are realising that people with credentials/experts in the field, do not necessarily know everything. I’ve just finished watching a show on Netflix called ‘Take Care of Maya’ – it really highlights how single minded those high up in the medical profession can be sometimes, with terrible consequences. Of course, it’s not just the medical profession. The same can be said for the justice system, the education system, child protection services etc etc.
I haven’t heard of ‘Macklers From Trauma to Enlightenment’, no. How are you finding it? ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ is a great book. So is ‘Healing the shame that binds you’ by John Bradshaw. But the book I would say that changed my life was ‘The Mythology of self-worth’ by Richard L Franklin. I did the CBT exercises in that book for about a year. The best thing I’ve ever done for my recovery was Matrix –Reimprinting – a trauma therapy that heals childhood trauma wounds. Hope that helps
I’ll see if I can find that documentary on amazon. You might enjoy the documentary The Strangest Village in Britain. It highlights how good care for disabled can be.
I agree the systems we have in place are flawed. However, societal norms change, information changes making it very hard for any nationwide system to keep up. I don’t think they are failures. In most areas we’ve improved. The mental health field used to be atrocious. We had no understanding of mental well being, no therapies or medications to help anyone and just locked people up and starved them. Aa victim of the shitty mental health machine I’m not necessarily advocating for how we do things now, but it does seem better than it was.
I like that people are more Leary of health professionals but there’s a major downside. For example, a cleaning client of mine (I’m a maid) has a swollen and painful cervical lymph node. It’s a classic sig of Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a treatable lymphatic cancer. She’s untrusting of western medicine so, has decided to go to a holistic practitioner which prescribed some vitamins, salt baths and bone broth. She still hasn’t had her blood tested, even at my urging. A lot of people in my town look for alternative care, most of it seemingly garbage and dangerously experimental. But, there is a balance somewhere with integrative care.
Daniel has published several books. You can find them under the books tab. I decided to try his “Trauma To Enlightenment” since my current state of existence has me at a loss for my “why”.
The books you mentioned have been added to the never-ending book list. I’ve been slowing working through Bradshaw “Homecoming”.
I’ve heard of matrix reimprinting but only in passing. Can you elaborate on how it changed you?
I just wish the system would be a little more open minded when they know they don’t have all the answers. For example I know that Matrix Reimprinting has changed my life, but the NHS wall is impenetrable. They say they are interested in movers and shakers and hold regular discussion sessions, but new information just seems to fall down a black hole never to be discussed again.
I think lots of people on the front line are amazing, but I think that the system works against us the whole time. In some ways, things have improved. For example adult social care for vulnerable adults with learning disabilities – has got much better. But children’s MH services much worse. When I was a teenager my GP sent me to a psychiatrist and the referral took days. Now they have to wait months, even if they are actively suicidal or violent.
You’re right. We do need to find a balance. The problem is when we swing from one extreme to the other. I really hope your client gets the treatment she needs quickly. Aggressive cancers are on the rise exponentially atm. Unfortunately, with anything that’s unregulated you’re going to get your charlatans. And with any line of work I think its healthy to assume at least a 1/3 are incompetent, either because they’re frauds or just because they’re lazy or not skilled enough to be charging the money they do. 1/3 are satisfactory, just hustling their way through life. Only a 1/3 are exceptional. But with 2/3 of crap to wade through, sorting the wheat from the chaff isn’t easy!
Matrix Reimprinting is essentially about reconnecting with our wounded inner child. It’s a strange very emotional sometimes crazy making experience. I had no awareness of my inner child until I started to do matrix reimprinting. Gradually I realised that she came out of the shadows a lot, and tried to hijack situations that I struggled to manage as an adult. I guess in a sense my inner child was trying to rescue the adult me. (I know, it sounds crazy right?!)
But of course, it always goes horribly wrong because the child part of us is even less competent than the adult, so it doesn’t feel like rescuing at all. It feels like self-sabotage. It’s just our inner child screaming to be noticed. My inner child was screaming for 40 years before I took any notice. When I finally realised what was really going on, I was no longer angry at her for shaming me and sabotaging me. I apologised to her for ignoring her all this time. First our mum ignored her all the time, then I did. She gradually grew to trust me because I was no longer scolding and insulting her. I was no longer shouting despicable things at her. I was no longer continuing the abuse of my mother, Instead, for the first time ever, I showed tolerance, compassion, patience, understanding, trust, and loyalty. I gradually showed up more as the adult, and reassured her that I got this. She doesn’t need to try to protect me any more. Gradually my inner child stopped hijacking adult situations. We finally merged. Which is what should have happened naturally as part of the maturing process, if I’d had an emotionally healthy upbringing.
I hope that doesn’t sound too whack a doodle do!
I laughed out loud about your 1/3 assessment. It seems a universal statistic. Haha.
What you said about matrix reimprinting makes sense and doesn’t sound whacky at all. It sounds like you were able to identify behaviors and patterns caused by old wounds and address them.
With all the healing you’ve been through, what brought you to Daniels videos and website?
What brought me to this site? Well, working for the NHS has been a frustrating process, to say the lease. I work with many people that are on anti-depressants and/anti-anxiety medication. Many say they don’t work. The talking therapy that is offered to those suffering from historical trauma is very limited both in time, and variety. They follow a protocol that can not be deviated from. So, almost no one knows about matrix-reimprinting, despite it’s high success rate, because the NHS will not endorse it.
I wrote my book to help guide those who have hit a brick wall with the NHS. (Some have even reported that the NHS has told them, ‘sorry, there’s nothing more we can do for you. You’re too traumatised!’ Or, ‘we can’t give you therapy at this stage because it would be too triggering for you’.
I came across a youtube video from Daniel, and just had to respond, because it was so refreshing to hear a MH professional speak so honestly about the flaws in the system. This kind of integrity is so rare! I guess I just wanted to reach out to someone who feels the same way I do.
I imagine it is frustrating. In regards to the frustration, is it the inability to reach more people, the therapies offiered? What do you see as a solution financially and practically?
Well first of all, the NHS would need to change their business practices. i.e be more open minded, and look for answers outside of the pharmaceutical model. However, because of how things are set up, they simply will not do this.
People in the UK need to stop thinking that the NHS is the gold standard, It isn’t. We have been conditioned to only follow the protocol laid out by the NHS because we pay for the NHS in our taxes. People understandably resent having to pay for private therapy, when they’ve already paid for the NHS through their taxes.
I imagine that people in the UK will only look outside of the NHS once it’s become clear that it’s collapsed.
That’s all very understandable. It doesn’t seem like most governments instigate sociocultural change and, one could argue that’s a good thing. It seems like having a the larger majority of populations decide what changes they want, then impose those on government to pass as rules/laws is a fairer way to ensure the changes are indeed wanted by the society as a whole. But, that’s just my opinion and in essence I agree government should adopt ways in which it makes change easier, particularly in the mental health field.
So, I’m curious. After your struggles and triumph over these struggles, what is your meaning in life? What drives you to get up in the morning?
Daniel,
My name is Michelle. I just discovered your YouTube channel a few weeks ago and feel like I am more loving to myself and others after watching each video. There is something about your compassionate, profound self-reflection that helps me feel at ease when working on my own internal shortcomings. May you be at peace and may positive things find their way to you.
Thanks Michelle!!
Hi Daniel,
I’m a 19 Vietnamese student and I first watch your videos a few months ago. Your videos helped me understand what I was and still am going through, I really appreciate them. In the mean time I myself also want to do some non-profit creative contents on the fields of healing from childhood traumas and personal growth and I want to mention a lot of your philosophy, maybe even translating some of your videos into Vietnamese, I’ll be sure to give credit. Is it OK for me to do so?
Hi Quynh,
Greetings. I was in Vietnam (in the north) last year — I loved it! Yes, feel free to use or translate my work however you wish.
All the best,
Daniel
Thank your so much, Daniel
Thank your so much, Daniel
Hello Daniel, I have think your videos are excellent and your philosophy around trauma resonate with me greatly. My question is a long shot, and I know you have criticised the mental health system, but I wondered if you could recommend a good therapist in the North of England?!
Hi Joe —
Alas, I don’t know anyone in the north of England who fits the bill. I’m not really recommending any therapists right now — I’m just rather out of the loop for that!
Daniel
Hi Joe, if it’s childhood trauma you’re looking to recover from, the best therapy I believe is called matrix reimprinting. It’s such a small,field that any matrix reimprinting therapist will most likely have been trained by the leader in the field mark dawson. I would recommend looking for a matrix reimprinting therapist in your area……so much better than what thre NHS have to offer. Good luck!
Hi, I finally put up some of my own videos that bounce off your ideas.
“Icky covert dynamic in my family” (https://youtu.be/TE0tAZOyklc)
“Physical abuse in my family system” (https://youtu.be/KI8QFrAYr_8)
There’s also a few more on my channel, about how school messed me up (very similar to your thoughts on school/teachers).. and also a video about screen addictions and how it stems from neglect.
Apologies for posting so frequently on here.
– Parik
Wishing you the best, Parik!
Hello!!
I just want to thank you a lot for your videos. You are one of the most honest people I have seen, and I had a lot of new insights atching your videos. I am struggling with a lot of things and losses lately, and I think it is because of many traumas I have endured and shut off. Your videos are helping me figure out myself! Thank you again!
RJ-
You’re welcome!
Daniel
Thank you. You are a brave and noble gentleman. I have learned from and appreciated your perspectives and videos. Bravo.
hello Daniel,
thank you for your videos. your philosophy has echoed the truth that i’ve been feeling for years. i’m currently forced to keep my family in my life for some more time as i become financially independent. watching your videos validates my emotions and is helping me get through this difficult time in my life.
love from Texas
Thanks!
Hi Dr. Mackler,
I love your content and can’t wait to read some of your books! I had some questions. If you feel up to responding great, if not, no worries.
Why do some people with CPTSD move so much? Me and many others move constantly and are unable to settle for long periods in one spot. Do you know why?
Is this why you have travelled so much and haven’t settled down? Just going off info from one video, that could no longer apply.
Lastly, how does one get out of this. I’ve been debating moving again (move no.17) and feel conflicted that this move is just a pattern repeat rather than fully conscious decision. Can’t find any literature on this. You seem like a smart guy, maybe you have more insight into these things than I do. ?
Best,
Jen
Hi Jen,
I’m not sure I have any good answers to your question about movement. Maybe other people who will read this message, however, will… As for how to move forward and heal, there are a lot of essays on this website and I have a lot of videos on healing from trauma, and on doing self-therapy. Maybe some will be useful…
Also, by the way — I’m not a doctor. When I was a therapist I wasn’t a doctor either, rather a licensed clinical social worker.
Sending greetings—
Daniel
I’m sorry, with all the books, content, your own practice, and how you speak I just assumed you had a doctorate.
Your content has thus far been very useful, thank you. I appreciate you, thank you.
Thanks Jen — and no need for an apology. The only reason I clarified that I don’t have a doctorate is that I don’t want to seem like I’m misrepresenting myself. I personally don’t put a lot of stock in degrees or qualifications or titles. I know a lot of people with doctorates who are nincompoops, and I know a lot of people who have no degrees who are brilliant and lovely. I care more about people with real life experience, a good heart, and an open mind.
Wishing you the best!!
Daniel
You aren’t misrepresenting. You just sound very intelligent and have a lot of accomplishments. Living in Boulder, the degree capital of the US, I try to be sensitive and acknowledge those achievements. It important to people around here.
While out to dinner with friends, meeting a woman for the first time I asked her, “what do you do”? She replied, “I have a PhD”. I don’t know if she PhD’d in the mornings or just on the weekends. Haha. Funny, but many of these people come from vey warped families which led them to over achieve or rely heavily on their resume as a source of self esteem.
One woman here, raised by an exceptionally wealthy and narcissistic family went on to become somewhat of a sociopath. She currently pays $300k a year of her own money to support 4 employees at a non profit she started 15 years ago. The interesting caveat is that the non profit has not helped one single person, ever. For 15 years the employees have showed up to a mostly empty building where they sit around for 8 hrs, then go home. She started the non profit to get adoration from people.
Anyways, thank you again. I look forward to more great content.
Thanks Jen — and I appreciate the stories!
Daniel
Do you ever do any free lance life coaching?
Hi Jen,
In the past I have done some freelance conversations for hire — I don’t call it life coaching, because I never really felt like I was coaching anyone….just having a conversation.
Maybe again I’ll do something like that in the future — if or when I have the energy!!
Greetings,
Daniel
Please, pretty please? I feel you have experiences and knowledge that will help me. I can pay in cash, homemade pickles, cheese and jellies. I’m not looking for definitive answers to anything, no one has them. But, I believe you have an awareness that I haven’t been able to find in coaching, therapy,psychiatry, church or among friends. Maybe something you say or an experience you’ve had might connect some of life’s puzzles.
Please, pretty please with a homemade pickle on top.
Jen, I would recommend the book “The body keeps the score”. It talks about movement and body and trauma healing. By Bessel Van Der Kolk.
Irena,
Thank you so much for the suggestion! I heard about this book through an emdr therapist and have seen in me tinned in a facebook group called healing from CPTSD. I didn’t know it touched on moving. With so many rec’s it’s now on my thriftbooks.com purchase list.
To return the kindness here are some resources you might like; Home Coming by Jihn Bradshaw. It’s good for finding your inner child, identifying its wounds and actual steps in protecting and comforting that child. Free Yourself from depression by Michael Yapko. This book is great for identifying maladaptive daily patterns of behavior which hinder physical and emotional healing and subsequently lead to a depressed soul/mind. The Bible, great for learning boundaries and finding internal self worth.
Man’s Search for meaning by Viktor Frankl.
An odd rec that I’m reading right now is Hitlers Biography by Toland. Dark but a great real life example of how a chaotic environment combined with neglect and abuse can lead to psychosis, psychopath, depression, etc.
Some YT channels: Tim fletcher has extensive talks on CPTSD.
Dr.yapko great for targeting behaviors.
Patrick Teahan. Great for validation of feelings and some dbt.
Out of everything I’ve read, watched and learned from others, I’ve found the most helpful things to be developing a healthy relationship with Jesus/God, validation and my current journey of self discovery. Validation meaning hearing others speak about their own emotions as a result of abuse and neglect. Self discovery meaning just that, who am I now as I heal and throw off those burdens I’ve been blanketed in for so long. Lastly, my old therapist who was able to lift me from the fog through validating my feelings. I had a Vaillancourt over my eyes until my late 30s.
Would you feel comfortable saying what you’ve found most helpful to you during your healing journey?
I recently watched your videos on Is My Therapist Good or Not?, On Anxiety, and Critique of BPD; and I was wondering if it is ever worth it to challenge a diagnosis in order to have a permanent record changed? Or, is it something to just let go of and move on from? Would it only be an issue if the record in question is something that might come up later?
Hi Jeff,
I can’t think of any time I’ve seen a patient challenge their diagnosis and get it changed as a result. (Perhaps it does happen, but I’ve just never seen it.). Instead, what I’ve seen (many times) is when patients challenge their diagnoses their therapists (present or past) dig in their heels and work harder to justify it. And often this makes more problems for the client — and maybe even gets the client labels with further diagnoses, usually not very nice ones. Often I think moving on is the best course, as awful as that might be. Wish I didn’t have to say that…
Daniel
Thank you so, so much for your videos. You have helped me give myself something I didn’t know I lost. I appreciate it deeply.
Hello Daniel,
I hope you’re doing great. I’m happy that I found your YT,
I have so much to say but I have no energy to do due to what I have been through.. I just want to thank for the work you do, I went recently to a “therpist” and he basically tried to shut me down.. he did exactly what you described in your videos on YT. Please take great care of yourself, I am proud of you and that I met you ..at least here .. in this virtual space.
May God belss you and protect you.
Majda AM.
I really can’t tell you how much your YouTube channel means to me. I won’t go down my own laundry list of traumas, but reading your video titles overwhelms me (in a good way) by hitting all the right notes. I’ll be devouring this content for some time, I believe. I’m already sharing it with my family, too. So, thank you!
For the past three decades, I have been very focused on stopping the transgenerational trauma that I know worked its way to me over a long, long time. But… I’ve done it more though force of will than through understanding. What do I mean? This has been an obstacle for me, because my energy has been more directed toward STOPPING the transference than being used for my own healing. This, of course, probably made my efforts less effective than they could have been. So now, as I stare 56 years in the face, I find that I am suffering in much the same way that I was suffering when I was 2… or at any point along the 54 years that followed.
So, today I am seeking true trauma therapy that will take me to and through the things I have experienced. The difference is that this time I will have help. Better late than never.
My parents are so toxic I am almost 60 and I need to stop
they comment on my hair my weight my house and there are other comments that aren’t said out loud
they “gave” us some money and now they, in particulate my father has some attitude that we owe them
My sister has been evil all her life and they keep funneling money to her
she had a child with invitro and that cemented my parents obligation to support her.
She has a six figure job but still takes money from them to pay for his school
She is clever, everybody was repelled by her but lo and behold a child was born.
My parents treat her with kid gloves
My mother has cancer now and my horrid sister says so many evil things to me, like I need help and I stole my mothers phone to keep her from talking to her. which is so not true I have no interest in doing that. If my mother wants to confide in my sister so be it. I saw some texts between them about me and it broke my heart
IDK if this is the best place to put this but thanks if anyone read 🙂
Hey there, Daniel. I just watched your video on YouTube “The Two Things That Change People.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyqcqjwHcis Your perspectives are so clear on this subject. And I’m seeing your post now from just two days ago, and man oh man! This hurts my heart. I’m just wondering of there’s something obliging you to continue knowing these people. When I read this post, (after having viewed your video on Greif vs. Trauma) I was surprised to discover that you haven’t cut these people out of your life completely. That’s what I’m hoping for as I “watch this movie.” (Run, Daniel, Run!) (Forgive me for being Captain Obvious here; but it seems like all signs are pointing to NO CONTACT. Am I missing something. P.S. My heart really goes out to you, and a protective feeling came over me, longing for you to seek shelter…for your own safety….once and for all.
Thanks for your share here. Powerful! Self realization is a gift that keeps giving. … you know you are worthy of the I Am way of life.
Sending you a huge hug. Pathological family dynamics like this are so toxic, draining, and heartbreaking.
I had to cut off all contact with my mother and siblings back in 2004, as my mother is a narcissist, older sister is a vulnerable narcissist and my oldest sister has borderline personality disorder (and is the most decent of all of them). My older brother, the family scapegoat, died recently of a heart attack (age 59).
I wouldn’t wish narcissistic parents on my worst enemy. It’s a very lonely life.
Just know that someone read your post, believes you, and understands.
Wishing the very best for you going forward~
Hello Daniel,
Here’s a therapist here—long in the tooth, so I knew the field of clinical social work when it was so much healthier and robust. Later, of course, I witnessed firsthand its tragic cooptation by business and behavioralism. (And I do mean tragic.)
I very much like your take on the source of much of our distress in a “system” of parenting where not only are children unsupported in their needs, but parents too are given short shrift. Evolution didn’t plan for daycare, daddy’s daytime disappearance, and the loss of community. In my second (unpaid) gig as, ahem, poet, I’ve penned some verses about the situation that you might like this brief sample of.
Wishing you the best,
Steve Advocate
New Haven
Here’s Looking at You, Kid
There’s two totalitarians who rule the land,
Down to secretions of the lachrymose gland.
On guard against rebellion’s semaphore,
Each shrug and sigh will be accounted for.
Relax! Release yourself to their control.
It’s in their bosom that you’ll find your soul.
The apprehensive shifting of your eyes
Exposes your evasions and white lies.
The twisting of the lip, how you perspire,
Is all they need—to know that you conspire
Against your father’s law and loving mother,
Who gave you breath and have the right to smother
You in cold blood in your warm bed tonight
Should they suspect your dreams don’t seem quite right.
So give a hug, you know we love you, dear.
With that sweet mug, why would you need to fear?
Congratulations!
Uncle Walter never snuck
Into your room to fuck.
You grew up in the glare of hope,
Misunderstandings weren’t settled with a hammer or a rope.
Your smile as passport, you were able
To cross the border to the cool kids’ table.
You aviated over every hurdle,
The milk of human kindness didn’t curdle.
You didn’t skulk at the back of the class
Like an ass,
Suitably suited and degreed,
Your university wasn’t the street,
The people who raised you
Didn’t disgrace you,
No one lost their job or worked too many hours,
On birthdays and other fine occasions there were flowers.
You learned your grammar and your history,
And if the hardships of this world remain a mystery,
The God of your invention
Who puts the bad boys in detention
Says we all get our deserving,
Including every prisoner and the term he’s serving.
No wonder you’ve grown confident, if not content,
Blinded by good fortune to the way the rules are bent.
If the car breaks down there’s plastic for another,
Or else you borrow from your dad or mother,
And will not lose the job and miss the mortgage payment,
You’ll keep your silverware, your holidays and fine raiment,
Pleased that from your up you can look down
To give the deadbeats a smug, reproachful frown,
Armed with an explanation that to all your friends rings true—
That the holy mess their life’s in
Is in the way of a confession
That they’re not as good as you.
Thanks Steve!
OMG! I’m a creative writer with a diagnosed “mood disorder” 30 years and still ticking. I consider my self a fairly skilled at my craft but for the love of God and all that benefits humankind, Steve Advocate deserves a freaking Nobel Prize or some kind of massive public recognition for his totally on point creative expression.
I could learn so much from people like you and him. I wish there were more folks like you around.
I would be thrilled at the chance to meet up with you guys sometime. Even if it’s just once for coffee at Starbucks! My goodness!
God BLESS your life dude!
May you keep shining your light of truth everywhere in this darkened world!
It’s mostly because of people like you
that I can still love life.
As human beings you ROCK!!✌️
Thanks for sharing your uplifting thoughts! It feels good in my soul.
Steve, I love your poem, particularly the last stanza (verse?).
When I started my healing journey, I really thought that I wanted to become a therapist. I went back to my alma mater and started an MED program. It was so horrible.
All they talked about was : when to force someone into a hospital for “their own good,” why you should live like a poor person and work for very little at a nonprofit instead of private(complete with professors complaining about their own finances!), and then finally one of the professors providing us with “information” about how she’ll provide discounts if anyone wants to use her for observation hours lmfao!!!!
That was my first and last semester. It was extremely disappointing, I assumed we’d be contemplating our feelings more, and learning about being healthy people. Instead it was just extremely toxic. I’ve met more self aware professors via random English classes!
Watching your video on Sexual Abuse of sons by mothers – because there is something I really think needs blowing the lid off. I saw it again only a few years ago and was in a position where I didn’t feel I could comment. I realised on seeing it that it was normal with my mother and brother too – mothers playing with their son’s scrotum – getting hold of it and wobbling it when they are babies and toddlers – when they are changing the nappy, when the toddler is naked and comes running to see them.
When I saw it a few years ago I was shocked because I was horrified having not been around mums and little boys in a long time – and realised what hadn’t registered when I was younger. How awful – and in full view, with absolutely NO thought that there might be anything wrong with them doing so.
That is definitely a thing, still, very much so (UK).
Here is an excerpt from page 62 of the drama of the gifted child by Pia who shares some of her experience which I connected with ;
The world has not changed. There is so much evil and meanness all around me, and I see it even more clearly than before. Nevertheless, for the first time I find life really worth living. Perhaps this is because, for the first time, I have the feeling that I am really living my own life. And that is an exciting adventure. On the other hand, I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth – when it seemed pointless to carry on – because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn’t mine, that I didn’t want, and that I was ready to throw away.
In my own words, I feel and think that a very large portion of the global population is just straight out DELUSIONAL and seriously misguided , and I have suffered from others projections , mainly my family of origin and they from there origins as well… However I can say that my life as I sit here at my keyboard writing this out – is good and I am not even close to being finished ! …and I am 58 years young ! I still have the physical body that I had when I was in my twenties… and teens too! The exterior features have not changed that dramatically…
Other peoples projections are like parasites or viruses , and it takes a healthy psychic immune system to hold them at bay and be un effected by them…
This is why I am starting to feel excited and strong from reading Miller’s book, because it is fostering an inner ( natural inner strength ) of being my authentic self – and the ways in which to do it seem very doable and conceivable from what she is saying and you so beautifully re iterate through your videos Daniel…
Anyway, just some more thoughts I wanted to share…
All my best to everyone here…
Hope every one is having a peaceful and pleasant Memorial Day…
I really like your “immune system ” comment. That’s a great way to put it!
Thank you…
I just wanted to say that Alice Miller’s book about Drama of the gifted child – is a really heavy and deep book ! Wow ! As I have been reading it I think to myself, how can she know all of this? As I have been reading – I feel that I need to takes breaks and go out side to smoke and try to allow this material to seep into my psyche… For years I have been so out of touch with some of my core feelings… As I have been sitting with this stuff that I am getting closer to, I feel a subtle opening – something trying to come up from with in me, but it still feels very faint … I have had some dreams which seem very interesting and revealing different contexts and what seems like dis associated scenarios… I also get a lot of snap shots of memories from my long ago past, however my feelings feel very faint and un effected by those memories… Having more of them as I write about it now… Ones which start to evoke feelings of being loved and appreciated by a teacher who caused me to feel loved in an honest way…
What motivates me to read and share here, is the hope and expectation of my individual/personal sense of vitality and autonomy and ability to rely on my own inner strength / resources to process my own unrequited feelings… Just by stating this, is giving me a feeling of strength and self confidence…
I can get a sense why it feels easy for me to read Guntrip’s book Daniel… Because it is very intellectual and dry – it becomes a merrily intellectual aerobic gyration for me… Alice’s book is striking deep emotional chords with in me which have been asleep and dormant – this is where my real stuff lays…
Anyway, just some thoughts of mine I wanted to offer and share to this community of people who write and visit this page…
Thank you again for your generosity of spirit Daniel…
I just finished watching this. Wow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPySDBkkfw
Is it Worth it to Try to Heal Our Traumas? — A Psychological Cost-Benefit Analysis. Ended up leaving a comment but also wanted to post here too.
Thank you so much Daniel. What a great talk. I’ve been in recovery for a long time and now am the director of my process. In recent years I’ve been gaslighted by therapists who can’t handle that I like to do a lot of different methods and have learned how to be with my childish dissociated parts in a loving compassionate way. The heavy-lifting therapy that put me on this path is called PSIP, using cannabis and psychotherapy, a full-body process where you experience life as a 3-6 year old self. Cannabis has this amazing property that it is very difficult to dissociate, so in a loving space, with a therapist who has done LOTS of their own work it takes you into the horrendous past – but you want to stay and KNOW. Now, daily, I sit with the relational triggers, typically from the work day, that lead me back to my traumatised selves. I sit, as much as possible WITH the dissociated child – my body locking up, frozen, sometimes can barely breathe, chocking and wanting to vomit. I have to and want to Be IN and WITH and hold gratitude for the vulnerable child telling me their physical truth, at an age where physiology and psychology are blended. BE-IN-NESS allows WITH-NESSING. So amazing, so inspired.
Hi
My name is Connie
I am a New Zealander – dont let the health care fool you. I was born and nreed here. I was wad bprm into an EXTREMELY exclusive xult called the Ligjt Of Christ Covent Community. I am oneof ten children.
I ran away from my arranged marriage and life at 19ys…into a pregnancy with mynow husband (love him unendingly, thpugh awate i was raised for it). I am. Now 35yrs, married, 2 boys….. And no. One in the world who wants to accept and acknowledge the 150 pax strong culti lived in
And the horrors. It was not okay. It was not legal. No one has ever been held. To account.
I Live with my trauma, im scared because my monsters have become my friends.
NZ apparently has free health care… But it has no one equipped for this shit (please pardon my manners).
I have gone through multiple therapists and…. Wow… Even with their desire to help … They can’t. And thwir systems are so rigid and dogmatic, its like being back in the said born cult.
Tjeu dont understand. Nor will they let you talk about things…. I have undergone decades of crimes against myself… Ans therapists kewp talking about ‘not retraumatising’… In themosy gaslighting way. As if i didnt know. And in a way that tbey never have to talk about it..
When…. I know i bee. Through a hell they will never know. For this I need help. Do t pussy foot me.
All this to say… I dont. Know to to get on your list.. I camt even afford you.
But I been watching your videos, and for the first time, i didntfeel crazy or completely alone.
Thank you.
Sorry for the ramble. I do t know where else to put it, bit thanj you for helping me in working out that ‘therapy’ was, forme, making thing worse.
Wosh we vouls speak.
CONNIE
Wishing you the best, Connie!!
Thanks for sharing this.
Daniel
Hello Daniel, I am new to your YT channel, and lately have been watching you 24/7. Just beautiful and love the ideas and thoughts you share. Are you doing any speaking engagements this summer? I would really like to see and hear you in person. Your insights and awareness are very enlightening to my new world of being awake. Very much enjoyed your opinion of Jordan Peterson and am in total agreement with you on his wrong idea of child raising. Really glad I came upon your channel and hope to hear more from you in the future.
Caro Spereman
La Vista, NE
Thanks Caro!
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
since i confronted my mother about the nature of her business (prostitution and pimping) i have never been the same. I saw a few of your videos and could relate to a lot of things that you said. I have never had the courage to go to professional and tell them my story to seek insights. Like you, i too have been distancing myself from the world and all the people that tried to change me for worse. I write to you in my solitude at the gate of grief to tell you about myself because if felt i should since you shared yourself with me. Or perhaps, you telling me about your journey inspired me to become more vocal about myself. I neither had father to tell me rights and wrongs nor my mother. Through trial and error, and a lot of errors, i now have slowly started putting together all the hazy puzzle pieces of my life that i once overlooked. I dont know what i am today but i do remember a younger more purer confident full of life me which had so much to give to the world. After wronging so many people i now strive to become conscious of my actions and behaviour. I hope one day i can once again become a whole me.
Wishing you the best, Mohit!
Daniel
Dear god Daniel, you are right about everything.
I’m thinking about my mother’s childhood and all the ways her parents, older brothers, uncles must’ve destroyed her childhood, how they must’ve severed her childhood friendships. I suspect they forced my mother to move to a bigger city so she could bring home money.. Or tried to send her to a boarding school. I can only imagine how scheming and backstabbing and conniving my mother’s parents and uncles must’ve been. That poor child that she was, just wanting stability and to play with her friends. And now as an adult, she just watches TV all day – and lashes out whenever you try to talk about her past or childhood. I can see the inner child in her, even when she can’t. Dear god you are right about everything. All the betrayals and backstabbing we experienced as children never actually goes away when we’re adults. And in our modern world we just have so many technological distractions that prevent us from reconnecting with our childhood pain and rage. Dear god you are right about everything.
Thank you for sharing this… It was painful to read, but I am glad that I did… It just reminds me of how when some one lashes out at me, it is really not about me at all…
Hay Daniel, You are going to get a kick out of this one… I was looking for Alice Miller’s book of the drama of the gifted child… I bought it many years ago and it was some were in the large collection of books that I have accumulated through the years… Well I found it in the psychology self help section of my bookshelf in my bedroom… …and do you know what ? I had two others, of her books ; the body never lies, and thou shalt not be aware… Now you are really going to chuckle over this one, I have Harry Guntrip’s book… Yes it is dense and boring , but you want to know the funny thing though?, I have no problem reading it and can understand what he is saying…. I wonder what that is all about… Haha… O no…
Anyway, on a more serious note, I was having difficulty fathoming the idea of healing my trauma through my own inner self resources … But then it started to click based on what you said… Grieving … I have not really cried whole heartedly for many years now… I with held it from my Father when I was with him on his death bed well over twenty years ago… I felt that he did not deserve my massive amount of tears that I needed to give , so I with held them and forfeited the opportunity … That’s right I said no… I could have a shouting voice in my head telling me to do something, and I will do the exact opposite or be completely contrary – just to make a statement of who the boss is and what I will do or not do… I know, I love this about myself… However I do not hate my Daddy, I do have love for him, I just do not like hime that much, just in little doses… I did hold his hand through his death process though…
Back on the subject of crying though, I could really relate to how you said how you cried for years and how movies or reading things or other things would trigger it… I also was at a loss of how to find the events of my past that caused me so much pain and stunted my psychic development.. I do not remember that much at all like before the age of six or even closer to the age of about seven, however as I write about this stuff, I get snap shots of a lot of stuff… Our psyches are so amazing in how they work… I’ve been reading your book about towards truth and Alice miller’s book at the same time… I do have a strong hunch that there was adverse things which effected me while being in my mothers womb and other things when I was a new born which at the time I had not developed the brain at the time to recall those events consciously… so, anyway, such is life… we are all delt a hand of cards and I am playing my hand, and I have a whole lot to be very thankful for…
Nicely said, Thomas. And ha — you have Harry Guntrip’s book. I would be very curious to read it again after all these years. Who knows, maybe I’d really like it now…..
Sending greetings–
Daniel
Smiles… Thanks Daniel… I am occupied with Alice Millers book and your Book at this time – I do intend to get back into Guntrip’s book in a bit…
It felt good to hear back from you…
Thomas.
Hi Daniel,
in one of your videos, not sure which, you’ve mentioned something about people giving you their diaries when you were their therapist. Recently i’ve been thinking about this idea, especially whether i should share parts of my own diaries and it hit me that this is far from a simple decision on my part and there are a lot of considerations.
So, maybe this could be a subject for a video? Like when such a lending of the most intimate parts is appropriate with a therapist? Closer tot he beginning of the therapy relationship or after a more established period? What could be the motivation for a therapy client to do so? What is the “payoff” of this? What could be the hesitations or dangers both for the therapy client and the therapist? What does it require from the therapist? Obvious trust and privacy questions etc.
i know that in the end most boils down to listening to my gut \ intuition, but still it would be very interesting to hear your thoughts on this subject.
Thanks,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
I am well aware that your question is directed to Daniel , however you posted it on this public forum for others to see – which I might add, is very helpful for me , and I would feel safe to say, helpful for others who read.
Your question invokes a large in-depth response from me, although my response can be nothing else but my own personal experience/opinion and projections – I still have one though…
If you want to hear what I have to say, let me know…
My warm regards, Thomas.
Hi Thomas,
i would love to read your response.
Thanks,
Roman.
Hi Roman,
Thank you…
At the time that I read your question to Daniel – I got all fired up with a righteous response, but now after a 24 hour period of time and really thinking about it, it feels much more difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings about what you said Roman… Because my response is derived from my direct experience – it reconnects me to so much that I have split my self off from and memories which are coming back to me which I forgot about do to dis associating myself from… However I feel compelled to be open and honest , because what Daniel has demonstrated has been of great help to me …
So first off, keep in mind that I am going to come off as being cynical and might be threatening your possible idealization of your therapist – if you have created one… Just keep in mind that I am not trying taint or bust your bubble sort o speak, even though it sound as if I am…
I have had a lot of experience with psychotherapists, and I strongly agree with all the reasons why Daniel stopped being a therapist…
Being a therapist with a practice in this society which we all co exist in, is a business which has a large overhead and liabilities… A therapist has a license that they have to protect in order to stay in business … That is their lively hood… When push comes to shove – they are going to protect their license and send you down the road with a referral before they stick their neck out for you … I Know this sounds harsh , but truth is painful, and I will not settle for anything less… This whole transference thing onto the therapist is a parent rescue fantasy which we project … There is no human being who is good enough to fulfill that for anyone… I picked this idea up from Daniel and this is exactly what I have been doing for years… Having a relationship with a therapist is a paid for professional relationship … It is paying to have a friend who you do not know who they truly are outside of what you are projecting onto them… I would feel that I was developing an interest in various woman who would give me attention and be sweet and kind to me and flirtatious who were either bank tellers, waitresses or yoga teachers or therapist or massage therapist or a dentist or optometrist etc. , and I would start projecting my need for love onto them, until I started to find out who they were and how their differences were way outside my personal scope of who I wanted them to be for me… Then all of the sudden I lost interest in them and literally forgot about them… They did not exist for me anymore… Can you imagine ? When I became aware of this and saw this dynamic alive inside myself, I really laughed and thought to myself… Wholly shit…
When you say that you are considering the idea of sharing parts of your diary with your therapist, make sure you re read the therapist client contract agreement documentation and that what ever it is that you feel you want to share does not give them leverage to pathologize you or put them in a position to report anything… I know this sounds extreme and I am making an assumption of a most extreme example, I just saying though… I remember when I was in therapy how the therapist would give the nuance of a frown in response to what I felt I needed to discuss … So this signaled me that it was not ok to broach the subject that I really needed to unpack… What a fucking joke… There was a power differential which really contaminated and corrupted what could of been an open honest exchange of truth between two human beings… The same thing that was perpetrated on me by my parents, although different reasons used to justify the power differential…
The stuff that you write in your diary Roman are your Jules and pearls and diamonds ! Protect them ! I am starting to cry because I gave mine away to people who were not worthy of mine, and they were taken and trampled on by my parents…
You know, it became apparent to me through my observation and a slight shift in my interpretation of my perception that what I think in my mind is projected out side of my physical self – and those thoughts are received or captured by others – either knowingly or usually unknowingly by most folks. As a result of this, it confused my sense of boundaries and gave me the sense that other people who I did not know already new things about me or were being told things about me by some one I had confided in… I always wanted to deconstruct this mental mechanism to understand how it worked . But it was a taboo subject to discuss..
I remember the story about Richard Alpert ( Ram Dass ) who when he first came into contact with his Guru Neem Chrolee Baba or Mah harrashee – I know that I am butchering the spelling here… Well after Ram Dass had came into contact with him and was fed by the temple servants / deciples , Ram Dass ‘s new guru told him about how he was thinking about his late mother when he was starring into the night sky filled with stars… Well this blew Ram Dass away completely … He could not fathom how this could be done or how could his guru know this… Ram Dass said that for the next few days at the ashram he was curled up in a fetal position crying with this heart reaching pain in his chest … It reminded me of when I was in community college taking Piano class and had a piano teacher who was old enough to be my mother too… Well it seemed that she knew stuff about me as well and knew about the stuff I kept very close to my chest and was off limits to every one, except for payed sex workers or phone sex operators… Well I had bumped into her at a woman’s shoe store and she was playfully teasing me in a friendly way before I knew who she was when I saw her in the class for the first time… Or the second time now… I saw this piano teacher in a woman’s shoe store a month or so before I started class… I was in the woman’s shoe store buying some hot looking shoes for a Portuguese lady that I would see on a regular bases who was an at home erotic masseuse who let me dress her up… Lol! Yah no shit… ! O, and to add to this, the piano teacher sounded like the same woman I had gotten off with on a phone sex service call a few months prior … Try to put that one together. Yah, completely illogical and impossible … Right?
Well, anyway, as I am in class with this woman and weeks are proceeding, she is reaching out to me and trying to connect with me… The attention she was giving me felt wonderful ! My parent rescue fantasy is growing fast and powerful ! To rephrase it, my new mother that I never had coming to rescue me wish… Haha… Well, anyway, it was a rough and rocky road for me and it did not feel good at all… Because I had a projection of her that she needed to adhere to and all the personal stuff about my sexual activities were off limits to her… I assigned the role of the good mother, any time she flirted to me or seemed to come on to me or seemed to give me a hint about my fetish, I would blow her off and reject her – and I did it quite purposely and abruptly… My ego development grew strong and out of balance for me in order to protect myself from acting on my core impulses which came out of my emotions or child hood needs. The fact that there seemed to be a kind of magical phenomena happening between me and the piano teacher really pulled at my heart and I wanted her desperately to be my new mother who could really love me in a healthy way that I always fantasied about being loved… But I was going to be in control of this situation and I was only going to be vulnerable provided I knew how the scenario looked before hand… The idea that she new about stuff that I had not told anyone was just creating a lot of pain in me… I really needed to vet and get a sense of some one before I let my emotions ingulf them with my unrequited needs… Based on Ram Dass’s experience and his fellow decibels – they dropped their defenses and opened up completely to Neem Krolee Baba … They assumed that if he already knew about their most highly personal secrets , then it was safe to assume that he knew everything … So what was the point of having personal boundaries… ? Well, I say , fuck that ! I choose to see through the B.S. of this natural mind phenomena … I want to know who you are as a person … Are you a stable person who lives a responsible life who has their personal affairs in order and who is organized and financially stable… Are you good enough for me to connect with… Do you meet my criteria … ? Yah, that’s right… But let us not forget, I can be fucked up though … Makes a lot of sense, yah? Hahaha…
So As I am thinking Roman, there is so so much more of my story and personal experience that has ensued over the years… Some people think that I am a sociopath because I do not seemed to be effected by the mind phenomena that the average person seems to so predictably be emotionally manipulated by… Some people frame this stuff as psychiatric problems, others in the spiritual movements frame it as magical and god like, from the human soul… I frame it as smoke and mirrors and a way to really throw some one off balance who does not have a strong sense of reality and how some people can lie and abuse their power for there own selfish needs or in the service of a different agenda which we are not aware of… I strongly agree with Daniel about being your own parent and helping our selves with our already gifted abilities to heel our selves and really learn to love our selves and respect our selves first… I also strongly agree and am on board with the idea of being in a relationship with another takes time to develop and to build trust and to respect the others boundaries and to get to know who some one really is is a timely process with no guarantees of what we think we want to get out of the relationship. As time goes on with some one who we are ok with , we naturally start to show our true selves and reveal our secrets little by little as we show in many continual baby steps how we are worthy and trust worthy to be able to hold that and be a container for one another…
Anyway Roman, that is some of the stuff that came up for me in regards to what you shared…
If any one has some input or wants to add to what I said or wants to critique my words and claims, please do … I am open to your comments and choose to be teachable…
Thank you again for being open to my opinions Roman, and thank you for creating this forum Daniel for all of us to share…
Hi Thomas,
sorry for the how late i’m replying to you, it took me a while to get to it.
So first, regarding what you’ve written and suggested about sharing the personal journal i can understand. it’s not cynical at all and comes from a place of self preservation and and protection. all of what you suggested are good and sound precautions which i’m going to try and implement. On the other hand, other than having a probably different mental health system that is somewhat beneficial to he patient (even the public one), i’m starting to really trust my current therapist. and i wasn’t that easy on her. We had a bit heated argument with anger and frustration that afterwards she and i grew from it. So now while i’m still interested in lending her a journal or two, i’m really in no rush and more careful, since it occurred to me that, as you said, these are my pearls and only after a very high degree of earned trust i’ll allow for someone else to peek and hold them.
Second, regarding the projection of needs onto others, i get it. it has also happened to me a lot and still does. Also it’s one of the things i’m very careful about and probably one of the first things i said in the beginning of therapy that i’m aware and fear of doing with the therapist. With her (the therapist)i believe it’s possible to really talk about it as it comes up and she’s for it and supportive so far. Heck, even with a very good friend i’ve discussed my projections onto her and since we have enough of trust and intimacy, not only did i feel safe with sharing but also learned from it and her response.
Thirdly, what you written about the subject of projecting outside of one selves thoughts and feelings that are captured and perceived (mostly unknowingly) by others is a very interesting and important topic. you should look more into it and find the people who are interested and not afraid of discussing it. i believe that people can sense stuff from others as an intuition and the more healed and connected you are the easier it is. not sure if this is exactly what you’ve described but at least similar. like feeling someone’s worry or anger just from their “aura”. But this shouldn’t undermine your boundaries so there’s something else going on there, which will be on you to discover.
Fourth, about the last paragraphs, i have nothing to add other than generally agreeing. you sound like someone who is building an internal mental “backbone”. i’m also skeptical of a lot of general values of society and people and especially in spirituality, where people there can be even more dissociated sometimes.
Thank you for getting back to me Roman…
I really appreciate what you have to say… I’m just reflecting on it and letting it sink in …
Much thanks for you in sharing you experience with me and others who read this…
My warm regards , Thomas…
P.s. I don’t have a lot of energy right now do to finishing a long days work in helping a friend move their Cafe, but I will say that I really resonated with your experience with your therapist – I hope I can experience this some day or at least with an other human being who I can feel real about and authentically healing with… Kudos to you Roman… Smiles…
Hay Daniel ! Hi…, smiles…
I just want to touch base with a few words…
First and fore most, thank you for the giving of your self through your work .
I’ve been watching and re – watching countless videos of yours in the last week, and they have been very helpful. Some of them create an impulse in me to get up and go out side to smoke a cigarette and come back to it, and others I feel the need to keep re – watching because the feelings that should be activated have been put down for so long – that my denial mechanism and numbness are in full force – most likely more than I am aware of. However your opinions and shared personal experiences of self therapy is something that I am on board with and have been doing in a partial degree for a long time … I arrived at some of this on my own form what it seems on the surface, however at a deeper level I think I just picked up on an emotional (energetic) influence that just resonated with my psyche …
Anyway, there is so much to say, and the similarities of your childhood compared to my own are so parallel … I was born in 1965 and will be 58 this coming July. I feel that I have so much to hear and listen to from others stories and personal traumas – which really bind me to the human condition and human story… Although I do not have an authentic sense of love for my remaining family and a lot of time I am just tolerating them… I do not mis my late father at all, however I do feel a sense of sadness for my mother who is 100 years old… My half sister who is almost 10 years older than me who’s life is threatened with cancer at this time…, well I am not real sure how or what to say or feel right now… I will say though , now I am much more willing to empathize and contemplate about the traumas my mother , father , and sister went through and how and why they were compelled to dis place their feelings and projections on to me… It’s not all about me, even though my life and psychic development has been significantly effected at the behest of my families mistakes and ignorances…
I have really come to a place of feeling very humbled by the experience of being human with a personal history – I can not honestly hate anybody or project a self righteous extreme judgmental stance onto others who do hurtful things to other people … All I can really do is look deeper and acknowledge how I am capable of doing the same thing…
It was suggested to me about 16 years ago to imagine my parents when they were little children – the thought of that still makes me cry just as it is now… Hmmm… wow. This human experience is very humbling…
I can really understand why it is so important to not fill my head with bullshit distractions, because it then becomes harder to recognize and to connect with what I truly hunger for… although the bullshit distractions of mine did not have that strong of a hold on me anyway, because it was supper easy to drop them at the way side when I recognized some one or something that speaks to the core of my being – such as what you are doing here Daniel …
Thank you again for what you are providing to all of us here Daniel….
Thomas S.
Thank you so much, Thomas.
Wishing you only the best!
Daniel
I just want to say that I just came across your YouTube video Daniel, and I am in the process of writing my own book on the very same topic. I read Alice Miller’s book Drama of the Gifted Child in college when I was in a severe depression and realized I had given up my self to take care of my parents. This assured me more safety. My mother was emotionally, sexually, verbally abusive and my dad was too weak and emasculated by his own mother to defend me.
I was a therapist myself. I hated taking people’s money to care about them. I quit and now volunteer my time to help others.
My experience with therapists are similar to others on this platform. They didn’t seem able to support me and develop my thoughts and feelings with me. It was like they were too scared, especially about sexual feelings or deep raw needs. I wonder if I was hitting too close to their traumas or if the profession made it too risky to go to those places. I had one psychiatrist who went out on a limb for me and sacred my life. Today, I am in my still developing full self! I found a partner who fully accepts me and validates me. In turn, I have finally felt able to be myself and choose supportive friends.
I hardly talk to anyone in my family. I am tired of everyone telling me I need to have a relationship with my mother. She is so abusive and condescending. I shrivel into a suicidal mess when I am around her.
If I could give one piece of advice to people on your platform, it is to not feel guilty of getting the toxic people out of your life, even if they are family. A toxic person is someone who makes you feel bad.
Get yourself financially secure, and go out in your own!
Thanks Daniel.
Sounds great, Stacy!
Daniel
@Irina
Hi, I couldn’t reply to your last comment, as I think the comment chain got too long.
You read my mind when you said “cultivate your own joy.” After visiting my home country and interacting with my niece and nephews.. I feel this profound passion for life, to try all the things I never got to try. I haven’t ridden a bike in forever, I haven’t swam in forever. And there’s so many things I’ve never tried. I want to do all these awesome amazing things all of a sudden, to fill myself with joy. It’s an overwhelmingly amazing feeling I’ve never felt before. I’m even amazed when I see buses on the street now – it’s like I’m seeing through the eyes of a child again.
And absolutely 100000% agree with avoiding cynical people at all costs. They might have their own traumas, but I hate it when they try spreading it to me (and they certainly have tried and even succeeded). I’ve had two people recommend me very violent movies (one being one of my older cousins). The past few years, I had been filling my head with all sorts of horrible, cynical things – there’s no shortage of that out there in the world, whether it’s movies or podcasts or otherwise. Ughh.
And yes, I have a way of communicating with my niece still. Her mom has facebook video chat. Though I love the idea of communicating with her via snail mail – fun idea!
Daniel,
It seems to me that the needs of a child are not only broad, but they are infinite. They never tire of playing – they would play 24/7 if they were allowed to. Whether it’s playing outdoors or playing on tech devices.. They never tire of it. Children are hyper-intelligent and seem to constantly need novel stimulation, and there’s no adult who can ever provide that. (Or maybe that’s just an issue with kids who are raised on video games and other technology?) There’s no adult who is creative enough to constantly provide new and interesting activities to keep a child entertained.. Nor does anyone have the time to do so, with the need to work and put food on the table. So it seems like no matter how hard a parent tries, it is inevitable that they will fail to meet a child’s needs, which are infinite and boundless.
It’s like we need humanity to enter a completely different paradigm, where play and creativity is placed above all else. All this considered, human existence seems like an impossibly gargantuan task to me.
You’ve done a great job trying to explain these things in words, but I think these childhood and babyhood traumas and pains go far, far deeper into territory that cannot be explained in words. Hence, I think no one can ever recover fully in this world – it would be far easier to go through the eye of a needle.
Parik, you say a child’s needs are infinite and boundless. I have to disagree with you. Children do have their limits, just like everyone with a body. The physicality has it’s limits. The mind has it’s limits. It is very important, as a parent, to teach children boundaries. There is time for play and there is time for rest. There is time to be loud and time to be quiet. Overactive nervous system is not a healthy thing. A child’s inability to rest is a symptom. All children have limits and understanding those limits is very important. When my kids were little I was teaching them self-regulation. Yes, sometimes they needed help identifying when it is time to rest. Parents teach the children healthy balances. Hopefully! If the parents themselves are aware of those. And of course, kids have a lot of energy and it’s wonderful! I stay healthy to keep up with them. Best wishes!
Irina,
Yours is a pragmatic and realistic approach for sure. I’ve wanted to have this discussion for a while now. Would you mind sharing how you taught your kids boundaries and self-regulation?
I also have a few additional questions for you if that’s alright..
1. Should rest time be dictated by the adult, according to the adult’s schedule?
2. Do children naturally have the same capacity to be quiet and reserved that adults do?
2. Do you believe certain physical locations are poorly suited to children, but better suited to adults (who can sit quietly without complaining)? E.g. airports, airplanes, big cities.
Cheers
Would you mind sharing how you taught your kids boundaries and self-regulation? – mostly by example and by providing that kind of atmosphere. It’s like with healthy eating – kids are not going to be eating junk food if there is no junk food at home. It’s important to establish a healthy routine at home for all, including adults. Take walks. Take naps (or quiet time). Screen free activities. Camping, being in nature, reading books together, having conversations together about things that interest you and the kids. Being curious about children, asking them questions, observing them, really caring about the things that they care about. Oh, and wearing them out physically. Kids are way more likely to take a nap if they had rigorous workout. And I don’t mean in the gym. I mean out there, in nature. Running, swimming, climbing trees, jumping rope, basketball hoops, whatever. Active lifestyle is a must for healthy kids!! No way around that!
1. Should rest time be dictated by the adult, according to the adult’s schedule? – everyone has to be accommodated as much as possible and flexibility is key. Yes, my schedule as an adult is very important, if I have to be up in the morning, I want the house to be quiet at night. I communicate my needs openly, I explain why it is so and I expect the rules to be followed. Reasonable rules. For all. I set my boundaries, first and foremost. I model to kids what a healthy lifestyle is.
2. Do children naturally have the same capacity to be quiet and reserved that adults do? – Absolutely not. Most kids are super active and that is to be taken into consideration. Public schools require way too much sitting and quiet time.
2. Do you believe certain physical locations are poorly suited to children, but better suited to adults (who can sit quietly without complaining)? Most places are poorly suited for children. Our society is poorly fitted for all, actually. We need to have more esthetically pleasing places, places where one can move their body. We are not robots, kids and adults alike. adults are just more trained to behave like robots. It is really sad. Kids are still true to their nature, but with time become more, as you call it “quiet and reserved” – I see it as a bad thing. We tame our nature, our curiosity, our desire for movement and we end up with chronic diseases. We live in an unhealthy set-up. The way life is set-up in the western world is not very good for anyone, children or adults. But I fight against it in small ways – I dance in airports and let my kids run around. Because I am not a robot. And neither are they. I homeschool my children too. Because public schools – don’t get me started!!! 🙂 Same with 40 hours a week in cubicles. Bad.
(Whoops, I wrote 2 twice ). We agree on a ton of things actually. I agree that kids are naturally very active and that school systems around the world are dreadful.. and even when I wrote my questions I was hinting that children turning into “quiet and reserved” adults is an awful thing. I see it as society breaking their true, wild nature. Adults just go along with all the boring, ugly places/spaces because they’re so disconnected from their childhood needs. So yeah, I totally agree with you that we need more aesthetically pleasing places, and places where we can move our bodies. I found a good quote on facebook: “Earth without art is just eh”
As for differences between the western lifestyle and lifestyles in other parts of the world.. I have a ton of thoughts on that subject after visiting my home country. Kids in the villages have lots of open space to play outdoors and climb trees.. But the caveat is, the adults are all so jaded and focused on work that even in the villages they destroy a child’s nature. In the villages, kids would get scolded and sometimes even hit for being too playful. Very strict. Even in villages, they have the same public school system that forces kids to sit at a desk all day. In the villages, the adults all want to move to bigger and (supposedly) better places because they can’t appreciate how wonderful it is to have outdoor spaces and trees for the kids to climb. They just don’t get it. So it seems adults are the same everywhere, whether it’s in New York or a village in Nepal. But kids in major cities (even in developing countries like my own) – their parents don’t let them go out much out of paranoia, so they end up developing screen addictions. “Just shut up and watch TV” the parents tell their kids. It’s a worldwide problem unfortunately.
My parents had zero interest in outdoor activities, camping, any of that sort of thing.. I actually would’ve loved to do those things as a kid, and it was only later I developed a screen addiction myself (my dad has always had a screen addiction too). That’s just one of many ways they screwed me up.
Yes, sad! Thanks for the info on life in small villages in India. That is so sad to hear. Most adults are fear driven and they instill that fear in their kids. The lack of the divine spark, the lack of joy for pure and simple living – that is depressing! I can only say that I will do what is in MY power to influence my life and the life of my children and those around me, even if a little bit. You can too – continue to talk about these issues, continue to make changes in YOUR life! The world will get better, eventually!! I believe! One person at a time! One step at a time.
I’m definitely trying to change things within my own family system. When I visited our village, I played with my niece using my imagination to the best of my ability.
She used a little fake syringe to play doctor with me and the adults got up in arms: “How dare you use a syringe on big brother like that!” I swear they’re nuts lol – that’s how uptight they are. She also used a flashlight to show me mangos growing in a mango tree. That might’ve been the first time an adult listened to and engaged with her like that (and it was also the first time I had had fun in a long time). I felt such joy from the simple act of her showing me the mangoes up in the tree.
I think I sparked her own imagination and she felt a sense of delight that she hadn’t felt before. I could see it in her face. The adults just sit around and talk about nothing all day, so she was probably going nuts. I think she even wanted me to be her parent. Let me explain: she wanted to play teacher/student with me, but she instructed me on what questions to ask her when I was the teacher.. She made me ask “do you have a mommy/daddy?” And when I asked her, she said no. And then she said “Now ask me if I want to come live with you.” And I asked her if she wanted to come live with me and she said “Really? Will you be my dad?” Heartbreaking. I didn’t want to leave. I don’t know when I’ll go back to visit my village.. If it’s too long, then she’ll become a completely different person.. a jaded teenager.
The adults there also like to scheme – arranged marriages are still a thing in my village and the adults like to scheme about marrying their kids off when they’re older, or sending them off to boarding schools. Depressing. Thank you so much for being different, Irina. People like you are proof that there ARE some good things about western culture.
(I was also extremely depressed at the start of my trip and I definitely wish I’d been able to engage with my niece even more than I did.. It wasn’t perfect but I did my best. I had to push through the depression in order to play with my niece.)
Oh, that story sounds beautiful, Parik! You playing with your niece! I am sure she will remember it forever! You planted a seed and it hopefully will grow! Is there a way you can communicate with her thru mail/email to keep up the connection? Sounds like she can use someone magical in her life to share her dreams and thoughts with! 🙂
Please cultivate your own joy whenever you can. Find ways to grow the wonder. I use simple things, like nature and animals. I marvel at flowers and birds. I try to avoid the big systems and cynical people as much as I am able! I like to spread the joy to those who are open to receiving! And it multiplies! I wish you all the best!
Irina,
That was beautifully said and I could not agree more. I am now watching my daughter raise her daughter to be curious, kind, and imaginative. She has direct access to nature and my granddaughter runs and plays outside everyday with one or both parents. They eat healthy and read stories every night. They share affection and laugh a lot. During a recent visit I told my daughter that I am very happy for the childhood my granddaughter is getting to experience, but that every child deserves the same. I believe trauma is the root of all the ills of this world whether it is intentionally or unintentionally inflicted. Anyway, kudos to you for sane, healthy parenting and for sharing your experience. To be validated by your caregivers, to be able to be yourself and to be
nurtured is a basic human need. One loved child at a time is the way to restore balance to our planet. It is at least one way. I am not saying this is an easy process; it’s not. But, it is worth the effort a million times over. I say this both as a parent, grandmother, and a mental health professional who worked with abused kids in adult bodies, often with addictions and hindsight is 20/20.
Warm regards
Well said, and I appreciate you P.O.V.!
I appreciate the exchange between you two—thank you.
🙂
Hi Daniel,
Have you read or head of the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk ?
I haven’t — yet!
HI Daniel,
I am delighted to make contact with you. I just watched your youtube video on “The human need for platonic touch”. I have found from my own experience there was a much unfulfilled need in me for human touch as an adult. I found my saviour in attending regular Vital Danza classes, were I nurtured my own movement to the music which also included connecting to other attendees through touch in a respectful way. God bless the good work. Peace, Peter
Thanks Peter!
Daniel
Hey Daniel.
Do You find any disatvantages of being very good-looking/handsome man. Could You maybe make video about this
Best Wishes!
JM.
Hi JM,
Thanks for the idea. I’ll think on it!
Daniel
Such a brilliant topic that would be great about women, too!
Daniel already made video about women. Chceck his youtube page.
Hi Daniel,
Not sure if that’s within your taste, but have you seen the Kung Fu Panda movies?
They have a very strong message about believing in yourself and the true meaning of “inner peace”, while overall crafted with a good amount of heart. i don’t want to spoil too much if you haven’t seen them (and wish to) but i recommend especially the second movie (which requires to see the first for the context).
Personally i cried while watching them at times, but i’m also very sensitive from my wounds that emerged within the healing journey.
With regards,
Roman.
Thank you Roman — will look into KFP movies
Animated movies are the best! Finding Dory is my favorite. Love anything with great humor.
Makes me sad , Daniel, that you are, presumably, unwilling to consider the homosexual condition in light of childhood trauma. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi has shared some compelling insights about the origins and the underlying mechanisms that encourage acting out on same sex attraction. Please do not attack me here, as I realize this theme is HIGHLY inflammatory. Just sharing another p.o.v.
I haven’t read into what that lady has said about it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if homosexuality were a response to one’s childhood. But also I think romantic love in general is usually pretty motivated by childhood trauma. Ultimately romantic love is expecting someone to see you, fulfill your emotional needs, love you no matter what, support you, prioritize you above everything else, etc, all things that parents are supposed to do for a child, and if the parent actually did effectively, the child would learn to do for themselves. So romantic love in and of itself is a form of parental rescue fantasy, as Daniel calls it.
Homosexuality is just a different manifestation of that same childhood trauma response, except it’s looking to the same sex to fulfill those unmet childhood needs instead of the opposite sex. Perhaps heterosexuality is more accepted because that childhood trauma manifestation results in the continuation of the species (which they think is a good idea for some reason)
@Christine Badostain
I’ve never heard about Dr. Joseph Nicolosi and his work, but i’m gonna check his work out, if he’s right on. Here’s an artical that i think is right on:
https://restoringhopeprisonministry.wordpress.com/2023/01/30/homosexuality-understanding-root-causes/
Sounds good. I already listened/viewed the youtube video to which you are referring (if it is the same woman from another comment you posted). She has good insights.
This article was disgusting to read and i had to stop myself half way through.
It felt like a conversion therapy manifest through a twisted lens of trauma. As Brian above said, even if homosexuality is a response to how you were grown and parented in childhood, it is no different than any other romantic relationship attempt people try to unconsciously find a rescue fantasy.
I’ll even go further and paraphrase Fred Timm that anything that strays away from our societal conentions and heterosexual gender roles actually challnges it, which overall is good for our growth as individuals.
Back to the article, it is highly biased and it’s hard to miss. From the underlying assumption that homosexuality is wrong; the comparison with pedophilia which even if both are trauma responses, it’s a really bad taste to talk about both; the mentioning of god as the creator; the claim of what is natural to do with our bodies or “what they were not meant to do”; only the mentioning of gay men and whatever else is written in the second half.
Also, while talking about trauma, there is a contradictory shallow view of sexual desire as just a “physical thing” which missed the point or subtlety that was written in the same article about “wanting to be held” etc (which i agree with).
The whole aura of the article is “gay people don’t even understand what’s wrong with them” which is hidden under the layer of trauma talk. like covert smugness that deep down comes from the writer’s disgust or whatever unresolved things he/she has.
Most of us don’t know what “wrong” (root causes) with us; that is why some of us seek out therapy.
Thanks for sharing your p.o.v. Roman.
This article is absolutely dreadful. Homosexuality is an abnormality? Even oral sex is unnatural!
Is this nameless guy a psychologist? I pity his clients. His own biases are all too obvious.
Article is good, but written from the perspective of a religious person. it doesn’t convince me that much.
Please see my comment to Roman below.
You contribution to the conversation is appreciated. Let’s keep up our healthy desire to hear all of the p. o. v.’s
Hello Daniel
I was wondering if you heard of Dr. Ramani or Patrick Teahan, and if so, what are your thoughts and perspectives on them. I enjoy watching all your guy’s content and feel you have similar points of views in one way or another.
Hi Waqar,
I don’t really know about them. Maybe others here do, though…
Daniel